Sex Life Second Chances with Nadia Bokody

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

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Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, our robust and very informative website. And you can easily subscribe to the podcast. We love when you do that. Follow us on social media, exwithemily, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Also. You guys, big announcement. We officially have a brand new podcast cover. It was dated. We've had a few of them and I'm so excited. So check that out. And in honor of that, we've got a contest for you. You can win amazing products from we Vibe, Womanizer and Pure Lube. All you gotta do. Ready? Easy. Send a screenshot of you subscribing to the podcast and your review on itunes to feedback@sexwithemily.com contest ends soon. That's March 20th, so get on it. Do it. I mean, only if you want some toys and more pleasure in life. Also, if you already subscribed, that's amazing. You can just take a picture of your review. We love it. Okay. Hope you guys enjoy this interview with sex influencer Nadia Botti. I'm very excited to welcome my guest, Nadia Bokotti. Hello. She's from Australia. She's an Australian sex positive media personality columnist, A self confessed former fuck girl. I want to know what the hell that is. You can find her at Nadia Bokati. B O K O D Y. We'll also put this in our show notes. She runs a website called she said dot com. Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm fangirling so hard right now.

You are. It's so fun. I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah. I love you and everything that you do and I'm very much trying to, you know, you know, do something similar over in Australia in terms of getting the whole sex positive vibes happening because we are a little behind the eight ball over in Australia.

What happens, like, why is it you guys are behind the eight ball there? In some ways I feel like in the last few years, like to the podcast, we had this huge influx of Australian listeners.

Yeah. Because I think Australians are actually desperate for, you know, content around sex and education around it because we are actually so incredibly lacking in it. And I think it's a similar vibe in the uk. I've done some morning show type segments over in the UK and it's very clear that there's still a lot of really conservative people over there. I did a segment on this morning which is a show over in the UK and I was talking about the fact that I think masturbation should be included in sex ed and I got so much hate on Twitter. People were calling me a pedophile, saying that I should be run over with a car, that they wanted to keep their children away from me. And I think people totally missed the point of what I was saying. But it also, it does show the fact that there is a huge, huge need, you know, just for more, I guess, exposure to these topics because people are so uneducated. They're sort of, you know, missing the whole point that, you know, kids learning about their own bodies is going to keep them safer. It's not stealing away their innocence. If anything, it's right. Potentially protecting it for longer. So, yeah, I'm just really trying to, you know, push that in. In Australia. And I think that is why, you know, there are a lot of Australians that are actually really hungry for the sort of content that you're doing.

Well, I'm glad you're doing it there. I mean, we saw that here too. We. To teach masturbation in schools. I feel the same way. So, I mean, but I'm. We. Sounds like you really do need it in Australia, so I'm so glad that you are there fighting that fight. But you have to tell me, what's a girl, please.

Well, so do you. You guys say. Do you use boy? You say boy?

Yes.

Right. Okay.

So, yeah, I want to be a girl. I want to know. Maybe, maybe.

I don't know.

Maybe I have been.

I think I am one.

Jamie.

I reckon she is. Yeah.

No, a girl is just. I. I guess it's. It's with the whole sex positive vibe that I'm trying to promote. I did quite a popular column over in Australia, and it was about my adventures as a girl. And basically I was married and I went through a divorce, and I went through my whole phase, and I really just kind of discovered myself sexually and I discovered this whole scene of boys and the boy culture. And I thought, well, why can't a woman be a girl and why can't I do what the guys are doing? And when I talked about it, like, to girlfriends and stuff, people were so shocked. And so I sort of just ran with it and I was like, I'm gonna be a girl.

Okay, so. Meaning. Meaning, let me get this straight. So you would go out with people and you would say, did you say, like, I'm a. Like, were you like, I'm just gonna sleep with you tonight? And this is going nowhere.

No, because I think the thing is with the boy culture is that it's really about guys not being clear through their communication about what they want and kind of stringing multiple girls along. And I think there's a level of arrogance to that with guys thinking that girls aren't doing it back. And a lot of guys that I had been with during my hoe phase or my girl phase ended up reading my column. I didn't tell them I was a sex columnist, but they'd obviously, you know, found it online and was so shocked. They were like, oh, I. I thought, you know, I was the only one you were seeing. And I was like, well, you were only sending me one text every three weeks. Like, do you really think with that level of attention I wasn't going out? And other guys during that time, like, I have needs too. Like, yeah. So I think it's about just showing, you know, like, I would. I had lots of men on my speed dial and I would, you know, call up multiple guys and see who was available first for sex and.

Right.

