Sex Talk, Interrupted

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm here with Anderson and we're taking your calls about sex and relationships. Topics include tips to be your most confident self on a date, what to do when one of you avoids the sex talk, how to detox from a toxic ex who made you question your own sexiness because, hey, you're hot, the best way to communicate your needs to a partner so they'll actually hear you, and I catch you up on my most recent sex adventure. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because it's a party there. It's a party of content, of information that you need to have better sex and relationships. And follow me on Instagram. I feel like— follow me? Why should you follow me on all my social media? Because you're going to be inspired and learn stuff. And we're having contests and things you want to win. And I love hearing from you when you all DM me. It's awesome. So it's all @sexwithemily across the board. And it's— oh, I'm here with Anderson.

Hey, DM me. You know, that's direct.

I don't even text you back, for all you old folks.

Yeah, and you don't— you don't text me back.

I'm sorry, I meant to. I will. And you're here now. It all worked out because, um, you know, it's almost holidays.

I was worried about you because you're one of these people that texts back. Like, if you don't text back, there's something wrong with you. I got a couple—

like, you're wrong, actually. I got a couple granola friends who, like, don't text back because they don't—

like, they claim not know how to use your phone, their phones, but you're, you're pretty good. You're conscientious. So I was concerned about you.

It's the follow-through. Like, I read it and then I'm like, reply, and then something else. Look, a puppy!

I can show you on my phone the history. You always reply to me.

Okay, I was worried about you.

Okay, all right.

It's not you, it's me.

It's really good to see you. You look fantastic.

Thank you.

Actually, I don't know if this is wrong, uh, to ask a woman, but I asked if you've had any work done since I last saw you because you look that good.

No, I'm not.

Was that offensive?

No, no, like, what kind of work would I do?

Good.

I don't like just working.

It's really good.

I've had, I've had facials.

And stuff. You're taking good care of yourself and you look fantastic.

Thank you, I feel fantastic. And it's holidays, so— 'Tis almost the holidays. Are you, uh, holidaying, doing stuff fun?

I'm crafty this year. I'm putting together— oh, I got the greatest gift! I stole it from my friend. Actually, you know what, my same friend who's granola, who I forgive when he doesn't take care of that. Uh, yeah, there's these things. I, I gave this to my wife for her birthday, and this is like— I actually thought of your show when I was giving it to her. It's my favorite gift I've ever given anyone, and you can— it just takes a while. So there's these types They're called typeset drawers.

I'm already not doing it, but go ahead.

Have you ever heard of a typeset drawer? Like from the olden days where they used to like, you know, do like newsprint and stuff and they have these drawers, they're skinny, you can look them up on eBay, they sell them and they're really old and they put like all the little letters in the different little boxes, little squares, and it makes like 198 different little like compartments and I got 198 pictures of our, the first 5 years of our relationship, of our married relationship, cut them all up and I put them all in there and it took me hours and hours and hours, but now it hangs on our wall and it's the coolest, kitschiest looking thing that just shows like our last 5 years, and like a timestamp.

Beautiful. I want to see it.

I got a picture.

That's really loving.

Yeah, that's so—

and it didn't cost me like less than $100. It just took a lot of time and caring and effort, and she absolutely loved it.

Oh my God, honey, that's really sweet and loving. I was gonna get someone a gift card.

Like, that's like a Target.

Yeah, and order online, email. I was so excited.

I saw my friend— it was at my friend's house, and I'm like, I'm stealing that idea.

That's genius.

That's pretty great. So Typeset, just, uh, search Typeset.

Okay, but can I pay someone to put the pictures in and find the pictures? No, dude, that's really loving. So that's awesome. And it's— I'm going to see my mom in Florida.

Oh, cool.

It's Florida, but I love my mom. And, um, for Christmas, for— yeah, for the holidays. Yeah, Christmas, uh, and it's Hanukkah and Christmas and all that. And so you guys listening, I know if you're like me, last minute gift shopper, you can still have a fun holiday and get some cool gifts. Go to our website. We have a new store on our website which I'm obsessed with. It looks really— I just love it. The user interface is really cool. There's, uh, all of our favorite toys. So you can go shopping there. We've got gift guides on our site if you want to know what to buy last minute. And I just thought of a good idea was that if you are like me, maybe in last minute with gifts that you just don't have time for to get there— first of all, I don't think that anyone cares if their vibrator shows up a few days after Christmas, if you want to, or their toy or their pleasure product.

It'd be better because, I mean, Christmas is a religious holiday, you know what I mean? You don't want those stocking vibrating. But like, if you get like the thing and you're like, oh cool, I get it 2 days later, yeah, perfect, okay.

Do the—

what I was saying before the show, I think maybe a gift card and then you can go shop with them on that Christmas day or later that night and figure out what you guys are gonna get.

Give them a gift card that says, we're gonna go shopping to our local sex toy store and I'm gonna buy you something, we're gonna get a hotel room, something, make it a thing, like an experience of shopping together and buying something too. So you could do that. We're also having a contest, Better Lover 2018. How will you be a better lover going into 2018? So think about it right now. Where are you at in your life? Where do you want to be? Like, do you want to still be having sex or be in your relationship the same way you are a year from now? If that's not the case and there's something you want to change, write it down and email us how you'd like to be a better lover in 2018. Maybe you want to make your communication stronger, break out of your routine, get more massages, give massages to each other.

And it might not always be porn too.

It could be less, less sex.

It could be like maybe like less porn.

Less. It could be an individual thing. You don't have to be in a relationship, right? Exactly. Or masturbate more. Or I'm going to ask for what I want in bed finally for the first time because I've never done that. And there's been this one thing I want to try.

How old were you when you finally tried to ask what you wanted? Took you a long time.

A year ago. It took me so long. Well, I think about the time I started doing the show.

And then you got your voice, your bed voice.

Yeah, but it's, you know, I've got to say it's challenging, but once you do it, you get used to it. So I'm like, every time I do it, I got to read the situation and be like, Wait till after, or how is he gonna take this?

It is awkward. It's always awkward.

But it's the fast track to getting everything you want in bed and to having better sex that's pleasurable for both partners or for your, you know, just for yourself. We gotta just focus on it. But I was saying about massaging, just separate from my own massage story, that I really believe that since stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive, which we always say that, and couples feel like they're not turned on at the same time, or women take a little more time to get turned on. If you just grab your partner, both, you know, Give them a massage for like 10, 15 minutes. Goes both ways, men, women, whoever you're with. It will just sink you into your body, your breathing, and then you're like, oh, now I might be ready for sex. I feel like it's totally overlooked.

Well, I've been saying to you for years that like every guy has an on button and it's a matter of finding that on button. I'm not sure that every girl does, but I'm a guy and I know I have an on button. And like, you know, if you want to—

Isn't it just like your penis?

No, I mean, there's different ways, but a massage would be one way.

Yeah.

These women that I hear say that their husband or boyfriend won't have sex with them anymore, I think that they're just not trying to find the on button.

Really? Like, okay, so meaning they don't know how to turn them on? You mean like physically on her body? Or maybe she— he needs to hear her say something or wear something or do something?

Yeah, do something. Or a lot of time I think, uh, girls are a little bit timid and, uh, they might just kind of like try and show signs, but they're like really subtle and the guy won't pick up on it because, you know.

Yeah, yeah. 2018 Better Lover. Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com by January 14th. Email us your submissions and you'll win one of 4 sexy prizes. We're gonna read your submissions if you're cool with that. Put Better Lover 2018 in the subject line when you're entering the contest. It's good to see you.

Yeah, I was gonna bring Stanley here, your favorite little four-legged friend ever, but I got places I gotta be afterwards. Plus Stanley is geriatrics. I've become like a part-time vet since I last saw him.

I understand, yeah. I was like that too before you came back.

