Sexts, Your Ex & Pleasure Tests

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and Everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com check out our blog post. You're gonna love our site. Find. Find us on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. Intentions with Emily. Okay? For each show, join me in setting an intention. So what I mean by this is right now, when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How might it help you? It could be, oh, my God, I freak out if I know I'm going to run into an ex and I want to know why. Or it could be, my partner loves sexting and I'm not into it. Maybe there are reasons I just don't understand my intention. Give you some science behind why exes and sexting might strike us in a certain way and possibly changing your perspectives on both. Enjoy the show. What happens to your body when you run into your ex? Which I love this because in reading this, I started thinking about all the times I run into exes, and I actually started to get the same fight or flight response. Essentially, you run into an ex. You and your body doesn't know the difference between running to an ex or a bear. Essentially, when you recognize, I saw my ex. Oh, my God. That's what happens. Like, you get your increased heart rate and you get. You sweat and, like, you get stomach cramps, like, tight. Like, there's a bear. Like, fight or flight. You can't even explain it. That's what happens. Initially, you're like, I can't. I don't know what's happening, but I'm sweating and running from the bear. That's what happens. It's visceral. Like, a visceral reaction to seeing your ex, whether it's good or bad. A mean thing. Like, sometimes you're like, oh, my God, my ex. I love them still. Or otherwise, you're, like, wearing no makeup and you're at Walgreens and you're like.

That'S usually what happens. Unfortunately, the world has shower. Yeah. Finicky way of doing that. They're just like, hey, by the way, you look like crap. So let me send you your ex that you're still in love with or your crush. Either one.

It's all bad, right? So what you can do is when you run into your exact this is our sex in the news thing, if you decide to take a deep breath, reframe it, just relax a bit, put a smile on, and then face your ex with confidence. Easier said than done. I don't know. Do you guys have any funny times you Ran into your ex. Was it helpful? Did you get back together? Any good ex stories? I feel like I have run into exes. But, you know, in recent years, I've known like, oh, I'm going to this party and I know he's gonna be there or something. But, man, I've had some times where I'm still, you know, into someone and I run into them and, yeah, I feel that, like, nervousness and, like, excitement and maybe some, like, I don't know, attraction, you know, I still want to sleep with them or they're with a new person, a new girlfriend. That's the worst. That's the worst. I had a dream the other night. This is. Remember, I'm reminding this now. Saw my ex, an ex from a while ago, funny enough. Like, in a long time ago, ex. But I felt he was in front of me in some dark, dark, like, concert. And all I saw was his, but I knew it was him. And the silhouette of another woman. Tall, blonde, opposite of me. And then he turned to her and they held hands, and I saw her long legs. And I was like, it hurt. It woke me up. Wasn't even next that I think about. So there is something to that. Oh, wow. I know. But then I was thinking, like, back. And now you kind of know with, like, being so connected in social media, you kind of know where people are going. But I remember having a boyfriend, like, in. I don't know, probably like, before, so. So before phones and before cell phones. Before the phones. Alexander Graham Bell. No, before. Before that. But it was. My friends would. My friends would run into him. I'd be like, they'd run into my ex. And literally back, like, in the 90s were saying if they ran into an ex. And my roommate once ran into my ex boyfriend who I was in love with. He broke up. It just so in love. And then. I don't remember, he didn't trust me or something, or I didn't trust him. One of those. He drank too much. Anyway, she's like, I ran into him. And I was like, literally, you're like. Because you didn't know. No one's seen him once. I'm like, tell me everything. Like, what was he wearing? What he say? Did he ask about me? Like, was he wearing socks? Like, I would ask what color socks. You'd want to know everything. You'd grill them because no one had seen them. No one had heard from him in months. Now you're like. I went on their Instagram, I know what they wore yesterday and what they had for lunch on Tuesday.

Yeah. Or you're like, also like. Like, sometimes maybe if they don't have a social media presence or you block them or whatever, and then someone does run into them, you're just like, you don't want them to not be doing well, but you just want them to just be doing a little bit less well than you. Yeah, exactly. You're just like, I want all the best for you as long as it's not better than what I'm doing.