I just, you know, it was just like, I guess using men for a little bit of fun. Not that I endorse using people, but it was kind of like, I guess the focus of the column was showing the way that women are becoming more empowered to do the same sort of stuff that guys are doing. And I think what certainly, what I saw in. In the Sydney dating scene in Australia is that a lot of men seem to think that they're. They have a woman sort of on a string and that she's just sitting around waiting for them at home for that text that's coming once every two weeks for the booty call text. And so I was like. And I did what most women did. I would put all my eggs into the basket of one man and I would wait for his text and I would, you know, try to be patient and all of that. And I realized, like, I may. I can be out getting some other. Dig in this.

Right in between texts. I'm going dick shopping.

Yeah, exactly.

I get it because it's like, it is true that I always say, like, when you're dating, like, I think it's important to date around, like, think that we shouldn't just settle for one per. We sleep with them once and then make all these assumptions. If you don't have the talk with someone, I would say you should assume that they're dating other people.

Absolutely.

Talk about exclusivity, assume there are other dicks, there are other vulvas in their life. So I think that that is great that you. You would outdid that. But here's my question. So in all of your, like, I read your column about a week of what, seven one night stands? Which I gotta be honest with you, sounds exhausting, but I kind of like the idea I might do it like over a. What I think is good, great about dating around a lot of people is that on the flip side what we do is we, we date one person and we like, like as women because we get attached sometimes to the orgasm and we wait and then we're like, well, I had great text with the person, so we might as well commit and then take a year to figure out all the reasons why we don't work or something. Or maybe we do, but mostly we don't. But if you're dating a lot of people back to back and even sleeping with them, and I think it's good to be honest that you are sleeping with other people, but then you get to kind of compare and see what you like or at least learn how to communicate because that's the huge part that we're missing is that we often don't know how to communicate what we need. And what I liked about your column was that you said, well, on day five or something, you're like, well then I like the way the girl touched me. The guy touched me here and she, he touched me here. And then I kind of got all that with the partner on like the fifth night.

Yeah.

Which is such a great way of learning because it was all. It wasn't, wasn't just like one year, it was one person the next year.

Yeah.

And I think more about that.

I think that's why like the hoe phase or a slop phase or whatever you want to call it is actually really important. And it sounds very superficial on the face of it, but it actually is a way that you kind of tap into your own sexuality and sexual sort of identity, I guess, as a woman. And for me, you know, I, I did what a lot of, you know, women do. I had, you know, fallen in love in my early 20s, went straight out. We were married after six months. I was only 25. We were, we were in a marriage for seven years. You know, I, to this day, I could not say anything bad about my ex husband. He was a great guy, but just, you know, I think we were both pretty miserable in the relationship because I wasn't, I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I didn't know what I wanted and I was trying to be something that I wasn't. And we made each other miserable. And I realized that, you know, I didn't know what I wanted sexually. I'd been with essentially one guy for seven years and just trying to fit that mold of being a wife and what I thought that should be, that I sort of surprised myself. It wasn't long after I split with my husband that I essentially went out and just fucked a random guy in a hotel room. We were actually having a girl's night and we had a hotel room booked. And I was sitting next to one of my girlfriends at work, and I had tears in my eyes. And she said, are you okay? I said, look, this is going to sound really weird, but I am literally so sexually frustrated because, you know, the marriage had obviously been sexless for many months before we'd split. I said that I literally feel, like, emotional, like I'm going to burst into tears just from how badly I need sex. And she was like. And it kind of started up the whole, I guess, girl phase. She was like, why don't you just call up a guy and ask if he's dtf? And I was like, what's dtf? She's like, down to. And I was like, wait, I can do that? She's like, guys do it to us all the time. She's like, you met a guy on Tinder the other night. Just call him. I'm like, but he doesn't know me. He's gonna think that's weird. We've only met once. She's like, yeah, you can do it. And so she was like, just go to the hotel early. Us girls will hang downstairs in the bar and we'll meet you for the girls night. A couple of hours late. So I was like, okay. And it was just the greatest experience of my life. It wasn't that the sex was amazing. You know, looking back on the sex, if anything, it was probably fairly mediocre, but it was more just the release of everything that came out. And almost feel so sorry for the poor guy because I burst into tears violently at the end of the sex. And he was like, did I hurt you? Are you okay? He's just probably thinking, this woman, who I don't know has just invited me to a hotel room, basically had, like, really ravenous sex and then burst into tears.

