Seduction, Self-Love & Strap-Ons

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about important aspects of sex and why communication is a lubrication. Topics include sexual kinks, what's getting more popular and why, navigating open relationships, the real talks you must have to do it right, and strap-ons. What are the best options out there? All this and more. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out our website because you will love it and you will love and learn. Also, subscribe to us, you guys, wherever you're listening. It's awesome. You can find us on Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, SoundCloud. Give us a review on iTunes. That helps a lot. 5 stars feels really good to us. And as always, follow us on social media. It's @sexwithemily on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Okay, I'm here with the latest member of our team, Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Emily Morse. Sarah was on the show over a month ago. We did a sex toy review show, and she's awesome. So, Sarah is a list— she's not just a listener, but now she's an employee of Sex with Emily Morse. She's part of our team. First of all, Sarah was a fan and listened to the show and emailed us and said, "Are you guys looking for interns?" and we got back to her and we did some interviews and she's been in the last few months and she's amazing. So we just hired her full on. So welcome to the team.

Thank you.

It's been so busy. She started this summer. I've been gone. I wanna like get to know, like, first of all, how old are you?

I'm 25.

25 years old. And you're from California?

Yes.

Okay. So tell me what drew you to Sex with Emily, the podcast, how you found it.

Okay, so I originally heard you on Loveline with Dr. Drew. I was like, okay, I like this lady, and finally there's a female on this show, right?

Right.

And then, um, my friend Amanda actually reintroduced me to your podcast. I was like post-breakup, Sarah. I was feeling a little down, and I feel like I got a little addicted to the podcast because it really did help me heal during that time. Um, like for a lot of the listeners, like they connect with you emotionally on, and the content, of course.

And how did it help you heal? Was it listening? Was it, I think, tips in particular?

I think it was definitely listening, the entertainment aspect of it, and then like taking the stigma out of sex and knowing that everybody goes through a certain pain, like the listeners' emails, and then knowing that therapy is good for everybody.

Oh, is that why you started therapy then?

I started therapy before for like bereavement stuff. And then like, but it was interesting how like certain things with bereavement stuff recirculated back into relationships and definitely breakups. And for whatever reason, like breakups are hard for me.

Like a death? You had a death in your family? Oh, okay.

Yep, yep.

Okay.

So intense. No, it happens.

Yeah, it does. But it's one of that, do you mind if I ask?

No. Yeah, it's cool.

No. Who died?

It was my older brother. I was 15. He was 21.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay.

No, but that's like— and have you— yeah, you get that stuff persists, dealing with that, the grief.

And nobody really talks about too much how like grief can impact your intimacy and emotional intimacy and opening up and things like that, which are important.

So what'd you learn about that, about grief impacting your ability to attach?

Um, let's see, I think the main time I really started to connect the two was I was in my sophomore year, maybe even my junior year of college, and I was having a really tough time. And my aunt came up to me and she was like, hey, like, sometimes we need help and it's okay to ask for help for things. So just go to somebody, talk to somebody. And I found a counselor at my college and I looked up and I looked up the person I wanted to see because I wanted to make sure I could connect with them because I've been to therapy before because my mom like put us into stuff after that death and stuff. Therapy wasn't new to me, but therapy and my trouble in relationships was something new to me that I didn't know was gonna happen.

Right, right. You just have 15, but you don't know yet. Yeah. And so that's good. So then you went back and then— it's so true. And what I want to just point out what you said is that it's so true that to find a good therapist, they're not all gonna work for you. Like, try to see 3. Like, I know it sounds like, oh my god, I'm just glad I'm gonna get to one, but they're not one-size-fits-all. Like, I've had friends years ago when I was about 25, There was this girl that I love. She was a new friend. We were really close and like, she was studying psychology and she was this remarkable woman. And she said to me, "I've got the best therapist for you." And so I went and I just didn't, I didn't jive. I didn't understand her. And at first I was like, what's wrong with me that this woman, but it was like, it's just like anything in life. It's person, you don't like all your friends' friends, you know, where I didn't, we're all different. So to me, that was such an interesting, like, she could be great for my friend, but so we all, it's like dating. So you found your person and then you, that's good. So you've been in therapy working that through now. And now you're in a relationship. And do you feel like— so how long have you been in your relationship?

It started the same time I started working here. Oh, coincidentally.

Okay.

I don't know. So February, end of February, beginning of March.

Okay. God. Yeah. You've been here a while now. Yeah. So how has working here— would you say, has it impacted your relationship and your sex life in any way?

Definitely. I think being a listener and working here has And just knowing, just getting rid of the stigma and learning how to communicate when in super intense, hard to have conversations. 'Cause I was really bad at that in the beginning.

We all are, we all call it bad, but I'd like to say that we don't have experience. Like when you're a young adult going through your first few, you don't know how to communicate. What about your sex life? Anything with your sex life? Has it evolved?

I think so. In being able to communicate your needs, or like going back to, I guess, John Weiland shows, being able to communicate that you don't feel safe in a certain situation or that you don't feel comfortable, or if you need to articulate things that you need to have in order to feel safe to open up and trust and that kind of thing. Definitely. So having those tough conversations has made me feel more safe and more open and more willing to try different things, I guess, sexually. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, good. Like what?

