Sensible Sex Ed with Liz Goldwyn

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I do think when you asked what has sort of been my vibe in the last couple years, it really is spirituality and sexuality. It really is breath work, it's meditation. I wish that when I was a little girl, someone had really told me to understand my own pleasure in my own body before I gave someone else access to it. Because I think even as adults I see a lot of people expecting someone else to tell them what gives them pleasure. Instead of taking that time with themselves and tuning in, really looking at, well, do. How do I look at my body and my sexuality? Do I treat it as sacred? And that doesn't mean you need to be celibate or take a vow of chastity at all. It just means to be conscious that sexual energy is very powerful.

Exactly.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm joined by founder of the Sex Ed, Liz Goldwyn to talk about getting past sexual shame and stigmas. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include why teaching kids and teens about their bodies and masturbation can help them have more self esteem and safer sex lives. What the current sex and dating climate is like. Post. Me too. How to get past the fact that your boyfriend has broken a masturbatory boundary and getting comfortable watching porn with your partner when you're sober. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standard. Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and you can find us on all social media. It is exwithemily across the board. Also intentions with Emily. So this year I'm starting out asking you to set an intention for this show. I'm doing it. I encourage you to do the same. And what I mean by this is, like, when you're listening or right now, think about, what do I want to get out of listening to this podcast, this episode? How can it help you? It could be as simple as, like, I don't want to know what the deal is with all these sexual taboos. Or it could be like, I really want to feel more comfortable with sex and my body by letting go of old messages that no longer serve me. My intention for the show was just to give you some insight as to how the cultural sexual landscape is changing. All right, guys, enjoy the show. So excited. My guest here, Liz Goldwyn.

Yes.

Thank you for being here. Liz Goldwyn.

She's.

She has a podcast, a website called the Sex ed and a podcast. And you're a filmmaker and you've been an author. You just gave me one of your beautiful books and you've had a podcast out two seasons. Two seasons where you've talked to a lot of people. I was like, looking at topics like people with disabilities, the lives and rights of sex workers, tantric sex. Sex and cannabis. Love that topic. Love cannabis. Such a fan of cannabis. We could talk about that Sex, right? Submatrix. I could go on. I know you've dedicated your life to exploring human sexuality and all these modalities and mediums, which is amazing. And we're gonna get it. So, Liz, thank you for being here.

Thank you.

Okay, so I'm gonna fill you in for a second. So we just had Denise called, she's 45 in California, and she was saying that her 11 year old daughter, she's been listening to the show and that her 11 year old daughter, she's like, how do I talk to her? Because she did come to me. She's like, I listened to you, Emily. And she told me she was touching herself. So I said to her, you know, don't put your fingers inside. But how do you talk to young girls about masturbation? Because I believe that we don't talk to kids enough about pleasure and sex. And so what I just want. And I'd love to hear you, you know, I said, you have to explain. We don't, young girls don't know about their body parts and pleasure and the clitoris and masturbation. You can explain to her, you know, these things and she's like, but how do I get into all of. I think the most important thing is just to emphasize privacy, that no one else can touch you in that way. Be like proactive. Because I don't think that's a one time talk. You have to continue to talk. So you have to think, ew, mom, I don't want to hear about it. But you keep going. And then like expand the conversation. Keep the conversation going. And it's privacy, it's for your pleasure. Do it in your room, ask me questions. And you keep talking to your kids about it. Like you're talking about nutrition.

Yeah. I think also as parents, you have to unpack your own shame before you have this conversation.

Exactly.

Because, you know, two things. One, I think a lot of times we say, don't do it, don't touch yourself. And that immediately sends the message that it's wrong, it's dirty. So you kind of got to look at yourself and get real comfortable. And then, you know, when I think of the movies that I saw growing up, like the teen movies, it was all about boys masturbating, American pie, etc. There was nothing that was celebrating women masturbating. So I think it's really important to teach girls and all kids from a very early age to love their body, that their body is natural and human. I mean, my cat spends a lot of time licking his balls, his anus, all the time, and he's totally relaxed about it.

Exactly.

You know, it's normal. Whatever you're doing in the privacy of your own room is. Okay.

Exactly. That's exactly. That's exactly it. I love it. Okay. So, Liz Goldwyn, thank you for being here. You can find you at the sex ed.

Yep.

So what happened? Did you grow up knowing about masturbation? I do know that you worked at Planned parenthood at age 13.

