Sex: It’s Complicated

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good being bad Feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out everything we do there@sexwithemily.com youm can find us on all social media exwheedmily across the board. Also, SiriusXM five days a week. You guys, it's awesome. I'm there Monday through Friday on channel stars 109. And so check it out. It is a good time. I really love these girls. I hope you enjoyed today's interview. I want to welcome my guests, Jen golden and Lauren Leonelli, hosts of the It's Complicated podcast. You can find them on AfterBuzzTV and ComplicatedShow on Instagram. Welcome, ladies. Jen and Lauren.

Thank you for having us. We're very excited.

Aroused.

Are you already aroused?

I was gonna say excited, but I felt like aroused was a better word.

It's a good choice. Good choice.

Well, it's great to have you because I was on their podcast. It was like our first date.

And.

It went so well.

It went so well. Like, I wanted to keep going. I think we jumped right into anal, though.

Oh, we did.

It was our first date. But we jumped to anal talk.

Yes.

Yeah. Literally and figuratively.

No. We really wanted to know about what to do about anal.

Right. And so we talked about it because I think it was. Your boyfriend was curious about it. Wanted. It was encouraging it.

Yes. My boyfriend, Lauren. Lauren. He talks about participating in anal, asking, like, often, participating.

Do you want.

Can we.

Don't you think.

Don't you think we should shine this pledge form?

Yeah, Just bringing it up enough that I'm like, okay. I mean, I hadn't ever really tried it. I attempted at one point years back, and I just. It didn't seem to go so good. So I was a little hesitant, but yes. Then I said, okay, fine, if he really wants to do. I mean, maybe I should. Some people really like it. Maybe I should try. Like, what if I like it? But I did not.

Oh, right. But in the past. Or did you try it again?

Well, no, then we tried it and we used the worst.

Forget.

Yeah, we. We used the worst lube ever that you guys are going to. If you don't remember, you're going to be upset at me for. For saying that we used this, but it was olive oil.

Oh, right. I remember, Jamie. Okay. That's right. Olive oil.

Is that even a lube?

I think that's just.

No, olive oil is an oil that you put on your. Make salad dressing or put it on your chicken.

They're not all created equally, Lauren.

No, no. No olive oil at all. But then we've given you lube since then, I believe or no. Have we not? This is your first. Okay. So we're gonna give you some lube. This is like the third olive oil as lube story I've heard it. Producer Jamie.

Yes. So my guy that I'm seeing, I gave him a toy. It's a male toy because we don't have many penises around here to test things. And he. I was like, yeah. I was like, you're probably gonna want to use lube with it, you know, just so you can get your sucker on in there. And he told me that he used olive oil. And I was like, why did you do that? He said, well, I didn't have anything else. And I just felt like I did him a disservice. How did I not give him any lube yet?

I mean, how could he?

We have pounds of lube.

I know. So I felt like it was my fault that he used the ol.

Olive oil.

It was your fault.

It was your fault because you've been with them for a while and you've been working for three years and you've pounds of lube. But that's okay. We'll let that go.

But also, did you give him a deadline for when he needed to try it by? Like, why that day did he have to do it with the olive oil?

No, no. He was just curious. I wasn't there. I don't know. But he's got lube now, so we're okay.

Good. So we've got lots. You guys are gonna leave with packages of lube. And you guys on the show, you've heard me talk a lot about my anal tips. I don't think I have to get into it. All going slow. Breathe.

Yeah.

Okay, so we don't have to start every show with anal.

I mean, it's a private tradition with us.

It really is. It. So what have you guys been up to? Tell me the latest.

We just had. We just had our 150th episode.

Congratulations. That's a lot of episodes.

So much talking.

Not as much as you, Emily, but one can dream, right?

We'll get there.

Yeah. You'll get 100,000. Get to 5,000. So wait, so tell me about your experience. So it's complicated. Let's talk about your show a little bit. So people haven't listened to it because we already Know, we've got some podcast listeners here, so tell me and Ed, radio listeners and people like to listen. So how would you explain your podcast? You give advice, dating.

We do give advice. We give our own personal stories. We do all of the research for everybody as to what's going on in the world of dating and relationships and talk about hot topics. And we always have a really fun guest on to talk about their experience with all such things.

Yeah, we pick a relatable topic that has to do with relationships. And, like, we talk about codependency or we talk about, like, how to break up correctly or anything that we think, like, people might have either a misconception about or getting wrong often. Or, like, we had an experience that we really want to share. So we'll be like, oh, let's make the topic about this.

Like, breakups. When I went through one.

I'm so glad you brought that up, Jen, because we met. You were in the relationship. We actually, when I was on your show, it's complicated. We talked about your. And honestly, can I just be. I was like, I'm not sure about him because I hope he's not. I don't care if he listens. I wasn't happy that you weren't. It only been a few months. I don't know how long it been. Not less than a year, right?

Definitely only a few months. Yeah.

And let me just say this. I believe that sex, at least the first year, you're gonna have some fits and starts, but it should be getting some needs met. It should be getting better, not worse. And I felt like you were not getting basic needs met that I. If I would have. My thoughts were, like, not sure this is long for this world, but sure enough, you were like, we broke up.

