Sex Noises, Swipe Apps, and Bisexuality

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boy? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard. Oh my, the women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

Foreign.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can easily subscribe to everything we have going on. Which is fun because listen, when you subscribe to the podcast, we love that it helps us. You can easily review us at itunes. Also, subscribe to our newsletter because you don't want to miss all the fun things we have going on. We don't spam you, we don't sell your name, but there are people say they love the emails, give you information. You might get a good discount on a toy. Check out our social media. It's all actually across the board. And also shop my store. Oh my God, have you seen the store on my website? I've got a store and you always hear me talk about products I love. Well, now they are on the site and we update it with amazing content every day. If I do say so myself. You want a better sex relationships, but you can't listen to the podcast because you're at work or something. Read the blogs, check them out. You'll like it. So thanks everyone. I appreciate your support of the show. So this is one of several call in shows we've done now because you know we are now taking your calls. All you gotta do is when you email me as you normally do, you just go to the Ask Emily tab on the website. You just send your question in. So easy. But now you can say, yes, I'd like to be called. And then amazing assistant producer Eddie Will call you and set it up, which is fun. So we're doing that. And you might notice I also don't have co host, so I'm just talking to you, like, just like one on one. We're hanging out here. So it's a whole new format. It's a whole new thing. And let me know, let me know how you like the show. And I can't wait to hear from you and talk to you. It's really fun for me, actually, to get to talk to you because then we can get into it, we get into your questions, we can dissect it, we can help you help others. Super fun time. Okay, so I've been telling you lately, a few weeks ago, I told you about how I took some time off from dating and how it's been really healthy for me, and now I'm kind of back out there again. So now I've been doing the dating apps. So you don't have to. No. So you actually do have to, because I'm going to tell you what to do and what not to do. So you guys are always asking me about which apps should I try? Or is Tinder really a hookup app? Or, like, do I really need to date online? Or maybe you still even think that there's a stigma with online dating, which I seriously think went the way of the, like, DVD or something. Like, I can't remember the last time anyone's like, oh, my God, you met online. It's kind of like a thing. It's kind of like. It's kind of like telling me that you really want to lose weight and you've done everything. You change your diet. You know, you're like, you know, talking to your friends about, you have a support group, but you're not going to the gym. It's like, well, why aren't you working out? You know? So if you're telling me that you're single and you're really ready to meet somebody, but you just think online dating is wrong. It's a hookup app. You don't want to say that you met your partner online. Well, guess what? You're wrong. And you're missing out on another opportunity and another way to meet people so you don't have to spend time alone being bumped out about it. Because, yes, there is the real world. It still exists. Many, many people meet in the real world. And that's perhaps how you're going to meet the next person. That's great, but why not increase your odds when you could be sitting on your Couch at home and be in contact with, like, 8,000 potential people that you could, you know, you go on a date with. So I say it just increases your odds. These are just rules that you're making to keep yourself away from dating. I think are dating online. I can't tell you which app is right for you because it's kind of like you're like people. You say, like, when I lived in San Francisco. Now they're like, where. What. What neighborhood should I stay in? I'm like, well, I don't know. Are you, like, a hipster? Do you, like, do you want to stay in the Mission? Do you want to, like, be in Pacific Heights where there's, you know, you can walk around and there's lots of trees? Do you like being by the water? Apps are the same. Or which bars do you like? I keep this with the routes, personality type. So I'm gonna tell you about them, and then, you know, you can see what resonates for you or try them all and see what you like. Okay, so I really do look for a good first message. So. And by good first message, I mean don't just say, like, you're hot. And don't just say, hi, how's your Tuesday? And you, you know, But I'm not saying you should write me poetry either. Just show that you read the profile or, like, there's something in my picture that interests you. Like, it's not hard. Like, it's not rocket science, but that's going to make you stand out from all the other people swiping on the photo or who's matched with the person. Okay, so. So yeah, first message, you base it on, you know, something in their profile. But I. So I went up. So Bumble is the one that women. You still do the swiping and the matching. If you match with someone, women have to send the first message. And I have never. I've never really done that. I've never asked anyone out, which, again, this is something new that I'm trying this year in life. Just because I just never did doesn't mean, like, I'm against it. I just. I don't know why I never did. Never came up. But now I was like, holy shit, I matched. I got a message. I'm so used to guys. So I wasn't nervous. I was like, wait, what do I say? And then I thought, wait a minute. I know this. I know what's worked for me. I. I know the guys I liked on Tinder or whatever. So I. I actually am really Enjoying it right now. So I was going to read you. I was excited about some of this, some of my messages and how it all went down. So some ideas of a good first message. Okay. Oh, here's my first message tip. Before I get into it, this is what I also want to tell you, okay? Don't get too personal too quickly, okay? So don't get too, like, hey, you're beautiful. Want to come over and, like, you know, suck my dick or something? Or like, like, just don't get too crude, okay? Save the nicknames. I don't want to be like, hey, babe. Like, don't premature cyberfect me, okay? I had this happen the other night. It was so. It was so annoying. On this app that I'm on called the League, which I will get to in a minute. It's kind of like they say, it's an exclusive app that you have to submit. You can check it out wherever. I don't know. It's. It's very new in la. I think it's in New York, San Francisco. So this guy, like, within the first second, he was like, what was it? I was. He was like, hi, love. And then he was within three. And I. I was flirting back at first, okay. Cause I think it's funny to kind of play around. But then he was like, hold on, I'm gonna give you examples of what not to do here. So he was like, you've great hair. That was his first message to me. I like that. Okay. He wasn't like, how's your Tuesday? He was like, you've great hair. Oh, yo, you have killer hair. He said, you have killer hair. I spend time in my hair. I like a guy that know. I said, complimenting a girl's hair will get you everywhere. And I said, or shoes. Shoes work sometimes. Hair all the time. So what did you copyright today? Because he's a copywriter, and he said, I wrote a commercial for Toyota. And he goes, and I love a woman in boots. And I said, well, that's all I wear sometimes. Pants. I admit that I did make say that.

