Self Love is Sexy w/ Shaun T

This is really hard. It took me like 40 years to do this. But you literally have to learn how to walk down the street and be like, I'm the shit. Like, literally, you have to find a way to screen out the noise. Because at the end of the day, the body that you're walking in right now is the body you need to use to get where you want to be. So if you're constantly beating it down because you don't like the way it looks, it's going to be really hard to climb You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sean T is a world-renowned fitness trainer and a professional dancer, not to mention a wonderfully sex-positive man. But it was a journey— I repeat, a journey— to get there. On today's show, Sean T gives me his genius sex and arousal hacks. How he and his partner keep things interesting after 12 years and 2 kids, plus his favorite kink. He also opens up about surviving childhood sexual assault, how he came to understand and accept his sexuality, and the trauma work he did to get to where he is today. Trust me, if you need an instant pick-me-up around your sex, sexuality, or your body, this is the conversation for you. Please don't forget to rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It just really helps us get the shot to more sex-positive, sex-curious people like you. Takes 2 seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on all the socials: Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, X, all the places. It's all @sexwithemily. And you got to check out my new articles, 7 Solo Sex Positions and 7 Embarrassing Sex Questions, Masturbation Edition. These are all up on sexwithemily.com. One more thing before we get into the episode. I'm so excited to announce I'm doing something for the first time, and I hope you'll join me. I am hosting an intimate women's retreat at Canyon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in Tucson, Arizona, from June 27th to June 30th, 2024. And we're going to spend 4 days and 3 nights together where I can answer your questions, have intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure, sexuality, sexual intelligence. We're going to have a special retail pop-up experience. Having all my favorite product recommendations, and I really hope you'll join me. I'm gonna put a link in the show notes. You can also find more at sexwithemily.com/live. Can't wait to see you. Enjoy the episode. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. Spring calls for a wardrobe refresh, and Nordstrom has the best styles of the season. From dresses and denim to standout tops and accessories, find the trends and essentials that feel right for you. Discover new arrivals from brands you Brands you love like Waive, Princess Polly, Mango, Adidas, and Free People.

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Shanti is a renowned self-proclaimed mind and body transformer, motivational speaker, and choreographer best known for creating popular fitness programs like Insanity, which is insane. Have you ever done that? He's got a background in communications, sports science, and dance, and he's inspired literally millions worldwide to transform their lives through fitness. Shaun T's dynamic and high-energy approach, coupled with his motivational coaching style, has made him a beloved figure in the fitness community. Find more Shaun on social media @ShaunT or on his website shauntlife.com. Shaun T, welcome to the show. Thank you. We're just going to get right into it, but you are a I can see why. Beloved podcast host and fitness celebrity, and you motivate people, and now you're motivating me. I want to talk to you. We're going to get into all your story, but let's talk about this real quickly. So you've been married for how long?

I've been married for almost 10 years. I've almost been 10 years married and almost 12 years together.

Okay, so couples are together for a while, right? The honeymoon phase is over, and you got to think about, like, when do I want sex and what turns me on? So to bring everyone up to speed, is that you thought about— you're like, oh, I I get turned on when I'm, um, looking at— when I'm watching media. You mean like watching porn or watching ethical porn?

I'm gonna keep it real kind of person here, Emily, so just get ready.

I mean, I'm in. Yeah.

Also, I am into— like, when I'm— when I travel and I'm away, my husband and I send each other either photos or videos of ourselves because that it's just like so stimulating to me. It just like, it connects me at a different level. And I think that when I was, when I was hearing you talk about conversation and like keeping up with each other and kind of like, how's your week been or whatever, we work together. So I don't find that to be any way stimulating because we talk all the time and we're really close. You know, we, I mean, we're super, super close and we have no secrets in our relationship. So for me, when it's time, arousal, I'm going to go to the arousal state. Does that make sense?

Yes, absolutely. But wait, I love what you're saying because what you're saying is like, we have our relationship of 20 years, but you work together every day. You're talking like, did you get that video up? Or what's happening with the contracts or whatever it is, whatever you guys do together. But then you're like, and this is for someone I got to like be into and be attracted to. So you've created naturally these other things that keep the arousal going. So it makes sense that when you're away, you're like, here's a sexy video of me. You know, whatever, in the shower doing my thing. It separates that, and we need that spark. We need to be aroused and connected. So I think that that's really brilliant on your own. You found ways to keep it hot.

You mentioned, you know, ask how long we've been together, and so we have been together for 12 years, and there's never been a lull in our sex life. I would say maybe a 3-month lull when we first had our twin boys. It was kind of like What the heck? But I was still like, no, we might be fighting a lot because we're not sleeping, but we're still going to get this done because I just don't have time to like have the buildup. So we still always stay connected in that way. So many people, as you know, talk about the honeymoon phase of a relationship. And some people also say sex isn't that important. I'm like, yes, it is. Absolutely. If when we got together, Like, yeah, I mean, we don't have time to have sex 6 times a day, right? Like when we first met. However, I'm— one of the reasons why I wanted to be with you initially was because I find you extremely attractive and I wanted to, you know, be intimate with you. So it was really important for me.

So anyway, no, it's important because otherwise you're roommates and business partners. Like, what's the point? And it takes work. So I love that you knew that. And I'm kind of amazed that you had twin boys and you only had a few months downtime, because what I'm talking to you was like, it's been 6 months, it's been 9 months. It's hard having young kids, young toddlers around. And so sounds like you guys have been through it. But of course it's important and it ebbs and flows, right?

Just talking about ebbs and flows, it's interesting. I think maybe the longest we went— I don't even think we've ever gone 2 weeks without But I think that the ebbs and flows for us is the stress level of work. That is the one thing, or my anxiety, one of the two, because here's what's so interesting. And I promise you, this is so true. Scott has never said no to me. Like if I was in a state of wanting to, you know, have sex, literally never, not once. Me on the other hand, I'm like, I'm too stressed out for this. Like, I just, I don't have time. He has never, ever, ever said that, even to the point where there would be points where he would want to be intimate and I wouldn't. And it was really because I just didn't have the energy to give. And so, you know, in your episode when you were talking about pleasuring yourself is okay, you know, that if you prefer masturbation over being with someone, I just thought that was super profound because unknowingly Scott made a way. Because I was like, I would prefer that, but I also don't feel like doing that right now. So there would be many times, because I just hold more stress and anxiety in my life, where Scott would pleasure me and be like completely fine with that, even though like I didn't want to return the favor. And what's really like crazy about that is like one of the promises we made to each other earlier in our marriage, it's like, okay, we'll always return the favor. So then I had to say, well, I can't return a favor tonight, but I'll return a favor later. So I think that's kind of how we navigate the ebbs and flows, if you will.

