So You Wanna Have a Threesome

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You engage all of your senses. And what I mean by that is you go back to okay, in the moment. What am I seeing? Well, I'm seeing woman in front of me who's really turned on. What am I hearing? I'm hearing the music in the background. What am I smelling? Oh, that vanilla candle smells great. What am I touching? Her skin feels really soft right now. You might only be able to do one of those, but when we drop into our senses in a moment, then nothing else exists. And you might have to do that like 16 times in a minute. But the more you do that, the more you'll be able to connect with this woman and be more present and have sex.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Welcome to the wide world of alternative relationship models. Opening up. Threesomes and swinging are increasingly becoming more mainstream. So naturally, we've all got questions. Some of us do better with monogamy, but some of us thrive with a little variety. And no matter where we land on the spectrum of relationships and sexual we can always gain vocabulary to explore our desires and act on our pleasure. So on today's show, I take your questions on open relationships and we get into it first. We tackle open relationships when we're already partnered. So, threesomes and swinging. How do you establish the ground rules? What do you do when your partner has a date but you don't and you feel that jealousy coming on? Next, threesomes and swinging. How do you practice safe sex in a group sex situation? Finally, when you're the third party, what's the best way to talk to the partner of your partner, in this case and truly all others? The key is becoming a grade A communicator. Because if there's one thing you can count on in an alternative relationship, it's lots and lots of talking intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to let you hear from people just like you who are curious about unconventional sex and relationship models. By listening to our conversations, I hope you'll feel validated if you've been wondering about the same things. Even if you're not ready to make any big changes just yet, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, 5 Sex Toys to Stuff youf Stockings and Holiday Gift Guide, is up@sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com askemily all right, everyone, Enjoy this episode.

Okay, everyone, before we dive in, I absolutely love this topic of alternative relationships because it is something a lot more people are considering. But if this stuff is new to you, it can be a little scary or even intimidating and also totally cool. If it's not your thing, it doesn't have to be your thing. Of course, majority of couples find it more comfortable to be monogamous, and that's awesome. But there's also other options. And so as you listen today, here are my top three things to keep in mind. Number one, prioritize communication. I know I say it all the time. Communication is a lubrication. But in the case of alternative relationship models, be prepared to talk a lot. You're gonna have tons of conversations with people, especially your partner if you have one. You may think alternative relationship models bring more sex, and that might be the case. But one thing we can say for sure is they definitely bring more talking. And I think talking is sexy. Number two, stay curious. When we don't take in new information, guess what happens when we're not curious? We default to mainstream models and ways of thinking. And that's great. If they work for you, totally cool. But when you're curious about other people and how they do things, you absorb valuable data, and that can help you make more informed choices. So just get curious. And that's sort of the opposite of the getting judgmental model. And number three, practice compassion. This stuff can get emotional, and that's okay too. Remember your I statements when talking to a partner. Listen to where they're coming from. Truly listen. And give yourself a healthy dose of compassion as well. This is new territory for most of us. So just by being here and listening to this show, you're doing the brave thing. And I love that you're all here. And remember to share this show with someone that you think it would help them. I know a lot of you out there are now considering checking out different kinds of relationships. So if you found this helpful, pass it along. Okay, everyone onto the show. All right, I love this. We have a couple calling in Jim and Pam, 35, from Iowa. And they wanna know how to navigate or start an open relationship. Hi, Jim and Pam. Hi, there. Hey. So tell me what's going on?

Well, so essentially, about a year ago, we kind of got a little more experimental and exploratory with our sex life. And one of the items we originally tried to explore was looking to try and do a threesome. Okay, well, kind of on the way to that, we ended up meeting a woman that was herself in an open relationship, but only with other women. And then she and my wife kind of hit it off really well. They actually started dating. And right after the first date, the question came up if we were interested in an open relationship. We're both open to the idea.

It's just such a.

Such a new area and such a new area for us to explore that we aren't entirely sure what we're doing.

Okay, how long have you guys been together?

We've been married for 10 years, together for 15.

Okay, great. You guys sound like you're really open. Really, here's the thing about open relationships is that there's a lot of talking, right? There's a lot of really unsetting boundaries. So there's a great book called Opening up by Tristan Taormino. And I would recommend that book because I think you guys can kind of walk through it together. But what the most important thing is like making sure that you guys keep open lines of communication. So what are the boundaries? Here's some examples. You would like to have sleepovers. Do you want to meet the person ahead of time? Do you guys each on the same night, you're both going to go on dates with somebody else. Are you gonna share what happens or is it don't ask, don't tell? Are there certain things that are off limits, on limits? And I think you guys will actually have fun with this. There's like a list that can ask you. They call em, like yes, no, maybe lists. But I think they have them for open relationships. Like you can even walk through it. Like Pam, you could come in and say, okay, last night I had 16 orgasms with this guy. And he did. It was the best oral ever, you know. And I just, his penis was huge. And you know, Jim, like how would you feel about all those details? So you guys can kind of role play and kind see like what would fly and what wouldn't. And I think the guidance of this book and maybe even seeing a couples counselor, there's some that actually specialize in this to make sure that you don't, you know, that you're kind of going in the right direction. So that's what I would cover beforehand. But obviously you're not going to know until it actually happens. So be prepared that when you guys actually, when this actually does happen and you come home after and you talk about it, there might be some jealousy, like unexpected or even in places that you didn't think would bother you. And so that's when you really talk about it. You're like, well, this really made me feel this way. And then this is why. And, and so what I found from people in open relationship, they actually, the ones I know that are really in healthy open relationships have the most honest, open communication that is actually really admirable, I think. And they go places that people in monogamous relationships often don't. So I think it could be really positive. Just make sure you keep talking.