Right, Exactly. Like, you didn't lose your job, but you got a demotion. Exactly. Like, I don't want you to be broke. I don't want you to like. But, like, things aren't going so well. They kicked you out of the corner office. You now have a cubby. Just some little bit less. Little bit less good than I'm doing now. And then your friends are always like, oh, he didn't look good. He looked really sad. Like, you missed you. Like your girlfriends who are like, your butt, you know, they're like, no, he didn't look good at all.

Yeah. Regardless of actually how he looked.

Exactly.

I'm like, just tell me, like, what a good. A good friend will never be like, oh, he looks great. He looks so much. He got into shape. He looks so much better.

Right, Exactly. Yeah. The problem is. But now, you know, like, you see them on social media that they ran. They ran on Instagram. Oh, look, look, they're in shape now. You wait to get in shape, like, you wouldn't exercise with me and then you go off and hold thing. Or like, I remember another ex in recent years. It must have been like, in the last 10 years because it was on Facebook. And I remember one of my issues with him was that we never traveled. And I was like, I want to go away and I want to do things. And then I remember, like, I don't know, a year later, it was like, he'd be like, in Mexico, Barbados, like Boston, like, with this new girl, like, never traveled with me. All right, let's talk to Chris, 45, in Chicago, because he has a story about running into his ex. Hey, Chris, what's going on? Thanks for calling. What happened?

Hey.

Hi.

Hey. My story is a tad bit different, but yes, anything. I was recently divorced, maybe about five. We'll say about five years ago.

Yeah.

And I was at Hooters, of all places. And yes. And the waitress was taking me to a table, and I actually see my ex wife for the first time at a table with another man, and she was going to Sit me right next to them.

Oh.

And we were divorced with kids. Yes. And I don't mind eating out by myself, so I go out by myself all the time. So she was sitting, and I told. I told the waitress, I said.

I don't know about that table right there, because that's my ex wife, and this is my first time ever seeing her out with someone else.

Wow, I'm getting anxious. I just saw a bear. Okay.

Well, the waitress, she was, man, Very accommodating and said, I'm sorry, and I just sat at the bar. But from that experience, all the waitresses came up to me and was like, I'm so sorry to hear about the divorce. And.

They were really attentive to me. Really attentive.

What a great place for this to happen at Tudors, where they're really, like, that's their job, to be attentive as well as give you even more attention. Even more. So, like six of them came over, right?

They were coming up to me saying, don't worry, it's girls in here who would love to date you, and I'm sorry that you went through that. They were feeling bad for me, but I was far removed from the divorce. They thought it had just happened. And what's funny about this story is, you know, they were. I had two of the Hooter girls wanting to give me their number, and.

Yeah, sounds like it. Okay.

But I can use this. Anytime I go to a different restaurant. If I see a couple there, I can say, hey, that's my ex wife. I'm not comfortable with seeing that in what they do. They're so attentive and so like, oh, I'm sorry. And they are willing to give me their number because of that.

Wait, Chris, you've used it since then? You've used it since then?

Well, it worked that night, so I'm afraid I did use it again.

No, Chris, I think this is. This is really innovative. I actually. I actually like this story. I mean, I actually like that you've done that, because why not? Have you gone out with any of you? Have you met some nice women?

Absolutely. Because of that. I mean, they. They. I mean, I really did run into my ex wife at a Hooter.

I get it.

With someone else. And how attentive they was afterwards when I went to the bar, I didn't leave the Hooters. I just went to the bar because I was doing some work, some.

Some business.

Gotcha.

And I sat at the bar, and they were really attentive.

Yeah, no, Chris, thank you.

All the women came up to me and said, oh, I'm so sorry.

I got you Chris. That's awesome. Thanks for calling Chris. That's like. I mean. Okay, so wait, so that is great. If it worked for you once, why wouldn't it work for. Right of all places? So then he's saying that he got some pity, some empathy from the waitresses, and he sounds like he's probably a cute guy. And it worked once.

I feel like before, it used to be when you got divorced, it was like, oh, you couldn't make the marriage work. But now I feel like when it's, oh, you've been divorced, that means you are marriage material because you were married before.