I did, yeah. My mom is super feminist, so she was on the board of Planned Parenthood. You know, gave me Simone de Beauvoir and Betty Friedan books when I was a kid. And then my father was a total Playboy and I would steal his Playboy magazines. So I kind of had both extremes growing up. And that said, as liberal as they were about sex, neither of them ever sat me down and had that intimate conversation about masturbation, about what would it be like to lose my virginity or when should I do it? Because again, I think parents, even if intellectually, you know, they understand this topic, it's really uncomfortable to talk about.

Exactly. That's exactly it. So you come from this family that really. I think that is such a great point that we are just all learning now as a culture that we have to do it with porn. And there's all these things, all these reasons why the conversation's happening a lot sooner. But parents aren't prepared yet because they haven't done that work. Many haven't.

I mean. And most humans haven't.

Most humans, yeah. That's why I say I always have a job. Like the phones people call in, they've never talked to themselves even. They never faced it. They were shamed once when they were eight.

Sex, death, and religion, I think, are the three subjects that make people the most uncomfortable. And the sex ed is about sex, health, and consciousness. So we actually cover a lot of spirituality, religion, and often a lot of our subjects on the podcast have brought up death as well, and preparations for death. Barbara Karellis, you mentioned Tantra, who's the author of Urban Tantra. She also has done guiding people to prepare for death. And we know an orgasm is a little death.

Yes, exactly.

So, you know, there's these. There are these things that we all have to deal with, these messy human real life issues. And we don't, you know, deconstruct them.

No, we don't. We don't. Is that what so you feel like? I love Barbara Kallis. She was on the show as well, and I loved. I think Tantra could heal the world.

I do Too. I mean, I think it's breath. Breath.

It's sex, focus, connection. But also sex.

Not just sex. For me also that's key I think with kids too, is that sex doesn't need to be something you have with another person. Sex doesn't need to include penetration. Sex is also your energy source.

Energy.

Yeah, you know, it's your Kundalini energy.

Exactly. I would love to talk to. That's what I want. That's what I'm talking about. But then I'm trying to get everyone else to think. I'm not like, I haven't lost my mind. Right. We're not all woo wee like California.

But this is not woowee California. This is really ancient shit.

Ancient shit. It's been around long time for all of us. So there you go. But I think you're right. Have you practiced. So have you on in your journeys from Planned Parenthood to now? Like what or. Yeah. What have you discovered specifically in the last two years of getting into this podcast and interviewing people? How is that? What have you learned in this journey?

Well, I actually bought the domain names for the sex ed, which is our. Because we have a multi platform media website. So we have essays by experts. We do live talks and events and we have the podcast and I bought the domain names in 2008. So it was a uphill battle. I've written two books around sexuality my entire career. People were like, why do you care about dead strippers? Why do you care about dead sex workers? So we're just now coming to a time in the last two years. Trump, MeToo, time's up. Where essentially we have situations where corporations are making massive payouts to people because they've gotten into these Me too. Situations. So culturally we realize, oh shit, we better start talking about these subjects.

Exactly.

So one, I'm so grateful that I'm allowed, like there's an acceptance of us all speaking about these things now. I'm so grateful that there are people. I see so many young people wanting to go into the field of sex education, which is a very new thing. I think that it's like almost trending that sexual wellness is trending. The one fear I have with that is that we again, we have to include sex workers in the conversation.

We do.

We have to. We cannot ostracize people who are adult performers either. You know, we can't just like clean it all up.

No, we can't. There's so much. So I'm so glad you're doing this and that you're covering all of these things, because you're right, it's. It's very. We've never talked about it. And now it's thrust into the scene and everyone has to deal, has to deal with it and have uncomfortable conversations with their kids. I just remember the first time I remember was like Bill Clinton getting a blowjob in the White House. And all of a sudden parents are like, here's what it means. This is what's on her dress. Monica Lewinsky. But now it's like in the forefront in so many ways for so many reasons. Because of porn. I just remember, like the first time I was like, holy shit, you got to talk to your kids about that. But right now. So how do you feel like, let's talk about MeToo, for example. How do you think that has changed the landscape in the last year? Do you feel it in the people you talk to and what you're doing in your day to day life?

