#SexGoals 2018

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day. Hey, Emily.

Hey.

You got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the Kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com cause it's a good time there. All of our podcasts are there. We're always adding new blogs on all things sex, relationship, intimacy, dating. If you have a question about it, you've thought about it, I'm sure. There is a blog about it on our website and you should also follow us on social media because that is a good time. It's exwithemily, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter. Check it all out. Happy holidays everyone. It's almost Hope you all had a great holiday. It's almost the new year. I am here with my deputy Jamie. Hello. My deputy of hipness, coolness, sex goddess Jamie.

I just like being a deputy.

She just wants me deputy.

I do.

She's everything. She does a lot here. Jamie's been here for three years. Two. Two years feels like sex.

Two years and some change.

I love Jamie. Jamie's been on the show with me a bunch. She's responsible for a lot of the amazing content you see everywhere. That's Sex with Emily. So, Jamie, thank you for all your, your hard work and efforts. She's blossomed before my eyes. She's been here for two years and she's. She started as a little intern. She was so cute. Now she's all grown up, taking over things. So, Jamie, I'm glad you're here with me today because it's coming towards the end of the year and it's. It's been a big year for, I think, for everybody. Yeah. And specifically for sex and relationships. And I thought we could kind of do an end of year roundup real quick and then answer some emails, help the people here. Oh, yeah. I'm totally talk about some resolutions going forward because it's. I don't know, I mean, I'm not like a, A lot of people. The holidays are interesting time. I think there's a lot of people who get more, you know, emotional or sad over the holidays. It can be, you know, hard being away with family and all that stuff. I don't really have that as much as I do. The end of year makes me just. I really do make an effort to think about.

And hopefully not too much of a heavy weight. It's not that. It's. It's. I really do make an effort to kind of look at the last year and take inventory of like what, what happened this year because a Lot of times we're all going so fast. Especially you see me. Oh, yeah, it's fast. There's a lot.

And I'm moving constantly.

I even come in the office and move. I'm like, I'll be at this desk. I'm gonna go to this desk. But life is fast. And I was like, so I'd like to reflect and think, like, well, what happened this year? What were, you know, some good things that happened that I'm really proud of. And that makes me, you know, who did I meet? Who came into my life personally and professionally? What goals have I met? What did I. What have I moved through? You know, it's. It's just sometimes you can just think about things that aren't so great in your life. It's really easy to go into that zone of like, what's wrong? What's wrong? I think we, a lot of us do that. But when you have a whole year to look back, you can go, okay, you. You know, and hopefully you're always kind to yourself and say, I did the best I could with what was going on in my life. So I try to do that. And I think, okay, but in a year from now or in the next year, what are the things that would be great to see in place, you know, personally, professionally, spiritually, health wise, you know, And I kind of do this inventory and I like, write a bunch of stuff on the wall. Like, I like to do like those big stickies. And so anyway, as I was thinking about it, I think a lot of our listeners are probably thinking about that as well. Like what? You know, I hope you are, and I hope. And I'd like to kind of plant the seed nugget in your brain, if you will. Yes, the sex nugget. Did I say seed nugget?

Seed nugget. Sex nugget.

I want to plant the. I'd like to plant the sex nugget in your brain. Thinking about when you're thinking about all those things, like maybe you people, like, join a gym in January, they want to quit smoking. But I think it's important to think about. Of course, sex. Always prioritize it. But this would be a great time to think. Do I want to be having what kind of sex? Are there fantasies I haven't filled yet? If you're in a relationship, how could you straighten that bond, the intimacy? If you're dating, how could you have better sex? Like what? While dating, which I know is a challenge. We're going to get into that in a minute, so let's let's talk about some of these things. We could. Yeah.

And I think, I think you're right though, is that a lot of people, especially people that get into relationships, but. Or even if you're single, they don't really think about ways to improve their sex life. They just treat each new partner, each new thing. Like, if you're single, they treat each new partner as like a new thing. And they don't really think about, like, well, what could I do to make this. Make sure that this is good sex or better sex. And then people in relationships just fall into a routine and they know that they're gonna have sex. But then that's why things start to get stale, because you. You gotta change things up. You gotta really think about it. What made your best sex moments the best? Oh, it made your bad sex moments bad. Like, think about why these things made you feel this way.

Exactly. Like, I love that. I mean, so we were thinking that.

Right?

Wrong. We're both coughing.

I know, but I was gonna say the bad. Yeah.

What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, it was that a good bit bad into the good thing. Hold on. Well, I was gonna say, wait, so, right. Like, what. What was the bad and what was the good? Or what was the most pleasing sex and not pleasing sex? It's funny because I was thinking about the shows we did with the guys, the Guys Talk Sex show, which is so fun. And I remember asking those guys, and I was like, well, what was the best sex you ever had? I love ask.