Exactly. They're like, oh, eligible bachelor. He's already done it. He's a man. He's a man who can commit.

Exactly.

Yeah. Gonna bring him extra fries. What do you get? A Hooters.

Extra wings.

Wings.

I have. I have such, like, a bad memory of Hooters.

Why?

Only because the first time I ever got broken up with, when I was 15 years old, and it was a terrible, atrocious breakup. In fact, Emily, you helped me realize that it was a traumatic breakup.

Yeah.

Cause he straight up, like, ran away. I'm not gonna get into the whole story, but we ended up meeting up with my friends at Hooters right after, and I'm just sobbing. I. Sobbing hysterically. Cause I'm so upset. And we're in Hooters. And I was like, and it's so hot in here. They have the heater all the way up.

And the wings. The wings aren't even tasting good right now. Oh, my God.

But what?

Little Jamie. Well, why Hooters? Like, first of all, I don't even know. I guess in la, is there a Hooters around here?

Oh, well. Cause it was by the mall.

Oh, by the mall. Yeah.

Yeah.

Aw. Dame. I was a Hooter. And speaking of Hooters, everyone's got a Hooters story. Yeah, I actually. I don't know if I've been in a Hooters, but I. For two years ago, I was a Hooters for Halloween. Hooters waitress. Hooters chick. Is that common? I think that's a common one.

I think so.

Like the 90s. I had orange shorts. Orange little shorts and a shirt. Anyway. All right, guys, you can call us 888-947-8277. Some more sex in the news. Okay. What else do I want here? Okay. Two thirds of people who sexed their partners they don't want sex as the end goal. About that. Researchers found that sexters could be grouped into three categories. People who sexted for fun that also resulted in sex. That's 58 people. People who sex it to feel more attached to their partner. That's 54 people. Which I think is common. Like, I feel like it's just a way rather than like, how was your day? You're just like, start sex before you fall to bed. Go to fall to bed, fall asleep. If you don't see them, if you don't, you're not gonna see them. But then. Interesting. I like this one because I think this is inspiring. There's the people who sexted in order to get positive body image reinforcement or another non sex reward. 48 people said that. So essentially, sexting isn't a tool just for signaling an interest in sex, but one for covertly communicating non sexual relationship patterns. That's interesting. And I like the body image one. Like, so maybe you're like, you just want them to tell you want them to be like, tell me what? You love my body or them desiring you makes you feel like, you know, know that they're into your body. Or maybe you start sexting like, you know, I can't wait to suck you. And then back they're like, I love your tits or something. Yeah, whatever they say. No, but whatever those people say, I.

Think it's a nice ego booster.

Exactly.

When you send, and especially when have you ever sent like a text and you just know, even before you send it, you're like, this is such a hot text.

Yeah.

And that all you get back is. Damn, that's all you get back. That's how you know it's an amazing text. They're just stunned.

Yeah, those are, that's great. Do you remember the last one you sent that said that and could you read it for the listeners and myself?

I do remember I can't bring it up because it, you know, because I don't know where it is.

But I'm just saying it would be.

Inspiring because I remember the sex said.

People get sex questions all the time. How do you sex? So Jamie had one that got. Damn.

So I was, it was like before bed one time and I knew that my boyfriend at the time was out at a bar and I was just like, I texted him and I was like, oh, I'm thinking about you right now. And he's just go, what are you thinking about? And so then I was like, well, I was just thinking about how the next time That I see you. I want you to. I want to make out with you so hard. And then I want you to push me down and I want you to grab my hair in your fist and make me suck your dick, but very, very slow. And then when you can't take it anymore, I want you to throw me down on the bed and fuck me.

Oh, damn.

And he just. That's all he said. He's like, damn. And then the next text was like noted happening. And then the next time we met up, we went to dinner and that's what happened afterwards.

There you go. Bravo, Jamie, bravo. You got. That's. That's how you get what you want in bed. That's how you get it.

It was daunting. It's like weird too because you like have that moment right before you send it. You're like, oh my God. But what if I send it and he's just like, doesn't respond or that's the worst. He's just like, I don't want to do that. Or like, I don't know if he.

