Seduce Yourself: Solo Sex Tips

Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career and I know she's gonna have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise, you know how to manage a team, you can collaborate and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video and also familiar with the content because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobsexwithemily.com we'd love to have you join our growing team and we have a good time over here. Thank you.

But the reason why a lot of guys don't like oral is because they don't really know what they're doing because they haven't been with a partner who either enjoyed receiving it or actually knew how to articulate what they want. So if you can make this like a shared experience, Lydia, with your boyfriend and just be like, hey, I'm excited to be exploring together and learning new things. Let's start with learning about my body together. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's the season of love. Self love. That's right. This Valentine's Day, I've got all you singles covered. In today's best of episode, you'll learn the health benefits of self pleasure and how it helps you not only reduce stress stress but elevate your mood. It's also a gateway to understanding your body, boosting your self esteem, and giving you some serious pleasure. I also answer your questions about how to try masturbation when you never have, which sex toys to use, and also the magic of mutual masturbation. It's honestly one of my favorite tips. I get into the tricky relationship between shame and fantasy and discuss how often you should masturbate in a relationship, which is probably more than you think. Please, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps more people find the show so they can have better sex just like you. My new articles, the Psychology of youf Kink and How to Squirt For Real are up on sexwithemily.com plus, if you haven't seen yet, I have a February solo sex challenge. It's live on my website right now. And you know what I love when I launch something and I can tell right away you guys are obsessed with it. You're all downloading the February Sex Challenge. I have a friend who was at dinner with some. You didn't know that we knew each other and they were all doing the February solo sex challenge. So it's working. It makes sense because you all want to have hot sex and you want to uplevel your sex game and you don't have to start it right now. You don't have to even start it in February. But really, why not? You did love the January sex challenge we did last month, so we're just going to keep doing them. Make sure you keep an eye out at sex with emily.com only if you want to have your best sex in 2024. And really, why wouldn't you? It's time, people. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Let's talk about masturbation for a minute. Just because masturbation is something that I encourage, I know that a lot of you either are bored with your masturbation routine. You still have some challenges around it. You know, maybe you grew up in an environment where it wasn't accepted. Or maybe you don't love that your partner masturbates, but you don't masturbate, which is when I think you need to masturbate. But let me just remind you some of the basics here before I go in and answer your questions. There are health benefits to masturbating. It releases sexual tension. It reduces your stress. It can help you sleep better. It improves your self esteem and your body image. I mean, once you learn how to give yourself an orgasm and what feels good, you look in a mirror, all the things you're gonna realize, like, my body's pretty amazing. It also relieves menstrual cramps and tension. It can help strengthen your muscle tone and your pelvic and anal areas. It's a natural pain relief when you have an orgasm. So a lot of you say, though, why should I masturbate if I have a partner? Well, again, that's why those health benefits. And it's a way to stay connected with yourself. It literally is the ultimate definition of self love. It's a very intimate experience with ourself. We discover more things about ourself. We can play, we can make it fun, fun. We can spice it up. And just remember this, just because your partner masturbates and they're with you does not mean that they are not into you and they don't love you or they want something different. It just means they need a release and it's part of connecting with themselves. Also in this episode, I mentioned the G spot a few times and I just want to clarify that I believe it's more of a G area. I think the name G spot has got a lot of vulva owners worried that there's. They don't have the spot. It's in a different place. I believe it's more of internal clitoral nerves because your clitoris has nerves inside. And also it was named after a guy named Grafenberg and we know that he didn't have a vulva. So it's an area. Have fun looking for other ways to orgasm rather than focusing on a spot. Here's the other thing I asked on Instagram. I was like, how did you learn to masturbate? We put this in our stories, which is sex with Emily. And you answered practice porn. Experimenting, trial and error. Accidentally. I was in middle school and just started feeling around for what felt good. Someone else said, I just started touching myself. Thanks to the Miss America pageant