Sexual Likes, Dislikes & Stereotypes

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. I Feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, you can find everything@sexwithemily.com you can also subscribe wherever you listen to the podcast that totally helps us. We love when you review. You know, the podcasts are available everywhere now. Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, iTunes, all over the place. Also find me on SiriusXM Radio Stars channel 109. I am there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm for your listening pleasure, Pacific time. And oh my God, it's been so fun reaching everyone. So you guys can just call in or get a free three month trial. Do that. Sexwithemily.com sxm or listen, if you don't wanna do that, just call in 888947 8277. I will be taking your calls 10 hours a week. How's that? And you know I love talking to all of you. All right, follow me on social media also at Sex with Emily across the board and enjoy the show. So this is a study that came out or story, which I've heard this in recent years, but I love when things get scientifically proven.

Me too. Science and sex just go together so well.

They do, they really, really do. And we're gonna be doing our own studies here, our own polls, which we'll keep you updated on. But this is that women get bored in bed faster than men. How about that? Blowing your mind out of water, which I've known this in my heart and soul. Not that we get bored, I mean like that we're always bored. Let me break this down for you. So the study suggests that women grow disinterested in sex with a long term sexual partner faster than men. And the thing about why I find this interesting is because I think this also flies in the face of what we often believe when we talk about myths around sex or things that we all kind of believe is that men, men are hungry for variety and they want, they get bored and they need to have sex with somebody else and women just want attention and love and all those things which, you know, that all of that is true in many cases. But the study shows that if the women have been together more than a year and they live with their partner, they feel less sexual desire. So what does that mean? It means that we get bored in a monogamous relationship because we actually crave variety and While men are okay with the kind of sex they're having, we lose desire first. But what happens is. And you guys know if you've been listening, we lose desire, but we don't know how to talk about it. We have a hard time accepting. Women sometimes have a hard time accepting that they want more sex than their partners because we've all told that women are. I'm talking about stereotypes here. Women are frigid. Not tonight, honey. I have a headache. And it's men who are more like, I want sex all the time. So when women feel like, God, I want sex more, we automatically blame ourselves and think, like, well, that's really weird. That's not normal. I don't want to offend my partner. You know, we've been told that men want it more, so we just kind of decide. Decide not to say anything many times. And then the sex life just grows into something that's really kind of more comfortable and predictable. And because women, we want more sex and we want it to change, but we don't know how to ask for it. And we don't even know sometimes what that looks like. To want more sex than a partner, to want a different kind of sex. And so this is another example how women sometimes repress our desires. We press what we want in bed, and we're kind of taught to squash it in many ways that.

We just feel like we won't. We'll be rejected if we stand up and ask for what we want. And that.

We know that we want variety, but we don't know how to bring it to the relationship. Which is why we are here to help you figure that out, to figure out how to ask for what you want. That you're totally fine if you want more sex than your partner, but how do we work around it? And another interesting thing here, it says, and this is so true, the first time we have sex with someone new, we have an anxiety, right? Or the first few times, we're afraid they're gonna reject us. Like, maybe they won't want to be with us anymore. Maybe they won't show up. And then finally, when we're comfortable in the relationship, we never want to live with that insecurity anymore. We're like, I've got someone. I'm settled down. They like having sex with me. Why rock the boat? Yeah, I don't want to rock the boat. If I bring it up, I. We're so afraid of. At the end of the day, in many areas of life, the reason why we don't speak up Men and women, we're afraid to be rejected and that ultimately we're not lovable. That's like the human condition.

Yeah.

Full of.

Do you think also that in the beginning, because it's new, it just feels like it's good and then when time goes by that they're like, oh, crap, if I bring this up now, they're going to think this entire time has been terrible.

Yes, absolutely. We're so sensitive to words, and then we're so sensitive to words around sex. So anytime we get any feedback around sex, a lot of us just turn it and think, well, what am I doing wrong? I've been messing up the whole time. It's been really bad. My partner's not heavy. So, yeah, we. We do. We don't say anything because we are afraid of that bringing it up. And the interesting thing is that also this point, I like this, the bottom line, bring as much variety as possible into relationship so the sexual activity remains interesting. So compared to water park, if you always do the same slides, you're gonna end up bored. If you're always doing the same things, you end up bored.

