Sex and Self-Confidence

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This is just something you are just gonna have to accept and get over it. Or not. Because it's something that you're gonna constantly think about all the time. Yeah, what does it matter? Does the whole town know that she hooked up with 40 people and then you constantly have to have a conversation about it? Or is it just between you two?

Exactly.

You're listening. Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You've heard this one before, but the sexiest quality in the world is confidence. And that's true. But it's not always easy to muster. Confidence is an inside job. But here's the good news. Once you generate on your own terms, life and sex get a whole lot easier. So on today's Ask Emily show, I'm joined by my dear friend and former co host, Menace. You might know him from the Woody Show. And we talk confidence, jealousy, self image. And what happens when you adore your partner but can't stop thinking about their high body count. Or you want to have hot phone sex with a long distance lover but you don't know where to start? Well, we talk through both. Or how about when you've discovered something about your partner like a secret can of delay spray or the fact that they want you to be more dominant in bed. I help you find the confidence to talk about both. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is exwithemily. And don't forget to check out my new article, 10 Reasons why a stroker beats your hand every time on sexwithemily.com all right everyone, Enjoy this episode.

On today's show, I'm joined by Menace. He's a dear friend of mine who used to co host show with me since the beginning. I'm so excited to have him back with me again. Find out more about Menace on the Woody show podcast and morning radio show or on social media. He's Ennis. Menace, it's so good to see you.

Good to see you too. It's been too long.

But for those of you who don't know, Menace is, you might recognize Menace from the morning show here, which is everywhere now. The Woody Show.

Yeah, we're on in different cities all the way from Los Angeles to Philadelphia, back to Hawaii and then around the world on afn. So you can hear the podcast, the Woody show or just tune into the radio in the morning.

Yeah, okay. Totally. And you should. It's a good show. He gets up every morning and does great content and he's there for you. But I know Metis because, fun fact, when I started this show, I worked in radio. He was assigned to my show the first year of this, really, and we worked together for many, many years and Metis has been on the show as a co host, but now he's been off doing morning radio and taking over the world. But I just, I'd love to bring em back because we have a history here. Medicine. You've always been really helpful to the audience and entertaining and I love seeing your face.

Helpful because I asked all the questions that the audience wants to ask. So I haven't talked to you in a long time. So I want to know, first off, what is your type these days?

Men who have done their work, Metis. They've done their work. They've been in therapy. They know their issues. They have their career figured out. They're not struggling, they're not searching for Themselves. Maybe they've been married. Maybe they've been divorced. They have kids. That's all good. That's all fine. Understand their childhood. They're not angry. They know how to regulate their emotions, and they want to have a good time. Because here's the thing right now. Madness. I never prioritize marriage or children. I like being in relationships, and obviously, I really enjoy a great sexual relationship. I don't need sperm. I don't need their money. I just want someone I can, like, hang out with and travel and have a companion, have a life partner.

That doesn't seem like a lot, though.

Why is it so difficult to find? I haven't been looking, and I really was going deep into my work.

That's always been a big thing with me and you. I think cohabitating with somebody would be amazing. I know you want to have a partner. What is your dream? Do you live in separate places?

You know, I'm a big proponent of the LAT movement. Do you know about the LAT movement? Okay. The Living Apart Together movement is about couples. They have two homes, or they definitely have separate bedrooms. But initially it was. They had, like, separate homes, and they. Neither one of them gave up their place, and they would go back and forth, or if they do over the same home, they have separate rooms. And why I love this idea is because I think that living together all the time and staying on top of each other is not conducive. And we know this. It's not just me. It's. Studies have shown time and time again that couples need the space they know. Think of it like fire. Right? Fire needs the oxygen. Right. To fan the flames. If you're on top of each other, you're going to the bathroom, the door open, you're flossing your teeth. You're doing all the things that is not gonna make for a hot sex life for sure. So you need space. So the living Apart Together movement is like, we are still together, but we take our space. That, to me, is ideal.

Yeah. It seems like a dream situation for you.

