Sex Drives & Relationship Vibes

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and helping you navigate your sex and relationships. Topics include things you really shouldn't tolerate after 1 year into a relationship, low sex drive, here's what to do, pain from birth control and squirting after childbirth, what's the deal, and ways to get past jealousy in an open relationship. All this and more. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? 'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, check out our website. And also, you guys, we love when you comment and subscribe on iTunes. So helpful for the show. And check out our podcast on Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, really all over the place. However you listen to podcasts, You can find our podcast there. Also, it's been great seeing everybody on all of our social media, @sexwithemily on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all those fun places. Okay, you guys, this is a call show. I love taking your calls. It's really fun, you guys. So I hope you join me, call with your questions. We can get to the bottom of everything right away, which is fun. So first, here's some sex in the news. Things you shouldn't tolerate after 1 year into the relationship. Okay guys, what I thought about this was I thought it was a great reminder of if you're in a relationship, these are really important things to consider because I'm looking at this going, I've been in relationships for 2 years, 3 years, a longer time, and these are some of our issues. So even if you're in a longer relationship, make sure that you've got most of these, if not all of these, under control. The first thing, you guys, is conflict avoidance. Now I get it, when you're in the honeymoon stage and you're starting out in a relationship, this is where we don't really address our challenges and our problems head on. We still live in that kind of la-la land, like, you know, putting on our best behavior and being the best version of ourselves. We kind of brush everything, you know, under the rug. We might be ignoring situations that come up, but if you're with someone for a year or longer, we have to start looking at conflicts and learning how to address them and discuss them. So what I'm telling you is just like communicating about sex, when you start to address conflicts, whatever they are, first of all, it gets easier, but also these things won't fester because if you're not dealing with them now, they don't go away. Remember, whatever you resist persists. So make sure that you are dealing with conflicts. Red flags, you guys, there's different kinds of red flags. Okay. Well, actually there's problems you have in the relationship, things that bug you, and then there's red flags. Red flags are essentially deal breakers. And things that bug you, like if they're messy, then you'll just know that they're probably going to be messy. And if you can deal with, you know, always being the one to put the dishes away and maybe they're bringing in the trash can, you're fine. You can kind of deal with that. But if, you know, they're a really toxic person or there's like behavioral stuff, like they're drinking a lot or they're not taking their job seriously, or they're just abusive towards you emotionally, obviously, or physically, these are things that do not change unless somebody, number one, recognizes they have a problem and then they get help. So it doesn't magically disappear.

Appear.

