Sex, Porn, & (Erika) Lust

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just Play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out everything on our website. I've got Deputy Jamie here to tell you about some awesome blogs. She's in charge of all that and our website is killing it. Hello. Hi, Jamie.

If you didn't hear Emily talk about it all the time on the podcasts, she has an amazing site and I'm fortunate enough to be able to curate some of these blogs up here. And one that we were really, really passionate about that Emily herself was like, you know, I really want to get this on the site. I want people to know the history of sex. We need to go back to the history of things to really understand where we came from and where we're going from there. So we have a blog up here, it's History of Sex Part one. Because there's going to be many parts anciently turned on.

Right.

So in this blog we kind of go through just some of the ancient civilizations like the Romans, the Chinese, the Greek, the Egyptians and how these sexual taboos that we have today weren't always around and somewhere along the lines they developed. And it's really interesting to see how open society used to be. So you should definitely go and see.

Cause we might be going back in that direction. It's always an option. We don't have to stay where we're at now sexually.

Right.

And there's so much beautiful art.

I know. True that, Jamie. Thank you. And also have a good sex party.

Yes. One of our lovely volunteers, she wrote it. It's great. It's about, you know, just different places like because people email us where a lot where to find these sex parties, like where do we go to find these things? And she gives you a bunch of different ways to find it, which also can actually help you find if you're looking for a third or a fourth or a couple to swing with or any of those things, it's really informative. So if you're looking for that, definitely go to our site.

Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for all your epic work. It's amazing. Also you guys, you can subscribe and review the show and comment on itunes. I love reading your comments. In fact, this week one, that was a great comment, was compassionate, fun and nothing I've heard before. It was a five star review. So thank you to CL CL101. Click, click, click, click, click, click. Oh, I get it. Click. Thank you for your review, we appreciate that. Also you guys, sign up for our newsletter if you haven't yet. You know, we do give great emails. People say they like it. We still send it out once a week. As always, you can me on social media, exwithemily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter. And also on Instagram, you should follow our hashtag sexwithemily, because that's fun. Because now you can follow all the hashtags you want. And I love hearing from you. We've been doing a lot on their Instagram lives. It's a good time. We just did one of today's show, so I hope you enjoy my discussion with Erica Lust. I had such a good time. I'm so energized. I'm literally gonna fly to Barcelona and maybe start making porn. Who knows? Enjoy the show. Okay. I'm talking to Erica Lust, and Erica Lust is an extraordinary woman who started changing the way we all see porn. She's making porn. That's. How do you even say, okay? So I used to say, you're what? I started female friendly porn. But that doesn't even work. I feel like that does a disservice because I want everybody to watch your porn. So ethically consumed, ethically created.

Yeah, all this. Okay. But then also, I've been through so many different kind of words or says that I've been trying to use during years. You know, I also kind of started out saying porn for women because I. I felt that we were as, you know, one of women were left out outside the mainstream porn. So I kind of started that way. And then I got more into the say of feminist porn because it felt like, no, but I'm a feminist. And it's really about, you know, women behind the camera and how we, you know, participate in this and how we women. And then it got more and more popular to talk about, you know, alt porn, alternative porn, indie porn, vanguard porn, artistic porn, ethical porn. That is starting to become. But I think all of these, they are really expressions of, you know, people's needs to find a new way of defining porn. Because we have been so used to the tubes online, and nowadays it's like, that's what we really think about as porn, right? But there's hundred and thousand types of different porn that's out there. And I guess the best way of collect them all would be under like, some kind of indie adult porn label.

Indie, adult, ethical. I just feel like when you start putting things like female or ethical people, like, I don't want to watch, like, porn, like, that'll be like, ethical. It's like, and.

And and with it, with the feminist porn, the funny thing is that, that when you say that to people, they go like, what is that? That's like a bun, a lot of hair around their arms and they put on the strap ons, you know, and they're like this army ready to fuck the men. And you go like, no, that's not at all feminist porn.

All I can tell you is that it is super sexy, hot porn that if I could have thought of the kind of porn I wanted to see before I saw your porn, it is the exact porn that I would make that I would want to watch. And I even sent one to this guy that I guess I call my such a hard time. He's my boyfriend. I'm really not great, so. And he was like, yes, I love eroticized porn. I'd be so into watching this with you because I just got your site, which is amazing. So let's back up and talk about why your porn is different. It's cinematic. It's so just beautifully shot. There's stories, but it's just, it's real. And the women are portrayed as very authentic human beings.

Not as, you know, blow up dolls. And then men are not portrayed as this kind of penetrative sex machines going on aggressive there to punish, fuck and destroy all women on this planet. That is one of the things that I feel many times with mainstream porn. Especially when I, you know, sometimes go to the tube sites and I start, you know, navigating around and I get pissed off when I see the kind of language that they are using. It's so sexist, so racist, many times even homophobic. It's like dividing people into these fetishized little groups.

And so what do we do? Is it kind of like if you can't fight porn and make good porn, like I feel like that's what you're doing. And part of me is like, I really am watching your stuff and getting ready, you know, for your show and thinking about it. Like, I think I want to leave and go off and make one of your films because I want to direct something.

Yes.

Just like everybody needs to in a way. Because what you're saying is we're trying to fight this huge machine, I guess, of who are the men that are making all this porn?

