Shameless Sex,Trends & Threesomes with April Lampert

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by April Lambert from the Shameless Sex Podcast along with her partner, and we cover a lot from sex toys to communication to potential threesomes. Topics include: if 2018 was the year of anal licking, what's 2019 gonna be about? Why being your authentic self is the sexiest thing you can do. Working for a sex toy company and the perks that come along with it, no pun intended. And a few tips on how to have healthy communication with your partner. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's got to have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Subscribe to our podcast, which is great. We love when you subscribe. We love when you rate the podcast. Makes life so much easier for me and for you. Also, follow us on all social media. We're doing a lot of giveaways. We took a little break from the giveaways, and then we're like, you know, we know we You've got the toys, you've got the desire, we're gonna send them to you. So follow us @sexwithemily, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all the places. Also, you guys, if you haven't heard the news, I am on SiriusXM radio Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East, on channel Stars 109. And if you guys don't have Sirius, no problem, you can go to sexwithemily.com/sxm, get a free 30-day trial. And I gotta tell you, they might not be happy that I say this, but even if you can't hear it, if you're you're around during those hours and you want me to answer your question, you can call 888-947-8277. I'm so excited for my guests to be here today. I have April Lampert.

Hi, Emily.

Hi. Hi. And I have her partner Bobby.

Hello, Emily.

Hello.

Thank you for calling my partner and not boyfriend.

Yeah, that's kind of the way it goes now, right?

Right. People think I'm a lesbian usually when my partner Bobby— because Bobby Could be a female or male name, but I'm like, neutral.

Yeah, it's gender neutral. Exactly. And so I was like, your partner? Yeah, it is kind of a thing here in our sex industry, like my partner, not my boyfriend, girlfriend. And I never loved the term boyfriend, girlfriend anyway, especially when you get older. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Like, you can ask me to go steady.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'm excited. So April, this is her second time on the show. April and her partner Amy— not lesbian partner, although I don't know, but they're BFFs. And actually, they were on the podcast, and it such a hit. It was called The Year of Anal Licking, because after— I'm sure you're going to want to go look at it, but it was one of our top podcasts of the year. And so, and now they have a podcast called Shameless Sex.

Yes, just— you were, you were the, the mother of our idea to have a podcast. After we had it, we were like, we love this, Emily. So thank you for your love and support.

It's my pleasure. It is my pleasure to support you. We need more people talking about sex, and I had so much fun being on it. So you guys can check out that episode. We were at a sex toy trade show. And so we were all toyed up and talking about it. And you can find her at Shameless Sex Podcast on Instagram or at April Lampert, L-A-M-P-E-R-T. My first question: what do you think that 2019 is going to be the year of?

Since 2017 was a year of anal licking, I think— oh well, with sex, I'm hoping to kind of cross some barriers, maybe, uh, get a little bit more open in the bedroom with my partner over here because we've never explored across the threesome boundary. And I know I threw that out there to you by accident the other day, remember?

What if I would have been on board? Then you like truncated it.

I know.

Would you want to have a threesome with me, or are we too close?

Do I have a say? Bobby, are you guys just negotiating without me right now?

I mean, you would be down, let's face it. Okay, yeah, that means good. So maybe this will be the year of opening boundaries within my partnership. I have to set certain rules though. I can't just go like anywhere, anytime. Like, I have to preset, organize, get out of my head about it, and, um, talk with him, negotiate. But yeah, maybe that's this is the year of breaking sexual boundaries.

I think so. You know, I gotta tell you, it's funny you say that in your personal relationship perhaps, but also I feel like trends that I've seen over the last 14 years, that the last year people are a lot more open and a lot more interested in how do we open up our relationship? How do we do this alternative relationship thing and make it work? So I wanna talk about your relationship for a second just so we can get some background before we delve right into it. So, You guys have been together for—

so I recorded that podcast with you 2 years ago. I met him like right after that because I was single. That was like— it was the year of anal licking, getting licked by the German dude and all sorts of dudes across the world.

Is that what it was? I'm trying to remember.

But I was an anal virgin. I finally lost my anal virginity to my partner here, Bobby. I had my analversary on January 14th, 1-year analversary.

Congratulations! I wish I had something for you. I might have some anal ease or something. Oh, that'd be great. So you were saving it?

I was, for someone special.

And how was it, the anal?

At first it was a little intense, but now I've, you know, taken a— the first time intense, but second, third, fourth time has been more pleasurable. It's really fun. It spices it up. You just have to go slower than slow, right? Like, it has to be finger, not just the whole Monty, right?

Not the whole, right? Start with the finger and a little prep, right?

And lots of lube. Like, you always talk about lube. Oh my God, and it's so important because the anal, you know, cavity isn't self-lubricating, not like the vaginal canal. So you have to use lube. And sometimes spit kind of doesn't work.

You need to get saliva, like pounds of lube, like vats of lube.

Like more lube than not enough lube.

I want one of those dispensers like on my wall in my bedroom, like the Purell dispenser, but just lube.

I think that's a genius. Maybe you can invent that.

I know, maybe I could.

A sexy lube dispenser.

A sexy lube dispenser. That's actually great. Okay, we'll take that note.

So we met in the Caribbean at a friend's wedding. And Amy, my best friend, who I have the Shameless Sex Podcast with, had actually hooked up with him a few times, and Bobby's like 14 years older than me. And she was like, you need to work through your daddy issues, you should hook up with Bobby. Oh, and I was like, I don't need your seconds, girl. And then I met him, I was like, well, maybe I do. And can I tell a story that is maybe embarrassing? So I had seen an actual video of his dick before I even met him because he sent Amy a dick video.

And I was better than a dick pic.

It was better than a dick pic, and it was actually a beautiful action. And I was like, did you do that often? He's like, no, I swear I never did.

That was my first dick pic.

That was my first dick pic. And I was like, wow, but it was really beautiful. You had a beautiful penis. And I was like, yeah. And after they hooked up, she got STD checked, she was clean. I was like, it's a go.

Oh my God, that is so nutritious. She is your great friend.

I know she is.

So here's my question. Did Amy show you the dick pic when they were dating?

Or did you only pull it up? It was very casual. Like she was on a break from her person, he had been single. So I had actually never met him, but she had talked about their hookups. Like, they hooked up twice, and I was like, oh, that sounds like really a lot of fun. He like drew her a bath with like essential oils and all sorts of things.

I am coming to visit you guys.

I am 14 years older than her, you know.

I know, you know how to draw baths.

I'm trying to—

so yeah, it was, it was definitely, um, laid out for me, but I didn't want to go down that road because I had never really hooked up with any of my girlfriend's like, uh, ex-hookups, right? So for me, that was new because I was married.

Yeah.

And I was in a lot of monogamous long-term relationships, so it was like a totally out of the box weird thing. And Santa Cruz is— I mean, you know, it's a small town. I mean, it's kind of one of those things that it's not— Bobby always says, like they say among the friends, like, it's not your girlfriend, it's your turn.

Because there's just a few— there's just not that many people. So not your girlfriend because everyone's kind of hooking up.

Everybody's hot and takes care of themselves. Yeah, everybody's open. Yeah, a lot of non-monogamous relationship, open relationships, a lot just very open humans that are pretty cool.

I need to come there. I'm trying to find the name of the guy I hooked up with.

So you searched hat because he has your hat?

He has my hat, but now I just remembered I saved him under Wanderlust because I met him at the Wanderlust Festival. Oh, so you found him after the show? I'm gonna find him. I just remembered. I'm double thinking here.

