Sex Life Energy with Christian Cristiano

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Acupuncture moves blocked energy. Think of it that way, because the life force energy is tied up with our sexual energy and when we don't come, it builds. There's life force in the semen and when a guy comes, he's losing life force. And if you think about it, it makes sense because there's sperm, there's actual the thing that gives life in the semen. Whereas when a woman comes, even if she comes outwardly, she's not coming. An egg?

No.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by acupuncturist and master of Chinese medicine, Christian Cristiano to talk about energy, acupuncture and how it all can affect your sex life. Plus, I'm answering your emails. Topics include, do you know every organ stores some kind of energy or emotion? Well, it does. And here's how to understand it and use it. So you love the dynamic you have with your partner in the bedroom, but how do you also bring that into other parts of the relationship? So is the difference between morning orgasms and evening orgasms. And you're attracted to men and women sexually, but not romantically. What does that mean? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them.

In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like it shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. you're gonna love our site. You can also find me on Sirius XM Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, which is fun on Stars 109 for some more fun sex talk. I can also answer your calls. You can call in any night even if you don't have a subscription to Triple 894-78277. Or get a free 30 day subscription at sexwithemily.comsxm and find us on all social media wherever you're hanging out at Sex with Emily. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I'm very excited to welcome my guest and my dear friend, Christian Cristiano.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi. He's an acupuncture, a healer. You have master of Science in traditional Chinese medicine.

I do indeed.

And so Christian, here's the background. He wasn't always my. I mean, we met through my need for healing, for help. I was having a lot of back pain. I have like a slipped disc. Was this like a year and a half ago now? Two years.

A year and a half.

And it was like I tried everything. And here's what I've realized. Like, people like acupuncture, I'm like, God, does that work? Does that really work? Which is what literally everyone says. But how do you know if it works? Does it work? And I'm here to tell you, and it's helped with a lot of other things. We've dealt with some hormonal challenges, anxiety, and I know that it's really worked. But first, for our friends who might be a little bit more skeptical or not even sure what it Means. Can you just explain what is acupuncture?

Sure. So acupuncture has its own system. There's a meridian system, there's a bunch of points on the body, and we learn all the different pathways in the channels and where those points exist. So people always ask, is it like the nervous system? Is it like the circulatory system? And the answer is no, it is its own system.

So, like, its own system. Like what? Like energy.

Of course, we deal with qi. We deal with the flow of energy, which we call qi in Chinese medicine. And acupuncture helps to unblock blockages. So in your case, Emily, you had back pain, and the little needles go into the muscles. They tell the muscles to relax and sedate. So that's a musculoskeletal issue. Right. But for something more internal, then we affect the energies inside the body a little bit more. Like if it's insomnia. Right. Or anxiety. That's way different from back pain.

Exactly.

So we choose different needles and different points.

We've always talked about having you on the show, but we're reading some articles like, is the key to revitalizing your sex life acupuncture? And I just found this to be like, we got to get Christian in here to talk about this. And the article says essentially, yes, yes, it is great for it, because acupuncture starts with the root of the problem. Can we talk about the difference of that? Like dealing with the root, like the mind, body connection is the root.

Yes.

And not necessarily acupuncture goes to the root, where if you go to your western, like if I went to my doctor, they might say to me, for my back, which they did. Take an aspirin to thin your blood every day for a month, or have surgery or deal with the symptoms, the pain.

Right.

But acupuncture doesn't necessarily do that.

Well, we do. We deal with the symptoms, which we call the branch. So picture illness as a tree. Right? The branches and the leaves, those are the symptoms. But the roots underneath the tree, that's what we want to treat to get the person better. So if 10 people go to their Western doctor and let's say they're having an upset stomach, digestive problems, the Western MD might give all 10 of them medication to help fix their digestive problems. Whereas with us, all 10 of them are going to have a different pattern. Right. Because everyone is different. So let's use the example of an old lady who's 80 and really thin and frail, comes in with an upset stomach as Opposed to a young man who's got a red complexion. Those are very different problems. She's probably more deficient, a little more weak. So we have to tonify and strengthen her to get her digestive system to work again. You with me?