It's a very good question. It's a very good question. And I think it's interesting, an interesting point of view because most of these men, because obviously it's an industry driven by men. And sometimes, you know, people, they say, no porn, the porn Industry is a very feminist industry because women earn more money than men. Because they think about like five names of very famous porn stars. That earns a lot of money. But then be realistic. Who earns the money in this business? I mean, it's the companies, it's the producers, it's the distributors, really. And if you think about the people making porn, then you realize that it's. They are quite similar, even if they live in Budapest or Barcelona or Los Angeles or Buenos Aires or whatever. But it's the same kind of man, you know, a man that's interested in boobs and ass and his drinks and his cars and getting into the VIP room with a big bottle of. You know, that's the kind of man who is making born. There are very few creative minds out there. Very few, let's say film directors, artists, people with visions and ideas.

So my question is, is it like the tail is wagging the dog or is it dog wagging the tail? In the sense of if more people were able to see the porn that you made and that was the porn that was out there, do you think that would change the way men and women, like learned about sex? Because we know that that's how people are unfortunately learning about sex right now.

I hope so. I mean, I hope it would change their mind. Not that I hope that they would learn from what is out there, but.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm wondering if that's why, like all I know in the 13 years I've been doing this, like no one ever asked me about anal before or squirting or meant like just the things that came up that I know is directly related to porn. And we know that how they're learning.

It is very influential as a genre. Porn is becoming very influential. They are talking about so high number as a third of all the Internet traffic during, you know, some hours of the day, not always maybe of the night, but depends on where you live, you know. But a third part of all the Internet traffic, that's huge numbers. And obviously, I mean, I know that you are into sex education. I think sex education is the best answer we have at this moment. We need to start sex, educate the masses, all people out there.

I agree.

Schools need to take in great sex educators and to help them explain the world to people growing up. Because sex matters to them. Sex is one of the things that matters. There's most to them, you know. Exactly.

And I love. Well, you. You grew up in Sweden.

Yes.

So you had like the sex education that's hailed around the world as the best sex education. Right. So you learned it wasn't just like one class for an hour. It was like an ongoing discussion, ongoing.

Conversation since I was a little kid until, you know, a grown up adult. Totally. We talk about sex as something quite natural. First it starts with, you know, the body. Learning about our bodies, different body parts, how they serv us and how we get pleasure out of them. You know, I talk a lot of times to people about the learning curve when it comes to sex. You know, little boys are starting to touch themselves and little girls are starting to touch themselves. And what happens so many times is when boys does it, people kind of laugh and it's like, cute, look, he's, he's touching his little dicky and it's like kind of, that's normal because he's a little boy.

Right.

So he's trying out his masculinity. But when girls does it, they get this kind of don't do that. And many times from the people most close to them, they're mothers, you know.

That'S their first message they get about their vagina is no, it's private, don't do it. It's dirty, it's wrong. And no one tells them, okay, now's the time to go have pleasure. They were just shut down at 4 or 5 when they were masturbating in the kitchen and told to go to their room. So that's right, exactly.

And imagine how it would change if their mothers would tell them, you know, I know that that feels great, but maybe you should do it in your room and instead of in the kitchen or in the living room. Exactly.

But encourage, not shut them down. And no one ever lifts them back up again.

Totally.

And then the next thing they see is porn and then they're having sex with some guy making some weird noises that wasn't even coming from them or originating because they thought that's how they had to act.

Exactly. But also, that poor guy growing up, you know, nobody talks to him about sex and he has a huge sex drive. And then he's been watching hundreds of hours of porn online and suddenly he has an opportunity with a girl and he's getting in there and he thinks that he has to behave as a porn star, literally, because that's what he's seen. So he goes for choking her and she, you know, gets crazy and screams and say like, hey, what up? What are you doing?

Right. Why are you choking it? Right.

Totally miscommunication. And much of that is not, I wouldn't say that it's because of porn, but I would say it's because nobody tells them that the porn they are watching is an exaggerated fiction of sex. But it's not the same thing as having sex. Right? Sex takes a lot of time. It takes time to get to know your own body, another person's body, how you connect together. That's hours and hours of work in trying and, you know, figuring it out. And porn is like, bam, bam, bam, four minutes. And then she screams. And it was only like. Like penetrative, vaginal sex. And that is nothing like real life. I know most women I know, they need some clitorial simulation to come. Right?

Exactly. And we're not getting that at all. And then. And I think it's a disservice because it's perpetuating what more and more men having sex, growing up thinking, like, yeah, they don't understand the clitoral stimulus. So let's talk about the porn that you're making, though. It focuses more on the emotional connection with sex. Not so much as much. I mean, of course it's physical, but how do you even explain it? Like, it's just like, yeah, that's what I want. I want you to. I guess it's the plot, but it's a story. But it's also.

It's.

It's romantic. We're making. We're kissing for a while. Like, you're touching my face. I'm like, what? And then you could get into whatever.

Yeah, but it's. It's kind of. I used to say that it's all of it. I mean, the difference is really, if you compare it to mainstream porn, then it would be like comparing a fast food restaurant to a little family restaurant. You know, the whole treatment is different. Different. It's different. You know, when I go to the market and I buy my ingredients and I think about what do I want to make and how do I want to set up the table and, you know, all of those small details. And that's how I work. It's not only me. I work with a kind of big crew. We are around 15 people behind the camera.

