Sex Up Your Love Language

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Everyone wants to feel loved, am I right? I know I do. But what if there was a way to give love that could also lead to hotter, more connected sex? Well, on today's show, I share how to crack the code on the 5 love languages that will improve all your relationships. Now listen, since everyone expresses love differently, it's important to know what your partner's expectations are to avoid disappointments. And listen, many couples end up in a rut because they don't understand what their partner needs or their partner's love language. So just understanding and grasping the concept of the love languages is just an easy way to amp up all the love and all the sex in your relationship. So in this episode, I break it down for you. And I also answer your questions like what to do if you have a different love language than your partner, which is way more common than you think, ways to show love in a long-distance relationship, and specific ways to express yourself sexually based on your love language and your partner's. Then I answer questions about what to do if you accidentally give your partner feedback on his penis when he didn't ask for it, and what to do if you're no longer sexually attracted to your partner. Intentions with Emily Morse. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention to focus the show on the love languages was to just help you have stronger connections with your loved ones by sharing like a quick, easy tool that might just bridge the gap to what you needed to feel as loved and connected to your partner as possible. Oh, we have a new article on our website, 8 Things That Women Actually Want in Bed. I know you're gonna wanna check that out. And if you wanna learn more about the love languages, check out the new article on our homepage. Questions. All right, if you want to ask me a question, just call my brand new hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Just leave me your questions there or just message me, sexwithemily.com/askemily. All you gotta do is include your name, gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool if you change your name. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Let's talk about the love languages. Maybe you've heard of this concept. The Five Love Languages comes from Dr. Gary Chapman. He's an American author, he's a pastor, a radio talk show host, and he described five ways romantic partners express and receive love. So the basic idea is that everyone gives and receives love differently, but when we figure out our own love language, and our partners will better be able to communicate our love and strengthen our relationships. And the cool thing is that Gary Chapman was a pastor. So he was like seeing couples for like 25 years. And that's how he pinpointed these. And they make a lot of sense. And in fact, I've often recommended to couples, figure out your partner's love language. It's like an easy way to jumpstart a more loving relationship. It's helped a lot of couples just get through resentments And it's not gonna solve all your problems, but it's really eye-opening. And ever since I first learned about the love languages, probably almost a decade ago, I think about it all the time. I think about it with people in my life. It's not just lovers. I think about my own love languages. I think about my employees. So it's really helpful. So I just wanted to break it down for you so you understand it. So there's 5 ways of experiencing love, and we want all of these, don't get me wrong. But we all tend to have 1 to 2 primary love languages. For example, one of them is gifts. And sure, I love getting a gift, but that's not my primary love language. And I just want you to remember that we can express all the love languages and they're all important. But what we're talking about here is finding out your primary love language. So what are the 5 love languages? It's acts of service, gift giving, Physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. So I'm gonna go through them and describe them, and then think about which one of the love languages resonates with you the most. And it also helps to take the quiz, which we will put in our show notes. And again, these are useful because if you find yourself in the same fights with your partner because they won't clean up after themselves, they never say, "I love you," you feel like you don't spend enough time together, maybe you're speaking to each other in different love languages. Our primary love language is often not the same as our partner's. So we often give love the way we want to receive it. But if our partner isn't speaking that language, it's not going to resonate. So I'm going to break it down. The first one is acts of service. If acts of service is your primary love language, it means that you really feel loved when your partner spends time to make your life easier. So this can be simple household chores to filling the car with gas when, you know, without having to ask to, you know, watching the kids while you go out, thinking ahead. So thinking ahead about how they can make your life easier. So this is for our people who are like, actions speak louder than words. That's you. So what you would like if this was your language, for example, you'd like more help around the house. You like when your partner runs errands or helps you moving or helps you organize your closet. You feel so good when your partner makes you breakfast in bed, took the dog for a walk, did the grocery shopping, and you didn't have to ask, folded, put away their own laundry. So