Yep.

Whereas the other guy might be like a little bit, you know, partying. Too much. Too much energy. We want. Exactly. We want to calm him down. Clear heat, maybe from his body to help with his digestive system. So that's kind of the biggest difference between the western and the eastern models. And ideally, they work together. There's a time and a place for both of them.

Okay, so what about dealing with. I mean, because I know this is true, that, you know, stress. We know, huge, you know, stress messes with your hormones, right? Absolutely. It diminishes your sex drive. You know, lack of motivation to have, you know, to have sex for people with penises. They say anxiety is linked to premature ejaculation. There's a lot of sexual challenges that we all have. How can acupuncture help with that?

Well, if the sexual challenges are happening because of anxiety, then we treat anxiety.

Okay.

We get rid of the anxiety, and then the person will have a better sexual function. But there's deeper problems often with sexual issues. So if the issue is erectile dysfunction, for example, very often that's rooted in, like, a kidney deficiency. So we will treat the kidneys to strengthen the energy of the kidneys, and that will actually help with their erectile dysfunction.

Okay, and you've seen that happen. You've had patients and you go and you put the needles. Yeah.

Yes. But let me just say this. To actually add energy to the body, we usually have to use herbs. So if a guy comes to me who's 55 or 60 years old, and he's having erectile dysfunction, and he's had it for, like, five years or 10 years. I'm gonna have to put him on herbs also.

Because you're also an herbalist.

Because I'm also an herbalist. Exactly. And acupuncture moves blocked energy. Think of it that way. We can tonify. We can add a little bit of energy with the needles. But if someone's deficient, if the problem lies in deficiency, then we gotta give them herbs to strengthen their body, to strengthen their kidneys.

So it's not just, like, one thing. Can we explain the difference between, like, the feminine energy and the masculine energy? The Y and the yang?

Absolutely. So everything has yin and yang, Right? So think of yang as the middle of the day, 12 noon. Sun is pounding down on the surface. That's the most Yang time of the day. The most yin time would be like in the middle of the night, two in the morning, the moon is out, the dew is on the grass. So that. That's the difference between physical body. The Yang is the surface of the body, the skin, the muscles, movement. The yin is like the blood nourishment.

So you're talking about the blockage of the energy. Like, I know when you put the needles in me. So, okay, so my experience, I've gone in there first, it was like back stuff, which has totally helped. I feel when I'm lying there, it's not that it hurts, but you put the needles in and I'm lying down, first of all, it's so relaxed. What I love is that it's like an hour to myself. Except for we became fast friends and we would talk a lot. But then, you know, I love when you're like, breathe in and then you're like, breathe out into the table and like, let yourself relax in. And I feel like that's helped me so much just to lie there with the needles. But when you first put them in, I can feel you're like, oh, it hurts. But, like, is it a. What do you say? Is it a dull pressure pain? Pressure pain. Achieve pain. Yeah.

Right. Or a sharp pain.

Yeah. And then I feel like it's. If I breathe into it, it's like I feel the energy moving from that area through my body, and then I just breathe into it and it doesn't hurt. And so I know I can feel the energy moving around, like the tightness or what the. You know, wherever the problem lies. And so that's how it works.

Absolutely. Because in your case, we're unblocking energy and we're sedating and calming down those muscles. Right. So someone who has pain, whether it's back pain, shoulder, knee, the muscles around that area are going to tense up. So in that case, the needle goes into the muscle and tells the muscle, it's okay, relax. So 20, 30 minutes later, the muscles sedate, they calm down, and then they stop pulling on the vertebrae in your case. And so you feel better. Right. Whereas with internal medicine, like a sexual dysfunction thing that we talked about, that's a little bit different.

Okay.