In fact, that was one of the first questions I used to ask people when I started the show because I was always like, what does great sex mean to you? I mean, I really was like, when you say you had the best sex, tell me what that means. I was always like, break it down. You know, and so asking though it was interesting that those guys were like, you know, the similar thread to all of it was, it was sort of unknown, it wasn't planned, it was spontaneous. It was fairly new partners, alcohol involved. It's kind of spontaneous sex. And I thought it's interesting because a lot of what we talk about is keeping sex great in a relationship is got to bring that spontaneity back and that newness. And so I thought that was interesting, though. But I also think it changes over time. So the guys are in their twenties. I wonder if they have the same answer ten years from now. And so when I think about it, like, some memorable sex, you know, might not be the kind of sex that I would want to have. Now, for example, what would be great sex to me? So a good question to ask yourself is, what was the best sex I had this year?

And what would I want to see happen, you know, in the future? What was the worst sex? So I was thinking about. We could highlight, perhaps our. I'd like to. Should we get into that now?

Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I think it's. I. I agree. I think it's like, people tend to think of the best sex they ever had, but they don't think of this year. Like, think about the year, just the year. Because my best sex ever did not happen this year, but from this year, I can pull out the best sex of this time. If you focus on stuff like seven years ago, that was the best sex. You might even try to reenact that. But it might not even be the best for you anymore because it was seven years ago. But if you think about something in a year, it kind of makes it a little more. More tangible.

Right? It's a little more anecdotal, maybe. When you look back on stories, like, from years ago, you're like, oh, it was really fun. It was crazy. We were at this, you know, rooftop party. We had sex outside, or whatever your great sex was. And as you know, being a sex and relationship expert, I think people assume I always have amazing sex. And I'm going to come clean here and tell you that I don't always have amazing sex. I do my best to make it better. But if I think about my high and low. This year, we're talking about this year. I did. I had some sex that was just not great. And then I had some amazing sex.

So what was your best sex?

Should we start? The best.

Let's start with the best and then we'll contrast it.

My best sex this year, a really memorable sex. Oh, it kind of had all the elements we're talking about. My best sex was at Wanderlust. You have to come next year. Wanderlust was that really cool festival I did in Tahoe this summer. And I talked for two days about sex. And it's like a huge yoga festival. And they do it in, like, a bunch of different exotic cities. And it's just a lot of people running around, like, scantily clad, doing yoga. And, like, a lot of healthy, happy people, obviously they're doing yoga all day. And I actually did the one sex track. So I did two days of sex. And it was really. It was intense. Like, you were not there, unfortunately. We had Lark there and we had Ken that came in From Jersey, part of our team, Lark producer Lark. And then my friend Heather, who does some work with us, was there. We rented a house, and I was preparing to speak, and it was a lot of work. Cause, of course, I changed my mind last minute. We were rewriting it. It was amazing. I loved it. In fact, their talks are gonna be on the Wanderlust podcast, and we'll promote it in a few months. So it was a grueling week. It was a lot of togetherness with the team. We all bonded. It was great, but also intense. And it was five days where I thought I would have time to do yoga and go hiking and do all the beautiful things you do in Tahoe set at the foot of this amazing mo. But there was a lot of work. So it went until Sunday. We were there, like, Wednesday till Sunday. I gave my last talk Sunday at about 2. It was over at 3. And the one thing besides yoga, all the classes were done, but the one thing I wanted to do the whole time was to take the tram to the top of the mountain. And there was a pool party that was going on the whole time. Oh, my gosh, right? Everyone's like, oh, my God. Have you been to the pool party? I'm like, I have no time to party. So I looked at Lark. I was like, you know what? We have an hour left till we have to leave and go to our. Our flight. It's open for another hour. I think the pool party went till 4, and it was like, 3. I'm like, let's just go for an hour, check out the top of the mountain, have a drink. We've been working our ass off. So we get to the top of the mountain. It's beautiful. Going up, up, up. Have you ever been tile over the mountain in the summer? It's so beautiful. The gondola is a gondola or tram? It's both. Tram. Gondola. It's tram. It's tram. Tram, gondola. So you Tahoe, you go up. It's beautiful. You've been to ski resorts in the.

Yeah, I mean, I've been to.

