Single Shenanigans with Scheana Shay

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend, cuz? My man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much.

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I feel so. Oh, God. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. have you not seen our website yet? You should see how awesome it is, how it's set up to help you have better sex and relationships. You can also find me on Sirius XM Monday through Friday, 5 o' clock Pacific, 8 o' clock east on Channel Stars 109 for even more 7 sex talk. It's a good show. It's a good time. You can also get a free trial. Go to sex with emily.comsxm and as always, you can find us on all social media sexwithemily across the board. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this interview with Sheena Shay. And then we're gonna get into your emails. Sheena Shay is here with me. Hi. Hi, Sheena. You might recognize her from Vanderpump Rules on Bravo. And she's got a podcast. A podcast one Shenanigans, which I was on. It was so fun. Thank you. Yeah, I loved being on your show.

We actually mentioned you on one that I did today.

What did you say?

Well, I did a single girl's guide to getting through the holidays while not getting depressed.

Right.

Good one.

And I just said. I said, not necessarily for me, but I said for those of you who are into this sort of thing. I said, you know, buy yourself a sex toy. Like, go shopping this. And that's true. We talked about that. But the two girls who were on my podcast felt the same way about me. They're like, we've never done that. I was like, yeah, me either.

Okay, so I'm glad you brought that up because I brought you some sex spoils. You did?

I've used the lube and the mouth.

Stuff, but the blowjob spray's right there.

Yes, that.

Do you use it during blowjobs or do you use it. Because I use it for the show and blowjobs. But I use it to, like, clear my throat.

Yeah, no, just for the blow job so far.

Okay, got it. Yeah, it's for the blow job. How'd that go? Good. It keeps your mouth lubricated when you have a dry mouth.

Yes.

Right.

Yeah.

So that's good. Okay, so haven't tried the toy yet, but is it okay that your mom's here? We're Talking about your sex life. Yeah.

I mean, my mom's been hearing about it all day, so. Okay, perfect.

So you know what? Cause let me tell you why I believe that we don't talk about sex enough in the world. Yeah. And I'm like. I mean, it ends up like, you see, mom, last night I banged this guy. But just.

Oh, no, that is my conversation.

Well, right. My mom, too. But not everyone's like, okay, good. So we don't have to worry about that at all. So you did a show on Single Girl. So you're single right now?

Yes.

How's that going?

I know you, like, been in and out relationships.

Oh, that's good.

I've been single. Yeah. Since last August.

Okay. Yeah. And it's fun. And you are, so. You're not. So there's. You've used the lube and the blow drive spray. Masturbation. No, it hasn't.

With the toy. Just haven't.

That's okay. So what else is going on with you? What's the latest?

So, yeah, I was just doing podcasts all day today. This morning I met with Dr. Gadir at Southern California reproductive centers. I'm gonna get my eggs frozen. So I just went today for step one, which is blood work, and then I'll have to go back and do like an ultrasound next week and then more blood work and then start all these prenatal vitamins and all of this stuff tomorrow. Told me I have to cut out alcohol and weed, so.

Well, if you're gonna be really productive.

Maybe the next few weeks. But he said I only have to cut out sex for the 10 to 12 days of shots, and I can use that as a stress free.

10 to 12 days. You can do anything.

Yeah.

And maybe you'll get all your holiday shopping done early.

Yeah.

So tell me about freezing your eggs. How old are you?

I'm 33. I'll be 34 in May.

Okay. What was that about?

I mean, I'm single. I don't see myself. I don't see that status really changing. I don't see myself having kids in the next few years. And I just think I have the means to. I can afford to do it right now. I don't have a ton of things going on while we're not filming. Like, I have my music I'm doing in the studio and my podcast, but that doesn't take up all of my time every day. So I just felt like this is a good time. I don't have any trips booked until February. Just get it Done now. So then I can just go to Australia and New Zealand in February and know that it's done.

So. So that's great. So that. I think that is now. I mean, now that they have freezing eggs. And I think a lot of women are doing. You're supposed to do it before the age of 37, so you can actually. Don't take that pressure off. So you're not dating someone, going, oh, my God, my clock is ticking, and all that?

Exactly.

So I have a question for you. So you said you've been single now for a year and a half.

Almost like a year in August, November, October.

November. That's four months. We're in a lot of relationships, and I did the same. I was in relationships after relationship, and then I took a break. I think I was about your. I think I was like 34, 35. I was like, you know what? I need to figure out who I am. Like, who's Emily without a man in my life? Yes. So have you done some of that? Like, what does it feel like? Or what have you learned?

So, I mean, I was in. I was single for like six years, and then I was in a relationship that turned into a marriage and divorce for the next six years, and then I got into another one right after that. And then when that ended, I've just stayed single. I mean, people keep saying you're hopping from guy to guy, and I'm like, that's called dating. That's not relationships.