And then he said, well, where are the boots on our honeymoon? Okay? This is like literally two minutes of texting. And I said, okay. So I did. Okay. So first I'm getting like, okay, wait, this isn't even. He's prematurely. This has been one minute of texting, right? So I admit I was like, okay, darling, I'll pack a suitcase of boots, maybe a toothbrush. And he said. Then he wrote, love you. Okay? Now granted, this isn't this exclusive app where you actually have to be, like, vetted to get on. I'm like, what is this guy? Is he drunk? And then.

He wrote something else. Like, someone should write a commercial for it for us or something. And I said, I vote you because he writes commercials. He goes, thanks, wife. Then I said.

So what else do you got here? What else? I say? I said, what else do you have in your. I said, so, what else you got for me? And he's like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, in your range here. We've already done this premature side of what's in your range. And then I didn't hear from him, and then he dropped off. So then he came back around and he was like. The next morning, he was like, hi, E. You used my first name. How's your day? So I don't know if he was drunk. I don't know what was wrong with him. What I'm saying is it was annoying. It was a little too flirty. Yes, I can flirt, like, the best of them. But then it was like he escalated too quickly, and I found that annoying. So that's my guy. Don't prematurely babe me. And don't do that when you first start dating either. Hey, babe, I'm here. I'm like, we don't even. You've never seen me. You're calling me babe. Okay, show that you read the profile again. That comes to the message. Like, you read something. You don't have a generic cut and paste message. And also, now this drives me insane. And if you both get off on this and it works for your match, you could do this. But why the hell would you text back and forth for longer than, like, oh, I don't know, a day or two? Because do you know that, first of all, texting someone hours go by. Do you ever text someone that you're really into? Like, when you first start dating and you look up, you're like, oh, my God, four hours ago, I could have gone over there and, like, had sex with them. So texting takes a lot of our energy. If you think that you like someone and you want to lock it down, a lot of times they'll be like, let's get a drink. Here's a new step I'm going to tell you. Set up a FaceTime call, because I've even done the phone call first. So I'm like, well, let's talk. And I once had a half hour call with a guy that I thought seemed really great. And then, like, two minutes after walking into our coffee date, I knew that I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. Like, I really was like, well, how quick can I leave? Because I'm a nice person. I'm like, how quickly can I leave? So it's not too rude. And I think I got out of there in, like, 56 minutes. He just did something awkward, like, grabbed my hand and was like, it wasn't comfortable. It doesn't matter what he did. Don't all freak out that you're going to be this guy, because believe me, you're not. So do a FaceTime vetting call as soon as you can if that's. If you're interested in that. Or just do a regular call, get off, text and meet them. Because why waste your life texting somebody who's going to, like, you know, I can never get the hour back that I drove to Santa Monica and saw this guy that was a terrible date. And then the half hour on the phone, like, life's too short. Okay, so those are my tips for your first messages in online dating. So I was going to read you some. Here's some first messages. Okay? This one guy. And again, it doesn't have to take a lot of work. You're like, well, I'm not funny. I'm not. Whatever. It doesn't matter. You guys, here's what I did here, okay? Two seconds. And I was like, you. I was a little nervous. Okay? I was like, oh, I don't know what to say. That's like. It's like anything. It's practice.

