Sex: The De-stressor

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrink. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com youm're gonna love our site and all the blogs we have to help you have better sex. You can find me on all social media across the board. It's sexwithemily. All right, guys, enjoy the show. There is a spillover effect of sex, Meaning we often bring our work home with us, don't we? But what happens when we bring our work home? Sometimes it means we're too stressed out and we just don't want to have sex. Right. And in fact, stress is the number one killer of our sex drive. Our stress drive. I mean, really, like I'm like, we have a stress drive and a lot of times our stress drive is way higher than our sex drive. So I think we've been all, we've all been like grumpy at work. But what they found in this study was that shock that when, you know, participants in the study had sex with their spouses, guess what? They were a lot happier and positive at work the next day.

Hmm. Shocker.

They were also more satisfied with their jobs if they had sex sex the night before. And this was due to the positive mood. And then when you're positive, you have more engagement at work. But these are more of the potential benefits I talk about all the time of sex, which even persists, you know, into the next day. And this goes for orgasms during masturbation too. But I wanted to say that if you're a couple, it is important, like it's going to spill over into your work. It's going to have an impact. Now here's a catch though. If you're really stressed at work, work related stress is going to make stress less likely. So when you come home from work and you're frazzled and you're stressed out and there's pressures at work and all the things, it means that you're probably not going to want to have sex and that's going to be a problem.

So it's like two positives but also two negatives.

Exactly. It is. It is unfortunate, Right? Exactly. So like, really, you guys, that's A complicated relationship. Home and work lives. And now work. We always bring work home. It's always on our phones. It's everywh.

So do you think though if you had sex the night before that so you're more positive and work the next day you'll have less work related stress?

Yeah. Hopefully it carries over that day you go home. Or maybe you have sex first when you get home. Like that'll make you feel better. The right mindset if you are stressed. Like if you felt good that morning coming into work, then something Bad happens at 4 o' clock before you go home. Just know, just be like, be like I'm telling you. What resets all that for me is like breathing when you get out of like do some kind of cleansing when you leave the office to separate home from work, breathe 10 times really deep into your, you know, pelvic floor, which is possible.

Let it go and you release it.

And there's always those people that you see and you're like.

I just feel like that person hasn't gotten laid in a little while.

Right.

Or like that's kind of real. It really is.

Can be real. It can be real. And you know what that feels like too. So you all know when you haven't had sex.

But also there's also another theory here on why some of us actually aren't interested in sex. So a lot of us are like, well what is it? What's wrong with me? Is it hormones? Is it psychological? Is it physical, physiological? What is it? So let's break this down now. We started talking about this last week that there is a new female Viagra drug which I'm going to tell you I do not. It's not going to work. Women are not, it's not Viagra women. We don't have penises to get hard. It's very different. Most of what's happening with sex is happening between our ears. So a new study published found there was a very clear difference in sexual motivations between women, okay. Who are diagnosed with. Okay, so what this pill they say for like the female Viagra is for women with.

Sexual interest arousal disorder. Okay. So ffsiad and these are women who have little interest in sex, are unable to become aroused by sex and it causes them distress. And this is different than people who are just asexual or don't want sex. Okay. Which I don't even know that I believe that every woman is FSIAD at some point in their lives. Like that's actually the norm, that we have little interest or we're unable to be easily aroused for sex. And typically that will cause distress. But that's besides the point. What I'm telling you is you don't need a pill for it. But think about this. What actually motivates you to have sex? Okay, so, so there's a few things that they found in this study that motivated. There's three different types of motivation essentially. Now just stick with me because I don't want this to get too, like, scientific, but there's sexual communal strength. What does that mean? How motivated are you to meet your part, your partner's sexual needs?

