Retreating to the Bedroom with Pamela Madsen

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by founder of Back to the Body Sensuous retreats, Pamela Matson to talk about the retreat that I actually went on. Yes, I went firsthand to one of her retreats so I could gain more knowledge and pass it to you. Topics include how to have one way touch and not feel guilty about it. This is a big one. A little lesson in practicing outer course fun and sexy games to do at home that will definitely spice things up in the bedroom as well as feeling some untapped pleasure and my own personal experience from the retreat. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. got lots of blogs and posts on the site to help you better. Sex. Sex with Emily, across the board is social media. Follow us there. I'm doing a lot more live chats for you, so I can help you guys with everything going on right now. I understand that a lot of us are in tough times. We all are. We're isolated, either with a partner or alone. How do we cope? Right now? I got you Intentions with Emily. So I'm going to start off by setting intention for each show I do that. I'd love you to do the same. So what I mean is, when you're listening, think about, like, what do I want to get out of listening this episode? Like, how could it help me? It could be, wow, Emily, one way. Touch. Yeah. I want to figure out how to receive pleasure without, you know, without having to worry about my partner all the time or. Emily, you talked about this retreat. I want to hear what happened. My intention is to show you that we're never done learning. No matter where you work, no matter what you do, when it comes to sex and relationships, we are not lost causes. We can always find ways to find to get the pleasure that we deserve. Okay, so Pamela Matson is the founder and CEO of Back to the Body. They're sensuous retreats for women. So essentially, she gives women permission to have pleasure they deserve, that they're capable of in a safe space, surrounded by the power of sisterhood. I actually came to Hawaii for one of these retreats, and it was quite the experience, so I wanted to have her talk it through with me, explain a little bit more about it, why it was so healing and eye opening. And this was an Instagram Live that had so much information, I just wanted to bring it all to you on the podcast. So enjoy the show.

Kamala, what up? Hi. Hi, honey. Thank you. Everybody who's been so patient.

So patient. But people's messages are funny. They're like, what else do we got to do?

Right. That's a true story. But what else do you have to do? And. And they're waiting on these two hot chicks who are going to talk.

Exactly.

Sexuality retreats and why we're both stuck in Maui where women can come to come back to all of their body.

Yes.

Every inch. Yes, every little.

Every inch of our bodies, Pamela.

Every inch.

I mean, I'm so fortunate that I know you, that you're in my life for so many reasons. The Most immediate working backwards is during this awful time in the world. If you gotta be quarantined somewhere, it's not so bad to be in Maui.

No, it's not so bad to be in Maui. Though I will say that it was better.

It was better in our bubble.

It was better in our bubble. And then they took away our pool here. I know people are, like, going, oh, I'm so sad for you right now. I am so sad. But we did have a pool, and there's an ocean, and we're not allowed to swim in it, so.

Can't swim in the ocean?

No, they won't let us swim in the ocean or go in the pool. It's kind of like denial, right? It's like orgasm.

It's like orgasm denial, but it's ocean denial. I can't decide which one.

Ocean and pool denial. Like, there it is, you feel the yearning, and it whispers to you. It says, come. Come, Pamela. Come to the ocean. Come. And I go to the edge, and I'm ready to jump in. And then there's a sign that says, you. If you go in, you will get a fine to throw it in jail or be exported. Exported, Emily. I'm not wanting to be exported right now. Back to New York, where I live, which is apparently the epicenter of everything.

That's why we're here. Because New York is the epicen and Los Angeles is the next one. So we're just like, let's stay in Maui. We're in a really good mindset. We got off of a retreat. I was in a retreat for a week with Pamela. I went to one of her Back to the Body retreats. And, yeah, we came out of our little, like, orgasmic pleasure bubble that we were all in. And the world has. It's gotten to be a really tricky place. And so we're going to stay. I figured. And the mindset that I was in after attending your retreat was such that I feel very embodied. I feel very grounded.

You look beautiful.

