Sex Reflection & Resurrection with Jamye Waxman

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the Hera and right now you can get 20 off the HERA using code EMILY20@sexwithemily.com HERA that's EMILY20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com H E R A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.

The porn piece has become more problematic. Especially you see this in younger men and you see this a lot of the times because the substitute for relationships becomes pornography.

Right.

And if you're in your 20s and for 10 years even all you do is look at porn to get off because you're not, you're busy with, you know, your career or whatever else and you're not thinking about relating. When you hit 30 something and you're ready to relate to women, they are not going to relate to you the way you think they will from the.

Movies or the videos because they've been watching. That's all they've seen. Because back in the day when porn wasn't as ready available. Yeah, like right Sam, you can think about this too. We didn't, I think, not that sex was always perfect, but we didn't have all these expectations of this is how sex is, Right?

Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's quite worrisome today how the young people are learning about sex and sensuality because they're getting it from a very different source than what we did.

Yeah. And now it might be kind of hurting their relationships as well.

Right? Yeah, I see a lot of that and I see a lot more like extreme sexual behaviors coming out early on in relationships because this is how they've always watched sex or got off.

Thanks for Listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by my friend and marriage and family therapist Jamie Waxman. And we're giving advice and taking calls on all the sex and relationship things. Topics include ways to fix your sex life and rebuild appreciation for each other. Who? We're in a connection crisis, truly. So why is this happening and what can we do about it? So if you travel all the time for work, should you even entertain the idea of dating someone? And talks of sex? Tech advancements from someone who runs a pleasure product company. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfri. Is my man E here?

He just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

That feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, find us on all social media. It is so Sex with Emily across the board. Okay, Intentions for the show. Intentions with Emily. I started each show by setting intention. I encourage you to do the same. I found wherever I set intentions in my life, I'm much more likely to get more out of whatever the situation is. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get. Like, maybe you want to feel more connected in your relationships, or you want to hear about two sex experts talking about getting your sex life back on track. My intention is to give you all insights. How can you navigate your relationships from a low place back to a high place? And yes, it takes work, but we're gonna help you get there. Thanks for listening. Enjoy the show. I'm so excited because one of my favorite people just walked in. Jamie Waxman. She's a sex therapist, marriage and family therapist. A dear friend of mine. She's been in the industry for over 20 years. And we. We. She. We co wrote a book together. That's how we met. We got matched. I literally think it was the best pairing. See, this is blind dates.

Marriages do work more than people Realize there are statistics about that, but. Right. We were matched and it really worked.

Wow, you're right. Maybe that's the problem. You think we should all be arranged. Do you ever watch 90 Day Fiance? But let me tell you our book, because we still get some kind of money from it every once in a while. And it's an awesome book. Besides the money, hot sex, over 200 things you can try tonight also. It, like, sold out though, James. So I don't even know if it's available still. It was crazy. It was, like, out of print. Remember, James, Something happened and it was like someone was selling it for like 300 bucks. Isn't that crazy?

Wow.

It went out of print.

Is it back in?

It's awesome. It's right there. Okay, wait. So tell me what you were just saying.

Well, I was just saying that sometimes arrangements, arranged marriages, it's been proven that they actually have a higher resiliency rate than people who choose romantic love.

Now, I've heard this. Tell me more about this. Why do you think this is?

Well, I think it's interesting because I think you go into the relationship knowing that it's a. I mean, there's a business element to it, right? It's a deal. So they think you two will work well together. And that's how it starts. And it doesn't start from this sort of deeply romantic, this limerence, this butterflies in your stomach place. It starts from a more realistic space. And what I think happened, like, between us, right, is that we actually fell in love as friends.

We did.

And we really did. And we hit it off so well that the love grew out of the relationship as it began. And I think that's what happens in arranged marriages. You don't go in with the rose colored glasses.

Hmm. You're right. You're absolutely right. So typically, arranged marriages are happening with our families, for example, so you already know. You're from the same background. There's a familiarity. And so if that happens, you're right. So did we kind of screw ourselves then that we're all relying on romantic love now? Do you think that there's some element of arrangement that we could bring into our lives that would make relationships work?

You know, I think it depends on the age. I think that's a big factor. Cause I think as we get older, Right. Like I'm in my 40s now, and it takes a lot to give in to somebody else in a relationship. To what? A compromise, which I loved from Stranger Things. I think it was too, where they say compromise is Halfway happy, which is totally what compromise is. Right. So we have to want to be halfway happy. And I think as we've gotten older, it's hard to negotiate that in our twenties, when we want. If we just wanted to be in a relationship, then maybe it would work better. Maybe even in our 30s, maybe in our 40s, it would work. I just think it's harder as we get older and we get set.

Well, yeah. And I don't want to compromise anymore. You're right. I'm set in my ways. I like my life. And I mean, I'll compromise a little bit, but that's a really good point, though. And Also, in your 20s, if you're. You have more, you know, you're growing together, you're growing up together, learning things. I guess that would make sense. Jamie.

I was always curious to do some research, and I've never done this yet, but on the age 25, because that's the age that they say the female brain is fully developed. And so you go from the adolescent mindset to the adult mindset, and it's around the same time for men. From my understanding, I haven't read as much on the male brain, but at 25, you're making more logical adult decisions. So if you got married before 25 or partnered with your life partner before 25 verse after, what's the differences in success rates? What works, what doesn't? I have no idea about any of the answers to this.

