Social Media: Changing How We Date, Mate & Relate

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good, but, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can check out all of our podcasts. Sign up for our mailing list. Have you not signed up for my mailing list yet? And you're actually a listener. I don't understand. Because my mailing list. First of all, if you sign up, you get the five biggest mistakes you're making in bed, if you're a man or a woman. Plus, I send you emails just, like, once a week, and they're actually informative and helpful. And people always say, oh, I love your emails. And who says they love your emails? Right? Who likes email? So check it out. And also subscribe to my podcast on itunes, because then you never miss a show. There's two a week. They're awesome. And in one more request for you all is that I would just love when next time you're on itunes, if you might want to give us a review, tell us what you think of the show. Right. I'm here with Anderson. Isn't it nice when people review?

It's nice to get feedback.

I know, but we charged for the show. Like, remember when I was like, been trying to make a living at this for a long time.

I never knew you when you're whoring yourself out. You've always been free when I've known you.

Right? But I did a little stint, and then there was some. I just noted there's angry people who were like, why are you charging? But we're not doing that anymore. So if you're enjoying this show, it's worth it.

It's worth five bucks an episode from the stuff that you learn about the bedroom.

I know, honey. How much have you learned?

Quite a bit. My wife's kind of happy.

Have you?

I don't tell you what I learn or what I use, but I learn.

Stuff like, really, like, you take stuff home.

I've learned a few things.

Tell me one.

I've learned a couple things.

Give me one.

You know what? I don't wanna.

Oh, Anderson, you're so uncomfortable.

Makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy to be serious.

Okay, fine. But your wife loves me.

She does. She likes me quite a bit. Yes.

Okay. Well, Anderson, it's good to see you. Welcome back.

It's good to see you.

I'm saying, and I'm excited. My guest tonight is Annie Daly. Annie is a freelance writer, and she's actually. Awesome. She lives in Manhattan and she's a freelance writer. She writes for a bunch of magazines. I'm sure you've seen her name. She writes for New York Post, Women's Health, Self, Elle, Shape, Health Men, timeout New York, and primarily covers sex, dating, relationships, health, wellness, diet, fitness and millennial trends. And I actually met Annie when. Hi, Annie. Hey. I'm so glad you're here.

How's it going? I'm good.

How are you?

I'm great.

You look so pretty and tan and.

Healthy, and I've been raging the California life for about a week now.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

Isn't it great here?

I'm obsessed.

Are you moving?

I want to.

Okay.

At some point.

Okay, good.

I'm about to turn 30, and I feel like maybe that decade will be the decade of change.

I think it should be. The 30s are good. Yeah. Okay. So Annie and I met originally when you were at Cosmo. Right? Correct. You called me for quotes or something.

Yeah. I think it's because, actually, I listened to your show. Oh, okay. And then I wanted to interview you because you were so great. And so I just called you and let me tell everybody out there, by the way, just quick little PR thing for Emily. She is the best expert ever because she's so smart and she's so real. And you just get it. A lot of experts don't get it.

You know, like, send you.

Like, they're, like, sometimes creepy. Like people. No, it's true. People who have PhDs in sex. Which, by the way, exists.

Right. I have a doctorate in human sexuality. Right. But they're more, like, technical.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're old. A lot of them are, like, in their 70s. Like these men who are so smart, but they don't exactly have their hand on the pulse.

Like. Like, we do.

Oh, yeah.

Annie does, for sure. She writes amazing stuff. You gotta check out. And you're on Twitter, you're neimdaily Daily. And this will all be on. On the website.

And on Instagram, too.

Same name on Instagram. AnnieMdaily.

Yep.

And we. And I love your stories. The New York Post has been big fee read lately. We. I've been so big some of those things. I mean, that's amazing. Congratulations.

I mean, you're a huge star in most of those stories. I know.

I love it.

I'm like, great.

Well, it's funny. Cause my intern Madison today was reading stuff and she's reading our story. She's like, and I love that. Oh, the premature escalation.

We need to talk about that.

Can we talk about that? And she was like, that was so great. That was so great. I'm like, that was my quote. But we.

Yeah, it was totally your quote.

Right? Well, it was an article about do we. Do we connect too much? Okay. Because tonight's show, as I said earlier, is we're going to be talking all about how is online dating? How is just everything, the Internet, social media, how is it affecting your relationship, your ability to date? People are cheating more. They're. They're breaking up, they're spying, they're snooping. I mean, it's also bringing people together. There's lots of good things, but it's completely changing the way we live and function in this world. And we just have some interesting stats and tips about dating. But first, this article was about how. It's an interesting point about how we, before we date, if we meet someone online. I think was the article about. Tell me. It was about, like, do we talk too much ahead of time? Do we get to like. Yeah.

It was basically about when you meet someone online, right? And then you exchange info. And what happens is you start texting and emailing before you even meet the person. And that's what the article was about. Because you can go on these huge long texting spurts without even ever having met them, Right? And it's bizarre because it's like basically the entire context of a first date happens over text, right? And the reason I got the idea for this article is that that happened to me. This guy that I met on OkCupid. He seemed cute and normal. And then he started texting me these questions, like, first date questions. Like, so what's your relationship with your siblings? You know? And he's like, going on any vacations lately? And I'm like, this is just so super weird. I don't even know if you're cool.

Exactly. Like, why am I gonna waste my. Were you answering him?

Well, so eventually I was actually pretty blunt and I said Listen, I think you're cool and your pictures look pretty cool, but I think that you should save the first date questions for the first date.

Good for you.

I actually said that.

That's good. And then did you like him on the date?

Originally, yes. But then he turned out to be super lame, and he actually ghosted me.

What does that mean?

Ooh, do I get to introduce a term right now?

Yeah.

Oh, this is huge.

What?

Okay, so ghosting is when a guy just all of a sudden never contacts.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Disappears. Yes.

But it's ghosting.

It's ghosting.

Yeah.

I didn't know it was called that. It is a Cosmo term.

Right?

How do I not know that? He just disappeared? But the premise of the article was, like. We were like, why? When you meet someone online and you make a connection, you make plans for a date. Save it for the date. You shouldn't have too many textings back and forth. And I said to her during the interview, I'm like, it's like we're all prematurely escalating. It's like a premature escalation of the date before it even happens.

Right. And then I think you also compared it to a microwave. It's like when you put a potato in the microwave, and all of a sudden it boils in 30 seconds, and then it just pops. And that's what happens when you text too much before you meet the person. It's just like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Everything happens quickly. And then it. You know, it ends just as quickly as it began. Boom.

And then we create the problem with it, too. And this is my advice for people dating online is that you. You create this whole thing in your mind. Like, he's a really funny texter. He's. He's really interested. She. It's great. We have such a connection. And then you walk in within two seconds, you're like. Or whatever. Or maybe after a bit, you're like, I'm not that into him, but I spent all this energy getting to know. You might as well just wait till the date. And I don't think you should become Facebook friends beforehand. Like, don't follow on Instagram. Although some guys have asked me to become Facebook friends ahead of time, and I really.

Yeah, yeah, no, you should not do that.

No, don't escalate it before you meet them.

Because you know what else sometimes happens is they become so boring when you actually meet them that you wish you were texting with them. You wish I do that sometimes. It's like, When I meet someone, I love their texting style and I don't really like their IRL style. So it's like I just kind of want them to go away so I can text with them.

Except the one.

It's horrible.

I was in a relationship for two years like that. And like, he was an amazing texter and we were together and he was like, reading books the whole time. So boring. And I'm like, let's go. Like, I'm going next room and just text me something funny. And then there was like a stat. We have all these great stats online. And it said something like, about how men are. I'll get to it in a second. But like, some percentage of men say that social media obviously is making them. Oh, 80% of women. This was from ABC News. Oh. It says that social media leads to faster sex. Men and women say communicating via social networking, instant messaging, texting leads them to the bedroom faster. So not necessarily before the date, but just even if it's after the first date. 80% of women say relationships lead to sex more quickly because it's so easy stay to stay connected. 58% of the men surveyed said flirting over Facebook texts and Gchat helps them get women into the sack sooner. So it's all about the words. Because, brain, we love a clever guy.