Thank you. I believe it all started at your retreat. And I love that. I love it too, Pamela. And I mean, I want to tell people just joining us, thank you, everybody, for, like, coming back. But so, Pam, if they just. I want to. You know, you're the founder, the CEO and founder of Back to the Body. They can find it. Backtothebody.org and essentially, your retreats give women permission to. To be in their bodies, in a safe place and have pleasure. They deserve that. They're capable of. And I think a lot of us A lot of women don't realize our capacity for pleasure, our potential for pleasure. And my reason for going is, first off, I have several friends who are also sexual. My friend Pam Costa and Dolly had been. And then I met you. And I was like, this is pretty fabulous. I think I want to try it. And we tried to schedule it a few times, and I just feel like the universe was like, this is the time to go. And it was the perfect time to be here with you in Maui. And I feel like I was just going over my notes because there's so much happened and since it's been so crazy, I haven't had a lot of time. I mean, I've been processing it. So I went through my journal and some things that I wrote down. Pamela was that when I first got there. So we were in Maui. And this is you guys. Everyone check out Pamela. And you can check her out@backtothebody.org the things that I wrote down was. Which I think could be really relevant also to everyone who's home right now in quarantine. Because we've been getting so, so many messages from people who are just like, they don't have desire, they're bored, they're scared, they're anxious, and all these things. Couples are together, they're thinking, well, gosh, if they had problems with their sex life before and they weren't turned on right now, you know, anxiety is a huge killer of our sex drive and stress. And I was going back to something that you said on the very first day of our back to the body retreat was that that women, heterosexual relationships, this happens in all relationships, that we are robbed of our right to experience arousal. And the average couple you did, you talked about takes seven minutes to warm up. And you made a joke like, you take your toast, takes longer for the entire sex for seven minutes, and sex is over for the average couple. But what about arousal? What about turning ourselves on? Like, let's talk about arousal and some of the blocks women have for arousal.

I think the biggest block is that women are frightened to take time because if their guy, you know, starts to get excited, right? And starts pushing in and pushing in and pushing in and wanting more and wanting more. Women tend to want to meet their partner where they are, because women are incredible service animals, like, and support animals and servers. And so we feel we use the man's erotic system as the barometer of how ours should be. And what's true is it actually should be the other way around, right? Because women are slower. Generally speaking, women Take longer to come into full, delicious arousal. And most women have never experienced it because they are so concerned about the time. And so I'm taking too long. I'm a big job. He's getting bored. Well, what if he's not getting bored, ladies? And what if you guys who are out there. So ladies, give him some encouragement? Like, yes, baby, that feels so good. More, More. Oh, you know, I'm loving this. Stay there longer. Like, we need to find your voice. As women, we need to actually take up space erotically.

Yes.

And what we do, back to the body and what you experience. Emily is teaching women how to ask for more and to give them the experience with a trained practitioner who is there simply to be of service. They keep their clothes on, guys. So don't get worried. There's no intercourse happening or oral sex. The guys keep their clothes on. General touch their glove. This is a profession.

It's a profession.

Yeah. I was on Adam Carolla's podcast yesterday. It just came out today. Everyone you could check out, I was explaining to him about it, and he was like, what do you mean? You know, everyone. So let's start with that. Explaining what the. Because I was there. There was 18 women. We were in a beautiful bubble, and 11 practitioners. And there's men and women. And men are. Let's go. Let's talk about what they do. You're saying they're wearing their clothes. It's not.

Well, right.

How do you explain it?

So. So these are practitioners, and they are trained in the art of touch. They're actually also trained in the art of giving presence and attention and listening to women. And we work on massage tables. And it's also done in sisterhood, where you're with lots of other women and you are with female. We call safe courts coordinators, psychotherapists, sex educators who are women supporting the bubble. And the first thing is helping women put down their hyper vigilance. Because women are always thinking that the guy wants more or they're maybe feeling frightened. They may be expected to perform for the man. And with somatic sex education, the emphasis is simply on the woman learning how to receive pleasure for extended periods of time. Because most women. It really sounds weird. We don't know how to accept pleasure for extended periods of time.

Exactly. We're like, is it over? Like, the hyper vigilance thing is, like, the reason why, like women, we have such capacity for pleasure. And we don't know because we're worried. They don't really want to be pleasing us. We don't Even know what to ask for. We have this idea in our head that orgasm looks a certain way and then it just goes right into penetration. So you're so right. And that hyper vigilance, we talked a lot about that on the back to the body retreat. Can you explain that a little bit more? I love how you dig into that.