We did. And honestly, if anyone should have broken up with anyone, it should have been me breaking up with him, because the sex was not good. Like, I feel bad saying it was bad, but, no, it was bad.

So let's talk second. Because I often, in fact, my show was built on that bedrock of bad sex. I was like, I've had enough bad sex. I would like to learn what great sex means. And so, but let's talk for you. What was bad sex? What did that mean for you?

It was very, like, disconnected. Like, I don't think that we were in sync at all. I don't think that there was, like, passion there also. It was just, like, awkward. Like, it felt like a round. What is the saying around.

She never gets this right. Putting a square peg in a Round hole. Not one thing.

That was like Lauren's first time analytics.

It was very much so.

Yeah. No, so I get it. Yeah.

So it just felt also his item was shaped a little weird.

Oh, gosh. Okay.

Does that necessarily. That's not bad, right, Emily?

Well, I don't think weirdly or oddly shaped to you penis is a problem because for some people, like, I remember people like, oh, I have a crooked penis. Is that okay? And for a lot of people, it's like, that could hit your G spot. That could be great.

Okay. That wasn't this.

It was.

It did not curve to your curvature.

No, it's okay. I went down the rabbit hole on the Internet, obviously, and I googled cone shaped penis. And I think it's actually like you break your penis at some point and then it's like that and you actually might need surgery.

Oh, yeah, A cone, like a full on, like a pointy tip. And then it was.

That gets bigger at the bottom.

Yeah, it's like this, like a triangle comes to like a point.

The head is like a point. Right.

And. And it just gets wider where it.

Gets the base with the. Okay.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Doesn't sound comfortable.

No, to me at all.

It was just like weird and like odd sensations and none of it worked out. It just.

It just. Everything right there was the chemistry and you wanted more oral sex.

Yeah, just any.

And thank you. Any oral. Right. That is grounds for dismissal. No oral after you ask and talk about it.

Oh, no, I hadn't. The thing is, you came on the show and my goal was to start talking about it. And he even listened to the show when you came on. And at that point, I think the next time I saw him, he, like, started to go down on me, but then, like, didn't stay down there long enough because I'm like, now I'm nervous that you're down there. Like, I'm in my head. Sucker.

Well, Emily gave a good tip that I would like to re point out and say that it's also communication. And you don't. You said you don't really want to talk about this, like in the bedroom, but beforehand talk about candidly, like, if that's the case. So if you're comfortable enough, you would say, like, I really like it when you go down on me and listen, like, I have to get out of my head for a second. Gonna take me a second. So just know that, like, you're gonna have to be down there for a little bit because it takes me a while to warm up to the situation, like a warning, is fair, and then it takes the pressure off you.

Exactly. Good memory. That's what I always say. You gotta settle into it. Because to me, for. For oral sex, what I think I said or my intention was that for women, we get so worried. Like, am I taking too long? Does he really wanna be doing this? We're staring at the clock. It's been 12 minutes now 13. So the best thing our partners can do when they're performing oral is say, I got this. I love you, taste so good. I've got all night. Lay back. I'm not going anywhere. And, like, let us relax.

That would be really nice.

I feel like saying, babe, settle in. Like, you can. We're like, good, I'm gonna do it, then. I'll be here for an hour. Go down for an hour, or whatever you want.

Is there, like, a normal time frame that it should happen in?

Nope, there is no normal when it comes to that. I think that some women, it could be three minutes, some it could be an hour. Like how your partner wants to do it.

I always was pretty uncomfortable with it. I was in my head about it, like, oh, your face is in my vagina. Like, what is going on? Like, I feel very uncomfortable by it. But I will say it's true. My boyfriend now is very vocal about, like, I want to do this. I want to be here. This. I love doing this. Like, even if I say no. No. He's like, no, please. Like. And it helps because now it's something that I'm not uncomfortable with. And he's pretty good at it, and it results in a good, positive thing every time.

Is this always been or lately? He's. No.

Oh, him.

Always.

Yes, but only him, really. Like, he's only. It's because he made me feel comfortable. Like, it's massively important.

Yeah, that's so true. And I love. I love that you're saying this, because that's the proof for so many women, the best sex, I think, you know, when I talk, we talk about bad sex. But for really great sex, where women report having the most orgasms, the most pleasure and satisfaction is when they feel safe.

Absolutely.

You know?

Yeah.

So he makes you feel like, I'm in it. I got it. And he believes it. So. Love all of that. I know. It's good. So you guys are having good sex. That's great. You gave some advice on the breakup show. What is some breakup tips for People People love. I did a breakup show, like, about a year ago. I have to say, it was Most popular shows, people like your breakup show helped me get through the breakup. So I'm wondering what'd you guys talk about? Maybe if it's even don'ts or do's. Sounds like it was some don'ts.

Yeah.

One is just don't break up with somebody over the phone.

We, we. Yes. That is not okay. But like we said, make sure that how you break up with somebody is directly related to the amount of time the relationship is. So like, if it's been like a month or something and you feel like, okay, we've gone on like four dates, but we did talk about being exclusive maybe at some point and maybe that was premature. Like, maybe it's okay to like have the conversation over the phone. Potentially. Yes. But like, you know, so then also if it's been like a certain amount of time, you owe that person respect.

