Say Goodbye to Awkward Sex

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Emily.

Remember when you're watching porn, they're like putting makeup on the vulvas. They're cheating towards camera. There's like lights. There's all the things that are just. You don't to see a wide variety of vulvas. I mean, honestly. Barry, tell her to Google all vulvas are beautiful. And to see the wide variety of vulvas out there. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. As much as we'd like sex to be seamlessly hot all the time, sometimes it gets a little awkward. Too much teeth during a blow job. An erection that won't last so long. Someone farts. Hey, it happens. And when it does, it can seriously derail the mood. But does it have to? I'm of the opinion that if we know how to respond during moments like these, with compassion, collaboration, and sometimes a sense of humor, an erotic moment doesn't have to come to an abrupt halt. So on today's show, I'm taking the point of view of someone who didn't do the awkward thing, they witnessed it. And by the end you'll know how to hold space, how to handle situations like these and not shame the person on the other side. So hey, you can keep the party going and continue having fantastic sex intentions with Emily for each episode. Let's start off by setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to help you strengthen your nervous system. So much of our ability to experience pleasure is based on our nervous system response, which is a fancy way of talking about fight or flight. If you know how to listen carefully, how to remain calm and peaceful, you've got way more capacity for eroticism. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, how to Master Lotus Position is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com askemily all right everyone. Enjoy this episode.

All right everyone, I'm about to dive into all your awkward sex questions. But in our everlasting goal to be better lovers, I share my top three tips right off the bat so you can listen for these things as I'm answering questions. All right, let's do this. Oh, I also want to remind you that talking about sex is hard, which is why I get very, very specific about how to have the sex talks. This is not easy. Our partners are going to be on the defensive and keep these tips in mind. Awkward sex tip number one. Please try not to take things too personally. I get it. This one's tough, especially when we're talking about something like erectile dysfunction when we can go into self blame mode. Are they not attracted to me? Did I turn them off? Is that why they're not hard anymore? Trust me, it's not you. This person you're with is either nervous or there's an underlying health issue. By staying present and collaborative, you'll help them relax and help their fight or flight response relax too. That's one of the biggest reasons behind ed. The blood in the penis is flowing away to other parts of the body because they're a little scared. This is normal. It's human. By staying calm, you'll help them feel comfortable again. And hey, when we're comfortable, it's easier to get aroused and stay aroused. Oh. This example also goes for our vulva owning partners. If you're with a vulva owner and you're wondering why isn't she having orgasms? Why is she not getting wet? And maybe you blame yourself and you think, oh God, there's something wrong with my penis. I'm not giving her enough pleasure, she'd be a lot wetter and she'd have more orgasms. So just remember, if we turn our attention towards our partners and try to be collaborative and help them in a more thoughtful way, really listening and supporting them and take all the attention of off blaming ourselves, we're way more likely not to take it personally and truly supporting our partner to to finding the best sex solutions there are for every situation. Awkward sex tip number two, Remind yourself that sex is a skill. It's not something anyone was born knowing. For example, if your partner is giving you oral and you feel just ouchy teeth, that's a teachable moment right there. Use that as an opportunity to ask for a different technique framed in terms of what you like, not in terms of hey, this is the right way to do it. You, you can say something like, hey, could we experiment a little? Could you pull your lips over your teeth like you're sucking on a popsicle? I love it like that. It turns me on so much.

Problem solved. Awkward sex tip number three, repeat after me. Compassion, collaboration, curiosity. These three qualities can get you out of any awkward sex bind. As can a little bit of humor when it's appropriate. Let's take it back to erectile dysfunction and I'll give you an example. Okay. Say you're with a penis owner and they lose their erection. If we responded with shame, it might sound like, ew, gross. I can't believe this is happening right now. Like, what's your problem?

That's not going to go down over well. But if we respond with compassion, collaboration, curiosity, we can say something like, that's totally okay. Why don't we try something different? I love all sorts of things during sex. What are you into? Isn't that so much better? Doesn't it just calm you? Doesn't it make you want to work towards a solution with your partner? Doesn't that take out some of the shame? The last thing I'll say is this. If you love sex as much as I do, I also want to encourage you to make breath work or meditation, or better yet, both a regular part of your life. This will go a long way towards strengthening your nervous system. So that when moments like these Come up. Your brain doesn't freak out, which is really what's happening. We go, oh, God, I can't believe I farted. Oh, my penis. Oh, I'm not orgasming. And then we're, like, in this mind mode. Click, click, click. But if you. If you trained yourself through breath, work, and meditation to remain calm, you can stay present and erotic. Before I recorded this show, I needed to ask my Instagram audience, and Instagram is sex with Emily. What is your most awkward sex mishap? Just to get the party started here, just to get us in the mood. And here's what you said. Getting drunk and not being able to keep it up. Climaxing so hard, I farted. God, to me, that sounds like a win. Jaws locked up. Giving a blowjob. Couldn't get it unstuck for, like, two minutes. Drool was everywhere. Losing a cot in my vagina and having my partner fish it out.