Sure. So women, generally speaking, if you are a female bodied person walking around, you know, you may have had trauma. You may, you know, I don't, you know, I'm not pushing this, but there's cap, there's trauma with a capital T. You could have had some kind of sexual abuse in your life. And someone react poorly to the wolf whistle or being eyeballed or being approached aggressively in a bar. And so they're always sort of, they want to look pretty, we want to look pretty. But we're also scared of our prettiness.

Right.

Because somebody may come after us. And so in order for a woman to really open and really learn how to accept pleasure and really source their pleasure, they have to stop worrying that something's going to happen to them, that they're safe. And men who are in women's lives can help cultivate that by assuring their women that, you know what? I really want to give you a breast massage tonight. Nothing more, right? Just a breast massage. And keep your word. Even if you get a hard on or you know, you're like, keep your word. I'm just going to do a breast massage for you tonight and earn your woman's trust so she can put down her hyper vigilance that something else is always going to be asked.

Always asked, right? We got to make it. Yeah, like, like you're gonna give me a massage and then I have to give you a blowjob and then make you dinner and then clean up the laundry and then do all these things. So I'd rather just not have sex or not have touch because we always feel like we're gonna have to deliver. And it's so hard for women, even myself there I learned like, it's really hard just to receive pleasure without being like, what do you need from me? What do you need from me?

And so, yeah, how many shoulder rubs have you gotten? That was a guy coming behind you to give you a shoulder rub, which was their way of, honestly, I'm going to say this kind of rudely to get in your pants.

Can a shoulder rub just be a shoulder rub? So women are already trained that the shoulder rub means that something else is going to happen. So what happens Back to the body is we actually take the possibility of touching back away. Like, sorry, ladies, you may not touch back. This is not a touch back program. This is a program where you learn to receive pleasure in your body through one way touch. Where you can learn to explore what turned you on. Women find out things. We had a woman, a very sophisticated woman, and she was 50. She never had an orgasm before she had her first one at Back to the Body. Women are ejaculating for the first time and back to the body. Why? Because they're given enough time to receive and they also don't have to take care of things around them. You didn't have to feed yourself. Well, you did with a fork, you know. But we cooked for the women. There's other activities and workshops and dances and fun and art and various things. But so it becomes this beautiful sisterhood space too, of women holding women before and after, sharing aftercare with each other and experiences. So the women and the practitioners sort of melt into this beautiful little love pot that has a beginning, a middle and an end. After the retreat is over, all contact ends with the practitioners.

Right.

And after the sessions. So you went and you had your 90 minute session, Emily, and then you went to lunch and all the pregnancy. They're having burgers.

Exactly.

For people to be like, how could you receive touch? And then it doesn't become sexual. Oh, they're probably gonna. No, it's really. It's really not. So someone's asking you guys, we're gonna reset here. I'm talking to Pamela Madsen. She's the CEO and founder of BackToTheBody.org. you gotta check out her retreats for women. And it's for women to really understand that a lot of people are home right now. They are quarantined. They're with their partners. We're also. If you are single and you are. I hate the word single. You are quarantined by yourself right now. We are also. Pamela, I want to get into dirty talk too. I want to get into how to communicate better with your partners. Because I think a lot of us are trying to figure that out. But what we are talking about specifically is giving women permission to receive, to be in our bodies and to understand our arousal. If you are home right now, you are quarantined with your partner and you are like, I'm not in the mood for sexual. I'm not stressed out. Like Pam always says, it might mean that you have low libido, you have high boredom. Even in this time of quarantine how can you figure out what you actually need? And so what we're talking about here is that for many women, I'm going to sum up what we just talked about is that we actually don't even know because we've never given ourselves time to figure out what does turn me on, what does feel good. Oh, and then we. And because the way it's oriented, especially in heterosexual relationships, you partner with a penis gets turned on like that, they see you walk in the room, they have an erection. We are not there yet, but we kind of go through the motions and we prematurely allow for premature penetration. So the penis, we are not turned on. We are not aroused. So what I learned on this retreat is ways to really slow it down and figure out how do I get turned on? And maybe it is. And people have time right now at home to say, you know what, babe, tonight I'm going to give you a massage for 20 minutes and that's it. I'm going to get you. And if it turns into something else, by your consent. And you said, you know what, babe, after that 20 minute shoulder rub, I actually consent to more right now. But maybe just learning how to receive and get into our bodies could be enough to reconnect with our partners. It could be a great exercise.