So if there— look at your relationship and say, is this a red flag or, ah, I can deal with it? You know, I remember I was dating someone when I was younger and I said to my mom, I don't like his— this sounds really silly, but I was like 24. I was like, mom, I don't like the shorts he's wearing. I was in San Francisco and no one wore shorts and it was a silly thing. And I'm like, he wears these weird shorts. And she's like, Emily, you can always take someone shopping and buy them new clothes or whatever, but he's a lovely person. And he really was. So think about if you're thinking about something silly or something that is real. Okay, you guys, inability to compromise. I'm not a huge fan of compromise, I gotta be honest, but this is something I've also learned in relationships. I'm very independent, I like doing my own thing, but if you feel like you're always the one bending over backwards, you're always the one who's changing your schedule around or driving your partner places or deciding to do what they wanna do, go out with their friends, go to the movies they wanna see, when are you gonna get yours? So think about it, talk to your partner about it. It is about compromise, that's how you're gonna get along. It's not always you, being the one, because remember, you get being the martyr essentially, because if you're the one who's always doing things for your partner and you're not getting your needs met, there's probably some resentments going on. So if they're not compromising with you, find out why and see if you can deal with it, because if not, time to move on. Lack of commitment. Here's another one, you guys. You can tell if your partner is keeping you at arm's length even after a year. It could be a sign that you don't want the same things. Like, if you're like, I'm thinking ahead to the holidays, I want you to come home and meet my family. You know, I want you to take me to my cousin's wedding this and they've literally never said anything but like, let's watch a movie tonight at your house, that would be another sign for you that you might not be on the same page and they might not be looking at the commitment the same way. But this is a great one because this is actually more black and white. Like either they are including you in long-term plans and commitments and thinking about your future or they're not. So think about that one. If your sex life isn't balanced after a year, you know, I feel it. If it's unbalanced after a week, I think you should start working on it. But definitely after, you know, some time, you should start working on it because they're always changing. We all know the honeymoon phase is real and that the first few months having sex with anyone, even like a tree, could be amazing. Not that you would sex with a tree, but I'm looking at this door in front of me. I'm like, you could literally have sex with something and it's new and exciting and it's unknown and it's great. But if it's still a year, you know, you gotta talk about sex. What you want and all your desires. So that's a big one too. Okay, here's another one. I hear this one all the time. Ex issues. If your partner is still hung up on their ex and you feel like, you know, they have this secret relationship and they're talking that they're always friends, but they're not bringing the ex into your life, and it's kind of like this secret part, and you kind of get these weird feelings about it, that's something to address. Because I feel like you guys have heard me talk, if you've been listening for the last 13 years, you know that my exes are a huge part of my life. They're good friends of mine. Not right away though, you guys. Usually it has to take 6 months or a year, but they become good friends, many of them, and then I introduce them to my partner. And then after they meet him, it doesn't even— not even a thing that the person was my ex. But there's also the unhealthy ex side of it. So again, if you haven't met this person, they're talking to them, they still might be hung up on their ex, and that can be a challenge. Finally, you guys, arguments about money. Money, kids, sex. These are probably the 3 biggest challenges in relationships. So if financially, you know, if you're mismatched essentially when it comes to money, that is something you have to talk about. Maybe your partner's not financially responsible. They're not managing their money, or maybe they're overspending or they're being cheap. These things are shaped in our childhood too, how we handle money. And so that's a big one. And you really have to just talk about money. I know it's hard too. It's kind of like talking about sex, but you could say, you know, I've been noticing these things. Like for me, money Money is a big thing. What are some, you know, I save money or I have a retirement plan. Like, I, what are your plans for it? You could just ask 'em and then maybe you could even inspire them. 'Cause if we didn't have a good mentor around money, like my mom's a financial planner, she's been talking about it forever, right? But I, I feel like for so many of us, it's just like sex. We kind of put our nose in the sand. We're like, oh, that money thing will work out. But maybe they'll be inspired by what you have to say. So if not, there's your signs, you guys. There's a lot of them to choose from there. And, um, I think if you match up on a few of them, it's probably time to take a look at your relationship and see if you should stay or you should go. Okay guys, here's another one I liked. What to do when your sex drive is low. We talk a lot about sex drive on the show, and it's probably one of the most common questions I hear from you guys. Our sex drive is going to change over time. Just know that, accept it. You're going to get sick sometimes. You're going to feel great sometimes. Sometimes you're going to want sex. And sometimes you're not. But I thought these were really solid steps on what to do if your sex drive is low, if you've been feeling like you're just not in the mood and you're not feeling sex. So, the first thing is find a new doctor, you guys. There's nothing wrong with looking around for a doctor like how you date in a relationship. You date a few people at once. Like, I think if you're looking for a new doctor, find a good doctor because what they should do is, um, first of all, talk to them about your sexual concerns. A lot of doctors, like your primary doctor, they might not be well-versed in sex. They might not really know what to do. I mean, there's some doctors like, have a glass of wine, then you'll be in the mood. You don't want a doctor who says that to you. You want a doctor who, you know, can, can kind of look at some things going on in your life so they can, they can look at your hormone levels. They can check out if you have depression, anxiety. These are all things that could contribute. We never talk about thyroid imbalances, arthritis, cancer, heart disease. Chronic pain, kidney disease. These are things your doctor can look at. So, once you get— you guys always say, I always ask you, are you seeing a doctor? Have you talked to your doctor? That's what your doctor's gonna check for. And then, check your medicine cabinet, you guys. We don't realize how many medications can actually have an impact on our libido and what to do about it. Our doctors typically don't say, I need you to take this for diabetes and oh, by the way, it can have this sexual side effect. Or another one, this is huge, people don't tell us, birth control can have an impact on our sex drive. So here's some common medications that could cause a decrease in your libido. So anti-seizure or anti-anxiety medications, you guys. I know a lot of people are anxious these days, so if you've got Valium, Ativan, Klonopin, those could have impact. Beta blockers, Lipitor, Crestor, cholesterol-lowering medications, antidepressants. This is a big one, you guys. 1 in 5 women are on antidepressants. So things like Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft, and even Wellbutrin, which is not an SSRI but used for anxiety and depression, even though it's advertised for not giving you sexual side effects, it actually can still have sexual side effects. So how are you supposed