Spring Cleaning Your Love Life

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Hey everyone. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on tonight's show, Spring cleaning your relationship. How to know if it's time to break up. We'll be giving you some signs. Also, we'll be answering your emails. Topics include what to do about a jealous partner, should you have sex with your ex, and everyone's favorite topic, squirting. All that and more. Thanks for listening.

So I've been giving sex advice for 10 years and most sex takes place in a bed. So the bed is like the playing field. And you gotta be comfortable in your playing field, right? That's why I need to tell you about Helix. Sure, beds are for sex, but hey, sometimes you gotta sleep and I want to make sure you're making the most of that too. So when was the last time you bought a new mattress? I've always dreaded the process. It's expensive. You have to drive from store to store. You gotta test out the other dirty beds that other people tried. And one sales guy even got creepy and me to try out the mattress with him. Thanks to Helix, those days are over. Buying a mattress with Helix is so easy and you always hear risk free. But this really is risk free. They deliver the mattress to your house, you undo the box and it inflates itself like a magic trick. You sleep on it for 100 days. And if you don't like it, no questions asked, they come pick it up, they take it away, move on with your life, game over. And these really are great beds. I have one and I love it. And trust me, I know beds. And like I said, at the end of the day, there's no risk to you. These beds are super comfortable and they wouldn't give this guarantee if that wasn't true. They don't want to pick up your mattress. They know you'll love it. So for once, make something easy in your life. Make this easy and get a great, sexy, comfy mattress. @helixsleep.com Emily, they'll help you create your own custom sleep profile and they'll custom make a mattress that fits your preference. Sounds expensive, right? Wrong. It's really affordable. Much more affordable than those mattresses you'll see in a showroom. They cut out the middle band and the overhead and they can afford to do this for you. Just go to helixsleep.com Emily figure out your profile and your custom mattress will arrive at your door in about a week and shipping is free. Plus, when you go to helixleep.com Emily you get 50 bucks off an already very affordable mattress. That's helixsleep.com H E L I X sleep.com Emily once again, trust me because I know beds. If you've listened to the show the last couple months, you've probably heard me talk about a unique product called the Womanizer. A while back, the owners of the company asked if they could send me one to test out, which, of course, you know me. I agreed to it. I own and review a lot of toys and I was fairly confident. I've tried every category product around. But I was wrong. The Womanizer was designed in Germany and unlike anything else on the market, it indirectly stimulates the clitoris using suction. It's kind of like a sexy ear thermometer. It has a silicone cylinder on the face that you place over your clitoris. Kind of like how a partner might use their mouth. And while it's on, you can vary the suction and move it around to create an amazingly intense experience. In fact, most women in their focus group achieve orgasm in one minute. That's right, a 60 second orgasm. You can just knock it out if you want. So I tried the Womanizer and they weren't kidding. It's amazing. The suction is adjustable and you can position it to create so many different sensations. The Womanizer is really in a category category of its own and I suggest you check it out. For yourself. Go to sex with emily.com and click on the Womanizer banner for more information.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just is heartbroken.

He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh, my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, you go to sexwithemily.com, we got a brand new website we launched last week. Last month. And you're all loving it. So thank you for visiting the site. You know, every day we're posting new blog posts and videos and things that will help you have better sex and relationships, because that's what I'm all about. And I want to remind you that it's so easy to subscribe to the podcast. We love when you do that. I do two shows a week, and then you easily get the podcast. They'll show up however you listen on your podcast app, and there they are. And it helps us, too, when you subscribe because we love you. And thanks, everyone, for listening and for being here. And I'm here with Anderson. My darling Anderson. It's been a while.

It's been a long time.

I know. I did a little vacation.

What are you doing? Why are you out there cheating?

I know. I'm sorry. I'm not really cheating, but I was with my mom on vacation.

Was that fun? Was that a good time?

You know what? I gotta say, it was. I haven't had a vacation since the early 2000s, and it was really nice just to get away with my mom and to. You know, my mom's super chill, so she's not like, ma, like, all over myself.

She was on the show. She was in here. I like it.

Yeah. You guys check out the show with my mom. That was a really popular show.

Did your stepdad go, too?

No.

Girls weekend. It was a girls weekend.

We went to Cabo and it was fun. I really just needed to relax, and my mom has way more energy than I do, and she was like, let's go sightseeing I'm like, nope, I'm just sitting by the pool.

I would guess that it was the other way around, knowing you, Em.

Exactly. My mom.

Is your mom being going. Can I just please relax by the pool, honey? And you're like, no, we have to go see this. We have to do that. We have to do this. And I heard there's a sex lecture.

I used to be like that. And I have to say that since I haven't had a vacation in so long, I really needed the distance and the perspective to just step back and reflect and do nothing. I'm like, no, I'm not going shopping. Not doing this. And she was cool. And then she chilled out, which was good for her. And I had a lot of breakthroughs.

That takes experience. It's hard to do a good vacation because most of the time, if I go on vacation, I might come back exhausted. And you don't want to do that. You want. You want to have a nice. You want to experience new stuff and see new stuff for sure. But you got to find a balance, and you got to come back relaxed. I don't. I could. Most every single vacation I go on, I come back and I'm like, work. I'm so tired, though, from running around on my vacation.

Yes. See, I did not run around. And I was there. I was healthy. I meditated every day. I ran. I, you know, took care of myself.

Hippie, dippy.

I'm a hippie. What can I say? And so that was fun. And then also, I just want to mention that we've had some really good show, you guys. First of all, our show was God number six on iTunes, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows. We just posted out the five bedroom mistakes you might be making. You might love that episode. And then what women really want in bed with the lady gang. So check out that podcast. That was fun, too. And.