Oh, yeah. It's not even about the words, though. It's about the likes and the pokes and everything. Yeah, no, pokes are kind of old school. I can't believe I just said that.

No, I get it.

What I really mean is the likes.

Of poke me, though. I'm like, really? How did you find the poke button? It's gone.

Pokes.

You met random people.

Okay.

Yeah. It is all about the likes and it's all of that. We want affirmation. We want to feel good. What does this mean?

And it's. I would also say it's a little bit lazy on the dude's part, just because it's like they want you to know that they're thinking about you, but they don't want to go to too much effort to let you know that. And so it's just this little thing where it's like they want to keep you in their back pocket, just kind of keep you on one of their many burners because. And just like throw you a little, like. And you get excited for a brief moment in time and you're like, oh, maybe that means something.

Right. And then we analyze. What did the like mean? Because it's a photo of me. Whatever did he meet, like, do you think he really meant to like me? It's like we analyze everything. It's like, like. And I also think, like, texting was invented, I used to say, for guys, but it's for men and women, too, because think about, like, the booty call. Before texting, it was like, you'd call one person, you'd wait, but now the guy can. Or a woman. I've done it. You can text five people, like, whoever shows up first or who is playing tonight. And you just keep, like, texting and going. And we're all connected in a way that. I mean. But do you think it's healthy, unhealthy?

I think that, as with most. Most things, it goes both ways. And it's like, I think that it's healthy if you use it. Right? And the whole thing for me is that you have to accept it and not resist it, because I think it's when you try to resist it so much that it becomes unhealthy, because then it backfires. And if you just kind of accept it as something that is just part of life, and you treat an Instagram like, as something that does matter to your relationship instead of just dismissing it as like, oh, that's social media. It doesn't matter.

Right.

Because a lot of people are like.

No, it does matter. Like, it's everything. It is really. It's how I run my business and connect with friends. It does matter.

And so, yeah, I think that it's really important to realize that.

Yeah, I guess it does matter. So we also talked about. I mean, it matters, but it's also like. I know. And so what about this? Okay, so there's all these studies I have here, but what. Tell me about your. We'll go into this in a minute, but your most recent article that just came out in Elle Online.

Yeah.

And Generation Validation. Yeah, I love it. So tell me about your article.

Okay, so this article, it was actually inspired by a friend of mine who said that she. One time she got dressed for a wedding and she went out the door and she thought that she looked so good. She had gotten a blowout, had on really nice makeup, like, loved her dress. She gets to the wedding and she didn't get a compliment right away, and she just kind of, all of a sudden, she just assumed that her outfit was terrible because somebody hadn't told her that it was awesome.

Right.

Even though she thought that it was awesome on her way out the door. So I started thinking about that, and I was like, you know what? There's something to be said for that. I think that our generation, everything that's happening on social media and online, it's seeping into our real lives. And we're so used to getting all these likes online, right? Especially the key thing is that a lot of the likes that we get, they don't really matter, right? It's like you can post a picture of a cupcake. And I said this in the article. It's like people will post a picture of a cupcake. It's terribly photographed. It's bad lighting. The frosting is, like, all, like, melty and gross. It's in no way a good photograph, let alone a cool, creative thing to post. And it'll get 100 likes. So what does that mean? You know, it's like, I think.

Does it mean they like the person? So they're like, oh, I'm just.

Yeah, it's like an obligatory. Like, it's stupid.

It is stupid.

And so what the experts say is that that then dilutes the value of the like, which basically means that when the. The value of the like is diluted, it means that everybody then expects them for everything. And so then when you are translating that to real life, it's like you're not just waiting around for something to actually matter, to get liked. You expect everything that you do to be liked, right?

I do.

So, yeah.

I like post a picture on Facebook. I'm like, God, I thought I'd get a lot more likes on that. I'm like, should I take it down?

I know, but I get 100.

I got 10. It was probably lame. Maybe I look ugly, you know?

But here's the trick. Do you want to hear a trick?

Yes.

Okay. And this is actually call my friends.

And tell them to like it so I feel better.

No, no, no, no, no. It comes from within. This is about to sound pretty heady.

No, I like it.

Yeah. So it's like, basically, if you post a picture and then you picture yourself in five minutes going back to check to see how many people liked it, then.

If you ask yourself if you need to do that to feel good, if you don't need to do that, if you can, like, picture posting the picture and not looking back at it for about an hour or two and not caring, then I'm healthy. You should post it, and then you're healthy. And if you picture yourself needing to go back to see how many people liked it right away, then it's unhealthy and you're seeking validation from other people rather than from yourself.

Which most people do anyway. Yeah, so. So it's interesting because I was. I was texting with a guy friend last night who just broke up with this girl who I told him was cheating on him. I could just tell. He's like, well, she's got an ex boyfriend and they're working together in the same town right now. But she says, you know, that they're just friends and whatever. She'll tell me ahead of time if they sleep together. And I'm like, they're sleeping together. Okay. I'm telling you, she's sleeping with him because she was kind of seeing both of them.

Yeah.

Sure enough, I get this like desperate call from him last night. He's like, you know, she told me she. You were so right. She's sleeping with him. Like she's out of town for like six weeks doing stuff for work. I said, yeah, I told you that. He said, well, why? Well, this is all through text. We talked and then we texted. He says, well, why? Why? How could someone do that? Why do women need to. I'm like, well, everyone does it. I said, we? He said, is it because she needs validation? I said, actually, and this is even besides social media, I think so many of us, you know, women and men who are challenged with low self esteem and we keep looking for other people. Maybe she's sleeping around or wants all the attention. She's also like, in the entertainment industry, whatever. But we, when we constantly are trying to get affirmation from the outside, it just means that we're trying to fill ourselves up. But we're like. It's like an empty hole. Because until we love ourselves. No, a million. I could get 5 million likes on something, but it'll still, still make me feel. It won't fill me up. It's not real. It's not until you love yourself. And I was saying.

Exactly.

Clearly has some insecurities and because of other things. He told me. And, and people do it for a lot of reasons. But yeah, she's probably with this guy. He's tell her she's beautiful, she feels good, and she likes the attention from men. And you know, who doesn't? But in what time, what point do you, like, stop? And you're like, I love myself. It doesn't matter. Because kind of what we're saying is like, it shouldn't matter what other people think.

Right.

But this whole social media thing is all about, like, I care if I get retweets and stuff because it helps, of course, get more followers and more whatever like it matters, but then it just seems so. I mean, this wasn't existing, we weren't having this conversation, and now it's the world.

I mean, I think that the big thing that we all have to do is you just have to stop and pause a little bit more. And that's. I think that that's the big piece of advice is that it's. Everything is happening faster, everything is happening more quickly. So it's really easy to just go, go, go, go, go. And just not stop and think about what you actually think.

Right.

And so if you do that just a little bit more frequently, and that sounds so therapisty, which is.

No, I get it.

But I want to put the phone away, stop and check in with yourself, which again, I kind of sound like one of those creepy 70 year old men.

No, but it's true.

So true.

You got to stop. You got to turn your phone.

You really have to.

Yeah. How about like on dates and stuff? So what about all this? Like everybody on dates who, who are who using their phones or in relate. Let's not even say dates, because dates I think most people know. At least on the first date, I just go to the bathroom if I don't want to check the phone. Oh, yeah, no, we put it away. I hope so.

Wait, side note to that real quick. I one time got a compliment on a date for not bringing my bathroom or not bringing my phone to the bathroom. Because he was like, you're the first girl who hasn't brought her phone to the bathroom. And I know what you guys are doing.

They know.

They know.

Oh, my God. Or they run to the bathroom and I'm checking. I'm like, I hope they come back.

Oh, yeah, no, they know because I was complimented on the fact that I left it on the table.

That is hilarious.

Oh, yeah.

Did you consciously leave it on the table?

I did, actually, because I could see him. He was like watching me. And I was about to grab it because of course I wanted to check Instagram.