No, that is a beautiful example. And I, I just want to punctuate what you're saying here, that it's like a lot of times we're all adults, we're exhausted, we have jobs, you have kids, things going on in our life. Sometimes it's hard to give your partner the full experience and then be like, okay, now I'll take mine. Like, who's got time anymore, right? So to say that you will get yours. It might be tomorrow, it might be this weekend, but to feel that satisfaction of knowing that he pleased you and that his is gonna come. And it sounds like you guys have the most excellent communication cuz he knows that you're not gonna be like, you know, not return the favor essentially. I have a massage table here that I use. The other night, like my boyfriend came over and he is like, get out the massage table. And he just like went, like, he's like, it's all about you. And for like an hour, like it was unbelievable. And I'm like, okay. And now I felt great. I didn't have to do anything. And I'm like, okay, this weekend I'm gonna bring out the table for him. Him. He knows that. So it's the same thing. And I don't hear that often from couples. I think it doesn't really— people don't really get it or make sense. So I love that you are just illustrating this right away because I think it's— we're all tired, exhausted, other things going on. It's a great way to prioritize your relationship. What I love also with your audience, you talk a lot about therapy and how therapy has been really helpful for you and to prioritize it. So have you had that in your relationship as well? Have you guys gone to therapy together?

We've never been to therapy together. We both have gone to therapy prior to knowing each other. And I think that was a really great foundation. Growing up gay is— everybody has an issue that they probably need to go to therapy for. I think knowing that we both grew up gay and me being sexually abused and Scott going through things as a professional athlete and having to kind of hide who he was, we kind of both been through a lot prior to our marriage. And having been to therapy, we come in with a lot of great conversation and like knowing ourselves well. But I definitely want to caveat this to say like, yes, we fight. Yes, we have arguments. Like, we do not have the perfect relationship in terms of like, you know, it's the white picket fence. But back to what you said, we do have really, really, really, really great communication. And I do want to pinpoint that even though we've been to therapy and even though we've never had to go to couples therapy, there are times where even with great communication, you still need time. You can still be upset. You can still be angry. You can still need time apart to come back together. Everyone thinks that even going to therapy or having that perfect communication doesn't allow for you to be able to still have to deal with your emotions or to still be angry or not want to forgive right away. But I also think that that is the great roller coaster ride of a relationship because Scott will tell you, he's like, you love confrontation. I'm like, no, I just want to get to the meat of the problem because I just believe that if we solve the depths of this issue, then like when we get to the next hill and we like, you know, that roller coaster is going to be much more thrilling because we have like worked through something already. But we've never had to go to therapy. And we actually had a really— it wasn't intense. It was a really open conversation a couple of weeks ago. Because I still go to therapy every week, and I feel crazy if I don't. And I asked him, hey, do you want to go back? And I guess in some way therapy may have stressed him out even more because of all he had to work through. So we just kind of talked about him going again as well. Because he's not an expressive person. He's more of like, I'm going to hold this inside. So I was like, you know, maybe you need to go and it'll help you out.

The main thing is, I think when couples like learn how to— there's two things, I guess, when you go into therapy as a couple, you know, learning how to communicate and how to get through those hard things where you want to talk or he doesn't want to talk about it and why. But then also our individual therapy to work on our own traumas and our own issues, which it sounds like you've done a lot of that as well. I wanted to ask you something. So I explore this idea of like sex self-acceptance, like how when we truly accept ourselves, and, you know, that's sort of like have more confidence, which I know confidence is kind of this elusive thing we're always working on, but how it informs your sex life. So for a lot of people, that means like learning to accept or even love or like their body when they have like body hate. But I want to hear from you on that point, like your own journey to self-acceptance around your body. And then also, yeah, I know you motivate people in this way as well. So maybe you could talk about that, what it's been like for you.

That is such an interesting question because for me, body awareness started when I was young because I was sexually abused. Like, I would literally be in my bed at 8 years old. From the time I was 8 to the time I was 12, I would be asleep and my abuser would come in, starting off by massaging my butt. So it's like this really weird— like, I didn't have a great relationship with my body really not till like really, really recently, um, because I've done a couple podcasts and just like accepted my body. And it— a lot of times it had nothing to do with weight necessarily. I think it just had to deal with like the culmination of just like being okay. And I would give you a little point and then I'll go into like body image more, but Even in our relationship, up until like, I would say like maybe 5 years ago, like if Scott— maybe 6, it was probably a little more now. But when Scott would come up to me in the bathroom and he would like touch my butt without me knowing it, I would freak out. But you want to know what's like such the dichotomy— so dichotomous of all that? Like if I didn't feel good in my body, like my chest and my arms and my abs, like I know the one thing that I loved was my ass. So it's kind of like— this thing of like, I don't want you to touch it, that feels good to me. And it was really weird because I really— that was like the one thing that I'm like, okay, if all else is not feeling great, I'm gonna turn around before I get in the shower and be like, boom, the booty's right. And then being able to marry those things together while accepting that my husband wanted to touch me there, also knowing that it is my favorite part, it was very healing. So to your point about how body and body image goes into confidence, I think that you really have to find out there's a why you don't like something about yourself or why you don't favor it. I think the most important thing, especially in my line of work, is that we have been— I don't want to use the word brainwashed because I think it's overused, but we have been marketed to think that a certain body type is the best kind of body type. My husband's like super ripped. He's very attractive. You know, he's 6 foot. But I'm like, if we're walking down the street and there's like what people call thick, T-H-I-C-C, like a thick guy or even girls, I'm so attracted to that too. I'm so attracted to so many different body types. And so I just want to hopefully motivate people out there. If you're looking in the mirror and you don't like what you see because you're comparing it to what you think other people want to see, in addition to that, You might be comparing it to what society thinks that you are compared to maybe your spouse, right? Like, you might— your spouse might go to the gym all the time, and maybe you go to the gym once in a while. You might not be as ripped or whatever. That— you kind of have to let that go, because what society thinks is beautiful is not the only thing that's beautiful. It's just one thing that you know, people think. And I was actually watching this, I was on TikTok the other day and I was looking at this TikTok and that point came up. There was this, um, there was a guy who was clearly kind of like in bodybuilding and then there was a woman who's like, no, I don't work out. And so she got a lot of hate messages like, how'd you get him, girl, he's gonna cheat on you, like, oh my God, she must be a sugar mama. Like, he— like, these comments were so disgusting. And it made me so angry. I couldn't say anything because I was scrolling. I was like, oh, I want to comment. But I think that, again— and now I'm going to be— keep it very real. All these people say like, oh my God, I can't believe that person with that person. Or you're not this, you're not that. And I'm like, you don't look like that either. You don't even look like what you're saying is beautiful. So you don't have it all together. Your diet is not 100% perfect. You don't go to the gym all the time. You've had times where you fell off the wagon. So why are you even acting like that shit can even be, you know? And I think a lot of people dive into this health thing, meaning, oh, you should take care of your body. And she's— but I'm going to be like, shut up. Like, just stop right now because you don't have it all together either. Like, I always say to people, we're all— we're all in the closet about something. Like, we all have something to, like, figure out in our lives.

