Sex Hacks for Moms w/ Dana Myers

On my days where I'm practicing the tools and I'm practicing the habits, I feel like a ball of sensual energy and power. I feel like I can attract whatever I want. I can feel connected to the energy in my p— like, I feel it. I feel the excitement. I feel the turn-on. And I gotta say, going around with that fire lit up in my body feels so much better.

So much better.

It's like rocket fuel.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So there's a misconception out there that once women become moms, their sexiest years are over. But as my guest Dana Meyer explains, that's nonsense. And as a mom, she can prove it. Dana is the founder of sex and beauty brand Booty Parlor, but she's also a wife and mother to two children. On today's throwback show, she shares secrets from her book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover, to help women rediscover their sensual self-confidence, fall back in love with their bodies, and masturbate for self-care. We also talk about resentment in a relationship and how to fix it, and why mothers deserve a sense of sexual entitlement. Yes, moms, you deserve sexual pleasure. If you want more of it or know a mom who might, this is a can't-miss conversation. Intention with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to help normalize the notion that parents have lots of sex with each other or with themselves. It's a myth that having children immediately ends your sex life. And on today's show, Dana mythbusts that for us with a special focus on moms and motherhood. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, Ask Emily, How Do We End a Dry Spell, is up at sexwithemily.com. And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Dana Meyers is an author, sex tech pioneer, and founder of Booty Parlor. She's also the creator of the Mommy Mojo Makeover Workshop series, live events that help moms learn to create a satisfying sensual experience of motherhood and rekindle intimacy with their partner after kids. Find more Dana at DanaBMyers.com, on Instagram @DanaMyersXOXO, and Twitter @DanaBMyers. Let's start with the women. Well, how do we help them after kids?

Oh, there's so many things that happen after kids. I mean, I think, you know, some of the most common problems are like this loss of self or this loss of identity. Like I was once a really sexy woman and now I'm just in the mom zone. I've lost my libido. I'm saddled with all these domestic duties. I'm juggling work and, and family life. It's like women are looking outside of themselves for their libidos. And there's this shift that has to happen. It's like, no, you're— it's your libido still exists. It's there. Women don't feel so empowered to take control of it. So the workshops I do, um, the new digital program that I'm launching, it's all just like little bite-sized tips and tools, which is perfect for moms. It's so perfect. It has to be short.

Yeah.

I find that sometimes people talk about sex in these very lofty terms or very philosophical ways and women get overwhelmed. They say, I can't accomplish that. Accomplish that. It's too much. And so I like to make it really simple for them.

Okay, that's good. You went through this and you've had kids. Yes, 2 kids.

Yeah.

How old are your kids?

9, you said, and almost 6 and almost 9.

Okay, so yeah, you've had your handfuls. You went through the whole thing and you looked around, you're like, where the hell is my libido? And you were married for 16 years or married for 14 years. It is inside of you. But what about like hormones? And how about being kind to yourself and saying, well, it's going to take some time to get your body back after—

totally get your libido back once your hormones get somewhat in check again. And, and look, some women obviously have more severe hormonal issues, but once your hormones kind of level out after breastfeeding and after birth, I think it's more about lifestyle changes, right? I really do. Unless you can follow like a very sharp food protocol that's going to boost your libido. If you're a mom, or really if you're just a busy woman who is out of touch with your libido, I think you have to address your exhaustion first because if you're exhausted, you're probably not communicating with your partner. You're more irritable with them. You're not practicing enough self-care. So it's like, I always say, if you're exhausted, it's hard for your libido to thrive in that physical and mental space.

Right.

So you gotta treat yourself like a baby. I always tell people, treat yourself like a baby. If you saw an exhausted baby who was crying and felt so irritated and was overtired, you'd be like, come here, little baby. Let me wrap you in a blankie and put you down for a nap. You know? And so it's like, heal your exhaustion first. Take a nap, rest more, take stuff off your plate, do less.

It's so hard though. What about mom guilt? And like, I feel bad. And what about my kid?

And like, well, you have to give yourself the permission to not feel that way. It's like nobody else can do that. Mom guilt is so pervasive and it's so heavy and it comes at you. It comes at you from every angle in almost every situation. Yeah. So you, the only way to get out of that is to give yourself permission to do so. And even if it's daily permission, day, minute by minute, literally minute by minute permission.

Oh, I can take a nap. I can take a nap. Don't feel, I can't do la— you could do laundry. You can do laundry after the nap, after the nap, back to the nap. Right?

Like this is what I have to do now for myself. Yeah. And giving yourself, I call it permission to ditch, permission to ditch out on 3 things that are on your to-do list that are stressing you out because you can't be in your feminine sexuality and your sensuality if you're depleted. Doesn't make sense. It's not possible. I know people are listening to you for sex advice and we're gonna get there, but no, no, no, listen, they know, you guys know.

No, we don't even have to— this is, this is for everybody. I'm still, I'm learning that like, cuz self-care is such a buzzword right now and it's not just like getting a massage or no, whatever.

It's like, it's saying no, it's doing less. Saying no, it's napping. It's masturbating, masturbating before you nap, you know? Yes. Put those two together and it's like kill two birds with one stone.

But even if you are the busy mom, I mean the busy, entrepreneur, like, you know, busy, whatever. It's like, it still is this, like, you're always doing and not being, you know, you're always going, going, going. And how do you, how do you just accept that it's okay to take time for yourself, that you're a better human, a better mom, a better everything?

I mean, I think you can just literally stop, look in the mirror, and say, I'm giving myself permission to rest. I'm giving myself permission to skip that. I'm giving myself permission to say no to that extra meeting or to that extra dinner. I'm giving myself the permission to say No to that school committee that, you know, that's at your— that's happening at your kid's school. It's like nobody can do it for you.