So people, which I read this first going, well, see, but part of me is like, I, when I read this, I was like, oh, you're just doing it for your partner. You're meeting your partner's needs. But this turns out to have some benefits to it. So even if women who have some ongoing conditions that make sex painful, if you're really like, you're doing it for your partner, for your relationship, you can get aroused more easily and you have more satisfaction in relationships. Or if you've approached sexual goals, that means you're pursuing sex just to have a positive outcome. Like, you're like, you know what? I'm going to have sex because it's going to improve our intimacy. I'm going to have an orgasm. I, I'm going to have physical pleasure for myself. And I can think about it and go, you know what? This is a win win. Like, I'm going to do it. And then this is the kicker. And it's going to sound very familiar. There's avoidance sexual goals. And this is when people have sex to avoid negative outcomes. For example, you're having sex to avoid disappointing your partner because they'll think you, they'll dump you if you don't do it. They'll, you know, you're with your husband and the husband and partner and they keep telling you, if you don't have sex, you know, I'm gonna be mad at you. Or you just know what it's gonna sound like. You have to go, and you're just doing it and you're like, fine, I'll get over with. So it's not surprising that these goals, like if people who have approach goals are, you know, have more satisfaction and people with avoidance have less.

Well, yeah, because you're doing something to gain a positive outcome instead of avoiding a negative one. Yeah, like nobody wants, like, it's like the things that you do begrudgingly, right.

Like go to the dentist or shovel Snow or clean your room or like, I don't.

Yeah, like something like. Like, I really don't want to wash the dishes right now, but if I don't do it in this moment, my partner's gonna come home and they're gonna be, like, mad at me the whole rest of the night.

Exactly. Well, right?

I mean, like, that might help, but.

Sometimes it's like I'm still doing it, and now I'm begrudging. Now I'm doing the dishes.

Now it's resentful.

Now I'm resentful. And resentment is dangerous, you guys. Resentment is also the biggest killer of your sex drive because you didn't talk about something and you let it lie there and you thought it would go away, and you thought you'd ignore it and you'd get busy. You drink, you know, have a few drinks, go with your friends, and that doesn't take it away. It's still there. So it makes sense, you guys, because when you are focused, if you're just focused on avoiding your, you know, upsetting your partner or even just on your own sexual issues, it's a lot harder to focus on all the positive things about sex. And if you don't associate sex with anything positive at all, why would you have sex? Why would you initiate it? Why would you even care about mixing it up or doing anything to please your partner? And so people who have difficulties recognizing and responding to their partner sexual needs typically have fewer sexual needs themselves. So that's why I'm okay with. If you have a sexual communion or strength, you're like, I'm going to do it to please my partner. I don't think you can do that for a lifetime. Like, if you're only doing it to please your partner, but you're not having any pleasure, well, that's a problem. We're gonna get to that in a second. But I think just at least thinking about it and making it. Try working on making it positive for both of you is great. And then having sexual goals, knowing that it's actually a good thing. And that's why if you don't ever have any positive memories of sex or you've never had orgasms or not. That's why I love starting with some self love and time, figuring out what feels good to you or. Or starting with a conversation with your partner outside the bedroom, that's gonna start it. That's gonna help you realize, you know, kind of rewire your brain. You can rewire your brain. You are not fixed where you're at Right now, with your sexual pleasure, your satisfaction level, it can always change, for sure.

I like this sexual, communal strength term.

Yeah.

Because communal means that, like, both of you should probably have that.

Well, right? Exactly. Yep.

Like, hopefully.