You must really like that hat.

No, I liked his car.

Oh, there we go.

He knew how to use it.

He did, he did. So So Santa Cruz, yeah, everything I know about sex in Santa Cruz right now is getting me very excited because it was my one. And then you guys seem amazing. So you got together 2 years ago now?

Almost June. Yeah, we met in June 2 years ago, and it's pretty cool. I mean, he's, you know, he has 3 daughters.

I know.

So let's talk about that.

So you have 3 daughters. How old are they?

Uh, my oldest is 24. Um, my middle daughter's 20— no, geez, 20— and then 14.

Oh my God. Okay.

And it impressed me so much how openly he was talking to sex with them, like about, like, I don't know, just like how I never ever could talk to my mom about sex. I don't know if you ever did.

No, my mom told me to smoke a joint. Yeah, that was literally the only sex advice she said. I'm like, Mom, I can't have orgasm. She's like, maybe you should get high. And that was it.

Listen up a little bit.

But I didn't take her advice till like 20 years later. I'm like, she's fucking right.

Yeah.

So, so yeah. Okay, so, so 3 daughters and then you come in and then so you were married, divorced twice, twice. Yeah, okay. And is your exes— are they around?

Yeah, totally co-parent. Everything's wonderful. We get along really well. Super healthy environment. All my daughters are—

I mean, are they obsessed with April? Um, I'm sure it's complicated.

She's actually the first one that I was dating or in a relationship with that they were okay with. Um, they were drawn.

It took some time.

And, and, you know, I mean, yeah, there's—

you can't force on them.

No, no, I wasn't like, like me. I wanted them to like me, but I didn't. I gave them space. Because I don't know, I mean, it's their dad. They're like, like, they are obsessed with their father, all three of them. Like, Dad, Dad. So I knew, you know, there was a lot of female energy. I do much better with boys, right? I grew up with a brother. I think you have a brother. I mean, I do. I just like boys. I can jive with— and I said that when I first started dating him. I'm like, if you had three boys, I'd be the hit right now.

Yeah, like, but you're the hit right now.

They love you. I gotta say, April, you're so such a likable person. You really are. From the second I met you, your energy Just everything you put out in the world, it's just so positive and open. I feel like who wouldn't like April? I could have said girl. I mean, I never liked my dad's wives, but eventually I did.

Sure.

But I'm just saying that's tough.

I was a product of stepparents too, and I hate— they were all so mean.

Yeah. Well, they were mean, but we're so much more evolved now.

Totally evolved.

But you're saying our parents didn't talk about sex. So, you know, it's a different world.

No.

But now, so you're open, you're a great dad.

Yeah.

And now you guys, so it's, and you live together?

We do. We live together. And yeah. And Bobby, actually, it's funny cuz I'm in this, you know, sex toy industry, like Hot Octopus. I am the VP of sales. Got questions for you about that. Totally. And he's in the cannabis industry. He has like the legalized cultivation of Santa Cruz. It's called Santa Cruz Roots. And so we have the sex and drugs and now we just need some rock and roll.

We need some rock and roll. That's right. I was just saying that the other day. Sex and drugs. Yeah. I mean, that is— What do you think about marijuana for sex?

Great. I think marijuana is great in anything. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely, it helps you relax and, you know.

It tends to help you get out of your head. Yeah.

It is all about the strain. 'Cause like indica, like Indica Ouch, and then sativa, you kind of get like a little bit like, More pumped up.

There's a time and a place, right? Yeah, yeah, definitely.

You gotta monitor it and stuff.

So Californians are such weed snobs too. Do you ever like go out and someone offers you like a puff of something and I'm like, wait, is that sativa?

I do that.

What strain is it? I do too, because I'm like, I don't want to be like—

I want to fall asleep.

I don't want to be paranoid or acting weird.

The whole thing. I have to moderate it and not be like doing my show or a meeting or like just, you know, right, for sex.

I mean, you would love to complement sex for sure, because he just has access to some of the best weed like in the country. I mean, it's amazing. He grows boutique like—

what's it called? Can people go there and buy it or— uh, no, we are—

we have a cultivation license first. So we grow a high-end luxury, uh, you know, flower, and then we have distribution also. So we work directly with dispensaries, um, in Northern—

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And Southern California, it is really just—

it's like the Wild West right now.

It is.

West Hollywood just got like all their stuff. You can actually— it's gonna be called the New Amsterdam. We're in West Hollywood right now, we're recording, so you can actually have on-site consumption.

That's what I heard. There's gonna be all— did you know this, Jane? There's gonna be all these cafes.

So it's going to be like the new Amsterdam.

There's gonna be a huge—

I mean, push.

Like, I think it's ever moving.

And sex and cannabis does, I think, make a lot of sense. I tend to get in my head, which you— I know you've talked about on your show because I've listened to your show a lot. Getting in your head with sex is like the worst thing you can do. Like, when am I going to orgasm? Am I going to orgasm?

And your partner picks up on that too, right?

Oh yeah, right. But we— even when I was just on your podcast, Shameless Sex, you were talking about a few things like, well, I'm in my head, I'm in my head, in my head. And it is something that, again, just because we're experts, the more you It doesn't mean that it makes it— mindfulness is not something you ever master. Like, even the Buddha is still like— was like, he's not around anymore, maybe, but maybe he might be in almost— but even like the experts, it's still, it's a practice. So every time— so how have you best learned to kind of deal with that during sex, to get out of your head?

I practice breathing into my yoni. This sounds so wooey, like hippie wooey shit, but I just like close my eyes, don't open them, because then I'll just like look at his expression or what we're doing and breathe into like my yoni space. Like, I'm like, you know, kind of that deep, not the quick breathing, but like the slow breath. Because sometimes breath just can like not trigger the flight or fight. It kind of triggers you to kind of ease into things, and that really helps. And if I, I try to communicate if something doesn't feel good, you could, you know, use different techniques. If you're not into actually speaking, you can use a tap method, right? But I'm totally in my head, and my partner, he feels that. He's like, dude, like, what's happening? Is everything good? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me just like check myself. But weed does kind of help sometimes.

It can help for a lot of people. Yeah, absolutely. It can help. Yeah, you're right. You gotta find the right strain.

And breath.

You're right. We talk about that all the time too, that breath. And not the— when we do, when we do the shallow breath, which most of us do, do the shallow breathing, that is the fight or flight. We're like, but when you learn to really do that deep breath, then we can really just— it helps circulate the blood flow, can just help you just automatically.

Have you ever tried just moaning? Like intensely moaning? Like just getting in into it without even— even if you're not having an orgasm, just moaning it out like where your neighbors are pissed. That's the best.

That's why I don't have neighbors. That's why I live in a house now, because I'm so loud.

Oh, I share a wall with a person with a daycare next door, and I'm like, you know what, I give zero fucks. Yeah, these little kids are screaming, and you know, they're screaming, you're screaming.

Why can the kids scream and I can't scream? I hear you. I'm down with that. I totally get what you're saying.

Do you do the same thing? Because you probably are a heady person like me, I'm assuming.

Oh yeah, I'm always thinking. I'm always in my head, and I've To me, that's the biggest thing, has been able to focus on the senses in the moment, is the breath. And then I go back to like the candles that I, you know, the scent and the sound. What am I listening to? And the touch.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, then you— that takes me out of my head. So that's what helps me. Okay, so when you guys got together in your 30s, 40s, which is so different than being married early, how did you guys come together with all the stuff that you know about sex?