15 or 15.

15.

Most of us women, because it's something that I'm really pushing for. I think we need to have more women behind the camera, more women on set, more women taking decisions.

What could we do? I'm just trying to think if there's some kind of. If they're watching porn anyway, that could be educational porn for younger girls. I mean, I have three nieces I know you've two daughters. I'm sort of been on this obsession.

Yes, but it's always difficult because obviously I am not allowed to promote porn for people under 18. And I don't know, maybe here in america it's even 21.

Right.

You know, and there we have this problem again that you can. Can drive a car when you're like 16, and you can go to the army when you're 18, and you can drink alcohol here, I think 21. Yeah. Right. But in Europe, you can do it at 18.

Yeah, I know. It's much more liberal views towards sex. So my question also is we have women behind the cameras. What about the female talent that you work with? How would you say that that is different? The way you direct them and the way. And also your new series. Well, no, it's been around 10 years. 10 years of ex confessions.

5 years.

5 years confessions.

10 years of. My whole.

It's been 10 years. Okay, got it. That's how long. I'm so honored that you're here, by the way, because I've been hearing about you for so long and talking about your films to my audience. So having you here is such a gift. For five years, the Ex Confessions. So we're gonna talk about that, but first let's talk about directing female talent. Like, do you ever have women who have been in other porns, like on the tube sites, and they come to you, explain to me your process and how it would be different.

Well, it's different for women and it's different for men also, because we are.

All humans for men and for women. How is it different?

And I think I do work with people who work also in the mainstream porn industry. And I guess what is very different is the whole process, because when I make a movie, it's more like any indie movie, you know, it's the same kind of ambient and the same kind of set. And then what I hear a lot from my female stars is that they feel very secure at my set because they are surrounded by so many other women, you know, because that is something that they feel a lot. In the mainstream porn industry, it's managed by men. So most of the time they go to a set and there's only men around them. If they're lucky, there's a makeup artist. You know, it's like so true. In my set, they have this kind of sisterhood feeling going on. They know that me and my crew, that we will look after them, that we, you know, will see if something is not right. And Then we will act on it. And that, I think, is. Is. Is very comfortable and feels great. But it's all about really the. The ethical production process. And that should be a standard. Whether we are talking, you know, feminist porn, indie porn, or mainstream porn. It should be a standard in any business out there. Even if you're making buildings or, you know.

You should be an ethical person with ethical values. And when it comes to. It comes to filmmaking and porn business, I mean, what are ethical values? Well, it's informing your actors before shooting what will happen. So they are getting the script sent weeks before the shooting. They can give me feedback on that. I ask them, with whom would they like to perform, to make sure that they are together with a partner that they trust and that they are attracted to. Because that's like. Like the whole difference. When there's good chemistry between people and most people who work in the porn industry, they have favorite co workers, people that they really like to work together with. Then we talk about all the details. We do the STI testing, obviously, before the shooting. Actors always have the right to look at the other person's paperwork so they know that everybody is in the best condition. We talk about condom use. Is that something they want to use or not? We talk about lubricants. Are they allergic to anything?

What leaves do you want? Unsafe, Right? No, it matters.

Toys are involved. Then we talk about their boundaries and their limits. Is there something that they don't. Don't want to do? Something that they don't like? You know, is there something they like.

Particularly what every couple should do, by the way, before they get together, like, or at least on the first or second date.

It's always the same question.

I know. It's so hard.

And it should be easy to have this kind of conversations with people about sex, because that is when sex works, when you can trust that everything has been taken care of. And then, of course, I always tell my performers that if they feel uncomfortable during a shooting, they can always cut. You know, they can always tell me, I need a break, I need to go to the bathroom. I need water, I need a towel. You know, they standard kind of things. And they know that I will never push their boundaries. I will never say to them, what do you think about now? If we could do a little more maybe if, you know, if we have. If we have agreed on doing vaginal sex, I would never ask them to do anal sex, for example. That is a totally no go. You know, I would never tell them there's a third person that I'm thinking would be interesting if they would enter.

I think it's turned on, so why. Yeah, I can't.

But this kind of thing, they do happen sometimes. I mean, the actresses and the performers, they are telling me about this kind of stories. I also have a lot of male performers telling me that sometimes they are in trouble because they are having trouble to maintain their erection.

So what do you do with that?

Yeah, well, what I do is that I give them time. You know, I give them time and security. So hopefully that won't happen. But sometimes times when there are, you know, regular shootings, they get very, very pressured. And then many of them take the kind of Viagra drugs they need to make it happen. And if they can't do it. Sometimes I heard stories about producers who won't pay them, who say, like, if you can't do it, then, you know, I'm not gonna.

And that's definitely not ethical behavior. Right, I get that. But you're realistic. So what if the guy loses his erection? Would you keep that in the film? Will she get some hard again?

I could. I could. Yeah.

Let's stop and make a sandwich where you get hard again.

Or I could definitely do that, because I don't see it really as a problem.

It's real.

It's real. It could happen. It depends always on the film that you are doing and what you want to, you know, communicate. I mean, I did shoot, for example, a threesome where one guy had trouble for a while and he went away to the bathroom. The other two were going on, and then after a while, he was good again, and then he came back in.

You know, there you are. It flowed like a real threesome. Someone's got to get up and go to the bathroom at some point.

Exactly.

What inspired X Confessions?