Was like, yeah, anything like. Or like, oh, funny or lol. Lol.

Just lol or lol wouldn't be.

Or just stop with a crying emoji too. Laughing, crying. Oh, the laughing, crying, the laughing, crying emoji. What if they just laughed at your sex? But see, this is what I'm telling you.

Or they just send you a random one, right? They send you like a dinosaur and you're just like, I don't even know what that means.

Exactly. Yeah, you too, bae, we're telling you they didn't read it. Thanks.

But you know what I love about this? And I think this is great tip if you want to get your lovin on. What I think is interesting is that, is that people are always saying, how do I sext? What do I ask for? How do I talk dirty? And I'm always saying like, well ask for something that you want. Like that's why dirty talk or like phone sex or sexting is cool because you literally can't state specifically what you're looking for or what's hot to you in a text. And. And you know to be face to face eye contact. Because that might have been harder to say.

Oh yeah, would have been.

But you're like, I'm just sending it and it's. It's about. So it's like it's turning them on. And then you're be able to state like, bam, this is my fantasy and you're in it, buddy. So let's make this shit happen.

Yeah. It would have been really hard to, like, make eye contact and say that.

Right.

And then you have to have this certain. You have to have the cadence. Cause obviously I wouldn't have said it in the way that I relate it to you all here now.

Right, right.

But also, it's like, then you have to put in effort.

Yeah. It's so much easier. This is where I. Okay, this goes in the pro column for technology and for texting.

Yes, we should have a pros and cons list.

We should. Because mostly I just think it's sucking up our time and our lives and our attention and our focus and our ability to connect with others. Being attached to our phone.

A hundred per.

But if it means that you get your fantasies met by your partner, you can have more orgasms and figure out what you want. Bed. That's a pro. We're gonna take a quick break, and we come back. We're gonna get onto your calls.

Okay. We have Latoya, 35, in North Carolina, who wants to talk about masturbation.

Hey, latoya, thanks for calling. Welcome to the masturbation conversation.

Hi.

Hi.

So how are you guys?

Good.

I listen to you guys every day. Well, just about every day whenever I'm driving, which is like every other day.

Love it.

But anyway, so, like, I just masturbated for the first time, like, a couple of months ago. I've been married to my husband for 10 years, and he doesn't like that. But I travel a lot, and so one night I was, you know, traveling, and I was horny, and I was like, okay. And I just did it, and I love it. And now I'm like, into all the different toys and stuff, which he doesn't know because he's not really. I don't know, he's not open minded with it. Like, I've tried it, and he's just like, it's growth, but I like it.

Oh, Latoya, I'm. Well, I'm so glad that you called in about this. Do you know what he. Yeah. I mean, so I feel like, first of all, I love that you're at 35 years old and you just discovered it. You've got a whole life ahead of you now. But I think that it might be a good idea to have a conversation with your husband and let him know that it's healthy. You're going to continue doing it because it is nothing to be shameful about. It's actually going to enhance your ability to have pleasure with him. And with yourself, and it's going to make you. You know, it helps with your mood. It helps with. You know, it has a lot of healing properties to it having an orgasm. So it might be interesting to get curious and ask him, you know, what is it that he thinks is so wrong about it? Because I don't want. You have to hide it, Latoya.

He just says it's gross. Like, we both come from. We're both from, like, church families. Like, my father was a preacher, and then, like, we grew up in the same church, so it was really strict on both ends. But he says it's growth. And actually I actually orgasm for the first time.

Oh.

Like, all this time, I thought, you know, like, it was. Whenever we do it, it's like, what down there? So I'm thinking I'm orgasm, But I never. I realized I never orgasm until two weeks ago.

Is that what you said? This is.

Yeah, like, a couple of months ago.

A couple months ago, you said, I'm okay. I mean, Latoya, this is amazing. I'm so happy for you. So have you let your. Have you let your husband know this, that you actually had your first real orgasm?

I hate it. Okay, so I haven't told him that. But what I do is, like.

If I know that we're gonna get intimate, like, I actually masturbate first and then.

