Sex Over the Holidays: From Hooking Up to Breaking Up

Sometimes it's not just about the sex. We call it sex like we haven't had sex in a while, but it could just be exactly that. Haircut, the hand grazing, the hand holding, the eye gazing. Just feeling like you're connected to your partner and that you have each other's back this time of year while still prioritizing your relationship.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Tis the season for more sex. Today producer Erica and I dive into the reasons why people have more or less sex over the holidays, how to maintain intimacy when you're staying with relatives, and my top discreet toy recommendations. We also get into relationship dynamics over the holidays. Should you break up before or after? Should you bring them home to meet the parents? Should you hang out with your holiday hookup and so much more. Please rate and review Sex With Emily. Wherever you listen to this show, just do it right now. It's so super easy to do on whatever app you're listening on. We so appreciate it. My new 2023 holiday gift guide is up on sexwithemily.com so it is your one stop shop to give pleasure to everyone on your list. So check it out right now. We spent a lot of time curating this gift guide. We want it to be a great mix for everyone on your list. It's sensual. It's sexy. Even if you don't want to get someone something outwardly sexy, you can get them like the best robe you've ever felt. There's some body oils. I just think you're going to love it. Check it out and let me know what you all right everyone. Enjoy this episode.

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As you all know, we are approaching the thick of the holiday season. There's Thanksgiving this week, then Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and New Year's are coming up. So it's important to have this conversation today. Everyone, listen up. We want to talk about sex and relationships over holiday breaks because according to the data, sex peaks sharply during this time.

I can't tell if this is surprising to me or not.

I've heard both sides of it for so many years that when people are really stressed and they're traveling and there's a lot going on, sometimes they put sex on the back burner. But let's go with this trend that people are actually having more sex this time of year, which makes sense because really, at the end of the day, it's about celebration. You're celebrating the holidays. You're with your family. So here's why. The reasons why people are having a spike. Well, first, you're on vacation. Every time we're on vacation, we. Vacation sex. I love vacation sex. It makes sense because you're away from home. You don't have all the stressors, which a lot of the things that's keeping us from having sex throughout the year and when we're not on vacation is because there's just so much distraction and so much in our midst. So if you're traveling for the holidays or you've time off, you essentially are on vacation. But also cuffing season. There is pressure to meet someone this time of year. We know that it's going to be cold. You got the long winter months. We're home more.

Not to trigger everyone by mentioning Covid, but it's kind of like the COVID Like, everyone just moved in together so fast. And I feel like relationships accelerated during that time. And I guess we've kind of always had a shorter version of that that was gonna end.

But with COVID we're like, well, it's a. We are committed to cuffing season. Yeah.

The COVID comes season.

Cuffing season. Yeah. How was that going for you? I think this is good, though, to point this out, because it's probably like you might be in a cuffing season right now. But don't make any drastic choices or decisions right now because it might just be because, like, it's getting colder outside. When it's chilly out, it feels good to be physically close to somebody, sit in front of a fireplace and binge on a bunch of series that you've been wanting to catch up on. But spring will be right around the corner. Let's just be careful about the choices we make. But enjoy this season because dark, cold lights, it says, can trigger an intense feeling of loneliness and a drop in serotonin. So it makes sense though with seasonal affective disorder and that there is a significant link between coughing season and just feeling blue when it gets darker outside earlier and gets colder.

Totally. And if you have to be inside more, it's more fun to be inside with someone else.

It really is. So winter also may boost your sexual attraction. There's a study that found that men's assessments of women's attractiveness changed seasonally and men found women's bodies more attractive in the winter than in the summer. Researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller from the Kinsey Institute said that when women were sexier, more revealing clothes in the summer months and bundle up in the winter, the standard of bodily comparison is much higher. When it's warmer outside because, you know, we're showing lots of skin, the bar for what qualifies as hot is set higher. Everyone's showing a lot of skin during the summer so that the bar for what's qualifies as hot is set higher. But in the winter we don't see our skin as much. And so it becomes more novel and arousing to look at.

