Sexual Curiosities, Cravings & Conundrums

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm responding to your emails and answering your sex, dating, and relationship questions. Topics include coming together— how often should it be happening, if at all? What to do when your partner says he needs Viagra, but you know he's able to get it up for people online? Chastity— what is it, and when does it go too far? And how to get over the fear of being replaced by your girlfriend's sex toys, because you won't, trust me. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Go shopping at sexwithemily.com. Read stuff at sexwithemily.com. Right, Jamie? People should do a lot there.

Yeah, there is actually so So much information on there and it's fun. Like, it looks nice and the GIFs are really cute and fun.

Best GIFs.

They are!

Dude, I know.

And there's like a lot of really fun information. It's like so easy to digest.

Right? Like, you just, like, and actually, if you have a question, you're like, I wonder if she's answered that, you could just like Google it on the site or the topic and you'll find a podcast or blogs. Okay, so do that. Also, I mean, if you know, if you've got time on your hands, all social media is @sexwithemily. Thank you so much for subscribing and wherever you listen to the show and review us because that's cool too. All right guys, we're just going to get into your emails. I love answering your questions. I mean, it's literally why I exist on the planet and you guys have been sending in so many great questions lately. So I just thought, let's knock it out. Let's do a show and answer a bunch of them and keep them coming. Okay. So you can send the questions through sexwithemily.com. Just click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form. But here's the deal. If you want to talk to me in real time and get advice on the spot, spot, you can just call into SiriusXM radio. The number is 888-947-8277, and it's Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 PM Pacific. And even if you don't have SiriusXM, you can still call me. All right, you can also email feedback@sexwithemily.com, and just always, always, always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. And we're also cool if you, you know, change your name.

That's fine.

Fine.

You can be, you can be Susie instead of Jennifer.

Exactly. We don't know. We just, age is important to me.

It is.

And region where you live. All right, Jamie, you want to read the emails?

Yes. So this first one comes to us from Sam, 25, in Canada. She is a woman. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love your podcast. My fiancé and I listen to it together every evening before bed. Aw, that's so nice.

I love that.

Okay. We've been together for 5 years and I'm bisexual and interested in trying an open polytype relationship, mostly just sex with others with no strings attached. My partner said he's not ready to try that yet. I'm wondering how we can ease into it when he is ready and what kind of things are important to discuss before trying it. Also, in the meantime, what can we do to keep things passionate and exciting between the two of us? I really miss that new sex feeling with someone new. Thanks. We love you, Emily.

Aw, we love you. I love, I love that vision of Sam and her fiancé lying in bed together listening to Sex Family at night.

I mean, what better way to keep sex on the brain?

We're like a lullaby. We're like a sexy lullaby.

Right?

Yeah, that makes me happy. Well, thanks for letting me know that. And you guys sound like you have a really good communication and a healthy relationship here, and I feel good about this, Sam. So, that's great that he's open to the idea. And it's okay that he doesn't want to be open to it right now. So, what you can do is, after you listen to the podcast, or maybe before at night, you could read a book together. And I'd recommend, there's two great books about about opening up relationships. One's been around for many years, I don't know, maybe 20, 30 years, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton, or Opening Up is another great book by Tristan Taormino. So you can both like get a better understanding about non-monogamy. It'll help you kind of figure out the questions to ask each other. Um, you definitely should have conversations around it and get clear on the boundaries. Cause here's the thing, what I've found by talking to so many people who are polyamorous and by advising them is that Talk about everything and you'll start to set boundaries. You'll say like, oh, I don't want to know all the details of who you're with, or there's no sleepovers and no kissing. And you try to get boundaries in place, right? You try. But then after it happens, you talk about it, you get clearer, you refine, you figure out what works. So it's a process, but I'm telling you, by getting yourself educated, reading some books, checking out some podcasts we've done about unopened relationships will help you. In the meantime, yes, definitely. Spice up your current sex life. I love the idea of role-playing, and you're just like different people. You come up with different scenarios. You do the sexy stranger, you know, you meet up with different people, or come up with what's hot for you. I mean, I think maybe there's some kind of, um, dominant— some, uh, maybe there's some kind of like role-playing, like doctor-patient, teacher-student. Maybe you've been bad and he spanks you over the desk. You know, come up with fun scenarios. We talk a lot about role-playing and I'm telling you, for many couples, they're like, it'd be awkward. And then they try it and it's, it really does spice it up because you're asking for something different from him and it gets stale. That's, you're like with a whole new person, with an alter ego. You can watch porn. Love the idea of watching porn together. This is where I love porn because in porn you can check out different scenarios and explain like what's hot to you. You can learn what each other like, reading erotica. And there's some great erotica apps right now. Dipsy, Quinn, and then there's also a website called belessa.co. Also blindfolds, super easy way to try something different. You take away one sense, you experience all the other senses so much more intensely. And then this is where you can play with different kinds of touch. You could use a massage candle, use toys together, use toys together when you're blindfolded. Also mutual masturbation, such a hot idea for every couple. If you haven't mutually masturbated yet, it's really cool because you know that you're both gonna get off Plus you get to see each other and you learn different moves. You see how they touch themselves.