It's like, oh, and I did it.

Oh, I know. And I didn't.

And you got affirmed. You got complimented. It's true.

So, ladies, don't bring your phone to the pod.

I just did it on a date the other night, but I didn't really like the guy. But still, I can't help.

You knew what you were doing on the tour. I know, I know.

I literally was texting my best friend from the bathroom because I'm going, I'm going to see her, I'm going to Chicago. Tomorrow. And I had to text her something about my flight. I'm like, I'm in the bathroom on a blind date texting me right now. She's like, oh, my God, you're hilarious.

I bet that you've responded to some of my interview emails in the bathroom.

I probably am like, annie, I gotta go. But here's the thing. Here's what we're talking about. I think there's another thing here. God, we have so many things about how.

So when our. It says, like, this is from, like, time magnitude, I think. When does our obsession with our phones, our apps, and our social media presence become like a fungal rot on our real life social presence? Which is kind of like what you're talking about. Like, is it? And is it. Are you. You know, there's other stats that say, like, the percentage of people who've checked their phone during sex. Or it just.

Yeah, that's. That's a pretty high number as I recall.

I've done that.

Yeah.

I mean, not during oral sex. No, Like, I think he was performing oral sex on me. No, it was funny because I was like, wait, if it's Lauren, I gotta check because if my assistant. I'm like, Cause we gotta get this newsletter out. I'm just looking for the last. I just. I just gotta check real quick. I did.

Where did that relationship go? Let me just turn the tables on your.

We still sometimes see each other. He gets me, but I don't. But I don't wanna be that. But I read that. I'm like, who does that in bed? I'm like, does oral sex count? Okay, I did it during oral sex. Cause my phone was right next to me and I was trying to get a newsletter anyway. It's stupid, but.

Yeah, well. And you have good vision in that point. So you know I've got good vision, right?

I'm really clear. I'm gonna proof it now. Do you mind if I prove this? But that. That get couples too at night. You know, it's taking away the intimacy in the bedroom. Couples are on their phones. Like, I know that I'm like, reading things on my phone at night and I'm. I know. It's like, studies say also, like, it's not good for you for your. Your brainwaves to be reading to looking at your phone before you go to bed and you should, like, read a book or meditate.

Oh, yeah, it has the blue light. It makes you not sleep if you look at it for an hour before you go to bed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I do But I like sleep with it on my pillow. Yeah, well, it's charging. Do you.

The other one under my pillow?

Yeah, under my.

Are weird.

Yeah.

I think we have a lot of similarities.

Well, it's embarrassing because my charger goes like, right. And then I put it under my pillow so it won't fall off the bed. But I literally have easy access. Yeah. And then I cuddle it. You know, it's like, no, I don't cuddle my phone, but I could, you know. And I'm always looking for it. Cause I'm always like, you know, it's just we're so attached. And I do think that it's affecting our relationship. So I think that it's also a rise of narcissism.

Yes.

And it's a rise of like, you know, you think about it like when you're on FaceTime, it's like, are you looking at yourself? Are you looking at the person? Everything that we do is trying to get these like affirmations and stuff.

Oh, I know.

We already know that narcissism didn't exist.

Before, but it is definitely magnified now. And I think that my whole thinking about that is that you really just need to find someone who's compatible with your social media style. As stupid as that sounds.

Exactly.

But it's like there are some guys who are just completely not on it at all. And there are others who are. And if you are self aware enough to know that you are one of those people who's always on it, then it makes sense to partner yourself with someone who is too. Because then you'll get each other more.

But maybe. Right. But what if you're with someone? Like, I know a guy I was dating when I first moved to la. He, it drove him crazy. He's like, don't look. And that bothered me that he was monitoring me. Like, don't, don't check it. But in a way it's healthier not to. Like I was hanging out with him, watching movie. Like, what did it matter on Saturday night while my phone was like, why did, why couldn't I turn it off? But I also like Div daddy guys. He's like, I get it, baby, check your phone. It's cool. Like do it, you know, but it's, it's. I do think that a lot of relationships have been ruined and affected by, by social media and by certain people's like addiction to their phone and, and being more into their phone or their laptop than they are to their partner. Like my friends, as her boyfriend They're a long distance relationship. And now of course, like six months in or seven months in, she's like, yeah. And then he's on the iPad all weekend and it's like it's in the bedroom or it's so. I don't know, I guess before that maybe we were watching tv, but it's just become more and more. You're just connected with everyone and I don't know how healthy it is.

Yeah, I don't know.

It really.

I go back and forth on the issue. I really, really do. And I think so much of it depends on who you're dating at the time. It really does. Because, you know, if you're with someone who understands and who gets it and won't be monitoring you, then it's fine because you both know your limits.

And that really gets back to just accepting social media as a part of life.

Right.

Which is what I really have just come to conclude with all of this stuff is that you can't ignore it. And it's like, it's a. It's real, it's here, and it's not going anywhere. It's an extension. People used to say that it was like you're a different self. It's kind of the same self, you know, and that, and that's what you really need to focus on.

That it's, it's, it's. How is it the same self though? Because what if you're projecting a certain. You want to project something that isn't really. Is it really the same you or you like only posting you in certain lights? You're not like when you're crying on your bed and depressed.

Oh, I know.

It's like when you're out with your girlfriends having a good time. But like, like people always make. You're always out. I'm like, I never go out. I'm like, cause you see me on Instagram or. You know, that's another weird thing that when you talk to people, they're like, God, it seems like your work is taking off or you're so busy. And I'm like, I've been home the last three nights. Work, you know, but the social media, if they see three of my pictures a week or whatever looks like that I'm. You know, people just make these assumptions about you. Oh, and I am out. But I'm also home a lot doing other things and in my pajama, my Uggs just hang out.

Oh, yeah.

You know, so I know it's true.

I think that we just need to Rely on the smartness of people to understand that that's the case. And I think there has been enough. There have been enough articles about that recently. And people understand that it will be weird for me to post a picture me and my Uggs with like no makeup on and my retainers in, you know.

Right, exactly.

Which by the way, I totally still wear them.

Do you wear them when you're out.

The guy in seventh grade? No. No.

Do you still wear it in seventh grade?

From seventh grade. And I'm now 29. Yeah.

And you didn't lose it?

I have not lost it. I get it adjusted sometimes. Yeah.

Teeth are very nice.

Thank you.

You know why that's so funny? Because I lost mine like a week after I raced.

Is my. Oh, my God, my phone's.

Whoa. What just happened?

I don't know. I opened.

Something is happening.

Oh, I hate when that happens. So. And then the whole Facebook thing. So here's an article about faith. That's what I was opening. It says that. Okay, so we said that it leads them to the bedroom faster. And then 10 years ago, people would have to go on several dates to connect and share the same amount of information. So social media and texting are cutting out the middleman, allowing daters to flirt. And it's this easy access. Easy access. Hurting us. Helping or hurting us. And 51% people said that this is for an ABC poll between iPads and cell phones in the bedroom. Couples time isn't as intimate as it used to be and that people are, you know, using it during sex. I can't believe I just admitted that it wasn't actual sex. It was oral sex.

Yeah. That is a distinction with a difference, as they say.

Exactly, exactly.

Yeah. I don't know. I actually, I think that it's different when you're dating versus when you're in a relationship, honestly. Because I think that when you're dating, it really does help you get to know a person, especially Instagram. I'm a big Instagram into your life person.

Right.

Because it just. It really is a window into who you are, especially because people use it frequently and you. You can't really put on that much of a front when you're on it all the time and you're kind of documenting your day to day life, you.

Know, but so tell me about, like, do you. So, because I don't really. Like, do you have a strategy with her? Like do post certain things? I hope I follow you. It'll follow you. I want to follow you.

I think you do I follow you.

Okay, good. Oh, no, I'm gonna follow you because everyone's saying that Instagram is. That I'm sex with Emily on Instagram. She's Annie M. Daily. But.

Mm.

But what do you mean? Like. Well, how do you think Instagram more so than Twitter, or. Why do you think that's?