Exactly.

I have not been in a relationship with anyone since my ex boyfriend, and that ended last August. So I've been single since then. I've dated a lot, I've traveled a lot. I did a show in Vegas for the first half of the year. I was headlining out there, which was so much fun.

And you must meet. Yeah. You meet a lot of guys.

Yeah, especially in Vegas. Vegas is a really easy place to meet hot guys. You just, like, go to their show and then you meet them after.

So. Exactly. You go to their show, whatever they're playing.

Yeah, you know, like Magic Mike or Chippendales or Thunder from Down Under.

That's hot, right? The Met. What's your type?

Tall, dark and handsome? Usually. I mean, but I have different types. Like, it just. It depends. I mean, it's not all about looks, but, you know, I like someone who's got something to hold on to. Some muscles. Like a little over six foot.

Um.

Yeah, that's what you think it is. So, I mean. Cause I'm. I'm always. I mean, I definitely Have a type too. I like taller, like, things like that. But what about. Is there anything that you thought since you. Since you've been more single now, any work on, like, what. What is important to you, like, as far as, like, values or something that you won't deal with anymore?

I won't deal with anyone who's selfish and narcissistic. Like, someone I dated was. I want someone who's not necessarily always going to put me first. I understand other things happen in life that priority, but just who's not gonna put me, like, fifth? And when I'm in, I'm all in. And that's one thing with me. I tend to spoil the person I'm with, like, right away. And I just do so much for them that I think it gets taken advantage of really early. And I just want to be with someone who can do a little bit of that for me too.

Yeah, that makes sense. The time away makes you realize. Yeah, like that. And then you start dating people, you're like, oh, you. You don't have. This doesn't feel good. When we're together, like, I think sometimes we go out people, we're like, we're attracted to them and we forget, like, no, these are the things that I need. Like, you were a dick. You were mean to the waiter. You were cheap.

Yeah. And like with my life, I mean, my life is very public. I don't have the luxury of having much privacy. So I need to be with someone who is okay with that. Doesn't, like, want to be on the show, but is okay being on the show, but isn't trying to.

Like, can we talk about that for a minute? So what's that like you have, you know, on Vanderpump Rules, like super successful show.

Yes.

I mean, it's people. Everyone loves this show. And so in la, how do you deal with that? Do you feel like you can weed out guys who might just want to date you because you're on a show, or is that you must get so much attention and meet.

That's probably why I'm still single because either no one can handle it or they feel intimidated by it, or I make more money than them and just. I think there's just a lot of pressure and attention that comes into my life with anyone I'm dating because, you know, I did publicly get engaged, married and divorced and gone through another breakup. So it's like, anyone knows, like, the second we start dating, and if that's on Instagram, it's like, you're gonna have attention on you now, too. So I need to be with someone who is man enough to deal with that, but isn't trying to use me for that attention at the same time.

Exactly. And then how do you try. And then what if you met someone who's like, yeah, I don't wanna be public, though. But I still.

Everyone says that. That's the first thing they lead with. I don't care about the show. I don't wanna be on the show. And I'm like, you realize, though, you have to say that because if you don't, then I'm going to assume that. So everyone says that it's just a matter of time until you find out if they actually mean it.

But wouldn't it be great if they didn't, though? If they really meant it? Like, I. Yeah, I did a Bravo show, like, six years ago. I was living in San Francisco. I think we taught it was called Misadvised. And it's so crazy. San Francisco, because nobody wanted to be on the show. None of my friends. I had a boyfriend at the time, and he was like, I will not be on the show. I was like, but they won't. You have to be. And he's like, nope, I won't do it. And then I had to, like, I had to break up with him. Cause it was a dating show. I'm like, I thought he could come on and just be on it. My friends didn't want to be on it. They had to try to find. No one wanted to be on the show. So here, though, everyone's in the biz. They want to be on the show. Yeah. Totally different world.

It's crazy.

How was it when you were shooting? Like, how do you feel about. I mean, obviously we still keep doing it. I don't know if you're allowed to talk about. Like, I could talk about my stuff now because it was six years ago. But, like, do you ever look at it and go, that wasn't how I'm portrayed? Or do you think overall, now the net. Net of the six seasons you've been on.

Yeah, this is seven.

Yeah. Seven seasons that it is kind of you.

No, not at all. I think you see such a different side of me the last couple years. I think in the beginning, it was very me. And then after I got married, I think I just kind of got caught up in, you know, just not, like the fame. I mean, we're not famous by any means, but just, like, the attention and all the publicity and press and events. And I think I got really Caught up that I kind of forgot to put my relationship first for a while. My husband was struggling with addiction at the time, and I wasn't the best person who was there for him. I was more of an enabler and didn't even realize it. So after that ended, I felt like I was more myself again. But then I hopped back into another relationship. And then I realized watching that back last season, I mean, it was like, cringeworthy. Like, there were so many episodes that I just like fast forwarded through my scenes because I just couldn't watch myself. I was like, that is not me. But they're like, sheena, but that's who you were all summer. And I'm like, but that's just not.

