Relearning the Vagina: The Science, the Myths and the Power

I thought I was broken. I thought the thrusting that the penis was doing inside of me, Thrusting, thrusting, thrusting should have produced an orgasm. And I thought, well, what the fuck is wrong with me? Because that's what's supposed to happen. That's not what happens. We didn't study it. We didn't know. Gosh, there's so much to learn. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual. The vagina is a beautiful place, but from orgasms to vaginismus, do you really know your way around one? Whether you want to maximize a vulva owner's pleasure or improve your own vaginal health, this episode is for you. My intention is to help you more deeply understand the vagina so that you can experience more pleasure and connection whether you've got one yourself or care about someone who does. All right everybody, enjoy this episode. Thrusting does not cause orgasm. Thrusting can cause pain. Thrusting can cause frustration. It doesn't cause orgasm. So I want to remind you that sexual pleasure is in your hands. Like really, you gotta. Literally and figuratively. We gotta figure that out yourself, Go exploring. No one told you this because people didn't know when you were little, they didn't know. So you have revolver figure this out. Spend some time, spend some time masturbating, playing with yourself. I mean, it is not your fault that you don't know about pleasure. And I'm sure you didn't grow up in a home where they were excited about your pleasure cuz your parents were having, they weren't having satisfying sex either. So what the hell are they going to tell you? They're going to tell you not to get pregnant, they're going to tell you not to get an std, but they're not going to tell you about the magic of your clitoris. Kenzie, 27 in Alabama. Hi Kenzie, thanks for calling.

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

Yes. What's up girl?

So this is a little weird but like I have this thing with Pearson so I got my nipples done and I was wanting to get like, you know, downstairs but I don't know how that like pain wise and if God's like that, like, you know.

Kenzie, it's such a good question. I know women who pierce their clitoris. Were you thinking you're clitoris? Yeah, and I, I think there's risk for sure.

I think that's a little, A little.

But I don't really care if guys like it, like, if you want to do it, do it. So I. I don't know what to tell you. I. I could put that out to my listeners if you're a guy.

Tongue ring.

Yeah. I want to help you out, Kenzie, because I think that every. What everyone likes is different. So. But what I think is if you like it. Listen, Kenzie, if you like it, though, and it feels good to you, then the guy who's not into it is not your guy.

True. You got a good point. Thank you.

Yeah. And remember that with everything. Okay, Kenzie, as you move about life, oh, he wants me to do this thing, or he wants me to wear this certain thing. And he want. No, if he doesn't like you, he's criticizing you. He's making you feel worse than you felt before you met him. He's not your guy.