His message, his profile said, I don't. Okay, guys are always talking about how tall they are. Apparently, women really care, but anyway, this keeps coming up. I know that some women care, but, okay, he said, I am tall. I don't drink as much as my photos show. Did I say that I'm tall? I've written a bunch of books, too. So all I did was say, hey, quick question. Are you tall? Like, that's not that. I read his profile, and he's like, how dare you ask me a personal question? And then we had a funny banter going. Okay? That's all I did. It wasn't like, you're beautiful. It was like, I read one word in it. Okay, so here's another one. I don't know. He was always moving. In his photos, he was like a motorcycle. He was flying, doing stuff. I said, it doesn't appear that anything slows you down. So you have a very congruent profile. I like that in a man. Okay, congruent because he wrote something in there about moving and his pictures were all moving. So that's it. He's like, excellent. He's a vocabulary. So I'm just saying I could go on and on and on. Just don't make it too hard. Don't be stressed out about this. Have fun with it. I like Bumble for women because you're not getting all these guys who are just swiping. Right. You can actually be more selective. But and for the men, men seem to like it too. Oh, one more thing I have to say. Match.com not dead. I think that everyone's like, well, I don't want to do any of that. I know I have several. It's like, it's like a, it's like a resurgence, right? It's like several friends of mine, all different ages are like, you know what I'm doing Match because I like having more in debt. Going in depth on the profile. I that there's that you have to pay for it. And they found some great dates. So again, I can't tell you, you know, and also plenty of fish. People like they like coffee meets bagel, but I haven't tried those yet. But just have some fun with it. Just pick one, not a big deal, few pictures and go for it and let me know how it goes. With that said, okay, I'm going to take a quick break. Give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you everybody for supporting the show, keeping it free, supporting our loyal sponsors. I'll be right back.

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Yes, basically that.

Okay, talk to me. Tell me what's going on. What's the story?

Okay, so this guy Knight that I've been seeing, and we've been dating for a while, he commented, like, when we're intimate, that I'm not very expressive or loud, that I'm. He's like, you're one of the quietest girls I've ever been with. And I was like, oh, well, like, I'm having fun. I really enjoy it. But so how. Like, the question is, how do I get louder? So that way he knows, like, yeah, I really like that. And I really am enjoying this intimate time with you and stuff like that.

Okay, so get louder. Okay, so how does it. He means, like, because he's not getting feedback now. Is this the guy that you've been with for a while? You said your boyfriend?

Yeah, probably two months. So new relationship. But I mean.

He wants you more, like, moaning and like, oh, baby, this is so good. Like, that kind of thing?

Yeah, that's like. Yeah, something so that he knows that he's doing something that I like rather. Then he's just kind of going down There playing. And like, right. Kind of like, okay, whatever.

Which you can understand because he's nervous, Guys. Like, God, there's so many. I'm telling you, Kate, like, my whole life is, like, emails from men. I love it. They're like, I'm so nervous. Am I doing the right thing? You know, like, how do I know what to do? And I'm like, you know, we. And then women, we want them to be mind readers and figure their bodies out. So he just needs some verbal feed. He needs to know that he's doing a good job. And what I often tell guys is follow her body language. Like, is her breath quickening? Is she responding to you? So he just feels like he needs a little bit more cues from you. So you got this. So. So is it more like. So what happens when you're turned on? Do you feel like it just feels uncomfortable to make noises? I get you haven't in the past.

But, yeah.

It'S kind of uncomfortable. Kind of. Like.

Some of it. Some of it is, yeah. Like, because it is kind of like a vulnerable situation to put yourself in.

Right?

Like, you're moaning, you're with this guy, and you're intimate, and it is a relationship. And then. But some of it is like, I don't always. Like, I'm so enjoying the moment. Like, I kind of forget about everything else. And then, like, that something feels good. And then, like, he might move a little bit, and then I'm like, oh, wait, that doesn't feel good. And so, like, when I would make a noise like that, it always seemed like that was right as he was switching. I was like, oh, wait, no, I don't want to continue that behavior.

Oh, I totally get it. So it's like he's getting the negative reinforcement, and he's like, he needs more positive. But you're not doing a purpose. Because I love that you're in the moment and you're having. So you're enjoying it. It's good sex you're having. You're having pleasure and orgasms and stuff, right?

Yeah. Yeah, totally. And, like. And I'm not, like, super shy in front of him. And as we're, like, having more and more sex together, like, I'm opening up more and more, and I'm been like, okay, I'm really trying, babe.

And, like.

And it's nice that he's encouraging me. Like, I would like to hear this because, you know, that's easier because my ex or the guy dating before him, he was very quiet, and I think that made me Very quiet.

Right. See, this is how we learn. We learn like, well, I can't make any noise if he's not making noise. I love this. So, Kate, this is great. I love that he's being communicative to you and telling you what he needs. And so I think that maybe when you. Do you masturbate?

Yes.