Yeah, we've done so much talking. There's so many emotions.

That's good.

That'S good.

I spent several days just like writing out like list of rules on a notepad, like of things that we would be comfortable or not comfortable with.

Oh good. Okay. So it sounds like you guys are.

Already like if it did happen.

Yeah. No, I love it. You guys sound great. It sounds like you're already then going in the right direction and then so. And I think you just keep that going because you can't know until it happens. But I think it helps to do as much work you can ahead of time and then to honor those boundaries, obviously, and, like, watch the drinking. You know, if you guys are big drinkers or alcoholics, sometimes people can, you know, social lubricant. Sometimes we make, you know, we do things we wouldn't normally do. So I think it's great to kind of limit that. Drugs, alcohol, you know, when our inhibitions go down and so. Yeah. Any. Any other specific questions? It sounds like you guys are already off to a good start.

We are. It's just. Just been kind of tricky.

We're in Iowa, where, like, nothing is.

I know. That was the other thing. You're in Iowa. So how does this happen? Do you guys have kids? Do you have time? Can you travel or.

We do. So where. It's mid limited.

And we've been playing.

Around on the different, like, dating apps and things like that.

It's just so difficult.

It is. Yeah. Is there. Is there?

We'd have to probably travel to a bigger city.

Yeah, I was gonna say maybe go to the, you know, a city close by. There's some apps like field is an app, F EELD and FetLife. Although, you know, I'm not sure how populated it is in Iowa. You could have a weekend in Vegas, so. But I think you'd also be surprised, though. I think that there are more people who are interested in this than you actually might think. So, you know, the swinger next door. So I think that you're gonna find your people when you put it out there. So keep looking and then see what you got to do to make it happen. Finding that other person can be challenging, but I think you guys are, you know, they are there. I promise you. And if you have to go to another city, you might have to travel.

Right.

For sure.

Make a weekend out of it.

Exactly. Why not? It sounds like a good time.

Yeah. So just keep talking, keep looking. You know, you might have some forever now.

Yeah, for sure.

Okay, good. Well, I want to hear how it goes, so keep me posted. Thank you guys so much for calling.

We're huge fans, Emily.

Oh, thank you. I'm fans of yours. I love how you guys are doing this. So thank you for calling.

Thanks.

Bye. Have a great night. I love this, you guys. You know, more and more couples now, they really? First, let me say this. You might be listening going, oh, my God, I can never do that. That's crazy. Open relationships. And it's certainly not for everyone, I can tell you that. But you'd be surprised. There's a lot of people who actually make this work by really fierce, honest, open communication. Let's take an email. This is from Kim, who's 21 in Louisiana, and she writes. Hey, Dr. Emily. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we generally have a good relationship. However, I recently met someone else that I'm very sexually attracted to. I was wondering if there was a way to approach my boyfriend asking for, like, a hall pass type of thing. Asking for permission to hook up with this other person, for one. I think it would help me let out some steam and hopefully satisfy my want for something different in bed. But I still want to be with my boyfriend. Am I just wanting to have my cake and eat it, too? Is this not a thing? Kim, this is a really good question. Yeah, this is kind of a cake and eating it, too question. This is also a you're 21 years old question. So you guys have been together two years. He might be one of the first partners you've had, and you generally have a good relationship, but you're in the place. What happens with a lot of couples, there's this thing called the honeymoon phase, which is a real thing. It's a state of mind when we're with someone and we all. The hormones, the oxytocin, everything's flying. You feel really connected, and we're in love and everything's great. It's really more like lust. And then it's gonna wane after. It's gonna. It's gonna change. And so I feel like you want to stay with your boyfriend, but you are. You're young. There might be something that's not satisfying in your relationship. Typically, when we look outside of our relationship, it's because we're not getting certain needs met. And so I think that before you go off and cheat and ask them for a hall pass, which I actually appreciate, you're not going to cheat. You're going to ask them for a hall pass. But I don't think that's going to go well. So what I recommend is that you take it back inward and you talk to them about what you actually want in bed. Remember, our partners are not mind readers as much as we would love them to be, so we don't have to have these really awkward conversations. So. And I understand that, you know, that it is hard, but this is a great way to start. Just tell him. Let him know what you need. Maybe you guys can figure out things together. You said you have to let off steam and satisfy your wants in bed. I don't think he knows, and maybe he hasn't. Remember, like, great lovers are not born, they are made. So this could be practice for you in working on your relationship together. You know, if you. If you really feel like you want to explore and you want to get out there, then it is time to end the relationship. That's my thought on it. If you. Rather than like asking for the hall pass, that's going to get messy. And often when we're in relationships, we want to go outside the relationship. So I think it'd be a great learning lesson, life lesson, for you to say, I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but all I know is there's something with our sex life that's kind of missing for me, and I think it would be, I love you, I love our relationship, and I think that we should start to talk about things that turn us both on. That would feel good. And if you guys don't know, listen to the show together and kind of just use me and just say, well, Emily said this or that. You know, this is how a lot of couples and people learn how to have better sex. Go to a sex toy store, watch some porn together. That turns you both on. There's a lot of different resources out there if you're not sure exactly what it is Kim that turned you on. But I would use this again and as an opportunity to have these difficult conversations. Here's the other thing people just made me think of. We hear from a lot of people who are new to the sex game. They just, you know, in their teens, 20s, and they're like, I just want to be the best lover. I want to have all the skills and all the tricks and all the things. But being a great lover is not about learning how to be the best kisser or learning how to give an excellent blowjob. Although we can talk, I can explain that to all of you. A lot of it is about these really challenging, hard communication skills that get a lot easier over time. Right? That's why I just want her to rip the band aid off and have that conversation. If we can learn to communicate with our partners, hear what they're saying, pay attention, really listen, and then reflect back and kind of work on it together, that's how you become a great lover. Communication is a lubrication. And that will make you all feel a lot more satisfied and feel like that confident lover that you all want to be. Okay, we have Brian from Canada. Tell me what's going on.