Okay. So there's. We take the pulse. There's three positions on the pulse, and one of them tells me what's going on with the kidneys. So if a guy comes in who's. Let's say a young guy comes in and this actually happened between 25 and 30 years old. I take his pulse and his kidney pulse is weak. Once I build trust with him, I'll ask him, are you coming? How often are you coming? And if he's like, oh, yeah, twice a day or two or three times a day, that's very depleting on the kidneys. The kidneys govern the hair, they govern the ears, and they govern the knees. So that's another giveaway. If someone comes in with issues with any of those three things and their kidney pulse is weak, I'll ask that question. And very often they're like, oh, yeah, I'm coming, like, you know, five times a week. And if a guy is older, like in his 40s, like my age, 40s or 50s, it's even more damaging. Right.

So let's talk. Right. This is important.

Yeah. So, like, there's life force in the semen. And when a guy comes, he's losing life force. And if you think about it, it makes sense because there's sperm, there's actual the thing that gives life in the semen. Whereas when a woman comes, even if she comes outwardly, she's not coming. An egg.

No.

Right, right.

There goes another one, right? No, not at all.

Right, right. And that's why we learn.

We hatched an egg, right? Yeah.

That's why we learn in school to, like, learn to control and contain. And that's why Sufis and mystics and spiritual healers through from the beginning of time limit how much they come. And that's why spiritual teachers often don't come at all, which is part of, like, becoming a part of the clergy, for example, or even like a Buddhist monk, they don't have sex. That's part of why. Because the life force energy is tied up with our sexual energy. And when we don't come, it builds.

Right.

So I'll get a guy who's young and I'll be like, you know, you can come maybe once a day or every other day. Whereas a guy my age in his 40s, 50s, and 60s, I'll tell him, try to come maybe a couple times a week.

Okay. But not every day.

But not every day. And I know that goes against a lot of the prostate.

No, I. Well, here's the thing. I'm so glad you're here, Christian, because I don't get into this often on the show because it is a little bit. You know, I think it can be. It's a whole, like. It's like kind of the Taoist practices of wherever it Is like, what do you mean I can't calm. I'm not gonna tell you because I do think it's healthy to masturbate than not. But it is true. As you get older, there are many fields of thought, schools of thought, and yours included that like, no, limit it a little bit. It'll help you with focus, concentration, your health.

Yes.

Come just three times and not seven times a week.

Absolutely. And if a guy is coming two or three times a day, it's. It's damaging no matter what age. It's damaging to the kidneys, it's damaging to the life force energy. And very often they'll tell you when they come, they're exhausted afterwards.

Right.

You know where women are like, I feel awake now. Let's go again. Very often the guy's like, I'm just gonna pass out right about now.

Exactly.

Part of that is they've lost life force energy.

And so for women. Yeah. It is true, though. They say, like, women can have like 260orgasms a day and it's like, fine.

That's why.

Yeah, exactly. That's the one thing we get. We get. No, we get a lot, but we have a lot of other pain and suffering. But we can come as much as we. As much as we want to. So what about emotions and stuff that we store in our bodies? Like fear, for example, anxiety. How does that work with what you do?

So every emotion is attached to an organ, and fear happens to be attached to kidneys. Right. So if someone's experiencing a lot of fear, a lot of worry, that weakens the kidney qi and the spleen qi, actually. Whereas the lungs are grief. So if somebody is dealing with a lot of grief, very often the lungs take. Take a hit. Yeah. And the heart. The heart is joy or sorrow. Right. The spleen is worrying, overthinking. And the liver and the gallbladder is anger, frustration. So if somebody is chronically angry and frustrated all the time, they don't know why. A liver cleanse is probably in order.

Okay. A liver cleanse, meaning they would do a cleanse and they'd come and see you and they would do some kind of.

Sure.

That's amazing. So this is where you would put the. I'm thinking I want a little bit.

Of all of those.

Have we done all those on me?

Not yet.

No.

No.

I want to cleanse some. I'm not that angry. I think I should be more angry about what? I have anger issues. I don't know. I think I repressed my anger. I didn't see a lot of anger demonstrated in my home. And so I feel like I anger something that I think I. Sometimes I turn inward.

Yep. A lot of. Most of us do.

And so that. But I think the grieving thing is interesting. We just had a caller who's going through some grief, and. Wow. I mean, I think this could really help anybody. You know, she was saying that she just hasn't felt it yet. So it kind of starts to move. And you can't just go once.

