Setting Up For Sexual Success with Shannon Shores

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Oh, herpes. Herpes is a big one. Yeah, I. I have to talk people off the ledge.

Right.

How do you do it?

Because I have to do it too. So I want to hear from another expert.

Oh my gosh. So I talk people about having healthy, happy, active sex lives and using your words. Exactly. About communications lubrication, which I love could use. It is about. It is because it is about communication and it's knowing your status. And you know, herpes, it's a viral cycle. So sometimes you're going to have an outbreak, sometimes you're not. There's medications out there like Valtrex, having an honest conversation with your doctor about do I want it or do I not? A lot of people I talk to later on say I decided I didn't want to like be controlled by medication. I just want to pay attention to my body. And when I have an outbreak, you know, refrain from sex, have protected sex, but it comes back to the big thing that you stress a lot, it's communication. And if you can't have open communication with someone, it's probably not a very strong foundation for a relationship.

Exactly.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm joined by CEO of Wellex Inc. Shannon Shores to talk about same day STD test your sexual health and why it's so important to get ahead of it. Plus, I'm answering your questions. Topics include how to get all the info you need about STDs and sexual health and faster results when you actually get tested. Why we need to change the stigmas around STI is because, hey, your diagnosis is not a death sentence. Baby making made sense. Sexy. How do you do it? And ways to get into sex that doesn't involve penetration. Let's get creative here. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com. have you not been there yet? You would love. Our website has even more information to help you have the sex life and the relationships that you deserve. Find me on Sirius xm. You guys, if you haven't been there yet, it's a good time. I'm Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 east on SiriusXM Stars. It's channel 109. And if you don't have serious, you can get a free 30 day trial at sex with emily.comsxm and you know what? Even if you don't have serious, I don't care. Call me. I'm there 10 hours a week to help you have better sex. Triple 894-78277. Find me on all social media. It's with Emily across the board. All right, guys, hope you enjoy the show. Very excited to welcome my guest to this show, Shannon shores. She's the CEO of WellX, which powers same day STD testing sharp rates out of St. Louis. And she's referred to as the queen of STD testing. And essentially, this brand provides discrete, confidential SE testing with the highest level of customer service. When we first talked on the phone, we just hit it off. I was like, this is a really good. I mean, your mission, how you got involved. So, okay, you are called the queen of SE testing, Shannon. So I'm honored to be in your presence. How did. Did you get on your path to being STD royalty? Please tell me the story.

Well, yes. Let me straighten my crown real quick. Right. Gotta know for something. Yeah, you know, I actually. I have a background in social work. And I remember when I told my grandmother that I was getting my degree in social work, she said two things. One, you're gonna get fat, because for sure there's a misconception about khaki pants. You know, pleated fronts, really bad image. And the second thing she said was, hope you marry someone rich, because you'll never make money doing social services. Right. And so I just said, here, Grandma, you know, like, hold my beer. Here we go. And so I, you know, I started my walk into helping others and mental health and really looking at needs. I've worked with, you know, people who've had eating disorders, autism. My first job was a suicide crisis hotline. So really, I have this background of just understanding people and really finding a solution. And personally, I had a situation. You know, I had gone to school, I had a degree. I've really established myself. I think I moved past, like, those khaki pleated pants that grandma told me I was going to have. I thought it was doing pretty well. And I found out from my OB GYN and doing a regular customer that I had an std, which was horrifying.

Okay, because you were married at the time.

I was. I was. I was married. And for a lot of married women, we don't think about getting STD tested. Right. Because you're thinking, huh?

Right, right, right.

And so that came through kind of a pap smear. And it's always important for women to know when they go to their obgyn, they get a pap smear. Like, what am I getting? I hear all the time that people go, oh, I got an STD test because I had my. Well, women negative. That is not how it works.

Right? No.

Because if there's no reason to do it, the doctor's not going to. But there was some research coming out about HPV that women should be just periodically tested for hpv. And I'm kind of like a big, you know, go big or go home kind of person. So not only did I get, you know, hpv, who has hundreds of strands, I got one of the ones that caused cervical cancer.

Okay, so how did you find. So, but you were married at the time, and you found out that stuff that your husband.

Right. Which kind of led to the un kind of feeling this out of, like, where did this come from? And, you know, unfortunately, you know, having a partner who stepped outside that marriage, which is embarrassing. You don't tell your girlfriends that. I mean, yes, we want to, like, chit chat and talk, but you know, we don't tell our girlfriends that.

Right.

I didn't really want to talk to my doctor about that because, you know, she had just delivered my son. You know, I was postpartum and, oh, great, now I have an std. Okay, how embarrassing.

So what did you do next? So then you were like, okay, what does this mean? I could get cervical cancer. I have this strain.

Yeah. And so for women who've ever gone through this, you'll know what I mean. That you get this, like, paps number from hell. That follows it because they kind of do a biopsy and they use like this video camera that's like above your head, the screen, and you're thinking this, this, you know, this thing has to be like, up my brain by now. Like, can you please stop? I think you got what you need. And then you wait. You wait to see. Okay, where are you?

Yeah.

And then it came back. And it came back in stages, like 1, 2, or 3. And again, because I'm so competitive, I guess my body was like, bring it on. So I got the stage three, so I had to have part of my cervix removed. And I. This is the radio land, so you can't see me. But basically she holds. Yeah, she holds up her fist and she's like, so what's gonna happen is imagine this is your cervix and a cheese slicer and we're just gonna go in and we're just going to slice away those cancerous cells.

