Sexually Awakened in Isolation with Nikki Boyer

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and on today's show, I'm joined by TV personality and host of the limited podcast series Dying for Sex, Nikki Boyer. And we're talking about how even when things seem grim, it may actually spark a sexual awakening. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include why during times of uncertainty, a sexual awakening can do wonders for your self-esteem. Maybe you can't go out and date right now, but some inspiration to open your mind to new sexual possibilities. Sex toys for penises that allow for some easy cleanup, and some tips to keep things spicy in a long-distance relationship. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's got to have her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. And you guys, we're still bringing you shows. I hope everyone is being safe and taking care of yourself. And I want you to know that I'm here and the whole Sex with Emily team to keep bringing you content and help as you need it right now. Find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily on Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and Twitter and all the places. We're still answering your questions. We're doing more live content, so you can check it out on those platforms. And this is a really good time to have a lot of those conversations that I encourage you to have with your partners about your sex life, about your relationship, because, you know, if there's been a problem or a challenge in your relationship, I just can imagine that you're all dealing with it now even more intensely. And I know a lot of you have been letting me know that listening to the show with a partner has been a really helpful, easy way to facilitate conversations that are can be hard to start on our own. So thank you for letting me know that and for reaching out. I'm here for you and the team's here for you. And thank you also for supporting our sponsors because without them, we would not be here doing the show and they wouldn't be here if not for you. So thank you everybody. Intentions with Emily. For each show, I'm gonna start out by setting intention as you know, and it helps you guys do the same. So what I mean is like, what do you wanna get out of listening to this particular episode? It could be, wow, things are so uncertain now, maybe sprucing up my sex life could be healing. My intention for the show is to show you that even when times are tough, and things aren't necessarily going the way you want them to, you can always work on your pleasure. All right, enjoy the show.

Nikki Boyer.

Hi.

3-time Emmy Award-winning TV host. You've done a lot of fascinating things in your career.

Thanks.

Journalist, but right now we're talking about your new podcast. You're the host of Dying for Sex. Yes. I mean, really the topic of it, I mean, essentially your friend had a sexual awakening after being diagnosed with cancer. And you thought, well, yeah, that's, that's, first of all, it's like, like death, like we were saying earlier, like death is like the antithesis of, of sex, right? Like I'm gonna die, I might as well learn to live. So amazing. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. How did this all come together? Tell me where you're like, oh yeah, that's sad, but amazing. And then a podcast.

I know kind of that's, that's it. Thank you for having me. And thank you for like opening up the conversation about this because I'm so excited about this project. When Molly was diagnosed with stage 4, that's a, for lack of a better word, it's terminal. So, um, when she got that news, she decided it was time to do something really bold. And so she left her marriage of 15 years and moved out and moved very close to where I was living at the time. Now, mind you, this was the second time that she had been diagnosed. So she went through it the first time, double mastectomy, um, chemo, a lot, loss of everything really that felt like her and her womanhood. So when she got rediagnosed, she was like, I, I can't, I can't do it again like that. So she left her relationship. Moved really close to me and she was going on all these sexual journeys. So when we'd— I'd pick her up, 'cause she never, you know, like she hates driving. So I'd pick her up and she'd be like, I gotta tell you what happened. And I just, I remember there was a moment we were at a stoplight and I was like, there's something here. This is not the normal thing that people do when they get cancer.

Right.

No.

And they don't leave their husband. Right. They don't have a sexual awakening. Right. They're not as hopeful. Completely not. Like, if anything, I wanna stay with them and I'm gonna make peace with the fact that this is not working. Yeah.

But I need someone to— She said, I'm out.

She's amazing.

And then I said, I think this is a show. And in that moment I said, And I think it's called Dying for Sex. Like, it all just went, woo!

I mean, talk about one of the best. Yes, exactly.

So we, yeah, we just went for it and then started recording episodes. Well, actually, we came up with the idea. We came up with an idea. We started pitching it to people. And then finally, friends of mine at this production company called Bold Soul said, we should, we should pitch this, but we should actually record some recordings. And then I brought those recordings to Wondry, who is amazing at storytelling, right? Like, really digs in and goes there. And my producers, they're just there to Which is so awesome. And, um, and then we have the 6-episode series now called Dying for Sex and episode 5 just came out today.

Okay. Congratulations. Everyone can check out wherever you listen to podcasts. I think a lot of people, I know, listen to the radio, but you just like Dying for Sex.

Yeah.

Listen to it. Yeah. Right. Everyone for free. Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly. Thinking about podcasts, which is awesome.

Isn't that nice?