Well, I think. Well, yeah, I mean, sex to be emotional. I cried. We cry after orgasm. We laugh after orgasm. It is emotional, too, though, because you were like, I'm finally gonna get what I want and I'm gonna try it, so. But what I like about is taking the term with, like, fuck girl. But more like, how about we're just Experimental, like to me that's so healthy. And like, I love, I think that's a great example for women to know that, that it's okay to go out and get your pleasure. But I also like the part of it of being honest that you're seeing other people because most likely they are too. And then to use condoms and all that stuff, use protection. But to then practice the real. I'm not just saying to like get your numbers up because you could have sex with a hundred people and still have bad sex. They're not satisfying sex for me. If you're going to go through the practice of sleeping with a lot of people, which I think, I think it's important by a lot you say, whatever that means to you. But like figure out. Because that's how we figure out what we like. It's like trying a bunch of different foods to figure out what kind of foods we love. Like, you can't know if you've only been with one person or two people, whatever. You can't know what you can't possibly know. You can do a lot of masturbation, which is great prep for that. But you can't know how what you like with a partner unless you've experimented.

And I think there's a lot of security, a strange kind of security, which I talked about in the column about sleeping with strangers. Because I sort of felt that emancipation of knowing I'm never going to see this person again. And with my husband, I would think, oh, what if he thinks, you know, strangely of me because I asked for this particular thing in bed, I was worried about how it would affect how he thought about me. Whereas when I was having a one night stand, I didn't care. I'm like, I'm never going to see this guy again. Like, I'm just gonna go for it and who care?

Right? Exactly. There is a certain thing like that, that when you're traveling abroad or you know, you're never gonna see him again, that we can have this freedom. Cause we don't care. And it's like, then how do you bring that same carefreeness into real life? Cause I used to that too. I used to travel a lot. And I was like, I was saying this the other night, like whenever I was abroad, I'm like, just sleep. It doesn't matter. Like, I'm going to Laos, you're going to Vietnam. See, you know, but, but I get it. There is a certain freedom to that. Absolutely. Should we take this call, Jen? That's a good call.

Yes. So we have some Susan, who's 52 from California on the line, and she wants to know how to guide her daughters away from fuckboys.

That's a good question.

Hey, Susan.

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you so much for taking my call.

Of course. I think it's a great question. How do you. What's going on? Yeah.

Well, I've got five daughters.

Oh, my God.

My younger two and my.

My one daughter. The older of the two was raped. And so she's working through owning her sexuality. I got them vibrators when they were 14 and 15. I support masturbation. I support going out and finding your sexuality. She's finding hers. But what she's finding is she keeps running into these boys, that they're folk boys, and she doesn't know how to get what she needs out of them.

And. Right.

Identity and power.

Okay. She's 20. I mean, here's the thing. Hormones, guys at that age. I deal with this with a lot of my friends. Kids who are like 19, 20, freshman, sophomore, college, like you. Just not everyone's looking for a relationship. They might kind of be fuckboys. They haven't had enough experience on the planet to not be. They are ruled by their testosterone. So if she's loyal.

As they should be.

Right.

So. But the boys are too. You know what I mean? So the boys are. So what I'm saying is like, you know, maybe her pickers broken and she's attracted to the guys who are like, really smooth and send us the texts who are like, hey, babe. And like, we get. Women get. We get sucked into the great texters. And usually the guys got that smooth language down. And I just know because I have a lot of friends in college that that's what happens. So maybe you tell her to. To wait a little bit, find out more about them before jumping into sex. But I'd have to say that the majority. I don't say all, but many guys that that age are sort of going to be more like that.

I don't even know if it's an age thing. I think it's just the modern FOMO culture of, you know, Tinder. You can kind of keep swiping. And so guys are like, I need to move on to the next girl. I think it's more that guys, they will show you who they are. Don't let them tell you who they are. I'm this, I'm that. They will show you. If your daughters can watch out for the signs. How often is he texting you? Is he texting you? Once a week. He's shown you he's a boy, so move on. The quicker you can see the signs and cut those guys out, the better. It's when you let those guys string you along that it's going to lead to heartbreak.

Yeah, well, and here. But here's the thing. That was what I, I taught myself when I was younger. But this generation, this culture, it's an igm. I, you know, I get mine first.

Well, right.

Well, this is the whole education thing. So then you're.

Yeah, well, yeah, no, I want her to be able to go out and. Go out and own your sexuality, have a great time. If, if you know you're with a boy, then just know that. Say, see you later, like you're talking about doing in another country.

She's got to get out of it.

Do it here, like I think, and then let go.

Right. Well, that's the thing. She can't get. Here's the thing, and I think you're right, that no matter how much we tell women, I always say you're not there for their pleasure. Like, I think for women, we're pleasers and we're like, I want them to like me, so I'm going to give him a blowjob. You tell him, like, I'm going down on you until you go down on me. Like, she's got to learn. Like, I'm going to get mine. And when she's not turned on and she's not aroused, that's when she leaves. And so hopefully she's watching her alcohol intake and drugs because that's when we make less good choices. But that's all it is.

She's really cool about that.