You're like, that's. First of all, that's not a way to describe it. Talk about bad bedside manner. I'm just hungry and I'm never having gouda again.

Right. And you just. I'm just thinking, I just want to kill my, you know, unfaithful, everything husbands. Right, Right.

But from. Great.

From.

But. But from great.

Distress can come Great innovation.

Right. Because I realized one, the waiting game was horrible.

Yeah, horrible. Like a week. And then they get a call, but don't leave a message and don't call me when I'm with my parents or whatever.

Exactly. Right. Or, you know, you look down, you're like, oh my gosh, they're calling. Yes. And your kids are in the car and the Bluetooth might come on and.

Then, yeah, the whole thing.

So, yeah, it was the waiting game, which was important, you know, when I developed a company to do the ST testing.

Yeah, let's talk about. That's what I'm so impressed. So you develop same day STD testing.

And so it comes out of that idea of people need to have the power to take charge of their sexual health. So in my situation, I kind of find out. I found out things through, you know, my body saying, hey, there's something wrong.

Is that what happened? You were having.

Actually, no, I mean, but through going up pap smears that they said, oh, here's these cells.

Yep.

You know.

But. And it's good that I had those tests, but if I wouldn't have had any signs, how long would I have gone? Right. You know, so good my doctor for doing that. But I wanted just someone to take, have the ability to have to go get tested, not be embarrassed. So we put together a website. So sameday stdtesting.com so anywhere in the US you can find this website. And you know, people come to us because they look at what are the symptoms? Maybe they're looking for symptoms. You know, there's itching, burning, whatever. Because you know, you can go to WebMD and think you have like three days to do that, right? So you have like three days to live. Right. Hangnail, you're dying. Right. And so we get people's minds in a panic, you know, oh my gosh, this is happening. So we put it together. So people come to that website and give us a call.

And then they would call you too and say, hey, I've had this itchy burning bump.

That's what I want them to do is, you know, that's the only way to connect us. We have the information there. But then they call one of our sexual health advocates who's going to ask them all those really kind of embarrassing questions like, how many partners have you had? You know, when's the last time you got tested? What are your symptoms? Is it, you know, female on female, female on male? Is it oral sex? Is it anal sex? Like all those things that you don't want to become, you know, oh, hey, Emily, guess what? I did. But when someone asks you with non judgment, you're like, okay, it's cool. I'll tell you. Because that's the only way to get the best test, right?

So they do that. So they call in. So how does it work? So I'm like, okay, last night I had unprotected sex. Or I'm having this weird sensation. I would call, and then they would. They would interview me on the phone. Or they'd say, here's your closest. The closest clinic to you. Sure, okay.

So you would call. So you would call just in that situation. And, you know, I would say to you, you know, hey, Emily, this is Shannon. Let's talk about what's going on. Let's figure some things out.

I wish you would answer. I want to talk to you about Shannon about anything. How great is Shannon? Like, we already had a love fest on the phone the first time we talked. I'm like, yes, Shannon, I'll tell you.

And that was so important that you understood our brand before I got on, before I got in bed with Dr. Emily, right? I was like, I gotta know that this chick's cool and she understands what we do. Totally. Is so important.

Totally so important.

So you call in and be like, hey, Emily, you know what? We're gonna walk through this, you know, you had unprotected sex last night. We're gonna figure out what you need, and I'd ask you all those, you know, questions, and then I just make a recommendation, you know, based on what you're saying. Maybe you haven't been tested in a while. You didn't know that person. Hey, we all been there. Let's get a full screening. What would happen? Because we, you know, work with a doctor's network and we like Quest Diagnostics. We're not Quest, but we like them as a lab.

I like them, too.

And the reason why is when you're in there next to someone, you don't know what you're in there for. Right?

Exactly.

Blood sugar, for goodness sakes. We don't know.

Right? But all the time. Not all the time, but several times. I've been there this year, and I love it.

You don't know. They're easy. So you go in. That doctor's order is already entered in their system. So when you get there, you just give them your first and last name. Or we have some tech that we send to your phone, it produces a barcode. They can scan and take you back easy, you know, 2019. We have to be tech. I still like paper copies. I know, but anyway, so you go back, they'll do blood and urine. Typically, for a full screening, you leave the lab. And then typically within one to three business.

Which is amazing. It's a lot quicker.

Yeah. One to three. Because if someone said, hey, guess what, Emily, I know you had that encounter a couple days ago. Hey, I got you, girl. But two weeks. I'll call you, be like, no.

And that's typically what it is. Right? If you go to other doctors, it can be.

Yeah, it can be weeks. It can be weeks. So we can do that one to three business days. And we have a patient portal because we understand people are techie.

Right.

And they want to log in all the time. So then we have that option to. But we also have a results team that can talk about those results. And we give the results in, positive or negative. I know. Sometimes doctor's offices will say, well, they call you if it's positive. Yeah.

And then I worry. I'm like, did you just forget about me? How do I know? Like, you're busy. I saw those patients waiting in the waiting room.

Are you sure you didn't miss my file? Better tell me one way or another. My anxiety had. That was way too.

