Sex Dreams & SexEd for Teens with Anne Hodder-Shipp

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The most important thing is you don't want to try to steer your kid off of the subject they're asking about because they're there. That's the subject they're on and they are not. They are young adults. They have a whole lot more stress, a whole lot more to deal with now than we even did. So we can't treat them like they are less than we have to really treat them like they are just smaller sized adults. And they will respond to that. When you are meeting them as sort of an equal instead of I am your authority figure telling you what to do and where to steer the conversation. And you just get to be really transparent. Like I don't really know how to respond to that question because it freaks me out. But I really appreciate that you even asked me. That means you trusted me.

Yeah, that's what you would say, right?

And what the most important thing I'm finding is as long as a kid has some trusted adult to go to, it does not have to be their parent.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. This is Dr. Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by sex educator and dream worker Anne Hotter Shipp to talk about sex dreams as well as taking your calls. Topics include, so what do our sex dreams really mean? And are they trying to tell us something? Ways to talk to Teens about sex ed without shaming or blaming them and with the least amount of awkwardness possible. How to have more connected sex with your partner when you're on top of this is a tip you might not have heard before. And a tutorial on finding your G spot or your P spot, you know, for whatever body parts you have. All this and more, thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Why do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com for even more sex information that's going to help you have better sex. And find me on SiriusXM stars Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific on Starz channel 109. For more awesome sex talk, get a 30 day trial for free at sexwithemily.com sxm as always, find me on all social media ex with Emily across the board. All right guys, enjoy the show. I love Ann Hottership. I've known her for almost 10 years now. Almost. She's a dear friend and she's one of my favorite sex educators out there. I have a lot of friends who do this and but Anne is like the real deal and for so long I just admire your, your work ethic and your brain. And now she went, you guys, she went off. And you guys know how passionate I am about sex education. I was like we all friggin need it. And Ann developed the most awesome thing. It's called go to Everyone deserves sex ed dot com. And just so you know, we're going to put it in the show notes. If you go to sex on me dot com, click on show notes. Everything we talk about is there. So I'm going to put all of Anne's links and then Ann how to Ship with two P's is her also her website. Tell me Anne, about what you've created here because I'm so impressed with you and what you're doing.

Thank you. It's always so lovely to see you. Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So everyone deserves sex ed. We call it EDC because it sounds funny. It's an educational organization, so number one priority is being an access point if somebody needs help. So that could be one on one, like with coaching or education, or we'll hook you up with a sex therapist if you need to be to get that level of care. We also work with parents and teenagers who are like, I don't know how to deal with the birds and bees talk. What do I do if I walk in on my kid who's like jerking it in the bathroom? How do I even start the conversation about consent? It's stuff that none of us know how to do because we weren't taught when we were young. And now we're like adults with kids trying to wing it. It's just, it's terrifying.

It's terrifying. And like, it was terrifying. So parents know that they have to do something, but they didn't have the training either.

Right. Like none of us know and there's no and. So the only reason why I even know is because I had to go get trained to do it. And I spent a lot of time with a lot of 14 year olds teaching them ultimately a six or seven week course that was sanctioned by the state of California, like, very official. And I was able to really just like in the trenches, see what kids were asking about, talking about, laughing about, freaked out about. And it just. I honed a skill for being able to meet kids where they're at and.

Where are they right now? Because, like, have you seen Euphoria? And we're all obsessed with it here. I mean, you're like, oh my God.

I do not want to have children so intense.

I mean, I think it'd be hard. Well, I always knew that, but I think it's very hard to be a parent today. It's the hardest time ever. So tell me, what are they asking these 14 year olds? What would anything that surprise.

Well, the funny thing is, I think a lot of the kids, they're not actually overtly asking anything because they don't want to. They're embarrassed and they know that their parents or they are afraid that their parents are gonna like freak out and like ground them or something instead of actually meet them where they're at and answer their questions. So they're, they're looking stuff up online. I think a lot of kids are just curious about like, what, what's the normal age to have sex for the first time, how do I give a blow job that is good, which is so cute. It's just, do you tell them that.

Or you do first? What do they ask me?

I'm like, first, I.

Your pleasure?

Yeah, Well, I asked mostly it's sort of like, well, why do you want to know that? You know, why is it a number one question for you? I have no problem, like, talking about it, but also because you are, you know, a minor. Like, there are levels of ethics that I have to follow with, you know, responding to these questions. But I think what's really being asked is how do I behave in a way that makes me appealing to my partner? How do I stay lovable? How do I learn things so that my partners today and in the future won't leave me?

Right?

It's really. There's more. They're really asking so much more than they realize they are. And we have to really be able to sort of meet them where they're at and not freak out by the question itself and then be able to sort of like read into the subtext about what might be a more.

Relevant and important way to respond without telling them, you're too young for this or why are you asking that? Get off the Internet.

Which is exactly what's gonna happen is that their parents are gonna say, why are you asking? You don't need to know about sex or blowjob. So then how do you. At that age, you have to go slow. You have to figure out where they're at. But I just think that that would be so challenging to get them off the blowjob thing and to be like, no, like, let's talk about what it actually means. How are you? Right. Not by actually giving a blowjob. Right.