I guess not for myself, but butt stuff.

Can we ask about this?

Yeah.

Okay, so we've sent you home with many a care package of prostate toys to try out with your wife. And we love that we have a man here, a man that's friends of the family here, friends of the Sexually Family, who's willing to try them.

Yeah.

So I think we sent you the Black Pearl and the— now the Eneros.

Yeah.

How's that going from the female-male perspective?

It's going well.

Both?

I tried the Black Pearl with him and that was, that was a good one. He, for that one, he was able to have a prostate orgasm with me. So, and I think it was something to do with the shape of it and then also the different patterns that it provides. He was saying that it felt good.

Did you put it in for him or do you use lube?

Yeah, lube also and putting it in. And—

Was it intense? Were you there? Do you mind? I actually want to know. So, okay, you're like, tonight's the night, baby, I got this. So, Vibratex makes this thing called the Black Pearl, and we've had it for a while. When it came out, it was just a few years ago, we were so excited about it because it's just— Vibratex, everything they make is so well made, and it vibrates and it looks cool, and some toys are less easy to use, but that one seems like one that's a little more prostate-friendly. So, you get it home. Has he ever tried anything else?

Yeah, he's tried the FT London G-pop. Okay, he liked that one. Um, he hasn't given it back to me. Like, I, I let him— I think it was something that I left behind on accident, and then he was using it, and then like it lost its charge. And then after a while I was like, okay, he keeps forgetting to bring it back, right? So I'm just gonna give him the charger.

Let him keep it. Let him keep it. Okay, so he likes it. So tell me about this. So when you Are you— tell me about the night that you first used it. Like, did you— did you guys have sex first? Did you roll him over, give him a massage? Did he go down on you? Like, how did the sexual— I want to know specifically how that act went down of trying it.

Okay, so I think prior to sex happening, he just mentioned briefly like, oh, tonight would be a good night to use that. And I was like, oh, okay. And then sex happened, um, penetrative sex, oral sex, and all that good stuff. And then we went for that. So it was my first time doing booty play on anybody.

Okay.

So I used my finger just to like, um, open up the area, I guess, the area. And of course lube, lots of lube.

Thank God.

Yeah, Joe Lube was there. Foria slipped into the mix a little bit.

Foria, that's good to relax the anus. Can we talk about Foria, you guys? Amazing. It's CBD pre-lube. Amazing.

I love it for myself. Yeah, it's good for everybody.

Um, and so he had already ejaculated from sex. Yeah. And then you're like, okay, relax, let's play with it.

Okay, so a gift with this one is that— and he does his Kegels pretty regularly, and I don't think he knew that his Kegels— and I didn't know before, like, talking to you about it— that Kegels can actually strengthen a man's, um, what is it called, the, uh, his pelvic floor. With the pelvic floor, but also decrease the time in between.

Oh, adura refractory period.

Yeah, the refractory period.

And so he was ready to go. Yeah, he was ready to go. You guys, if your partner can't get it up, can't do stuff, like convince him to do butt play, because that's going to get anyone up. He could be sleeping. He could be in the hospital. You put something in their butt. No, I mean, really, it's amazing, you guys, what I've talked about. I'm not a pusher, but many a straight man who's never indulge in gay sex or— because a lot of people used to think like, oh, it's gay, I can't do it. But you realize you got a prostate, it feels amazing. Yeah. So you put it in.

I put it in. And with— I guess in that instance, it's something that we've kind of figured out with that specific toy. He doesn't necessarily like the in and out motion, but with like the Back Pearl, I guess because of the way it's shaped, it feels good. That in and out motion.

It's like soft silicone. It's, it's a good shape. It's right. Okay.

And, uh, was he on his back or was he— he was on his back.

Okay.

Yeah. And so then I was performing oral and then also using the toy. And I wish there wasn't so much of a stigma for men to play with themselves because like you've said before, it's like cancer preventative. And on top of that, like, why would you say no to something that could give you an orgasm without ejaculation? You know what I mean? Like And that's like an intense orgasm.

Yeah. So, yeah. So you— how long did it— so you pushed it right away or slowly?

Slowly. Yeah. Just testing the waters and then making sure to listen to what felt good for him and what was not okay and things like that. And also leaving the toy in while he penetrates me is also fun because you can still feel a little bit of the vibration.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it's kind of hot just knowing, like, yeah, that's hitting his butt.

Yeah. "Oh my God, that's amazing." So then, did that turn you on, seeing him turned on like that? Yeah, see how it happens, right? You did it, you were there. It's such an intimate thing too. We talk about enhancing intimacy and the reason why we all want to try new things and better, why I encourage it, is because just these things, it could be trying a toy, talking dirty, any little change to what you're doing can have huge— I'm sure it got you a lot closer. So then, you started having sex again and then he had a non-ejaculatory orgasm?

Yeah. Yeah.

And how did he describe it?