But that's also how they edit it together too. Well, yeah, because in some way, like.

There were other only showed my relationship. They didn't show any friendships or anything's going on outside of my relationship. So my whole storyline was just one story, whereas it could have been five different things, but they chose to only show one. So people are only seeing an annoying side of me being obsessed with my boyfriend and not any other good thing I did or anytime I was there for one of the girls when they needed me, they show Lisa there instead. And it was like I was like, I was the one who comforted her first. I was there.

Right.

But they didn't show any of that stuff. So it was frustrating.

You can't do anything that is frustrating because you can't go back. I mean, I remember there was some fight they created. This guy was dating. I'm like, we never got in a fight. Like, how did you do that? Yeah, how do you chop it all up? So then what would you want, people? So let's say there's someone listening now and he's like, God, I've been obsessed with Sheena. I'd love to date her, but, like, she seems like, I don't know whatever she's going through. Guys. And what would you want people to know about you? What's the real thing?

I mean, I think I'm hoping just based on the life I lived this past summer and what we filmed, I mean, I'm hoping that you will see the real me. I mean, we have so many episodes, I don't even know how many. So it's going to be a progression of just getting to know where I'm at in my life now a lot more. But I'm just. I'm very down to earth. I'm very humble, I'm family Oriented like, I'm. My mom's here with me right now.

I know.

I love this, but I'm just. I'm. I'm very kind and giving, and everyone is like, you know, you have such a big heart, but it's just always taken advantage of. But I'm just trying to. Especially, like, at my age, like, I'm not looking for love by any means, but I'm trying to not be closed off to an opportunity.

Right. Okay, that's good. That's a good way to be putting yourself first, which sounds really selfish, but the best time to do it is when you're. When you're single and you work on it. You're like, you're freezing your eggs, taking care of self. You're having girls over doing podcasts. How do you be a really good single person?

Because when I'm in a relationship, I put that person first and foremost, and myself is on, like, the back burner.

See, I don't think you should do that either.

I know.

I think that.

I mean, I learned.

Learning? Yeah.

You're like, thank you.

I didn't. But I think that that is the thing that we often do. And I think as women, we're taught where maybe your mom is like that with your fit, who knows? But, like, we're pleasers. We give and we. And we forget that we have to take care of ourselves. And then what I've also found is that in life, that's really hot and sexy to men, that you have your own life, and they're just. It's not like we're half person looking for another person to make us whole. It's like you want to go into a relationship when you're whole, so sounds like that's the direction you're going.

Yeah. So I'm just. I'm again, just putting myself first right now. And I'm gonna be freezing my eggs first of this year.

That's crazy. That's exciting, though.

Yeah, it's exciting.

Are you filming it? No. Cause the show's done filming now. Filming the eggs. What about if people don't know about Vanderpump Rules? A lot of our listeners, like, just say, explain the show.

It's a shit show.

It is, but amazing.

I mean, it's like the Hills on steroids, but not scripted.

Right.

We all our friends are enemies.

You work it.

We've all worked together. Some of them live together. You know, there's a lot of relationships. There's been a lot of cheating. There's been a lot of fighting. A Lot of drama. But what do you love about it?

What do you think is a success? What do you think?

I mean, it's. It's very entertaining. It is. But also, I think a lot of our storylines are very relatable. Just even, like, going through the divorce and dealing with my husband's addiction and things that I've gone through in my life, like, so many thousands of people.

So relatable. How did you deal with the addiction? What was he addicted to?

It started out with painkillers, and then it was just excessive marijuana and drinking, and then it was Adderall, and it was just. It was always one vice after another.

Okay, and then how did you deal with. Well, you ended it. Yeah, but is it like. When you said you were an enabler?

I didn't realize. I mean, the income I was making was providing this lifestyle for him, and I didn't know that. So when I thought he was paying for studio time, he was paying for pills. So I was enabling this without even really knowing. I just made it easy for him.

Okay. So that's something to watch out for. Addiction's a tough one. You know, unless they want to get help, they're not going to get help. It's really tough. So I'm glad you got out of that place.

Me, too. And even just me doing that was, like, another thing that so many women said was inspiring because it's easier to stay and be unhappy. It takes, you know, a lot of courage and a lot of money to divorce.

It does, right? But you did it. So now you're here now. So what's the things that you're most excited for then next?

So I just got back in the music studio. I'm gonna release an EP in a few months, early spring. So that's exciting. I have. I wrote the first song that I've ever written. It's called Better without you, and it's a breakup song, but I'm gonna put that out around Valentine's Day for all the single ladies.

People love breakups, especially Valentine's Day, and.