Yeah. Like, we're in this together, babe. We are a team. Remember that. You are in a team, that if you're in a relationship, it is both of your responsibilities to figure out what feels good to both of you. So it makes you a happy couple. And I know a lot of you call in without your partners, and I get that. And you should. We love when couples call in. They don't do it nearly enough, but you really should. But I get that, of course, you could start the conversation going, but it's not only up to you to bring everything, to bring all the energy, all the excitement, all the newness, because that's exhausting. So a lot of you say, though, how do I. Like, how do I, though, keep it going? How do I keep my pilot light lit? I like to say because I often tell this. And this goes for, you know, men and for women, but I often have to, you know, remind this. A lot of women is that, like, we. It's hard to feel like outsourcing any aspect of our sexuality. Like, saying, my partner has to make me turn on. My partner has to make me get me in the mood. Every time. All these things is. It makes it. It's not really sustainable because our partners have a lot of other things going on. And the second our partners were like, well, they didn't do this or they didn't do that. And that's why, like, I used to believe that someday my prince would come, and so would I. That's the perfect example of me thinking, it's all on him. It's all his. I'm just gonna lie here. And he has to bring all the energy, but we have to all bring energy to the table. So it's important for us to fill ourselves up, to fill up that sexuality even before we can give it to anyone. So the first thing, you guys, is if you don't have the motivation like we talked about or you're not sure, prioritize it. Just literally. We do what we prioritize. We might even be kind of motivated, but then we throw in the towel. But, like, if you prioritize something on your list, like, you know, the things that you do in your life, we all have 24 hours in the day, and it's because you prioritize it. You prioritize scrolling on Instagram for two hours or you prioritize talking on the phone or watching sports or going to the gym. Going to the gym's fine, but maybe you could skip it one time if you do it every day because your partner's only home at that hour and that's when you could have sex. So prioritize your pleasure. And I get it. It's really hard to feel sexy when there is so much stress and the kids have to be fed and you gotta do the laundry and all the things. But like, just know that all those things are gonna be there. Like you're gonna die with a to do list. It was literally the best thing I ever told myself.

It's so.

And I still have to remind myself of that. I'm like, but what about this? We didn't get to this I'm like, I'm gonna friggin d to do list and what am I gonna do? Like, are you gonna finish it? Like what it'll be? I'll be dead. It won't matter if who picks up my dream. She would though. Just to be nice. That's what she said. She died. But first I have to get her dry cleaning finished at the funeral.

At the funeral she would be like, instead of the eulogy, it would be.

The things she checked. I checked off all her boxes and she nearly has.

Okay, guys, seriously. I've done that for someone before.

They really wanted to create. Yeah, but they really want.

They told me their like dream before they died and I went ahead and.

I did it for them.

It wasn't a huge thing.

They wanted to create this website based off all their likes just to like.

Send it to their friends anytime they asked them for a recommendation.

So I created it for her and.

Like sent it around to everybody just cuz she had talked about really wanting to do it.

The world really does not deserve you.

I know, like an angel, but like badass. Like I don't even know how this happens. Amazing. Amazing. Okay, we'll get to my desk.

She's like an angel with a leather jacket on.

I know, I love that. Exactly. All right, so I love that. Okay, but you will still die with. If you don't have a curse in your life, it's going to be dead and nothing will happen. So just remember.

Yeah, and even then, that's what I'm just telling you. It doesn't matter. Prioritize your pleasure. So when you prioritize, you make time for it. Take a shower, like turn that into your like sexy time with yourself or your partner. Uninterrupted date Nights, you guys, date nights. Huge for couples. Couples who don't have to. Like, it's the easiest thing in the world to have one night a week. And maybe it's not that easy. Like, get a babysitter, switch with a friend. If you don't have them, be like, can my kids come over for two hours? Or my kid, like, what do you think about. Date nights are really big. My people of date nights are like, report success all the time.

Like, if you really can't leave your house, like, what if you just make it? Like, I feel like people go, date night. We have to go out to dinner. We have to do this. But, like, what if you just like, no, we're going to commit to just 30 minutes. Like, no one talk to us except for each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, just sitting on the kitchen table. I think even that would be nice.

What if they have a date night and they're like, I mean, this is probably weird. No one will do this. But no one's gonna do this with kids. No, you, like, get a babysitter for the kids. Mommy and daddy need to have some time in our bedroom. We never have time alone. Like, I should do that. I think they should, mommy. Because then it shows kids that we love each other. We have. We prioritize the mommy daddy relationship and everyone's kids. Like, I don't hear my parents having sex. It's so gross. And I don't think they need to hear you. If you have a big enough house, you could avoid it. But like, to show them that we are pray, we, like, because the kids are gonna cry and I can't leave them alone. But, like, it's important to see that you are prioritizing your relationship together as parents.

Okay.