Definitely. Especially in Hollywood. I mean, I think that there's. People are sort of in the same way that with diversity, for example, that a lot of corporations are almost shamed into at least publicly doing the right thing. You see that in Hollywood. I think we have yet to see it in a lot of other industries like music, the art industry, fashion industry. It's been very difficult to take people to task. And even, you know, I've been in situations in Hollywood, for example, where I've had to leave a project because I've been sexually harassed. And when I think of like the fact that I walked away from something and I walked away from my writer's guild health insurance because I didn't have an avenue to speak up. And that was in 2016.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, right. Sort of spring that year, we wouldn't.

Have had anywhere to go.

Such a huge change.

Exactly.

So now I would have a place to go. So I do think that that's changed a lot. That's given people a lot of permission. But at the same time, I'm noticing a real backlash about people saying, oh, you know, there's too much wokeness. Everybody is so woke, you can't tell a joke anymore. And I hate when maybe the jokes weren't that funny.

Come up with new material.

You're not allowed to flirt. Yeah, I'm not allowed to touch you.

You know, maybe that's a good thing.

I think, right.

Then you ask for consent. What about consent? Having the conversations about all of those things with your partners, with your kids. So I think it's. Now, what about your own? Are you in A relationship now, are you.

I'm.

I don't know your sitch.

I was. I got married very young, actually, so I was at planned parenthood at 13. I met my ex husband when I was 18, and I was with him for 13 years.

Okay.

And I was also making a documentary which I sold to HBO in my first book on burlesque. So I kind of had this. And this was about the burlesque queens who were the big stars of the 1930s and 40s. The last generation of American burlesque queens called Pretty Things. The book and the film. So I was learning about sexuality from these women who at the time were in their late 70s, 80s and early 90s as this young, married, monogamous woman. My entire 20s.

And you're like, oh, I'm just bored. What happened?

No, I wasn't. The sex was actually really great till the end. That was. I was just. You're just a very different person from 18 to 30. So I kind of had like an interesting entree into it where I was like kind of a 1950s housewife at heart, but then, you know, really interested in this subject and interested in exploring. Yeah, I went through a divorce in my early 30s, was the first time I really dated anyone.

So then how did. Okay, so you started dating in your early 30s and then you started doing more.

Well, I remember, like, I have four brothers, and I remember one of my brothers taking my phone and going through and seeing what men were texting me. And. And I remember him saying to me, you can't answer people back after 10 o' clock at night. And I was like, what are all these rules? And like, who gave. Did I miss the day that they handed out the guidebook? Because I don't believe in all of that at all. But yeah, it was really interesting just not having a primer for any of that.

I love that you. Okay, can we go back to your burlesque for a minute? Because I love that you studied burlesque and I think it's very misunderstood. And it's such a beautiful, like to watch burlesque dancers, to go to an. To experience it. Performance, sex, clothing, fashion, all those things. So what. What was it you were talking to these women? Like, what a great. What an amazing project.

I got into it actually through photography and the clothing and their costumes. I was in art school in New York City as a photography major at School of Visual Arts, and I was working for Sotheby's fashion department, and I started collecting these burlesque costumes. And because I was at an auction house and knew all the dealers in museums worldwide. No one else was collecting this stuff. So whenever it would come up for auction, they would call me and I was like, well, there must be a book about this, because I'm a nerd who likes to spend time in the library. So I go, and there's no book written about these, about burlesque queens. So I was like, okay, I guess I have to write it.

Guess I must do this.

So I tracked down all these women, you know, who had been these big stars. A lot of them were hesitant at first about speaking to me, especially on camera, because they made their career out of their youth and their beauty and their body. So it was amazing. It was amazing.

How did they react about their. Did they have anything to say about being, like, sexually healthy or how they felt about sex?

Absolutely. But, you know, at the time, this is in the late 90s, it's a different time when I was starting this work. So burlesque, there wasn't Pussycat Dolls yet.

Right.

And burlesque wasn't a word that we now know. It was not, like, popular. So they hadn't been of, like, re accepted. So they had felt very shamed for their career by their peers at their time. So it was, you know, they had a lot of. Yeah, they were very hesitant to go back into the spotlight and discuss it. And some of them had gotten into it. Some of them had just wanted to be in showbiz. Some of them had been abused. Some of them had done sex work. So it was like kind of all the things.

Kind of is all the things.

A lot of different experiences across the board.

Well, that's what I love, is that you had that conversation in the late 90s, and now you're having the conversation with people in the same way going into their lives. And some people who work. How. How has that conversation changed? You're talking to, you know, sex workers. You're talking with a bunch of different people. How is it?