and mesh shorts through reading dirty fan fiction when I was 14. Apparently your podcast. I was a masturbation virgin. God, that happens. You realize, doing a podcast for 15 years. And some of you grew up listening to this podcast, which is amazing. The Internet self taught the movie American Pie. My mom gave me a book about puberty. Accidentally in the shower when water pressure gave me an erection. I've heard that a lot. A lot of accidental, incredible feelings with a shower head. I found a vibrating pen when I was 14 and used that. Here's another common one. I just started humping pillows. A lot of you answered that you were humping mattresses and stuffed animals. Someone else said, pilates makes sense. You're tensing your pelvic floor the whole time. I ordered a book behind my parents back and it taught me how. Love it. Using the jets in my hot tub, watching Black Swan. And someone else said, my therapist at 30 years old. I love when you talk to your therapist about sex. Why don't you? All right, let's get into your email questions. This is from Joe, female, 52, in Chino Hills, California. I've been listening to you for over a year now and because of you I've been thinking more about my needs. I've been married for 31 years, but with my husband for 37 years. We are parents to three adult children now. We have a good sex life. I love him so much and enjoy pleasing him and giving him blowjobs every day, even twice if I'm lucky. Wow. He's also very generous with pleasing me. He's gone a lot because of work, so I'm alone a lot. I want to try masturbating, which I've never done and I don't know how. I don't know where to start. Do I tell my husband I feel a little embarrassed about doing that? You always talk about it and it makes me feel like I'm missing something. Awesome. I. Any advice for me? Thanks. Can't wait to hear from you. Well, welcome to masturbation, Joe. Yeah, no time like the present. First off, good news that you also have years of experience with your husband. You've had lots of great sex and I'm glad you said that. He pleases you. So I'm assuming you already have orgasms and pleasure and so you do know what feels good to you in relation to your husband's body. But now it's time to get out on your own. So I do have a little recipe here for you to get started. I always recommend taking a bath or a shower and something to just kind of change your state. So you're not going for work or whatever you're doing these days and stressed out. But get into your body. It's really hard to get started with masturbation. Just going like now I touch myself. Get into a bath. It really gets your body relaxed and in the mood. Get yourself in the mindset where you're just gonna start being present with your body, start to feel the warm water on your skin and scrub and just get into a different state. Set the mood as if you're going on a date, but it's with yourself. So what are all the things you would do before a night of sex? And I want you to give all of that to yourself. Then you can go into your bedroom or wherever you feel comfortable. Turn off your phone. And what I want you to understand is that this is more about curiosity without the goal of orgasm. It's more about what does it feel like to move your hands on your body, something you've never done before. I recommend taking a mirror and taking a look and actually seeing how you. How you look and look. Checking out your vulva, on how you get aroused. You know how I feel about lube and just experiment with touch and sensations. You could also use a vibrator. But if you've never done it, I recommend just letting your hands figure out what feels good. I mean, you can probably also channel being with your husband and you probably know different body parts that feel good when stimulated. Right. We have this muscle memory. But my main thing for you is just to give yourself 20 minutes. Just see how it feels to touch your whole body. Your breasts, you. You can start with your labia. Moving your fingers up and down and around in circles. Sometimes a light tapping or moving in circular motions like the pads of your fingers. Just start to breathe too. Breath is really important. Focus on how does it feel to be touched by your own hands? What is the sensation? Do you find yourself again still too in your head? I would just breathe deep, move your fingers around. Is it a light tapping, circular motions? Is there something else that feels good? And I think you should absolutely tell your husband. I would think after 37 years you guys have a close relationship. And he would probably. Since he's so invested in your pleasure, he'd probably be really excited that you're taking matters into your own hands. It's truly the greatest act of self love. Okay, this is from K30 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, I've never orgasmed with a vibrator before and that's about to change. But I have no idea where to begin. What should I consider when deciding which vibrator to buy? Is there something that can do clitoris? Angie, Spot. I need help. God, I love a sex toy. Question. Welcome to the wonderful world of sex toys. K. Yes, there is something that has the internal spots and the clitoris. And that would be a rabbit style vibe, which is a dual stimulation vibe. You've never had a vibrator before though, so I think that you should get two vibrators because