Yeah.

You have to go, like, repeatedly every week.

Yeah. I always say it's Chinese medicine. It's not Chinese magic.

Exactly. Right. It's like everything, though.

Yes.

And so I found by, like, going to. You going to Pilates, you know, strengthening the whole. The whole back thing. But let's talk about. Okay, so go back to this for a minute. What about people who are storing, you know, like, emotions? Right. Like. Like, do you ever find that people. Things come up that we just. Like, we store stuff, like in our. Our pelvic area for women, our uterus. Right.

Yes.

We store things there. So that would help.

Yes.

What has happened? What have you seen happen with some of your patients?

I've seen it all. And. And one of the things that's pretty common with new patients is they will cry, they'll get on the table, I'll give them acupuncture, and they'll come in feeling fine. Maybe they've got pain somewhere in their body. Their shoulder hurts. I'll treat them, get the needles in. They're resting, and then they'll feel emotional, and they'll start to cry, and they'll be like, why am I crying? This is weird. I felt fine before I got in here. And I tell them it's normal. It's because we store energy in the body, like you just said, Emily. And the acupuncture moves that energy, and then people are able to release those emotions. So it's something we can't really prove with science that. I mean, we can prove that stress causes problems. That we've definitely proven, right?

Absolutely.

But we can't prove with science that untreated or unexpressed emotions causes illness or cancer or anything else. But I believe.

I believe it does that.

It can.

It can.

I think environmentally is also definitely a big part of it. Do you exercise? Do you eat? Well, it's all a part of it. But emotions is just as important as all those other pieces.

Right. And a lot of us are not taught how to process emotions.

We're not taught to process, especially anger.

Yeah.

In this society, we are supposed to be happy and pretty all the time. No one's really learned how to do anger.

Right. It's true. So I'm not alone there. Because we're afraid of anger. Or maybe our parents were so angry that we are afraid of anger or they weren't angry so we don't have to be angry.

Exactly.

It's just scared because we're going to be, you know, someone's going to leave us out and then we'll feel like ultimately unlovable.

That's right.

Yeah. That's amazing to me. So when we talk about like the science between acupuncture's effect on sex, so we know that stress can mess through. So this is all hormonal stuff too. Messes with your hormones, diminishing your sex drive, physiologically, lack of motivation to engage in sex. So it says here it's an effective solve against these psychological blockades with anxiety being the main issue. So if someone comes in, like let's say they. Oh, the other thing is, if they're coming in, anxiety is a huge killer of our sex drive. And what is the underlying cause? Well, for many people, it's because they don't have that desire anymore. They can't have orgasms. Or they're also on medications. People on anti anxiety medications or they're on antidepressants, I've also seen can come get acupuncture to help with lessen those side effects.

Yes, especially SSRIs.

Okay, so let's talk about that for a minute because how many two out of five people are on SSRIs now?

Yes.

We're talking about, was it serotonin reuptake inhibitors for depression, Zoloft, Prozac, all those things. So. So for all these sex things, and these are a lot of this people, like there's always like five reasons why people don't have. It's anxiety, side effects of medication, depression, loss. But all of these could help. So. Exactly. So specifically to point out SSRIs, how would this, how would acupuncture work with that? We're taking a medication and we don't have desire, orgasms.

Okay, so first of all, like I said earlier, there's a time and a place for western medications. Right. So very often SSRIs are needed. In that case, if someone's been on SSRIs for many years and their sexual function is depleted or lowered, we would have to get them on herbs. If they would take Chinese herbs and space it out from when they Take their medication. They don't take them at the same time. So the Chinese herbs would then come in and they would tonify and strengthen the kidney qi, which is the root of the life force and the sexual energy.

Okay.

Yeah. And it's possible if they've been on SSRIs for not very long, that acupuncture alone can help with the sexual function. But chances are good if they've been on them for a long time.

What's a long time?

Probably more than three years.

Okay.

I would say then we would have to also get them on an herbal formula.

And the herbal formula would counter. It's okay to take those along with SSRI.