The most important thing is you don't want to try to steer your kid off of the subject they're asking about because they're there. That's the subject they're on. And they are not. They are young adults. They have a whole lot more stress, a whole lot more to deal with now than we even did. So we can't treat them like they are less than. We have to really treat them like they are just smaller sized adults. And they will respond to that. When you are meeting them as sort of an equal instead of, I am your authority figure telling you what to do and where to steer the conversation. And you just get to be really transparent. Like, I don't really know how to respond to that question because it freaks me out. But I really appreciate that you even Asked me. That means as a parent.

Yeah, that's what you would say. Right.

And what the most important thing I'm finding is as long as a kid has some trusted adult to go to, it does not have to be their parent or caregiver, but if they have access to some source, some resource, preferably a human one, not an Internet one. But those are okay too. Scarletene. Scarletene.

We love Scarlettine for kids.

Yeah.

We just.

They need access to an adult who can respond to their questions in a confidential, supportive way and handle the questions that parents aren't always prepared for. Even if, you know, if I have kids, I'm, you know, I'm trained to have these conversations. I don't know how it will feel to have my kid that I birthed and created come to me with some of these scary questions. And I like to think I will handle it well, of course.

Yeah. Better than most, hopefully.

Fingers crossed. But I also want to make sure that my kid has someone else to go to because when there is that sort of like blood bond or familial bond, it does create like some barriers into some of the conversations that need to be on.

It just does inherently.

Yeah.

Because even then it's like I don't know how you're going to get rid of. Like it's my parents. I don't want to think about them having sex. And so I think you're right. You know, I feel like I've been really grateful lately because, you know, I've chosen to be child free and I'm, you know, I love my decision, but I have a lot of kids in my life. Like I have nieces and my friends, kids now, they come over and they talk to me in ages, you know, 14 to 20, early 20s. And, and I love that they know, like I'm not gonna tell your parents. I'm gonna be that person for you. But yeah, I wish that I could be there for everyone. Now I have like my nieces and their friends all calling me once. I'm like, let's have a FaceTime call. But so how can people work with you at edzy? Everyone needs sex ed dot com. Like can parents just call? You can do one on one sessions or I know you're also doing trainings.

Yes. So we do everything from phone. We do zoom meeting if we want to have a face to face contact or people can actually come to my home office and work together one on one. Also some parents will bring their kid and then they want me to sort of have. Be able to Answer questions that their kids have with transparency about what's being discussed, but with sort of like group agreements ahead of time. Like this is privileged information. If I'm going to share with you what your kid is asking about, there needs to be an agreement that if there's some need to react, you talk to me before you react. Because we might actually need to work through something that's happening with you that isn't really about the kid at all. And we just want to preserve whatever type of connection we are trying to build without inadvertently setting it on fire. Because one day the kid just had a big freak out and decided to swear and run away. Whatever happens, we really just want everyone to feel as supportive as possible. And we also do we have a sex educator training. It's a 25 hour certification twice a year in Los Angeles. It is in person. There is a bit. There's something about being trained in person to answer questions that you just, you just lose it online. But we will at some point make an online version, but that is actually open to anyone. There are no prerequisites in terms of like education. We really just want anyone who is working in any field, whether it's parenting itself or social work or therapy or teacher. Any. Anybody who believes they will be at some point or has already been confronted with questions that they don't know how to answer or topics that they just feel very like grandparent about. Like they just do not know how to talk about gender or bodies or anything. No problem. You can actually get this training is considered foundational. So it's like 101, but very comprehensive. And so if that's all you need, you just need that information. Great. Pass the tests, you get a certificate on your way. If you want to start working in sex ed in some way, we use this as sort of a springboard. And then we, on the final day of the training, we let you know, here's where to go next for additional training and how to build a career.

Wow, that's great. And we get so many emails from people asking me, how'd you do it? How'd you get into it? So we're gonna send it that way. And the first one's in. I mean, not the first one, the second one. The second one is in November in Los Angeles.

Yes.

Okay, so we will put that in the show notes as well. Tell me, Ann Hoddership, a little bit about dreamwork.

Yeah, it's so interest. Dreamwork comes in a bunch of forms. The ones that people are tend to most be familiar with is archetypal things like, you know, Jung or Freud would talk about. What I'm trained in is something called holistic or natural dream work. And it's very focused on the emotions you have during your dreams and using that as a way to sort of bypass your conscious mind and really just get to the feelings part. It really helps translate into just a variety of situations in your awake life that you may not have ordinarily been able to really, like, process. Okay, so, for instance, you know, if we have a dream about an ex, it's one of the most common dreams I get asked about is, oh, my God, I had a dream that I fucked my ex last night. Does that mean I need you in my brain? Right. Should I call Jason? Are we meant to be? And it's like, nope, phone down immediately. Because dreams are not secret messages about, like, who we actually are. And, like, our dreams are not telling us deep, dark secrets that we just don't want to know about. They're just. It's like our mind having an opportunity to be like, all right, cool, she's asleep. What can we do in the next seven hours, maybe six hours, depending on, you know, our situation. And, like, they give us experiences using things that will spur emotions. Usually, they're emotions that we're typically numbed out to when we're awake. And our brain is really just, you know, our dreams are just, like, pure emotion. They are there to support us. Our dreams love us. They. Even if they're confronting. They're not confronting us to be dicks, you know, or assholes. Right? They're confronting us because they're like, oh, my God. We just really want you to see this because once you see this and really, like, feel it and get it, life is gonna keep moving forward. You're gonna be able to, like, get out of that stuck spot, or we're gonna. You're gonna get information about yourself that you didn't know you had. And so it's really there for just pure support.