It does. Well, how's it going for you, the coh. I mean, you're married. You like cohabitating?

Yeah. I mean, I'm a huge fan of it. I go to work and, I mean, she also works, and she has a great job. But, like, all I know is, like, my job, I'm just gonna. Whatever I make, I just put in the bank. And then you take care of everything else, you know?

Right, right. Is she okay with that job? That's.

Yeah. No, no, she's totally. She'd rather do it than me.

Okay, that's good.

No, like, it can't be overwhelming because I'm also impatient. So I'd be like, did you take care of this? Did you take care of that? Did you take care of this? And then also, you know, she still has a job to do. And then we have two dogs that are running all over the place. I know it could be kind of maddening, but I. I'm perfectly fine with cohabitating. I. Nothing drives me crazy.

Yeah, I could see you being totally on top of it, Menace. I mean, what. What do you bring to the table, though? I'm just trying to hear what you bring here.

I provide joy. I am very joyful to be around. I am the fun coordinator.

Okay. No, that sounds like a good balance. I'm just checking. I think that's. You are fun, Menace. I gotta say that you are fun.

You know what I miss is your emails from the people. Do you have any emails that we can read?

I do, yeah. I've gathered ones that I thought that would be great to answer with. You ready? Here we go. Okay, let's start with James, 30 in Scotland. Hey, Dr. Emily. I really enjoyed and found your podcast so helpful for my life and relationship. However, I've struggled to mentally overcome that my partner has a very promiscuous past. We've had the conversations about past partners. Her number is much higher than mine with hers being over 40 sexual partners. How do I deal with this? And can you slap some sense into me to stop getting in my head on this and be happy for her that she had a fun experience in her life? We are very much in love and going strong. It's just one issue I have, so. The body count. It's the body count as we call it. Menace. My notion to this is that this is a silly conversation for couples to have and once they have it, it always goes wrong. It's always the worst. It's the worst conversation to. This is gonna be a mind thing that he's gotta focus more on the sex life that they are having and when he can start building a sex life with her. Do all the things I talk about in the show. Download our yes, no Baby list. Talk to her about what your fantasies are. Find out her fantasies. But once you have your own material of a sex life together, you won't be thinking so much about the past. And my other point. Friggin. The number of people you slept with does not mean you are a great lover. It doesn't mean you have more experience necessarily. It just means you might have banged a lot of people. But that does not mean that you a skilled lover. What do you think, Menace?

Well, number one, that's a conversation that should never be discussed. There's absolutely zero benefit to it because like you said, either one person is going to be hurt by it and then it just taints your relationship. It's too late. This is just something you are just going to have to accept and get over it. Or not. Because it's something that you're going to constantly think about all the time.

Yeah.

And you're just gonna bring it up even years later because you're obsessed with it.

Yeah.

What does it matter? Does the whole town know that she hooked up with 40 people and then you constantly have to have a conversation about it or is it just between you two? And then if it's just between you two and that's the only time you have to deal with it, then it's up to you to get over it. Or not.

It's just. Yeah, exactly. It's like I was thinking about the whole town. Like, is the postman give her a smile and she's like, did you, did you also sleep with the post man? Did you deal with the pizza delivery guy? Yeah, I think absolutely. I think you have to just flip it and say like, oh, wow, I'm really am truly happy that she had these partners. I'm happy for her. Like, like it's a compersion. We talk about compersion meaning like people in open relationships actually get to a point where they feel joy for their partner having sex with someone else. If your partner was satisfied by another person, you love them so much and care so much about their satisfaction that you enjoy. So you could feel this from her past and say, I'm so glad she had fun and she had experiences and now she's with me. And you could just switch your mindset to that. It's a practice. Everything's a practice. So be happy for her and focus on the sex life you are having.

Yeah, I mean, from the emails, seems like he's happy.

