Steamy Showers and Orgasmic Powers

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com once you get there, you can easily subscribe to the podcast and you can check out our blogs, our posts, everything we do is all about you having better sex and relationships. I love when you follow me on social media, connect with me on Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. O and of course, Facebook. And, yeah, download our podcasts. Say hello. Love hearing from you. All that good stuff. Hey, guys. So you know that I like talking about kink, right? I mean, kinky stuff. Cause I'm a little kinky. I have my kinky moments. And I think that kink, even just the word though, is so misunderstood. I think especially with 50 shades of gray and the confusion between, like, what does BDSM mean? Is it about pain? We're like, what does kink mean? And I feel like if we just look at kink and we think, you know what? Kink can be just anything that's not in your comfort zone. And it could just be like, oh, I've never, you know, given my partner a massage. That could be kinky for you. Or I've never put a condom on my partner with my teeth on. Or I've never used a tickler. Maybe you've never blindfolded your partner, or you've never used sensation Play. Like a little feather that. That tickles them and, like, sort of stimulates all their erogenous zones. That's what we're talking about. It's that how do we mix things up? How do we do things different? How do I feel sensations that I've never felt before? To me, that's kink. And everyone gets to decide what it means to them. And I'm so excited to talk to Julie Stewart, who's the owner and president of Sports Sheets, because they just get sex. They understand your body, your desires, and they keep coming up with ways that you can take your sex life to the next level. So let's a take talk to Julie. This is Julie Stewart, the owner and president of Sportsheets. So, Julie, thank you for joining us.

It's a great beyond.

I know, it's so great, but I wanted to jump in because for a second we were trying to call you on the main line. And I have your number because we've known each other. You're an old friend of the show, and we're both from Michigan. The whole thing, I was telling people that, but I opened up my email and my text and the last one I sent you was a Snapchat we did of us. I said, it says, productivity down, thanks to sports sheets. And it was Jamie, who works for me, hanging on the door, jam sex swing on our door. And it was really funny. And you're like, yep, that happens. Because we thought, I know. I was like, that's the last time I talked to her.

Swing out here and put it on a door, everybody. You know, even though we're kind of used to it, if you're walking down the hallway, you have to do a double take.

Exactly. It's amazing. So I was like, that's the last time we talked. So, anyways, thank you for calling in, and I'm excited to have you on. And I just want to say that the reason why I wanted to talk is because the last few months, we, you know, we notice trends, right? We get a lot of different questions, but lately it's been about kink, like, more and more people. Like, what can I do? How do I try kink? How do I spice it up? And it just seems like people are. Make it so difficult. And I'm always like, you guys, it's almost like people are trying to listen to podcasts, and they're like, it's so hard. How do I download a podcast? I'm like, it's on your phone. Google it. It's like, it's a podcast app. Search it and you press play. And I'm like, it's kind of like sportsheets products are the same thing for kink that don't make it so difficult. You don't need to learn all these fancy moves. Like, you guys make it accessible and sexy. So I'm like, you guys just get some handcuffs. Get. You know, so.

Right.

Right.

I think starting easy is always the best because I remember being much, much younger and being kind of new to this, and, you know, you. Maybe you've seen a movie or you get this fantasy and you want to try to act it out and, oh, my God. I remember a particular time with a boyfriend where we tried something, and I was like, that was a disaster. That came out nothing like I thought it would. So, you know, I don't know if we could have talked about it and that would have made it better.

Right? Right. What did you try?

I think that's. They don't want it to go bad. They don't want it to be the last time because it went so bad.

Right.

And we just get so nervous, I think, about sex and something new or that maybe our partner is gonna think we're weird.