Also, you guys, the other thing is embrace your sensuality. Remember, we get very disconnected from our bodies, and it's very hard. Like, I'm telling you, I get why your pilot lives and it isn't lit. You leave work and then you get home and there's so much to do, and there's so many errands, and we don't take the space. So sensuality is a process. Is a process of, like, fulfilling all of our senses. You have those, like, candles lit. You touch yourself. You taste things that are good. You breathe deep. You engage your senses in the moment. That is what sensuality is. And that is a practice and practicing your self clear and your self love. Because sex begets sex. The more you self love, the more you're gonna want to have sex. The more you have sex, you're gonna want it and keep it top of mind. So that's how you keep it top of mind. So I get it. Your partner comes home and they're all turned on and you're not. Cause in that moment, it's really hard to snap too. But if you've been thinking about it and cultivating this even you're in the shower and you practice like in the morning, even if it's not sexual, but you're like breathing and you're smelling the soap and you're feeling your hands on your own skin. That is all. Engaging your sen. Oh, I love doing that.

Like I love. I realized recently in the last couple months how much I really like putting lotion on my body.

Yeah.

Because I wasn't doing that for a long time because I don't know why. Just didn't buy any lotion. And now I've come across all these lotions that I.

Awesome.

All of a sudden, you know, and it just. It feel. It does. It feels really good. And then you can't stop touching yourself.

Exactly. That's what happens. That's such a great practice. Like if you have some beautiful body lotion that you've been saving for something like date. No, just. Or a date or something when you're with someone, do it now. Like pamper yourself. That is what self care is. Scheduling sex has gotten a bad rap. And I get it. It sounds very unsexy. Like, okay, we're like, pick up the kids, then we got this. And then I gotta go to the dry cleaner. I love the dry cleaner example. And then I go to work and then I have sex. You're like, it's another friggin thing. But it takes the pressure off. When you guys are like busy with your lives and stuff's going on. Then you know, like Saturdays are night and Wednesday morning and that's when we're doing it. And I don't have to deal with Tuesday night worrying that my partner's gonna want it and I don't. But also, you guys schedule sex with yourself. I'm gonna masturbate on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. I'm gonna set my alarm before I go to the gym. 15 minutes earlier. Do, meditate, masturbate, manifest. I try to do that every day. It's a great thing. It actually works. I'm just telling you to give yourself. You clear your head. Like, you can't not start the day well when you're like, boom. Masturbate, masturbate, meditate, Manifest. Manifest what you want to Happen in the day, take a few seconds and think about how the day is going to go. Because oftentimes we are wired to think about all the negative things that can happen. And we don't think about like, well, what would be the best case scenario if that meeting goes really well? What if this day at work is amazing? What if my workout's killer? What if the, you know, meeting with my boss, they give me a raise? Like, we just think of the worst case scenario. But when you kind of be like, oh, that was all negative things. Let me think of. You're going to find out when I started doing this, that most of the time when I take the time to think about what I actually want to feel, in other words, an intention for the day it actually happens. So I'm going in with that and do that with your, your sex schedule it, write it down and have an intention that you can also switch this all around. Your sex life is, is. Might feel like it's static and hopeless and it can't change, but it can change.

Like, I feel like especially parents, they don't do this.

Parents never do this. No, because it's like the kid. Because being a parent is very challeng challenging and they don't. It's the hardest job on the planet. And you're like, how do I. There's always stuff to do. Like, I can't, but you know, so much for yourself to do. And then you got like kids and their stuff. You're like, there's literally no time for me. There's no time for us. And then you feel guilty and then you're like, well, I've never talked to our kids about sex. So we have to like, pretend it doesn't happen. Like, it's only happened once when you were born baby. Or twice when your. Your sister was born. Like, no. Like, I think the more, you know, if you make it more normalized and.

You could it so happen.

Parents just don't. They're exhausted too.

And I get, oh, I get it.

But talk about it date night.

They're not just with sex, but just other things that parents do, they used to do in their relationships that kept them close. Like, my parents always be like, oh, yeah, before we had kids, like, we went to Hawaii, we did this and we did that. And I'm like, I mean, I can get it. Like, you gotta find babysitters to still go to Hawaii. I'm like, but I was like, I'm not stopping you from going to Hawaii. Like, go to Hawaii. Take me with you just leave me somewhere else.

Exactly. No, but it's good for your kids.

Take me snorkeling.