Been there.

Used my teeth to try to pull off my wife's panties over and accidentally bit her labia hard. Throwing up while giving a blowjob. Was allergic to her real cat. Snot poured down on her face while she was sucking my penis. I was going down to my ex wife, and right as my tongue touched her clit, she farted. Lots of farting. Guys, we're just gonna laugh off the farts. It is not a death sentence to your sex life. I'm just saying. I got gum stuck on my now husband's penis during oral. Okay, I've done that. I used to be addicted to chewing gum, and I've. I've done that as well. I'm just telling y', all, poop on a butt plug was embarrassing. But we recovered rather quickly during a sexy hand job. I finished and semen got on both of our faces, made a girl squirt, and she started crying because she thought she peed on me. Oh, I can't wait for the day that women just start laughing and celebrating because they squirt. Who cares if it's pee? Who cares? Why is if it's pee that's gonna stop you? What if, like, oh, my God, I had this amazing release? Ah. Everyone, let's just celebrate the messiness of sex, okay? And another one is candle caught a pillow on fire. I think I lit my phone on fire once during sex. And finally, my partner offered me conditioner to use as lube. Hey, I'm glad that you know that's funny, because, no, you shouldn't put conditioner inside of your vagina. But hey, I'm glad He was thinking of lube, but let's just make sure it's lube that's actually meant for sex, not lubrication for your hair. All right, guys, I think that all makes sex fun, right? These are all things that we can reframe all of them, which we're going to do in the episode. This stuff is going to be less awkward and more satisfying, I promise. Now we're on to your questions. This is from Jules, 27, in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily. First of all, I love your platform and less about sex, but I listen because of your positivity and energy while empowering and normalizing sex. My question is the inevitable sex situation that seems to happen. No matter how confident and sexy you are, it's still awkward. How do you A, prevent or B, play off queefing? Can we normalize that? Eek. Okay, Jules, let's just talk about queefing for a minute. What is queefing? It's just the result of a trapped pocket of air getting pushed out of your vagina. That's all it is. Usually it comes from someone using their finger, you know, aggressively, or having a toy inside of you or a penis. And that's what it is. It's not a fart. It doesn't smell. It's just a noise that sounds like farting. And we just think farting is the worst thing that ever happens, could ever happen during sex. So that's all that it is. How you deal with it is you just keep going. To me, it's like a compliment. Like, there's air going on, there's things happening. My body's making noise. Like, let's just reframe noises during sex. I feel like the more noises and the more mess. You should get a gold star. Like, that means that we are really getting into it. We are letting go. We are making noises and having fun. So number one, ignore it. Or number two, just smile, laugh, and keep going with your moaning and feeling good. I don't know about you, but when there's been noises that have come out of my body during sex, it typically means that I am in the moment and there's something great happening and I'm feeling good. So can we just all agree. Let's all just make a virtual handshake right now. Just take a moment and say, it could be a pledge and say, I promise to never shame myself or others when noises emit from their body parts. Can we just do that? Like, let it go, smile, laugh, and then just keep going. I hear from so many of you that are horrified. They're horrified. I can't believe I farted. I can't believe I queefed. I can't believe I like you're with this person. You're being so intimate with them and so what noises happen. So again, this is a practice because we're told, I think when we're younger or growing up. Oh God, if that ever happens, I'd be devastated. I'm telling you from someone who has years under my belt here of having sex and awkward things happening, you just smile and keep going. Thanks for your question, Jules. This is from Philip and I want to say I'm going to answer Philip's question, but please, when you send me your questions always include your age and where you live. It's just really helpful for me. Hey Dr. Emily, I've listened to your podcast and I really like it. I thought maybe you'd have a tip or two for my little problem. I have. So I started dating a new girl and the first time we had sex I was nervous and couldn't maintain my erection. Now I keep being nervous because that happened and it keeps happening that hasn't happened before. And when masturbating, I didn't have any trouble because she's a three year old kid. We didn't have much opportunity to take things slow and we would like to put less pressure on sex. And I'm wondering if you have any tips for me. Thank you. Well, you explained this perfectly well, Philip. This is a really common experience, whether we're talking about erectile dysfunction, meaning you lose your erection, or premature ejaculation, meaning you get to the finish line before you want to. These can all be based on one time it happening and then you're so nervous it's going to happen again that you keep repeating it over and over and over again. So what happens is your fight or flight response is probably turned on, causing blood to flow away from your penis. So work on calming yourself, calming your nervous system. Deep, deep breaths before and during sex. Like deep breaths, like you're breathing deep into your pelvic floor. This is a practice that helps with so much, helps with anxiety. It helps us ground us in the moment. And you can also try other things. There are many, many ways to have sex. Sex isn't just about penetration. And maybe you just need to get more comfortable with her. You know, a lot of