He's getting close to the end and I'm trying to make him as comfortable as possible and it involves like IVs and massages and whatnot.

He's my baby. Well, you're a good man. And you got two babies.

So good to see you, good to see your staff. The place looks great, everything's great.

Thank you, I know, things are really good. I'm trying to think where to catch up.

Festive energy. It's crazy. Dildo-shaped candy canes at the front office when you walk in.

Exactly.

It's very nice.

What are we gonna do, right? So since I saw you, I'm trying to think what happened. I've been to New York, I went to Mexico.

Oh, Mexico.

Yep, I need to tell you about my Mexico experience.

Did you go to the same place as where, when you went to get the massage?

Yeah, so I saw him.

The same place, the same beach?

Same guy.

No, the same guy.

Yeah, we had a rendezvous.

Oh no.

We did. I mean, if you guys missed the show last year, we talked about the story.

We've kind of been talking about it a little bit this year, but I love this story.

It was amazing. So I met a masseuse, I was in Mexico last year, I go every year with my friends. A few happy endings. So I was, last year I met this wonderful masseuse that I probably wouldn't have. Remember Eddie who worked with us and he was like, you need to take a Latin lover. You've never had like a Latin lover. Oh yes, I said I never really thought, not that I wouldn't. But anyway, getting this massage last year and it was the best massage.

Let's be clear, you met him on the table.

On the table.

Yeah, it's not like you met him at the beach and you're like, oh, you're a masseuse, like after like dinner.

No, his mom owns a very successful massage.

Right.

Parlor, parlor massage studio.

Wait, it's his mom's? Yeah, I didn't know this.

For years, but his mom wasn't there when we had sex. Nothing, nothing. He didn't tell him. She's older now, he's running it. Okay, so he's done— he does other things as well. So anyway, we had this, and then what happened was—

I'm sorry.

No, she doesn't know. He doesn't do this with everybody. Okay, he doesn't. I know him deeply.

You don't think he does it with every gringa he meets?

No, I know that he doesn't. See, and I know that that's what people are thinking, but so just to back up with the story real quickly, and you can go back and we can put that podcast in the show So you guys can find the story from last year.

Yes, it's a good one, it's a great story.

Because we met up and then we had this massage and I went back to my friends, I was like, was that a real connection, was it just me? And then I ended up running into him on the beach last year and then we ended up having sex in the palapa with the massage table in it where I had the sex. So this year, fly back to the same place with the same friends, we go every year, and I have to be honest, it wasn't until I landed that I thought, oh.

No.

I swear, I had it.

There's no way.

I probably thought about it 2 weeks earlier, a flash.

You know what, I believe you 'cause you're Emily Morse and her mind is going so many different directions at once that I could see her like actually, touching down in Mexico when it occurs to her, oh yeah, I banged some stranger last year on a massage table.

I wonder if he's still here.

Same exact place.

Yeah.

So I think— and I've been in a lot of— I've had pain, you know, I work out, I have stress, and I was like, I really— part of this trip was a healing for me.

Pain's right on the G-spot. Just really work that, it's tender.

Exactly. That's— but you're— but we're going ahead.

Don't do the shoulders, ignore the back, just straight to the G-spot. Right.

So I get there and I think, okay, I— and this week for me was about —because massage, what I realized, I used to think that it was this luxury pampering thing, like getting your nails done, and it was just this. But I realize now how healing it really is. It's like maintenance. For the touch, but the hard, like the Thai massage, when they get into it and you release tension. But also, we keep a lot of emotions stored in our body and stress and memories and all this stuff, and it releases.

I learned that on a Malcolm in the Middle episode where Malcolm's mom went to get a massage and she was like bawling hysterically. and then she became addicted to those massages because she had to get her emotions out.

I became addicted to a massage as well. Addicted.

Addicted, I get it. Accocted? Yeah. What? No. Accocted.

So, okay, so I get there and I think, okay, I'm gonna go to the salon, I'm gonna make an appointment, I'm really excited to see if he's— Were you nervous?

Like your heart was kind of like, is he gonna be in here?

Well, here's the thing, it's Mexico, so what you do is there's a sign-up sheet. It's this nice salon, but you just have to write your name in a pencil. Like they have all the masseuses' names and then you write your name and the openings they have that day. 'Cause it's a slow town. It's not like you have to go in and do the computer thing. It's like, sign up, who do you want? It says his name. I remember what we called him last year. I can't use his real name.

Juan, I think. Juan.

So I'm like, Juan, he's here. So I write down my name. What?

Never mind, his name's not really Juan, okay. I was gonna say there's probably a lot of Juans, but okay.

That's good though. We don't want the one I know. So then I realized that I want him to come to my hotel room 'cause it says they will do visits to the hotel.

You do want them to come to the hotel. Yes, why not?

I have this lovely room. Very forward of you. I should tell you that I got upgraded to the master suite in this hotel I was staying in.

Why is that?

Because I was angry. Big listener? No, I should have played up that, but no, I don't do that. But I was, because it was like the balcony room, which was supposed to cost more money, and it's literally a balcony that's on the street. And what's on the street? Like loud vendors and families and kids, and that's not relaxing to sleep.

Too much Mexico for you.

Too much Mexico when you're trying to sleep. So I said, this is not something I would pay for. I would never pay for this. This does not seem like you. This is like a whole new Emily. Oh no, I get very particular about my hotel rooms and my travel. So they're like, no, no. I'm like, they're like, okay. I'm like, you must have another room. Obviously I can't stay in this room if you want me to sleep.

Obviously. I mean, look at me.

No, I'm good at this. Travel with me. So he brings me up to this suite and he's like, I said, and obviously this will be the same price because this was, this is not good. So I get up there for 2 nights because then I was moving to another place with my friend. Got there, so it's beautiful. It's the whole top floor. There's like a dining room table and there's like there's a chaise lounge outside and there's a whole flush shower and two bedrooms. Like a commercial for Mexico, right? So I, I go in, I have to go upstairs now into the, into the massage place, and I see a woman, beautiful woman behind the counter. I said, hi, my name's Emily, I signed up for a massage with Juan. And she says, oh yeah. I said, is he in town? I said, looks like he's in town. She goes, yeah, he's here this week. I said, can you come to my room? And she's like, my friend was with me, my friend, uh, Charlotte. And then she says, yeah, sure, no problem, where you staying? I told her. We walked down and I said, okay, I feel really weird now because, A, I don't know if he remembers me, right? B, like, is it weird to be like, oh, that woman who came here? Of course. Of course. And like, I don't know, C, and then I'm paying him. But this— we had sex and it was weird. I didn't know. And I felt like, do I go back? And I'm overthinking it.

Well, you should, though, in this situation. I don't even think this calls for a little Emily overthinking. Oh, this was right. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. Okay, good.

So I just put myself in your shoes and your, your heels, and I would definitely be overthinking all of this. I'd be very concerned. I'd be worried because I'm cheap too, and I wouldn't want him coming over and seeing my expensive, like, penthouse and expecting to be—

We've already transcended that. He's not about money. He's a Chinese medicine doctor. He's got a good job. No, he's like, he does the massages to help his mom out. Now I found once a month for a week, so he happened to be there.

Oh, he's that lucky? Lucky. Are you lying to me? You built this entire trip around his schedule? No, because that wouldn't shock me either, dude. This is the universe manifesting.

Okay. So I go up to my room, I unpack, and I see him because he comes to my door. The guy from downstairs brings him up, and it's like a few hours later. And I open the door and he comes in with his massage table and he looks at me and he's like, "Oh, I thought it was you. I saw you. I wish I could do Spanish." No, it's probably best that you don't. Last time I tried Italian, it wasn't good. And he's like, "I thought it was you when it said Emily, and I'm so happy you came back to me. You look beautiful. Do you know how many times I've thought about you?" That's what he said to you?

Yes.