No, I mean, I think all of those would help spice things up because then it does kind of make it new. She's saying she's like misses the new thing with a new person, but maybe she's just missing— like maybe it's just gotten stale into like a routine and she's just missing something different. It doesn't even need to be a person.

Well, that's what people think. They're like, we should have a threesome to save the relationships, or maybe I just want another person. But oftentimes, yeah, that boredom could just be novelty. A lot of us You miss that. You're with someone for a year, 2 years, a few months. You're like, what is new and exciting? All those things I just named could be years of fun.

Oh yeah. And then I also think—

at least nights of it.

Yeah. And I just, I'm thinking about it now too. That's why sometimes it's nice not to have a giant libido, because if you're having sex every day, you're going to have to start spicing it up a lot quicker than if you're having sex like a couple of times a week.

You're so right. And most people only— I feel many have it a couple of times a week. Yeah, you can like—

I just thought about this right now.

Literally, if you want to have sex every day, you need to have a sex toy closet like this.

Oh my God, exactly. And I'm just thinking about like, I used to have sex every day when I was, you know, seeing— I had a boyfriend that I saw every day and we didn't get bored with sex, but I could tell he was kind of getting bored. But it was when I was younger.

Yeah, you're like, I don't know what to do.

But now I'm like, when I have sex with people, it's like once a week. So I'm like, okay, at least we can like try new things, but it's like not gonna be like needing to escalate as high.

Exactly. No, you're right. You can kind of stretch things out for a lot longer. Yeah. But why that's also a good point is because for many people who are only have sex once or twice a week, it's like you role play one week, like you're done with the novelty. Yeah, exactly. But then if you buy toys, you use a toy this time, and the next week you use another toy, and then this time you use the blindfold, and then the next time you mutually masturbate, you're like, I really liked mutual masturbation, let's I'll just keep doing that. It's like—

And that's already 3 months right there.

There we go. It's so exciting. She'll be like, non-monogamy who? All right, keep us posted how it goes, Sam, and say hi to your fiancé.

All right, we have this next one's from Amber, who's 39 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily Morse. First, I'd like to thank you for having your podcast. Listening to your show has been so eye-opening to me personally. I'm 39 and I feel like I'm now just understanding my body, what feels good sexually, where everything is, aka the G-spot. Where, what works for me and what I want to explore. I just recently found my G-spot on my own with my fingers. And I also began to understand the pelvic floor muscles. Since my fingers were inside of me, I could feel my pelvic floor muscles tightening around my fingers. So since I finally understand why my pelvic floor muscles are so important, what they felt like as they tightened, I've always done Kegels, but my new outlook, I want to step things up immediately. What do you recommend?