Other people's family members.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're talking about the future and getting to know that person's child, for instance. Yeah, no, you do that in person, face to face, not over the phone. So that's one thing. And then the other thing is don't be all kinds of wishy washy with the reason for it. Like pick a lane stick in it and then like make it about you, not the other person so that they have closure.

Yeah.

Or, or just.

Or be honest. Like if it is about them, then give them some sort of information that they can grow from because you're not doing them any sort of service.

Try not to. And this is in also just communication with your partner while you're with them too. But you have to try to come from a place of not blaming or shaming, because ultimately it is your choice. You've got to find why you're feeling the way you're feeling, even if it's reactive to somebody else. Just deliver the message inside from you. And how, you know, you try not to say like, you make me. When you do that, you make me feel this way. Like really, nobody's responsible. Making you feel a certain way unless you're having sex and then there we go. But for the most part, it's, you know, try to deliver. It's. It's all about delivery, which was like kind of the whole message. Right. Like, don't deliver it over the phone. Or when you're delivering somebody, you know, some information that might be a little bit hurtful, just be nice about it. Like, don't be a dick.

It sounds like he didn't have a lot of the emotional tools.

Oh, not at all.

Oh, no, no, no.

But then he listened to our show about, like, our breakups and told me that he needed to go to therapy and that it was a reality check and that he really learned a lot about himself from it. Because I was like, I'm a pretty factual person. I don't really exaggerate unless, like, it's about my own self, and I, like, think it's funny, so I'll make it sound funnier. But when I was talking about him, I was like, this happened, and this happened, and this happened, and he said all these things. Things. And that's why this breakup is so odd to me, because he was the one pushing for this relationship the whole time. So he heard all of these facts and was like, whoa, hold on a second.

Wow. So this is amazing. So he actually heard it and he said, you're right. Or did he apologize?

Yeah, he did.

See? See, that's. He did power the podcast.

That's what I was gonna say. It was actually very helpful to think in that moment that. And it's like you. That somebody specifically and personally was affected by this specific and personal situation you were talking about. But the hope is. And the goal is, is that other people are listening and relating, too. Like, that's what. That's why we share the intimate moments, because. And then we. We just talked about this on our 150th episode. Like, that we have no regrets. I mean, you talk about the most personal stuff, but you're being authentic, and you're. You want to share this with people, to help people, and so you'll talk about anything, threesomes, whatever you want. Like, things normally wouldn't want to share. And we have girlfriends that don't want to talk about relationships and stuff, but we're like, we don't.

It.

We're being authentic. We want to share, and we want to help. So there's really no boundaries and no regrets for what we say in this situation with the ex. It was so helpful.

It was. And actually, on our show, our 150th show, I referred to us as, like, Good Samaritans. Like, now that we do this and we live in this relationship world, I feel like we have to chime in. It's our moral, like, duty to if we see something, we have to say something. Yeah, basically. So if. And if I can give advice to anybody at this point or you could give advice, we have to help them, because it's also, like, authentic to, I think, who we are. Like, oh, yeah. This is not just a Show for us where we're entertaining people. Like, we live and breathe this at this point, which I'm sure you do, too.

Yes. All the things, all the sex, all the time. But I think that. I think that is a great point. And I think we do learn a lot from other people's stories, which is, you know, I think that's great that you guys are here and that he actually listened. I'm too bad he didn't listen to the oral sex episode. It sounds like he. When I was on. He listened a little bit.

He did.

It just didn't. Like, it didn't land.

That didn't click. But the breakup won. So let's talk about a good kind of breakup then. Or what did you know, like, how to handle it? Well, I don't know. Yeah, it would have been nice to maybe have him take you out for dinner. But then here's the. Let me do a flip side of that. I had someone who said to me, why did he take me out? It was a friend of mine a while ago. She said, why would he take me out to dinner? We ordered food, and I'm waiting for the food to come, and he's like, I don't think this is working right.

That's the wrong time.

Could it have been a coffee? Like, maybe some.

You know, we talked about that.

I mean, here's the thing in terms of this. What he could have done better was we actually had. I saw him on a Tuesday. He called me on a Wednesday and broke up with me, but we'd actually had plans scheduled for the following Friday. So he could have waited until Friday and said, I'm gonna come to you for a date, and brought all my stuff with him. And then he could have just come over before we were like, what I thought would have maybe been going to dinner and then said, it's not working, or whatever. And then I would at least be home, right? I'd already be here. And then he could have left, and we would have done it in person, and I'd have all my things. Instead, I didn't have my things.

At the end of the day, the conversation, no matter how it happens, I guess it's always gonna hurt. And you're probably always going to extract, as the receiver of some news like that, like, something negative because it. It either hurts your ego or it just. If you feel rejected or whatever. So of course you're going to be like, this sucks. And there's going to be reasons why it sucks, but we're just trying to help. It Suck less. So there's a lot of things you can do to help lighten the blow or lessen the blow, and you should be, you know, aware of those things, because relationships are scary for everybody. And it's also hard to deliver the news to if you're the one.