Yeah. And then you go. It's like just kind of going through the motions. And then it's like, are you even. I don't think either partner really thinks about why they're even doing it the same way each time.

Right. Because they don't know other options to get out of it either. Like. And like, what you were just asking me what you just said, which I didn't get to, was about how women. What did you say? In my brain. Women who don't. Well, it's because they're like, we're afraid at the beginning. It's always great. Yeah, it's always great. You guys, this whole honeymoon phase, it's great in the beginning. The same reason, like, the opposite is true. So it's great in the beginning because it's new and novel and it is varied. You've never done doggy style with this person. You've never had an orgasm with this person. You've never had sex outside. There's all these firsts, and that's novelty and that's different and exciting in the newness, early stages. So you, maybe you. Maybe you are having better sex. It might not be the best sex, the most pleasurable sex, but that you're stimulated because it's new stimuli, it's new information, new stuff. And then six months go by, year, you move in, and then you're like, oh, yeah, no, it's not. It's not that it wasn't great or whatever, but you got kind of bored of it, and you don't know how to bring it. Keep it spicy, keep it interesting. You don't know how to keep doing things and talking about it so you don't get bored. It is possible, you guys. That's what I'm here to tell you, is that it is possible to dig yourself out of a sexual rut. It is possible to figure out what you actually want in bed and what you want in a relationship and then communicate that effectively so you won't be rejected. And you can even do it in a way that your partner's going to get on board, because your partner should get on board with the plan of wanting to have better sex. I think that's a. That's a fine goal for every relationship.

I mean, it should be.

Yeah. So what do you.

What do you say to people? Because, you know, there have been times where we've had callers call in or people email in to us and they say that, you know, I want to spice things up or I want. And I've tried to talk to my partner and ask them, and they've just like, like, no, I'm completely fine with how our sex life is. Like, do you think that, like, that's actually true? Those people are actually really content with doing the same thing, and they've been together for five years.

I think if you scratch the surface, that most people's first reaction are gonna be like, everything's fine. It's great. And they might actually believe that because they've never once even questioned that maybe sex isn't as great. And then if they ever have, even their brain has gone to the point where maybe it could be better, they shut down. They repress it, because they're like, I wouldn't even know what to do with making my sex life better or more interesting. So it's a lot easier to say, everything's great. I love it. And so my point is, yeah, it could be great. But I don't know. I look at it like life. Like, I'm the kind of person who's always learning. I'm always taking new therapy classes, sex courses, reading, learn. I'm always growing. Even though I'm the expert in many ways, I don't think I'm ever done learning. And I feel that way about exercise. I don't do the same thing every day because I want to mix that up, too. So it's just the way we learn. So I think to get upset in Any way in your. If you guys go out to eat at the same restaurant every night, you do the same exact thing all the time. And anyway, you're gonna get bored. So I think that people who say, no, it's great. I don't eat anything. I think that that's sad to me, because I feel like if you really take a look at it, it might be even great. You might even say, emily, it's the best sex of my life. But I'm gonna argue with you that, yeah, that's great. But what about making it even better? More pleasurable? What if there's something else I could teach you that would guarantee that you and your partner will always be.

Into sex and working on it and looking at ways to make. Keep it alive and keep it interesting.

What do you say to people? Because this has also come up. And I always think it's interesting because it's like. It's almost like forming a new habit, but not making the habit the same all the time, because people will be like, well, I said something. And then that next time we had sex, it was awesome. And then after that, just went back to the same old stuff.

And you got to bring it up that the second it goes back to the other stuff, you bring it up again. This is the main thing, you guys. The sex conversation does not happen once. It happens a lot. And it happens in a way that you both feel comfortable with, even if it's awkward at first, but you'll get into your own groove of how to talk about it. So, yeah, if it doesn't happen, how much better is it in the moment or in that? In that. But the next day, to be like, oh, I loved two weeks ago how you made that effort to initiate. And that felt so good. And I'd love to keep that going. You always want a positive reinforcement. I mean, I guess we're all afraid also being nagging. Like, people called in the other night. They're like, we had a ton 10 years ago, we had the conversation. I just think that's. That's not enough.

