Self-Fulfilling Sex Prophecies

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Hey everyone. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, we're answering your sex and relationship questions, including best foreplay tips for newlyweds, how to get your partner to initiate sex, what to do when your penis just can't handle the pressure, and how to navigate casual sex when dating. All this and more here with Anderson. Thanks for listening.

There's just something about the fall that makes me feel like cuddling up with an old friend. And hey, you guys may have some fun memories too. Yes, I'm talking about the Intensity by pourmoi. The Intensity is an amazing product that has made a serious impact on my life. Let me rewind a bit to explain. The Intensity was originally developed as a medical device to cure, yes, cure incontinence issues. You know, like you sneeze and you pee. Because these issues typically stem from a weakened pelvic floor, the Intensity works by applying gentle electrostimulation directly to that muscle group, giving you an amazingly effective Kegel workout. And you all know how I feel about Kegel exercises and For a little plot twist, the makers learned that the product's only real side effect was an intense orgasm. So realizing the intensity was a winning combination of utility and pleasure, they enhanced it with a powerful vibration and a clitoral stimulator. The result? Much more than a sex toy, it's a product that has changed my sex life. I mean, G spot orgasms, anyone? The Intensity combines two things I love and talk about all the time. Kaggle exercises and orgasms. To find out how it can change your sex life, click on the intensity banner on my website or go to pourmoi.com that's p o u r m o y dot com.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's got to have her standards. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexthelmy.com where we make it so easy now just to get involved, get into it, subscribe to the show. We put it all there at your fingertips. You, you can subscribe to the newsletter, the podcast, our social media, which is so fun. I love little snappy chats and the Instagram Y's. And most importantly, subscribe to the podcast. Like I said, you can easily review the show, which also helps us. You could shop at my store. I've got a great little Sex with Emily shop. It has like my favorite pics, like all the stuff I talk about. And also supporting our great sponsors, which we appreciate when you do that. Cause it helps keep the show free. We do two shows a week. Love that and everything. You can find it all@search sexwithemily.com be a part of the problem. Be a part of what's going down here. Because we love helping you.

Back in the old days. Back in the olden days, you just have to like know what time a show is on TV or the radio. Tune in, sit by it, watch it. Nowadays you can be a part of these things. They're on demand. You can actually add content to it. If you like it, it's great.

Oh, and the other thing I didn't mention is we're doing Facebook Live. I should talk about this fbl. We're trying to do it every. What is it? Tuesday? Madison? Yeah, every Tuesday at like 11:30. If you haven't liked our Sex with Emily page, you should. You can also, I don't know, just like it. Because it's fine. Sex with Emily, like. But what I'm saying is we have one over a million likes on Facebook. But the point is live, I actually got off on it. How excited was I, Matt? I walked around. I got off on it afterwards because I was so turned on. But it's really cool because we're gonna do it 11:30 Pacific Standard Time, roughly every, like, Tuesday.

Except for today in the morning, 11:00am, 11:30am Pacific, because it's really cool. So what people do is we had like 9,000 people watching at the time, but then afterwards you can go check out the video. It's a half hour long and people were asking questions in real time, like chatting and asking questions. And then we answered them. And I loved it. It was like seeing the office. I brought in the team. I tied Madison up. It was fun.

You tied her up?

Yeah.

You gotta do this. But do a late night edition and see just how different the those questions become, I'm afraid. Do 11:30.

That's a good point. That's a good point. I could do it anytime I want. I could just be sitting home and be like, I just want to do it.

I feel like doing an fbl. Is it fbl? Is that a thing?

Facebook Live? No, but they should.

I feel like they should.

They should call it. But I was like, I don't know. But I realized that what I loved about it is it was so raw, organic. As Eddie said earlier, connection. And the connection. I feel like you guys were really there and it was helpful. And then the video lives on and.

It was more information until the server crashes.

Right? So check that out. And also the lube survey goes on. I'm creating a dream lube with your help because I love lube and I thought, why not make a lube together? So if you go to sex with emily.com Dreamlube, take a very short survey, takes five minutes. I've been reading all your amazing responses. I actually am reading them. I'm blown away by them. And they're really helpful. And Joe will send lucky participants prize packages worth 100 bucks, like, to 10 people which is so nice of them. So it's good to see you, Anderson.

Good to see you, Em. Thanks for having me here. Hey, and last week you gave me a nice bumper for my new son, and I put it in the crib. It looks splendid.

Really?

It looks so good. It goes with everything.

Does it? Well, I knew that it was part of. That's why I asked if you registered. But you probably didn't tell anyone. Well, there was some stuff gone.

No, no. Some listeners have hit us up with some stuff. Yeah. We've been quite fortunate. And some listeners. We didn't publicize it, but people found it.

I had to beg at you. I had to ask you.

I don't know things. She does it all.

I know. Well, I'm glad, because then I could get you something that I knew you needed.

I bought diapers and a six pack of beer the other night. That was a weird purchase.

Was it?

Yeah, the red. The guy at the register was giving me a funny look, like, hey, I gotta. I gotta take the edge off, man. You know what I'm saying?

He never buys diapers.

50 diapers and six beers.

Right?

Good to go.

Yeah. Parents of America. He felt really good about that.

It was classy beer.

It's responsible. Of course. It was classy beer. So I'm excited because I'm actually going on a vacation.

Oh, you are.

Which I never do. Rarely. I've been traveling a lot this Saturday. Going to Mexico with some friends.

Too close to Thanksgiving. Crazy lady.

I know. Well, here's my issue is that I Now I'm regretting my vacation choice because I'm going with really good friends from San Francisco.

Where you going?

Always go Sayulita.

Is that Mexico?

Yeah.

Ooh.

What?

Once again, Thanksgiving. The Mexicans don't like the Thanksgiving because, you know, a lot of Indians came from Mexico region and they just remember small smallpox.