And a lot of these guys have to be trained. Like, they probably don't know. They only know how to be selfish lovers. Like, they haven't been trained in a way to not be. So I think it's so right that she has to look for the signs and to learn what, what, what she deserves. And it sounds like you've done a really good job of telling her, but now she has to experience it and know that it's okay to leave, leave a room that doesn't feel comfortable and to say to guys. And I think that men want to know a guy at 20 doesn't know what the hell he's doing. And the way I was raised was I assumed they knew because I didn't know. I was like, well, they must know I don't know anything. So I, they. But they don't. So they'll appreciate it. They'll appreciate her saying, you know what? I'm not quite turned on yet. Maybe you could move your finger like this. Maybe you could make out with me a little more, kiss my neck. Like, she could practice asking for what she wants and then see how they respond. And if she doesn't, she's got to get clear on what is the thing she wants and what's going to feel good and when. Then when it doesn't leave.

I think that's a great idea for taking her sexual power back as well, that she's actually asking for what she wants and identifying it. Because like you say, especially with one night stands, and from my own experience, it is like something that you're giving to the man and, you know, it should be just about as much about her pleasure as it is about his.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Both.

She. Yeah. And there's a great book called she Comes first by Ian Kerner. God, what was she said? It's 10 years.

I bought it for her.

You bought it for her? I'm so glad.

But I got it. I love it. I love the book.

It's such a good book. And it's so true. Like, she comes. Guys, just tell. If you have sons right now, buy them this book. She comes first. You're gonna come. You're. You're hard. It's gonna happen. But when you learn that, like, oh, like they just have never been told this, Susan, so it sounds like you're on the right track, you know? So just keep talking to her.

Yeah, I hope so. I hope so.

Yeah. I mean, she's gonna learn some lessons.

It's amazing.

What'd you say? Excuse me?

Oh, I said thank you. And I love your show. It is amazing. I can't get enough of it. And I wish that I could, like, listen to it when it's not on the time zone, because sometimes I just go in my car just to listen to you.

Oh, Susan, you can. Well, first of all, thank you. Yes. So here's the great thing. Sirius XM has an On Demand. So if you have in your car. I don't know that a lot of people know this, but you can download their app for free. And my episodes, like eight episodes are available, but also like the last eight and you can listen to it on your phone. But I also have about 500 podcasts. I've been doing a podcast for 14 years, and it's on iTunes. Google Play, SoundCloud, Spotify, and you could literally listen to them for the next year and you wouldn't run out of podcasts, so check those out.

That's so great. I will do that. Thank you.

Awesome. Okay, Susan, stay in touch. Let me know how it goes. Five daughters. I'm sure there's gonna be some more questions. Thank you for calling. Great to hear from you. You can call us 889-47-8277. Okay, Nadia, so what else? Okay, so now how did you. How's your sex life now? Where, what stage are you in now?

I would say I'm in a really good place right now. I'm in a relationship. I've been in a relationship for the last coup.

Yeah, I, I think I'm in a much, I guess, healthier, happier relationship because I'm in a place where I, I sort of own my sexual identity more and I know what I want and I'm not afraid of asking for what I want. And I have that clear communication with my partner. And yeah, that's why I think it's so important for all women to sort of go through that.

Phase. And actually I do. I am a big believer that it does begin at a young age with masturbation. And so I love that. The woman that just called in said that she actually got her daughter's vibrators. Like that. So cool. I actually, I think because I write so openly about sex, I have a lot of people, even though I'm not a therapist or anything like that, but a lot of people will open up to me and they'll send me emails and things telling me, you know, details about their sex lives and asking questions and it made me really sad. I had a 17 year old girl contact me online and she said, I want to know if there's something wrong with me, if I'm a pervert. And she said basically while she was out, her dad had gone through her room, as, you know, parents sometimes do. He'd found her vibrator and instead of discreetly putting it back and pretending like he'd never been there, he exposed, basically exposed it, let her know he'd found it, like confronted her and shamed her for it and said, you know, you're too young to be doing this and confiscated it. And she wanted to know if she was a pervert. I said, not only are you not a pervert, but your poor dad, who probably genuinely believes in, from his own educational background, that he's protecting his daughter and doing the right thing. You have been safely discovering your body in the comfort of your own home, in your own time, with no pressure. And now your option to do that is Going to be through partnered sex, which has a whole, whole lot more emotional implications, physical implications. And your dad has literally sort of thrown you out there to that. And, you know, he probably believed that he was protecting her. And that's why we need. We need to talk about this stuff and have more education around it. Because it took me, you know, I'm in my mid-30s now, and it took me this long and going through a marriage to just now be in a happy, healthy sexual relationship. And, you know, a lot of it is because I didn't understand so much about sex, because you don't get given that through sex at all.

