Resentment, Gratitude & Sexual Intimacy

Sometimes when we're like, you haven't had a relationship in 3 years, you forget, right? You're like, it's just really good to be in a relationship. It's like you've been in the desert and you're thirsty, you're thirsty, you're so thirsty, and someone's like, here's like a dirty glass of water with some mud in it. You're like, but I'll have a sip because it's water. And you're like, this tastes good. It's still not good, right? Like, this still is not your guy. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When resentment builds up in a relationship, it compromises our sexual connection. We feel taken for granted, unappreciated, and unseen. And most of all, we just feel emotionally unsafe, which makes it impossible to let loose and feel free in bed. So on today's show, I talk through a study that connects the dots between a quality sex life and regular expressions of gratitude. How about that? Next, I take your calls. When longstanding issues with your partner inhibit crave it, your desire, how do you break through that impasse? Or when your partner says you're not meeting their sexual standards, how much of that messaging do you take in? And when you crave words of affirmation but they just can't seem to give them, is it time for new therapy or to respectfully end the relationship? Intentions with Emily. Let's start off by setting an intention for the show. My intention is to clarify the connection between feeling appreciated and feeling aroused. Listen, both require a sense of emotional security, and when you've got that, sexual desire can flow 100 times more easily. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, How to Talk Like a Dom for Better Sex and What Is a Penis Ring and Why Should I Use It, they're up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all @sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. And ask me questions, leave me your questions, or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5777. 3-9. Before we get into today's show, I'm coming out with a book June 13th, Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. And if you know you're going to get it and help you, well, just pre-order it now. You can click the link in our show notes to easily pre-order the book, but I promise this is going to be the book that is going to change your sex life. Yes, it's got all the tips and tricks in there, but it actually tells you how to strengthen the foundation that is necessary for you to have good sex for the rest of your life. You'll automatically get my new and improved Yes, No, Maybe list and be entered to win the Smart Sex Prize Pack when you submit your proof pre-order at the link in our show notes. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Vush. So Vush is all about upleveling your pleasure at all experience levels. Last month they launched their I Come First Challenge to encourage connection and intimacy with yourself, and this month they're launching their We Come First campaign to encourage intimacy and connection with a partner. So listen, it's a 14-day challenge in which you prioritize your relationship and uplevel your intimacy. Why not do this? It's important. Commit to it. Voosh is offering a limited edition couples connection kit as part of their We Come First campaign, and I'm obsessed with this kit. It has an orb pleasure ring, which is a vibrating cock ring with rabbit ears. It's pleasure for all. They have curiosity cues. It's 50 cards that ignite conversations around sex and intimacy. Will definitely help you build stronger connections. And they have a 14-day challenge calendar full of exciting experiences. The kit is currently 30% off and you can get an additional 10% off if you use the code EMILYWCF at vushstimulation.com. Just use code EMILYWCF at vushstimulation.com or just click the link in our show notes. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. All right, this just in. I was just reading this study and it spoke to me, and I believe it's going to speak to you. There was a study that came out about complimenting your partner, about expressing gratitude. Now, this is nothing new, right? I mean, I think that we all want to feel, you know, that we are appreciated for the efforts you make in a relationship or in a friendship or at work.