essentially, think of it this way: anything that eases your stress and takes the burden off your shoulders. So let me give you a friend of mine. Hers is acts of service. So I'll give you an example. First one was that she really wanted him to hang up this painting in their house, and so she left it at the foot of the stairs. And for like a month, he kept walking past it and walking past it. You know, he was still doing things like saying he loved her, they were still having sex, which is, you know, physical touch. There were other things he was doing, but this really got under her skin. She's like, why is he walking past, hanging up this photo, hanging up this picture when he knows it's important to me. So that really irked her. Now for me, it might not bother me that much. I might be like, why don't we just hire someone to come in and hang it up? And I remember he was like, can you carry these while I'm on a call? And she was just pissed because she's like, I don't wanna carry the groceries. Like that, it's like the acts of chivalry. So that's acts of service. So let's talk about sex acts and acts of service. So this is easy. I mean, if you think about it, any sex act could fall under this love languages, but especially ones where there's a clear giver receiver, like oral sex or massages. You know, your partner says to you, if this is your love language, just lay down, I'm gonna massage you for 15 minutes and just give you pleasure. That's what we're talking about with acts of service. So maybe a romantic date act. If your partner did this and your love language is your primary language, you might appreciate if they made dinner for you instead of you taking care of dinner all the time, or they went out of their way to do something that you appreciate, like they remember to set the mood and they lit candles and they turned on music, something that you often do, but but this time they decided to do it one evening. They were like, I'm gonna do this for you. Or maybe you just came home and the entire house was clean. So that's acts of service. Again, I'm gonna remind you if you haven't listened to these before or heard about them, yes, you would appreciate all those things. We all would. But once I get through these, you're gonna see that there's gonna be 1 to 2 that really spoke to you. Okay, the next is gift giving. So people who value gift giving want thoughtful gifts that indicate their partners have been listening to them and thinking of them throughout the day. Now, this can be done by sending flowers in the middle of the week or buying them a certificate to a spa. And it's not about money here. It's the thought behind the gift. So it's not that you're interested in a monetary value. Your partner bought you a brand new car. They just really appreciate like the time and the care that went into finding the gift itself. So to explain it better, it's the thought that counts. So if gift-giving is your primary love language, so, you know, when someone gets you the perfect gift, they really know you and they get you and they took the time. Maybe they wrapped it beautifully and wrote you a really thoughtful card. You know, maybe someone just brought you your favorite flowers. They remembered that you told them these were your favorite flowers and they did it just because. Maybe there's something that you've been wanting for a while and you kept telling your partner that it was a jacket that you really admire. And you kept saying, I wanna go buy that jacket. You were, you know, talking about, and they remembered. They went out, they found the jacket, they found the store, and they got it for you. So something you've been wanting. Maybe they send you a surprise package at work, or they sign you up for a class you've been wanting to take. So much goes into really giving a good gift. It takes thought, it takes consideration, and most importantly, it makes you feel the most loved by your partner, or one of the main ways that you feel loved. Now think about it. In the absence of that, it's maybe your partner forgot your birthday or they just get you something last minute and it happens for years. You probably feel, maybe they're doing a ton of acts of service for you, but you still feel like, God, what's it with gifts? Now I have a friend, she's been married for a long time and her love language is gifts. And every year her husband, for years, the first few years of their relationship, he just would get her stuff that was random. I remember one time he got her camping equipment and he likes to camp. He got her some tools or something random. And she was like, what is the deal with gifts? So now they got it set up that she tells him exactly what she wants. These are my top 3 gifts I want for the holidays. This is what I want for my birthday. So she's giving him the tools to fulfill her love language. Okay. Now a sex act that would fall under gifts. Well, maybe if your partner asked you like, hey babe, do you have any fantasies? And surprised you and lived it out in real life. That'd be a pretty good gift. Or maybe they got you a new toy or a brand new product or new bottle of lube that goes along with your fantasies and sexual preferences. So those would be some fun things. Now, a romantic or a date night thing that would be great for someone with gifts as your love language. Maybe they bought you tickets to see your favorite artist. They found out they were coming to town and they bought you tickets. Maybe they always arrive on a date with a little extra something to let you know they've been thinking about you. They stopped and bought your favorite