Sex Life Hacks You Won’t Regret

We're not going to even try to have sex tonight. We're going to try to prioritize our energy, our connection. Right now, we're not going to prioritize, just the old in and out, turning the lights off, pounding away, no foreplay, rolling over, falling asleep.

You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to.

Help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. A stale sex life can cost us much more than our orgasms. When we stop physically connecting with our partners, we might grow resentful, distrustful, and uninvested in our relationship's future. And while it's common for sex with the same person to become monotonous over time, relationships need intimacy to survive. That's why today's show is all about spicing up your sex life. From a partner who doesn't want to open up about their sexual preferences to growing tired of the same old routine of I offer ideas from gamifying your sexual communication to taking penetration off the table. Intentions With Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to breathe new life into your sex routine. No matter what state yours is in. We can all be inspired by those who've made the changes necessary to improve theirs. Often, all you need to start is communication. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Sex Drive Boosting Workouts is up@sexwithemily.com oh plus remember, check out my gift guide Gifts for every Turn on Valentine's day Gift Guide 2023, both of which will be linked in the show notes. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Just leave your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, before we get in today's episode, I want to tell you about our partner, Odella Health. Odella is the very first virtual health clinic that solely focused on women's sexual health.

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Kind of like this. Take sex off the table. Sometimes I forget about things that I've talked about in a while and I was going back and I was looking at these old. These videos we have from like 10 years ago that I was answering emails, you know, answering your calls. And it's funny because even for me, I'm like, oh, yeah, that was a big part of what I used to say. Because just the pressure, like, oh, we all gotta have the sex. We gotta have the penis goes in vagina. Then we gotta get warmed up and I don't feel ready. Who defined that as being sexual anyway? Who decides that that is sex? That that is what means that we were intimate? We checked out the box. If I just gave you a back rub, that doesn't count. Oh, you went down on me. That doesn't count. That would certainly count. That would be a fine evening. But I think that our expectations around things and the way we built it up in our mind, like, oh, God, we have to have the sex that we just think, I'm going to do everything I can to avoid it. But what if you could think about this way, flip it and say, like, what feels good for me? Like, what would feel good? Like, I'm going to define sex as we take a shower together, my partner and take a bath together. And then we use this amazing massage oil and we just sort of lay around and we make out. We give each other a massage and then that's going to be our intimate moment. That's going to be it. Orgasms might happen, sure, but it's not all about penetration.

So.

So the point is, how are you thinking about, we haven't had sex in a while. What does that look like? Does it mean maybe you haven't made out in six months? Does it mean we haven't looked into each other's eyes? We haven't shared anything intimate. We just think it has to be the sex. Because you're always asking me, how many times a week, what does it look like? What are healthy couples having? And I would tell you that, first off, there's nothing that's normal. But I think one time a month isn't enough, I'll tell you that. This is from Don31 in Canada, longtime listener from Canada. I've been dating someone for a couple months. We get along famously. She's funny and sexy, the total package. Our sex life is good, but whenever we get intimate, she says that she's lazy and doesn't like to ask for.

What she wants in bed.

I've reassured her that she need not be shy and we should have open communication. Any tips on how we can improve this aspect of our relationship. This is, that's exactly one of the things I'm talking about here. Nobody likes to ask for what they want in bed. We all want our partners to be mind readers and to figure it out. I mean, I actually believe that. I used to think that my partners must be able to intuit from my body language exactly what I needed. And I thought that men were shipped off somewhere to a school and that in that men's school they learned everything about the female body. Because I had no idea. I mean really, that's how we don't have information about this. And so I think that you can work with her on this. Even telling her that she doesn't need to be shy. You should have open communication, make this fun. Okay, you could make this like I get what you're saying, but let's, let's.

I would just love to hear you.