I'm talking also with, you know, we've had. On the. On this. This last season, we had Natasha Lyonne, who's an actress and really old friend of mine, Nick Kroll and Andrew Goldberg.

Who have big mouth.

Yeah. Such a great show.

So well done. That's what I want to tell parents to watch. I mean, I think kids, people. People with kids, teenagers can watch it with them.

I love it. There's so many good shows on right now. Sex education is great on Netflix. Pen15. Have you seen that show on hu. So great. Yeah, I think There's a lot of good content right now that kids can watch and have conversations with their parents about.

Yeah, I think that the dialogue around it is definitely changing, for sure. Like, we're seeing people, like, more open. We're talking about pleasure. You know, we're talking about there's all these sex toys being sold everywhere and different. I just think that we're more open now. Women are like, if we are not going to be with me too and everything. That's the reaction that I'm seeing. I'm seeing that there's more. There's more information now available for women about sexual health and wellness. And I think it's just a. There's more products for women, there's more. People are innovating, like period or Thinx or all the things that are happening. All the. I've been doing this for 15 years. You've been working it for a long time too. So you've probably seen in the last, even just five years, the way we're innovating about these basic. About sexual health to make things more pleasurable for women.

And I don't think we've even scratched the surface of the pleasure potential. And I, I do think when you asked what has sort of been my vibe in the last couple years, it really is spirituality and sexuality. It really is breath work, it's meditation. It's. I wish that when I was a little girl, someone had really told me to understand my own pleasure in my own body before I gave someone else access to it. Because I think even as adults, I see a lot of people expecting someone else to tell them what gives them pleasure. You know, instead of taking that time with themselves and tuning in the way that, you know, and, and really looking at, well, how, how do, how do I look at my body and, and my sexuality? Do I treat it as sacred? And that doesn't mean you need to be celibate or take a vow of chastity at all. It just means to be conscious that sexual energy is very powerful.

Exactly. Teaching people, I always say, you know, young girls, but everyone, men and women, about your own bodies. You have to do that work on your own, and then you get to bring it to a partner. So I, I want to hear more about how you would define, because I, I do often talk to you about breathing during sex and meditation. And, and I agree with all those things you're saying about it. I think that is such the cornerstone to it. When we learn how to breathe and we learn how to meditate. But how about sexual energy? Like, how would you even explain that, Liz? I'm putting it to you.

Yeah, no, I think, I think sexual energy.

Liz Goldwyn.

I think sexual energy is super powerful. One thing that.

Let's talk about how to explain it. Yeah.

The conversation that I've been having a lot lately with people is about periods of self imposed celibacy as a way to maybe cleanse the palate, to reclaim your energy after a traumatic experience or after a breakup to help start healthy pattern, healthier patterns. Maybe you're using sex the way that you would use food or drugs or alcohol as a way to escape loneliness or the void. I think a lot now that sex has become so transactional, especially with dating apps. No shame in it, but just, are you reaching to that other person because you're feeling insecure, you're feeling bad about yourself? Or is it, do you, do you trust that person? Have you had a conversation, for example, are you comfortable enough with that person that you're being that intimate with that you're exchanging bodily fluids with, that you've actually discussed it? And I think a lot of people are having sex without having those conversations. Most people, and they don't realize that sexual energy is super powerful. And this is about to sound very California hippie dippy, but literally, if you're engaging in heteronormative sex, if you're being penetrated, you are literally taking on someone's energy. I don't let people bring their shoes in my house.

Right.

Okay, you can't bring shoes in my.

House.

Because I think about that. So think. If you're conscious at all about any of this stuff, you need to think about the people that you let inside your body.

Exactly. It's like you are.

This is the thing.

People are like, we, we. When. When's the right time to have the talk about sex? I'm like the second you are beginning the second before you're naked and naked with him. This is the most personal thing you could do. You're naked in a bedroom with someone, their penis is inside of you. Like. But we are not equipped to have healthy conversations around this.

When's the last time you were tested? I don't have sex without. I don't have sex without a condominus. I'm in a monogamous relationship. These are things that should be. You should feel comfortable saying to someone before you're having sex.