Well, because I think that, first of all, we are all visual creatures, and it's. Our eye is just drawn to images more than words, I think.

Right.

At a fundamental level, especially with our just, you know, our low attention span, it's just the picture grabs you. So I think that's what the. The main advantage that it has over Twitter. And also it's, you know, it gives you. I like to think of Instagram posts as a little mini magazine, Every single post, because it gives you a chance to show people how you see the world. And then you get the chance to caption it, and you tell them your thoughts about it. And it's like a direct insight into your brain. And it's just. It's more so I feel like it's.

So random, like, oh, that's funny. But I'm not thinking about it. But I guess it is.

It's because you think it's funny, right? There's actually. So there's an app. It's new. It's called Glimpse. Did I. I think I interviewed you for this story.

Yeah, I remember this.

Okay, so it's basically, it's a combination of Instagram and Tinder, and they say that it's really, really rising, and it's about to, you know, be up there with Tinder. And what it does is it allows you to pick nine of your favorite Instagram pictures that you think represent who you are, and that's what people look at, and that's how people judge you is by your Instagram photos.

And that's a dating app.

It's a dating app. And so then if you like somebody's pictures, then you start talking to them, and you're like, yo, I love that sunset picture that you took. I also like to take sunset pictures.

Right. And that's how you start the conversation. And I've been hearing that more and more from people who said, oh, I met this guy. I didn't get his phone number. I didn't get anything, but I got his Instagram account. So now I've been liking his photos and he's liking mine. And it's so interesting that. How it connects people like that. You're right.

Absolutely. Because it's like, it's the gradual and the post. I actually called it Insta Love. And that's what it is.

And this was, which. This was a story.

It was called. If you just type in Annie Daly, New York Post, Insta Love, it will probably pop up.

No, I have it right here.

Yeah.

So much here about your stuff. So, yeah, Insta Love.

Article. Finding love on Instagram versus Tinder. Is that the one?

Yeah.

Okay, so we need to talk about Tinder too.

Oh, yeah, Instagram. Yes, we do.

What were you just saying before I just cut you off?

I was just saying overall that I really. That Instagram it. To me, that's the thing that makes dating the easiest. So are you on Glimpse? I'm on Glimpse, yeah. I'm on all of them. I'm on Glimpse, I'm on Tinder, I'm on OkCupid. I'm on Whatever, you know.

Okay, we gotta get into all the Tinder because there's so many like. But there's so many theories now. Like, I was talking to one the other day at a meeting. Of course it was about like a professional meeting. And then like after the meeting, she's like, okay, so I'm on Tinder. When everyone has their question, she's like, I heard the first photo supposed to be this and the. The one that catches them. And the second one has to be your playfulness. I'm like, really? Like, there's all these strategies, but we're going to get to that in a minute. First, I'm going to talk about. Give it a little word shout out to our sponsors here. I want to thank everyone for listening to the show and for supporting my sponsors who help keep this show free. Free. So I gotta talk about Good Vibrations. Annie, do you like sex toys?

Somewhat.

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I actually have that from Cosmo.

You do?

Yeah. I did a vibrator story one time and I just got like tons of vibrators just sent to me under my desk.

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I am, actually. Real quick. I have. I love it.

The travel Tinder.

Okay. Yeah.

That's all about that.

Oh, man. I have two huge Tinder stories to tell. The first one is that I have been in California for the past week. I'm visiting my grandparents in Laguna Beach.

So you gotta get out of the house. Anyway. Just kidding.

So. Well, yeah. So they're 87 years old and I was. They brought me to a happy hour with them and it was all of.

Their, like two in the afternoon?

No, it was at five o' clock actually. And they were, you know, taking back some glasses of wine. Let me tell you, I love it. And so I decided to introduce all of them to Tinder.

Oh my God, I want to film that. That's amazing.

It was so funny. So they were all. So I had a bunch of, you know, like 80 year old people just surrounding me and we were going through all the dudes on Tinder who were within a five block radius and they made me message some of them. It was so funn. I wrote to one of them, hey, my grandpa thinks you're cute.

Did it work?

Yeah, he wrote back, he was like, hey, what's up? How's it going?

Do you message them first when you match?

Sometimes, yeah, I do all the time. That's the thing. I mean they message me but I have no problem messaging them first.

That's good. That's bold. Okay.

It is bold. Yeah, it's.

Why wait?

I don't really think about it to be honest. That's like my whole thing with Tinder and this is with all of my friends and all of the stories that I've written about it. What the ultimate conclusion is just from, you know, crowd talking to the crowd, is that people do it randomly and don't really put that much thought into it. And a lot of people think that people are thinking about it more than they are.

You mean as far as their profile or as far as just swiping and picking?

Just swiping. It's like people do it when they're on the couch watching tv. It's just like this absent minded way to kill time and no one's really doing it seriously at all. Or when they're drinking and it's kind of like when you're waiting in line at Trader Joe's or something and you just like you're, you know, you're done looking through Instagram, you've seen all the pictures and you're like, what's next?

Yeah, right. I do a loop. Facebook, Instagram. Right?

Yeah, totally. Just do a little swipe.

Right.

And what happens to me sometimes is I'll like get into it for, you know, I'll like go on a Tinder binge for a little bit.

It is a bit. And then you feel dirty sometimes.

Yeah. And I'll just message a ton of guys, wake up in the morning and I have all these responses and I'm like, eh, over it.

Right, right. That's what I did.

I got so I don't even Write back.

Right, Exactly. You're like, that was my moment last night.

Oh, totally.

Yeah. And then do they ever go, hey, they message you again?

Yeah, yeah. And they'll be like, one time, this guy, I went on a Tinder binge, and I messaged him, and I was like, hey, you're cute. So of course he writes back. And by the time he wrote back, I wasn't even interested.

Right.

And so then he keeps messaging me, and he's like, just so you know, there's a guy on Tinder who would love to take you out for a drink. And I'm like, all right, well, now you've reached your status.

Did you delete him? Right. Did you just block, Block? I know. I had a guy who. Who was posting. I think we matched. And then he messaged me, and then he messaged me again week later. A week later. And then he said, here's a graph of our relationship. And he was like, he did a thing, and it was like. Like a nosedive. He's like, here. It was here. And then we've gone. And I'm like, our relationship. Cause he's been text. He like, probably messaged me six times, and I just never answered. He's like, Like a downward spiral.

Seriously premature. Escalated.

He prematurely escalated. I'm like, our relationship, I didn't get back to you. But he was kind of be funny.

But yeah. So how did you respond to that, though?

I didn't respond. I didn't respond to any of his messages. We just matched. And then he said, hey, like, your photo. And then I didn't answer. And then like, a week later, hello. And then like, a week later, like, so I guess this might not work out. Like, it was like one of those swingers, you know, you should have just.

Written back, like, let's just talk about the fact that you made a graph for someone who you've never met. Like, just let that marinate for a second.

Exactly.

Like, could you just.

Right. There's something probably more productive you could be doing with your time, for sure. So Tinder, a recent. So there was a study also that said that.

21% of taken respondents or people in relationships admitted to using dating apps or websites behind their partner's back. 43% were on Plenty of Fish, 37% on Tinder, and 29% on Match. Like, Match is full on. Like, you're paying. That's weird.

You're paying for. For Match. I've heard of people who do. And OkCupid, too. I've heard of people who Are, you know, they have boyfriends and girlfriends that go on. I mean I think to me the first thing that comes to my mind is you're just in it for the cheap thrill, right? And it's. You want that like little blip of validation. You want to know that you've still got it even though you're in a relationship.

This is what happens in relationships, I think with a lot of people have been in long term relationships. Like women are like, I don't feel sexy, I want to feel desired. In men too who don't feel appreciated and loved by their wife, they're like, I'll find someone out there. And then I think that's how people have affairs. Like here I've been in this relationship, this, my, my partner doesn't tell me I'm beautiful anymore, make me feel good. But here's someone who thinks I'm so great and that's going to make me feel good. And again, it goes back to all goes back to self esteem.

Oh, it totally does.