this awkward stuff happens in the beginning. And the reason why it perpetuates that it happens for years and years and years in relationships is because we never Talk about it. So one of my first tips here is to when you are experiencing this and you feel like it happens again, let's just say it's going to happen. Turn all the attention towards her. Maybe you can go down on her, give her a massage. I'm telling you, you're going to find something really cool happens when you focus all your attention on giving. When you focus on giving, your attention is no longer on your penis. It's no longer on how you up your performance. And you just might find that, wow, look at here. Your erection comes back and that happens more often than not. I also have a great article on my site, what it really means when you can't stay hard. You might want to read that for a little bit more information. But, you know, a lot of it has to do with blood flow, but a lot of it is also psychological. And I think that's a really important thing to look at that. Like I said, you can kind of learn to work on your anxiety and emotions. There are some physiological reasons for ed, and those are heart disease, smoking or drinking too much, diabetes, high blood pressure. There could be certain medications. You could have high cholesterol. I mean, I know that is a really long list. So what you can do is just make sure that you're healthy and that you're exercising regularly. You know, you could use a penis ring. You can also talk to your doctor. You get your hormones tested and your blood work tested. I think it will be very helpful for you to learn how to manage your anxiety. But I've also given you these other physiological reasons that could be a part of it just so you can get checked out and see what that is. But it sounds to me like this hasn't happened before to you, and so it could just be circumstantial. And let's just say that it is. I'm feeling good about it. So focus on her and see what happens. You might just be saying hello to your erection sooner than you think. All right, this is from Timmy 27 in Arizona. Hey, Dr. Emily. My wife says she has trouble coming to orgasm if she gets too wet. Therefore, there's not really much foreplay, which I love. She typically just wants to jump right into it. Is there anything we can do to fix it? Thanks so much. I love your show. Okay, so it sounds like there's two different issues going on here. A, there's not enough foreplay for you, but B, she has difficulty orgasming when she gets too wet. Now let's talk about wetness for a minute. So the vagina and the vulva, they're like finely tuned engines. So the fluids that we are produced keep it all running smoothly. Some things that can really impact the delicate ecosystem of our vagina is medications we're taking. If you're wearing synthetic underwear, you might have something like bacterial vaginosis. It could be stress. There's a lot of things that are going to impact our ph, balance our wetness level, all the things. Birth control pills could also have an impact on her wetness level. But let's just talk about wetness for a moment here. There are two glands that produce lubrication. There's the Bartholian glands, and these are found on each side of the entrance to the vagina. And then there's the Skene glands, and those are found closer to the urethra. And all you need to know here is that the lubrication comes from vaginal mucus and vaginal sweating, which I know that doesn't sound sexy, but that's the technical term for it. Your vagina can sweat. So if it's really wet and there's problems with it, she could always go get checked out by her general practitioner or gynecologist. But I want you to remember that everybody is different. We're all going to produce different amounts of lubrication. And it's important to communicate with your partner about all of these things. So if she's saying to you. Because you're also wanting some foreplay here, Timmy, I get that. And she's saying she gets really wet, and that's kind of preventing her from receiving foreplay and going deeper. So it might help for you guys to try out different positions, different angles, changing the sensations and the depth. There's certain positions you can do that can create more friction. Like during penetrative positions, if she keeps her legs tight together tighter, then this can create more friction. When people get too wet during sex. When I hear from vulva owners, just have a towel by the bed. Like, literally, if you have to pick up a towel every five minutes and just wipe it down, do that. And then you put it back on the ground and you pick it up again, communicating about it and just saying, hey, this wet thing's happening, happening again. I'm really wet. Let's just have systems in place. We're going to talk about positions that we're going to do. We're going to have a towel nearby and finding positions that work for you. Now, something else I've been told works is if she's really, really wet and it becomes a problem with her really experiencing pleasure. She can't take an antihistamine. That would help dry up extra lubrication. I mean, think about it. If your nose is running, you take an antihistamine. And if your vagina is producing a lot of wetness, it's the same thing. But I don't know. I don't love suggesting medication for these kind of things. A few other things, you can also use toys. If you add some toys to the mix, that can also help enhance stimulation. You could wear a penis ring around your penis and that might also help with some, allowing her to feel more sensations and for you to feel some more sensations. Here's another tip. You can also put a menstrual sea sponge inside of your vagina before for intercourse. Now she can do this and it will soak up much of the lubrication. You just need long fingers to kind of get it out afterwards. And you just gotta read about it online. Now another thing you can do is you could try using a condom, which also adds more