You think I'm gonna get in trouble?

Oh, yeah.

You think bad things are gonna.

They're gonna start yelling pilgrim, pilgrim. And they'll chase you through the streets.

I hope so. And I hope I have my phone. I mean, I can film it. It would be good content.

Is it a beach community?

Yeah, it's like. It's a. It's a little beach town and it's. You fly into Puerto Verta and it's outside of there, and it's like. All my friends from San Francisco go every year, and I often cannot. I've gone twice in 15 years and I don't often go because I'm busy.

Well, you enjoy that you enjoy, that you need a vacation. You're gonna be, like, very deservative one. And I look forward to seeing you come back all brown and refreshed.

Yes, exactly. I'll be healthy and happy. So there's that. And.

You gonna have any strange dick down there?

I don't know. Maybe. It's been a long time since I've had any dick.

Really?

This is actually interesting for me. Yeah, it's been like a. An interesting process of. I say process of elimination, but I'm not even limiting. No, you always think I am.

I have a theory that it's because you're very thin. I have a theory that vegetarians don't like to blow. Guys are really bad.

That's so not true, Madison.

Or maybe they like it even more because it's an excuse to actually have some meat in their mouth.

No, I've never heard that before.

It's a theory. It's probably wrong. They're completely independent variants.

Yeah.

They can't interact in a way. Okay.

Yeah, no, but like.

Well, let me ask you this. Are you vegan? No. Okay. Cuz Bri Olsen, porn star. Brielson. I think a lot of your listeners probably know Brielson. She was quite put off and upset with me when I asked her the question if she felt she was still vegan, even though I seen videos of her swallowing semen from meat eating men. So I think that technically she's no longer vegan. And she was upset because I think she knows that I have a point. I had a pretty good point there. Technically, no longer vegan. Right. Because she's got some protein semen there.

No, she didn't actually eat the animal.

Yeah, it's about. For a lot of vegans, it's more of a, like, compassion sort of thing. And so it's not like she slaughtered.

A man and then drank his semen. Okay. Yeah. I don't know exactly that we know who ate meat. A carnivore. So I think.

I think she's rewarding a savage. Right.

But. Okay, here's the problem. If you're a vegetarian or even a vegan, then, like, you know how hard it is, first of all, to avoid me in everything that you do and to be like, I'm not having a leather purse or a leather bag.

I know it's tough.

I.

Slowly but surely I'm cutting it out. Like, I. I don't eat. I haven't eaten pig. I haven't eaten pig in, like, probably six, seven years now.

Okay.

And I have not eaten lamb in like nine years. I haven't eaten veal in like 20 years.

How about meat? Just like a hamburger.

I have like grass fed beef every now and again. And mostly fish. Support fish, man. I'm slaughtering fish left and right.

I'm surprised because you're so sensitive. I would think that you would be a vegetarian.

If I, if I spend any more time with cows, they're next on my list. I won't be able to eat them because they're very cute.

I know they are very cute, especially the babies. I mean, I think like in moderation, grass fed, all that is fine.

But that's supposed to be even worse for the environment. The grass fed, everything's bad.

You can't win. No, you can't win. Everything in moderation, you're fine. People don't stress on it. Like, I think you just want to be healthy. You want to exercise, drink lots of water, try not to be a good person. Love thy neighbor. And if you want to have a steak, have a steak.

Have a steak every now and again.

That's how I feel. Okay, we got a little bit of sex of the news here.

Do it.

Okay.

About vegans having.

No, but that would be amazing if it was having rampant sex is the key to living beyond the age of 100, new research found. Scientists studied a village in Italy where more than 10% of the population lived to 100 years old. Oh my God. I have to send this to my friend because she really wants to move to Italy. This is so interesting. And she, she's obsessed with being 100 years old. Like that's her life dream and she wants to move to Italy.

It's a hundred year dream.

Listen. Exactly. What's more, few of the villagers suffer from. From age related health conditions like heart disease and dementia. So the researchers from Rome's Sapienza University and the San Diego School of Medicine spent six months studying the people. That's pretty good. Six months, I like.

This is pretty good.

Usually it's like we need a study for five seconds and a poll up on the Twitter.

I already got other questions.

81 of the 700 residents had celebrated passing the century mark.

Wait, wait, sorry, say that again.

81 of the 700. 700 residents, yes. Only 700 residents, right. 81 are over 100 years old.

I question the validity of their birth certificates. Small little town in Italy.

They probably don't listen. Sexual activity among the elderly appears to be rampant. Maybe living long has something to do with that. It's probably the good air and the joie de vivre on top of all the sex. Researchers also reckon that their healthy Mediterranean diet had something to do with a long life expectancy. And he added, they eat rosemary almost every day, and they grow it. Maybe this something, and that does help. Rosemary improves brain function. They're also physically active. Whether it's fishing, walking, or gardening or banging, everyone does something every day. And this isn't the first time. Scientists have discovered that sex is great for your health. You can look younger, ward off disease. It can also stop you craving junk food. Whatever. I don't know if this totally shows it, but they're Saying that, yeah, 81 people out of 700 is a lot. And a study from Duke University claims that we should all be having around 200 orgasms annually to reap the benefits.

Duke, really? I feel like Duke shouldn't be weighing in on any sex.

Why?

Because of the scandal from a few years ago, even though most of those guys were off.

What? What? The rapes, the.

I feel like Duke should just pipe down.

That was a big one. Oh, my God. Still a very good school.

It's really nice to hear the study, though, because I'm a product of the 90s and I grew up knowing just it was a fact that sex would kill you. We were all going to die of aids and sex was the worst thing you could do. So really hard to get any back then. And it's nice to hear that the trend is moving the other way.