That's right. They would not affect the SSRI's at all. As long as you space it out, tell your doctor you're going to do it, it would be fine.

Okay, that's good to know. Because I feel like that is one of the biggest. One of the biggest problems that people have around one of them we hear from or just any medications, you know, that that feels like it's a bummer. Like I'm happier, I'm less stressed, but I can't have an orgasm and I never want to have sex.

Right.

So what about. Also the other thing is that I know when I started hearing about acupuncture, before I actually did it, it was a lot of friends who were trying to get pregnant, how it helps with fertility. And I feel like that's really become more common for people, too.

Yes.

And it's kind of the same thing to how does it work to kind open up women?

When we do acupuncture on people, the needles will guide the energy to different places. In the case of a woman trying to get pregnant, we use fertility points. So there's different points on the body that actually bring the flow of qi or energy and blood to the uterus and strengthen and warm the uterus. Now, herbs also could be helpful. Sometimes women will get pregnant with just acupuncture alone, but sometimes they'll need both, depending on their age, depending on if they've tried before, if they already lost babies. If women are out there that have lost babies and have miscarried, I strongly encourage you to get acupuncture and herbs. It can help support your body.

Absolutely. And I think now Western medicine is actually coming around. Like, even health plans are like, we will cover acupuncture. I'm like, thank God. I find it fascinating. And I'm telling you, it has helped me. I'm with Christian Cristiano Find him on.

His Instagram, which is Cristianoheals.

Okay. We're gonna also have that in the show notes@sexwithemily.com and we both posted sexy photos today. Not on purpose, but. No, Yours, you said was inspired by coming on the show.

Definitely was.

Cause he's good looking, man.

Also.

Okay. So I also came in there initially I came for the back, but then I stayed because I was having some night sweats and I was having some. You know, I always have anxiety. That's when you put them in my ears, the needles in my ears. And you really did help me. I feel like nothing was helping me with this. I wasn't really. I didn't know what to do. And then you did give me these herbs that I swear by. And I take like three a day and I don't have the sweats anymore. So I feel like. Why no one knows. What's with the Chinese herb? Can you explain this?

Definitely. Well, I mean, most drugs also come from different plants and different substances that come from the earth, even pharmaceuticals. So Chinese herbs are basically just leaves and twigs and branches that are granulated into a fine powder and then mixed up in a drink or put into capsules. And there's all kinds of different categories for herbs. Some of them tonify blood, some of them tonify cheese, some of them clear heat, some of them clear cold. There's all kinds of different types of Chinese herbs. And it's been studied for 6,000 years.

Exactly. That's amazing to me. And I feel like you had to, like, go to school for this for a long time. Study all the herbs and all the needles.

I don't wish it upon my enemies.

No, but it was. I mean, but right now, do you feel like it's changed in the last years? How many years?

I've been in acupuncturist now for 11 years.

Okay.

Yeah.

Has it changed? I mean, I know we're in California, so it's hard to say, but do you feel like there's been a little bit more acceptance around it or understanding?

Definitely. From both the Western medical community and just from the general population, for sure. And there's certain things, like you mentioned women's issues, amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, any problems with the period, menopause, digestive problems, fertility issues. Those are really strong suits.

Okay.

Those things we can definitely help with. Then there's other things that are a little more challenging, like high blood pressure, really hard to treat. It's treatable, but it's hard to treat.

Okay.

There's other things, too, that are harder to treat.

Then what would you say are the main things that people come to or do you have? Yeah, I want to hear the main things. Any kind of pain, then I want to hear, like, a great case study story besides me.

Okay. So number one is pain. Any kind of pain in the body. We can help with pain. That we have proven with science. You stick needles in the body, endorphins are released, the pain level goes down. Digestive issues, probably. Number two, Women's issues. Infertility, amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, Any pms? I mean, I have women who come to me who've had horrible PMS, cramps. They're 35 years old. They've had them their whole life, and they're gone within a few months. Wow. It's really effective for that kind of stuff.

Yeah. Okay. That's amazing to me.

Yeah.