It'S catchy, it's upbeat, it's like island vibes. It's really happy. So I'm focusing a lot on that right now. My podcast that I do weekly. And did you love our show because.

I brought you together? Oh, my God.

It was so much fun.

Wasn't it fun? I was like. I came back to my office and I told. I'm like, I love talking to them about sex, because, you know, also, you're sitting here now. You're being interviewed. That's also always more. I think it's more fun. But also just like, the conversations we had about orgasms. And we just got there.

Still have that bag next to my.

Bed, so, like, the lube and the orgasm stuff. Cause I was. Can I just say this? I was. I really. I want you to have an orgasm. Like, I've been. I mean, I. I have, but I.

Want you to a couple times.

Okay. Right. You think? But this is why we just had a caller. It was an email who was like, I don't know if I've had an orgasm, so I want this for you.

But I want someone to give it to me. I don't want to try to give it to myself.

But why? I'll just get bored. You. But have you tried?

Yeah, it just. I. I feel like if I'm not, like, in it mentally, then I'm just, like, forcing myself and I'm not gonna enjoy it.

But, like, what gets you turned. Do you know what turns you on?

A guy touching me, like, who I'm attracted to and then, like, kissing me and just like, that's what turns me on. Like, I don't just sit at home and get turned on.

Like, I don't think about sex or, like, watch porn or anything.

I used to, but I really don't.

I get it because I'm not often. I mean, I'm talking about sex all day and I'm like, okay, do I want to go masturbate? And sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I know that it often makes me feel better. And I don't walk in going, I'm in the mood. We don't. We're not like dudes a lot. We're not always top of mind sex, thinking Jamie might be, but I'm not. Right. You are thinking about sex. You're not.

Yeah. No, I'm like a dude in that sense.

So this is why I think the missing link is you going home and masturbating. No pressure. No pressure for me and no pressure on yourself to have anything happen. But what if you're like, first of all, you're getting the eggs. That's going to be a thing. You're going to be on hormones. You're going to feel not great. I'm just planting the seed here.

Yeah.

That when you're in bed and you're watching movies over the next few weeks, because you're going to have some days that you take out that little tango. I gave you the. I think it was the we vibe Tango. And you plug it in and you're just like, maybe you're tracing of your arm. Like how does it feel when I. Someone touches me in my like inner wrist and then you just kind of have it there with you. It feels good. And see what happens. Even if sex isn't top of mind, it's a kind of thing that vibration is gonna take your like, oh, that feels good. Because then when you're in a relationship, it'll make you even more like able to move and stuff. Okay. I'm just checking in about it.

Yeah, I haven't yet.

Not yet.

When I do, you'll be the first to promise. Yes.

Like you.

We don't have to now. You could text me, but I'm thinking about it.

Yes.

Because that's the role I play here in the universe is like, I'm like the orgasm person. Like orgasm fairy. I was that once for Halloween. I held the magic wand.

That is.

She was, it was very cute.

Oh my God, I love that, the orgasm fairy.

Because I just wanted to like bless, you know, orgasms all around. Yeah. So it's good. Did you. So what was the single tips for the holidays? We all need it.

Oh, I would need to grab my notebook. Let me see. I wrote them all down. There were so many.

I love it though because we've been talking about the holidays are a bummer. First of all, a lot of people break up over the holidays. A lot of people are alone over the holidays. And what I found is it just like community, like at reaching out to people, reach out to your friends. Like doing the things like keeping busy. Like I think you can place as much emphasis as you want on the holidays or not, but really like just be with your buddies.

Yeah. So this will be out on Tuesday, but I said, you know, like throw a holiday party, go to an amusement park, volunteer, buy yourself a sex toy. See, take a solo break.

Okay.

Spa day or night game night, holiday movies, shopping, get a tree, decorate it with some girlfriends, eat a lot of food and worry about your diet in January.

I said find like a funny way where if your family's like asking you like, oh, where's your boyfriend or something like, find a funny way to be self deprecating about it and to like make fun of yourself and to kind of make them feel stupid. Just like, oh my God, you know what? That was what I was supposed to ask Santa for. I forgot I needed a boyfriend. Like my bad. Let me go find that. Like just say something to, you know.

You got to get prepared for that.

If your family gives you pressure, start a new tradition, Cross an item off your bucket, Listen to good music. Do you? And don't go back to an ex.

Oh, I love it. Have you done the thing of gone? You go back to exes. Have you done that?

No.

Okay, good.

They. They keep popping back up.

Oh, we circle back. Yeah, they often circle back.

But I've never gotten back with an ex after, like, a hard breakup.

That's good. I think that's healthy.

Yeah.

I used to sometimes sleep with my exes, but never got back together. Usually when you break up, there's a reason.

Yeah.

You're like, I know why this ended. We went through the whole process. So, you know, not a great ex ex. I mean, sometimes xx is fun, but don't do the full get back together again.