I mean, I was 25 five.

Minutes ago. Yeah. I'm only 20.

I'm turning.

I'm turning 27 in three months. But at 25, I felt like the biggest. Like, all of a sudden I was, like, in this existential kind of crisis of, like, quarter life. What's going on? I'm trying to hold on to my, you know, like, crazy adolescent times, but then I'm, like, feeling more like an adult, and I just feel like my mind did this, like, flip. So that would make sense.

Well, it's amazing that you actually felt it and that. That's a pivotal time for you. I remember. For me, it was around 28 or 29, which they call Saturn Returns. I remember that. Right. So they tell you you're gonna come in one end.

But it really. There's something in your mid-20s where you start to see yourself differently. And there is a lot. The Female Brain is one of my favorite nonfiction books out there.

Luxan, Brisdine.

Yes. And I think she did the male brain, too. Right.

Love those books.

Yeah. It just gives you a lot of insight into yourself where you think. I mean, even today, I'm still like, oh, I'm still growing up, even though I'm an adult. Right?

Yeah. I think you always feel like you're grow. You are growing up a little bit. I guess it's more about having that growth.

The growth mindset.

Yes, the growth mindset. So Jamie's here. So what I'm telling you is you have, like, kind of like a twofer. Two for one. We're both sex therapists. Jamie's a marriage and family therapist, and she sees couples in Los Angeles.

And we're both sex educators.

And we're both sex educators. So we were talking. Jamie and I also saw Jamie at the show yesterday. That was a good time. Anything come up for you? Any cool toys you saw? Anything on your mind? Right now?

I'm really into finding out what makes a good butt plug. I heard you guys. I know that this is a very. Like, this was not what you expected to come out of my mouth, but I'm really interested in actually the design and understanding what keeps a butt plug in versus what makes a butt plug fall out. Because most of the experience I've had, it's very hard to keep a butt plug in somebody's butt. And so this has been. This is really.

I actually had another question that popped in that moment. Well, we love. I don't. We love. We love bee vibe. They make a great one.

That's who I was looking at. The snug plug. Is that the one you're talking about?

I think so, yeah.

Cause that has a long neck. I think that's very important. Tantus also has one like that.

Why wouldn't they stay? It's because you're clenching, and so you're pushing.

Right. Because you have two sphincter muscles. You have your voluntary and your involuntary. And the involuntary is basically if you're not relaxed enough, saying, get this out of me.

I think once you get in far enough, it's gonna. It won't put. Like, if you just put in a little bit of ways, it'll pop out.

Unless you become less relaxed. Right Then you clench, and it might pop out. It's. It's. I did talk to somebody who designs these Metis from. From Tantus a while back, and she was saying, the longer the neck, the more likely it will stay.

I think I've heard that too. I just. Yeah, so we're talking about plugs too. But, Jamie, the other thing that reminded me of. And today, it's.

It's been an interesting Day, Jamie, when you were just talking about limerence though, earlier. I'm skimming back because my brain want go back to that. And limerence we could describe that's the honeymoon phase or the early part of a relationship when we're falling in love and when things feel really great and the butterflies and maybe we commit to our partner in our.

The obsessive compulsive part of a relationship.

Okay, it's the obsessive compulsive part of a relationship. Limerence. And I would. Would you say that every relationship has limerence? So we just kind of crave that we go back to it?

I don't think every relationship has it.

See, I saw limerence more as like the honeymoon phase period that everyone goes through. But you're saying when it gets ocd.

Well, it is the honeymoon phase. What I mean by the obsessive compulsive is you're checking your phone all the time. You want to make sure this person's calling you or sending a text. You're wondering when they're going to do this again. As soon as they do, you're compulsively thinking, what am I going to write back? How am I going to sound like that? That butterflies in the stomach is part of it too. There's these really exciting parts and then there's really anxiety producing parts. But I don't think as you get older and as relationships get more complicated that you automatically find limerence in a healthy relationship, I don't think you do. And I think limerence is a. Is a very misguided.

Compass for what we think is true love.

So this is what I want to know. Because, Jamie, you've seen how many hundreds, thousands of couples? Perhaps as a therapist, I'm curious because I even on the break, I got a text from a friend, a dear friend, who said, how do you help couples whose relationship has gone stale? And I'm like, this is what I talk about every day. You should just listen. But Jamie, what do you, what do you think about this? Like, what are you finding now for all these couples who are like, I can imagine that a couple sits down in your office and they come to you and they sit down, then what happens? Like, they're coming in because they haven't been able to communicate sexually. They have. The sex life is sort of died. They're not, they're not really connecting anymore. And they're sitting in your office because, as you know, I'm a huge fan of therapy. I believe that every couple needs it at some point. In their life, particularly sex therapy. So to have it, you actually see people one on one, two to one. How does that go down? They come in, they're sitting down. Hello, Jamie Waxman, help us.

So I would first usually get a sexual history or both. Well, if it's a couple, I'm gonna ask the origin story. I wanna know how you met, and I wanna see what happens. How you talk about the meeting, how you talk about each other. I just wanna watch what's going on. But going back to the arranged marriage piece along with this, I think to understand that the relationship has gone stale is part one. That's the awareness right now. What are you gonna do about it? And that's where, like, the arranged marriages, you walk in and you say, I know this relationship is gonna take work, so I'm gonna work to see if I can make this the best relationship I can have. I think we take that for granted in romantic relationships. We think when it goes stale, oh, okay, well, what are we gonna do now? But that's when the work comes in. And what I've seen is that couples who really wanna do the work, they'll sit with me week after week and really try and go through something and go home, make a difference. But there are lots of couples who come in who don't want to do the work.