This isn't a great example because my parents did get divorced, but they were always taking trips. But they didn't know how to communicate. Ah, that was the problem. But I'm saying, like, that was what people did. They were like, we're going Hawaii for a week or wherever they would go once a year.

We are just doing activities.

Look at me, right? So normal.

We're fine.

We're fine.

Like, honestly, I feel like. And I mean, I don't have any kids, so I'm sure I. This is. I can't really speak to this, but I'm just saying that a lot of times kids have fun. If they're just doing a fun activity, they're fine.

And you don't give a choice. Mommy and daddy need time together. Like you get with your friends in school, you get to go to camp with your friends. Mommy and daddy need to go to our mommy and daddy camp together. We need that. It makes us better parents. But we don't talk to our kids about that. But you should. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we're get into your questions.

We have Martin, who's 52 in Florida and has got a question about open marriage.

Hey, Martin, thanks for calling.

Hey, how are you?

I'm good, thanks.

Thank you for taking my call.

Of course.

Question. Been married to the same woman for 20 plus years.

We've had three sons before. You know, our kids have grown up. We're empty nesters now. And, you know, because of my job, it takes me out of the country and she now, you know, I allow her to have a boyfriend. You know, we both decided.

Because of that. Now it seems like.

I'm not adequate. I feel like I'm not adequate for her. Her boyfriend, who I have met, super nice guy, younger guy, super well endowed. You know, it's like they having marathon sex while I'm actually 62, not 52.

Okay?

And she's 10 years younger than I am. So I don't know if this is.

Well, Martin, let me ask you a question. Can I see. Well, this is what I got to find out. Martin, is she. What are the facts here? Is she actually saying to you, honey, Martin, this guy so well endowed, I'm having the best sex? Like you're not. You're not. Not adding up. Or is this your own, like, mind thing? Is she doing what she can to make you feel comfortable right now? Or has she actually said things that are leading you to believe that? What are the facts?

Well, I've been privy to, you know.

Being at the room when they're, you know, when they're intimate because. Because of medical issues, I can't, you know, function that well.

So, you know, it's pleasure for her and pleasure for me, but, you know, I just see what they do and I see what he does with her and how in ecstasy she is, that when it comes time for us, it just doesn't, you know, the bar is set too high, in other words.

Yeah, I understand that. How long has this been going on with seeing the other man?

Three years. Three years.

All right, so that's a long time. I mean, I feel like. Martin, have you had to talk with her about this, about how you've been feeling lately?

Yes.

And what does she say?

She understands. She's willing to, you know, not see this person anymore. However, I don't want to take that away from her.

Right. Okay. So you have to figure out now. I mean, I think that's really. First of all, Martin, it's. I think your communication is great, and you seem really open, and of course, it's. Is really vulnerable. So I feel like that there has to be. You have to still get your needs met, is what I'm hearing. And right now it's a matter of you figuring out what that is. So maybe it's.

How else could you still feel loved and needed from your wife? You know, like, what. What does she need to say to you or do? Because it sounds like, yeah, if you cut that off and she says she will, then you're going to feel bad about it, too. Maybe it's a different person. Maybe this person has run their course, and maybe if it was someone else, she would feel less intimidated. Or maybe, Martin, there are ways that you could still please her that you haven't thought about yet. You know, sex. We often don't even know what's possible when we look at the sex menu of what we can do. And just because you're having physical limitations right now doesn't mean that you can't provide your wife with a lot of ecstasy. Because most of the ecstasy women experience. Yes, it could be about the penis, but not the majority of the sex that can give us ecstasy doesn't even have to necessarily do with the penis.

Yeah, but unfortunately, it has to do with her boyfriend's penis.

Right. In this case, gifted. Right, but maybe he's. But would you want her, like, is she in love with him? Could you say. Well, I. I'm okay with the open thing. Okay, so here's the thing. Would she find someone else that makes you feel better? This is what happens in open relationships. You're constantly looking at boundaries and you're renegotiating. And if she's your primary, she's your wife. If things doesn't feel right to you anymore, then maybe she needs to take a pause and find someone else. That maybe makes you less intimidated. But I. You know, you might just. The next guy has more money, and that also transfers to something, and he brings nice things and he's better at oral, or you perceive him to be better, or, you know, like, there's. There could always be a thing where you. Because right now we're talking about your insecurities. And so I don't know if that's what you have to work on, building that up or if just I would talk to her some more about it and maybe not have it be so black and white, like, just. Just dump him. But maybe there's just ways you can figure out what else you need from this relationship. Okay, Martin.