Yes. Okay. So this is what, let's back up. So you are driving the car, stoplight, and you're like, wow, she's having a sexual awakening. What does that look like? Like how did you, how do you define sexual awakening? Because I think that so many people, You know, they, I was saying earlier, like, you don't have to be, get a diagnosis to decide that you wanna have a sexual awakening.

I think that, that was, that's really important to know is like, why are we waiting for, why are we waiting? Bad news? Why are we waiting for something horrible and terminal to happen? I think that's part of what we're saying in this podcast is let's not wait for that. And let's give ourselves like permission to just go for it. And what I love about Molly, she does that. And she also lets you in on the messiness of it. Like, it's not always pretty and it's not always nice and it doesn't always fill her up the way she thinks it's going to, but she's really open about that in her process, which I think is healing and part of the sexual awakening, don't you think?

Yeah, absolutely.

So what would you say?

Because you've known her for a while, you probably like 20 years. Yeah. Okay. So you knew her in the marriage. So, so, you know, like, what, what did that look like? Like, what, what were the things that maybe surprised you? The first sex thing where you're like, oh wow, this is a story. Like, what was she telling you? Or this is a podcast, and I'm talking to Nikki Boyer. Dying for Sex is her podcast. Um, you can check it out wherever you listen to podcasts.

So I think that moment that I realized this was like, not the normal, like, I'm just gonna go on dates and make out with guys and have sex. It's when she started dipping into the fetish world. And she was like, so there's a guy, he wants to come over and worship my feet. And I was like, that's it? She's like, yes. So there's this guy, he's really interested in like, you know, dressing up as a clown, and then having sex with me. And I was like, what? Like, I just remember my brain was, it was making sense. But I kept thinking, this is this normal? Like, is this, is this what happens? So that's when I realized it was not just, not much just sex. It was like fetishes and things that she was really open to because why not? Like she said, like, what's the worst thing that's gonna happen? Like, I was like, you be careful. She's like, what are they gonna do, kill me?

I think I know one guy, like she went over to the house and he just wanted to tickle. Like he wanted her to tickle him.

She didn't really know that was happening until it started happening. Yeah, that's it.

So did she, do you feel like her, was, was it filling her up? I know not every situation turned out amazing, but how did you see the sexual connections like fill her up in a way.

Well, I think people can look at this a little bit and say, well, gosh, she was pleasing them. Was it really about her?

Right.

And I get that part of it. But I think for her, it was a way of gaining control, a way of using her body in a way that it kind of had been robbed from her. When they take your breasts away, and they take your— just things that make you feel like a woman and the parts of you that make you feel sexy. I think for her, it was like she wanted to use that. And so she did discover that through some of, you know, her escapades, that sometimes it would feel It would fill her up and sometimes she would feel empty and she kind of tried to navigate that to see what it really was that she was looking for. So it wasn't just about the sex, even though that's kind of the entry point, for lack of a better word, literally. She used that to kind of figure other things and heal some old wounds from—

Yeah, you said she healed some trauma too. How would you explain that process? Well, she worked through—

I think she was working. I think she, she was robbed. I don't want to give too much away, but I think she was kind of robbed of that thing that most of us get, which is exploring sexuality and sex on our terms as a young woman. She didn't really get that process. So I think this, in a way, was her sort of reclaiming that time that she didn't get in her youth. And she digs into that a little bit in the episode that was released today. So she goes into that. And so it was different. You know, people are getting a little bit judgy, I think, because they're like, "Well, how could she do this? And why?" And I think where I go is to don't draw your line so deeply in the sand. Like, you never know what what you're capable or what you're gonna wanna do when things get really intense and hard.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, you're so right. People put up, they hear sex and they like put up so many ways, so many protectors around them to be like, oh, that's wrong. This is wrong. I can't listen anymore. Yeah. And so, so to really say, no, I'm gonna actually suspend belief, suspend my judgment and go into the podcast and listen, like maybe I'll be inspired for something. Maybe I'll some, like, I feel like that could be a lot of it. Right. I mean, you must have been, how about you, Nikki Boyer? Did it impact your sex life at all? You were like, I'm gonna go home to my partner and I'm super, actually, I wish you had a foot fetish. I need a foot rub.

Like, did anything It kind of just sort of widened my idea of what is, what people get to do. I did get a little judgy here and there in the podcast with certain things. Like I was like, ew, but I think now looking back at it, I'm like, you know what, to each their own. I mean, certain things are too much, but everybody's got their way of expressing themselves. So what it did for me is it just sort of broadened my spectrum of like possibilities. So I haven't really changed much of what I'm doing, but, but I'm open to it.

Right. Exactly.