Exactly. Same. So they call you either way, and then what? Are you guys part of the. Part of the treatment plan as well?

Sure. Definitely. It can be, especially with an sti, like chlamydia or gonorrhea. Very treatable. Our results team would take some information, put together a treatment plan, submit it to our doctor for the doctor to review it, make sure there's no drug allergies and things like that as well. And then they're calling that prescription into that person's local pharmacy. So they're running up to Rite Aid, popping the pills, and back onto their business.

Yeah, exactly. So what are the common misconceptions around STDs? Like, people think, oh, my God, I got this. My life's gonna be over.

Oh, herpes. Herpes is a big one.

Yeah.

I have to talk people off the ledge.

Right.

How do you do it?

Because I have to do it, too. So I want to hear from another expert.

Oh, my gosh. So I talked about having healthy, happy, active sex lives and using your words. Exactly. About communications lubrication, which I love. You could use it because it is about communication, and it's knowing your status. And, you know, herpes, it's a viral cycle. So sometimes you're gonna have an outbreak, sometimes you're not, you know, that it's knowing your body just like anything else. There's medications out there, like Valtra. Having an honest conversation with your doctor about, do I want it or do I not? A lot of people I talk to later on say, I decided I didn't want to, like, be controlled by medication. I just want to pay attention to my body. And when I have an outbreak, you know, nine to 11 days, the typical kind of cycle of it. But you have to either, you know, refrain from sex, have protected sex, but it comes back to you. The big thing that you stress a lot, it's communication. And if you can't have open communication with someone, it's probably not a very strong foundation for a relationship.

Well, exactly.

Period.

Like. Like, you have to. Because, you know, and you have to realize, too, that people don't care, like, as much as you think, like, your. Your life is over. I hear so many stories are like, that's fine. Just let me know when you're having an outbreak. We'll be cool. Yeah. And if someone doesn't react that way, that. That's not your person.

Right.

And how many. What is the percentage of people who have herpes now?

Oh, my gosh. I mean, it.

What do you think it is? Or like. Or is it like two out of five or one out of the.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's that. I was gonna say that, to your point, saying, when you go, you know, I have it. High likelihood they're gonna go, me too.

I. Yeah, I'm sure that happens a lot.

I've heard stories, like, so many people, because. And people have had it for years, a lot of times, and they haven't had an outbreak, but they know they have it. Um, I had an interesting fella last year. Um, he was nearing his 80s. Um, he was in Florida. And I had to give him back his results. He came back positive for herpes. Two genital herpes. And I did my spiel like, you know, this means protected sex. You know, there's asymptomatic shedding, communication, those sort of things. And he was very kind. When I got done, he did say, shannon, you know, you're kind, you're polite, but I'm going to tell you, when you become my age, you're not going to be going to the Walgreens to be getting condoms or having my kids teach me how to Amazon prime those. But he was also very proud of himself, that he'd gone almost 80 years without getting herpes.

I know, right? But do you hear that, though? I Mean, I've heard a lot about people in the retirement homes. They're getting. They're catching more STDD. STDs. We're living longer.

Yeah. Well, women, you know, we outnumber men.

Yeah.

You know, so when you go into these senior communities, you know, they're living their best lives. Right. They're in retirement, kids are gone. You know, they're in sunny places. And women outnumber the men. Then the men really can't. He's busy, they're getting busy. And they're not using protection because think about it. If they were married 40, 50, 60 years of marriage, it didn't use protection. Do you think now, and because also too erectile dysfunction, a condom is not going to be helping them. Right. With.

Exactly. So what do they do? So you don't even tell them to eat. At that point, they're just like, I.

Have to give my. My thing of like, hey, you need to wear protection. But when he said, I'm not, you know, hey, Shannon, thanks, but no thanks. I was like, hey, I just wanted to, like, give him a round of applause.

80 years old, you get it?

You get it.

He's still. I mean, I love that people are having sex a lot later, but it's important to, to educate yourself on these things. So what are. Anything else? Like I was gonna say, this sounds really clear. Like what's hot in STDs right now, but, like, what's trending? Like, more chlamydia. I've heard gonorrhea. What about this? How can people avoid this? And what are you hearing about it? You just take a pill, though, right?

They take a pill. But here's the thing that people, they forget, right. Is that people will go, you know what? I'm having these issues in my mouth. I, you know, I have these white bumps in my throat and in my mouth.

I don't think it's strep. I've had strep before. But. But I had protected sex. And I said, okay, did you. Was this oral sex? Well, yeah, I did have oral sex. Was it protected? No. Well, then, sweet pea, just anywhere that that's going to be there, you're going to put it right in those areas. So we started offering swabs for those situations where they didn't have sex, but they had oral sex.

And this is typically from being with a man or being. Going down on a man or going down on a woman.

It's either one.

You're not seeing a rise in either case.

No.

You could just pass it that way. And what does that feel like in your. It's in your throat and your tongue in your mouth?

Yeah, like. Yeah, in the back of your throat. So it could look like strep at first, but then when you get down to it, it's like, okay, people try to self medicate, and then it kind of comes back, but it won't go away. It won't go away. And then they start to put two and two together. Like, ooh, well, there was that situation at the party or whatever. And like, for us, our mantra is, your sex life, your business.

Yeah. I love your shirt. Your sex life. Thank you for bringing. And my beer. Cozies.