Okay, perfect. Good. It's the right answer, I think. Just start practicing because I don't think. Okay, so you're 22 years old. I mean, I don't know how many part years you've had, but it's kind of like a learned thing because our bodies, I think as women, we naturally want to make noises. And I think at some point, because we're masturbating in our parents houses or we're afraid like the guy's gonna think it's weird, or we've got roommates in the dorm or whatever it is, we don't. We like learn to be quiet. But if you naturally pay attention to your own body rhythm, like it really feels good actually to make some noises and to moan. So I think when you're masturbating next time just kind of start to see, like, what would I like? I'm gonna moan a little, like I'm gonna breathe heavy. I'm just gonna see how this feels. And then you could practice by yourself. So you're not doing it just with him. And then it'll become part of your repertoire, you know, do you have roommates? Are you comfortable doing that? Or do you have time alone that you could do it?

Nope, I live alone, which is really. And he lives alone. So it's like a really nice worry about being quiet.

This is perfect.

Super perfect.

Because also, I mean, I feel like I've gotten louder as I've gotten old too, because I real joy like, like making noise sometimes. And for a lot of women, the more noise you make, it actually brings you to orgasm, like faster. And it definitely does turn them. It turns guys on too. So it's like this feedback loop, right? So he's feeling good because you're getting turned out of it. He's like, oh my God, that's so hot. And so he's not necessarily expecting you to say, there's nothing, no right thing. Like, I don't know if you're thinking, oh, he wants me to sound like a porn star, or I don't want to sound like a porn, you know. Is there any of those messages going through your head?

No, no, he's just very like, I just. He wants like A little bit, you know? And nothing. Yeah, no, nothing. Like, okay, good. I need, like, huge dirty talk or anything.

Perfect. So just. I would say masturbate. This will be fun excitement when you're. Just pay attention to your body and, like, practice moaning, like. Because I really think it's, like, right there and we. That we've all repressed it. But I think that, like, it's. It's more of a natural reaction to make noise that we learn not to.

So I think it's just right at the tip there. And then you'll have it down.

Yeah. And it's fun. Good.

This is gonna be fun. Homework assignment. Just go masturbate more. Okay, good. Okay. Thanks for calling, Kate. So awesome to talk to you.

Thank you so much. Yeah, this was fun. Thank you.

Go make some noise. We'll talk to you. Keep us posted. Bye. Bye. I seriously, like, want everyone to call me back and let me know how it goes. Like, I just do now. I'm like, oh, my God, is she gonna moan? And then, like, next time, is he gonna freak out? But the noise thing is funny, I think. I don't think I was always as loud, but I think over time I realized, God, it really does feel good. And I like when men make noises. I've talked about this in the show. Like, when I'm with a guy who makes zero noise, I'm like, is he dead? Is he breathing? Like, what's going on? Are you enjoying yourself? Like, you just. But not to bash anybody, men or women. We get. We masturbate a certain way. We're raised in homes where we told we can't make noise. We're. You know, maybe her last boyfriend didn't make you hear what it is. We get set in these routines, but I think it feels really good. Like, it's like this guttural. Like, for me, it's like part of orgasm, you know? Like, I just. I didn't think about. It just happened. So I love this. Okay, our next call, we have Jill, 38, from Wisconsin, and she's a bi, curious mom seeking sexual playmate. So, Jill, second. Second base with your sexually inexpensive, experienced playmate. But you want more. Should you stick around or find someone new? So tell me what's going on. Jill, hi. Thanks for calling in.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited.

I'm so excited, too. Oh, my God, this is so fun. I know you've been emailing us. There's a lot going on. We gotta break it down. I'm excited to help you with this. Tell me everything. Okay, let's start from where you're at.

Here's what happened.

Okay, go.

Okay. So about four months ago, I sat down with my husband and just kind of.

Vented and let it all out that I've kind of always been attracted to women. And based on how I was raised and my Christian background.

I didn't. I hid it. I didn't really even know it was there. But what I did know, I felt like was wrong or whatever. So I grew up, met the love of my life, who's a man, coincidentally. So I happen have this idealic, like, perfect family. I've got two twin boys who are four. I've got this amazing husband, but I've always felt like something was missing. So this far into my life, it's kind of weird, I know, to kind of have this identity crisis. I realized I am bisexual, and I am who I am and love who I love, and it's me. But I decided that I wanted to kind of do this and look and see what my options were. So I did a little bit of like, Tinder or whatever, and it was okay. I met someone and we were going to meet and her kids were sick. My kids are sick. It just didn't work. So that kind of fell by the wayside. But we have right next door, like, literally next door to me.

Is a friend of mine. And we've gotten to be friends because she has a son who is also four, same as my boys. So they're all little playmates.

They nap at the same time. Perfect. Right?

