Sex Talk With My Therapist, Dr. Anadel Barbour

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I interview Dr. Anadel Barbour about EMDR therapy, mindfulness in and outside the bedroom, and how to move through trauma. Because, hey, now is the time to talk about it all this and more. Thanks for listening.

Because thoughts are just thoughts and honestly, they're not the truth. We think they're the truth, but they're not the truth.

You can't be anxious anymore when you're truly in the moment.

The four foundations of mindfulness are the breath, the body. Then we notice the tone of things. And then we look at our state of mind. You know, are we agitated or happy or sad?

Feelings are not facts. Your thoughts are not the truth. It's so freeing to realize it, but it just takes a beat to realize the notion of understanding that.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, so for each show, I wanna start it off by setting an intention for the show. And I encourage you to do the same. I haven't done this in a While. But it's something that I think is really important. Bring back to the show. So what do I mean by this? Well, when you're listening, I want you to think about what you want to get out of listening to this episode and how you think it may help you. For example, it could be, I want to learn more about why therapy is important and see if it's something I could be interested in or it could be. I've just been wanting to learn more about mindfulness practices in my everyday life. My intention for this show is to teach you all about mindfulness and how to actually put it into practice and in all areas of your life, including the bedroom. All right, Enjoy the show.

I'm excited for my guest today, Dr. Anadel Barbour. She's a licensed MFP, has a doctorate in human sexuality, a certified EMDR therapist. She's in Los Angeles. Not only all of that, she's also my therapist. And I thought, why not welcome her to the show?

And.

And we've been wanting this to happen for a while, and I'm so excited. Now more than ever, not only do I need your help, we all do. Welcome to the show. An Adel.

Thank you, Emily. It's really, really an honor and a pleasure to be here with you.

I'm excited.

It's very exciting. Very, very.

It is. You know, I was thinking about it. I've had a lot of thoughts about, wow, there's so many places to go with this. And the first thing I thought was, I am a huge advocate proponent for therapy. And I often say, I don't think a show goes by where I don't recommend that somebody needs should try therapy. It's my belief that everyone can use some therapy every now and then if they just think about it, like your dentist or just a tune up for your car. I've been in therapy with you for about two years, and then before that, I've been in different kinds of therapy. So I've been in therapy since I was about 19, on and off. At first it was talk therapy, traditional therapy, which was great. I mean, I think that there's something to be said for really starting to understand your issues, your upbringing, your childhood. You know, I remember going into therapy in my 20s where I thought, oh, yeah, my parents got divorced and my dad died. But I'm good, I'm just anxious, like, everything's fine, right? And then you go in therapy, you start to unpack everything. But I remember someone saying to me once, oh, therapy, it's like peeling back the layers the onion, I didn't really understand it then I see you for two years. I'm like, there's so many more layers to peel that I hadn't even touched. And so I just. I guess I just would like to talk about therapy in general. Maybe we could talk about the kind of therapy that you do. If someone needs to get therapy, where do they start?

Well, I think people need to actually be willing to do some work, because therapy isn't just going and talking to someone and finding out about your life. There is an hour with your therapist once a week or twice, or once every other week, depending on what people do. There's work in between. And so for me, my belief and the way I believe and work is that I like my clients to learn about themselves, but also to become empowered to regulate their own emotions and understand that sometimes the why doesn't matter. It's what are you going to do about it now? And so that's why I think therapy is important, because we don't know exactly what to do when we're feeling confused, anxious, frustrated, sad. And so it's about learning what to do. I think the therapists help you do that.

What's interesting is, you're right, the why. Oh, because this happened to me in my childhood, or my mother was like this, or my father was like this. What you're saying is people come to you. It doesn't even matter the what happened. Why. How is it manifesting today? How do you. How do you deal with something when you're sad or angry? Or do you even know what that is? So you help people sort of unpack that. Is that what you mean by the why? Like, all the details of it aren't as important?