friction. I also think that pelvic floor exercises are helpful for all of us, especially for vulva owners. Those are the muscles that you clench and relax, you know, when you're. They're like your pee stopping muscles. And so these are like at the entrance to the vagina. And so the more that you strengthen them, it will also help you feel more during sex. It will help both of you feel more during sex because they'll help enhance her orgasm. And she can also use them to clench and tighten around your penis. These are some tips here for the wetness. But I think that really it's important to have a conversation with her outside the bedroom and say, hey, I've learned some things that we could do to kind of make sure that we're both getting our needs met. Would you be into it? And again, you want to make sure, like, I think it's hot that you get wet. I think it's really great. I love turning you on all these things. I'm not about one partner being the one to solve everything in the relationship. So if you bring your partner on board for it, then you're both in it together. And just incredible, pleasurable sex for both of you is right around the corner. This is from Emily, 38, in London. Hey, Dr. Emily. I love your show so much and would appreciate your advice. I'm currently dating a guy with a large penis who especially likes oral sex. I like it too, but don't have so much experience. And when I Tried putting him in my mouth. I heard him with my teeth, because my mouth is also quite small. I'd like to try again, but I feel nervous. What should I do? Thank you so much. All right, Emily. Well, here's the thing. It probably might have been a shock to you. Maybe you haven't had as much experience, and you have a little mouth. He's got a big penis. So let's just talk about working around here. Some workarounds here. First, make sure that your lips are covering your teeth so you kind of like. Like some. Like a. Like somebody without teeth, right? Like you can't see what I'm doing here, but I'm pursing my lips and my lower lip around my teeth. And. And you really want to make sure that you are in that position going into it. So you're just keeping your teeth away from the penis. But I get it. It's really large. That can be hard to do. Maybe you already tried that, and you're like, I couldn't get it in my mouth with the extra lippage in there. The important thing to know is that when it is a very large penis, that oral sex isn't just about your mouth. I'm going to repeat that again. Oral sex, not just about your mouth, your mouth skills. There's a lot of different things you can do. Remember, practice using your mouth and your tongue. You can use your mouth for a minute and then your tongue. You want to flick and lick the shaft, the tip, the frenulum, which is the underside of the penis, where the shaft meets the head. That's the most sensitive part for many penis owners. So if you lick that and you are, like, using your mouth and your tongue, and also you want to use your hands. Your hands are your best friend when performing oral on a penis. And it doesn't have to. Again, just be about the mouth. No matter what the size of the penis, you want to get your hands involved. Hell, use both hands. And this way you can twist, you can grip, you can tickle. And always, always, always use lots and lots of lube. I don't even try to get enough saliva in my mouth anymore. I just always have a lube on my nightstand in a pump bottle ready to go. So it's about using your hands. It's about using your mouth and your tongue and also going back to your hands for a minute. You don't have to put both hands on the shaft. How about his testicles? Does he like the sensation of you playing with them, holding them in your hand? Or maybe Stimulating with your fingers or your mouth because, you know, they just. They're right there beneath the shaft. And maybe those would be fun to play with as well. Finally, your position is so important, you're going to need leverage here for a larger penis. So make sure you find a position where you can be in control of the depth and the speed and the technique. So you might want to be sitting up and, like, kneeling between his legs. You know, you might need some pillows to get some leverage. Maybe he's sitting on a chair or on the couch and you come in next to him. I really like the couch for sex because there's some more leverage you can have. Like, the back of the couch is, like, leaning against the wall. There's also the armrests are fun, too. I don't know, I just think it can be fun to play around. And it's not in the bedroom. And the bed sometimes isn't so great for some of these sex positions. But imagine if he's sitting up and you're, like, sitting next to him or you're straddling him. There just could be some great workarounds there for you to give him the most pleasure. And also talk to him. Talk to him outside the bedroom. Tell. Ask him what feels good. Tell him you can't wait. You've been thinking about going down again, and you can't wait. And you want to know, are there any things that he really likes? Oh, bonus. Use a vibrator. That's another thing. And it doesn't have to be a special vibrator. It could be the one that you have. It could be a clitoral vibrator. Vibrations feel good on all body parts. I'm just going to say that on every show for the rest of my life, vibrations feel good on all body parts. Now he might need a lower setting on the vibe. I tend to vibe myself on a higher setting than I do my partners. I tend to put on a lower setting and then I use that to, like, tease and tickle their. Their balls, their shaft, their tip. And I'm telling you, it's been a real crowd pleaser for many a partner. Have fun with it, Emily. I understand the stress here, but there's some new techniques that you can take into the bedroom and let me know how it goes. Thanks, Emily.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break, but stick around. When we return, I'm digging into all of your email questions.

