Sexual Exploration & Mutual Masturbation

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20% off@sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm helping you get out of your head to enjoy sex all the way through. Topics include the thoughts that are totally common to have during sex and how to get past them. Whether or not to explore your bisexuality when the sex is gone from your marriage, how to navigate online dating without getting unsolicited junk pics, and ways to make mutual masculine a part of your sex routine. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com see all the posts we put up there, the blogs you can easily subscribe to the podcast everywhere you listen to podcasts. We love when you comment and subscribe on itunes. That makes everything a whole lot easier. And if you haven't yet, you gotta check me out on SiriusXM Radio Stars channel 109. I'm there weekdays Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East. Whew. What a month it's been there. I am loving it, you guys. I get to really reach so many more of you every day, helping you with your sex and relationships. You got to check it out if you have SiriusXM. If you want a free 30 day trial, visit sexwithemily.comsxm or you can. Guys, listen, to be honest, you can just call in because I'm the doc on duty at those times every night. Triple 894-782-77. As always, follow us on all social media. Sex with Emily across the board. So this show today is going to be some of our SiriusXM, our best of our calls, which I think you're gonna enjoy. But also what's been really cool that you guys have been emailing me lately with some of your success stories that have really blown us away. Because I know you guys email and you're like, oh, we love the show and it's been so helpful and great. I'm always like, what specifically? What happened? What was so great? And it just warms our heart. And then tonight I was ending my my SiriusXM show and our final call tonight was a man. And he had been married to his wife for 22 years. And he called to tell me thank you. And he said, emily, I took your advice and what I did was I focused on the things I appreciate about my wife and not all the things that drove me crazy. And he said, and she noticed after a week. And I said, what do you mean tell me more, Jay. He said, well, I used to come home and I'd say, what are your shoes in the way? And you didn't move your car out of the driveway. And now I just tell her what, I love her and she looks beautiful and how can I help her? And then she said to me, what's going on? You seem different. And I said, well, did you hear about, I've been listening to this Sex with Emily show and she's been telling me these things and I've learned a lot. And he said, I'm trying to get her to listen together. And then the next thing he said was that he did this thing where he put rose petals through the house and Said, just follow to the end of the rose petals. And he drew her bath. And I thought, wow, you know, 63 years old. And he's like, you know that you can always bring it back, guys. It's never too late. And the cool thing about appreciation is especially this time of year, it's busy, we're stressed, we're just wired to go to the negative. Like it was a survival mechanism left over from our developing brains from our ancestors. And so we used to have to worry, what's going on and scan the environment, like, is everybody going to get eaten by a cheetah or is the roof going to fall in? So we worry, we look at bad things, we look at things that are not going well. But if you could just say, you know what? I actually appreciate, even if you have to do it in your head, like, God damn it, why is he late again? And you go, God, you know what, I really appreciate that he's such a great dad. Or I really appreciate, you know, that she always remembers, send my mom birthday card. Or she always brings me home my favorite cookies, whatever. Like, what are the things that you love about your partner? I'm telling you, it adds up over time. If you put all that good stuff in your head and then you share that with your partner, you're going to realize that you're going to end up with a lot more appreciation and a lot less anger and hate. So let's just try it all, try it for a week, see how it goes. Let me know. I hope you enjoy the show. So some of the things we're gonna get into here, I thought this would be interesting to all of you because we all know that sex can be fun and funny, but it can also be awkward, embarrassing and nerve wracking. For sure, we all get weirded out by sex. So as often we're here to tell you that a lot of things that we're tripping out about are not a big deal and are typically very normal. So here's some thoughts that are completely normal to have before you actually have sex. You might be thinking about, how do I look? I think a lot of us can, men and women. We can imagine that we're thinking before sex. Oh, I haven't been working out lately. I haven't been to the gym. I've gained. Or just in general. Does he notice my cellulite? What are all the things? Is my left boo bigger than my right boo? When we like, we freak out. And when we're doing that and we're freaking out about Body image and concerns. These are all going to be the little things that happen. Little detractors that are going to take away from you being present and actually having great sex. So if you are distracted by these thoughts, instead of freaking out about it, I'm going to say, do what I always say. And that is stop the thoughts and focus on what's happening in the moment with your partner. If you keep going back to how I look and you're moving your body and it's awkward, your partner's gonna feel that you're not comfortable. And then you're both gonna be distracted. So try to just appreciate that moment and be focused. And your partner's in bed with you because they love you.