I love this. I love this, Amber. I am so glad that you found the podcast and that you are really understanding the pleasure source, the power source of our pelvic floor. And that is where we're going to get more connected to our bodies, where we're going to have stronger orgasms. We're going to stop urinary incontinence as a side note. So I love that you took on this exploration and I urge all women if you haven't really explored your body, the pelvic floor, keeping strong kegels is where it's at. So what I also love is that you want to amp up your kegel game, because I can tell you exactly how to do that. First off, I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp that just helps. It will remind you to do them. That's why I made it. It was like 7 years ago because I was like, I'll never remember. My doctor was like, do it at a traffic light. I'm like, I'm texting at traffic light. I'm not doing my kegels. So anyway, it reminds you just to do them. But what I love, because the second you said I want to ramp it up immediately, the Intensity by InControl is essentially a medical device that they turned into a vibrator if you choose to use it that way. It does your Kegels for you and has a clitoral rabbit vibe. So it kind of rewards you once you're done working out. But let me tell you about the Kegels. Like it literally is like if you could, like I wish there was like a treadmill that could run for me or like an ab machine that could get my abs. This literally, I did it for a month. I mean, I've done it for 5 years now, but the first month I did it, I did it 5 times a day. I would lie back on my bed, you know, my head on the pillow. I would either meditate or just lie there and you rest it and you literally just lie there. You don't even have to tense and relax your muscles because it uses electromagnetic stimulation that does an excellent Kegel workout. And if you use it 8 to 10 minutes a day, 4 days a week, You go up to the different levels. We have videos about it, but I'm telling you, after 3 weeks, 3 and a half weeks, I started having much stronger orgasms, um, during penetration and on my own. And I felt like when you've done a bunch of crunches, you know, you go to the gym and you're doing your workout and you're like, I'm gonna wear a— what do they call them— crop top. Yes. It's like you like want to have sex and a lot of orgasms when you're pelvic floor as well.

Yes, you do. I don't even know what I was doing before I actually really started incorporating Kegels into my masturbation, especially. The only problem is sometimes, sometimes if I forget to put a pillow under my butt, I'll get like— I get fucking cramp in my— not in my— just in my leg, my quadricep.

Because you're— because you're just—

well, no, because I need to— I need to raise and I don't need to, but I like to raise my pelvis up. But if I forget to put a pillow underneath me, I have to do it on my own.

You mean like— so I'm doing like a bridge position because you're— yeah, you're squeezing your thighs together?

No, because I'm using my Kegels, but then I'm, I'm like doing like, um, what's it called, like a butt crunch.

Oh, butt crunch.

Like, because I'm, because I'm raising up, so I'm not—

you're right, right.

I'm not flexing those muscles. I'm just like—

just be aware, you don't want to— you don't actually want to flex your thighs. Or your butt. But doing Kegels is also when you're having sex.

Oh, it's best. Yeah, I love doing it and then being like, can you feel that? And their face is like, of course I can.

Yes, they can feel it. I've got the Kegel grip on your penis. Okay, so, so yeah, Amber, let us know how it goes. Stick with the Kegels. I recommend it to everyone. All right. Okay, next email.

Yes, this next one's from Anne, who's 60 in Arizona. Dear Dr. Emily, why is it that my man claims he needs that little blue pill when I found proof he's very active on Facebook chat with his friends. Seems as if I don't initiate any intimacy and beg for a whole month, I just won't get any of it. It's not that I'm unattractive though, I'm not a supermodel, but I find what's left on our sheets and it sure didn't come from us. We seldom do anything. Help.

And thank you for your email. There's a lot going on here. It's your man, and I'm wondering how long you guys have been together. That's also helpful.

Yeah, that's helpful.

Name, age, and how many years you've been together, or how many months. Because this really— what's really happening here is I don't like that you have to initiate it all the time, that you have to beg him, you know, and that you're not getting any sex. And then also that you found out that he's masturbating on Facebook, and, and then the sheets— he's leaving the sheets. This is not good. So I'm curious, have you talked to him yet? About the women online, you're making assumptions that he doesn't need the pill for any kind of erection. 'Cause for many men, they do.

That's very true.

Yeah. So we always think the worst.

We do.

She doesn't need, he doesn't need a pill with her, but for me, he needs double. I think you actually have to just have the conversation about your sex life. Now that has to be in a neutral environment. And this is not like when he doesn't want sex for the fourth time, you're like, no, I need you to initiate, or, you know, that's not when it happens. It's when you're going out, you're going on a date, you guys are chilling, and you just say to him, listen, I really— our sex life is so important to me. I love it. I think it's hot. But does she want to address him? Does she first want to address the Facebook thing though?

I mean, I think she should.