Well, so me and my fiance have been together for eight years and recently decided to open up their relationship. We talked about it for months and months and made rules and did all the things you're supposed to do.

Great.

And now when it's getting down to the nitty gritty, we decided to try at the beginning to go on dates on the same nights.

Okay, that makes sense.

You know, try and balance it out and get used to things. And now, of course, tonight, when we are supposed to both go on a date, mine cancels.

Ooh.

No backup plans. And it's tough.

Oh, Brian, I'm with you right now. I'm feeling you. That's hard.

You know, I trust her, and we have rules and boundaries, and I don't think she's gonna go past those or anything. It's just hard to let your mind wanders and all that kind of stuff.

Right, right, right. Well, I think this is a great. Yeah, no, thanks for calling, because we're here for you. I feel like I wish we could hang out with you all night, just till she comes home so you don't let your mind wander. I w. Do that, Brian. That is a tricky one.

I'll listen to you all night.

Okay, good. No, but, Brian, this is gonna be. You know, this is gonna give you some time to sit and think about it. And I. But I also think the more you could, like, keep yourself busy tonight, do some things you want to do, watch some movies, watch television, and not let your mind go to the negative places. So, you know, what are your. I guess it's important to think about. What are your plans for when she comes home tonight?

Right. That's another thing that gives me anxiety.

Right.

It's like when she comes home and I'm like, okay, what happened? And then she says, oh, xyz. And then I go, oh, right. I didn't do any of that stuff.

Does she know your date canceled?

Yes.

Okay, so what are your boundaries? Did you have boundaries, like, against. Like, what are the boundaries? Could she have sex tonight?

Boundaries are, like, no penetrative sex.

Okay.

Yeah. But everything else is kind of fair game. And tonight was kind of the night where we had been on, like, few, like, you know, whatever week dates and, like, some other kind of little dates before, but tonight was kind of, like the night where we were gonna go and. And stay out all Night type of thing, right?

Oh, God, Brian, I'm just killing me right now. Well, just know that your time is gonna come. Like, you'll have a date next week or it'll happen. But right now, I think it's. Right now you're in that jealousy fate. You're like, she's out. And how am I gonna react? But the truth is, even if you went out tonight, Brian, you could have gone out with someone and there wasn't this woman who canceled. But let's say you went out and there wasn'. But she came home and she had this amazing night, amazing connection. She can't wait to see this guy again. So this is actually. Maybe this is a good thing because this is gonna happen anyway. Like, that could have totally happened, and you might have come home and had a bad date, and that could suck too. So I think that there might be a way just to ask her calmly, like, how was her night? And maybe there's a way to let that information turn you on. Maybe could be some fuel that actually gets you aroused when she's telling you about what happened. You guys have done all the right things. It sounds like you've set the boundaries, the rules. You've talked about it. You went slow and had dates during the week. Truly, the only bummer is that tonight your date canceled. But that doesn't mean that your whole. You have to throw out the entire open relationship plan because of this one snafu, of course. So I think either you could.

It's hard sitting here. It's a good test, though, right? It's a good test of, you know, we're doing the right things. We did the right things. And there's gonna be other times where her date cancels or, I don't have a date. This is what I'm balls. We're planning on hopefully doing it for the long term. So, I mean, it's. It's just.

It's.