Yeah.

Um, April, and then Bobby, I'm sure you seem— you couldn't— evolved as a sexual being. Did you guys have anything to overcome? Could you talk about your 2-year journey of your sex life or things that— we already know what the anniversary—

it's funny because people— yeah, the anniversary, that took, that took some time. But we would be out together and I would hear people come up to him and be like, wow, that's a lot of pressure, Bobby, to be, to be with April. Like, I'm sure, like, well, you know. And, and he'd be like, what are you talking about? It's all good. And for me, I, I don't know, I think people automatically and maybe you deal with this, Emily, but think you're some kind of freak where they're like, oh, she's just probably wild. I'm like, I'm probably more vanilla than 3/4 of these people. And unfortunately, but fortunately, I just like— that's me. I like sexual slowness and, and sensuality. And, you know, I occasionally— I like banging it out like rabbit style, of course. But, um, I— it was funny because our journey was really— I don't know, it was, it was like we had this mind-blowing sex initially, and then it kind of went into like, kind of like getting to know each other's sex patterns. And I get into my head a lot about not having sex enough.

Oh, okay.

And he threw out, he's like, do you use sex for love? Like, is that what you think sex is related to? Love? And I was like, maybe I do. So he'll check me and then I check him about things. And it's always a journey. It never is boring. And I've come to realize that like, yes, communication is key. And that's so, I feel like that's what everybody says, but it is really trying to make space for each other, making the time to have sex because I'm busy with my career, he's busy with his career, and then he's got kids on top of it, which, you know, yeah, the last thing you want to do is schedule sex.

No, no, no, but scheduling sex works.

But sometimes, I mean, it's like, I know, really good if it's organic too, you know.

No, no, we want it all to be organic too, but there are a lot of people that are just like, it's never happening.

So you get to choose, and I wanted like the time that ripping your clothes off sex, you know, and, and, uh, and, and it's happened, but it's been like over time, so it keeps getting better, but we keep evolving, which I I think, yeah, is so key.

Communication is a lubrication.

Yeah. And then everyone always talks about the honeymoon phase of like banging it out for like the first 3 years. And I think that in our adult phases of life, that is possible, but also you have things to do and sometimes it's not necessarily happening. So I really try to keep the passion alive by just trying to be sexy. I do my little lingerie dance. That's what helps me.

Tell me about your lingerie dance.

I have a whole stripper routine.

Oh, we keep some ones in the drawer.

Yeah, no, I'm serious.

Like, really? So you— did you tell me about this?

So I have a stripper song that I usually play. He won't know. I'm like, I'm gonna go put on my pajamas, and he'll think it's like movie time, movie night. And then I'll go put on— I've got like a lingerie drawer of different options, and I have the, the like sluttiest amazing stripper heels. They're like platform with like 6-inch heels, and I put those things on, kind of like get my— yeah, teeter down the stairs. And then I play my little, uh, it's a Juicy J, like, Banzamaker dance.

And then it's got a great routine. It's like, it's great. And then I got a great heel, uh, oh yeah.

And so I'll like push him down and like do like a lap dance, and I'll like try to twerk my—

and it's different than a strip club because, you know, you actually get it.

You get—

you get—

you're allowed to touch, right? Yeah, yeah. You're— that is amazing. How did you learn that? Did you take like a pole dancing class?

I've been to a lot of strip clubs, right?

Okay. Yeah, I took the whole Sheila Kelly— were you a stripper? Were you a dancer?

No, but they always think that I am when I go because I'm like, I give them praise. I'm like, you look so good, girl. Like, this is so nice. And I'm like, you know, throw in dollar. I just like to support.

Like, you gotta support. We're such girls, girls. I'm like, you look hot, you look great.

I'm like, you look beautiful, your body— your body's beautiful, you're dancing. And I'll talk to them because, I mean, we've been in Amsterdam together and he actually doesn't like lap dances, but I call him Santa Claus at the strip club because all the strippers go straight up to him no matter where we are— Amsterdam to New York to San San Francisco, strippers go up to him like he's Santa. And I'm always like, 2, 3 at a time, literally. He won't even be giving them any money.

Bad thing, maybe.

Maybe he's got daddy energy.

He does.

Did you feel that when he walked in?

Yeah, but daddy calming, sexy, it's all good. I love this relationship. You're right, I knew that I wanted to meet you guys, but this is— I'm so happy for you.

Oh, thank you.

This just seems like a really good connection. Sometimes just, you know, in life you never know when it's gonna happen. I think there's something be said for going through divorces and figuring your shit out, knowing who you are and what you want, and then making it happen. And you guys have done a lot of work on yourselves and he's still doing it. Yeah, I mean, I agree, you're never done. Anyone who thinks they can just rest on their laurels in a relationship, um, they're wrong. You need somebody to never stop talking and communicating about it. That's totally gonna happen.

You need someone— and you know, Emily, too, because you're in this like world of talking sex— it's hard to meet people that like support that in a full way, right? People will say they do and then they get really uncomfortable about about, I don't know, putting yourself out there and knowing things. And he's been super supportive and, um, has never said like, why did you say that on the air? Or why did you talk about our anniversary in the way you did?

And how dare you share the anniversary? That was our thing, babe, the anniversary.

Well, there are some things. Again, I do have 3 daughters.

Did you get her like an engraved butt plug?

Not yet.

Okay.

No.

Oh yeah, some of his daughter's friends texted.

We should—

we'll text, we'll text. His daughter's like, oh, I listened to April's podcast and I learn some things about your dad that are pretty interesting.

So there's some of that where I'm like, well, maybe we could keep some of this, you know. But I am like, you know, relatively anonymous.

Yeah, yeah, it's complicated though. No, I get it. And when you ask me, it is kind of interesting to be dating.

Sure.

And there are so many assumptions that when people— when guys meet me, they're like, oh, Sex with Emily, she must be a prostitute, she must be. Yeah, yeah. Which I have to say, I know a few things about a few things. Yeah. But I'm not not probably what everyone would assume. And then you're wondering, are people want to date just because they assume that you are that girl? Or just, you know, so it's a whole nother host of things. But then once you— it doesn't— then that shit doesn't really matter, because if you meet someone, you knew that he wasn't just like, April, like, you're— you can tell those guys too. No, I'm not even gonna have a coffee with those guys because I don't know who they are, right? You can pick out the evolved ones.

He told me though, he said, like, when I met him, he's like, yeah, you're totally an 8. And I was like, sprechen Sie Deutsch?

Are you serious?

I was like, that is so She came on hard, she wouldn't—

I wouldn't be sitting here.

Yeah, yeah, don't write any dating advice.

I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, it was like all by design, right?

No, I get it. No, right, so you kind of do the negging. Were you a player in your youth?

Ooh, um, yeah, I mean, definitely. I, I grew up very, um, sexual as a— from a young age.

I read your high school yearbook and it said like most likely to like—

I was the flirt.

Yeah, flirt and date like a supermodel. Like, I don't know, it was like Christie.

Yeah, I don't know, I always flirt with women.

Up.

I told her, when I'm— women when I was growing up, I liked younger women when I was older.

Yeah.

And I have two divorces, so I mean, I— yeah, I'm that person.

Yeah.

Okay. I have an open mind to a lot of different things. And, and yeah, so it was—

it's good to date the guy who's a former player, like, in your later years, because you're not— who's— it's exhausting, and you got three kids. Like, well, and then kind of give it up.