Okay, so you gotta have a neutral conversation with him. And first you got to bring up the idea about other women online, because to me, that would be— that wouldn't feel great to me. And then also the sheet part wouldn't feel great to me either. So it's like, who are these women? So it feels like you need to have an overall conversation about your intimacy. So you could just say to him, I love intimacy, is so important to me connecting to you, having sex with you. And for me, it would feel so great to know that you also valued our sex life and it was a priority to you. And how I would know that is if you actually, you know, you actually want to feel desired by him. So let them know what that looks like. I want you to, when you get home, kiss me on the neck. I want you to make a date. I want you to, initiate sex and have the rose petals laid out. Like, whatever your vision is, you need to explain to him what that looks like. When you say it in a neutral environment without shaming him or blaming him or being like, why don't you ever, or who are all these people, you just kind of bring up an overall thing about your sex life and intimacy and then see where it goes from there. So I think you guys just keep talking about sex in your relationship. And also, he should be cleaning the sheets. I mean, if he's going to finish on them, what, she's got to do laundry too?

Right? Oh my God.

Okay, well, hey, speaking of sheets, okay, I'm gonna throw this down. The quality of your bedsheets means so much in the bedroom, especially if you're using the same old scratchy sheets that are like 200 thread count. I don't know, I'm like a total sheet snob, and I've had some bad sheets in my time. I've had lovers that have horrible sheets. Like, I've been to guys' houses and they're just— they're not clean. Or like the one guy who had a bottom sheet but his top sheet was like a twin but his bed was a king. It was all very confusing. I mean, Jamie, I'm sure in the— in your 20s, guys have like— you like get on their bed, it goes crunch.

Oh my God. I mean, if they even have sheets, to be honest.

Like, you're right, they probably don't have sheets.

It's fucking hard out there, dude.

It is. Okay, well listen, this is why I love Brooklinen Sheets. I gave Jamie my— okay, so Brooklinen sent me sheets a few years ago and I love them, and then they sent me an extra pair, which is nice. I mean, I, I talk about them, but they don't send me like sheets every day. But of course, because I love Jamie, I was like, Jamie, I already have a pair, you should take a pair.

It was— they are so nice too. My roommate tried to fucking take them and I stole them back.

Why would he do that? Those are like the nicest things you have.

I know, I know.

Okay, anyway, you guys, Brooklyn and Sheets, honestly, you guys, they are hotel quality. It's like when you go to a hotel, you're like, I wonder who makes these sheets. It's— they're just like that. And you think they're expensive, but they're affordable, which is what the founders of Brooklinen wanted to accomplish, 'cause they're like, let's cut out the middleman. Let's just have people go online and get the great sheets and then don't charge 'em a lot of money.

I've actually gotten compliments from guys.

Really?

They're like, where'd she get these sheets? And that's how you know.

'Cause I got the striped ones for you. Like, they have stripes.

Yeah.

They're cute.

'Cause they're cute. And that, but that's also how you know that like sheets are that good is that when someone stays over at your house and they're like, yo, where did you get these sheets? These from.

Really? Yeah, you got confidence. See, because they're good, you can tell. Well, guys, the other thing though, they have really soft towels as well. Ann's husband could use the towels instead of the sheets because then he could just use one hand towel and throw it away just to be respectful, right? I mean, actually, I would want him to use the old towels, probably. Anyway, Brooklinen, you guys, brooklinen.com is the fastest growing bedding brand in the world. They even won Good Housekeeping's Best Online Bedding Company award. They have so many amazing colors, patterns, materials to choose from. You can actually design your perfect bedding combo. I love my brooklynanddotcom sheets. Their towels turn my bathroom into a spa.

That's true. It looks nice.

Doesn't it?

It does.

I got a steam shower, I got the sheets. Okay, you guys, so you, my listeners, my friends, you can get an exclusive offer, 10% off plus free shipping when you use code SEX at checkout. They're so confident in their products, they have a lifetime warranty on all sheets, which is actually good because I just fuck things up sometimes.

Oh, same. I spill stuff.

I spill, but they actually, the stains come out. Okay.

Oh, good to know.

Lifetime warranty on all sheets, comforters, and towels. Oh, I definitely want that on towels.

Yes.

Save 10% off and free shipping. Go to brooklinen.com, use code SEX. That's Brooklinen, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com, and use code SEX.