Like, I'm wildly gesticulating at you right now. Okay, so. So I went up the mountain, and we get there, and it's like, oh, it's so beautiful. And the air was perfect. We walk over to the bar, and they're like, nope, sorry, we're shutting down. Party's ending. And I was like, but you don't understand. Like, we. We just got to the top of the mountain, and there were still People, like, scantily clad in the pool and like, music. He's like, nope. And I was like, you know me. I was like, come on, like, anything. Like, I'll pay you. I've got like a. Like a dildo. I'm like, I'll give you a vibrator. He's like, nope, no more beer. I'm like, oh, my God. Okay, okay, that's fine. And so I sat down with Lark and. And we're just looking and we'. And we're like, oh, it's fine. And then I was like, well, I should get a picture. Because we hadn't taken many pictures and it was a beautiful view. And Lark's like, well, you should just go over there. And she was exhausted. She'd been on her feet all day. She's like, just walk over there and, like, take a picture from that cliff. So I walk over to this cliff and of course I'm wearing like 2 inch heels or 3 inch heels. And I'm like, trying to get over these rocks to take this beautiful, like, outlook picture and as overview picture of the. Of the entire city. And I walk over and this guy comes up to me, puts his hair. He's like, hi. He's like, can I help you? Where you going? And I said, he had like a beer in his hand. And I said, I give me your beer. I didn't say that, but I thought that. And he's like, let me help you. I said, I gotta take a really great shot from here because I have no shot since I've been here. And he's like, let me help you. And he, like, put his hand and he guided me and he took a bunch of pictures and. And he was just like, I liked him and he was cute and he was like, what are you doing? I said, I've been working the whole time and I just need a really good picture from here. And I'm leaving in an hour. And he's like. He's like, don't leave. I'm with my buddy and we. We've got like a party to go to and it's been really fun and he was really cute. Like, I'm thinking, how am I meeting someone? Like, it literally, I. I think I had walked away from Lark maybe 15 seconds ago by. And this guy comes out to me. I walk back to see Larkin. It turns out our flight ends up being canceled. We go and get, you know, dinner and drinks with him, and he's got a really cool friend and we're all hanging out and it Just, like, all fell into place. He was. He was really kind. He was really attentive. He was just, like, interesting and interested, and he's very attractive. And we ended up getting a room, all shared a room. And he was two of my favorite things. He's a trained massage therapist.

And.

You and the massage therapy dude.

You're right, you're right. That's my second. You know what? Data massage therapist. But that's not what is his main thing. He did it on the side and he meditates. But he was. He meditates. He's like a healer, all of those things. Not a hippie, though. And he was so great and everything I told him, I was like, I like when you touch my shoulder. And then he kept touching it, or I like when. And I was just very able to be. To communicate with him. And I felt like he understood what my body needed and I understood what he needed. Without being able to speak, I instantly felt safe with him and connected in a way that is. Is difficult to explain. Only when you look at again, it's like the bad sex of the year, and you're like, oh, I get it, I get it. When you're not really connecting, someone's not listening to you, and you're not jiving. So we, like, had a good energy. We still text, he's not my future, whatever. But it was like this moment of, like. And it had those elements, like, we talked about with the guys. It was spontaneous. Didn't know it was gonna happen. Didn't know he was kind of a stranger, but felt instantly safe and was like, I had amazing hands.

And that doesn't happen all the time.

No, I mean, everything was comfortable. We showered together. It was a really fun, unexpected evening. So that was my best sex.

Oh, I like that.

That's a good one. Aww. Yeah.

I go to wanderlust. Hopefully we'll run into it.

You'll come next year. Okay, so, James, let's. So here's how we can kind of learn maybe best and worst. So I would have to say that was my most memorable sex of the year. So if anyone I've slept with this year is listening, you're great too, babe. I can only name one, but I would say the one that I wasn't a huge fan of was a guy that I had gone out with him a few times, met him through a friend in his 40s, been married before, and it was the. We got out several times, and it was the classic. We went back to my house after a few dates. We had made out in the car. It was kind of hot. Walk into my house, and he had this expectation that he was just gonna, like, start with my pants, take him off, and we were gonna have sex. Like, it was really, like, no. No attention to the breasts. Not even much time kissing. And he wasn't in a rush. It wasn't like he had to go anywhere. It was a Saturday night, and in my brain, I'm going, how does he not, you know, the foreplay, the slowdown, the kissing. It occurred to me that this isn't the first guy I've been with, no matter what age, but several in their 30s, 40s, that just really don't get it.

They don't get it.

They don't get it. They don't understand the foreplay. They don't slow down. So I tried. And the moment I stopped, I said, you know what would make me feel more comfortable right now? Just so you know, Because I stopped it. And he's like, well, what? I said, well, I just feel like we were connecting, and we've had a great date and a great few times spending with each other. We've gone out a few times. It's been really fun, and it's funny, and I love making out with you. And now here we are, and I feel like you've skipped a beat here, and it would feel really good just to kind of make out and connect more. And it kind of like.