This is from Barry, and He writes, Dear Dr. Emily, my girlfriend hates the way her vulva looks. She's a mildly prominent inner labia, and she won't even let me see it in the light. I think her insecurities around this are hurting her ability to orgasm. When we fool around, she can orgasm while masturbating, which we like to do together, but I can't get her there when I try, even with a vibrator. I certainly don't have any problem with her labia, but she wants a labiaplasty surgery. I just want her to love herself the way she is. Do you have any suggestions on how I can make her feel as beautiful as I see her? Thanks so much, Dr. Emily. I've loved your show since I learned about you on Loveline. Oh, I love doing Loveline with my friends Dr. Drew and Mike. Thank you, Barry, for your question, and I'm glad you are here with me at Sex with Emily. All right, so sounds like your girlfriend has labia body dysmorphia. So I think this has been happening way more since we've had porn available in our pockets on our smartphones. People were not asking me this question before. Porn was everywhere. And all you see is a slit of a vulva in porn. And remember, when you're watching porn, just side note, they're like, putting makeup on the vulvas. They're cheating towards camera. There's, like, lights. There's all the things that are just. You don't get to see a wide variety of vulvas. I mean, honestly, Barry, tell her to Google all vulvas are beautiful and to see the wide variety of vulvas out there and encouraging her, you know, and telling her you think it's beautiful. And maybe next time, if she does let you go down on her and you can just tell her the whole time how beautiful she is, how much you love it, how much it turns you on. I think that that goes a long way. And we just got to get her to open up her legs to you, you know, I really don't want her to get labiaplasty. It is so not necessary. In fact, the only time it's really necessary to get a labiaplasty is when the labias are really too. Like, they hurt. Like they're stay. Hang really, really low or. I remember there was a doctor on my show telling me that there was a woman, she's a professional swimmer, and she would swim and, like, it would come out of her underwear when she was trying to swim, and it made it harder for her to do her sport. So unless it's, like, getting in the way usually just insecurities that we have. Cause somebody loved to build up all of our insecurities. We don't love to do it, but we can't help to do it. And I just think the more she can get into her body, you let her know how beautiful is. And Googling, like when I first saw these vulva galleries, there's one also on Instagram called like the vulva gallery. And you literally see they are all so different. It's like our own. They're like snowflakes. It's our own. Personal fingerprints are our vulvas. There's no right or wrong vulva. And what I love that you're saying is she's able to have orgasms. She masturbates, she feels good in her body. It's just this trick. So it's just this one little thing. So the more we can use all the ways that we talk about affirmations, she wants to write those every morning. My body is beautiful, My labia is strong and allows me to have pleasure. You know, that helps looking in the mirror and just allowing you to, you know, pleasure her really might allow her to realize that this vulva and her body is here to serve her and to give her pleasure and to feel good. And the only thing that's stopping her is her thoughts that are not making her feel good. What's wrong with that? We gotta change that around. So thank you so much for your question, Barry. You sound like a very loving and supportive partner. This is from Tati, 26 in Illinois. Hi, Dr. Emily. Thank you for such a great and intentional show. I have a friends with benefits boundary question. I've been sleeping with a friend of mine for a few weeks. He's a nice guy and we're set on combating the orgasm gap every time we get together. And our communication is also pretty good. There's one hiccup. The man's house is dirty. I am 26, I live alone. I'd like to maintain my home clean and orderly. He's 30 and I couldn't tell you when he last scrubbed his tub. The state of his home is a turnoff in and out of the bedroom. Please note he has great personal hygiene and is well groomed, so that's not a problem. I'm not comfortable what I go over and I'm dying to clean it. Some of my hangups are also tied to my asexuality. I'm a queer woman and he's the first CIS straight man I've had a sexual relationship with in years. I feel like it bothers me in a kind of structural gender role level that he won't clean. I mean, I've never broached a subject as I'm not sure what a good boundary is here. Don't want to be rude. I also don't want to overstep. Am I violating FWB code and merging into some girlfriend territory by bringing it up? Is it too much to ask for him to clean the toilet? And do you have any advice about navigating what I feel is such a heteronormative request, I. E. A woman asking a man to clean up after himself? I don't think I want to sleep with a man who cannot maintain a tidy home. As unfortunate it would be to see the sex go, I would be willing to end things over this. It's such a turn off. Thanks again for all the care and attention you invest into this show. Now, I understand this. A dirty house is a turn off. I don't care about your gender at all. I mean, maybe it's heteronormative, but it's not unreasonable. I've dated a guy and his house was so dirty, and I was like, I can't go over there. I just need to. And I remember telling about it and he got really insulted because I probably. I probably said it. In a way, it's like, you really have to clean your house. There's like a. An inch of dirt. Because I'm not always perfect, you guys. I remember putting my hand going, there's a lot of dirt everywhere. So you are not alone. But listen, sometimes my house isn't clean either. And there might have been some men in my past who were like, really, Emily? So again, I would. I think this part of it, while I understand where you're coming from, I think it's less about gender and more about just, we're inviting someone over to our house. Let's do the best we can to wipe off the toilets, vacuum, put some things away, and especially if they're in your bed. Like, clean the sheets, wipe off the nightstands. Just take 20 minutes to judge before someone comes over. I just want to say that right now. I think this is actually going to be really great for people. Like, go take a look at your bedroom. Take a look at your house right now. Do you want a lover to come over and see the space?

Now?