It is true, right? And. Exactly. And it is true. Every day when I look at sex in the news, I'm like, oh, another story about how sex is good for your health. But this one's actually interesting.

The only girl that I slept with back then were suicidal. That's all I could ask.

That's by you. Your picker was way broke.

No, it's because I was one of the only ones willing to give the old AIDS roll of the dice.

Stop. I forgot wearing red aids.

But, yeah, how could you forget? But you still have to worry about.

Oh, you still have to, you know, do it. It's not going away. Okay, so that's what I got for Sex of the News. And so if you have to have 200 orgasms a year, I wonder if it's like 200 separate sessions or if I have, like, let's say between three and five orgasms every time I masturbate, could I. Does this mean that I could sort of, like, cram it all in?

Right. Cause some of you, like a multi orgasmic ladies could knock it out in a week.

But I wonder if that counts or if it's per session.

I would think procession.

I'd like to email these people at Duke.

I would bet like one climax per day, you know, is what you get credit for. You have to climax 200 days. If you do like five in one day, that's only one. That only count as one.

I'm always looking for like loopholes.

Loopholes. I know. Look at you. Only Emily would try and find a way that she could see ocd. How can you. A little ocd?

I wish.

How can I cram in more orgasms.

When you came here? I'm sorry.

I like to take a full week off in December of no orgasms. I like to, you know, save them up beforehand in the spring.

I think a little OCD would make.

My life like a squirrel with your orgasms over there.

I did organize my vibrator collection before I took my last.

How do you organize that? Like from size or like harder to lighter.

Thank you. It's taken me 15 years to figure out the best way to do that. And what I realized is the thing that annoys me with a lot of the sex toys. I keep meaning to tell my friends who make sex toys who own these companies or why don't you label your chargers which friggin toy you go to now? A lot of them have charges that are obviously go to the certain ones they have like.

I feel like they should all be little sexual organs, right?

They should be what?

Like they should look like a little wieners that plug into like vaginas.

Every sex would be assuming that everyone's having heterosexual sex, which they are.

That's true. You can have the butt ones too.

Penis. Penis. Right. But the point is they don't. But I actually put them by like clitoral vibrators. I do like, like dildos, couple vibes. And then on my lubes, I have a thing of. Silicone lube. I have a thing of. And then I have my. My chargers labeled now. Label maker separately into a bag. It was funny because I talked with my therapist once that I had a while ago because I was looking for an assistant, which I still am. Don't everyone email me though, because you have to live here and you have to like want to be my assistant and help me like do things like, you know, find my keys and wallet like 10 times a day.

It's really fun. It's taxing.

It is taxing. But I'm. I'm a good time. Right? But he was like, you know, you need Emily, you need an O. Someone who's like, ocd, like, for real ocd. Like, obsessively organized. And clearly that's not me, but if I was, I wouldn't be who I am today. And we have to celebrate everything. It's not really a challenge. You have to learn how to just mitigate it and work with it.

Mitigation.

Mitigation. Let's get some emails.

Let's do it.

Okay. But first, let's give a little shout out to our sponsors and just thank you everyone for supporting them. I never talk about any product or product toy, anything that I have not tried and that I don't believe in and I don't love. And also, supporting them helps keep the show free. So thank you all. We'll be right back.

I know there's more to life than looks. It's what's on the inside that matters. I've heard it. I get it. But I'm not gonna lie. A good hair day can make everything better. It really does. But here's the thing. I loathe going to a salon for hours to do my hair color. It's just a waste of time. And I tried to do it myself with a home kit. And the results, they weren't pretty. Not only was my hair completely the wrong color, but my bathroom was covered in stinky hair dye that is still there. It's stained. Like every time I look at it, I think, oh, that was the bad hair dye problem. But that was all BMR before Madison Reed. See, Madison Reed makes luxurious at home hair color with ingredients you can actually feel good about. Their salon quality product is the first six free permanent hair color, free of ammonia, parabens, resourcinol, pbd, phthalates and gluten. But enough about what Madison Reed isn't. Let's talk about what it is. Professional quality color available in over 40 shades. If you're anything like me, you have no idea what color your hair actually needs to match. Do you know how many shades of brown there are out there? Like a million. Seriously. But Madison Reed has this super simple online quiz that will help you find the perfect match to your skin tone and hair texture. Their kits are nutrient rich with keratin, argan oil and ginseng root. The thick cream color is totally drip three and smells great. Madison Reed delivers 100% gray coverage and the support of Madison Reed expert colorist who will guide you every step of the way. You can color with total confidence. Satisfaction guaranteed. Oh, and for a limited time save 10% and get free shipping on your first color kit. Just visit madison-reid.com today and use promo code. Emily. Okay, we're onto your emails now. We love answering your emails and we also love taking your calls. So here's the thing. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I friggin love that. And here's how you do it. You go to sexwithelmily.com There is the ask Emily tab. Pull that down. Ask a question. But now there's another box you can press that. You can click type to say like.

I am up for a call.

I'm up for call with Emily. We'll schedule a call with you where you can call in and I would love to talk to you and help you with whatever's going on. We just want to ask more questions. You can also leave a voicemail and that's at 818-ASKSWE1 or 818-275-7931. And always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen. Love hearing from you. Love you mean it. Okay.

Hey, Emily, you should trademark that. Love you mean it.

I don't think I made it up.

You're the only one that I hear say it.

You've never heard that Love you mean it.

No.

Have you guys heard that before?

Well, maybe I'm just out of the loop. You are out of the loop. Don't trademark it.