It is. It's. It's hard all around. But I think that's. I think that's. That's good advice to be real and to be honest and to treat the person like a human being, like he was with you for whatever it is a few months. Even if it's a night you want to treat someone with respect.

And when they don't, that's almost when it feels worse because then you're like, wait a second. I actually mean even less to you than I thought.

Right.

Because you are treating me so poorly. So that's why I think if you still, like, if I didn't kill anybody in his family or, like, you know, cheat on him, like, he should still treat me with respect and that he didn't do that.

Okay. Well, I did feel like he learned a lesson, though, so that's great. I feel like the relationships are where we do our best work, so I think that when you're in or out, how you get out of it was. Was really good work. So are you dating now?

You know, I'm just the bachelorette in my own mind, and I'm dating everyone. My therapist told me I have to do that.

I think it your job to date everyone. I think she's. Yeah, she's really purposely dating.

She's really good at it.

I think you would be. I think that you're. You're probably meeting people all over the. You know.

Well, really just on dating apps, really. I'm still waiting for my friends to set me up. I guess I need new friends.

She's down for any kind of setup. Just the dating app.

She.

Jen likes to really take control of a situation. She will let herself feel bad about something, like, normally go through the emotions, but she for sure does not, like, throw a pity party. She will, like, allow herself to cry for five minutes, and then she'll be like, okay, now I have to do something good, like, to balance it out. And so the dating apps are good for. For her or somebody like her that wants to, like, kind of take. Yeah, pro. Exactly.

No, I think that's really healthy. I think if you're. You're into the apps, I think it's a great way just to kind of get your foot back out. Get your. Get Yourself back out. Get your foot. Dip your toe in the. I was gonna say dip your toe in the dating water.

Yeah.

And get out there. And in the meanwhile, when you're. When you're not. I think it's important too, to continue to just kind of self love after a breakup. If it could be really hard, it's good to, you know, love yourself. Build yourself back up again. Take some classes, work out, use some toys. Like, you guys are sitting there. I gave them some magic wands when they walked in. I'm not sure. I didn't actually do it. I was in the room. You walked in, and then you had the magic wands there. It happened so fast and you guys hadn't seen. So we had our sex toy closet open first of all.

The sex toy closet. Holy Moses.

Right? It's pretty amazing.

And it's really organized, which, you know, just I love so much.

Yeah, I know. Well, that's Sarah, our assistant producer. She did it. She organized. She helped.

She's beautiful.

Thank you. It's one of my most proudest possessions. Or how does things on display. So you had some questions about the magic wand? Because I know it's kind of. It's a big. It looks like a large vibrator. You don't put it inside of you. It's actually. We call it the Cadillac of all vibrators. It's great for clitoral stimulation.

You need a giant thing for that tiny little part of your body. This whole thing is supposed to be.

It's great to massage her. Well, here's the story. So it's been around for 50 years. The magic wand. Okay, so the magic wand would start out as a massager, personally. On your back.

Okay.

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, I kind of need that too.

Well, exactly, exactly. So it's a twofer. And it used to have a. It's the most powerful vibrator plugged into the wall, has a cord.

Oh, my God.

And it was like, oh, my God. It's like, er. It's like a power tool. So. But then someone realized at some point, like, oh, my God. It actually feels really good there. So, you know, onto my genitalia on my cubic mouth.

You are that person that would be like, you know, the 50s or 60s, whenever it was you. I feel like Emily's the girl who is like, this massager is great. What about.

Hmm. I wish I could take credit. Right. So it's been around and people. People love the magic wand. It is really a favorite. You use it. It's like the sure Thing is what I call it for vibrators. It's fun. It can feel great on a partner. You can use it over your underwear. Some people can be.

How?

Oh you mean like for the guy to use it on you?

He could use it on you. You could give a massage with it. Mix it. A massage candle.

Multi purpose.

It's multi purpose.

But where do you put it? Cuz like I feel like normal drawers aren't even this big.

Yeah, but.

But this is the good thing about it though. It looks like a massager.

It does look like. You don't have to hide it. It actually is a massager. So. Yeah. Yeah. And just charge it and it's. It's great. Have you guys used toys before?

Yes.

Okay, what did you like using?

Oh, just a regular vibrator, like from Amazon. I think it was $9.

Okay. Oh, right. So this one's not the magic wanding support. You're gonna have that one for a while.

Great. I've had the $9 one actually for a while. But I don't like having to replace batteries.

Oh, it's a battery that's rechargeable.

There was a time I would go to work and steal batteries. I'm like, oh man, that mouse is out of batteries again.

The mouse. What happened to the mouse? Love that she was.

Was stealing batteries from work like a teenage girl.

You did not.

Yes, I would take batteries.

They deserved it.

They did.

No, it's funny because that is the most toys were battery operated until about maybe five years ago. Now they're all rechargeable. So you never have that problem. Just make sure that it's charged, make.

Sure it's ready so it doesn't die out in this mid session.

That's the worst. That, that's actually the worst sex I ever had was when I was about to have an orgasm and it died.