Yeah.

And that's the thing.

And no is a full sentence.

No is a full sentence. No. Like, I love feeling that word in my mouth.

No.

No.

Yeah. Just no. I'm sorry, it's not gonna work.

No. But when we're pleasers or we feel guilt, and that's just natural to women, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. It really is.

So natural to us. Yeah. Is to please and to give and then struggle to receive.

And we need to reach out to friends too. Like, was that a big part of it? Finding the right friends, community, the community.

Totally. And then within that community, nurturing the conversation about sex and sensuality and pleasure, right?

Yeah. Like, because you're probably that friend in the group.

I'm definitely that friend. You're that friend. You're that.

Yes, I'm that friend. You're that friend. But I always tell women, if you don't have that friend, be that friend.

That's right. Right. That's such great advice.

Yeah. And talk about what's going on because then we're always assuming that all of our friends are having better sex than— right, right.

And so what happens is when you open it up, you know, you share problems and then share solutions as well. And you can also discover new turn-ons just by talking about the question, what turns you on? Yeah. Something that your friend turns your friend on. You may be like, I never thought about that. That's an interesting example. I mean, okay.

No, I love hearing those. That has to be yours. Could be a friend.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So my friend, um, you know, has a sexual fantasy about hot steak.

Okay. Uh-huh.

It's actually my fantasy, guys.

Okay. Fine.

Fine.

Yeah.

You know, I have this fantasy about hot steak being put on my body as foreplay. Now I've had this fantasy for a long time. We've never done it. Charlie and I text each other pictures of hot steak all the time. I don't know why this has never happened. Charlie, if you're listening, this is happening.

Like hot steak wearing lingerie or just sizzling on the grill.

So my husband is amazing on the grill, right? So I get turned on by his food. I am turned on when he cooks for me.

I'm almost turned on.

I'm hot and horny right now thinking about him at the barbecue and like he creates these amazing meats and they're like golden and crispy and hot and they steam and it really turns me on.

I'm turned on.

And so the next layer to that fantasy, cause I'm always fantasizing, that's a huge key to having a high libido for me is I'm constantly creating sensual inputs in my mind. Right. So I think about the yummy food and then I get excited and then I'm like, well, why not? Like, put a piece of that sizzling steak on my body and eat it off of me.

You've told him that, or you think that?

Oh no, he knows the full fantasy, every detail. The fact that we have not accomplished this, brought this fantasy to life, I think is just because when we're barbecuing, we always have friends over, the kids are around.

But let's talk about fantasy for a minute, because I feel like it is something that women, a lot of women are like, oh, they feel guilt about it, or they, they don't even know where to conjure up things. So I love the idea of women sharing it.

Women sharing it. And, and that's, that's the truth. You know, we were not taught in school or by our parents, hey, fantasy is healthy, right? We were not taught that. So we, we didn't grow up with using fantasy as a healthy habit to increase our sexual energy. And so talking about it with your friends, being the leader, opening up that conversation— not only, like, I don't know if any of my friends thought, oh yeah, steak turns me on too. But there might be one other weirdo out there in my group that actually thought, oh yeah, or that triggered— maybe that idea triggered something in them. Oh, I want to lick whipped cream off a strawberry. Exactly. It's just sharing.

I like the way he makes my martini.

That's right.

You know what I mean?

Like, sharing is caring when it comes to sex talks, and you're always going to learn something from your friends when you open that conversation.

Have you always been a big fantasizer?

I have always been a big fantasizer, although I really started harnessing it as a, one of my core tools after having kids, because I'd be at the grocery store and I'd be like, oh, I'm so tired. This sucks. I've gotta get carrots that I've gotta puree and steam and then freeze into little cubes. And it's like, it's not sexy.

Yeah.

There's so many aspects of motherhood that aren't sexy. And one day I was in Brooklyn looking at the carrots at the fresh market and I was like, those carrots are really, really sexy. Sexy. And then the mister came on and they were like getting all wet, and I was like, oh my God. And suddenly I transformed this mundane moment where I was sort of previously in a state of irritation, and then suddenly I was in a sexual fantasy. Not about using the carrot as a sex toy, but it was the senses. And it was about these— they were different shapes and sizes and they were hard and fresh and glistening. And then I saw a cute stock boy in aisle 5 and I was like, Oh, maybe I could have a fantasy about him. And then, and then later on when I got the carrots home, instead of like being annoyed that I had to puree them, I was like still in that fantasy. And my kids didn't know why I was smiling, but I knew. And so it's, again, it's just this practice. Where can I find the sensuality?

Because it's there. So one of the first steps would be getting your mind on board with it too.

Well, going from the idea that sex and sexuality has become a chore to it being a choice, right? So you go from chore to choice. It's a simple word choice. Uh, sex is a chore. My husband wants it. I don't want it. To going, no, this is a choice. I'm choosing to make this a priority again. I'm choosing to put some intention in this with the partner that I love. Like, oh, it's an obligation, right? Yeah. Like have to have sex.

I don't want to have sex.

An obligation's a boner killer.

Yeah.

Like if your partner thinks that sex is an obligation, it's not gonna get them turned on. Exactly. They're gonna feel like, I don't want to force you, you know, that's, that's not a turn-on for me. So it goes from obligation to opportunity.

Yeah, exactly. Or I get to have sex rather than—

yeah, that I have to have sex.

Yeah, another item on the to-do list. And what about being in your body?

What about that?