But I do have to be honest, like, My boyfriend would kill me if he knew I was saying this live on a show. But there's a part of me now that's kind of interested, and maybe we can talk about this for a second. I would love your opinion. I kind of like the idea now of voyeurism, like watching, like not being involved and not being in the room. But there's— and I know porn does that and chatterbait does that.

You're watching someone else?

Watching someone else. I don't know.

With your husband?

Yeah, with my partner, with my boyfriend.

No, that's— Very, really common fantasy.

It is?

Okay.

Absolutely.

Fascinating.

Welcome to Sex with Emily. Yeah, I know. Everything's fine. You're all good. We all have fantasies and we're not gonna shame you or blame you. We're actually gonna help you have that, make that fantasy come true. If you want to. Name that fantasy. Right. No, but it's, yeah, I mean, it is common because first off it's, well, you tell me when you think about your partner, your husband having sex with somebody else, what does it?

Oh no, I'm not interested in that.

Okay, well, which part? I wanna watch other people. With your, just in general.

Just in general.

Are you with your husband and he's seeing that scene? Oh, and I'd like to play party or sex party. Okay.

See, I've never done it. I've never been to any of that. So fun.

Welcome. Yeah, do it. Yeah, we can help you. There's a lot of different websites and play parties. I'm serious.

That's amazing.

I literally want everybody's like fantasies to come true. I want to help. I want to help everybody. I was going to use the word enable, but that's such a negative connotation. But I want to like in a very healthy way. Of course. Okay.

So is there anything that you sort of had a fantasy about that you indulged in and and it didn't kind of meet up to the thing in your head?

Like, I'm afraid of voyeurism. I like you deflecting away from the voyeurism. Before you leave, I'm going to help you take the next right step towards the voyeurism fantasy. Has there been anything that I've wanted that I've been like, eh, take it or leave it?

Well, no, you were like, oh, I'm interested. And then when it comes to fruition, you're like, well, that was way better in my head.

Right.

That's what I'm afraid of with the voyeurism, where I'm going to see two bodies and I'll be like, nope, we're good.

Well, that's the best thing about it is that if you go to a play party, there's— which meaning it's like they used to call them swinger parties, or you can get an invite or you can sign up. Up and go on like a Saturday night, and there's usually rules like only couples can come and single women, and there's not an obligation to have sex. So you and your partner could decide to go and just kind of show up and just see how it is and kind of ease into it. I find a lot of these parties are a lot like a regular party, but then eventually you look over and someone's having sex. Like, at first you're like, nice to meet you, my name is Nikki Boyer, I'm Emily Morse, how's it going? Clothes are on, and then like an hour in I was like, is she giving him a blowjob? What is going on in this one?

I mean, I know in my brain this exists, but to go is a whole different experience.

And no one, and the thing is these parties are like, there's anonymity because no one wants to be like, I saw Nikki at a party, so I'm not gonna go. You're like, I don't wanna see my boss there. But then you're like, well, your boss was there. You're all at the sex party. So anyway, yeah. So I think that's kind of how it all works. Then you could leave or you could stay for it with him. My question is what sexual fantasies of mine did I happen? And I was like, nah, let's check, you know, bucket list. Done. Don't have to do it again.

I know, I can't put you on the spot.

You know what, it's really hard. I've been— that's the second sexual spot I've been put on today. Like, the second sexual question that someone's asked me that I was like, yeah, it was what this guy— I'm going to this retreat, Emily, think about what would I be embarrassed to ask a partner for sexually in bed? Like, what would I— what do I want to fulfill sexually that I'm afraid to ask? And I'm like, I really want— I'm sure there's something. So I asked my listeners to call in.

That's a great idea.

888-947-8277. What are you afraid to ask ask sexually for that you're dying to ask, or how do you ask it? So I don't know, I really don't— can't think of anything that went wrong. Like, I've had threesomes, but then I boarded them before it was a bad threesome. So like, but I've had really good threesomes. And then I've had like an almost threesome. I was like, oh, this isn't going to be hot. And I ended it.

Oh, that's smart.

Yes. Right. Because so much— I don't know if you had this, Nikki. In my life, I've had relationships or I've had sex with people that I— it was easier to keep going than to say no. That's— yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I might as well give him a blowjob. I might as well have sex because I don't want to explain why I don't wanna have sex. Right. Which is, I mean, I don't wanna do those things anymore.

Yeah.

And I, I encourage all of you not to, to kind of not do that anymore.

Right.

Because once you learn what you want in bed and what feels good and you're really in touch with your body, you won't be able to just kind of pacify someone just because you want, don't want them to feel better. Like what about our own sexual needs?

Right.

But I think in the past I've just followed through with things sexually. Mm-hmm. Like that I wouldn't, but I, yeah, no, I can't think of anything that I did that. Yeah.