Spring. It's spring. Spring is sprung. Do you know what happens in the spring, Anderson?

Yeah, Flowers bloom and, like, little birdies hatch and bears come out of retirement. Or hibernation.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That's what happens. And it's a time for renewal, rebirth. Cleaning out your closet. Do you do that kind of thing?

No.

Okay. Out with the old and with the new.

You know why I am? I live in California, and it's always, like, spring, summer out here.

That's true.

I don't really notice that seasons pass or come.

No, it is true. My mom's in Michigan. She goes, I'm so excited when I Get home. I can buy winter clothes in the basement and I can bring out my summer clothes.

Yeah. You know, I have to do things like I have a number of calendars around my house so that something changes, you know, so I. Every time a new season officially comes on board, you know what I do? I got a new collar for Stan. He has four. He has four. I was gonna ask you separate collars. He's got a spring. This is ridiculous. But sure. His spring collar. He's got his winter collar, he's got his fall. And what's the other one?

I almost bought him a collar in Mexico, but I didn't know if you dealt with it.

Really cute.

I didn't know.

Black is for winter.

I'm glad I didn't.

Green is for spring, yellow spring.

I'd be offended if he didn't wear it. Stanley's the dog. Check out my Instagram if you want to see pictures. Or my Facebook.

Yes.

Yeah. You know what's funny, though? Every time I get. So when you call Lyft, do you like Uber?

Yeah, it's a little pink mustache.

Right. When you call Lyft for it to ride, do you know that it's connected to your Facebook? And the picture they see that pops up, I get in their car and it's. And you know, my Facebook profile is me and Stanley.

Oh, it is. I didn't know that.

Yeah. So it's really funny because I'm always like, oh. They're like, oh, you have a cute dog. So every time I get in a lift, they're like, what kind of dog is that? And I'm like, it's not really my dog.

Oh, you can lie.

I lie.

I have a feeling I know where you're going. You're talking about maybe cleaning out the bad relationship in your life.

Exactly. We get rid of position, possessions, and maybe the people who aren't really serving you that well, you know? Yeah. If they're not giving you oral sex. That's one of the points out. It's time to freshen everything up. Okay. That's what we're doing here in spring. And there's actually this book that's been crazy bestseller. It's this Japanese book about decluttering. It's about. It's a Japanese organization book and it's how I gotta find the name of it. No, no, no, no. It's better than that.

Because ironically, most people who bought that book. It's probably clutter now.

No, here's.

The book is actually clutter. What?

You don't know about me.

That's true irony right there.

Can I tell you? What? What can I tell you? I'm looking it up, so keep talking.

You have a hard time doing two things at once? I'll.

Okay. It's called. It's Marie Kondo wrote a book about Japanese organization, the life changing magic of Tidying Up. Sounds silly. There's a million books on organizing, but this book. So I'm obsessed with organizing. I don't think you know this about me because I'm actually not organized. Have you noticed?

Yes, I've noticed how this organizes.

I have this dream, like when I want to relax and chill out or I feel like I need to de stress, I stand in target. And I'm like, oh, if I could just buy those organizers for my files, then everything will be okay.

But then you just walk right by the aisle.

No, I buy tons of organizers and.

Then they become clutter.

Clutter.

Yeah. The irony, you see? The irony.

Dude, there's so much irony in my life. But anyway, this is her trick in the book, which is why it actually works, because I actually read the book. And her thing is she wants you to, you know, separate everything into piles, like, these are my T shirts, these are all my clothes, these are all my books. And then you have to hold everything in your hand for a second and say, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you toss it.

What if it brings you joy right in that moment because you forgot you even had it? No, because I. I have this issue.

My wife's always on my back, rationalized and stuff. But if you really think about it, you're like, it's kind of broken. Or like, my dad gave it to me as a gift, so I got to save it. Because you know what? You gotta think they gave it to you as a gift at that moment to make you happy. They don't care if you hang on to the T shirt from Florida, you know?

Yeah, I got like a guilt thing going. Like, my mom used to pack my lunch when I was in grade school and I didn't like the American cheese, but I'd eat it because I picture her putting it on my sandwich. And I'd feel bad that she went through the effort, you know what I mean? So I'd eat it anyways.

Yeah, same kind of thing. So it's getting rid of stuff. So, you know, we all go through phases in relationships and couples experience, like up and down, up and downs. But there is a point in a relationship where you have to ask yourself Some questions and if you've been kind of thinking, I'm not sure if this is working for me. We've been fighting for a while. Um, I'm not sure this is the person. I'm going to give you some things to think about. We're going to walk this through here, Anderson. Okay.

Okay. Real quick though, I'm going to tell you this. Here's my tip. If you're holding her from behind, like, and having doggy style sex with her at that moment is not the right moment to ask, does this bring me joy? If you're trying to figure out to.

Get rid of it, I'm not saying it's the same thing with the partner. I'm just talking about my decluttering fascination.

I do like that tip though, because, yes, I. I got a baby on the way and I'm turning my spare bedroom, which is kind of my de facto bedroom where I sleep when I'm drinking and whatnot, which is often, which is every night. So that's now becoming the nursery. Huge life change. And I gotta throw everything that's in there away.