Okay, so you have to. Now, Jamie Waxman, define the work.

Well, it's going to be things like sharing appreciations with your partner. Things that you're taking for granted because you're just like, oh, they're there. They took out the garbage like they do every Tuesday or whatever it is. Right. But you're going to have to go and actually give them a verbal acknowledgement of something specific that you appreciate about them.

Would that be like, week one? Like, a couple comes to see you and they're like, okay, you know, thank you for taking the kids to school. I really appreciate the way you get.

Out of the bed.

Yes. I really appreciate that when I get out of the bed, you think about me and you make the bed in the morning. I really appreciate that. I don't have to ask you to take the kids to school. Or it can be. I really appreciate the way that you looked at me when we got into bed last night. It can be anything, but it has to be focused on the positive. When couples come into therapy, they're already focused on the negative. This isn't working. What's not? This is not right, whatever is going wrong. But you have to look back at what's going Right. To start to build that foundation again.

So sometimes it can probably be hard for couples who have already gotten to the point where, let's say their sex life hasn't been great. They're coming there because there is a lot of negativity. And to be like, dig deep and find some appreciation, that's like week one, probably. Yeah.

That will be one of the first things we.

And then what happens?

We might even appreciate how they met. We might go back to some other stuff first to just rebuild up the appreciation. And then it depends really what's going on in the relationship. I see a lot of desire discrepancy, surprisingly, a lot more female sexual pain. And I know you've had a lot of guests on about this.

Yeah, but not lately. We can never talk enough about it.

But it's a really big deal. Like, and I think what happens is the other. The other theme, that sex is natural. Everybody loves it. It sort of pushes its way into the mainstream culture. When sex is painful, it's awkward. We're not, like, really enjoying it. We're doing it in five minutes, you know, whatever it is. That's really a bigger narrative of what's going on, I think.

Absolute. So what you're saying is, is that, first off, desire discrepancy, to explain that is one partner wants sex more than the other.

Sure. There's a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner. And the lower desire partner always controls the sex in the relationship, regardless of how much they are complaining that the other partner wants sex. The low desire partner has the control in the relationship because they get to.

Say, I'm open, I'm closed for business.

Yeah. They get to reject them.

But then to tie that to pain is what I have also found is. And I think this is what you're saying is that so many women are having pain, which is more likely to happen as you in your 40s, I think, or late 40s. 40s. Early, late 30s. And all through the 40s, and then maybe your 50s, 60s. A lot of women are like, I've had pain. Could be hormonal, perimenopause, menopause. And so are you saying then that a lot of the lower discrepancy is because the partner's having pain?

I think a lot of times lower desire. If it's a couple and the lower desire is there, then yes, there's been a painful or an approach that has sort of taken one of the partners. If we're talking mostly about female sexual pain, then, yes, there's been something that the partner has done to the female that has sent her body into like a state of shock and traumatized it in some ways. Or she's had pain and she doesn't know how to express it and she's tried to work through it but she can't anymore. There's lots of. Or she never had a sex drive or I don't even like the word sex drive. So I apologize for that.

I hate all the work to sex. I feel like I want to rebrand sex in general. Can I get that contract? Do you think I can just rebrand it all? Like, there's so many bad words. Like, no. God. There's so many things we don't want to say that we say. Okay.

And there's so many things that we want to say that we don't say.

We don't say because we don't want to say that.

Yeah. Or you know, when you hear ouch and then the partner, if your partner is sensitive to that, then what are they going to do? They're not going to try this thing again. That hurt you.

Well, that's true. And I think also that women, what we do a lot is, is we, we just accept the pain. We're like, oh, well, then I just have to be pain and I'm not going to talk about it. So we do hear that a lot that couples are like, well, I didn't know why she didn't want to have sex. And then finally they admit I had some pain. We could talk to Jerry in Arkansas. He is 54. Hi, Jerry. It is sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. I'm here with Jamie Waxman. What's going on? How can I help?

Okay, I had this dilemma over the holidays and I don't know how to tell my wife this, but my daughter's friend that grew up with, you know, come to our house and she always called me dad and mom and this and that. Well, my daughter was in the army. My wife allowed her to come and stay for a while because she didn't have a place to live or anything. Well, I sleep all the way through the whole night and I got up, oh, probably about 2:00 clock in the morning and I dozed off on the couch and about 4 o' clock in the morning, somebody's jerking me off. And I'm thinking it's my wife, you know, getting frisky. And when I, you know, when I finally came to.

It was the 19 year old girl with daddy issues. And how do I tell my wife this?

Oh, wow. Jerry, what, what did you do in that moment?

Jumped up and I jumped up and said, this not. This can't be. You know, okay.

Jerry, was then. Okay, and then what? What did she do? Did she. Was she drinking? I mean, it was the middle of the night, so I'm thinking maybe there was some kind of. Not that. That I'm just trying to get them.

She, she, from what I understand from my daughter, from past, she has sex problems. She's a. Okay, you're nymphomaniac or, you know.