Right now when we're not in bed. You know, let's talk about what you like. You could go to our site, you could download our yes, no maybe list. You guys could take that together. It's, it's, we just, we're going to be updating our new one shortly. But it's a, a list that lists all the sex things, everything on the table. Kissing, anal, foreplay, cuddling, and then you each tick yes, no, or maybe. I mean if she's lazy, she wouldn't mind laying down and clicking off the yes, no maybe list with you. But I believe that, you know, she should tell you you could also play a game, make a fun sex sex game. She likely doesn't know what she needs or has enough experience with her body to be able to ask for it. And that's just the majority of humans on the planet. So that would make sense. I don't think that she's probably holding withholding from you. Another great thing is, you know, I hope, I hope she masturbates. I hope everybody practices self loving. But if she hasn't yet masturbated or she's, you know, know, doesn't really know her own body, she only knows her body in relation to another human. That can also be challenging because maybe in her past relationships, her partners, they took all the control so she actually really doesn't have the language. So maybe some mutual masturbation would be hot. And do you know mutual masturbation is one of the top search term sex terms definitely on our site because we.

Talk about it a lot.

But in reading things that people are looking for online, people want to know about mutual masturbation, which delighted me. When I found that out, I was like, of course they do. It's the fucking best. You're like, you know, you're going to get off. You're learning from your partner what feels good to them. Maybe you get each other off. You switch hands, you. You get them off, they get you off.

But you're both.

You just. It's a sure thing, and it's a great learning tool. So we have another email that was along the same lines. This is from Rachel, 25, in Missouri, and she says, I've been having roadblocks that I can't seem to get over. My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years, and I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I mentioned to him your podcast and how it's helping me open up about sex with him and both of our desires. I'm stuck because I'm afraid I'm just too comfortable with him, if that makes sense. There's no excitement. He's stuck in his routine. I'm confused because I'm trying to spice things up. But now he's just, for lack of better word, but bored. I don't know what to do because this leads to other issues as well. So. That's a great point, Rachel. A lot of times when we stop having sex does lead to other issues. Or the other issues led to you not having sex. Sort of like a chicken and egg thing here, right? What happened first? That's why we have to look at our sex life holistically. How are you communicating? Was anything going on with you physically? Have you been drinking more? Are you not making time for each other? How's your health? Are you on a new medication that could be impacting it? The fact that you're having no excitement, you're stuck in a routine seven years, you're not good enough.

Okay.

Why do women do this more that we think it's our fault, we just automatically say we're not having sex? So I'm boring, My partner's bored. I must be boring. And I understand also, Rachel, that you're saying that I'm stuck because I'm just too comfortable with him. Yeah, that makes sense. Happens to every couple if they don't constantly keep it interesting and change it up and do something different. So one recommendation that I was thinking about, and this is particularly for couples who feel that lately sex is becoming a chore. I mean, usually there's someone who wants it more than the other one. There's the high desire partner and there's the low desire partner, and the low desire partner has all the power because they're the ones who get to decide when the sex is happening. So that's one thing. What if you're both bored, right? I mean, sex then becomes this thing that you're thinking, especially the low desire partner is going, oh God, I gotta get naked, I gotta get interested. And then if I don't have an orgasm, my partner's gonna be upset. And I didn't charge the toys, I didn't shave my leg. You know what I mean? All the things, it feels like a big deal. But what if you're never in the mood for sex? It can feel like it's hopeless. I understand that, but what about taking sex off the table? Taking intercourse off the table, PV sex, penis and vagina sex, penetrative sex. Because what happens is with our lower desire partner, any really partner, you do feel pressure and you might just want to be like, I just want a hand rub or a foot rub or a back rub. I just want to connect with you intimately. We're not going to even try to have sex tonight. We're going to try to prioritize our energy, our connection right now. We're not going to prioritize. Just the old in and out, turning the lights off, pounding away, no foreplay, rolling over, falling asleep. That's not going to be your arousal thinking about that kind of sex. Remember when you were in high school and it was so hot because maybe you weren't having sex yet or you were in the backseat of the car and you were making out and you couldn't quite have sex because either maybe you were in your home or your parents are coming home or you're in the car, whatever was happening. But it was exciting. It was a thrill grill. You can bring that back to your relationship. That might not even be something you want right now with your partner. Like, yeah, but I don't even feel like making out. Just say I'm going to massage your feet for 10 minutes and then you're going to massage a part of my body for 10 minutes. And what you'll find is you might just connect on that. And if you've made the rule that it's not about sex, that it's just a time where you're focusing on connection, who knows, maybe it'll lead to intercourse. That's cool. But what if you're like, em, we're not going to do that. We're going to try something else. We're going to try something else. So you might find yourself transitioning from sexual desire into whatever kind of sex. But I think that we have to remember that a barometer for good sex isn't just about orgasms and penetration. There's other ways you can keep it hot and interesting, especially if you put a little rule around it that we can't have intercourse and we have to get creative. So I'm going to help you. I have some more tips for that as well. I feel like we all need a little. Little inspo.