This will be so good for you. But do you know, you joked about feng shui, but there's a lot to be said for clearing your space and letting things go. And here's a funny thing. So I was talking to this book, I was talking about this book to my friend and she was saying that, you know, and I've read a lot of these different things and they're like, you know, if you want to find a partner, you have to make room. Like if you're single, which you are not single, but make room in your home so you can welcome that person in. Like, have two nightstands with two lamps and make sure there's space. And you're. And I thought about it and so I live in a very tiny cottage. And one of the problems with my bedroom is that you actually can't. I have no closet, so it's all hanging right. You can't actually get to the other side. Other side of the bed. And my ex, who I broke up with a few months ago, he was like, I can't. It was so hard for him to get into my room. And he didn't like sleeping there, not just because of that, but he liked my house. But it was like that. And I'm like, oh my God, I was not welcoming you into my home.

And you might be doing that subconsciously too.

Maybe I was like, I don't want you in my bed. But anyway, that's Just a whole nother story. But here's some signs that it might be time to let go. And again, you guys, let me just say something. This is not a Cosmo survey. Cosmopolitan. You're not gonna, like, check, check, check, break up. Like, I have no formula here, but these are just. I want you to start thinking about these things.

Where does this list come from?

My brain.

Your brain? Yeah. From the mind of M. Let's do this. I'm excited.

Okay. Ready? Yeah. Number one, if there's abuse, whether it's emotional or physical. Now that seems obvious. Come on. What?

A little abuse here and there?

No, no, no, no. It can often be hard for them to even recognize. We hear it every night on Loveline, my show. You often don't know if you're in an unhealthy situation because obviously you're like, I like to be abused. And so, you know, this feels really, really good. And this is a deal breaker. But again, when you're in it, you don't know that you're in that cycle of abuse.

You're absolutely right. I've talked to a number of girls in my life, Em, and it's shocking how many of them will say without, you know, even without any kind of vein of. Of. Of irony or anything that. About how they are abused in the relationship and. But they don't speak about it as though it's abuse again. Then he starts calling me fat and he's yelling at me, and it's like they're bitching about it, but they don't realize this is hardcore abuse.

And that's why you.

Dude, go.

Right? And that's why you need to be able to have friends or people you trust and reflect on. So here's a cycle of abuse. Do you know the cycle of abuse? And if you want to Google this, there's a great. It's. You know, I learned this in psychology. But there is a cycle. There's like, you know, if you Google it, go to Google Images. You'll see. But it's. It's. Number one, the tensions build. So, you know, tensions increase. There's a breakdown in communication. You feel like the victim fearful. That kind of thing.

Like it's building eggshells.

Yeah, exactly. Then there's an incident. Something can happen verbally, they assault you or emotionally or physically. Anger. Then there's the reconciliation you make up. It feels really good. You feel like you're getting closer. There's apologies. You give excuses. You deny that it even happened. And then there's a calm after that. And you think, oh, you know, this is the fourth stage of it. It's forgotten. There really was no abuse. And you get in that honeymoon phase and you're like, wow, we're healing, we're moving. And then the tension starts building. So it's a loop, but tensions build. Incident, reconciliation, calm.

Can I just. What do you say to this? Every good, healthy relationship does have a cycle where fights do come. You show me a couple that never gets in any fights for years, that's an unhealthy couple that don't really pay attention to each other, but living separate lives.

But I'm talking about abusive tension. Yes, physically. I'm talking about verbal abuse. And we're going to label. We're going to. I'm going to let you know here some signs that you are. Don't worry, we're getting into this. So if you notice, this cycle might be time to end the relationship. It's never good. And let me tell you, also, if you are an abusive relationship and you get out of one, that's a great time to learn from the relationship and to do some work on yourself. Re evaluate repeating the cycle. Number two, the fighting gets mean, and it starts happening more frequently. So like you just said, Anderson, couples, they fight. If you never fight, oh, we're so happy. That's also fine.

You're gonna have disagreements, but we're talking about.

It gets mean. That's just a you thing. It gets mean.

It gets mean.

That's what mean. Yeah. And it happens more and more now. John Gottman, he's one of my favorite researchers. Have you heard of Gottman, Gottman, Gottman Institute? So Gottman, he did these amazing studies, and he did these studies over years and years, and he watched couples, and he was able to identify predictors of either a failed or terminally happy, unhappy relationship. He studied couples over a few years, period. And now it gets to a point where he can look at him for five minutes and he can tell if a few things happen, that it's not gonna last.

Right.

So let me tell you what these are.

I would think that some of these couples had issues because they're like, I really don't like that there's a dude named Dr. Gottman over my shoulder, constantly watching us.

Well, no, exactly. That was another issue. No, but I'm telling you, you're gonna hear these, and you're gonn called the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Tell me, tell me more.

Okay, number one, criticism versus complaints. So a complaint specific situation, right? Like your partner failed, you know, you in some way, and you're like, hey, you know. You know what? It kind of attacks their. That's criticism. And then there's complaints. So let me. Complaints are.

Tell me the difference between.

Here's a complaint, Anderson, pretend we're married. God, there's no gas in the car. Again. I'm really aggravated you didn't feel it and you said you would, and I'm really disappointed. That's a complaint. Here's a criticism. You never remember anything, Anderson, I told you to fill up the gas. You can't be counted on, and you're a loser. And everything you do is like, I'm never trusting you again.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. You're attacking my moral privacy.

Exactly.

That's who I am.

So couples who are more critical than they are complaining is a problem.

So critical is that you're.

That's the first one.

And you're attacking who they are rather to what they did.

Exactly.

A complaint is about what they did.

Specific. You're like, you don't make it into this global. You always forget things. You're like, you know what? This one incident, you said you filled the gas. I was late for work. That bummed me out. Number two, under the four signs that your relationship is probably trouble. Contempt. This is a huge one. Contempt. Now you know what contempt is? It's when your behaviors. It communicates disgust. It's like, I'm. Yeah, just saying. Like, it's not. It's like, it's includes things like criticism.