I always recommend that we start with a clitoral vibe. Starter toys that I always recommend is the touch. I love the Jae Jou Mimi, but let me tell you why I love the touch. For example, it covers a lot of surface area. The touch covers your labia and not just your clitoris, but you kind of lay it over your entire vulva and then have the tip of it touching your clitoris. And it just. It's a wonderful vibrator. Touches all the spots. Literally, it's a touch. So for internal though, you get the rave by we vibe, which is an internal vibe, which also I called it the G spot gps. But if you want to get a dual stim like a rabbit, then I would recommend their Nova 2. I actually am remembering this right now, now that we're talking. My first vibrator, when I went to Good Vibrations 25 years ago, I bought a book called how to find you'd G spot. And I bought the original Rabbit vibrator like the one with the batteries, the one that was on Sex of the City. And I realized I never used it because I just thought, yeah, might as well go for the G spot because I thought it was superior and I thought it was a whole thing. What I know now is that it really helps to have clitoral orgasms first. And when you arouse, literally like your vulva and everything, it swells and it allows you to have an internal orgasm or G spot orgasm. Much easier once you're already aroused. So that's what I recommend. Also, get some lube. As long as you're getting some toys, I would recommend a water based lube, like pure. Because water based lube is best for silicon toys. You can't go wrong with one of these we vibes. All right, so this is from Cora 26. Hi, Dr. Emily. My question is regarding vibrators and sex. I've climaxed without a vibrator before with just sex and clitoral stimulation. However, I was single for many years and used my vibrator a lot throughout my time being single. I have a boyfriend now, but from use of my vibrator, I don't seem to be able to go back to climaxing without one. Is there any way I can reprogram myself to climax without a vibrator? Now, I love the vibrator, don't mind using it. I just feel more connected with someone when I don't use it. So here's the thing, Cora. We have like a muscle memory. So it is likely true right now that that is how your body is remembering to orgasm. You know, they say if you're. If you're exercising a lot, like let's say you were lifting weights and you're doing the same routine every day, eventually our muscles will stagnate. You know, they say you got to mix up your routine and, you know, cross train and all that. So that's exactly what's happening with your vibrator. Your body's used to it. You have your thing with your vibe. You know exactly what you're doing. You hit it and quit it. So much like having to stimulate different muscles group to stay in shape, you have to do this as well with your masturbation routine. So my recommendation is to start masturbating without a vibrator and start to get used to what it feels like with your hands again. Because your muscles also remember that they're just more used to the recent vibrator. I know for a fact that if you actually give yourself permission, you take some time and you say, I might not orgasm this time, or maybe I won't bring in my vibrator for 10 minutes. Or I'm going to spend 15 minutes exploring again. I'm going to use some lube. I'm going to look in the mirror at how sex I am. I'm going to feel my body. I'm going to, you know, try something new with my partner. Or maybe my mind is engaged with him. Like, so maybe we're doing some dirty talk or some role playing so you're really feeling connected to your partner and you're not so focused, focused on your own orgasm, you might find that it just comes back. So I recommend a little bit of practicing on your own and trying something new with your partner. Because when our mind sometime is in your head and you tell yourself you can't have the orgasm, sometimes that's actually what stops us from having it. You're not broken here, and I know you'll get it back, Cora. This happens. The good news about this is now you get to learn other ways. You get to relearn your body or maybe learn Something new with this new partner, which I always think is exciting. Okay, this is from Drew, 28, in Boise, Idaho. Hi, Dr. Emily. I just wondering if there's any other methods of masturbation for men outside of my hand. My wife would prefer me to not get a flashlight or pocket. All right, Drew. For a lot of men, it does feel good. If you're going to mix up your masturbation, you're not going to use your hand. Well, you're going to need something else to stroke your penis. And so maybe your wife doesn't like the idea of the fleshlight, which are often modeled after a vulva. Like they're actually someone's real vagina and vulva. But here's the thing. If you have a penis and you've never tried vibrations or different kinds of lubes, maybe a warming lube or a cooling lube, I'd say it's time to try. There's so many nerve endings on your penis, and we're all so ready to go with doing the same thing over and over again. I love Drew that you want to try something new. Also recommend switching up your position. If you always use your left hand, use your right hand. If you usually do it sitting down, you could try standing up again. Try some different lubes and different sensations to play with. You could also