I'm going to trademark it right now because now other people are going to try, right? Okay. Hi, Emily. I love the show. Me and my girlfriend of four years have recently got married and up until our wedding night have never had sex. In the year since getting married, sex has not been great. It is always painful for her. To the point we can't continue. To the point where we can't continue. Which has led her to having no desire for sex or any kind of intimacy for foreplay is also an issue as both of us have never had sexual partners before. So I have no idea what I'm doing down there. And she's been brought up with the idea of masturbation being wrong. So she does not want to explore herself. I love her and I want to please her and make her feel amazing. So my question is, do you have any tips that can help me get her to love being touched and eventually enjoy sex? Any help is appreciated. Thanks. Erin. Age 25. Imagine, never had sex until the wedding night.

That's why it's kind of dicey, right?

Yeah.

You're, you're you don't know what you're. You gotta test drive.

Some people can't do.

Sex is such a large part of every relationship. I mean, Emily preaches that every week and for a reason. It's true. And if you don't know what you're getting and it happens like this, like this is. This could ruin a relationship.

It could ruin a relationship. But the good news is that they're in the same boat. So they're starting with a blank slate. Aaron's never had sex either.

Right. But he knows what he likes and she doesn't like it. It sounds like.

No, no, no, no. Here's the thing. They both never listen to this first. This is what we got. Aaron, I'm gonna break this down for you. I get. I don't know if it was like religious reasons or personal reasons why you guys waited, but this happens sometimes, right? Not everybody wants test drive before they drive off the lot. Right, I get it. So my first question for you is, like, you said she's having pain during sex. It's possible because she's not enjoying sex or she's not into it. Maybe she's not getting lubricated enough, which you just gotta add some lube here and that can cause pain and create tears in her vagina, which is not fun if she's not. And also I would just say add the lube anyway. Don't even wait till she's turned on. That's why I use lube every time, because it just adds just that right. Kind of slipperiness and it lasts a little bit longer than your natural lubricant. So water based is a great way to start because it actually mimics your feeling of your natural lubrication to just add a little drop that could help. And also, like during foreplay, like when you guys get to that part, kind of like just a few drops on her clitoris feels amazing.

And also I love the Jo lube, the water based lube, which is on our website.

So I would say, like foreplay. Okay, here's the thing. I understand how confusing it can be starting out. Like he's never been with anybody and she's never been with anybody. So you're like. He's like, I don't know what to do down there.

Yeah, well, chances are he's watched somebody. Probably. Probably, right?

I don't know, online. I don't know, he might even start with less. Like he might even, you know, not seriously. Like, maybe he's never seen porn.

Wow. Let's just assume that, like Totally blank slate.

Like, go blank slate. Which a lot of guys. I mean, you probably maybe watch porn or had a. Oh, yeah, right. But not, like now. So first you need a crash course. Like, just crash it on female anatomy. Like, figure it out. Like, either way, like, you know, I could tell you all the things to do. And in fact, we have a great blog, bunch of blogs on our site, but there's one now called Six Cunnilingus Tips to Make Her Moan on our Website. That's a great way to start. And I understand that. Like, God, I mean, I really just want you to slow down in this process. I'm sure that you guys both have super high anxiety around it because it's been a year. And I'm glad that you wrote now because Erin, for a year, you guys have been trying to figure this out, and she's gone into this pain cycle where she's, like, associating with pain and each decade turned on urine.

She really could.

She could have vaginismus. Did you just want to say vaginismus?

Well, that's a thing. And she might. To get diagnosed.

Well, I hope that she feels comfortable going to a doctor. That's a good point. She should definitely get checked out by her gynecologist. I don't know if she has one because, again, I know a lot of people who are.

I had a friend, and he was having sex with this girl, and she was always in pain and turned out to be a cyst. But that went on for, like, two. Two years before.

That's true. She should definitely, especially if she's sexually active now. Go see a gynecologist, get checked out for sure. And so should you get checked. Everyone should be checked out all the time. But.

I also understand that masturbation. Another great way to learn about each other. What you want is masturbation. But I understand that masturbation might also be seen as, like, sinful. And you said that she's not comfortable touching herself. And even some young women who don't even. And men, but mostly women I hear from who are like, I just think it's gross, or, I don't want to touch myself. I get that. Like, I get that you see it as maybe sinful or wrong. So many people were told this. So luckily, there is a loophole here for masturbation. It's mutual masturbation.

Loophole, Loophole.

A loophole, a loophole, a loophole. There is a loophole and a loophole. Mutual masturbation. I was realizing this. Like I always say It's a great form of foreplay and it's a great educational tool, if you will. Because when you're both masterminds, you see.

How they like it, right?

You're like, oh, you're a master. Oh, you pull your penis up and down, and then you put your. Take your thumb and you rub it over the tip. And she does, but I get that she does. Probably doesn't even know where to start. So let me break down mutual masturbation for everybody here, because I know a lot of times I sort of, like, toss it out there and you're probably like, sounds great. What do I do? So what you do is first you gotta set the atmosphere. Atmosphere is everything. I'm sorry. When it comes to sex and masturbation, I will never talk about this enough that, like, turn your cell phones off, dim the lights, light a candle. Light a candle, you know, spray some air freshener. I don't know, whatever you need to do to set. Because it's. Think about it, all your senses.

The best sex, I think, is when all of your senses are truly, like, engaged. When it's happening, right? Scent, smell, taste, touch, talk, whatever. All five of them. If I mentioned them all, you know what they are? Sight.

So intuition. No, that's not one. So sit. I want you guys to create the atmosphere. And then you sit facing each other, right? Like, literally, like, masturbate together at the same time, watching each other. And this will help you guys learn how you want to be touched. But how you do it is, again, you set the moves and. And you face each other, and then you just start touching each other. Now, this might be very, like, scary for her. Maybe she's never done it before.

How's gonna get her to buy into this?

I think he's just gotta have her listen to the show together.

Maybe just, like, say, trust me on this.