Sneering, sarcasm, like name calling, like you're an asshole. Like, you roll your eyes, you mock them, you make fun of them. That's contempt. And it's hostile. Okay.

It's the way you treat someone you really don't want.

Yeah, you're rolling your eyes. It's disrespectful.

It's beyond resentment.

Exactly. It's disrespect.

Then this is like how I treat co workers that I have to work with, but I don't want to, like, have a relationship with them, but I have to interact with them, but I hate them.

Right. It's contempt. And I think I'm also gonna put this on the website because I'm gonna give you. I'm dishing out a lot here, but this is all like. I believe that Gottman is probably one of the greatest researchers on relationships, so I'm glad we're talking about this. Okay, so then there's defensiveness. This is just like, the problem. It's not me, it's you. We all know what being defensive is. But this is like, your partner's always defensive. They never take responsibility for their own behavior, and they point to something you did, and they complain about you. You're like, listen, Ani, I'm really upset. You said that there was, you know, you were gonna bring home dinner night, and I'm really hungry. They're like, well, you never do this. And, you know, they never can take it in. They can never take feedback. They always point it right back at you.

Can I just say, too, though, about that, M. A lot of people, that's like a personality disorder, and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life.

Right.

You know what I mean? But there are those people that are gonna be defensive, whether they're, like, married to you or they're. You're their child or you work with them.

But that's really, really. That's awful. Yeah, yeah. You're never gonna get anywhere because you understand, this is when the breakdown. I always say, like, you got to communicate. And this is when I'm not saying again, you can end it. These are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know what? My partner is displaying some of these. And this is when you go to therapy and you say, you know what? These are the issues. And then oftentimes when couples therapy works, that's when you learn the tools to. They give you tools actually in therapy. And then you go home and you practice. You're like, you know, when you say this in that tone, it really upsets me. And then you learn in therapy that you have a sign that was that tone again. And you learn to kind of change behavior. Some couples are not able to reconcile that. And then also the frequency of fighting. The fighting, like I said, the beginning, more and more fighting. You can't agree on the smallest, smallest things.

That's beyond that point. Right?

Beyond repair. Okay, number three. Now, this is number three of the big signs. That was just part. Number two, there's no trust. Any foundation or iota you had of trust is just completely gone. Maybe someone cheated. You know, it could be from past relationships, too. It could be child childhood trauma. You're always accusing your partner of cheating, and you just cannot build the trust. And you. It doesn't matter. There's insecurity, there's jealousy, and this. As you know, if you've been in a relationship like this, both parties will suffer. The problem with trust is people think that, well, I keep reassuring my partner. I keep telling them, you know, you know, I'm not Cheating, or if I cheated once, you know, I won't do it again. That's. This is another case where most, in most scenarios, couples on their own cannot rebuild trust without the help of a third party, and that is a therapist, because there's so much broken down and already. And the problem is if there is an indiscretion, like let's say, that gets founded on, you know, someone did cheat, for example, oftentimes the person who was a cheater doesn't want to talk about it.

Right.

Like, it's done, it's over, let's move on.

It's shameful. And they.

The problem is, is that the person who was cheated on, they don't get caught. They need closure. They need to hear. Sometimes they need to hear every detail. And you be patient with them. And whatever the case may be, these couples can't get past it.

When the relationship's been damaged that bad. It's like the equivalent of having a broken leg, that you need to go to the doctor and get it reset. You need to go to a therapist and get your relationship reset if it has any hopes of ever being healthy again.

Now, early on, when this happens, if you notice it, you're in a relationship where, you know, there's a lot of trust.

I've been in relationships for like two weeks where all we hit all these milestones, Right? Yeah.

And how'd they go?

Sex is awesome. But then.

Right.

Yeah. Everything else is so good.

You know, we always hear from people who are like, my partner's really jealous. It's not working out. Guess what? That's not gonna go away. And it's probably doesn't have anything to do with you.

And the jealous partners are usually cheating. That's why they're jealous.

Well, that's interesting. That's true. A lot of times when your partners could be projecting.

Yeah.

Or it could be coming from their father.

Cheated on their mother a lot of time, too. Like, the dudes, like, they look at their hot wife and they think, hey, if I was her and if I was that attractive.

Right.

I would be banging everybody. She must be, too.

Exactly.

I saw that firsthand with my dad. Yeah, it was good times.

He cheated on your mom.

Yeah. But he was always accusing her. And she was innocent. Completely innocent.

Classic. Yeah, it's either that or they came from abusive parent. Whatever. Cheat a cheating parent. And early on, if you catch this, you can work it through with therapy, try to rebuild it. But sometimes, point of no return, you know, if you've given it your best, you're not able to rebuild the trust. Game over.

And sometimes it's not worth it unless you got, like, kids or, you know, or it's the first time you've ever been able to find somebody that you could work with.

Exactly.

But a lot of times it's just like, get out. Get out.

Yeah. Because you're not. If you're not working on the trust, it's not just going to magically go away.

Right.

Okay. Number four, there's no sex in the relationship. But we all know sex waxes and wanes in relationships. Ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. But this is when you've tried, like, you've actually made an effort, you've tried to talk about it, you tried to work on it, and it just dies out. And this is not about sex drive and libido. And you just had kids. Sometimes you just. You just don't want to have sex with your partner anymore.

Become a roommate.

Yep. You become roommates, you're not interested. You find that you're really attracted to other people. You're making lots of excuses not to get intimate with your partner. And like I've always said, if you're just. If you're not having sex with your partner, it's gone on too long. You are roommates, and you're not lovers.

Right.

Okay.