I have some ideas. Emily.

Yes.

First of all, I want to let people know that tomorrow, if they go to my Instagram, which is at the Pamela Madsen, I think that's what it is at the Pamela Madsen, go to my link tree. There's giggle wiggles, moans and groans and court box, the body box. And I. Hi, Cort. A live stream. A live stream clay shop for couples with their clothes on. And we're going to be exploring like, you know, what do you find around your house that you can play with with Sensation toys? And you were there for our fantasy demo. You've seen that we're going to be doing the fantasy demo.

Oh, it's so smart.

I love that. Free. And that's tomorrow. And you can. You can register it. Register for it at the Pamela Madsen. Go to my link tree. It's the first one. Another idea. So that can get you inspired.

Yeah. Check it out. Tomorrow. Okay. What time is it at?

You know what? It's. I'm really scared that you're going to ask me that question. I'm so concerned about it. I'm done. But I think that it would be 5:00pm and 8:00pm, 5:00pm Eastern Standard Time, 8:00pm Pacific Time, 8:00pm Eastern Standard Time. But please just go to the link. It is tomorrow. It will be free.

We.

This is the second one we did. We did one two days ago. And what people were so excited about it. We had a woman who actually said that she ejaculated energetically with no hands, just watching. So apparently it's better than Netflix.

Oh my God. Yeah.

So people just check that out. But I think another great idea for people who are just beginning or want to restart their relationship. You know, I love massage tables. You may not have one at home if you want to spend a hundred bucks Amazon delivers or work on your bed. And I'm recommending that people who haven't been touching a lot start with their clothes on.

Okay. I love that.

Clothes on.

This is for everyone home during quarantine right now.

Yeah.

Start with clothes on.

Start with clothes on. I'm giving you and we call it erotically informed touch. And we're going to be demoing that erotically informed touch. That means that I'm not going to go right to your genitals. Okay. I'm going to give you a sensuous full body massage. I'll do you know about drive bys. So I'll go in your inner thigh and maybe over your. Your genital area. But I'm not going to actually work on stimulating you so directly. And we're going to try to build arousal and arousal antidepressants. So if you're feeling sad, it's going to make you feel better and you can start to play with each other. But no sex, even though it's sex with Emily, it's playing with sex.

No sex.

It's not traditional sex.

Right.

We're playing with what I like to call out. Of course.

I love out.

Of course.

And I think a lot of us love outercourse, but we are told by society that it's all about penis goes in vagina or penetration. But for women, outercourse is a way to touch all these other erogenous zones that could really bring us pleasure that we never even get to explore. I love it.

Guess what? Guess what. You guys listening in? I'm talking to you. You may not even know how hot your armpit is. Okay. And how turned on you are with a fork running down your armpit or some ice or a feather because you're so in a rush to. We love to say the F word on this. Yes.

Yes.

So in a rush to fuck and then it's over. Okay. It's like having a brewski and a fuck and a Nap like you've got time. You're. You are with your woman. You know, why don't let. Why don't we allow her to also give you expanded arousal?

Right, exactly. So we're talking about ways to tease. What about, like. So what I love is we're talking about. And people can see this tomorrow, that we did this exercise one day where everyone had to bring three inanimate objects from our home. And I realized that things could become. Think anything could be like, I bought like a toothpick. I bought a makeup brush. Stephanie Jo brought a makeup brush and put it over my skin. It was like, it felt so, so nice just to. It was like arousal. So there's different things around your home that you can use to tease each other. And it feels great for everybody. Men, women, all the places. All the things.

All the places.

Yeah. And I think that's what we really need now is we need more arousal and touch. And so. And going back to something earlier, I think a lot of couples just forget intimacy and they forget touch. Because every time their partner does come up behind them and give them a massage, touch their face, they're like, oh, that means sex. Intercourse has to happen. So I feel like this thing of bringing touch back, where we have time on our hands. You're going to get yours. Everyone's going to get their pleasure and their orgasm. Let's take time reconnecting. And I like the idea of maybe taking sex off the table, intercourse, and just rebuilding. Remember at the beginning of your relationship when everything was so hot and everything was so sexy? This is the time you can stir all that up again and make it happen at home.

You know, listen, I was a kindergarten teacher, and so everything.