So we've got the images, you've got the fantasy, and what about if you're just not feeling great about your body anymore? It's changed.

So I think that it just— it does change a lot. And there were moments where, especially after my daughter after my first kid, I actually did, you know, bounce back. And this bounce back culture is really intense, and there's a lot of pressure on moms. And for me, with the first child, breastfeeding actually did sort out my body. It just— the weight came off. With the second child, it did not come off. I lost so much hair.

I really— because your hair is amazing, you guys.

Well, it came back. Thank God it came back. I was much bigger. My breasts were lopsided. I felt like a mess. And for me, and it's different for everyone, the practice, I think, of getting back into your body and getting back into your body confidence, for me, it's a combination of dancing in the mirror, just turning on some music and just moving in a way that feels natural to me. Masturbating for sure, self-pleasuring and making it into a ritual where I'm massaging my body or I'm dancing, or I'm experimenting with different toys and just being curious, right? What feels pleasurable to my body? So that takes away the criticism of, oh, my body should look like this into a curious place of how might my body feel if I do this.

Exactly.

So you're going from the pain of criticism to the pleasure of, you know, beautiful touch.

Exactly. And it's gonna take a second, but I love to hear your story about this because yeah, dance in front of the mirror. You're like, oh, that's silly. I could never do it. I'm sure the first time you did it, you weren't like, look at me, but talk about what that, that actual, if you could talk about that transformation, or at least for you, what that was like.

So the first time I, I kind of got wind of this, tool. I was young, I was living in New York. It was like right after 9/11 and things were really bad. And I was— I had a master's degree, but I was cocktail waitressing. I was just a mess, you know. My boyfriend had broken up with me. Thanks, John Carlin. Um, best thing that ever happened. No, it is the best thing that ever happened. And I was in the mirror, I heard myself talking shit about my thighs. I heard myself in my inner voice, and I was like, you're so fat, why can't you be smaller? You know, I was imagining like using like a lipo— I was like delirious with this negative self-talk. And I had this moment of awareness where I was like, this is not who you are. So I took myself into the bathroom and I looked at myself in my eyes and I put my arms around myself and I just started hugging myself, connecting with my eyes in the mirror and saying, I love you. I love you. I love you. You're beautiful. And it was that moment where I realized that's my power. I can take myself out of the criticism and put myself into a state of love and appreciation.

That's such a beautiful exercise.

And it works.

Anytime. It works. Do it driving the car if you're hating yourself.

Anytime.

I love you. I love you. Yeah.

Anytime. So you can do it on a specific body part. You can change that script. You can do it, you know, for yourself at large and just say, I love you. I love you. I love you. And now some women are like, but that feels false. Cuz I don't, I don't love my butt. I don't love my wrinkly belly anymore. And that's kind of a case of like, all right, well, let's fake it till you make it.

It is.

Start saying it anyway. And soon you're gonna start to believe it.

Yeah, it's true.

It's practice.

You have it written down. Like, I think for me, like, I have a journal I carry around with like affirmations and things to remember every day. And it's so helpful.

Oh, I would wanna read your journal. Yeah. Publish that.

I know, dude. I have so many journals. I just found like my journals from the last 20 years. They're amazing. Yes and no, but no, but it's true. Like, sometimes it's like, okay, if I'm feeling like I have to read the words, cuz otherwise we, we, we make up our own scripts and they're not always helpful.

Totally. There's just so negative.

You must hear this all the time, but that's your, it's a practice. —yeah, it's a practice. You need to remember, like, go back to driving in the car, hands on the steering wheel, whatever, wherever you're— if you're— I always think picture driving, because to me too, I'm driving and I'm like having negative thoughts. I'm like, these are my affirmations, this is what's going on in present moment, what I'm feeling and smelling and tasting. So then you were like, I love myself, look in the mirror, which I've had those moments too. And I cry. I, I, I, it was even recently. I don't think this work's ever done, by the way. It's never done.

No, it's never done. I don't remember, it was a big moment.

I think it was like last summer. And I was just feeling something. I came home and I was sad. I just looked in the mirror and I was like, I was like crying. I don't know if I say I love you, but just like, I looked, I looked at myself in my eyes in a way that I hadn't before. I'm just like, you're fine. You're okay. You know, there's just, it's great power looking. We just, it's great power ourselves, but we never really look. And then when you look, you're getting all this new information and then moving. Yeah. And moving to that is just a beautiful practice. Totally.

And after the birth of my daughter, when I really felt like, I actually remember thinking, oh, she's stolen my beauty. Hmm. You know, this little freckly redheaded baby. She was like 5 months old. I was like, you stole my beauty. It was a horrible feeling.

How real. I'm sure.

Yeah. And then, you know, I stood in the mirror and I was like, no, no, no, I'm not gonna go down. I'm like, my beauty's not stolen. You know, I was able to lift myself out of that and I dressed myself up and I put on my makeup and I did my hair and I did the same thing. I stood in the mirror and I complimented myself and then I turned on music and I danced in the mirror and it's like, that movement helps you stir up that self-love. It's like movement is joyful. Dancing is joyful. It's hard to be in a bad state when you're moving. Yeah. So if you're too much in your head, yeah. Get more into your body and move it. Movement. And if you're uncomfortable looking at yourself while you're dancing, then do it not in the mirror. Right. Do it in a way that feels good to you, but do it, figure it out.

Yeah. Exercise, move, walk around the block. Yeah. Dance something. Yeah. I think that if you're just stagnant, you're sitting around all day, I know. And it can be hard to get yourself out of the house or to move, but that just, For me, always. I just like changing the state.