I—

we're motivated by it. I think it feels good to know that all the work that you're putting in, you know, is being seen and recognized. But this study showed that expressing and receiving gratitude towards a partner, such as compliments or treats— I guess it could be a dessert or something— can help boost your intimate relationship. So being thankful and being grateful in a relationship is also key to the commitment in the relationship. So we very easily get into these expectations minus gratitude. But what happens is when we don't express that to our partner, we don't tell them that we're thankful or we're grateful. You know, that's when resentment starts to build. But they did this whole study and it came out to say this. These are the conclusions that when people were asked to write an experience, write it out where they actually felt gratitude towards their partner or felt their partner was grateful for them. Here's the kicker. They were more likely to report a stronger sexual bond. Than people who didn't. So the thing about gratitude is it is an emotion that's gonna come up when we respond to, you know, recognizing that someone else has been beneficial or valuable to us in some way. And then that predicts greater sexual communal strength. So I was thinking about this and how, how we sometimes are like, you know, we are careful with our words or we save gratitude. You know, I have a friend who she never, she rarely says, you know, let people at work know, for example, not in her relationship, but it's the same thing. She's like, no, I don't often tell them. I kind of parse it out when they're doing a good job. And I feel that she's probably got a lot of, and I kind of know this, some disgruntled employees. And the same thing is going in your relationship. I mean, I want to know from you. So I started thinking like, what, what is something? Cause we're talking about compliments. I know that I love compliments. Now words of affirmation is also my love language. So tell me I'm awesome. Tell me that you think I, you know, that you appreciate something. Tell me what you know, especially about me. That feels really good to me. And so this can be just a game changer. I think in a really, if you sit and the other thing you can do is if you sit and focus for like, let's say you decide right now you're at the point where you're like, I can't stand the way my partner chews. I can't stand their, them, you know, the way they're not recycling. So what is something that you wish your partner would say to you that they haven't been saying? Think about that for a minute. Think about why you might be frustrated right now and something that's been annoying you. It could be because you're feeling taken advantage of. You're feeling like you're the one who's constantly giving and giving and giving, and you feel that it's just, it's not appreciated. And the study says that if their partner tells them things that they like about them, well, then they feel grateful. But what I love about this is that not only once you start to express gratitude and compliments, you're actually more motivated. You're motivated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs. And I know that is challenging because I hear from you that, you know, my partner wants, wants to get on more than I do, and I just haven't been feeling it lately. Maybe you're even blaming yourself. If you're someone like me, often when I get feedback from things, I, From somebody, I often think, well, I probably did it, or I did something wrong. I had a therapist say to me once, well, why do you always take— why do you always abandon yourself and take their side that you actually didn't do anything? Because I'm like a pleaser. But really think about it for a minute and think, am I resentful of my partner right now? Maybe I have something to do with it. Maybe I haven't been grateful. And another game changer, I want you to try this. If you're in this place and this is familiar to you, Perhaps you're like, yeah, well, Dr. Emily, there's so many things. Like, I can tell you all the things that my partner's been doing that are driving me crazy lately. But I'm gonna say this. What if you suspend all those things and you say, you know what, for a week, I'm gonna try this. And I'm just going to focus on the things that I'm grateful for. You can make a list. I always write things in my phone. And it's an incredible practice. If you just say, I'm not allowed to complain, I'm not allowed to be annoyed. And in fact, I'm going to practice gratitude. You don't have to tell them yet, but they would appreciate it. You could just start making a note of it and then maybe pepper in some compliments, pepper in some gratitude. And that's actually what you're going to find is that perhaps the reason why you've not been feeling sexual or turned on or actually been wanting to even fulfill their needs is because you've just been focusing on the negative. Now, our brains tend to do that, unfortunately. That is a biological adaptation of being human is that that comes from the whole, you know, fight or flight. We're in danger, like scanning the environment and saying like, oh no, what's happening? There's like a tiger coming. It's going to eat me and my family. I mean, that is how we are wired. We have to look at where are the problems? Where can I fix things? The roof is leaking and I don't like— there's never food here or whatever it is. And then that's where we just go. And your brain is