Like went over his head or something.

Yeah, he was like, oh, yeah, I know. I just find you attractive. And it wasn't just the sex. It was a few other things at night that made me realize he also had me watch, like, his host reel from 20 years ago and, like, talked about himself the whole time. So there was a few narcissistic traits in there. So there's someone who's actually paying attention and listening. It's not like the other guy was a master massage. Guy was a masterful lover. He's not a masseuse for a living. Like, the other guy, the guy from Mexico. So he doesn't know, but you know what I mean? It's really showed me that, like, it's really a matter of paying attention, listening, and being okay, that you don't, as a man or woman, that you don't really know everything. And with each partner, it's a new opportunity to learn.

Can I comment on that? Please comment. How you said for the guy with the bad sex, where he was like, I'm sorry, I get it, but I'm just so attracted to you. It's like, okay, like, while I'm happy that you're attracted to me, and I always love it when I know that a guy is super into me at the same time when he says something like that, all it means to me is like, so you just were worried though, about you getting off. Like, you're not worried about whether or not what you're doing is gonna get me off because you're just like, oh, I'm just so attracted to you. I just need to get it in right now. It's like they kind of see it as a compliment, but it's not really a compliment. And it's not him being rude, it's just him being kind of like he just doesn't know.

Right. That's what's so alarming to me and why I'm more passionate than ever about this. You know, I think a lot of us men and women, we did not really learn at all about how to have sex. So you're absolutely right that there's men, they say things to us like, oh, I've got blue balls. Or, you know, or they put your hand on their penis to show you that it's hard. And we already know it. We're making out. Your penis is probably hard. You don't need to show me those things that guys do that they think is going to be a turn on to us, actually isn't and has nothing to do with us. And I'm going to say men and women get aroused differently. So I will say men. The more that men focus on pleasing their partner. And by that I don't mean, like going down on them necessarily. I mean, like, what does she need in that moment? How is she reacting? Does she. Is she cold? Does she want to kiss? I mean, you can tell or ask, like, if you are attentive, you're not gonna seem like a wuss. You're gonna seem like a man who knows how to like, react to a partner. And then that comes back to you. Like, once a woman like, likes you, feels safe, feels like you have her best intentions, you know, it just. It just kind of works. But I think that guys have that mentality by saying these things that like, But I'm so turned on, so you should just have sex with me right now when you are feeling nothing. I'm like, I didn't even know. I forgot you were here, dude.

No, exactly. And that's why, that's just why it's interesting to me. Because, I mean, I've been in situations where I'm like, Can we, like, slow down a little bit? Or. I've even had a guy like, you know, like, you know, we're having sex, and I'm, like, trying. I'm on top, and I'm trying to move a certain way, and he keeps trying to move me differently. And I'm like. I had to say. I was like, hey. I was like, can we kind of, like, switch? Slow down for a second. Because I realized that this may not be getting you off, but I need more attention to my genital areas.

Do you say that?

I didn't say it exactly.

Like, general areas.

I said. I was just like, hey. I was like, hold on, let's slow down. And I had to, like, keep guiding him because I was like, hey, man. Like, in my head, I was like, you're gonna get off in probably a few minutes, so let me do what I need to do, and then we can do whatever the you want, right? I didn't say it. That's why I said I thought that part. I was very nice in the actual talking.

Of course you were.

I am not.

Of course you are.

I'm only sarcastic. I'm not very. I'm not mean to people.

Right. So, yeah, we're gonna be talking more about this in the new year. Men and women, women and men, women, women, men, men, all of us, we all need a little bit of help understanding each other, so we're gonna do that. And speaking of sex, which we always do. Sex in the news. Yay.

My favorite part.

Here's how long sexual afterglow actually lasts, according to science. I love when it's science. You're like, science says so. We all know that sex is really good for you and can basically double as medicine. And it can also help you sleep better. It relieves stress, keeps your mental health in check. So it's no surprise that an activity is healthy and fun, as sex leaves you feeling happy and serene in something commonly known as the sexual afterglow. Turns out that splendid post coital glow is actually all emotional and comes from the happiness you feel, courtesy of the love hormone oxytocin. We talk about oxytocin a lot. The caudal hormone, the orgasm hormone. It's that connected hormone that we feel after we have sex, especially with a partner. So in this study, they research couples having sex and how satisfied they were in their relationship. So the couples reported increased sexual satisfaction on the days they fooled around. But most importantly, they discovered they had higher feelings of intimacy and happiness, AKA the afterglow that lasted. Get this for Two days after sex, after rolling the hay, it says. Not that I would say roll in the hay, but the study says roll the hay. So that means it lasts for two, two days after. That's how long when couples have sex and they connect.