Absent.

Huh. Okay, well, what I think would be cool is to have a conversation with him about your sex life, you know, outside the bedroom. You listen to the show every night and just say, you know what? I. I've been thinking about this, and I. I really think that it would be so great to have a conversation about our sex life, because actually, I told you I masturbated. And I just like you to listen to what I have to say here, and. And it actually feels really good. And I realized it was actually. I didn't know what orgasm was, and it was the first time. And I actually don't think it's gross. I think it actually makes me want to be. And I'd love to show you what I learned. And, you know, I just. I think it's going to be a series of several conversations, because in my head, I want you to be like, look what I learned. Let's do Matro masturbation. Let's get it on. But I think if this is a lifetime of wiring and, you know, from his childhood and upbringing, that it's gross. And I understand that. I understand. I hear. We hear this all the time. But, Latoya, you Wouldn't you love to be able to share this with him?

Yes, I would. So I need him to be more open minded.

Yeah. So I think. How do you feel about having a series of conversations with him about it without shaming him and without judging him, but just saying, I need you to hear this. And maybe you guys can listen to the show together. A lot of couples do. They listen together, and it kind of. It helps them, you know, educate. Both of them kind of blame me.

Yeah, well, maybe I'll do that. Cause I'll be back in town tomorrow, so.

Awesome. Latoya, I think this is great. Congratulations. You're starting on a whole new journey right now. Yeah. Thank you for sharing this. Latoya. Keep us posted. We're here every night. I want to hear from you. I'm not going to forget this, Latoya. Not gonna forget this call. Amazing, you guys. Yeah. 35 years old, wasn't sure that, you know, she listens to show every night. You know, I mean, that was a little bit of inspiration. I hope you guys listening to people actually talk about sex is your first step towards actually improving your sex life and having better sex. So how can I help you with that? Let's talk to John, 54, New York. He wants to talk about infidelity. Hey, John, thanks for calling.

Hi.

How are you?

Great.

How are you tonight?

Really doing well. Thank you.

My situation is kind of. I don't know how to explain it, really. It's. My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We have three kids, two of which are special needs. And my wife had an affair with our next door neighbors across the street, who we were very, very close friends with, did everything together, spent a lot of time together. And she had an affair with my friend or woman's husband across the street. And went on for a while. And we had confronted them, like the wife and I had confronted them, and they denied it. And then two years later, we finally confirmed that it happened. And, you know, obviously she. She had denied it. And, you know, and I thought we were in a very good relationship, you know, sexually. We were pretty active, and there wasn't any right, no hesitancy in terms of our sex life. But she then started to have affairs with other people as well. And two of which were women. One of one was another neighbor. And the woman's husband was involved with watching them. And the only way I came across it was finding pictures that she was saving and then sending to this other husband next door. And it was kind of like this really Weird cycle of what was going on. And I had really. I really followed what was going on. I documented everything. I took pick. I took pictures of her phone and had pictures so I had the proof of it. And when I finally confronted her on all of it, you know, she denied it again. And. And then, you know, all the stuff that I had, all the notes that I had taken down and all the things that I kind of harboring inside, I finally opened up and let it all out. You know, I just haven't really dealt with it real well. It's been a couple years now. We're still together.

Oh, wow.

Okay, John, to context. Okay, so you've been together for a lot a while and this happened a few years ago and you're still living together. Is she still cheating?

I don't know. I don't think so.

The way I used to be able.

To, you know, find out ways of how. If she was the way I used to build attractions, her phone and look in her phone and.

Stuff, whether it was through Facebook or.

Well, John, have you guys gone to therapy? Because here's the thing. If you're asking me how to get over how to repeat. Listen, infidelity. And when couples go through this and they break trust, you have to go to therapy to rebuild it. It takes a lot of work. It doesn't come back because time is passing. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. Which sounds like that's where you're at. You've been able to keep busy, keep your head, nose down, whatever. But this is therapy and you both have to go and rebuild the trust or it's not going to work.

Yeah, I went myself. She went initially and we never did go together, but we did go separately.

Well, will she go together?