Okay. Right? Okay, Christian, thank you so much for this advice here. I really wanted to open up my audience because they're everywhere. They're all over the country. You can buy acupuncture, and it's a real thing, and it worked. I have to ask you now. I have a quickie questions that we ask all of our guests.

Okay.

Are you ready for that?

I'm ready.

All right. What is your biggest turn on?

My biggest turn on confidence and someone who can make me laugh.

That was two.

Biggest turn off. You can do it.

People who are mean to the waitstaff or any service people.

Yes.

Hate that.

Okay, Number one, sex tip.

Number one, sex tip. Gosh. Be patient with each other. You know, be patient.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Sex and.

Or I would probably tell my younger self to have a little more fun. I was kind of uptight when I was younger.

Yeah.

You know, same. Yeah.

Can relate.

Yeah.

We're covering type A personality here. What's your favorite personality trait in another person?

Probably kindness.

Thank you, Christian. Anything else? Oh, your retreat, which I totally want to go to your retreat. Let's talk about that for a minute.

All right.

Acupuncture by Christian is your website. And the retreat, when is it? February.

It's February 11th through the 16th, 2020. It's going to be meditation, acupuncture, really healthy food and breath work and yoga. Can't forget yoga. It's going to be those five things.

Okay. I love it. I want to be there. Okay. Thank you, Christian, for being here. All right, we're going to take a quick break, and then we Come back. We're going to get into your email questions.

All right, guys. So fun answering your questions. So thank you, everybody, for emailing them. If you want it answered on the show, go tosex with me.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, or just email me feedbackextwithemily.com, but please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. All right, guys. Thank you. Okay, Jamie, want to read the emails?

Of course. Okay, this first one comes to us from Erin, 20, in Montana. Hi, Emily. I absolutely adore your show. I listen to it every day. I recommend it to all my friends. Ever since I was in high school, I've been attracted to boys and girls. I think about women sexually, not as much as men, and would definitely have sex with a woman without a second thought, but I'm not romantically into women at all, only men. Is this normal? Is it possible to be heteroromantic but bisexual? Thank you so much.

All right. Okay. Thank you, Erin, for this question. I like how self aware you are at 20 and realizing that, like, you know, you're just trying to figure it out, that you're exploring your attraction to both boys and girls, men and women. Perhaps not yet. Have you been romantically attracted to women? Because I think as women raised in society as we are today, a lot of us are kind of brought up with the whole fairy tale. Men are the ones who romanticize us. Cinderella, find the glass slipper. Like, the men are doing all of that stuff. So in your mind, it might be more tricky to think of yourself being romantically attracted to a woman because maybe that's never been modeled to you. You've never seen that. And so I would say just keep going towards, you know, people that interest you, people you're attracted to, and you don't have to make any decisions. Right now, I'm all about not labeling yet. So just know that you're on an exploratory mission right now. You don't have to have all the answers. And you might just be surprised what you find once you realize that romance and sex isn't necessarily what we have pictures of in our mind, but it's more we let go of expectations and let yourself experience these relationships in the moment with each person, no matter what their gender. Thanks, Erin, for your question.

Okay, this next one comes to us from Nicole, who's 22 in Canada. Hi, Emily. I'm a huge fan of the show. I recently listened to your podcast episode on balancing your sexual energies. I Am more of a masculine energy in my daily life. I'm a high achieving student, work three jobs, pay my own way, and a girl who just likes to get things done. My boyfriend, however, is more laid back, doesn't have much drive, and just a go with the flow person in the bedroom. However, our roles switch as his masculine energy is predominant and my feminine energy is predominant. I love his masculine energy and would love to see more of that outside of the bedroom. For example, with him planning dates, having more passions, etc. I don't know how to have this discussion with him without making it sound like he's unmotivated or lazy, which is not true. I recommend that he listen to this episode of your podcast to start a conversation, but I was wondering if there's any tips on how to have this discussion so I get more of his masculine energy outside of the bedroom.

All right, this is such a good question, Nicole. We've gotten a lot of responses from people who really enjoyed that episode. Jamie, what was it called?

Balancing your sexual energy.