try some anal play on yourself. Get a butt plug, or get something by a Neros, which is actually made for the prostate. It's actually healthy to stimulate a prostate if you have one. Edging is also a way to mix up your masturbation routine, whether you have a penis or a vulva. But it's the. It's the process of stimulating yourself until you get close to orgasm, and then you bring it back down again. So you escalate till you're about to orgasm, and then you bring it back down. And this is the process of not allowing yourself just to orgasm, but to sort of stay in that area of arousal and stimulation. And the more heightened that becomes, the more times you go up and down with the arousal without orgasming. When you do orgasm, it can feel a lot more intense, a lot stronger. We have a downloadable guide about edging, and you could go to our website and check it out at sex with emily.com. okay. This is from Lydia, 23, in Nebraska. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Lydia. I'm 23. I'm a new masturbator and orgasm experiencer. It's a new term I've coined. My boyfriend is 24, and I began experimenting with toys two months ago, we just got a bullet clitoral vibrator and use it in the bedroom together on a vacation. I've never finished from penetration, but I think I faked it a few times. I've taken to using the toy on my own and I've masturbated for the first time ever. I'm doing it every day, but I've read stories. Masturbating too often can negatively impact your sex life with your partner. Any advice? On balance, I'm his first girlfriend and he doesn't have a lot of confidence in the bedroom and doesn't particularly enjoy giving oral. So I hesitate to advise him on to help me finish. All right, Lydia, here's the thing. I love that you're exploring that you got yourself a vibrator and you're playing with it. Masturbating too often. Listen, it only becomes a problem when it's a problem. Can you no longer get turned on by your partner? Can you no longer do anything without your vibrator? Are you missing work because all you're doing is staying home and masturbating like, that's when it becomes a problem. But I wouldn't worry about the negative image impact. But what I do like here is that what you said is your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of experience. He's in his 20s. You're in your 20s. I think you could give him the greatest gift ever. If you say, I've been doing a lot of experimenting lately and I in no way want this to come across like I think I know more than you or I'm better than you. I've just been exploring my body and I want to show you this really cool thing that I've learned. And let me show you this toy and maybe he could use it on you. But remember, the only reason why, you know, he doesn't have a lot of experience, which I find with a lot of people in their 20s. Because you just haven't. Even if you've had sex with a lot of people, it doesn't mean you've experience with a partner that is in a healthy place. You're giving and exchanging ideas and information and listening and helping each other. You just said to me, Lydia, that you. That you don't want to rock the boat with him, but you'd be doing him a huge favor, huge service to tell him about pleasure and let him see you have an orgasm. So he knows that it's possible. So I would recommend that. But also, mutual masturbation is such a sexy thing. To I always recommend to couples where you're both masturbating so you're both doing your thing. It's really hot because watching your partner masturbate is sexy. And seeing your partner in those with passion, it's sexy as hell if you haven't done that. But also it's educational because you actually get to see how they touch themselves and what turns them on. Specifically, does he put his hand on his balls? Does he grab the shaft? What does he do? What kind of pressure? And then you could learn when you're going down on your partner and then he can learn what you like. So oral will become more comfortable to him. But the reason why a lot of guys don't like oral is because they don't really know what they're doing because they haven't been with a partner who either enjoyed receiving it or actually knew how to articulate what they want. So if you can make this like a shared experience, Lydia, with your boyfriend and just be like, hey, I'm excited to be exploring together and learning new things. Let's start with learning about my body together. That's what I recommend. This is from Rebecca, 23 in Oregon. Hey Dr. Emily. My name is Rebecca and I'm a new listener to your podcast. After pursuing some articles on your Frequently Asked Questions page, I have a question I want to know more about. How can I overcome the roadblock of shame in masturbating? I grew up in a conservative Christian and in a single parent household where sex, masturbation and men were either not talked about or demonized. Masturbation was seen as a sin, lingerie was gross, and sex, as described to me by my mom, is a way for women to be men's toilets. As a result, I've never solo masturbated. I'm currently married to an amazing, supportive and sex positive man with whom I've done lots of sex, learning and unlearning with. My sex drive has been very low since we got married because of major anxiety and busy schedules. My husband's encouraged me to try masturbating to increase sex drive and has bought