Yeah.

And they wanna be with you.

And I think it's like when you have. When you are in your head and you're nervous and you're thinking that, and then your partner's looking at you and they're like, oh, my God, I'm doing something wrong. What am I doing? So it's just like this, like, anxiety loop.

It is an anxiety loop of just.

Like, back and forth. Cause of, like, facial expressions and things like that.

And we always think that it's us. Like, if I was worried, I'm like, covering up or pulling away. Like, because you're our body language, you guys, we can't hide it. Our body language says so much before we. Even more than even our faces and our body language can say even more than our words. So if I'm worried and I'm turning away, my partner be like, why is she not feeling intimate with me? Why is she turning away? It's because I'm worried about what I look like. So another thing is that's normal to think about is, will I be good at sex? How good am I at sex? Am I doing the right thing? And remember that, you guys, when we are turned on during sex, think about it. You're naked and aroused. That's when we're the most vulnerable. That's when you find us vulnerable. Yet of course we're going to have nervous thoughts and we're going to be worried if we're any good at sex. But my best tip for not feeling nervous during sex is to remember that every moment that you're having sex, you're in a new situation. Because every moment is new. If you focus on the moment, like, what does this moment call for? Or, like, what needs to happen, like, to be any good at sex. It's really not the kind of thing you could study in the Sense of. A lot of it happens in the present moment. So is your partner responding to your touch? Is their breath quickening? Is their cheeks flushing? Are they into it? You can tell it's not so much about the moves that it is paying attention because they'll tell you if something hurts or you can even ask if they want something more.

Yeah, I mean, I think the only time that you really. If someone's like, oh, this is hurting me, that's like, really the only time you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. But also, they should tell you, hey, this hurts. Because I think a lot of people can, like, like, can he tell that, like, this is not feeling good? It's like, no.

No, they can't. In fact, your partner thinks it feels amazing. Unless you say anything, they're gonna assume that everything feels great. And since women, you guys, I'm gonna harp on this, and we're gonna have some experts on the show in the coming weeks, coming months. Because I just think it's really important to kind of help men and women with all the challenges we have around sex. I'm not saying sex has to be easy. In a walk in the park, there's always going to be challenges. But one of them is that 80% of women at some point in their life and some all the time have pain. And we also normalize that. And your partner does not know unless you tell them. They're also assuming you're having orgasms all the time unless you tell them that you're not. So that's all on you. Am I comfortable? Are you comfortable? Are you okay with what's happening? Is it consensual? Is there anything you're uncomfortable with? And I think, again, I can get tripped up in my head, like, oh, like, I'm not. What would I not be comfortable with during sex? Can you think of what stuff you haven't been comfortable with before? Like, if I'm cold even, or is my vibrator nearby? Do I have condom lubed?

Sometimes. Okay. I guess for me, sometimes what will happen is my partner will be leaning his weight on me in a certain way sometimes, and in his mind, completely not aware. But to me, for some reason, I'm like, how are you not aware that you were, like, gonna. About to break my wrist right now by accidentally. Wrist is turning blue, you know, so. But I have to let him know. I'm like, hey, like, can we move? Like, I can't feel my arm.

Oh, you're like. You're a martyr. You wait Till it's like turning blue, right? Your heart, it hurts, right?

I'm like, no, he's gonna move in a second, he's gonna move. I'm just gonna wait. You know, wa. Hits that one stride. But no, you always have to bring it up.