True, true. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Let me know how it goes. Kenzie, thanks for calling. Yeah. It's an important lesson to remember because we all. Sometimes we can walk around with things that we. Someone told us, they criticize us, they judge us. You could lose a few pounds. Your vulva's weird. I don't know. We just think they're true. And we allow that to hold us back from being, like, fully present during sex and in our lives, actually. So if they're making you feel bad, they don't like your clitoris piercing or your nipple piercing. Whatever you do, not your person. Saves us a lot of time. Actually. Not every guy. Woman that you go out with has to be your person. And how wonderful when there's things like that where you can just weed them out. Oh, you made me feel bad. This isn't my person. I'm out. But we so often abandon ourselves. I remember in therapy years ago, I had this therapist, and she was like. And I was probably. I was. Amber's a. I think I was 27. I was like, well, these people said this and that. And it was something about someone had criticized. I think I was talking about a boyfriend. I was like. And he said, I do all this stuff. And he's probably right. And she's like, why do you abandon yourself? Why do you join their team? Tammy, 39, in Canada. How do I get my vagina to relax in order to have my boyfriend penetrate me for vaginal sex? I'm a virgin. I need a committed relationship. My boyfriend is amazing and listens to me well, we're in bed. We have a good bedroom relationship. I'm open to trying anything with him. We Took a trip out of town, and I honestly thought I would finally get to have vaginal sex. He mostly takes the lead when it comes to initiating sexy time. And I'm okay with it. I like it. I think, in part, I may be as submissive. We ended up having anal sex on this trip. And while it did catch me by surprise that he wanted what he wanted in, he stopped to ask if it was okay with what he was about to do. I was more than okay. That experience was surreal and hella enjoyable. But I still feel that empty is all I wanted was be able to have his cock in me. I'm considering going to my doctor, but help. I'm asking you first. All right, Tammy, I'm hearing from you that your vagina is not relaxed. You might have something that we call in the vagina business vaginismus, and that is something or a variation of that that women. It's really painful. Vulvodynia is the other name for it that it's very painful to have penetration. And I'm gonna guess that it probably hurts maybe to put a tampon inside your finger inside of you. And while the causes for this is different from woman to woman, it can have to do with a trauma. There's a few things it could have to do with a trauma earlier in life where sex became really scary. Maybe there was a sexual assault and your body just shut down from it. Maybe you even grew up in a stressful household where you were constantly clenching, right? The action of clenching impacts your pelvic floor. And as a result of constantly clenching those muscles, your vagina just literally feels closed up and you can't have any penetration. And a lot of women suffer through this for a lifetime. And one of my best recommendations for you is to go see a pelvic floor physical therapist. So just like you'd go to a physical therapist for your back or your knees, you can go to one for your vagina. And what they do in this physical therapy is they sort of diagnose what is happening in your pelvic floor. And for many women, the great news here is for women who have suffer from this condition, they give you something called dilators. They might do it with you, and they might send you home with some. And these dilators kind of look like a dildo, and they come in all different shapes, so. Meaning it's like a long, you know, phallic object. It's a practice of you just sort of put it inside, and then you take it home with you, and you do exercises where you might only be able to get it in for an inch or, you know, half an inch. And then over time, you can put in further and further and further. And they teach you how to breathe, and they teach you how to open up your vagina, and they teach you certain exercises so you can actually have penetrative sex and a healthier sex life. And so I recommend it. It's not well known, as well known as it should be, but I do hear a lot of more practitioners going into pelvic floor physical therapy. But your insurance company might have someone you might be able to call up and see if they have that. You probably could find one in your area. Doctors up until maybe 20 years ago, they just were like, oh, it's trauma, or we don't really know, or it's inexplicable or it's emotional. And it might be all of those things if you had emotional trauma. I mean, just because your vagina might be open through doing this dilator practice where you are constantly upping the size of the dilator over a few week period because it only takes a few weeks, which is awesome. The thing is that your vagina might have. You might have been experiencing vaginismus or vulvodynia. Vulvodynia means it's more around the vulva, and when you. You can't even take penetration in the vulva, which is the exterior part of the vagina. And vaginismus is when the internal hurts. Through a series of exercises, you could learn to open up pretty. Pretty easily. Well, it's not easy, but pretty quickly, which is great news. And then if you have had trauma, you should also definitely see a therapist if you have any kind of sexual trauma, any kind of assault, anything in your life. Unfortunately, when you experience something as devastating as a sexual assault or trauma, it doesn't dissipate over time. It actually can exacerbate and get worse over time. So I recommend that women do it. This is from Jennifer, 37, in Pennsylvania. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been a longtime listener of your show, and I need your advice. Background in a nutshell. Diagnosed with endometriosis at 25 years old. Was able to finally get a grip on it by 35, with strict eating habits, exercise, a sex therapist, and a wonderful pelvic floor specialist. However, my mental identity of how I viewed myself sexually because of endo was very traumatized and placed a big strain on my sexual relationship with my husband. It just made it hard to get in the mood. 36, I was then diagnosed with a stage 3 breast cancer, had a lymph nectomy, chemo and radiation. Oddly enough, this near death experience hit a mental restart button and I'm looking to rebuild my sexual identity for me and my husband. My biggest challenge now is to try to explain and communicate to my husband that sex starts in the mind and his role in sex. Sexual framing. How do I get him to understand what it is, most of all how to do it and how he can participate in sexual framing techniques that will go much further than we should do it tonight, which always makes it feel like a chore and not like a fun fiery desire. Also, if you can recommend any lubes that are user friendly to post chemo patients as chemo has made it unusually dry down there. Your forever listener, Jennifer. Jennifer, thank you so much for your email. You've been through so much, you've been quite a sexual journey and I'm so thrilled to hear you've taken the necessary steps to working with your endometriosis. And for those of you who don't know real quick what endometriosis is, it's a condition where tissue that's similar to the lining of your uterus grows in other parts of your body. So when this tissue grows in the wrong places, it can cause you to experience really uncomfortable symptoms that will impact your daily life. And some people also with endo have some issues getting pregnant. They some of this could be hereditary. The cause of endo, it could be hormones. There's a lot of different factors and we're still learning so much about women's sexual health. So let's remember that it's not easy to kind of heal ourselves in these ways. So again, seeing a pelvic floor, physical therapist, a sex therapist and all the things you're doing were great steps to handle it. And I know it can be really difficult to feel sexual, especially when you've associated sex with pain. So let's start with you and you reclaiming your sexuality. I highly recommend you start with like a solo sex practice where you're really taking the time to reconnect with your body, feeling more embodied, connected, you know, I love a mindful masturbation practice where you are masturbating but without the goal of orgasm. The goal is really reconnecting to your body how it is right now. And I highly recommend mindful masturbation to everybody. By the way, our bodies are always changing throughout our lifetime. There's different things that we need and want and our sometimes we don't even really know Our bodies. So being mindful, taking time to breathe and connect and understanding your body. And you know that mindful masturbation, use some toys with it. So now that you've reconnected with yourself, let's bring your partner into the mix. Because your husband, I know there's a lot of people are like, hey, let's go. You ready for sex? Let's do it. And that is just not sexy. So I love that you're having your husband join along with you. Here's the thing about sexual framing or really framing anything. It's really about the context or how something is portrayed or presented in a sexual situation. So what you're saying here is the context of him bringing it up isn't working for you, saying, hey, let's do it. We need to kind of reframe and understand what's going to get you both in the mood for sex. Okay, Maybe specifically you. What we really need to understand here is your desire. How do you get turned down? It sounds like your husband says, all right, I'm ready to go. He's more spontaneously has a desire. But for many people, specifically vulva owners, we are more responsive. We respond to certain things in our environment, and we get turned on. Right. We need a series of events to happen before we get to the point of wanting to have sex. Your husband snaps his fingers, he's ready to go. You are not. So this is understanding that things need to happen. What turns you on the most? Do you know what needs to happen, Jennifer? Is it that? And it could be like, you know, foreplay all day, he sends you sexy texts that get you turned on. It could be compliments. It could be, the house is clean when you get home. It could mean you have a deep conversation with him about your day and you feel much more turned on. It could just be like sexual reframing is the context. Right? So maybe in your home, like, for me, I know that if my home is a mess and it's really cold in the house and I haven't changed my sheets and I haven't showered yet, I'm not going to be moved for sex. So those are some of the things that we could think about that will get us toward being more turned on. Because again, we have a partner that's just ready to go at the drop of the hat. And we are not. We get up feeling inadequate, like something's wrong with us. So just really explaining to your partner in very real terms, I'm going to be the most turned on