Right, exactly, exactly. So anyway, we had gotten to know each other a little bit better, and I opened up a little bit about who I am, and she straight up asked me one day if I was bi. And I was so caught off guard that I was like, actually, yes, I am. And it never really came up again after that. And I was like, okay, well, she knows that part of me. I don't have to pretend. So anyway, so I ended up telling her about this girl that I met on Tinder and how we were going to meet and have dinner and just see if we could even be friends, let alone have a sexual attraction. And she persisted on. I mean, she. She didn't want me to do it, and I didn't really understand why. And.

Out in saying it, she would just say things like, are you sure this is a good idea? Are you sure your husband's on board? And that's the thing that it's always come down to for me is my husband has to be on board 100%. And he is, and he's incredibly supportive. Yeah.

And you guys still have sex? You've sex with your husband still? And it's good.

Oh, my gosh. It's phenomenal. It's better now, I think.

Wow. Okay, good. I'm so glad. Okay. Got it. That's good. Okay. So she was discouraging you. Cause she wanted some jail.

Yes. Right. So that's kind of what I was thinking. I was like, okay, what is going on here? Like, why. Why am I getting this weird vibe from her? And if she has an issue, just tell me.

Right.

And so she finally came to me, and we had had a few too many, and she said, I'm not crazy about you meeting this person. And I think that maybe you and I should try to pursue some kind of sexual relationship.

Okay.

And. And I. I've been physically attracted to her since she moved in about a year ago. Just kind of secretly or whatever, like my husband. I just kind of giggle about it sometimes.

And she's become a friend of mine, and so now we're into this friends with benefits scenario. And I know I have my cake and I'm eating it too, but it's kind of awesome.

Great. Love it.

And.

Yeah.

And so my issue is. So. I was so surprised, first and foremost, that she even offered this because she is very.

Sexually inexperienced. Seems like it has a negative connotation. I don't mean it like that. I just mean that she's never even considered being with another woman before.

So you were the catalyst. She had never even thought about it.

Yes.

Okay.

She had never even thought about it. And so now I'm in this situation where it's really fun and all, but I. I want to explore all of it. I want to. I want to learn everything.

Of course she's not going to be your teacher, but it's fun making out with her, but it's not gonna go.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

It's not going anywhere.

Okay.

She doesn't. She doesn't let me go down on her. She. I mean, it's really my. She'll do whatever to me, but I can't reciprocate. And she's convinced that orgasms just don't feel good for her. They never have, they never will. And why bother even trying? But I want to try and.

Right, of course you do.

I want to find out all of this.

Absolutely.

I just want to learn.

And you should. So what's holding you back?

You guys aren't in a relationship. Does she think that you guys are not seeing any other women even though you're married and exploring.

Right? Well, no. And it's just that I haven't had another opportunity come up.

Okay.

Like, it's not that I'm not open to.

Oh, got it.

Hey, next time you're in town, Emily, you know, you never know.

Totally. I've experienced. I've had a good time with it. So, wait, so are you finding other dates right now? So. Because last email, we just. Okay, we answered an email. I think you were about to go on a date, but you said she canceled, so. So are you, like, you're curious about how to find other women right now?

Well, I'm just curious about, like, how far do I push with this friends with benefits that I have? And when do I. And when do I say if you're not gonna let me explore. If you're not going to explore with me, you know, when do I say it's, you know, let's not do this anymore.

Right.

And I don't know.

I mean, do you really like her? Here's the thing. She's friends with benefits. I mean, do you want. It sounds like a lot of work. You already have a husband. I mean, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I know, right?

Yeah. It's like. Okay, so now you're gonna help her get over it. Maybe she. She really doesn't like orgasm. Does she not orgasm with her husband? Does she not masturbate? No.

No. And that's the thing, too. It's like I tell her all the time, like, you're not doing yourself any favors by. I don't. I don't get it. It's like the only sexual anything is with me. And it's like too much pressure, first of all.

Right, but she's only going down on you, so she's not even really getting in. And maybe she's getting turned on by going down on you. I'm.

Right.

But she's not letting you. So I wonder if she. Is she on any meds? Low libido? Premenopausal?

Oh, yeah. She. Well, she's not premenopausal, but she had a baby about seven months ago. Okay, so it's.

I mean, hormones. Yeah.

I know what it feels like after a few months after having a baby, but she's. She's so insistent on spending time with me, but as soon as I do anything with. To her, it's like she stops it.

Or do you think she's insecure about her? How she is down there? Like she's not healed yet or she's just truly her. Yeah, I don't think. I don't know.

And I. And I. I have no problem talking with her about it. I mean, it's almost easier to talk.

Because you're like a girlfriend girl.

But.