Sometimes our dirt is so close to us that we don't even. We didn't even realize it. We're like, oh, yeah, I guess it's Pretty bad. So I don't think this is going to be such an so offensive to him. Maybe no one's ever made the request. Maybe he doesn't really realize how dirty it is. You know, it's funny because the ex that I'm referring to and we're still very good friends, he got really upset that I, you know, about his house being dirty. And then he finally got a house cleaner because he didn't have time. And then I know he was with another woman after me and they broke up. He's like, Emily, you are much nicer. She told me that my house was disgusting and she was, she was a lot more aggressive with him and he finally like moved and cleaned the place. So all I'm saying is sometimes we need to. It's like you're doing him a favor. You're just a friend with benefits. Maybe eventually if he's looking for a long term partner, this is going to serve him well in every area of my, of his life. And it's probably going to help his mood as well. It's probably going to help his confidence level as well. So you want to know how to approach it? I'm going to give you my timing, tone and turf outside the bedroom. Your tone is light and curious and helpful. And the timing is when you are just hanging out, chilling in a good space. So maybe it's the next time you go on a date or you, you're hanging out, having conversations, say hey. Or maybe you guys talk on the phone a lot. There's something I want to talk to you about and you can even be honest with them. It's something that I haven't really dealt with before. And I don't want this to come across as rude or I'm trying to control you or anything at all. But I'm a very neat and tidy person and every area of my life is neat, clean and I have a hard time going to friends house, whether it's friends or lovers, when it's not that neat. There's a few things that I really need to feel aroused and be connected with a partner. We've got so many of those going on. I really trust you. I find you super sexy. You're such a turn on. I like having conversations with you. So I need to feel attracted to someone physically. I need to feel intellectually connected to them. I need to trust them. But another thing which is kind of one of my things is I really need to be in an environment that feels clean. My house is really clean. I know maybe you Got a lot going on, but your house seems less so. And I don't want to offend you in any way. This is a hard thing to say to you because I care about you, but I'm wondering how it might feel to you to kind of maybe wipe down the toilet or scrub the tub or change the sheets before I come over. How does that sound to you? Is that something you'd be willing to do? Would you be willing to kind of clean up a little bit before I come over? Because I love to continue to have this awesome sex that we're having and this wonderful connection, but if it's not something you're willing to do, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to continue with this much longer. So that's what I recommend. I don't know if I was someone and my partner said that to me at first, I might feel like, oh, gosh, I guess it is pretty, or what are you saying? And people get defensive. But if I really thought about it, I'm like, really? You just want me to wipe off the tub? You want me to wash the sheets so we can continue to have hot sex? I'm in. So let's hope that your FWB is down with the plan. I'd love to know how it goes, Tati. So stay in touch. This is from Amanda, 23, in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been with my partner for over four years now. He's a fun, loving, go with the flow, silly kind of guy. I, on the other hand, tend to be the more uptight, serious one in the relationship. I find that this contrast in our personalities has mostly been great and beneficial to both of us. I help him get serious when he needs to, and he reminds me that not everything in life has to be so serious. I love him to death and we have lots of fun together. I do have one issue that I've tried talking to him about for years now and have seen no progress. When I'm upset or dealing with something important, his instant response is sarcasm. I've told him how it makes me feel, like he thinks I'm overacting, but his response is always, well, that's just what my family's like. We're all always sarcastic. While I can appreciate his sarcasm in most circumstances, my stress and emotions are not one of them. Furthermore, he rarely initiates sex, and when he does, he's overly silly and sarcastic and it just turns me off completely. Even when I initiate sex, his response is sarcasm and silliness. It makes me Feel like he doesn't want to connect with me and like sex isn't important to him. I've tried communicating with him about how this impacts me emotionally and sexually, but I just can't seem to get him to understand its impact. I'd really appreciate some advice on communicating this with him. Oh, Amanda, this is such a great question and really, really common. I think that we all have coping mechanisms. Sarcasm around emotions, sarcasm around sex. How to ask for more sincerity. Sarcasm is probably a defense mechanism against being vulnerable. Really what this is about is him learning that it's safe to not make a joke because sarcasm has its place. And for him it's been this coping mechanism, a go to behavior, a way to deal with any complicated emotions. Make a joke. At least he has an awareness to know, like, this is what my family does. And I'm assuming that you're both in your early 20s. So he only left his home a few years ago. Unless he still lives at home, which is fine too. But if he does, he's very aware that no one in my family talks about motions and we're really funny and jokey and sarcastic, but emotions are no go. I mean, think about it. And you've know his family, they probably all sat around making jokes, pushing big scary emotions down deep. So this might be the first time he's seeing this defense mechanism, coping mechanism not working. So if you really love this guy, and it sounds like you do, it's going to take some time. Will you let him know again, outside the bedroom, talking to him about this and say, listen, I know I've brought this up to you before and I know it feels like I'm controlling or it's not a big deal, or this is just how you are, but I want to tell you how it makes me feel. Now first, I know you're not doing this on purpose. I know this is