Okay, balancing your sexual energies. And so what we were talking about is that a lot of men and women, no matter what gender you are, we all have a masculine and a feminine energy. And for many women who are working hard, doing their own thing, we tend to be more masculine in our day to day lives. Men can be masculine too, obviously, and then we all have a feminine side. And for women, you know, a lot of them, we want to be more feminine in the bedroom, which would mean that we'd want our more masculine energy from our partner, whether it's a man or woman. Because if you have two feminine energies in the bedroom or two masculine energies in the bedroom, it's polarizing. So you need to have the balance. So I understand what you're saying about your boyfriend. You love his energy and you want to see it outside the bedroom. So now this is the thing. You guys are both. I'm going to assume you're in your early 20s. He probably just doesn't have a lot of experience planning dates, having more passions.

And he might be a little bit lazy or unmotivated right now at this point in his life. The problem is it's very hard to motivate someone. I'm sure his parents are saying, get a job, get off the couch or be more motivated. I'm sure he probably knows that about himself. But for you, I feel like you're modeling a certain type of behavior that he's attracted to. Now, it could be because it's the opposite of what he is. And he loves that you're such a go getter and get things done. But he's very set in his ways of being kind of chill and unmotivated. But you have to remember that, like it's a very tricky case because if you tell him that, like I think it'd be really hot if you went out and got a job or started cleaning up around the house, you know, he's not going to feel so great about it. He's going to feel like you're nagging at him, maybe like his mother does. So I just want to say that people do change throughout their lifetime. I know a lot of people who were kind of a little bit lazier in the early 20s and they kind of get it together. He might be one of those guys, he might not be one of those guys. But I really not sure what you could say to him that isn't going to, you know, if you say to a guy, I need you to be more masculine in our day to day lives, he definitely could take that as offense. So I would say the best example would be to tell him that when you, you really like when he takes the lead on planning dates, you wouldn't even need to get into this part with him. But say I love when I you tell me Friday night you've got a plan and we're gonna be doing that plan. Or I love when you talk about things that excite you. Let him know that I come home every night really excited about my job and what I'm doing, but I want to hear what makes you happy. And maybe he'll be vulnerable and say, you know what? Lately I have been feeling not motivated. In fact, I'm a little depressed because to me, he has no passions. He's sitting around, he's not planning your dates. Maybe he's depressed, maybe there's something else going on. And so maybe by talking to him about how these things would really be inspiring and make you feel good, might get him to kind of wake up wherever he's at and realize, okay, I got to start taking him initiative, taking some initiative in my own life. But I think by kind of letting him know how it would make you feel to see those changes might be the impetus he needs to get off his butt and start moving. Tricky one though with the egos. But it's not tricky if you say it from a place of love and caring about him, which it is not like, you better get your shit together.

Yeah. I can just say from experience that I had this conversation with an ex In a very wrong way and it did not go down well. So.

Right. How not to do it.

So I wish I had that information when I had my situation. Anyways. All right, this next one comes to us from Carrie, who did not provide an age and location, but I guess that's fine.

Okay, fine. But not always fine. We love when you provide it and even occasion. It helps with context, you guys, to know your age.

Yes, for sure.

You can just say state. You have to say the city you're from, but it just helps.

Yeah. And if you're not really wanting to share, your age could also be like.

You know, 40 something.

Exactly. 40 something.

We're done.

All right.

Okay.

Dear Emily, I have recently found a partner that has changed my sex life and rocked my world. We've listened to your podcast together and love it. But I have an odd question. Sometimes my stomach gets gassy and bloated during sex and greatly impacts my ability to enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like I have to poop while in the act of vaginal penetration and this completely destroys my focus and pleasure. Then when I go to the bathroom, it's all pure gas. I know this is super embarrassing and awkward, but I'm curious to know if I'm the only woman having this stomach conflict with sexual pleasure or if I need to see a doctor of sorts. I have not spoken to my partner about it as it's simply too embarrassing for me. I just want to feel amazing to have sex anytime, and I feel this has hindered me too often for my own pleasure. Thank you for any help you can provide.