It's a really good test. Yeah, it's throwing exactly it. This is a test. This was gonna happen anyway, and that's why you guys just continue to talk about. And a lot of people in open relationships have a lot of bumps in the road early on. And. And so I think that that's where you do the learning. And then after, you know, a few months or a few years, they're like, oh, yeah, we got over that. You know, we worked through all the kinks. So I just think it's a great test. And it sounds like you've been with her for eight years. She know, she probably knows what you can handle. And I think that the biggest thing is a little bit of FOMO right now. But just don't let this disappointment, you know, when something happens. Like, I'm just trying to think of, like, when you miss a flight and you're really excited for a trip, and then you miss a flight, and then, you know, all your friends are somewhere that you're supposed to be there, and it's really painful. Cause you just can't. You know what I mean? You can't stop it. But you miss something. You missing a party or. Yeah. So that's all it is. Like, this isn't isolated for a few more hours incident. Or maybe she'll be out tonight, I don't know. But it's not. It does. Don't let this ruin the entire foundation that you guys have laid out for you. You're gonna be fine with this, Brian.

Thanks, Emily.

Be strong. Thanks, Brian. Thanks for calling. Sex with Emily. Let's hear a word from our sponsors. Then I'm talking to Chris, who needs a little help staying hard while practicing couple swapping.

We have an email from Courtney, 29, in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily. I love your show and I need your advice. I've been married for almost four years. I've known my husband since I was 12, and he's a phenomenal human. We both struggled with postnatal depression and the myriad of marital problems in our relationship since we had Our first child 3 1/2 years ago and have since had our second. We went to an intimate birthday celebration for a very close friend of ours. 30th and I partied a little too hard, and my husband went home before me. I ended up having a threesome with two of our closest friends. They are a couple, and my husband is struggling with it. There's obviously a lot more to this story, but perhaps I can share with you more later. Help me. All right. All right. I hear you, Courtney. So you slipped and fell in a threesome. That happens. You know, I've slipped and fallen on a penis before. And it's okay. You know, we all get through these things. But if your husband is struggling, which I can imagine, you know he is, these are your closest friends, and you guys have a really close. You know, you've been with your partner since you were 12, or you've known him since you were 12, this is gonna be really tricky. Now, you also said there's a lot more to this story, and what that makes me think is maybe there's been some prior Attractions. Or maybe you knew the threesome was gonna happen at some point. I'm not sure what it is, but it just sounds tricky and a little bit messy. And my advice to you is that you and your husband get into some marital counseling therapy right now to help you navigate this, because it is trust that's been broken. And when trust is broken in a relationship, you really need help putting it back together. Couples are not successful at doing it on their own. I've seen this happen all the time where someone's like, well, I apologize, and it was three years ago, and what else do they want me to do? No, you actually really need to get someone to help you navigate this. And you might also find working with this therapist that there's other tools that you're gonna gain to help you guys communicate even better. In fact, this scenario, this situation of the threesome could actually bring you guys a lot closer. You said you've already been having problems in the relationship, so it sounds like seeing a therapist is really gonna be the right decision for you guys right now and the threesome. Just think of it that way. It's the thing that got you into therapy. But from what I'm reading from your email here, is that it's been something that's been coming for a while. And what you may sort out is that maybe being a little bit open or hooking up with another couple might be fine in your relationship down the road. But it sounds like since the trust was broken and it wasn't something that he expected and he was home sleeping, you're going to need to first heal that, repair your relationship, and then figure out what you both want going forward. Because I want to remind everyone that any kind of relationship is possible. You have to remember that monogamy is the only model that we see everywhere in society and culture, on television and movies. But we're living in a different time right now. And monogamy was created for a bunch of reasons that have nothing to do with where we are today in society. If straightforward monogamy doesn't work for you, or you'd like to figure out a way to open up something with your partner maybe once a year or once a quarter or, you know, whatever it is, you guys get to decide, there's no relationship police that are gonna come knock on your door and tell you that you're doing it the wrong way. So I hope by listening to this show today and just listening to the show in general, it's gonna help you all realize that the power of a healthy Relationship and what you want to look like is in your hands. Thanks for your email, Courtney. Chris, he's 36 in Oklahoma, and he can't stay hard in couple swapping, but he can during threesomes, regardless of the third person's gender. Tell me what's going on. Break this down for me.

Basically, exactly what you said. We've been. My wife and I have been playing around with, you know, third parties for a little over a year, and we decided we would try the couples thing because unicorns are hard to find.

Ain't that the truth with that route? So you've been in threesomes with men and women. Are you. Are you bisexual? Are you with men? Or is it. She's with the men.

Just her.

Just her. Okay, so what happens is you swap. Is it a married couple that you're swapping with?

Yes.

Okay. Is she in another room?

No, we're together in the same bed.

So far, all four of you are in the same bed?

Yes.

Okay, well, maybe that's part of it. What if you separated, went to another room with the woman?

I think that would be easier for me with the other girl, but I'm afraid of where my mind will go otherwise.