a. A habit, because really it's a habit. He doesn't even realize he's doing it. He just makes a joke when something's uncomfortable happens. And you can give him examples. Like if you can have three examples, like the time that I initiated sex and you started being silly about it, or the time that I told you about my work day that was stressful and you made this joke. Like sometimes they need to know examples and just say in those moments, I really think that we can work together on this because I hear what you're saying. I understand that it's a habit. I understand your family does it, but how it makes me feel is it makes Me want to shut down. It makes me feel discounted. It makes me feel like I'm not important to you, and it makes me feel like you don't care. It makes me feel like I can't share things with you, and it makes you shut down sexually. Like, I don't know, if I was your partner, I'd want to listen there. You're going to have to reinforce and say, I know you're not doing this on purpose. I know that this is something that's so foreign to you, and I love that you realize that it's part of your family's patterns. Because remember, all of us, if we grew up with a family, we are our family. We are doing the same things that they did now, for better or for worse. There's some wonderful things we all learn from our families, and. But there's some other things where we just didn't have a choice. We were literally animals being raised in a kingdom by these parents or by these siblings. And we are all watching each other doing the same things over and over and over again, which is why family feels so comfy, cozy. But it doesn't necessarily mean that it's helping us. So I would let him know that it's going to take him some time and you're willing to work with him. You could create, like, a special word, you know, like a safe word, and you could say like, or a safe action. You could say, babe, would you be open the next time this happens that I say, there's that joke again, or I reach out and grab your hand and look at you in the eyes? You know, is there an action or a. A funny thing that you could do that would get him to reset and look in the moment and say, oh, I'm doing it again. Because the only way we change behavior is if we're accountable. And we keep trying and trying and trying. Like me not saying like, or me not saying I'm sorry. I've had to really train myself just to not say it reactively. And sometimes I say, I'm sorry, and I go, I'm not sorry. And that could be a really weird thing for people to listen to. But changing our behaviors is not easy. So tell him that you're willing to work with him, because I can only imagine that this is not something that he wants to continue for the rest of his life. So you guys are young. You can change your behaviors at any time. Now, let's also talk about initiating sex. Remember, your partner not initiating sex is also a way to protect himself from Being vulnerable. When he doesn't initiate sex, there's no risk in being rejected by you. There's no risk. He's not putting himself out there. So again, this is something he's have to learn. If he's never initiating, show him what you would like when you're sharing something emotional. Show him how you'd like him to initiate sex. You just have to guide him here. Now, you can also bring up that the last time you initiated or when you initiate, he makes jokes and it's silly. So the next time he does that, you can look at him and say, okay, this is one of those moments. And maybe if you guys learn to breathe together like a five deep breaths and five, like look into each other's eyes for a few seconds, that's a real grounding experience that will allow him to get out of his head and maybe start feeling what's really going on in his emotions for the first time. Therapy also a great way to do this. If it's something that he's very resistant to, he could always go see a therapist because, I don't know, maybe a lot of these jokes and a lot of these emotional behaviors are to protect him from some really deep, troubling things that might have happened his childhood. So let's see how this goes. You sound like a really loving partner, and I'm sure that he wants to please you and be in this relationship as well. So do your best here and let me know how it goes. This is from Elisa, 29, in Canada. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm a vulva owner and I struggle with giving myself permission to be loud during sex. Not because of my partner, but from a fear of being disruptive, surveyed, or overheard by other CIS men. It sounds ridiculous even when I type it out. This fear of surveillance then leads me to not feeling safe, which then makes it hard to relax and experience my full spectrum of pleasure. I know this is partially due to the sexual trauma I've experienced in my life and also wrapped up in shame connected to the patriarchy. But my millennial life has always required me to live in close proximity to others, whether it's apartment buildings, levels of a house, et cetera. I want to be able to engage with my full sexual self, even if I know someone can hear me through the wall or the floor below. How do I begin to let this go and allow myself to take up sexual space? Oh, Elisa, I'm so glad you're asking this question, because let me just remind everybody, research has found that the more noise people make during Sex, the less inhibited they are. In the bedroom, there is a direct correlation between increasing moans, lowering inhibitions, and enhancing arousal. Plus, an authentic moan will naturally open our throats and deepen our breath, which, guess what, leads to more powerful orgasm. And it truly maximizes your power. And that power, like, in a it's so empowering type of way. Although that's part of it. Rather, we're talking about how sound can intensify the event of being sexual. Whether you're partnered or solo, it intensifies everything. It definitely intensifies your pleasure. Also, vocalizing during sex can make a partnered experience way more intimate because it's signaling pleasure, which, guess what that does then. It boosts confidence in a partner's performance. Think of it like positive reinforcement. Are sex noises as a form of copulatory communication and the most direct way to let our partners know that what they're doing feels so good? I mean, really, nothing says, like, that's the spot. Like an authentic moan of approval, Especially in those moments when the blood is rushing away from our