Well, thank you for your time.

You're so welcome. I will be here for you five nights a week. You can call me 889-478-2777.

I feel like that would be super hard going from open to closed, or at least closing the door a little bit. Maybe it's open a crack.

Right. That would be hard. But I think if you. If they've gone into it consensually. Listen, you guys, you do not just decide, one day we're going to get into an open relationship. The couples that are the most successful have, like. Some have written contracts, and they have boundaries, and they. They. They decide, well, if it gets too serious with someone or if I start feeling like it's. It's not working for me or one of us, we have to change it. So, yeah, I would think. But I'm not even saying he has to not be open anymore. Maybe that's just not the partner. You take a pause.

Yeah, exactly.

And she says she's cool with it.

Yeah.

But, yes, of course, anytime you change the status of the relationship, it's gonna be a transition.

This is a really great question. We have Stephanie, who's 42, in Iowa. She just found out that her boyfriend has a bag of sex toys and never brought them up to her. So how does she confront him with this?

Oh, hey, Stephanie. Tell me what happened.

Hello there.

Hi.

But, hey, we've been dating for almost three years. And he moved in with me a year ago and kind of had stuff in my basement. Oh. I went down to, like, try to reorganize and make a little space for him to do his art. And I discovered a bag, and so I kind of picked it up and I was nosy. I shouldn't have been. But I did look in it and it has some fixed toys in it.

Okay.

Never brought it up at all. I have some. We've used mine. But.

It seems weird that he's never brought it up. Never mentioned it.

Well, yeah. Were they used? Were they women? What kind of sex toys were they. Were they for men? Were they for women?

Well, see, I don't. I mean, I only have a couple and I'm not real knowledgeable about what's out there. So I. I don't really know whether they're. I mean, one of them's kind of like L shaped that I could see. It would, like, go towards the G spot, but it could also be like a prostate.

A prostate toy, maybe. It could be a prostate massager. I mean, here's the thing. I. I feel like, listen, you move in together a year ago. Maybe he forgot he had them. You should see the st. I just threw into my garage when I moved. I'm like, I don't know what's in that box. Let's throw it in there. So maybe it was from an ex. Maybe he was exploring his prostate. And I think you could say, listen, I was cleaning up the garage. I was downstairs where you said the basement, and I found this toy. And I just wanted, like. Because what is it making you feel like? Maybe. Because it sounds like he doesn't remember they're there either. So is it making?

I don't know. Yeah, I tried to kind of come around it the.

Kind of. Around the subject by kind of saying, hey, you know, I've read that, you know, prostate massage is something that makes orgasms really good for guys. And. And because I thought maybe that's what the toys were.

Right.

And he kind of. He kind of said, I'm not sure I want you to do that. He said it'd make me feel weird.

Okay, well, then.

Then I don't know.

Well, I would just say, you know. Yeah, because you're not sure what they are. I would just honestly. Do you know his dating history before you? Maybe he was dating someone before you and she left him at his house. I mean, I don't think he's hiding. He what?

Yeah, that could be, I guess.

Yeah. I mean, I think if they'd been in the basement since you moved in. I don't think we have anything to worry about here except for, like, maybe someone left him at his house or maybe he's interested in exploring so you could just say to him, I love that we use our toys together. And I found these in the basement. I just want to know, did you need them? Are they for something? Did you want to explore? I think just asking them, because I don't know, doesn't even let junk you don't know. So that's what I think. I wouldn't trip on it until you ask them in a really, like, non threatening, non judgmental way and just say, I'm curious. Did you want these back? I'm cleaning out the garage. I found sex toys. Just ask and then let me know what he said. Yeah, I think it's totally very straightforward without judgment. Thanks, Stephanie. Thanks for calling.