Leah Millhiser, who's the director of the Female Sexual Medicine Program at Stanford, says that there's an emotional component to the holidays, noting that there's something nostalgic about that time of year. Regardless of religious affiliation, those sentimental feelings can increase the desire to feel more connected, to be more romantic with partners, including being more intimate.

Also, another notion is we're having more sex because you're starting to think about New Year's resolutions. This is interesting for couples in long term relationships. They might be reflecting on the previous year and want to give added attention to their relationship. So maybe one of their goals is having more sex. Maybe they look back on the year and they're like, you know, we did not get it on enough. Let's start now. We're feeling like, you know, we're inside, we're with the family, we're feeling nostalgic. All those Things would make sense and like, let's really try to connect more and have more sex and bring in the new year with a bang. Maybe that's where the saying came from.

You can revamp your sex life any time of year. But New Year's is a great opportunity to have that conversation with your partner that you've been meaning to have.

Yeah. If you haven't had a sexual conversation with your partner all year or ever, it's a great time. You're probably off work, you're traveling, maybe, or you just have more time. This is also saying, like, when we slow down and we don't have all the distractions of busy life, a lot of us are working and there's just. It's hard to really think about the connection with our partners and sav sex. But this is going to like, when our bodies slow down, our minds slow down, we feel more embodied, and then we're able to kind of be more connected. So it's a good time of year to have these sex conversations that I'm always encouraging everyone to have. Speaking of New Year's, Erica, turns out women have less sex at Christmas, but peak on New Year's. Yeah, this is what the study said. This makes sense. I don't even think I need a study to show us that we know that personally. My libido's out spiking over Christmas in the holidays.

Why do you think that is for.

You personally, personally, because you're traveling, you're taking care of family, you're putting everyone first. There's lots of gifts to buy. There's lots of end of year business stuff. It's just hard to keep sex top of mind that unless I was off in some tropical destination and it happened to be December 25th. Maybe, but that's not usually the case, so. But New Year's, of course, it's like, okay, we did it. We made it through all the madness and let's party, you guys.

If Emily's libido is not rocking in December, then you all have permission. But we do want to give people some tips to combat that as well. This same study is basically talking about how women are so bogged down by all the responsibilities you were just talking about when would they have time for sex or to want sex.

Right, Exactly. We got the family responsibilities, we've got gifts, we got last minute gifts, we've got food responsibilities. Like there's no time. And if you think you're busy throughout the year and then you put on top of it, you know, holidays, you Know, women just tend to take on more of the family responsibilities. Sex might not be top of mind. Yes, that happens to me too. I want to normalize that. But now that we're talking about it now I realize that the stress is coming. This is helping me as well, guys. So I realize the holidays are going to get stressful, so what can I do this year to make sure that I am prioritizing time with my partner? Will we go away? Yeah, go see his family. Where I see my family.

Oh, my gosh, husbands. If you want to have more sex, why don't you try cooking the turkey or taking on some of the responsibilities? Then you might just have more sex.

Exactly. You've seen this time and again when we tend to help around the house, no matter what your gender, help your partner with whatever they need, help with childcare, the home, whatever. It gives us more time to feel connected to you and be more turned on.

Prioritizing pleasure is hard enough over the holidays, and I feel like it's even harder when you're going to stay with family. Or what if you're staying in your childhood home and you grew up and you were just like, I can't be sexual in this space.

I've had so many of those experiences because I've had many boyfriends. I've gone home for the holidays. And, you know, this was definitely in our 20s and 30s. But there's certain parents, they're still not okay that you're together and you're not married. Remember that sex isn't just about, like, penetration. So still prioritizing connection with your partner, whether it's just holding hands, having conversations, making sure that you're there for each other in the ways that maybe you haven't been, I think that's super important.