Well, stories.

And tell me about it real quickly.

So stories by people. Ex Confessions is a project, really, a crowdsourced project, where people from all around the world are sending in their fantasies, their sex stories, kinks, things they want to do, things they have done. You know, all these sex stories, and we gather them and then I read them, and I pick two every month, and I make them into short films. That's the whole kind of idea of the project.

And I was wondering, are there any. Were there common themes around people's fantasies that they said to you? Confessions. But I want to know what they're.

Of course. I mean, they are coming in every day, really. So this is an ongoing project. It's been going on for.

How many have you received?

Every day around 10.

Okay. Yeah. I mean we do contests and like we ask people to send in your fan. We should send them to you. We have people sending their fan.

You could, you could ask and maybe I can make a film. Yes.

Oh my God. Listeners I would be so Sex with Emily listener fantasy. Okay. I just got like really excited and chills. Can we do that?

Yes, we could do that.

Okay, you guys. Feedback at sex with emily.com Award winning, extraordinary filmmaker Erica Lust would make a Sex with Emily listeners fantasy into a porn. Into a porn pornhole. So they have to go to your website to submit. Yes, you would have to.

Or you can send it to me.

I can send it to you. Okay. Are there parameters or they just write it out?

Well, it shouldn't be too long. We're not looking for books. We're not looking for novels.

What's the word limit? We won't read it over.

I don't remember right now. What is the word limit? But a few paragraphs.

Few paragraphs. You guys, I think people, if they go to your website, they can watch one for free, right? I have not watched a ton of porn lately because I haven't been as into porn. I haven't found anything that I loved and I'd watch your porn in the past and. And I'm just so into it. I love it all. It has something for everyone. And like, my God, people are just into it when they see what else is out there. It's like you could keep eating Burger King, but then you go somewhere and they have like an amazing burger that's farm fed or whatever the hell good meat is. And then you're like, oh my God, I've never gone vegan burger. Whatever your idea of amazing meat is or an amazing meal. And you're like, oh, this is what it can be. I get it.

But also, I think it's very interesting for me as a creator to challenge people when it comes to sex because there's so many people just like, you know, into their category kind of. So they like big boobs and then they always go to that category. But then suddenly if I challenge them and make them think outside their own sexuality, they will probably be surprised by things that will turn them on that they wouldn't have expected.

Give me an example. And then I do want to get back to my question about the common fantasies. But ask.

I have two wonderful examples. For example, foot fetishism. That is something that a lot of people will go like, oh, that's disgusting. Feet. I wanted to be into that but then suddenly you see this wonderful film. I made a film that I love so much called Dirty Feet. And it's really, really cool. And I know for a fact that it changed the minds of a lot of people out there saying, like, oh, my God, this is the coolest thing ever. Now I want to see more films with feet in them. Or I mean, on our site we have a diverse kind of. Of sexuality, so we even have some films with gay sex, of course, on our side. Right, right.

Different body types, too. I want to talk about that.

Ethnicity, sex, all of it. Because I think real bodies, real hair, people have hair.

And it's okay. Not all of them. If you're not in hair, don't worry. But some do, some don't. But it's the diversity that matters, that.

We can all be represented. It's not just like the very skinny, very young white chick, you know, it's all of us. Right.

Okay, now we're going to give a shout out to our. Our sponsors. Thank you everyone for listening and supporting them, supporting the show. We'll be right back.

So common fantasies, I would think for women, it's a lot of, like, gang bang, group sex.

Oh, yes.

May not be the most popular one, but there are a few. Definitely. But, but group sex, yeah, that's go, go, go for a lot of people. And free sums. Free sums. You know, I mean, the typical couple wanting a third party, that is that we receive a few every day.

Sure.

And then bdsm. I mean, submission, domination. There's quite a lot of, you know, power.

Play.

I love it.

Totally. And infidelity.

Right? Yeah, Right. Like I'm cheating my mistress. Yeah, we get it.

That's good.

I totally get it. And I loved your brunch. It was like the sex toy brunch.

Yes.

I love that. Because first of all, it had all my favorite toys in was like my. I didn't even know that. That's the other thing. A lot of them, I didn't even know that they were my fantasies or it kind of planted new fantastical seeds in my brain. I was like, I want to have a bunch of hot women over and show them how to use sex toys and then we can all have sex together. Like, I was like, that was so beautifully shocked. And it was like they could have been my friends sitting around the table and they go into the bedroom and they're. There's the Magic Wand, the Womanizer, some we vibe toys, like. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. So then I got out my Womanizer multi Orgasmic brunch, Multi orgasmic brunch. My brunches are like bottomless mimosa brunches, but they're not multi orgasmic brunches. So that was very inspiring. Do you use a lot of toys in the films?

Do you feel like sometimes. It depends a little. Sometimes I'm more in the mood for toys.

Yeah.

Sometimes I was not.

Right. How has your sex life changed doing films, being in this industry?

I. I guess seriously, that I have totally opened up. I feel a lot more comfortable around just, you know, naked people or even, you know, when you see so many people being great with their naked body, just being, you know, happy and comfy and not really shaming themselves or hiding themselves, then you feel this sex positivity going on. Right. And then also I think it's been very interesting for me to see so many women orgasming in different ways. Because the female orgasm is really so.

Different for every woman, right?