That's great.

It is great. It's better than like, what other drug. Nothing lasts two days. What drug lasts two days?

I mean, hopefully. I mean, well, not that I'm advocating drug use, but, you know, but if your drug is lasting longer than two days, then there's something probably going very wrong in your body.

But this is right.

But this is great because this is natural. Natural drugs are great. Natural hormones are great for you. I think it's great too, because it kind of works with both sides for the people that have lower libidos in the relationship and for the people that have higher libidos in the relationship. Because people with lower libidos can say, hey, we don't have to have sex every day because the satisfaction, you know, at least every two days, you know, or at least every few days. It doesn't have to be like that either. It can just be once a week, but you know what I mean? So it works them and then it helps the people with the higher libidos to get the people. It's like, you know, we'll be actually closer if we have sex more than once a month.

Exactly. That's the thing. The couples who say, like, oh, we don't need it that much. It is the connective tissue, it is the glue that is keeping your relationship together from, from just being roommates and not being connected. I think that couples who don't have as much sex, they. They forget that it actually feels good. And the more you start doing it, they're going to want to have it again. So these couples, you know, they keep it. It's a good reason to keep it going. And I feel like from so many people we hear from and a lot of close personal friends where I have to know they're like play by play in their relationship for the last 15, 10 years, all my friends who are in healthy relationships, even though there's a lot of times they hate their partners, you know how they say they, I hate them, they love them and it's when they have sex and they connect again, it brings you back. So after glow, I'm all about the afterglow. Yeah.

I do want to say, I think my favorite part of this tell me study is that during the 48 hours, like your. The sperm is at a lower quality and Also, the sperm can only survive for two days within the female reproductive tract. So it's kind of interesting because it's like that two day period just kind of like, okay, like this is my person.

Kind of keeps them, it keeps them connected and bonded.

Exactly. Waiting until like. Because you know, if you go back to like mating, you know, right. Having sex for reproductions purposes, it's like okay, like you're not going to look for another mate for another couple days because the sperm may be inside you and.

Exactly.

It's not ready. I just think that that was really.

No, it's really true. It's all about like biology and how he mate. God, I love a good sex study here, Jamie. So if there's any incentive you guys like, I'm too busy, ate too much, I'm too full because holidays are too crazy. You should still have sex. You always feel better. Just like the gym. I always say it. I don't think I've said that in a very long time. You never regret going to the gym and you don't regret having consensual sex with someone you love. I don't think you're ever gonna be like, huh, right. So do that. Have some afterglow. Tis the season.

Glow it up.

Thanks everyone for supporting our sponsors. We're gonna take a quick break and we are going to answer all of your burning, not medically burning I hope, but your sex, relationship, love questions. Right James?

Of course. It's what, what you do best.

That's what we do. We are back.

We're on to emails. If you have a question you want me to answer, you should text me. It's so easy. Text Ask Emily one word to 797-979 or you can submit a question from sexwithemily.com the website via the Ask Emily tab and include your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen. You ready, Jamie?

Yes.

Okay. This is from Karen. She's 28 in California. Hi Emily. Your show has changed my life. I went from a very shy religious girl to a woman learning to embrace my sexuality. I married an older woman when I was very young at 22 and she was 36. We've been married three years now, together six. We recently made a major move away from friends and family and started new jobs. At my new job, I've become insanely attracted to a man. I've always considered myself bisexual but labeled myself as a lesbian. To make things easier, my wife and I have had a terrible non existent sex life the last few years. And this Guy makes me feel brave and sexually alive. I'm scared to leave my boring sex life with someone I truly care for just because there's someone new and exciting. I'm nervous that this is just me rebounding and looking for attention. This man is my first male sexual experience. I'm very confused. Do you think I should embrace this attraction to men or try and save my marriage? Thank you and love you, Emily. That is from Karen. Let's unpack this email here for Karen. So I understand that you guys have been together a while and that you know, this is what happens in long term relationships. Whether you're gay, straight sex life is going to wane. So that, that's, that's going to happen. If you guys, you know, I don't know why, it's terrible. Non existent. If you guys haven't talked about it, you know, I'm gonna say you guys have to talk about it. I also see that you said here that you moved away from friends and family, so perhaps you're a little bit lonely and you're feeling like, you know, you're in a new place and this guy's making you feel kind of, you know, new feelings that you haven't felt in a while. And so there's a lot of different things going on here. I don't think it, it matters, you know, gay or straight. I feel like your first responsibility is to the woman that you're married to. And so the first thing you have to do is look to repair your relationship and where you guys are at yet. And I'm wondering if you actually have talked to her about the fact that you're dissatisfied or asked why she's not interested in sex. Because sex isn't going to fix itself. Take separate.