Like, even those little grazes of the shoulder as you pass by, or like a hand behind the back. I think just those touch points of connection really go a long way, especially when there's so many other factors. And yeah, you might not have a moment to yourself in, like, a room alone to engage in anything more than that, but at least you know you're connected.

Sometimes it's not just about the sex. We call it sex like we haven't had sex in a while, but it could just be exactly that, Erica. The hand grazing, the hand holding, the eye gazing, just feeling like you're connected to your partner and that you have each other's back this time of year while still prioritizing your relationship.

And for some people, the taboo of having sex in like your childhood bedroom could be a turn on in the opposite direction. Speaking of going home for the holidays, we have to address this question because I think this is a classic question. Where are good places to have sex when you're at home for the holidays?

Okay, so you want to have sex for the holidays. Great. Stress relief. Important to connect. You could offer to go run errands, you and your partner. And you could hook up in the car. Love that. I know it's illegal, but you could probably find some dirt road when everyone's sleeping, go into another room. Although this is reminding me of this. So I had this boyfriend when I went home over Christmas once, and he also lived in Michigan. We hadn't seen each other a while, and my family was sleeping, and I had him come over and we had sex on the back patio. And then I talked about it on the podcast. And my mom listens to the podcast and told my mom. She's like, I didn't know you had sex with John. I was like, mom, how do you know that? She's like, well, Barb was listening to the podcast and told me. I'm like, oh, my God.

And speaking of being discreet, you're such a fan of toys. I'm now such a fan of toys. But sometimes, you know, some are better to travel with than others.

You don't want your really loud toys. You definitely want discreet toys and toys that don't necessarily look like sex toys. Although, side note, a lot of toys don't look like traditional sex toys anymore. But I have always loved the JJU products because their products have a quiet motor. It's great quiet. So that makes it discreet because people won't be able to, like, hear your vibrator rumbling. So I would highly recommend them. And they just look elegant. So the Mimi by JJU is always in my travel kit. It fits in palm of your hand. Feels really good. Kind of looks like a stress ball or one of those things. So either way, I like the Mimi. And they also have a bullet, like a G spot bullet vibe.

I think that's become my new favorite.

Oh, really? Did you?

Yes. Because if you all missed our holiday episode last year, we all tried different products, and that was mine, and it stayed my go to this past year. It's great.

It is a great one because it's powerful. You see what I'm saying? It's powerful. It's discreet.

Exactly. And what Emily's saying is those rumbly vibes, it's great because it's. It's discreet and quiet. But Also, it just feels different. It's less buzzy and it's more of an erotic experience, I feel.

Yeah, it is. It is. And it feels good in your hand, doesn't it too? Just that, yeah. Oh, my God, the material is so good. Oh, I'm glad you like the tea. We haven't revisited this in a while. I love that one too. In fact, I gotta find mine and charge that. Lelo has this dot clitoral toy and it's a really cool toy because it looks like an electric toothbrush, but it has a little point to it. So you can easily target pleasure points on your body. You could use it really, no matter what your body parts. I think it's just a really cool looking toy and feeling toy. And it's quiet. And then the womanizer. If you're into suction toys and who isn't, they have this smart silent technology in their Womanizer Premium. So when you use it, it makes a noise, but when you stop using it or you pull it away from your body, it automatically turns off. And they literally call it smart silent technology.

It's pretty crazy. I don't know how they develop that. I hope it's literally the moment you take it off your body, it stops. And then you. The moment you put it back on it, it's on again.

I don't know how it knows. It's magic.

It's magic.

The whole suction toy market is just magic. And by the way, these are all on my shop site. And for Black Friday Cyber Monday, we do have sales going on, so you haven't checked it out, but Friday's episode. This week we're gonna talk about how to gift sex toys. So tune in for that one and which ones I recommend, hopefully.

Now we've convinced people that sex toys are essential for their travel kits. So how do you travel with sex toys? Carry on. Check in.