interesting. Because then it's like a slippery slope. You notice one thing that's wrong and you've been riding that. Maybe something happened over the weekend, and then it's so much easier to see all the things that your partner's doing that are wrong. And we pile it, pile it, pile it, and then on top of each other, and then we're just not interested. And then you're certainly not motivated when your partner's like, hey, I've been wanting to buy you a sex toy. What do you think about that? They might be a little bit more motivated if you both exchange gratitude and compliments. So I want to know, what is something that you wish your partner would say to you more? Or maybe you got a great compliment. What's a great compliment you got that made you feel better? It's a great exercise for all of us to do. And the interesting thing about compliments, the other reason why they feel good to us, is because it stimulates the same regions of the brain— check this— as if they give you cash money. They're like, here, is some cash for you. If someone gives you cash, someone gives you a gift, those regions light up. It's the same thing. It's that same currency is why we feel so, so great about it. But it's also gonna enhance our bond and with our partner or with anybody, with friends, giving them a compliment, giving them something that you're appreciative for. I mean, I think we're always looking for a quick fix to kind of feel closer to our partners or to feel closer to everybody. And I think just switching our mindset, you know, mindset is something that we actually control. We get to examine our thoughts. I mean, I'm not making this up. I mean, we could go back to the Buddha. I mean, that's all about recognizing that there's a human law of suffering, right? And that's what the Buddha said. He's like, we all suffer in some way. And so what are we going to do about this condition? How do we flip our thoughts? That is also our life's work, and it's practice. So especially if you've been walking around really frustrated— now, the other way this works is maybe you've been really frustrated with yourself You've been hard on yourself. You've been beating yourself up and you've been saying, you know, I'm not good. I have low self-esteem and that's why I don't want to have sex. But what I realized, and this is a practice as well, is that if I'm not feeling gratitude towards my life and at the end of the day, thinking about things or events that have happened, and I'm just kind of worried all night, I'm up thinking about things. It's really, it's not very motivating at all for you to do anything. Like this is where depression comes in too. So kind of flip the script and say, what can I be grateful for? And gratitude is such a buzzword now. It's like, be grateful, be grateful. And sometimes that can be, I don't know, I'm like, really? Like people gimme advice and I'll say, oh, let me guess, you want me to like motivate and be grateful and breathe? And I do those things. I do. But sometimes it can feel a bit much. So maybe you could say, well, what do I appreciate? Another way to look at it than gratitude. Like what happened today that's good? What did your partner do today that you appreciate? What did anyone do for you that you appreciate? And let them know. This is just— not only is it going to change our outlook and allow us to see all the things that are actually good in our environment and writing it down, but it'll actually help us, you know, enhance all of our relationships. Who doesn't want that? I love a good compliment. I've had to, like, train partners and say, when I don't feel that from a partner, I feel disconnected, and I realize that maybe I'm not getting a compliment. You haven't told me that you're attracted to me, or you think I'm sexy, or you think how smart I am. Or something. I wanna hear it. And now some people might not need that. Some people are like, I, I already know that I need gifts. I need quality time. I mean, those are the love languages, right? We need acts of service. But I think we all need appreciation. I just wanna feel appreciated. And we can provide that gift to somebody where the same regions in their brain are gonna light up if you gave 'em a $100 bill. It doesn't cost you anything. So, you know, this study also found that when couples are more grateful and show appreciation, it is a predictor. Of greater sexual communal strength, that you're going to mutually be more satisfied and you're going to have more of a bond in your relationship to say, hey, let's, let's talk about our sex life. Let's try something. You know, let's— let me fulfill your sexual needs. That's what this is. This— that it was based on how do we fulfill our partner's needs? Like, why don't we want to? Like, what is that resistance in you that doesn't want to show up for your partner? Why don't you wanna show up? What did they do? Because you could walk around being upset, angry, and talking to your friends and talking to anyone who'll listen about how you were wronged in some way and how your partner did something. But how is that going for you? How is that serving you now? Is that elevating you? Is that elevating your mindset? Is that helping you in other areas of your life? Or have you just gotten really comfort— comfortable in the discomfort and in the anger and in the resentment? Because you can carry that around, but it weighs a lot more than gratitude. Let's talk to April 39 in California. Hi, April. What's going on?