Yeah, just be like, listen, this is really fun. But, like, I actually want to reciprocate. Like, I hear from men all the time are like, my girlfriend won't let me go down. Like, I get it. You know, you're from women, so it makes total sense what you're feeling and why wouldn't you? Don't. Yeah. I mean, you could get into, like, trying to solve it, but you don't want to be the one, like, forcing her, like, you know, pinning her down. Unless that she's into that kind of thing. I think that you can. Right? And maybe. But, like, if she's really. Whatever she's going through now, low libido, maybe she's depressed, maybe she's at meds, she's embarrassed by whatever's going on down there right now, who knows? But it's not really your job to fix it.

Right.

I think, like, so when do I give up?

And how do I continue to live next door to her and not have it be awkward?

Well, I think the good news is that you guys are already friends, that you've already known each other for a while, and she doesn't have to know that you're going out and doing other things either. Like, don't feel. I know women. We, like, want to disclose everything. Yeah, but, I mean, you could just, you know, things have come. You've. You really have enjoyed this, but you're just going to go out. She's kind of the kind of woman that wouldn't understand this. Like, I, you know, there's some, like, mean girls. Like, I don't know what she's like, but I think you just got to be honest with her and say, this has been a good time. I really need to have a reciprocal, you know, relationship. I don't want to talk you into anything you don't want to do that doesn't feel comfortable for me. Feels like it's not consensual. I understand. I've been in faith phases in my life where I don't want sex, but since I'm in this really exciting. I'm sure, as you can imagine, neighbor, my husband's giving me this amazing opportunity right now to explore my sexuality in a way that I have not been able to for 38 years. So I'm gonna go do that. I don't have a lot of free time, as you know. I got the kids. She should understand that. You know women, we're so careful and caretaking of our friends. But like, hopefully she's still gonna be your friend and maybe she'll come around. Maybe you guys will keep making out, you'll be going out with other people and you'll come home and you guys will still like, watch a movie and cuddle. I don't know. But I don't think, like, you're trying to overthink it. Do the right thing, but really just be honest with her and then just keep dating. Keep going out there on Tinder, swiping. Do it.

Yeah, I will. That's awesome.

Yeah. Okay. Thank you. You're awesome. I love that you're doing this. Keep me posted. Thanks. Okay. Thanks for calling. I love your email.

It's a middle aged adventure.

Yeah, I love it. It's never too late. Good for you for realizing right now. I know you were saying. Oh, I know it's weird, but to me this is not weird at all. I think it's great. I love that your husband's on board. The whole thing is amazing.

I appreciate that.

Keep us posted. I really appreciate that you're doing the right things.

Thank you. I will. Thanks so much, Emily.

Thanks. Have a good night. Bye. Bye.

Thanks, you too.

See, I remember this email because she was on the show and she emailed about going on her first date with a woman. I didn't realize it was the same woman until we got this. And Anderson was like, she's probably cheating on her husband. The husband doesn't know. I'm like, let's assume that the husband knows. And I love that she. Her husband's cool with it. This is great. And you know, it's never too late to figure. I mean, we were never done growing and learning and expanding our sexual repertoire and exploring. So I like it. Okay, our next call we got Haley, 26, from California, and she just wants to know how to be more approachable. Hi, Haley.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. So good to talk to you.

Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it.

Yeah. Let me just tell me, give me a little background. What's going on? More approachable. What does that mean? What's going on for you?

Okay, so I've been single for about two years now after a five year relationship. I work a lot and I go to the gym a lot. So I was kind of hoping since I'm in A more active lifestyle, that I would meet somebody at the gym. But in the last two years that I've been going to the gym, haven't met anybody. And I even tried going to different gyms, tried to go to, like, CrossFit gyms where smaller groups where it's kind of a little bit easier to, like, meet and meet a little bit. I've tried, you know, going to the bar and stuff like that, and I just don't like meeting people in that kind of environment. I want to actually meet somebody where I can talk and have an actual connection and not just fake interactions with people.

Right. Okay.

So I just.

So. So what's happening? So you're working out a lot? You're at the gym. Are you. So you're saying you don't actually want to meet people at the gym, or are you trying to and it's not working?

Yeah, I'm trying to. Obviously, I'm not interrupting people's workouts, but, like, you know, if I see somebody's doing something, I'm like, oh, hey, how are you doing that? Can you show me? And then they'll show me and they'll just walk. I'm like, okay, never mind.

Well, sometimes, you know what? I think it's more about being like a conversation. You gotta just. Are you smiling?

Yes.

I constantly smile. I constantly go. Sometimes I feel like maybe that's too much. And I try not to, but when I get nervous, I just constantly. A big old smile comes across my face.

That's great. Okay, so maybe it's also, like, your body language, like, putting out there, like you're asking a question and just be like, that was like, are you a flirt? Have you ever been told that you're a flirt?

I don't feel like I'm a flirt.

It feels like you're not goofy. Right.

When I think I'm being sexy and flirty, I just look like a dork.