He said— when I've asked him before, he says like it's a super intense orgasm that's a little bit different from his regular orgasms. And sometimes he'll have them blended where he'll be able to have a P-spot orgasm and then also a regular orgasm. I don't know, just it's hot. It's hot to see your lover like orgasm in front of you. And it feels good to like please them and stuff.

Where in LA did you grow up?

In this area, I guess, like on the border of LA County and Orange County.

Okay. And what's your upbringing like? Brothers, sisters, um, parents?

I have a lot of siblings. Um, one older, he's the one that passed away, and then 3 boys and a little girl now. Yeah, she's, uh, 8-ish.

Wow. Okay. That's— and you still, you live at home, right? Yes. Okay. And so my question is, what about your own, like, sexual awakening? Do you remember when you first masturbated?

Um, I think I was actually pretty— I wasn't super young compared to like stories that I've heard since working here, but, um, I want to say I might have been middle school age or elementary school age, and there was a stuffed animal involved with like a nose shape.

And yeah, on your bed. Yeah, this is so common. Yeah, so common that a few years ago they came out with a teddy bear vibrator whose whose nose did that. It was at one of the sex shows. Yeah, yeah. So you're not— just so you know, other women have humped the toy in bed. So you had an orgasm. Did you feel— and did you remember that? Was it like—

I think, you know what, I want to say it was just like a— it might have been like a baby orgasm, and— but I couldn't figure it out. I was just like, oh, that felt good. But then I was like, oh, I felt maybe that's bad to do, so I just didn't do it again.

Yeah.

And then the next time it happened, I think I was watching The King's Speech, and I don't know, it was like I don't know what's super sexy about that movie.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, Colin Firth. Colin Firth, right?

Yeah, he is cool.

I see it.

You never know what's going to inspire us. Yeah.

And that was cool. I feel like, I don't know about for you guys, but when you have your first orgasm, it's super intense. Or if you have your first oral experience being on the receiving end of it, it feels really good and super intense. Yeah, those are cool.

That's good. Okay. And what about you during— do you have orgasms easily during sex or not?

In the beginning with— so with this partner, it was my first time having an orgasm with another person.

Yeah, that's a big moment when it can happen. I think a lot of us don't realize that, like, because we're told the first time you have it, we're gonna have explosive sex and crazy orgasms. That doesn't happen for most, but to make sense— not probably not the first time, but eventually.

Yeah, yeah.

It's intimacy because you got to know them, when you trust them. You know, women have more orgasms and more satisfaction when they're with a trusted partner.

Yeah.

Wow, that's great. That's good. Okay, so what has been— now that you've been here, one of the perks is you get a lot of different products. What's been your favorite, uh, toys?

I think at the moment I got to have a session with myself yesterday. Oh, um, and I want to say it's the Rave right now. Uh, yeah, the Womanizer is also pretty cool. Yesterday I was using the Rave and the Womanizer together.

Oh, I've done that.

Yeah, Jamie inspired me with some of her stories.

God, try to get that thing out of her hands. You know, I can't do it. No, but honey, you're right. So the Rave is this amazing We-Vibe toy that's like, I call it the G-spot GPS. Like, it just finds it. It's like they literally went, they found a company that made these really cool dildos, and then they were like, oh, I love that purse, that shape. It's a heart with a heart. They're like, we're going to create— they knew, and they do so much research for every toy. And that one really does target it, doesn't it? Did you use the app by chance with it?

I've used the app just to test it out, but not during masturbation yet.

It's pretty cool because the thing about the Rave or a lot of toys is You think, like, why do I need it? I don't have my phone. But we're already on our phones anyway. It's not like you're staring at your phone checking Instagram. You're actually controlling it. And sometimes it's hard to tell what levels it's going to on all toys. So yeah, anyway, next time. So use the Rave and, um, and the Womanizer for your clitoris because the Rave is a G-spot toy. So the clitoris—

ooh. And as foreplay, use Emily's Kegel Camp because being aware of that muscle while you're using the Rave Like before I was aware of my Kegels and doing them, trying to do them regularly. I'm still at the beginning levels, but, um, it made, I think it made that much more of a difference in being able to find my G-spot and have that kind of an orgasm. Cause it doesn't, it hasn't happened to me with a partner yet, but I feel like with the Rave, it definitely has.

Yes. Oh, good. For the first time.

Um, I want to say the first time I used the Rave, I did feel something that I was like, is that, is that the one? But this last time it did feel differently, and it felt almost like a total body orgasm that I've heard. Yeah, on this show and through the emails and things like that. And so the rape people— yeah, yesterday, this was yesterday night. Yeah, sex should not happen.