You know, what are the statute of limitations?

Yeah, like 10 years ago, I don't remember what happened 10 minutes ago. I don't like if we had a conversation. Maybe we had it. So I remember. And a lot of times it's kind of like when you go to the sex conversations initially reminded people go to a doctor and you're getting, like, a diagnosis or they're telling you something about your health. We often only hear, like, 30% of what they're Saying, so if you. If it's the first time you've talked to your partner about sex, something, they might have been, like, half freaked out, what am I doing wrong in their brain? And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, I want to please you. And then they miss it, and they don't want to bring it up again. So just remember it's like that. It's like a. It's a. It's an intense conversation that can elicit a lot of fear in people. But ultimately, if you just keep bringing it up in a loving way, it's gonna work out. So, Jamie, I've been thinking. Picking a new toy is kind of like finding a partner. I mean, if you're gonna spend that much time together in the bedroom. I don't know if it's the right one.

That's very true. I never really looked at it like that. I know.

And there's so many to choose from now. And there's the whole, like, bigger, better deal around the corner. People say that about dates and stuff. Like, is this person gonna be better? But when you narrow it down to the right toys, those are the only ones we talk about here. Cause they matter. I don't want you guys to make a mistake. That's why we're so excited to welcome Cal Exotics to the podcast and to the show. They're one of the very first founders of the American toy industry. And they still run. It's still run by the woman who started it. She's awesome. So they definitely know how to get your needs.

And they're a cool company. Like, when we went to Sex Toy Expo and they were there, they had a tiki bar set up, and they're just very inviting, and they were.

Jamie loved their free drinks.

I did, but it was like, everyone.

No, they're so cool. They're like a quality, like, quality brand. They have luxurious toys. Okay. So their new Pave line. Oh, so pretty, you guys. They're gorgeous. Like, this is the kind of toy you legitimately. It's a great gift for your friends, for your partner. It's like, they're bright turquoise, kind of like a Tiffany's box. And it's like what you've been wanting, but even better, honestly. Like, I got something from Tiffany's once. And the best part was opening the box.

Well, yeah. Cause I just.

It was like some weird. It wasn't even. It was a keychain. But the point is just the thing about the box. But these toys, you open the box and then they have little diamonds on them. Like, they have little. Not real diamonds, obviously, but that would be a million dollars for the vibrator. But they're just so cute. The pave Marilyn. It's a dual motor rabbit massager adorned with crystals and offering 35 sensational vibrations.

That's a lot. 35.

35. I mean, don't ever tell me you're getting bored there in the bedroom if you have 35 settings. What else do you need me to tell you? To tell.

I'm taking a week off, by the way, Emily.

Yeah, I know I'm taking the week off. I don't care if you guys stay or try toys while I'm out of town, but. Okay, you guys, if you also want a more controlled way to play with your partner, the pave Diana is the perfect travel size vibe to get it done, so. Oh, maybe I'll bring that one on my trip.

Oh, yeah, because you're leaving. I'm leaving.

You should see the toys I'm traveling with, and this is one of them. So if you always want to treat yourself one of these incredible toys or get one as a gift, this is the thing. If you like. I've been wanting to get one with my partner, but she might be worried about it. These are beautiful and amazing and reasonably priced. Check out the full pave line of toys by going to sex with emily.com kelex that's sexwithemily.com C A L E X All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back onto your calls.

Okay, we have MacKenzie, who's 25 in Utah, and she wants to know how to get her partner into using toys.

All right. Hey, mackenzie.

Hey, Emily.

Hi. Thanks for calling. One of my favorite subjects. Of course I'm here for you.

Yes, I have some questions. So I've been with my partner, he's my now fiance, for about three and a half years, and I've over the last year been trying to help get him to open up to using toys just because I have a harder time receiving orgasm without them.

Yeah.

And kind of just vanilla with things and just think things are great without it. It's okay. That's great. But I feel much closer when we can orgasm together, and I feel like that helps get me there. Whether a vibrator or a bully. I just want to know if you have any tips.

Absolutely.