Always change the state. Change the state. Change, move it or lose it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's funny, you know, in this new, um, program that I did, I also do a, a dance video and a yoga video and a stretch video. And in the dance video, the way I choreographed it, I worked with this amazing dancer who's also a mom in Miami. I love it. So fun. Cuz I was like, this is my moment where I'm really showing everything that I do. I'm just, I'm putting it all out there. I'm showing everything that I've done that has worked for me. Um, it's not theory, it's real practical stuff. And, and the dance moves that we designed are based on the things that you have to do every day as a mother or as a woman. So like I created a dance move out of like what it means to pick up Legos. Like I made picking up Legos sexy. Oh dude, I love this.

Or slime, scrap. Yeah.

And there's a dance move called the slow cooker. It's like, cuz you know, you put stuff in the slow cooker, you gotta stir it. Oh, you gotta stir. Stir it up and you gotta dip your bread. You gotta dip the bread and taste it. So it's like when you're in the house, making cheese. Yeah. Honey, when you're in the house just doing the things you have to do. Yeah. Add some fun to it. Add some sensuality to it and just dance through it. You know, dance through it.

Dance through it. Move it. This is so good. And look, they hit everyone. Just so you know, Dana made a special course.

It's called the Satisfied Mama.

Satisfied Mama. Yeah. I just wanna give it to all my friends.

Oh, it's, it's, I'm so proud of it. Yeah.

I'm really proud of you too. It's very unique. Very creative.

So here's the Lego dance. Here's the— there's a Lego dance, there's a slow cooker dance, there's, um, throwing your husband's socks. Yeah, you're like, I am dead. I want to see these. I'll send them to you. Okay, please, please, please. Of course.

So that's just funny because I think you just watch it, you're like, it's not another exercise program, it's not that you should— it's like, oh, I'm already here, I am picking up Legos, I do have to cook, I do have to breastfeed or whatever. Yep.

And the other, the other one that I love, and this is I think really important for anyone if you're a mom or not, um, I call it the transition stretch. And I think what happens to a lot of women, and especially moms, is that the day finally ends. The kids are finally in bed, and you're at the sink, and you're doing the last load of dishes, and you just want to collapse. And then there's your partner creeping up. Oh yeah, right, the creep up, right? There's the creep up and like the, like the half initiation, and then you—

dick in the back.

Yeah, dick in the back, or even just hand on the shoulder, but you know what's coming. Shoulder. Yeah. And your body recoils, and you put up your hand, you're like, no, I'm not there yet. Right. So that's why I think that planning sex is so helpful so you can manage your energy. But this transition stretch, I kind of designed it so that you can have your partner go and put the kids to bed and you go in your bedroom and do this stretch. It's like 15-minute video and it helps you release the stress of your day and start to stir up your sensual energy.

So tell me, is it like a pelvic floor thing? Are you rolling?

Yeah. There's a lot of like pelvic circles and twit and, uh, tilts. And big hip circles. There's some touching of your body, some like connecting with your breath, connecting with your chest. And it's really simple. It's not hard to follow, but what it does is it really transitions you out of that like harried, been going all day state into a place where you can actually be receptive to pleasure.

Well, that just makes so much sense because that creep, we can, I think we can all sense it with the kids or not, when we're not in the mood, we, and it's this understanding that like, You need to understand that women and men get aroused differently. Totally. So he sees you, you're sexy, you're doing dishes, whatever you're doing, come from behind. I'm ready. The kids are already— and you're like, no, I'm not ready. And then what happens where I love that you would dance for it? Because I think this is a great solution because what happens in the negative side of it is that sometimes you reject your partner, then they feel bad, they don't come, and there's a cycle of rejection. Yep. And it becomes a pattern.

Totally.

And then he's not initiating anymore and then he feels rejection.

And then you're like, why? Why did you stop initiating?

And then you think I'm not hot.

—because you rejected me the last 20 times.

—Last literally 20 times, because we don't realize it. There's all these great ways that women, and no matter what age, where you're at in your life, if you're not feeling turned on anymore, it is your responsibility to get there. It's not your partner. I mean, it's great when couples— I always think couples are a team. You are a team. Yeah. And you both should be working on your sex life.

But for women to learn tools to start to take ownership of it. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I think it can feel— even us saying that, I think there will be some women listening who are like, well, even that feels like a pressure. But you have to remember what the benefits are yourself, that you have to bring it yourself, because it's like, oh, one more thing I have to do.

But on the flip side of that, you pick up the Legos and dance.

Like, that's not so hard, right? On the flip side of that is the energy that it brings, how it fires up your magnetism.

Let's talk about the energy. Can you explain that? In your body?

Well, every day I feel when I'm connecting with my sensual energy—

walked in, I mean, she walked sexy mama. She is.

So I feel I am, you know, on my days where I'm practicing the tools and I'm, I'm practicing that, the habits, I feel like a ball of energy, like sensual energy and power. I feel like I can attract whatever I want. I can feel connected to the energy in my pussy. Like I I feel it. I feel the excitement. I feel the turn-on. And I gotta say, going around with that fire lit up in my body feels so much better. So much better. So it's like rocket fuel. It is rocket fuel.

It is the source of life, true, if you think about it.

It is.

But then after childbirth, a lot of women— or in life, not even— you get shut down. We're disconnected. So it's really that you will feel it again.

Yeah, yeah, you will feel it again. Exactly. Like doing your Kegels or whatever. Oh yeah, totally, totally.

I love it. So that's a great ritual. Thank you. Okay, I have questions for you that we ask ask all of our guests. Okay, well, these are new questions. I don't think you've been— Exciting! They're would you rather. Okay, would you rather have multiple orgasms that weren't so good or just one terrific orgasm?