He says, "I thought about you," and I said, "Yeah, I thought about you too," and he said, "You came back to me. I'm so glad," and then he starts setting up the table, and I'm sitting on the bed.

On the bed? Do you understand how many signals you're sending this guy?

Well, because that's where we had to set up the table, because there was a dining room. It doesn't matter. That's what the best place. And I'm thinking, well, do I end up making small talk? Like, "How's the massage business? Tell me about your Chinese medicine." And he said he's been studying tai chi every day, and he learned like the Tao of sex, and he's learning all this stuff around sex, and he wants to like talk to me about it.

He knows what you do? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. If you thought you were like a, like a cook or something, that'd be a really weird thing to bring up, especially with your past. And he's willing to—

Tantra? No, right? Exactly.

That'd be really weird.

No, he was catching me up on his life because he had a few words exchanged.

So he like listens to Sexo with Emily Morse?

He doesn't, because he doesn't get what it is. And I said to him that I talked about him on the podcast, and he said, can I get a tape? Like a tape? That's cute. That's cute. So like, he really is— and he doesn't have a phone.

Oh, this guy slept down there because he loses it all the time.

Oh, he's perfect for you then, because I went back and his sister's like, he hasn't had a phone. I'm like, why? She's like, he just loses it.

Oh, or he just loses girls' numbers after he massages their G spots.

This is what it's like, but it's not. There's 5 days of stuff that went on here, okay? And I don't know how to tell it all in this show.

Well, I'm just— I'm glad I'm getting a taste because I haven't seen you in a while.

It's one of my favorite stories ever, so, uh, from The one from last year, right? And to think that he was there and he remembered—

I just gotta know because I'm sure you can bring it up and you got plenty of shows in the future where you can like touch on this some more because we got a lot to do today.

So much. We're taking your calls. Did you close the deal for a second time?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, he starts for 5 days worth.

I had 5 massages. 5.

Did you see your friends at all while you were there? Sometimes. Oh, that's so annoying.

No, I'm kidding. I did see my friends, of course, but it was like I did it at times and he came back to the room and he would come for like—

Did he charge you every time? No. Every time we charge you?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.

No. Any, uh, meals or anything with this guy, or is it just—

he brought me sushi one night, and one night we did naked time. We did naked, um, tai chi for like an hour and a half. What? Yeah, no, I love it.

What is your life? Your life is like from the '70s. Like, this is not a real story that happens in 2017.

It is. There's so many—

yes, exactly. Tai chi with my Mexican masseuse. Exactly.

It was amazing, and I learned a lot from him about Breath and orgasm, like I talk about, he doesn't actually ejaculate as often. Like when you turn— he's learned, and I've heard this, he's all out from doing it all day. Oh yeah, once a week. No, he doesn't. He doesn't have sex. I know that you think this.

I'm a man, right? I have it.

Maybe I'm not saying never, but I don't think that this is his jam. Everyone's laughing there, but I don't know.

But would it hurt you if you found out it was his jam? Like, that was his thing.

Here's what I want to tell you. It was really interesting on a lot— in a lot of levels because he gave me this amazing massage and this release where I have no more pain in my body. We connected sexually. So that first night he came over, he starts massaging me. He's like, I can't— like, I, I need to like touch you and you're so beautiful. And then he went down on me for like 45 minutes.

Jesus, this guy doesn't mess around.

But the bummer was I didn't get my massage the first night because he was doing that. He was massaging your vagina the entire time.

Exactly. Which is kind of what you're hoping for if you had to pick, but Right, but then I was still in pain.

So he leaves, I'm like, you know what, I still need a massage. Go to work, Juan. So we ran into him the next day. Uh-huh.

Because small town. Why didn't you get another masseuse for the real massage?

Well, that's what I said. I said, we can no longer, right, carry on. I want to do tai chi, I want you to go down on me as often as possible, but I've got some back things going on and we need to work on this.

I need an actual masseuse, not a man.

So then he said the next day, I will send someone to you that's actual. I said they have to be good pressure. So the next day he shows up, but he's like, today— and he said it was someone else, but he's like, I'm your practitioner. So it was like a role play, help himself.

But he's the nicest guy. I don't believe in all that shit with like, it's the universe talking and, you know, serendipity, but I kind of believe it in this case. See, this is perfect.

Saying it, he was like, this is what you came back and I— he's like, I have to see you again.

Do you kind of want to send one of your friends down there as like a, like a sting operation?

Yes, I do. I think you should. But he's so not sting— like, you can't. Yeah, you're right. I'm curious though.

I think you should. —get somebody who looks a little like you, you know. Can you remember?

And here's what I learned, what I loved about him is that every time he saw me—

Do you want to try and see if it happens with a guy?

—is the good things he did is that every time, besides the oral and everything else, every time he saw me, he really saw me and he was like, "You look so beautiful. You look like a goddess." Whatever I was wearing, because I had all my little bikinis and my outfits, and he was like, "You're just— you're so—" This is going to sound cheesy, but he saw me like, "You're beautiful." He saw you for how you wanted to be seen. Well, fuck, dude, every woman wants to be seen as a beautiful goddess. So he massaged you the ego as well? And he would look at me, but it was not conniving.

He's not like, this guy's good. This guy can probably get out of Mexico.

I don't care if he even talked to me is the point. Okay. Like, here's the thing, he was saying it because he felt it. It wasn't like, I've got to say this together. I was already, I'm on board, dude, and I'm paying you. So he didn't have to, but he would be taken in that moment. I think it was probably authentic.

I still think you should do a sting.

And then he taught me how to talk dirty in Spanish.

Wow. Give me some. Give me right now.

I won't remember. Chinga? Is there any chingas? There's a lot more to this. I'm just gonna have to talk about it another show with you because I feel like to devote an entire show. My wrap-up on this though is that I feel like I love where I'm at my life right now, that I can be a woman who travels and I'm single and I'm experiencing a lot of things sexually and finding partners that are on the same page as me, who are studying the same things I am, who's into breath, who's into intimacy, who's into tantra, and who really loves providing oral sex. Sex.

Yeah, he, he did everything that— it's almost like he had a file on you.

He remembered everywhere I wanted to be touched on my body, including the massages.

He's good. He's really good. So that's my story.

We're going to get into the show now. We're going to get into the callers. Oh, sweet. Thank you everyone for listening. We're going to give a shout out to our sponsors because we love them. Thank you for supporting them. We'll be right back. Okay, we've got Daniel. He's 28 from Seattle, and he wants to know how to get his long-distance girlfriend to open up talking about sex. Hey Daniel, welcome to the show. Hey, how's it going? Good. I'm here with Anderson.

What up, Daniel? Hey, what's up, buddy?

So tell me what's going on.

Hey, so I got just a quick question.

Um, we've been in a long-distance relationship for about 2 years now. She's in a different country going to school, and I'm here, you know, just working. And obviously all that— our sex life is kind of— I don't know how to explain it. I never see Absent?

How often do you see— yeah, yeah, very, very.

Um, I mean, she visits obviously for holidays and, you know, summer break and all that. It's fine then, but it's like when she's away in school, it's like I don't have that connection, you know what I mean? Like there's no— right. Um, yeah, there's nothing there.

I get it because you're not actually seeing each other, right? So you're wondering how to connect and enhance your—

wait, can I ask a quick question? Yeah. Did— so you met her and had like an actual relationship before it became long distance?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, she's from here. So yeah, she went to school in a different place.

Which country is she in, or do you not want to say?

Uh, I don't want to say. I don't know.

She's up in Canada.

How long were you guys together before she moved, um, went away?

About a year. Okay.

And how long has she gone for?

Um, another— about another year. She's got to go. Okay.

So are you feeling like she's— and you guys are monogamous? You're not seeing anyone else? No.

I mean, not that I know of, no.