chocolates. Or they just wrote you a really nice card. So think about it. Do you feel the most loved when someone gives you a gift? All right, let's move on to the third one, and that's physical touch. Valuing physical touch as a love language means appreciating and feeling so affirmed and so loved through physical connection, whether that's kissing or cuddling, holding hands, or really any kinds of sex. So if this is your love language, you might just feel the most loved when your partner gives you a hug or cuddles you or holds your hands or puts their arm around you while you're watching a movie. They give you a back massage. I mean, a great way to recognize a love language is to think about the absence of it. So also, maybe your partner doesn't hug you or doesn't really touch you that much. They never put their arm around you. You might feel really sort of alone. Now, they might be buying you gifts and doing the laundry, but you just don't have that touch from them. So I can tell you that this is my primary love language, is physical touch. And when I've been with partners where physical touch isn't their primary love language, it's not really important to them to be touching. They're okay if we went hours without touching, or they could come home and not touch me. And I feel alone. Like, I remember sleeping with a guy once, and after we'd sex, he rolled over and went to the other side of the bed. Now, many of you are like, are thinking, thank God, I don't want anyone touching me. I get hot. I've heard from all of you. I get it. You're like, I don't want the blanket. I want my own blankets and my own bed. I am not that way. I want to fall asleep touching somebody with their arm around me. It's okay if you move in the middle of the night, but I, even if my pinky toe is touching their leg, that will work. But I just feel so loved when I get touch. And this can be a tricky love language to navigate sometimes when your partner doesn't have physical touch as a love language. Because remember, like, I'm a very touchy person. Like, I give people hugs and I touch them, and I give it because it's what I like to receive. It's not conscious. But if that's not your love language and you grew up in a place where it wasn't comfortable to touch, or you really just aren't into touch, this is one of those where you have to make a conscious effort. I know somebody whose wife's primary love language was touch and his wasn't. And so in order to make it work so she felt loved, he would come home from work, he would have an alarm that went off on his phone every day when he got home, and it was like, You know, I was like, give her a hug. And he'd walk in the door and he would give her a hug. And he would, 'cause he knew that he would just go about his night and not hug her and wouldn't touch her. And so that was the way he got into his system to remember to give it to her. Now, it wasn't that he doesn't love his wife, but it wasn't his primary language. So he had to find a workaround to make sure that they were both getting their needs met. So you can get creative with this stuff. Maybe you feel, you know, you really appreciate the back massage or you like holding hands or when there's an arm around your shoulder in public. Maybe you like to go out dancing, or you just like hugs and kisses just because. So some sex acts— so I guess a lot of the sex acts can fall under physical touch, right? Because you're touching. But maybe you need a little extra. It's cuddling and caresses and massages, or maybe you just enjoy being naked together. You know, you can also use toys together. And maybe that's why I love toys so much, because I just love Feeling good. I love, and toys make us feel good. They're additive. There's only so much a hand can do or a mouth can do. This is a little bit extra. So, and maybe this is also, I haven't thought about this, but maybe this is why I've loved the Je Joue products for so many years. It's because they feel so good. Just even if you don't turn them on, they use this really beautiful packaging. Their products are made with the highest quality silicone. They're just very pleasing to look at and pleasing to touch. So, I love their Mimi Soft because I know you've heard me talk about the Mimi, but it's just like squishy and it feels good. And then you turn it on and there's these deep rumbly sensations. And so, it's just, and all their toys are like that. So, I don't know. And I just think if you think about toys and you think about touch, that it's just other ways to feel good. And if your partner isn't, you know, physical touch isn't their love language, they could use toys on you. They could just, You know, they could do other things. They could do some additive things that would make you feel good. And I think toys always make us feel good and often make us feel good, I should say. And it's an extra way to receive touch. And if you're alone, you definitely want to get some fun toys to make yourself feel good. So here's some romantic and date night things that might make you feel good if physical touch is your love language. If you're out on a date with your partner or you want to be more romantic, I mean, just think about it. You're out on a date, you want to hold hands, you want to sit close to each other. I mean, I love when I'm with my partner, we'll sit on the the same side of the booth, right? If we're at a restaurant, or the same side of the table, so we are close and touching. Because I typically am with partners who share this love language with me because it's such an important one. Quality time. Let's talk about it. If you value quality