Yeah. No, let me tell you this. So, mackenzie, here's the thing about using toys like you. You know, that's what gets you there. For a lot of women, we don't orgasm during intercourse. It just doesn't happen. Like, 20% of women do, 80% don't. And so it makes sense that you need your toys. So here's what you have to overcome is that it sounds like your fiance said he doesn't want them in the room. Is that what you said? He's not as comfortable with it.

Yeah. Not that he doesn't want them. I guess he's just not as comfortable. Like, I feel like the awkward part is if we start getting busy and then I reach to my nightstand, it's kind of like an awkward transition.

The awkward pause. Right. Okay, so this is. I've heard. Right? Exactly. So he's not. That he's not down with it. So what you gotta do is literally leave it. I mean, what I do is. Cause I'm the same way. I go in my room to have sex. Like it's out. Like it's part of it. It's like I grab the lube, I use condoms or whatever. And the to. I think once you start using it with him and he sees, like, how much pleasure that gives you and your vibrations feel great for men too. He'll be comfortable. But it's like, a lot of things. It's like ripping that band aid off like the first time, it might be awkward, but once he sees, doesn't have to be. You might also want to just show him before. I'm sorry, but you said you have used it with him before. But it gets awkward.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, it just gets a little awkward or I just wanted to be more, I guess, excited and all around trying more things. I mean, three knockers isn't forever, but we're gonna be going on forever.

Yeah. You guys are getting married. So here's the thing, Mackenzie. It sounds to me like. Do you also have that you guys have to have a conversation about what you require, what you need, like, what turned you on. Because it sounds like maybe a little foreplay if you probably. You need more clitoral stimulation like every woman on the planet. So oral sex, foreplay, slowing things down a little bit. Have you guys experimented with any of that?

Yes, we have. And he's been a lot more noticing and trying and helping me a lot more now. So that's been helpful. I think some of our struggle is that my libido is a lot higher than his. So making the time last maybe once or twice a week versus him getting up really quickly because it's easy for him too, but just harder for me. Even previous partners that have been hard With. So the fact that he sets it up means a lot to me. And I guess. I guess that answers my question. A little bit of trying to work on communication.

That's what we're all talking about. So here's the thing about communication. That's really. I mean, people like, oh, do you talk about blow jobs all day on your show, Emily? I've never heard it. I'm like, yeah, I do. But really, mostly what I talk about is communication. Communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about it, we're gonna have better sex. But it's not easy for us to do. So I'm so glad you realize that that's really what it is. And so my best tips for communication, Mackenzie, is really just to have a conversation about it and outside the bedroom. So you don't do it right after sex, and you don't do it right before sex, but you do it like when you guys are hanging out on a Sunday morning or having brunch or whenever you guys feel like you're, you know, just relaxing in your good space. And so that's when you say to him, you know, I'd love to talk about. You know, let's talk about our sex life. Like, I'm already loving the sex we're having. And, like, let's figure out some other things we could do to continue to make it interesting and great for both of us. And while you might be cringing right now. Cause you, like, can't imagine those words coming out of your mouth. I'm telling you, it just. It'll get easier. He's probably gonna say, you know, okay, let's talk. Or if he doesn't, you know, you just kind of bring it up again. And this is the kind of thing that this is going to be your husband. You're going to spend your life with him. That it's going to get easier over time. And then. And then it's going to become part of what you guys talk about. Like, where are we going to go on summer vacation? You know, where are we going to go for dinner? And then, how was our sex last night? And it becomes. This is how sex gets better. So I think it's making sure that it's casual. You're not blaming. You're not shaming. You're not telling them that. I need this to happen. I need that to happen. It's more like, what could we do together to make sure that, you know, we're both having pleasure? So it's really more like that.

And then.

Yeah. And Then finding some toys maybe like that you guys could use together is really fun. And then showing him how to use the toy on you so it's not such a separate thing sometimes. Yeah, mutual masturbation is really fun. If you guys are. You're using it and then he's, you know, getting himself off and then you kind of look over and it's hot. And then he's also seeing how you touch yourself.

Do you have any recommendations for toys for clitoral stimulation? Will be like, I'm on top or something. I wish there could just be something hands free, but there is.

There are no I've got hands free stuff for you. I've got know about all the toys in the planet. I don't think we talk about toys as much on here as we should, but you guys, I know about every toy on the planet, so I think, well, first of all, right now are you not. What kind of toy are you using right now?