I heard you on my friend Jordan Harbinger's podcast, like, a few years ago, and you said that. And I actually wrote down that quote that we're all in the closet about something, and It's so true. We really are. We all have things that we hide that we're shameful of. I think it's interesting. I was actually listening to another one of your podcasts that you did with Chip Hoffa, who was saying the opposite of pride is shame, right? And I always say the opposite of pleasure is shame. We often think like, I don't deserve pleasure because I haven't worked out today, or I didn't finish this thing, so I'm not going to like have sex or masturbate or shop or eat or whatever my pleasure is, right? And so, yeah, there's just so much goddamn shame around this too. So I feel like It's shame and it's like we're in the closet about things. And I just feel like that— I love what you're talking about. You're just being so real and so authentic about all of these things that we wanna wrap in here together. So going back to self-acceptance, and I totally get what you're saying, like looking in the mirror and thinking like you have to look like a certain type. Like in the '90s, it was all about like the skinny, thin models, and now it's like more bodies have changed throughout time. And now it's really just like, it should always be what we like about ourselves, right? How we feel our best, how— what makes us feel the most confident. And you're in this field, like, what are some things like I tell people, like, look in the mirror, do some exposure exercises where you're walking around, you're writing affirmations, because I do think it's the way you carry yourself, the way that you care for yourself, you eat, you work out. But like, what is that switch? Like, how does it work? And I also think you can answer this too. Like, it's a process, right? Because you probably have days where you're not loving your body, right? Even though you look amazing, it's what you do. So what are some tips to this?

I think that one thing that I know that makes me feel good right away, regardless of what my muscle tone is or what my skin tone is or if I have a pimple on my face or whatever— I got one right there. Maybe it's gone. Almost gone. But dressing. Like, oh my gosh. Go— if you have a little bit of money, go to the mall. Put— like, wear something that makes you feel confident. And I used to love that show, What Not to Wear. I don't know if you remember, but my favorite part of that show is when the stylist would take these people into the— in front of the mirror, and that's where they would be super emotional because they weren't dressing. They weren't dressing for their body, but most importantly, they weren't dressing for their confidence. So the most— the first thing you can do that you can change right away is go— if you have a little bit of money, it's to save up and get an outfit that's— or a couple outfits that's going to make you feel good because that's going to take you away from just the skin you're in and the muscle tone. It creates an outer layer of beauty that you can design, and you can look great. And I'm like, go to the makeup counter, go get your face beat, you know what I'm saying? Get your hair done, get your nails done, you know, do some things that make you feel good that have nothing to do with like doing a push-up or lifting weights or eating a salad. And so when you start to do that, you're able to— it's not covering it up, it's just finding a way to find your beauty. So that's like the first thing I say to do. The second thing, which is really, really hard, is learn how to give zero fucks. Like, this is really hard. It took me like 40 years to do this, but you literally have to learn how to walk down the street and be like, I'm the shit. Like, literally You have to find a way to screen out the noise. Because at the end of the day, the body that you're walking in right now is the body you need to use to get where you want to be. So if you're constantly beating it down because you don't like the way it looks, it's going to be really hard to climb that mountain. So even on days when I'm like, I don't feel that great, I'm like, listen, these shoulders are going to be up, this chest is going to be prepped out, you lucky I don't have a pair of heels. For women, wear a pair of heels. I swear, wear a pair of heels with tights that you walk in the gym with. Like, another thing I'll say is walking out of your house, if you live in a neighborhood where you can walk out of your house and you walk to your car, those first steps that you take out of your house, even if nobody's out, none of your neighbors are out watching, like, just walk out the house, open the door, and be like, yes. You almost have to act like you walked on stage and be like, I'm here. Like, I'm letting y'all know I'm here. It's the foundation of your day. I literally promise you that even if you feel like really not— if you don't feel really great about what you look or feel like right now, if you say that when you walk out the door, you will slay the game for at least 15 minutes, right? It's more than you did before. But now I want to get to the body, to the actual body. This is where I do the alarms. I'm like, Tough Trainer alert.

I love this.

I'm like—

This is good. I'm feeling this in my body. I'm like, next time I walk to my car, I can't wait to walk to my car today.

You're lucky I'll ask you to get up now and go walk to the car. I want to go walk to my car.

I want to do a redo of them already from this morning. Okay.

I want to get to the body really quickly. And that is, first of all, don't put on your vision board another person's body. Like, this is the gateway to being unsuccessful, I believe. Put your body on there. Put— maybe it's a time where, you know, you felt like a little bit more confident. Put that on your vision board. But here's the tough part. Do the work. Don't be a complaining Raymond. Because if you're complaining every day when you wake up like, oh my gosh, I don't feel good, but you're not going to the gym. Or oh my God, I can't believe I look like this and I don't like what I look, but you're not eating to get you to that point. Or you didn't go to the doctor and check your thyroid. It's not always about lifting weights or the way you eat. Maybe you need to go get some blood work done. Maybe you need to go to the dermatologist because it could just be your face is not feeling bright. There's so many different things you can do, but you have to do the work and you have to be very proactive to make these changes that you want.

That's such great advice. It's so true. We have to care about our mental health, our physical health, you know, being more connected to our bodies. I love the actual embodiment exercise of like, literally, like, I can see that now, like giving zero fucks, walking outside, like not keeping your head down, putting on something that makes you feel good and rocking it. Like, that's so much about style, fashion, like whatever you feel good in, if you can rock that and walk it. And I love this advice. I want to go back to something you were talking about, embodiment, which I talk about a lot on the show about like being connected. A lot of us are disconnected. I think you see that too during your work of training people. And we're so focused on the end goal, like I'm going to lose 5 pounds, I'm going to be ripped. But it's like a disconnect, right, from like our head to our heart, like the way we breathe shallow sometimes. And so what has been that journey for you? Because I know you talked about your growing up and you had sexual abuse growing up. And then I think what you were saying, that when you're partner grabs your butt, that first you might have a trigger back to your childhood, right? Abuse that you said happened in that way. And so I'm wondering what that process was of sort of learning to kind of connect into your body again and disassociating it from the trauma.