Well, the details are important because they brought you there, but it's not like you always have to talk about them. For instance, you came to me because you had a family issue, and you actually didn't think you had any kind of trauma. And so trauma can come in different forms. It could be just a lot of maladaptive family patterns that created maladaptive. You know, if you had some neglect or an angry father, mother, a guy, that father that was never there, addiction in the family, that kind of thing. So those things shape who we are. But you're coming to therapy for our current problems. And so we actually get a little bit of details. With EMDR therapy in particular, we get details from the past, but they're not. They don't have to be the story, because EMDR therapy focuses on a traumatic event and then we bilaterally stimulate your brain. And so your brain is the thing that is going to help heal you. And the story is in there. I don't need to know the story. I don't need to know the why. You know, the why, really. And so it's going to come out in therapy. And so there's mindful therapies that I've been doing for a long time. And then EMDR is something that directly affects the brain, which is quite mindful in and of itself. Yeah. And so that's what it is. It's about paying attention. Paying attention to what's happening right now, regardless of what happened in the past.

Yeah, exactly. It was such a great distinction because for some people who have trauma, they're like, well, I don't wanna relive it. And that is the thing about emdr, which is trauma therapy, that it doesn't really necessarily matter what happened. It rewires your brain. It truly does. And you're right. When I came to you, I was having a traumatic event that I needed help with. But this is the other thing. I mean, it's been two years now, and I've grown so much and I've learned so much. But you're right, I did not know about complex ptsd. I actually had tried EMDR years ago in San Francisco and I just didn't stick with it, or I wasn't ready. But this was a game changer. If people don't know, let's just explain real quickly what, like the process of emdr, what it stands for.

Okay, well. And someone was asking me about it earlier, before we got on your show here. EMDR has been around since 1989. 90 Francine Shapiro, as the therapist that came up with this process, she was working with PTSD war veterans doing trauma therapy. It wasn't emdr, obviously. And then her own experience, she calls this the famous walk in the park, which is what helped her come up with this idea. She got diagnosed with cancer, and so she sought some mindfulness practices to help her with her cancer. And so through her own mindfulness practices, she was actually taking a walk one day. She was obsessing about her cancer. When she finished with the walk, she realized two things. Her eyes were moving back and forth and she was no longer upset about her cancer. It was still there. She still had some fears, but she was no longer upset by it. So through some trial and error with the clients she had and the colleagues she worked with, they made a discovery about the brain that if you bilaterally stimulate the brain, the three parts of the brain get activated all at the same time and start communicating. Now the three parts of the brain that we have, because we all know about right and left hemisphere stuff, correct? We do actually have a triune brain. We have a reptile brain, which comes up in our spinal cord and it's our base instincts. We need water, we need food, we need shelter. Right. Fight or flight kind of starts there, right? And then we have a mammal brain. And that's the limbic system that's in the middle of our brain. And that's where our emotions are, the thalamus, the hippocampus, all that gray matter. And there's something called an amygdala that's in the middle of that. And the amygdala part of the limbic system is like our SIM card. And that's where we remember everything the way it happened. And then humans have this neocortex, so we have a frontal cortex. And that's where our rational and meaning making stuff in.

So what happens when we get into a trauma, something that scares us, Our fight or flight kicks in, the blood starts flowing and then it stops. It doesn't get to our rational thinking. So we're stuck in our limbic system trying to figure out how to get out of things that upset us. And so it could be your dad dying, it could be getting in a car accident, it could be being a child of an alcoholic or a drug addict. Constant eggshell stuff, right? So you're in fight or flight for so long, you never really get a chance to process and know that you're okay. And so with emdr, what they discovered was activating all three parts of the brain, focusing on traumatic event. The brain can communicate finally and it can process from the maladaptive part into the rational adaptive thinking. And that's what the reprocessing is and the desensitization. So EM is eye movement doctor as desensitization and reprocessing. And so that's how it came about. And it's evidence based. It's been around for over 30 years now. You can actually see brain scan if you go online, pre and post EMDR stuff, right? So it's very interesting.

I think it's the most interesting therapy right now. And I can't, I always tell Anadel, like, I'll be at lunch with someone, meet someone in passing. I'm just like, call Anadel. Just go like, trust me, you know? But I love the way you described it because I could picture myself, for example, As a kid. So let's say I find out my dad dies. I was 19 years old. So the back of my brain, I get that it's terrible news, and that is a trauma.