And let's talk to Greg 55 in Ohio. Greg, what's going on?

Hi, Dr. Emily.

Hi.

I just wanted to call back. We spoke the other day, and I was talking about trying to introduce my partner into interest in the bdsm, which I enjoy. I don't know if you remember or not.

I do. Well, tell me. Yeah, you were some. You want to be submissive, right?

I'm a submissive, yes.

And.

And you gave me some really good advice and did go to your website. And my partner and I, we did sit down and we went through. She said a little more to the conservative side at least. I kind of thought I found out a bunch of stuff about it, but I didn't know.

This is amazing, Greg. Okay, keep going.

Yeah. So I just wanted to call back and kind of let you know how things were progressing from that aspect. The advice you gave me was outstanding. We're talking on a different level now, and it helped bring her out of her shell and open up that conversation. And it was incredibly valuable to both of us.

Greg, I'm so happy to hear that. So can we just rewind? First off, I'm so glad you called to tell me how Atlanta. Because I don't know. We hang up, might not hear from you again. God, I hope Greg got his way. So could you watch Walk me through if you feel comfortable how it changed because you've been together for a while, right? How long have you been with your wife?

About four years.

Yeah.

You directed me to your website and a little to go through that you have of things you like or things you don't like. And yes, you know, your yes no's, your maybes, that type of thing. I did that and presented that tour and we sat down and we had a couple glasses of wine and talked through everything. And we went off in our own separate ways to kind of go through this. And we got back together and had a really good conversation and shared our discussions around us. And it's on a level that her and I have never really experienced before. In the communication side, talking about sex, it's been kind of uplifting for both of us. So it's opening up my eyes. It's kind of opened her eyes. And I'm excited to see where this is going to go. But you wanted me to call back and. And kind of let you know how things were progressing and where it was going.

I'm so happy that you can, like, turn around, See, it's possible. You know, you had the assumptions that she was a little more conservative, and you found out that she's got some stuff she's into. You know, we don't know until we talk about it.

I'm.

That's such a. I'm so happy. Greg, thank you for calling back in, and please keep me posted. You know, this is just the beginning, you know, of your. Of your sex life, of what's possible. What's the next step?

Yeah, I hope so.

What's the next step? What's going to happen this weekend?

Yeah, well, this weekend we're actually going away for a night. Tomorrow night we're going to go away and spend the night and just kind of become a little more intimate and talk more and figure out how we want to approach this going forward. You know, she has some things that she kind of wants to try.

Do you mind sharing with me one thing that you learned that she wants to try, that you were surprised?

You know, we talked about fantasies and things like that, and her one fantasy is she wanted to bring somebody into the bedroom with us. And, you know, it's like, okay, but I didn't realize that that was a really deep desire of hers. I'm willing and, you know, we've got to figure out and talk about how and where and who and the ground rules and that type of thing.

Thing.

But I explained to her that I would be more than willing to help her fulfill that fantasy. That's one of them. The other one is she wants to explore a bisexual relationship, which is something that I would have never guessed. So that one. We've got some more talking to do. I personally don't mind. It just kind of caught me off guard.

Right.

We're going to talk through that, and we're going to spend the weekend talking. My aspect is I enjoy BDSM elements. And prior to us being together, I had a dominatrix that I was with. That's how I was entered into the lifestyle. So she's open to reaching out, to watching a session to understand.