One terrific orgasm, for sure.

Uh, would you rather give a striptease or a lap dance?

Lap dance. I want to feel that grinding.

Would you rather only have sex in the bedroom or never have sex in the bedroom?

Only. Only. I like my bedroom. I like my bedroom. There's a bunch of surfaces that we use. I'm sure it's fabulous.

It's alright. I like it. Okay, would you rather be a bad kisser or bad at oral sex?

Oh, geez. I'd rather be a bad kisser and still be really good at oral sex.

Yeah, can't give up oral. No way. Would you rather watch people have sex or have others watch you have sex?

Oh God, both. Can I choose both? I want both. I guess I like this would you rather.

I do too.

Okay, wait. Would I rather, would I rather watch or be watched? I'd rather watch. All right. Yeah.

Don't go anywhere. We come back more with Dana.

Freedom is a really big thing. I realized I, I didn't know how powerful the connection was between freedom and my libido until I had kids and lost a lot of my freedom. Because when you have kids, for a minute, your world becomes a lot smaller. Like, especially if you're breastfeeding, because you have to be there or you have to pump and then try to get them on the bottle and all those things. What I missed the most when I first had children was the freedom of walking around the city or my neighborhood sort of during the dusk hours when people, commuters were coming home. Where people were going out and that exchange of energy and seeing the sights and the sounds and the art on the street. And I was like, all of that turned me on. So suddenly I had a kid and I was at home from 4:30 till 7:30 doing all that bullshit that you have to do with a baby, which, look, it's bullshit. I call it bullshit. It's also amazing. But when you're doing it every night, you realize you've lost your freedom and you might not even know what that— yeah, I didn't, I didn't realize how connected the two were. So what I started doing was once or twice a week, I, I did do the pumping and I, I made I wasn't sure that the baby would take a bottle. That was a process, but it happened. And I would pass off that responsibility to someone else, either my husband or a nanny or my mom. And I would go out and I, it was literally like, I am going out to reclaim my freedom during the most difficult and exhausting hours of parenting. And so I would go out on my own. I called it the mommy pop out. I'm popping out, bitches. I'm out, dude. Right. I'm popping out, pop out, walk around. Have a coffee, have a drink at the bar, flirt with the bartender, go see an author reading or a book signing or a museum opening or a movie or a yoga class. Something that fueled my sensual imagination, right? I didn't go to Target to buy toilet paper because sometimes moms— that is exciting to go to Target on your own.

No, they're all the same. They're— yeah, it's depressing sometimes, Target, but I get it.

But the pop-out is about—

I love the mommy pop-out.

The mommy pop-out's so good. It's so good. And then, then I would come home and I'd be like, hey honey, I'm turned on because I had my freedom. I didn't exhaust myself. And also, you know, when he would step up and do that, which he, he knew what the results were, so he was happy to. He knew that when I came home, I felt turned on. And so most likely that was a night where I would be energized and inspired to have sex. So, so I can— freedom is huge for your libido.

Freedom is huge. Cuz you do lose it. And I feel like I've had so many friends, cuz most of my friends do have kids. Yeah. And I, I feel like I've had so many conversations with them and I just like, you have to do it. Can you get a sitter? Like all of them, they've got, you know, the kids are older now, but they've all gone through stages where I'm like, like, no, I can't find the sitter. Or they just have this guilt. Like, I feel bad leaving them. Mm-hmm. Or my husband won't understand, or he won't be able to help her with her homework. Right. Or he won't be able to help him. He doesn't get how to make the lunches. Yeah. And it's like, how do you do that transition to like trusting? You have to.

This is what I call learning to love daddy style. Okay. I call it learning to love daddy style.

It's a whole new jargon here with Emily Morse.

And, um, I remember in the early days, first child, Charlie would be like, you go take a bath. I'll put Rocky down. And I would be in the bath, but I was a new mom and I was like, it has to be perfect. He has to get all 11.5 steps of bedtime perfectly correct, or otherwise Rocky won't sleep through the night. I was like a nervous wreck. So I would get myself out of the bath. And I would go stand outside the door and just watch. I would go stand outside the door. And if he was a minute late in getting Rocky down, I would bust in and cause a ruckus. I was that psycho. And that's when, after a couple weeks of that, Charlie was like, listen, listen to me. This is daddy style. That's what he said. This is daddy style. And you have to let me parent how I parent. He said, you're missing the point here. I'm trying to give you an opportunity to relax, to unwind, to just have free time. And you're hovering, like, let me do me. Me do this. And so I think it's a process of like saying, what's the exchange here? What's the value that I'm getting? I'm getting free time. I'm getting alone time. I can pop out of the house. I can have a long FaceTime with my mom or whoever. I can go shopping and go to the gym. It may not be done perfect. The pajamas may be on backwards. The bathroom floor might be flooded, but you're still out. You're not doing it. So cut him some slack, appreciate him, appreciate his style, and appreciate the free time that you got. There's, that's the only way to do it.

That's a big moment. Cuz I just hear all my friends with protesting. Like I had to get her one of my friends a nanny once. I'm like, I will find the nanny. There's a nanny board in San Francisco. Yeah. I, here's where you should post it. Cuz they just, there's this resistance or this skills or like I know there's resistance. Their moms never got help. Or you just hear so many excuses from moms. Like I, um, yeah, it's true. Yeah. Like the kids aren't gonna be okay.

And I can imagine the kids will be okay. Yeah. They're fine. The kids are gonna be okay. Yeah. Right. You're such hoverers. Right.