Which is why we get along so well, because sometimes I feel like I need that kind of help.

Right? So every, you know, so the hardest part, the biggest problem with sex is that we take it way too seriously. Sex is play, and to bring the play back. And, yes, you do have time now that you didn't have before. So take it slow. And, you know, one thing I love that some of the practitioners were doing at this last retreat was they were, like, leaving little notes. They were saying a note for the woman that was their client. So you're a team. So people understand you're teamed at the retreats with one practitioner for the entire retreat. So you build a relationship. You get to know each other very, very well. And it starts before the retreat where they do it and take. And they get to know you.

Okay, we're going to Take a quick break. And I just want to thank everyone for supporting our sponsors. They are still in business. They're still shipping you toys and services that you might need. Right now, they're helping us keep the show on the air and you're helping them. So we're all in this together. I'm going to take a quick break. We come back more with Pamela Matson.

Question.

So, you know, think about, how do you even sext with each other in the same house? Well, I love, and I have to say I really learned from my practitioners, okay. That this was not innate for me. I got stimulated around. I had a session with Court and he re stimulated this part of my brain. And you can do this for each other at home. He left a note for me and the note had instructions. So if you're in the same house, like, leave a note whether you're the man or the woman who's ever wanting to initiate the play. Leave a note. Like how the note. You're gonna have to, like, prepare a little bit to have the notes. Say something like, meet me, you know, in the garage at 8pm We're a bathroom.

Right.

And then when she arrives, there could be a platter and it could have a special juice and the chocolate and something else and more instructions, you know, drink the juice, savor the taste. Put the chocolate in your mouth, let it melt. Notice the blindfold. Put it on. Wait for me. Now, in the scene that was created for me, there was a crop, and it had a feather at one end and leather the other. And it said, the crop has both ends. You know, choose the one you want. Now that's, you know. Yeah, Emily. Very hot. Okay?

Hot.

Very hot. And so you can create these scenes in your house. You could run a bath, you could leave a note saying, meet me in the bathroom, you know, at three o'. Clock. And, you know, be naked. Be prepared to receive, see pleasure and feel the anticipation. Make it. Make a note that says, do not open until 6am tomorrow morning. And then make the person, like, wait with that note.

Yes.

Anticipation, Arousal, Arousal. You know, we all think it's about orgasm. So the best orgasms happen after a lot of arousal. You want your man or your woman to scream in pleasure. Well, baby, baby, baby. You gotta arouse them with their mind, with anticipation, with touch. Yeah. What do you think?

I think so too. I mean, I mean, if you guys don't think about if you're in a relationship now or you're with somebody, the desire, the teasing before you actually are with them, it Was. That was the exciting part. People was like, I want to get back to when I. The first three months, it was so hot. That's because it was new, it was novel, it was exciting, it was spontaneous. And then we all wonder, well, why isn't as hot as it was at the beginning? It's because everything became very rote. Every day was the same, well, now I'm naked, you're naked. We penetrate, we roll over, we watch Netflix. Like, like, it's so boring. But right now, right now is the. Is the time that we can bring it back. And you do that by building it up again. Go back to how it was at the beginning. So, yeah, like, don't allow the clothes to come off right away. Make out, tease each other like when you first met. Find out new things like, hey babe, like, have conversations about, like the first time you had sex. What was the sexiest time we've been together?

Tell.

Let's tell me in your voice. Like, what are the hottest moments you've ever had sex? Have your partner write that to you or text that. Do people are asking about sexting right now too? So you could either verbally tell your partner this and be like, I remember the, the first time we were together and I saw you and we knew that was the night it was all going to happen. And you came over to my house and you brought me those delicious chocolates and then you fed them to me, and I had the candles going and I was playing my favorite playlist and you slowly undressed me as you fed me chocolate. And it was so hot, so hot. Made you so raw. Use descriptives, use descriptive words and like, explain things to each other. You could do this over text, you could do this in person. And I think once we relive sexual fantasies or memories of things we've done together, that could be part of it. Going back to that time or building new memories like the old memories, or build new ones. And that can bring you right back, stimulating those positive memories.