Yes.

Drink cozies. I love these. Your sex life, your business.

Because that's really it. Like when people.

When they call, they don't need to know.

They don't want to say, like, yeah, there was this party and I had too much and maybe I gave a guy a blowjob. Okay, cool. Let's get you back healthy because we don't want you to have the, you know, consequences of that running around your mouth.

Right.

Who wants that?

Exactly. Well, thank God, with chlamydia or gonorrhea, you can take a pill. It takes about a week for the symptoms to go away.

Yeah.

Oh, God. So why do you think none of us really want to deal with our sexual health? I mean, aren't you realizing now that how many people don't know anything about it when they're calling? In my world? But I'm sure people are just like, kind of. They don't want to deal until there's a problem.

Well, the one thing you said, kind of some misconceptions when you said earlier was people think, well, I don't have symptoms, so I don't need to get tested. And let me tell you, the majority of STDs and STIs are asymptomatic. They don't have any symptoms. And wouldn't you rather take care of this now before the symptoms do show up? Because they'll show up sometime, but you still could have that infection or that virus, be asymptomatic and. And spread that to other partners through unprotected sex?

So let's talk about asymptomatic. I was going to say you can't really talk about asymptomatic symptoms because the point is they're not symptomatic. But for what kind of. I know, like, with herpes. Well, with a lot of them, you can be asymptomatic. So your, your, your philosophy is everyone should get tested every three months, six months after a new partner.

Yeah, you know, I, we have a lot of people. We have a, we have people who, you know, they've been married for years, maybe they got divorced and now they're back into the dating world and they don't want to, they don't want to go into the condom sex. Right. So they might say, hey, you get tested, I get tested. Like, what a cute little date, right? Let's go to quest, hold hands, get tested together. But then they can share each other's results, especially in our portal.

Hey, let's log in together, together.

Oh, you're clean. I'm clean. Well, let's get it on, let's get it on, let's get it on. But so we have that group which is so great and so responsible. And then we have other people who are just more like reactive that they have, you know, they have symptoms. A lot of times though, people will call because they've received a text from someone that says, hey, I just got tested. I've come back positive for X, you should get tested too. And then they're so confused because they're saying, yeah, there's he or she is saying this, but I don't have any symptoms. And so we had to do the education of saying, okay, if you've been exposed and especially if someone says it, get tested. But if, yes, to your point, if you're changing partners and you're having several partners, fine, but just stay on top of it.

Right? So but if you're asymptomatic, how could they still. They could still. By testing urine blood, they will still be able to everybody. That is such a good point. So I feel like if you haven't gone in a while, they just go to same as same day std testing.com and literally the same day they find a clinic near them, they talk to someone on the phone. It's so easy because I think we make it so hard.

We do. And the thing is, not all testing is the same. So I understand that there are different testing options and there's cheaper testing options because we are out of pocket to keep that privacy and the discretion and keeps it off your permanent health record, unlike an insurance would do. Not to say that's not an option, but that's not an option for everyone. But there's some other cheaper options, but you might be getting a test that takes longer for that virus to show up. So you might get an HIV test that you have to be exposed to HIV for like 90 days post exposure. I couldn't wait 90 days. If I had a situation that happened two weeks ago and I went to HIV test and someone said, we'll test you, but really, if you want to know about that thing that happened two weeks ago, you're gonna wait three months? No, no, no. So we have more advanced tests.

That's amazing.

You know, and it's what people want. I know. That's what I would want. I would want accuracy. I would want, you know, quick results and just that privacy that no one's thinking. Ah, because I know it, I'm an adult. But it's still. That mean girl syndrome still haunts us all of. Is someone judging us.

Exactly.

And we don't have to do that with us.

Right. So tell me, so how does it work? Like, is it a one time thing or you can have a membership.

Sure. We actually have special pricing, so we just started that this year. And we send if people want. It's one of those tricky things where people, you know, they want to be our fast friends in the moment and then they're like, get away from me. Because who wants to have a friend of STD testing? But some people are, because they're thinking.

It'S a reminder too. If you gotta wait, you gotta come back. Yeah.

And so we do have a program where people might say, you know what I'm cool with, with, you know, getting the email from same day STD testing as a reminder quarterly that says, hey, if this, this, this or this has happened to you in the past quarter, in the past few months might get tested and they get discounted pricing. Because we want, we want to encourage people to continue to test. I mean, what, I mean, we go to the dentist to get our teeth cleaned twice a year. Why are we taking care of our teeth better than our sexual health?

So is there certain. Because I know when I've gotten tested at my doctor, they're like, they don't test for everything. And they don't.

Exactly.

And that's so annoying. I'm like, why didn't you test me for this or that? So what do you tell people? What kind of tests do you have? Do you just do everything that's.

We do everything for everyone.

Okay.

You know, outside of hpv, HPV for women, you need to make sure you're asking for it during your pap smear. Because if you're not asking for it, it's not regulated, it's not mandated on a yearly basis for our, well, women's Check. So ask for it. Okay, men, there's no FDA approved test right now for hpv. It's really just tricky. It's like, well, it's a virus. It can rid itself. It's just one of those things. But everything else, everything from your hepatitis, HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis, syphilis, all of the STDs and STIs MG, which is micro genitalium plasma. Yeah, don't hold me on that. It's a big word. But I call it mg, which is another sti, which we're seeing on the rise because it looks like chlamydia, gonorrhea and trichomoniasis. And so we can we test for that as well. So we test for all of that. And that's what to your point, when people go, yeah, you know what? My doctor tested me.