Yes. And I think that we are kind of used to see men orgasm because we've seen it in porn, you know, and they always come and it's like on screen and it's out there. But so much porn has. Have fake female orgasms, right?

Do you ever have fake female orgasms?

Yeah, of course.

You have to, right?

Like everyone. I mean, I used to tell people it's like in your real life sometimes. But, you know, sometimes you fake it till you make it. Sometimes you start kind of faking it because you feel like this is the moment and you want to help yourself.

I agree.

Maybe it doesn't come, but it looks.

Like it, you know, it was a false start. And sometimes it works. So you don't know.

Sometimes it works. It's so true. I seen also this technique with a lot of actresses that they kind of. They start faking it, but then suddenly it takes over, you know, because of the briefing. Because they are getting the briefing into the mood, and suddenly it comes, you.

Know, can you tell if they're faking or not? Afterwards you have to say, is that real or not?

Sometimes even we can't tell as women. But I try to look for the typical things, you know, the eyes, the pupils opening, the redness over the chest. Those things that kind of makes you believe that it happened.

Exactly right. And that's right. How about squirting?

Some people, some I've seen women doing it.

Right, exactly. Like, it's really surreal, Right? Do you get a lot of fans?

I even have one shot in slow motion.

You do? Which film? I want to watch that later.

It's called Don't Call Me a Dick. And it's a wonderful film. It's poetry and porn at the same time, shot with a phantom camera. This is an amazing camera for slow motion. And the film is just fantastic. It's not shot by me, actually. It's shot by a guest director. Because that's also something I would like to talk about.

Well, let's talk yet. Tell me about that. You're going to start helping people funding films. Tell me.

Because I want more women to make films, and it's difficult for women to make films because there's not many opportunities out there.

No.

And. And now I came to this level where I actually, you know, I have more audience than I can handle. That sounds amazing, right?

Yeah.

But I mean, we are in next Confessions, we are releasing a new film every two weeks. And from July, we're gonna start releasing a new film every week. So the site will get twice as good from filming.

I'm so impressed by what you've done. That's a lot. I mean, these are serious films. They're beautiful works. Like. I know what it's like to make a film and the fact that you're doing.

But. Right. I can't. But I can't talk about so many, of course, because I can't continue with the quality that I'm doing if I'm gonna deliver 52 films a year. So I realized that I can only make 12 a year myself. So the rest I'm offering to other female directors all over the world. I want diversity. I want different countries. I want different ethnicities, different sexualities. Please come join the project. Join the revolution.

How do they find you? How do they.

It's on ericalass.com open call.

We'll have this on web.

And what I'm looking for. What I'm looking for is people really sending in their ideas. They could go text confessions, pick a confession, and base their film idea on that confession, or they can write a confession by themselves if they have something that they really want to shoot. And then what we do is we help them to build a project. We help them with the casting, we help them with funding, finishing the film with, you know, all the graphics that we need. And.

And that's a really good. I think that's. This is going to get a lot.

Of people distributed to the world because that's what is so difficult many times. I mean, how are you distributed?

So people have. They can only find it on your site. Right. And it's. They have to pay for it.

Yes, because I do believe in the formula pay for your porn. You know, I, I, I do offer a lot of, of free screeners for people. They can watch trailers, they can watch a free film, etc, but then, I mean, to make these films, come on, they cost money. I want to pay my crew and my cast. I want to pay them as well as I can. I want to make a great website where you can watch the film in high quality, high definition with subtitles if you need it, in different languages. I'm shooting, making offs. I'm shooting interviews with performers.

You need more than 15 people.

Yeah, the 15 people is the film crew. It's the film crew that I shoot in a film. Then I have 18 people in my office in Barcelona.

I've never been to Barcelona.

Or you have to come.

I know. I can't believe I've never been to Barcelona.

I should have commented live from a shooting.

I would do it. I'm so in. So when we pick the Sex with Emily confession listener, I will come to Barcelona. We will make the film and we'll hang out and party in Barcelona.

Yes.

Because that's like a dream. I've been everywhere and Europe, never to Spain.

Oh, it's a lovely country.

I don't even know how I've missed. Yeah, yeah.

And the Mediterranean and the food come. All the vegetables we have. They are crispy and juicy and wonderful.

Everything's just juicy and sexy and hot there. It's true. I spent a lot of time in Italy and I've spent not a lot of time in. No, no time in Spain.

No time.

Okay, so that's done. You guys get in your, your submissions because there's a lot going on here. We're gonna go make.

And we need you women out there. We need female filmmakers to help changing our are visions of sexuality. It's really a question about the female gaze because I mean, almost everything that has been made has been made.

Let's talk about the difference between the male gaze and the female gaze. Just because people listen. Let's say they've never heard of it and guys are rolling their head going, oh, yeah, female gaze. I want to chase her. I want to choker. Why can't. What do you mean? So let's break it down. If a guy's listening, like, what do you, I mean, what does that mean? And what would we see?

What does it mean? It means, means giving an opportunity to half of the population, even a little more than half of the population, you know, to start telling their stories and how they see the world and, you know, how they see sexuality and what do we fantasize about and what do we dream about and how do we live, you know, in our bodies as women? That is really what is.

What do we want to see? What turns us on?