Okay, yeah, I got you, Jerry. Okay, well. Okay, so I think the first thing we have to do is.

Not, probably not have the woman in the house.

Set a boundary.

Gotta set a boundary with this woman. This woman coming over to your house. But that must have been so kind of traumatic. I would believe, Jerry. Right?

It was, yes.

And so I think, I mean, your daughter also has to come into this examination. Jamie, what do you think? How would you handle this?

I mean, first, I'm curious when you, you, because you put words in Jerry's mouth here that it was traumatic, but was it trauma?

Maybe it felt good. Thank you.

What was actually going on for you? You jumped up. You stopped it, Jerry. But what is, like, what, what are, what are you feeling right now? Or what are you noticing? Just even in the idea of telling.

Your wife, I'm scared.

And what is.

The thing that scares you?

But I also feel like I was taken advantage of.

I mean, absolutely, you were.

I, you know, I'm thinking it was my wife, and, you know, I come to and there she is, and it's like, you know.

I think it's important to share some of this with your wife.

And she says, what's wrong? Didn't you like it? And it's like, no, I, I did. I, I, I did, but I didn't like it from her.

Of course not. No. I mean, Jerry, this is, this was. This was. This was not consensual.

Yes.

This was not respectful. This was not something that. And I could see then why this would be alarming.

It is traumatic. Yes.

I just wanted to check, make sure.

That this was the words.

I do think that you have to, you know, let your wife know some of it, what you feel like telling. But what's this fear? What's the fear part of it? What could happen? How do you think your wife's gonna react?

My wife will say, did you lead her up? It's like, no, I didn't.

Did you know she was in the house? Right. Okay, so.

But I knew she was in the house. I knew she was there.

Did you guys, like, have dinner together?

I, I, I, oh, we've had dinner. We, you know, I've taken her out. I mean, she's been with us for, like, since she was 12 years old. She's 19.

Well, Jerry, but why would your wife think that you led her on?

I don't know.

Because the fear that you have is a, is an unwarranted fantasy right now. Unless there's facts that back up, right? That. Why would she say that to you?

No, I, because of how I talk. I'm not the perfect dad in the world.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, yeah.

And, you know, I, I've said things inappropriate with my sons. I've said it inappropriate things with my daughter, but never. Oh, I don't know how you, you know.

In joking matters.

So here's the way I think you have. You can approach this if I, if I can make suggestion is start with that piece, recognizing what you haven't done exactly the way you would have wanted to with your kids and your family and approach it from a humbling space with your wife, okay? So that she has compassion for you going into this.

Now, do I do it? Would I, like, take my wife out to dinner and talk? You know, I mean, the friend isn't the friend. Okay. What happened was my daughter's in the army, okay? She came up to visit while her friend from Oklahoma came up to visit, you know, and spend some time. Well, my daughter went back and hurt my friend. My, my wife, My daughter's girlfriend had to spend another two days before her flight went back to Oklahoma. So she stayed the two nights with us. But she's thinking for some reason that it's okay to jerk me when I'm, you know.

Was your wife also there? You say your wife was out of town as well. So it's the two of you in the house?

Well, yes, my wife was in her bin, in the bed. See, I don't sleep all the way through the night. I have sleep apnea. I'm 54 years old, overweight. And that's the other thing too, is like, why would you want to jack an overweight guy off? To be honest with you.

You know what? Well, this sounds like this was. Listen, I don't think it's about her. I think it's about the thoughts you're having about your wife. This sounds like this really was something that was really alarming. You might have made jokes.

It's all about trauma all around. This girl has trauma. This is Traumatic. There's a lot of that.

Yeah. And I.

Yes.

I like the idea of just really. It could be out to dinner. It could be the next time you two are. And you want to be in, like, a. A space where, you know, you haven't been arguing about anything. Like, you're in a chill space. And then you just might want to say, I really. I've been meaning to talk to you about something, and I have to tell you, it's funny. My first reaction was. Was kind of fear, because I thought you might think, abc, that maybe I. Cause I make these jokes. But I have to tell you, the most. You can fill in the blanks. The most startling, the most traumatic, the most alarming, scary thing happened in the middle of the night. And I want you to know that this happened, and it's really had this impact on me. And therefore, I don't think that, you know, obviously, we can't have her in the house anymore. And see what your wife says about it. You don't have to solve it all in one talking. But also. So you didn't do anything wrong here either. So.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Jerry, does that feel a little bit better to you?

Yeah.

Do you feel like you have some. Okay, good. You didn't do anything wrong at all, Jerry. This is not appropriate. And I think that your wife's gonna understand that, and I think you'll have some comfort in talking to your wife. But I understand also why that could be, you know, scary.

Yeah.

All right, Jerry.

Especially. Especially with my wife in the neck. See, my wife's also hard of hearing, hearing. So when my wife goes to sleep, she don't hear nothing. And everybody knows that.

Okay. But. Yeah, so that's why she thought she could come jack you off in the middle of night, which isn't appropriate. She should not be your. Your house guest. But I really don't think that you have anything to worry about here. If you talk honestly and openly and humbly to your wife, and you guys sound like you have a solid, you know, in your solid place, you'll be okay, Jerry. Just take it slow. Think about what we said. We're here for you. I'm here for you every single night, Monday through Friday. You can call me back. Thanks for your call. We got you, Jerry. I'll be thinking about you. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back even more of your calls with Jamie Waxman.