You gotta bring it up. And also, if you're just not comfortable because maybe something, right? Either it's a physical pain, you're about to have to amputate your arm, or you're just not comfortable. This could be if you're not in a relationship, but you're dating, or you're in a casual relationship and you're with someone, you're like, God, the last few times I've been with this person, it didn't feel great. And here I find myself at their house again, or we're out again, and I'm not sure I want to have sex. And I remember feeling as a woman, like I felt like there were times I didn't want to have sex. Like, not in a terrible way, but just like I was dating someone I knew was ending whatever it is. And I thought, it's harder to say no to sex. I might as well just have sex. Because to say no and to explain why I don't want to felt bad. But now with all that I know about consent and how to actually recognize if your body is on board with what you want to do with your brain and your body, I would be like. I would say to someone now, like, you know, I'm actually not feeling this. I think if that people pleasing. I wouldn't want someone not to like me, even if we're, you know, by pulling back and having sex. So I think it really ask yourself, are you mentally and physically comfortable?

I feel like that's like a message that kind of gets lost too sometimes, especially for women and for men. I've actually like seen some things where men have like unwanted sex because it's like, of society and stuff. It's like, it's like they should just be wanting it if someone's offering it. But I think in this society of like, where women are taught to say no as like a form of like, I guess, like, you know, like no.

Means yes or just say no.

Like how sometimes women are like taught to say no and it's like kind of on them whether or not they have the sex in that sense, but like not in a good way.

Right.

I feel like that gets lost in the sense that women then do want to be people pleasers in there. Like, it's gonna be so Hard to tell them.

I don't want hardest feelings. Yeah, yeah. And also that's why women fake orgasms too. It all comes back to that too. Like, we don't want that partner to feel bad that we're not gonna get there. But enough of that, you guys. I think that the more stuff purposeful, intentional and enjoyable sex we have, the better sex life we're gonna have. So sex is great. We should say no. Okay. The other thing is, you guys, I think we all think about this. Will I have an orgasm? Is it gonna be good? Am I gonna have an orgasm and no one knows? There's not like an O predictor. I guess if I use my toys, I pretty much know I'm gonna get there.

That would be a cool thing, though.

What? Tell me.

Like an O predictor. Like somehow you can tell like, it's gonna happen.

I know, right? There's something. If you're. If you're like. Or no, if your brain is tied up to one of those, like, EKGs or something, those machines, you're like, will she O? That'd be so great. You're like, babe, not gonna happen tonight. It's like your ovulation schedule. Like your O schedule. Not gonna have no. Like sunny with a chance of no O. We are out. But it's true. The more comfortable you are with your partner and telling them if you're gonna have an orgasm or not. But here, don't focus on the orgasm. Is my point too.

Yeah, if you're not gonna.

Who cares? Intimacy, sex, Kidding. Kiddling, kissing and cuddling is kiddling.

I like that.

Let's coin that I'm making. I'm telling you, I just am so loquacious. Wait, so if you guys. So here's.

If your mind is wandering, you guys, here's the point. Before sex, that is common, that's going to happen. Your mind is wandering before, during, and after. And so I'm just acknowledging it, either saying, okay, I'm having these thoughts. They're not necessarily true, they're not necessarily what's real. I'm going to breathe and go back to the moment. Or letting your partner know, no, I'm not comfortable, or I'm not sure I can have an orgasm. You'd be amazed at speaking the truth, how much that can help you with sex when it's not done in a blaming, shaming way. It's like, here's my reality now I'm worried about the orgasm. I'm worried about what you know. Or just really most important thing for all These things, when your brain is involved with sex, it's your most. Even though your brain's the largest sex organ, we can impact that another time. But when your brain is worrying of all these thoughts, you're going to be having less orgasms and less pleasurable sex. All right, guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back your calls.

All right, we have Eric. He's 40, in Arkansas, and he's a straight male, but he has bisexual fantasies.