time and that's your primary love language, it means you feel just the most appreciated when your loved one prioritizes activities and one-on-one time. So it's not just time spent hanging out, watching TV. It's truly connecting with one another through activities and hobbies without distractions. So you're not on your phones, there's no extra people around. A lot of it is one-on-one doing activities. So if this is your love language, this one's all about giving someone your attention, trying out a new restaurant, or you're cooking together, you're going on a walk together after dinner. You know, planning a romantic picnic with no one else around and without phones. Maybe it's a weekly date night. So sex acts, if you are really into quality time, well, foreplay. Foreplay extends the sex act. Maybe there's some sexual scenarios you could play out like treasure hunts or role-playing. And you probably also like easing into sex. You want to get lost in the moment. Or maybe you watch some porn together. Love Bellesa porn. Listen, if you've been hesitant or haven't been able to find the kind of porn that you like watching with a partner, just check out Bellesa. It's B-E-L-L-E-S-A, and it's porn that's made for more of a— for vulva owners, I find we just— you see sex on there that feels more like what you actually want. So that's what I'll say about it. Check it out. So if quality time is, you know, the kind of date you might like, just making sure that when you do spend time together, you put your phone away, you're not looking at it all night, and you just kind of luxuriate in the moments you have together and just without distraction. And think about the absence of it when you don't have quality time together, when it's been just the kids are around and your partner's always on their phone and you haven't had that one-on-one connection, you might be feeling a little less connected to your partner, feeling, you know, less loved. So that's a great way to think about these. Okay, words of affirmation. This is the fifth love language. So individuals who value words of affirmation love to hear frequent compliments and other forms of positive, supportive words from their loved ones, and also being specific with their words. So think about it. Do you love when someone gives you a compliment? Or maybe a coworker said you did great on this last project and they tell you all, you know, maybe your lover tells you all the ways they love you. It's just about details and being specific. Or maybe they're really proud of your accomplishments at work and they say, you know, I think it's really great what you've done and the leadership you've taken with your team. Or I'm really proud of that award you received at work. You wanna hear the words from them. And of course, you know, you know, you might, if this isn't your love language, you're probably thinking, I don't like to hear it. It makes me uncomfortable. I know my partner I know he loves me. But if words of affirmation is your love language, even though you know it, you need to hear it. You wanna know, you wanna hear it every day. You know, and they also change over time. 'Cause I used to think this was my primary, and I still appreciate it. It's funny, I took the quiz again myself, and I think I'm more quality time and touch now than I am words. But there have been periods in my life where it was words, Even though, for example, I knew my partner was really attracted to me and was really into me. I remember one time I came back from vacation and I hadn't seen my partner in a week, and he came in and he picked me up and twirled me around and we had sex. And I'll never forget this. I turned to him and I said, are you still attracted to me? And he's like, what? Of course. And I was like, well, you didn't say that how good I looked or that you were into me. It's like, I just, it had been a week. I hadn't heard the words. And I needed to hear it, even though he, of course, like, loved me and missed me. So that's just an example. You know, you want to hear it. Maybe, you know, you love when your partner writes you notes or leaves little sticky notes with nice messages on them. So, you know, your partner sends you a letter in the mail or sends you really thoughtful texts. You really appreciate the words. Okay, so let's talk about sex acts with this one. You like when your partner says what they like about you when you're having sex. You probably really like talking dirty because you feel connected. You like talking about your sex life and sharing fantasies together. Again, if you want to brush up on your dirty talk, we did do a great episode called Talk Dirty to Me with Joanna Angel. So, check out that one. But, you know, think about it. You want words during sex. Maybe you just want to hear your partner during sex. And some more romantic acts and date night. X, so, you know, you probably just like it when you're out and your partner is telling you when you got dressed for a date, like how you look and they're very specific, or you got a promotion at work and they were telling you all the ways they were proud of you. So that could just be, you know, the point of romance, that could just be where you feel the most connected to your partner. And when you don't hear the words, you feel less connected and less loved. All right, I hope that one of these resonates with you the most, and that's your love language. So to repeat them all again, just so you remember, acts of service, gift giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. Again, you can also take the quiz in the show notes, and I want you to remember that we