Well, here's the thing. First of all, you don't have to do this either. Right? Like, I, like, I don't want to know. There's not like a gun to your head. This might not be your thing. Right. It might just be hard for you. But also know this, that a lot of the challenges that we have around sex, whether it's swapping or even just having an orgasm or asking for what we want, is because we're in our head and we're so worried. This is really a mindfulness practice. Do you have any practice with, like, experience with meditation, anything like that? Okay, well, I'll make this easier for you. Don't worry. I'm not going to, like, light incense and make you do anything like all woo here. But really, the right. Don't worry, don't hang out. Here's the thing about mindfulness. This is what it means. Let me break this down. Basically, it means that when you're with this other person, and I think it might help if you're in the other room that you. The second your mind is going to, oh, my God, what's happening with my wife? You go right back to. You engage all of your senses. And what I mean by that is you go back to. Okay, in the moment. What am I seeing? Well, I'm seeing this woman in front of Me, who's really turned on. What am I hearing? I'm hearing the music in the background. What am I smelling? Oh, that vanilla candle smells great. What am I touching? Her skin feels really soft right now. You might only be able to do one of those, but when we drop into our senses in a moment, then nothing else exists. You're just present. And you might have to do that, like, six, 16 times in a minute. But the more you do that, and it's practice, the more you'll be able to connect with this woman and be more present and have sex with her without your brain getting in the way. Because all that stuff is just. You can control that because it's actually you talking to yourself. It's not some foreign voice in our brain. Unfortunately, it's not like some foreign alien in our brain, even though it feels right. But the good news is that you're in control, and you could. What I would say is, before you guys go on to another swap, I'd love you to start practicing this when you're masturbating or when you're actually having sex with your wife. Because, you know, sometimes even when with our partners, we're like, oh, God, I turn off the oven. Like, are the kids gonna come in? You know, we worry. So the more you can say, you know what, let me practice thinking about, like, being present and engaging my senses with my wife. You'll already have practice for when you bring in the next person.

Right. That makes sense. And I actually have tried what almost what you said the last time we were with a couple, because since the first time I sent you guys the question, we it, we've been with another couple, actually the same couple. And I did exactly that, and it helped out quite a bit. But I did still notice back and forth that, you know, I was wondering, well, what the fuck is she doing?

Right? Right. Well, it's a practice. That's why they call it a practice. Right? And only the Buddha gets become the Buddha. Like, this is the word. It's a lifetime practice. Like, I still get distracted during sex. It's my job. And I remember I got to bring myself back. So it's not like it's perfect. Everyone's wanders during sex. Is my partner pleased? What's going on? Is that a noise outside? So just know that that's great. So you're telling me the second time, it felt better. So this is. Just keep doing it, Keep doing this. Keep practicing this. And then also also know that if this doesn't work for you, that's okay, you can go back to the threesomes. You can go back to the foursome, maybe have a foursome where you're all in it together, literally. So. So just. There's nothing wrong here. Just see how it goes the next time and just. I think it's going to keep getting better since it already is improving.

I agree. Hopefully I'll just keep trying.

Good. Okay. Just keep being present with that. Thanks, Chris. Thanks for calling.

Thank you very much.

You're so welcome. I love that people are trying to explore something different each time, right? I mean, you know, you got swapping and threesomes, and our brains just do things we don't want them to do. But the more we can practice being in our body and being present in the moment, whether you're with one person or six people, it's going to serve you, and it's going to help us all have better support sex. Okay, we have Evan, 29, in Alabama. Hey, Dr. Emily. So my wife and I have been married for five years now, and I love our sex life, but I want to see her with another girl. We've talked about a threesome before, and she's okay with it unless they get feely with me. And I'm not sure if she's completely down for it because she's more of a jealous person. So how do I talk her into it and make her feel safe? I'm not going to touch the other girl because I know she doesn't want me to, and I'm totally fine with just having two girls in bed. Love the show. You've helped me out in so many ways. I can't thank you enough. All right, Evan, thank you so much for your email here. And let me remind you of this. You're not gonna get your partner to have a threesome. No one is. In fact, when I hear that, I shudder. Because a threesome has to be something that your partner chooses. It's because your partner is also interested in being with a woman. If this is something that, you know, you're just kind of forcing upon her or you think it would be hot, that's no way to do it. And that's why we roll this back in a healthier conversation. Hey, so have you ever thought about hooking up with a woman? Are you into threesomes? Is it something that you find hot? Now, I'll assume that you're married and you've already had some of these conversations, but if she's a jealous person and you're gonna bring another woman into the Bed. And your intention is, you know, it sounds to me like you'd love Evan to be hooking up with both of them. And honestly, I think there's a lot of men in your situation who would want to be with both of the women that show up in their bed. So I think that we gotta slow this down. And your question is, how do I talk her into it and make her feel safe? What I want you to do is talk to your wife about what are her fantasies, her genuine fantasies. What turns her on? If she said that she is into hooking up with women, like, find out more about that. Does she want to be with a woman maybe without you? Does she want you to be nowhere near the bed? Maybe she wants to hook up and have you just watched sitting on a chair in the corner.