It's just a bullet so that I can kind of hold it.

A bullet? Yeah. Bullets can be kind of awkward to hold in your hand. So the first thing I always recommend is the We Vibe sync. And it's a couple's toy that you can actually wear it during intercourse totally hands free. So it's like a C shape and it fits inside. So it's like a C and it goes inside of you. It like clips on it clips onto your vagina, your vulva. So it's like hitting it inside's hitting your G spot and the outside tips sees on your clitoris. And so for a lot of couples, that can work. And the We Vibe sync is the best because you could actually even has different vibration patterns. You can control it with an app if you want, or you just turn it on and go. So that's a great one for a lot of couples. There's also like a vibrating ring, like a penis ring that he could wear. And then you could, you know, when you're on top of them or underneath them, you could also feel great and screaming. Oh, makes some rings if you want to check those out. It's all@sexwithemily.com if you go to our website, we've got a lot of things there, toys. And we also have a blog on there, I believe too, about like how to talk to your partner about using toys and first time using them. So thank you, mackenzie, for calling in. Keep me posted. Call me with any questions. Let's do a little sex hack.

Okay.

All right.

All right. So this came to us as an Email. But we thought this would be a fun thing to talk about.

Okay.

From Amy, who's 27 in South Carolina, and she says she's been with her boyfriend for about a year. He went to a different law school, so now they're long distance. She's really proud of him, but in a shocking twist, not as psyched about the distance. She really values physical touch. That's her love language. And long distance is obviously making that difficult. At first, sexting and phone sex were new and exciting, but it's become harder to initiate with him back in school and living with roommates. Do you have any recommendations for keeping things hot?

Oh, okay. This is from Amy in North Carolina. Okay, Amy, here's the thing. It is tricky to be in a long distance relationship. My love language is the same as yours. I am physical touch. And I think it could be really tough not to have that with a partner. So how do you actually keep the intimacy alive in a long distance relationship?

But the good news is that it's a pretty good time to. If you're in a long distance relationship, it's not a bad time to be alive in this century, in this year to be in a long distance relationship because there's a lot more easy ways to connect and beyond just like texting and calls. I think it's important to like make a date. Like pencil in time that you guys are going to have a date and it's gonna be a date that you're Skyping, you're FaceTiming and you're sitting there eating, you're having a conversation and you're talking about things and you're like having, you know, you could get dressed up and make like a dinner out of it. Like you're on an actual date. Like, I don't know, like I FaceTime with a few people, like my nieces and my mom. And I feel like it's not the same thing, but it's pretty damn like it. You know, I can't touch them and give him a hug. But you are connecting over FaceTime. So I think make it a date and be like, I'm not gonna have my roommates come in. You're gonna lock the door. We're gonna have a plan. I also think it's important to, to have some good conversations when you're on these calls too. Like, like being away from each other. And you guys have been together for a year and you're 27, so you guys are still figuring yourself out. And the thing about long distance relationships, the problem with them Is that I like to call them like vacation relationships. Because it feels like you're actually on a vacation every time you're together.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah. Because you miss each other a lot. And then you're like, oh, my God. We see each other and everything's amazing because we only have four days and we're gonna suck the life out of it and each other. And the sex is amazing. And, you know, then you have that. That teasing and that longing built in to this scenario. And that's what we all crave for sex. At least a lot of women and men. We crave that, like, longing and desire. And the teasing is so hot. So you have that built in. That's the good news. But when you're away from each other, you're not living in the same place. It's hard to know, like, are we still compatible? And how do we stay connected? So I think it's important to, like, still, like, do FaceTime. And I'm saying, oh, this is why. The reason why it's great to be single is cause there's a lot of really cool frigging toys right now. We Vibe has most of their toys can be connected to the We Connect app, which is a free app, which is kind of like FaceTime. But however, like, you could. There's video component. Your partner can vibe you. They can control your vibrator that you are using from their phone. It can pair from anywhere in the world, in the next room, in the next continent, you can control it. So that's really fun too. You guys can be sexy together. Also have a conversation where you're, like, asking questions. Like, there's all those great books where you like, not books, but like, lists of questions that you ask your partner. Like, things you don't know about them. Like, how do they see their life and what do they. You know, rather than just like, how's your day? Like this. I think just talking can allow you guys to get more intimate. When you're saying, like, what. What do you see in your. I don't know, what are those games that they have? Like those table conversation games or whatever?