I'm just wondering. I'm just wondering if the voyeur, I'm wondering if the voyeurism thing is just more of like a, like a, like a juicy thing to have in my head, but maybe in real life I would be. I said, but I'd like to know the best way to find out, right?

Here's the best way to find out. First, so if you were calling in, Nikki Boyer, check out her podcast Dying for Sex on Wondery, which is, um, well, you can listen to podcasts, but Wondery makes great storytelling. Yeah. So I just love that you're like immediately captured by all the stories and like the narrative. So thank you. It's a very unique format. So I, I do appreciate that. And thank you. I feel like, um, that what I would tell people is if they're like, oh, I don't know if I wanna try it, is that you guys like dirty talk it when you're in bed. Like right now I'm picturing us, we're at a party. And tonight, like, you're looking at this couple and she looks over at you and we're watching them. And then, you know, you start grabbing me and we're making out and you just sort of talk it back and forth to see, like a role play.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. See how, if that's hot.

I think my boyfriend will be very happy tonight with all this.

You could send him this. So yeah, that's kind of like how you dip your toe in the water. Cause you know, many people are like, I don't know that I want to go all the way there. Cause a lot of people do have like the threesome fantasies and stuff.

And I'm like, well, first, don't just go out finding a third person tonight.

Right. Maybe just roleplay it.

Roleplay it. That's a good— that's really good advice.

Thank you.

So that's that. Okay, so, so what else? So do you have any more sex questions for me? I'm thinking about my own sex thing. Well, how is your sexual communication with your partner? Do you think it's made you more like open?

That's a great question. Actually, doing this, this podcast with Molly has sort of allowed me to go, oh, I hadn't even thought of that, or let me me, let me kind of push the envelope a little bit. So it has increased our sex, it has increased the communication around it, asking for things. Um, but I'm, I'm so exhausted right now from working so much that I come home and sometimes like my version of sex is like a hot bath and he rubs my feet. Like, that's okay too.

That is sex, right? Yes.

We're all—

we all get to decide what connection looks like with our partner. Yeah, intimacy. That is intimacy.

Yeah.

But isn't it funny? I get what you mean, like being exhausted all day because you're working on sex topic, sex show.

And then you come home.

It's like the cobbler's kids have no shoes. You know that? I'm like, yeah, this guy that I'm dating, he's like, no shoes, right? Because I'm always like, I'm tired, I didn't have time for sex in the past. Anyway, I mean, I love that. It's ebbs and flows. But yeah, and that's totally fine, the how, as long as you both get your needs met. Yeah. So then you talk about it, then it sounds like your sexual communication—

I think it's pretty good. I mean, we've been together for almost 11 years, and going through this with Molly, I would come bring things to him. I saw, um, a lot of photos and masturbation videos and things that Molly they would share with me. So I think there was a part of me that was like, whoa, like, that's a lot. There's a lot to take in there from many, many different men. So coming home, you know, I would, I would be like, oh, I saw this today, experienced this today.

And it would kind of fuel things where you're like, do you talk to him about it?

Are you like, yeah, you know, it's funny though, it's, it's, I didn't find, I didn't find those videos and those pictures to be that hot. Okay. Because there was a little bit of like, that's gonna sound, there's a little bit of desperation underneath it, right? When you come more like the dick pic was just a desperate-looking dick.

Penis.

The penis itself had this look. Yeah, I was like, help me.

Like, like trepidation. Do I really want this to be right?

Like, isn't that horrible that I'm saying this and you're saying I love this? No, it's not horrible. It's amazing.

Everything's great.

There was a— everything is great. I don't know, it's just a little bit of like, oh God, they're trying so hard. Like, they're literally like, this is so—

like, is it really hard?

So much.

Is there a prop? Are you holding it up?

There's so much happening here. Like, like, ease into it, boys. Like, relax. So there's a little bit of like, whoa, Like, don't we— don't we— don't— there's no foreplay anymore. It's just a giant wiener in your face. Like, give it a minute, right?

I don't know, get a beat. No, we need— this is the thing, women, we've not— we're not waiting. We're not sitting there going, God, right now, B, I'd just love to get a dick pic. Let me scroll through all my— like, we keep them maybe in our phone to show our friends. We delete them from our website, our DMs and Instagram. But yeah, there's something about that. Women, we want a little bit of— you want to turn on, we want to warm up, just to bring— there's a dick pic that I did not choose Sexy.

And I think Molly did that. Like, she learned through doing, through trial and error. Like, a wiener right off the bat isn't my thing. Like, I like a little conversation. She loves verbal foreplay and texting and photos of creases of bodies and things like that. So interesting.