Oh, that sounds horrible.

Kind of depressing. No. So yeah. What about the best sex you guys have had?

I honestly, mine is with my boyfriend because for me it's really being comfortable. Like that's huge for me. I don't. I think that having an orgasm is very like mental cerebral for me. And he is the only guy that I've consistently had an orgasm with only ever all. And I haven't had sex with like a ton of people but enough to say like it's. It's definitely because I feel really comfortable with him. I'm also like in my 30s and I think you really. A woman really comes into her own sexuality. That's like Our sexual peak.

Correct. Yeah.

So it's a lot.

It is, yeah.

A lot of things, like aligning, but he just makes me feel like he's in it to win it. He wants to be there. He's loving everything that's going on, and that just really helps me feel comfortable. And then I am not in my head thinking about, like you said, is this taking too long? What am I doing? Is this. Does it look okay?

All that, Right?

Like, do you guys even know that that happens? I mean, I guess if they listen to your show. They do.

They listen to my show. They know it happens. Yeah, because we talk. I mean, we talk about it all the time. And. And. But men have that anxiety as well. They're worrying, does she see that my penis is shaped like a cone? Does she, you know, am I coming too quick? Am I. Am I, you know, is she liking this? Does she, you know, what's going to everything? Am I lasting too long? Did she notice I gained, too? Wait, men worry about lasting.

I guess it's. Why would it be any different?

Right? It's true. So I think we talk about that a lot on the show because people feel bad about it, and it can be really destructive if you can't get out of your head during sex. For a lot of people, they just can't have the orgasms, you know, and it is women and men. So a lot of the. I would say most of the challenges we have around orgasm and performance is because we're in our head. Sure, there can be physical things going on, but a lot of times just, like, we're worried. So, like, just think about. If you are in your head, obviously the blood's, like, rushing to your. The blood's in your head, not your genitals. So the second you can kind of put that energy back towards what you're feeling in the moment, the connection you have with your partner and that love, then you'll be more likely to have amazing sex and great orgasms.

And it's true, because it's happening.

So also, breathing helps.

I forget to breathe. Yes, I do, too.

Especially if I'm nervous or thinking. I'm like. I just hold my breath like I should be an Olympic swimmer, but I am not.

Yeah. So you're right. Breathing is. You know, I guess if we don't breathe, we're dead.

Yeah. Simple things.

Yeah, it's true. During sex. That is true. To breathe. I think that was one thing Jamie said when I talk about the show a lot. And didn't you have during sex one Time you didn't think you were of an orgasm. You're like, let me try the breath thing that we talk about.

Yeah. No, because I realized it's like, you know, sometimes you do. You, like. You brace yourself. You're like, no, it's gonna happen. You try to, like, force it. Like, if you push it, you just push it out of your vagina.

Yeah.

But.

Like, Emily's just like, oh, yeah. Breathing. And I was like, huh. So I went home or whatever. My guy came over, and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna keep breathing deeply. And, like.

Like, when you felt it building up.

Yeah.

Like, I started just to do. And it was crazy because normally I'm like, I kind of need to not breathe to, like, get it over the edge, but it was like I actually had a. Just a way more intense orgasm when I breathed.

Yeah.

And, like, it just pushed.

Yeah.

Great. And then I told her the next day, and it was amazing.

Oh, I heard.

I need to keep that in mind. I don't even think I'm, like, consciously thinking about if I'm breathing or not breathing. I don't think I hold my breath, but I don't think I even thought about it. But I might have a. I feel like there is a consistent problem for me, though. I don't. I need help with this. So if I have. I would say, like, if it's like, two drinks or something, it's fine. But if it's, like, more than that, and maybe. Okay. If it's more than that, I don't feel like I can have an orgasm.

Yeah. Very common.

And I also then wonder. I tell myself in the middle, like, oh, it's because I. Like, I'm not. I'm not getting there like I thought I would. And then I get in my head and go, oh, it's because of the drink. So now it's not gonna happen. So now I'm just like. And then I just give up. And I'm like, oh, how do I. What I. Let's do something to make him go. Because I'm. I just give up or whatever. But is that a real thing? And how can you push through it if it is a real thing?

That's such a good question. Because, yes, they're both real things. So, yes, you can absolutely drink too much, and that can inhibit your ability to orgasm, which is a bummer because a lot of people use alcohol as a sexual lubricant. Besides the action in. You know, besides olive oil or lube. They actually do. And it's like, you know, but that it's great because it got you in the mood, but then you can't come. And that is true. But I think also, I'll bet if you. When you have that. So it could also be that you're thinking about it because I'm sure it's not every time you probably can get there. So it's really a matter of you having that thought and then going back to either. It's a positive. It's a positive thought. Like, but I am gonna have an orgasm. And then you go back to your. But you go back to what you're feeling in the moment. It's always going back to the sensations that you're feeling in the moment. You can have that thought. Why'd you have that extra drink? You're not gonna come now to. What am I feeling? Oh, that actually feels good. I'm gonna breathe. I'm gonna. Oh, why'd you do that, Lauren? You shouldn't have had that extra margarita. Okay, back to the breath. And it's a pro. It's like meditation in yoga, right? Jen, I know you do a lot of yoga because I follow your Instagram and all your pictures. But, like, it's really that. I mean, it's a matter of tripping out on it and going back into the moment and breathing and even just building yourself up. Like, I'm gonna have this drink. I'm also gonna have an orgasm. It's flipping that thought. Flipping it. So I bet. I hope I hear from you next week you're able to get through it.