Yeah, it was really, really interesting because there was definitely a response, like a physical response of Fear, perspiration, anger was like the first thing. And it made me feel really bad, especially when my spouse did it. I have friends that would like to see me and they would just smack me in the butt. They're like, oh my gosh, it's so amazing. Right? And I would just like, I would basically relive those moments of being abused. But the process of it, it was therapy. And I know it sounds very redundant for people, but it was talking through the layers of what it felt like. And I'm gonna go here, Emily Morse. My first day, the very first time I was sexually abused, my molester, who was a man, tried to put his penis in my butt. So like my entire— that entire region, what I learned through therapy, is like clenched and stressed. When I was a kid, and I'm gonna go here because I want people to really understand the depth of this, like I would not go to the bathroom, a number 2, for like 8 or 9 days. And when I would go, it would just be a tremendous amount of pain. So I went through this entire process of really being clenched and stressed to make— the first step was being able to be like, OK, having a healthy digestive system, understanding that I had to really have a good relationship with going to the bathroom, which people probably never experienced before. Then the next part was you know, accepting my body and knowing that this is a part of your body and it's not separated from everything else. Because my butt was separated. It was a fear, it was a trigger, it was this thing. That's when I really got into the fitness industry and I was like, this is a part of my genetic makeup. And, you know, I would used to joke around with my mom. I used to be like, thanks, Mom, for the booty. It was like those little silly things that made me accept, okay, this is it. Then there was the getting past the sexual abuse when it came to sex. And so this was huge. So for the longest time in my relationship, I didn't enjoy gay male sex. You use your bottom, and I didn't enjoy being a bottom. Like, there was no way I could relax into that. Like, even after I got okay with my husband touching my butt, I was like, okay, I'll do this for you, but it was always just like moment of non-pleasure, but the emotional pleasure of pleasing my husband. It was like so crazy. It was always so emotional to the point where he helped me work through that. And now I'm completely free of like, what you want to do, how you want to touch it, you want to lay on it, you want to use it as a pillow, you want to use it as a night pillow. Like, so it was all of that work and all of that process. And, and, but the phases of it were minor. And me telling Scott, OK, you can touch my butt now. And then having relapse moments of that, of like— and then getting to the point where I would have an internal relapse moment, but I wouldn't show it to him. And that was the next level of saying, OK, like, this is OK. Like, you're not hurt. You're not in a dark room anymore. Like, to the point now where I'm just like, I cannot believe you didn't touch my butt today. I'm over it.

Thank you so much for sharing the story, because sexual trauma is so common. And I hear from a lot of people, like, your story, and then I hear from a lot of— vulva owners who are like, you know, have sexual pain, right? Because it's a clenching, it's a constricting. So if they've had sexual assault or trauma, they have something called vaginismus or vestibulodynia, and there's all these nerve endings in their whole life, like it's painful. And until you go into therapy and understand— for me and for many people, EMDR therapy, trauma therapy has been helpful. I'm not sure what it sounds like, talking through and just noticing the parts. So, and noticing where you have the pain and that it's all possible. So what a great example for people who are still sort of working through a lot of this stuff. Because if you don't deal with it though in therapy, it really just does, you know, whatever you resist persists. And it really would stay with you if you hadn't done this work and had a loving partner that you could actually work through the stages. Because it's not— you don't just decide and then it's gone. So thank you for taking the time to explain that. I do appreciate that a lot. We're taking a quick detour from today's episode to chat with Dr. Lance Frink. Dr. Lance and I will be talking to you all about pelvic floor health. Because remember, a stronger pelvic floor means stronger orgasms no matter what your genitals. I loved our conversation. It was fascinating to learn so much more about penises and how to treat a variety of erectile challenges and their origin stories. We talk about Bathmate penis bumps and how his patients use them for improving sexual functioning. Dr. Lance Frake, you are an expert in pelvic health, right? You're a pelvic floor physical therapist. So could you just tell me what that is for people who don't know, and then why someone would go to see a pelvic floor physical therapist.

I'm a physical therapist. I always tell people, you know, if you were to hurt your knee or your back or your shoulder, you want to go see your orthopedic doctor. And before they did any sort of invasive or intensive medical procedure, they'd likely to send you to go see an orthopedic physical therapist. I'm an orthopedic physical therapist, but my background, my specialty, all my certification, my advanced training is in the pelvis, essentially, in the pelvic floor. So I always tell people everything above the knees and below the ribs is kind of my specialty. In people with penises, there are 12 muscles that make up the pelvic floor, and in people with vaginas, there's 14. And from a musculoskeletal standpoint, those muscles that sit in the pelvic floor are primarily responsible for urinary function, bowel function, sexual function, and then they play an overall supportive role. They just kind of hold things in place.

You work with a lot of penises. So that's what I wanted to focus on today. Is there a typical patient? Can you talk to me about, you know, guy who comes in and what he might be struggling with and how that goes down?

There's a condition called prostatitis. And there's 4, like, classifications of prostatitis, and 3 of them involve a bacterial infection, and one of them doesn't. And the one that doesn't makes up 95% of prostatitis diagnoses. And so people typically present with some iteration of pelvic pain or testicular pain or perineal pain, pain with erections or pain with ejaculation. A lot of guys will report it feels like I'm sitting on a golf ball, like it just feels really tight underneath my scrotum, or my anus just feels really tight, like it's always in a spasm. Some version of that is the typical, I would say, male-identifying pelvic floor patient. This, that fourth, that fourth non-bacterial category that I was talking about is called— it has later been renamed by the medical community as chronic pelvic pain syndrome. Because there's no bacterial infection like prostatitis, true bacterial prostatitis.

And then also penis owners come with you for sexual challenges, right?