Hi.

Hi.

Well, I would just say, I guess, that my boyfriend and I have just kind of had a lot of bigger issues to try and work through, like wanting to move to a new place and just working on our relationship and I find that I'm just not as into sex lately, and I normally am really into it, but I'm just kind of mad and frustrated with him. And so, like, the emotional part's getting in the way, and I just kind of wondering if there's a way to, you know, figure, figure it all out.

But yeah, well, this is what happens. Yeah, no, but April, this is the thing that we have to honor, that our— that it's all normal, right? It feels like— am I normal? Am I normal? Is this okay? Yes. The thing that's the most constant about sex, the most normal thing about our sex drive and our sex life is that it fluctuates over time, that sometimes we're in the mood, sometimes we're not in the mood. We go through periods where we're feeling very sexual and then long periods where we're not. So, all of that is fine. But, April, if you're having challenges with your boyfriend right now, then that would make sense that, you know, when our brain isn't on board, it's hard for our body to follow. Your question is, how do I get back on board with sex? And I can tell you that, but also, do you think you want to be in this relationship? What's happening?

I mean, I definitely want to be in it, and I hope that we can work through stuff because it's not like, you know, the worst issues compared to, say, some of my girlfriends. But I just feel like he's not addressing any of the things that are kind of big, big issues for me. And so that's just making me kind of resentful. And, you know, I I keep telling him we need to spend more time talking about things and like trying to figure it out, but he's just not good at communicating and I don't know what to do. I just feel flustered and—

Yeah, well, I hear you. I mean, well, resentment's a big thing. So if you talk about why you're not in the mood, it's because your heart, you have resentments right now. And let me just tell you this, I'm going to give it to you straight. If right now he's not considering things that are important to you and doesn't want to talk about it, how long have you guys been together?

2 years.

Let me just tell you this, there's not going to be a time where he all of a sudden decides that he wants to spend a lot more time and he's cleared his schedule so he can spend more time talking about your issues. That's not gonna happen. So just know that, that people don't change much. I don't think that all of a sudden he's gonna be like, you know, April, I want you to tell me now, like, let's just take this night and dedicate it to what is going on with you because I'm here for you. You're not gonna get that, right? These shifts don't usually happen the way we expect it because it's been 2 years. If you were like 2 months, I'm like, okay, you're still getting to know each other, but 2 years.

Yeah.

What are the big issues that he doesn't want to talk about right now?

Kind of a few things. So one, I want to talk about our sex life more because it hasn't been as great as it was the last couple months.

Um, okay.

I just want to kind of talk more about our relationship and where it's going and where we're going and like goals in life. And I just kind of feel like he might be a little bit stuck, and so I have to decide how I feel about that. Yeah, and you know, I want to move into a different place and we're in a really seasonal climate, so we don't have a lot of windows to like do that kind of stuff. And, um, he has a pet that just drives me crazy and he won't do any training or like resolve any issues there. And you know, I'm just not down with cleaning up messes all the time and dealing with bad behavior all the time and It's just like kind of embarrassing.

Yeah, that's a lot. Okay, so April, can you hear why maybe you don't feel like jumping on his bones right now? I mean, I'm hearing— yeah, I mean, really, I mean, you guys live together then, right? Because you have to deal with the pet.

Yeah.

So I mean, the first thing is I feel like if you had some more security— I mean, what I see is I just already wrote it down. I was like, okay, sex life, relationship, goals in life, then the pet's like number 4. But I see them as all kind of related, right? Like, you think he's not moving forward in his goals in life and he's not even training. You say it was a dog or just a pet? I mean, he's not training his pet.

Yeah, dog.

He's not training the pet. He's not training himself. Your sex life is not— is stagnant right now because you don't feel safe and you don't know where it's going. And you're 39 years old. So like, you know, in our 20s, I don't know, for me in my 20s, I was like, yeah, I've got all the time in the world. And then I'm like, oh, right, I actually need to know because if we— if it's not working, I'm out. And so, these are all huge. These are not just the things that are important to you. I think, April, you want to be with a partner who thinks these are important too, who the second the sex life isn't great, he wants to talk about it with you and be like, what can we do? And they want to know where it's going as well. So, yeah, I mean, I could tell you ways that you could get turned on again and what you can do, but I think that these are the things that we got to figure out now because you live together. I mean, do you want to have kids?

Um, I feel like that window is closing quickly if it's not already closed, so— right, probably more unlikely than not.

Yeah, I mean, you're 39, you know, women—

and the dog thing is certainly not helping that.

Uh, the dog? Yeah, I mean, I mean, right, well, look at the dog. Your kid's gonna be out of—

you don't know what I'm saying.