Yes, this next email from Ingrid, 18, in Australia. Dear Dr. Emily, is it normal for you and your partner to not cum at the same time? The your turn, my turn turns me off. After I cum and then I wait for him to cum by doing what he likes. "We struggle to find anything that gives me pleasure at the same time as him that isn't from 69.

Thanks." Ooh, Ingrid, great question. First off, I love that you're having orgasms, which is great. You know, at 18, you're both coming.

I didn't get one until 19.

But I have to tell you, it's totally normal, completely normal, and it is rare for people to come at the same time. So, there's nothing wrong with the situation. In fact, the reason why everybody thinks that simultaneous orgasms are actually a thing is because that's That's all we see in movies. And it's not that it never happens with couples, but it's definitely not going to come close each time. So, if you want to orgasm at the same time, basically you just have to have more ejaculatory control and really strong pelvic floor muscles and be able to like time it out. You can also learn to use your breath to kind of delay your orgasm and move it through your body. So, you can, if you guys work at it, make it happen, but it isn't by no means the norm. If you think about sex a little differently, if you're taking turns, that doesn't have to be a turnoff. If you're taking turns, it doesn't have to be a turnoff. So, you know, you can kind of figure out when you're going to orgasm and then he, you know, giving him pleasure can also make you orgasm. So you, there, there is pleasure in giving and receiving. So also what I recommend for you is after you have your orgasm, You could try touching yourself or using a vibrator. The first one that I ever used, and one of my favorites, um, that just sent us one, so now Jamie has one and we give to others, is the Jeju Mimi. It's such a cool toy to use with a partner. It's almost like made for it because you hold it in your hand, it's super soft, it's quiet, it's shaped like a little cute flat egg, and you can use it during penetration or any part of sex. So while you're having sex, you could easily hold on your clitoris. You can use that shaft.

And it's like, yeah, and it's like even the, the material is like really soft silicone. So it's like, it feels like even if your part, it touches your partner, like it's not going to be like a jagged thing or rough.

It's a good point. And it has those deep rumbly sensations. So yes, I can't explain. They're like, they're kind of like unlike other vibrators that are the— it's like a rumble, but it's still a vibration. I can't— it's just, it's really special. Yeah, but you're right, Jane, good point. That's maybe another reason why I love it as a couple's toy, holding it because it isn't obtrusive.

Exactly. And then I feel like too, when you're with the— like, if you're in missionary, for example, and you have it kind of like over your pelvic— your pelvic— your pubic mound. The pubic mound. Love saying that. And then it's over part of your clitoris. Like, the pressure of the partner being on top actually adds to the deep rumbly vibrations because it's like a change in pressure there. That's what I like.

Stay in place too.

Exactly, it stays in place.

I just got turned on thinking about that. I did, I did, because I love it. I love, I love that sensation of that.

I know, I'm trying to— how do we describe this deep rumbly? It's kind of like, I mean, I guess if you've ever put, like, you've sat in one of those massage chairs but then you've like really pushed down hard. Yes, in a sense, but not on like, not on them.

It's not as, it's more like Yes, exactly. Yeah, I wish I had one here. We do. I had one the other day. I had one in my purse for like a week because I like— I shot a video with it. I was like showing— I don't remember, but I was like, it was at the bottom of my bag. It's not there now. Oh, anyway, okay, so this is the Jeju Mimi. We love it. We're just excited.

I think that'll help Ingrid.

Yeah. Oh, Ingrid.

Yes.

Yeah, there's a lot more.

We got turned on, we forgot.

We got forgot. But Ingrid, we never forget about you. We just think— and also The other thing I want to say is if you, you know, you say that you're done after one orgasm, another great thing about women is we can learn how to have multiple orgasms. So maybe, you know, you're not really done.

So I'm glad she's asking this question at 18 too, because she's got, she's got like so much time. Yeah.

I'm coming. He's coming. And now we just want to, you know, it's like you're ahead of it, Ingrid. You're winning. Hashtag winning.

Okay. This next one comes from Verlin, who's 50 in Florida. Dear Dr. Emily, I've heard you talk about CBD suppositories on the show. I'm very curious what you recommend. My wife has horrible periods with terrible cramps and nothing seems to work. THC edibles did offer some relief as we experimented when we were in Washington, but I would prefer, I would prefer to use THC suppositories, but we're in Florida and that becomes more challenging. Thank you for any recommendations.