I like that. I have a question, Jen.

Yes. Call on me.

So I realized. So my best sex was with my ex boyfriend, which was five freaking years ago. And then after that, I would date somebody for a couple months. And I think by the time I would start being comfortable, it would, like, be the end of the relationship. So, like, I never really had good sex with these, like, interlopers, basically.

Yeah.

And so it's hard to do.

Yeah. And I like, I'm like, I don't know you really yet. Like, you're new still. So I feel like at this point, like, I used to be real good at sex. My ex boyfriend even told his current girlfriend, like, no, that was my best sex about me. And I'm like, wait, why do you.

Think you're really good at it?

Like, what do you. Did you have.

Why do I think?

No, I'm just saying, like, what were you. Are you like, I. When I. When I pull this, this, and this out of my pocket, Like, I. This is a trick. Like, I'm good at this.

I'm going to do this move.

Yeah.

Or I once was.

Okay, well, tell me what this once was.

I don't know. I think I just had a lot more energy. Who knows?

I'm old now.

Please. So do you know what that was? Was it your blow job skills? Was it?

No, honestly, I think I just loved him. And so I was more like interested, enthusiastic. And he was, like, very into. Like, he was a terrible boyfriend. Let's not. Yes, he was that twisted, but he was real. We connected on in sex. So that was like, where we met, like, saw eye to eye, and, like, our passion was there. And, like, that was it. So it was. And so I was most comfortable with him because we were also together for so long, even with all the bad stuff that went on. But that was the best sex, even for me. So I think we both felt that way. But since then, I'm like, I have not had good sex like that since then. And I feel like I'm out of practice now at this point. And then there was like a seven month, month stint that I didn't even have sex because I was like, I'm waiting till I get a boyfriend. Then I got one and he had a cone J. Penis.

Right.

Well.

And then now there's like this other person sort of in the picture that like, comes and goes. But I feel like he comes and goes. That's not. Lives in another place.

Yeah.

And I can't get comfortable with him because he's here and then he's gone.

Well, I think it's interesting. First of all, it's funny because, Lauren, we were saying that it's when you're with someone longer, you have that. And you had that same experience too, Jen. So I think. I don't think you've lost it. It's like riding a bike. I think sex. I believe that sex is that you can get it back. And I also think that knowing this, now that we've had this conversation, I think when you're with them, you could try, you know, this guy who's visiting, if you feel even safe enough with him. I think it's more about you allowing yourself to kind of go there with him and, like, opening up and taking the sex that you own. Like, it's not about his pleasure as much as yours. And I think I say that to all women. I think that we are conditioned that how am I performing and is it. Am I doing it right and is he gonna like me? But I Think for many women you can kind of jump that hurdle that having to be a five year relationship is being like, fuck it, I'm gonna take what I want right now, not disregard him, but like I'm gonna move how I want, I'm gonna get upside down, I'm gonna turn this way and that way I'm gonna ask for it because we deserve it and we're all responsible for an orgasm. And that in turn is the hottest thing for so many.

I was gonna say, I think that that is their like, I feel safe and comfortable. She really likes what she's feeling. And now he's turned on. And then it's a cyclical good thing. Yeah.

So I want you to bring that passion and enthusiasm even though you haven't known him for five years. I think you've got it in you, Jen.

Thank you.

I'm feeling that energy because it's energy.

It's like nerves though. I do feel like I'm like, oh my gosh. Like I do all of these things, but I haven't had sex.

I think I'll be into it.

I also think that relate coming from the relationship standpoint and my therapist did give this information to me and I think it's useful. Let's be realistic too. So your relationship with this guy was not good. It was toxic emotionally.

The five year.

Yes.

And your sex was very passionate. Because a lot of times sex, passionate sex can be come from like a desperation. Like you're really trying to hold on to something tight. And so it's. The passion just lives there. And my therapist said to me, I had a man that I was with for a while. We had the best sex ever. My husband and I, we have great sex, but I wouldn't compare. The sex was different. It was more passionate with this guy. And you need to. It's more healthy to be in like more of a balanced situation where you do have passion in your sex.

Obviously.

But that's not the only place. It sounds like your relationship with the ex was very extreme. You want to find the balance of like passionate sex and a regular, steady, healthy, safe, emotional.

Yeah. You said it was five or a few years ago. Yeah, the five years. So you're also at a different place too. So our bodies change over time, you know, more now you're older, more confident. So yeah, I'm not worried. I think I can't wait to hear about the, the next thing. I feel good.

Thank you.

I feel good about both of you. You guys. I have five quickie questions to ask both of you. You each have to answer. Okay. But don't think about it too hard. These are quick. We're gonna go back and forth. Okay, ready? So, Lauren, what's your biggest turn on?