And you feel like she's the one, probably, if you're willing to try this long distance thing as long as you are, because it sounds like by the time she gets back, two-thirds of your relationship will be with her in another country. Exactly. Yeah, right.

I mean, she's definitely the girl I want to be with. It's just my question is I want to figure out how to be able to talk. I feel like I can't talk to her about sex, right, at all while she's there. I feel like I don't get— I don't get that reciprocated. Like, I try, I don't know.

Well, how do you— how are you trying? She probably— you— what kind of things do you want to talk about?

Sexting and stuff, you know, like, I want to get kind of, of course, like, you know, something out of it. And it's like, I find myself, you know, obviously looking at other, of course, other people.

And I'm like, okay, well, you're a 28-year-old man and you are, you're living in Seattle, your girlfriend's out, you know, she's away and you're seeing her 2 to 3 times a year and you want to like enhance the intimacy over the phone. And I can totally give you tips for like long-distance relationships and sex. And I'm going to give you a few right now. But what I'm curious about is like, it's not going to be the real thing. And obviously, and no matter, you could start sexting and all that stuff, but I wonder if that's going to actually be enough. It's like you're really missing that connection, that intimacy. And I'm wondering how realistic it is at your age for a year and a half to keep this going and not having, you know, a slip up.

A slip. Yeah. It sounds like it's right around the corner.

Yeah. And maybe it's not realistic.

Yeah. That's incredibly hard because before we met, I was like doing the Tinder thing. I was like 3, 4— I don't want to brag, you know, I'm not going to sound like that guy, but I was like 3, 4 girls a night almost. And it was just like— that's pretty impressive, Daniel.

Were you together? Cut that off.

That guy— no, I get it.

Hey Daniel, have you asked— have you talked to her about— has she even opened up to the FaceTime or WeConnect app?

I have so many ideas for you.

Yeah, we've tried it. She's— she said she kind of shut it down. So she was just talking to me in the beginning, in her head, it sounds like.

Well, it sounds like— when was the last time you saw her?

A couple months ago.

Dude, this is a lot of time to be away from someone who's in school, experiencing new— meeting new people in a foreign country.

Ultimatum time, like, I'm gonna go back to 3 or 4 a night if you don't sex time with me. I'm kidding.

No, I'm, I'm thinking of those apps. Well, here's the thing. Well, when are you gonna see her again? Uh, in a week or so. Oh, perfect. Okay, so here's the thing, Daniel. You guys are gonna spend time together, and what I want you to do is tell her that how you, how you'd love to, you know, connect with her sexually when when you guys are gone. And I have some— have you guys ever used toys together?

No. So I got a flashlight.

A flashlight?

Okay. It's okay for me. I did get, uh, two cock rings though. Okay, cool. I did talk to her about it and she's open to it.

Awesome. Okay, so I've got a great idea for you. So there's— so you know that I love— we've— if you've been listening to the show for a while, I love We-Vibe, and every single toy they make is amazing. So now the majority of their toys come out— they have an app called We-Connect, and it's free, you know, free for any phone. And you guys can both get this. You can— she can have a vibrator, you can have a vibrator. You could be in the next room or, you know, thousands of miles apart. You guys, it's like, it's kind of like FaceTime where you guys, you call each other on the app, you see her, she sees you. She's using a vibrator, maybe you're using their penis ring, like their Pivot, and she's using like their Rave or their Nova, which is like the G-spot toys. And you can control it on your phone while looking at each other and having like a sex date. So you're controlling her vibe. You got it on your phone. There's all these cool controls. You control it by dragging your fingers, like the intensity, the vibration patterns. And then you're looking at each other and it's really hot and it's the coolest thing right now. So you control it. She controls it. You could watch her if she's into that. And what I would say is when she gets here, buy her, like, go shopping. You're in Seattle. There's sex toy stores there. You could figure out which ones you want. And then you could just say, like, let's try to do this once a week and have a real date, a connection, because that would be hot too. And they also have a function on it where you could text through the app. I think that'd be cool. But I think you have to let her know also that the intimacy is really important to you. So I think planning a date once a week where you're actually sitting there and you're on FaceTime and you're looking at each other and you've got your dinners, maybe a glass of wine, and you're really like connected and you're talking about things. And you can— I think you need to lay the groundwork for what kind of sex talk you need when she's gone and then practice it a little bit. Like, it kind of would go like this, because the problem we do is a lot of times we give advice to our partners thinking that they're gonna get what we mean. Like, I need more sex talk, and she'll be like, I don't know how to do that. So to really get into what feels like— what would be satisfying to you, and then she could let you know what would feel good to her. So have that before she goes back so you'll feel connected again. Yeah.

So I have a quick question. How do I like help her open up to, to that? How do I get her in that? Because I feel like she's kind of shut off, like, talking about sex. In general, right?

So Daniel and Emily, you're probably gonna be able to help here, but I think that the way you approach it is really important to, like what Emily said, talk about intimacy and connections and less about the sex, more about connecting with her and how, you know, she's not stupid. I'm assuming she understands that intimacy is a large part of a successful relationship. So make it quite clear that it's bothering you that you obviously can't have this because of the distance between you and you're trying to find solutions to keep your relationship healthy until she gets back. Like, you're trying to keep your relationship in a good place, which is definitely a challenge, but you gotta approach it like— you gotta speak chick, like you gotta talk like intimacy, right? You gotta— and connections, and yeah, and then, you know, the sex will follow. That goes into it, it's part of it.

But yeah, and, and she— the truth is, if this is the partner that you're going to want to be with, she's gonna— you know, you're gonna have to get to the point where, you know, like, if she is finding her voice and feels comfortable talking about sex. But I think couching it in the form of like starting with connection and intimacy, you know, that'll be a start. How important is for you that you don't— not sure you could continue if you don't have that.

And don't lead with sex because I mean, that's, you know, then she's gonna start getting all threatened or think— and plus she's just not open to it to begin with.

But, and I would also say, you got to say to her, I understand that you're not that comfortable with sex. It's very important that couples talk about it. You can blame me, said you're listening to the show, but like I always say, prioritize the conversation around sex, you will prioritize your sex life, you'll have better sex. If you guys never talk about it, it's not going to move along. Like, you have to. So ask her what would be comfortable for her. Talk, because you got to talk about it, and it's always going to be awkward at first, but she's got to like give something.

Yeah, and then if he already has a gift, because she's going to be here, if he already has that gift and you give it to her, you can be like, this is the closest I can do things with you when you're not with me. This is the closest that we, we have with technology. Thank God we have this. And that's pretty cool.

Boom. I would check it.

Yeah, the timing of this is pretty good with Christmas right around the corner. Totally.

Is that good? Yeah, I mean, like, the sex when we're together, you know, it's good, it's great, you know, but it's just, it's the distance. That's the— well, that's where we struggle.

The closest we can give you is a toy. I mean, you can't actually— you can't teleport yet, but I'm just— you know what I'm saying? So, and you're gonna have to realize too, I'm also wondering if you can really handle— like, it's a long time not to be having sex. So, I mean, No kidding. Yeah, so I see. I appreciate we're trying to— I used to do it. I get it.

I used to play a professional sport, so it's like, yeah, so I know, I know what that's, uh, I don't want to say.

Oh, this is why he's 3 to 4 times a night guy, because he was a pro. I know, it's amazing.

Okay, good luck, Daniel. Just have— just do it. Rip the band-aid off. Have the talk with her. Don't wait till the last day. Like, literally do the night she gets there, or the second night. First night, you might want to just have sex the whole night.

I can see like a really open couple having like surrogates Okay, thanks, Daniel, so much.

Let us know.

I could see you doing that. What do you mean?

Okay, bye, Daniel.

You're awesome. Somebody who kind of looks like me, she's gonna have sex with you tonight, think of it as me, have sex in the dark, and vice versa.