Absolutely. I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell one of the things. So that's one way. And I love doing sexual histories together because reminding each other of, you know, your couple sexual history and then taking the risk of once upon a time before I met you, Once upon a time before I met you, there was this man. Or once upon a time before I met you, there was this woman. And you know, being brave about talking about things that you did in the past or a make believe story and playing with fantasy. And again, we'll teach that we Will teach how to do this tomorrow night. But another thing is, what if we stop talking? Like, what if we decide that we're gonna do a touch exercise with each other with no words? Can you do that?

I have a hard time not talking. I might need to put a gag, a mouth gag. But, yeah, I could totally do that. And then you're just looking into those eyes and you're just. You're actually feeling. You actually have to be more embodied when you're not talking about it.

I'm just going to give a couple of fun games.

Let's do some fun games. Yeah.

Okay. Another fun game at home is so there's a not talking. Okay. We all know about the talking and being directive and using our voice and making sounds and telling people what we want. Another experience is to say you're going to intentionally be still. Can you be intentionally still while receiving pleasure? It's a very different experience. And especially if your partner. Again, you're not just playing dead for your partner. They know. Okay. That you're not going to move now. You're going to just really receive this pleasure. It's a really fun game to play. Another really fun game to play is can you hear erotic touch while dancing, moving and making sounds? And this all can happen in your living room.

I know, right? We can all do this in our. This is the thing when. Once the kids go to sleep or if no kids are at home, set a new environment. I think the other reason we get so bored. Bored with our sex life is we're having sex in the same way, in the same place, in the same bed. Like, especially now, we're so tired of our homes. I like the idea of the garage. Like, get some blankets down. Do something different. Like get outside your comfort zone. Create a different environment, different space for you guys to turn each other on. So.

And really invest in a massage table. I have no stock in massage tables, but massage tables are one of the greatest sex toys ever. Because a well, you can tie each other up to a massage table. You are able to really get to all the parts. You can climb on top of a massage table on top of your partner. It gives you a lot of ability to move. And again, Amazon will deliver. They'll leave the box outside your door. You can wipe it down, and you can surprise your partner.

Get down the box. I love that, Pamela. I didn't get it as much until back to the body retreat. How much I. The massage table is a game changer because you can put sheets down. You're out of Your bed. And, like, it's such a great way to actually receive the touch to trade it back and forth. To be like, now's your time on the table. Now is my time on the table. And it's really hot to receive.

And another thing people can do is what about working with a sex coach with your partner while you're home?

Let's talk about that.

You know, I mean, that's available. I know that back to the body's offering that. It's not on the website yet, but where you can coach and work with a sex educator online. You know, maybe just do. Gonna do it twice or do it once as something exciting and fun to do. To work with a male and female sex educator or male or female. You know, we're offering both, you know, couples.

Oh, that's great.

And could that be exciting for you to talk about. To talk about sex with a sex educator with your partner and start to explore that.

It's like a business coach, but like a sex coat for your sex life. It's like, right.

That you can do from home. And, you know, yes, I run retreats, and they're travel retreats. And I love that you were there and you got to experience what it was as a woman to completely drop into your body. And the retreats are continuing, and we'll be starting up again in June.

Okay.

And they're online if people can find them. But meanwhile, you can make a pleasure plan and. And plan for anticipation for later. But there are things that you can be doing at home with each other.

Right?

With your own body.

Yeah, let's. So the other thing someone just said, and I think this is really important. Jan. I think her name is Jan Instagram. She said, expand on sharing past experiences. Because we were saying that sometimes narrating our past sexual experiences can be really hard for a partner. But I also want to clear. I want people to clarify with their partner. Because some partners have a really hard time hearing about past lovers. That is so talking about, like, consent. Say, are you okay hearing this now? I recommend that talking about the partner's body type or shape or what, like what the size was or where even the partner's name. But maybe an experience that you enjoyed. Because for some partners with, like, jealous, they never get that out of their head. And I think it takes a certain maturity, emotional maturity in a relationship for people to be able to handle that. But I have found that with lovers of mine that are mature, it's really hot for us both to kind of hear about past experiences. But again, that's not for everybody.

So it is not for everybody. Even as I was sharing it, I was going, well, maybe I should do a warning sign around, right?