when I've had time to clean the house. I feel more connected to you by conversation. I have oral sex from you for 20 minutes. You feel comfortable using these toys on me? The lube is on the nightstand and ready to go. Speaking of lube, you also mentioned lube. I got to tell you about Morgasm lube because it made me think like this is also perfect for you for it's actually made just for you. It's a CBD infused lube, 100% hypoallergenic, oil free. So it's safe. And what I love about Morgasm is it's a 2 and 1, which I haven't heard of anything like this. It's a lubricant and an arousal gel and it has CBD in it, but it has all natural ingredients in it has like L arginine that increases blood flow and will reduce inflammation and stimulates the body to increase arousal. You can have longer, more intense orgasms. It also works on penis owners. Okay. I love a lube that's focusing on penis so it increases orgasm intensity. It can help you for sure with dryness and pain discomfort for both owners and increases the arousal for penis owners. And what I love is it's edible, it has a very slight vanilla flavor, but it's almost neutral. It makes it great for oral sex. So here's another deal for you. Get 15% off moregasmlud if you use the code emily@morgasm.com sex with emily. That's m o r g a s m.com sexwithemily and just use code emily to get 15% off. All right, Jennifer, that is a lot of tips for you there. A lot of products, a lot of tips, a lot of conversations. And let me say one more thing. It's not a one time conversation with your husband and for anybody, it is an ongoing conversation about sex. A lot of couples listen to my show together and they have told me that over the years, like we binge 10 episodes. Because the way I talk about sex, it's normalizing sex. It's taking a lot of the shame and it's explaining a lot of concepts that can be harder in one conversation for you just to explain to your partner. So whether you're listening to the show together, you're having conversations with them on a weekly basis about not only what you want, Jennifer, but what your partner always wants. And when you start bringing some toys and some lubes and you can get rid of all the shame around it, hopefully there isn't any. But it becomes a new activity that you and your partner share together. Like, what'd you think of this toy? What'd you think of that lube? How about this position? How did sending you sexy texts in the middle of the day work? Because you get to kind of hack your sex life together. It's not only up to you, Jennifer, to solve it, but the two of you are in. This together is a lifetime journey, and our bodies change over time. So the more efficiently you talk about sex, and the more frequently you talk about sex, the better sex you're going to have and the more connected you're going to feel. All right, Jennifer, thank you so much. Keep taking care of yourself and doing the work. Thank you so much for your question. Stick around, because after the break, I'm discussing clitoral versus G spot orgasms of what to do when your wife no longer wants oral sex after having a baby. So we got a ton of questions, right? You guys email me through Instagram. We got a bunch, but there were so many, I couldn't get to all of them. So I'm just gonna start with. There's so many good ones, you guys. It's like a kid in a candy store. Okay, here's one. Is clitoral G spot or cervical orgasm? Same or which is stronger? There's a lot of. See, I can kind of sum this up. There's a lot of questions in here about, did I have an orgasm? Do I not? Like, for vulva owners, for women, they're like, oh, was this a clitoral one? Was it a G spot? I know we label them, right? But a clitoral orgasm was what the majority of women experience through masturbation or penetration. And that's the external part of your vagina. The clitoris is there. It's that little magic spot that has 8,000 nerve endings, and it also extends internally. So sometimes the G spot, which I like to call the G area, but I don't even really want to call it an area, a G anything, because it was named by this guy Grafenberg, and he did not have a G sp spot. It's named after him, which is just bizarre. But anyway, I wonder if I could start a petition. But it's like an area, and I believe that area is like internal clitoral nerves. So. And for every woman is different. So I can't tell you which one's stronger, because the problem is G spot got a lot of recognition, like, 20, 30 years ago. And so what happened was everyone was like, oh, that's the better orgasm. The clitoral orgasm. Is just, that's just everyone can have that or whatever, but they're all linked into each other. So just focus on the orgasms you're having and continue to explore your body. Once you have a clitoral orgasm, it can be easier to have a more internal orgasm. So then you could use your fingers or a toy or a penis or whatever you want to eat. Not whatever, but an approved item to go inside of you to explore and experiment. Because once you have an external orgasm, the blood starts to flow and circulate inside and it can be helpful that way to experiment. This is from Susan, 60 in Florida. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm a post menopausal woman who can no longer have orgasms through oral sex as I once used to quite easily. I've never been able to climax through penetration. I can however, still experience clitor orgasms with my favorite clit sucker vibrator, but no others. Have I become addicted to just this one apparatus? And if so, can I untrain my clit to react to other types of orgasm inducing stimulations? Or because I'm post menopausal, does my clit now simply require an intense and consistent stimulation to get the blood flowing in order to orgasm my partner? I do incorporate my toy into our lovemaking, but I'm finding it harder and harder to orgasm at all. Even though I am on HRT hormone replacement therapy, I sometimes wonder, sadly, if my orgasm lifespan has ended even though vaginal intercourse is still pleasurable. Seeking your advice. Thanks Dr. Emily. All right, Susan, thanks so much for your question. It is a great one because first let me say this. I want to just normalize the fact that the way we orgasm changes over time. It's going to be different in your 30s and in your 20s. In your 50s, it's different from your 30s and the 60s. It's different than your 40s. It can sometimes change month to month. Our ability to orgasm changes because our pelvic floor is shifting, our hormones are changing and there's a lot of different factors that go on. So let me first address this. Does a vibrator numb you? Are you addicted to your vibrator? That's not a thing that doesn't exist. If you damage nerves, that's a really serious condition and that really does not happen at most these times. It simply means that these nerve endings are getting used to and your body's getting used to orgasming in a very specific way with a very specific vibrator. There is nothing wrong with orgasming every time the same way with a vibrator. Now if you, if you don't love it's this clit sucking vibrator, you can try another vibrator, that's totally fine too. But I just want to say there is nothing wrong with it. How incredible that you're still able to orgasm. Here's the thing with vibrators, we get so used to them making us feel good and then we start to think, is this bad, is this bad that I had an orgasm this way? But listen, the goal is orgasm, am I right? Let's say your goal is getting to the office every day. And you could get there by riding a bike. You could take the bus or you could drive, but you know you want to get there the most efficient way. Well, I would say you could take the bus or you could ride your bike, but driving sometimes is the fastest way to get there. And you still got to work, and you still got your work done. So in this case, you're still going to get your orgasm. So I really don't want us to judge the way we orgasm that it's wrong to use a vibrator. The majority of vulva owners I talked to are mostly using vibrators, you know, so I just, again, I want to normalize this because does it feel good? Does it make you feel better? Have an orgasm. That is great. But let's get into the HRT also because there's a lot more information there about women on hormonal replacement therapy. Just like a lot of medications, over time when we use our hormone treatments, it starts to change. Like maybe right now you're only doing estrogen, but you might need to add in some progesterone and testosterone and it's like a dance, okay? You gotta tweak the combination of estrogen, testosterone and progesterone because while you might have needed more at one point, you might need less at another point. So hopefully you have a great doctor that can work with you on this because a lot of times it's great to start with estrogen. So if you're not an estrogen, I highly recommend it. But there's different ways you can take estrogen because that's the culprit. I would say that that's the most severe hormone that takes a nose drop when we're perimenopausal or postmenopausal because that sort of affects our ability to orgasm because we're having the vaginal lining is becoming thinner, it's impacting, you know, blood flow and all these things. So, Susan, anyway, let me just say this, is that I understand this whole, like, is there a problem here? But I think that normalizing with your partner and also using your vibrator, but then also, like, bringing in your hands or the mouth and then bringing the vibrator in, like, it's all a dance. And I think the less we get caught up on, like, is this wrong? Is this right? Is it the right way? And the more we can practice being mindful and connected to our partner and talking about these things, too. Remember, I always say, like, talk about this stuff outside the bedroom as well. Because I'm not sure, Susan, because we're not talking right now. Like, I don't know if your partner's saying, like, why is it only a vibrator? And I feel bad about it, but I'm telling you once, like, your partner understands, like, this is. I'm still having pleasure. Intercourse still feels good, but. And this is how I'm gonna get to the finish. Most partners, you know, are gonna be down with it. Sex is still pleasurable without orgasm. I just wanna say that. But I know that you want one, because who doesn't want one? But again, finding different paths to pleasure is part of the. Is part of the path of being sexual beings and constantly being. Figuring out how we can troubleshoot along the way. Because things are gonna change. If you're on medications, you just gave birth, if you are having resentments with your partner and you haven'. Very connected lately, all these things are going to affect our ability to be aroused and turned on. So I know it's a lot of information there, but let's keep talking. Let's keep listening. And everyone, I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for sending me all your questions. All right, Susan, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you, and I hope this helps. Let's talk to Megan, 23, in California. Hi, Megan. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