Okay. We have another guest that just welcome. He's just hanging out.

Just hanging out.

But he's welcoming. Listen you are. I. I feel that a lot of our listeners know about you, what you do. I have Simon Smith here, Vice president of, of business development and marketing. True. At WowTech, we vibe. When We Vibe and Womanizer came together, they created WowTech. So we talk about the We Vibes, the Womanizers all the time. So we started the show talking about the conference that we were at yesterday.

Sure.

Yeah.

So I said, simon, come check out the show. We talk about it. People call in, they're like, do you have an extra We Vibe charger for me? I'm like, I do not work for them. I am not We Vibe. I just love their friggin toys and like. We love you. So come in and say hi. And Jamie Waxman is here as well.

Thanks Emily. It's a pleasure to be here. You've always been such a great ambassador for us and things that you've done. And it's an absolute pleasure to be on your show and meet Jamie for the first time as well.

You guys don't know each other.

I heard lots of Jamie. Heard lots.

Jamie's a legend.

We're having good. This is really fun here, I gotta say. Well, having another therapist in the room is awesome. Yeah, it's nice to be able to another man all. Jamie had an interesting thought.

I was just wondering, you know the just the tip Tuesdays. I understand the origin of just the tip. Right. Like not putting it all in, which is also, I mean when you think about it at. When you're thinking about just the tip, it's really exciting. And I was wondering if people prefer just the tip because also the first one third of the vagina is the most sensitive. Exactly right. And also there's a lot of sensitive nerve endings around the butt. So is just the tip sometimes better than the whole thing?

Sometimes I think sometimes if I've already had an orgasm and then I want another orgasm, I think just the tip.

That makes a lot of sense because it's really sensitive.

Yeah. So sometimes you want the tip. Very good. Very good question. Very good discussion here.

I like just the tip if it's like the penis is slightly curved up.

Ah.

So it really depends on the shape.

Yeah. Because I feel like my G spot is actually very, very close to my vaginal opening. So. So I do like. That's why I do like a slight curve anyways. But yeah, I just feel like sometimes it's really nice and I can get off that way. And then the guy. It drives them crazy. Cause they just want to go all the way in but they know that. They love the tease.

Well, that's what I love about just the tip. It's the tease.

It's the tease.

You don't like teaser. We're talking about what couples were talking about when their lives go sour. When their sex lives go sour. There's not that much tease.

That's exactly it, Jamie. We have a sex toy expert in the room. One of our favorite companies. You know, the woman. Everyone knows about the Womanizer. I feel like it's had like legendary status now.

It has, it's been. It's funny. The two companies came together as creation of WowTech, but they actually have very similar origins with very passionate inventors for the we vibe as a couple and a very passionate couple inventing the Womanizer. So it really kind of made sense when the whole family.

Yeah, we were so excited.

See, this is what you do when your relationship goes stale. You create a sex toy.

That's it. Right. But didn't the founder. Isn't that sort of what it was based upon?

With Womanizer for sure.

I love that story.

You tell us.

Sure. Wonderful couple from Germany. And his wife simply never had a toy or an experience that gave her what she considered a fantastic orgasm. He set out as an inventor to create that toy. And hence the Womanizer was born.

Yeah, I mean, I met. He told me this story. I met him when we were in Germany. I believe that's where I met him at Airframe, which is another fun sex comic.

And I was like, oh, I was like literally fangirling because I couldn't believe that I got to meet him. You know, it was probably after three years after it came out or something. It's been five now. Yeah.

Yeah. We just had our five year anniversary.

I was like, tell me everything. And he said, well, my wife in his German accent, which I can't do. Wish I could. I'll work on that often. But he was like, I can't. My wife, she had this thing with the mouth and I tried to. She loved the mouth. My mouth. And I wanted her to be able to have it all the time and create it and make like you did it. Like. And so this toy, it does sort of simulate that the oral sex.

It does. And it uses. It uses a technology that had never been used before, which was really cool. It stayed away from vibration and it obviously used Pleasure Air.

So Pleasure Air technology, it's just. It's brilliant. So that's the Womanizer we're talking about. People often have questions about that. So, James. Yeah. When couples Come in. Things are stale. So how much do they get into the sex? Like, I. So we did something before. We were prepping for my Valentine's Day show, and I decided to bring in. I have all these letters that I. Do you ever save letters? I save letters.

I save lots of letters.

I have every letter I received. I call them my love letters from, like, relationships from the last, like, 20 some odd years. And there was one. I'm like, oh, that was a premature ejaculator, for example. And it was. He was. And they all were reading them. They're over. They're over there. They're actually a trip. There's a lot of them. And he. I was saying. He said, it's pounds. And he's like. I was. He's like. I was like, when I was 30, he's like, well, I'm working on my erect. And I'd forgotten about him because he was a premature ejaculator. He came after one minute for two and a half years. And I believe after that relationship, I was like, sex has gotta be better than this.

Did he have it before you too?

Yes.

Okay.

So I gave him a book. And the funny thing is, at 30, I didn't know any of this. So he was like, I'm gonna see a sex therapist. I'm trying to do the exercises in the book you gave me. I gave him the Multi Orgasmic Man. I remember.

Was he a highly anxious person? Do you remember?

I think so. Yeah.