me every kind of vibrator under the sun. I have self pleasured during sex a few times with my husband, but I still cannot get myself to do it solo. I do believe masturbation is healthy and needed, but I can't get myself to do it. It's like there's a huge wall that I just cannot overcome. No matter what. I desperately want to increase my sex drive. I think masturbation might Be what's needed. Any advice? Oh, Rebecca, thank you so much for your question. First off, I'm gonna help you here, but I think this is so relatable. And so many people grew up in homes where sex was demonized and they were told it was wrong. And then they go out and try and have that healthy sex life and it's really get rid of all the messaging that you heard as a, as a young child and it becomes so part of who you are and it's hard to separate it all. So just be kind to yourself and know that this is going to be a journey here. But what I love is that your husband is also encouraging you to explore. So that probably also helps you realize it's not wrong. So we've got a battle here of your mind and your body. So what I would love for you here is to just start to. You seem like you're a really good writer. I would kind of write about some of your earlier messages to sex and see do they still serve me? Do I still believe them? Where did that message come from? And it sounds like you know this, but if you could really sort of write it down and realize, does that still serve me? Is that true? Getting rid of those messages around it and realizing that it really is not what you choose to believe. It sounds like you're there. And it sounds like it's been fairly recent that you are learning that you deserve pleasure. So for, let's say for 21 years, I don't know when you got married, but, but let's say you're 23, so I'm gonna assume maybe you were 21. And maybe for 21 years you've been hearing that sex is wrong and gross in your men's toilets. It makes sense that you're not gonna be able to switch on a dime to all of a sudden be in your body and be sexual, be masturbating. You have to undo a lot of that stuff, a lot of that messaging, which I'm glad that you realize is no longer serving you. And so I would replace some of that with some more education. That helps a lot. I love that you're listening to the podcast. That's a huge, huge help for so many people. And the more that you fill your brain and fill your mind with sex positive information more than your husband telling you it's okay. Got a lot of great blogs on the site. Find some other sex positive books and more content that makes you feel more like yourself. So there's just layers of unlearning I also recommend that you talk openly to friends that are outside of your, you know, not your family. It sounds like you've talked to your mom and your husband, but I'll bet if you start talking to your girlfriends, they can tell you about maybe some ways that they've masturbated or maybe they've overcome the shame. But the more we start to normalize sex, which is what my mission is, is to get everybody to talk about sex and to make it less taboo and less shameful. It can start with you getting in the practice of not just masturbating, but the practice of truly being a sex positive woman who respects your own needs and desires and your own pleasure. And I think the more that you start to make sex information available to you and a part of your life, the old messaging will start to slip away and you'll really be able to step into the Rebecca that you are meant to be as a fully empowered, sexy, incredible woman. Hands up. I'll be right back with more solo sex talk after a quick break for our sponsors. But before then, real quick. Lelo. So they're one of my top sex toy brands. And Lelo makes these really beautiful, award winning, super luxury sex toys that feel good on everybody and really everybody. And they have the most perfect toy for anyone looking to further explore their bodies. The Lelo dot. Check this out. It's a clitoral pinpoint vibrator that lets you identify exactly where you feel the most pleasure. Because remember, the vulva has so many pleasure points on it, so many nerve endings, and the Lelo dot is made specifically to target all these areas so you can truly figure out what feels the best to me. Is it the upper left quadrant of your vulva? The bottom right you can pinpoint. You can literally find all those areas and stimulate them for more pleasure with the Lelo Dot. Using a toy like this will help you better understand your body during solo play. So not only so you have better orgasms, that's great. But then you can give better direction to your partners. You can be like, look what I figured out about my body. It's also great for people with sensitive vulvas. And the tip is so small, you can incorporate it into couples play. And you know what? It feels great on penis owners too. Let's not discriminate. We all got body parts with nerve endings that feel amazing when stimulated. It's also 100% waterproof, has a lot of vibration patterns, and it moves in this really cool, seductive, elliptical motion. So spice up your solo sex routine. And go to lelo.com right now. Now through the end of February, they're offering up to 50% off their products. That's LELO.com to take advantage of their February deals. And I'll put a link in our show notes. All right, everyone, Be right back.