So I'm like, I feel like that's big. That is big. And that's exactly how, um, how I found my G-spot. I was like, what? F it. No partner's going to do it. It's not going to happen during sex. I'm going to go on my own mission. And then, it is true about the Kegels too. So, you guys, I have this iPhone app, Kegel Camp, that I came out with like 6 years ago. You've heard me talk about it. It reminds you to do them twice a day. And it really, just in a few weeks of doing it, like 3 to 4 days a week, 5 minutes at a time. And I'm re-bringing it up. I don't talk about Kegels. I used to talk about it all the time because I was so proud of it. I still am. But now, I'm realizing that It's really so crucial for men and for women to build those muscles, and I love that it doesn't take long. And for women, you will have stronger— it's— you're building the muscle. The muscle is stronger now, so it has more— it can cause orgasm. We clench those muscles. It just— it's a different sensation. So I did the Rave, I did my Kegels, and that's when I had my G-spot. That's your formula. Yeah, same thing. I was using the Intensity by Pour Moi at the time with my Kegel Camp app. And it would remind, so every day it would remind me, 'cause that's what I needed. I'm like, I'll do it all day, but if I don't have a reminder, so it'd come up, I'd go home, I'd work the intensity, which uses gentle electrostimulation. It does the Kegels for you. And then I would use the Rave. And then I like feel like it was like, my vagina was like, my vulva was super happy and orgasms. Okay, that's good. Look, see exploration. 'Cause where you were at before yesterday is where, not you, But a lot of women have been out there like, never has happened during oral. So, uh, it's just not, or during intercourse, it's not gonna happen for me. And so, I mean, I was like 10 years older than you, so you're 25. I was like 35 when I found it. So like, I'm telling you guys, it can happen to you, but no pressure, but just on your masturbation journeys, maybe work in a few more tries.

Yeah.

Try your Kegels. That's really cool. Okay. I love it, Sarah. Well, welcome to the team. It's been so lovely having you here and getting to know you. And she's really smart. She's writing blogs on the site and reviewing doing toys and just a great addition to the team. Okay, Sarah, let's do some sex in the news and then get into some emails. Forget Fifty Shades, Tracee Cox reveals the very unusual kinks on the rise, including men who watch their partners in bed with someone else. So sex expert Tracee Cox, she's been around for a while and she reveals the very unusual kinks that are on the rise. She says that more and more men are becoming interested in voyeuristic sex and women are choosing to watch gay porn, male and female, over straight porn. So what the study found was, there's a few things. Women are watching more gay porn. According to Pornhub, one of the biggest porn websites in the world, gay male porn is the second most popular category viewed by women using the site. Now I've heard this for years. I've had friends when I've been doing this, or people, listeners are like, is it okay I watch gay porn? I'm not gay. I think for women, they just find two men, you know, attractive, attractive men having sex. Typically they look different than men in straight porn, and they're all about each other. They seem a little bit more passionate. They're, you know, and there's no other women in the mix. So for women who are like, I don't have blonde hair, I don't look— it can just be a lot less threatening in some ways. And also, they, you know, the men just seem more authentic to people watching. Like, it seems like they're really into it. We don't know, it's still a porn, it's still entertainment. What do you think about that? Have you ever watched gay Yeah, tell me, right?

I, I like it. Gay porn's fun. It's funny because I remember listening to your show maybe like a couple years ago, and it used to be said that women like to watch women gay porn or lesbian porn. Yeah. And, uh, fine, seeing this now that most people are watching male porn is also— it's cool and interesting, and it makes me wonder if it's because of the way it's shot, if it's because I mean, as women, we're so used to objectifying each other in movies or whatever we're watching because it's from the male perspective, like the camera lens. So, I mean, like, this is hot.

It is hot, right?

Yeah.

Right, but hot because it's still from the male perspective, but maybe it's a gay director?

Perhaps, yeah.

Right?

That's interesting too, I wonder.

Yeah, because I think that the problem, my challenge around basic Pornhub straight porn is that it is from the male gaze. It's mostly— it's a channel for men, like, and that they're looking at it, how can we do something that's hot for the male viewer, not the female viewer? So that's why we're like, we feel left out of this equation. That's not necessarily hot for us, that he's just pounding her away in the ass without using lube, or like, is it painful, or whatever she's— whatever they're doing. But that's why we love like Erika Lust and other porns are like from the, from the female perspective. So that's a good point that in gay porn it probably would be a director who He's about like the men showing their passion. Yeah, it feels good. Doesn't feel— maybe it's disingenuous, perhaps.

Yeah. And the actors perhaps, and yeah, be more into each other.

Yeah, I like gay porn too. I haven't watched in a while, but I do. I'm actually literally writing right down right now because I've been talking to my boyfriend. I'm like, let's watch more porn that I like. We haven't done it a while. Not that we watch porn that he— we just haven't watched a lot lately. And when we do, I'm at his house and he like rolls up whatever he's got. I'm like, uh-uh. I've got my porn. So that's cool, 'cause here's the next thing. The next thing that's on the rise is men wanting their wife to have sex with someone else, which is called cuckolding. And this was like a term that's been around forever and you're like, oh, cuckolding, it was kind of like a jokey term, like, are you gonna be cuckolded? Basically the fantasy is, it's a common fantasy for straight men and the fastest growing fetish in the world. So why would watching your partner have sex with someone else turn you on? So the theories behind this has always been, there's a voyeuristic element, And infidelity is forbidden, so it appeals on a primal level. So someone could be watching you and that's really hot, and it's not supposed to be happening. Like, your wife shouldn't be having sex, so there's something about the taboo. A lot of these go back to taboos, and you're like, oh my God, that's so— it's so wrong that it's so hot. Another theory is enjoying your part— is thinking your partner is irresistible because it boosts your ego. So here's another guy who wants to have sex with your partner and it feels good, like look how desirable she is. And the most common form of cuckolding is men watching their wives or long-term partners have sex with other men. So yeah, I just think it's taboo. What do you think about that?