So I have a issue with chronic yeast infections, and I just recently had bacterial vaginosa, which was a horrific experience.

Yeah.

And the doctor hasn't really, you know, I've been like, what can I do to kind of alleviate this issue? And they haven't really given me a straight answer. And it's to the point where, like, I'm getting these yeast infections, and I'm, like, you know, out of commission for at least two weeks of the month. I get them so often. I usually get them.

Wow.

Because of sex. It seems like. And it almost. It's getting to a point where it's, like, making me dread having sex because I'M terrified that I'm going to get. Get a yeast infection from it. So I was just seeing if you had any advice on how that I can or how I can help combat that.

Well, I have a few, yes. And they haven't helped you out with this? This is what's so frustrating about doctors sometimes. So tell me, are you with one? I have a few questions for you to help me so I can help. Are you with one partner right now or what's your sexual activity like these days?

Yes, just one male partner.

Okay. And so you're not using condoms, right?

No.

So is he coming inside of you and then you get a yeast infection?

He is not. He doesn't want to. I don't want him to. So that's. That's not an issue. I was thinking for a second that it was maybe my Mirena and I actually made an appointment to get it removed to see if that helps. I had asked about probiotics and this pharmacy student told me that I should probably have better hygiene, which made me laugh because he obviously has no clue how yeast infections work, but, well, they do.

They. He is saying that you have to. You're supposed to, you know, pee after sex every time, pee before and after. That's probably what he meant. And yes, it can be. So. Yeast infections are caused by many things. You, you probably. I'm sure you've researched this ad nauseam, but like, if we leave our. Our yoga workout pants on for too long or we sweat a lot more, tight pants and all those things, but it doesn't seem like that's what it is. I'm glad you're going to get another opinion. I mean, it could be your birth control. I wonder. It could be something hormonal. I mean, gosh, our hormones are responsible for so many things. Now, there was a study that came out that said that here's a few theories that it can actually be your partner. You know how they always like women. It's your fault. But it's true. That boyfriend can be a part of. Of chronic yeast infections. Does he ever have any itchiness on his penis?

Not that he tells me about.

Okay.

I mean, there was something about that kind of stuff.

Okay. But sometimes it can have to do with them. And it's not about us. It can be part of his. His bacteria that could be just swapping back and forth. Now some things say that there could be your DNA. There's like some genetic mutations that make some women more susceptible to yeast infections. And so there was a study that was done on that. There was like a genetic link. I don't know how common that is. I'm just giving you all of the things because it can be your boyfriend. It can be. Are you using any lubricants or anything during sex?

We do have a lube that we use every once in a while, but not every time.

Okay.

I actually got the BV after using the lube that we had purchased. It's not bad lube. I don't know what the issue was with that.

Huh. Talk to your doctor. Are you going back to your gynecologist right now?

Yeah.

Okay. You know, I think that there's been a lot new studies that have shown that it's other things than we believe. So the fact that he said to you, oh, just your hygiene there is more than that. So if it's chronic, I mean, are you taking probiotics at all? Because that does help.

I am not taking probiotics. That was what I had asked the pharmacist if that would help. And he told me that there was no study that proved that probiotics did anything.

You know, I think they do. In fact, I take a probiotic every day. Of all the supplements, they say that a probiotic. They say magnesium is helpful, vitamin D, like fish oil. And did you ever have any antibiotics for a while? Were you taking antibiotics? Like, do you think your immune system could be compromised?

I have only taken antibiotics a handful of times in my life, and I've never actually had an issue, issue with getting a yeast infection from taking the antibiotics.