Yeah.

Do you know what they tested for? Well, didn't they test for everything? Probably not, right? If you don't ask. And that's my other big recommendation for people know what you're getting tested for. So you don't have this false sense of peace about your sexual.

Exactly. Might not have gotten everything. So that. That's a really good point. Because they're not gonna do it. Maybe your insurance charges more. It takes them more time.

Well, if the doctor think it's medically necessary, they're like, you don't need that herpes test. Which if you've never had a herpes test because it's asymptomatic a lot of times, how do we know that you don't have it?

But sometimes does it not show up even on tests, a blood test, you.

Know, it should be that the virus should be present as long as you're testing long enough after that exposure. So if you're giving it a few months after exposure, you know, and if you're periodically testing, you're going to get that accurate test. But it can be found in the blood quite easily.

This is such good information for people on your website. Same day STD testing has so much information on there. An easy way for people just to find it that day right now. I think people are gonna be inspired right now to go do it if you haven't done it lately. You know what? I hate people like, oh, I don't need to get tested. I like people say they're with somebody new and they're like, oh, I know him.

Oh, I know him.

He's got friends. It's common. He would never. Or she Would never. I'm like, no, you can't tell that way.

But you get the group of girls together.

Oh, yes.

And you get the group together and they're like, oh, he is such a dog. Or he's this. Or it's like, oh, here. Here are all the secrets that come out. Right. But, yeah, people make just assumptions about people. Oh, he's a good person.

Right.

I'm not saying that he's not.

He's probably great. Just hasn't gotten tested, doesn't know, might be a carrier. I have a question about if you've taken the vaccine for hpv, should you still be getting tested for it regularly?

You know, I would think that because, you know, there's a certain group of people. I was too. That vaccine came out. I was too old for it. I aged out of it. You know, there's a certain age group that you can take HPV vaccine.

So for all 28.

Yeah. So for a lot of us, we was never an option, and we're too.

Old to get it.

And I swear, I'm not 105. Right. So I'm in my 40s. And, yeah, I missed it, too. Yeah, we missed it. So that's why it's important. But for younger women, that's a good question for their OB because they do change research a lot and recommendations a lot. So if you've had the vaccine, ask your doctor to say, you know, I've had, you know, x many partners over the past year, you know, and I care about my sexual health enough to know is, am I at risk? And they'll let them know.

So good. Anything else that people like misconceptions or that we think about STDs or STIs, anything else that we don't know that people don't get? This is just such a wealth of information. I just want to make sure. I feel like we covered a lot.

Yeah. I think the other big thing, people are scared of the results. You know, they're scared to get them even though they want them. HIV is a huge one. You know, people think hiv, it's a death sentence. And let me tell you, HIV is not what it was in the 80s.

No, it's not. It's so different.

Remember, I mean, we saw Magic Johnson. He came out and it was like, oh, like they put a face to hiv. You know, people stay in HIV status for a long time without going to AIDS like they did, you know, in the 80s. We see Charlie Sheen now who. His viral levels get to a point where he can test and it doesn't show up.

Right.

You know, so we've come such a long way. And so the key for that is if you have it, you want to know. Because being treated early leads to living a long, happy, active sex life and just healthy life by knowing. Because there's so many good resources out there now for hiv. Don't be scared of the unknown because that's when you get in trouble.

Exactly right. That's really good. It is really different now, which is amazing. So people should just know that like the typical age of your. Is there an average age of people call in because it's everybody. We're Talking about the 80 year old.

In the home and then we can help anyone. But I tell you what I mean, it's really mostly men, you know, because I think men just want to get. Get it done. They really want to talk about it. They don't talk about their feelings a whole lot. You know, I'm not trying to put a mint in the box, but I've been doing this long enough to, you know, that's mostly males, but females were trying to reach out to females more. That's why I'm, you know, doing radio shows and just talking about to, hey, you know, women, we get it, let's get tested and let's not be embarrassed about this. But mostly it's over the age of 35. It's people who, you know, who just really value that private testing. They're in new relationships. They've probably been with the same partner for years. And this is new for them because dating, you know, in their 20s, you actually had to talk with people. Remember he had to go to the bar and someone like, encourage you to talk to that guy.

Yeah.

And now you, you know, everything's on an app swipe. That was bad.

I like the in person connection stuff. But no matter how you mean, what do you feel about condoms? Do you feel like mo people are not using them?

No, no. People like pleasure and that's fine.

But condoms can be pleasureful.

They can be.

They're just. I think it's more comfortable to put them on and to think about it, to talk about it.

Stopping, it's like stopping that passion in that moment to put them on. And I encourage condom use, you know, because that's, that's the best way. Right. You know, that is the best way. But if they're not going to do it, I really applaud the couples who call us and go, before we take the condom off, we're just gonna check in with each other and then we go condomless. Yeah, Perfect. That's a win. Definitely.

The first time, second time. I think so too. And I think the stigma around condoms, I think people maybe they haven't found the right kind of condoms. I mean, I'm not saying they're as great as without a condom, but.

Oh, they've come such a way.