Okay, we have Igor, 31 Washington, who's got a question about male orgasms.

Oh, great. Let's round it out here. Hey, Igor, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi, how can I help you?

I'm doing pretty good. I just got this weird question.

It's okay.

So there are times when I just ejaculate and I don't have an orgasm. There are other times when I have full body orgasm. And it's more often than just ejaculation without an orgasm.

So you have an ejaculation but you don't feel anything?

It's just like, I kind of. You feel, but it's just not. The transplant just came out.

You're like, okay, when did this start happening?

I don't know. It's been mild and bland for the last, I don't know, five, six years. But once in a while I come, I get like a full orgasm.

Are you on any medications? Not okay. Did anything happen to you sexually, like in a relationship or elsewhere?

Not really, no.

Nothing's changed. Okay. Did anything happen for you when you're younger around sex? Like early messaging around sex?

How younger are we talking about?

Doesn't matter. It could be five, seven, I don't know. Okay, well, sometimes, like, things happen to us when we're younger and we get messages around sex, or maybe someone touched us inappropriately or something happened and it can get kind of locked into our sexual functioning. And so if something did happen, that could still be having an impact today because a lot of it is kind of mental what happens with orgasms. And so maybe there's something like you're thinking like, this Orgasm is going to feel good. It didn't feel good last time. And then sure enough, your orgasm isn't that intense. And I'm curious if the times, Igor, where you do have. Have the orgasm, if something's shifted in those cases, like, is it when you're with a person? Have you been fantasizing about something? Did you have a particularly, like, you know, see something sexual that really turned you on?

I think it's more of a. Feel more, More open at that. That aspect. Like unjudged, in a sense.

Oh, you. You feel more judged. Are you in a relationship?

Okay, so yeah, if I feel more free and unjudged, so there's no judgment. Right. And I feel more. More of a climax.

Okay.

And this is when you're with your partner and you don't feel judged, but sometimes you do feel judged.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, mostly it's. It's a psych. It's. It's probably something psychological. That's what it sounds like to me. There's something in your brain that you've wired the neural pathways, which we can undo, but it takes some work. So I feel like. So what is going on with your partner right now? Like, what makes you feel judged? Because none of us want to feel, you know, I'm telling you, when we feel judged by our partner and we don't feel safe and accepted, no one has orgasms. Women don't have orgasms. Men don't. So what's going on?

Well, so my girl was a really goody, goody girl. I was more of like. Like a player in a sense. So. So I'm trying something new or I'm trying to do something different. She feels like I'm bringing something dirty.

Ah, okay. That makes sense.

And I kind of feel. I feel judged on that.

Yeah. And then you get into your head and then you can't enjoy the sex you're having. So it sounds to me like. How long have you guys been together?

Five, six years.

Okay, well, it sounds to me like you guys have to have some conversations outside the bedroom. Like, I was just talking to Hazel about. Every couple needs this agory. You guys have got to like, you know, have a conversation with her where you're saying, like, let's just talk about our sex life, where we're at, like, what you enjoy about it, what you don't, what we could work on, you know, but it. And, and, and I. Honestly.

She might need a little work around this. I. I don't know. Like, listen, it's a lot of it. Is work, but it can happen to kind of undo messaging since we were a child. So if she, you said she's goody two shoes, right? Like, so maybe it was around religion or her parents shamed her or maybe there was something that happened that she can't. She hasn't fully stepped into her female sexual. Her female expression of her, of her, of power, of, you know, it sounds like she's been, you know, women's sexuality is often more judged and policed by society. So she's still carrying around that heaviness when she's having sex and she's putting it upon you. And so I feel like that's, that's what's causing it.

So how would I approach it? I've brought up different ways of talking about it before and I've been like, what are your fantasies?