And her— April, you know, and definitely, you know, when we met each other, we were not—

Christie Brinkley's got nothing on you. Absolutely. Oh, Emily.

So yeah, I mean, when we were met each other in the Caribbean.

We weren't looking— she was totally fine. She was the year of anal licking. I had a decent rotation going. I felt pretty good about myself, and it just happened. I mean, we definitely connected. And, uh, maybe it was the place we were in, being in the Caribbean.

P.S., like, your best friend and his girlfriend went down to me at the—

yeah, so I got— we were actually like a threesome. Oh no, not really.

It was like this whole thing.

Tell the story. Okay. All right.

So how could you not tell that story?

So basically, um, you know, we were there for a wedding, so we were— we a group of 15 to 20 people that were all sharing this like amazing compound in the Caribbean on St. John. So, you know, I had met April and we were— it was like the first— actually, I think it was like the first night. Yeah.

And I was like, I'm not having sex with you. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, you are.

No.

Um, but so what happened was we had another, uh—

quick question just for some continuity. You already knew? You'd already seen his dick video at this point? And Amy was already encouraging you at this point?

Like, okay, we'd seen each other around. There was definitely, you know, we knew who each other were. Um, and so we had another couple that was there with us, and, uh, each one of the little bungalows had like a shared another room that was connected to it. And, um, there were some close friends of my business partner actually, and a lady that he's been, you know, on and off again for a while, and they had the room next door to us. And so my business partner knew that I, you know, thought she was attractive and it was all good. And so basically they had set the table people, uh, and were in, in a situation with her where they were— had already, you know, like she was basically naked on their bed. And then he took a timeout and I was hanging out with some other people and he's like, um, right now's the time, you need to come with me. And I was like, I didn't even question anything, I just like went with him. And then when I walked in the room, like, I think his partner was— she was going down.

Yeah. And I was like, I don't like any of this, what's happening, you're not doing it right.

I was like, I'm just trying to give her like some pointers. And then, you know, it It was like my partner, he tried because, you know, obviously her— his friend was not satisfactory. Yeah. And we were like, you know, we all got a shot, you know, to try. And she was just this pillow princess, was just kind of—

I was like, all right. Which is standard. That's the thing about threesomes that I think might be challenging is because I like to be the— and I've been communicative with that, and I would be communicative with the— yeah, and want to be the center of the attention.

I would well do, right?

Yeah. So maybe it'd have to be like a trade-off situation, like in the negotiation of the threesome.

As a man though, I I feel like it's best if you just sit back and let it happen and not try and coordinate or direct, or you just kind of go with the energy of—

is that your— yeah, I would love some threesome tips for, for the, for the listeners because I think it's obviously the top question, top fantasy. And I feel like you've had it, you've had— you both have experiences. I think that that is true, that it's more about— guys are like, how do I— I get this email all the time, how do I get my girlfriend to have a threesome? I'm like, that doesn't—

let your girlfriend initiate it and you let her pick who the partner is so she's comfortable with with it. And you definitely don't try and force or direct, or like, let it be organic. Let them find their connection. And I mean, we're cavemen relatively, so in most cases, and you go with the flow, and then you find your place within that.

So do you have any good threesome tips though? Like anything, like your best— I know negotiate boundaries, I always talk about you got to negotiate things ahead of time, but how would you— is there anything you could give some more details to that?

Maybe I would probably, like, from a personal— I can speak from a personal perspective I would go with someone that you don't really know well at all, that you're not going to probably see again. So, uh, maybe if you have— I don't know, I know there's tons of apps now that you can find people.

Yeah, like Field.

Yeah, so you could go to a different city and do that and then kind of have like a random hookup. And, and then you couldn't figure out from each experience what went well, like have, um, like, you know, a processing session after each time. But I don't know, I think that my goal in a threesome is always to definitely feel pleasure and to provide pleasure, but it's like fun and it spices things up. So maybe bust out some toys, because toys are something different that you a lot of times can use with partners, but then obviously want to clean them afterward.

Especially always clean them.

Yes. But I think like that would make it really fun too. And, um, I don't know, don't drink so much where you're not going to remember, right?

That's a bummer to black out during a threesome. You're like, I heard it was hot, I was there, I missed the whole goddamn thing.

But I do think that it's important, especially from a hetero perspective. If you're in a hetero relationship, a lot of times, um, especially since you say a lot of men are reaching out to you to see how they can get their girls to have threesome— girlfriends to have threesomes— yeah, have, have the, uh, the female part of the relationship kind of, uh, figure it out, what, what they want, the person, choose the person, and set some of the boundaries because the guy's, you know, gonna participate, uh, accordingly.

It's gonna be down. Yeah. Have you been with two men in a threesome?

No, no.

Would you want to?

I threw that out there to him when he was throwing out the threesome thing. I was like, well, would you hook up with me and two— and you and another guy? And he was like, no, absolutely not.

It would depend on the guy. Bummer. No, but it would depend on the guy. Okay, let me retract. If I— if you—

so would you like— I want to do DP, like one's in the pink, one's in the stink?

I mean, if it presented itself, I'm not gonna say really.

Which one would you choose?

Uh, I mean, it just depends.

Would you— but how would you— you took her anal virginity— anal virginity, what is it called? My anal virginity. Are you ready for another penetrative source into her?

You know, again, for me as a guy, you're the only one right now, right?

I mean, for me as a guy, I wouldn't want some random, you know, no random. I would want—

I would want—

I would want a buddy that I know and trust in that. I'm kind of a more of an alpha type of a person, so either I'm gonna feel comfortable with you or you're not. And that may or may not set the tone for the rest of the, uh, session.

If you're, if you're giving him the stink eye, yeah, he might be scared.

And yeah, well, I mean, and so, uh, I think I'd rather do it with more of a, a friend, you know. So maybe that's the difference between you doing it with a, uh, you've had 3 Sims with one of your friends before?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I've had 3 Sims with several of my friends before.

Yeah.

Oh, several dudes?

Yeah.

Guy friends? Yeah. Okay, so then you would be down if it was the right guy?

If it was the right guy. But those, I was not in a relationship with those women when I was doing it, right? So it changed to me. My best 3 where nobody—

none of us were attached. It kind of just happened.

High five, see you later.

Exactly. That was the best thing.

One thing though, if this part— if part of the negotiation, if someone's emailing you about threesomes and their partner is a hard no, it might be time to either— if they're a hard no and it's something that's very important to this listener that's writing in, like they want this and their partner continues to say no no matter what they're trying to figure out together, it might be time to either find a new partner or open up the relationship in a different way.

Yeah.

Because that is like, if it's that important to you and your partner is not seeing you or meeting you in the middle, it might be time to think outside the box.

It's true. It is true because that could be a deal breaker, right? Like people are together and you really want to open up and your partner doesn't. You're not going to get your girlfriend or get your partner if they don't really feel it and they don't want to.

They'll end up like, you know, and then you end up cheating and then it ends up out of integrity and then it just is like a big shitstorm when you could have just used good communication, right?

Exactly. Like we said earlier, you can't win if you don't—

you gotta communicate.

And it might be a hard conversation to have. You might might be scared, but those types of situations, that friction is like where growth comes from. And you might get something great out of it. Maybe a new partner, right? Maybe a great threesome. Maybe something you didn't know about your partner. Maybe they have trauma and they didn't want to talk about, right? Exactly. They had a bad experience with a threesome, right?

You know, bad threesome experience.

Yeah, you never know.

Turn you off forever.