I think it's not for everybody, but props to the people that can do it and it's hot for them and it turns them on. It's just another tool for, you know.

It's another tool for intimacy. Again, this is like a threesome. You gotta talk about it, you gotta like, I think this is a great one for role-playing, like watching a porn together where it's happening and having him try to put himself in that position of the man watching the woman. I think this is something that you don't jump into lightly, but I would agree with Tracy, the author of this, that I've been seeing it on the rise too.

And in media and shows and stuff, it's being talked about. Like, you're the worst.

Yes, exactly. Having a romantic or sexual relationship with an object instead of a person. So what, this is probably like robots or inanimate object. People develop deep emotional, sexual, or romantic attachments to inanimate objects, sometimes even marrying them. One woman, Erica Latour Eiffel, believes she's married to the Eiffel Tower. Another woman says she's married to the Statue of Liberty. So, and then there's a rise of real dolls and sex robots has edged this category of sexuality a little closer to mainstream, which saying there's no difference in falling in love with a doll made for pleasure and one that isn't. That just makes me a little nervous that we're just gonna have our phones and our robots and we won't ever talk to a human again. So, but I'm just reporting here what has been found. The other thing is foot fetish parties. This is around to stay. Maybe popular on your grandmother's day, and foot fetishism is still one of the most common forms of sexual fetishism, with feet the most sought-after non-sexual body part. After all the other non-sexual, hands, It's not your elbows, it is your feet. And they say that there's now foot fetish party events. Men can suck on the toes of foot models. Yeah, so, yeah, what do you think about that?

Feet have some erogenous zones, correct?

For women, yes, absolutely.

Is it just for women or?

No, well, and for men too. I think, God, you guys, if you ever study Chinese medicine or get any reflexology in your feet and there's all these pressure points, So I believe yes, there's a lot of nerve endings, like in your toe, it could be connected to your nipples or something. There's like different spots.

Oh my gosh, what?

Yeah, I swear to God, pressure points and you feel things like your liver, your kidneys, your vagina, I don't know. So that could be it too. Yeah.

Okay.

There's some parts that feel good. That might be next tonight with your boyfriend.

Hey.

Good old Sigmund Freud said that people sexualize feet because they look like penises. Of course he did. Everything was about a penis. And others say it's, see, this is what I've always believed, that it's some kind of child imprinting where Maybe you were in third grade and your teacher came to reprimand you, but she was wearing flip-flops. You saw her toes and there was something about it and you were like, oh my God, that's really hot. And then the moment, it just takes one instant and it gets linked in and then you're like into your head. And then you're like, yeah, from childhood.

And then working that out in adulthood.

Exactly. So that's what happens, right? That's how people have it. And the thing about a foot fetish is that, and any fetish is that when you have a fetish, it typically means that that object, whatever it is, the robot, the foot, that is required for ejaculation. It can become a little tricky. You're like, there's no feet, so what do I do?

That's hard when you're in a relationship then. I mean, maybe not everybody, hopefully, no, not everybody has feet.

Well, right, but most people have feet. You guys are not. No, I get it. No, we try to be very PC here, but no, yeah. I love it. No, but right, it is hard. Not everybody, you can't always find a foot when you need it.

Or an Eiffel Tower. You can't always find an Eiffel Tower. That would suck.

These aren't foot fetishes, these are exactly what you're saying.

No, sex outside with the Eiffel Tower, or like with your partner right next to you, to it all the time.

Gotta fly to Paris every week. It's a pain in the ass. So that's what's on the rise. All these are not fetishes per se, but they're like what's on the rise. But you're right, that'd be hilarious. Back to the Torre Eiffel. Okay, let's, um, thank you Sarah. Let's, um, anything else with this? I think we got it. We wrapped it up. Okay guys, we're gonna come back. We're gonna answer your emails, get it, give a quick shout out to our sponsors. You guys, we love our sponsors. We got some new people this month that I think you're gonna like, and we'll be right back with your emails. I love answering your questions, and if you want a question answered on the show, you can text ASKEMILY, all one word, to 797979, fill out a form, check yes if you want to be on a call show, which we are doing a lot of those, or you can go to my website sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen. To the show. You want to read the first email?

Sure.

Okay.

Okay. This is from Rose. This is an Instagram question. Rose is 30. Hi Emily, I listen to your podcast and OMG, I'm addicted. I need your help. So I've always had a high libido. I enjoy sex. I love giving and receiving pleasure, but as I get older, I'm 30, I need more affection and more sex. And my hubby, who is around the same age as me, isn't always in the mood. I would say in a good week we have sex 3 times, but I would like it more frequently. I've spoken to him about it, but his excuse is he works 6 days a week. He wakes up at 4 AM and he's always tired. I take care of our 3 kids, our home, and I work full-time. At bedtime, I try to initiate sex and he rejects me. This has affected my self-esteem so much. Our sex is amazing when it happens, but I want it more and more often. "I just think it's crazy how I assume men want sex all the time, but my man turns it down. Please help. This is really causing a lot of arguments and threatening our marriage from my side." Okay, thank you.