Oh, Florida. Okay. Thank you so much, Verlan, for your question. Um, I love the Foria suppositories. I mean, Jamie can tell you, Jamie's like a huge fan. Oh, they have THC and CBD, but the CBD works great. There's also Foria Awaken, which is like a pre-lube with CBD in it, but it could also be used as a balm, and that helps with cramps, with anxiety, anxious vagina, or even just have stress. That could be really good. But if you can get the THC forias in Florida. Can they get that? I mean, I don't think you can in Florida.

You can get the CBD ones for sure because CBD's everywhere. Um, I'm gonna look up Florida's THC. I don't think they have it. I think they just have like—

okay, but if you can, if you have a friend to come to California, yeah, listen, they're amazing. Like, you, you just— they help with cramps instantaneously. Now CBD, like, it's really just about the strain of CBD you get. I mean, there is a lot of CBD now in the wellness space, and it can relieve pain and lessen anxiety. We also like Papa and Barkley Relief Salves. It's called Papa and Barkley. Uh, check that out. I have that too at home.

Yeah, I like that.

And like, I put that on my muscles and stuff.

Yeah, I know, it really works for pain. And like, I even— when I don't have the Foria suppositories, I'll use Awaken just to rub on, like, for my cramps.

It was still— I use Awaken for everything. And the suppositories, I felt like a dealer. Like, my friends like, do you have any more of those suppositories? And one time we had like 5 left. I brought it to the trade I was like giving it out to my friends. They're like, oh my God, I love you. And they'd be like, do you have any more of those? They'd like pretend to see me. Oh, by the way, before I go.

Right, they were just like looking for you.

I'm not your suppository dealer. Jesus Christ. What do I look like to you? All right.

That's hilarious.

All right, so yeah, Verlyn, let us know how it goes. We're here to help. Women shouldn't have to have cramps, so much pain.

Nope, nope, nope.

Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more of your questions after this. All right, we are back. And since we got so many emails and we love hearing from you, more emails.

All right, this is from Ben, 32, in Ohio. Thanks in advance for any advice or guidance you can give me. My wife wants to spice things up by getting sex toys. I can admit that things have become a bit routine and we could use some added spice, but toys make me feel a bit inadequate and replaceable. Especially because she really wants to get a vibe and a large dildo. I'm only an average-sized guy, 6 inches, so her wanting a large dildo is intimidating. How can I get over my personal issues so my wife can try these new and exciting things? I want to be supportive and there for her, but I also want to be replaced. I can understand wanting a vibe, but why does she want to try a dildo that's so much bigger than me? Is bigger better? Thanks again for reading.

Oh, Ben, I'm so glad you emailed because you have come to the right place. Okay, so your penis is totally fine. In fact, more than fine. And for women wanting to get toys or vibes, it's never— I mean, no woman has ever said like, well, thank God I finally got this new vibrator, I broke up with my boyfriend. So it's like you're catastrophizing this scenario. So first off, you think it's like a huge vibrator, but she's probably just looking for a different experience. She's looking for variety, and it's not that she's gonna need it all the time. You guys are married. She's not gonna leave you for a toy, and I'm telling you this. Your penis— her wanting to get toys does not mean that your penis isn't satisfying her. It just means that the majority of women will not orgasm from a penis alone. 80% will not. And so, she's just looking for a little vibe, a little more internal stimulation, things to play with so she could have as much pleasure. So, essentially, toys help her have more pleasure in addition to your penis. Penis in addition to your loving. It's like this whole thing that the penis is the everything. The answer for the female pleasure is not. So I just think you got to talk to her more about it. You can even say to her, um, well, here's the thing. I feel like once you get the toy and you play with it, you haven't done it yet, you're going to be like, what was I worried about?

Exactly.

Because what happens is— this is funny, I never thought about this. Okay, I'm putting this out to listeners. I say this: no one's ever gotten a vibrator that I recommended and then called me and said, it ruined our relationship. This is 15 years. My girlfriend left me. She broke us up. Never. In fact, they've been like, oh my God, why didn't I know this? It's so hot to watch my partner get off. I like using the toy on me. Who knows? I mean, Ben, you might like the way the vibrations feel on you. Yeah, because they— so it's for everybody.