It's a turn, you know, to do this. And I. What I can see is one. Because people always want. They're like, but tell me something concrete, like, what is the big difference? And then sometimes I say it's the, you know, where you put the camera. Because I can see it that if I have a man behind the camera, he shows what he finds most attractive. And that is if he's a heterosexual man, probably the woman's body. So you have a lot of footage of the woman's body. You know, it's her body, boobs, it's her ass. It's her boobs and ass all the time. Yes, that's what they're going for. But if you have a woman behind the camera, then suddenly she finds him interesting. She goes for, you know, his button, his arms and his expression and his eyes and his smile. And, you know, you have a lot.

More their connection, though, and be kissing and the way his hands are going over her body and.

And Right, right. Because in the end, when you shoot. Shoot sex, it's really like shooting a dialogue. You know, I say something or I do something, and you react to that. Right. And what I needed to make it work is shot, reverse shot, kind of. You know, if we're getting into the technical way of filming it, I need to understand what you are doing and how you are reacting. And that is when it feels completing to me. Right, right. But I really. When I shoot sex, I'm not only into showing you what it looks like having sex. I want to communicate what it feels like having sex. You know, I'm after that. Those emotions really how you connect to each other. The intimacy, that amazing, powerful feeling of, you know, being together with someone in total.

Like, wow, right this. Right. You captured that true connection and intimacy that I think so many of us crave that we don't even know that we crave. Again, you guys, I've watched plenty of porn. I'm not saying they're all terrible, but it's so vacant. If you turn on typical porn, there is not that intimate, erotic, the realness, connection that.

No, most of it doesn't have it. There's some. Of course. I mean, we are not complaining about all porn out there. Porn, mainstream porn will keep on exposing existing, and that's okay. The same way as McDonald's will probably keep on existing.

Right?

But I prefer to be a vegan. But that's my personal life, you know, that's. That's my choice. And at least what I'm trying to do here is that alternative for other people who wants another vision of sexuality. And then at least I think that we can influence some of the standards in mainstream porn. I would like to believe that we can influence them to do a better ethical production action process. And I would like to believe that we can influence them when it comes to stop using this sexist, racist, homophobic way of showing sex and going into a more open, diverse sexuality, then if they don't want to, you know, use cinematographic cameras and, you know, work with the art department for weeks before a shoot, that's okay. Not all porn has to be super artistic and beautiful, but some can at least be right.

Exactly. Even when you started, you would. Your first experience was seeing porn that you felt was like, what's. And I had the same experience. Like, I'm not blonde with big boobs, and I don't understand why my boyfriend's watching this porn. And it was so confusing and just what he wants from me.

And.

Oh, my God. Well, that was like probably 20 years ago when I first saw it. But now since I've started doing this 13 years ago, my show and you and you even. It's even changed. Like, it's almost like we need you so much more. And like, when we first. You first came in, you're like, we need more sex educators. We do. Because that's. If that's how kids or everyone's learning.

Right now, if nobody else is talking to them, then of course that's what they're gonna use to learn about sex. And they gonna believe that that is how it's done. They're gonna go out there, they're gonna replicate it.

So if you had to say there was three things in porn right now that you've seen in the last, let's say, 15 years that have. That you would like to people to unlearn that they've watched in porn or that you're like, oh, again, what would that be?

Well, that. That all women, like, punish fucking. I would totally say, no, that's not. I could engage in a power play, but that would be under other kind of circumstances. I would have to consent with you, have a safe word conversation, have a safe word. You know, agree on the rules before, but don't come here and try to choke me with your dick. And make me vomit. You know that's not what I want.

Right, Deep Throat. Right, okay, Right, I get it. Number two.

Number two. Number two, what would I be. I would like to stop the racism in mainstream porn. The way that they are really, like, trying to. Trying to fetishize on different groups. You know, it's all about. It's the Asians, it's the ebony, it's the Latinas. I. I think it's tiring. I think we could just, you know, use people as human beings and stop that and. And then what? What else could it be? A third thing.

I just wanted them to show foreplay more. More foreplay? Like, more real foreplay? More clitoral.

Like.

More like. Yes, just like.

And also analyze it.

How about just anal right away without having any prep. Any preps? Seeing any loops?

No, but it's obvious that we all need prep for sex. I mean, it's. It's. If you're right on it, then it's because you have already been, you know, horny for a while. Something happened, you know, and then you go, like, I don't know.

But people learn through your porn. Then they're learning. What would you hope? Like, or what do you hear the most people got.

I think that people need a lot of that. They are kind of craving. They're hungry for conversations about sex, how to communicate when it comes to sex. Not only to see, like, what they are doing. I get a lot of emails from couples who are watching my films together and who are telling me that, wow, Erica, thanks. Because this movie made us talking, you know, because suddenly we hadn't really talked about it. I hadn't communicated what I like. We saw this film and then we started, you know, a conversation out of it.

Exactly. That's in the same thing with my podcast. Same thing with your films. I always tell couples, like, go watch porn. And then I said, go to watch your porn. Because then you're really gonna be able to get that dialogue. Because it is very hard for couples. Like, it's. They're just like, I want to talk about it. So if you use something like a.