He's happy. So when I said I want to date someone who's self aware and has done their work, to me, the fact that he can say, I know this is crazy that I'm obsessing, can you help me get out of this place? That is a man asking for help. I totally appreciate that. This is from Taylor, 20 in Chicago. Hey Dr. Emily. Just wondering if you have any fun tips on how to get your man aroused and turned on in a long distance relationship. We have a pretty active sex life whenever we're together. Obviously after months of not seeing each other, we're horny. But I was wondering if you had any tips on phone sex and sexy long distance relationships. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Menace, have you ever been in a.

Long distance relationship for like two weeks?

Right, exactly.

That was on the other person. I would have been perfectly fine having a long distance relationship. Like Monday through Friday. I just work like freaking crazy. So if I just only saw my partner on the weekends, I'll be perfectly fine with that. So I can totally do a long distance relationship. Zero issues with that.

Okay, so let's go back to Taylor, because Taylor. So here's the thing. First, so long distance relationships, I love that you're asking this question because it can be hard when you are not keeping the spark alive or that connection. So first off, you can get a toy. I would make sure that you have like a date night on the like you could say, okay, 8 o' clock on Saturday nights we're actually gonna have a date and we're going to have dinner. We have a glass of wine or even if just a drink. And we're going to talk about our relationship. We're gonna download our yes, no, maybe list, which is on our website. It's this really cool thing, minus that. I'm gonna give it to you as homework with your partner. It's 80, 90 sex acts. It's everything. It's kissing, touching, anal, spanking, dirty talk. And you can say with your partner, is this a yes, is it a no or is it a maybe? And then you find where your yeses are. Because maybe, Taylor, when you see your guy next time you'll be like, we both found out, we both like spanking. Or we're really both into anal play. Or we, we were finding our commonalities which will be ways that you can communicate so when you see each other again, you'll be like, oh, that's so, that's so hot. We could use something to look forward to. Your sex life is building even though you're not physically together. One more thing for Taylor, she wants to know about phone sex. So phone sex is about finding your own like sexy voice. And it's a lot slower than your typical voice. You're probably your normal voice, it's a little bit deeper, it's sort of just a breathier voice. Not a fake voice, just a voice. How you feel when you are in the moment when you're feeling turned on and aroused. Like, that's your sexy voice. And you could practice this in the shower. Practice in the mirror. Here's a great way to start with phone sex. What have you done in the past that's been hot? You can describe it like, oh, I keep thinking about last time we were together and you ripped my clothes off and it was so hot. You could describe something that you want to happen in the future or what's happening in the moment. I love the way your hands feel on my body. I love kissing you. So those are my main tips for phone sex and long distance. We're going to talk about this guy here. He didn't give his name, but he says, I'm a big fan of the show and I love that you've helped a lot of people, including me. So I'm a short guy, five five to be exact, and don't have a big package. When I've approached women in the past, most have just said, sorry, you're too short for me. The worst part is that most of these women are even shorter than I am. It sucks because it takes a lot for me to approach a woman, and the constant denial is starting to get to me. My question is, how could I change my approach? Or what should I do to show these women I'm worth being with? Thanks for your insight. Love the show. So height and penis size, it's a thing.

Okay. This has been a topic on our morning show because we have a guy on the show and he's into all the dating apps and all that kind of stuff. And he was saying on the profiles of certain women, they'll say, like, don't even contact me if you're not a certain height. Which is insane. Right? If it was the other way around, like, people would be losing their minds. But there is, what do you call them, heightists out there? And it's. I don't know, it kind of gets into.

A trend where people start saying bad things about short guys, and then it gets into the ether, into a public, I don't know, like, public feelings about short guys. That puts on a stigma where women don't want to date short guys.

Just, like what the ether or the society is at about women's weight. 100 years ago, 200 years ago, women had more curves and more rolls. Like, who said that rolls or jiggles of your skin wasn't sexy? So all that said, yeah, go ahead.