Exactly. I think in my head, guys are like, no, no, no, I can't use a condom. But yes, yes, yes. Unless you want to. You know, that helps too.

Exactly. If you want some burning, itching, you don't want that either.

So true. Shannon Shores, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it. I love what you're doing. We talk about it all the time. We are fans. We can find you. Where can people find you?

They can find us at same day STD testing. We do have a Facebook page. We are on Instagram. But I tell you what, I'm like the 90 year old woman when it comes to tax. So what I tell you is go to the bottom of our, of our website and all the places you can find us and see what we're up to. Where we're traveling, who we're talking to is down there.

You got it all there. We do this all in the show notes as well. Okay, Shannon, thank you for being here.

Oh, thank you for having me.

Of course. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back, we're gonna get into your questions.

All right, guys, I'm here with producer Jamie and I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form or just email me feedbackexwithemily.com. but please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listened to to the show. All right, thanks. Okay, Jamie, you want to read the question first question?

I do. Okay, so this first one comes to us from Mrs. M, who's 45 in Michigan. She writes, Dear Dr. Emily, thank you so much for all you and your group do every single night. I've been listening to your podcast and on Sirius XM since it began last November and boy, oh boy, have I learned a lot. I've been married to my husband for 12 years and in the last three and a half, my husband has not touched me. I know I do not intend to leave him. And we are taking steps to hopefully improve and reconnect. We've been in therapy the last two months, when we dated, we had sex about three times a week, which dwindled to maybe two to three times a year until nothing. When asked why, he has no answer. He says he doesn't have the drive, but I know he's taking care of himself and watching porn. I've caught him twice. I've purchased three different vibrators over the last year, and none of them seem to be targeting my area, per se, specifically enough. I was wondering if you'd give me a suggestion between either the Zumio or the Womanizer. Thank you so very much for your time and again, love you, your team, your heart, and your show.

Thank you so much for emailing. I'm so glad that this show has been helpful for you. And now let me help you specifically with your question. So let me go through this here. So sounds like you guys been together 12 years, and the sex is just not what it once was. And if you're listening to the show, you know, a lot of couples struggle with this same thing. I wish I knew the three different vibrators that haven't targeted your area specifically enough. I'm not sure which ones you bought, but when you said pinpoint the pleasure, I have to say that I think the Zumio, the Zumio would be best because it's actually designed to do just that. The Zumio has kind of looks like an electric toothbrush, kind of a callback to how many. The first toy that many women use, which I do not recommend a toothbrush, but what I do recommend is the Zumio, because it actually, it does pinpoint your pleasure. It has a tip on it that it really, you know, the clitoris is 8,000 nerve endings. So if there's. And there's a lot of different areas that we don't even know that we can't reach. Well, the Zoomo does just that. Depending on how much pressure you apply and the different angles you turn it around, it'll change how it actually feels on your body. And for a lot of women, it also stimulates collagen, which means that it can help the blood flow start to move through your vulva, your vagina. Because things, you know, as we get older, the blood doesn't flow as much as we like to, so it kind of wakens up all those areas. And I really think the Zoomia would be the right choice for you to get creative. Take a mirror, check out what's going on down there, and I guarantee that you'll be able to find what you're looking for. I'm really glad to see that you are taking these steps with your husband, you know, so you can get into a happier, more sexual place. The other thing I want to say about toys is I'm not sure that the three toys you bought aren't right for you. I just think you got to give them another shot. Sometimes people buy toys and they're expecting it's going to be the end all, be all, and then we just give up after one try. And I'm just telling you this because I used to do that as well. I was like, this doesn't work. I can't charge it. It's not what she said. But if you just get creative with it, a lot of toys don't have just one use. And listen, our bodies are chock full of nerve endings, so you can use it all over your vulva, your labia, internally, externally, play with your nipples, nape of your neck. We've got so many nerve endings to play with. So if you open your mind and expand, you know your definition of whatever spot you're looking for, I think you're going to find a lot more areas. Pleasure. The other thing is about your husband. I want to go back to this when you said you caught him twice. I'm just gonna go there and say, you know what? I wouldn't caught him. Like, I think it's great he's taking care of himself. You have to remember that masturbation and sexual desire are very different. I think it's great that he's still masturbating and taking care of himself. So I don't think that's a bad thing. I feel like you've looked at it as something to kind of like, well, he doesn't want to have sex with me, but he's masturbating. But, you know, a lot of us, we're in relationships, and if our sex life isn't as satisfying, we still take times to pleasure ourselves. So it doesn't mean that it's taking away from you. It just means that he's relieving stress. It's habitual. You know, a lot of us, you know, masturbate, no matter what's going on in our personal lives. So let me know how it goes. We're here for you, and thanks for your email.

This next one comes to us from Henry, who's 27 in North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily. I want to start by saying how much I enjoy your podcast. I've learned so much from you. I wanted to get your advice on how to spice it up in the bedroom if we're not having sex. My girlfriend and I have been dating a little over a year and still haven't had sex yet. Neither of us is waiting for marriage specifically, but we value who we are intimate with and really want our next partner to be our last. We're still active in bed, I.e. hand stuff, oral, etc. We've gotten into a bit of routine I think can spice things up and explore new things without necessarily having sex. How can we change things up and explore our current sex life? Thanks.