But you're comfortable, and you can't imagine your world without that person, especially if you share a space. A lot of the time, people don't like change. And you're going to have to make a massive change and have a different living space and have a different roommate or maybe no roommate. And that's scary.

Right?

But you only have one life, as far as we know.

Exactly.

Can't be wasting it.

And I've told a story, actually. I have a friend. Years ago, a few years ago, she was older than me, but she was married when I started my show. Of course I talk about sex with everybody. And she was like, you know what? They've been together, like, 15 years. At the time. A woman I work with, she says, emily, I don't care about sex. He's a great dad. We got two kids. I've had enough sex in my life. She thinks she was, like, 40 at the time. She's like, I've had enough sex. And I thought to myself, something's messed up here. You've not had enough sex. And now their divorce. Turns out there was an affair. And if you find yourself rationalizing away, she Her? Yeah, she did.

She had enough sex with him.

Well, Right.

That's what she meant.

So what I'm saying is, if you're rationalizing the fact that, you know what, we're best friends, it's great.

I could see. I could see that, though. Especially when you got kids and you're older. 40s might be a little bit young, but if you're like 50 or 60 and you're doing that twilight years. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You make your own decisions.

We like going on cruises.

But I'm saying, you know, you're. Yeah. You still want to be, but it's not working. Finally. And you don't see a future together. Because here's the thing. What? Have you been with someone where they're just like planning trips without you? Or you close your eyes and think, God, I can't. I wouldn't want to meet my parents or I don't want kids with this person. Yeah.

I've been in relationships that lasted like six months after this thought went into my head, Emily, we were going. We were both hungry. We're gonna go get something to eat. And I'm like, that's like a 10 minute drive to that restaurant. I don't want to sit in the car with this person for 10 minutes to get to the restaurant. And I was with that person for.

Six months after dinner with them.

I don't see the future drive. The drive seems like just mind bogglingly numb.

Exactly. So I. Yeah, that's a future. Also, if you feel like you're planning your summer vacation but you're not thinking of them, you're. And also your future plans don't line up like, you know, you know that you want to settle down in the suburbs with five kids and your partner's like, can't wait. Just wants to live in the city. Like, these are all.

People change, though. People change.

Well, you know what? But you're right. If you're with someone for a while. And I'm not saying again, you guys, I. I'm not like, I'm not like, if something's happened, like, I'm not take sex with Emily. I'm going to do a little disclaimer here. I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship ending. If it was wrong, we will not pay for your therapy. I'm just telling you these are some things that might get the wheels turning.

Let me ask you this, Em.

Yep.

You personally, have you ever been in a relationship for. Because I know you're monogamous. You're a serial monogamous there for a while.

I was. Yeah.

Were you ever in a relationship that you felt like it was really bad and you were. You knew inside you were done with it, but you didn't want to give up on it because you'd already been in it so long?

Yeah, a lot of reasons. I think that there was comfort. I used to joke that I. And it was actually true. But it's been a while now that I used to spend half my relationships trying to get out of him.

Trying to get out of him. But no, you actually look. Well, I've already. I've been with him for two years now. I don't want to throw that away.

No, I never thought that.

Okay. Because I hear that a lot, especially from the ladies and gentlemen.

It's.

It's really not the wisest way to go about something.

No, because. Right.

It's like if you've had a bad stock and you've been losing money for two years, you don't stick with it.

Exactly. You got to know when it's time to fold them.

Yeah.

Know when to hold them.

But you've never done that. Okay, good.

No, I haven't done that. Okay, so. And here's some fellow questions, you guys, because I don't want you to be like, oh, that. Check, check, check. First, think about this. What are you afraid of if you end it?

Spiders.

Afraid of being alone. Afraid. Here's another thing. How many people do this? I'm never gonna find anyone else.

Yeah, right. That might be the case.

Best thing that ever happened to me. No, I don't know. I don't think that's the case for people.

I've seen some people. I've seen some people.

Well, they're probably. Could use a lot of contempt.

See somebody, like on a reality show, and then you find out they have kids, and you're like, oh, my God, they actually had sex with someone. Who would ever have sex with that?

I'm sorry.

That was mean.

That is mean. You might fear that. No, no one's gonna love you. You're unlovable. And then think about, like, where are these fears coming from? How real are they? Or using them just as an excuse. Settle for good enough. Sometimes we use these excuses. We're like, I'm just too. I don't want to deal with it. And I know a lot of people who are in relationships who eventually. And some stay together forever and some eventually get divorced, but they just. They literally, in their mind, they're like, I can't imagine being without this person because there will be no one else. But I'M telling you that that's just a fear. That is not true. Especially you want to find someone else.

I was messing around. There's always somebody. Yeah, there's always somebody. Now there's always somebody else at your level out there roaming the streets looking for somebody as well.

Yeah. That is not right. That's just a fearful thought. The other thing is, am I in love with this person or am I in love with the person? I wish they were. Do I think this person is going to change? If they only change, then blank. Once they stop drinking, once they lose weight, once they stop accusing me of beating me, whatever. That was morbid. But, you know, then it'll be great. Newsflash, people. People do not change unless they want to change. So do not ever date or marry on potential.

Right. Which happens, I think, more often than not. What I think that people get married and thinking that things are going to change.

Right. And people like to change. People like projects. They, like, fix me ups. You ladies, you did as well?

Oh, I did a lot. Yeah.