I'm so glad you're there. Maybe you could do. I mean, I feel like sex education is just. We need it so badly. And it sounds like in Australia as well, educating the parents and the kids and. And that makes me sad. I'm so glad she reached out to you because that could have. Just for life, she could have been like, oh, my God, I'm so. This. This is what happens. There's one infraction that happens. Someone walks in on you masturbating. Your parents find your toys. You're told that you're a bad lover and, like, it sticks with you. You just need one negative message around sex. And so I love that she was able to reach out to you and do that and tell you. And you're right. Like, oh, mad dad makes me so mad.

Yeah. And I feel for the dad because he obviously believed he was protecting his daughter. And, you know, that was the outrage that I had when I did the masturbation. When I was talking about including masturbation in sex ed on that TV segment was people saying, you know, you're trying to age children too quickly. You're trying to steal their innocence. Let them be children. And I think these people genuinely believe that they're protecting children. But the reality is, I mean, you guys all know from the statistics that kids are having sex. So we have two choices. One is to bury our head in the sand and just pretend like it's not happening. It's still gonna happen. And there's going to be, you know, besides unwanted pregnancy and STDs, this is why the MeToo movement has come about, is because women are only just now reflecting on sexual experiences from 10 plus years ago and going, wait a minute, that actually was a bit rapey or a bit wrong, or that was actually assault. And I didn't know that because I just thought sex was something where I just laid there and let a guy do things to me. So if we don't talk about these things and we don't let girls understand what pleasure feels like for their own body, how are they? There was a really interesting study came out. Peggy Orenstein, she does a TED talk about it. And 30% of young women that are having sex, when they're having sex, they're in pain, but they are still having sex in pain. They don't want to say anything about it because either A, they just think that's normal and that's what sex should feel like, or B, they feel that it's impolite or wrong, or it's not about them, it's about their partner.

Because we're pleasers and we think that we. How would we know any otherwise? And you're right. Like, 80% of women do experience pain at some point in their lives, and they totally normalize it and doesn't have to be that way at all. Women don't have to experience. I love her book Girls. I think Peggy Orenstein wrote a great book called Girls that if you are a parent or you have girl, you're an aunts. Anything with girls in your life, you should read a book. It's a great read.

She's brilliant.

She is brilliant. I mean, it's so true that we just. We're not treating our girl. We're not teaching enough to our girls.

And we don't realize we're actually creating situations for them that are putting them in harm's way, you know, And I know we're not intending to do that, but this is. This is why the MeToo movement is happening. If we don't talk openly about this stuff, girls are going to continue to be. And not just young girls, but women are going to continue to put themselves in situations. I had another young woman contact me. She was only 21, and she was convinced that she was broken. She'd been in a relationship for two years with her boyfriend, and she was convinced she was broken. And she was looking up all these pills obsessively online because she couldn't orgasm. And I just asked her a couple of simple questions. Again, I said, like, I'm not a sex doctor or anything, but just a couple of quick questions, like, are you having foreplay and all this. They're not having foreplay. He's just going straight to penis and vagina sex. And they've been having sex for two years. So, you know, it probably takes a little bit more to get aroused. And I just said to her simply, do you know that it takes Most women up to 20 minutes to achieve orgasm during partnered sex. Not during masturbation, but during partnered sexual. And she burst into tears. She was like, thank you. I've just realized I'm not broken. And actually, if anything, my boyfriend should be trying harder.

Exactly Right? Good. That's so true.

No one had told her that simple fact.

So glad that you are the voice down under right now. Helping all these people. They need to know this.

No pun intended.

Exactly. Down under all the things. Okay, I've got our five cookie questions for you. You ready?

Yes.

Nadia Bokati. Biggest turn on.

Oh, biggest turn on. I like someone who's really passionate, who has, like, will just light up when they're talking about a top topic. I think that's super sexy.

Biggest turn off.

Biggest turn off would probably have to be a smoker. I just can't kiss a smoker. It's just not for me.

What's your biggest dating deal breaker?

Oh, I guess someone that doesn't genuinely invest time into showing, you know, me that they. They want to actually emotionally invest into me.

Something random that turns you on.

Something random that turns me on. We have in Australia we call tradies. I don't know what you call them over here, but it's like, you know, the men on construction sites, construction workers, and like, as soon as I see their fluorescent uniform, I'm just like, damn.

Straight away.

We have that here. What's the sexiest body part to you?

Oh, the sexiest body part on a man for me is definitely the arms. Like a guy just, like, reaching up to get something with a nice set of arms will just. That's me gone. Okay.

I love it. Okay. Thank you so much for being here. It was so fun.

Thank you so much for having me.