Because these people are. It's like affirmation nuggets is what my ex boyfriend, one of them used to call it because I used to say to him, like, tell me something good. Like we'd be emailing, this was before, like we were texting, we would just email and he's like, you need a little affirmation nugget, Emily.

Yeah.

You're really hot. I'm like, great, I feel better, thanks. I'm gonna go back to writing or whatever, you know.

Absolutely.

And you also do get dopamine rush every time you get a text or a letter.

Yeah. Oh, that's a proven fact.

Right? And I see it.

Yeah.

That's why we're all addicted. Like it's a true odd addiction.

Oh, it definitely is. Yeah. 100% because, because it's so instantly accessible, then your body becomes used to getting that and so it becomes harder to get it from within when you can so easily get it from.

Right from everyone else. I mean I can't not check it. I almost feel like I want to do like a detox of my phone. Like I do these 10 day silent retreats, these meditation retreats which I actually want to do.

What do you think about those?

I've done it. Yeah, it works. I mean works. I mean it's, it's like anything. It's like I haven't done one in like eight years. But for me meditation has been like the. Even though I am not as good at keeping up with the daily practice, I can like do these 10 day things where you have no phone, no reading, no writing, no you fight. It's called vipassana. I mean there's different ones but I, I did the first one in Thailand like 15 years ago. But I would just. Yeah, you meditate from 4:00am to 10:00 clock at night. You can't. And you just sit and you're, you meditate and it's just, it's so clean. I mean it's hard, it's the hardest thing in the world because you can't, yeah. Can't do anything else. But you really just learn to recognize your mind and learn how to calm it because so many of us let our minds, we're so impulsive, especially with our phones, everything. And we let our minds control us rather than learning how to control our minds and our thoughts. We're so much more reactive than proactive and.

Exactly.

And then your mind, but you're sitting there, I mean I was there for 10 days. It wasn't until like the eighth day that I finally felt that I was actually able to for five minutes straight not have a thought and just focus my breath. So for me it was a really good experience. But like I can go off the grid for 11 days. Like literally off the grid. Like people can go on vacation now and they've got their phones.

Yeah. Well I think that when you go off the grid for that long, then when you come back, obviously you won't be able to keep that up. But if it does work for some sort of jump start, that's what it is, that's what those retreats are like. If you were to do a digital detox, that's. Isn't that what they're called? Digital detox? They're so, you know, you read about them. I've never done them myself but it would be a jumpstart. And so it's like it gets you really conscious and focused on how addicted you are. So then you can come back and maybe manage yourself in more of a normal way.

And that's the hard part is integrating into daily life. You can do anything if you're on a monastery somewhere. And right.

And see that's like the danger with them though is that people think that like you come back and it will just magically transform you into the perfect balance. It won't. I think that the only thing it does is it just makes you conscious.

Makes you conscious of it.

So then you have to really come back and learn how to do that on your day to day.

Exactly. And that's the part that, I mean, I still try, like even if it's five or 10 minutes, but it's very, it's very hard. But I know that it's the. For me and for a lot of people, I think all the stress and all the anxiety in the world, people truly learned to meditate, to get into their mind, to get out of their mind and just to learn to focus and relax that they would just be. There'd be so much less anxiety, so much less stress in the world. Because I think that we're constantly like the add. Like I literally have add. I mean, I, I really truly do. But then it. With the phone, like we, we all have it, right? Because.

Yeah.

Area. So how do you have a linear thought, like when you're writing? So you do a lot of great writing. I love all your, all your stories. I love your.

I love your, your full validation. Here we go.

Oh, no, no. I mean, I really like your voice. And so my, my assistant. They really know yourself today too. Like, I really do. I think you have a great voice. And, and I. But like, how do you write? How do you sit and do it with like. Do you turn off your phone ever? Do you.

I, I'm the opposite. I actually use my phone. I use those little pick me ups to keep me going.

Okay.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend that for better or for worse. It's just what I do. And I think that everybody just finds their own way. But yeah, I mean, I check Instagram. Like when I'm writing, I check Instagram so much, it's like unhealthy.

Aren't you glad that no one can see how often you're checking your stuff?

Yeah.

There's no way to say she was just on two minutes ago like it does on Tinder, right?

Yeah. Oh, good thing.

So wait, so tell me about. Did you go on any dates this week on Tinder and then.

No. Well, that's the funny thing is that I have gone on a couple binges with my grandparents because now we keep going out to dinner and every time it's like whenever somebody new comes, they're like, let's talk about Andy Tinder.

They've never seen anything like it.

Oh, yeah. So in the middle of the night I keep getting all these random messages. So funny. But. So, no, I haven't gone on any dates. But I will say that another time that I, Tinder traveled, that's what I call it, is that I lived in Costa Rica for the month of April. I think I told you that yes. Yes.

Can you Tinder in Costa Rica?

Oh, can you Tinder in Costa Rica?

Tell me.

Yes. So basically, I used it in Costa Rica to meet all of the locals. And the funny thing is that there I was staying in Tamarindo, which is a surf town. And when you go abroad, it's like, everyone's on Tinder. But it's kind of different when you're abroad than when you're here, because here people use it as more of a hookup dating app. There. It's actually a really good way to just meet friends.

Right.

When you're traveling. And it's like, I went on all these Tinder dates and nothing happened with any of the guys except for that I really became good friends with them because they just wanted to be friends with American girls. So it's weird to me.

And what you felt they weren't creepy?

Yeah. It's like one of them, you know, they were all like local Costa Rican guys with dreads. So hot. Like surfer boys. Six packs. Oh, yeah. The whole thing. Oh, yeah.

So fun. And then there's no, you know, that there's not a. Even if something did happen, you're on vacation. Yeah, it didn't. But you're also making friends and connecting. That makes sense.

Exactly. And it's like, obviously I probably could have made a move, but it's interesting to know that when you use Tinder abroad that it does kind of take on a different form.

Yeah.

So I highly recommend.

So any other Tinder tips or stories? Like, what do you think about the. The pictures and the, the. Or have you heard all these theories about, like, the first picture has to be this and the second picture.

And I have. I. I think that it's more about what you say first. Like, just don't say, hey, what's up?

Right.

You know, you have to talk about the first message.

And this is all this is for. Even online match anything Facebook. What do you recommend the first message to say?

I think that you need to look into their pictures and see if they offer more than that one picture. If you think that that initial headshot is cute, look into their other ones because they'll have like two or three others and say something specific. Or like, where were you in this picture? That looks cool. Like, oh, I recognize that background. Was this so and so beach? Just some sort of question that shows that you actually are talking to them specifically as opposed to just like a copy paste thing that you're doing to like 20 girls.

Is that what guys do?

Oh, yeah. It's like, you get these messages. I mean, I know that he has sent this to every single girl in OkCupid.

Like, what? Like, what'd you get? Give me example. Like, you could just tell guys, we know your. We know your day. We know your jam. Okay.

Like, you know, like, you're. You have such beautiful eyes and such a nice smile. I'd love to get to know you. It's like, that's so vague.

Right? Exactly. I always tell guys to be specific. Don't just say, she's nice eyes. Like, I always say, like. Like, I have this dark circle around my. Like this brown. I'm like, Like, I love when guys are like, God, your eyes are so cool. You have the coolest ring. Like, notice something specific, like, around your eyes, and it just makes me melt. I'm like, oh, you're noticing me. You know, you notice something. It's not. Just. Just like, you know, yeah, you look pretty or whatever.

So it's also less overwhelming, too, for the girl to be the recipient of the compliment when it's a really specific thing.

Right?

Because then it's like, it shows that they care, but it's not like, oh, you're beautiful and you're the answer to my everything.

Exactly. You are my everything. I know.

It's like, you have nice dark hair. I'm like, exactly.

I know. Right? Right. You're like, what, What? So. So dating. So have you dated online and other sites or anything or.

I have. I do. OkCupid. And that.

Any other tips for that or that you've written about or, like, the trends with online dating?

I think that. With that. Let's see. I think it really does come down to the message. And don't make it too long. It's like, usually they say that about a paragraph is the best. And just really be specific and look for something that actually makes that person unique as opposed to something that just applies to everyone.