to know? And finally, hormonal birth control, uh, like birth control pills, rings, and the hormonal IUD. So what do you do if you're on this med? I'm not telling you to go off your meds. Do not go off your meds without talking to your doctor. But here's a cool thing. They can change the dosage. They can change what time you're taking it. They can add other medications. They can try similar classes of medications. So, talk to your doctor about it. You don't have to live with a low sex drive. So, here's another great point in this, you guys, is that I know there's times where we take it for granted and we're like, "Oh, you know, it should just function on its own and it could work at certain points and not others." And we just don't really think about it, but it does need your support in order for it to work for you. So ask yourself these questions. I really like these questions because I'm always evaluating my sex life as well, along with you. How does your life as it is right now, like your lifestyle, what you're doing every day, does it actually support having a healthy sex drive? So answer these questions. Do you even have time to be intimate, or is every single moment of your day scheduled? Do you have time or the energy to feel desire? Are you taking care of your body? Are you eating healthy foods? Are you exercising? Are you getting enough sleep? I mean, just think about those things. If you have no time and you're not eating healthy and you're not exercising, you don't have to even see a doctor. You can just answer those honestly and think, you know what, I'm not. I— you can change some of those things on your own and see some impact on your sex drive. Another one is, this is big, you guys. Do you have a good environment for having sex? I've been guilty of this. Take a look at your bedroom or wherever you have sex. It matters so much how you have your bedroom set up. So, if it's like cluttery and messy and you don't have the right light and you can never find the music you wanna play or your vibrators aren't charged and your lube's in the kitchen and you just like— if it's messy or distracting or it's, you know, getting you out of the mood, if your bedroom doesn't put you in the mood for sex, nothing else is going to. So, make sure you are not distracted. Anyways, take a look at your relationship. If you guys have grown distant, if you're not seeing each other, if you've been like holding on to something that happened last summer, you're not going to feel the desire. It just isn't going to happen. You could be the healthiest person in the world, you could not be on medication, you could be exercising, all these things, but if you are festering and holding on to issues, that's going to have an effect on your sex drive. Think about the sex you're having. Are you having the kind of sex you want to have? So if you're having the same kind of sex, routine sex, like many of us do, we fall in the patterns, We have missionary sex, we roll over, we go to sleep. You're not gonna get so excited for that after a while, so this is where all those fun sex ideas come in, like having date night, something to look forward to, trying something new in the bedroom, one of these amazing toys or products I talk about, you guys. One thing could give you months of new inspiration. I promise you that. And also being vulnerable and finally having that conversation with your partner about like, hey, let's talk about our sex life, you guys. This is normal. Just like you talk about your investment or your 401k, let's check in and talk about our sex life. What do you want, babe? What have you been wanting to try? Let's try it. So these are all things, you guys, these are the whole wrapped-up package of what's going on with your sex drive, your libido. And I think if you just grab one of those areas and start looking at it, you're going to start to see a change. And finally, you guys, what if we treat our relationships more like we treat our careers? Do you have those friends who say, God, you know, marriage should be like a business contract. Every 5 years we get to renew it and decide if we still wanna be married. Like I used to hear people always joke about that. And, and, and the more I think about these things about how we spend so much time like being really good at work and being a good employee and talking to our boss and doing all these things so we can like have a really good career. What if we brought some of those principles into our relationship? So before you resist what I'm saying here, I get that love and work is kind of different, but there are some concepts that definitely work in a relationship. So, and it's like straightforward communicating. So, you know, building a relationship is kind of like building a business. You gotta invest in it. You gotta give each other attention. You gotta plan for the future. You might even need a strategy. You have to check in on your values. Are you going in the same place? How are you gonna grow together? Right? Those are all, business things. But the interesting thing is, just like sex, when we get into a relationship or when we're courting each other, we're taught to be like coy and be more measured about what we really want. Don't be direct. Don't be assertive. You know, kind of like we are in the workplace. In love, it's a little bit different. And then dating, you guys, haven't you done this where you like kind of make irrational decisions that are based on emotions or a conversation you had with your friend, or you interpret what your partner wants? Cuz in a, you had a moment where you're like, oh my God, maybe, maybe they're not in love with me anymore. And we usually or Ash. We don't do that at the office. I don't come into like Jamie, my producer, and be like, oh my God, I had a dream about you last night and I feel like we should repaint the office today green cuz that's what you were doing in the dream. We don't do things like that in the workplace and in our relationships. I didn't really have a dream, a thing about being green, but if I did, like that would be crazy, right? So let's try to think about our relationships more logically because in our career we're thinking like, how can I do better? How can I get a better review? How can I not burn out? How can I get what I want and also make it a healthy work environment? So why not do that in our relationships? So really just, it's another communication style and it's another kind of way to have the discussion. And this might, for some of you, might feel really comfortable. You're like, I got this. I'm great at business. Bring it into, bring it into your relationship. So number 1, you guys, set goals and targets. Just like our careers, like in 5 years, you know, I wanna be president of the company, or I wanna make this much money, or I want this many followers on my, you know, Instagram. If you do milestones or relationships in your love life, that can work too. So think about it. You guys can talk about this together. How do I wanna feel in this relationship? Like maybe you guys have been fighting a lot lately and you're like, it's just really tense. I feel like we're not getting along. It's okay to say in 6 months from now, I wanna make sure that we are cooking dinner, you know, together once a week, or we're exercising together, or we're taking a vacation. Maybe you wanna have more fun in your relationship and more passion. I mean, talk about your goals together. Maybe you both want different things. I'm telling you, having these kind of conversations will help you realize if you're even on the same page. So when you figure out what you want, like how are we gonna get there? And then if you guys both know, well, we really want more playful fun, then you start having play dates. Another thing is you guys have regular reviews. Okay. Review your relationship. Just do a check-in. I mean, this can be at dinner, you know, how like have a state of your relationship talk. You know, I used to have in my, one of my relationships, we had a truth couch and at my boyfriend's house, we'd sit on his couch like once a week or whenever we're having conversation, we're like, let's go to the truth couch. And we'd be like, okay, let's talk about it.