It's not. And like the thing is too that you think that this person is okay with the state of your sex life. But if you've never talked about it, maybe they have some, you know, she on her own is not satisfied and there's reasons why she doesn't want to have sex. But you have to really like talk about it and unlock that together. I also think it's interesting that she labeled herself as a lesbian instead of bisexual to make it easier. And I just, you know, if, have you ever, if that's the case, have you ever talked with your wife about your bisexuality? Maybe she has no idea.

Right? That's true. I don't even know if she talked about it. You're absolutely right. Like, I don't know if she just labeled it to Her. Or made it. Yeah, that one time. Like, no, I'm a lesbian, but that's a really good point. And also, you were young, sweetie. Karen, you were 22 when you got together with her. I know that. And I actually need to stop saying young because when you're 22, you don't feel like you're young. I get it. But that's still a time in your life where you haven't had as much experience. You're still figuring out who you are, what kind of relationship you want to be in. And so I think it's okay that you. Maybe you thought that would be easier. I get it. But now you have. You've been listening to the show. You said it saved your life and changed your life. And you've. You're opening up about sex. And so I think now the first thing you gotta do is practice talking to her and just saying. I wouldn't bring up the guy. I wouldn't bring up the fact that you're attracted to somebody else. That's. She'll never hear what you're saying after that. You know, this happens in all kinds of relationships where our sex life is stale and then we go on a trip, we go to work, we go on the 711 and someone. We meet a guy or a woman, and they make us feel great, like we haven't felt before. Yeah.

And also, when you're having this conversation, don't play the blame game. Make it a conversation about what you both can do to. Instead of being like, I'm unsatisfied and it's your fault kind of thing. Right.

Yeah. No blaming.

No blaming. Because it's, you know, like I said, it's. There's so much. You'd be surprised when you just sit down and talk.

Yeah. In a really, like, open. Like, I'm not sure what to do, babe. But we been together now six years. When we. The sex. You know, we're not having a lot of sex lately. And I think it's really important that we do. Let's talk about it. What do you think is going on? What do I think is going on? Without blaming. It's an open conversation, and it's time to have that right now. Karen. Let me know how it goes. Okay. The next one's Tom. He's 40, from California. Dear Emily, I was hoping you could settle a question of masturbation. Is it good or bad for you? It's hard to separate fact from fiction when reading about this. I've heard many times in your show that self pleasure Increases sex drive, gets you in touch with your body and what feels good. And you should keep masturbating whether you're in a relationship or not. There are other sites that condemn it. Saying it's bad kills your libido and coupled with watching porn can have an adverse effect on sex drive and sexual health. I'm 40 and I want to keep enjoying sex with my wife and my self pleasuring sessions for as long as I can. Can you please settle this? Is there even a debate about this? Thanks, Tom. 40, California. Well, Tom, I'm not sure which sites you were looking at, but of course there's debates around everything. And yes, for some people, they masturbate too much. They, you know, meaning that it, it's, you know, they can only have sex watching porn or they only want to watch porn and no longer have sex. Or they, when there's consequences for your behavior, like if you are masturbating so much or watching so much porn that you can no longer have sex with your partner and you can't keep a job down because all you're doing is masturbating. Anything taken to the extreme could be problematic. But I don't know where you're reading that masturbation isn't good for you, that it's not healthy. You know, maybe they're talking about ejaculation.

The thing to keep in mind is that masturbation is actually, it is healthy for you. It's gonna teach you what you like. It's going to keep that bond you have with yourself. It's really good for, you know, you're a dude and you're in, you're 40, it's good for your prostate. You know, that's.

It is, it really is ejaculation is all of that. Right. And I'm wondering though, here's my question though, Jay, when I'm reading this, I'm wondering if his wife is concerned with his masturbation at all or if there's something that he's, you know, Tom, I wonder if there's something you're trying to like hide from it or if you're feeling guilt or shame about maybe. I don't know that. Like, I wonder if there's something else here because I'm wondering why you're asking. Like, I feel like you love your wife. It sounds like you're having sex with her still. And if you're not seeing any negative repercussions. Yeah, it's because you're reading some stuff about it being, you know, I feel like it seems like you're handling it well.

Yeah, I think that there's probably, like a little bit of something. It might just be out of a place where of curiosity, but I think it's the safest bet to say is that you're fine. Masturbation is great.

It's healthy and it does. Yeah, it's all great for everyone. Men, women, do it. When you're on a ship, any site.

That condemns it completely, that's just crazy.

Exactly.

You're alone in your bedroom. Who cares, right? Don't tell anyone.