She's not, you know, once just even like when I confronted her on what was going on, she, you know, she completely shut down. And we really haven't even talked about a lot of it since. It's going on in two years.

So you found out all this cheating happened two years ago. You presented her with all the data. She's like, that didn't really happen. And now you guys are still sharing a bed and going about business as usual.

Yeah.

How are you doing that, John? Really? That's not easy.

I really do it to my family.

Yeah.

My kids, and you know, keep some normalcy with them. And, you know, it's kind of like Irish guilt. You know, you can live with it forever as long as it doesn't affect anybody else.

Yeah, I know that. Well, I think we all have a little bit guilt. I'm not Irish, but I get it, John. So. So. But what I'm saying. I feel like you shouldn't suffer, though. Like, I feel like you are tough and you're being strong here and maybe some ways you blame yourself. I don't know what you do in your head to make this okay, but I don't want, you know, you should be having a. You know, loving. Your kids can feel it too. Like, I know this whole, like, staying together for the kids to keep normalcy. But I'm telling you, if mommy and daddy aren't getting along or there's tension, they feel that without you. A word. So it's not healthy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't. You know, it isn't that way. And I can just. Another added on top. We haven't had sex since this happened. All of the. All the information that I had and all that data I collected, she destroyed. And, you know, when we were having sex, even though I knew what was going on, it was just different because she was different in having sex with me than she probably would have been in that She. I know she was in the past and. And I could tell she was different. She was doing different things. She was reacting.

Right. Well, John, we know she cheated. We know this is all true. So what are you gonna do about it now? Like, do you guys share a bed?

We do.

Okay. I mean, are you asking me, like, would you like to have your wife back to how things were and you want to have sex with her again? You know, recreate that intimacy and connect again? Is that what you want?

Yeah, I think that's why.

That's why you call.

I'm still here.

Right.

I just don't know how to approach it. Just because she is so standoffish about when you confront her on. She just shuts down.

Right, but what are you afraid of, John, right now? Like, what do you have to lose by just being like, listen, I love us. I love our relationship. I want to make it work. We can let that stuff go for the sake of our marriage and our family. Let's go to a marriage counselor once a week for the next month. At least try that out. Three months, actually, is what you'll need to really feel something. But a month could work. I mean, John, you have to. There's literally no other choice. And I feel like she's somehow instilled the fear of God in you or you feel bad about something. But this is. John, this is about you and being a good parent. Because it's about the mental health of your home. So therapy is not an optional activity right now. With what you've been through and with what you deal with with your children, you have a lot going on in that house. And I'm sorry. My heart is like, so open for you and goes out to you because it's, like, not easy. And you're taking the weight of the world on, John. So I just need you to find a good therapist and it happen however you can. That's the. That's the solution. I don't care what she says, really. You got to keep doing it, John. You know how to talk to her. You can do it too. And you'll feel good about this. You'll at least make some movement. Or if she won't do it, then you can't stay with her.

I just don't want to make it worse than it is. I mean, it's not bad now. It really isn't.

But it's not bad because you're walking around. Yeah, but, John, you know, you're suffering. That's no way to live with someone. You're. You're sharing a bed, you're not having sex, you're not talking about this. This. This huge breach of trust in your marriage that happened several times where you're probably feeling humiliated and it's your neighbors and you still live there, and you're walking around taking the brunt of it every single day. And you are suffering deeply in ways that I don't think you even know yet. I think it's okay if she gets angry right now. Like, I feel like. I don't know, John. I feel like. I mean, you get to decide you've been living how you're living. But I think that therapy is not good, especially with what you're dealing, kid. You gotta go to therapy, John. Let me know how it goes. I'll be here. Thank you for calling, John, for thinking about you and I talked about this earlier in the show, that usually there's one person who wants to work on it, go to therapy and talk and improve, and like, let's get through these struggles we have around money or sex or the kids. And then there's one who's like, no, we're cool. I'm good. I'm busy. Therapy's for losers. Therapies for sick people, whatever they say. And they don't want to work. And this is the problem. What do you got to lose? It's like, literally, you go once a week with your partner for an hour. Like, so you don't watch Netflix for an hour. You get off Instagram. I can. The average person's on it, like, 53 minutes a day. Oh. Do you know what that could do for your mental health? If you go once a week, even for a month, you're gonna see. You guys, it's. It really is. Every couple needs it. I don't think that people really understand what it does. I'm not gonna get into it now. We talk about a lot, but, like, just believe me, it'll help.