And became like fun.

It was like, We're going to a different location to talk about our relationship. So this is where you can kind of check in. How we doing? How are things feeling in our relationship? How, how we doing on our, on our goals? Or just a reminder that you guys are in it together. Make time for brainstorming. You guys, it's like the workplace, brainstorming fresh ideas. I know when we brainstorm around here, we come up with the best things, just like your relationship, which actually is a living and breathing organism. It doesn't mean just because you guys got married and you sealed that deal that your relationship doesn't wanna grow. So find out, you guys, brainstorm. Like if you find out like, yeah, we really need to be doing fun. And then you look at the last 4 nights together that you ordered in food and watched Netflix, you can look at it and go, okay, well what could we do to still watch our television shows and make sure that we're, you know, getting out more? And actually this reminds me of the episode we did with Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, a few weeks ago. She talked a lot about the way she does this in her relationship, and it was really inspiring for a lot of you. So you might wanna check out that episode. But finding the things you can do together and brainstorming new ideas that are fun for both of you. You know, where do you guys want to go? Where do you want to eat? That's fun things to set up. And then you have things to look forward to. Take vacations. No surprise, you guys. This literally comes up on every single relationship sex tip. Anything that you ever read is like vacation sex or take vacations. But here's why, you guys. I always talk about it in the sex realm, but you know, I also think it's very healthy for your relationships because you gotta get out of your home. You're, you know, doing things the same exact way every day. So even just a few days off for vacation throughout the year, you know, in addition to weekends, just getting away, taking a long weekend, breaking your 9 to 5 routine will have a huge impact on your relationship. So make sure that you guys have time on your own to bond. Go all in. I've been guilty of this when dating, and I don't know if you guys can relate to this as well, when you're just both aren't fully committed to the relationship. So I think a lot of us kind of have, if we're dating, we would like dip our toe in and we're like, yeah, I have one foot in and one foot out, or I'm not really sure I want to go the distance with this person. I'll just hang out until I meet someone else. You realize that not only is that a disservice to the person you're dating, but to yourself, because when you've like one foot in, you, you're not You're not real— just like with work, you don't have one foot in your job. And if you do, we usually feel like it's time to get out if we can't really commit anymore. But in your relationship, if you're still like protecting your heart, you're afraid of getting hurt, which is typically why we have one foot out the door, or we're just not sure, your relationship's gonna last a lot longer in that gray zone. But once you decide, you know what, I've got nothing to lose, I'm putting both feet into this relationship, no matter what happens, you know you did it all. And this could just be a mindset, like this could just be like, you know what, I am going all into this. I'm gonna like make commitments to my partner that I never thought I could make before. I'm gonna open up my heart. I'm gonna be vulnerable at something that I've never talked to my partner about. That's how you go all in. So really, guys, the thing about going, going all in is really just about like changing your mindset. Just like success is a mindset, it's a mindset like, I'm going to be successful by doing these things. And you guys, I'm not saying that you have to see the progress you made. You know, I think you still need to be, you know, spontaneous and surprise each other and be playful and fun. But if you just have found— you found yourself at this like roadblock of like our talks aren't going anywhere, I love the idea of bringing a little business into the bedroom and, um, seeing where it takes you. So I was inspired, I hope you are too. Okay guys, we're going to give a shout out to our sponsors. I love my sponsors, thank you for supporting them, and I love you all too. And we'll be back I'm gonna be helping you through your sex and relationship issues. We'll be right back. Okay guys, we are on to calls and answering your questions. If you would like a question answered on the show, text ASKEMILY, all one word, to 797979, or go to my website, sexwithemily.com, and click the Ask Emily tab. As always, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, this is Ashley. She's 31 from Oregon and she's starting an open marriage. Previously they were swingers and wants to know how to get over the fear and guilt. Hi Ashley, you've come to the right place.

Yay, perfect. Thank you.

So tell me what's going on. Give me some history.

Yeah, um, so I have— my husband was my first, so just, I've always been really fascinated by orgies and just group sex and just the whole idea of it. And I was always so embarrassed about it because You know, just that stigma that we have about sex and one person for the rest of your life kind of thing.

Yeah. And how long have you guys been together?

We've been married 12 years. Right.

Okay, great.

Yeah, so I started young. Yeah.

So you guys have been fascinated with orgies and you said watching porn with orgies, or you've always been kind of fascinated by it?

I mean, that's my own kink.

Right, right.

He just likes that desire. He wants to feel desired by other people. He's, you know, very satisfied with our relationship, but I think just that feeling of being wanted. And I mean, I'm not going to lie, I do enjoy a penis. So, yeah, who doesn't? It's like after 12 years of marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like I'm just so much in my head.

Yeah.

I don't know how to get out of there and just like that with those fears because he reassures me all the time. It's just that's what holds me back so much.

Did you say you were swingers before? Did I have that right?

Yeah, we, we've done lots of couples.

Okay.

But that's together.

I see, I see. Okay.

Yeah.

So this is more about like, how do you open it? So you guys, I'm sure, have talked about like, is it more like you— are you guys— they're going to be sleepovers? Is it some— is— can it be someone that you know or that you don't know? Or how— like, do you have a lot of the rules in place and the boundaries?

Yeah, we've been talking lots about our boundaries, kind of when to do it, because we do have kids. So trying to figure out timing and when it's appropriate time to do it, when it's, you know, what, what's going to be a trigger for us, you know. So we've had lots of conversations, and he did have one person already when he was out of town for work, and it was kind of hard for me just because I'm not there. And, um, we— and that's when I kind of figured out my communication style from that point on. So it seems to be just kind of Okay. Walking.

Yeah. Well, that's how you learn. I mean, it sounds, I mean, cuz communication is the most important thing. So as long, you know, as much as I tell couples, okay, you're gonna open it up. You have to have all these rules and all these boundaries. Like that's really just to get you going. But every, you're gonna learn by doing, like, there's no way that you can know how you're gonna feel. Right. Like you don't know. Right. And you might have a great experience and he might get jealous and he might worry about, but, but it's not that people in open relationships who, and I know a lot of people in healthy open relationships and open marriages, it's not that you don't experience jealousy, and it's not that you don't get sad or fearful or anxious about it. It's that you learn how to communicate about it, so you take away the charge. You practice such a rigorous honesty and vulnerability that it just becomes easier over time because you guys do trust each other and you are open. So it sounds like you have that in place and that you're able to communicate with him. So I kind of feel like You know, it's great that you're being honest with him about this. And, and I think again, that is one of the things you, you could be worrying that he could run off with someone, but it sounds like you guys are really in love and you've actually already practiced with swinging. I mean, cuz that could have essentially happened with swinging, right? He could have liked having sex with someone's wife and, or, you know, like, so you've already done that. Like a lot of people are like, I can't even imagine my husband having sex with someone. So the fact that you've done that is kind of a first step. I don't know how to tell you how to get out of your own head, but I think the more that you guys experience things, it sounds like it's your turn right now. And then you go back and talk about it. That's how you guys are gonna hone the right way to keep moving forward.