And also this, you're gonna mess up your kids. That's why we're here on the planet. Yes. Like, you're literally— I used to joke with my brother. I'm like, yeah, we'll just— like, he used to joke, like, I'm not saving up for their college fund, I'm saving up for their therapy fund. Because, oh my God, like, yes, you should do that. And it's true. Well, because— and I believe that we're all here, and that's when they were like 1 year old, because we are all here to work on our childhood. Like, that's who we are. Undo it or redo it and learn what happened and grow from it. Like, I honestly believe that working through our past is what propels us into our future. So you do the best you can. You're a loving mom and you're, you're doing the work and you've got a good husband. It's like nothing's ever gonna be perfect. And I have to remember that too with work.

Like, it's not gonna be perfect. Like, yep.

You know? Yeah. So that's a big one. I love that. I hope that this is just really gonna resonate.

Yeah, I hope so. I mean, look, I always think that guilt is a wasted emotion. Anger can be a very productive emotion. It can move you to take action, to express yourself, to heal wounds, whatever. But guilt, it doesn't—

it's a waste. It's a waste.

It really is.

My mom used to say that exactly. I've never heard anyone else say that. She's like, Emily, guilt is a wasted emotion.

It's a really— it's a wasted emotion. Yeah.

And then I'm like, well, but Mom, you should feel guilty because you suck. But you know, but it's true though. It's not even emotion, right? No, it's more like it's loosely tied to anxiety, which also isn't an emotion. Anxiety. I know, right? I hate it. So it's like this practice. Now what about masturbation? For a lot of women, Moms or no moms, they never even masturbate. They're like, well, I've got a husband, I've got a partner, I've got a toy, right? But I don't ever use it, or it's been a while, or things don't feel the same, I don't feel sexy. Do you like gateways for moms, or good toys that you like, or, uh, like different, like, quickies for moms? I mean, I think the thing is, it works for you.

When I sit down on Sunday night to look at my week, I always sketch in a solo session, right? I map out where I'm gonna masturbate, put in the calendar. I do, I put it in the calendar just like I like everything else in the calendar, my work tasks, my fitness, you know, where I'm gonna get my fitness, what I'm gonna cook and meal plan. So I schedule it in. And I think that for most moms, it's like organization really helps your family life run smoothly. So why not also organize where you're gonna get your pleasure? Um, especially prior—

that's another way for self-care. Yes. Prioritizing your pleasure.

Yeah. And I think that this is the thing, don't wait for the desire to strike. Right. If you're not in the habit of regular self-pleasure and you're like, well, why am I, how, why am I gonna do this? Or when or how? Don't wait for this sudden urge of like lust for yourself to strike. Make a date with yourself, lay down, grab a toy, put it on your body. Be curious about how it feels. And within what, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, you're gonna have an amazing orgasm. Yeah. You'll be surprised.

And you'll never regret it. Never. It resets. It resets you. It feels good. You're like, your eyes are, you're You get color in your skin.

I had the best orgasm last night with myself. I have to say, I think I had the best sexual experience ever with myself last night. What happened?

Oh God, she's away from her husband now. She's visiting LA. She was coming on Sex with Emily.

You know, I just, I went out dancing with friends last night. I was really in my body. I had so much fun. I felt so much love. And I came home and I bought this new crystal wand from Shock Rubs, which is amazing. Shock Rubs. Yeah. Do not own chakra. No, clear quartz dildo. So beautiful. I called— I named mine the Rainbow Rocket because I feel like it's like a manifestation tool. Like, I literally— there's like a prism inside the quartz which looks like a rainbow, and I was like, this is the rocket to my dreams, this is my vehicle. Um, and then I have this new wand from a brand called La Stelle. Okay, it's a little bit like the Lelo Smart Wand, which whoever's listening, it's the best. Lelo Smart Wand in medium. Okay. So good. And I used both of them and I was just, I'm in a hotel, so it's like new surfaces to be on. Turned on this OJ's song. Hold on, I wanna tell you. Play it, play it. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Sexy playlist. Oh my God, this is the best. Hold on, this is so good. I heard it in my Uber and I started to get aroused on my way home from the bar. Okay, okay, hold on a second. Do it, do it, do it. How can I play this in here? Just play it to the mic. Just play it to the mic? Second. Hold on, it's called Let Me Make Love to You.

It's gonna get to the good part soon.

Hold on, closer. I mean, come on, come on. Let Me Make Love to You, Baby. I love it. And then there's this And he says, "I won't stop until you ask me to." Oh my God, that's so hot.

And you know what? Finding it in the Uber. You know what?

The inspiration was in the Uber and I was like, what song is this? I was literally aroused in the Uber. This guy's like, oh my God. I was like, is this safe? I didn't tell him I was aroused. Right, thank you. And I didn't tell him. I was like, Dana, keep it together. I said, what song is this? So good. And so I got it in my Spotify. I immediately went upstairs, put the record on, Got my toys out, danced around the room, listening to the OJs.

I love it. It's called the OJs.

The OJs. And I just, you know what, it was just this combination of being, you know, I had had a gin and tonic and I was just super like in a, having a love fest with my friends and dancing. And then this music, all these sensual inputs, right? It's all sensual. And then the hotel room, right? Being in a new space. And then I just, oh, I just had all these wonderful fantasies. I'm gonna keep some of the details for myself. Yeah, that's okay. You've shared a lot. But afterwards I was literally like, I think that was the best sexual experience I may have ever had in my whole life. Wow. With myself. That is possible. It's possible. We don't tell Charlie that, but no, you know what?

It's like, you know what, that's okay.

Because I thought about the best alone experience.