Okay, Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose. Okay, a few things here. First of all, I'm reading this. I read this a few times, as I do, you guys. I'm not just rushing through here. I'm like, what is the— what are you really saying? What's really the setup here? Okay, so first of all, having sex 3 times a week, I don't see a huge problem here. You know, that's pretty kind of average. A lot of people are like, wow, 3 times a week. But I get it. You would like it to be more frequent, so you're not satisfied. And I also wanna point out here that I used to believe the same exact things. I was shocked that I always heard from when I first started this that women were like, oh no, I want sex way more than my partner. I was like, what happened to that belief that I thought was true? I thought it was science that men always wanted sex and women didn't. Did you believe that?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, 'cause that's the conception that like men always wanna have sex and the woman is just like, oh no, I'm tired. But it can be the opposite way too, and sometimes some men don't have that high of a sex drive, and that's perfectly okay, and that's natural for them.

Exactly. And so he's really tired, he's working full-time, you have 3 kids. So first of all, I'm amazed that you can have sex 3 times a week with this enthusiasm that you have, because that would be exhausting. So you're like Superwoman here, and that's impressive. So your husband, on the other hand, he doesn't have that same stamina. He's working a lot, 6 days a week, and he is exhausted. So the other thing is that you're feeling rejected. So there's a lot of things going on. There's the compromise you guys need to have about how much sex you could have. There's this whole push and pull that you reach out and he rejects you. And this is also really common, a common conundrum that many couples get into where one person's initiating and then rejection, initiating rejection, and then our self-esteem gets down. We feel unattractive. Our partner doesn't love us anymore. So you're getting into this loop. But this all seems like it's pretty early stages. 'Cause here's the good news, your sex is amazing. You know, you want it more often, and like, I think that's great. So you still love him, you just gotta really work out the sex frequency. So I think this is one of those good old-fashioned communication outside the bedroom about how much sex is important to you, how good it makes you feel, how connected, and that when he isn't in the mood, you could let him know, honestly, like, I understand you're tired, babe. I know you're working so hard. "but I'm just gonna have to tell you the facts or how I feel. When you reject me, I feel bad. I don't assume this is how you feel," but have a conversation around, well, how would you like for him to say no to you? So that's one thing. You let him know how it makes you feel. I'm sure that it's not his intention at all is to make you feel worse. And then perhaps on those nights that you need to negotiate it on, like to add an extra night or an extra, maybe like is to set the alarm earlier one morning or later at night, like have a plan that either you get up earlier one day or like, there's that date night on the weekend where you get your extra time. But also, I like mutual masturbation because it's a little easier. You both are going to get off, maybe not as much effort expended, but you're both laying next to each other. What do you think about this mismatched libidos? Which is okay. So Sarah reads your emails. We get hundreds and hundreds in a week. Commonly, people are writing in for this, and they're always a little different. That's why it's so good to hear all the specific details.

But I think, uh, first off, like, bravo to her for initiating in the first place. Like, that's awesome. And when you're constantly rejected, that does hurt. And the fact that you're still trying to initiate and doing your thing, like, that takes courage and that takes vulnerability. And I think that's awesome that you're doing that. Again, like, having that conversation, like, in the car or when you're not facing each other, for me that works.

That works, right? That's one of my tips, right? Driving in the car when you're just going somewhere casual, you'd be going you're in the Walgreens, but you're not looking at each other. But yeah, there's that intimacy still there. Right.

And it's easier to have that vulnerable conversation, although you're married and you have kids. So you're probably like, you know, you've done those hard conversations.

Right. Never know though. It can be still hard for people. Try to just stick to your feelings and not what you think it all means. And then just have a really honest conversation. The wording. The words.

And even like the compliment sandwich that you talked about.

Compliment sandwich. Yeah. Like, babe, I love that we're having sex. It feels so great. And when we don't sometimes, though, it starts to make me feel kind of rejected, and my self-esteem's taking a nosedive. So, I think that we could work together to have some amazing sex and figure out a programming.

Or a compromise.

Compromise.

Cuddling instead of sex, if that works for you. Exactly.

Massage night, all that. Okay, good. Thank you. All right. Okay, Sarah, read the next one, please.