often give what we want to receive. So I might be using words all day with my partner saying how great they are, how handsome they are, how proud I am of them, 'cause if that's my love language, words of affirmation, but theirs is gifts. And I went on vacation and didn't bring 'em a gift. Their birthday present was late. You know, they're gonna be pissed. They're gonna feel less loved. So I want you to remember that we don't often give it the way we receive it. Now, it's wonderful if you guys share the same love language, or at least one of your love languages is the same. Because usually we have two that are our primary, that's fabulous. But if not, use this as a workaround. Use this as a way to really understand your partner differently and start to fill up their love tank using some of these, some of these tips in here. Don't go anywhere. After the break, I'm answering all your questions about the love languages.

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TaxAct. Let's get them over with. All right. Here's some of your Instagram questions about the love languages. Somebody asked, how can you learn your partner's love language and teach them about yours? Well, really, you should both listen to the show together, take the quiz, and also you can kind of figure it out. You know, I know since I know these so well, I'll someone I know or even friends of mine, I can totally figure out their love language. My friends who give me like the most elaborate gifts, I can tell too. Like if someone always gives you the best gifts or they always show up at your house with a gift, maybe their love language is gifts. Or if there's somebody who just is giving you compliments or they're, you know, using words all the time, maybe it's words of affirmation. So you can kind of tell in this way and then think about the things that they value in their life. Another question from Instagram: How can you relate and compromise when your partner and you have very different love languages? Okay, so this is really common. Okay, so I've given you some examples about, you know, my friend whose wife is hugging, and so he has to remember, I'm gonna set my alarm, I'm gonna make sure that I hug her, and then eventually becomes more of a habit. And I have another friend who said, gosh, you know, my partner's love language is acts of service, but I'm so busy with work, I have no time to do acts of service. I said, well, why don't you plan it ahead? Why don't you look at your calendar on Sunday and say, what 2 things can I do for my partner in the acts of service category this week? For example, if your partner is always making dinner every night, then Thursday night you're bringing dinner and Tuesday you're gonna get the house cleaned. You know, think about what your partner's needs are and you can even ask 'em and make sure that you have 2 plans. So I asked, I said, I said to my friend, schedule it ahead of time. And he did. And it was, she was so happy that he remembered to, do these things that really made a difference in her day. Maybe it's taking the kids, you know, when your partner's always with the kids during the day, and then you say, I'm gonna take the kids on Saturday. Those are examples. So just because you have different love languages, it doesn't mean that your relationship is going to fail. So actually knowing their love language empowers you to show them how much you care in a way that they can truly take it in. So if their love language is words of affirmation, you know, telling them how you feel about them and all the things you like about them is really gonna make an impact. And I always say communication is lubrication, and the love languages are the key to actually communicating your love in a way that you know your partner's going to receive it. Another Instagrammer asked, can you have all 5? And so yes, you can. Well, it's easy to recognize, you know, all the examples of of 5, we all want all of them. Like if I had a partner who never got me gifts and missed my birthday, I would be like, how do you not get me a birthday present? But I don't place as much value on it. I probably wouldn't notice for a while if they never got me a gift, 'cause it's really not my love language. I have to say that if you take this quiz, you're gonna realize that there's one, even if it's one, that deep, deep down really works for you. And again, you might have a secondary one. When I took it again after many years, I realized that I still had touch, but it was also quality time. And then the other 3 were all tied because it gives you percentages. And so I just— usually there's 1 or 2 that are going to be at the top, and it's important to pay attention to them. But maybe you'll take the quiz and all 5 will be even, you know, great. But typically there's 1 that is the front runner. Someone else asked, is it just pop psychology or is it legitimate? Listen, I mean, I know that this works. It works with employees. Like, I know my staff who needs to hear the words from me that they're doing a good job, or I appreciate the work they've done. And I know which employees are important to— which people on my team really value gifts. And so I make sure that I'm getting them something for their birthday that they appreciate. So it doesn't— it's not just in love. It's for the people that you love and care about in your life. So, um, I think that it's a great framework to think about how you show your love and how you receive love from your partner. So if it resonates with you, great. If it still feels like pop psychology, move on to something else. Another question: are you more compatible