Oh, my God. It's a pleasure. And keep fighting the good fight. I love it. She said dot com. And at Nadia Bokati on Instagram and Twitter.

Thank you.

Thank you for being here. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We're gonna get into your emails.

All right, guys? Love answering your questions. It's why I'm here on the planet. If you want a question, answer the show. Go to my website, sexelmy.com, click the Ask Emily tap, fill out the short form and do it that way. Or just email us feedbackextwithemily.com. no matter how you do it, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show. Thanks, guys. Okay, Jamie, you want to read up the emails, of course.

This first one comes to us from Megan, who's 28 in California. She writes, hi, Emily. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple months but have known each other for years. His ex girlfriend that he's friends with is getting married this year and he's going to be invited. I find it extremely weird to go to the wedding and I feel like he shouldn't. It may make or break our relationship. A wedding is intimate and I can't understand why he'd want to go or why she would want him there unless they still have feelings for each other. They've been broken up for seven plus years, but shouldn't they just move on and live their lives separately, already confused and saddened?

Okay, Megan, this is a really good question because I totally understand what that feels like, that it seems to you, or maybe in your experience, you haven't been friends with an ex, but it's actually true that men and women, men, anyone, anyone can break up. And if it wasn't and they both healed and they realized their friendship was more than the love, but they realized they want, you know, someone that you're really close with. Sometimes when you can't be romantic with them, they become friends and they could become best friends. I have many close guy friends that I would consider, like, it's like family to me that I have dated. So understand that notion. And I think that maybe this hasn't come across your life before, that you've seen this. That said, I understand why that doesn't feel good to you, but I also think if she's inviting him to her wedding and they broke up for seven years, I don't think she's doing it because she's trying to get back together with him. So I don't think that you're concerned is, you know, you said, shouldn't they just move on and live their life separately? This is why I think I needed to explain to you that the relationship that can happen, if they have a real connection, they shouldn't move on. She is moving on. She's getting married and she's saying, I honor our friendship and the part that you played in my life seven years ago. I still care about you. Come to my wedding. So that's how I see it. However, I do think you should be invited to the wedding as a guest. So if he's allowed to bring a guest and they're really truly friends, been a while since they broke up, I think you should go. And if he can't be a guest if he can't bring a guest, I see why this might be a little bit more disturbing. But not because I think he's getting back together with her. It's because I think that your attachment to him and the insecurities you're having right now, that's gonna make you feel better if you actually get invited. And if it's really gonna make or break your relationship. I hope you're honest with him. But if he doesn't get it, maybe he's not the one for you in this place. But I gotta tell you, I understand the friendship thing. And if he can't bring you. Cause my other thing was I thought long and hard about this. People have weddings sometimes and they don't want people there they've never met. They want their truest, their ride or dies. People they love. And so if you guys have been together for three months, couple months, and he's been friends with her for 10 years, whatever, I'm gonna be honest. He might choose her. So you gotta take a deep look inside and see if you really like, you know, you only been here a few months. I don't think you have the claims on him to make an ultimatum right now. All right, that's what I got for you. But definitely be honest with them and let them know what's going on down and how you're feeling.

All right?

All right.

This next one here is from Jacob, who's 19 in Texas. Hi Emily. I've been listening to your show for a while and I really enjoy learning about everything you discuss. Here's my situation. My girlfriend, I have been together for about nine months now. We started having sexual desires early in the relationship. But this is her first relationship and she wants to wait for the full on penetration sex until she's ready. I respect this. And we go on with oral and hand stuff. Usually I am the one going down on her. Whether it's her breasts, neck down there or wherever she wants me to. When I want her to go down on me, I have to ask her. And when I do, she seems uncomfortable with it. I do clean very often, especially when I know we're going to have alone time. And even put scented lotion and lube to make it easier for her. Even when she works up the nerve for it, she has the death grip. You've mentioned. Constantly asks if I'm going to finish soon and doesn't always get the job done. I've tried talking to her, but when I do, she gets discouraged and upset and it makes me feel guilty. So I don't bring it up anymore. Is there another way I can approach this to her? And if I do, is there any tips or resources for her to go down on me and ways I can improve going down on her? Thank you for everything. I love the show.