Right?

So pick something out. Ask a question. Say like, hey, I. You know, I like that picture of you at a Radiohead concert. I like Radiohead too. Or just pick something out of their profile that they say that they like and just talk about that.

Right?

Because obviously everybody knows what you're on there for. It's like, let's just back up for a second and remember that you're on an online dating site to go on dates.

Right.

And get to the date first. And don't like message back and forth.

Right. Don't do. That's what we're. We started with the premature escalation. Don't do it too many times beforehand. Like, if you make a date in two weeks, like, you. Maybe you can text to confirm. Oh, we talked about this, too, for the article. But your New York Post piece, like, we could text to confirm maybe. And text once or twice, but not exactly. Like, so where'd you. Where'd you grow up?

Right. It's stupid. And don't try to be smooth or anything on it. It's like, remember the fact that you're on an online dating site. So are they. Why did you sign up for it to go on dates? So just go on them.

Are you looking for a relationship? Exactly. Just go on the freaking day. I mean so much. The thing is, I love dating, and so I haven't online dated yet. Really? But, I mean, I did do a few tips. I actually had a live Tinder date in the studio. Did I tell you that?

You did tell me that. That's amazing.

So it was fun. And, Anderson, I was just listening to it. The live Tinder date. Because I'm listening. I had. I never listened to my shows, but I listened to that show because I'm. I have to pick out a few podcasts for something, and it's pretty damn funny.

I think he liked. I think that he and I hit it off more than you and. He hit it off.

Yeah. And then right after I listened to it, I. He messaged me on Facebook this morning.

Ooh, that's a sign. You guys gotta have babies.

I thought that.

No, we're not gonna have to Facebook message as opposed to text. That's an interesting.

Because we're friends on Facebook. Okay, but that's why. But we're not, like, really texting friends because I. I wasn't into him. I didn't want to kiss him.

Okay.

So that happens.

This is public. People can hear this.

What? He's not listening. What? No, no. I mean, we just never texted after date 6.

I like that dude.

I know. You really like.

He would definitely. Anderson, just to play devil's advocate, he would know that she didn't want to kiss him. Because she didn't.

Because she didn't.

Yeah.

Until he sent a link to it.

He was talking about how he liked the dark circle in your eye, and he was going on and on.

No, he didn't.

All right, let's just, like. Let's just be real here. You can tell when people like each other.

It's not that I feel like. I know, but I have this habit that I don't want to say it's a habit but what I do is I can talk myself into. Whereas men decide in 30 seconds I'm gonna sleep with her or not. But women. Do you ever do this?

Oh, yeah, I like them.

I don't know. Give me a second third chance. And then two years ago, by. And I'm like, I'm not that used to a pattern that would last two years now. I'm pretty good after a few months. But we can. Women kind of, like, rationalize or think, well, maybe. Or a lot of women want to change a guy, you know?

Yeah. Can't do that.

No one's gonna change unless they want to change. So you're. So you are single. Actively single. New York dating.

Actively single life.

Tell me about New York dating life.

All right. Well, I think that it's really hard. And a lot of it is that the guys are just so ambitious, and it's really hard to date them because they don't have a lot of time. And most of them put work first.

They do. Before you. But see, this is. Right. We had lunch and you said that. I said, well, maybe it's the guys that you're attracted to because not.

It's true.

You're attracted to the guys who are driven. But then you have to look at that like that. You're the common denominator. And it's not like every guy in New York. It's like that. But that's what you're attracted to. Is there a lot.

But, yeah, it's true.

More so than here when everyone's, like, in coffee shops and they're like, actors slash waiters. Right. Everyone. Like, there's no one that is working.

True, though, with you, though, Annie, because I've met, like, literally hundreds of people in here, and I think you're the first person to say so tell me exactly what it is that you do here. You know, you try and figure out what people do. Yeah.

Oh, I did.

Is that the reporter in you?

I am. She's a reporter, but I know I don't know you.

No one's ever asked me. No one's ever asked me what I do.

I don't even know what you do.

I do everything.

He works the board. No one's. I mean, you were walking around.

You were a person in the room where I was, and I wanted to get to know you.

It was nice. I liked it. I appreciated it.

Awesome. So New York is challenging for that. For the men. But I see, Right. No, but New York is more so than. Than elsewhere. I know that because people. It's A rat race. Like, you're always. You're working, trying to make money. You gotta make a lot of money to live there. And do you feel like there's that whole bigger, better deal thing going on too, or just more that people like. Like they're looking over their shoulder that there could be someone else?

Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. It's both. It's like, first, it's the ambition curse, which is what I've called it, which is that everybody wants somebody who's ambitious, but then the very quality that you're attracted to is the very one that makes you not able to hang out.

Yeah.

So there's that. And then also there's the fact that, yeah, of course everybody knows that everyone is on so many sites.

Right.

And also meeting people in real life, that's the whole thing.

Exactly.

It's like you're out at bars and you're meeting people, you're on Tinder. But the weird thing is it's all so casual and it's. It's like when you're on all of the sites and all of the apps, like, I'm on all of them. What do I have to say for it? It's like I've been sitting here for an hour. Have I told even remotely any sort of cool thing that's happened from being on all these sites?

I guess not. Maybe not. Well, have you met any relationships or anything happened?

I've had little flings here and there that have been fun, but definitely all of the people who I've really seriously dated haven't been from online. It's like, I think it's more of a supplement to a lot of people. And I know that a lot of people have found relationships on them too, which, again, it's like when you try to generalize these things, it's just all so individual. And of course, some people have met their boyfriends and girlfriends. That's good for them. But also, I think a lot of people are in my shoes, which is that it's this supplemental thing that you do sometimes you don't really have a rhyme or reason to when you do it, how you do it.

And I think. But don't think people are meeting the thing. Do you think it's a problem that people are meeting, that there's so many more opportunities now? Because, like, I can't tell you how many. We actually were going to get in some emails in a second. I wanted you to help me answer some emails from listeners.

But it's.

But it's. It is that so many people are saying like, oh, I, my boyfriend left his Facebook page open and I noticed that he'd been messaging his ex and there's all this like x, why you friend with your ex? Why did you do this or that? Like there's all this like secretive stuff going on that people are doing online where they think they can't get caught. And a lot of it is Facebook. They say Facebook is responsible for like a certain percentage of divorces and stuff like that. Because your ex, you can like, I think I'm friends with all my exes from the last, since college on my, on my site, you know, like, yeah.

It'S like it's kind of weird to defriend them. It almost shows more about you that you care so much. Exactly. And the whole defending.

Do you defriend an ex? Do you not? Like, I'm still friends with my ex, but now I'm like, he's got this cute girlfriend and like every day I see him. And my sister in law was like, huh, can you just look? And she went to my computer and she took them off my feed. I'm like, but I kind of liked it in this really like masochistic way. See, even though I didn't like him and I broke up, I was like, but I like seeing their photos. But I don't. It makes me feel good and bad. And have you read the studies lately that people who spend more time on Facebook end up feeling more depressed?

Oh yeah, there's all these. Yeah, that comes down to comparison. Because you're. Because it gets back to what we were saying. Like everybody's posting pictures of their best selves. Which you have to just really rely on everyone to understand that that's happening.

Right.

And hopefully everyone gets that. But then of course, when you're looking at somebody's best self life, then you automatically compare your life to theirs and it doesn't look as glamorous.

Exactly.

So therefore you are depressed.

They said that they get depressed the more time that they spend online. There was like all these, these stats and their relationships are worse because it's bringing up all these issues because they're checking their partner and why'd you like this girl's photo? I mean my best friend liked my ex photo on Instagram.

Why did you like the photo of him and his new girl? To my best friend, like, I wasn't really mad. It was kind of a joke because she's truly is like my sister. I'm like, really? Yeah, because I get it. We dated for two years. And you like him, but you had to like the picture with a new girlfriend, you know, like, we all know what everyone's doing too, at any time.

I know. And that gets back to. It's like, yeah, man. That, like, is real.