She might be afraid on her own to do it. Like, trust me, I've got this. And then she could just start slow. Like, really, like, with some. Start with some lube. You could even start touching her. You could start touching her. She's touching you. I'm not saying there's, like, one method you have to follow for mutual masturbation, but typically how it goes down is that you're both gonna start touch. Touching each other and figuring out. And it could be really hot to turn you both on, to see how it looks, to actually watch you guys get turned. And then who knows? Might lead to sex. Might lead to you finishing her off. She finishes you off. But I Think that would be a great way if she doesn't want to do so on her own. You could also, you know, get some toys. That's fine too. Nothing wrong with toys. I don't think any religion speaks. I mean, maybe sex overall, but toys are not a bad thing.

Yeah, I don't know. I would imagine the religion out there that is anti the toy. I would imagine, I'm sure.

But here's the thing. You both are. You both are not experienced. In fact, like, you're not. I get it. Like, you haven't seen a lot of it, you haven't talked about it. So education, you know, armed with the experience is what's going to help you feel more confident. So whether you listen to these podcasts, buy some books together, like learn together, like, it sounds like you're both at the same place, which is great. And this should be like a fun learning thing with you guys. Like, wow, we've never had sex before. And sex is important. Important. Sex is the glue. It's not just for procreating. And so in a way, it's great that you're both blank slates. So I would just. If you could somehow take the stress out of it and make this like, wow, we're gonna learn each other's bodies together and make it fun.

Because it's been a bumpy road for a year now, right?

Yeah, we gotta undo some of that.

And then I don't know if, like they have sense of humor in the relationship. Maybe they do, but it'd be to break the ice. You could like grab your penis by the, by the base and say, here's how I like it. And then just start punching it like one of those blow up clowns.

Remember those?

Blow up clowns?

Yeah. And be like, just kidding.

And then. Yeah, the boat. Yeah, like one of those. And then she'd be like, what? Really? That's how you like it? Then you're like, no, I'm kidding. And then you both have a laugh. And then you could be weird.

Make it funny. Sex is fun.

Don't punch it too hard.

It's funny, right?

But sex can be, it can be funny.

Right?

Start off.

And there's also some great stuff on our website too. I know articles about masturbation for women. Like how to like, really figure it out.

I think he really might not do it alone, confident, and be like, I, I got this. Which he does now because he's hearing this great advice from a sex expert. And you can say, trust me on this, honey, we're going to try this, and it's going to be great and just be really confident and positive with it and do the light thing and the candle thing and all that. Set the atmosphere and just take five.

Times slower than you think.

And part of. Part of me is kind of jealous of the situation that you're in because it is such a blank slate and there's no preconceived notions. And you can kind of let instincts take over here and there because you don't have any idea of what you feel like you should be doing. And you can kind of just go with it.

Right.

But it's a matter of letting go.

Right? Exactly. Letting go and not thinking that there has to be any outcome.

Right.

There doesn't. It's about the journey, and it's really about sensations. Like, I'm assuming that maybe your. Your wife has probably never, like, actually paid attention to what it feels like to have her breast touch or to, like, touch her stomach on her own or have a feeling.

Guilt. I'm definitely sensing a lot of guilt from her, for sure. And, you know, it may be him too, but the male sex drive, I think is. I argue that it's a little stronger.

Yeah, sometimes it is. Especially you guys have the hormones and everything, and maybe she had to shut it down. And here's the thing around sex. It's not just this couple here. It's like, a lot of women and men are raised with a lot of shame around their bodies and masturbation and feeling good, and we never let that go. Like, we hang on it to our light. We still feel bad about doing certain things and certain acts. And the sooner that you can, you know, let go of these things and know that, like, it's because sex is completely healthy. And when you hear those thoughts through your head, go back to, like, the sensations in your body at the moment, so you can, like, really, like, learn, like, what makes you feel good and not be blocked by negative thoughts.

So I would just shame.

Hold us back. We don't even realize you probably still have shame.

Oh, I. Everyone has shame. I would start with doing what Emily said with, you know, setting the atmosphere and saying, trust me, being very, very confident in that. And if that doesn't work and. Or I think you should also probably go to a doctor and say, you know, we are a married couple. There's pain with sex, which is a common thing. There's no shame in that. And make sure that she's all okay down there, because there are plenty. There could be. I'm not trying to scare you. But there could be plenty of different things that are easily treated that could be going on down there, but you're gonna have. It seems like she is very skittish with all this and that might be really hard.

Yeah, I agree. Good, good advice. Okay, let us know how it goes here. But don't be too hard on yourself, okay? Take the pressure off. That's just. Everyone just don't be so hard on ourselves. We're all so hard. And I know this because I'm very hard on myself. Everything. So let's all just chill out. Hi, Emily, my name is Ashley. I'm 24 years old from Los Angeles and recently started listening to your podcast on Spotify and I'm loving it. I was listening to the Up Close and Clitorite show when you and Mendes said that you have never known any of the guys, you've never known any guys who didn't like their women being controlled in the bedroom. I had to laugh a little and write to you because that's the situation I find myself in. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I've never loved and connected with someone like I do with him. We're best friends and see eye to eye in almost everything, except when it comes to sex. We don't have as much sex as I'd like, and when we do, I always initiate. He's expressed to me that I never let him initiate, but when it's been almost a week and no sex, I have to spark something up. I should mention he's nine years older than me, so he likes to say that since I'm younger, I have a higher sex drive. But I can't help but feeling like he doesn't desire me sexually. I've tried to talk to him about it, but it always seems to end in an argument. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks, Ashley. Ashley, I hear this all the time. Just so you know that I might have been making a joke with men and said like, who wouldn't love a woman to be dominated in the bedroom? But I get that. Some guy or be control in the bedroom. I get it. Like it's. There is no absolutes when it comes to sex.