We have Penny, 54, in Texas. She wants to know how to transition from a sex site into a dating site.

Penny, I'm so curious about this, so tell me more.

Okay, so for the last four years, I have. So I've been in a sexless marriage for about 10 years, and about four years ago, when I turned 50, I decided.

I should be having sex, and if my husband didn't want to have it with me, then I should have it with somebody else. So some friends recommended some sex items, and so I went on them, and I've had a lot of fun, and. But now I'm going through a divorce. Not because of this, for other reasons, obviously, but I'm going through a divorce. And so now I'm looking to have a real relationship, But I'm finding it hard to go on to a real relationship and meet somebody without wanting to, of course, inquire about their sex life.

Yeah, of course. I mean. Yeah, Penny. Okay, so first of all. Okay, so what? I'm just curious what. The sex sites that you were on, what are those sex sites? Because I want to understand. Maybe you could tell me more about how it. How it worked. Like, was it just like, this is what I want at this time? And there was no emotional attachment to anybody.

So when I first started going on it, of course there was emotional attachment, but that was like, scaring the men off or whatever, because obviously they were in it for sex, and I was in it to try to find something else.

Right.

So then I. I turned my emotions off, and then it just became a physical thing.

Okay. And that was satisfying to you? So now.

So that was satisfying to me.

Right. Okay. Well. And then. So now you just want to go to regular little date, and I. I think this is such a great question, Penny, because I believe that we need to figure out if we are sexually compatible with someone. That's even more important than, like, finding out if you like the same music or you like the same movies or, you know, you, values are important. Do we both Value family, do we value health? I mean that stuff is important. But sex selling, that we just never talk about, we think we're just going to figure it out. So I think that it's sort of like, you know, when you go out with someone, I think how do you usually do it now? Like do you just meet them out for a date or do you talk on the phone?

Well, so that's the problem, that I haven't actually met anybody from the legitimate site.

Okay.

So from the sex site I met a lot of people. I did not have sex with every one of them, obviously. But I met more people on these sites. Am not having any luck. But it's also when I'm having dialogue with them, I'm trying to be so cautious about what I say that I think I'm not being personable enough.

Right, right. Okay. So are you talking? So is this, when you say talking, are you texting?

Yeah, we're texting.

Okay, so listen, this is what I think. And this is, this has worked for Kristen Dates online. This helped Kristen, this helped many people that I think you should set up a FaceTime date. You can even line up a bunch of them back to back before you even meet them. So you know, like, do I even want to take the time out of my day or my evening to meet with someone and start to talk to them and get a vibe for them and like, because I, for me texting, like, I don't, I don't do the opposite. I just don't like texting. I'd rather meet someone and all this stuff. So you can say that like, let's hop on a call and then you could get. First of all, it saves you a lot of time and trying to have to be clever and trying to be whatever they get the vibe or the personality and then you can just ask them questions then I'm not necessarily about sex, but I think you could start to. I mean, we're in our 50s, you're in our 50s. It's like you can be like, how important is sex to you? You know, you can learn, you can kind of figure out what feels comfortable you. But I just think if you're starting to get on the regular sites, the non sex sites, that that breaking that ice with a FaceTime call could be really helpful for you.

Okay, so be okay. That's, that's great. So I was just very cautious about giving out my phone number because I had an incident when I was on the sex site that somebody took my phone number and did that reverse Lookup and paid to have. Find my information and got my address and all that stuff and kind of stalked me.

Oh, no. Okay.

Yeah, so it's so. I'm so.

Oh, okay, don't then. Don't do that. Okay, so maybe what about Skype? Could you get like a. Is there like a fake. Like a finsta, but for Skype? You get a fake Skype account. I would do Skype.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay, do it that way.

Yeah, don't do the work. Skype.