Yeah.

That's not just something. Because when people try to have that as an excuse, like, oh, whatever. That's just Facebook. No, it's not.

You made a decision.

Yeah, that is a conscious like. And it does matter.

It hurt me. It hurt me deeply. Okay, let's answer somebody. I love everyone, thank you for emailing me. It feels feedback at sex with me Deca. Oh, my God. We're, like flying through this. But I thought you could help me with this. With this one. It's about snooping. And again, you can email me. And also on Twitter, I wanted to mention this. It's exwithemily. And then Instagram. I'm doing a lot more Instagrams. It's ex with Emily and facebook.com sex with Emily. I get your questions however you send them. So this one is about snooping. Dear Emily, Lindsay here from Los Angeles, love your show. And following your tips has truly helped me have the best sex in my life life. I've done something that I know is wrong, but I also know many people still do it anyways. Snooping. Reading my boyfriend's emails and texts. I was hurt so bad in my last relationship that I look at this as an insurance policy. To my pleasant surprise, everything is pretty clean. However, I've discovered a couple small lies. One evening, he said he got a ride home from work with his friend Mike. Turns out was a female co worker I've never met. There's also been some flirty emails with past lovers that don't lead to anything, but he never just stops it with, hey, I've got a girlfriend. Now, I obviously can't bring up the snooping, and he hasn't broke any rules technically, but this doesn't make me feel very secure. What are your thoughts? Love, Lindsay.

Whoa.

Now, I feel like that I get these. You know, we get them in Loveline. We get on my show. People are always. People snoop and they feel bad. But I feel like every time you snoop, you're probably gonna find something. And have you ever snooped?

I actually haven't.

Which is, I know, like, you actively were, like, I could look, but I'm not going to.

Yeah, very much so. Because I know that my brain would just go to bad places.

Right.

And so I preemptively don't. But I totally. I have A lot of friends who have. And I've also written stories about it, too. So I have. Yeah.

So I would suggest. I mean, so I want to know Lindsay. I want to know for her, like, what. What led her to snoop in the first place? Because you said he's a great boyfriend and everything's great, and has he given you any reason to doubt him in the past? And then studies say 77%, and this doesn't surprise me, 76% of women would look at their partner's email if it were left open. Survey says 69% of men said they do the same thing. So it looks like. But you don't. So you're in that minority.

Right. But that's because I'm kind of weird about that, though. I think that's also true because she.

Said she feels it's true. It's a violation.

Yeah. And I think that's also. That comes from just working in Cosmo for so long and kind of having all of that, that brain. It's like you have the brain too, you know, it's like, you know where these things can go. And so I just choose to not. But I totally, totally understand everybody who does. Her situation is hard, though, because I think that that's actually like. I think that it really comes down to what you find when you snoop. Because if you find that he's cheating full on.

Right.

Then. Hello, bring it up.

Abort mission.

Abort mission. Exactly. But if it's just like little things like that, that's a really tricky situation. Especially the ride home from the female coworker who.

He's right. I wonder if Lindsay's a jealous person. So he just thought, well, I'm just gonna not tell her because I know she gets weird about other women. Like, I wonder if Lindsay, she said here she was hurt in her last relationship. Right. She said, I was hurt in the past that she looks so she. So any. I believe, like, I was never a jealous person. And I'm not. I'm actually not. I'm actually still not. But I went through a period, like in my 20s, I was dating guy, and I found out he cheated on me. At the time, it's because he kept a list of everyone that he slept with in a drawer. And I saw the list and I wasn't the last name on the list. Like, that's like, so old school. It was like rand down, but I still found it. And then after that, I started, like, doubting him and doubting people, and I let that go. I'm actually a Pretty trusting person, but. So she was hurt in her last relationship. So it's a trigger and she wanted just as an insurance policy. So I kind of get that it's really hard to build trust again in men or in women if you've been hurt. But I think that she can't let her past relationship dictate this new one.

But the problem is if she sits on it and doesn't tell him, which I guess why she.

She.

She doesn't want to because then she's a snooper. She could explode and attack him one day. Like, you hold this as an arsenal. Like, the next time he's gonna take out the trash, she'll be like, why don't you get a ride from your co worker? You know? What the hell are you talking about?

Right.

Totally, like, blow up on him. So, you know, I think that. I don't know, should she. I think she should maybe admit it, that she snooped and say what she found and she won't do it again. But they. But then people don't tell the truth either. Guys don't tell the truth. It's gonna be like, you might say, well, I thought you would get hurt.

Yeah, I don't know on that one. My gut is to not bring it up and to just keep that in her mind and maybe just let him know going forward that she's kind of trying to get over her past relationship and that she's becoming less jealous. Because if it is that. If the situation was that he was saying that to protect her, if he doesn't feel like he needs to protect her as much, like she is seeming more outwardly strong and, you know, not needing that, like, maybe it will be better, right?

Flirting with the exes. But see, I always flirt with my ex from five, 10 years ago. I don't want to sleep with them. But, yeah, we send flirty texts all the time. But I mean, flirty, like, it's just. It's fun. And if anyone picked up my phone that if I happen to be in a relationship, they might be like, why are you doing that? But it doesn't mean anything either, right? I just sort of have these relationships with men. We make jokes, and I could see them taken out of context, and I wouldn't want anyone reading my messages. So, yeah, maybe not Linda. Maybe she's gotta work on her own, her own jealousy issues. And I wouldn't. Because the problem is, too, once you start checking, sometimes you keep checking too.

Right? It's like, stop checking for sure.

It becomes an addiction.

Yeah.

And you're like, I gotta check it again. I gotta check it again. Is there anything else? Like, I know that. So I would either. Yeah. So the choice is, Lindsay, either you stop, you don't snoop again, and you look at this relationship as it is in the moment, how it's going in present day. Is he treating you well? Is he a good lover? God, we haven't even gotten to sex.

I know. What? It's already.

I know. We have one minute. Oh, my God. Yeah, we have, like, a minute.

The only thing we got to was you checking your phone during oral.

Oh, my God. That's pretty funny. I know. Damn.

Why don't we make a move for that and then call it a day with the sex talk?

Okay. Do it.

What should the. What should it be called?

He didn't even care, though. He's so nice. He's like, I get it. I get it. Babe, you got to get the newsletter out.

How about Checkmate?

Checkmate. Exactly. I literally did. I'm like, who would do that? He's not really my mate. He's my oral sex mate. He's my toy tester. Oh, God. I don't think we have time for things, Annie. You're so awesome. And we do. We have five. Okay, should we do one? Is there anything else that you on your mind that you want to talk about or should I read another email? Was there anything like you felt like wanting to get into or things you want to talk about that you're working on? Like, anything. I know. The L piece. I can't wait to read it. Yeah, she just told me about when she walked in. And the name of that is we'll have it on our site as well.

Generation Validation.

That's gonna be huge. It just got posted.

It did? Well, I think two weeks ago.

Okay.

Yeah, it made the rounds. Yeah. I really, really liked that story.

Okay, good. I want to check it out for sure. But anything else that you've noticed or that you're interested in that you're working on right now.

I actually was.

You're writing for everybody. Annie's amazing everywhere. She's blowing up.

Oh, man.

You're so successful at 30 that you have all that you can freelance and then you can do all this. I mean, I'm just impressed. So why.

Why, thank you.

Yes.

I'm actually about to be 30. I think that that's my game changer decade. I'm still 29, and I feel like I'm using this year to just kind of float between things and just see what I'm doing right. Which I really recommend to everyone, by the way, if you can swing it. It's like. Cause I feel like, you know, I did all of my 20s in a corporate job and then.

Was that at Cosmo?

Cosmo, yeah.

I was gonna ask you what you learned about, like, how that changed your views of sex or what you learned about me. You started there when you were in your early 20s. So did you know anything about sexting? Right, I would. That was one of my. I have like 18 million questions I didn't get to. But. But did it change your views of sex or what you learned or it.

Did of sex itself? The act or just dating your personal life? Yeah, yeah.