The trends, I don't know, five, seven years from now, it could be like, oh, short guys are the ish, it's all about short guys, tall guys suck. It's just whatever society feels at the time, which sucks. The only thing I can think of, I got these amazing shoes in New York dealer not too long ago and I put them on, not even realize I just bought them because I liked them. It gave me like 2 inch lift, like I'm 6 foot with these things on without even realizing it. To give yourself a little bit of height if you wanted, go ahead and do that.

I wear 2 inch sneakers all the time. What I want to challenge in here though is that he's saying that in the past, every woman I've approached you in the past, they just say, sorry, you're too short for me. That might happen with some women, but that's not gonna happen with every woman. So that's a story that he's already telling himself, that every woman has rejected him. And sometimes we create like this, oh, it's everybody. Maybe it was two women or maybe it was a few women, but it doesn't mean that you are not going to find your person. And I think that there's other ways. It says, you know, it takes a lot to approach a woman. I get it, it is not easy. But I love that you are approaching women, which is great. But also, maybe this would be a great time for the dating apps because not everybody on the dating app is saying their height. And I hear from women all the time who think, yes, I will agree that a lot of women do want someone taller, but they don't. They're not with someone taller. They don't end up that way. And they're happy and satisfied and in love. The best advice I have is just really working on yourself and realizing all of the gifts and all the things in you that make you a wonderful guy. Because you sound like a really articulate, smart, emotionally available man. And the more you can kind of lean into what your strengths are and practice just showing up as yourself and not like looking for, is she gonna reject me? Is she gonna say all these things? Because I have so many stories of people finding love with people that they didn't think was possible, they didn't think it was gonna happen. But it's all about your mindset change and knowing that it is possible.

It is a gift because you get to filter out all the people. If you have the confidence to approach people and talk to them again, it's a numbers game. So you get to quickly filter out the people that are not good match for you. And then you find the Person that is a good match for you, and you're going to love that person. That person's going to love you.

It is a numbers game. I love that you said that because it is so true that the more you put yourself out there and the more you talk to people and just keep going. That's the thing.

Yeah, it's a quick filter to find out who's awesome and who's not.

That's the other thing. When people reject you guys, remember, it is a great. I know it's hard to see in the moment, but when someone rejects you, it's like, all right, onto the next. It's like, why stay with someone for a year, for even a few weeks, or wait for a date when they could tell you right away? Like, great. Just keep weeding them out. Weeding them out. You'll find your person who's like, I don't know about height. I don't even care about penis. You know, because again, remember, let me talk about penis size for a minute just to give you this. It is not about your penis size. Men are more obsessed with their penises than anyone else's. After the break, we answer a question from Amanda, who's wondering how she can dip into being more dominant in the bedroom. Oh, hell, yes. Amanda, we got you. You're going to be dominating your husband in no time.

Okay, this is from Amanda, 43, in Missouri. I have a question about domination. Been with my husband for six years. We have amazing sex. I guess I've been blessed with a man that gets turned on by me getting off. We've come to this road and how he'd like me to be more dominant in the bedroom. At first, it was no big deal, but I lost all interest quick. I guess I'm not the type that likes to be the one doing all the work. When I come home from work super exhausted, and sometimes I just want to be pampered, and I want him to be dominant over me, but he's a switch, so he can go either way. I just want to know how can be more dominant without feeling like it's a chore? You know, I get this a lot from, like, in heterosexual couples, for women who are like, yeah, I know I gotta take charge, but I just don't want to. I'm really down with the guy doing everything sexually, and I get that. My advice here would be to find out what dominant looks like to him. It might not mean that he wants you to be a dominatrix and dressed up in, like, you know, with chains and high boots and, you know, a whip. And he might just mean, like, I want you to initiate every once in a while. I want you to put a blindfold on me. I want you to talk dirty to me, or use some demeaning words and spank him. I'd find out more. So you're not just making it up. And then you might get into it in the moment and realize it's not what you think it is, but it's still giving him pleasure. What do you think about this menace switching?

I agree. I think starting off with initiation, just. Just initiate in the beginning and then maybe ramping up to the blindfolding and the whips and the chains.

If he wants it.