Exactly. So I mean, this is— hey, you're— this is I'm just replying, just sharing back with you what you just shared with me. I just want to reframe. These are really big issues. These are really important things to figure out as an adult with someone you've been with for 2 years. Even one of these things, right? Like most people are like, everything's great, but our sex life isn't, or everything's great, but, you know, I feel like I'm not inspired by my partner because he's not motivated to get a job. Like, but these are all 3 things. I'm not even including the dog. My recommendation to you is to say, we have to talk about all these things and that in fact, we got to figure out an answer right now. And I love therapy, like you could see someone for an hour a week for the next month and have way more answers than you did today because I don't think that— it doesn't sound like he's someone who's going to be on board with that or you guys are going to be able to figure it out when he doesn't really want to talk about anything. I've been with guys too for even shorter amount of time than 2 years and we went for a few weeks, few months and we figured it out. Because it's like a mediator. It's someone who's going to help you move the needle and move it along because these matter to you and they should matter to you. And it's not just your agenda, it's his agenda too. It's his life.

Right.

Could you see a therapist?

Do you have any tips on how to find a therapist?

I do. I mean, honestly, well, first off, do you have insurance?

I do.

Okay, awesome. I mean, a lot of insurance companies right now, for many plans, you get like 10 sessions free or they pay half of it. So I would first, if you're concerned about money, I would, um, I would look at your plan and see who, who's covered. You know, you could probably log in. Psychology Today has a good list of therapists. You know, you can search specifically by what you're looking for, like a family therapist or a couples therapist. And, mm-hmm. And really it's a relationship thing. It's like making new friends in a way. You gotta see like, do you like this person? But honestly, I would find somebody that's covered by your insurance and honestly, a basic therapist. They don't do the best one in the world, but they can, I mean, hopefully you find a really good one. But most therapists will help you just develop tools so you can learn to communicate with him specifically and get to the bottom of this if you both want the same things. And if he says no to therapy and no to talking, there's your answer.

Yeah.

Thank you, April. Thanks for calling. Stay tuned because after the break, I'm helping callers work through toxic situations and ask for more of their love languages. Don't go away. Let's talk to Mary, 28, in California. Hi, Mary. Thanks for calling.

I haven't been in a relationship in 3 years, and I just got into one. It's a great relationship except for we're really opposites in a lot of ways, but particularly in the amount of, like, stimulation and novelty that we crave just in everything in life. I could eat the same thing every day. He wants to, you know, do like fine dining all the time, uh, etc., etc. But where it really manifests itself in sex, um, I have some chronic health issues that I am working with like a functional medicine doctor and even a sexological body worker because I have like trouble orgasming.

Okay.

Um, and so like I'm— I feel like I'm doing like— and just like a regular therapist, like I'm doing a shitload of work on myself.

Yeah, you are. Um, love it, girl. It's great.

And I also have like a really demanding like tech job My bandwidth is very just tight at the end of the day. I'm exhausted. And he really craves and really honestly expects sex every single night. And I haven't been in a relationship in so long that I am like, I don't know if this is normal. Like, I— he tells me like that he's missing out on like kind of so many other novel parts of his life because of me, because of like my, my energy limitations and like my food limitations that like You know, sex is something that he really, really, really needs. So I'm like, I feel like I owe it. And I feel like a fucking '50s housewife right now, to be honest.

Well, Mary, this sounds like— okay, Mary, well, first off, I'm so glad you called in because Mary, this is not a healthy situation. I believe that he is gaslighting you. I mean, this is a great example of saying like, you aren't doing this way and I need this, but you know, this is what's normal and you're somehow not fulfilling my needs. And he doesn't sound like he has any compassion or empathy for what you need right now. And I don't think he ever really will. I also understand that the attraction is so exciting 'cause you're more set in your ways and you've got, you have more structure. And then he's somebody who's probably very exciting to you because he brings all the adrenaline and all this excitement. But to answer your question, no, nobody has sex every day unless, I'll never tell anyone that you have to have sex 7 times a week, that's what's normal. Each couple gets to decide what is normal for them. But for him telling you that that's what you have to do, and then using your weaknesses, using your health, against you is not healthy.