I like my breasts being touched.

Nice. Okay, Jen, your biggest turn on.

I like when someone kisses my neck.

Yes. Okay. Biggest deal breaker, Jen.

Being jobless.

Lauren, biggest deal breaker.

A bad relationship with, like, a close family, with family members.

Like, doesn't.

Like mom.

Yeah. Consistently, like, issues with everybody.

Okay, Lauren, what do you wear that makes you feel the sexiest?

Ooh, I like lacy lingerie. I like lace.

Lace is pretty. Yeah. Jen.

Satin.

Satin. Okay. What personality trait, Jen, do you look for most in a partner?

Humor, but also being more alpha than me, but with a sweet side.

Thorn.

I think alpha too, but I would say it more like, maybe this isn't a real thing, but I like a manly man. Like, throw a football, build hammer something into the wall, hang the tv. Chop wood. I like that. That because it represents, like, a caretaker.

Yeah.

And that's so. For me, that's symbolic.

Okay. Number one dating tip, Jen, be yourself. Be yourself. Okay.

Yeah, I have to piggyback on that because I cannot stand when women say, I'm not gonna. I can't text him back yet. I have to pretend I'm busy. No, don't pretend shit. Just do you.

That is so true. That's great advice. I think we all play games, but, like, once yourself, it's the sexiest thing when you take what you want in bed. When you ask someone out on a date. I think dimes are different right now. It's 2018. I think when we get. Go after what you want.

Also, this is not like the old days where, like, you had to call somebody and hope they were home. Like, everyone's got their phone in their hand. Respond.

Yeah.

Like, don't be.

Don't. You're busy. Your phone's literally in your hand.

You do you.

Oh, my God, I love it. Okay, Jen Golden. Lauren Leonelli. You can find them. It's complicated podcast on AfterBuzz TV every Wednesday, 6:00pm yes. They talk about everything. You can find them at Complicated show on Instagram. Congratulations on your 150th episode.

Thank you. Congratulations on your Sirius XM show.

Thank you. It's really. It's been awesome. So where else. That's all the. That's where they can find you at Complicated show on Instagram. Thank you so much for being here, you guys. All right, we are going to take a quick break and we come Back. We're getting into your emails.

I love answering your questions. It's why I exist on the planet. So you can send an email feedbackexwithemily.com, go to the website sex with emily.com, click the Ask Emily tab. Include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. And Jamie's here to read the emails with me, which I love.

Hello. Okay.

Hello, Jamie.

Okay, so this one is from Jess, who's 24 in Pennsylvania. Dear Emily, I've been married for a year and a half. My partner and I have had issues before with mismatched libidos, but we're usually able to work it through. Lately, he hasn't been in the mood at all and has told me to just initiate or entice him. But it's really hard to figure out what he wants or likes. He's my second partner, but he's had a lot more partners than I have, so I feel really inexperienced and, like, I have no clue what I'm.

Hey, Jess. So here's the thing about this question. I think a lot of us think that there's some point we get to in life where we feel like, oh, I've had enough lovers and enough partners, and I'm so experienced. But each partner gives us a new opportunity to learn. I don't want you to beat yourself up by feeling that you're inexperienced and you know what you're doing. Every time we have a new partner, it's hard to know what to do. You just need to find out more information here. You have to ask him when he says to you, I want you to initiate more. How the hell are you supposed to know what that looks like? It's gonna look different to everybody. So ask him and say, how would you like me to initiate? Just get some more information around that so you know what turns them on. It can also help to schedule sex so it's easier for both of you to know, like, sex is happening on this day, and then you're, like, building up to it. You know, Saturday night's your night, and that's when it's gonna happen. So the both of you essentially need to be talking more. You know, I say communication is lubrication. And prioritize your pleasure. Prioritize the pleasure in the relationship. So you're both. Both getting what you want. You're both on the same page. You figure out how often you want to have sex, what times of days work for sex. You can't just figure this all out. On your own by him saying, I need this. And, you know, Mosso, what do you need? It sounds like if you haven't had a lot of partners, what a great time for you to figure out with him. Say, yeah, I can help initiate, but let's help me, babe figure out what I'm into, because I'm not even sure yet. So this is an exploratory mission you guys are on for a long time. You're married, so have fun with this sex. You know, I want you to take the pressure off both of yourself and say, you know what? We've only been together a year and a half. I want a long life of amazing sex. So let's start talking about it and figure out things that turned us both on and the best ways to have it and when to have it. So you got this, Jess.

Okay, this one is from Wes. Huh? Jess and Wes. From Wes, who's 32 in California. Hello, Emily, longtime listener of your podcast. I met a new woman and we hit it off very strong. We recently had very good sex and afterwards we laid there cuddling, getting to know each other a little more. She opened up to me about her past ex boyfriends and how they ruined her confidence in bed. She told me she has a very hard time achieving orgasms with intercourse, but has no problem achieving with her toy Bob battery operated boyfriend. I come from a pretty experienced sex lifestyle and have plenty of confidence in myself and I love to please. I'm a gentleman at heart and want to continue to see her. So how can I talk to her and better help her to achieve her orgasm with intercourse? Thank you.