The best way to travel with sex toys is to. If you're checking your suitcase, I would just put it in your suitcase so you don't have to worry about it. But you shouldn't have to worry about it because they are legal in most states. I think there actually are a few states where they're still legal. That's cool to look that up. I don't think anyone's ever gone to jail for having a sex toy in their luggage. But I have had the whole going through security and it starts to buzz. So put it in your shoes, wrap it in a sock, and then put your socks in your shoes. Depending on the size of it or put it in your dopp kit. You definitely want to wrap it up in something so it doesn't start going on its own. And then you lose the charge. And then you got the toy. It's not working because it was like your entire flight, the vibrator was on. You don't want that. Or if it's in your carry on. I would do the same thing. I would wrap it up into something so it doesn't turn on. Meaning, like you could wrap a sock around it, a scarf, and then throw it in like a little pouch in your bag. They're legal to take through. I mean, you might get flagged for it, but I. When that's happened to me, sometimes your bag just gets checked and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's my sex toy. I just say it really loud because I want to be like, there's no shame in it. But I could imagine for others, that is a nightmare. Don't get on the naughty list. I mean, unless you want to stay right where you are until we're back from a quick break. But before we go, I do want to mention that Jaejoo is having their biggest sale ever. They truly make some of my favorite toys. And from November 10th through November 28th this year, they're offering up to 50% off their products. Did you hear what I said? 50% off. That's crazy. So don't miss it. Head to Jaesoo.com right now to take advantage of these amazing deals. That's J e J o u e dot com. Okay, be right back.

So now we just talked about sex over the holidays. How about relationships? Just what's going on in your relationship. It can be stressful. There's a lot of things that happen over the holidays. Maybe there's certain milestones. Meeting the family for the first time, sometimes that makes the most sense because that's when you know your family's gonna be together.

True.

Depending on your family. Again, you have to see how adaptive is your family. If you don't feel great with your family, might not be the time that you wanna introduce them to your significant other. But most of all, and overall, if you can ground in the fact that the holidays are about religion and connection and family, that it could be a great time to meet someone.

And with that, I feel like it's a lot of couples first time traveling together too.

That is a huge.

That's a huge milestone.

I mean, I think that when you travel with somebody for the first time or take a vacation with them, take note you learn a lot about somebody when you travel with them and you get out of your comfort zone at home or whatever routine that you're into. And so I think it's important. Like, are they helping plan the trip? Do they know where the gate is? Do they expect you to do everything? Are they also taking care of themselves? I think you just learn a lot about who your partner is out in the world by the way they travel. People don't change a lot too. Remember this. We're all imperfect, and we're all gonna do things that's gonna drive someone else crazy, or your partner's gonna do something that drives you crazy. But these signs are usually there very early on in a relationship. So just say, like, okay, they almost missed a flight. This might happen every time we travel. You know what I mean? Or they didn't know how to pack or they forgot something or they're super scared. Flyers. Just know that. Take that note and say, okay, I'm just gathering information. Remember when we first start dating somebody? It's not that you have to make judgments. I'm not saying judge. I'm just saying take note. You're gathering details. When we are first dating somebody, what am I learning about this person? What do I know? What am I learning about us together? And then you just continue to look at, like, is this something that we both can handle? Can we work on it so there's no surprises five years in when you're like. And the fact that you were a terrible traveler, it's like you knew that you learned that Christmas the first year.

Right.

Very rarely is it new information. It's just stuff that sort of graded on our nerves for a while, and then we take a look at it.

I feel like we overlook a lot of things, especially in the beginning.

Yeah, we really do. In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, we are on honeymoon for at least a year, year and a half. Like, this person can do no wrong.

Did you guys hear that? That was something I did not know before working here, that the honeymoon phase can last up to a year and a half.