For even asking for it. I think that we just overthink the whole thing. Because here's the thing. I think that if people know enough to ask and think about it, that I want to try something kinky. I want to spice it up. Because really it's not that they need a dungeon. Like they just might want to have a blindfold or handcuff. But I think that people are like, it has to be perfect. They overthink it. They just think there's this really scary barrier to entry and sex. You know, it's not perfect. There's nothing about it that's perfect and it's okay. If you trying something new is what makes it so interesting. So you might fail, you might laugh and then you get into it and then you're like, wow, that was really friggin hot. And I think it was right, you know, like, I don't know why we do this. So you guys make it easy. I love your. I just, I'm like, just get some under bed restraints. Like I have them, they're always ready to go and what's the problem? And then tie her up, you know.

Right, right. I think that is it. I think it's a little bit easier now. Maybe in the last five to 10 years, you know, there's more conversation about it. There's women like you that are out there saying, hey, this is okay, kind of giving people permission, even though people have been doing it all along anyway.

Right.

I think when we started 25 years ago, you know, all we had was like Law and Order and Pulp Fiction to go along. When we think about bondage and you know, everybody would say, oh, that like kink back then was like a dirty word. Oh, that's kinky stuff. And I don't even think we know, you know, we knew what we meant back then, but it was just, oh, it's scary, it's not normal. Therefore I'm not going to be associated with that. I'm not going to try that yet. When we look at the numbers, people were definitely trying it. And I think what we discovered was that whole kind of middle of the bell curve where people do just want to try something. They're not maybe going to have a dungeon in their house any day, but they want to keep it exciting and fresh. And that's totally what we're about. Our motto is keeping couples connected. And you know, you've got to keep that spark in a relationship, whether it's new or, you know, a long marriage.

Right. And here's the other thing that I want to say, because I think that kink people, back then, it was misunderstood. And even though people hear about it now, they still don't completely understand it. So what they know is they might be thinking that it's this really scary thing or bdsm, but it's really just about. I think the word kind of is a disservice in some ways, because it's like, no, no, you want to spice it up. You want to keep it interesting. Who doesn't love a blindfold every once in a while? Or like a tickler or, you know, if you've never tried it or like spanked. I mean, there's just little things people don't understand that there could be so much pleasure. And it doesn't have to be this whole crazy thing. So how do you guys.

And I think we get the science of it more now. You know that there's scientific stuff behind why this is sexy and why people get turned up.

Can you talk to me about that? Let's talk about the science for a second. In a sexy way.

Yeah. I think, you know, our brains respond in different ways, especially because our brains are so linked to our sense. Whether it's our skin, sight, taste, smell, or sound, all of that stuff stimulates our brains. And when the brain is stimulated in different ways, it's going to release different chemicals, and then we're going to have different feelings. And we've learned that one of the things that makes touch, whether it's a caressing or maybe a spanking, what that does is it triggers the brain's pleasure senses. So the more touch we have, whether it's just hugs or getting a massage or just rubbing our partner, that's going to release that dopamine. We're going to have that flood of feeling. Good. We know the science says that it reduces stress. It's good for you. So if that's what you get from just touching, imagine when you're connecting, when you're having sex, when you're having oral sex, when you're spanking and you're actually increasing blood flow. I mean, you're really kind of flooding your brain with these sensations that are then just, you know, creating these amazing feelings in your body, right?

And it's more pleasurable and it enhances intimacy. And I think people don't realize that. That it is like the cuddling or it is like sex. It's just. It's just another experience, just another journey on the whole path of, you know, sexual expansion. Like try and discover these new erogenous Zones, like, they're gonna feel amazing. You're gonna feel relaxed. You're gonna have these releases like I've.

Seen in your videos you've talked about. You know, when you close your eyes, when you have a blindfold on, your other senses increase, and we've looked at that too. The brain kind of rewires itself from a stimulus perspective in that now all of your other senses are heightening to try to, you know, kind of figure out what's going on. From an evolutionary standpoint, your brain's on high alert for danger, but that also makes it more exciting, so things sound louder, things feel more intense on your skin when you can't see. And there's. There's science behind that. So, you know, kind of like with so many other sexual myths, when we really look at what's going on in the body, so much of this stuff is normal and even healthy.