There's a level of aggression that can be both intimidating and a bit of a turn off.

Right. When a woman is dominant or when.

A woman is aggressive, control, you know, maybe I've seen as aggressive. Maybe I'm being chauvinistic in that view. But when I. When a woman is like saying, this is how I like it, here's how it's going to be. And I gotta have it like that. There's something I've. I've been in situations where I'm like.

Oh, God, right, That's true. But she just wants initiation. She's feeling like he's not desiring her sexually because he's not making the move. And so what I have to say, Ashley, is. First of all, this is very common. Typically in this relationship, one partner makes the move more than the other one. And then whoever makes it all the time tends to feel resent. Resentful when their partner doesn't step it up.

And then you're filling that role, and it kind of becomes a thing. Like, maybe he'd be different in a different relationship, but you guys have set up the two rules now.

Exactly. So what I gotta say is, it's. He does want you. Believe me. He desires you sexually. I'm sure every time you have sex, he's into it. But what we. But here's the problem here. Here's where we're sticking, is that you're gonna say, I want you to initiate more. And he's like, sounds good. And he doesn't. And I'm gonna argue here that he probably doesn't know how. And maybe he's overthinking it or he doesn't get what that would mean to you. And it just might be this awkward new thing, like a new behavior. And so what you do, Ashley, is, in a playful, fun way, show him how you would like him to initiate. Like, what would be. Then he would get it. He'd be like, oh, you mean when we're sitting on the couch watching Netflix and you want me just to lean over and start. Maybe just next time you initiate, say, you know what, babe? I know that we've talked about this initiation thing back and forth, but I realized I never told you how. How I'd kind of like it. And then, Ashley, think about what your dream scenario is. Like, how do. Do you want it when you walk in the door? Do you want them to just start going down on you? Do you want kisses? Like, do you want foreplay for 20 minutes? What do you want? Like, break it down for him and show him. And then he'd be like, oh, this is the time. Sometimes you just need to be told. Because I think a lot of times I hear from couples, like, we've had this conversation. I told him six times that I wanted oral. And, like, he might just not know what to do, or she might not know. And I think sometimes we have to break it down.

Right.

What do you think?

And also, he's a little bit older, so maybe, you know, speaking from a guy who's been 34 at one point, and with a girl who was younger, his sex drive might not just be as high. However, 34. 34.

He's eight years, nine years older. She's 24.

Could be a little.

It's whatever.

But also, I don't believe that, and I said this on another call before or another email a long time ago, that once most guys are turned on, like, they're in. They're on. You gotta find his on button and whatever that might be. You should figure it out. You guys are sitting on the couch watching Netflix. If you go over and start doing something to him, you initiate, he's not gonna. I can't imagine him pushing you off or saying, not tonight, Helen.

But no, he never pushes her off. It's just that he doesn't ever start it.

Right. But if she wants it. If she wants it more than he does, then she can ask for it more.

But she has been. And she's tired. She wants. She's feeling like he doesn't desire her because he doesn't initiate. And I think he just. Either he doesn't think about it, which. It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you, just means it's sexist. He might be stressed. He might have a lot of anxiety right now.

He's 34 years old. He's probably got a career that he's trying to get off the ground. Ground.

The reason why men don't want sex or initiate sex often or have sexual dysfunction, a lot of times they have stress.

Right. We're very like, whatever's in front of us right there in that moment. So that's why you might have to kind of always be putting yourself in front of them, at least for right now.

Yeah, And. And also. Yeah, exactly. And make it easy for him. Just be like when I. When we're sitting here for more than 10 minutes, like, start touching my arm.

Yeah. I don't. I don't know if she's gonna be able to get him to just.

What, initiate it.

Yeah. Start initiative.

What's so hard about. I guess I get for. I.

Cause I. Honestly, especially if, like, if you're. If you're busy or you got a lot going on, there's really never a good time to have sex until it's happening. And like you always say, you never regret having sex.

Right.

With your partner afterwards. It's never like Oh, I wish I didn't just have sex. It's always that great. But there's never, like, I know from personal experience a lot of time, like, I'll have so much stuff that I got to do. I got to do this. This is like there's no time for sex. But then if it starts to happen, it's going to happen.

Right?

But it's nothing to do with her.

Nothing to do with her. He still desires you. And maybe it could be some kind of mismatched things. And I think he's stressed. I think he's stressed about something and he's not initiating. So go easy on him. Don't beat him up for this. But again, like, and it might also be like you need more compliments from him or you need like, I don't know, because her self esteem is shaky on this. So it might be like he wanted to text you in the middle of day and say, like, I was dating a guy and he was like, I was dating a guy and I feel like I wasn't getting enough connection from him. Like even I didn't even want to see him all the time. But like, we'd have sex and then like time would go by, like a few days or whatever, and I'm like a week. Like, I don't, I just want to be turned on when I see you again. So just text me like you're hot, like every day, like you're hot thinking about you. And he would like a joke. I don't give a fuck how he did it, but the truth is he was in touch and that made me feel better. So you have to figure out what exactly you need, Ashley, from him and then just tell him. I think we all want to just be told what to do. Make it easy.

Yeah. And like I was saying, guys are dumb. And he should be sensing that you're having this issue and he should at least once every now and again go out of his way to get you flowers and, you know, set the mood like we said with the last email. And like, you know, really take care of your needs to, to make you, to get you off of that paranoia that it's you. But guys, it's not his fault. We're just dumb. We're really dumb.

Yeah, I say that you're dumb. I'm just saying distracted or other things.

We don't pay attention as much as we should. And I, and I see that time and time again and I'm guilty of it. And I know a lot of guys are guilty of it.