But I think telling stories also, like writing your own erotica. Even I have. I had a listener. I remember he called into Sirius few months in, and he said that he decided to write erotic. He wrote out his fantasy that he wanted that he pictured his wife like. It was like, I come home and you're wearing that black sexy thing that you love, and you're lying on the couch and you've got the toys all charged. It was like this beautiful, like, really sexy thing. So he sent it to her, she read it, he came home from work, and she acted out everything like that he said. And then they've been exchanging erotica back and forth. And I'm like, that is so hot. Because sometimes we just want to be. No, like, I want to be told what to do. Like, I'm a submissive in every area of my life. I'm dominant. But tell me what's hot, right? And if I don't agree, I won't do everything. But I just think these are things that we can do at home now, either through talk or the written word or audio. Tell your partner what you want and send it to in a voice memo. Like, there are so many ways.

And, you know, I have another fun game. Another fun game. One more before we go. Yes, I have one more fun game. I don't know if I shared this on one of our previous conversations or not. So you may not be able to do this at a store, but you can do this. So I normally send a couple to a store to do this, but, you know, you may not be shopping right now on, you know, in stores. So you open up. You know, each of you have your computers, and you sit opposite each other, and you fill your carts with sex toys, porn, erotica. Stuff that turns you on that maybe you never felt safe. Safe enough to talk about. Maybe. Okay, show. You switch laptops, and you show each other your shopping cart. Then you each buy three toys from the other person's shopping cart, have it delivered, wipe it down.

Right?

Wipe it down. And that may open up a whole new.

Landscape for you and your partner. And if you're single. Oh, we don't like that word. If you are.

I just made up that I'm, like, single feels so, like, I hate, like, party for one. Like, I love being an independent woman on my own. So I don't know. I want to rebrand everything to do with dating and sex.

But because this is a time, this is the time to buy some new sex toys.

Yeah, I was going to say go to Good vibes. Good Vibes, Calm. But anyway, on my website, sleep sex with emily.com, if you go to our shop page, you've got a bunch of toys there and products while they are still shipping. And I love the idea of you can just buy games, you can buy sex games. Maybe you want a beginner bondage kit, maybe you want some lube and go shopping and exchange carts. The other thing I love right now is making a sexual bucket list where you each write down three things you want to try and you exchange the list and you're like, well, you know, oh, I didn't know that you wanted to be spanked. I've been wanting to spank you. Well, like hooray. Like then you get to do that. Now we just, I think what we're saying is there's so many different ways to facilitate these conversations which it's just so hard people to do on their own just to be like, babe, this is what I want. I want you to spank me. Or I want you to, you know, I don't know what, top dirty to me or I want to use a paddle. Like, we just have such a hard time. So these are just great conversation starters.

And I love that. You know, here's the thing too, about all, everything to do with sex. You know, when people think about coming to a back to the body retreat, you know, some women are saying, well, I'm not broken, I have orgasms. You know, why would I go to a sensuality retreat for women? Well, guess what? Sex with Emily went, you know.

Yeah.

How many well known sex educators have come? And that's because. No, you don't. We have women who've had sexual trauma. We have women who can't find their orgasm. But you sex goddesses out there, there's more.

Well, let me tell you about my experience. I haven't talked, so I. My experience was I. Because I always want to deepen my knowledge of sex and what I can experience and be more embodied. Even though, you know I would do this for 15 years, I always show up wherever I go to learn with a beginner's mind. I mean, think about it. Sex is like, if you're a chef, I believe you're never done learning new recipes. You always learn different ways to cook. One day you might cook for vegan. You cook, you know, you cook like keto, you cook whatever. I feel like sex, the Same thing. So I showed up. I was like, yeah, in the years I've been doing this, I now can have many orgasms. And I know my body pretty well. But what I got out of it, and there's many. This is. We should do part two of this, is that what I learned was, first off, I still have a challenge asking for what I want. I still have moments where I'm like, this doesn't feel good. I want that. So I caught myself caught up with like, oh, my God, I tell people this all the time. And I had to take a moment and be like, wait. That this particular touch didn't feel good. And this is what I want. And I still have this. And it really set me off thinking, like, I'm such a pleaser. And it's so hard for me to think that I'm going to disappoint people. Even somebody who's there to please me, if you're the preference, right? I know is not there. He's not there for his pleasure. I don't see his penis. He's got clothes out. And I'm still worrying about disappointing him. And that is his job. So that was really big for me. I'm like, where else in my life am I not able to say that I want this and not that? The other thing that was really big for me was so I can have pleasure, right? I can have orgasms. I can have multiple orgasms. But what I realized is I would have this incredible experience. I would have an orgasm, and then I'm already onto the next one. I'm on to the next. I'm on to the next. And what I realize is that there's this. What I talked about, my practitioner with Cosmo, is that there's this space in between the orgasm. There is a. A pause. The moment where I rush through to the next thing. I don't have a lot of patience in life. I always want to go to the next. And so learning to be comfortable with space and time and pause was really big for me and to savor. Savor the moment. And. And I. And it was a big awakening for me because I. I do that in every area of my life. Like, I hit a certain goal with work, and I want to go to the next goal. I hit the cert. I have a certain piece of success, and I just want the next thing. And while I intellectually understand that, I'm like, oh, I need more time for integration, I was also doing with the sex, I was doing with orgasm. And I realized that the more I slow down and make time to savor the moment after the orgasm or after pleasure, after something great happens. It's really the moment where things do become more integrated and I'm able to experience more pleasure. And then the next thing is that much more exciting and pleasurable when you are able to slow down and you know, be more present.