Film or a podcast, people are afraid because they feel. They feel that they are crazy perverts sometimes. You know, because sometimes, let's be honest, sometimes things turns us on that we don't like or that we don't respect, and we feel shame and we are afraid. And then you don't want to tell anyone about it. But maybe if you do so, or if you watch a few films and you see other people with the same kind of, you know, tendencies. Then you go like, oh, so it's okay because other people feel the same way. And that was, for example, one of the amazing things, things happening when I go and I have events and I do screenings and we watch the films with, you know, a huge audience and, like, you know, 200 people in the audience. And I hear people starting to laugh and how they get. How they get. I hear people starting relaxed and how to get more and more, you know, comfortable because they suddenly trust the other people. So they go like, so if other people likes this, then it's okay for me to like it. They kind of want that permission.

They do. They do are. Because I was bummed that I missed your ex confessions here in LA this weekend. But is it. Are you going around?

Yes, Olivia.

Playing in other theaters.

We are touring a little, but it's, you know, now. Next thing is that I'm going back to Barcelona. You gotta go back to make more films. So now I won't be able to do.

Okay.

So people are gonna.

But I'm probably coming to New York in November for another, like, big screening.

Oh, I would love to come to that one, because I wanted to be there. This has been amazing talking to you about everything. So we're gonna do emails. Okay. This is from Bri. She's 28 in Brooklyn. Hi, Emily. I'm interested in the impacts of porn saturation in our culture today. Because porn is so easily accessible and pleasurable, people obviously view it often. Personally, I prefer not to watch porn. I found that when I do, what happens is the video sticks with me, almost like it's imprinted in my mind and it keeps coming back. After having a few short relationships with men who were subject to watching porn regularly, our sex was redundant. I felt distant and disconnected. The relationships did not work out and the sex sucked. I wish for the present and future that our youth and people could have sex without a screen or media influences between them to feel kinky when I'm rolling solo as an alternative to porn, I'll rub myself down with feathers, suck my fingers, use my vibrator on my clit, etc. I'm also very turned on by sensation and energy, so this works for me. Do you have any thoughts on the impacts of porn in our society? Also, do you have any ideas for educating people on other outlets to explore more intimacy and creativity, which. I think we just talked about this a lot. I love your show. You and your guests keep me in great company. On the G train. On the G train. In New York. I got it. So, yeah, so she's. Thank you, Bree, so much. This is. Fits right into our conversation. So, yeah, she's realizing the impact that porn's had on her relationships, and she's taken into her own hands, literally, to masturbate using other sensations. We know that. We've talked a lot about the impacts of porn in our society. And what about educating people on other outlets for intimacy and creativity? Also through porn, you're kind of porn.

But, yeah, other outlets. I mean, we get back to the subject of sex education, obviously, but then also. I mean, there's obviously not only porn that educates. It's also television, magazines, fashion, advertisement, cinema. I mean, it's. It's images that we see all around us in our society that shows us how we relate to each other sexually. Right.

Yeah, I mean, I think exactly. There are other outlets, but I'm thinking, like, I think a lot about it too, lately, about education and how to do it, because I feel like the schools are failing, but it's not really their fault in the sense of.

No. A lot of teachers, for example, they talk to me and they say that they have trouble with parents because they. When they start talking about sex in school, suddenly they have a lot of parents coming up to them saying, hey, I don't want you to talk about this with my kids.

So what do they do? I feel like you need more peer programs. I always keep thinking that there should be a way that kids that are just a little bit older than you students, and they get trained in sex, because I don't feel like kids necessarily want to hear from their parents or even from their teachers. But this is more about. I'm thinking about the couples, too. Like, how would you. I don't know. I guess I do it on the podcast. I think couples listen to this or they watch porn or they read books or if there's, like, retreats you can go to with different people at couples retreats where you're actually learning how to connect in a more intimate way. I think some of those exist in the world. I know they do. That'd be really fun to teach.

Connecting with other people through Internet. I mean, that's obviously a great thing. Forums online, when you could talk to other people about sex.

Yeah.

But also, I think just. Just, you know, reading other people's fantasies can help a lot to see what they are thinking about and how they are doing it and.

Yeah.

And that for me, in that sense, I think that my films are quite helpful because I think that they are used by a lot of people that feel insecure, and then they see, you know, my actors in situations, these characters that I have created, and they can relate to them somehow, and that can help them to understand how they can operate in their own sex life.

Yeah, it's true. I think that Bri would really benefit from going to your site, because I feel like you'd realize, Bree, all the subjects you have, like, when you. There's hundreds of films on that, right?

Yes, there's, like, 125.

I've never been to a site that has some films that I wanted to watch all of. Like, they all seemed interesting to me, which is bizarre, because I have a lot of different interests.

And also what I think is very cool is that we are really making films that talks about sex in a positive way, because I feel many times that, I mean, we've been already criticizing mainstream porn for obvious reason, that it's sexist and it's, you know, negative towards sex many times. But then also when it comes to the whole kind of indie cinema, you know, many times they are talking about sex, but they talk about. About the dark side of sex, how people are disturbed sexually and how difficult it is for them to connect. And I feel that we need much more of, like, positive energy around sex, where people just can feel like they can, you know, have fun together when.

They'Re, you know, I keep saying, like, let's make sex great again. Sex has become problematic. I mean, it's become challenging in so many ways that very few people are like, I've got it nailed. My sex life. Life is perfect. So I just want to take the weight out of it and make it fun again. However, we can do that, and I.

Love that because some of my films are more like comedies somehow, you know, and people are having fun and they are laughing together. And even while they are having sex.

They are, you know, they are laughing, which is normal. That happens. I love laughing. It's crazy.