And then from there, you've pretty much seen them through all the seasons, through probably a crisis or death or an illness or a financial situation, a travel situation, a work thing. Like, you've seen how people in their life, their friends, their partners, their work, how they are with animals and wait staff and children. And you have enough data at that point after two years to then think about, could this be my person? Do we want to live together? Do we want to get married? Do we want kids? Whatever it is that you want, I think it takes a cycle. It takes that about that long to get to know someone, so. And then the real work begins and the fun perhaps, hopefully. Let's get into this email. This is from Confused in the countryside and she's 27 years old. Hi Dr. Emily. I'm a newer ish listener in the last year and your podcast has really helped me better understand how to talk about some otherwise uncomfy sex ideas. So thank you. Well, you're welcome. I'm so glad you found the show and I'm glad it's helped you. So what do I do if I feel like I've met a wonderful guy that is thoughtful and totally into me and funny and smart, but I can't help but notice the ways in which I. I'm not as physically into him. It might sound terrible, but there are some physical based things like height and age that really aren't my preference. I also know that I'm not perfect aesthetically either. Initially, when we went on dates, I remember thinking that I wasn't going to pursue it further. But it was nice to feel wanted and he was incredibly sweet and slowly I felt some feelings come on. After a couple months, we made it exclusive. After my hesitancy. Despite this, I constantly, constantly miss the usual type of guy I would hook up with. And I find myself daydreaming about this type of guy. I know it sounds awful and just like, why don't you just break up with him? But now I'm scared that I found this incredible person, albeit reluctantly, that understands my needs and is thoughtful and cool and this is one of those things I need to grow up about. I know looks fade, but I also feel like deep down this is unfair to him. Is it bad to break up with someone because I don't feel like it's who I'm very attracted to? Is this a maturity thing that I need to learn to grow out of? I also feel so horrible doing this so close to the holidays. Please send advice. Thank you. There's a lot here. Okay. First, if you're not attracted to them, and it's pretty early in the relationship, it's really hard to create that down the road. It's hard to just think it's gonna hit you over the head. This person sounds like he's wonderful and he's all the things but sexual attraction. But that's not just a side note. That is, the separation between friends and lovers is somebody that you actually are intimate with. So I don't think that's a small thing. I don't think you're a jerk for thinking about these things. The one thing I want to address here, too, is this scarcity mindset. This person is so great, and what if I never find someone again? What if they're the only one? What if they are the person and they're the one that got away? I don't believe in that. Or if you're kinder to yourself around these things, like, you did the best you could in that moment when you were dating that person and it wasn't right at that time, time of life, or the place you're at. And so therefore, it is not working and you are making a decision to move on from the relationship. But this whole, like, what if I was wrong and I should go back to it right now you're having some suffering around this relationship and it's not working. So just know that you will find somebody else who does feel better. It's not like this is this person the last man on earth, and you're going to run out all of your resources, and after this, it's just going to be a dry desert out there that, like, never happens, but it is a common thing. I. I actually talked to someone today, a friend of mine who's going through divorce, and she said the same thing. She's like, what if we never find someone else? But I. I know people say this in their 20s and their 30s, and I used to do that too. There's plenty of people out there. You're going to find your person.

Let's get into this holiday component, too.

That's a big one.

Before, during, or after, like, what's the move?

There's so many different theories to this. Like, before is like, then you don't have to deal with gifts. You don't have to see their families. You have more time for your life, and you just. Just kind of ripping the band aid off. So that's one note is the gift thing. And like, not dragging it out for so long. If you know, because the holidays, you're having a lot more time together, more money, more travel, all the things. And then you're like, if you're the back of your head, you're like, this is going nowhere. This is ending on January 1st. It might be nice just to do it. And then during, I don't recommend that you do it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

Oh, my God, guess what?

Santa brought you a breakup. A. I'm dumping your happy holiday. The holidays bring up a lot More loneliness and a lot more feelings of nostalgia, as we talked about. And it just can be very challenging to be alone over the holidays. However, if you know that this person isn't your person, then break up before the holidays. You're saving more gifts, you're saving holiday travel, and you're just sort of deciding that, I know this person's gonna be my life. I know the relationship is just not gonna work, and I'm just gonna do us both a favor. It's gonna be hard, but we're not gonna spend time together.