All right. Hey, Eric.

Hey, Emily. I love your show. Thanks for taking my call.

Of course. Thank you, Eric. Thanks for calling.

I. I have a question. I'll kind of give you a little bit of background. I've been bi, curious, kind of for about 20 years.

Okay.

Married, just normal, straight guy. Took me a long time to figure out that I'm really not like gay because I have these up. And I thought, well, man, maybe I am gay, but I'm not. I figured that out and that's fine. I'm comfortable in that. But I have curious that. I'm just extremely curious. I like. Yeah, I like watching porn. If the opportunity ever presented itself, yeah, I might do it. But I'm not gonna cheat on my wife. I have no desire to go out and do all that stuff. I watch some bi gay porn stuff and I really enjoy it. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty.

All right.

Is it. Is it wrong for me to have this kind of secret life even though I'm not doing anything completely?

Yeah, it is, Eric. It's really common that we just have these fantasies that we feel shame and we feel like it's secretive and we don't want to share with our partner. So. Yes, that is very typical. I think a lot of us have things that we don't feel great about. So I wouldn't even say that it's a secret life. I don't think that you've done anything wrong by having these fantasies and watching the porn. But what I would love is if. I don't know. How long have you been with your wife?

Around 12 years.

12 years. I mean, do you think it's something. Are you ready to kind of try it or no, you'd rather just keep it as a fantasy?

Oh, I would love to try it. I mean, if it was the opportunity and I.

Do you think she'd be. Have you talked to her about it?

No, she's not open to that stuff. I mean, she's pretty straight laced.

Does she know? Right.

Really not into sex at all, to be honest. Really? She's Not. It's. Sex isn't her thing. We go quite a long time without sex. Pretty. Pretty rare. But. Well, she has some issues in her past that I accept that and I don't. I don't try to change that about her, which. That's okay, but.

Okay, so she's not really into. And you haven't shared that you have these fantasies with her, correct?

No, not at all.

Okay, so here's the thing, Eric. I also think that maybe you've also. You guys aren't having sex at all. How often are you having sex?

It's been about a year.

Okay, so Cecil for a couple, like, that just makes me. I want you guys to be, you know, have sex more often. It's just part of having a healthy sex life. It also makes sense, Eric, that your fantasies are probably becoming a lot more intense. Maybe you're watching porn more because you're a man, like, you know, woman. We all need to have sexual, you know, fulfillment. And so there's a lot here to unpack because I know you said you don't want to bother her about what happened when her issues. But I think that, you know, if she was open to it, going to therapy and discussing any issues would be really important. Or going into therapy together. Because here's the thing. I understand that we can all make say, like, you could be with your wife and be like, you know what? It's okay. Sex is important. We're best friends. We care for each other. If you have kids, you're like, we're great parents, but the sex is important in a relationship. And so I kind of want you guys to work on that if you can. But also this fantasy, if she's just totally shut down to it or. Either way, I would like her to know that you have this fantasy. So you can. If you can actually live, act it out if she would be open to it or you'd be into it. But it sounds like there's gonna be some more communication that needs to go on with both of you. Like, if you guys have never talked about sex, I'm assuming you haven't really talked about it.

We do. We do talk about quite a bit.

Okay, good, good, good. So what kind of things do you guys talk about?

Well, we.

It.

It's kind of weird because it kind of goes up and down. Sometimes we talk a lot about it, sometimes we don't talk about it. We joke with each other sometimes some funny things. And I don't know, we don't really. She's not really into talking about what she likes, what I like, things like that. It's more.