No, no, no.

So what. What time. What do you want to cross off your bucket list? What's on the bucket list?

Well, I can't do that before the year ends, but Australia and New Zealand is top of my bucket. Do my bucket list.

Is it for fun or for work?

I'm gonna make it a little bit.

Of a work trip because you can write it off.

Yeah, that too. Yeah. But Vanderpump Rules is really popular in Australia, I'm sure.

Really?

Yeah.

That's so fun. So you could do, like, appearances and stuff.

Yeah. So I want to do, like, a little bit of, like, a press tour and then just, like, stay for a week after that.

Oh, my God. I let you Going with friends.

As of now, I'm going by myself. So traveling alone. Yeah.

That, for me, was some of the best thing I ever did is travel alone. I went for, like, a year, though, when I was, like, 26, through Southeast Asia. But even throughout that, ever since then, like, I always still love to have, like, weeks alone. And you'll pack your toy and. And it'll be really fun.

We were talking about that. I was saying. I was like, okay, what if, like, you know, I do end up just going to Australia by myself? I said, I have this, like, Bluetooth speaker that always gets flagged in my carry on because just the shape of it, I'm like, watch. They're, like, pulling out my speaker, and then they pull out a dildo, and then they're like, that happens. This girl's going on a fun trip.

That is a fun trip. And it's not illegal.

Yeah.

To travel, especially to Australia. We've had a lot of listeners in Australia, too.

Exactly.

That's happened to me. I've brought so Many toys through. And I'm just like, yeah, it's my job. I'm a sex doctor, you know, what do you think about that? So I have to ask you. We have five questions that you ask every guest. Okay? So I'm gonna ask you these. Look at my notes.

Okay.

Don't overthink them.

I can't even see that far.

Okay. Biggest turn on.

Like, physical personality or just like in general?

I don't know, Whatever came to. What was the first thing that popped into your head?

I mean, someone who's just like, interested in me. Like, not someone who I'm chasing. Like, I want someone to like, chase me a little bit. I'm not used to that.

Okay, got it.

So someone's showing interest. That's like, oh, okay.

Okay. Biggest turn off.

Oh, bad teeth and nails.

Your nails are amazing, by the way.

Thank you.

Like, love the nails. Okay. Hygiene's important. Sexiest body part to you.

On a guy.

Yeah, sure. Yes.

See, I've never really been an abs person, but in my single year that I've had, I've had a lot of good abs. But I mean, honestly, a good thick dick.

Yeah, a good thick dick. Girthy dick. That's all we want for Christmas. Yeah. Okay. Something that you wear that makes you feel sexy.

Anything short and fitted I love. Like, also, like crop tops. Like if it's like a little like two piece set.

Yeah.

But something that shows some skin. I always feel sexy as long as I have a spray tan or it's summer.

Spray tan.

Yes.

The best thing ever. Okay. And.

Let'S see. Funniest sex moment.

Ooh, there's been a few. I mean, it could be when we were trying to film it and we're like holding the phone and then the phone through against a wall. And then I don't know, it could be when the cat's trying to join in.

Do you film sex and watch it? Right.

Well, we. We've tried.

It's kind of hot, I think.

I. I'm like, how about we like, get, you know, like a stand.

Yes.

And do it the right way.

Right. Like that stand here, we've got those. Stand. Yeah, Use that stand. Yeah. Here's the thing. I'm always like, I don't think you should do it with a rando because you don't want to release sex tape. But someone who's fun, like, it's hot to film it. Cause then you're in the moment, you're filming it and then you're like watching it. Yeah. Like, oh, we're really freaking hot.

Yeah. But whenever the cats are staring at trying to jump on the bed, I'm just like, oh, my God. And then it's like, if I lock them out of the room, then they're just meowing, and that kills the mood. It's just like, cats have a few minutes.

Cats are like that. You're right. I love cats. But because of the sex, they don't ever leave you alone.

Yeah. No, literally, like last week, I, like, we finished, and then at Salem, my black cat is just sitting on, like, the TV stand staring like he's gonna kill us. I'm like, this is so weird your cat could talk.

I know. People have emailed us. You're judging if the cats could talk. I know. It's crazy. Okay. Thank you, Sheena sh. For being here. This was a blast. Everyone check her out. It's. Tell me all your. Your places to go.

So it's just. She nuts. S C H E A N A on Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter. New episodes of Vanderpump rules every Monday, usually at 9, but some cable providers are different. My podcast is out every Tuesday. Shenanigans on podcast one. And new music coming soon in February and March.

Great. Thank you so much for being here. Congratulations on everything. The eggs, the show, the life, the single dumb. Making it great for you. Thanks, Sheena Shay, for being here. All right, we're going to take a quick break, and when we come back, we're getting into your emails.