Yes, like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, taking too long to achieve an orgasm. Patients also come with those complaints as well. Say somebody has premature ejaculation and they're coming too quickly. So, we haven't talked about this yet, but when kind of backing up to classifications or columns of pelvic floor dysfunction, people typically fall into an overactive pelvic floor category. These are the classical, like the Type A, high-strung, anxious, depressed, just high-achieving type of people typically fall into the overactive pelvic floor category, very tight, overactive pelvic floor. Then there's this other category of an underactive pelvic floor. And this is the, you know, the classical example of when people think of like pelvic floor PT, they think of typically a vulva owner who's postpartum that has just given birth. They just need a little bit more strengthening. They just need a little bit more development of the tissues. So when we're thinking about those two categories, an overactive or an underactive, somebody with an overactive pelvic floor just has a tightly wound pelvic floor that just doesn't ever relax. And so when we're talking about premature ejaculation, when we as people with penises get to that orgasmic state, those muscles have to contract really hard. And so if somebody's baseline level of tension in the pelvis is here, and it takes this amount of energy or tension to get to an orgasm, the threshold of that, of that contraction is much lower than somebody who has a normal or a neutral level of tension in their pelvis. So somebody, a person A, may take, you know, 5, 10 minutes to build that tension up over time. But somebody else who lives up here, it might take them a minute or 30 seconds to get to that orgasmic state, the buildup of tension in their pelvis. Somebody with an underactive pelvic floor might have a— I hate saying the word weak pelvic floor because there's nuances of what weak and strong mean. But when somebody has an underactive or a less developed pelvic floor, it may take them significantly longer to get to that orgasmic state if they have a delayed ejaculation. I work very closely with sex therapists, mental health therapists that specialize in sexual health. Because there's a lot of emotional and mental and psychological aspects that happen to get people to that orgasmic state as well. If somebody has an underactive pelvic floor, and their pelvic floor muscles are not strong enough to keep blood into the penis, that's where we see different ED or erectile malfunctioning symptoms happen. Somebody with an overactive pelvic floor, you know, their muscles are too tight, they're squeezing too hard. and I always give the clenched fist analogy. So if you just like squeeze the hell out of your hand, squeeze your fist as hard as you can, and then you open it up, you can kind of see in my palm how like the blood is slowly starting to fill back in. If the muscles of the pelvic floor are squeezing so tightly that the muscles, they're not allowing blood flow into the penis, then patients with an overactive pelvic floor can also experience ED because they're not capable of getting blood, you know, to that part of the body. With those patients, I do use a penis pump. You know, if it's somebody that's okay, that's post-prostatectomy, I'll have— I'll send them home with a penis pump to help them. Not only— I use the Bathmate Hydro Pump. That's the one that I recommend for patients. So like, I'll send it home, send them home with one, and they'll— while it's inflated, you know, it's one of the only penis pumps that— what is the only penis pump that uses water. So people will, you know, with the Hydro Pump, they'll fill it with water. Their— they'll put their flaccid penis into the pump. And then depending on the model that I send them home with, there's one that has a handball pump, or there's one that you manually pump against your body yourself. And with that, with the penis in there flaccid, and with it pumping, using the water as a hydraulic suction system, it will draw blood into the penis to help with the— to get somebody in erection. And so while they're erect, I'll have them do— if depending on if they're an underactive pelvic floor patient, I'll have them do those strong pelvic floor contractions to work on pumping more blood into the penis, to work on strengthening those muscles while it's erect. Somebody with an underactive pelvic floor, with their penis in the penis pump, I'm really more concerned about their penis just getting blood flow and working on some of this breathwork and this relaxation to drop the pelvic floor, to relax relax the pelvic floor to help get more blood into the penis. Now, even with somebody with an overactive pelvic floor with their penis in the hydro pump, a lot of times, you know, we said that they're almost too strong, the muscles are too active. I'm having them work on the breathwork, but I'm also still going to have them work on feeling what it feels like to contract and also then relax so that those muscles become a little bit more coordinated. Over time.

You tell them to go home and use it. What is it, a few days a week?

In a perfect world, they use it every day.

But no one does ever— I never tell people to do things every day. Like, no one's gonna do something every day.

No one does it every day.

Where do you see effectiveness with it? What's the benchmark?

I mean, 3 to 5 times a week is like, okay, if I can get somebody using it 3 times a week, and like, I know typically, you know, talk about the demographic of person that has an overactive pelvic floor, they're, you know, working. They're busy 28 hours a day, 8 days a week. So like, getting them to do anything is a plus. But, you know, at least 3 days a week, ideally 5 days a week, ideally every day. But whenever— it's, it's made to be used in the shower. And so you don't have to spend like 30 minutes using it. It's like 5, maybe 10 minutes, depending on how long of a shower you want to take. And all you're doing is working on contracting and relaxing the pelvic floor and pairing it up with with your breath and relaxing. If you're an overactive, working on relaxing, and if you're an underactive, working on contracting to get more blood flow and develop those muscles.

All right. So then if they do this like 3 times a week for 5 minutes, even just leave it in your shower. I mean, to me, that's what I do with my vibrator. Sometimes I forget to masturbate or I'm not— I know it's part of my health. Like, I have a waterproof vibrator in my shower. So they got the penis pump and they use it. And then tell me, I'd love to hear about some of the results you've seen from it.

I guess the caveat to this is, again, just like with physical therapy, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach. You know, it's depending on the type of erectile dysfunction you have. You know, it— I don't ever want to set a precedent that it's going to be the thing that like fixes people, but it can especially help improve blood flow. It can help with if patients have an overactive pelvic floor and there's a lot of performance anxiety, and there's a lot of fear around getting an erection, like we talked about the biopsychosocial, a lot of head stuff can really get in the way of how well people perform. And so, if people are using the penis pump and they're getting an erection and they know that their body has the capability to get an erection, sometimes it can help a lot with the emotional, like the mental state that people are in surrounding their erectile state. And if people have an underactive pelvic floor and they're not used to getting an erection because of some sort of surgery or trauma or cancer treatment, can help, you know, not only literally flex those muscles to help with getting an erection, but also help with the mindset around getting an erection and helping to connect that neuromuscular connection that happens between the brain and the body.

Yeah, so it's giving them confidence, like, I've got this, like, I don't have to go to the bedroom again, get embarrassed, be worried, because now I'm actually seeing that I'm building the muscle and the control.

Right.

Have you, have you used it?

I don't, I don't recommend any products that I haven't used myself.

I think everyone would benefit from more blood flow.

Yeah, I mean, it's Bathmate as a company, they have different, different types of penis pumps. Bathmate, it's more focused towards, you know, penile penile health, so size, girth, helping with sensation. There's another branch called the Exerciser that it's meant to be more of like a daily, more of a proactive device than a reactive device, something that you would use as like a daily pump to help exercise those muscles like we would any other muscle in our body. So those muscles. It's kind of like, you know, going to the gym, but for your penis. And so using it on myself, like, I don't have— thankfully, knock on wood— I don't have any sort of issues functioning with my penis down there. But it can help with just general sensation or with, you know, sexual health. It can help improve the size. If you use it before sex, it can help with you know, pumping up before any sort of sex, it just makes the volume larger.

Can you explain that? Because I know it does say that, like, a lot of users have, you know, they do say that has a noticeable increase in size. How does that happen?

So the, the tissue that's in the penis, the corpus spongiosum, is literally this sponge-like material that whenever it's engorged with blood, it swells like a sponge does. And so, you know, whenever you're using a pump, the vacuum, the suction pump of the, of the penis pump is pulling blood into the penis. So it's filling that spongy tissue to its max capacity. And it's not something that happens. I mean, you're going to get a temporary fill of a larger fill and volume after you use it the first time, but over time, The theory and what their research suggests is that the, the people who use it long-term can make actual changes to the tissue and helping with volume size over time. And so, AKA, it can help with girth enhancement more than length enhancement because, you know, the skin, the tissue that we have can only be extended so far, but in terms of length, but the spongy tissue can be expanded over time.

I don't have a penis, but I want to know the experience of it. So I feel like you have helped me and my listeners so much today and really helped here with the understanding the process of the penis, the pelvic floor, penis pumps like Bathmate, why they could be helpful. So thank you so much for your time, Dr. Lance. I really appreciate you. Where can people find you and follow along with all the great work you're doing?