Well, like I said, kind of jokes and talking. Well, we might try it again or we might do this again, right? Really, what she likes is not. Or what I like is not really open for discussion.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I would love to see that open for discussion with you guys, because typically it's not open for discussion because she's never talked about it with anyone. And she might not even know what turns her on, which is really common. So everything that you're talking about now happens to a lot of couples like you just. But it's really important, I think, like, you want to be with her, right, for the rest of your life. I mean, this is your wife and your woman. So there just needs to talk about it more. Let her know how much, you know, you love her and you'd love to get to a place where you guys are both being really satisfied. And so maybe you start out with, like. Cause I don't like that it's shut down. That she will never talk about. But it could take some coaxing. Like, she doesn't have to answer you tonight, you know, if you bring it up and don't bring it up in the bedroom. But maybe when next time you guys are out to dinner or you're just kind of relaxed lying around the house, you could just say kind of like, I love. I love you, baby. I love having sex with you. But I want to get back to. I want to get to a place where we're both really satisfied sexually. What could we do here? I want to work with you. And then you could have time to bring up your fantasies. So if you're ready. There's nothing wrong with you fantasizing about being bisexual or if you think you are. But I want you guys to work on your sex life together. And then maybe you'll find out that there'll be a good time for you to let her know what you're into, and you'll find out more what she's into. Because you have nothing to lose here, right? All you have to gain now is that your sex life could get better and you could, you know, get closer together. And just because she's not open now doesn't mean that she won't be down the line. It's not a fixed state. Okay. Thanks, Eric. Because it's important. It really is. It matters. So. All right.

I wish it would be better. And I work on it really, really hard. I've worked on that for several years.

Well, it sounds like it.

Maybe we're turning the corner. But I. Sometimes I feel guilty. Like gee, you know, she's trying, I'm trying and that I have other thing going on. So I'm not for real. But just.

No, I get it. But it makes sense. Eric, I'm gonna tell you're not doing anything wrong at all. So there's no. I don't think you should have the guilt. God, we have so much guilt in life. Like you should not have guilt about this. But it sounds like you've been trying and trying and it sounds like you need to get her. It shouldn't be a one way street. Right. Because you're both in your sexual. It's a relationship. Both of you create this connection together. So maybe just changing up the tactic and getting her to talk more and you'll figure it out, Eric. But just keep going with it. You're gonna get what you want. Just takes work. Thanks a lot. Thanks Eric, for calling Sex with Emily.

We have Laura from Pennsylvania. She's 27 and wants to know the best way to go about online dating.

Oh, okay. Hey Lara, thanks for calling.

Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call.

Of course. It's a good time. Online dating. Talk to me. Yeah.

Yeah. So I've been single for a little while now and all of my friends are married or engaged or engaged to be engaged. That whole thing. And I am tired of being alone.

Yeah.

And I'm. I. And I want to try online dating. I'm. I don't. I work a lot, so it's hard for me to go out and meet a lot of people. And I'm not. I'm sort of over that whole bar scene kind of thing. And I'm thinking online dating the best bet for me. But I just. I just don't know how to go about doing it with like. It can be so overwhelming. You can get so many creepers. You can get.

Yeah, that's a really good question. No, I love this because. Yeah.

And how to not get like the sex thing right away. Like the guys will send you the big pic.

Yeah.

And everything. I just, I don't need that.

I agree. No, I'm so glad to see. This is such a great question because we're all dating online right now. Now here's the thing. I mean, many people are dating online and I think it's great. I think it's a numbers game. I think that if you really want to meet someone, you should date online. You should meet people in real life. You should let everyone know that you're single if you're really looking for a partner, but starting to date online. So here's the thing you want to create. I mean, there's so many choices now. There's like the swipe apps, right? So Bumble is really popular. That's where the women have to make the first move on a match. So you're really not going to get as many creepers. You might, but you have to message them first. If you both match. I can talk. Do you know which apps you're going to go on? Because I would say just kind of explore. People really like Hinge right now. Coffee meets bagel. People are really enjoying that. One.