Okay, guys, I love answering your questions. And if you want a question answered on the show, go to my website, sex with emily.com, click the Ask Emily page, and as always, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you you listen to the show. Jamie's here. She's gonna read the emails with me. Hey, Jaime.

Hello. Okay, so this first one comes from Ali, who's 27 in Oregon. She writes, hi, Emily. I love your show, and you've opened my eyes to how sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. My question is about kink. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. It's my longest relationship, and I love him a lot. While I'm very pleased with our sex life, he says he's more kinky than me. On occasion, he'll slap my ass or pull my hair, but that never bothers me unless it's too hard and hurt. I told him I might be into kink, but just don't really know what that means, and he had a hard time explaining what else he wants. Can you please help me understand kink and some tips to spice up my sex life.

Alright? Yes, I will. Allie. Let's talk about kink. Okay, so here's the definition of kink. Essentially, kink is anything that falls outside the realm of what's considered conventional sex. So, you know, kissing, penetration, masturbation, oral sex. So just think of something that's kinky. Like kink is anything that bends right, bends away from the straight and narrow. So things like fantasy, role playing, fetishes, group sex. And just remember this, that what is kinky to one person might not be kinky for somebody else. So the deal here is with your boyfriend, I mean, I love that he told you that he's into kinky stuff, but you guys need to have a conversation about it because it's totally cool that you don't know what he means. I don't know what he means. It sounds like he doesn't know what he means because he's also having a hard time explaining what he wants. And this is a completely typical situation that happens a lot. He knows there's something he wants that maybe is outside of the norm and he can't explain it. Which is great because now you guys can sit down together and you can ask him and say, what does kinky mean to you? And you can also see how you feel about what he says. And then do some research on your own. You know, kinky is really just, you know, what, maybe what you fantasize about. If you have fantasies, you know, when you're masturbating, you might want to read some really cool erotica or watch some of your favorite sex scenes, check out some porn that makes you feel good, and then you can bring some of your stuff to the table. And so it's really about having a conversation and figuring out what turns you both on, what you both agree on, and then you can go from there. So it's not just all up to you again to figure it out. And, you know, we talk a lot about, like, what if you don't know what you like? And again, that's just something that, you know, you gotta do research on your own. But remember, this is gonna be a really good time for you guys to really get into it. So if he says to you, I want something, you know, maybe he, I don't even know. I'm trying to think of, he wants to tie you up. But that doesn't sound great to you. A great practice is to be like, no, that sounds weird. I don't know what it is. Even if you don't know about it, but to just ask more clarifying questions. Because the cool thing about this is couples can often compromise. Like, maybe you don't want to tied up, but maybe you want a blindfold. Or maybe you only want your arms tied up and not your hand. You know, your hands tied up, not your feet. Whatever he's into there and whatever you're into, there's ways to find a common ground so you guys can both be satisfied.

Okay, so this next email comes to us From Evan, who's 22 in Minnesota, and he writes. Hey, Emily, I listen to your podcast all the time during my seven hour car rides. I love what you do. In some of your talks, you say that there is not a certain amount of times a couple should be having sex a week and that we should come up to a compromise about how many times together. I've been in this relationship for six years. I'm a very sexual person and she is not. We had a talk about how often we both prefer to have sex a week. I prefer pretty much every day, but obviously she won't agree. So I said once a week at the very least I'd be okay with. And we agreed on once a week. Sometimes there are a few weeks in a row where she doesn't feel up for sex or anything at all. She says she feels pressured to have sex once a week. And I love her so much and I don't want her to feel that way at all. I want to marry this girl, but I don't want to commit if I go months without sex. It sounds selfish, but it's just high on my list of the five love languages. I'd love to hear any advice that you have. She's the girl of my dreams.

Okay, Evan, thanks for this question. So this is what it makes me think in reading it. The reason why she might, you know, be feeling pressured is a lot of us, when we have like a deadline on us or someone's like, you must do this, it automatically takes the fun out of it and it becomes like another chore. It becomes like another task, another item on our to do list. So, of course, you know, you don't want her to feel that way and this is not your fault. So I think that it sounds like we have to figure out together with her, what is she into? Like what she might. You're young, you're 22. She might also be around your age. And remember that she might not have found that thing about sex that excites her yet. And so there Sounds like there has to be some exploring to do. Like, is she having orgasms? Does she masturbate? Does it seem like once you start having sex, she's really enjoying it? So these are the questions you guys need to have because she really does have to meet you halfway on this. You know, couples know I'm not gonna give everyone a prescription for how many times a week they should have sex. But I can tell you that once a month isn't enough. I'm just gonna say it. So I feel like once you kind of go at it from, babe, I love you, wanna spend my life with you. Let's figure this out together. And you start asking, like, what does turn you on about sex? What you know, what pleases you? Do you mast in a very loving, open way. You're going to find out maybe what's beneath it and why she doesn't actually want to have sex or why weeks go by. Of course sex is on top of your list. It makes sense. So, you know, we want to get it to top of her list. So that only comes by a conversation where you're, you know, it's not pressuring, it's just more of a let's talk about sex, baby. Let's figure out what we're both into. So I think slow things down, you know, and just have a really healthy conversation. And remember, it's not a one time conversation. This is not gonna be a one and done. This is gonna be ongoing. She might need to do some research and figure out what she's into, but I think you guys can get there with healthy talk for sure.