And then what you're saying is, it's just in here. So I'm scared and I'm worried and I'm anxious, and so it never gets up to the rational brain that's like, can calm me. It can be okay. It can kind of make sense of it. It, like, literally could not do the journey. Can't move, can't travel, stuck in the amygdala. You're like, the back. And then. So then that is just. That becomes a repeated way of processing information. So what was interesting is when I used to hear about EMDR early on, I thought it was like, oh, like, you know, I read about the. Francine. Is that Francine?

Francine Shapiro.

Francine Shapiro. And I thought it was for war vets or like, PTSD is just one thing. A car accident or someone dies. But complex PTSD was a whole new level for me. And then I realized, wow, a lot of people have complex ptsd. So, you know, if you're listening, it doesn't mean it has to be one major traumatic event. I happen to be bountiful in my traumas. I had. I had, you know, my dad dying, and then I had a lot of emotional neglect growing up. And they pile up. What is it, three or four that happen before a certain age? Things that are traumatic. I don't know if you've been.

I don't know if there's a number, but, you know, it's complex because it doesn't just happen over one day or hour or, like, 9, 11. But it happens almost chronically. You know, it's often. And it's repetitive.

For example, I don't feel confident in something, or I feel.

There's so many. I feel insecure or I feel stupid.

You're not good enough.

I'm not good enough. Okay, I'm not good enough. Something happens. I made a mistake. And then there's actually ways that you would give me a sheet to identify what. What that is. Right? Like, I. I don't feel good enough. And then the interesting thing about emdr, too, opens up your brain is that. Well, you realize that most of these crippling thoughts that we have about ourselves aren't new. It's not the first time I felt I made a mistake or I couldn't trust my own judgment, or, you know, then you go back and you're like, oh, the first time I was six. I mean, that's amazing, what you remember. And then through the process, it just. I guess how I describe it is it just starts to have the things that might have triggered you start to have less of a charge. I start to be able to understand the chaos in my life. And then, like, making peace with it. It's almost like your trauma becomes just another thing. Like, it doesn't have to own me. It just. It's always. Nothing's gonna go away, but I'm totally different person. But you have a different relationship to your issues.

Yes. Yes. That's the perfect way to put it.

They kind of become an acquaintance maybe. Like, maybe you'd have them over, you know, for dinner, but then they have to leave before dessert. You know, they're not there all the time. Okay, I'm gonna take a quick break. Be right back with more sex with Emily.

Annandale has a doctorate in human sexuality, and she wrote a book called Sex and Sobriety, a Qualitative narrative Exploration of the Utilization of Mindfulness Practices for Enjoyable Sober Sex. Now, before you freak out, you're like, but I'm not sober. I realized, too, Annabelle, another reason why I wanted to have you on is because one of the biggest challenges people face is their mind and their worriedness and their thoughts are getting in the way of them experiencing pleasure in the bedroom.

Yeah. Well. And, you know, and life trauma is a good segue into that because the trauma work has a lot of mindfulness work in it. And when we talk about mindfulness, it's, you know, it's in the Zeitgeist. It's been kind of like part of societies talk for the past 10 or 15 years. It's been around for 3,000. And so we lose sight of what it might really be. And so we try and keep it really simple because mindfulness is really the art of paying attention to the present moment without judgment.

So it's not necessarily meditation, and it's not necessarily going to an ashram and getting rid of all the thoughts in your mind. Right. It's just paying attention in the present moment, being aware without judgment of yourself. And so it's a very difficult prospect because we have this automatic negative bias in our brain because of the fight or flight. We wake up in fear, and then we. Our parasympathetic nervous system tells us to calm down, but we also get so busy, we become kind of mindless. Right? We get in the car, we go where we have to go. We go to work. We become kind of robotic. And this is what happens to humans. It's just about not paying attention to what's really going on. And who knows why we end up that way. We have a very busy world. So I think more people have a more difficult time getting into the present moment. But, you know, it's really about paying attention to everything that's going on. And that's why mindfulness is so important, because it helps you regulate your own emotions. If you're anxious, you can use a mindfulness practice to calm your own anxiety. That's why it's used with the trauma work. Right. If you're depressed, you can use mindfulness practices to elevate your mood.