Yeah, it's true. Have you ever had an orgy, Bobby? I'm learning about some things.

Great, do it.

I mean, I've told you about that. I've been It was me. I was part of— it was me and 4 women.

Oh, that was— did you tell me?

I think so. I thought I did.

See, he's pretty sexually charged up.

I know, 4 women, that's a lot.

That's a lot of women.

It was actually—

wow, that's a lot of things.

But it was fun because they were all, you know, with each other too. And I think again, they felt comfortable enough with me. And so it was, you know, and there was no awkward energy. You were like, everything I did, I had hands going. I had, you know, all of it, right? It was It was a lot, but it was, uh, you know, would you want to do it again? Right people, with the right people, I definitely would. But again, no, I wasn't, you know, I wasn't in a real—

right, that's the best.

I was in more of an open relationship at that point.

Uh, okay. Was your— were your marriages open?

My marriages were definitely not open.

Okay, got it. Now you guys are thinking of opening up or just having a threesome, which is kind of—

could be maybe just have it. I, I personally, and I— we haven't like sat down and really talked about it, but, um, we've talked about creating this solid foundation first, which we're still working on because we're only about a year and a half in, and that's the part that we're nurturing now, and, and then going into, uh, negotiate a threesome, not opening up.

She just said her last podcast was non-monogamy, so yeah, it was a topic that hung up, hung up, that came up.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, and we basically, like, I came at the end in the house at the end of her and Amy's podcast and kind of got to listen to a little bit of it.

Oh, what'd you learn?

Um, that she would— that really she hadn't considered it that much yet, and it was kind of new for her, and that she was actually kind of entertaining being open to it.

Um, her being open to the open.

Yeah, Amy and her partner are definitely trying to figure that out. Okay, I think they're trying. It's a conversation.

I don't know. I know they've also been broken up, back together.

Yeah, they've had a lot of ups and downs.

But I agree that you need to have— what I believe works the best is when you have a really solid foundation with your partner and then you open up. That sounds like you were together 3 months, or we've been together 10 years, it's boring, let's have a threesome. No, no, you don't do it that way. You do it when you're on solid, solid ground. Okay, let's, let's move into toys for a minute because April is— I've met April initially probably what, 8 years ago?

Yeah, well, I was a huge fan of you. I had a crush on you. I did say this on when you were on Shameless Sex, and then I actually met you. And, um, yeah, because you were at the trade shows and stuff when we did some work when I was with Fun Factory with you. And then, um, and I always thought you were just like a shiny bright star. I was like, I love her. And then I was on your show, I was like, I love her.

We felt the same. We always have this connection. It was funny because at the show we did the podcast and it was me and Amy and April in your room. Great wine. Who's your wine sponsor?

You love it. Oh yeah. Margaritas. You did. You loved it. You were like, I'm even gonna have a second glass.

And I never drink too— I was drunk. It was awesome. But I was like, it was fun because yeah, we like competitive, we just competitive in a good way. Like talk, talk, talk. And then we saw Adam from Hot Octopus and I, I saw Adam.

Yeah. My boss.

Your boss. Yeah. And he was like, I can't even imagine you and April in a room with Amy. Like, was Is there ever a moment of silence? I'm like, no, not one, not one. But it flows.

It did, it flowed. I love that episode. It was fun. And we had to cut it a little short because we had to go to that cocktail party. And, and then I saw you and I was like, ah, we should do like another show because I'm going to be in town.

And yes, absolutely. I said I would love to have you on the show again.

And you know Hot Octopus products, right?

Yeah. So how— we work very closely.

Yeah, totally.

So let's talk about it for a minute because I just love them and I want to hear your perspective of selling this to the guy, Berater.

So, uh, the funniest story, because you that there's this cock ring called the Adam Plus that we make, and it's like a double motor cock ring. And Bobby, you— he's like good with toys, but he's not like super into them. But I really wanted to test out this cock ring because—

job, it works.

Yeah. And I also love vibrators. And oh my God, so it's kind of tricky to put on because you have to put your balls in and then stick the rest of your shaft in and then twist it around. And Bobby— and you have to be totally flaccid for the double.

Yeah. When does that happen.

I know, you have to pre-plan.

Think about baseball. Think about baseball.

Yeah, you're gonna walk around with this thing until you're ready to go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Bobby, um, was like—

at the same time, great toy.

It's an amazing, amazing toy once you figure out how to put it on. But he didn't know, and I hadn't actually— I don't, you know, don't have a penis to try it myself, so I was going by the instructions, and I'm like, you have to stick your balls in. He's like, you can't go.

So we had this whole dramatic scene, and it kind of got trapped, and I was like, I'm uncomfortable. And And that definitely can ruin your mood.

Yeah, well, we tried again, and then I actually learned because I asked questions on how to put it on, but it's an amazing cock ring.

So if you have anybody out there that like wants a turbo cock, it's not just like—

it also restricts the blood flow enough where you'll last a bit longer. And if you have, uh, like a vulva owner, as we call them, um, it's a perfect grinding toy while you're riding on a cock or a dildo or whatever you're riding on because it has has like this nub. So that is one of my favorite products to use during play, um, especially—

say the name of it again.

It's called the Atom Plus.

Okay, and you can get it on our site or your site. Yeah, we work with them. Yeah, yeah, we love you guys.

So yeah, check it out and you'll, you'll— it's actually one of our best-selling products.

All the toys that Hot Octopus makes are so impressive. I know, like they're such high quality. And like I gave one to my guy friend, my ex, the Pulse.

Yeah, the Pulse Duo or Solo, one of them.

Yeah, the Solo. And he was just like, at first he was like, really? I'm like, here you go. Cause I'd never given him toys. Like, just take it home, have some fun. He was like, I didn't see him for a week.

It's pretty fancy. I mean, it doesn't look like a pocket pussy, which I hate that term. It's like a luxury, gorgeous masturbator. And I actually, funny story, I use the Duo on Bobby. Like if we're like playing in fellatio, it's like a little fellatio accessory. Cause you can stick it on the cock. It helps it get harder faster. And then you can take it off and go into your penis.

It's like the fluffer.

Yeah, it's a little fluffer.

It is.

And it's— we have a lot of fun with it because why not just add some little like toy or two?

Like, what do you say to that? Because you're in my industry. What people always like, well, how do I use a toy? Or why should I? I'm intimidated by them. And I'm like, well, it's not that you need it, you'd want it.

It's an enhancement.

It enhances.

It's like, why, why take a car? Why drive a car places when you can walk? Because you get there faster and it's a little bit more luxurious and you don't get burnt out. Your forearm isn't going to get all cramped up from like rubbing, you know, the vulva, or yeah, that's real.

It is real.

It happens to him sometimes. I'm always like, you should just get the toy out, you know, you don't want to cramp up. You got big forearms. Yeah, you gotta save those. So I think that toys just add an extra element to anybody's sex life. What we talk about all the time, the importance of products with solo pleasure, but also just to add some enhancement and joy into a, like, a multi- partnership, or one, one partner, two partners, three partners, four— give it to me more—

maybe four, five, six. We don't know where you guys—

you don't know what this year will bring.

Thanks for supporting our sponsors, help keep the show free because they're awesome, and so are you. We'll be right back. How do you guys feel about Valentine's Day? What's your feelings on it?

Every day is Valentine's.

Yeah, no, I really— it's a busy time for us with—

oh yeah, that's industry. Yeah, it's the biggest time ever.