And he's treated me so much better than like past boyfriends because like past boyfriends have been like really annoyed about like my limitations as well. But, um, Vicky just like treats me so much better that it, it's like I didn't really see this for a long time. And then like last night, like, um, I had like insomnia. I mean, I have insane insomnia anyway, but like last night it was till like 4 AM because I kind of like ignored being tired and just was like gave in to sex though I didn't want to. And then, um, you know, he falls asleep 5 minutes later and I'm like up for the next 7 hours.

You know, that sounds lonely too.

Even work today.

Yeah.

Mary, I was dysfunctional.

How long were you out of a relationship for? You said for a while.

Um, 3 years, 3 years. I was really just like dialing in like my health and just personal development and all that.

Mary, this doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel like he has the maturity to really hold space for you and listen to what you need. Trust yourself here. You don't, need to want to have sex every single day, even if it's a new relationship. And you wanted to be like, I understand. You want to be with a guy who's like, you know what, I get you don't want it tonight. I know your health. I know when you don't sleep, it's rough. So let's, you know, can't wait for this weekend. You know, that's the kind of person you want to be with.

So I just think he says like, I'm like different than all the other girls he's been with. And I'm like, I texted my craziest best friend who's like, I mean, she has a very high bar for stimulation. Like she needs a lot of it. And she's like, Yeah, I don't even like, I don't even have sex every day.

You know, like, of course not. Listen, just because he seems a little bit nicer than the other guys, he's still not the guy for you. Right. And I also, I think sometimes when we're like, you haven't had a relationship in 3 years, you forget, right? You're like, it's just really good to be in a relationship. It's like you've been in the desert and you're thirsty. You're thirsty. You're so thirsty. And someone's like, here's like a dirty glass of water with some mud in it. You're like, but I'll have a sip because it's water. And you're like, this tastes good. It's still not good. Right? Like this still is not your guy. So if you can break from it now, I'm telling you everything you've told me, it's toxic and it's not healthy. And he's using all the tactics. He's saying to you, what did he say? Everyone else is doing it, or you never feel great. So he's striking your vulnerabilities and saying, yeah, well, because you're never fit to have sex or you're weaker, whatever it is, he's using your vulnerabilities against you. And you want someone who's like understanding, empathic, because you're working on yourself. And you need somebody who's working on you. You know, you want him to like build you up. And this sounds manipulative and unhealthy. You're already calling in after 3 months. Can you leave him, Mary? Are you going to take my advice?

Oh man. Um, I am going to do a lot of thinking.

So I don't think it's healthy. You're going to find more guys the sooner you move on. Okay. Bye, Mary. Let's talk to Darryl, 60, because he's, uh, his relationship needs aren't being met. What's going on, Daryl?

So we've been dating, we were engaged, and we were dating, we're still dating, but she asked me, I guess, maybe about 3, 4 years ago, what is it sexually that you miss or that you like? And I told her, I really like this when you do this, this, then the other. And she's not— and she stopped. And I'm like, okay, so it's like, so why did you ask me. If you— if a lot of things that— it's like if she finds I don't like something, she has an excuse not to do it.

Oh.

And, you know, and I'm listening and everything, and we've been going through something, and she gave me this real nice heartfelt card, and I'm like, wow, that's what I've been waiting on. That's kind of what I've been wanting to hear. And then it's like You know, it's kind of like no follow-up.

Yes, she's just doing enough to keep you. How long have you been together, Darryl?

We've been together about 8 years.

Okay.

You know, we got, we got engaged and I really love her. We went through our little, you know, I tried therapy and it was, it seemed to be kind of all about me, my shortcomings and everything. And this is another thing that kind of got me One day for Sweetie's Day, I asked her, I said, I don't want anything for Sweetie's Day. I want you to write me a letter and tell me how you feel about me, because I'm always giving her cards just because, flowers and stuff like that. I said, I want you to sit down and write a letter from your heart and tell me how you feel about me. To this day, I've never gotten a letter. But when we were, when we were going through therapy, we had the— she, I I was doing something in her room and she told me to look for something. I found the notebook and I kind of peeked and she was right. I didn't read all of it, but I read enough. And it was interesting to me that you can't write a letter to me, but you can sit down and write a letter about me.