When you're in fear, you can calm yourself down. It doesn't mean the danger is gone, but you get into the rational part of your brain and you can start making more rational decisions of how to solve problems. And it's the same with sex. It's the same with fear of sex. Now, again, I'm glad you mentioned don't be afraid because this doesn't apply to me because I'm not sober. My study was specifically about people that get sober because I am sober 18 years, 19 in a couple months. And people that use substances for a great amount of time. And it doesn't have to be 20 years like I did, it could be 10 years. But the substances are primary in their life, and it affects their lives so much that they have to stop doing all these substances now. It also affects your body. So a lot of people have a relationship to being loaded and having sex, and all of a sudden they're not loaded and they got to have sex. Oh, my God. And so that's really what my research project was about. But this stuff applies to everyone because we all get nervous, we all lose touch. We all may get bored with our partner or don't know how to find a partner, or we equate love and sex. And so we're having sex with too many people and not really finding that it's enjoyable because we don't really have a conn. It could be so many different things. And so this is why the mindfulness practices of yoga, meditation, breathing, concentration, bring us into a place where we can actually choose what we want to do, how we want to feel, who we want to be with.

That was such a great way of putting it. An Adele, because I think when, you know, people call into the show or send emails and stuff, they're like, I always say, well, do you have a mindfulness practice? I try to Tell them this is what could help you. But I think that it's so intimidating to people. Like, well, they have to go to an ashram or they have to have a. If they didn't do yoga every day. And I love the way you describe mindfulness, because it's so true that if you are. I don't know what else to say. But when you learn to be mindful, and it's not like you have to just. Yeah, your thoughts go away for 20 minutes. But even if it's for five minutes and you're mindful, the best thing about it is you're truly in the present moment with all your senses. Your breath, your sense of your scent, your smell. I mean, scent and touch, hearing things. You can't be anxious anymore when you're truly in the moment. Like, it just. Even if it's for a second. And so that practice of that muscle getting stronger is what will help you not only in the bedroom, but every area of your life. And I'm glad that you described the sobriety thing. Cause in a sense, everybody who is having these challenges in the bedroom, like, they might as well if they're sober or not.

It'S the same problem. It's the same. I've got to worry about being in the situation. It's just spiking my anxiety. It's making me worried.

Right, well, so let's talk about premenopausal, postmenopausal stuff.

Let's do it.

Just as an example. The body changes internally. We don't even know what's going on. And all of a sudden you go to have sex and there's so much pain, and it feels like there's no moisture and nothing inside, and it hurts. And it. I mean, it's like a washboard or something.

What happened? And so then we start getting afraid to have sex. And all of a sudden we're feeling old, we're feeling icky. We don't like ourselves anymore. So then we start having a negative relationship with even someone we've been with for 30 years or something, or 20 or whatever it is, because our bodies are changing and we don't know what to do with it. And so the fear starts taking over. And we look for medications and we look for lubricants. We look for stuff, but we don't look within. We don't pay attention to what's really going on, and we don't accept it. See, this is the thing that causes suffering for people. We don't accept what's going on. We Want it to be different. And so that's why we get afraid, and that's why we get angry, and that's why we start craving things. We want things to be different, or we want to get rid of the things that don't feel good or don't make us happy or are not working. And so that's why accepting things as they are, good, bad, or indifferent, is the way to find the solution. And the solution can be right in front of you, or you may have to go get a lubricant or a toy or something. Right. But at least you'll know.

So what you're saying is, if we're truly mindful in the most way, that's a mindfulness thing, too. To say, I'm not going to just run off and what's wrong with me? And shut down my sex drive. I'm going to be. Pay attention and be like, oh, accept where you're at in your life, the age you're at, the time you're at. Honor what you have, what you had, what you. And from that place, say, what's available to me now.

Yeah. Rather than, if this hurts, what can I do if someone's penis going inside of me is way too painful? Maybe we can start doing more oral sex.