Yeah, so you— she figured out what she wanted, which is kind of the process of dating. I think when you kind of put yourself on a path, you're like, okay, I do like sexting, I don't like dirty talk, or I don't want a dick pic ever. But what I like is that in the— in your podcast Dying for Sex, that you have— you use all the real, like, the Texts and the images or the video or the audio and stuff. I think that's such a great— Do you feel like you're backing that with her?

Yeah. And I feel like it's the real deal. It's a real story. It's not like a fabrication or an idea. Like it's the real story of Molly and her journey and it's messy and it's beautiful. And it's not just about sex. It's about healing and it's about female friendships and just also figuring out what you wanna do with the time you have left. And what I keep saying to people is, it's morbid, we're all kind of dying, right? Like, yeah, we don't know when someone's gonna go. So why are we waiting for that diagnosis to sort of live our fullest life? So what are you dying for? What do you want to live for? Like, what is that in you? So I hope that this podcast is not only fun and titillating, but kind of makes you sort of look at your life and go, what am I doing?

Absolutely.

What do I want to ask for?

No, Nikki, I think that is such a great point. And I feel like when something like that happens, I was going to ask you too, because having someone so close to you who's been sick has Has that— have you reexamined your life too in ways? Has it kind of made you be like, I don't have time for this worry because who knows when, you know, what's going to happen with life?

Well, I think I just am naturally a kind of like, I thrive on control and anxiety and I'm trying to figure out how to let go of that. I think sometimes my brain and my body aren't quite synced up with like, let's relax. But I realized that the best way to practice that is just to be super present where you are and really mindful of where you are. Like when you're with people, Just take a deep breath and really be with them and try to just quiet the noise. And if we could just practice that, yeah.

It just feels nice. Well, that's like the punchline of every spiritual journey. Every therapy, everything is like, well, at the end of the day, we need to breathe more and be present.

Isn't that crazy though? That's the answer.

We're so resistant to it. And love.

Yeah.

And love. It's true. Like connection, love, and intimacy, and presence.

Yeah.

I believe at the punchline in life, like at the end of the day, at the end of our day or the end of our life, it's like, oh, I wish, or how about this? Not in the past tense. I'm so glad I loved, I had sex, I gave, that I was as present as I could be with these precious moments I had on this planet.

Yeah. And it's also a little bit about, this podcast is a little bit about forgiveness, forgiving ourselves, forgiving other people, and healing those things that holding onto that, that I guess anger or frustration or resentment is just it's just killing you, right?

Right. It's a good life process to learn to release that stuff because it just stacks up and carries, carries us around. So I think the story is super inspiring. Nikki Boyer, check out her podcast Dying for Sex. It just premiered last month, so you can check out the rest of it. It's Nikki Boyer, N-I-K-K-I-B-O-Y-E-R, on Instagram and Twitter, NikkiBoyer.com. We'll put it in the show notes at SexWithEmily.com. I have to ask you the 5 questions we ask all of our guests. I love this. Are you ready? Ready. Biggest turn-on.

Confidence.

Biggest turnoff?

Ego.

What makes good sex?

Oh, um, lube.

Yes, baby. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships?

Be a little safer. Be a little safer.

Number one sex tip?

Go for it. If you're thinking about doing some, some like toys and play, like just buy the toy, bring it home and just go for it. Just do it, or order it on Amazon, or sexwithemily.com.

Thank you for— oh my god, just get a vibrator. You're right, wherever you find it. We're gonna give you one before you leave. You get a parting gift. I know, it really is. Everyone gets a gift. You get a vibrator, and you get a vibrator. I'm Dr. Emily, this is Sex with Emily.

We're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, we're gonna get into your calls. And thank you again for supporting our sponsors. They've got some great products to keep you connected right now, and we would not be connected to you if not for them, and they wouldn't be in business if not for you. So thank you, everybody, for supporting them. And we'll be right back.

Okay. We have Stacy, 35, in Illinois, just had a hysterectomy and needs advice about how to get back into sex.

All right. Hey, Stacy.

Hello.

Hi, Stacy. Thanks for calling. Hello. Hello. You're on.

So I had a total hysterectomy about 6 weeks ago. I did keep my ovaries.

Okay.

But I'm just kind of nervous getting back into sex because my doctor didn't explain any differences or what to expect.

Oh, really? That's just— Oh, okay. I'm so glad you called. So, okay, so it's, you know, it takes a while to get back into it, to get back into sex. It could take, you know, you're gonna— I mean, the doctor says between 4 and 6 weeks is what they'll say. And that allows time for like scars to heal, like discharge and bleeding and all of that stuff to stop.