Oh, thank you for emailing, Jacob. I really like this scenario you've laid out for me because it brings up a lot of things. First of all, welcome to beginner sex. You are both. You're young, you're 19. You guys are both learning how to have sex, how to talk about what you want. And so what I see here, you might be the first penis she's ever had in her mouth. She might not have given blow jobs before. It might be very overwhelming for her. She and I can tell you from a lot of women, we start out, we want to do it right. We're so sensitive if we get any feedback around sex, especially when we're young, that it just. That's why she freaks out when you give her feedback. I'm sure she would love to get to know what to do to make you feel good, but I think it's sweet that you're like, I shower and clean. I think you're fine. I don't think it has anything to do with hygiene. That is an issue in some relationships. But what I think it is is fear and really wanting to do it, but not knowing where to start. So that's kind of where we're at here. I think that she is discouraged because you bring it up in a way that not on purpose, that she feels threatened. Okay. So you don't know what you don't know. She hasn't done it a lot. She won't know what she's doing. So I think recognizing that you are both learning about your bodies and sex and that you want to figure out together what makes you both feel good. And you could even like, acknowledge maybe that you both would like to learn more together. So I think a cool thing would be mutual masturbation. I'm gonna hope she masturbates. She might feel very uncomfortable by this. I feel like she might not be like, yay. But why it's cool is because.

You.

Can show her, like, sometimes mutual masturbation. You're both touching each other like you're touching yourselves and you're looking and it's hot because you're learning from looking. Like you're seeing what your partner does and it's just a turn on. Or you could show her how you want to be touched and then she can show you. But I feel like, you know, masturbation. Doing it together, seeing how she turned herself on would be great. We also have plenty of tips at our side. We have a blog called Enthusiastic Blowjob Tips for Better Head. We've got a lot of oral sex tips for you to improve upon going down on her. I mean, really, it's about slowing down and having an honest conversation. If you've been listening, you know that communication is a lubrication. You know this, Jacob. And you know by saying, you know what I see, you get frustrated when I bring it up, but it's only because I'm trying to explain. But I haven't done this much before either. So let's go on to. Let's go on a sexual adventure together. Let's. Every time we're together, let's have. Let's try to figure out what we could do to make us both have better sex and feel more pleased and have more orgasms and just to take it down a notch, make it more playful and that you're in it together so she doesn't feel threatened. And you guys have great sex. Okay.

Okay.

Yeah. Good. So many good questions.

I'm glad he's getting this in at 19.

Well, that's the thing. It's like, oh, okay, I get it. Like this, these things. Reading this, it's like there's a lot to pack in because it's like we just. We forget that we didn't know once. We don't know yet. And.

Yeah, and then now he's going to be able to go into his 20s with a plethora of knowledge.

Exactly. That's what I want for all of you.

This next email is from Marshall, 35, in California. Hi, Emily. I'm about five months into a relationship with a woman after getting divorced about a year ago. Things are going well overall, albeit slow since my girlfriend is finishing up a doctorate. And it limits how much we can see each other during the week. One to two times max. Although we enjoy each other's company and the sex is good, it does appear as if there's a bit of an evenness in the love affection we feel for each other. Right now. I'm further along in my feelings for her, and she still needs more time to get to know me, to dive in. My question to you is, is the idea of people falling in love at the exact same time less common than movies and TV would have us believe? Should I check myself and slow down to my partner's pace to avoid getting hurt? She's rushed into relationships before. So part of me hopes that she's purposely going slower. But it's hard not to feel insecure that after five months she's still deciding if she and I are match. Thanks for your advice.

All right, Marshall. Okay, here's what I think about it. I loved my question to you. As he says, is the idea of people falling in love at the exact same time less common than movies and TV would have us believe? Absolutely. I mean, it's way less common. In fact, all the stuff we see in the movies, they. They make, it makes love and sex seem so easy. You meet, there's some reason you can't get together, and then you finally get together and then you fall into bed and you have amazing sex and it stay, you know, it. It's just. There's no foreplay, there's no lube, there's no condoms, there's no problems. That is not real. Real movies are not real life. So here's a thing I want to check in with you about a few things here. This is the facts, right? You've been together five months. She's working on a doctorate. I can tell you from someone who worked on a doctorate, it's a lot of time. So one to twice a week. Plus she's working on a doctorate as a full time job. Sex is good. It's been five months. So I think that no one falls in love at first sight. And I don't even believe that you're in love after five months. You're still in the lust phase. Because I'm certain that there's still more that you actually need to learn about each other to make sure that you're both actually compatible. So I actually like her for you, Marshall. I like that she's slowing you down. I like that she's not honest, that she's sure. And I'd argue that you can't totally be sure yet either. I think that if you really work with her on like, you know, right now, it sounds like there's a great connection. I would not force her. I'd give her the space of one, two times a week. But when you're together, start to pay attention to, like, ask questions and listen and. Do you guys share the same values? Do you like living your life in the same way? Do you picture your future the same? Do you want kids, religion? What does she do on the weekends? You mentioned something here about affection. What if she's not really affectionate? And I also thought about your love languages. If you're one of your Love languages is touch. And you brought up she's not as affectionate, she might never be affectionate, and you might never really know how it into she is by touch. So find out. Do you like touching? Do you like, you know, what, what is your thing? Or, you know, find out her love languages. Like, try to move this a little deeper while you're waiting for her, which I don't. I think you both have to together decide if you're going to be together. So I think this is a great thing. And slow it down a little bit. Keep talking and really take a step back and be like, am I lusty? Am I desperate to get into a thing? Or can you slow down and go at a pace that's good for both of you and then make a good decision? Is it love? I like that question.