Okay? Okay, Tom, so I would say you're going to keep enjoying sex with your wife. Maybe she wants to watch porn with you. That could be a good time. Good couple, porn watching. So, yeah, Tom, don't trip on it. You got the right advice here.

Don't trip. Potato chip. So can I read an email? I'd like to read.

Jamie, go read an email. I love it when you read an email.

Okay, so this one is coming to us from Sarah, who's 23 in North Carolina. She says, hi, Emily and Jamie. She didn't know I was gonna be here for this.

She's so lucky.

I'm 23. I'm 23 years old, and when I was 19, I started masturbating because I had never had an orgasm. After achieving an orgasm on my own, using my imagination, etcetera, I began watching porn. For a while, I wasn't really into it because everything is so male, dominant and aggressive. Then I discovered lesbian porn. Ever since then, I've been super into it and I watch it nearly every time I masturbate. I want to preface this by saying I have only ever been in heterosexual relationships and have never found the idea of being in a relationship with a woman appealing or been attracted to other women. I've been in a relationship with my current partner for nearly three years and we have great sex. Does being into lesbian porn mean I'm subconsciously into women? I don't believe sexuality is black and white, but is it normal for straight women to fantasize about these sorts of things? And if so, how do I tell my partner about it? Or should I even bother? Thanks so much and I love your show. Can I preface before you start?

Emily, let's go.

I watched lesbian porn last night. Yeah, I think it's great because I. It's two women having a great time and I can easily put myself into either position. So if there's a dominant one or a submissive one, I can be both of them.

Yes. And you've your. Your experience with women?

I've. I mean, I find. I do find them attractive, but I just think that people are attractive in general. And I mean, I think. But I've never. I've never, like, had a sexual experience with a woman. I've never. I. I mean, I'm not saying that I wouldn't be open to it. Maybe I just. I.

But you identify as mostly heterosexual.

Yeah, I'm mostly right.

So the most common porn, Sarah, just so you know that women watch is lesbian porn. That's true. Most common. So it's very, very common for women who have no desire in real life to be with women to find it very attractive and find very much turn on to watch lesbian porn because. Yeah, exactly the reasons. It's hot. It's sexy. I mean, you know, it's like. Like it's beautiful to see two women together. We know what that would feel like. First of all, there's nothing wrong with you. Doesn't mean you want to be with women unless you do. And that would be great too. So as far as telling your partner about it, what you said, should I even bother? That makes it sound like, kind of gives it more of a negative. Like, should you bother? Like, meaning, like, I feel like there's nothing wrong with sharing with your partner what you find. I'm sure that your partner would think it was hot just to know that you fantasize. I think, yeah, people should share.

Even if it wasn't a lesbian fantasy or whatever it was lesbian porn, whatever it is, you should share your fantasy fantasies if you want to. However, if you want to keep it to yourself, that's totally your.

Yeah, it's your prerogative. It's your choice. It's your sexual choice. Hopefully you guys are talking about sex with your partner. I think a great conversation, a great conversation starter about sex with couples and say, like, what do you fantasize about? What do you think about? And of course, like Jamie said, there's those fantasies that you can don't tell anybody about ever. And then there's something that you might want to share, you might want to actually do with your partner sometimes. So be open, Sarah. I think it's great that you know what turns you on. That's what I gotta say about that.

Yeah. And just because you bring it up doesn't mean that he's automatically gonna be like, okay, let's have a threesome. Like, you can literally preface that. You're like, this is just the porn that I watch, so don't get any Crazy ideas. If that's not what you're into.