What does this scenario look like? Because it sounds like right now, maybe she does want to have the threesome or she does want to be the woman, but she doesn't want you to touch her. Maybe she wants you in another kind of scenario. So again, this goes back to listening and getting curious and finding out what she deeply, truly, genuinely wants without trying to get her anywhere. I just want you to be curious and open and to listen and to practice repeating back what you hear. This goes for everybody talking about these things. You know when your partner says something like, I really want to be with another woman, instead of saying, oh, really? Like, let's do it tomorrow, you could say, oh, so you want to have a threesome with another woman or you want to be with another woman? And she might say, oh, yeah, well, I guess I want to be with another woman, but it looks like this. So the more we can just relay back what we heard and get curious, we'll have our time for talking, but this is your time for listening and being an attentive, loving partner. Okay, Evan, let me know how it goes. I get asked this question a lot, you guys. How do I get my partner to blank whatever it is, and really, you're going to regret it. If you get your partner to do anything sexually that they're not a hundred percent into. If it's not a hundred percent a, hell yes, and you got them to do it, that's not going to bode well for your relationship. Let's take another email. This comes from Stacy, 26, in Chicago. She writes, hey, Dr. Emily, I've been listening to your show for a few months now, and I love it. Having a threesome is something I fantasize about doing for a while, and I've heard a lot of people talk about the emotional health side of it, like how to avoid jealousy if you're planning one with a partner and things like that. But I've yet to hear much about the physical health aspect. What are the logistics of using a condom in a threesome? So, Stacy, the thing about a threesome is if you're with is using a condom is that you have got to change condoms. If you go from one person to the next, he's got a condom on. Let's say it's you and two. You and a friend. You and another woman. I actually don't suggest having threesomes with a friend, a good friend, but he should take it off. Like it's not safe. Just like when you go from back to front, like if he goes in your vagina and then he goes in your butt, your anus. Can't do it. Condom, you just switch it. You have a stack of condoms by the bed and you replace it. So that is the physical health side of it. And also getting tested. I mean, it is important if you can be with someone who has gotten tested and can show your results, Although I don't know how often that happens. I would like that to happen for people to get tested and share your result. But just use condoms. Like, I think if you're going to get tested and get it all buttoned up, then just keep using condoms. But the truth is, yeah, you can get stuff in other ways, too. But I think every few months it's good to get tested. No one does that, but you should definitely. Once a year for sure. Let's just say twice a year. After the break, I'm talking to Elise, who needs some advice for how to best manage communication while dating a couple.

Okay. We have Bethany. She's 29, from Colorado, and her partner is not giving her oral, even though she's a giving lover. Hey, Bethany, thanks for calling. Let's get into this. Tell me what's going on.

You know, it's just funny because I've never been in a relationship where I didn't receive as well. And honestly, it's kind of taken a stab at my confidence.

Yeah, makes sense.

Yeah. It's just strange to me because after not receiving it, I realized how important it is.

Yeah, it is. Absolutely. So you're not wrong here at all. I think that I've been in that situation too, and I was like, what is going on here? So how long have you been with your boyfriend?

It's been a year. And I've kind of decided that if things don't change soon, I don't know if I can continue on. And I felt initially that that was kind of shallow of me, but I just want to know if there's a way I can kind of entice him because I feel like I've tried it all.

Okay, first of all, it is not shallow. I'm going to tell you here. I've ended a relationship based on lack of oral. So many women require oral sex. It's like the way we orgasm. Like we're more likely to orgasm from oral than intercourse. So you're good here. So tell me how you've talked to him about it in the past.

Well, I've kind of just said, is it something that I'm doing it? Like, is it my scent or anything like that? And he says, absolutely nothing wrong with your anatomy. It's. It's in my head. I also just skip over it in my mind because I haven't done it in the past two relationships I've been in. So I kind of have, like, hinted towards it when we are in that intimate moment, and then he just reverts completely to something else.

Good. Okay, so this is great information because here's what I'm thinking. That he's probably feeling like he's not good at it and he doesn't have a lot of experience, so. Which he probably doesn't. I think he probably really wants to please you. It's not like he doesn't sound like he had a bad experience or it's just not his thing that he might need some guidance from you. But I think what we got to change here, Bethany, is that you have this conversation with him when you're not. Not in the moment. So I think it's time for like a heart to heart. Go out to dinner or somewhere where you guys are feeling relaxed. Could be at breakfast, in the morning, wherever you feel comfortable and say, babe, I'm going to talk to you about something. Love, our sex life, our relationship. It's hot. But I know I've brought up oral sex before, and it's something that I actually. I've realized now after a year that I actually need it. Like, I miss it, I require it. And so, and I know we've talked about this, it sounds to me like maybe you feel like you're not really sure, you know, because you haven't done it a lot. And so ask him a question, say, is that what it is? And then let him answer, you know, and then do you think he would be open to that?

Yeah, I think he really does want to try. And maybe I could just give him some pointers.

Yes.

I guess I haven't ever really taught anybody.

Exactly. Okay, so this is great because I bet he wants to learn and he wants to please you. Now, do you like, masturbate? Are you familiar with your body?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, great. Okay. This is going so well, Bethany. So I think the thing for you to do is to, is to say, ask him if he'd be open to it and maybe a little more mutual masturbation session where you could show him how, like exactly how you like to be touched. Or maybe it's a one way masturbation where first you get off and he's watching and then maybe he gets off because if it's mutual, he might not really be able to pay attention. So you could just show him like, this is how I like my clitoris touch, this is how I use my fingers. I like to have some lube here and then like actually show him. It's like a show and tell. So you don't like, you have to explain it when you're talking to him at dinner. You can just let him know that you'd love to work on it together, that you actually think would be really hot for you guys to figure it out together.