Thanks so much for having me. Yeah, people can follow me on social media. I'm on TikTok and Instagram and Facebook, but my, my My name is Lance in Your Pants. Um, also on YouTube, you can follow me on YouTube. If they want to reach out to me directly, um, I do virtual consults with people where they can schedule one, a 30-minute consult where we just kind of talk about what's going on with their symptoms and whether or not they might be appropriate for pelvic health PT. Um, they can go to my website. My clinic page is flexptatl.com, or if people want, they can email me directly, lance@flexptatl.com.

Amazing. Okay, and we're gonna put all that in the show notes as well so that people can find you and the great work that you're doing.

Perfect.

Thank you. For me and penises everywhere, we all, we all thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

Thanks so much. You help everyone. You really do.

I try.

Thank you. I appreciate you so much. Thanks for taking time with us.

No problem.

God, I love talking to Dr. Lance. Find more Dr. Lance in the show notes. If you want to get your hands on Bathmate's penis pump, go to bathmatdirect.com/sexwithemily and you'll get 10% off. That's B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-Direct.com/sexwithemily for 10% off. You can also find the link in our show notes. I want to also go back to something else. Talking about pride and shame, and I've been thinking a lot about shame in my life with pleasure and I'm wondering if you could just talk to me, like, have pride and shame showed up in your life in ways that you want to talk about?

Yeah, to be very honest, I haven't really connected to shame very well. I don't think it was a part of, like, my emotional state. For me, it was always fear. And so it was like fear and stress and anxiety. I've never been, like, a person to feel shameful. However, I will touch on it a little bit, you know, within my experience, especially when it comes to Pride and being gay. And I think that when it comes to body image, whether— when it comes to expressing who you truly are, instead of immediately saying, this is me, this is the cards I've been dealt, this is where my brain lies, this is what my life experience is, and instead of saying, I'm going to really enjoy this because this is who I am, we go with— for me, it's fear, but I guess it's very similar to shame. We go to the thing of what people won't like, why it is a bad thing to be like this. And most of the time when we go to shame, it's another person's view, it's another person's opinion, it's another person's judgment of us. Unless you literally did something that you should, like, you know, you should be ashamed of that. Like if you slighted someone, if you lied to someone, if you stole something, if you told a white lie to impact somebody in a really great way. Should you feel shameful of that? Yes, because, you know, every action causes a reaction. But who you truly are is not an action. Who you truly are is who you truly are. And so if you never did anything to hurt anyone, you should find a way to change shame to, like, understanding who you are and embracing the other side of that, which is, which is truly greatness.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's true. And I see what you're saying too, the connection between shame and fear. I can relate a lot to fear and anxiety. That's kind of like my default. I always say fear is false evidence appearing real, right?

Let's go, Emily Morse.

Oh, it's so true though. It's like none of this is real. We're making this up. So how do you deal with your anxiety?

I went through a lot. So mostly— so I was like super like tons of anxiety. Like, I would go in these, like, what I like to call tornadoes, and I would create these experiences, and I create outcomes. I'd be— I could tell the future. I probably in my head could have made billions of dollars on telling everybody, like, this is going to happen in your life. Because, you know, with anxiety, you're only going to one place, and you're like, this is going to happen, and you, you try to prove to yourself that it's going to be. But really what I did when it came to anxiety and stuff is What are the facts? You don't feel sick, you haven't had any symptoms. If the facts are reading this way, why are you going to the other way? And so that's kind of how I was able to deal with it. Obviously therapy is like, again, important, or journaling. I know we say therapy a lot. Some people get a lot from writing stuff down, just like seeing their thoughts. You know, when I was younger, I used to be like, oh my God, my friend, you have a diary? And I'm like, damn, I should have had a diary, like it would have helped. One of the first things is really accepting the anxiety, accepting the fear, accepting what it is that's happening and knowing your physical and mental response to it. Because if you don't really connect to it and understand why you're in that situation in the first place, it's going to be really hard to change it. It's like saying, well, I'm, you know, some people who may their heart may not be healthy. It's like, my heart is fine. Like, you know, I eat a salad, but you're also eating pizza every day, right? It's like you have to accept, like, oh, then you have to now start to do something to change it. So I think just like accepting and knowing where that anxiety comes from, which again helps a lot in therapy, then you can start to make an action plan to get out of that. But for me, it's just like telling myself, these are the facts, Sean. And I used to lose sleep. Like every time I would get like a blood test or like go to the doctor, I would lose sleep until like a result came back. I wouldn't sleep for days. I would be like, oh my gosh. And now I'm like, I'm like, what are you doing to yourself?

I want to ask you though about this too. We talk about the mental health and stuff that we're struggling with, but what is the connection you see between sexual health and physical health? Like the people that you've worked with over time, or even yourself, Do you see connection about people who start to get better shape or taking care of themselves, how they feel sexually?

Yeah, definitely. I've heard people say in the thousands of people that I've trained or impacted their lives through physical exercise, it really started with confidence. And confidence is a root to so many incredible things. And definitely one of those things people said, I felt confident, which leads them to where a two-piece bathing suit or just a bathing suit that they find themselves to be super attractive in, some more skin-revealing clothes. And all of that, whether you're in a relationship or you're single, is going to draw more eyes to you, which is going to make you get more compliments a lot of times, which then makes you feel more attractive, which then makes you want to be sexual. And then you can open yourself up to that when you feel really good in your own skin, the next point is like feeling good naked. Because I think the other thing is people find a lot of fear in being naked. It's taboo. You know, we take pictures of our babies like, oh my God, look at, look at the little butt, look at the little feet. And then like at some point it's like, oh my God, you're showing too much. I'm like, why? Why am I showing too much? Because I, you know, so I think again, I believe Not that I say we should all walk around the streets naked. I wouldn't be mad. Not to say that we should do that. However, I do believe that being able to express yourself and express your body is truly a gateway to finding your way through better sexual health, sexual freedom. Like, oh my goodness. I just think it's like, to my point about my butt, like I go downstairs every day. Right now we're staying at my in-laws' house. They don't live there. But before my kids get up, I go down, I do my shake and all my supplements and my pills and all the stuff that I take in the morning, and I always take a video for my husband. And then I get to the gym later, and then I send him a— I sent him a video. And so it's like this really cool thing of like, for me, or hopefully you out there, to wanting to show your body once you get to that point. Because once you have that confidence, then it's going to lead to better sexual health. It's going to lead you, if you have a partner, to want to share more of your body with them, even if it's through media, and setting up some encounters later on. So it's like all of these things. So me and my husband, I'll tell you a little story. Oh, Emily Morse. So my husband and I, this kind of all goes into the body thing, knowing how I felt before with my body. And then it led to— I set up a photo shoot for me and my husband. I was like, okay, we're gonna do this photo shoot. Don't think I'm crazy because I'm always the one that, you know, has some ridiculous experience. So I'm like, we're gonna do this photo shoot. I really trust this photographer. It was— he was recommended to me by whatever. And we had a, uh, we had a photo shoot. We were full-on intimate. It wasn't video, it was all photo, like, but we went through the whole— from start to finish. And the photographer was like, you know, I want you guys to look at each other, like, talk to each other. Then it was the kissing and the making out and everything else. I'll let your imagination flow. And the reason why I wanted to do that is because we're building a new home. It's almost ready. So what I wanted to do in our bedroom, I have all the lights preset for photos that are going to go around our room. And so they're going to be two-sided frames. One side of frame is just going to be just us together, just nice photos. The other side of the frame is going to be photos from that photo shoot where you flip them over. Don't worry, my kids won't be able to reach them. I love it.