with someone based on the love languages? I have to say It's easiest if you both share the same love languages, I have to say. But any, you know, a lot of you might be in relationships now and you're just taking this quiz and realizing we don't share the same love language. That's why we're doing the show, cuz there's definitely workarounds. As long as you're both willing to figure out how to speak your partner's love language, I think you're gonna be fine. Do you have different styles when giving versus receiving love? Well, according to Dr. Chapman, your love language is the one you give and receive with, which makes sense. So if you interpret love a certain way, you're gonna naturally be good at giving love that way. So like I said, mine is touch. I love touch. I love touching. I touch people, not inappropriately, but, you know, I give hugs or I, you know, just put the hand on my friend's shoulder and that's just, yeah, I'm gonna give it because that's how I like to receive it and it's the most familiar to me. So usually it's the same. And that's why if our partner's not the same, we keep giving what we want and they're not giving it back. It's just simply not part of their conditioning. So what do you do when your love language changes years after being in a relationship? Well, that's a perfect time to have a healthy conversation with your partner. Take the quiz again. What a fun date night activity, right? To sit and say, hey, let's take the love language again and then let them know. We like to mix things up in relationships anyway. Why not? Another question. My wife and I have the opposite. I'm physical touch and words of affirmation. She's quality time and acts of service. How do we give each other the best of both worlds? Well, first focus on your primary love languages. So once you get a hang of each of the primary one, then you can move on to the second one. And I have to say there are more challenges here. So if yours is physical touch and hers is quality time, you could kill two birds with one stone and do like a really long cuddle massage and just a little bit more, you know, session that lasts a little bit longer. I mean, you can get creative with it, right? These are ways to have fun. So if yours is quality time and your partner's gifts, maybe you plan an afternoon where you take your partner shopping for a gift. Or maybe you get them a gift certificate to something that you both can do together. Maybe they've been wanting to learn to cook and you get them a cooking class, right? So this just means that you gotta think differently about it and get specific in how you're spending time together. So don't worry about that. Are any of them unhealthy? They're not. I have to say that none of these are unhealthy. You know, they're not unhealthy like a codependent relationship or abusive behavior, because those all stem from insecurities and unresolved personal issues, childhood issues, not from your love language. Someone else asked, what are ways to prioritize loving in an opposite manner than what comes naturally? Well, like I said, set reminders on your phone, check in with your partner often. Hey, have you noticed I've been spending a lot of time, you know, trying to do some acts of service. Does it feel good to you? Is there other things that you want? And what I love about this is that when you know, you start to look at your partner because you know your partner, right? What are they like? Like, where could I help them right now in their life if it's acts of service? Or where could I work out, work in more times to be touching? You know, maybe when you're watching TV together, maybe you're often sitting on opposite sides of the room, or you're on a couch and she's on a chair. Maybe you say, hey, come sit next to me on the couch because you're watching TV and you get to touch. So, um, that's, you know, checking in and communicating about it. Someone else asked, how can you honor them in a long-distance relationship? You know, obviously physical touch is— this is a hard one. Physical touch is going to be difficult if, you know, you just might need to visit your partner more often. But some do translate really well, like giving gifts and words of affirmation and even quality time. You know, maybe you don't see them that often, but when you do, it's really for a week at a time or 2 weeks at a time or You know, you, you do a lot of Zoom calls where you get to see each other and they're very specific times where you are just spending time together. So that could really help with quality time. How do you know your love languages if you've never been in a loving relationship? Well, like I said, look at your non-romantic relationships. You know, how do you receive, feel the most love from your family and your friends? The love languages applies in every relationship, romantic or otherwise. And I also asked my team, I said, what do you guys, what are your— I wanna do a whole show on love languages because I think it's so useful and so helpful. And they asked some questions. Okay. Someone on my team asked, how can I find out someone's love language without flat out asking them? Hmm. Well, think about it. If somebody's, you notice they're always doing favors for you, or they're always, you know, doing essentially acts of service. I mean, that's a specific personality type. Somebody who's just constantly going out of their way and doing things, you might notice that they're— it's quality time. Or if they're always telling you, giving you compliments, or complimenting others around them, it might be words. So I actually think that once you truly