Yeah.

In every situation is a new learning curve because even if he'd been doing it to every woman in the past, every woman's body is different. So I think first find out if you've got the go ahead, if he's cool and he wants to learn, and then it's either through mutual masturbation or even if it's just you saying, you know what? So next time when you go down to me, I can't wait to teach you, I think it'd be so hot for me to show you exactly what I like. And then he'll feel less anxious like he's supposed to be performing. And then you guys can learn together. You can teach him while he's there. Make it fun, though. Make it fun, make it light and just give him an option. Because what happened to me was I said to my partner, I said, listen, is it number one.

You'Re not really sure if I'm into it, or number two, you're not sure that you want to do it, or number three, it's not your thing? And he said, you know what? It's not my thing. And then I said, well, babe, you're not my thing. And then I ended my relationship. It's a deal breaker. So for you, though, I'm thinking you're gonna hear, yeah, I really want to, but I'm just not sure what I'm doing. You say, wow, great. Cause I can't wait to show you. And then you make it fun, you keep it light and, you know, take might take a little bit of time, you know, takes a while like my boyfriend didn't get. A lot of guys don't get it right away. So you just keep working on it so you can get what you want.

Yeah, maybe it's just intimidating to them.

I guess it is. It's really intimidating to them. Cause they wanna please you so bad. And then men have this thing in their head like, oh, I should already know and why don't I know and I doesn't makes me less of a man. None of which is true. So the more you can make him feel like, you know, he is that great lover and he's hot and you can't wait and all that stuff, he's going to be able to relax into it and give you those screaming orgasms that you deserve.

Okay, Bethany, it's gonna only be a little bit longer until I'm like, I know.

This is why I think it's gotta be like tonight. Just talk to him about it. It sounds scary, but once you get into it, perfect. Please do it tonight and then please let me know how it goes. Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Thanks, Bethany. Thanks for calling Sex family. I love this, you guys. We all have pleasure as our birthright, and we all have the right to better sex and especially oral sex, you guys. So tell your partner what you want, make sure they're on board, and let's all go down like we mean it. Next we have Elise, who's dating a couple.

My question is, what's the best way to like, develop your relationship with them both individually, but then also respect their relationship that's already established?

Well, honestly, I think that this is a conversation that three of you have together. So if you are just getting to know them, what boundaries do they have set up in this relationship? What are the values? Like, are you over there certain nights a week? Are they cool if you go out with the guy alone? You know what I'm saying? So it's more like finding out more, more about what's gonna work for all of you because you don't wanna piss anyone off. You don't wanna be like, oh, well, I had a dinner with the husband to get to know him. And then she's like, we said you can't have individual meals, so it's really more about being authentic, I think, and saying, I really want this relationship to work. I've never done anything like this before. Been like a third in a relationship. And I think what you're saying, Elise, is that for you to really feel like you're a part of it, you wanna have some intimacy with both of them. You want to build the relationship so you know them both. Right?

Yeah. So her and I would, like, just be friends. Like, we wouldn't be intimate, and then him and I would be.

Okay, Got it. So I see you're only having sex with him.

Yeah.

Okay. And not with her, because she. Is she gonna be watching? Is she gonna be around? What's the. What's their fantasy?

Well, it's more like. The idea is more like a sister wife kind of.

Right, sister wife. Got it. Okay. I think you got to talk to her first.

Yeah.

And ask her what. She could probably tell you a lot about what her husband wants, too. So I think that the whole thing about the sister wife is that you got you. She's really your go to. I'd say she's your boss in this situation.

Yeah. But then she's also a sub, so I'm not really sure how that plays into it as well. Because then he technically is the one that, like, has all the power.

Well, I think. But that's sexually. I would think that in the. There must be ways that she's a dom in the relationship. If she's the one who allowed this to happen, I would believe that maybe she's a dom in other ways. I'm not really sure. You're gonna have to talk to them about it. But I think either if you feel comfortable. Who initiated your contact first, who's the one who you first talked to? She did reach out to me. Yeah. I think she's the one, you know, check in. So you guys have open communication, say, I'm not really sure who would talk to first, but I want for me to tell her what's important to you. I would love to have this, you know, connection with you, make sure that we're all in the same boundaries and rules. And this is gonna be the kind of thing I can tell you, Elise, that you're gonna have to keep talking about, like, as this gets started. Cause, you know, people can tell you one thing, and then you might be there, and they're acting totally different. So keep checking in so you can start making the good first steps to build that healthy relationship. So how do you feel about this, though? I have a Question. Because there's a lot of you listening, going, what? Sister wife? I don't get it. Like, it's not really that known of a concept. So can you kind of explain what your idea of what's going to be happening?

Yeah, well, my motives behind it is I really like the way that it, like, puts me into the relationship. Like, I have to go in very selfless and very mindful of them. And I like that. Like, I like that I can still have my needs met, but I'm also not a jealous person. So there's nothing that, like. Like a lot of there's a couple couples who like, don't show PDA in front of each other, but, like, we're not like that. Because I think that if he's a better husband to her, then he was like a good partner for me as well. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, it does. Are you going to be living with them?