But I'm kind of like a chick also. The last one is, is this relationship bringing out the best of me? So, like, when you're in a healthy relationship, you want to feel like this is your best self, right? You know, you. You make each other better. You build each other up. You like working towards the same goals or they support your goals. But if you feel like your relationship is bringing you down and like, your partner is, like, holding you back from things that are really, really important to you, you know, constant criticism and negativity, like, how are you feeling in the relationship? You want to feel like your best self. And I have to say that I was in a relationship not too long ago, like, in the last few years, where I realized, and this isn't usually, this is something that's new for me, that I felt like, God, that I had some, like, insecurities coming up and things that, like, I just feel like, God, this person really isn't supporting me. And I think they were a little jealous. And it was like, God, I'm actually feeling bad. I've never felt. And it's funny because I have these four best girlfriends from college, and they came out to visit me in San Francisco and they were like, you know what, Em? And I've never seen you worry about this thing. Like you're worried about things that are not like you. And I realized it was. I was allowing my partner to have this effect on me. And sometimes it's really great if you people who know you and love you and trust you to actually listen to them.

Right.

And you know, it takes guts to.

Takes balls to like. Because what if you ended up marrying that guy and I got a lot of women in your position, or men too, would turn around and be like, pissed at the friends for, like, saying anything about it.

Right. And I'm telling you, here's the other thing. I don't think that every friend knows the best. But you know who those people are.

Yeah.

Who are your good friends?

Got people to keep you grounded.

Exactly.

Show you what's really happening.

Exactly. And then finally, have you given it your best? Like, have you really tried? Because this can't be just like one thing happening. You're out. But, like, you tried therapy, you tried talking about it and you know when you're done. Okay. So you know, this is not gonna apply to everybody. And if there's kids, of course there's more to consider, but I want you to want you really think about these.

Things because it's spring.

Happy spring. Woo. That's enough. Okay, but now that's we got that out of the way. So I just, you know, throw out some old T shirts and throw out some old relationships or stay with them maybe. This is refreshing.

It's also the time of year that if you have a house cat, they're gonna be bringing in little baby birds because it's springtime. It's very upsetting. Yeah, it's just like my backyard is just like a wild safari.

Do you have a cat?

Yeah, I have a cat. I have a house cat. But I let her outside. She goes outside, then she brings things in. She had an alligator lizard in her mouth a couple days ago.

An alligator.

And she was meowing with it in her mouth, like looking at it. So proud.

Can you take pictures?

No, I just screamed out, kitty. No, kitty. Kitty runs. And then she drops the alligator lizard.

She's dead.

No, it's roaming around my house.

Because I know that you probably take it to the vet or something.

No, I took it out front. I let it go.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break and be right back.

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Email time.

Thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedback at sex with elmy.com. i love hearing from you.

Are there links on your site too about all the stuff that you just cited there from.

Exactly. There are. We're going to post all this from Gottman, John Gottman. And I think this is going to be really helpful for you guys just to take a look at it because I know I just ran through a lot, but I think it's a really important for you to take them consideration. Chances are maybe none of these apply to you.

If you are taking the time to go to the website and look at it further to take a look at your own relationship, chances are there's a reason you're doing that. Right?

Good point, Anderson.

There's something there that's bugging you.

I once heard this advice, relationship advice. And I don't think this is for everybody, but they're like, you know, my friend kept saying, God, I just don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure if we should be together for like a year. And my friend turned to her and said, if you don't know, right?

You know, kind of like the orgasm adage, right? Like, I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have one.

Exactly. You're gonna know. Okay. Emails. So I love when you include your name, where you're listening from and how you listen and your age in the email.

Oh, and this email I really liked because, you know, we answer a ton of sex questions on the show, but I also like answering. Of course we answer relationship as well. So this was an interesting one that we hadn't got in a while. Hey Emily, I'm a big fan of your podcast and itunes and I'm in need of some third party advice. I recently moved with my boyfriend of nearly six years. We live in San Francisco and just made the jump to the burbs. We lived in San Francisco. We got our new apartment on very short notice, but I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment in the city, so I figured I'd take advantage and sleep in the old apartment to make it easier on myself. I pulled the sheets off the bed in the morning, knowing that we'd be back in a few days to pack the remainder of his items and clean the place. We returned to the apartment a few days later and I immediately tossed the sheets in the wash, not thinking anything of it. My boyfriend apparently found this behavior highly suspicious because he's now accusing me of cheating.

Right.

He's latched onto the fact that washing those damn sheets was the first thing I did when we got there. I absolutely did not cheat on him. Trust has never been an issue for us, even though we're frequently apart. I suspect this is part of a bigger issue and he is second guessing or moving in together. But how do you get someone to address the actual issue instead of throwing out hurtful accusations? Do you think he's inventing reasons to break up? I'm really hurt by this and I was really excited to be taking these next steps in our relationship and I'd so appreciate your take on it. Thank you. Jessica. 31.

Good luck, Em. That's like nine different directions you can go there.

Well, yeah, here's the thing, Jessica. I love this question again. Cause like I said, we don't get a lot of these issues. Not lately. I don't know why this one seems interesting to me because there's a lot going on here. Okay. You've been together six years and that's kind of a long time. If this is your first blow up, like out of the blue about trust and jealousy. Right. Six years, things are good, and all of a sudden it's the sheets. Right? Not a great sign. But there's two possibilities I've broken it down to. But you know, of course, Anderson, I'm open to your feedback. One possibility. He is the one who's cheating or thinking about cheating like we talked about earlier. And he's projecting and I'm sorry, but this, this is common. I hate to break the news to you for one person who's actually up to no good to kind of call out their partner because they're feeling guilty either for feelings that they have about cheating or they actually have cheated. I hope this is not. I really hope it's not the case, Jessica. But it's worth looking into. Option two. He's kind of freaking out about taking the next step. It's kind of like how people get cold feet before they get married. And he's creating drama to hide the bigger issue that he's fearful of moving in together. So that's what you said. You said. I'm wondering if he's trying to create an issue. And I think that's what it is. And if that is the case, you can work through that together. It's totally normal to have fear. Right. Anderson, when you were getting. Did you have cold feet? You still have cold feet? Just kidding. But, I mean, no.