Maybe we can start watching something together. Then you're going to notice, oh, my gosh, what kind of relationship do I have with my partner? Do we even talk about this stuff? So now you know, there's a new level of, okay, I got to learn how to talk about this stuff. And so that's when we start doing practices to teach ourselves how to love ourselves and have joy and compassion. And so there's meditations that you can do to instill loving kindness for yourself, forgiveness for yourself, compassion for yourself. And then you can actually send it to body parts.

And I gotta say, I did go to ashrams. I went to three. I spent three different times in my life, ten days in silence. And it wasn't until I work with you that I felt that I was actually able to do that integration, that my practice of meditation and mindfulness is actually stronger. Now I have to be kind to myself because then I'll have a few weeks where I don't do it. But it's way stronger than before. And even just the practice of taking a moment in the morning, like, you always say you're like, do it before anything. And you gave me the permission of like, even if it's two minutes, even if it's when you wake up and you're like sending love to myself and others. You realize it, it really flips it on its head because you also, not only can you be mindful and elsewhere, you can't be grateful, be in anxiety. That's one thing your brain won't let you do. So it's such a helpful grounding exercise. But before we get into some of the exercises, I do have a question about this. What we're talking about is calming our mind. I would say that a lot of the sexual challenges that people face, I'm talking about premature ejaculation, inability to orgasm, even delayed ejaculation. Wouldn't you say that a lot of that is more psychological? That it is a repeated patterns. Like sometimes for men, I feel like it happens once they premature ejaculate or twice. And then it's just like it's been happening for 10 years. Like how, how do we get ahead of that stuff?

So that can be very complex. But the answer is, yes, it is. And always rule out something medical first.

First, yes, absolutely rule it out. Go to your doctor. Are you on medications?

You know, and then secondly, I have a lot of clients and with many of those issues. And EMDR can actually help with the anxiety with some of that. So the bilateral brain stimulation and focusing on that moment of, oh my God, I came too soon, right? And then the brain makes these connections. And sometimes we find that it might be separation anxiety as a child that makes you fearful that if you do something wrong with someone, they're gonna leave you. Right? So it's this long line of stuff that's not necessarily true, but that happened with one of my clients, right? So but if it's not that, if it's just shame because it happened, it's working on the shame. And that's what mindfulness practices can help with because you can learn how to relieve yourself of shame.

Look, I'm telling you all this stuff because teachers have taught me and teachers have taught them this is not new stuff. So we'll talk about it. But please, everyone, there are resources out here to learn what this stuff is. Four foundations of mindfulness are the breath the body. Then we notice the tone of things, right? We notice if things are pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. And this is the, the speed version of it. And then we look at our state of mind and that's, you know, are we agitated or happy or sad? And so that's the first thing we kind of work on that core of breath body. You know, are things good, bad, or not? And then how are we feeling about ourselves. And then as we integrate all that and pay attention to that, we start looking at our thoughts.

And we pay attention to what are those thoughts comprised of? How many negative things am I saying? What kind of relationship do I have with my body.

This person? Why am I always constantly putting myself down? So that's where the mindfulness practices come in to redirect those negative thoughts and say, wait a second, is that the truth? Because thoughts are just thoughts. And honestly, they're not the truth. We think they're the truth, but they're not the truth. They're just things that keep going and keep going. And so part of the practice is noticing your thoughts and telling them they're not the truth. And then you're looking for the truth. And the truth is in the moment.

It's beautifully said because if you think about it, it's like your brain is stuck on one channel that you're programming, but you don't even know that you're programming because it's the only channel you've ever seen. But once you realize that, you could actually switch the channel. By switching the channel is infusing it with some mindfulness statements or whatever works for you. I have a note document in my phone from my sessions with Annabelle that's at the very top. And it's really some of these phrases that I do during meditation or when I feel like I need to calm. And it's just so helpful to just say, oh, feelings are not facts. Your thoughts are not the truth. It's so freeing to realize it, but it just takes a beat to realize the notion of understanding. That takes a little bit of time.

Because we don't really realize, but we've been conditioned. You know, however old you might be, you've been operating with this belief and these thoughts for a long time. So it's going to take a while to unravel them and change them. That's why it takes a while. And paying attention. The more you do it, the more dedication you can give to yourself, you know? Yeah, you can really notice it. A difference.