Hmm, okay. You know, what do you— yeah, I mean, so what do you need from her? Like, here's the thing, it's been 8 years, Darryl. You're 60 years old. Do you think— I mean, yeah, what do you need?

Peace of mind and affection. That's it. I mean, because if, if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and, you know, she'll say she's happy and stuff like that, but she doesn't show it, you know, like I get dressed to go to work, go work out, or put some cologne on, and she'll make a comment, well, I don't want you smelling good for all the other women and stuff like that. But yet when I'm around you, I get very little or any affection.

Yeah, you need words of affirmation and physical touch. Yeah, that's your love language. I can already tell you need words of affirmation and you need physical touch, and she's not giving you these essential things that you need, and you don't feel love.

Exactly. And as far as the sex and everything, if I don't initiate it, it won't happen, right? Sounds like she used to be a thing where when we— if she wanted to, there was never a problem with that. But now if I don't initiate it, does it happen? And it's like I'm, I'm just, you know, yeah, and nothing. Like you said, what happened to the therapy?

What happened to the therapy, Darryl?

The therapy, we went a few times and there were some things that they pointed out that, you know, I could kind of see me doing. I'm like, okay, I'll work on that, I'll work work on that. And then, you know, it got to be expensive and we had to stop working.

I was saying, okay, so you're paying for everything and you're not getting any of your basic needs met and it's all your fault. And you actually are using the words that you're trying to make change, you're trying to do something different. And it— again, there's two sides every story. I'm not taking your side over your girlfriend's. I don't know her, I haven't met her. But it sounds to me like you need to know that she is making efforts in some area and she's not just gaslighting you and saying it's all about you.

Exactly, exactly. You know, because then that's what I'm gonna say. We had a big blowup about 2 weeks ago, and I'm like, you know, it would be nice if we could sit down and have a conversation and be like, you know, okay, I hear what you saying and I'll try to work on it. I hear what you saying, but it was always— it's always what I'm not doing.

It's been 8 years, Darryl. Darryl, it's been 8 8 years, and I don't think that people change unless they make efforts towards changing, unless she says, "You're right. I'm going to work on it." But she hasn't made any of these changes. She wrote you one card, and it's not going to change. So Darryl, what do you want? What patterns are repeating for you? Have you found yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? Was this something that was modeled in your home perhaps growing up where someone settled for something? Usually it goes back and back, but what are What do you want right now? What do you need? Because people don't change. You're 60. I don't know how old she is, but we don't change that much, especially now. Like, you should have— be with someone who appreciates you, who tells you you look sexy, and they initiate and they make you feel good in these basic ways that you need. If I didn't have a partner that gave me words of affirmation or touched me, I'd be out. So you know what you need, Darryl. But what are you going to do one thing different in your relationship? What can you do tonight that's different?

Tonight I can start by saying, you know, I don't want to say start being more selfish, but that might be, you know, it's time. What about me? What do I want? What do I need? And how can I get it?

Yeah, you could say, we got a month, we got to give us 2 months, and I'm going to write down and say, these are the things that I need, you know. And you can't be— I wouldn't say to her like, you got to stop, stop, stop. No one hears that, but I would say, I think we need to have an honest talk about our relationship. I want it to be healthy and I want to figure out, it seems like it's been very contentious. I'm not getting my needs met. You don't seem happy, whatever. And here's what needs to change. Otherwise, I think we both need to find partners that make us the most satisfied. Now she starts yelling and screaming, then you got to go back to therapy if you still want to make it work or you leave. Cause it's, you know, try to have a healthy conversation without blaming or shaming and putting anyone went on the defensive. That's your assignment. Thanks, Darryl. Thanks for calling.

I appreciate it.

Love it. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Emily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.