So people who are having, like, disturbing dreams or over and over again, they're having, like, repeated themes that would be something that you could help them with if they're.

So why do you have a dream.

That I'm, like, falling out of an airplane? So you're saying if I have a dream about sleeping on my ex and jam dream about sleeping with her ex, it'd mean very different things. It would depend on what my ex meant to me when we broke up.

And how did it feel when you were fucking in the dream? Was it, like, exciting and did you have a thousand orgasms or were you fucking? You were like, what's for dinner? Or I forgot to turn the oven off, you know.

Right, right. I think it was good sex.

Well, that's good.

Yeah. I'm trying to remember, but then there's been things. I was like, it wasn't that great in bed. Now I'm just. I'm curious about how. So you actually got into dreamwork and you said it changed your life. And I know you've done a lot of work on yourself, so how did dream work help you, Ann? Because you're someone who's introspective and you go there and.

Yeah, well, I. About five, little more than five years ago, I started dating someone who felt very like a kind of a woo woo guy. And I just figured, you know, he'd be really, like, really good in bed. Maybe we do yoga together. And like, that was kind of it. And now, of course, we're married, so. But, you know, he hates yoga, but he's fantastic in bed. So it really scored there. He just sort of gifted me a dreamwork session and I was like, what the fuck is this hippie stuff? And tried it and I just. Even though I didn't quite click with it, I just knew there was something there. So I just kept going. And I've been basically going, once again, doing it once a week over the phone for more than five years.

Wow.

And I just found it. It's given me. It's broken down some of the layers that regardless of how introspective I feel that I am in my conscious mind, it can only go so deep because my conscious mind is busy. It's really, like, in control. It loves control. It likes to believe what it knows is true and thinks is true. And your subconscious is really. Your dreams kind of like, shine a different light where it's like, yeah, that's. Maybe that's true, but maybe this is. Maybe this is true.

Can you give an example from your life of something that you.

Yeah, okay. I mean, I really believed myself to be. I had disordered eating and compulsive exercise issues for the majority of my life, all with this ultimately internalized fat phobia. I can't be fat. I grew up overweight, or my doctors would say overweight when I was young. So bigger body equaled bad and unlovable. So I really believed that I was like, over that or I had moved through it or something. And I would consistently have dreams where I was incredibly aware of other people looking at me. And I would be seeing women with bigger bodies in my dreams and be judging them about the clothes that they were wearing or the way that they were dancing in front of me. And I was really, like, able to, like, rationalize why I felt that way about these bigger bodies. Like, here's why crop tops are not okay for bigger bodies, which really was just a rule. Here's why Ann can't wear crop tops, because I have had a big thing about crop tops, which I've been breaking through. I wear more crop tops now.

You always look at me. It's got great style, too, by the way.

Thanks.

Thanks.

And so with the dream worker, she really just kind of kept having to ask me, like, so why. Why do you feel that way about the big girl dancing? And I would sit there like, well. And I would just do what I could to explain and explain and explain. And she'd be like, well, I still don't really understand, like, why do you think you feel that way about her? And then it got to the point where I was just like, oh, fuck.

Okay.

Fuck.

I'm not that evolved when it comes to bodies. Meanwhile, this, of course, is five years ago, so a lot has happened since then. But this was one of the themes that would come up at the beginning of my. My own dream work work. And maybe three years in, my dream worker was sort of like, do you want to learn to do this? Because I feel like you'd be good at it. And I realized that there was a direct link with working with sexuality and working with dreams and emotions. It's like a beautiful Venn diagram.

Explain to me that. So would you say that a lot of us have that are sort of, like, repressive, like, repressed thoughts about sex?

It's such a good question. I have found that most of the time when we dream about sex, it's not literally about our sex life at all. The thing about dreams is that they're not literal and they're not logical. So the stuff that happens in your dreams, if you try to make sense of them when you're awake, like, don't bother. They don't make any sense at all, and they're not literal. So, like, if you are robbing a bank in your dream, that does not mean that you secretly want to be a criminal.

It.

It's all about, like, the feeling of the experience. And so a lot of sex dreams actually have everything to do with just desire. Not just sexual desire, but, like, what do you want in life? Pleasure in general? What makes you happy? Letting go, receiving fear and shame often come up in sex dreams. And it could totally apply to how you feel about sex when you're awake. But often you can also apply the feelings that you had during the sex dream to like how you feel about work or your relationship with your family or your friends or how you feel about your relationship with yourself.

Because they do say how you do one thing is how you do everything. So it would make sense if you've having some kind of angst in your dreams about something, maybe it's like jealous or threat or shame that that is probably coming up in other places. And if you could heal it, the sex part of it, may that help you heal the other parts. Okay, Jamie had a sex dream. Producer Jamie.

I did last night.

Okay, talk to our friend Anne.