Yeah, like, table topics.

I think it's table topics. Or like, they want, like, for dating or how to get your part to know your partner better. There's, like, some questions. I can't think what they are now, but I've had them before. I've talked about them before about, like, really, like, get to know your partner questions. Like, I think it was in that thing, like, if you've been Dating for a year. What you should already know. And I think like, like, like it's a good time to not to, I, I, okay, I'm cool with you in the long distance relationship. But my other rule with long distance relationships is that make sure that there is a end point. Make sure that there is a time that you know that you're going to be moving back to the same city because that can also just be a dead end. You're like, well, why am I in this long distance thing? I'm 27 years old, there's a lot of people around, young people, single people where I'm at. And like, I don't know that you want to spend all the time in the long distance, long distance relationship if it's never going to be a point where you're moving back to the same city. So all that's important.

Play together. Mutual masturbation. Have patience and ask real questions. And don't get fooled by the amazing weekends you have together once a month or whenever because there's some real relationship work to figure out when you're not together.

Yeah, I know it's probably hard depending on how far away people are and their money situation. But how, if, if that wasn't really like, how often do you think at least, like bare minimum for long distance relationships you should go without seeing each other or like, you know, how often should you try to meet up?

I mean, honestly, like once a month if you can. But I think people go a lot longer than that. Obviously, like once a week. Like I remember I had a boyfriend when I was San Francisco, la. We'd see each other maybe once every two weeks, but it's an hour flight. People do it all the time though. I just think, and you know, it does work for a lot of couples, like super busy. They have great times when they're together. But I just think, you know, more so than not. And don't get lazy with it. Like the intimacy, you can't have the real physical intimacy. So you have to get intimacy through talking through the phone, through like learning more about each other just because you're not a part. Like, yes, you can talk about your day, but get into some meatier topics because you don't have the distractions of like, just go to a movie, let's just watch Netflix. Like you actually have to talk to the person. So I think find out. Yeah. And try to figure out. Moving the same city.

Yeah, I mean, I think because I'm, I'm a person that I really don't think I'M capable of doing a long distance relationship. I just. And if maybe it was one of the. It would be one of those things where when we're with. When we're actually physically with each other, we'll be with each other, but when we're apart, we're apart.

Yeah.

Because I just don't. I wouldn't be able to. Not that I wouldn't trust them. I just wouldn't be able to like, handle not having them there. Like, I need that.

Yeah, that totally makes sense. You would. I would need that. But I actually used to.

Have you ever had one?

Yeah, I've had several now that I'm remembering. And I actually, like, when I was like 28, I was dating a guy in Texas for like a year maybe, but I was so busy and so like. But he would, he was no one that he would. I just know. But the point is, I'm like, he was so over. Like I met him and he was like flipped over me. Every week he sent me. He sent me like these orchids. Like, I remember they came to my off every day. Like, he was like, me, orchids, lilies. And he was so. He was flying in almost every weekend to San Francisco and they like, take me to Mexico. It was like a very. He was a very, like, extravagant long distance boyfriend. But I would see him a lot and. But I realized that once we. He finally did move to the city that it was really fun dating because it was a vacation relation and he was very attentive and he filled all my needs in that way because I love, like, words. And I would wake up in the morning, there'd be like an email from him with all the words and all the things. And I often saw him. But then when we moved to the same place, I realized I was probably long distance for a year. After, like two months, I was like, no, no way this is gonna end. And then, yeah, the guy. I've done several long distance. I used to actually joke that I really liked them because I was so frigging busy that I kind of liked it. This is how we've changed over time. I don't think now I'm like, now I would not want a long time distance relationship at all. I just. I want to be with someone and see them and hang out. So even if someone's in Venice, to me, that's long distance. Like, I can't date someone who lives more than two miles from me.

Yes, it's.