Exactly. And we're just, we're truly. We're truly not there yet. But we're working on it. We're trying to get people to feel Comfortable with it. And it is energy. I think we can all relate to what that feels like. The energy of having sex, of connection, and it's intimacy. And if sex is about pleasure and satisfaction and connection, what better way to. To redirect it or correct it? You know, recorrect. If you just talk about it, it's very complicated for people. Well, I'm glad you're doing this, Liz. Liz Goldwyn, on your podcast Sex Ed. Sex Ed. They can find you at sex ed.com.

The sex ed.com the sex ed dot com Our podcast is the Sex Ed. Our Instagram is the.

Okay, what do you think is the most misunderstood, misunderstood thing about sex that you figured out lately? Like, no one gets blank.

I don't even know where to start. I mean, I think, again, I think the celibacy thing is really interesting because it's just a conversation that's coming up a lot. It's shame.

I think people shame and celibacy. Shame, Shame separately.

Shame in general to get celibate so.

You can figure out why you're shameful around sex and then release it.

But I've had people say, I haven't had sex. We posted something on our Instagram. We had all these comments, and people were going back and forth, I haven't had sex in six months. I haven't had sex in six years. And I then had friends calling me up and said, you know, I wanted to tell you about this, but I felt really embarrassed to say that I hadn't had sex in X amount of time, you know, so these are things that.

Yeah, I was giving them permission. Yeah, exactly. You feel bad, like, it's like not working out. I haven't had sex. It's good for you not to.

But I think we also think that it says something about us, as though we're undesirable or unattractive if we haven't had sex in a while. But maybe that's because we can't have sex without falling in love. Or maybe that's because. Because we're working through, you know, some stuff right now. There's a million different reasons, you know, but I think we put a lot of projections, especially onto women, of what that says. And now that we're all supposed to be super sexually, I think you can be very sexually liberated. Right. But that doesn't mean that you're having sex with everyone. That said, like, if you are having sex with everyone, great, as long as you're doing it safely. I think there's just a room for everybody. Without judgment.

I, I think absolutely right. And I like that period of calling it celibacy might, you know, turn people off from it. But I think it's so healing.

Self imposed. Self imposed and healing sex.

I did it the last year. I barely. This is since I started the show. I started having sex with the audience, the listeners in the last. Last yesterday. No, not really. I've never had sex with a listener. I've had. No, not yet.

What about with the guest?

Yes, yes, I've been doing that. No guests in the last year on Serious. But in the last. Maybe I had an ex boyfriend on the show. Yeah, on the podcast like 10 years ago. He was a hot author. I interviewed him and then we had sex after.

But also. So self imposed celibacy can look like different things. So let's say maybe that's not. Maybe that's not penetration, but it's oral. Maybe it's finger. I mean.

No, what I'm saying is I love it. I'm just trying to market it because I just know, I hear people this. I used to call it a manatorium when I gave up men years ago. I wouldn't even say that now. It was like 10 years ago. I was like, I'm on a manatorium. I'm not gonna have sex for six months. And it was because I was healing from something and I was talking about it on the show. I was like, I was really trying to. Yeah, heal myself. What is it that. What's my part in my past relationship? How do I heal from that? What and that'? I did a lot of my great self exploration work. It's still self love. Celibacy can be. That's what I'm about. Loving yourself.

And also I wonder. I want to think, I'd like to think that I'm gonna have an amazing freaky sex life when I'm 80. And so it's not like this one period you're in right now is the end all, be all. And that's also includes like whether you're, you know, 22 or 17 or, or like 50, however old you are. Like, there's always a place to evolve to.

Right? And I think that you're not going to evolve sexually unless you take time to really figure out what it is about you that you like communicate to yourself and then you'll be able to communicate better to others. I agree.

Because sex is like the life is long and you. There will be periods where you're having sex where you're not having sex. So it's not like you're broken. No, no, Nothing's wrong with you.

And also, you're not. You're normal. You're not alone. There's so many other people out there experiencing the same thing.

I love that you did that, you.

Know, walking around thinking that everyone else has it more together than we do. But that's not true.

We're walking around thinking that everyone's having more sex, more orgasms, more pleasure, and everyone's in super happy relationships. And they're not. Okay, I have to ask you. Not everyone. Liz Goldwyn. I have to ask you the five questions I ask all my guests. Biggest turn on a brain. Biggest turn off.

Acid washed jeans, even.

Though they're making a comeback. What makes good sex?

Intimacy and vulnerability.

Something you tell your younger self about sex.

It's just gonna get better.

Number one sex tip, masturbate.