She doesn't know though, because she's never explored her own sexuality. So how you talk about it is that, like, I mean, I, I feel like there's got to be some therapy involved here maybe, because I'm not sure on your own. I mean, I can give you different conversation starters. She probably doesn't know her fantasies or masturbate and maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience actually, is what it sounds like. So would she be willing to open up and start exploring with you? Like, you guys could go do some research, like buy some books, listen to the show together, get some sex toys, you know, explore. Do some mutual masturbation where she's exploring her body, you're exploring yours. She just, you know, I, I think though, if she' a mental jail around sex, I think therapy is going to be the best thing for you guys. It's going to be hard to pull her out of this on your own. Okay. Okay. Thanks for calling, Negro. I appreciate it.

Kelly, who's from California, is 38 and has a question about rough sex.

Hey, Kelly. Thanks for calling. Hey. Hey.

I know. I can't believe you missed humidity. I'm from Ohio and came out to California to stay popular.

Just in a moment it did. Just like talking to Nicole. I was like, oh, to be there. But no, I'm back. Okay. What's going on? They talked me out of it. I canceled my ticket.

Yeah, good.

So me and my husband have been together for 17 years and you know, we kind of, we have very active sex life. But I've noticed here in the last couple of months he, you know, we have like a variety. We'll do some nice things, we'll do some rep stacks. We'll do some nice sex. You know, we'll mix it up here. Lately, he's just been wanting to do nothing but rough sex. And I'm trying to, like, have conversations with him. Like, I can't be pounded out every night.

Working for me, right? Yeah, exactly. What kind of a conversation can I have? Because he. He's like, kind of like, oh, you know. You know, oh, well, tomorrow night, you know, we'll. We'll do something different. And then it will start out slow, but then, like, I'll have my orgasm. And then he'll. Then when he's getting his. It just seems like any more. In the last couple months, it has been nothing. But you can only get off if it's, like, intense and it's changed.

Do you know how much he watches porn?

He doesn't.

He doesn't.

Okay, well, he. Yeah, I mean, we have. I mean, he works, like, pretty long hours. Work like four, ten. And we have sex probably about at least four times a week.

Amazing. Wow, Kelly, that's great. 17 years you've been together. Okay, so. And you said that you. So have you guys talked about this kind of thing outside the bedroom? Have you been, like, okay, God, you know, I mean, really, it's a matter of just saying. And again, you have to talk about a few times, but just saying. I really want to talk to you about the kind of sex we've been having. You know, I like it. Some of it's tender, but I think lately it's been really rough. And I'd. Maybe you could give him some options of what else you know, you'd like. Because sometimes maybe he doesn't know what to do. Like, listen, things become a habit really easily when it comes to sex. So maybe he was like, okay, this is the. Easy. You had your orgasm. I'm exhausted, and I'm just gonna go really fast. Cause that's how I'm gonna come. And he's got used to it. Maybe he almost doesn't know of other options. That sounds silly, but we kind of forget. We get it, gets into our groove. So maybe a conversation would be like, showing him exactly what you'd like. Like, after my orgasm. I think it would be so hot if you did blank. Like, do you know what that even looks like, Kelly? Because a lot of times we have to, like, spell it out. Because I'm sure he doesn't. He's not trying to piss you off and be like, yeah, I'll be all soft, but now I'm gonna go rough. So it sounds like he just might not know what else to do in that moment. Or maybe he forgot, like. Because if this just started a few months ago, I mean, I don't know. Like, I really think it's outside the bedroom. Hey. And it's positive. It's not like, stop pounding away at me after I orgasm like a piece of meat. It's always very light. It's positive. When you guys are chilling and having a good time, you're like, let's talk about our sex life lately. I love that it's still so active. My orgasm was so great last night. I was thinking about it that sometimes though, when it's really fast like that at the end, it doesn't feel so great. Let's try something new, for example, and then give him some notes. And if it doesn't happen, don't get pissed, don't think he doesn't listen. Think how hard it is to change a habit so you have to bring it up again. He's your husband. You've been together 17 years. He wants to please you. So you just probably need to help him, kind of give him other options. All right?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Kelly. Thanks for calling.

Thanks, everyone for listening to the show, for supporting the show, for telling a friend. We all need some more sex advice. Right? Sex advice information. And you can also review us wherever you listen. Give us five stars. I so appreciate it. Thanks to my amazing team. Thank you, Jamie. Producer Jamie. Thank you, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Michelle and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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