And just spitballing now that we're in creative juices flowing, she could be using the dildo inside of her and then sucking your dick. Yes. And then it's like a fake threesome.

It's a, it's a win-win. Exactly. He could be using it inside of me.

I actually want to do that.

Yeah. Right?

I need to find someone.

That's not going to be hard.

I know.

Picking out the vibrators to use will be hard. That's a dildo.

Yes.

That will be hard. Yeah. It's hot, right? Look at your mind.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

This show's turning me on. Damn it.

I know. Me too. Ben, we're so not worried about you at all, but I'm just telling you most of this, most of men's penis fears, um, are not, uh, well, penis size keeps coming up a lot lately on Instagram questions and in emails. This penis hysteria that men have— we do not care about your penis size as much as you do. So the more you can let it go and really focus on what's great about your sex life, um, with your wife and what you really love about it, how you could both have more pleasure, that's where you're going to be golden, Ben. Yeah.

And it's not like— I mean, this would be the most hilarious scenario though, but it's like you're— no one's partner has ever left them and then just started like dating their vibrator. Like posting pictures of me and my new boo, like, on Instagram.

Hilarious.

It would be so funny.

I'm going on a date tonight with my Rave, my We-Vibe Rave. I could actually do a series like that tonight. It's a, it's a Netflix and chill night with my, um, cock rings. I don't know, I mean, it's hilarious.

Oh my God, okay, we're putting a pin in that. Everyone listening, don't steal the idea. You can't. Okay.

Trademark. Okay.

All right. I think that's good. All right. This is from Michael, 40, in Ohio. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'd actually reached out to discuss this situation on air previously, but I couldn't make the appointment and things have changed a bit since then. At that time, my wife and I had been discussing introducing chastity to our marriage. She did quite a bit of research and we ended up getting the most secure form of chastity out there to prevent pulling your penis out of the device and being able to masturbate still. She wanted total control over my penis and our relationship from an orgasm standpoint. Fast forward to now, and she's been discussing making it permanent as she loves how our relationship has evolved from me being very selfish and masturbating an excessive amount to me giving her all of my attention and being much more involved in her pleasure. My question is, how dangerous would this be? She's had me locked up for the past 9 months without any release or orgasm at all. Thanks for all your help.

Wait a minute. Okay, Michael, this is not healthy that you haven't orgasmed in 9 months. So you're supposed to orgasm at least once a week if you are in a chastity belt or chastity penis, which actually don't look as uncomfortable as we thought.

Yes, we'll put a blog in the show notes.

We're going to put a blog in the show notes so you can check it out. So here's the thing. If she's not letting you orgasm, um, even when you're giving her pleasure, this is just way too much control. I don't love the language she's using in that you were selfish and, um, and that she's controlling you always. And that, you know, I just feel like it's very, um, manipulative. And it seems like it's, uh, I mean, I don't know how you feel about this, Michael. What I would love to know is like, there are men who, who when they do it in a healthy way with their partners, you know, their partner, you know, they're being essentially locked up and then they get to, the partner gets to choose when they get to be released. And it can actually enhance intimacy and more loving. And they realize that like things and, you know, it's a fun way to play in a relationship for people. But this sounds like she— this, I'm not sure yet how much pleasure you're having from this. So that's the thing. You've mentioned you're all about her, your wife, right? What are— do you like it? Now, if you're gonna tell me, you know what, I didn't come for 9 months and it feels great, I'm just wondering if it's healthy. But I just feel like, um, you know, It gives me pause. So I feel like you got to talk to your wife about it, come to a compromise. If you want to masturbate, that should not interfere with her pleasure. So maybe he got your lesson after 9 months. Can she let you out?

Yeah, I mean, doing that— I mean, I think when it— when you— because this, like, you don't want to spend the rest of your life—

well, exactly, not the permanent part either. Yeah, yeah. I think you gotta like take the chastity belt off have some time without it and really get clear on your needs and your wife needs, because I'm hearing a lot about her and not a lot about what you want. Because yes, if you decide there's parts of this that you enjoy, then you guys can work on that. It can work for couples, but you need boundaries, you need healthy communication, and watch out for that lock because it can restrict blood flow for people. Um, so be careful about that. And you want to just keep checking in. There's no aftercare here. You guys are missing the communication part. The aftercare, the release, all that stuff. So have a conversation with her, Michael.