Craig, I couldn't even imagine. Look how far you've come. This is amazing to me, but it.

Was your advice that kind of broke that ice, and that's why I wanted to tell you that it opened both of our eyes to what we were keeping to ourselves.

Yeah.

Just hadn't thought to bring it up. Right. It's really hard to bring it up if you approach it in a way that's, hey, let's just talk about it. For us, it's a game changer. And so many couples, wonderful example. Greg, I'm so happy for you because it does work, this advice to have a healthy conversation about sex. Yes, it's scary, but you were nervous to bring it up, and you didn't know how she would react, and you had some assumptions because you had never talked about it that maybe she wouldn't be into certain things. And now you get to go away for the weekend and keep kind of brainstorming and fantasizing and playing to get thinking about what's possible. And it's so exciting. It's like going on a sexual magic carpet ride together. Greg, this just gives me so much joy now. I mean, no press, but if you call me back, I want to hear how the weekend goes. I'm following with you on your journey, even if you just want to email me. I'm sorry. So thrilled that you called in to let me know that the advice worked. To have a healthy conversation with your partner.

No, And I thank you for that.

Of course. I got you. I'm here for you, Greg.

I'm so.

My whole team here.

We're sitting here so overjoyed. Really, you deserve this, and so does she. Why not meet each other's needs? Why not make sex an incredible experience for both of you? You're married. You got a whole life together. Thanks, Greg.

I appreciate you.

Thanks for calling in.

When we're back, I'll share more advice on how to revive your sex routine.

And also share some of your success stories.

So stick around.

We also got A question from Hector, 32, in San Bernardino, California. He has a question about lube shooter tips. And you're probably going, what the hell's a lube shooter? Well, you know that I'm a huge fan of lube. I think that lube is so underrated and that a lot of you just don't have lube. You don't have quality lube. You only use it if there's a huge problem. But I believe that every sex act is highly improved by adding a few drops of lube. Well, he said, my wife and I have recently been having a Lot of pegging sex lately. Meaning that she is penetrating him with a dildo in his anus. My question is, when applying the lube, do we insert it all the way in me and then eject the lube? Also, for the lube tablet, what brand do you suggest? All right, I wish I had a lube shooter here, but I don't. So a lube shooter just kind of looks like a syringe, but it has lube in it. So what you do is you fill it up with lube and then. And you can use this in your vagina as well. But if you put it in the anus, you want to go about halfway in, and you want to fill the lube shooter up halfway as well. You put it halfway in. You want to put it all the way in, and then you just kind of slowly release it. And then there's like, no mess, there's no cleanup. You know that you are well lubricated because remember, your anus is not self lubricating. And so that's when tears happen. That's when anal sex can be super painful. So you want to always prepare for anal. And I love the idea of a loop shooter. And you can get loop shooters for like 12 bucks in some places. Okay, we have an email.

This is from Lydia, and she's 27 in Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been masturbating for as long as I can remember, and I've never had any trouble orgasming. I use only my fingers and come every time. But I wanted to try a toy to take my orgasms to the next level. I purchased a vibrator that can be used either internally or externally, and I hate it. The vibrations make my clit involve a numb and or burn or itch, and it hurts when used internally. I used lube and tried it multiple different times in different ways, but never reached orgasm and was left with a numb vulva. Should I stick to only using my hands or should I try purchasing a different toy? Is my clit too sensitive for toys? I want to be someone that uses toys to mix up masturbation and partnered sex, but I'm worried I won't be able to, and I don't want to spend 100 of dollars trying to find the right toy. Thanks. All right, thank you for your question here, Lydia. So it's really common for vulva owners.

To have a sensitive clitoris, and sometimes.