Yeah, I get it. Okay. Dear Emily. Okay, where do I start? So I've been seeing someone for a few months now. This is my high school sweetheart who I never had sex with when we dated back then. We recently got back in contact and we're so in love with each other now. My problem is when we start to have sex, I'm rock hard, but after just a few minutes, I go soft while having sex, I find her incredibly gorgeous and she really turns me on. So I can't understand this. I was married for seven years. Dated someone else for three years after that. I've never had this problem. Even with hookups between relationships, I get really worried. Even the first time we had sex, I kept wondering if I'd be good enough for her. Even though that's never been a problem in the past. Am I just thinking too much? Is it all in my head? I appreciate any help you can provide. I love the show. I've been listening for six years. This is my first time writing you, Jonathan. I love that he's been listening for six years. Thank you, Jonathan. So this must really be an issue if you're like, this is the time I'm gonna phone in my sex limitation.

He was really hard the first three years.

He was really hard the first three years of listening sex.

He was soft.

Okay, yes. Jonathan, this is all in your head. Honestly, this happens a lot with guys. I really think. Unless you've significantly changed something in your diet.

Medication.

Medication. I think that this is a woman that you've had a Crush on for 15 years or something and you're finally with her and the first time you had this little pre anxiety that led to reality.

It keeps happening, though, right?

Yeah. So I think. But it just takes one time to lock down and negative cycle.

He's thinking about this every single day in his head.

Round and around.

It's going to get soft again.

Exactly. So you got to really just get yourself. So nothing wrong with you again. Unless there's any medication, we're going to assume nothing's changed. Except for that your mind planted this trigger in your head that when I'm with this girl, something bad's going to. I'm going to come or I'm not going to be able to come. And you started this loop, which is fine, because just as easily as you started it, you can stop it.

Close the loop.

What? Close the loop. It's fine. So I love that you get hard when you're with her because you're totally, you know, turned on and you're Focused on pleasing her. So that makes you like a great lover. Like in her eyes she's like, wow, he's into this, he's turned on, he's getting me off. That's all great, but you gotta just make sure that when you're, when you're with her you don't freak out. You're gonna just know that I'm gonna get soft. That's fine. This happens to guys all the time. So again, this first time it's happened to you. Welcome to like reality. So when you get soft, you just say, okay, don't make a big deal of it. And you go back to pleasing her. So maybe you pull your penis out, you start going down on her, you start kissing her, massage. And then you're going to realize when you're focused on her pleasure.

Yeah. Don't even think about yourself.

You're going to look down and there goes your rock hard penis back up again. And so it's, I promise this is going to happen. And you just got to keep the positive self, you know, loop, like keep it positive. So when you like going into it, be like, I've got this, I'm in this. Like I think about how you feel about her because it really makes things worse if you're going to like pre have all this anxiety looping around.

Yeah. Then it becomes like a. What do you call it? Predestined, premeditated.

I know, a self fulfilling prophecy.

Self fulfilling prophecy. Thank you.

So there's nothing to be concerned about. She keeps having sex with you. I'm sure you're, you're awesome. This is your only thing and we're going to get you out of your head.

Masturbate to her too.

Masturbate to her.

Yeah. Think about her, fantasies about her. Don't, don't look at porn or like anything crazy. I mean like close your eyes actually when you're by yourself and do it to her.

To her. And then when she's live and in.

Person, and I've said this before, but if you're using a condom, masturbate with a condom too. Give yourself some practice with that because there's a good chance, like maybe the condom has something to do with the issue here. Yeah. You didn't bring in the condom, but condom is a boner killer.

It can be a boner killer. That's true too. Yeah. Try skin condoms. They're my favorite. Every single person I've ever given skin to. They're like, oh my God, I love it. It's my favorite Poly supreme non Latex. They feel really yummy.

Skyne. Skyn.

Exactly.

Okay, self fulfilling prophecy.

Let's not go. This one's gonna go away right away. I know it. Jonathan, I'm so not worried about you and I'm glad you're back with your love from high school. Okay, one more. Hey Emily. First off, love your show. You've given me a ton of great advice. I wanted to ask you about casual dating. Ever since my ex and I broke up a few years ago, I've talked to a few guys. I. There's only been two guys I actually really saw something happening with in both situations. We talked for a few months. They both told me they weren't looking for anything serious. I told them we could just hook up and not talk anymore and eventually I cut it off because I was getting feelings and they weren't. They both kept trying to talk to me after, apologize about how they never meant to hurt me, they really liked me but couldn't have anything serious going into their senior year in College. She's 22. However they both ended up getting into serious relationships after. I'm wondering what is it about me that doesn't seem to be girlfriend material to guys I like? It's really starting to hurt my self esteem. I don't know what to do. Thanks Michelle. 22, Chicago.

Self esteem. She already said it.

Yeah, yeah but she's got. I read this a few times like I'm going through this, going what? Like she's got like this relationship patterns that like they don't like she's kind of catastrophizing her entire dating world which.

Self fulfilling prophecy again again Did I hear you right? That she says to these guys like almost right off the bat like hey we can ban and not have to have any feelings if that's what you want because if that's what you're into, I can do that.

Right?

Guys are not turned on by that. Guys see weakness, they're going to use you for sex for sure. They're going to feel bad about being dicks once they're done. Like once they have their orgasm. But you can't be going in with a low self esteem. You have real self esteem issues just from hearing that little email.

Yeah, I think that, I think there is some self esteem stuff going on here that you're first of all already catastrophizing it and saying you know what, this is my pattern and guys don't think I'm girlfriend material but which none of these things are true. The only thing that's true is that you're way overthinking all of this with these guys. And I get it, you're protecting yourself because you had this breakup two years ago and you're like, I want to know going into this, are we going to be casual? Are we not? And you're like saying ahead of time.

Anderson's right, guys, off.