And going out on Valentine's Day, the actual evening of, is kind of lame. I'm sorry if anybody out there, if I'm offending them, it's just expensive preset meals and it's kind of crap and the service is weird. So I try not to go out, but we try to make time for each other in another way, maybe like light a fire, make a dinner.

I hope that everybody should just think of Valentine's Day as like sex day. Yeah, like make it— like make— do something different this year and have one a month. Ask for something, do something different on Valentine's Day. Don't go out, waste your money, something special. Buy jewelry— like, no, buy some like great toys or an experience.

A really beautiful like letter or note even about how you feel about them. I'm really big on affirming, you know, through written word because I really— putting it out there, affirmation, so much stronger. Yeah, that's my—

that's your love language, right?

It is.

Yeah, yours are words of affirmation.

Touch.

Yep.

Yeah.

So are yours?

Yes.

He's quality time and then physical touch.

Oh, okay. That's what my ex was, and which is— it's his good one, because when you're both physical touch— yeah, like, because that's hard if you're with someone who's not physical touch and you are physical touch. They're not gonna come. It's more challenging. Challenging. They think, oh, now I need to touch my partner.

Yeah, you have to think about it. I didn't get a lot of physical touch from my parents when I was young. They didn't like really do that with me. So it's important in my relationships. I always say that, like, I need more.

Yeah, come closer. Tell them right away. I can tell, like, vice I sleep at someone's house, like the first time something happens, there's no cuddling, touching. I'm like— and I used to sit there and feel like alone, and now I'm like, right now I'm like, nope, are you not a touchy-feely cuddler?

I could be at home alone right now, okay? I don't really need you hugging a pillow. So either come over here or I'm out.

Like, there's literally no reason for us to sleep together in this, in this room if we're not going to be touching the whole time, but like a lot. Like, yeah, you need it.

Emily, are you good at initiating sex with your partners when you're with them, or is that something you wait for them to?

Oh, good question. Yeah, I think so. I think I initiate. Yeah, I do. I don't think I'm great at it. I feel like I've been with partners who typically initiate more than I do, but when they've brought up they would like me to initiate, which has come up, I think in my last relationship we did, that I would like, okay, and then I'd have put on my sexy things. Yeah, I would initiate.

I struggle with initiating sex.

Yeah, it's, it's not my natural— like, I want to feel desired. I want them to come after it because I'm always— I'm in, but I'm not like doing the sexy stripper dance as much.

You can't do it. You cannot do the sexy stripper dance all the time either. It is its novelty.

Even a sexy stripper dance gets boring after a while. I will do it. I can only imagine.

I'm trying to tell you, it's pretty good.

Yeah, get your dollar bills ready. Or actually, 20s, you know, maybe that's another one. I always— I love when he makes it rain too. I'm like, make it rain!

And I'm telling you, there's 100 ones in the drawer. Yeah, ready to go.

And so people will ask too, like, why do you have— like, if they're getting something out of the drawer, like, why are there a bunch of ones in there? He's like, oh, for stripper dance, and it's like a known thing.

See, I want everyone to be as open as you guys are.

I don't take off my clothes. I keep the sexy clothes on. One time I did it.

It's so hot to keep the clothes on and keep the shoes on.

At least I actually brought out tissues, and I did it to Fiona Apple, Criminal, and I brought out tissues because they're like, everyone's gonna be crying right now. And then I put that through the tissues out. I did a whole like— it was pretty fun.

This is never get boring, this relationship, ever, ever.

I mean, obviously you guys heard a lot of like, she's on 10 all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a pretty intense person myself, so everybody's like, no, you two are a lot.

Some of our close friends are like, all right, they're like, yeah, you know, I get it.

People have to like time out with me. They're like, Emily's great, she's a lot of energy, are we ready for that right now? You know, and I can, I can, I can dial it back.

I feed off of it though.

I get excited.

That's where the cannabis comes in.

Oh yeah, depends on the cannabis, depends on the strain.

Sure. Yeah, it does.

Now I think sometimes cannabis makes you more talking fast, depends what kind it is.

So we, we, we are excited. You asked about sex toys. I will say one other thing though, which is a bummer, because my favorite is that magic wand. And you know, because you talk about it, it is actually actually kind of addicting. I'm kind of addicted to it, so I'm taking a 3-month break. I mentioned this before because it's an impressive toy. It is an impressive— he calls it his nemesis. He's like, that's my nemesis, because he's always like, should I get out the baseball bat? If like, you know, it was a long romp.

Well, I think if you use it or you overuse it, you can desensitize yourself.

It's not just like everything. If I smoke too much weed, you're not gonna get out.

Moderation, right? So if it's your daily—

it's a mental addiction.

Use magic wand, you might not get the sensation that you are looking for from a partner or another toy for that matter. That's—

well, that's when—

that's a high-powered—

it is a high-powered toy, but it's like, I guess what we talked about on your show is that I learned to moderate it. I never had a— I never had a problem with it, unlike me. But I, but I do like it. And then it just got to be— I don't remember where I moved to LA from San Francisco. I couldn't find it for a while, and then I just replaced it with like the Jeju Mimi was the first one, and then the We-Vibe Touch. Yeah, I was like, oh, this actually works for me. And kind of mix it in and out.

Like, we're gonna have a new finger vibe coming out, Hot Octopus. It's so good. I'll get you— it looks like a— it looks like a piece of jewelry. It's called the Ditto. I'm stoked. And by the time I'm off my vibrator fast or break or strike, um, it will be out. So we're gonna use it, and you can just wear it on your finger. It's beautiful. And then it's like a hands-free extension of your finger. I'm gonna give you one.

You're gonna love it. It's the best. Everything— you become a vibrator, but all of them are kind of cheesy.

They're all like a little bit novelty. This one's—

oh, it looks like jewelry, or it just—

it looks like jewelry. It'll be like $69. So does it come out? Oh, it's gonna be out in July, July 1st. We will have a pre-launch, so I'll give you one to try as soon as it's ready. Of course, you're gonna love it. I'm excited for that because it's gonna be packed with power, kind of like the, the level that Magic Wand is, but not baseball, you know, size. So it'll be like this, like extension of your finger.

Okay, I can't wait for that. And then Adam was showing me the one that goes around balls.

Oh, which—

can we not talk about that? The Adam— the—

oh, the, um, that's the Jet. It goes on the frenulum and then it has two—

has two balls.

Yeah, it looks like two balls.

They're like little, um, little sections to stick the balls in, like a pinball machine ball.

Yeah, kind of. But they're like— they're, um, they're custom motors. That one's like a treble, so it's like a high-pitched motor. The other one's a bass, so it's like a lower deep frequency motor. And then in tandem, when you turn it on, through this wired remote, they kind of almost oscillate around the frenulum. So you don't have to, you don't have to stroke, you just crank it up and then it can help you last longer.

Yeah. Okay. That's amazing.

There's a lot of different things and that's called the Jet. That'll be out in March so people can start buying that on hotoctopus.com or your website. You'll have it.

Yeah. We'll have everything at sexandemily.com. Yeah. That's amazing. Tell me about how your sex life has evolved from the time you met to where it is now. We know about the anal sex, but what about like what really gets you there? Is it oral? Like, is there something you had to show him? What— because you were talking about earlier, like, when you were in the threesome, you were like laying back. Is there something about that? Pillow princess. Pillow princess.