Perfect. Yeah. That sounds more reassuring.

Yeah, definitely. But I think that you guys seem like, you know, 12 years together, you have kids, like it seems like you guys are good candidates. I would tell you if you weren't. So you're gonna have the fear. And I'm just telling you that couples that I've talked to about this are like, yeah, it was harder in the beginning and it gets easier over time.

Yeah. Like the words just don't seem to matter to me as much. I think like noticing that he actually still stays the same.

Exactly. He comes home, right? And you let him know what he needs and aftercare. Maybe you'll find out, like, I don't want you sleeping with anyone. I don't want you sleeping over. Like, you'll come to figure it out. But yeah, when you see him again, everything's great. Maybe it's even hotter because you guys during sex tell each other about your, you know, sexual exploits. Like, for a lot of couples, that's so hot. So you might find that, like, it, you know, feeds upon itself in a really healthy way, which I think it sounds like you guys are going in that direction.

Great. Well, I appreciate it.

Yeah, you have my approval.

Yeah, thank you. That's always the most important.

Okay, good. Okay, Ashley, just keep talking and being vulnerable and asking for what you need. Okay, Ashley, thanks. Have a great night.

Thank you. Bye.

Thanks. I know you guys, you might be sitting there going, oh my God, I could never do an open relationship. It's probably not for you. For a lot of couples, it is not for them. But I'm telling you, couples who are on solid ground, you've been together for a while and you've talked about it, you've explored it, you've walked through the scenario, and you've thought, how would you feel if I came home and I always with someone else, like you really get to, like, you talk about it, you decide who's off limits. Like, maybe it's someone you know, never anyone from work, you know, which I don't think that's ever a good idea anyway. But you have boundaries, you have good communication already, then I think it's okay to move into open relationship territory. Not for everybody, but for the people that it works for, they practice a rigorous honesty that can really work. Next call is Tara, 27, from Idaho, and she squirts after childbirth but not always with an orgasm and wants to know Why? Hey Tara!

Hi Emily, how are you?

I'm so good, how are you?

I'm so freaking excited right now.

Me too! Let's talk about squirting, everyone's favorite topic.

So I have always kind of been fascinated with it, but I wasn't always able to. Okay, I had tried and tried and was never able to, and then after I had my son, all of a sudden, that wasn't even trying, and it happened. Okay. But it kind of took me off guard because I wasn't orgasming when it happened, and I was just like, oh my God, what is happening? This is so crazy. And my husband was like pumped, like fist pumping in the air, like so proud of himself.

Yeah.

But then I have like since been able to do it in certain positions, like almost on command.

Oh, great.

But it's not always with an orgasm. It's like sometimes it is Right. And sometimes it's not. And then sometimes I feel like it's getting like, like I feel this really big buildup and then I will push him out before I get that like really big release. And so I just was wondering if that was common.

Totally common. In fact, squirting can happen without orgasm all the time. It's really common like that women have squirt without orgasm and orgasm without squirting, as you know. So that's, that's just common. It doesn't mean orgasm necessarily at all. And I also get the pushing them out thing because you're pushing your, your pelvic floor down. You're like your kegel muscles. So you just push them out. That's happened to me. That can totally happen if you know that's gonna happen and he's cool with it. Like, do you feel like that you're having more, like, does it prevent you from orgasming when you push them out?

Sometimes, like, I feel like it would be so much more intense if I could just keep him there. But like, even when I'm not orgasming, it's like a full body, like, almost like a spasm. And so, like, even if he's, like, really holding on to me, I, like, buck him off. I don't know a better way to put it. Right.

No, I totally get it. But it feels good though, still, even if it's not orgasm? The, the release of the squirting? Okay.

Yeah, I mean, it does feel good. Like, sometimes it catches me off guard and I don't even realize that I'm doing it, and, like, it kind of excites me because I think it's kind of cool.

It is cool.

Yeah, but I don't really know that it feels a whole lot better all the time, and then sometimes it is with an orgasm and it's awesome, but it's kind of just like that same sensation as like a clitoral orgasm, right?

Yeah, that happens. Now, do you mean that's— that's common? Do you know the times that it happens, what position you're in and what you're feeling when it does happen?

Usually it's missionary, and I like— if I kind of— I don't usually ever prop my hips up, but like if I wrap my legs around him and then I kind of like squeeze my hips up so that that angle is right. And then it's happened in doggy style before too.

Okay, great. Yeah. So now you know those positions, and when you feel like yourself pushing them out, it's okay to stop. So you could just be like, stop, and just keep breathing into it so you don't— before you push them out. And maybe that, that sensation will pass, and then you could let it build again. But there's nothing— I mean, have you, have you— do you do Kegel exercises as well? Because that can also help strengthen those muscles.

I mean, I haven't ever really— like, the doctor kind of suggested it after I've had my kids and stuff, but I've done it like a little bit but not regularly.