No, no, I actually—

that, you know, it's interesting that you brought that up because I had that thought like, oh well, like, is that a bummer for Charlie? Like, if I acknowledge that that was actually the best sexual experience I've ever had in my whole life. But you know what, the longest relationship, sexual or not, that I'm ever gonna have in my whole life is with myself.

That's true. That's it. That's it. That's it.

It's the longest one I've ever had. I've had it with myself my whole life. Like I can own, I can own that as a sovereign being. Yes, exactly.

And it wasn't like it was with the Uber driver.

It was with yourself. It was not with the Uber driver.

And you were loving yourself. And it sounds like in your relationship, he'd be very happy for you.

And I think, you know, I think he would, I think he'd probably be like, well, show me.

And I would, I would read, I would read. So these shock, I've heard about these shock rubs. Someone tell me about, but like using a dildo and a clitoral vibe is what we're talking about, which is the best. Yes. Yes. Both. Yeah, I love that. I love that combo.

I love the combo. Yeah, I'm a combo girl.

Vibes are great, but this way you could control everything. Yes, yes, I agree. It was very special. I'm glad you're having such a sexy special time in Los Angeles.

So this is my— this is like my extended mommy pop-out, you know? It's like, yeah, I've got 4 days of freedom. I'm expressing myself. I'm, I'm enjoying myself. And, um, you know, the first day I got here, I had the guilt, which I usually don't have when I leave my kids, and it struck me down. I really felt like, can I be away from them? Have Have I made the right choice? Is this the right thing to do? And it took me like a day to kind of settle into it. Yeah. And to continue to give myself permission that I'm allowed to step outside of my role as mother and orchestrator of our family life. Exactly.

And to just have my own life and they're gonna be fine. The kids are gonna be fine. Exactly. Everything's gonna be okay. Maybe reaching out to your friends. I mean, here's the thing that I did.

I reached out to my friends. Yeah.

I have like my girls too that I call when something, you know, we, I think we all have to have our, like our ride or die. Mm-hmm. Fortunate that I have a lot of them and I'm, you know, close, that I have the people you could call when you're about to— for anything. Yeah. But what I realize is when I don't have that, that's also something that's missing. And I feel like, like if I— if let's say I've gone a few days or I haven't seen them in a while, and like I was telling you earlier, a lot of them are not in LA, so I had to work on building community in Los Angeles. But how important that is for women, because I think that you do have kids, you get busy in your life, and you just think, well, it's not important, I just have my family. And then you got to make those friends again. Yeah. But I think it's women, it shouldn't just be like a, a should, like it should be like you, you require it.

Community's everything. Yeah. And you know, to think about the way we used to live, they always say like, well, we used to live in villages and it's like motherhood I think was easier because one night one woman would cook, right? One night another woman would cook and for the whole tribe, right? Yes. And y'all watch each other's kids. There were, there were, y'all watch each other's kids. And now we're sort of, oftentimes we've moved away from our families and we're mothering in isolation. It's true. So finding such a problem, your, your friends friend, family, and building that community is, it's so important.

Otherwise, you know, in Brooklyn she was there and she was like, oh my God, everyone in the neighborhood— she just moved back to San Francisco, she's like, but I miss it, everyone's kids were coming over, we all knew everyone, makes everything so much easier. It does. Well, I'm glad that you've had that. Yeah. Now what about sex hacks for when you have kids?

Oh my God, the other night I was just talking—

I want to tell you, because I was talking to a friend recently and she's like, I don't feel comfortable having sex even when the kids are home and they're like 8 and 6. I'm like, 8 and 6. Yes.

She's not even when they're in the house at all.

No, she still has, she can't totally be herself. She has it, but she doesn't feel like she can let go as much. Or yeah. Yeah. So what, yeah. What do you guys do for this?

That's a really good question. And I would say at least once a week I make sure the kids get out of the house. And so that we have 2 to 3 hours to have like a real proper long love session. Love it. So the nanny, I'll organize for her to take them to a museum or to the park or to Target or, you know, bribe them.

Let them get the toilet paper at Target. Yeah, totally.

I agree. You know, you do feel more free, like you can really relax, like you can be more vocal when the kids are outta the house. So once a week I organize that. I make sure that happens. That's a good tip. Yeah. Organize that.

Once a week, like it has to be on the calendar. Figure it out.

Yeah. It has to be so that you can organize for the childcare and make it happen. Um, you know, it's interesting. I never let our kids sleep in our room. Never ever. I was very rigid with that. And then when our son started having like a little bit of nighttime anxiety and struggling to fall asleep last year. I couldn't be as rigid with him. It was a real shift in mothering for me. It was like, oh, he's a real human having real feelings here. I can't just shove him back in his bed and tell him that's it. So he now comes into our room, which is so weird for me. Cause I was always like, this is our space. This is the, this is the marriage space. So it's harder for us to have sex at night. Right. Cause there's a human in our room. And because we work together, so we'll just try to have sex during the day.

Yeah. How did you—

okay. So now our sex has mostly shifted to daytime sex, which is fun.

We're all fine.

Good. I have more energy. But look, I think, you know, if you've got kids in the house and they're asleep, turn off the monitor so you don't have one ear on the monitor and one ear trying to have great sex. It's like, try to focus your energies where they are. Um, in the bedroom, mindfulness everywhere.

Yeah.

And, and also know that like, I think, you know, when parents are getting their love needs met, it's only ever a good thing for the kids. That's like full stop. Happy parents who are fulfilling each other's love needs and intimacy needs, your kids are gonna be happy.