All right. This is from Brian, 42, Ohio. Hello, Emily. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have had a strictly monogamous this relationship. Recently, she has started creating other relationships, non-sexual, and spends a lot of time with them. I'm not against her having them, and we have had very intimate conversations about my feelings and her dating, for a lack of a better term, and she has been very open to my issues and willing to make changes to allow me to feel more comfortable and less jealous. However, she has mentioned lately that she might be ready to open up sexually with her relationships. I want her to be happy, but not at the expense of our relationship. I've considered opening up and creating other relationships myself. I was raised in a very strict religious home where relationships, communication, sex, even how to talk to women was not talked about. As such, this has created a severe amount of insecurity when it comes to women. My wife is the only woman I have hugged, kissed, had sex with, etc. I have held the belief that talking to other women outside of marriage was considered cheating. How should I start with creating relationships, or should I? The idea of hanging out with other women, let alone having sex with them, scares me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

Okay, thank you. All right, Brian, here's the deal. Um, I think that there's two things going on here. There's the opening up of the relationship, and, um, I think this is something you guys got to really pull back on. You've been together 19 years. It sounds like she's starting to think about it more, you're not quite on board yet. So this is when nobody acts, nobody sleeps with anyone else, and you gotta like pull it back and make sure that you actually do want this. Because now I'm gonna say point 2 is your upbringing, okay? Even if we have an intellectual understanding of how our upbringing might not have served us, like messages from society or parents or religion, it's not that easy to escape it. Like, you were getting a certain message from the time you're born till the time you moved out of your parents' house and maybe later than that. And the fact that you also don't have a lot of experience in your mind talking to women and you're like, "I don't even know how I'd go out and find an extra person because I'm—" It scares you. You're actually, you know, it's scary for you to approach them and to have sex with them because it doesn't sound like you have experience with this because you've been with your wife for so long. It sounds to me like overall that you're probably not ready yet to open up this relationship. Bottom line. I think that you need to pull back and be really honest with her. I'm sure she knows you. I'm sure she knows your struggles. And I think that if it's not for you right now, that's okay. And if you think it is for you, but you're just not ready for the sex part, maybe you could, if you guys make these agreements, it might be okay to start dating or practicing talking to women so you get that mojo back. Because really, if you open up, you guys need really good trust and communication. You just have to practice that first. So Yeah, right. That's a tricky one because I feel like it's— he wants to do it, but his, his moral code and how he's— his wiring is just like not ready.

He wrote it. Yeah, it sounds like he's not quite yet ready for it.

Exactly. So I would just say slow down. I'm sure that she's gonna understand that and that you guys could together figure out if it's the right thing. It sounds like maybe you peel back for now, um, is my advice. Okay, I'll read the next one. This is from Brad. 37, in Wisconsin. Emily, I recently started listening to your podcast and I really enjoy the topics you bring up. My wife and I have been married for over 10 years now and together about 13. Our sex life has been great too. However, I don't think she's enjoying herself as much as I do. When I bring up the subject of fantasies, her auto-response is just, "Seduce me." I'm puzzled by this and have no idea where to go with it. Also, her needs are very different from mine and rarely wants to have sex and gets upset when I try to be affectionate. "how can I get her to be more affectionate towards me, increase the amount of sex we have, and most of all, what is she implying by her statement of 'just seduce me'? I look forward to your reply." Okay, Brad, I think you're right. Like, here's the thing. She does have to tell you what it means to seduce you. I think that we just say things sometimes, we're like, "Just make it happen," or, "Just make me feel sexy," or, "Just our partners don't necessarily know what that means. Like, really, he might have never seduced anyone. I mean, for you, it might look like flowers and candy, and for other women, it might look like he might think you want a massage. So, I don't know. So, I think that you've got to get specific, and you can also tell her, like, this is what you think. Maybe you could even say, "Well, when I think of seduction, I think of making you dinner and feeding you food slowly over the fireplace." So, you got to find out. And then, so here's the other thing about affection and sex. This is a very common tangle that couples get into. I think a lot of us crave affection in relationships, but we've created up these patterns where often one partner will be, get affection and start kissing, and then immediately they want to have sex. Where the other partner's like, can't we ever hug? Can't we ever just touch? And so, what happens is, she might be pushing away your advances to be affectionate because she doesn't want every time you touch her to lead to sex. So it sounds like she just might need some more communication and some foreplay, maybe some kissing and massage and setting the mood without the pressure of sex right now.

Yeah, and figuring out her love language maybe, and if she doesn't know, maybe have her take a quiz on it. Love it. Yeah, so that you know, because if you ask her the question, "What do you mean by seduce me?" and she's like, "I don't know." Figure it out.