Thanks for your email, Henry. Okay, I think if you guys are not going to rush right into the sex, and let me be honest with you, that's not even what sex is all about is the penetration. So for many women, I'm telling you, a lot of the magic comes without penetration. So this is a great learning opportunity for you both, you know, to really start to explore each other's bodies. And I think this is great for all couples. P.S. if you're in a relationship and you feel like it's just been the old in and out and it's not working for you, that's okay. Some of these tips I'm going to give you right now are great for everybody because it isn't just about penetration. There's lots of paths to pleasure. So what I would say is, first, maybe you just start to explore each other. I like to call these, like, exploratory sessions where maybe you guys learn to do some kind of erotic massage. We've got some great blogs on our site about beginner massage and ways to please each other. Because what can happen a lot is we're so concerned about what our partner's feeling, and we're not really thinking about ourselves. So perhaps one night could be you're pleasing her and you're just, you know, she's. Maybe she even has a blindfold on. You know, sometimes we put a blindfold on, we take away one sense, and all of our other senses become more heightened. So she's really letting go. And then you can just slowly, you know, you can use some massage oil, like the Womb or Play. We love it. It's coconut massage oil, slash lube. And that could be a way to really slow it down and explore different parts of her body through massage. You can really start to kind of warm her up. She can start to relax. Because a lot of times, you know, anxiety is the biggest killer of our sex drive, and it doesn't allow us to actually be in our bodies and explore Pleasure. And so I think that by massaging her and figuring out what, you know, what feels good. Maybe it's the nape of her neck, maybe it's her breast, maybe it's the side of her breast. Sometimes we really ignore that as well and just slow down, explore with different textures and pressures on different body parts. You could also try like playing with some more sensation play or role playing. You know, if you've been listening to the show, you know, we talk a lot about couples getting out of their comfort zone and playing with different roles. Maybe you're dressing up, maybe you're just using, you know, wordplay. Maybe you're doing some orgasm denial. Like you're, you know, you're dominating her and you're responsible for her orgasm and then you switch it. You could also do some things with bondage. We have a lot of great information on our site about this as well. I think definitely toys and, and what the toys will allow you to do as well. Whether they're toys for you. We have toys for men, we have toys for women, we have toys for everybody that you could really start to explore other ways for you to orgasm. Maybe you want to do stuff with your prostate. Maybe you want to play with different toys on your shaft. Maybe when she's performing oral on you, you can play with some flavored lubes. You can play with some ice cubes. We've got a lot of great info on our site. Okay, so this is what I'm going to ask you to do. I think you should, Henry, go to our website and just Google roleplay. We have beginner roleplay. We have blogs about bdsm. And each blog post breaks down the different elements of bondage, discipline, sadomasochism. And before you're thinking, oh, Emily, I don't, I don't want pain and I don't want to tire up. It's really not about that. What it's about is power play. You know, there's a masculine and a feminine role. Whether you're in a same sex relationship or, you know, man and a woman, there's different power roles that you can play with. And that can also really, you know, spice it up. It can enhance your connection, it can enhance your intimacy when you're bringing in other things into the mix. And not just, you know, relying on the two of you, your hands and your mouths and your fingers, but when you're playing with other products like handcuffs or blindfolds or even like little paddles or feathers and just playing with different ways of exploring in your Bodies and how you're reacting to certain sensations and words and activities in the bedroom. So I think all those things can work for you. Henry, let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you.

And if you're just curious about sex stuff in general, if you type getting sexually literate into our search bar on our site, there's all these different blogs for each letter of the Alphabet about a bunch of different stuff.

I love those. Like, literally, if you just Google that, you're gonna be like, you'll be on there for days, and you will never run out of things do until you guys, they get married in a year.

They say they might not get married. Oh, but they're just waiting. I like how. Because it seems like they're not virgins, but that they are just deciding now that they're, like, not gonna have sex with other people until it's like, they know it's their last partner.

Okay, do what you guys gotta do. I think it's important. I think it's important to explore. And, you know, like I said, a lot of couples just get into a sexual rut and they never do this work. So this is for all of you.

Okay, this last one comes to us from Shan, who's 29 in Florida. Hi, Dr. Emily. I just want to start off by saying that I love your show. You've really helped me get out of my head when I'm intimate with my husband. And you also recommended an amazing product, the Womanizer, which allows me to have multiple organs. Here's my problem. My husband recently had a vasectomy reversal, and we're trying to have a baby. I'm having the hardest time staying in the moment with him because all I can think about is if I'm going to get pregnant. I even get frustrated when he's only focusing on giving me orgasms because I want him to hurry up and come inside of me so that I can get pregnant. This is literally ruining my enjoyment. And having sex with him, which I normally love to do. I just worry so much that the reversal may not work and it's taking all my attention and not allowing me to be present. Please help me figure out how I can get back to enjoying being intimate with my partner and not focus so much on just the pregnancy. Thanks.