Okay, well, if you're, like, asking a guy for the position, you'd be like, you know, you could just like. Like the thing about flirting or, like, building conversation, creating striking conversation. It's not like any pickup lines. It's more like observing something that's going on. So let's say you're a CrossFit and you're like, you know, you're observing. You're like, God, is there usually this many people in this. I haven't seen. Have you. You know, without sounding cheesy, you're like, have you come here often? But, like, are there usually this many people in this class, I haven't noticed it. So you observe something. It's not like a yes or no question or that kind of is, I guess you could say, you know, just whatever. Like, this is weird. Do you know why there's so many people here today? And then you observe it and then like he'll make a comment to something and then you like, then you like ask a question, so. Or like you state something on this. Like that's how you build a conversation. So what I'm saying is you observe something, have them comment, you go back and forth, and you start a conversation rather than a yes or no. So maybe just asking them to help you with positioning isn't enough to let them know it's really just practicing the art of conversation. Like you got to think of it like. And maybe you just practice with women as well. Like when you're out and about and there's women and you're talking to them like it could just be anybody. Like, it's really just a skill that we practice and a habit that we. What am I saying? It's a skill that we practice over time and it's a new habit. Like a what I say, it's a habit that we develop. So do you feel my other problem.

Is, is I actually talk too much.

Oh, okay. So you're like uncomfortable. And then you talk, talk, talk, like I just did over explaining talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

And then when I do get a guy to hang out with me for a while, it seems like they hang out with me for about a month and we'll see each other maybe once or twice a week. And then after a month, they're. They move on. And it'll be either ghosting where I don't hear anything from them again, or it'll be me or them saying, hey, you know, it's just not gonna work out. Most in though.

Okay, so this is it. Have you been in a long. You're 26 years old. Have you been in a long term relationship before?

All of my relationships have been long term. This is actually the first time that I've ever just dated.

Oh, that's good though. That's healthy. I think it's good that.

Yeah, no, I'm.

You're figuring I'm enjoying it.

It's just lonely sometimes because I live by myself and most of my friends are married and have kids. So I'm at that point where I'm getting ready where I want to spend time with somebody now.

Right. Well, it sounds like, I mean, really the best Way to meet people oftentimes is through other friends. So I get that you're saying that they're all married. I can't at 26, they're all married.

Already kids in the small community that I live in.

Yeah, that happens. I totally get it. What about like joining extra, like to join groups in the gym or like, are there like take classes, things that you're interested in? There's so many like different singles groups and stuff now. Like singles wine tasting night, you know, cooking class, like putting yourself out there in ways that you're probably going, oh, that's cheesy, that's cliche. But if everybody there single and that's why they're there, then you get the practice of like, it's not just one on one. There's a group of people around. You start conversation with women, men, and you're doing something that you all like, like really making the effort. And I know it's so easy to stay home in your little comfortable place and not go out, but if you commit to doing one thing outside your box a month, a week, it's so.

Easy for me to stay at home and not go out.

I've been there. I did it the last nine months. I swear to God. I was like, I'm not ready. I don't feel like it. And I'm forcing myself. I'm like, I'm gonna say yes to everything. Like, you know those Facebook invites that you get that you never read? I don't know if you read them, but they'll be like, come to this, come to that. Oh yeah. So I'm just like, I'm gonna say yes. So you look at those, you're like, I wouldn't go to that. Just why not just say yes. Be like, I'm gonna say yes to everything that comes my way or like yes to wan week and just commit to me. Now that you're going to do that, put yourself in a situation that you wouldn't normally. Because we all would rather stay home on the couch. I swear to God. I think that's we all just want to get in relationship so we have someone to watch TV with and have sex with. I get it. But going out there will be great for you, a great experience and just a new experiences too. Because I find when I have said yes to things that I don't want to, I never regret it. I'm like, oh, I met. Even if it wasn't date, if I met someone, like a new person, new contact, a new friend, like for work, you Never know. So the opportunities are there, but it's about putting. It's like a numbers game, putting yourself in different situations. So.

Okay.

And then you'll get practice.

I'll definitely look into that.

Yeah. Okay, good. I don't think it's. These guys are dumping you or doing anything wrong. We don't get into any of that. They just weren't right. But you need more options. And you sound like great person, great personality. I would just get on just like, looking at those things that you wouldn't. When you first say, I don't want to do that. Just do it. It's one night of your life, one day. Okay.

All right. Sounds good. Yeah, I'll definitely try that.

Okay, good. Keep us posted. Let me know how it goes.

Okay. Thank you so much, Emily.

Thanks, Haley. Talk to you soon.

All right, bye. All right. And have happy holidays.

Happy holidays to you, Emily. Okay. Say hi. Say yes to all those holiday parties.

Okay, I will.

Okay. Bye, Haley. Bye.

Have a nice day.