Okay, this next one is from Asia, who's 35 in Texas. She writes, hi Emily. I love the show. Listen all the time. You're my friend with the best sex advice in my mind. Lol. So I went through a painful divorce almost 2 years ago and I just started dating again. I met this guy who after one week texts every day and makes attempts to hang out and it just feels overwhelming. Since I started dating, I noticed there are a ton of guys who are avoidant attachment style and I definitely don't want that either. But it seems like I am more attracted and drawn to those guys and I'm not sure why. I'm so torn. This guy is really making an effort, but a part of me just does not seem as interested. But I do want to give him a chance. I'm just scared. Can you help?

Hey, Asia, I can definitely help you with this. So this is a common thing you often hear, like why do I want, you know, every guy that wants me, I don't want. But then the ones who are unavailable, those are the ones give them to me now. So that happens. We get attracted. People pull back. But here's what's going on. When you're talking about attachment styles, there might be something going on with you, with intimacy. Maybe the reason why you might be attracted to the unavailable guys is because you're actually not ready yet to really be intimate and open up to somebody else. You went through a really painful divorce. I'm glad you took two years off. And there's still probably a fear there about being hurt and opening up again and being really vulnerable and just being yourself. And you are scared here. So if there's a guy you want to give a chance to, right? Like, I think it's great to just kind of, you know, try it out. There's something that, you know, other people have called duty dating. I don't love that word because it makes it sound like, yeah, I still have to do my laundry and, you know, get my car washed. And it just makes it not sound fun. But there's certain ways that there's the people that we're attracted to, like, that we keep going towards. And eventually when we see that there's a pattern there, we kind of say, you know, what if I'm getting butterflies and I'm walking towards this guy in the bar, I should turn around and go the other way and kind of pick someone else. So I think, give this guy a chance, but remember, he just might be someone who's really interested. He's never thought, like, to play games or to be, you know, or pull back, which I actually like. But you can talk to him. People appreciate feedback. And you can say to him, you can go out with him and say, you know, I just want, you know, this has been a great day. I'm not during the week. I'm super busy. Text doesn't really work for me. Or if I don't get back to you right away, be patient. We all have different communication styles. There are some people who actually feel safer when someone texts them every day. So we're all different in this area, so that's definitely something you can work on. And if, let's say you do like this guy, you can figure out a communication style that works. But I would not discard that guy just because he's eager and seems into you. So think about those things and how they resonate with you and let me know how it goes, okay?

Caitlin, 21, in Texas she writes, hi, Emily. My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we met. We used to have an amazing sex life. But little by little, certain sex positions started hurting. And now, no matter how long sex lasts, it ends up hurting, and I can't finish. I also usually end up having a panic attack and crying at the end of sex. My boyfriend is super supportive, but now it feels like he doesn't want to have sex with me because he doesn't want to hurt me. Help.

Oh, Caitlin, let me help you here. This makes sense. You guys have gotten yourself into kind of a loop here. You know, he doesn't want to hurt you, and then you're having pain. And so it sounds to me like if you're having pain, you have to go see a specialist. I'm not sure if you talk to your doctor, your gynecologist. A lot of times they don't really know where to direct women for pelvic pain. And so I think you should go see a pelvic floor physical therapist. You can find them. They're probably, you know, under your health plan or, you know, just do some research online. You should definitely check out a podcast we did with a woman named Heather Jeffcoat, and that came out a few months ago. So, yeah, I mean, if you're having regular pain, there could just be an issue, you know, with something that's going on with your muscles down there. Maybe it's been going on since you were a virgin. Maybe you don't really know. But a lot of women have pain that can really be solved by seeing someone who specializes in this. So she would give you exercises to do at home, or you could work with her or him, whoever. It's probably a woman. I would say there's probably not a lot of male pelvic floor physical therapists, so I think that's one thing. Get that settled, because now you guys are getting in a loop of, like, you know, sometimes we get anxious when something happens during sex. One time it could happen, and then we're like, oh, no, I'm gonna have pain. And we might even be, like, worrying ourselves into pain. And then he's worrying you're having pain. So I think that, you know, make sure that you guys, like, slow things down. Make sure that you're already really turned on, because foreplay could definitely help. And if you guys are both virgins and, you know, you're 21 years old, there's some great learning to do here, and I would highly suggest that you take time to figure it out on your own. Some masturbation, some touching your body. Maybe you guys could do it together. Mutual masturbation. But just make sure that you're warmed up. You know, you might also be having pain because you're not turned on. You're not warmed up, your body's not ready to receive him yet, which happens a lot, you know, because men and women just get warmed up and turned on differently. He's all ready to go and you're not turned on. It could hurt. So, you know, I'm not really sure which one of those things are, but I can tell you a good prescriptive of foreplay and always using lots of lube. You know, I love lube. And getting checked out by your doctor. And I think you guys can solve this together. And remember, just be really honest with him and let him know where you're at in this journey of seeing a doctor and with the pain so you guys can continue to have healthy sex. And currently you don't have to stop being intimate just because you can't have intercourse right now. In fact, I would say that maybe this pain is a message for now or a great time for you guys to say we're not gonna have intercourse. But let's, you know, practice on oral sex, foreplay, sensual massage, you know, things like that, so you can truly connect on an intimate level and understand what really gets you both turned on.