If he wants it. But if you go hard in the paint, like in the beginning with all that kind of stuff, he might be like, oh, whoa, whoa. I don't know if I'm into. Into all this. Even though there's a lot of guys that don't want to be in control, they want to be dominated. They want somebody to initiate. If you just try to initiate and see what happens, go from there. And if you. I don't know, pushes you away for some reason, then have a conversation, which is. Emily's tagline has been that for I don't know how many years now. Communication is lubrication. It works.

It does work. Just talk about it. It's true. I'm not saying you should bring in the whips and the chains right away. Find out what it means to him, and then you get to figure out what he means. Because sometimes our partner say stuff to us, and we don't know what that means. Be more dominant. Dominant could be a lot. Mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So I think have another conversation. It makes sense that you're not as into it, because that could happen to me. I get it. I get it. We're used to having sex one way, But I found that when I've been more dominant. It's not what you people all think it is. It just meant that I was, like, more in charge of. Or I was in charge of the. I was in charge of the penis. Tonight, I was in charge of initiating. Initiating and making it like it was about his place. Usually I'm like, go down to me for, you know, an hour, and then we'll, you know, have sex. Not an hour, but, you know, sometimes. But then these nights, I'm like, it's all about you. Okay, here's what. Quick one, Dr. Emily, I've been seeing this guy for about a month now. I was at his house one night, he threw something away in his trash can, and there was a box for male desensitizing spray. I was puzzled because we have amazing sex and I've never needed him to last longer than he does. Which makes me question if he's sleeping with someone else or if he has a hard time holding back when we are intimate. But he hasn't communicated with me yet. We haven't had the exclusive talk. But I'm wondering, what am I missing? So let me say this. It might have been, like, promescent, you know? Promescent. It's that delay spray. But the thing is, what I think is, like, first, if you haven't had the exclusive talk, assume that they're sleeping with somebody else. That will save everyone a lot of suffering. Do not assume that someone's exclusive with you if you haven't talked about it yet. That's number one. Number two, like, maybe he is using the spray and lasting longer and you just don't know it. And that's the thing. I just. What do you think, Madis?

I just love how her mind's racing, too. He's sleeping with other people. It's absolutely. He's using that too last longer. 1,000%. But, I mean, people always. I do this, too. It's just like your mind starts racing and you have all these conspiracy theories on exactly what's happening, but they answer it right in front of you. That's what it's used for, to last longer. That's what he is doing. But, I mean, if you want to be in an exclusive relationship. Yeah. You should have had that conversation.

I would lead with that. I would lead with the exclusive conversation. It sounds like you're ready to have it with him and just say, hey, let's have the talk. Like, and here people think it's such a needy conversation. It could just be. I realized that I'm just gravitating towards spending more time with you, and I want to know if that's. If your head's in this game. Like, what do you. What are you thinking about our relationship so far? People think it has to be such a. Like a DTR to find the relationship. You don't have to make it like this, oh, I want this or I want that. Just explore with him and say, this is where I'm leaning towards. How are you feeling? And then you'll find out. And then. And then you could talk about. Once you feel exclusive with someone, then you kind of feel like you have more room to probably go deeper with your sexuality and talk about things and you feel safe. But I talked about that first.

Here's another thing, too. I highly recommend. Don't tell me you went through his trash, because that could be a. That could be a red flag for them that you're going through his trash. You're like, even though you explained it, like, I kind of just saw it when I was throwing something in there. Don't even acknowledge that.

It doesn't sound good.

It doesn't sound good. No matter what how you explain it. My recommendation.

Good tip, Menace. Good tip, Menace. It's so good to see you. Where can people find you?

Like, you can just find me online, just at Menace. It's easy. M E N A C E. And then the Woody Show. You just search the Woody show wherever, either on your radio station or just on podcast.

Thank you, Menace.

It's great talking with you.

Yeah. So good to see you. You're the best. I miss you. Talk to you soon.

You too. All right, bye.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline559 talk sex. That's 559-825-5739. Or just go to sex with emily.com askemily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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