Stop.

But don't put that— I don't want you to have that. It's like women after childbirth, they're like, yeah, 6 weeks, it's not always the same. So just really pay attention to your body and like see how you're feeling. Um, so I also think, you know, if you notice bleeding and all that, you should go back and see your doctor. You might get a little bit, you know, do they tell you anything like side effects? Like you might get—

I mean, like, I feel pretty good, right? Um, I just— more questions about like, I didn't even know this until I researched on the internet, like the vaginal cuff that they make for you, how that affects like, your sex life and orgasms and stuff like that. I don't, I don't understand that.

Right, right. She had a vaginal cuff.

Yeah, because when they take your cervix out, right?

No, no, no, I know. I mean, but she's— but you're saying that they didn't— and they were like, there was nothing that you were told. So like, I mean, here's the thing.

No, not a lot.

Okay, so you might have less interest in sex. You might, you know, you have to see what happens. But I feel You know, you'll still have orgasms, you have your clitoris, your labia, you could be a little bit drier, you definitely want to use lube, you'll have sensations. I mean, I feel like, and how old are you? 35. So, I mean, the most important thing is to, I think, I mean, to stay in touch right now with your whole, your sex life, your vulva, your vagina, like to still masturbate, doing your Kegel exercises and working your pelvic floor is a really important part of the recovery process.

—process?

So, did they tell you to do any of the exercises? No. Okay. So, pelvic floor exercises are really— and most women, we kind of do them wrong. We don't really know, you know. So, I would recommend that you check out, like, there's apps and stuff. I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp. You can look at how to do them online, but they're kind of like your pee-stopping muscles, like when you stop the start of urine. It's like you tense and you relax. And so, I would do those and then I would just wait and see because the thing is, for many women, I think it's important to, like, when you just want to take it And really, you want to keep your mind engaged. So, I even think for you, doing your Kegels and keeping in touch even if you're not feeling— are you in a relationship? Yeah, I'm married. Okay. So, I think just continuing to be intimate with your partner and not making sex off the table because there's still things that you guys can do to stay connected. So, I still like kissing, massages, playing with each other. When you start to feel it again, maybe you'd want to do— maybe not now the first— how are you feeling right now? The next, you know, week? You know, it's been how long? I mean, yeah, 6 weeks.

6 weeks. So I'm feeling pretty good.

Oh, you're at the 6 weeks? Okay. So have you been connected with your partner? Because here's the thing, have you tried to have sex again yet? Not yet.

I'm kind of nervous about that. So that's why I was calling to see, because like they didn't explain anything.

So, right, that's what I mean. Okay. No, I know. And I've tried it. Like, I feel like that to go slow with your partner— I mean, here's the thing, you might not feel anything different. How do you— have you had any Do you have any changes? Have you looked in a mirror? Do you feel— have you felt turned on? Have you connected to your husband since then?

Yes, I have.

What I would do is, because I don't want to like— I want you to see how you feel. This is what I want you to do. I would love it if you— do you ever masturbate on your own? That's what masturbation is. I guess I love mutual. Okay, so I would recommend that you like take a bath, get yourself into a comfortable place where you're feeling relaxed, and you masturbate. You take some time and you see like, because it's kind of like getting to know you guys, like what is happening down there. And I think you're going to find that probably not much is different. Like, you're not feeling any pain right now, you think you've recovered, and then feel that sexual, like, the sexual Stacy that you are, you know, and do that, and then see how it feels. And then when you're with your partner again, your husband, you can just kind of take it slow and have them, you know, see how it feels for him to touch you, use his fingers. And just like everything, I always think, you know, it helps to go slow with everything. So getting back into it again, but I think that what you could expect is definitely have some lube because you might be a little bit dry dryer. I recommend Uber Lube. I love, you know, a good silicone lube. And let him know, like, communicate with him, because this is the most important thing, Stacy. And, and actually, if this, you know, you can always call back, you know, talk to your doctor if there are any side effects after you have sex. But it sounds like, you know, once you masturbate and do this, keep them in the loop. Like, you don't want him to be like, you have come back and you're all like, oh, I'm all healed, right? Let them know this process that you're going through, because I also think if you have expectations on yourself right now, like, oh, what if I can't orgasm, or what if I'm not as, you know, that's going to be defeatist. But if you let him know that, like, I want to take it slow and here's what I'm going through. I think that that process alone of being transparent with him will allow you to truly relax into your body and just connect again, and everything will go a lot smoother.

Okay, thank you so much. You're so welcome, Stacy.

Keep me posted and let me know how it goes.

All right, well, we have Ryan, 29, from California, who wants to talk about sex robots.