I wouldn't. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. With premature ejaculation, I often will look for the anxiety. Any ED issues, there's gonna be some anxiety. Either they're afraid. Like, I remember a man that came in whose girlfriend was lying to him about everything and cheating on him. And I think he just wanted to come in so that somebody objective would be able to tell him, no, no, you're fine. But I kept saying to him, your penis is telling you you're afraid of her. That is why you are not getting harmed. And as soon as he broke up with her, he never came back.

Oh, interesting. But he never came back. But did he get into another relationship?

I have no idea about that part, but I imagine his penis was working again.

Yeah, no, you're right. It can be a. You're right. Maybe I freaked him out, but I happen to know who he got married to and had kids with. And I happened to know from a mutual friend that it still happens.

It still happens.

Oh, so the point of that was when people come into you, though, it made me think about like, do you help them with these kind of things?

Orgasm, ejaculation, any ED issue, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, a lot of it becomes mindfulness based. You want to go into a somatic experience with the people, with the men especially to get them to know their body, know what's going on, how they're feeling, when it's working, what that feels like. I will always ask people too if they don't feel like they have a firm erection, if that's only with a partner or if this is when they're alone. Because a lot of times guys who will watch videos and porn, they'll have no problem being hard. But then a woman comes into the picture or another man comes into the picture, whatever it is, and things go awry.

And do you feel like you're hearing more and more of this correct lately about porn?

Yeah, we talked about this. I think the last time I saw you, it was so long ago. But porn is. And I've always been a bit big advocate. I've made, you know, I've made porn for Adam and Eve years ago and I.

You were in it, but you.

I mean I hosted it as a sex educator, but I'm not. No, I'm not. Not performing in it.

But you'd be good at it.

Not so sure anymore. But maybe in my past I would have prided myself on something like that.

Same.

And I just. Where were we going?

Oh, I'm like, I'm taking us on a wild ride to.

But the porn piece has become more problematic. Especially you see this in younger men and you see this a lot of the times because the substitute for relationships becomes pornography. And if you're in your 20s and for 10 years even all you do is look at porn to get off because you're not. You're busy with, you know, your career or whatever else and you're not thinking about relating. When you hit 30 something and you're ready to relate to women, they are not going to relate to you the way you think they will from the.

Movies or the videos because they've been watching. That's all they've seen. Because don't you think like in our. Okay, so back in the day when porn wasn't as ready available.

Yeah.

Like, right, Sam, you can think about this too. We, we didn't. I think, not that sex was always perfect, but we didn't have all these expectations of this is how sex is. Right?

Yeah, absolutely. And it's. I think it's quite worrisome today how the young people are learning about sex and sensuality because they're getting it from a very different source than when we did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And now. And now it might be kind of hurting their relationships as well.

Right?

Yeah, I see a lot of that, and I see a lot more like extreme sexual behaviors coming out early on in relationships, because this is how they've always watched sex or got off by.

The choking thing is the thing that keeps coming up. Like, people not even asking for consent and just assuming that, like, choking is literally part of sex. Like, I'm gonna do the choke move, and then they're not doing it correctly or consensually.

Yeah, I mean, that's a very scary one.

Yeah, it is.

I'm wondering, Jamie, if that. You talked about anxiety a minute ago, if that's coming from. They think they have to perform like they're seeing on porn or in the movies, which just simply isn't real life.

I think sometimes that's the case. Like, I was even thinking with Emily here, you have this beautiful woman, and you go into a place of, I don't deserve this. I'm not good enough, or she's gonna leave me if I don't get. If I don't fix this problem that's always been. Cause every beautiful woman has left me. And that creates anxiety. So you're not gonna get out of that loop. So it really depends on the situation.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. We just trip out. And the thing is, if it only happens once, too, then that could create the pattern. I mean, anxiety. I feel like anxiety is an epidemic.

It is.

And as a result. And anxiety is always one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. So do you believe we're in a sex crisis?

Ooh, that's a good question.

Do.

What would it look like if it was a crisis? Okay.

I believe it's okay. Well, what I believe is that it a crisis of connection.

I agree with that.

That we are not connecting anymore because we don't have to leave our homes to do anything. We can get satisfaction. We can masturbate. We can order our food. I have people come to my house for literally, my shoe person. I have to get my shoes. Heel fixed. What's it called? A cobbler. So what they're called.

No, it's what they're called.

A shoe cobbler. Like, they deliver schuber. We love shuber. They pick it up. Like, I don't. You don't have to leave your house. You don't have to talk to people. Like, there's nothing, you know? So I feel like there is more of a crisis of we're lonely. It's like the loneliness epidemic. And then that might be making us more anxious. And as a result of that, we're not having sex.

Well, yeah. And connection also is not. If you look at, like, the Internet, right. Or movies these days. I'm gonna sound so old and date myself here, but there's a lot of fast cuts. Everything is very fast and quick and. And if you're just connecting with somebody that gets. That's long and drawn out, it's not what we're. It's not what gives us satisfaction. We need constant satisfaction and difference.

Well, this is the tease thing we're talking about. The tease is the best part. I mean, the tease is the part that I think we crave. We crave that. The buildup, the early stages, when we just go right to the pounding, right? We want a little bit of words.

We want to feel really desired and appreciated. That's why the appreciation's going back there, too. We really. No, but all of it. We want to feel really desired and appreciated. We want somebody to pay attention to. And it's really sad when you walk down the street and see everybody in their screen. And that's life, right?