I. Unless they come to me. I don't. I hate driving. I'm never gonna get there. I'll be late. Like, I dated guy in Venice. I first moved here. I'm in West Hollywood. That doesn't mean anything to you? It's like a 45 minute drive if you're lucky. And like on the weekends it's like an hour and then parking. And I, I hate. I was a bitch. By the time I got there, I was like, I'm not. I don't know, I just, I really like my own. I like being in my space.

Well, what about like the compromise?

Ugh, Really, I would compromise. I was realizing a pattern that like my last three boyfriends were all upset that I did not go to their house.

Okay, yeah, I compromised. I would go there. I would, I did. I tried.

Or like meet in the middle.

Like, but then where are you gonna have sex?

Yeah, when you're having sex.

Well, I get that.

I'm saying like during the week, if you really wanted to see them, like find a spot to eat dinner, like meet in the middle. Cuz 45, honestly, I mean, Venice isn't.

That far, but it's the traffic that drives you crazy. It's not just 45, it's like an hour.

It's horrible.

And the parking too. I totally understand that.

Yeah. I mean, the only thing I miss about driving is that I would call people more and I would listen to more radio and podcasts and stuff. And now I don't do anything because my commute is six minutes, so I don't talk to anyone and I don't, I don't get home and I don't want to talk anyway. The point is I just want someone to live 1.2 miles from me, like everything else.

Is that too much ask. But I get long distance. When you're busy. Yeah.

Would this, would this person, when they would send you like, like letters or emails or whatever they ever like sexy emails, like, what if I have them.

In the garage printed? We'll find them. This is like all the stories. The 20, the guy, were they sexy? Sexy? No, I mean sexy for me at 28. I didn't even know what that meant.

Can you make a sexy email? Like, would that be something that people can do?

I don't know.

Just you guys send sexy notes to each other. This is the time you guys, when you used to get like letters, like used in the mail, like he was definitely saying like, you're so hot and I'm into you and stuff like that. So I think it's really sweet to write like sexy, like what you're thinking about and what you want to do to them next time you see them. And like a kinky story about the last time you're a writer. Write up like the hot last time you were together and what made you so, like, turned on by it. Like, send it to them in the mail. People don't do that anymore.

I would love to get a letter because I'm tired of bills.

Yeah, exactly.

When you're younger, you're like, I want to get mail. And then when you get older, you're like, it's always bills.

It's always bills. There's never a letter. That's true. But I used to mail was so exciting. I'll send you a letter.

I'll send you all letters.

I was thinking that. But then Michelle would mail it for me probably.

Yeah, it would be me, but it would be from Emily with a little kiss.

Yeah, I love getting letters. Can't we bring back letters? Can't we bring back mailing people stuff? I think that's great. Send them something sexy. Use your words, because you're gonna need words to connect in a long distance relationship as well.

Okay, let's talk to Marcus, who's 25 in California. And I'm not sure if I understand the question, but I'm going to see, it says, why is sex between a man and a woman? Why does it always have to be like taking from a woman? So let's see if we can. Hi.

Question. Hey, Marcus, thanks for calling.

Hey, what's up?

Trying to start before I gotta go into work, to be honest with you.

Nice. Okay, I'm here to waste some time with me.

Okay, so here's a little about me. I'm a 61 11, 315 black man. And when I approach women or talk to them, they assume I want. All I want is, you know, all I want to just take from him. I don't want to take from. I want to have pleasure. I want to give pleasure.

Okay.

Like, I aim to please, but it's a little difficult because of my height and my stature. My. My voice, I guess. I guess I would say. Okay, so I guess I'm stereotyped as somebody that wants to take. So how do I avoid that?

That's so interesting. Okay, Marcus, so tell me how you know that to be true. Give me some evidence.

So, okay, here's an example. Maybe about four weeks ago.

I first wanted. She was maybe about 5, 8, 5 9, nice long hair. Everybody was like, just my type, you know.

And I post her. You know, I approach her In a, in a very calm manner. And I, I promote. What I do is I'm a stand up comedian, I promote, you know. And then she came at me saying, you know, the only reason why you're trying to talk to me is because you want to get some from me and it's not happening. And I was. And I sat there and I looked at her. In my mind I'm going, wait a.

Minute.

I think you're cute, but why do you think automatically off top? I'm trying to get that right.