Yeah. You're a better parent. You're a better parent. Better everything. It's so true. Prioritize. Prioritizing pleasure. Exactly. I love that you have all these, that you have all these tapes and this course coming out.

The cool thing is that I'm not trying to like change anyone into some, you know, Victoria's Secret Angel version of what sexy is. I think what the practice is in the book and what the practice is in the new program, it's really about discovering what's uniquely sexy about you and what works for your sex life and relationship and self-confidence at this moment.

So what about the variety part of it? Uh, have you ever got to like a rut? You're like, uh, of course, right?

Okay, yeah, of course. I mean, we all fall in and out.

You will fall into a rut, and if you've never fallen into a rut, I don't believe you.

Yeah, totally. So look, I mean, you can, you know, obviously the easy ways to spice things up is bring in a toy, bring in, you know, watch a little porn that interests you. Um, the thing that I'm loving these days, uh, is what I call playing with erotic energies. And it's sort of like very light fantasy, very light role play. So, um, I had had planned to have sex on a Thursday night. And so Charlie was putting the kids to bed. I was doing my stretching and my dancing, and then I was in the shower and he came in and he said, what are you in the mood for, love? And out of nowhere I just said, I want to wrestle. I want to wrestle. And I had been watching GLOW on Netflix and I really love their outfits. They're like shiny wrestling, gorgeous ladies of wrestling outfits. And I wasn't in the mood for like slow erotic sex. I wasn't in the mood to watch porn, but this idea, this erotic energy of I want to wrestle was like a hint. It was a hint at what kind of energy I wanted. I wanted like to kind of like have our bodies colliding and to sort of pin each other down and just be rough and tumble, but in a bit of a funny way. And the sex that we wound up having that night had this new energy. And I was like running across the room and like body slamming him. And we were like tumbling and tossing. And it was so fun. And it was just 4 words. It was just 4 words, but it completely re-energized and brought this new energy. And so that became our thing. He would ask me, what are you in the mood for, love? And I would say, I want you to pet me like a cat. Because I was wearing these yummy jersey jammies and I felt all slinky in them jammies and I felt like a cat and I just wanted to be pet like a cat. And so that evoked this other kind of sensual and I was purring and crawling and so that brought a whole different flavor to sex. Exactly, I love it. So what I recommend to women to do is to spend a minute when you're not in the bedroom writing down phrases, writing down these erotic energies that might interest you. Hot and cold, pretend you're from Spain, uh, pat me like a cat, you know, anything. And then practice saying them to yourself in the mirror so that you get comfortable with your voice, so you get comfortable hearing yourself say that. So when your partner says, what are you in the mood for, you already have something to say, you know.

If your partner never says, what are you in the mood for, you have to ask them.

Say, babe, when we have sex on Sunday, I want you to ask me Emily, what are you in the mood for? Great. That's it.

Ask for it. Now, what if they ask you, right? And then what if they're, uh, people have never talked about sex? I don't know. I talk about this all the time, but couples are like, we've never talked about it. Or they feel like it's just, um, it's not okay for it to ask for what they want. But I guess if they start doing your program and masturbating, they're gonna— well, there's—

I think that, look, it can be uncomfortable to talk about sex if you don't feel like you You know, or if you're just not in the practice of it, but a really easy way to do it is to sit down over a glass of wine and say, we're going to talk about sex for the next 30 minutes. I have 3 questions that this girl on Sex with Emily said to say. So you say, what's great about our sex life? What could be better? And how can we co-create a sex life that feels exciting and compassionate for this moment in our life right now? And it's like, that's not that hard.

No, it's really not that hard. We can talk about that. We've never talked about it. I think we both agree our sex life is important. Yeah. So this is time. Let's start now. Yeah. Yeah. I say, I love it over coffee.

And it's important. You're not in the bedroom. Yeah. When you're not in the bedroom, don't do it in the bedroom.

It's the worst time to do it. I know you should cook in the kitchen. Does it make sense if I told you not to? But bedroom, talk outside. Do not.

And if, and if it starts to turn into like a blame game conversation where, where you or your partner's focusing on the lack of sex, you have to say, no, no, let's come back to the opportunity. Yes, there may have been a lack or a drought, but let's talk about the opportunity. What could be better? Well, we could have sex more often. What does that mean to you? What would be good for you? 3 times a week? Well, mine's once a week. Okay, so look, we could land it twice a week. Yeah. And it's like just taking away the fear, um, so much fear and the blaming and the shaming.

Yeah. Like not coming at a place like if it's the first time you've talked about it, you haven't in a while, like clean slate.

That's why I start with what's great. I love it.

Start with the positive. What could be better? Yeah. It's so hard though, the what could be better, because sometimes couples like, we always take it into the negative for something's wrong with me. But just remember, if you're doing it in a—

well, and when you answer that question What could be better? You want to start with a positive. So, I love how we kiss, and I would like to explore this new position. Not, but I want to explore this new position, and I'd like to try this after.

But is bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, totally good. Good tips, Dana. Thank you. This is awesome. So everyone's got to check out your course when it comes out. Check out your book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover. So you took your book basically and expanded it into videos?

Expanded it. There's a lot of new content. Yeah, in the program. There's a lot of new stuff.

Dana, I think this is gonna be such a great service for women everywhere. Thank you. And I'm excited to watch it. Thank you. Thank you, Dana.

Thank you so much. Thank you for being here.

You're a rock star. You are, honey. I'm so proud of everything you're doing. This is amazing. Uh, everything will be on the show notes, danabmyers.com. Thank you.

Anywhere else they should know? That's it. Danabmyers.com.

That's all the info you need. Thank you for being here. Thank you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.