Oh, I don't think Danny wants to do that. Bye, sweetie. Thank you for calling in. Let us know how it goes. Here's the thing about Daniel is that I, I love that he's really trying to make it work. He seems really sincere, and I know what that's like when you're really in love with someone, but it just might not be realistic. And I'm just thinking he might be just spinning his wheels here because trying to get her to talk about sex and and there's a lot of— there's a lot of roads here, and they're not in the same country.

The old me would have said, dude, it's over, just, uh, bail and start going 3 to 4 a night again. But, uh, that's the old me, Emily. And it sounds like he's halfway down the road with her, and, you know, he's got another year, and he thinks she's the one. But maybe they're mature enough to say, look, we'll get back together when you get back in town, if it's meant to be. Yeah, I just worried that, you know, it's— it's gonna get to a point where he's going to just get resentment and, uh, I feel like— go out and do something.

I feel like a year and a half at that age, you know, I don't know, or any age really, prime sex years. Exactly. I feel like he's already feeling it, I just want him to go out and have some sex right now if she's not here, and they can always come back together.

But you know, Christmas coming up, he's gonna get this, uh, the WeVibe thing, right? Well, exactly. Do the little app and see if that works.

Don't get me wrong, I hope that it does work for them, but sometimes it's just, uh, you know.

And a surrogate if he has to.

You're funny. Okay, our next call, we've got David. He's 49 from Oklahoma City, and he wants to know how to improve his odds with women. Hi, David.

Hi Emily, how are you? I'm good.

I'm so glad you decided to call in because I want to help you here. Yeah, and I'm here with Anderson.

Hey Dave, you got a common, common problem here. Everyone, most guys have this, this issue, right? Because yeah, ebbs and flows. Single guys want to improve their odds, of course. So let's, let's get to it.

So what's going on? Tell us what's going on.

Okay, so, uh, I'm divorced, 49 years old, um, and, uh, I have a good career. I'm in pretty good shape. I look younger than my age, and on paper I think I look decent. I mean, I don't say that to sound arrogant or anything, but I mean, I just think that—

No, do it. Awesome.

I mean, I've gotten some pretty good feedback in that regard, but I'm an introvert, and I'm also kind of shy. I've never really overcome my fear of rejection, I guess, even though I have dated a lot. So I think this works against me in a big way, especially based on where I live, which is Oklahoma City. It's not my hometown. I'm kind of an outsider here. The culture here is to get married very young. So I'm kind of odd man out, right, as far as that goes.

So like all the, all the good ones are off the market already, you're saying?

Yes, exactly.

And you're divorced. How long were you married? And when did you get divorced?

I was married for 3 years. I've been divorced for 8 years now.

Okay. And you haven't dated much in the last 8 years?

I actually, I have dated a lot, but I've been ghosted a lot and I've only had really one real relationship that lasted about a year. Okay.

And what happened with that one?

We, we just, we just weren't a really good fit.

So right now I get it. Okay. I was wondering if there's any like clues here. So you're saying you're having a hard time because you're getting ghosted. You're meeting women. How are you meeting women?

Mostly online because most of my friends are married and their friends are married, so it's hard to— you know, the dating world has changed so much, right? It's hard to meet— it's hard to meet people through friends anymore. Well, I don't think that's true.

So I think those are some limiting beliefs that like there's no one in your town, you're not going to meet with your friends, everyone's already taken. So I'm hearing a lot of objections from you that aren't necessarily true. Some— there might be some truth to them, but it's not absolute. I think you absolutely can meet people from your friends. People are getting divorced, moving through, moving to town, maybe they're visiting. Like, you can always meet people.

Yeah, Oklahoma City is big. It's a big—

it's a big— you guys got an NBA team, right?

And there should be a lot of—

yeah, yeah.

And I, I feel like it's kind of defeatist, and I get it because like dating for a long time, being single is challenging, but I feel like you need to look at it with a fresher perspective that there are plenty of people out there for you to meet in the ways that you think that you can't. So it is telling your friends that you're single and it is saying yes to those different events that you get invited to and taking a class or doing things that are outside of your comfort zone to meet people. And then the fear of rejection, that is something that, like Anderson said, a lot of men do experience that fear of rejection. And I'm wondering if it's, it's so crippling to you. And I'm wondering why, like, is there something from your past that happened that you haven't quite released yet? Because, you know, you're 49 years old, you've been single dating for a while. So I'm wondering that that's the thing you're bringing up. What is there something that we could like a major rejection or something that happened or that comes up for you?

That scarred you? Scarred you?

We all have. Well, definitely, definitely the divorce scarred me. But I had fear of rejection before that. I think that that definitely made it worse in some ways. I kind of regressed after my divorce because that was a big rejection. I didn't want the divorce. And I think the other part is I'm just— it's unclear to me when a woman wants to be approached. Maybe I'm just I'm not good at reading the signals, or I get stuck in my head and I don't know what to say. Right. So that works against me too.

Okay. I got it. So this takes practice. And so here's the thing. It's really hard to read clues, especially for men. Like they often say, like, just, there's so many times where women are like, why didn't you hit on me? And I think that women, you know, they want, they want to be approached. Like they'd love to, you know, in a way that's not obviously like creepy or you're in their face or being offensive, but just hide. Just start talking to them, like strike up a conversation. I do think that— why not try? Like, you've nothing to lose with that. This is going to take practice for you, and I'm— and I feel like the more that you just practice talking to women and talking to people wherever you're at when you're out in the world is going to help you. But I'm wondering if there isn't something else here. Have you ever had therapy?

Yes, since the divorce. Really big into self-improvement, and I've done a lot of therapy, particularly around communication especially after my divorce. So communication specifically with women. So I've done a lot of that.

So, so you feel like you learned it all, maybe you haven't put into practice yet. So maybe you did.

Totally true.

So I feel like, what environment could we put you in where it's not as high of a risk? You're like, oh, I'm so afraid I'm gonna— you know, do they still have speed dating? I swear, I'm on— I want to bring speed dating back because all these dates you go on, the online dates, you got to meet each person for 10 minutes or an hour. Like, are there places where you could just go to meet women where there's not risks? It doesn't matter if you're super attractive or not, but you just start being you. Maybe it's somewhere where they give you things that you're really passionate about— sports or art or whatever your hobbies are— and you go to those places or events or concerts and there's music there, things that you feel comfortable talking about that are in your comfort zone with people around. And you'll just start talking and practicing and it's going to come back to you. But I feel like your fear is stopping you from opening your mouth, and you've had all the training. You've talked to therapists about it, you've had communication training, so you just need to start going. You need to start doing it, and it might be awkward at first, and you're going to get rejected, but you got to keep going, and then it gets a lot easier.

And I'm not, I'm not a recluse. I mean, I, I've got hobbies, and I've tried meetups. I've done— I do yoga classes. I've done salsa. I've even taken an improv class. But, um, but again, it's hard for me to initiate the conversation, I guess.

Okay, as far as that goes, Dave, maybe ask them— have like a battery of questions always in the ready. Maybe sit down and actually— because it sounds like you're a guy who thinks about things a lot and kind of almost has like a chessboard out and you're trying to figure out your next move and you're cautious about it. Figure out what you're looking for in a counterpart and, and have some questions like where they're from, what their interests are, those kinds of things, even if they're kind of banal. But have questions ready, and that's how you start the conversation, and that's how you drive the conversation, is ask them questions about themselves. Yeah, it really does work well. Also, you got to be careful with not having the— not desperation, but like the looking like the hawk, uh, the sense that you might be giving off a little bit. You should be focusing on— I don't know what you do for a living, but you should definitely be focusing on yourself and, and letting, uh, the women kind of— they will show up, right, Emily? Like, yeah, relationships happen when you're not looking for them. If you're looking for them, it just doesn't happen.