Hi, female caller. You can be anonymous. What would your name be if you. If you had your alter ego?

I would say Acolitis.

Acolitis, yes. It's a goddess. You are. You are acolytes to me. Tell me everything. What's going on.

I'm calling because I.55, and I just had these young neighbors, young couple just move next door to me probably about a year ago, and I find myself masturbating in the bathroom, in the shower, when I know that they're home. Is that weird?

Well, what do you mean? So you masturbate in the shower in their home and they could hear you, like, hear you masturbating or you're.

So here's the thing. So, you know, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom, just naturally. I like to bathe, I like to shower. I do candles, the whole thing. Right. But since they moved next door, I find myself spending a lot more time there with music and candles. And I'm not super, super loud. But I notice I always kind of check to see if their car is there and then, you know.

Well, yeah, I don't think anything. Even saying it out loud, I think that's really, like. So. No, I love that you're calling it because we all have rich fantasy lives, but if we don't, we gotta get some because this is it. So are you thinking about them? Or maybe you're thinking about them hearing you? Or are you thinking about, like, are you in the bathtub?

I'm in. I'm in the bathtub most times. And then I usually bring my tool in the bathroom with me, me. And then I'll start. But I notice as I start to masturbate, I'll fantasize about the two of them hearing me. And I don't get super, super loud. But, you know, once the orgasm starts, you know, I don't really care about the sound. So I hope I'm not being loud. I don't think I'm being loud, at least.

Well, probably inspiring that maybe you're a little bit of foreplay for that. Maybe they hear your orgasm and that turns them on.

I'm kind of hoping.

Yeah, let's see if they complain. But I think that that's really healthy. I think that you are keeping sex top of mind. You know what you need? It's self care. Taking a bath, setting the atmosphere, maybe playing music, lighting a candle and giving yourself pleasure. And bringing in having a rich fantasy life around your neighbors. And are they hearing or no? It's all good. Like, I feel like acolytes. It's time to go find the other toy now. So wait, what. Can we back up for a minute? What is the tool that you bring into the bath? Because you said I bring my tool, which I love. It's a rite of vibrator.

It's called the melt M E L T. Dude.

Yes.

I love that thing.

It's so good. We're talking about the we vibe melt. I tried it. I thought, I've had all the kinds of orgasms. I tried it and then I had one orgasm and then I had another one and it was like this. I don't know what happened. You're like. Something from the inside came out. It was some nerve endings. It was incredible. And I was so excited that I came in the next day and my staff was here and a new intern they were interviewing. And I couldn't help it. I was like, I had this orgasm with this melt. Anyway, it was funny. So, yeah, I love the melt. I feel you.

Unfortunately, I tried it on my first try. I tried it on a Saturday morning in my shower downstairs. And everybody was eating on my family. My husband and my kids were eating breakfast. And I literally was on the floor after. You know, my stomach was crunching. I was like, oh my God, they're gonna have to call 91 1. And one of my kids knocked on the door. They were like, mommy, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm okay.

I had to get out of the shower and I had to like. I bought. I did the fetal position. And then I started doing some stretches. Cause my stomach was just like. My abs were knotting up. And I thought, this is it. This is gonna be it. The fire department is gonna have to come and I'm gonna be here in the fetal fucking position with this melt vibrating next to me. It was awful. I wanted to cry.

Like, mommy, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. I'll be okay.