It is. It's really good. I think people are constantly falling in love at different times and it's not as clear cut as movies always make it seem.

And in the movies, we get them falling in love and they're so happy, but we never see them like six months later after they moved in together and had to, you know, share a closet or happens or bathroom. Right. Okay.

All right, this next one comes to us from Alicia, 24, in Illinois. Hi, Emily. I'm so happy I discovered your podcast as helped me become more confident in talking about sex with my partner. I'm 24 and engaged to my partner of six years. A couple years into our relationship, we decided to switch from using condoms as our method of protection to just birth control. Every time he finishes inside me, I always have to hold the semen in my hands and walk to the bathroom, then wipe it all away. Is this normal again? In movies and TV shows, most couples roll over and just go to sleep without having to clean up. This has been something I've always been curious about and would love any, any information to see if this is something other couples that don't use condoms experience.

Thanks. Okay. Alicia. Yes. In movies and tv, they don't say, babe, I want to fall into post coital bliss, but let me go pee first in the bathroom and get rid of it. That doesn't happen either. So I, I think that this is totally normal. This is what happens if someone comes inside of you. It's really important, you guys. I mean, you don't have to rush up the second after someone ejaculates inside of, of you. But I would say less than 30 minutes. Get up, make sure you go to the bathroom. You want to clear out any bacteria that might have gotten inside of you. That's how we prevent getting UTIs, or bladder infection. Have wipes near the bed to help you hold it in. You probably don't have to. I don't know, Sometimes it drips, but it's. I never really have to cup my hand. Yeah, you got to cup your hand or take some wipes with you to the bathroom. I love having baby wipes by the bed. And I also have a towel by you to wipe it off. But that's what happens. They just don't show you the sexy bathroom strut with semen coming out of your vagina in the movies.

Yeah, they would. They gotta cut that part out.

But I love that you're going to the bathroom and wiping it up right after. Cleaning up after.

Okay, this, this last one comes to us from Ryan, who's 42 in Toronto. Hi, Emily. My wife and I have been married with kids for 13 years. Five years ago, she cheated on me with her boss. I found out and confronted them. She said she stopped and we tried to. To move past it. We both didn't want our kids to have a separated parent, so we stayed together. We both have moved on from the past, but now she refuses to have sex with me. She claims that she has lost her sex drive. I feel that it's more. Am I wrong? We haven't had sex for going on three years. We don't sleep in the same bed since my daughter tends to sleep there. This has pushed our relationship and intimacy to the end of non existent. How do I get my wife to want intimacy and drive her libido back up, up. When I do ask, all she ever says is, I'll let you know when.

All right. Okay. Here's the thing, Ryan. In reading this, there's a lot more going on here than just you guys not having sex. First of all, when someone cheats in a relationship, when there's infidelity, you know, it takes while to build that trust. I'm getting the sense that you, you know, she stopped. We tried to move past and you stayed for the kids. And I'm not sure that you guys did that. Work around really rebuilding trust, why the affair happened. You know, like, this takes therapy. This takes another outside person helping you guys get back to, you know, wherever you were or get to a better place because you said you both moved on and now she's refusing to have sex with you. She claims she lost her sex drive. It's more. Yes, there's definitely, definitely more. You're not having. She and she can't just bail on sex. She can't say to you, I'll let you know when my sex drive comes back. I mean, I understand that you are together with her for the kids, but if kids can feel when there's tension in the homes, they see that you're not sleeping in the same bedrooms, they see that mommy's never affectionate with daddy. So if you want this relationship to work, it's not about getting her libido back up. It's about the two of you getting into some therapy right now, marriage counseling, and figuring out how to enhance your intimacy by communication. First. First untangling this. What happened with the affair and the infidelity and the sex stuff. But I don't think your wife's gonna send you a text one night and be like, guess what, my libido's back. There's more work to do here, Ryan. So do the work. Now, it sounds like you didn't do it when the affair happened, but now you guys have got to figure out, are you compatible? Does she want to work on it? It's not fair for a partner to opt out of the sex and just say, I'm never gonna do it. It's both of you working on it, working on the relationship. So I think you can do that. Marshall, figure out if this is a healthy relationship for both of you and your family. Thanks for the email, Ryan. Thanks, Jamie.

Of course.

Awesome show. Thanks everyone for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you to my amazing team. Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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