Okay, because that can also help women just have stronger orgasms. It can help them with like squirting and ejaculation. But like, there's nothing wrong here. So I feel like you're just gonna have to kind of pay attention, do the positions that work for you, and kind of play with it because it's still new for you. And so yeah. You know, our bodies are always changing. There's certain times of month you could squirt more than others, you know, sometimes orgasms, sometimes not, but that's just sex. So there's nothing wrong here. I wouldn't, I wouldn't worry. It sounds like you guys have a really healthy sex life. So I think it sounds pretty awesome so far. It seems really good to me. So, um, and you know, so I would just say not to trip on it and just, you know, you're, you know, just to go with it and kind of talk to him about it, what you need, and just kind of breathe through it now so you don't push them out. But if you do, that's not a big deal either. So doing your Kegels and just breathing through it, I think, could help you.

Awesome, will do. And I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate everything you're doing. You seriously have, like, changed my life. My friends make fun of me with how much I talk about this podcast.

Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for telling your friends about it. I appreciate it, and I really do love hearing it. That's why— that's why I exist. That's why I do what I do. So thank you.

We're all listening to it in my office. There's a few of us. Oh my God, kind of snickering and laughing.

I love it. We'll have them all call in, and, and I send my love to everyone and all your end. So hang in there, and I love— thank you for, uh, being an ambassador of the show. I appreciate it.

Thanks, Emily.

Have a great day.

Bye.

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, guys, squirting— is it real? Is it pee? Is it— what is it? Does it matter? You guys, I'm not going to talk to you about— yeah, there's— there are traces of urine in it, and there's, you know, periurethral fluids for the skin glands. It's all fine. I think that women have to figure out what feels good to them, how it works. It is possible for a lot of women to learn how to squirt. That starts with G-spot stimulation, like using a toy, like the Rave is a great one, or your fingers, or your partner's penis. But I love that she called in, because really just check in to make sure that everything's okay. And you guys, most things are okay. If you're not having pain and you're enjoying sex, it's all good. Okay, we have Lindsey. She's 26 from Washington, and she has pain during sex in certain positions ever since switching to IUD. Is it connected? Hey Lindsey!

Hi, how's it going?

Good, good. I'm so glad you called in. So tell me what's going on with this IUD.

So yeah, so I got the IUD about 9 months ago, and then during certain positions it started hurting, like especially during doggy style. And at first I just assumed that I had to get adjusted to the IUD and everything, but then it's still hurting currently, and then occasionally I'll even bleed after sex. So then I went to the doctor and they had me get a sonogram just to make sure the IUD was in place and they said everything was fine. So then, but then I didn't go back to the doctor after they told me it was fine. So I haven't actually gotten anything checked out since.

Okay.

But I don't know if it's all related or—

Kind of sounds like it is. Have you ever had any pain with sex before the 9 months?

No, it wasn't until I got the IUD.

Okay. I would go back to when we, and when were you there? Did you go right away after the 9 months? Like 9 months ago or 8 months ago?

It was, it was around 5 or 6 months that I went and got the sonogram.

Okay.

Because they said I would have spotted bleeding for up to like 6 months, but, and I've had multiple partners, and so it's, it's bled after like 2 of them, but then one other one it didn't bleed after. So it's only, it's only during certain times too, but it's always usually consistent with pain during doggy style.

Okay. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's not fun. I mean I think that you might need to go back and tell them that you're still having pain. Cause this isn't that common. Sometimes people have the side effects at the beginning, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. They might not have trimmed it correctly. You might need to get it adjusted. I mean, I would tell them, you know, doctors are so busy these days. You go in and see your gynecologist, tell them like, it's really not okay. And again, like there are some things that they might need to trim it. They might need to look at it differently. And so I think that they could also be, I mean, the fact that the bleeding, that's the part that I'm more concerned about because Also, there could be a learned reaction that you're tensing cuz you're afraid it's gonna hurt and then it hurts. Because when we tense up, that's how people don't like anal. People can't orgasm cuz we tense, we hold our breath. So I would say practice breathing and letting go and like releasing cuz maybe it's— and try to go slower and not as deep. So that could be one thing. But if you're bleeding, like those are two different side effects you're having, the pain and the bleeding.

Right.

So I would just go back, you know, I would.

Yeah, because I was also thinking, because I listened to your show for a while and, um, you were talking about lube, so I went on to your online store, got a bunch of lube. So we consistently use that too because I thought maybe it was partly that. So I started using a bunch of lube and then that hasn't worked and I still bleed after that, or even after I've orgasmed too. So I just— oh, okay, I think you're right. I think it's—

yeah, go back to the doctor because they don't want to—

definitely tense up.

Yeah, I'm sure you do. But exactly. I just think for peace of mind, cuz maybe if you go back and they can't adjust it, I don't see why, you know, sonogram can't tell you everything. All you know is what your experience, that's what you can tell 'em. So again, doctors are busy and I always think, oh, they know everything. But the truth is all they know is, um, from what you tell them. So you have to go back in, say you're still bleeding, it's not okay. Maybe they could take it out, put it back in, like trim it. But I don't think that you should be having both of these, both of these experiences, especially if you didn't have 'em before. So, go back to the doctor, talk about it, and you could probably get it figured out. And just remember to breathe always anyway. And keep using— remember to breathe and keep using lube though, no matter what kind of sex you're having.

Breathe, sure.

I know, it's so hard to remember. Okay. If you don't breathe, you die, but it's really hard to remember. Okay, thanks, Lindsey. Thanks for calling. Thank you so much. Make that appointment. Bye, have a good night. Thanks.