Right? Exactly. I wouldn't trip on it. Okay, good question. I think a lot of women, we've heard a lot of that over the years. You're fine. Okay. This is miri. She's 28 from Newport, Kentucky. Hi, Emily. I've been with my partner for almost 10 years, and we enjoy broadening our sexual horizons together. He's recently confessed he wants to enact a fantasy where he is taken by force. I replied with, you mean like surprise sex? He explained how he wants to be tied up and taken advantage of, like, spanking and a little rough play. I would love to help him, but since he wants to be surprised, he's not sharing his limitations with me. How can I take the next steps and create his fantasy in a safe way while respecting his desire for surprise? Having been together for a long time, I do know his bedroom dislikes and likes, but we haven't engaged in rough play. Tips on playful rough play would be so helpful. Can you share your ideas for how I should move forward? Thank you, Mary. 28. Okay, so, Mary, here's the deal. Love that you're so on board with your partner, but you need some more information. He can't just say, like, I want some rough play. Go, Come back in a day and be rough with me. Like, you got to give some more information here. So I think that. That a little bit more. Because what I'm hearing here is, like, a lot of questions we've got asked or people get stumped with the, how do I start? Like, I know my partner wants me to talk dirty, but what's the first word I say? And he's like, I know he wants rough play, but what do I do? And I feel like this partner was so specific about his scenario. Like, taken by force, and he wants to be tied up. And so he does know what he wants. And so I feel like this would be a great time for you guys to go to. Like, where is she? Newport, Kentucky. They could go shopping on the website together. They could go to a sex toy store, and you could buy, like, you could look at, like. Or watch some porn together, some bondage. And, like, he can kind of show you what might be hot to him. Yeah. And what he likes. We've got. I love sports sheets. They've got a great beginner bondage kit that you can get on our new spanking new store on our website, which is like Velcro. It's, like, foolproof. Like, it's like, you get the Velcro cuffs, and you get the blindfolds, and it's so easy to use. But again, anytime you're trying. Rough play. Yeah. I mean, you gotta start slow. You gotta. Like, I feel like I'm feeling her anxiety that she doesn't know what to do now, rather than like, here's how you do. Like, I don't want to. Really. I don't feel like I can. Well, this is the thing she's ready for even the tips right now. But we do have a ton of tips on our site. But go ahead, Jane.

We have blogs on our site about, like, how to gently introduce this. I. The thing is, is that just because he wants to be surprised doesn't mean he can't tell you his limitations beforehand. It doesn't have to happen the next time you guys have sex. It doesn't have to be this, like, outlined plan of exactly what he wants so that you follow it to the T. It's just, you have to know because, like, rough sex means a lot of things. Like, does he want to be choked?

Right.

Or does he just want it to. Like, does he just want to be submissive? Like, what. You need to know these things. But if he really, really just wants to be surprised or if you just want to get into it, I still think both. You know, I agree with Emily. You really do need to talk about it. But just start off slow. Start off slow. And look at his reactions. Is he liking it? Is it going too far? Does it seem like he's into it? And also, I think blindfolds help with this a lot because that's gonna heighten his senses. So you don't even have to be being that rough. But because he can't see anything, it's gonna make it seem like it's a little bit more rough than it was.

Right. Because she wants him to be dominant, too. She want. He wants her to be dominant. So that is a very dominant role. Yeah. You're in control. You got the blindfold. Yeah.

And I think what would be an interesting thing, because you brought up sports sheets, which they do have a lot of great beginning bondage things. They have these under the bed restraints. And so the thing is, is you could be, like, making out on your bed or whatever, and you're on top of him. And then when you're on top of him, you can just take the straps from under the bed and tie them up. And that's a surprise right there, Jamie.

That's so good. I forget. I mean, they're such a surprise that I have on my bed. I forget they're there. They're like. You can't. They're really like. They're lightweight. And you put them around. Yeah, you. I don't even know how to explain it. They're like.

Yeah. And. Cause like, who has a headboard anymore that you can attach things to?

You just right. You pull it out. It's like nylon straps with Velcro on it. And boom, he's handcuffed.

Exactly.

And he won't.

He won't necessarily expect it.

That's a surprise. That's a good move. I like it. So I would get a little more information if this is making you anxious. Where to start? Check out our two blogs too. How to Gently introduce Rough Play in Bed and five Rough Sex Tips for a Naughty New Year on the sex only website. We can put that in the show notes.

Yes, they will be in the show notes, so they will be easily located for you. And of course, of course, because we always let people know when their question has been answered on the air.

I love that we do that. And I love you, James. Thank you.

Thank you.

I love you too.

I love being on the show. I think it's so fun that you give me that opportunity every once in a while.

Oh, I love it, James. It's so fun being here with you and what a wonderful year. Thank you for. Thank you for everything. Making Text with Emily, such a fun place to work and a successful year we've had. Thank you to my amazing team. Thank you to Lark and Ken and our intern Shannon and Jenny and Michael and just all the amazing listeners of heading into our 13th year of sex with Emily. And I have been my whole team here. We have been plotting and planning, and we're creating a lot of cool stuff in 2018. Just watch out. I'm so excited, you guys. Thank you for listening. And, you know, follow us in the 13th year because we are doing a lot of cool stuff with the shows and with everything we're doing. There's a lot of good information coming and I can't wait to. For you guys to come along with us for the ride. So if you haven't entered our contest, better lover 2018, you can do that now. Just tell us how you want to be a better lover in 2018. We also have more information on our website. You have to enter by January 14th and just email us with BetterLover 2018 in the headline. I mean, in the. Whatever it's called, the headline. Headline.

Subject.

Subject. You guys know what I mean.

Put it at the top of the.

Email Happy New Year. I love you all. Thank you so much for leaving listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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