head and towards our genitals. The more you learn to feel comfortable with your authentic noise that you make during sex, the more pleasure you're going to have. Breath also helps, too. I just want to remember that when you breathe deeply, that also helps to relax your pelvic floor muscles, which are responsible for orgasm. And if you're worried about volume control, let's talk about that. You can use a pillow. Like, you can put a pillow over your face in a very. In a way that's not covering your. Your entire face, but just your mouth so you can still breathe through your nose. That could help muffle out the sound. You could also get creative, just soundproof your space. Just think thick drapery area rugs. There's actually some rugs right now that they're selling that are just made for soundproofing. Put a thick pad under the rugs. Tons of throw pillows. Tons of throw pillows. Even acoustic panels. My studio where I used to record the show, there was a street right below, and you never heard the traffic because we had really thick acoustic panels. The security of knowing that you have soundproofed your space and made it your own will allow you to create the environment that you need that helps you feel safe to express all of your sex noises and your sexual pleasure, because that's just really hot. And I'm telling you, I used to. I don't know when it happened over the years, but I'm pretty loud during sex. I've talked about that in the show before, and I literally love it. I don't even ask. I don't even mind. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm loud. Here's a new partner. It's literally become a part of me. I can't have sex without being loud and making my noises because it just feels like I'm restricting myself. Which is why I love, love, love what you said here. And you know this, Elisa, you know, I'm going to quote you here, Elisa, you said that it's hard to relax and experience my full spectrum of pleasure. Well, I want everyone to think about, how are you restricting your full spectrum of pleasure? What are you doing that's holding yourself back right now from having the pleasure and the sex life that you deserve? Let's remove those barriers. I'm here for you. Jocelyn, 33, in Pennsylvania. Hey, Dr. Emily. Me and my boyfriend have sex with all the time, but he jerks off all the time. I feel like he likes it more than having sex with me. One time, he jerked off an hour after us having sex. He jerks off to porn or video or people or my messenger. What do I do? I don't even know how to feel about it. Does he do it because he's bored? All right, Jocelyn, sounds like we need to do some more education here and a little bit more conversation with your partner. Now, typically, people masturbate because it's part of being sexually healthy. Having a healthy masturbation practice for all genders is crucial to you being a great lover to yourself and others. Now, I was right with you, Jocelyn. I had a boyfriend in my 20s that when I found out he masturbated all the time and watched porn, I was horrified. I was like, but I don't look like her. And we keep talking about how we're having the best sex of our lives. Why do you need to masturbate? And I think this is the hump that a lot of us need to get past. I'm trying to educate you and let you know that masturbation is healthy. Jocelyn, I hope that you're still masturbating. Let me acknowledge that there can be problems with masturbation. There can be a reliance on masturbation where you do it all the time in ways that you don't even want to, but you can't help it because you want that stress relief. And you can't stop masturbating because you're distracting yourself or you're. You're trying to have to think about other things. And it's a self Soothing behavior and some would call it an addiction. I'm not going to label it. I'm just going to say if there is a consequence in your masturbation, then you got to take a look at that. Maybe there's a problem with it if you can no longer get aroused with a partner, if it's impacting your ability to work, there's a lot of ways that it has consequences. But let's talk about this Jocelyn for a second. Now, I want you to know that your partner is not masturbating because he's not into you. In fact, sex begets sex. So it makes sense. The more sex you're having, the more he's going to want to masturbate. We say we have sex all the time, but I haven't heard, is this quality sex? Are you having your needs met? Do you like the sex you're having? Does he like the sex you're having? Have you guys ever had a conversation about your sex life, about your desires, about your turn ons, about what you're both into, what you both like, what you want to do, what your fantasies are, you know, because I think if you go after him, you say, what's all the masturbation? You know, I realize you're masturbating right away and I think that's terrible. And da, da, da, da, he's gonna shut down. Remember when we go after our partners, criticizing them for something like that, for especially an intimate act like masturbation, he's just gonna shut down, push you away. But I think getting curious and saying, you know, I've thought about it and I know that masturbation is part of being sexually healthy. I've had to learn this, but sometimes it just makes me feel less desired. And like I, I really wanna get past that, but I wanna understand, like, I thought it might help if we talk about our sex life. I'd love to know what are the three most memorable times we've had sex? And think about the three most memorable times you, you think that you've had sex as well. What are your biggest turn ons? Is there anything new we can try in the bedroom? You know, I want to know about your pleasure as well here, Jocelyn. And are you again, are you getting your needs met? And I think the more couples talk about sex, about pleasure and what they want in the bedroom, the less you're going to let these external things like him masturbating and doing other things take you out of the moment and have you worrying so much about it. So I think that the more you can upgrade your sex talks, figure out what you how you're both really into each other and what you want and less focus on the masturbation and more on how you can grow and learn and evolve together. We'll serve you both really well. Thanks Jocelyn.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 551-That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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