Yes, masturbate and masturbate. Especially before you have a big meeting. It gives you so such an edge.

It's true. Before you have a big meeting, a big day, you're stressed.

Yeah. A date.

A date, absolutely. All right, thank you, Liz Goldwin. They can find you at the Sex Ed Social media. The Sex ed dot com. We'll have it in our show notes as well. Thank you for being here. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your email questions.

All right, guys, I love answering your questions. It's so fun. Please send me your questions. You can click the Ask Emily tab on our website, emily.com. fill out the short form or email feedbackswithemily.com but all you gotta do is include your name. We're cool if you change your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show. Okay, Jamie, you want to read the emails?

Yes. Okay, this first one comes to us from Mary, who's 23 in New Jersey. Hi, Dr. Emily. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. And about a year ago, we set a boundary in our relationship. That he wouldn't masturbate to girls on Instagram. That he knows in real life. He recently revealed to me, though, that he had broken that promise in the past few months. Idiot. It's made me insecure about myself and our relationship, and I'm not sure how to help us both heal from the breaking of trust. He says he's ashamed and regrets his actions, but I'm not sure how I could get over this. Am I being unreasonable?

Okay, Mary, you're not being unreasonable. I understand. You know that, that it's, it's hurtful to know that your boyfriend is masturbating to someone else. But you know, I'm going to tell you, and we're not laughing at him, I'm just saying that, like, you guys are 23 years old, you know, you're trying to figure out all this sexual boundary stuff. But I don't think that there's a need to disclose all of this information. And I'm going to be honest with you guys and women. We're going to masturbate to people that are not our partners. That is going to happen in your lifetime, in and out of relationships. This is where ignorance can be bliss. And also I want to know how this conversation came up. Like, were you grilling him and saying, tell me the truth, are you masturbating to, to this woman and this woman and this woman? And if he's saying like, I feel like he wants to be honest and he's human, but then also you're using that information and it feels really bad. So, I mean, I, I like that he came clean. You know, he's regretful. But I feel like this boundary is just sort of when I'm curious why you, you need this boundary. Does he have something? Did you feel like maybe he was masturbating too much? Was he watching too much? Did you like catch him once masturbating? I'm curious why this became such a huge issue in the relationship. Now it sounds like he really wants to be with you. He's not going to be with these women in real life unless that's what you think is happening. So I would really look at yourself and say, why is this such a problem for me? Why am I asking it? Because it's not like cheating's happening in other ways. And every couple gets to decide what constitutes cheating and what doesn't. If this is something that is a big trigger for you, I suggest therapy. Maybe for both of you, maybe for yourself. But I feel like as a 23 year old man, it's pretty tough to kind of put limits on their masturbation unless they're. It becomes a problem. Like we know masturbation is a problem when there's consequences. Meaning like he can no longer get hard with just you in the room or his penis isn't working is like he'd like to. Or so there's a lot of other things, but it sounds like there's some deeper trust issues that might have been present before you even dated him.

So yeah, I just want to know it's like, why he can't just use porn, or you look at Instagram models that he doesn't know. Like, it's very such a specific boundary that I feel like that's just an odd thing that he feels compelled that he has to masturbate to people that he knows on Instagram. But also how. Yeah, I agree with you. How did this come up in the very first place?

I feel like guys just. They're gonna masturbate in the moment if they see someone. Like, if he's following someone and they're on her feed. Like, I don't know, know if it's premeditated or you're scrolling and you're like.

Well, yeah, I don't think he's seeking them out. I think you're right. But it's like, what. And then why he would need to. To bring. To admit it. It's like, it's not even. It's not even like being dishonest to your partner by admitting it. It's like, that's just a private thing that you do. And it's just bringing these things up can just end up hurting your partner and then hurting the relationship. And now you have this giant hurdle you have to get past.

Exactly. They're creating a problem where maybe it.

Didn'T need to be.

It doesn't have to be one. It doesn't have to be a problem. But I think that there are some other issues here.

Definitely.

I think there was trust beforehand things.

I think so. I think there was some flirting things maybe happening.

Yeah, Maybe he was DMing people and she saw something. So I would say let's just get beneath the surface here of the masturbation part and see what else is going on.

The dreaded dms.

The dreaded dms. Delete the dms.

Okay, this next one comes to us from Chuck, who is 44 in Pennsylvania. Hello, Dr. Emily. Lately I have had the urge to be dominated by my wife sexually. I enjoy her being submissive.