Kind of. He's in the military, so it's a little bit harder depending on, like, where they're stationed, if they're off base or on base.

Got it. Let me know how it goes. I'd love to hear more about this, Elise, as it evolves. But just remember that you have to keep ask even those things that you think you can't say or you can't ask. This is really like having three people that in a relationship takes a lot more communication. So I can't tell you specifically what it is, but I can tell you to ask and figure it out together. The three of you. Don't guess.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you, Elise. Thanks for calling. Sex with Emily. Next up is Mia. She wants to understand how to cultivate erotic, sexual. Hey, Mia, tell me what's going on.

So been married for about seven years, and the other day after having sex, my husband text me and said.

Thank you for my. For wonderful sex. And it was so erotic. But I don't find it that it was erotic. But I think maybe he is hinting that he wants to, oh, have me go to that level of erotic. But I don't even know where to start without scaring him or googling it.

Well, wait, okay, so Mia, so he said to you, thanks for that sex. It was so erotic. And then you read it as a secret message where he didn't really mean that sex was erotic. That you should be more erotic.

Yes, because it's. That's a word we've never used in our Texas.

So erotic. I mean, here's the thing. First of all, no, it's such a Good question, Mia. And so that's interesting that he used that word. You're right. You guys have been together. You said seven years, and he's never said it. So you gotta go back and say, tell me, what was it that was so hot about it? I mean, yes, I loved having sex with you, but what stuck out for you as erotic? And then have him tell you. And so that's one thing just to find out what he means by that. But erotic means something that really, it's a. This is just like talking about kink. You kind of get to decide for yourself what is erotic. But erotic can be kissing the way that you guys. Maybe you kiss differently. Maybe you slowly, you know, took his clothes off or went down on him or. Or you talk dirty. That could be erotic for people. Or usually it's when I like to think of it as things going a little bit like, maybe slower or a little bit more like dirty talk or something. I mean, I'm not. Was there anything different about that?

About that one time that you remember?

Well, I even. I actually thought he was being more aggressive and erotic because he has been working out and he lost about 20 pounds, so he felt more, like, into it and passionate because we haven't done that in a while. So I'm thinking maybe he felt erotic and he used the word erotic.

Yeah, I think.

That'S exactly what it probably was. He probably feels, like, really good in his body and he, like, was rougher or took control and how did you feel about it? Yeah, did you think it was hot, too?

I was like a new guy.

See, that's amazing. So, Mia, that's. To him, that's erotic. Like, so to you. Do you have any, like, fantasies or anything that you be into that maybe you haven't tried yet?

Oh, definitely.

Yes.

The whole handcuff kind of thing and stuff like that, which we've talked about it, but I think it might be a good time to bring it up.

Yeah, I mean, Mia, this is so great, because I think it sounds like he's ready. Like, he's like, oh, my God, let's. That's. This. That was so hot. So what I love about this is, like, this is. You don't even. The conversations almost already started say, yeah, that was erotic. Or, tell me what was the most erotic part for you? And then you could say, well, we've talked about handcuffs. And then you guys could go shopping together. And that's so fun. You guys could go to a sex toy store near you. You're in California. I don't know where you are exactly, but, like, there's a lot of great stores here. You could go to our website if you wanna shop online. And then you order cuffs. And it's really fun to get those in the mail and then play with them. Get some blindfolds, get some massage candles. Massage candles, to me, are super erotic because you can each give each other a massage. The regular candles, you blow them out. They. You pour them on your partner. It's like oil that's not waxy or hot. I mean, it's amazing. So to me, this is exciting. And I don't. I think it is a matter of you guys figuring out what erotic means to both of you.

Yes. The other night you were talking about ask your spouse or your partner three questions or these questions about sex, but not in bed. I think it was something to the extreme of what is your fantasy or. Or a desire? So we can open that conversation.

Yes, exactly. That's what you should. Yeah. What is your fantasy? What's your turn on? What are three things that you want to try? What are three things that you've been fantasizing about? It's called a sexual bucket list. And you guys could each write three things down and then exchange it. And then you get to prioritize it. And then you're like, Saturday night, we're doing the cuffs, and then we're gonna watch read erotica together in the bathroom bathtub. And then we're gonna, you know, I'm gonna give you a massage with a candle and then ice cubes. So we're going from hot to cold. You know, you guys get to decide together. So I know the conversation seems like, oh, how do I have it? But really, it's just like, yeah, that was erotic. And let's do this, too, or let's talk about sex. And then you're gonna just. The whole world's gonna open up for you. Your whole sexual world.

Thank you so much. Why not?

Why not know, Mia? Why not? It's your husband. It's getting hotter. I. I love it. Keep it going and keep me posted.

Thank you.

Okay. You're so welcome. Thanks, Mia. Thanks for calling. All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed this special on alternative relationship models. Remember, pleasure is your birthright, but communication, well, it's a learned skill. And when you're in open territory, it's your number one asset.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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