understand the love languages, you'll be able to spot it in the person's behavior. You'll just start to recognize it. I'm usually pretty right when I guess. If I know someone pretty well, I'm like, I bet you it's this. Usually I get 1 out of 2. And someone else on my team asked, how can I use my and my partner's love languages for good summer date ideas? That's a good question. Well, I don't know what your love languages are, but I think any combination of these is, you know, quality time would be like a road trip for sure. Like spending time, just the 2 of you in a car going on vacation together. Having a picnic. What I do is I keep notes in my phone and I just write notes about people that I love, things that they've done, things I appreciate about them. And then I just know when it comes time to write them a card or write them a text, I just remember when I was spending time with them, what I felt or what came up. I just take notes when I'm out and that, that helps me to do that. Just pay attention. I think a lot of this is just really paying attention to your partner. And paying attention to yourself and your dynamic and just trying it out. You can even do this without letting your partner know you're doing it and see how they respond. How can I integrate the love languages during sex? Well, we gave some examples. I gave some examples earlier, but it really does translate well into sex because quality time would be longer sex acts or maybe ones without distractions and it's not rushed. Gifts could be gifting your partner with some really great toys or just surprise oral sex. And words of affirmation is you're telling your partner what you love about their body when you're having sex, or dirty talk. Acts of service, making sure they have an orgasm, really giving them pleasure. If they look uncomfortable in a certain position, "Are you comfortable?" Like, just checking in with them. If they've ever said they wanted something during sex and you remember to show up with it or to do that act or to do that thing, that would really translate well. But I think I've given examples throughout here. All right, guys. So I hope this really helps you sort of in the next, go to the next level in your relationships, all the relationships in your life. If you use these love languages as another tool in your toolkit to help you enhance the relationships that you have and feel more love and receive more love and give more love. I mean, this is all in the place of of helping you all. The thing about the love languages, when you really ground in them, you can just really make sure that you're communicating with your partner in a healthy way. You know, a lot of times things get lost in translation if we are not communicating the same languages, or you feel like your partner's not fulfilling yours. So this is really just another way to get unstuck and to help spread more love. That's what I'm all about, love and pleasure. After this quick word from our sponsors, I'm answering an email about what to do if you accidentally tell your boyfriend his penis is smaller than you expected. Ouch. Oh, okay. First email. This is from Kylie, 26, in Raleigh, North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily Morse, I love your podcast and it's helped me with my sex education greatly, so thank you. I found myself in a bit of a predicament that I thought you could help me through. My boyfriend and I have been dating for half a year, but we were best friends for years before. I think I'm too comfortable being a bro to him and I forget to be sensitive with some topics when we're drinking. The other night, somehow while I was drunk, I mentioned that his penis was smaller than I thought it would be. I reassured him that it wasn't a bad thing though, because I've had one bigger that was uncomfortable for me. At the moment, he joked with me and thought it was fine. However, last night he told me that it really hurt him to hear that from me, and I'm not sure what to do to fix his ego. I reassured him the sex is good for me and that I wouldn't want it to be bigger because it wasn't pleasurable in the past. Do you have any advice? Yes, I do. All right, Kylie, listen, let me tell you this, Kylie. You did not mean to shame him. You didn't mean to hurt him. But here's the thing. He's probably not gonna ever forget that you said that. Not because his penis is small. There's nothing wrong with it. But we just sometimes need to hear one person criticizing us or saying something about our body parts, and we will always remember. Okay, let's talk about penises. I've ever met. Every man I feel that I've known is insecure about the size of their penis, wishing it was longer or wider or girthier. And I think you're more obsessed with your penises than anyone else is. The other thing is men are taught their entire life that their worth and their power and their prowess stems from the size of their sexual organs. And it just doesn't matter, right? We don't care, especially vulva owners. I know we've talked about this so many times in the show that you're way more obsessed with your penis than we are. So let me just clear that out. And I just think we have to stop all the shaming of body parts. But you weren't trying to do that, Carly. You were just joking around with him. So I think all you can do is reinforce to him all the ways he's a great lover to you, because it's not about the size of the ship, it's about the motion of the ocean. And what that saying means is that, is he a good lover to you? How does he make you orgasm? How does he make you feel pleasure? Is he a great kisser? Do you love the