Okay. Thank you for your question, Shan. And I want you to know this is a really common question we get asked, and a lot of women struggle with this because I get it. You know, you have a short window every month where you want to get pregnant, where it can work, and you're very focused on that. But the problem is when we're in our head during sex sex, it's really hard to be in our body, and it's really hard to have the kind of sex that we want to have, the connected sex, the sex that actually feels good, the sex that's going to actually, funny enough, the more you tend to relax and the more you can stay more connected to him, you might even be more likely to get pregnant. So first, I want to make sure that you go to the. Have your husband go to the doctor and check his sperm levels to see if the vasectomy, if the reversal came with any complications. So then you can kind of just let that go on the days. Here's what I would also say. If you are just focusing on the days you're ovulating, that's the other problem. If you're like, well, I just want to focus on these three days. I would really try the best. I would really try to work with your husband on a plan for your sex life. Like, not just make it about the outcome and about those days, but think about things that you and your partner can do that can turn each other on. I think that this would be a fun time for you guys to, like, do our yes, no, maybe list, which is on our site. We have a site that a lot of couples love taking this quiz. It's like, it's really simple to do, and it has things on there like, do we want to try bondage, dirty talk, role play, toys, spanking? I mean, it kind of lists things that you might never have thought of. And if you guys kind of are on the same page, maybe there's some yeses, maybe there's some maybes. Maybe there's things that you both have been wanting to try. And the more listen, we get bored in our sex life. This happens to, I would say, pretty much every relationship if you don't put in the work to figure out what turns you both on. So what I. I would say this is such a great time for you guys to really think about, well, what are we into? Maybe you do a sexual bucket list where you write down three things a month that you've been wanting to try. We have so many great resources on our site. I know you've been listening to this show. So if you guys, like, let's say you decide that Saturday night you guys are going to do some sensation play, for example, what you could do is you could get a blindfold. We have beginner bondage kit on the site. Or you could just use a necktie laying around the house and use that as a blindfold. But when you guys know that you're looking forward to something, that becomes the main event. So you're like, you can start texting each other, texting, dirty, talking dirty, building it up towards the event. Because then when it comes, it's like an activity that you're both involved in. I think so many times we just think, oh, God, we just gotta have sex and whether we're trying to get pregnant or not. But when you make it more of an event, more of an activity, how can we expand our lovemaking to be something that we're both involved in? It's kind of like you guys both signed up for a class or looking forward to a vacation. I promise you that your sex life can have this, that same kind of thrill and excitement if you both put the effort in. And I think involving your husband in this so you both can kind of look forward to it and try new things will make it so much easier for you to stay focused in the moment. And in fact, people who are more interested in doing things like dirty talk or role playing or domination, submission, they've shown that those people actually are more connected and more intimate and more in the moment because you guys are sharing an experience, not just like, he's pounding away and you're lying there thinking if you're going to get pregnant, because that is not fun for anybody. So I would recommend sprinkling in some of these things along the way to make it hot. Now, I'm also going to give you my best advice for staying in the moment during sex, and that is focusing on your senses. Now, this is really a mindfulness tool, which, you know, mindfulness is a huge buzzword right now, you know, with meditation and yoga and all those things. But it really helps. Helps in the bedroom. Because, listen, when we're in our head during sex, think of it this way. All the blood is rushing to your head. It's rushing away from your genitals. So the more that you can focus on being present and not in your head, tripping on whatever you're worried about, the more likely you're gonna have better, more satisfying, more connected sex. So think of it this way. Your senses, right? We've got five of them. So if you focus on, I'm gonna light this candle, and this candle, I'm gonna smell the vanilla candle. That's what I'm gonna smell. I'm gonna listen to. Maybe you're playing a. Your favorite Sexy playlist. So you're hearing the music or maybe you're just listening to your breath. What are you touching? Well, you're feeling your hands on your partner's body. You know, think of what is. What are my hands feeling right now? What am I smelling? What am I tasting? Maybe it's your partner's lips or it's your vanilla lip balm. I'm always tasting that vanilla lip balm. We got. We have these sex with Emily kiss kids. And I'm, like, obsessed with this lip balm. Here's what happens. I do this when I'm driving in the car. So I'm stressed out. I'm having a day. And all of a sudden I'm like, your mind's tripping. And all of a sudden I go, okay, my hands are on the steering wheel. Wheel. I'm listening to the radio. I'm tasting my cinnamon gum. I'm feeling my butt on the chair of my car. And the second you do that, it's almost like magic. I realize that I'm planted. I'm grounded in the moment. I'm driving my car, and there is nothing else that matters. And it's a reset. I don't go back to those same thoughts that were troubling me. I'm reset. I take a few deep breaths, and I get to refocus on what's happening in the moment. My final thing here is breath. Breath is so important. It is such an anchor during sex. And sometimes when we're really worried and we're really stressed out, we forget to breathe. And the more we breathe deep, and you can even do this with your husband, you take really a few deep breaths together even before you start having sex. It could be really grounding, and it can really connect both of you in the moment. And then finally, I'm going to recommend Denise Wisner just came out with a great book called Conceiving with Love. She was also a guest on the show, and she's just got a lot of great ideas. I've you given this book to a lot of my friends who are trying to get pregnant, and I think you'll really appreciate all the things that Denise has to offer. All right, thank you so much for your emails. Thank you to our guest, Shannon Shores. Thank you, Jamie, for being awesome, and thank you all for being amazing listeners. I love when you review the show. Give us five stars wherever you're listening. When you share this with a friend, if your friends are, you know, I'm sure there's something in here you're like my friend really needs to know this. Share it with them. Thank you everyone for supporting the show. We're heading into our 15th year. Okay, thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristin, Michelle, Alisa, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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