So in this lay down here on the couch, I'm. There's this guy that I'm seeing just periodically. And then I also was with my roommate who's my best friend, who was also gay. And we're at this party and we're both walking around. I'm holding both of their hands. I'm being kind of lovey dovey with both of them. And the one guy that I've been seeing is getting a little weirded out that I have this other person around. But I'm not in the dream. I'm not connecting as to why because I'm just trying to be open about seeing multiple people. But that person was not someone that I was seeing. Seriously. We're just lovey dovey because we're best friends. Got it.

So I'll recap. The dream was you were at an event. You were with a person that you're seeing in your waking life.

Yes.

And your gay roommate. And you were holding hands and feeling. How were you feeling when you were with the two of them in the dream?

I was feeling great because it was also like in the dream, I was thinking about the sex I was going to have with the person I'm seeing in my waking life. Because there ended up being sex at the end of the dream. But I felt like there was resentment during the sex.

Interesting. So that's extra layers. So you were with the two of them and when you say that the dude you're seeing was getting weirded out, you mean like jelly jealousy vibes?

Yes.

Okay, how did that come through? How did you know he was feeling jealous?

He was giving me very odd looks. And I also, I pick up on energy a lot. So he was just kind of like trying to speak. He was a Little bit more standoffish, in a sense, but then also trying to, like, take me away. It was weird.

Okay.

A lot of back and forth.

There's so. There's a lot potentially here. And in a good way. Every dream. Every dream has so much, but it's. It's like, not scary. Like, the more information you get, it just means, like, the more info you know about you have about yourself. So this is definitely, you know, an abridged version of what a dream work session would be like. I would normally ask you to write the dream down also, so I could. We can both look at it. It's often. If you were saying, like, the dude that you're seeing was watching you and giving you looks and trying to pull you away from your gay roommate.

Yes.

Okay. And how did you feel when he was doing that?

I was like, what's going on? Like, I just didn't get it. Like, there was, like, a disconnect there because I was like, there's nothing serious happening there because that's just like, we're just really close.

And were you feeling this in the dream or is this how you sort of talk about it when you're awake?

No, this was just in the dream.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

And so he interpreted that as jealousy from him. What happened after that?

And then I kind of, like, was just like, what's going on? He's like, nothing. And then we moved through this event that we were at, and then he just. The whole time, it just seemed weird. And we ended up having sex at the end of the dream. But I could see in his facial expressions there was, like, resentments, and I didn't know what that was.

What isn't a resentful facial expression for you?

Like, kind of like he was doing it, but begrudgingly. Like, he was having sex with me, but kind of like not as enthusiastic as he normally looks.

Okay, so his face specifically didn't look as enthusiastic. It just looked different. How would you describe the face?

Oh, shit.

It was kind of like. No, more of like, disgust.

So a face that you would not imagine him having. You don't associate disgust with having sex?

No.

So it's interesting. I wonder, at the beginning of the dream, this feeling that you're getting from the guy that you're seeing. What's interesting in dreams is we often feel like we're convinced what someone else in the dream is feeling or what they're actually doing, but we always have to really think about, well, what do I actually know in the dream? So this. The guy was Watching you, kind of pulling you away and was making some facial expressions that you associate with jealousy. I wonder, is it possible that there's another way to sort of see what was happening here? Could you imagine being him watching you with your roommate?

Yes.

How would you feel if you were in his shoes?

Okay. I guess it would be weird had he not known the sexual orientation of my roommate.

Well, remember, we don't want to put logic in the dream because it has to face.

So I guess. No. So then I guess I was not giving him all of the attention that he maybe had thought was going to happen before going to this event.

Well, I think what's really here, this. This might show a little bit of your relationship to how you feel about dating multiple people in general.

Oh, damn.

So the idea is, you know, when there are other people in our dreams, they aren't literally who they are necessarily. There's like, who are they to us? How do we feel about them? What do they mean to us? So, like, you're a gay roommate. What does he mean to you? Or what did they mean to you? How do you feel about them?

Okay, that's actually, this is making more sense now because he is like my rock. He's my person. Like, I love him more than anyone in the world.

So he's the sense of safety.

Yes.

And what does this other dude kind of mean to you? Is it weird to say this online?

No.

Or on the air?

He's cool. He's very similar to me in personality. I've never dated someone like that before, but it's not serious and I don't really see it going anywhere except for just having fun once in a while.

Okay. So not necessarily a sense of safety or rooting in anything?

Oh, no. I mean, I don't expect a lot. There's been a lot of layers to that.

I'm sure there always are. So I think that's interesting. There's. There's an experience here in the dream where sort of like this sort of fun, low commitment, not as important person is trying to pull you away from like your safety rock sensation.

And I think if you can picture what it might feel like to be the dude, that means a little bit less and like, watch you interact with this sense of safety and like, want to pull you away from that. Like, what would you. Would you feel jealousy looking at that happen? Would you feel left out? Would you feel like I want in on that? You know, you don't have to answer even that now, but like, this is stuff to kind of.

That's really interesting what's coming unlocked here.

Yeah. Especially then after you end up, you do leave your sense of safety. Gay roommate rock.

Yeah.