All right, Carrie. Okay. So my thing here is we often hear people, if they want to go to the bathroom, they want to poop after anal. But for vaginal. I'm just wondering if there's something else going on here. Like, because first of all, when you're having penetrative sex, it can push air up into the vagina or the anus. That's when air becomes trapped. It can cause gas related pain and bloating in your upper abdomen and chest. So that could be part of it. You could try different positions that are closer in proximity so there's not as much like, in and out motion that could really allow the gas to build, like shallow thrusts, not really deep thrusts. Doing your Kegels can help build your pelvic floor more so so you feel a little bit stronger in there. Like, you can tense and relax and help facilitate orgasm. But I also want to know how is your digestion overall? Like, have you ever been, you Know, checked out. Are your bowels normal? Do you feel like this is the only time it's happened? Are there certain foods that have been triggering it? Check out a few of these things here. Could be the penetrative sex, could be some other gastrointestinal challenges you're having. But just know this is nothing to be embarrassing about. Embarrassed about sex is messy sex. There's a bunch of noises and things that happen during sex that aren't always the most perfect thing in the world. In fact, sex that the messiness of sex is what makes it beautiful. So just try not to trip on that and keep yourself in the moment with your partner and that might help you as well.

Okay, and this last one comes to us from Beth, 26. In the United States, is it common to quickly and easily have orgasms during morning sex, but struggle to find them during more intense, longer lasting sex? At other times of the day, I feel that it should be the opposite since in the morning there's no warm up involved, but simply just getting down to it. I almost always get off super quick in the morning with different partners and in different positions. Usually it takes a while for me to climax during sex. At other times of the day, I've tried clearing my mind and just focusing on my partner or fantasizing, but my mind is always a barrier for me. Do you have any tips on that? Thank you for in advance.

Well, yeah. Hey, Beth, what I thought when I read this is, wow. The reason why it's working for you in the morning is because you're so not in your head. You just woke up. You don't even have time to like. You know, they say that our mind is the most malleable in the morning. Like, it's the best time to get up and write and to do things where the most creative because you don't have all those internal critics and blocks that if they're not awake yet. So I feel like you're just way too in your head in the evening, which it sounds like you are. The fact that this is already like a problem to you. You're like, oh, I can only come in the morning, I can't come at night, means that you're already setting yourself up for an evening sex routine that's not gonna work. Then you're like, okay, I've gotta like make sure that I fantasize and get out of my head. And then it's not working. So you're probably being too focused on the orgasm in the evening. So what I would recommend is after your next morning sex routine that goes well, right? You're not thinking just how you know it's going to happen. Maybe afterwards you could think, well, what was I doing? Because really, if you think about it, the same movements, like, what was I doing? Like, walk. Not in the moment, because in the moment, if you try to think about what you're doing, that's going to be another distraction, but after, and then maybe that'll give you some inspiration for next time you're having sex in the evening and be thinking about like, oh, yeah, I know what this, I know what I did. And then maybe just kind of, if you could do your best just to not think about what's happened in the past at night and just think about what you were doing in that moment last time you had morning sex. But, but when we're really focused on orgasms and we're focused on the end outcome is when we keep ourselves from, from actually having orgasms. My best advice for you is when you're with a partner is to focus on being present with them. Have, you know, maybe you guys are looking to each other's eyes, your breath is seeking up, you're focusing on all the sensations, like, what's my body feeling? Keep going back to how you're moving, what you're smelling, what you're tasting, what you're feeling. And when you're focused on your sensations, there's like literally no way you could be in your head when you engage all five senses. So that's another thing that might help you get it on more to your liking in the evening. All right, Beth, thank you so much for the email and thank you everybody for your questions for participating in the show. Thank you to my friend Christian, the amazing healer, for being on this podcast. Thank you everyone for sharing the show with your friends, telling them if you liked an episode. You know, everyone's always asking, like, how do I get into good podcasts? Which podcast do you like? Share it with them. Let them know you think it'd be useful. A lot of you listen to it with your partners. That's really helpful as well.

So.

So we just appreciate you guys being fans of the show and supporting us as we move into our 15th year. All right, guys, thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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