It just really hurts to be touched. Sometimes this comes out as not being able to appreciate or tolerate oral sex. Like, if someone goes down on you, it's too sensitive. But all that said, maybe just the wrong toy for you. First thing that came to mind was a suction toy that have been popular in recent years because what they do is they offer indirect stimulation to the clitoris. It's more of a blowing than a sucking, to be honest. I'm into this kind of toy for you. Lelo has a toy called the Sona 2 Cruise. So this is a really powerful yet gentle toy. Gentle because it does stimulate the entire clitoris, and you can have a lot of satisfaction from it, but it doesn't touch your clitoris directly. See what I'm saying? So it's kind of like a blowing air that simulates oral sex. And this style of vibe is really popular right now. And a lot of different vulva owners I know all love it. In fact, I haven't heard from many people that they don't love these kind of toys. And the Sona 2 one from Lelo is just adorable. It's purple, and it has really great functionality. It's waterproof, really easy to clean, and uses premium silicone, of course, and just allows for pleasure that you can use all over your body. You could use it on your nipples. You could use it on your partner's body. And so I'm down with this. And if you want to try it out, actually, you can get 25% off all LELO products. Just use code Emily. And we'll also put that in the show notes for you.

Let's talk to Sarah, 35, in Arkansas. Tell me everything.

Okay. I've been married for 13 years. We've got three kiddos, and we're actually closing on a new home tomorrow. And it has been really fun to know that, like, okay, these are the last few nights we're going to have in this house that we've lived in for almost a decade. And let's just have some good sex to kind of commemorate all the love we have for the house. Been really good.

That's.

And then we're gonna have new house sex.

Tell me about one memory from your old house sex to celebrate the old house sex. Anything fun?

Yeah. So one of the first things that we did in the. In the old house was kind of christen each room minus the bathroom, cuz, you know.

Yeah.

So that's a really good memory.

That's a good thing. Yeah.

Yeah.

We're just looking forward to making those memories and christening the new rooms. I love it.

Sarah, congratulations. Really. Buying a house is a big step. A new house, a new chapter. It is so congratulations, and here's to many more years of great sex. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for calling. David, 40 in Tennessee.

Hello.

He's got an update. I love an update. Tell me everything.

Hello.

Hi.

Yeah, we did as you suggested. We invited them over.

Wait, let me just recap, David. You called about having a six of you had another couple that you've been swinging with for many years, and you wanted to bring in another couple. So there'll be six of you, and you did it. Okay, so tell me everything. Just gotta bring everyone up to speed.

Well, they were interested in joining us, and we were not sure how to go about it.

Right.

And they were a little timid. So we just. We all got together, kind of had a pool party. We just kind of let things kind of happen. I guess they still have some questions, but they seem to enjoy themselves.

Okay, well, that's good.

So you guys are a foursome, essentially, that you've been together for 10 years. You and your wife have partnered with this other couple as a foursome, and you had met this couple and you're like, well, how? We don't even know. We're still out of practice. How do we get someone to feel safe and that this would be something that would benefit them? So you did the thing. You casually had them over without the pressure.

Yeah.

All right.

We just let things just kind of go where it wanted to go. We wouldn't steer in anything in any direction. We just kind of let things just.

So what happened? Like, did. Was there fooling around?

Was there pleasure?

Yeah, I mean, it started off, you know, with the pool. We had had a few drinks or whatever. Well, we get in the pool nude, of course, and things just kind of go from one to another. Like, he was a little quicker to warm up, but everybody was having a pretty good time by the end of the night.

Great. So you think they'll come back?

I think they will.

We're just not going to make an every weekend thing for a while. Just kind of take it slow.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Because then after a while, you'll be like a six them again. You get sick of anything. No, I think that's cool. Okay. And I would communicate with them. You could even follow up and saying, any tips for couples who want to swing and they haven't done it yet? Any tips about the.

How you've done it?

A lot of people ask me about it and you're already.

You're a professional.

What's your number one tip?

I wouldn't say professional, but all right. Don't be pushy. Just let things just kind of let curiosity take over.

Right. And get curious and pay attention.

Eventually. Yeah. Once you're around each other enough things will just kind of happen.

Yeah. All right. Thanks, David. Keep me posted. Okay.

We'll be following you.

I appreciate it. Success. All right.

All right.

I'll be here for you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sponsor, sex life, dating or relationships.

Call my hotline 559-talk-SEX.

That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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