But would like to switch roles. This brings me to my question. I enjoy cleaning up her vagina after I have finished in her. It is a huge turn on to be told to do it, but I enjoy doing it either way. Do women enjoy this? Is it common? Wow. Why is it such a turn on? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject.

Okay, Chuck, here's the thing. First off, I think that is hot. And I think that for many people listening who are having sex with women, I think you could think about, like, wow, could I. Could I Clean this up after. Yeah, I've had men who who, like, got, like, a warm. A warm washcloth, like, ran under warm water, and then brought it in and, like, cleaned me off it. It was so nice. So I think that's a really hot and sexy thing to do. Now, if you want her to say, like, I want you to clean me up. Cause it sounds like that's how you want to be submissive. You can just let her know, like, be specific and say, I love dominating you when we're having sex, but I think it would be really crazy sexy if afterwards you, like, demanded that I cleaned. Cleaned you off afterwards. And be specific again, you have to remember, when we're giving our partner partners. When we're having these conversations with our partners about things that we want more in the bedroom, we have to be as specific as we can. And then you can say to them, like, do you have any questions about it? Because oftentimes we. When new sex information comes in, our first thing is to kind of either shut down, blame ourselves. We're not doing enough. My partner's probably bringing up sex because I suck. These are all the insecurities. So I think if you're really specific about it, I can't see this coming up for debate.

I agree. I think, yeah, I would love that. I'd be like, you made the mess. You clean it up perfect.

Exactly. Clean it up. They could use the freshies. We love the Freshies by Wilmore Play. There's, like, easy wipes by the bed. Those.

I have them. I have, like, one in, like, each purse that I own. Just because, you know, I never know.

You never know when you're gonna have to clean up sexy things, right? Exactly. They're amazing. Those are called Freshies. They're great gifts as well.

Okay. And this last one comes to us from ava, who is 29 in California.

Dr. Emily. My husband and I recently went on a trip to Vegas for a few days. I ended up drinking a little too much, which we know makes me extremely horny. After a fun night out, we went back to the hotel and really started going at it. We tried a lot of new things. And then about halfway through, I turned to my husband and asked him if he wanted to continue this while watching porn, to which he leapt at the opportunity. Needless to say, it was amazing. However, before this night, I was that girl who was absolutely against porn. Something must have just come out of me that night. Out of curiosity, I guess. Since then, he asked me if we can continue venturing into watching porn. While having sex. Problem was that I did all of this while I was drunk. And while I'm not completely opposed to it, I'm not sure how to begin to do it sober. Thank you so much for your help.

Oh, good question. We've all had those nights in Vegas, right? Okay, Eva, thanks for the question. So I'm glad that you watched porn, and it was a great experience. And then I'm curious also, what was it that you were, like, anti porn about? Because a lot of times, like I said earlier, like, we have these judgments around sex when someone makes a request for us to do something or we just hear something, we're like, anti. So I'm wondering, like, what was it about porn? So that might be able to help, because there might be some kind of old judgment that you're holding on to that, like, watching porn is wrong or it makes me a bad person or, you know, so I would kind of examine that. And then I would also say that. That when you're sober, yes, sex can definitely be. Be, you know, a different experience. But I think that maybe if you find some porn beforehand that, that. That you actually like, and maybe you guys pick it out together or maybe you do some research, then. Then that could be something that you know what's coming, so it's not as random. Um, just remember, though, like, I. I don't know if your concerns are, but your husband is, like, definitely turned on by you. And I feel like that porn just helps a lot of couples get in the mood. And then while you're watching it during sex, it can just be. Be really hot. You could also play with it. You could say, we're going to watch it at turn it off or we're going to turn it on once we get going. Also, it doesn't have to be every single time you have sex. The reason why also a lot of couples like it is because it's a variety. It's something different. It's. You know, a lot of couples are craving the spontaneity, something new, something interesting in the relationship. So sometimes watching porn, you know, for a few minutes or during sex can be really hot. And nothing wrong with having a glass of wine just to warm yourself up, you know, But I understand about being really drunk sometimes, and. But I. My personal experience, when I'm wasted, the sex seems like it's a lot funner, but I feel like it's more fun, but it's not necessarily my most pleasurable sex.

Yeah, like, in hindsight, you're like, was it that great? I mean, it was cool that we tried new stuff, but you're like, was it great, right?

I agree.

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