You too. That really works. I did this. I like when I was in San Francisco, I went through this similar period and I said yes to everything that came my way for like a month. And it was amazing. I ended up meeting a guy that I dated for a while. I made all the. My business was better than ever. Cause I just, like started meeting people that were just like, you know, in my line of work. And I just. I don't know, it just feels good. Because again, I do think it's like this. We all would rather stay home at the end of the day. It's getting cold. It's winter. We wanna hunker down. But if it feels so much better to connect, we all need each other. The human touch. It's the holidays and it just, you know, we get our own heads. But once we go out there, we connect. We all. We need each other. We can't go through this world alone. So even if you're making friends, everyone get yourself out there. This was fun. I really love the calls. Okay, you guys, so please keep emailing me and going to the website sexwithemily.com and clicking on the Ask Emily. And I'm asking your questions. If you're like, jonesing for the emails because you love the emails, I've got an email for you. Okay. This is from Ashley. Hey, Emily. How can I clear my mind during sex? I'm often distracted easily by outside noises or thoughts in my head. I try to clear my mind and enjoy the sensations of my partner. But sometimes I try too hard and the moment is gone. Thank you, Ashley. 28, California. Ashley, such a good question. God, we all are. We live in such distractible society now. Like everything distracts us, right? You know, the phone, someone makes a noise and we're out of our head. Like you hear something down the hallway, we're thinking about our to do lists. Staying in the moment is harder than ever. So how you clear your mind during sex is that you just keep. You said that. Okay, so you're saying, Ashley, that you try and you enjoy the sensations, but then you try too hard. So I think that you've said it right here that you are being really hard on yourself and that you're thinking that there's some like, right formula, like I need to only focus on sensations and then if I think of my partner, I am wrong. And then if I think about.

Outside noises, I'm bad. I think that you are judging yourself really harshly in the moment too. So I mean, I could tell you keep going back to the sensations in your body, which actually really does help. But if you're also judging yourself for that, I can just say that don't even think about the end goal being orgasm. Think about the end goal being connection and intimacy with your partner. So for you, for maybe for you it's like eye contact. Like maybe if you make more eye contact with your partner that might help you stay in the moment. Or for some people it's like talking dirty or like taking your mind. Like if there's nothing going on, I can understand why your mind is like might get distracted with other things or trying a new position or like amping up the foreplay. Like maybe you give him a massage and he gives you a massage. It's really, really common though that the noises are going to distract you because there's, you know, we can't quiet down the noises in our head or outside. So you can also practice like, I don't know how often you masturbate. I hope you do right self love. It's great all the time, especially this time of year when we're all stressed out. But if you know your body really well, like you through masturbation and again, we're never done learning. There might be some like go to positions that you know, might make it it easier for you to to orgasm or to be in the mood. So if you do know those, those would be great to explain to your partner as well that you want to like be trying some new things or like communicate with your partner about what you want because that will also help you Feel more connected to your partner if you really learn to communicate what you want. I don't know how long you guys have been together and maybe you're not even in a relationship. Maybe you're just saying in general it's happening. So I would say just practice with whoever you're with and just say, you know what, this is what I want, this is what I need. Because then you're being open and more vulnerable. And that just as a byproduct of being vulnerable and open to someone, it can often help you stay present and have that orgasm. So, I mean, honestly, it's a lifelong. I meditate. I really, I try so hard to go back to the moment sometimes, and I don't beat myself up anymore when I don't. So just keep going back to those sensations and don't beat yourself up when you're with the thoughts. And the end goal doesn't have to be orgasm. Just, you know, enjoy what's happening in the moment with your partner and figure out what really turns you on. Here's the other thing. Fantasy. I know that there's a lot of judgment we have around fantasy. We think, well, if I'm with someone, I shouldn't be fantasizing. And I know this might sound contradictory because you're like, well, you're telling me to stay on the sensations. If that's not working for you. There is nothing wrong with bringing in that fantasy that go to sexual thought that you have when you're masturbating or, you know, hey, when you're with a partner, even if it's not about the person that you're with, it's totally okay. Our brain is our largest sex organ. That's what's going to bring you to orgasm. So if you can't stay focused, the task at hand, don't feel bad about bringing in some fantasy and some image in your head, in your mind that's going to get you there. So, you know, that'll work too. So try any one of these things and I think you'll be well on your way. Thanks for asking the question, Ashley.

All right, this was fun. Love taking the calls. I love hearing from all of you. Love reading the emails, all of it. Don't feel bad if you don't want to call in. You can still send an email or leave a voicemail. So thank you, everybody for listening. Have a wonderful happy holidays. I'm grateful for all of you. It's such a gift having you all in my life. And thank you to my amazing team. Thank you to Madison and Lori and Jamie and Eddie and Ken and Michael here doing the sound new member of the team. Hopefully you'll come back. Thank you all for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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