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Is there. Cause there would be times where I leave your office, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna pay attention to me getting in the elevator. And then by the time I press the button, I'm on the phone, right? Like, even right now, I have gratitude on my computer and a post it. I have break. Take a break. I have breathe and loving kindness, right? And they're sitting right here on my laptop. So that can kind of help. But for some people, it feels very unattainable or they don't have the time. Yes.

And I think you used a really important word, unattainable, because we're really not attaining anything. We are cultivating some stuff.

Exactly.

And we. We cultivate it and it grows and we experience it. And so all of us want to attain enlightenment and go to nirvana, but that's what we're seeking. But if you ask any leader, teacher, from Christ to Buddha to whoever, you know, it really is about the journey. Keep doing it. Keep looking for it, because I don't think we ever really find it, but we do have glimpses.

Yeah, it's true. The dots start to connect and it's easier to get back into it, but it is. I love that. I used to think that. That you get to one place and then. Oh, then everything's perfect. It's always going to be a little bit up and down, and then you just kind of have tools to navigate it. So, like, especially now, like, talking about, you know, I've often said that we're all in a trauma right now, in a way. Some people more severely than others, but it has altered life suddenly for many, and that could be traumatic. Right. So right now we are talking about this month, six in. But have you noticed anything in your practice or in the world? Is my first question. The second is, is there anything we could do right now to collectively deal with this?

Okay. I'm thinking about clients that I have, and this is so big. This is making most people.

Have an existential crisis that they've never had before. They don't know even what that is. And the existentialists believed we're born and we die. And so if we're gonna die, what are we gonna do in between? Kind of. I mean, we know we're gonna die, and it's not fair. Right.

What's the point? That's a simplification of. That's a simplification. But really, it's the why are we here? Thing. Mm. And people are starting to question that. And we live in a town where a lot of people's identities are wrapped up in what they do. And all of a sudden people are going, what I do is no longer here, so who am I? And so this is why these practices are really more important than ever. And people are afraid to really look within because it's difficult and it takes time. And a lot of us have plowed through enough to go. I've worked really hard to be where I am, and I don't need to go back. But it's not about needing to go back. It's about you just paying attention to, why are you so afraid? Why is your identity in this when you are your identity? We're all part of something, right? It's not what we do. It's who we are. And some of us don't know what that is yet. You know, we live in a world of a lot of social media and influencers. And so even the words, selfies, we. We have a society that has a vocabulary, has created personalities to go with them. And so now, you know, things are just quite different. And we're with ourselves a lot, a lot more, and we can't influence anybody anymore.

No, exactly.

You know, so. So again, those kind of identities are also shifted. And it's too big for this conversation to really talk about, but.

I'm speaking of someone in particular that I worked with, and it was a person that really never had a lot of tragedies per se, in their life. And it was inexplicable that he could not get out of fear of death and anxiety. He could not figure it out, but he could not get out of it.

And so we worked a lot just focusing on the anxiety and where he was feeling it in his body and the thoughts that he had. And a lot of the thoughts were about, his parents are getting older, and, oh, my gosh, they may really go right, and what would life be without them? And I'm going to die soon. What have I done? What am I contributing? What does it mean to be alive? And then we. We tapped into some trauma, and so we started looking at that, and we did some reprocessing sessions, and something came up. He remembered being at a party just last year.

And swallowing something and choking. And he didn't tell anyone, but he was really choking, and he was too ashamed to tell anyone that he was choking. So he went in the bathroom and he had to stick his finger down his throat, and he saved his own life, but he almost died. And so he's been walking around with that fear, but it's all about death. And he couldn't figure out why he was so afraid and couldn't shake it. Because of COVID Wow. Right. And it was really something that happened to him. And so once he released that his anxiety started to ease, and he began to do some mindfulness exercises and taking walks and taking walks and doing intentions of loving kindness. And so he now reports that he doesn't have any anxiety, and he Talks to his parents every day on the phone because he knows they're in their 80s. They could go, right? So just to stay in the moment with them and be with them. It's so hard to explain because we all have our own experiences.