It's going to be like on a set when it comes down to like the time, the two of you, it's going to flip.

So, so what the goal is at night, if one person wants to feel intimate, you go in and you flip it around. So when the other person comes in the room, now it might not be a full-on sex, but you're basically telling that person, hey, I want to be intimate tonight. And, you know, then you can discuss like, oh, I'm tired, but I'll pleasure you. Or how about we introduce this toy? I think we've probably got like 5 boxes of toys that we haven't used before. So it's like, so it was just a way, cause I'm stimulated by media, which is why I thought about that, which is why I'm like so happy I'm talking to you. But another idea that someone gave me before is they would just have a little glass on their, like, bureau or dresser or whatever, a nightstand or wherever. And they would have another, like, little closed box of marbles. And if, depending on how many marbles they put into the glass, is what they wanted. Maybe they wanted to just have an intimate conversation. Maybe they wanted to have oral sex. Maybe they wanted to have a full-on sexual experience. Maybe they wanted to— it was telling them to go out on a date. And the reason why I wanted to tell that and answer your question about being sexual with your body is like for me to be able to take those photos with him, have somebody there was like kind of a full circle moment.

That is so innovative. First of all, I mean, thank you so much for sharing that. That is such a beautiful story because I just think that anything that couples can do, like I like to think about like arousal hacks or ways that couples can communicate a lot better. Like, the pictures are flipped around or the marble's out of the jar. I have some friends You just know when the light by her nightstand is off or his, whoever's light is on or off, it shows that they want to have sex, they don't want to have sex. We don't just need to use words to communicate, right? There's other ways and it's fun. It becomes like a game. I want to do the photo shoot. It's such a beautiful idea and you are aroused, but you're also so true to yourself. What I love, Shawn, is that you said you're aroused by media. Now it's your own media in your room. You really are creating life that is so supportive of nurturing your relationship and your family life. It's just, it's really healthy.

Thank you. I did want to share one other thing before I forget what you said about— is it your boyfriend or your husband?

My boyfriend.

Yeah, your boyfriend. Well, your boyfriend pulled out the massage table. So we have two types of massage tables. Um, but anyway, so the second one, but we've— so I used to do this thing I call my— we call it— me and my husband call each other babe Bay Balls. That's our nickname. It's, it's crazy. It doesn't matter why, but we call each other Bay Balls. And so there would be points before where it wouldn't be like a loner sexual, but we wanted to create something more fun. So we would create something called the Bay Balls Spa. This is before we had kids. He would come in the house and he would see a robe on the banister. And if he came in the house and saw a robe on the banister, he knew to go upstairs and take a shower. And then I would create spa downstairs and I would have my media on the big screen TV. I would have the massage table out. He would come down, I would have a drink. We would sit, we would talk about media or like we would talk about like some sort of, you know, fantasy or something. And then it would, you know, so I don't know. I just really liked creating an experience. Cause I found out too many people were like, oh, we don't have sex anymore. And I'm like, oh my gosh, there's so many fun things to do.

So many fun things to do. Fantasy role play. Right? And so do you— is that kind of your role in it that you kind of bring up the fantasy part? Or like, I'm picturing this happening or that happening? Or is that—

Oh yeah, I am definitely the one that is like, I'm the one.

Okay.

I'm the one. And at first when I started bringing up things, like, he would be like, oh my gosh, like, are we supposed to do that? And I'm like, who makes the rules for our relationship? I'm like, we make the rules. And then once we started doing it, I mean, our sex life is so fun. And I truly believe Well, I know you have to love your partner, you have to— you definitely respect them. I know people grow apart for many different reasons, but I do believe that sex can be one of those glue points in your relationship because that intimacy, that conversation, that communication that happens through sexual activity, it creates— another thing that it really creates in your sex life is you kind of get over those insecurities about— I know a lot of people are jealous, right? It's like, oh, well, you looked at that girl, you looked at that guy. I'm— I find it hot, one, when somebody looks at Scott, and I definitely find it hot if he tells me that he thinks somebody else is attractive because our sex life is so good. I know I can make him climax. I know we have that. I'm not intimidated by him thinking that somebody else is you know, attractive. I'm just not. I'm like, well, what would you do with that person? Or like, you know, like, I'm more like, that's hot, right?

Exactly. That is a process. I totally— God, I wish more people could be in this place. I share this with you that I think it's really hard to talk about it with a partner. And I think you have to be in a relationship with someone that you trust and that you're committed and you know that they're coming home to me. And that's fuel for the— yeah, like talking about it in the bedroom, being like, that's so hot when you saw that girl. And it's all hot, but it's such a process. I think of it's not for every relationship because again, if jealousy is a big part in your relationship and your partner, that's not going to be the dynamic. But you guys have— again, you make the rules for your relationship, which I, which I, I love, and which we all do. We all make the rules for our relationship. I always tell people there's no sex police that are going to come knocking on your door, be like, oh, you weren't supposed to do that. Like, that doesn't happen, right? So we get to decide. But it is true that there's so much fodder out there that the thing that, you know, when we say that sex gets boring and couples have such a challenge, usually it's because there's no nothing, there's no novelty, there's no spontaneity. They're not trying anything new. It's like the same old thing. So to always be able to create a new experience by using the media or telling a story or giving a massage is just— that's the fodder that I think a lot of couples need, you know, and the great communication to surround that.

Yeah, I mean, I wanted to say too, I definitely don't feel like it's for everybody. Like, everything we're talking about, it's not. Like, your relationship, you might be completely like, this is what we like, and we like a date night, we like a glass of wine, and we like— I'm like, cool, if that's working for you, absolutely amazing. I just want to be able to open people's minds to the fact that just exploring new ways— sometimes we get into things I'm like, I ain't into that, you know what I mean? But like, I was like, I was not into that, and he was, and we both were like, we're never doing that again.