That's not fair, by the way. It's not like some Superman trait. You should know what your particular woman wants when you say seduce. Okay, so I would say the frequency of sex, put that last and then really just work on communication. Get clearer on what— because it sounds like she might not have a lot of experience with this either. Most of us don't. The fact that Sarah's 25 and was able to have these conversations with her boyfriend is rare. She works here. We talk about this all the time. Take the frequency of sex off the table, work on communication, understanding what she really wants, what you really want, and then you can work on the affection and all those things after, which is also important. All these things are important, but you gotta untangle it together, Brad. Thanks for your email. This is from Mandy, 42, in Iowa. Dear Emily, my question is about Kegel exercises. I've tried doing them in the past and not sure if I'm doing them correctly, so I bought some Kegel balls. Okay, so my question is, just by putting them in and not letting them fall out, "Is that the correct way to use them? I'm unsure if I'm using them the right way or if I'm doing the exercises correctly." This is a good question, Mandy, because, well, first of all, all the balls are not created equal. And you know what? There's a lot of people who think they're doing them wrong. They might be doing them wrong. So first, here's the thing about the balls and the Kegel exercises. They're essentially weights. I think of them as like a hack. They're easy to wear. You can wear them. I like to wear them when I'm working out or when I'm just walking around because you're Your body is naturally holding them in. However, that's not the only way to do them. The best way to do them is to also, on top of wearing them, do your Kegel exercises. So you're like actually working a weight by tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles. Make sure you're using the pee-stopping muscles. Those are the muscles that when you stop and start the flow of urine, like those are the muscles that you're working on. Make sure you're not tightening your butt. Sometimes we just focus on our butt too much. The Apex and the Intensity, which I talked about earlier, those do your Kegels for you. You literally lay back. It uses gentle electrostimulation, so you have to worry about whether you're doing it right. But also, here's some specific tips, because I know that it's been hard even at the beginning for me. I was like, do I got my Kegel? Do I not? So make sure that you are identifying them. That's the stop and start flow of urine, and that you're using the right muscles. And then you can do them in any position. Some people like lying down, some people like it on their knees, you might like your feet back over your head. I mean, you can figure out what feels good to you. And then you wanna work on the technique. So make sure that you are like holding in your pelvic floor muscles and then relaxing. And you can try it 4 to 5 times in a row and then eventually lead up to 10 seconds, which is what we do on the iPhone app Kegel Camp. Make sure that you're not flexing your abdomen, your thigh, or your buttocks, really working on that pelvic floor and that you are breathing. Breath, breath, breath. You've got to breathe because I think we tend to like— it's a little like it takes a little bit, might take you a few days to get it down, but once you get it, you're like, oh, this is it, I got it. And then you want to repeat them a few times a day.

Have you tried doing your Kegels? Yes. So what I've noticed too, you said, is that I hold my breath when I'm tensing and I'm like, oh my God, I'm not breathing, how do I breathe? Right, I do that too.

I get that. I know, I'm like, What's happened to the breath? Yeah, it's really important to breathe. And yeah, you feel the strength after that. Okay, so, um, just keep practicing. The only thing I promise, Mandy, it's the kind of thing that clicks, and then you're gonna know when you're in the groove. Okay, you want to read the last one?

Sure. This is from Ruth, 24, Washington. Hey Emily, I'm a lesbian in a long-term relationship of 4 years. Our sex life has always been great, and lately we have been talking about bringing more toys into the mix, specifically strap-ons. Collectively, I've probably spent 3 hours looking online for something that matches 2 simple criteria: that it doesn't look like a penis and it vibrates. That's it. I have nothing against the penis. I'm sure they are very beautiful. However, I low-key feel like the point of using a strap-on is 98% of cases, including mine, is because you don't want a real penis there. If you think about it, aren't most recipients, lesbians and straight men. Yeah, all strap-ons and most dildos are big veiny dicks. My actual question is, as you might suppose after that rant, do you know where such an anomaly might be found? Or if not a strap-on, anything in this line in general that won't break the wallet of a 24-year-old mom? Also, I love what you do with your show and I am wondering if there is anything else I out there like you in the podcast/video world, specifically for the gays. I would love to expand my horizons. Thanks for what you do. I have shared my show with my brothers and according to themselves, it has made sexual gentlemen out of them.

Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for sharing, you guys. Thank you, Ruth. You know, that's a really good point though. I love hearing that people are like, God, my brother has to hear this, or my mom's single. I have a lot of people who are like, my mom, I gave it to her, she's been single, you know? So, just thank you guys for passing it along because I think it helps everybody. We all need a little bit of help with sex and relationships. Okay, so Ruth, this is great. I loved your email. I laughed. I get it. Right, not everybody wants a penis. They just don't. So, this is what we found for you. Sportsheets has some strap-ons that are purple and not veiny. They don't vibrate, but there is a pocket for a bullet vibe to add the vibrations. So you can get that at Sportsheets.com. Go to the strap-on page, you'll see what I mean. Good Vibrations, you guys, I love Good Vibes, and they have some options that are less penis-like, but they also don't vibrate. So I would go to GoodVibes.com and check on theirs as well. We love Good Vibes, they're a great place to shop and find things. So sometimes vibrating toys can be too heavy for strap-on harnesses, You and your girlfriend can also hold a bullet vibe to your clitoris by using a non-vibrating strap-on. The We-Vibe Touch or the We-Vibe Tango are great for this, and you can also try an insertable toy like the We-Vibe Rave. Place it between your legs, lay on your back where your girlfriend rides you, or vice versa. Also, as far as other shows, Sarah Bobi, B-O-B-I, has a YouTube channel with a lot of information about lesbian sex, and Dan Savage. That's what I got for you. Yeah, okay. So thank you so much for the question, Ruth. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, Emily. This was so fun. Great, welcome to the family.

Any last words? On behalf of, since I was a listener before I started listening here, on behalf of all listeners that don't get to say thank you to your face, thank you so much. You've helped a lot of us overcome our own weird problems with our vulnerability and like opening up and sexual things and everything of the nature that you do. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Well, thank you for being here. It's a pleasure having you. I love seeing your face every day. Thank you. And your energy and work. I appreciate it. Okay, and thank you to my amazing team: Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.