Bye, you too.

I like this call, you guys, because I think that we get— sometimes our doctors, you gotta go back, you gotta get a second opinion, you gotta talk to them again, and they're not always right. Yes, they have your best interest in mind, but they're busy, they're seeing a lot of patients, and you know your experience. So I think we put a lot of weight on what they say, doctors, and we— as we should, but we are our own best advocates. So if you're having pain and, um, something's happened to you, make that doctor's appointment. We all pay a lot of money in health insurance, and I know that it's a pain in the ass to go to the doctor. I've got like 3 appointments to make right now, and it's hard to do, but once you do it, you guys, it's such a because you've got to take care of yourself. It's so important you guys put yourself first, okay? This is Summer 38 from British Columbia. She's a high sex drive. Her husband doesn't and won't go to counseling. Hey Summer.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. Tell me what's going on.

Oh girl, I don't even know. I mean, we've been together for 6 years, married for 1. There's always been a little bit of an issue in the bedroom. We've talked about it. He's told me that there's been issues in the past with his girlfriend, but it just seems to progressively have gotten worse over the years, and I'm just kind of left feeling like I don't know what to do because I'm the only one talking about it. I'm the only one bringing it up. I'm the only one asking what's going on. So I just, I don't know. I kind of feel lost right now. Like, is it me? Is it us? Is it him? I don't know.

You guys have been together 5 years, so how was it in the beginning?

In the beginning, I mean, in the beginning when we were first dating, it was fun. I mean, we were, you know, we, we, we had more fun in the beginning for sure.

Like every couple, but okay. Yes, many couples.

Yeah, but I mean, but even in the beginning of our dating relationship, I noticed a lull, and I noticed that, you know, we would spend, you know, a week together or something and nothing would happen. And it was just, I think that I'm used to someone maybe being more of the aggressor in the relationship, and maybe I've never taken that role on, so maybe that's where I've kind of lost it. But it's just, I— he doesn't— he's never really the one asking for it or wanting it. And like I said, if, you know, I definitely don't think he's cheating on me, so I don't know what's going on there.

Yeah, well, you know, we're all so different. Like, we're all— we're like so oriented towards like, oh, men are the ones who we're supposed to be the initiators and women are, but you know, it's different in every relationship. So it's true that he might be waiting for you to, to make the moves or to get him to kind of pull him in because maybe he just doesn't have as high of a sex drive, or he's going— you know, it sounds like it's been like this since you met him because sometimes it can take a dip if we're going through— we're worried about work or we're depressed or, you know. How old is he? Curious.

He's 34.

Okay.

Um, he told me that in his last relationship they they weren't intimate for a year, and then they finally broke up. And so I don't know what happened in that relationship. It's never been that bad for us, but, you know, I don't know. Like, and I know he is a diabetic, so I don't know if that has something to do with it as well.

But yeah, does he take anything? Is he on any medication?

Yeah, he does. Okay. I mean, because that's insulin.

Yeah, that could have an impact too on his sex drive. That might be a reason. But I think you guys have to talk about it in a way that's like— not— it sounds like it's— I know, I'm sorry, you knew I was gonna say this. But it sounds like it's gotten to the place where you're just like really frustrated and you guys aren't able to kind of communicate about it. But I feel like we need to know like what, what he would need to be in the mood. Like you can ask him like, what would you need to want to have sex? Like in a loving way outside the bedroom where you're not blaming him, you're not making him feel bad, but it's like a real— because it matters. Like, Summer, you're correct to be like at this point where you're like, what's gonna happen? How am I gonna deal with this? Because it matters. It is your sex life. That's what keeps you guys from being just roommates. So it is something that you both have to pay attention to. And it sounds like he's not really giving you a lot of information here. He's not really talking about it. Or have you guys ever had a really deeper conversation about it where you got more information?

Um, yeah, we have. We definitely have. Um, and I do think it's, it's, it's difficult for him to, um, talk about it because again, like I'm always the one bringing it up. It got to a point in our relationship where I was like, maybe I'm being part of the problem because I'm always asking what's up, is everything okay, and maybe I'm like driving him crazy because I'm always talking about it. So I kind of backed away and just stopped asking what was up and it got worse.

Right, because he probably doesn't know, you know, and he probably feels bad because he wants to please you.

Yeah.

So he might feel—

He did tell me that. He did tell me that was one of his issues, that he doesn't think he does, but I don't know where he got that from. Well, because you probably—

you asking like, 'What can I do?' or 'Why aren't we having sex?' So he feels rejection. So see, the good news is that you both love each other and you're married and you both want to please each other, but you're probably feeling rejected because he's not desiring you and he's feeling like he's letting you down. And so you both want it, but you don't know how to get out of your own way. And so, because he might really not know, like— and I'm— I want him to check with his doctor about his insulin medicine because that could have an impact. Like, people with diabetes don't have the highest sex drive. That can have an impact. So I think that is real, especially because been going on since you started dating. You said even at the beginning you sensed a lull. So he might really want it, want to please you, but his body isn't reacting, which can be really frustrating. And he probably doesn't even know because it's been like this his whole life, you know what I'm saying? So yeah, but I think if you go at it like, we both— and like, say what I said, like, I feel rejected and I know you don't, you're not trying to hurt me, you know, you love me, and I know that you feel like you're not pleasing me, and I don't even know, like, we got to figure out what works for us. So I feel like he might need you to initiate, and then you might need to know what that looks like. Like, maybe you, you know, he might say like, well, if I come in, if you, we have this, you know, or you text me before I come home and say you want to have sex, then he, maybe he needs to know that that's what you want. Or maybe he needs you to kiss him when he walks in the door. Or you might need him to like, I don't know, put his hand on your shoulder or on your, you know, around your waist, and you need more touch. So I feel like there's some, some like ways you guys should figure out what intimacy looks like for both of you, because every couple has their own rhythm and their own formula that works. I mean, you guys just haven't figured it out yet.