way he goes down on you? Is he really just, you know, all the ways that he's a great lover lover to you, the more that you could reinforce that with him and let him know and feel good about your connection, the better it will be. Now, I don't think you can erase that comment because you really weren't saying, you know, I don't like your penis, or I wish it was bigger. But again, since, you know, so many penis owners base their value and self-worth on the penis, this might take a little bit of work from you. But, you know, especially if his love language is words of affirmation, you're gonna be in a great spot here because you can just keep telling him all the ways he's a great lover. You don't have to keep apologizing surprising, but you can replace that, that comment with other ways you appreciate and love him. All right, thanks for the email. This is from Chris, 32, in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, the question is simple. Should I leave my girlfriend of 2 years? We're both in our early 30s, and when we started dating, I was physically attracted to her, not as much as I've been with partners in the past. I was really into her personality and how cool and down-to-earth she was, and we get along great. And we never fight really. We have occasional disagreements with, you know, very calm discourse and eventually the issues are resolved. However, as time has passed, my physical attraction has withered and currently we have sex once a week. The problem is I know she wants more, yet I have trouble initiating sex. She's a bit timid with initiation herself, which isn't a turn-on. Maybe I should talk to her about that. I've always been more attracted to her personality, but I'm worried that I'm doing more harm than good by staying in a low-sex relationship and disappointing her. She deserves better. I wish I could just flip a switch and be more attracted. Also, I'm a Sag and she's a Cancer. I'm fire, she's water. We couldn't be more different sometimes, and this plays a part. One last thing, she doesn't want kids and I think I do in the future. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. I feel like I'm in my own head and any insight would be huge. All right, Chris. So here's what I have to say about this. First off, you're super thoughtful. And it seems like you really, really care about your girlfriend and the relationship. And so my recommendation for you is that you've been together for 2 years, but you've also spent a lot of time in your head. It sounds like you've created a story about the relationship. You know, you're not as attracted to her as you have been with women in the past. You want kids and she doesn't. And on top of that, your astrological signs are different. What are you going to do? So to me, it sounds like you already have one foot out the door. But I think it's less about these compatibility things and it's more about the ability to communicate in a relationship with someone that you've been with for 2 years. And I don't know if she's the one. I don't know if you should stay together, you should go. But what I can tell you is that these patterns tend to repeat in future relationships. You know, you might find yourself not attracted to the next partner for different reasons, or maybe your next partner will initiate sex all the time and it's too much and that's a problem. But the real issue here is that it's about communication. And so, you know, you said she's timid about communicating, but you said that she's timid about initiating sex. But I'm going to say you're a little bit timid about communicating. It is not easy to have difficult conversations with our partners, especially when it comes to sex. And the relationship. So just saying, hey, let's check in. It's been 2 years we've been together and, you know, I know we've got the kids issue that we're gonna figure out and, you know, I feel like I'm initiating sex a lot and I'd love to see if you can initiate and what you're into sexually. I mean, have you ever talked about your fantasies together? Have you downloaded our yes, no, maybe list or have you explored with her? So All I'm saying is that even if you don't know if you should stay or you should go, it's a great time to practice effective communication with this partner. Because whether either you'll decide that you're gonna stay with her and she's supposed to be your partner for life, or you'll decide that it doesn't work, but you'll have practiced using the most important skill I believe that we need in a relationship. And that's the ability to communicate and to listen and to reflect back on what our partner says. And that's the stuff that really matters. And these are the kind of skill set that's going to help you build healthy relationships, either with your current girlfriend or with someone in the future. All right, Chris, let me know how it goes. All right, everyone, I love hearing from you. Thanks so much for your emails and thanks so much for your questions. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts. And share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We release 2 to 3 episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all @sexwithemily. If you wanna ask me a question about sex, dating, or relationships, you can email me feedback@sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com/askemily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there, Helping you better sex, and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com/guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails, 'cause hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.