Exactly, that's how it should be. It's like a play-by-play after. You get in the shower after, you're like, what do you think about that? That's exactly what happened. That's what we do. I'm like, that was— he's like, so what'd you think when I said that? I'm like, that wasn't the hottest part, but I love the part before that. And we like break it down like a sports match or something.

That's so funny. I'm like, when you choked me, I wasn't into that because like, let me just have a minute.

Right. Like, you were pretty good, but the thumb was a little bit further over my trachea. I kind of was going to gag there. That wasn't great. But the choke before that, a lot hotter than— way hotter.

That was a good one.

And then you always talk about and iterate upon, like, this is how the sex life could be. I love that you're illustrating this because I think we're so in our heads about sex and most people aren't that comfortable talking about it, which is why I love that you're sharing this real-time experience, which is available for everybody. Even if you're talking about how great the— whatever the sex that you always have is, just start to talk about it, communicate about it.

Yeah. You know, cause I think that even if you do end up being like, this is our physical action a lot, just talking about something different and having a conversation, if that's your arousal runway, if you will, it can just really get the juices flowing. Like literally.

Exactly. The arousal runway that shows all about like how we get turned on because it's not just going to like hit you over the head anymore like it did the first 2 months of the relationship, which is super inspirational. Okay. I love this. I talk a lot as an educator. We're both educators here, but as sex educator, I didn't have a lot of great sex ed. I don't know about you, but it was all fear-based, like don't get pregnant, don't get an STD, don't have sex. What do you think that is important for young people? You talk to your kids about what do we think we need to understand more about sex and sexuality? Body right now?

I think kind of questions you asked me before, which is really finding a healthy relationship with your body. That is the foundation, because once you have a healthy relationship with your body, you start to respect your body, you start to know what your body wants, you really start to know what you're attracted to, you really start to know whether you, you're not a pleaser and pleasure yourself. Then you get to going into— once you have like that foundation, then if you get a partner, you kind of have that confidence already set. Of course, there's like, oh my gosh, is this person attracted to me, or do they find me hot? There's always going to be a little bit of that, but at least you have a foundation and you'll be able to let them, you know, explore with you, if you will.

Um, that's so good.

You know, I just think that like just having that foundation is just, is key. But I think when it comes to younger people, like, having that respect for yourself in some ways can eliminate the fear because you're like, well, when— of course we learn about STDs, but I don't want that. But you know what, you might get to a situation— I know plenty of people that had to run to the clinic, you know. And I also believe that the reality is, and this is most people don't talk about this because they talk about like, oh, don't get an STD. The reality is if you're super sexual and you don't use protection or you trusted somebody and the reality is you might have to run to the clinic. And, you know, I just call it the clinic. That's what we used to call it when I was younger. And it's a part of the sex. It's the part of the sex life. But you decided to do this action. But the respect factor will help you get to a point where you can eliminate that thing. So like really be able to talk to someone you're going to be intimate with and decide when being unprotected is going to be best for you. It's like there's so many different levels and layers to you being able to communicate with a person to, you know, kind of eliminate what people have put out there to be fearful. But I do believe it starts with knowing your body, respecting your body, loving your body, being able to pleasure yourself. And then when someone else comes into the mix, really helping them understand you. Because here's the thing, If you're going to be intimate with somebody and you ask them a lot of questions and you ask them questions about respect, you ask them questions about what they're into, usually the person that— usually, unless they're like a psychopath— usually the person that wants to answer these questions and really dive in and not be afraid, they're the person that's going to respect your body the most. If they're just like, why are you asking all these questions? Like, let's just get it in, then you're kind of like, well, maybe that's not somebody I really want to be with. That's how I feel. The foundation of what we need to teach people.

That is such great advice. It's so true. Let's teach you how to respect each other. Let's, let's teach how to have conversations about sex without the fear. And I love what you're saying is the partner that's asking all the questions is probably the one that you want to be with. You know, I believe that. So that is such great advice. Thank you for that, Shanti. You're awesome. Thank you so much for all of your advice here. And talking to you about all of this, I want to ask you the quickie questions. We ask each guest the 5 quickie questions. Ready?

You can ask me anything you want.

Okay, baby. I know that now. I feel like I want to mix them up for you, but these are the same questions. Ready? What's your biggest turn-on?

Oh, can I be really honest on this podcast?

Yes. It's sex with Emily.

My biggest, my biggest, biggest turn-on is like I'm a voyeur. Like seeing Scott with someone else. That is like real-life media. Because I find him to be so incredibly attractive that a lot of times we're like this. And sometimes being able to watch like this, I'm like, amen. That's probably not the thing I should be saying to that. But—

No, I love it. I get that. That's hot. Biggest turn-off?

Oh, hygiene. Bad hygiene. And honestly, my second biggest turn-on and my second biggest turn-off is like, when someone's not kind. Like, I feel like if you're going to be with somebody, if you're a really nice person, I'm super, super turned on, which is why I think I'm really— I want to read— I fell in love with Scott. I'm super turned on. But if you're just like cocky and not— I'm like, it's an immediate turnoff. Immediately.

Yeah, I got you. What makes good sex?

Oh my gosh. I think what makes good sex for me is having control and being able to slow everything down, whether it's kissing, whether it's oral, whether it's intercourse, whether it's watching something. Like, the slower you go, the longer it can last. And the more I just feel like if someone's like rushing, I tell Scott, I call people jackrabbits. I'm like, you're a jackrabbit. You just want to rush through everything. I'm like, this is boring. You know, slow down. Like, let's enjoy the moment. You know what I'm saying?

Oh my God. We're so— honestly, we are like seriously very, very similar. It's exactly it. I always say my best sex advice, go 5 times slower. Like, slow down.

Right.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

It's going to be okay. I think like just telling myself younger, like, it's going to be okay. You don't have to stress through the experience, kind of just let go and have a good-ass time.

God, I want to tell myself that today. I think we tell each other that every day too, right? Okay. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

I wish that everyone knew their most heightened way to orgasm is, and the reason why— I love how you're giggling, giggling at me. The reason why It's because if you can tell your spouse how you like to climax, or if you know how to make it— I mean, it is, I'm telling you, like, because some people are like, oh, I came, or I didn't come, or like, oh my gosh. And I'm like, wait a minute, find out the way you know how to climax the best. Like, try 18,000 different ways, but when you get to that one where you are going to be like, Oh my goodness.

Oh my God. Sex with Sean is this show. Sex with Sean and Emily Morse. This is amazing. Oh, you are awesome. You are so talented and sexually motivational, not just in your industry. Amazing. Thank you so much, Sean, for being here. What's going on with you? Where can people find you? What are you excited about?

You know, just follow me on Instagram or one of my social media pages @Shanti and Matt will follow, follow you there.

We'll find you in all those places. Thank you for your time. I appreciate you so much. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner.

Partner.

You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook, all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.