It is. Can't you just, you can go out with guys and you don't need to talk about this so much. You can just listen on the first date, second date, what do they want? What do you want? And figure out, are you both on the same page? A lot of guys might say, I'm not looking for anything serious just off the bat. And then you said, well, fine, let's just be friends, let's just hook up. Like, that's just so confusing to guys. I think a lot of people at your age, especially now, are saying, I'm not looking for anything serious. And then, oh, look at that, I actually like someone. And you find it.

Here's the thing with guys this age. They're incredibly skittish and they're incredibly horny. And so that means they will bang you, but then they will also run because they're scared because you're one. I remember a girl saying to me after we had been, you know, together for, you know, sleeping together for a few weeks, like, are you seeing anyone else? And like, that was such a turn off to me. Just like, oh, God, she's trying to trap me into a relationship. Oh, God, like just her asking me that in bed. Are you seeing anybody else? It was like too much.

I agree, you know, it's really hard. But I also get that we all want to protect ourselves from being hurt.

So keep your eyes open. Trust your instinct.

Exactly. And you know what? You should assume that they probably are dating other people right now. And everybody's casually dating until they're not. And so the fact that you're, you're trying to control these situations, I need to understand what their intentions are. People don't know at your age. People don't know at my age. People are trying to figure out what they want all the time. And I actually think that you, if you're just a little kinder to yourself and think, you know what, I'm gonna casually date for a while and I'm not gonna try to lock anyone down right away because here's the messed up thing. I think that with the way we look at dating now or a lot of people, is that I'm gonna go On a date with someone for. And sleep with them for. Like you said, these girls would do it after two weeks or a month or two months. And I barely know you. But since we're dating, I'm nervous you're gonna leave me and you're gonna see someone else. So I'm gonna lock this down so we become committed. We can't see anyone else. We've only knew each other two months, but let's commit. And then we're gonna spend the next two years figuring out if we like each other or not, which the other side is. You can date a bunch of people. I'm not saying you have to sleep with them all, but you can start going out. It's okay to fool around. Or maybe you do sleep with them and use protection. And then you realize, who do I really like here? How much do I know this person? Take more time. This will help you get to know yourself and know what you want. So I think that you just got to open it up and start, like, not trying to have all these rules.

At a time and know that you're gonna get hurt. It sounds like you're trying to, like, be a scientist and avoid the inevitable. You're going to get hurt. It doesn't sound like you've had many relationships, like, in high school. Like, this is kind of new to you. Everyone gets hurt. That's part of the process. You're going to have your heart broken. You're going to be very sad. You're going to lose weight or some guy eventually, or girl. Just know that that's part of the whole thing. That's the road to happiness, finding the right person. You're going to. There's going to be a lot of hiccups.

Right? Exactly. And getting hurt is part of the process. And just because these guys did not settle down with you doesn't mean that you are not girlfriend material. So stop bashing yourself.

Date for yourself. Like, go out and, like, you know, have nice dinners, enjoy company, Learn new things about people. Have some sex.

Right?

Right. For yourself. Think about for yourself and not for them.

Right? Exactly. And let me just say one more thing. Even though this wasn't true, you said that you weren't girlfriend material for them. They didn't even know you. You said to them, I want a relationship. They didn't. They barely knew you. And now you're making these. You know me. We always look for, like, the ways to kind of convince ourselves that these negative thoughts we're having about ourselves is true.

There's a movie I think about, like.

Corroborate our worst fears around ourselves so we can beat ourselves up more.

She, like, every guy that she dated, they break up, and then the next girl that she that he dated, they get married.

Good luck, Chuck.

Good luck, Chuck. Guy. It's Dane Cook. Oh, Dane Cook. Okay. Like, that's kind of like who's. How she's living. Like, she's, like, watching, like, now they're in, like, committed relationships, but not with me. What's the deal with that? It's like, you'll. You'll get there.

Yeah, you will. Oh, my.

These guys weren't right for you anyways.

Exactly. And you learn from all them. And every guy I used to date, they would. Here's the thing. I got the same thing where I would date guys, and afterwards they would marry the. They actually. I think it got to a point where they got married to the person after me, and I actually would. Typically, they were ones that I ended. Doesn't matter either way. I think when you date someone, I don't know, you always end them.

You always end.

I did always end them. But the point is, like, you just kind of look at relationships like you were who you were with them. It wasn't the right place, the right time. You did the best with the person you could, and you move on. It's all about learning from these things.

And know that pain is part of the deal.

It is.

I have a very, very close relative of mine.

Is a. An emotional coward basket case.

Okay.

And decided his heart was broken once, and he decided never again. And he's going to die alone now. And it's very sad. It's very, very sad.

How old?

But he's 38.

He's really never going to be with anyone else.

Never. He's going to live by himself and just eek it out. Yeah.

It's really sad.

And it is.

No therapy. Nothing.

No.

Okay. That's right. We got to keep going, getting back out there. Remember that saying which might seem cliche is so true. That which doesn't kill you with that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Is so true. Because all the hardest things that ever happened in my life have made me who I am today. I'm proud of them. But in the moment, you're not. Like, this is so great. It hurts.

Yes.

That's how we grow.

Yeah.

Right. Okay. That's what we got time for today.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for being here, Anderson.

Thanks for having me.

Congratulations on everything. Thank you, dad. Your movie, all that killer stuff.

Yeah. I've been told not to move on any of the perks until everything is finalized. So if any of you got any the perks, check my Facebook. And we'll also be sending out updates and whatnot on your movie.

Right, groupers? Thank you everyone for supporting it.

Thank you. That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I don't know if they heard that.

I. I don't want people to feel like I'm, I'm. I'm neglecting my duty to give you the what you bought. It's going to be happening here soon, so I'm excited.

Congratulations. Okay, thanks everyone. Thank you, Madison. Thank you Eddie and Lori and Jamie and Ken. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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