Yeah, because I mean, I feel like once a week it's like it then becomes like a treat too, because if she like— if it becomes all one-sided, like he was selfish and now it feels like it's just selfish in the other direction.

Yeah, he's— she's like punishing him.

Yeah, yeah. It's like he could be attentive now. Like you said, after 9 months, he probably learned at least to like some attentiveness Right, so be attentive to her pleasure.

But then, yeah, like, why doesn't he ever get it back? So why is it more about, yeah, her? Something happened? Was there a cheating incident? Like, what prompted this?

Maybe he was like, he had a porn addiction or something. Yeah, I mean, it says that he was being selfish in bed, but I want to know what that looks like. Exactly.

So were you being like, I want to make sure that she's not being, uh, too controlling over you and that you're still getting to speak up for what you need, Hey Michael, when you're hearing this, I think you should just call into my show. I'm there 5 nights a week on SiriusXM. You don't need SiriusXM to call in, but it's 5 to 7 PM Pacific, 888-947-8277, because there's a lot of open questions here. Yeah, we need to talk. Mm-hmm. All right, thanks.

Okay, this next one's from Brittany, who's 29 in Idaho. Dr. Emily, help! I've always had a very active sex life before my husband, and he had never done more than kiss a woman before me. He loves going down on me, but not until after we have sex, which I've never had before. I've always gotten off before sex. I've told him multiple times I'd rather have him go down on me before, as it also makes sex better for me. He sometimes will go down for a little bit, then I'm guessing he gets anxious and then we have sex and then he'll please me after. I just don't like this as much. Is this normal? I just don't understand why he's always trying to have sex first, then go down. So frustrating.

All right, Brittany, this is a great question. Um, it's probably just because he doesn't have a lot of knowledge about this, and I love that you're speaking up about it. And you guys have to just learn to communicate. And if your husband is interested, I think you guys could read together— get the book She Comes First. It's by Ian Kerner, and it explains why this is important for most heterosexual couples. Men are going to most certainly have an orgasm, where women, we typically need to have foreplay. We need to have more oral sex, clitoral stimulation, and we're not going gonna typically orgasm during penetration. And so that just explains it for you, so he can understand that, like, giving to you will— you will— he will certainly get even more back. And who knows, maybe you could have another orgasm, another orgasm once you're warmed up. So check out the book. Also, I know you've told him this before, but here's what happens in the sex conversations. We really have to, like, spell it out for our partner sometimes, and we need to do it a few times. So you can just let him know that it's a really turn-on when he makes you orgasm with oral before penetration. Penetration, because then you enjoy the actual lovemaking more. And the best time to do it is when you're not in the bedroom, and you don't want to use the 'you never go down on me' or 'you only want to come first' and all those things. It's much better to say something like, 'I feel so much better about our sex life when I can, you know, orgasm from, you know, oral first, and then the rest of sex just makes it so much hotter.' Like, if you tell him that rather let me come for— he won't hear it. But if you explain, like, it makes me feel, and this is what we— the sex is hot and all that, and it might take a few times. I think so. So you could also ask him in this conversation, like, what is it about it? Like, maybe you mentioned that he has anxiety. I think that's a trained response that many men have to sex. They're like, well, I have my erection, it's going to go away, and so if I go down on you, I'm going to lose my erection and it might never come back. Yeah. And that's a— that's That's, that's the thing. That's why I think they rush because that's their experience. You know, maybe, maybe women changed their mind and they had to rush or like maybe I think that men, when they're going down on women, sometimes they're really in their head about it. So then they lose their erection. But in She Comes First, um, he's going to learn how to actually get pleasure by giving you pleasure. Yeah.

So this whole erection thing, and then he'll go to heaven as those men do.

That was like the best incentive ever. For her to want to go to heaven, that all the men who love oral are in heaven.

I mean, they gotta be, or who not—

who love it and they're good. Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful. Jamie, I love you. Jamie Pittenger, my amazing producer for the last 4 years. She said her 4-year anniversary.

Oh, I love you too.

I love you, Jamie. You are amazing. And so my listeners, you guys, thank you all for your questions and thank you for everything. And thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Heather, Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.

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