To define that for our listeners, it's, um, actually my lesbian friend told me about this because there's like, in the lesbian community, there's pillow princesses. They're like known. So I, um, realized that I was one because I was describing certain— when I was single, certain situations And she's like, girl, you're a pillow princess. Damn it. So, uh, it's kind of when you kind of sit back and, and everything happens to you, like you're the one— you don't really have to move around a lot. You're kind of enjoying and not taking, you're receiving.

And, um, maybe not giving as much, but not giving as much.

I'm a giver too.

You're a great giver.

Yeah, I mean, so I get off— this is one thing that's come up. So both of us in our relationship are givers in a sense where I do love to receive, but I love giving orgasms. Like, I get turned on by knowing my partner is turned come by me and, um, excited even when— especially if, you know, he comes and even if I'm not there yet. And he has the same thing where he gets excited.

So we're both hedging.

Yeah, that's amazing. That's the perfect storm. That's what y'all want.

But sometimes it feels like we're waiting for each other. I'm like, come on. So we've been practicing this. Um, one day, you know, it's, it's destined that he will have an orgasm, and the next day it will be me. So per session, it's not necessarily pre-negotiated. We kind of go in and I'm like, it's all for you.

Uh, sometimes if you hold off, you might miss out on the orgasm, right?

Exactly. Like disappearing orgasm. You're like, goddamn it, it was so close.

It was like, ah, comes out.

Yeah. Uh, so he's taught me how to female ejaculate though, which was— I knew how to do it with my toy. So with the magic wand, I learned how to ejaculate with that, like, buildup of, like, clenching the pelvic floor, which is really cool. But I'd never experienced it in, um, with, like, fingers or— yeah, or just, like, with penetration. So, um, that's been something— how did you learn?

Can you explain that process for people?

Um, Bobby, I don't know. I figured that out on my own. There was no— I didn't like look it up, right? Research it. It was something that actually kind of came from— and I mean, you're just like anything else, stimulation.

You use—

you have a curvature and a scoop that I use with my fingers, and, and it, you know, he has to keep—

you have to keep it lubricated because it does build up, right? So you get like a buildup of fluid, and then it's like the release, like almost like a sponge, right? Like the releasing. So, um, and I'm not like a gusher. I'm like a squirter. Yeah. It's like a very small amount of liquid. That's sometimes it's more than sometimes it's more depending on how many, how much fluid I drink.

So here's my question. So do, when you have, when you squirt, do you have an orgasm?

So sometimes, so I feel like if there's a lot of clitoral in there as well, I can, it feels very pleasurable, but it's not like the same release as I get from a clitoral.

I feel the same. Yeah, so sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

It's intense and it's really fun. And I'll feel like a lot of, um, uh, I don't know, kind of relief, like, like an orgasm, but it's not, um, as, uh, you know, after clitoral, uh, orgasm, you kind of like— it's so sensitive, you can't go back usually to like a lot of stimulation. If I have a, a squirting episode, I can still get a lot of clitoral play in and then squirt and then have an orgasm. Yeah, which is pretty cool that our bodies can do that.

I know, our bodies are amazing. You guys can't.

No, you're pretty worthless.

We can have like 600— we have so many orgasms and I keep going, going, going. But Magic Wand, I probably had 24 in one day.

Yeah, I did 5 and I thought that— I told him too, he's like, what'd you do today? I was like, so I had one orgasm and then I wanted to see how many I could have and I had 5, but maybe 6 because I had a half of one. And then I was like, what am I doing with my day?

It's a good story now. Like, it's a good— yeah, like, we actually— like, it's content.

Yeah, it is content. And I was— but 24, that's a lot.

It was not—

yeah, jealous.

No, but I think 24, it was just— I don't know. I mean, it was a while ago. I'm not saying I couldn't do it again.

Were there candles lit? Was there like a whole—

it wasn't even a whole day. When I get going, I could get going. Like, I won't leave. Like, I— it was in San Francisco, probably like 6, 7 years ago, and I was going to a friend's house I was like, I'm just gonna knock one out with my magic wand. And then I was like, oh, oh, I'm gonna keep going. And it was like, I have these little tremors. It just keeps going, going, going, going, going. I was like, I think—

and then you're getting text messages, Emily, where are you? The party's almost over. But you didn't even—

my body was so turned on.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh my God. And I remember trying to bring it in the car. Like, I was like, can't bring the magic wand because it was still plugged in the wall then.

Oh yeah.

And I think I brought the Mimi in the car because I like— my body was so turned on. I don't know what happened. I should try that again.

Then you probably showed up and they're like, you're glowing. Yeah, do you just have a facial? And you're like, no, kind of.

Exactly.

I had 24 orgasms.

But I would tell my— the good thing is my friends would know. They'd be like, cool, that's cool, I'm glad you're late.

When people ask me what your secret is, they're always like, what's your secret? You look like so young, or your skin looks so glowing. I'm like, an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

True, right? So do you masturbate almost every day?

So yes, and, um, honestly, now that I'm not using— so I swore off porn, remember? We had this conversation.

Yes.

Um, and she's doing the work.

I know, you have to do the work.

You do have to do the work. Well, I just want to make an effort to see what my body body does. So I'm— I swore off porn like a little while ago, um, because it was like I was traveling so much, I'd be watching porn, right? And it wasn't like a problem. I'm not addicted to it, but it would just be an easy way for me to access it.

About your porn though, I am so shameful. Why are you hiding that?

We did talk about it. He called me out. He's like, why are you hiding the porn? Like, why won't you watch it with me? I was like, oh no, I can't. Like, it's like this very weird private thing that I have to do.

That's some childhood stuff.

It is.

It's always— it's all childhood.

It's all childhood stuff. So now without porn, then I'm swearing off the vibrators. So now I'm like, what am I doing? Like, I guess I could go in and try to just like get, you know, get off with my hand. But then I'm like, I'd rather just hook up with my partner, right? Just because we had a great day yesterday. Yeah.

What happened yesterday?

Oh, we had sex twice yesterday.

We did. We had like—

it was really—

yeah, it was really fun.

Intense.

He—

one was like a making love, and then, then we just like—

last night was pretty aggressive.

Last night was aggressive and fun. He's like, like, I love being dominated, right?

And so—

and he loves dominating. So, um, because I'm more submissive in the bedroom, like, I will be the dominator if I need to, but he definitely likes to dominate. And so he was doing like some choking, some slight choking, some hand over the mouth. It was hot, it was hot.

Yeah, it's consensual.

I was using it, of course.

I wasn't being a pillow princess as much. I was working it. So we had a lot of fun, and, and, um, yeah, we were like just connected. So it's fun to change.

You're on vacation too— not vacation, but you're in a hotel room, right?

We're in a hotel room.

That hotel's fun. It's got kind of a little gypsy carnival vibe, right?

I was just— I was just gonna stay there and hook up with you guys, but I stayed in another hotel.

Not today.

No, not today.

Bummer.

I know, I know, me too. But wait, so, um, the thing about the dumb— so how is it without the porn and the toys? Do you feel a difference?

Um, the porn was actually kind of nice to get off of because it did make me like access my spank bank. And what I've been doing, mindfully thinking about my partner in my masturbation spank bank, just so I can— I feel like making the connection between between him and like the things that really turn me on that happen while I'm masturbating. I bring that into this in the bedroom, and I feel like that also helps me orgasm, not faster, but has like, you know, it helps the orgasm.

Exactly. So you think when you guys are having sex, when you have the orgasm, you're thinking about him? Isn't it funny, our minds, the role of fantasy? I often talk about it, often, a lot of times on the show, about how having— that having a healthy, robust fantasy life is part of having a healthy sex life. And I think it's so confusing to people, or they feel guilt. Yeah.