And walk with rando, not rando dudes, literally, if I'm gonna call him that, because it's easy. And then you, like, go to do this party and then you do fuck at the end. And you're very conscious of how he looks and what his face is like. How do you feel when you're having sex with him?

Um, I mean, did you have fun?

Did. Was it enjoyable? Did it feel pleasurable? Any of those things?

Yeah, I mean, I guess I was really focused on because I was on top too, so I kind of was really focused on. I just, like, didn't get his face. But the sex itself felt fine.

Felt fine. What's fine?

I mean, I don't know. I guess I wasn't so focused on how the sex is making me feel.

Because you were really focused on what he was looking like in his facial expression. Yes. So then I would probably ask, is this a familiar experience in your waking life when you're having sex with people? Are you more focused on the time they're having, what their face is doing, if they're having a good time, if they're not, and less so on your own experience?

I used to be that way, but now I'm a lot more into, like, what I'm feeling and more of a shared experience. Like, I do care about what they're feeling. Sure. But I'm making sure that, like, I move in a way where I know that it's gonna be good regardless of. Because of me.

Yeah, that's good. See, that's very empowering. So in a way, I could see how it could kind of come up. A lot of the issues that you're having with every area of your life, maybe feeling. Learning to, like, you know, feel lovable and then ask for what you want bad. And you've become much more stronger. This in the last few years, especially, you know, since I've known you. We're going to take a quick break and we come back even more and harder ship and answering your questions.

You talked earlier and that what you've worked through is a lot of body image challenges. And we have a call coming in right now, and I'd love you to help me answer this as well.

We have Emily, 29, in Massachusetts. She's self conscious when she rides her boyfriend and he gets soft.

Oh, okay. Hey, Emily, thank you for calling. So I'm so glad you called this question. Right now because we do get a lot of questions about women. They're like uncomfortable on top. They're not comfortable in their bodies, you know, body image. It's just. I think that a lot of us are just in our head. Heads during sex, so. Hi, Emily. Got two of us here. How you doing?

Hi.

I'm good.

How are you guys?

Good.

Okay, so tell us what's going on. We can help.

So when I am on top and it's not necessarily a body, I don't know if it's a body image for me. I think it's self conscious of the fact of like, maybe. I don't know exactly what.

Right, that too. Right. What to do, how to move. Huh?

Yeah. Yeah. And so when that happens, I mean, I feel confident in the moment, but sometimes I. He may not. And he says he thinks he's like. He's convinced that it's some type of like, blood flow issue. But I wor. I. I feel like it could be either something more or if he. He really likes the feeling of being in control when we're having sex, which I always appreciate. But it's sometimes nice to mix it up.

Yeah.

Because you want to get on top.

Really.

Yeah.

And we do really have a great sex life in that.

In.

In that sense. So it's just. I just. It just isn't doing a whole lot when he does get soft and I am on top for myself. Like me, you know?

Yeah, Yeah. I was gonna say. Well, Emily, so when you're out. So let's maybe go over that on top thing too, because just, let's just cover that in giving women confidence, like when you, you know, get on top. What, what to do?

I think most thing, most of the time being on top is really pleasurable because it allows.

Allows the woman to really, like, position her hips and move her hips and. And take control of the rhythm so that it feels good specifically to her. You know, the penis is getting what the penis enjoys, which is like, warm, tight orifices, wetness, all the good stuff, plus being able to like, lie there. So it's really. Take the time to really just explore what feels good to you. When you're in certain positions, certain angles moving front to back or up and down or side to side or swirls, and just, just really focus on what works for you. Be less focused on what can I do to keep the dick hard, because that's not your job. Your job at this point is to really get as clear as possible on what works for you on top. And I Can tell you Most, I think 80 ish percent a majority of times for men who are under 50 who are having issues with erectile maintenance. It's not a physical issue. It's usually a psychosomatic and something having to do with what's going up in their head. The brain head, not the.

Right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

Definitely feels that way.

It definitely feels that way. Like when we're having sex, even if he's on top. And it is very rare, so to speak, about, like, him not being hard, but it. When he isn't, it's because he gets in his head about certain things.

Totally.

I don't know. I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if there's anything I can do about that.

Yeah, I mean, I think it sounds like the both of you could work on a little more connectedness during sex. And talking about this outside the bedroom, noticing that this kind of is a pattern that you're recognizing that you want to become more confident on top. And when he's getting hard, you can tell him, you can reassure him that, you know, I'm just trying to figure out how I move and feel, what feels good and it's okay if you get soft or hard. Like, you could just let him know that, like, not to give him kind of like a no pressure situation so he's not getting too caught up in it. But there's also ways for you guys to start feeling like you're more connected. And that often comes through conversations that we have, like outside the bedroom about what they both want. Because if he's also really. You said the thing about control. So maybe if he wants to be more dominant. Emily, you, you could figure out a, that you guys can create a more dominant submissive role even if you are on top. Like, he's talking, she's saying he's in charge of you. Like, he's like, I'm gonna move. You know, his hands are on your waist maybe, or he's. You use some language around it. Yeah. Kind of scenario right now.