That's. Does that like you gotta put guardrails up or something. Like you gotta wear knee pads or some kind of padding, like a helmet or something you need to wear. Right? Cause you could go out. Yeah, I use mine in my steam shower. I gotta turn off the steam sometimes. You gotta Be like, something could happen here. Okay, well, now do you know which one you have in your garage that you have in your. No.

I haven't had it out in so long.

I think that's your assignment this weekend.

I didn't have a G spot because I was like, maybe I don't have one.

Oh, you do. You have an internal clitoral nerve. I mean. Wait, what about your husband? Does he ever. Does he ever come into the bathroom with you? Now, that's your time. Does he ever find help to find your G spot?

That's the other thing. That's one of the reasons why I'm so quiet. Because I think he knows that I masturbate in the bathroom. But I think I have a little bit of guilt because while he knows that I masturbate, I don't think he knows that I'm fantasizing about the neighbors. Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely. And he doesn't need to know everything. It's okay to have fantasies that we. Listen. There's two kind of fantasies. The ones we want to keep to ourselves and the ones we want to share with our partners. That's it. No judgment. Listen, the time when we feel the most sexually satisfied and the most pleasure is when we are free. And we're not worried about what anyone else thinks about our orgasm and what turns us on and what gives us pleasure. That's why women aren't having orgasms as well, because we just. We worry. But your G spot orgasm is totally. Your internal orgasm is totally possible. But I think you just gotta get that. Go dig out that toy. If you incorporate some internal play into your session, then maybe you'll. You'll start to feel more orgasms. And maybe that'll be something you want to bring into your relationship. Like, maybe you'll be like, look at all these nerve endings. Let's go crazy. Acolytes.

Thank you so, so, so much.

You're amazing. Thank you for calling. Stay in touch. Okay, I got you. Talk to Wendy in Oregon. Hi, Wendy.

Hi, Emily. Appreciate your show. I like listening to it. But I do have a question.

Of course.

You were talking about a device called a vibrator called the Melt. And I wanted to know how it compared to the Womanizer, which I already have.

Oh, okay.

Recommendations.

Great. Do you like the Womanizer?

Fuck, yeah.

Yes. Sorry.

No, Wendy, that's exactly how we all feel about the Womanizer. Okay, so here's the deal. Womanizer bought we Vibe and they became one company. So Womanizer's one. And then. And then The We Vibe. So we Vibe took the technology from Womanizer. That Pleasure Air technology uses indirect. It indirectly stimulates your clitoris. It kind of feels like it's kind of like the closest thing to oral sex. It sort of gets around your clitoris and sort of has, like, this sort of a sucking feeling. And it's just like nothing that's ever been created before. When it came out six years ago, then We Vibe made a toy called the Melt, and they took that technology, and it just uses.

Is.

It's all silicone material. So it's like the reason why it's a little different than the Womanizer. It's the same technology, but it's sort of. Is more uniquely shaped into the toy. So it doesn't come with, like, a separate. You know how the Womanizer comes with, like, two separate heads? And it's kind of an external sucking. It's an external thing. This one doesn't have that. But I think they're all. I think if you like your Womanizer, you're good. But the belt is it. Well, the melt's a different sensation because it's also angled and it's a little bit. Which. Which womanizer do you have? I say, try it. To be honest, I'm like, I don't know what your. How much you got, what your budget is, but it's pretty awesome. It's a little bit smaller.

I could keep the. I could keep the Womanizer at my boyfriend's house and then keep the Melt at my house, I guess.

Yes, Wende, that's it. That's it. And then one day you call your boyfriend, say, guess what? I'm bringing a third tonight. And then you show up with the. With the. With the. With the melt. You're like, I gotta show you my. Yeah, no, that'. That's what you should do. I think that. Listen, why do I need six pairs of black boots, right? Do I really need them? That. This heels of 2 inches and this is. No. Like, do you need the Melt? How. Yeah, I mean, you know, you don't need it. You have the Womanizer. But I say it's all. That's why when I came in. Wendy, I've been trying vibrators for 15 years. And then I tried. I was like, this is a different kind of orgasm. So when I talk about exploring nerve endings, trying new things, you know, you never know what it could open up for you.