Shame.

You can shame around fantasy, but like, it really is for women brain large sex drive.

We were talking about the incest porn, you know.

I didn't want to bring it up.

Yeah, no, because I caught you. It's fine.

I'm such a—

uh, is that brother?

Brother? She's into incest porn.

It was— it's mostly like it's weird stepdad-daughter porn, which is— it's not like—

but then I said, does that have anything to do with you being a stepmom right now? You're like, whoa.

I was like, I didn't think about that. No.

Did you tell her about the taxi cab, the English taxi cab guy? I was having a hard time.

He was not. He was like, what? And I was like, it's all about like this weird, gross— he's like an overweight, older man that's not even— and it doesn't even have a face.

That's why I love her, because she's twisted like that.

Yeah, it's amazing with a mind.

You know, he's like, do you want me to throw on a British accent?

Well, maybe.

I was like, I guess you could, but you don't do a very good one.

You guys are scratching the surface here. Yeah, we're in half in. There's There's so much more.

There is a lot.

Or you guys, I knew it. I love you guys as a couple. It's amazing, really. I love this. I think that people could learn a lot from this because it's like, you're never— we, you know, we're in the industry, we have podcasts, but you're always still working on the next level. So I feel like no matter where you're at in your life, yeah, it would get boring even if you were every single night like choking her and having the rough sex. It would— that would get boring.

Yeah.

So like, if you cut— well, okay, well, I wasn't there. It sounds hot.

It was hot.

2 months.

I think the whole— the, the I think, and from being in relationships, and, and this is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had sexually, and just with the level of like information we give and receive and put out for each other. And I think like the key is just to continue to like make sure you set aside time for each other to just process instead of going home after work or when the kids are in bed or whatever they're doing, um, or you're studying, or, you know, depending on what your listeners are into, whatever they're doing. But take time with your partner and process and figure out what, you know, what, what the needs are. If your needs are being met, there needs to be some shifts, and in the bedroom or without. But don't have those conversations in the bedroom, especially if they're sexually charged, or, or you have to keep talking about it.

You guys have time to process, like, and it's not— and this is, it's so great because, because yeah, people just don't— a lot of people don't even have that first talk. But I would say it gets easier the more you talk about it. Then you're gonna have— you're gonna be craving those talks because you realize that's the sustenance, that's what's fueling.

And relationships aren't going easy. They're not. They're not. I mean, people want easy relationships. I'm like, it's gonna end badly. You have to have those hard conversations.

And of course, non-monogamy— I mean, that's like you had already said, it's, it's kind of commonplace. I mean, we are all, you know, monogamy is a thing that was put on to us by society, correct?

Yeah, marriage, ownership, agriculture.

And when it comes down to communication, you can still have that partner for life and figure that out, yet still will, you know, enhance the situation through communication and trust and feeling secure within your relationship, right?

Absolutely. And it's interesting, I was thinking about this because we've been talking about timing on the show. Like, uh, it was— how much do you think that timing matters? Because I feel like you guys both—

oh, it was so— everything was all of it.

Like, maybe if you met 15 years ago, it wouldn't work, but you've both been in marriages, divorced, worked it through, and now you guys have these skills.

She thought I would— she looked at me and thought I was a meathead, you know. Yeah, I also got to know I'm a little— I look like a meathead, but I'm a little deeper than that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had our astrological compatibility charts read too before I committed to like actually— remember, he— I was like, I need to know the time you're born and the area you were born, and I like had this astrologer figure out if we were compatible because I was like, I'm getting too old. Yeah, she was like, she's like, it's a green light, you know, you might have some rocky roads, but a lot to work out. Uh, I'm a Cancer. I'm a Cancer Scorpio rising, Taurus moon. He's double Libra with a Capricorn moon.

I got it. Okay, so it just works.

It works. But I— she— my astrologer said if you would have met him 5 years ago, 5 months ago, it wouldn't have been the same thing. You both were— you both were aligned right then. So whatever, that might be woo-woo, like, and if you're not into astrology, timing is everything.

Because if he had 3 young girls, I would have been like, no, peace out, right? It's a perfect time though. You guys, I love this. I love this whole union. Okay, I've got— I've got to ask you guys our 5 quickie questions. You're each gonna go back and forth and answer, okay? Okay. Uh, Bobby, what's your biggest turn-on?

When she's turned on.

Oh, that's—

well, your biggest turn-on, April?

Um, when I get told that I have the best pussy ever.

Biggest—

or I'm gonna fill her pussy up with cum.

I do like that.

Biggest turn-off, April?

Um, when, when sex feels like a chore, like you have to do it, right?

Okay, biggest turn-off.

Yeah, same thing. Forced, like, or like pressure to have sex, like scheduled sex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right, it's not for everybody. Yeah, clearly not for you guys. If you had a celebrity hall pass, who would it be?

Drake. Fucking love him. Jewish, man of color, Canadian.

In.

I already cleared that because I was in Miami, he was there. I was like, Bobby, Drake's in Miami. I'm just saying, I'm going out to a club tonight. If he's there, Bobby's like, okay, all right, all right.

I'd give her a pass.

Yeah, I'd probably get arrested by security before I could even get close. Yeah.

What about you, Margot Robbie?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, except when she was in that movie Queen Elizabeth.

You know what, she was still hot.

Yeah. Oh wow, really? I mean, hey, even with all the things, the smallpox scars?

Okay, makeup.

You know what, just do her doggy style.

Okay, song at the top of your sex playlist.

Oh, the Juicy J song.

It's so good.

Bands That Make Her Dance. It's so hot.

This is also your stripper dance?

It's my stripper dance. And also Frank Ocean, Lost.

Oh, it's such a sexy song. Okay, because I'm always trying to like suggest things, think of things.

It's a hot— that whole album Orange, like put that on your sex playlist. Orange, um, Frank Ocean. Okay, he's, uh, it's amazing. You'll love it.

All right, number one sex tip.

Bobby?

Uh, communication. Number one sex tip. That's definitely first where you should start off. Always.

I say definitely the slower than slow, but a lot of people say that. I know you talk about that. I also say push outside of your typical boundary just a little bit. Try some new things. Like, if you aren't super into giving a blowjob or super into cunnilingus, lingus. Just try for a minute to check it out. You know, there's so many different, um, additions that you can make it more pleasurable. You can add the flavored lube, you can—

yeah, so true. Wait, uh, the butthole. Happy anniversary, 69s.

Oh, thank you.

But no, it's so true that people— I, we often get those questions too, like, I've never wanted to go down to my partner, I don't like blowjobs, or she won't do— like, how do— and I was like, well, just try it.

Like, try it and get out of your head. Get out of your head and just, you know, get Giving a partner pleasure is part of the process. Out of the head and into the head. Yeah, get into that head.

Okay guys, you're awesome. Thank you so much for being here.

Do we get a role reversal and ask you 5 questions?

Ooh, no, I wish.

Damn it.

She's got like a bunch of programs.

I gotta go do a live radio show shortly. Okay, you guys, check out Shameless Sex Podcast. It's awesome. I was just on the recent episode and they're doing great work. I love it. I love you, both of you. And Bobby's great podcast.

Santa Cruz Roots. And santacruiseroots.com.

Yeah. All right, guys, thanks for being here. It's so fun.

Thank you.

All right, everyone, thanks so much for listening to the show. Thank you to Ken, Samantha, Julia, intern Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.