Set up a Skype number. Yeah, set up a Skype at home. Everything. Everyone has Skype. If not, they're going to get Skype. If they want to talk to you, they can figure it out. So I think that would be a great way to do it. Or if you. Yeah, yeah, do that. Do Skype. And then just. Because I just think it saves us all a lot of time because it's just really hard to be texting back and forth. So I would try to do that. And then when you, when you actually.

Find someone, the thing is, I'm not getting past. I'm not getting past the first, like, how are you? How are you doing? Kind of questions to even like, say, let's talk on the phone kind of thing. Not understanding what I'm doing wrong.

Well, what is exactly happening? So you're matching with someone. Which site are you on, for example?

So I'm on a couple. So I'm on match.com and I'm on Bumble.

Okay.

Bumble is probably too close to the other site that I was on, so. But, I mean, there are. There do seem to be some really nice guys, but I'm just not meeting anybody. And I don't. I. I'm, you know, I just totally do not want to go to the sex side. I've totally turned.

What are the sex sites? I gotta know which sex sites you're on. Can you tell me what sex sites?

Adult Friend Finder. Adult Friend Finder.

Okay, I forgot. Yeah, Adult Friend Finder. All right, so I think that Hinge. People are loving Hinge right now. I feel like every year there's like a new one and people are loving Hinge. Right. Jamie? Kristen. I feel like Hinge Tell. It's a little. It's a dating site. Yeah, I talk about it.

It's. It's a dating. It's a dating app.

Dating app.

Yeah. It's just. It's different in the sense of, like, you don't necessarily swipe on people, so you have pictures. Like, when you set it up, you Put in pictures the same way. But then you have like, you have to pick three prompts. So they're questions. So it's like, you should not go out on a date with me if. Or let's debate. And it like you put, you know, little questions like that. Or like, your perfect Saturday. It looks like this. And then you, when you're looking through your match, like matches, it'll say, oh, they liked this picture of you, or they liked this comment of you. And you can comment back. Or if you're going through, you can like that. You can like a comment or like a thing. And you can invite them to start the chat that way too. Okay, so if you match together, then you.

And is that a free one or is that a pay one?

Free.

It's free. Yeah. And I guess there's many more paths to entry. Like, it's not just a swipe. It's like you can like different parts of what they reveal about themselves. It humanizes it. It's not just swiping with people, which people so carelessly do. And I feel like that's not why she's getting good responses. But this, you have to put more energy into it. You gotta put a little more effort into it. So I would try that out. And don't give up, you know, keep going with it. Penny, I'm not sure what you're. Yeah, okay. Okay, let me know. It goes. Sign up for it.

Can I ask another question?

Sure.

So I am 54 and I'm a little. Okay, I'm a little overweight, but I'm doing keto right now. So I'm losing weight, but I'm very comfortable in my skin. But I was. I'm looking for obviously a man who's very good looking to me and that I find attractive and stuff. And I'm not getting that match. So am I like, way on left field to try to want that?

No, not at all. Not at all. Listen, confidence is such a sexy thing, Penny. So keep doing you. You are not off track at all. And you will find that person. So. No, you're not. And the other thing that you used to remind me when you said your age. Cause you're 54. There's an app called another dating app app called Our Time, and it's for people over 50. And I have a friend who got married on it. She met someone and got married. So I hadn't heard a lot about it, but that's another option.

I did, I did. I thought about that. One my only. And here's My vein. Thing is, I'm 54, but I don't think I look 54. Most of my friends don't tell me that I. Tell me that I look like I'm in my early 40s and stuff.

Yeah, but just try it. Listen, just try it. You tried that sex? Why not? If you don't like it, you'll get off of it. I think it's great to diversify.

I don't have anything to lose.

Exactly. Nothing to lose. Everything to gain. Penny. Yes, yes, do it. Let us know. We're here every night. Penny. Call us back, you guys, if you listen. I don't ask you for much, but if you call in and I'm giving you advice, I love when you call back and tell me what happened. Next step. How did it go down? All those things. Thank you and thanks to my amazing team. Thanks to Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com Foreign.

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