That was a beautiful explanation because I was actually on Dr. Drew's podcast a few weeks ago, and I was trying to explain to him my EMDR work. And I kind of told a similar example about my own experience. But what I love about that is when we say things like, you gotta do your inner work, you gotta go inside. I don't always know that that's clear to people and everyone's journey looks different. But that was a beautiful way of explaining the sort of securitus route. If you really commit to the process of going to therapy and working on emdr, I think is because it just unearths all these things that you never would have. And that's the fun when you're like, oh, my God, the feeling of leaving a therapy session when you're like, ah, that's the connection. I didn't know. You know, not every single session's like that. But the times when you connect the dots or why things have happened and then it gets released, it's just this.

I can't think it's. Well, and then you do work in between and you come back and you say, oh, my gosh, I discovered this and my chaos. And I had lunch today and guess what? Right? Yeah.

Yeah. I was like, I recognized my chaos. I didn't even let it in the door. Right. I was like, nope, not today. So, yeah, sort of personifying it in a way, too. The challenges, you just look at it differently. It's really incredible work. And I think you're right right now, this going inward thing, that our natural inclination is to get away from it. Like, if I'm feeling pain, I'm going to drink, shop, exercise, have sex. I'm going to do anything that will numb me.

Exercise is really good. Try exercising and really paying attention to what's going on and thanking your body. But, you know, yoga came about because people were sitting around meditating and their bodies hurt. Right. And so there was a moving into meditation. See, if we do yoga with the goal of a spiritual goal, rather than my body looking good, that's not a bad thing.

Rather than a six pack.

Right, right. And that can happen, but so moving, walking, meditations, moving, jogging, meditations, dancing meditations, things that move your body. It does create an integration. And if you pay attention, you'll notice how much you don't like parts of your body where some pains are that you didn't know they were there. You know, when you pay attention to your emotions as you move, it's this flow that opens up. And so mindful movement is very effective and very important.

Absolutely. Okay. There's a lot there because I think there's the moving your body to be mindful of just how you feel in your body. Like the walking meditation that I did the first time I did the retreat, there was a walking and a sitting meditation, but the walking was like, all you have to do is, like, breathe and focus on, like, just moving one step, paying attention to what was happening, walking up and down the same path, which is harder than you think. Right. But the thing about that is making the connection of. My feet are on the ground, they are moving, they are walking. We never do that.

We don't. And something happened to me. I have a lot of chronic pain because I have scoliosis in my back. And so it has affected me. And so when I started paying attention, I was pretty aware of where the pain was coming from. And I was doing a walking meditation. And every time I put my right foot down, it hurt. And so I started just noticing this pain, my right foot, and it hurt. And I noticed the curve in my spine. And I was saying, hello, curve, how are you? I know you're telling me something. I just can't figure out why I have to suffer like this. And I looked up and there was a tree in front of me, and the trunk curved just like my spine. And I looked at it and I went, well, the tree survives hundreds of years with a curve. So can I. Right? And all of a sudden, I just had this different relationship. I'm like, look, I'm fine. I'm standing up straight. I'm going towards the sky. It's okay. And I'm telling you, the pain is just very different. It's just very different.

It's like they say, there's so many miracles right in front of us that you might not have seen that tree. Right. How many trees have we walked past? And it's. Those are the beautiful moments. And in that moment, you stop being attached. You're just like, okay, there it is. And that is such a great example of that. That makes so much sense. What about our traumas being stored in our body and releases that can happen through this kind of work?

There's a lot of different therapies out now that help with body trauma, and EMDR is one of them, because we're, it's a whole brain therapy and we focus on the body, the emotions and the memories. But somatic stuff works really well. Even trauma focused yoga, you know, because what happens is we don't know where to store it. If it gets stuck, we gotta forge on. Right? So maybe we tensed up a lot when we were a kid. I noticed that my right shoulder always hiked up. I never even noticed it until I started doing this work. Right. And so if we have lower back pain, it means something if we have one knee that's always hurting, if something comes up, if we feel nauseous. I've had clients say, I've always had this pain in my chest. And after doing some work, they're like, it's moving, it's moving down. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. There's a book, Body Keeps a Score. Bessel Vanderbilt, love that book. Yeah, you can get it online. Everyone's reading it now, so it's kind of dense, but it's quite interesting.