This is what I think. If you've had your marina in for six years, it could be high estrogen levels. Because sometimes when you have a lot of estrogen in your body, that could also put you at risk for yeast infection. So you might have excess estrogen. I think that could be it. Yeast really can love that. If you have too much estrogen, that could be a part of it. And also having sex and a weakened immune system. But I think it's great that you're going to get your test. You could also get a hormone test. You could get tested and see what's going on. But I think that your instincts are correct. You're doing all the things I think a probiotic is always helpful to take. I would try that. I would see what your doctor says. I mean, it's sounding to me like six years. I think that what we're finding out now about hormonal birth control isn't the best for women. I have heard it can cause yeast Infections. So let's do that and see what happens. I mean, I think you already know wearing underwear that's not too tight and all the things. Okay, keep me posted. Megan, thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Let's talk to Angel, 30 in New Jersey. Hi, Angel.

Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

Of course.

I'm just calling because I just had a question. So my fiance, when we first got together, there was no real problem when it came down to me going down on a. But what would end up happening is in the last few years, she's just been very self conscious. Whether she just worries, I don't know if it had something to do with maybe after she had my son, maybe she's just a little bit more uncomfortable now. But it's hard to bring that conversation up and be able to talk about it in a way where we can try to figure it out, because she does want to, but she just feels uncomfortable doing okay.

So, angel, you're saying. And it's hard to. To hear. I don't know if your window's down or you're on speaker, but it's a little bit hard to hear a little bit. Your. The connection's not great. But. But angel, if I can understand what you're saying is that. Is that she had a bit. You've been together for a while. When you were together, she. Early on she liked oral sex a lot. And then she had a baby. And ever since she had the baby, what you believe it's about is that she doesn't really want oral because she's self conscious. Did I get that? Okay, so, Angel, I'm curious. Have you ever talked to her about it? Have you ever said, hey, I noticed that this feels like it's really uncomfortable for you. You know, Tell me more about that. Have you ever brought it up?

I do try to bring it up. It's just one of those things that I just feel she doesn't want to have the conversation with me. Yeah, it's just. It's. I guess it's embarrassing for her, which I understand. And I don't try to bring it up too often just because of the worry. I don't want to make her feel comfortable. But I do know that it's something that I kind of do. Did enjoy doing when we were together. And it's something that she did enjoy. And it seems like it's just not there anymore.

Okay. When did she have the baby?

It's been five years.

Okay, got it. So, angel, here's what I would recommend for you the first thing is talking to her about it outside the bedroom. So when you guys are on date night, hopefully you're still making time for each other with a 5 year old. And you just say, you know, I realize that we've never really talked about our sex life outside the bedroom. When we're not right, we always think like, oh well, I'm in the bedroom, I should talk about it. But it's, you know, no one really, we don't realize this, but we don't want to hear about it when we're in the roused or we're turned on or the next, the last time she said to you, get away. I don't want you to go down on me. But you say, you know, I really, I want to know things that turn you on. I love going down on you. I love the way you taste, I love, you know, and I miss it. And I'm just wondering if there's anything that I could do that could help you feel better. Ask her what she is into, what she is craving. Because I think now you're making, maybe making assumptions. Unless she told you she has shame around how her body's changed since having a baby. Or is that just sort of your guess?

It's more my guess. We've never actually had that conversation. She's actually never actually brought it up. But I'm assuming that's what it is. It is one of those things. I do realize that the conversation, the times that I did bring it up, now that you say it, I. I did talk about it either after the fact. So maybe if I do bring it up in other times, it probably might go a little bit easier.

Yeah. Angel, most of us don't know this. That's why I'm telling you. It's like we just think, well, I tried to go down on her again. She said no. So I'm gonna be like, baby, I really want to. But when we're outside the bedroom, we're removed from sex altogether. It's not even on our mind. And we're hanging out, we're just in a really good place. She's like, you know, babe, I realize, God, our sex life, I. We've never talked about it. I want to know what you meant, what you think about, what could turn you on. And then you just remember it doesn't have to be a one time conversation. It's something you can continue to talk about and because it could be something else. Maybe she's had some pain or maybe she. We don't know. We actually don't know, but I think that that the first step would be having a conversation with her where you just listen to what she has to say and then take it from there.

All right, Perfect.

All right, let me know how it goes, Angel.

Thank you.

Thanks, Angel. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please, like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And, hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.