Yes, we definitely need to communicate. I mean, like, there has to be a conversation about it because we can't just keep going on trying to read each other or trying to figure it out because we're both thinking different things, right?

Yeah, exactly. And that's the conversation, sweetie. That's, that's what you just said to me is You can even blame me. It said, talk to Sex with Emily. And she said, and I didn't know what to do because I love you so much. And our intimacy and our sex life is so important. And I feel like we've hit this crossroads. I want this, you, everything you just said and that I'm saying, and then see what he says. And from a place of, you know, loving and make sure your tone is like, you know, more, more, you know, lighter and not like a serious thing, even though sex is serious, serious, but you know what I'm saying? It just takes all the pressure off of it. And then once you start to have this dialogue with him, it's gonna get you know, it'll get easier, but you got to start getting some more information.

So, and so I, and I totally agree with you, and I'm going to ask you one— probably you're going to say, well, I can't, I can't answer that. But when do you know, like, when do you get to a place in your relationship where you're like, okay, that we're just not on the same page, this isn't working? Like, I don't know if we'll ever get to a point where that will ever happen or if we'll get to a better stage, but is there like a time in your relationship where you're like, okay, I mean, this, this isn't working?

You're not— I'm telling you, you haven't even scratched the iceberg yet because you haven't even talked about this yet. So you're so far from that point. I know that you feel like you're there. It, cause that happens. Cause you're in your head about it. You've created every scenario in your head. Like maybe he's having an affair. Maybe he's gay or maybe he doesn't love me anymore. And he has 6 girlfriends in another country. Like I understand that we create all these things and none of those are true. They're just your mind. So I would say that it's kind of great cause it's sort of a clean slate right now. Cause you haven't had that real conversation yet because you don't, no one knows how, so you're not alone. Summer, there's nothing wrong with you. Like this is why I have a job. Because I help people figure out that, like, no, we talk about everything else but sex in our relationships. So you're like most people on the planet. And, and to answer your question, so you're not even there, you haven't even started. But when I can tell people are ready, it's when they've tried everything. They've gone to therapy for a year, they've, they've tried, they've talked, they made changes, they started having sex outside the bedroom, they brought toys, they communicated, they cried, they laughed. Like, they did the work. And when you, when you know, when you've done the work, you'll know, but I would say you're just starting out. So you're not there yet, even though you feel so. Try to peel back all the things you've created in your head and just talk to 'em about the facts.

And do you think that we should go see somebody or do you think we should just start off? Yeah.

I mean, I get tired of myself saying this sometimes, but absolutely. I'm telling you, every couple needs therapy. They just do. You get to an impasse, especially because like you guys have been together and it's been going on for a while. And I feel like every couple needs it. I don't care if you've been together 6 months, or 6 years.

Yeah.

If you can afford it and you can make the time, which I think every couple, like, you go, you know, like you can figure it out. It is, it is the most useful thing you could do because we're just, it's a third party. They can come in and they're not biased to either one of you and they can, it's a mediator and they can help you.

Yeah.

You'll, they'll teach you skills. A therapist, if you commit to going once a week for a few months, like even after the first few sessions, you're gonna learn skills to communicate on a level that works for both of you that you've, you never would've figured out on your own. So yeah. Yes. I think therapy is a great place to start.

And are you talking about a sex therapist or just a therapist in general? I think somebody that—

I think a marriage and family therapist who kind of will be equipped to, but you can also call them. And here's my other top advice is that not every therapist works for everybody. So my advice would be get 2 names from people, you, from friends of yours or from your insurance company, 2 to 3. And I would say go together because he might like someone, you might like someone, not like the other person. And then once you find your person you're in and it, It's so healthy and so helpful for couples. So I absolutely recommend it.

Okay. Amazing. Yeah. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. You got this. You're just starting out. It's beginning today.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

You're so welcome, Summer. You deserve great sex. Oh, my pleasure. My pleasure.

Thank you.

Have a great night. Thank you.

I love your podcast, by the way.

Thank you. I love that. Thank you for listening. I so appreciate it.

Thank you.

Have a great night. Bye, Summer.

You too.

Thanks. I love that you guys love the podcast and you listen. So thank you, Summer, and thanks everyone for these calls. And let me just say this, you guys, I am a huge fan of therapy. You know that I think that every couple can benefit from it. I think that couples, just the more you start talking about things, it's going to help you. And just know that you'll know when you've done everything. And, um, if you haven't gone to therapy and you haven't had conversations with your partner yet in a way that isn't screaming and isn't yelling and isn't fighting, but real conversations then I'd say you haven't done the work yet. All right guys, that was fun. I love talking to you. Oh my God, it's my favorite thing. Please, please, please email me and check that box that you wanna be called. So fun. Thank you everyone. I appreciate it. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.