So this is from Chris, female Chris. She's 31 in Georgia and she writes. Hi, Emily. I recently began listening to your show and I enjoy all the things you discuss. I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. We have a five year old together. But for the past four years, there's been another man in my life. My relationship with my boyfriend is very lackluster and I felt for a while that he has no desire to move forward. He's still married. Hmm. I did leave him, but he said he had changed, so I came back.

Back.

He hasn't changed. What do you suggest to help me take that leap and move on with my life? The other man has been a very good friend, first and foremost, but I feel like there's something else there. I've told him how I feel about him and don't get any genuine feelings in return. We've been intimate, but that's very few and far between. I understand that he may not want to divulge because what can really happen between us? He often tells me I assume too much, but never gives clarity. When I'm single, I intend on prioritizing myself, but would like to see where this could go. Am I getting my hopes up? How do I not jump from one relationship to another when I've been into this guy for so long? Thanks you for your time and your platform. Your advice is immensely appreciated.

Oh, okay, Chris, let's unpack this. There is a lot going on here. Okay, Let me just work through this with you. For one, your boyfriend, the fact that your boyfriend that you have a kid with is still married. And he was married. I'm assuming he's been married while you had the kid. And then maybe now he's separated, but it's still been seven years, no divorce in sight. And he hasn't changed. You've given him a lot of time to change. You guys have been together for a while, and so this is something to learn. You know, when people show you who they are, believe him, he's already, you know, you know who this guy is. And it seems like. I understand that you share a kid together, but this how so messy. And I want you to be able to get into a healthy, a much healthier space. And, you know, it's a typical guy, married, gonna leave, not gonna leave. And you've already been in this and it's time to close that chapter. Yeah, and the other guy too. He's showing you who he is. Why isn't he being as much on board? You know, he's playing games and not telling you what you need right now, or. All I'm getting from this. The bottom line is I believe that you truly need to take a break right now. You need to figure out, like, who is Chris without a man in your life. And you even said that when you're single, you do intend on prioritizing yourself after you see where this other thing could go. You're already getting a sense this other guy may or may not be into it. And you've got a young kid. So I would say this is the time. Why don't you. You know, this is a practice, though. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. Cause you've always had men in your life and it sounds like it's been dramatic too. And sometimes we. We have relationships that have drama in our life because it's kind of, I don't know, it seems exciting or it keeps us interested. And it also, though I'm talking from experience, keeps us from really being able to see clearly what we want because we're so caught up in drama and trying to get someone to like us and come back. And then they leave and they come back. And so I'm just feeling like, Chris, you need the serious you time. Who are you without a man? Who are you like, aside from these relationships you have, you know, you've been in a relationship with him since you were 24. You've been with this guy or 23, 24, you're 31. So for seven years you've been in a very complicated relationship with a guy who's married. And then you have a kid on your own. You're a single mom. So I think it's time for you to build your community that doesn't involve guys that you, you are sleeping with. So it could be guy friends, women friends, other moms, other parents. And this is something that I don't think we talk about it enough in our society, like how important community is and having a sense of self and a sense of people around you that, you know, have your back. And that's often how we grow when we actually meet people that are really healthy, when we kind of filter out people that aren't serving us and we draw towards us people that we really care about and that are going to be our friends. And, you know, the way we live now, we live away from our families and our friends actually become our surrogate families. So I feel like that is what is the most important thing for you right now. And I think kind of let go of both these guys. If the other guy comes back around in a year or six months, great. But now, Chris, I'm concerned about you and taking the time, you know, take the leap to have it be the year of Chris and figuring out, you know, all the things that work for you and getting rid of the things that don't. That's what we got time for today, huh? All right, thank you, Jamie. Thanks to my amazing team. Ken, Samantha, intern, Michelle, Jamie, of course, and Michael. Hey, let me know, was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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