All right. Hey, Ryan, what's going on?

Let's talk about it. Hey, not much, just, you know, excited I'm living in the future. Yep. Where all this is existing, right? Um, you know, I thought it was interesting growing up as a guy, you know, you hear about girls having dildos and all these options, and you as a guy, you really just kind of have your hand. And but eventually I, I kind of discovered the Fleshlight. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think it was kind of like, like a discount one or like a name brand, right? It's okay. But I tried it and I thought it was really thrilling. It was kinky and almost like it was like a different— you can use your imagination a little more. But, and so it was great. But afterwards, I, you know, you feel great, but then you're like, I gotta clean this thing.

I thought you were gonna say that you felt shame. Like some men have orgasms and they like slap their kid, like they're watching porn and they're like, I feel dirty. But what you're saying is you had to clean it.

Yeah, I guess I had this like task in my mind. I'm like, okay, well, I can't clean it like tomorrow, I have to kind of pay attention to this now. It's kind of a mess that needs to be handled immediately, which, you know, I guess it's kind of like sex because you kind of have to— you always have that cleanup phase afterwards where it's just—

yeah, but it was worth it. We have to clean up our toys, you guys. Women have to clean up our toys after every time we use them too, because then it gets bacteria.

Like, true, this thing had like cracks and crevices, and like, I honestly— it didn't come with instructions. I was like, I don't know how to clean this thing. It took me forever. Oh my God. Options as a guy, like, that I'm not going to have to feel like it's more of a chore than it should be.

Yeah, well, what else do we have? I mean, there are disposable ones. There's just Tenga, T-E-N-G-A. They make disposable masturbation sleeves that you just might want to buy. They're cheaper and you can just kind of throw it away after. Really? That's the easy fix. And then, yeah, there's— people don't know what the Fleshlight is, is it's like, it kind of like they say, out of a penis, but it simulates like the real deal. Like, it feels like with the ridges and the bumps, it's like their special patented material developed by NASA. That's their whole thing with Fleshlight. It just feels like, because yeah, men have their hands, like, what do I need? I got my hand. But Ryan, I love that you, that you checked it, that you tried it, and you're like, yeah, that was kind of cool.

The other thing is lube too. You gotta, because at first I, I couldn't do it without, I was like, oh yeah, I need to use lube.

Yeah. And actually the Fleshlight, yeah, you got to use lube. And I don't understand why men don't use lube every time they masturbate. We don't understand I would want it every time. Isn't it just hard? Don't you just like ever—

Yeah, it's not a dry rub. You know, it's not a dry rub.

It is a dry rub though. But some men don't use lube. They don't use anything. I get you could use lotion, but I think you should use lube instead. I'm just saying. But also, Ryan, the other thing is the Fleshlight makes a Quick Shot. It's called a Quick Shot and it's a little smaller, but it's open on both sides.

Sides so you can just clean it up the old-fashioned way. All right, Ryan?

Wherever I want. Yeah. I appreciate that.

Yeah, there you go. I'm full of things for you. Also, the Hot Octopus is a cool toy. It's a little more pricey, but it's a Hot Octopus Pulse 3. It's like half a masturbation. It goes around you. It's a toy. It oscillates on your frenulum. I love that Ryan's getting curious here with all the toys. So I'm just throwing them all out. All right, thanks, Ryan. Thanks for calling. We haven't talked about the Fleshlight in a while. I feel like 5 years ago, the Fleshlight was— we talked about a lot more on the show, but like, I love it. Fleshlight is cool for men to mix it up. If you're on the road a lot, You wanna try something different than your hand. Like women, we've got so many toys, right? We can try different sensations. We've got all those nerve endings to stimulate. Well, men, just cuz we have 8,000 and they have 4,000, they still, that's still a lot of nerve endings to stimulate. Yeah.

I mean, it's a lot. And the cool thing about like the Quickshot, or I think they have like the Flesh, Flesh, Flesh, there was some, I don't know, it's escaping me right now. The Flesh Skin. Yeah. Flesh Skin. It's like you can use it with your partner and it just like makes, it's like the handy hand job. Helper. Yeah, it is, right?

It's hand job helper. Yeah, use lube and use the handy hand job helper. I know we're talking about flushing. Yeah, I think the Quick Shot was also a hand job helper.

Yeah, like, why not have something to help speed it up?

Do we think that sex has to be this whole, like, natural, like, nothing's— we don't need anything, condoms, lube, toy, like, it should just be our bodies together in erotic bliss? But sometimes that works, but not always.

Which is also funny because there's always, like, these random stories stories that you see where guys are sticking their dicks in like vacuums or like other random things, and I'm like, in their dicks and everything they can, right? So might as well get a toy that was meant for your dick.