And that's also why we're not connecting and meeting people anymore. That's the other thing that's. Do you remember back in the day, you'd be out and you'd, like, meet people because you were waiting in line somewhere. You didn't always have a book in your hand to be reading. You were just like, hey, yeah. So is this line always that long? Or, man, it's raining, but now nobody's making eye contact. And I was saying this, like, last week. I was like, the good. The only good part about it is, like, if I do something stupid in public, like, I fall, I drop something. I look around me. No one's looking at me, because everyone's looking at their phones. Where back in the day, they're all looking, everyone's watching. And everyone's so distracted that, you know, you can't really make an ass of yourself. If you made a plan with somebody, you literally would be like, I'm going to see you Saturday night. And then you would see them. You'd leave your house. You can be like, change your mind. Text them that you're running late. Like, it would happen. But now there's no more buildup to that. You're not looking forward to Saturday night anymore because you're probably already like sending, you know, texting up until then, and you already feel like you know each other because you're like, you're in touch constantly. You don't have that. The missing, the anticipation, the teasing, the excitement is gone.

Yeah, you hit it dead. I think it's the anticipation and accountability. You made a plan on Tuesday and you thought about it on Wednesday. You knew where you were going Friday night and you were expected to show up and you just did. There was no backing out of it. There was no last minute changes.

You really couldn't.

No. And not only you couldn't, but you wouldn't even think of it. And that was it. That was the plan for the night.

You wouldn't think of not even showing up.

Correct.

Like, I remember it was like lore, like someone like, I went on a date and they weren't there. Like, they didn't show up. Like, that would be like a weird thing if you actually had a plan and you're sitting there like, table for two. And then you're waiting for it. I mean, I think it's like in the movies. You'd be like, they never showed up. They must have died. And now it's like, no, they swiped and they match with someone else and they decided not to show up on the date.

Exactly.

God.

I know. I was thinking about even like, on Saturday night, you knew you're going bowling. Right. Let's use that as an example.

But then you second bowling reference.

You look on all your social media. Oh, is it just saying you look on all your social media events and you're like, wow, but there's something better to do or different to do, or I want to see this person here. And so you're all, there's always too many options. And there is something about too many options making it impossible to make a real decision.

It's true. Isn't there like, there's a study by fewer choices or better in the long run? It is true. And now we have so many choices. Let's talk to Kyle, 43 in California. Hey, Kyle, what's going on? On, how can we help?

Hi, Dr. Emily.

Hi.

Well, I like the subject you guys are talking about. It's very interesting.

Yeah, keep talking about everything. Yeah, right.

Like when you meet people on apps and you text and so on and so forth without meeting them, it kind of dehumanizes in a way. Or, you know, you don't know that personal side of somebody. So people feel that accountability when they maybe drop the ball or, you know.

Yeah, I Mean, and also like, you're right. I mean you don't have the accountability, but also. Yeah, that's part of it. You don't have the accountability if you just met someone. But also you also make plans now, but then you're not like looking for. You didn't used to talk to someone. If you just got fixed up with someone or you just met someone, you wouldn't talk to them every night before your big date on Saturday. Like if you talked on Tuesday, so then you'd have that excitement and what's it gonna be like? And then the date would be one of discussions, discovery, and you got to talk and get to know each other. But now it's like you've been to their Instagram, you've checked out their whole life, you know what they do, and it's just not as fun. Kyle, what's going on with you? Yeah, well, tell me about you, Kyle.

Well, I move around fairly often for work lately. Like about three to six to nine month assignments. I take the occupational therapy just as a traveling therapist though.

And.

It'S been interesting because like, just for example, tonight a mutual, like a friend of mine, front of family gave me a number of somebody was like, hey, I think you really match up well with this person.

Give them a holler, you know, and instead of texting, I'm going to call because I was listening to one of your previous episodes from a little bit ago about love languages and about how, you know, you just. Somebody came up and just said hi to you and you got into a conversation.

I'm just gonna give her a call. I'm gonna skip the texting business and go old fashioned, I guess. But I, this isn't the first time in the past. Other times I'll kind of overthink and be like, you know, I'm not gonna be in this city for more than past like mid June. Like, what am I setting myself up for myself setting this other person up for? Like, should I call them? Like I have this, you know, desire for human connection, you know.

You're traveling a lot. Yes. I mean, I think you should absolutely. See you saying you have more hesitancy about, about making the phone call or should you even meet up with someone if you're fixed up with them in another city? I think it's about.

Yeah, now, you know, but then I know I'm not gonna. This job is over like mid June and so I'm like, like, you know, I don't know, it's.

I think that if you, I think that there's many people right now who are looking for connection as well. And then if you're upfront and honest and say, I'm in town for five months, let's hang out, because who knows, like you're not gonna, you know, who knows where you're gonna be? And maybe one day you'll decide to land some somewhere and, you know, set routes down. Maybe you won't be traveling as much. And I have to tell you that in my life and my experiences from traveling and I feel like I've met some great people that I'm still in touch with and I believe that these connections are, you know, maybe you have someone to go to lunch with, maybe it's not romantic, but they introduce you to some other friends. So I feel like it's much better than staying alone in your home or your hotel room or wherever you're staying in a city. So I think if you're honest and up front, I think that that's people would, you know, I think especially since a mutual friend introduced you.

Right. Didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. Mutual friend introduced us.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

So what's the part that you feel hesitant about?