Mm. And I could see the holidays, for some people being a nice distraction if you're constantly surrounded by other people. But I also understand everyone is always asking about your relationships anyways, that I feel like sometimes after a breakup, the last thing I want to talk about.

Yeah, that's true. Then you tell your family why you broke up over the holidays. You might as well just bring them home with you, Right? What's worse, the thing is, if you know that you're going to break up with someone, you know, you're certain they probably know it's coming. They can feel the energy. They know that maybe things aren't so great. And it. When you know you're going to leave someone, it's probably best to do it as soon as you can. So confused in the countryside, you got to do you. Is it bad to break up with someone? Because I don't feel like it's who I'm attracted to? So, no. If you're not into somebody and it's not working for a reason that is genuine and authentic to you, you are not a bad person. You are someone who's honoring your genuine feelings. And then if it's in a maturity thing that you have to learn how to grow out of, that's going to continue throughout your life. You're going to want to be attracted to the person that you're in a relationship with. And then the holidays, again, you're just being hard on yourself here. If you know that you're going to do it, you got to look at what's ahead of you this holiday season, what makes sense. And this is someone you're not attracted to. And I'm just wondering if there's other things going on as well. You sound really clear, because I was going to say, sometimes we think it's one thing, but there's a lot of other things going on. But you were being very clear that it's. This person is great, but just you're not attracted to them.

Before we wrap this episode. I want to ask you one more question. I want to ask about the holiday hookups. That one person who hits you up every Thanksgiving week, every Christmas week, and they know, hey, are you going to be in town? Are you home for the holidays? And you either see them every year or you decide to cut it off. What do you think about this holiday hookups? Can they be healthy? How long is too long for that to go on?

Well, I think, think if it still feels healthy, is it a positive experience every year? Do you look forward to it? And then after you feel just as good. But if it's controversial or it's stressful or you're not sure if you're going to meet up or it doesn't feel great when you do, and then you have a longing for this person and it's not returned and it becomes more stressful or anxiety producing, then no. But if it's a fun little tryst once a year and you get to see each other, check in and it's not a lot of drama and not a lot of demands on your time, but it just has a feel good little rendezvous, then I say it's fine. I say it's healthy. But these things probably only last a while until you get into some other relationship. So I think it's a fun time. It's fun time to go home. When you go back to your hometown and you see all your friends from high school or whatever and you're all out being adults in the world and that could be a fun time of year.

Did you ever have a holiday hookup?

I did. I used to have someone that I went when I go back home to Michigan that I saw. I think what happens is it's really fun. For a few years you go on these stages and it was a really fun person to see. And then I think I moved to California, got into a relationship. He also got into a relationship. And then eventually, like I met his wife, he met my boyfriend because I used to have different boyfriends I brought home. Yeah. And then we just stayed friends. You know, I'm friends with a lot of exes, but it was fun until it wasn't like most relationships. The problem is we get locked into relationships sometimes before we realize that they're not our person. But these are kind of nice because you just realize that we're not committing. We didn't promise we were going to be lovers forever. We're just like lovers every year around the time Santa comes around.

Yeah.

And then we.

Santa comes and so do we.

Exactly. Santa comes and so do we. Until we don't.

Yeah, until we don't. Love that. Ah, what a fun episode.

Fun, everybody. Happy holidays, everyone. Hope this helped everyone feel a little bit more grounded and focused for the holidays. And you can prioritize pleasure or not or you know when you need to do it. Maybe you're gonna wait till New Year's Eve, but just throughout this, remember to be kind to yourself, patient with yourself, take time away from the family. If you need to take time for yourself, remember that masturbation, a little bit of release, solo sex can feel great and you deserve it. And make sure that you stay tuned for this Friday's episode because we're gonna be giving you all of the best gifts to you by everyone on your list. Bye.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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