It's really, it's all this work.

Work can really help. Mindfulness, mindful yoga, combination of IT therapy, EMDR therapy, you know, all that.

Yeah, all of it works. And I mean, I just think, I mean, what are people who say, I can't afford therapy, I don't have time for therapy, I don't need therapy. I mean, are you at school thought with me that everybody could use some therapy?

I think everybody could use some therapy and not everybody can afford it. And so, you know, I take sliding scales. EMDR is now evidence based. And so a lot of insurances are approving a certain amount of therapies for emdr. So please check with your insurance companies if you do have insurance. There's different clinics that have EMDR and their staff does it like at Southern California Counseling center here in Los Angeles. But you can probably find some online across the country. There's also a site called emdria E M D R I A and it has therapists nationally and maybe internationally. But you can put in your address and a therapist within five miles and the price point that you can work with. So you can find therapy for pretty, pretty low cost. Emdra, EMDR I A, mdria.

And that's how people could find a therapist or EMDR therapist.

An EMDR therapist.

Let's do body scan and then we'll go.

Okay. A body scan is something that a lot of people know because people talk about it on all these meditation sites. And so go ahead and whatever your idea of a body scan is, that Is it? But I call this an I love my body scan because we forget.

How precious our bodies are. We just do. And so let's just sit for a minute. And it'll take about two, three minutes maybe. And so if any. Everyone that's listening can just sit into. Settle into where you're sitting and lean back comfortably. You can leave your eyes open or closed.

And right now.

The foundation, the life breath, which is our breath. Just focus into that right now.

And just notice it.

And notice your feet on the floor or if you're sitting on a cushion, pressure points of your body.

Leaning on a couch, sitting on a chair.

Earbuds in. What does that feel like? And just know them.

And now just start at the top of your head. And I'm just going to guide you into an I love my body skin.

And so focus on your brain.

And everything it does for you holds all your emotions. It helps you make choices. It wakes you up and.

Activates all your senses. So tell your brain I love you brain. Thank you for everything you do.

And then your eyes and your nose and your ears.

Your teeth and your tongue.

Everything that makes you human to see and hear, taste, swallow, speak.

I love you eyes, ears, nose, nose. Thank you for everything you do.

And then just gently follow your body down through your neck and your throat.

The shoulders and the arms, down to the magical elbows.

The forearms, the hands, the wrists. And think about every joint in the fingers, every joint in the thumb and your wrist.

The bones, the muscles.

They hold people and put things down.

I love you hands and arms and shoulders.

Thank you.

And then.

Scan your torso, the breastbone and the breast and your rib cage and your heart and lungs and the spinal cord, all the organs leading down into your pelvis.

Thank your organs for working so perfectly to digest and help you breathe and live.

And the hips and the hip joint.

The genital area, the digestive system. Thank you. I love you. You're getting me through this day.

And now pay attention to each thigh, the front, the back, down to the knees, those knees that are so precious.

The layers that help us sit and stand and walk.

B thank you, knees and thighs, for your strength in helping me move forward.

And the shins and the calf, all those muscles that wrap around each other into the feet.

With the arch and the heel and the toes and all the those bones and joints that help us stand.

And lay down.

And walk the earth. Thank you, feet. I love you, feet.

And one last bit of gratitude for the skin and the blood and the thoughts and the feelings that come and go.

As a whole being.

A body, a mind and a spirit.

I love my body, skin.

And then coming into this moment right here, right now.

And take a nice inhale and a nice exhale.

And open your eyes and here we are.

That's good. I always say to her, I'm like, that's good. I do. Thank you. Annadel. Annadel. That was very helpful. So we can find you at annadelbarbore.com b a r b o-u r.com anything else in your book on Amazon or.

On doraspublishing.com I think there's an ebook available too.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you guys.

I'll talk to you soon. That was awesome.

It was really great.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. There's so much more to talk about, so don't miss my next episode. Subscribe to Sex with Emily right now. Just do it. Dz Easy. Let's do it right now. You can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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