And now you add self knowledge with you to your lovers.

Yep, I'm going to bring that to my lovers. Absolutely. And I realized to my life and I also. The other thing I realized there was the reason why it's so hard for me to be present in moments that are pleasureful, that are full of pleasure or pain is an experience growing up of realizing that of attachment. It's like an attachment style that if I get too comfortable in this moment, it's going to end. I'm going to have loss, I'm going to have pain, I'm going to have to feel trauma. And so I'm realizing that's an old pattern and that there's a certain joy to sitting with every emotion, whether it's pleasure or pain.

That's so beautiful. And thank you for sharing that. Because it's vulnerable to share our personal stories. I just think it's just so important.

That women understand and their partners understand that there's always more. That sex obstacles can always be moved. That many women, including all of us, like high powered, well known sex educators. There's always more for us too. There's always more growth. And the more we allow ourselves the time, the space to receive and explore ourselves, the more erotic, the more pleasure and the better we'll get at relationship with ourselves and with others. There's always more. These kinds of programs are there for people who are just figuring themselves out and they're also important for the rock stars of erotic. Of the erotic world.

Well, yeah, I mean it's like. And I still was like learning more about my body too. So I think you're never done. We talked about the pleasure stealing and so I just want to say. Yeah. Thank you Pamela for the. The incredible experience of being on Back to the Body. I look forward to continuing and seeing you more. And I'm so happy that people now I hope they'll check out all of your stuff that you're doing@backtothebody.org and on your Instagram. And I think we should just continue to keep talking. There was so much that I learned. So thank you, Pamela. Incredible work.

Take the moment and register for our Play shop tomorrow because it's free.

It's a free play shop.

It's a free play shop and it's with Courtney and it's so sexy and so fun. And if you are a man or a woman watching alone, you will have a yummy time. And if you're with your partner, I think you'll have a great time too. You'll laugh, you'll giggle, and you'll get excited and then maybe you'll do a little play at home.

Thank you, Emily. Tomorrow night. So they can do it with their partners and watch.

They can do it with their partners. That's so smart.

Okay, everyone should check it out. And also, Pamela, thank you for the organization that you run and all your incredible partners, practitioners, and your staff. It was just a players and it was just so much love. And I feel like I'm really well poised right now to be here in Maui and help the world with all of their stuff because I'm in a very.

We're not stopping. So we're Not Stopping is in June, and there are six more in this calendar year. So hopefully by June. That retreat is, by the way, almost sold out. Women are still buying retreats, planning for their pleasure. And so you can speak to one of our folks. Just go on, get a consultation. We'll help you out during this time of uncertainty. We are staying in with no promise and we will help you. So just, just join us. Emily. Thank you.

Thank you, Pamela.

I love you.

And maybe we should meet up somewhere.

Yeah, let's call me after this. Let's meet up. We're like, okay. All right.

Bye. Bye.

I love you. Bye. Thank you all for listening and supporting the show. That's awesome. And thank you, thank you, thank you to my incredible team for all your hard work. We are still working hard, you guys. We still are working and we're doing it from home. And it's been a lot. So thank you to my amazing team. Ken, Kristin, Alisa, Brian, Robin, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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