If he needs to participate in that level, he totally can. As long as it's, you know, something that also still works for you. He can be the one positioning you. He can, you know, move your butt cheeks up and down while you go up and down. So it's sort of like he gets to try to control the rhythm while you're also gyrating on top. And I also, you know, communicating during. It's really, you know, some people think that it's. I don't know, cheesy or not sexy, but, you know, checking in, like, how does this feel? Does this feel good? I want to try to the left or I'm. Hold on. Let me scooch over. Oh, yeah, that's good. That really works. And communicating during the moments, let the two of you kind of, like, check in with each other about what's working and what's not. So the pressure is off about trying to, like, get it right and not disappoint the other person. And, you know, all of the things that end up basically being, like, figurative and literal boner killers.

Right, Exactly. I think that's such a. Yeah. What do you think about that, Emily? Because I think that's such a great point. Because we think that it's going to be awkward and weird going, like, to the left or move my body to the right. And these are the things that are cool to talk about in the bedroom. I always say, don't have the talks about, like, how much you hate going down on your partner in the bedroom or why you're not or whatever, but these kind of things actually pulls yourself. What I love about this and the way you're describing it is like. Like, you're in it together, so it's intimate, and then you're. He's not thinking about his dick going soft, and I'm like, you're not thinking that you don't know what you're doing because you're figuring it out together. And that is intimate, and that is what you see, and that is hot.

Yeah, I. I completely agree. I really like the idea of, like, having him be in control of me as long as it's working for me, like, while I am on top, to see if that works for him as well. Because, I mean, the ultimate goal is for us to be together. And, you know, I want to feel good, but I also want my partner to feel good.

Of course.

Right.

I think that's. I think that's a really good idea.

Teamwork.

Okay.

Awesome, Emily. Let us know how it goes.

All right, we have Rick, 48, in Canada, who wants to know why he can't remember any of his dreams.

Oh, good question, Rick. Such a good question. This comes up all the time, Rick, when people are like, but I can't do dream work. I don't remember it. So thanks for calling, Rick.

Yeah, thanks for taking my call.

Of course. Okay. So you never remember your dream?

Never.

All right, Ann. Step one.

It's really common, so a lot of the times I appreciate that you're even able to say, I don't remember them. Because most people say, oh, I don't dream. It's like, no, you definitely do. You just don't remember. So what can really be helpful is it's almost like exercising a muscle. You don't have to sort of remember them word for word the minute you wake up. But if you sort of consciously, before you're going to sleep, just say to yourself, I would really like to remember my dreams in the morning. I'm going to remember my dreams. I really want to remember my dreams. And just kind of like setting an intention. And as soon as you wake up, just check in with how your body is feeling. Is there tension anywhere? Is there anywhere that's warm or soft or tingly? Are there any emotions that you might be feeling as you wake up? Those might be the sort of stepping stones into remembering more of your dreams, moving forward. So if you can remember, like, oh, I feel a little bit anxious or I feel excited or I feel sad, write it down somewhere and just get it out of your head and just write it down. And I like to think of it as, like, waking up your subconscious. And your subconscious will be like, oh, my God, he's listening. Oh, my God, let's do it. Let's do it. And like, so as the nights go on and you continue setting the intention when you go to sleep and then writing down whatever you can feel the next day, you might find that more of the narrative of the dream might stick around. And in case this is helpful, even if you can't remember the who, what, where, when of the dream, the plot is less important than the feelings you have have during the dreams. So it's okay if you actually can't remember the whole thing. But if you notice that you wake up feeling really anxious or you wake up feeling really sad, that might be. Those are the emotions that are sticking around long enough to sort of show you, like, okay, maybe I need to build a different relationship to sadness. Am I numbing sadness in my waking life? Am I sad all the time? And I don't know how to let joy in there too. You know, use them as little stepping stones to get further into the dreams.

Okay.

All right, Rick, how's it sound? Not sure how much that's gonna help at all.

I'll give it a try.

It does work. Okay, thank you. I'll tell you why. Because when I was in college, I took. I took a dream class. I was psychology major in Michigan, and we had to take a dream class, and I did not remember my Dreams. And it was like, I remember them saying, like, we'll set your alarm for 15 minutes earlier in the morning and do that thing where you like snooze. Because then as you remember dreams there and then it was also like set an intention that you're gonna remember it. And that totally worked. And after like a week, I had like a whole dream journal and I was able to write my final paper and it was fascinating. So I feel like it's really just putting that intention that like, I would like to remember them. I think that that does work. I absolutely do. Ann.

Usually when we don't remember dreams, it's because our brain doesn't want to. And so it lets go.

What about like drugs or drinking? Like, I know, like smoking weed. You don't remember your dreams often?

Yeah, I mean, if we're messing with our cognition in any way before we're going to sleep, it. It very much will impair how we remember our dreams or how we dream in general. It doesn't necessarily mean it's like a bad thing. Just know it might disrupt stuff.

But we're still having dreams. If we can't remember that, we're always dreaming.

You know, as long as you're in REM sleep. Yeah, you're having dreams of some sort.