Like, women can smell desperation almost, right? Exactly. So if you feel like this is your main focus now, I would say just keep Maybe take it off the table for a month and say, you know what, I'm not going to look for anyone right now and I'm going to go back and work on myself. And when I'm ready, I'm going to go back out. That can be really helpful for people too, because I feel like there is a lot of pressure. You're putting pressure on yourself.

And I always have questions like, talk to me, I'm ready for them.

What do you think, David? Sorry.

No, I think you're right, Emily. I think I do put pressure on myself because I'm getting older and I still want a family and I don't have a family. And I'm 49 years old. Biological clock. I think there's a lot of truth to that, right?

Yeah, but I think that's not going to come this way from you having the, the desperate— maybe you'll really realize maybe that's not what I want right now or need right now. So I think if you take the pressure off and say, I'm not going to date for 2 months, I'm not even going to think about it, I'm not going to ask anyone, I'm going to work on myself, and really getting clear, like, you know, what kind of person is I'm looking for, what kind of relationship I want, and just focusing on whatever those holes are in your life that you're feeling not totally complete yet, and then go back to it. I think that's what you got to do.

And know that if you don't find somebody, your life can still be good. There's still plenty of things things in the world that you can live without a relationship, and magically one might just kind of fall.

Also becoming a dad at 49, you know, later, you haven't met the person yet, so maybe you'll be 52, 53, I don't know. Just, I would kind of take a look at that if that's really in your— maybe it's someone who already has a kid. Okay, David, you know what I mean? There's other ways to look at this, and I think it'd make you feel a lot better if you see you have options. Cool. Okay. Okay, David, thank you so much. Keep me posted. Happy holidays. Thanks for calling in. Okay, Emily. Bye, David. Thanks. Yeah, interesting. It is tough, man.

But I would think that that's why it gets ghosted, because like, you know, these women— I, I'm sure you've had dates and I've had, you know, dates where like I could tell a woman wanted like a child and a family tomorrow, and I'm like, that's not what I'm here for.

You don't want to talk? Yeah, exactly. No, it is true. Yeah, you can, you can smell it, you can feel it, you can taste it. It just seemed like he's— I think it's right.

Got a lot of energy.

We put a lot of— sometimes when you just say, oh, I don't have to do that, or I'm going to take that off the plate, you feel so much better.

Like, my, my wife and I, like, when we were trying to have a kid and it looked like we weren't going to be able to, we were okay with knowing that we'll still, like, you'd be able to have a life without, you know, a kid. Luckily we had a kid, but, uh, you know, we would have been okay without it. It's— I have a head start because I had a wife that was wanting the kids, so Dave doesn't even have the wife there. But, uh, yeah, I get it.

He'll find it. It's hard. It is hard. But, um, I'm glad he called. I'm glad he's asking about it because it sounds like he's pinpointed his issue, so that's cool. We've got Jamie on the phone. She's 28 from Canada and she wants to know how to overcome her lady part insecurities. Hi, Jamie. Hi, Jamie. I'm here with Anderson. Hi, how are you? We're so good. We're excited to talk to you. I'm excited too. So tell us the story because I've got your email, but it helps for everyone to hear what's going on.

Yeah, so I, I've normally been like really okay with like my body and everything. But then I met someone who, you know, we hit it off. We had amazing sex the first time. And then after that, he just would not like go down on me, which has really been weird for me ever since.

So I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice. Okay, what?

Keep going. So the first time you had sex, he went down on you once, and then how long were you guys together?

We were together, like, it was so rocky. He was just like a horrible human being. I know that now, but it was for maybe like 2 years.

Jesus, I was expecting 2 weeks, right?

Okay, so tell me what happened. So he went— you guys, it was amazing the first time, and then he never went down on you again for 2 years?

He never went down there again?

No. Yeah, he did it once and then never did it again. I'd go down on him, but the thing is though, is like, we'd have like great sex, like the best. Okay. And yeah, no, he just like never did. Did you ask him?

So I got really insecure.

Sorry? Did you ask him to go down on you?

Did you tell him that it was important? I did.

You know, I did it in a way, like I didn't, I'm kind of really uncomfortable asking them to do that. So I kind of did it in a way to—

Did he make up an excuse?

Hold on, hun. No, he just, I don't know if he made excuses. He just would do something different. What do you mean? You know, he would just start, you know, doing something else to my body as opposed to verbally saying like— So how did—

I want to hear how you did it. You said that you asked him for it, but you didn't exactly straightforward ask because it's hard. So I want to hear what you said and then we can talk about what you could do next time.

Okay, well, there were, you know, there were some times where, you know, I didn't have an orgasm or anything like that and he was really, you know, adamant about like, well, you know, I want you to have fun too. So I was like, okay, well, this is what you can do. I was like, can I straight out ask him? I was like, go down on me, you know? Right. And so it's pretty clear. Yeah, it's no hidden message there. So, but he just didn't. He just started doing his normal thing. And I was like, how old is he?

How old was this guy? How old is he? He's like your age? 38. Okay, 38. Well, here's the thing. There's a lot of guys— so you're calling because you said it made you feel bad about your body, and here's— there's a lot of guys who just don't perform oral sex. They don't like it. They might have had a weird experience. Maybe he was just trying to get you there. It has nothing to do with you. And you said he was a narcissist in your email. Yeah. And I'm telling you, it is not about your pleasure ever. He could not even— like, if he one time had a bad experience or thought he didn't like it or felt insecure— here's the thing about people, narcissists, he might feel insecure in his skills because all— for all we know, Jamie, he was with a girl 10 years ago who said he sucked at oral sex going down on her. Maybe she was honest and he's like, I'm never doing that again because I'm not perfect at it. So I'm telling you, sweetie, it has nothing— I'm confident, and I've never seen you or met you— that has nothing to do with your vagina and why he didn't do it.

I was afraid he was gonna have some like horrible excuse and say like your labia are too long, or like you had a horrible smell.

Get up. So yeah, you can imagine why you're going there in your head.

And I like the idea of her saying, go down on me, and he does something else, and she's not even saying what else he does. I'm picturing this, like, uh, this bearded guy put his, like, his bare foot down there and diddling around down in between her legs while he's watching hockey. That's what I'm picturing, right? It wasn't that bad, right? It wasn't, because you're making it sound bad.

But the thing is though, is like, you know, the next day he would say things like, you know, oh, I had a sex dream and like I was going down on all these women and it was awesome. What the fuck? He's like, I'm sitting totally like What the fuck?

Yeah, he hates you. No, sorry.

Yeah, he kind of does. He doesn't hate you, honey. He hates himself. He hates him. Narcissists hate themselves. They don't know it.

Oh yeah, they're the center of the universe and they're a piece of shit.

Yes, the center of his universe revolves around him and you having people around who makes him feel good about himself and does not spend any time pleasing.

You can't imagine that. They're like, my wife's saying, please, please give me oral sex. I'm like, no, I will not. And then, oh, you won't believe the dreams I had last night. They're sweet. Yeah, I mean, licking everybody body's box.

To make you feel better, I dated someone for 2 years who was 38 years old, same thing, and we went out for 2 years, and finally, you guys have heard the story, but I was confused because I would tell him, like, you gotta go, you know, I need it, and he just— it was a 2-year thing, we were on vacation, this lovely place outside, palm trees, having dirty martinis, and I said to him, listen, I'm just curious, you know, I'd love you to go down on me. Is it A, because you don't think I want you to, B, you're not sure what to do or see, like, you're not into it, it's not your thing. And he goes, you know what, see, it's not my thing. I was like, oh, well, you're not my thing. And then I broke up with him because to me— and he's great, sweetheart, we're still friends to this day, it's fine. He wasn't even a narcissist or an asshole. It just wasn't his thing because— and I truly believe it's because he was kind of a player, always slept with a lot of chicks. Didn't never really thought, I'm gonna focus on it, I'm gonna know it, I'm gonna understand it. So you dodged a bullet, but I just need you to heal right now and know this has nothing to do with you, zero. I'm convinced that your vagina is perfect, and I'm sorry that he made you feel any differently.