By the time I finally. I'm a bad example because by the time I finally. I was, like, homeless. When my wife and my now wife and I finally moved in together, I was like a rolling rock. I was just staying in a different place every night, really didn't pay rent anywhere. I was a. I was a. I was a nomad. I love that lifestyle. It was a fantastic lifestyle. But by the time I actually moved in with her, it's like, I knew that it was.

You were ready. Okay. But you had friends who were, like, getting ready to get married, and they were like, oh, God, absolutely.

I get the. I get the cold feet. I can put myself in this guy's mindset. And also, in fairness to him, that is kind of a weird move. If I had any doubts about. Even though it's been six years, but if I had any doubts or I thought maybe she was cheating before this, or I. I had any issues, and then I saw that the sheet move. That is a weird move.

Okay, that's an interesting guy perspective. And I could see that as well. But I don't think that I would if I was in a healthy, stable relationship and my partner, like, was like, I. I thought they were going back to clean everything up. Let's wash these sheets. But I can see what you're saying.

My wife washes the sheets all the time.

I do, too. Like, every three days.

I don't even think twice about it. Usually it's because one of the dogs puked on it, and I don't even think twice.

Stanley doesn't puke.

Yeah, he does. We have three dogs in the bed. One of them almost always pukes.

But. Okay, that's a good point. So that. You're right. Okay. So that could be a point. But she's telling him that she's not. Okay, I believe that she's not. So regardless of the source or what happened, you've gotta have the conversation. You know, you need to sit down, tell him you love him, you're excited that you're in this relationship and that you're moving in together. But these accusations are hurtful and they're actually untrue. And unless he's willing to work with you, the accusations and the mistrust is not gonna get you anywhere.

What about asking him like point blank too? Like, are you doing this because you're freaking out about moving?

You know, ask him. Say, you know, I had a hunch. And here's the other thing. You don't wanna be accusatory. You wanna be. Babe, I've been thinking about this. Like, I'm just wondering, like, how you feeling about us moving in together? Is this. Could this be bringing it up and he can't just shut this down. I mean, he's gotta be honest and willing to communicate. And if he wants to stay together and, you know, he's like, I want to stay together, but I can't quite get my feelings out, then you might need to be. You might be a great candidate for therapy. But if he just keeps resisting and resisting and there's these roadblocks. You know what? You might now put the sheets back on the bed.

Best case scenario, though, you guys work through this.

I hope so.

You end up getting married and when you're old and gray, you still have the little inside funny joke every time she walks.

Every time sheets. Yeah, Anderson, that's so positive. That's so glass half full. I love it. Okay. Hi, Emily, I would love to get your thoughts on being sexually active with your spouse while separated. My wife and I have recently separated, but have agreed to not see other people until we figure out if we want our marriage to continue. I feel that being.

That's like the worst limbo ever.

I feel that being actively intimate with each other will be fun as the day to day husband and wife thing, you know, we've struggled with, won't be a factor. Thanks, Thomas.

What?

There's some.

Wait, they're going from married to buddies.

So here's my problem with this email is that it's. Oh, I want to announce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the thing. They're married. I don't know why they're separating. They're taking a little break. They're moving to separate apartments. And he's excited because I'm Assuming the sex is waned, and they've got issues that, wow, we can, like, date again and we can relive that honeymoon phase and won't that be great? And he wants to know, is that.

Okay, that's half glass full right there.

Yeah. And she's promising. They're saying, I'm not gonna sleep with other people. And, you know, is it a good idea? Well, here's the thing. As long as you guys are truly, like, working on the relationship while you're not together, and you're not just, like, having sex and, like, falling in love again, this euphoric recall, remembering all the great things, I think that it's okay to have, like, physical intimacy. Like, I think that that's totally fine. Helps you reconnect. And oftentimes when you do have space from a partner, not necessarily moving out, but you take a trip away from each other, that can build the intimacy again. You can reconnect. You get the sexual desire back. Because, you know, oftentimes when you absence. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And distance in space could bring that excitement back. But however, if you're just having sex and enjoying that new honeymoon, ride that second swing at the honeymoon, but you're not working on any of those issues, and then you get back together because the sex was so good, Same old thing. It's gonna be a repetition of what you happen. You're gonna. It's a trap. Okay? So we all crave the newness, and it's just not sustainable over time in any relationship. I'm here to tell you, after two years or so in a relationship, it's biology and you're going to need to work on the sex. But just like, I want to make this very, very, very, very clear. If I have not just, like, trauma issues do not go away unless you work on them.

They're treated.

You got to treat them in therapy. Clearly you guys have come to a standstill where you could not work on them. So just taking physical space and not taking that space of, you know, mentally and emotionally working on it, it's not going to heal it. Right. Okay. Squirting, squirting.

I thought that the scoring was gonna end up being the. The sheets one.

You did.

I thought she was gonna be like, yeah, and that's why I had to wash some. Cause I masturbated that night without you, and I scored it all over my sheets. That's why I'm washing them.

I could understand why you'd made that connection.

Yeah, I thought it would be two Birds right there.

Hey, Emily, huge fan of you and your podcast. Also, when you're on Loveline, I listen to your podcast every morning. Trying to catch up.

What is Loveline?