Affected me in some good ways, but also some bad ways. And I think that the bad ways. So.

I was the editor of this section called Manthropology, which was basically. It was like all inside the male brain. I used to interview you for it all the time. I loved it. I loved doing it so much. But I found that being the editor for it, I had to constantly be pitching ideas. So I kind of started analyzing guys more than I would normally do. And I would become very nitpicky and I would see them do things and instead of just like letting it go as just something, give me an example. Like, okay, so we did decode his Instagram and it was hilarious. And so it was like, if he posts mostly nature shots, then that means he is a chill boyfriend. And if he posts mostly selfies, you know, that means that he's somewhat narcissistic and all this stuff. So I found myself. It's like when I was dating people, I would look at their Instagrams and the full screen and I would analyze them and I would be like, wait, would I normally do this if I weren't writing this? Is this Annie brain or is this Annie Cosmo Brain? Like, what's happening right now? So it was, you know, it's a fine line to.

I agree. I do too. Yeah, I totally got it.

Yeah.

So did you. Okay, so what else is next? Are you working on anything else that you can talk about?

Okay, so I'm doing a porn story, which actually I really like to interview.

Yeah, who's it for?

New York Post.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Porn watching habits.

Yeah, so it's actually based on this study that just came out and it was like two weeks ago in the Journal of. Oh, God, like the. Some big psychology.

I'm forgetting. Whatever. Apa.

Yeah, one of those, like, science based good ones. And it found that guys who watch a lot of porn are actually less turned on by sexual stimuli in real life, which is.

Yeah, it's a totally impacting the way men are relating to women, and they're having more sexual dysfunction because of it.

I think that we've talked about this before because I wrote a story about this at Cosmo a couple of years ago, but this is now a new, updated study, and it's just more info. Yeah, talk.

How much longer are you in town?

I know.

With you.

I know. Can we go to a bar and just hit on random dudes?

Yeah. Can we just go by hand dudes or just Tinder the whole time and have some guys?

Yeah.

There's another site that they were telling me about earlier. I know we got to wrap it up, but. But there was some site they were telling us about Grouper. Have you heard this?

Oh, yeah.

Dates. Which is kind of how a lot of people date today. Anyway. They're like, hey, well, at least in San Francisco, like, nobody asks you out. Talk about the difference between cities.

Oh, yeah.

Nobody approaches you in San Francisco. Like, you don't get asked out here. It's like, I'm walking in whole Foods. Some guys like, hey, like. And I like it. I mean, it's nicer. But in San Francisco, it's like, hey, a bunch of my friends are meeting out. You want to meet up? So that's what sounds like Grouper is. But it's kind of nice because there's buffers.

Yeah.

It's like three people and three people who don't really know each other, but it's kind of like that table for six things they used to do, those dating sites that you all have lunch with, like, six people.

But, oh, yeah, I don't know about.

I mean, I don't know much about.

Grouper, but I do know I. Again, I feel like I keep saying this, but I did write a story about that at Cosmo about Grouper. And the big thing there is jealousy. And so because they don't match you up, it's like three girls go out with three guys, but they don't say which guy is for which girl. So the girls, it's like they're all friends, and they don't want to be competing with each other, but they totally are.

So the girls are friends, but the guys aren't. Or the guys and the girls are all friends and they make no.

It's like normally it's. The girls are friends and they'll sign up for a three pack, and the guys are friends and they'll sign up for a three pack. And so then it's like friends going out with friends. But usually it's like three dudes and three guys or three, three dudes and three girls, right? So when you do it with your friends, it's like you don't want to be competing for the cute one or for the one that you obviously all.

Like, but you all like the same guy.

So it's just kind of, that's the one. I mean, ideally it would work out so that it's like these nice little even pairs. But like, let's be honest, whatever works.

Out, whatever works for you, just try a little. Annie Daly. It's Annie M as in masturbation. Sorry, it's for sleeping. Sorry. Daily Daly on Twitter and on Instagram. And you can check out all of her great writing. She writes for everybody.

Elle, thank you so much for having me. Oh my God, I love having you.

I'm so great. I know. Really fun. We've been talking about this. We've been excited. Thank you, Anderson. And thank you everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

Annie so you know, toys, sex toys. There are so many toys for women, but there is. The number one selling sex toy for men is a masturbation sleeve. So it looks and feels like the real deal. Like men use their hands, they're like, what the hell? What do I need a toy for? But it feels really good. Some guys say it feels like actually having sex. And my intern today gave one to her boyfriend and she's like, eileen, he's freaking out over it. He loves it. They're like 24. And she's like, and now when I have sex with them, I'm just like, take your fleshlight. Because it feels like. I know. So fleshlight it is. You can feel the pleasure of having sex anytime. Not that you don't. You won't ever want to have sex again. But it's a little something to spice it up. It can also help you last longer in bed. They have a stamina training unit and you're masturbating at the same time. And you're learning to last longer in bed, which is really important for a lot of women. So. And you might experience some of those mind blowing orgasms of your life. And if you've ever fantasized about having sex with your favorite porn star, she probably has a fleshlight shaped just like her intimate parts. So they're available in realistic flesh tone colors and they Feel amazing. So go to sexwithemily.com fleshlight to get your fleshlight. Now that's sexwithemily.com fleshLight perhaps play a little game called Just a Tip. Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

Hey, this is Jordan Harbinger, host of the Art of Charm podcast, the number one dating and relationships advice podcast in itunes.

I'm Emily Morse, host of the Sex with Emily podcast, the number one sex and relationship podcast on iTunes and@sexwithemily.com and this is just the tip.

So what are some common mistakes that guys make during sex? I mean, we hear all the time, like, guys make this. Guys did that. Da, da, da. I think one of the most common things is guys have no idea what women and wants.

Exactly. That is a great mistake. That many men.

Great mistake.

It's a great mistake. No, you're. You're right on point that the guys assume that, you know, my last girlfriend wanted this. She must want this. And. But I mean, as you, you know, mature sexually, you should never assume this. You should never make assumptions that. That every woman is the same. So what you gotta do is learn how to communicate with your partner and find out what she wants. You do not know what this woman wants. I'm telling you, first time you sex with her, you have no idea.

You have no idea.

You really don't. There's not like a universal thing that every woman likes except for maybe, you know, diamonds or something. We're talking about sex.

Okay, and what else?

The thing is, number two, is that you have all she needs. Okay? Some women, I'm telling you, Jordan, they cannot have an orgasm with less than 3000 RPMs. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration. But men think something's wrong with them if they need a vibrator. And I tell all women and guys, like, don't be intimidated by the vibrator. If that's what she needs to get off, bring the vibrator into the room, have your own little threesome there with her and her vibrator. You know, it's a lot less work for the guy and a lot more pleasure for her.

That makes sense.

Yeah. And, you know, people can always go to goodvibes.com and use coupon code Emily and get discount on a vibrator.

Good to know. Little vibrator discount never hurts. A lot of guys think that women think just like we do. So they're like kind of, we think that sex feels the same for us as it does for you.

Exactly. And that's a huge disconnect because when a man has sex with a woman, his penis goes into her body. Is that how that works? Yeah.

Sex is 101 mistake number four.

Exactly. But think about that. It's like off the charts. And you just. The guys are like, I can't imagine what that feels like. But. And they can't imagine that that feeling isn't the same way for her. But the inside of the vagina is less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. So deep thrusting into the vagina isn't necessarily great. For women, it's the outer two thirds of the vagina that are most sensitive.

So you don't want to bang on that cervix.

No. I mean, some. It feels good for a little bit, but you want to mix it up all the time. It does not feel the same way for women. And the clitoris, just because you're having sex, you got to pay attention to the clitoris, whether she uses her hands, use your hands or a vibrator. But the clitoris. Most women need a clitoral orgasm before they can have any other kinds of orgasms.

Good to know. And we'll continue some of these sex mistakes next week. If you guys want to learn more from the Art of Charm, about dating, relationships, and even networking for business, Visit us at theartofcharmpodcast.com or check us out in itunes and follow me on Twitter at theart of charm.

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