And even if it's not perfect, they're all snowflakes. They're all little bits of brick.

They're perfect because they're all different and on their own.

Every normal nice guy is just gonna be happy to have access. I don't know who is your guest speaker there with you, but I need to ask you, being a man, has there ever been a time where you just never wanted to go down on a woman? Like, that's an actual thing? For men?

Not a relationship. There has been one-night stands where I wouldn't go close to that because I, I knew that she was a dirty person, but that's on me. I've never ever been in love with anyone or had a relationship where I would not go down on them. No, that's not something I would ever even consider not doing. Does that make sense? Oh, okay.

And I've never heard from—

I really did dodge a bullet. Yes.

And I've heard from guys who say, yeah, I thought that we were dating for a while and I started to smell something that was kind of, you know, and I'm like, well, she probably has a UTI, or, and then you have that conversation. But there's been, this is just doesn't, you know, This doesn't happen. Like, you were with him for a year or two.

Pretty simple. I mean, it's a microcosm of what this guy's capable of. If he's not, uh, capable of doing that one simple thing for you, think of all the other things that he want to do for you if you guys, uh, were to actually get married or something. Yeah.

And I guarantee your needs were not getting met in other ways too. They were though.

That's the problem. And that's why I kept being okay with it for like that amount of time.

You mean sexually they were getting met, or just in other ways in your life?

Oh, only sexually. Yeah, like emotionally, like no, that was fucking horrible. I found out later that he was dating like two other women at the same time.

Jamie, I have no idea, but somebody who doesn't have enough sex and you haven't had enough sex yet, you, you will later look back on this and go, oh my God, he was not meeting me and doing half of what, uh, it's going to be a story.

There's men who are so into giving oral sex that you need to bat them off with a stick, and those men exist. Yeah, yeah.

Well, here's a happy ending to this, is like after I, you know, talked to you guys or your team, I was thinking about it. I was like, wow, actually I'm okay because, you know, I actually met someone who is like amazing and is not like ashamed to like go down on me or like—

no, right? Why would she be ashamed? Actually, sorry, no one should be ashamed. Yeah, so, so you're in a good place now? You found, you found Mr.

Right Mouth? Yeah, for, for right now, I'll say that. But I— it was a really hard, like, You know, coming to that realization that, yeah, you know, all women are different down there. Exactly.

So many dicks out there that make like innocent people, men and women, just feel like it's them, you know.

It's true. And we walk around with it for a lifetime. Okay, you're fine then. You're good. Nothing to do with you. Yeah, I'm so glad you moved on.

All right, it was a learning experience.

Yeah, that's a sign. If a guy doesn't go down, yeah, I'm out. So that's— and some women don't like it too, that's fine, but they're not for me, you know what I'm saying? So you got to find the guy. It sounds like you did. So you find a good partner.

Yeah, fingers crossed.

Thanks, guys. Thank you. Good luck. You got this. Bye, Jamie. No oral sex, no-go deal breaker to me. I mean, for some women, yes. Some women, no. But here's the thing, even if she was asking him for a neck rub or whatever, like, if it's in the same ballpark, it's like a foot rub, or— ah, do it. Just please your partner.

It comes around, goes around. I can't reach this part of my back and it's really itchy. Could you scratch it? Nah, don't do that. I don't feel like scratching your back there. No, it's not your match. Why'd you get so upset when I said that I, I want to go down on a dirty girl? If it was the one I said— girls dirty?

Well, and why were you sleeping?

She probably thought you were dirty too. I was— were you dirty? I was absolutely dirty. We were all dirty.

We were like banging up waves. Just made me feel like I didn't like thinking about it. She was too dirty.

The whole room kind of shuddered when I said that, so I apologize. I don't like saying dirty women. You said dirty martini. You started it all. And for, for ladies that are in a similar situation right now and you're maybe like 6 months, a year in a relationship Don't waste a full 2 years on figuring that this guy's no good for you. Same other way around too. If a girl refuses to do what you do for her, don't waste a bunch of time of your life.

Exactly, and don't take it on and don't assume things, you guys. I mean, we do this, we make so many assumptions and create so many stories in our head that are not true. In fact, most of the stories you create about what other people are thinking about you aren't true. You have no evidence, you'll never find out, and you're probably wrong because you're feeding into your own insecurities and telling these stories back to you that are coming from you and not validated. And that's why a lot of people have insecurities around sex.

And there are people out there that are like, they got an aversion to oral sex. And, you know, that's understandable. Just communicate that with your partner and say, look, it's not you, I got this weird thing, let's try and work through it.

And here's the thing, it's fine to be that guy. The guy I was talking about just got married. Like, clearly his partner doesn't care. Like, I'm just saying that there's someone for everyone, but that it's okay to not— everyone, you know, it's not your jam.

Don't waste 2 years on that lesson, right?

Okay, we've got Annie. She's 44 from Portland and she wants to know how to cope with the frustration of mismatched libidos.

Oh, hi Annie. Yes, hi Emily. I'm so excited to talk to you.

I'm excited to talk to you too, and I've got Anderson here today as well. Hi Annie.

Oh cool, hi Anderson. Oh, I like this Annie.

What's going on? Tell us what's going on. Give us some background.

Uh, you know, it's, um, I feel really frustrated in my relationship right now, just sexually speaking. And so we've been together for 3 years, and up until I would say not even a year, but definitely I've sensed a change in the last year where, um, we used to just be able to— I mean, we were having sex all the time, the amazing— like, if I felt like we were very matched that way. And so my question is really, is something going on just in that timeframe? Like when you've been with somebody for 3 years, is it normal to have this big— dramatic dip? It's such a dramatic dip. And I also feel like we're a little mismatched and we've always known this in the sense in the way that I'm definitely the more sexual person, and he's an amazing lover and always been really in tune, but I feel like he's kind of at a place where he's more focused on like, oh, I'm tired, so I'm not going to make that effort, and so it doesn't matter. Like, when I'm making the effort, he's more like, you know, oh, that feels nice, and he's relaxing but not getting excited.

Right, right. And how old is he?

And I'm like, oh no, right, falling asleep. Exactly. Like trying to move us in that direction. Well, how old is he? He's 1 year older than me.

Okay. So he's 45. Okay. So here's the thing. Yes. When you— to answer your question, there's something called the honeymoon phase. And that is a real biological situation that happens in most relationships. I'd say, if not all of them, the first 6 months to 18 months of a relationship is when you guys are connecting in this, in this way where your serotonin, your dopamine, all those feel-good chemicals are keeping you together and keeping you locked in, and the sex is amazing, and the hormones are flying, and you're connected, right? And biologically speaking, that was as long as it would take, 9 months, to have a baby, to procreate, for the guy to stay around and leave the nest and go, you know, spread his seed. It's natural. No, but I'm serious. That's actually a real, like, condition, okay? So most couples will say, and every couple will say, it's going to change, right, Anderson? It's not the same as it was the first 6 months you've been with your wife.

No, no, my question Speaking of wife and kids, are you guys married?

We're not married. Other kids? There's—

I have a child, but not with a teenager.

Okay, not with him. Good to know. Moving forward with advice. That definitely gives us less opportunity to just be spontaneous because there's a teenager in the house.

1080 doesn't work like we all like it to when it comes to sex. So that's why you have to start talking about your sex life with him. Have you guys ever had to talk about your sex life?

We do. I'm a super communicator and, um, and he loves that about me because he didn't have that in previous relationships. But the other kind of part 2 of this problem is I think when I'm talking to him, it's making him feel like he's not satisfying me, and which is typical, right?

True.

But yeah, and, but it's so, it's frustrating because we, we talk and then he feels pressured and that doesn't work.