Wonderful. Yeah, Wendy, Thanks, Wendy. Let me know what you think I'd love. Now you gotta tell me your experience with it. Okay.

I will. I will. Okay. Thank you so much.

Of course, Wendy. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Rapid fire questions. A lot of you are sliding into my DMs and emails, and I wanted to answer as many as I can in a limited amount of time. So here we go. How do you talk to your husband of 17 years about our mismatched libidos? This is the old timing, tone, and turf. You can go to our website and also check out our guide. But listen, you got to have these conversations, honest, open. Just be curious and tell him that you want to talk about how much sex feels right to him and how much sex feels right to you. And then you compromise and you schedule it. All right, this is from Abby. What is a fun sex position that isn't common? Well, you know, there's a few positions. I'd say there's about four or five that we all know about. But remember, they're all alternatives to those positions. You could try a sitting position. Your partner sits on the bed, and then you sit on their lap. You could try an alternate position to doggy style. Remember, you don't have to be on all fours. You can lay down. You can use pillows as props. When you prop pillows up and you raise up your pelvic floor, that can really kind of enhance the. The penetration. And the. That can. It can really enhance the depth of penetration, and it can feel that. That much better. You can also try the cat position coital alignment technique. You can check it out on our website. And that can also help a vulva owner have more orgasms. All right, where do I start experimenting with bdsm? How do I bring it up with my wife? And how should we start to explore? Well, if you've ever had a conversation about your sex life, this is a great place to start. Start talking about fantasies. What are three things she's been wanting to try? What are three things you want to try? You can also start to add. Explain to her what you think is hot about bdsm. Do you want to spank her? Tie her up? Do you want to talk dirty to her? Let her know what you're into and why, and then see how she feels about it. Show her some scenarios and porn or somewhere that you. She can understand more about it and what might be pleasurable to her. This is from Instagram. I want to spice up my masturbation routine. I want to try doing it outside. Thoughts. Yeah, you know, spicing it up. I mean, sometimes if you. If you could just do it with your left hand instead of Your right hand. I just read about a guy being arrested doing it in a Walmart parking lot. So I don't really recommend just doing it like outside in your car. But try a vibrator. Try different techniques. If you always masturbate on your back, do it on your stomach. If you're always laying down, try sitting. And there's warming gels and cooling gels. And you could just try different sensations. Remember our body parts. There's so many nerve endings and so much sensitivity that it feels. If you're playing with hot and cold sensations and different vibrators, it's gonna mix it up, I promise. All right. This is from a female on Instagram, newly dating. He's smaller than me. I'm insecure, as is common. You know, I think that everything's common. You guys all wanna know, am I normal? But if you're attracted to him when he's attracted to you, then just remember that our insecurities are coming from our own deep rooted place of insecurities. And so I think just working on being to able, connected and present in the moment and go with that because I'm sure this is probably your limiting belief and not your partner's. How can I get my husband to be more confident in the bedroom? Okay. You know, we often think that to get our partners to be more confident about affirmation and giving them, you know, lots of compliments. But the truth is I'm going to guess that he's probably insecure in other areas as well. Usually our insecurities have to do with deeply rooted issues in our psyche that we haven't quite tackled yet. So I would, you know, confidence ultimately is an inside job. So I would try to have conversations with him and find out what it is that is driving his insecurities. If you want to help him, talk it through. But I feel like a lot of it is us kind of working and clearing out those demons that are holding us back. Okay. Wife loves cunnilingus and doggy style position. Can she climax from a rim job while I'm there? I don't know. Why don't you try it out and see what happens consensually? Why not? Let me know if it works. We're all different. That's the beauty of this. Let me know. Some women can. All right, that's all we have time for. Thanks, everyone. Send me your questions. Love you all. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast Emily and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline559 talk sex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sex with emily.com askemily Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com there's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health. Magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. 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