Okay. Hey, Wes, you do sound like a gentleman and a lovely guy. So I like this because it sounds like you guys are experiencing some really good intimacy. I love that you're already talking about things and cuddling in bed and you've had good sex and she's opening up to you. So this all sounds great. So just know that these are two kind of separate things you're talking about, that her somehow her ex boyfriend have ruined her confidence in bed. I'm not really sure what happened there. And then separately, she's having a hard time achieving orgasms with intercourse, which I'm not. I can't tell here, but it doesn't sound like she used to be able to orgasm during intercourse. And now because she had past boyfriends who ruined her confidence, she can't. So I'm going to assume that she's never orgasm during intercourse because most women don't orgasm during intercourse. And so See, what I'm saying here is that, like, I don't know what happened with the ex boyfriend. So you can definitely be a great guide to her, treat her well, help her with confidence. If they were really, like, emotionally abusive, I'm sure you can do that. But the orgasms during intercourse thing is that it's not that you're going to be able to give her the orgasm. You can talk to her and say, I'd love to explore with you and figure this out, but if I were you, I would take the pressure off the orgasm with intercourse, maybe work on giving her some more oral sex and working on, like, figuring out what turns her on, what are her hot buttons. If she's had some problems in the past, she might really need to be able to learn to trust you even more so she can truly let go. Because when we come out of bad relationships, it can be hard and her walls might be up and she might be shut down. But if you're patient and you know you have a lot of experience, and then you should know that women can take some time to get comfortable and to settle in. So I would just start having a really open talk about intimacy and that you want to explore with her. And, you know, it's okay if she wants to bring Bob, her boyfriend, her toy boyfriend, to bed, but also to play around, see how she masturbates, then you could provide some pleasure. But I wouldn't get tripped off on the whole orgasm during intercourse things, because I'm telling you, that can set up a lot of women up for failure. Feeling like they're just never gonna do it, they're not gonna get there. But talking about giving her some amazing pleasure and learning and exploring together, that I'm all on board with. Thank you, Wes, for that email.

Okay, we have a fellow Emily, who's 27 in New Mexico, and she writes, Dear Emily, I'm hoping to get some advice from you. I have my third first date ever on Friday, and I'm very nervous. I've been in serious relationships before, but have only started them with people I'm already friends with. I'm trying to branch out and date new people. The guy I'm seeing Friday seems great and I'm excited, but my question is, how do I navigate the conversation on a first date? I know I shouldn't hide things, but I also feel like there's a time and place for certain subjects, like baggage. Thank you for everything that you and your team do. Listening to your podcast this last year has really helped me gain self Confidence and made me realize it's okay to see a therapist, which your podcast practice.

Finally helped me do.

Oh, I'm so glad, Emily. That makes me really happy to help a fellow Emily and to help everybody and realize that, yes, therapy is okay. We all need a little therapy. So this totally makes sense, Emily, about dating, that you're, like, you know, a little nervous, and you just want to keep the confidence up. Think about with this is that I know it's a lot of pressure to have a first date and, like, how do you do it? But how would you. What if it happens when you connect with someone at a party or when you're at a friend's barbecue and you don't know anyone? It's really the same kind of thing. Thing being yourself, being open and just kind of talking, asking questions. It's really good to be a good listener and to ask a lot of questions. I don't think you want to reveal everything on the first date, and not just because you probably wouldn't reveal everything to a new friend on the first time you meet them. So it's really about finding more about this person and also revealing the things about yourself that you love or things you like doing and seeing if you guys are compatible and really also paying attention. I think that this is a great tip that I. I used to be so much about on dates. Like, oh, I just want this person to like me, right? I'm gonna say things and do things so they like me. And that felt right. But then I thought about, like, well, I'm also here on this date. Like, you're both trying to figure out if you guys are a match. So do your best to bring your best self to the table when you're with him and, like, and just kind of really pay attention to the words that he's saying. Like, do they match up with your values? Does it feel like someone that you could spend some time with, you know, so make it less about. I don't know. I guess just trying to impress and just being yourself. And that's very different than revealing everything. Because I know as women with our friends, we're like, oh, can we connect by talking about everything that's bad and wrong? That's how women connect a lot of, like, all of our suffering. But with him, I think just make it light and be honest and try not to be too stressed about it. Take a few deep breaths. Do what you do that can relax. And I think it's even nice to let him know that you're nursing. I mean, I think that there's nothing more authentic and real than saying, oh, this makes me nervous sometimes to talk. I mean, I think that's the realest thing that you can say and it'll put you at ease. So be curious, ask questions and be yourself. And just remember, it takes practice. So just know that if you leave a first date and if you feel this, leave this date, it doesn't feel great. Keep going out. It's like everything in life, dating is a muscle and if we don't use it over time, it can get kind of shaky. And if you've never done it, then you're building it up right now, Emily. So it's not your first or last date. So just do your best and keep getting out there. So thanks for that question, Emily. That's a really good question. Okay, hope you guys enjoy the show. God, I love talking to Jen and Lauren and I love all of you. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedbackexwithemily.

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