And I love that you're here because you are very well equipped to help me teach our Just the tip Tuesday. Okay, here's our sex hack. Cause it's back to sex basics this month. Everyone's going back to school and we're like, okay, let's talk about everyone's favorite question. One of the top questions. How do you find the goddamn G spot? And the P spot for men, your prostate. How do you find that spot? I think it's a great way to first of all, to know that if you haven't had an internal orgasm yet, it doesn't mean that you can't. You might have been having intercourse. We're talking about like, you know, heterosexual relationships. I think that we often feel like the penis is going to be all the answers for women, that we're going to have one that way. And not everyone does.

The majority of people don't.

The majority of people do not. Do not. I would say 20% do. It doesn't mean that you can't find your G spot just because a penis didn't help you find it. Or maybe you didn't really. You gotta put in some time.

Yeah. Penises aren't built to find anything. They're just like, they're just phalluses that go in and out of orifices.

Right, Exactly.

Let's just normalize what a penis is capable of and not make it this, like, superhero thing.

Oh, no.

Thank you very much. Pressure. We're gonna take the penis off the pedestal, you guys. It's not the penis's fault. So finding the G spot. Yeah. Because it can mix up your whole sex life. I know when I had to find it through my own handiwork.

Yeah.

And so I feel like, you know, not relying on intercourse, knowing that that's not only the best way. And then what we said and why I love Ann's here, because I've explained this a lot, and I'm sure that Ann's, you know, that it's. To find it. The best way is really through fingers or through a toy. We often talk about, like, two fingers in a come hither motion inside, like about an inch and a half inside, going towards the belly button. That's kind of what it can feel like. But, Ann, tell me how you would if I called you and I said, how do I find my G spot? Ann?

Well, I would say first. Yeah, do it by yourself. I definitely recommend using fingers because it just, you know, toys. You don't feel what the toy is feeling. You know, there's a disconnect between what. What you're holding and what you're feeling in your body. Get a little bit aroused first. It actually, your whole, you know, nether regions sort of swell with blood. As we get aroused, it kind of like gets nice and puffy and sensitive. It actually helps the G spot protrude a little bit more. So it might make it easier to feel, but. Totally agree. One or two fingers in the vagina and press upward toward the belly button and feel around for a ridgy, sort of like a walnut shell sensation. That is the G spot area. That is that spongy tissue. And it might actually be kind of bulging out a little bit if you're already turned on.

Yeah. I would say it helps to, like, have a clitoral orgasm. Knock a few of those out.

Yeah. And just, you know, take the pressure off. Like a reminder, you know, 30 to 20% of people with vaginas do not have orgasms from something just being stuck in the vagina. So that means even finding your G spot does not necessarily mean you're going to start coming all over the place. It just can help a clitoral orgasm feel even more intense if there's also attention put on the G spot. So finding the G spot is very much for when we are playing with our fingers or if our partner's fingers are in us or during oral sex, if there's something being put inside of us. A penis is not sort of curved upward. Most of them aren't in a way that would help stimulate the G spot in the way that, like, a finger could or a curved sex toy could. So everyone just can just, like, take the pressure off about, you know, how it's supposed to be and just play around and explore with your fingers first.

Just get curious about it. It might take you a few times. It might take you a few years. Like, you probably. But I believe that you could find it.

Yeah. I mean, and not every. Because everyone is a snowflake. We are all put together differently. We all have different bits and pieces and different sizes. So there are some people with vaginas who are like, I don't actually know if I have this spongy tissue here. I don't feel ridges. If that's you, no problem. There's nothing broken. There's nothing bad. You still have all of the bits and pieces that you need to be able to have pleasurable sex on your own or with someone else.

Exactly. It's kind of similar to find your prostate as well.

It's definitely a similar process.

So if you're a man and you've been thinking you have a prostate and you're like, oh, I've kind of heard about that. But what do I do?

Fingers are definitely important. I would say wear latex or nitrile gloves just so that you don't have to worry about fingernails. And if you're kind of squidgy about butt stuff and poop or whatever, because poop is part of the deal when you're playing, you know, except it. But yeah, maybe two inches in and you sort of, you know, the come hither, move your finger up and feel again for like, a ridgy walnut shell, rounded little gland. The prostate gland is like a little. Kind of like a walnut.

We learned that in sex ed school. Walnut. One time I said a peach pit, and I'm like, no, it's a walnut.

That could work, too.

That could work. Then you find that area. You supply pleasure.

Yeah. And play with it, too, because, you know, don't poke at it real hard right away because that might actually be too much. And also be prepared, you know, not everyone likes having it touched. Not everyone likes the G spot being touched. Just see how it feels. And if it feels good with a little bit of pressure, keep going until you reach the point where it you know, it's perfect or it's too much and then back off. And. And if you don't like it at all, no problem.

No problem. Not everyone likes everything. And some women don't like their clitoris talk.

Exactly.

Some men don't let their balls touch. Some. You know, you guys, it's different on everybody, which is why, you know, learning to become a great lover and you want all the tips and tricks is really finding out what you need, your own body and what feels good. That's how you become a great lover. And then you're, you know, attentive with your partner and all those things, and you get curious about your partner's body. But it's not like some magic tricks. And it's very true. People think it's all these moves. I'm like. And be like, well, my. We hear this all the time too, Anne. That people are like, oh, well, my girlfriend's had so many lovers before me, and I'm so intimidated. Or, he's been with so many women. That doesn't mean anything. Like, I can show you a man who slept with 60 chicks, and the same guy's, like, not gonna know how to go down on me.