And sometimes, you know, crazy things happen.

Exactly. There is no right way to have sex. And I think that that's what you show through your work. And what I show my podcast is like, I think a lot of people want to know, is it normal? So they can watch your point. Oh, I had that fantasy. Oh, my God, look at all these opportunities. Like, look at all these options for pleasure that people never thought about because they might have been having sex the same way their entire lives. So thank you, Bri. That was an awesome question. I love all of our listeners in Brooklyn, so shout out To Brooklyn. This is from Lee. She's 29, in San Diego. Emily, I've been listening to your show over the past few months. I wish I'd heard about it sooner. I lost my virginity when I was 18 and now 10 years later, I'm still trying to figure it out. I've been in therapy, working on my low self esteem, figuring out why I've used my body as an object used to please men, and why put my own pleasure and happiness last on the list. I've made a lot of progress and I'm thinking I'm ready to get back into the dating world, but I'm feeling anxious about having sex and choosing the right person. What is your advice for women to be more confident and vocal about what they want and what pleases them? Of course, being self confident is a huge part and I getting there. So that's from Lee, 29, San Diego. So we talk a lot about women building confidence and being self confident in the bedroom during masturbation, learning your own body, what makes you feel good. And that's a huge part of building sexual confidence. But what would you say about how women can just be comfortable being vocal and in their bodies and building confidence?

Well, it's difficult because the only thing I would like to say is like, speak up, say what you want, just say it out there. You know, but then you are in that situation and maybe it's not so, so easy. So obviously it's a lot about the person you pick that you have to trust that person, you have to feel great around that person and you need to know that he will listen to you.

It's hard when you feel like you have to be the teacher too because how so? She's 29 years old.

Totally, totally. It's like. But, but I, I feel that a lot of women, women feels that at this moment, like we have to teach the men how to behave because obviously they don't know how.

They don't know.

They, yeah, they are, they are lost. And we are tired of, we are tired of giving service to them. Because I hear this a lot. I mean, she's talking about that she feels great when she's by herself and her vibrator and in her world that she manage. And then when she has sex with other people, people, it's like she has sex for them instead of sex for herself.

Which is what I was raised that I believe that that's how sex was. It was all about pleasing the man and it wasn't about me. So I've had to Unlearn that. And so it's a process. So, Leigh, when you're with someone and you just do it, and it could be clunky and uncomfortable, and I know the thoughts going through your head might be. But what if he doesn't like me? He's not your guy. No, I think that's what women have to start doing in that moment when you're with someone and you think, oh, I'll wait till next time to tell him. I want that. This. Don't, please, don't wait.

Make him please you.

Exactly. You come first. You come first in every way. You really do. So, Lee, all I can tell you is that the more you ask for what you want, you'll realize that you're going to get it. And when you don't get it, you walk away.

Exactly. Sounds great. Yeah, everybody should do.

I feel like it's like this female army. Yeah, I know, but I love men. We need you guys and we're here to help. No, it's okay. It's exhausting. But I'm ready to help.

And there's so many of them, them who are willing to learn and who wants to learn and who wants to share a wonderful relationship with. With a woman, obviously.

Exactly. And it's not their fault. Because here's the thing. I'm telling you that I was raised. Lee was raised. She's 29, you know, I was raised that it. It was oriented towards men. And men were probably going, shit. A lot of young guys were like, we're getting. You're waiting for us to know. We don't know what the hell we're doing. Like a 20 year old guy. Like, I don't know. But. So it's been tricky for men and for women and they're hoisted that upon.

That women just waiting for the men to make it happen for them because that's what they've seen. That's what they kind of just lay around waiting, you know, and then it doesn't come. So, yeah, definitely. As you said before, first learn your own body and then try to communicate it, even if it's difficult. And maybe the first time you will feel very, like, strange. But little by little, it will get better.

It does get better. And then it becomes to the point where you realize, I can. I can't believe I didn't. I can't believe I never asked for it. Like, how could I have even dealt with not asking for my right.

And then think it would be like if you would eat something every day that you didn't like, and you wouldn't say anything about it. That's just stupid. You know, if you don't like it, don't eat it.

Don't eat it. Yeah, don't eat it and don't take it and don't do it if you don't want it sexually. And I'm not saying you guys again, to be like, like, fine, you didn't do it. I'm out of here. That was pretty aggressive from even my language. But I'm trying to get the point across that it's just, I really want women to. To just ask for it and not worry about what it means and the judgments.

And for the guys, ask her. Start asking women, you know, do you like this? Is this how. How you want it? Do you want another rhythm? Another intensity? More, Less?

If you don't know, let's figure it out together. Cause then we might. Yeah, it's fun. Like, this is the fun part of sex when you guys are working together in unison. And I think that this is the intimacy that a lot of people crave or don't even know that they crave. But once you realize you're communicating about it, sex gets so much better. Thank you, Erica. Luss. This is a good time.

I'm all happy. I'm super happy to be here. It's been a wonderful conversation, really.

Oh, this was a fun show, you guys. I so enjoyed this show. I'm all riled up. Up. We should go home and watch some more porn. Thank you, everyone. Thanks to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, our volunteers, Shannon, Jenny, Sarah, producer Lark and Michael. And thank you for subscribing reviewing the show. Was it good for you? Text ask Emily to 797-979.

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