Yeah. And so that happens to you. I mean, here's the thing. I feel like, did you just go up to her and start talking to her or you were just some. Maybe she was playing you. Like, women like to tease back. And she's like, you just want to. I think that's a certain personality type, right. Of a woman. Like if you just started to what.

I said, you should have seen her face. Boy, she looked at me crazy.

She did. I mean, she looked at you like, like, did you just, you just randomly started talking to her and she was like, you just want to get. I mean, I understand a lot of women have that. Where were you guys at? First of all? Were you at a bar? Were you at a club? Were you at the comedy club?

So this was, I was roaming about promoting because I was show coming up and there was a group of friends. And my, my intro is, hey, my name is Marcus. People just call me Fudge. I'm a stand up comedian. And then the question from one of her friends was, why do they call you Fudge? There's different, you know, scenario, different things that I say. One of them is sweet enough to give you diabetes, sweet enough to cause a cavity. I show you better not to tell you. It's just different stuff that I play along with. And then the other friend, and then one of the other friends kind of like started talking to me while the other friends were talking and the girls started talking. I'm sorry. And it was, it went from me promoting and me talking to her like, hey, let's hang out sometime and to this all you want.

Okay, well, but you said sweet enough to give you candy. Sweet enough. Whatever. I'm this guy. I'm coming up to group friends of four women. So in that scenario I could see her with their friends. And you're like, let's go. If you asked her out within the first 30 seconds and let's go out some time. And you're talking about sweet enough, even though that's your jam, Fudge you know, diabetes, candy. I. I could understand that. I could understand a woman just kind of making a joke like, you're not going to get me. Or you. Maybe she gets hit on all the time. So I think it's your approach. Like, you know what I mean? We all know as women, the guys who want to get with us. So if a guy is like, right away, like, this will be the best thing you ever had, or, I'm sweet, even if you're joking and it's your jam. But if you just go up to someone at Starbucks and you start talking like, how's your day? I don't think that that woman would be like, you just want to have sex with me, even if you asked her out by the time your latte got there. You know what I'm saying? And there is. There is kind of a stigma around comedians. We do talk about that here. We've all dated comedians, I believe. Or at least two of us. Three of us.

Yes. Unfortunately.

Yeah. No, I love comedians. I do. I mean, come on. But I. So that's what I think it is, Mark. I mean, it could be your stature. I get. I get all of that, right? Just like, being a. Being a hot chick, getting hit at all the time. Like, there's stuff like that. Like, you, I think, like, oh, do guys just think I'm pretty and I'm not smart? That was my big issue. My. Like, I remember I. With this whole thing in my 20s, I was like, guys would just talk to me because they want to sleep with me. Don't they ever want. Don't they think I'm, like, smart and funny and cool? Like, I was like, you just think I'm pretty. This is my insecurity. So it was a similar thing, but it was because I was carrying that in like it was my own thing, because I know that I'm all those things. I'm just having a total flashback here because I don't feel that way anymore. Now I'm like, it was so nice when I was getting hit on every five seconds, but now I feel like that's your own thing, Marcus, that you're expecting that maybe you are putting that out there in some way. I feel like what we are thinking, that's what you're bringing to the table. So I think if you just go in without that, it won't be. That won't be your reality. And think about the environment. If a guy goes up to three groups of women in 30 seconds, you're asking someone out. That's the perception, nothing to do with your stature.

That was like 30 minutes in, though, right?

But you lead. You're the lead, but you're like the comedian and you're making jokes and you're, like, zoning in on her, not her friends. And also another way, like, I don't know what else you said there, but I feel like we can tell when guys make those little signs like, I'm gonna be the best you had or we're gonna. It's. I don't know. There's just probably things you said that you're not so clear on. But I think if you ask more questions than you're talking about yourself is always a sure five way for women and men to feel more connected to you. Like on a date, listen more than you talk. So I know that's hard as a comedian and as a performer, but I think if you're leading with all the charm and I'm this and that, that, that could be the thing that's putting them there. So I think if you just think about I'm just gonna ask questions more and pay attention to what they're saying, they're not going to get that impression.

Gotcha.

All right, Think about that, Marcus. All right, good luck with your set tonight. All right, thanks for calling Sex with Emily. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this show. We love hearing from you, and thanks for listening and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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