Happen is one like if you. If you live in a town like H, A, P, P, N, where people who often cross your path. So there's a lot of different apps. You can find that out. But what you want to do with online dating is make sure that you ask some friends maybe to help you put a few pictures up that make you feel good, show that you're, you know, maybe the things you love doing. If you're active or you hike or you speak or play piano. Apparently we just read a study today, if you have a dog, that women who show their dogs in their dating photos get more matches. So that's just. Maybe you could borrow a friend's dog. Good to know you have a dog. Oh, there you go. 69% more matches if you have a dog as one. So about messaging. So here's my belief with it. So I understand that you're having fears around it because you haven't done it yet, but you realize you'll get into a rhythm. So my thing is like, I want to make sure if a guy messages me like that he's read my profile. He's not just like, hey. Because I have no time for hey. Like, at least make a comment. So we both went to University of Michigan or I see you like hiking. I have. That looks like a trail. I want to pay attention. So know that you've said something. And then I like to message back. But here's where I cut off Lara. I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth. And then if it turns into sexting right away, I'm like, out. You can block them, you can cut them off. I like to say that I will message for a few times, but then I say, let's meet or let's talk on the phone. Which I think sounds kind of bold. But some people are like, oh, no way. I don't even talk on the phone to my mother, but to me, you can save a lot of time by not having to get up, get ready, go meet someone when you're, like, not into them. So I think even talking on the phone for a few minutes to vet them. But make sure that process is quick. Like, you don't want it to go on for three weeks. Like, there's some people we hear from, they're like, well, we're in love. We've never met, but we've been messaging for a month or something. So I think that you can pretty much have control of it, you know, without. You can kind of learn to avoid those people. And they're not just hookup apps too. I feel like when people worry about that, that's another thing they throw. Sure. People are dating on Tinder. And Tinder, I think Tinder is great too, because I think you can control your messaging. Like, if you're not available for hooking up, you could say no hookups. You could just not respond to people who make it seem like that's what they want. So I feel like if you're smart about it, you can kind of cultivate an online dating behav. That will work for you.

That's awesome advice because I always think, like, oh, just they're all going to.

Be texting and everything like that.

And no, not that.

That I'm not into that. But, you know, I want to. I want to get to know you first before I start seeing pictures of you.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want your dick pic or anything like that. Right. I get it. And I. So I. Like I said, I feel like if you're smart about it, like, you can just block them. It's done. And you control the message. You control when you see them. Like, you let them know, like, I'm not into this, let's pick up the phone. And then you could see who's serious, who's not. If they just, you know. So I think you'll know once you start. But I love that you're just. Just do it like, and then you could fine tune it. If you're like, this profile wasn't great. I'll rewrite what I'm saying here and you'll just learn through the process. Talk to your friends who have done it. I think we have. Might have some stuff on our website@sexfamily.com about online dating, maybe. I think we do had some tips. We've done some podcasts about it too. So good luck. Lara. If you want to call back once you get your profile up. I can help you as you move along. I'm here every night, so forget all the warnings. Just do it. And trust your gut. Thanks, Lara. Thanks for calling. Sex with Emily. I think we know people. Like, we can kind of tell, like, if someone's going off in a direction, doesn't feel good. Like, trust your gut with these things. Don't waste your time.

And you can find love. I have a friend. I have a friend. They're madly in love. Mad on, Bumble.

Yeah, People find love on. It's not even like this anomaly anymore. Like, people are finding love, sustainable love online, because it is a numbers game. And you. And you will just simply meet more people that way. You might have to date a hundred people, but you're gonna find someone more likely than sitting home and scrolling through Instagram. So that's how I feel about that. I love online dating, though. We also have some great tips. We could also do online dating tips. We've got some good things about profiles and what to say and what not to say.

Okay. We have Jessica, 37, in Mississippi, and she wants to make her sex life better when she's dealing with trauma.

All right. Hey, Jessica, thanks for calling.

Hi, can you hear me?

Yes, I got you. Hi.

Yeah, I actually met my husband through a dating site, so that's awesome. I'm married and been married for five years.