Loveline, it's a show that I do here on the radio. So my question is how to get my wife to be more into letting me use the magic wand on her to make her squirt. We've done it twice now, and the second time she seemed more into it, but her biggest problem with it is she thinks she's peeing when she orgasms. I've argued with her and show her articles that say it isn't urine, but she's dead set on thinking it's full blown urine, thus not wanting me to use the wand to make her squirt. And I love seeing her do it. Is there anything you can do to help us better understand what squirting really entails? Please help us, because I know she really likes doing it, but she's afraid or embarrassed by it and thinks she's peeing. Thanks for the help and I love the show, Bob.

Okay. There's been so much focus on this squirting debate. It's like more than the presidential debate.

It's so disgusting. But just have her eat some asparagus.

It is not disgusting. Here's the thing. Is it pee? Is it not pee? It's a debate. Listen, if it feels good to her and you've expressed how much turns you on, she shouldn't be worrying about if it's pee or not. Because, you know, does it matter? There's too much emphasis on this goddamn fluid con. But let me tell you, you wanna know what it's squirting? Let me break it down for you.

Oh, no. You gonna talk about the Bartholin's gland and all that? Oh, no. It's so unsexual. It makes something so great, so scientificy.

Small amounts of thick fluid sometimes are elicited, secreted during the female orgasm. It happens. And women who squirt, they're simply learning to release one set of muscles while contracting the bladder so they can release a little bit of urine a little during orgasm. So when you're having sex and you have stimulation, what happens is the female ejaculate gets mixed in with the vaginal fluids and lubrication and semen and pre ejaculatory fluid and post ejaculatory. So it's a whole mess of things.

And I don't want to say mess. It's a cocktail of sexual excretions and there is Significant proof that the origin of the fluid is the bladder. And there is some chemical composition that is urine. There's also the perurethal glands, ducts that also have some fluid in there that is not urine. Okay, so bottom line again, if she likes it and it feels good and you like it, what is the big frigging deal if it's urine or not? But if she does not want to squirt for whatever reason, you cannot pressure her and make her do it, because she won't want to do it. She won't want to come around. No woman on this planet likes being pressured into a sexual act. And then it's going to lead to other things, other issues, other problems.

No woman.

Sex is messy. People. Sex is messy, but it's also beautiful. So just get over it. I hate this debate. No, but I understand the debate. And also, here's another thing. Like I would say squirting is a new anal, but I need a new thing for squirting. Because when I first started the show, anal was a new blow job. But squirting with porn, people see it all the time. They want to see the partner squirt every. A lot of men do. So that's the thing. I'm getting the questions. I'm answering it because I love you.

Can pegging be.

Pegging is the new squirting. Maybe when a man gets anally penetrated.

Yeah, you love that so much, I see it in your eye.

I've never. Can I be honest? I'm gonna be honest with you.

Well, you're not very sexually dangerous. You haven't really done much.

I've never pegged a man. I've never worn a strap on and pegged a man.

You haven't lived till you have.

And I always step on every day.

Just a waste of your life.

I'm so busy till you've done.

I have no time for pegging.

No time for pegging. It's on my schedule. Put it on my schedule. So that's what we have time for. Oh, another thing.

Oh, you know what? We should have a contest where a listener wins the get pegged by Em. Get pegged by em.

Not at that desperate.

You're not that expert.

But this is what I want to say. Anderson, you know how y' all write me? Feedbackexwithelmy.com super easy. Now, if you go to the Ask Emily page on our site, you can easily just send it right there through the site. You just go to Ask Emily. Boom, your email gets right sent to our inbox. Also, it's really helpful Again when you subscribe, but also when you review us on itunes and you give us five stars.

Beautiful. Makes em feel good about herself, no?

Yeah. But it also helps. So I can keep doing the show. My goal is to do the show. I'd love to do it every day. I used to.

I don't know why you wouldn't. You kind of do it in your head, right?

Every single day. You're always Emily, taking notes, doing things. It is my life and I love it every 10 plus years. So what else I want to tell you all? Oh, I want to tell you that we're giving away some toys. We got some things going on and that you should, if you're not already, which shocks me, you should follow me on Instagram and Twitter, which is exwithemily Snapchat, Sex with Emily and facebook.com sex with Emily, which is interesting. My Facebook page is going insane. People love it. So I love you there and I love you all and I so appreciate you listening and supporting the show and supporting our sponsors.

Is there such a thing as facialbook.com?

Probably a porn star.

Facialbook.

Would you like to start? Is that where you go?

That'd be pretty sweet.

What's up with you, Anderson? Talk to me about your podcasts.

This comes out. Yeah. So April 23rd at the World famous improv. We're doing a show there. Disaster tomorrow night. That's right. And cinematics this week we covered Nixon and Elvis. You hear about this? Yeah.

Hear about this? Yes, the film.

So, yeah, it's with some stunt cast and you got Kevin Spacey playing Richard Nixon, President Richard Nixon and Michael Shannon, one of my all time favorite actors playing Elvis.

And it's good. It's a good.

I talk about it. But you know what is good is the Meddler. I think you're really gonna like the Meddler. Susan Sarandon plays this old meddling mother from Jersey who's always up in her daughter's business, played by Rose Byrne. And Rose Byrne's like a successful screenwriter who moves out to la. Guess who else moves out to la? Susan Sarandon, the meddler follows her daughter out here and is meddling with her life.

Wow.

It's really good.

You know what I love Anderson about Cinematics? His new podcast. No, it's not new anymore. His amazing podcast.

That's week 16.

Is that, is that it's. So many people are like, what do I watch this weekend? What movies do I see? And then just listen to your podcast.

We cover like a couple, like two, three sometimes four movies that are coming out that Friday. So these movies came out today and we talk about them on this week's cinematics.

Check it out. Okay. Anderson, thank you so much.

Thank you.

And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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