Absolutely. Because everyone experiences it so different. There is no one way to pleasure anybody.

We have a phone call. Megan, 24, in Texas. She works in a hospital, and she wants to know how to stop looking at sex so clinically when she's off the clock and with her partner.

Oh. Oh, my God. That's such a great question. Thank you for calling. Hey, Megan.

Hi.

Hi. So. So you're 24 and you. So you've. You tell me what's going on. Have you worked in the hospital for a while, or is it kind of a new job and now you're feeling like it's impacting your sex life?

I've worked in the hospital for a while in a couple different capacities. I worked for a while where I was working more in a nursing assistant role, and then I've transitioned into medical school training to where I'm around patients. I'm talking to patients on my gynecology rotations, and I feel like the more that I. I study about everything and talk to patients about things, that when I come home, I just feel more clinical. And listening to your conversation about the G spot, I think about it. That makes so much sense, and I can apply that. But then when I get home, I just. I can't break out of that mode.

Oh, that's such a good point.

I really relate. This is something That a lot of sex educators we talk about on Twitter a lot where it's sort of like sex educators. The more you get into the business, the less sex you have because you're just so either exhausted or you're always just in intellectual mode. So I very much relate and I want to normalize the experience. It is something that happens. The more you learn about something, you demystify it, which means some of like the exciting unknown is now gone and you not only do you know things about it, but you know all the technical terms, you know, and so it kind of like it makes it a little less sexy. The most important thing though is when we realize that we are sort of like our relationship to sex is shifting as a result of learning more about it. It just means that we are in an intellectualized place. We are in our head about it. We're processing information and we're sharing it and we're educating and we're learning and learning and learning. And that means we're in our head and not in our bodies. So what's nice is it doesn't mean we have to stay there and live there forever. If you come home and you're ready to sort of be non, you know, non work person, you want to be in like sexy mode or any other type of place except for where you've been at work, you know, anything is better than being at work. When you're home, do something to connect into your body. And that could be anything from like doing a little bit of movement. It could be stretching. It could be feeling textures and sensations with your hands. It could be drinking something and eating something that has a taste or a flavor that you really like. It could be doing skin to skin contact, whether it's a hug or cuddling or something with your partner to start reminding your body that it also exists and everything isn't just happening in your head.

Yeah, I like that you're talking about engaging the senses. So essentially when you go home, it's like play your favorite music so you can hear that you light your favorite candle because you smell the candle and like that's setting the atmosphere. It's like having. Having things at home that will kind of trigger to you. Like, this is sex time. I'm off of work. Like Megan's decompressing now and I'm going to get into sexy time mode for Megan.

Awesome.

That sounds great. Thank you guys so much.

Of course. Let us know how it goes. Thank you, Megan. So really it is true sometimes. Yeah, I get it. Thanks, Megan. And thank you, Ann Hoddership. And you guys can also find her on Instagram. It's Heannehodder. A N N E H O D D R. Just go to our. Go to our Instagram as well. We just did a story too. You can see Ann. She's lovely and beautiful and smart. I love her big brain. Yeah. Sometimes I take it home with me, too, and people are like, do you ever not want sex because of what you do? And I was like, no, that's ridiculous. Like, chefs still have to go home and eat. But I do understand that, like, sometimes I'm just like, I don't. It's. I'm in my body. I'm like, I have to call. And even when I have to masturbate, like, I have three toys to try, and they're by my bed. I'm, like, resisting.

Cause it's, like, work. Absolutely.

Even trying the new melt by Womanizer. It's amazing. Okay, I melted. I tried it.

We had to have you. Kristen, put it on your. Your calendar.

It was in my calendar. Try the. Masturbated. This masturbate did. That is super sexy. That's not even sexy. But, you guys, I get there because I have my masturbation rituals. Do you have a masturbation ritual, Anne?

Yes and no. I. I think that my relationship to masturbation lately has shifted. Very much so. There's definitely, like, I've lost interest in it, I think. You know, I've been working in the adult industry and with sex toys for, like, 13 or 14 years, so I've seen it all. Like, sex toys, they don't excite me. I know who makes them. I know how all the boring stuff similar to what Megan was sharing. Like, I know too much. I know too much. So now it's really. If I found a moment where I am, I've been. Something has shifted me out of work mode because I also have a home office. So it's hard to shift out of work and into home when it's all in the same spot. But if I get a little glimmer of the desire of desire. Like, something. Maybe I saw something during my research that was, like, hot to me. Or maybe I had a memory that just sort of, like, flipped in, or my partner said something to me or texted something to me, I will choose. In that moment, do I have the time and the space to hold on to this little flicker and turn it into a flame, or do I just let it go and move on to the next?

When I'm very busy during the day. Sometimes I just let it go, but I don't feel neglected or sad by that. I have other things that help help me feel nurtured and connected. And other times I'm like, yeah, I totally have 20 minutes, let's go for it. And in that moment I remove myself from the environment that I was in previously and put myself into an environment that I do not associate with work at all.

Thanks everyone for listening, supporting the show, sharing it with your friends, reviewing us subscribing. We love when you do that and I love you all. And thanks to our amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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