Yeah, get a toy to stick your dick in and not the vacuum.

Yes. Let's talk to Sarah, who's 24 in Pennsylvania. She wants to know how to keep a sex life going in a long-distance relationship.

Hey Sarah, thanks for calling. How can I help you? Hi. Hi. All right.

I find myself getting frustrated. I understand. Yeah.

How long you guys been together? 4 years. 4 years long distance and you're 24. So since you're 20, you've been in a long distance relationship.

Well, we were together for 3 years and then he went to med school across the country.

Got it. Okay. So of course you're frustrated. You miss him, right? Yeah. Is there an end date where you know you're going to be in the same city?

We have one more year.

Okay, so you're trying to keep it interesting while he's away? Yes. Okay, well, I have to say that it's a good time if you're in a long-distance relationship and you know there's an end, which I like, because I'm not into all these long-distance things and we don't know what we're gonna do, we might just be long-distance forever. But it's a great time to do this because there's so much great technology now that can actually keep you more connected. So, do you guys ever do any phone sex or sexting or FaceTime anything? Do you ever do any of that?

We've done it a couple times and it's been good. Okay. I mean, there just hasn't been like that much to it.

Right. Okay, well, I think it'd be fun to set a date night with him when you're on FaceTime or Skype, and then you, you know, you have a date where you're actually like having dinner together, you're each having a glass of wine, and then you could have some— you guys could have some intimate conversations there, like about your sex life. You could play a game. There's some really great games. You could each like pick a, you could, there's some online games or there's some card, like there's one called actually called Monogamy, which we love. It's like Monopoly, but monogamy, even though you're not in the same place. Or there's some trivia questions you could ask each other, just get to know each other. There's like Mad Libs for sex. There's other things we have. There's just fun board games. There's fun questions that you could get to know each other and ask intimate things about your sex life. You guys could fill out a yes, no, maybe list. And figure out what you guys both like to do in bed. You know, get more intimate, like get, start talking about things that you desire, maybe talking about things that you really love from your past and just kind of, yeah, have a real date. You could also use toys. Do you guys ever use toys? Because there's, We-Vibe makes toys that you can actually use something called the We-Connect app. And so he could be long distance and be controlling the toy with you. In the, another city, another country. Oh yeah.

That sounds, yeah. I didn't know that was a thing. I know, right?

There's one called the Moxie and it's so cool. And it's like a wearable vibe. I mean, you could be wearing it out and about and he could control it from anywhere on his phone. You guys can, and they actually in their app, their WeConnect app, it's kind of like a FaceTime thing. There's video too. So you don't have to use the video function, but you can, you could like call each other and you could be controlling it. But I feel like you're probably missing him cuz you miss the intimacy. And so if there's a way you could like, into each other's eyes, have a conversation. Maybe you could have some good conversations about your sex life.

I miss the touch.

Yeah, well, that's what's hard because you're not in the same room. So, I mean, oh, but would you— how often do you see him? About once a month. Okay, so I think it'd be fun to kind of like— anticipation is so hot. Like, that's the thing about long-distance relationships is it already is hot because you have that built-in like missing the person and then the buildup. But maybe if you start to kind of plan your next sex session together, like, what would it look like? Maybe you're dressing up, maybe you're roleplaying, maybe you're using some toys together, and then you both have something to look forward to. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about any of this stuff?

Yeah, he's really open.

Okay. I hope that's helpful for you. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for calling. Let me know how it goes. Thank you. So welcome. I think we have a blog too, long-distance sex. Do we have on our site?

Yeah, there was like a few things. So just search long distance, search long distance.

Distance sex. So long distance, on our website, Sarah, we've got a great post for you blog there that will help you out as well. It's a good time. Have the conversations.

Yeah, and I think, I mean, it's good that if they see each other at least once a month, I think that's like awesome.

Yeah, and then plan for the sex. Plan for something.

Yeah, make it like an escapade. Yeah, I've always, I've never like, I don't do that enough actually, like plan out a whole sex session Yeah, I think you should. I'm going to—

well, I mean, plan it out too, but eventually, like, how would you plan it out?

I would like figure out exactly my scenario. I'd have all the toys out. Yes. Rolled up. I'd have lingerie ready to go and be like, okay, hour 1, right? Like, all— no penetration, all the other stuff. And then hour 2, then let's get in— get into to that. And then hour 3, let's like take a snack break. Yes. And then let's go.

Yeah, adventures.

I love just like having sex and then eating something naked and then just going back to the sex.

Me too. And then never leaving your house all weekend.

Oh, it's been so long. I know, same.

Thanks to my awesome team. I love you, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.