Great.

I guess I deal with a lot of.

I do in home services for counseling, and I deal with a lot of kids who've dealt with trauma. So there's a lot of secondary trauma and dealing with my own traumas, I guess.

Okay.

So it interferes with my sex life and being intimate with my husband. And he's normally the initiator. And that obviously for him is frustrating. He's like, I want you to initiate. I want you to make the effort. But me, it's not so much.

Yeah, nothing with. Now I get it. The initiation thing can be a thing in relationships. Like, figuring out, like, what does that mean? And how do I even know when I want to have sex? And I'm used to him initiating. But first, let's go back to the trauma for a second. So was it a sexual trauma?

Yes. I was sodomized at a very young age.

Oh, Jessica, I'm sorry to hear that. Have you had any treatment around it?

I'm actually in therapy right now.

Great.

I have, like, it's secondary eating disorder off of the. Off of the trauma. So I'm dealing with a lot. It's not just the trauma, I guess, per se, with the sex stuff. It's all also body image stuff. And yeah, it's deeper and it's festered. So it's like when I do have sex, it's obligatory almost. It's like, oh, it's my duty. This is what I do. I don't really enjoy it.

Got it.

And I guess that's part of.

Yeah, you're like, I'm not gonna initiate it because, yeah, I don't even enjoy this. So the further I can stay away. So have you ever. Has there been a period in your life where you felt like you did enjoy sex?

Maybe when I first got married.

Okay.

I was married before and I got divorced. Think that has nothing to do with it too.

But.

Right, right.

I mean, it never was enjoyable to the point of, you know, having orgasms. The only way I've ever had an orgasm is through, you know, masturbation.

That's awesome though. So I would say, here's what I would say to you is that it seems like. And I'm so glad you're in therapy working on all this, you know, trauma, working on the eating disorders. I mean, that's all tied in body image. So I mean, my prescription, the number one, I think would say is masturbation. And like self love, like really doing more of that. And when you're masturbating, like, figure out what is turning you on, what gets you in the mood, like, where does your mind go? Do fantasies. It is true that the more women really, like masturbate because it is self love. Hashtag self love. Because then you realize, wow, my body can give me such pleasure and it can make me feel really good. And it also can help you get into the mood. Masturbation will help you realizing, like your body is this beautiful thing that can help you have pleasure. So is that something that you think you might want to do more often? Or you could also do it with your partner, with your husband, Mutual masturbation.

He's open to anything.

Well, it sounds like. Yeah, well, it sounds like you were really loving a husband. So here's the other thing you might ask about, the initiation thing. You could say to him. I know you want me to initiate more. I mean, hopefully. I think it sounds like you've shared your stuff with him. You could say, I'm not sure what that looks like. Or that's more challenging. Can you tell me what initiating looks like to you? And he might say, I just want you to kiss my neck. Or I just want you to Text me that when you get home. Tonight, we're gonna have sex. I mean, it looks different to everyone, and sometimes we just need more information. When our partners put down a declaration like that.

That'S such a simple answer. A huge problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, There you go. I would ask him tonight and say, babe, I want to please. Like, I wanted to shave, but with all my stuff going on, I just need to know from you, what does it look like? And then you guys could start a conversation and that might just be like, okay, I'm gonna start with this one thing. He said he wants me to kiss his neck. I'm going to kiss his neck. You know what I'm saying? And then it makes it easier for you. Yeah. To get it going. Yeah, There you go. A lot of this stuff is. I'm just here to help you guys. You know, it can be simple. We just got to act on it, you know? Okay.

I like your show.

Thank you, Jessica. Well, let me know how it goes. Okay. I'll be here for you every night. I'm here for you all. A lot of it is stuff. Maybe it is simple. You're right. It's little things, you guys, little talks. Communication is lubrication. The more we talk about it, the better sex we're gonna have. Okay, everyone, thanks for listening to the show. I appreciate you all. And to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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