I totally get it, honey. I get the whole thing. It's, it's— listen, honey, I totally get what's happening. You're talking to him, telling him what you need. He's on— because he wants to please you, honey. He's with you. He loves you. He wants to make you pleased and give you orgasms and have amazing sex and connect. So when you're saying that to him, he's like, oh no, I'm letting her down. I'm probably let every other woman down. Like, I know he's beating himself up. So really, it's all about your communication style, which we can totally work on. You know, there's a way to say it because it's such a delicate subject, like We were saying, like, if you hear one bad thing about you, your anything in your life, you're like, oh, your sex life or your penis. We were talking about it earlier. You feel bad and it sticks with you. So I feel like the way you approach it is just, babe, I realize that I've been, you know, talking to you about our sex life and maybe I had— you don't need to start with apologizing. Just say, let's talk about our sex life. I know I bring it up a lot and I never want to make you feel bad because I love you. I love our relationship. I love when we, you know, connecting with you and our intimacy and our sex, but I'm struggling now and I need your help because I'm trying to figure out, you know, sex, obviously, I hope you agree, is important for both of us and we need to figure a way to make sure that we're both satisfied. And it's not that I'm not satisfied when we're actually having sex, but this is common. He might say, well, I only want it twice a week, and you need it four, so you do it three times and then you start to figure out, well, if there's really no time because you're on different schedules, then you, you say Saturday mornings we do it, or we wake up, set the alarm 15 minutes earlier during the week, or we schedule sex. Scheduling sex is so underrated because people think, oh, it's so not sexy. Well, if you know you're having sex on every Saturday night and Wednesday night, it's on your calendar, it's like you're thinking about all day. He knows it's happening, you're prepping for it, maybe there's a little foreplay, and it's top of mind. But that is so true, Emily.

And lately I have found that I need I'm disconnecting because of what's going on. I'm trying to not anticipate. Like, I used to be like, yeah, maybe we're having sex tonight. And now I'm like, okay, frustrated every day. Right. Don't. Yeah.

So what you need is control and structure and knowing what's going to happen. So say, this is my idea. Say, babe, what do you think? Because obviously you think— won't be. And maybe for all you know, he's like, you know what, whenever you— I'm making this up, sweetie— when you come home from work, I still need an hour to decompress, and that's usually when you want to have sex, and I actually know that I'm better in the morning. Like, maybe there's some more information he can give you. So you're like, oh, you seem to be a problem solver, Annie, and you want to make this work. So you got to just listen, ask him questions, have him talk. It's time just for you to be like in a very loving, non-judgmental, you know, not like confrontive way that he's doing things wrong, but like, I really want us to connect again how we did. Let's find a solution. Together. Yeah, it's really just changing your tone, and it's the timing and little ways that you do it. But I think you'll be able to get what you, what you want from him because he wants to please you.

Annie, what's he do for a living? What does he do?

Yes, he's an architect.

Okay, so it's not a lot of physical labor, right? He's, he's on—

not, yeah, not a lot. I mean, sometimes, but usually no. Yeah, there's lots of desk time.

And you know, he should also get checked out, like his testosterone when he's 45. Yeah, for sure. Okay, but maybe there's some other health stuff going on too.

And also, as a guy in the room, Andy, I want to caution you with, uh, being too overzealous with getting more when he's giving you less, because the last thing you want to do is push him into a place where he feels like, uh, you know, meeting your needs is a chore, which I've been in that situation before.

And that's like the end— I'm worried about that. You hit the nail on the head.

It's another item on his to-do list, right? You got to be careful with that.

And, uh, I'm kind of just picturing him like this old, like, classic truck that, you know, you love, and when it drives it's great, but it takes a while to warm up. And it might be wrong to say, and I might come off like a misogynist, but it sounds like you should just give him a— you need to work on him a little bit, uh, more. Maybe, you know, like we were talking earlier in the show about massages and stuff. He gets home, and I'm not saying, you know, like wait on him like, uh, hand and foot, but, you know, start with like a massage and talk about his day. Or talk about your day and then kind of, you know, get them warmed up. I think, I think there needs to be more work in this whole truck.

Yeah, and more of like listening and more of a kind, a kindness around it that like, let's do it together.

Show, don't tell. Like, instead of talking about like, I need more sex, you need to give me more sex at least 4 times a week, I kind of like, you know, show them, uh, what you're, what you're looking for perhaps.

And like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I just, I find that I start down that road, and then I start feeling so frustrated about the whole thing that then I just back off completely. And so there's probably a mixed message that's happening there. And hearing what you guys are saying, that is absolutely true, that, that I have my moments of being understanding, and, and then I feel selfish and like I just want to have—

right, speaking of selfish, or any sex, why not, um, sex toys for yourself to kind of get you, you know, where you need to be. Sex toys are awesome. Maybe fill in the gaps, his gaps.

This is one other aspect of it that I would love to ask you guys about too, is that he has a real— I've done that before where I've even like tried masturbating in front of him, or like if I think he's already sleeping, you know, maybe I'm just kind of taking care of myself. Yeah, when he's off architecture. He doesn't like it. He does not like it. He's like, that makes me feel like I'm not taking care of you. He's one of those people. But it's not something he wants to know that I'm doing. Right.

So it sounds like you guys gotta roll it back a little bit. I would have him listen to this, to be honest. I feel like you need to tell him, honey, I feel like maybe I've been going about it wrong. I mean, you don't have to have him listen to this, but tell him everything you're telling us. Like, I feel like it's not right. I feel like I shut down. I feel like this is— let's figure out a way. Like, you know what I mean? Just be really honest with him. Like, doesn't he— because he wants— I'm sure he wants sex and connection, and you both— I'm gonna assume you both want the same thing, but you don't know quite how to please both of you. So that's why you got to get that language about it, and things will start coming up. Maybe he's gonna tell you what he needs in ways that he hasn't before.

And it's a good one too, because a lot of females I think would be going like, oh my god, is he cheating on me? Does he not like me anymore? She's never even brought any of that up. They're good.

They're good. Annie, you got this. It's just really just, just communicating in a different way. Try something different.

So solid. And I love him, and I know he loves me. It's— yeah, we just definitely have this weird hiccup, and I don't like it.

Okay, well, you got— now you got some Advice. I think that, um, I think this is good. Listen to it again when it comes out, have them listen to it, but just talk to them. Do it. You'll feel so much better. It's not gonna happen in a night, but just, it's an ongoing conversation that, you know, you both feel comfortable in. Okay, Annie, thank you. Okay, really good advice. Thanks for calling. So welcome, Annie. Good luck to you. You got this. Have a great night. Thanks. Thank you. Bye. Okay, bye. It's interesting, a lot of times though, Anderson, it really is about the tone and the timing and the conversation. You're right, she could sound to him like he's— she's like, yeah, every time she sees him coming and she's like, babe, let's get it on, and he's like, oh no, the sex talk again. Yeah, so it's just really just kind of taking the same time.

He's one of those guys, maybe it's because I'm lazy, but like, you know, if a sex toy gets broken out in the bedroom, I'm not gonna be threatened by it. I'm gonna be like, all right, let's work for me, dude.

My second— my second wish next to a lube on every nightstand is like literally just men to understand when everyone understand that sex toys are not out there to hurt you.

All right, they're there to happier. It's absolutely correct. I'm not threatened by a car that gets me to work, like, oh, the car can go faster than me, you know what I mean? Like, technology, let's, let's use it to the best of our—

I gotcha. Thanks everyone for listening. This was a fun show. I love talking to you guys. It's been awesome. Thank you for subscribing on iTunes, reviewing the show. You can actually subscribe a lot of places now, but we appreciate when you review it. I'm so thankful for your positive reviews. And you could, uh, like I said, check it all out on social media. It's @sexwithemily. Emily Morse. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our intern Shannon, and Jenny, producer Lark and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.