I think it's.

I've been down the road, I guess before. Like I hear what you're saying is, and I do agree as far as, like, yeah, just reaching out and striking a relationship. It doesn't mean that it has to be something intimate or whatever. But at the same time, like I've been down the road before as far as I have met people in a city where I've just been working and you know, we hit it off and the chemistry is good, but the opportunity long term for me to stay isn't there. So then it becomes maybe something long distance and then, then that's just really hard and.

Right.

Kyle, you're 43 years old. Here's my question. You're 43 years old. What are you looking for now? Like, do you think that you're going to be traveling for the next 20 years? Do you think eventually maybe you'd like to settle down in one place?

I don't.

Yeah. Like my, my plan after the school year is most likely to move back to Los Angeles or San Diego there and from. And.

Some family and friends great. Live down that way. And I'm just kind of planning ahead and looking into more long term job opportunities down there. This was just a specialized school that I wanted to work at in the city, in Redwood City. That's a good opportunity to get some.

Good experience, I think you got to be honest. Everyone sort of moves around here in California. I feel like, I feel like you should be honest and just see if you have a connection and you meet someone. I think that's okay for you to do.

Yeah. And I think it's okay to be honest that long distance doesn't work for you. And so that if you notice it's getting to a place where it feels like the two of you, the chemistry is good and you're starting to question whether this is going to end when you leave Redwood City. I mean, there's so many options because if you meet a partner, they may be able to move with you if that's what you want. But you getting really clear about what you want and also being really clear that long distance doesn't work for you. And some of the deal breakers in these relationships that could be helpful in moving forward.

Okay. So just being like super clear and upfront.

Yeah.

Reciprocated. Yeah. That's basically, I know that that's what I would like as well from them and that way no one, I've had people.

Yeah. Kyle, you're fine. I mean, I'm telling you, I love that you are being so thoughtful about this, but I have to tell you that I, I, I've had situations that were temporary for me or people have been like, I'm only in town for a few months, do you want to meet? And I've definitely, you know, I decide case by case basis. But that to me, that's not a turn off. If someone's being open about the situation, it actually makes me feel like they're being more authentic and real and I'd be like, you know, I always feel like I love meeting people. That's something where I get, I get excited about making new connections, whether it's friends or lovers. So I think you'd be surprised what you're going to find if you're really honest and open about it. Okay. But you know, I'm here every night for you, Kyle, so let me know how it goes. I got you. Thanks, Kyle. Have a good night. Thanks for calling. It's fun. Dame. Because you know, diamond, we're here every night so people can do the next thing. Make that call, get back to you.

Do people get back to you?

They do. It's amazing. No, people call back to like, I took your advice and what was the latest thing that's come in? There's been so many who are like, I took your advice and I now I can give a better blowjob or Or I had a multiple orgasm, or I found out. And I always remember this. I'm asking jamie and answering, 25 years he's been with his wife. And I called in, he's like, we've never talked about our sex life. I was like, well, he's like, but we haven't been having sex and I'm at the point of divorce. I was like, talked him through it. And he calls back. He said, I finally asked her and she didn't want to tell me this, but she'd been having pain and she felt I was thinking, yeah, she said, I've been having pain. And he said, so now I know from listening to your show what she should do and she's going to get help. So people call back, we're on a journey together.

I have a question if we have a minute.

Yes, we have a few minutes.

So when people talk about their sexuality. Right. And their sexual identity and they don't identify as heterosexual and they're dating and maybe they like. Bisexual is a good example.

Right.

Because I feel like that's a more complicated and nuanced term still. When do you recommend that people tell somebody on a date? I know it's on the apps a lot of the time, so it may just come out, but when do you recommend that either they tell or they talk about it? Cause this is.

That's a really. Well, we. Yes. Because if they're bisexual, they're thinking, if they say right away, just so you know, I'm bisexual, and then someone might say, oh, why? I'm done, I'm done. Do it. The thing I think about if they're bisexual, that if you're out with somebody and it's known that it's a romantic date, like it's not just like they're going out as friends. Correct. I feel like, you know, that you're there to like, to see if you guys both connect sexually. So to say, oh, and sometimes I also, let's say it's a man and a woman going on. And he says, oh, but sometimes I also sleep with, with men. Unless it's a huge part of his, you know, he's like, no, I need that every day. Or I'm in a relationship with a man, I feel like sooner than later. But it's a case by case basis. Also telling someone they're out with it just if, if it comes up in conversation about your sexual history or what you're into sexually. But leading with it.

Because I feel like leading with it. I mean, especially if there are other identities like say you're in recovery or something else. Right. There are other identities that you're going to lead with. When somebody says we're gonna go to a bar cause I can't drink, that's an identity you need to like.

That's true.

Put out there first. I am. I struggle with this. This is why I.

No, we talk. We. Yeah. What do you tell cause people to do? And I just feel like, I mean.

I feel like before you're gonna be sexual you have to.

Yeah. But also, do you wanna be with. Well, here's the thing. I. I also wanna say this. I think that what I often say is you don't wanna be with someone who's not accepting all of you. Thanks to my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns producer Jamie as Michael Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep. Sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement. It's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well, Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the the evenings and I really noticed calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualia life.com sex with Emily for 50 off and here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q U A L I A l life.com sexwithemily thanks for qualia for sponsoring this episode.