Right? Exactly. It's, like, normalize it. That's what I love that you guys do. So tell me how you would start if someone was like, okay, I want to get into kink. I've never. You know, they meet you when you're out. Your job is probably just as difficult to explain as mine, and you have to be like, okay, this is what I do. We go through the same things. Is that.

And they're like, it's so much easier now that I'm older than it was when I was like. I think I was, like, 23 when I started. And it was such a long time ago, you know, I was just terrified to tell people what I did.

No. And we're both from Michigan, so we got that, you know, going over.

Right, right, right.

What's going on with work. Right. It's hilarious. But now, I mean, now. Now it has come a long way. But let's say people. You meet people, and they're like, okay, I kind of want to start. We've been wanting to spice things up, our sex life. You know, sometimes we talk dirty, we watch porn, but we want to do something a little kinky. Where would you tell them to go? I always have my sports sheets, like obsessions, and my recommendations. But I want to hear what you, the founder, owner, would say.

Yeah, I want to hear your go to, too. You know, when I think of, like, a blindfold and a feather or some spankings, to me, that's so. I don't even really think of that as kink. To me, that's more sensation. Although I know for some people who, you know, I'm a little jaded Because I am so used to talking about sex and this stuff is so normalized to me. So I do have to be careful because I forget that, you know, I'm sure you too.

Oh, yeah. All the time I'm like, wait, people don't know this. I'm like, okay, back up, back up. Blindfold, right? That's so funny, right? Okay. It's absolutely true. So you would tell them. Okay, so, right.

Blindfold.

I like the feather.

The tickler or just something we have, you know, the ticklers. We have crops, we have paddles, we have little floggers. But I think anything that isn't your hand is something different, right? So if you blindfold your partner and you're touching them with something different, you don't have to spank. I love to recommend, take a leather paddle and drag it across your partner's nipples or, you know, slightly tap their. Their genitals or you don't have to start with pain. A lot of it is about pleasure, right?

It's pleasure and sensation and something different.

It's like, oh, that's not my partner's hand or mouth. It feels different. That's exciting, right? And then I think you mentioned the under the bed. That's just the go to. It's so easy. You know, it's just restraints under your bed. They wrap around, they're soft. It's not scary, it's not metal. You're in bed, you can be playful and you take turns tying each other up, right? And then it's about providing pleasure and creating excitement and anticipation. And maybe you take a little bit longer than you normally would. Or maybe you tease your partner and you don't push them over the edge quite as soon. You know, you kind of make them wait. They have to kind of submit to you. And there's a trust in that and an excitement because it can be a little frightening as well.

Yeah, it can be, and I feel like it. But again, that's that overthinking thing. It's like you. There's these Velcro. It's Velcro cuffs. You know, when we're saying. Because it was funny because I was talking about them the other day, we had someone call in, and I was like, no, under the bed restraints. And they're like, what? And you're right. It seems like it's this whole thing, but they're, you know, made of the vinyl with the cuffs, you can just tuck them underneath. They're always there. So I'm like, they're accessible. And then you Put the cuffs on. And it's like you just lie back and see what happens. You don't have to be studying how to close a Velcro cuff. Like it's the easiest thing to use. And then you're trying bondage. Because so many women email me. Like, lately they're like, I just want my partner to like, hold my hands over my head. I'm like, well, what if you had these cuffs? Anyway, you guys make it. That's what I love, is that they're always available. It's like even like the lazy person like me, like, they're always under my bed. And the other thing, I'm obsessed. Okay, so sex and you're. Sex in the shower line. I am waiting to get the latest products. I mean, I've been a fan of it for years because you. I mean, who thinks of this? The vibrating mesh sponge is so brilliant. I think I was like talking to health. I got it in some few magazines because I was like, you don't understand. I thought that it was my regular mesh sponge. Cause I have like a few of them and it looks just like the regular ones that you buy, like the poofs. And then I love that it has the vibrator in the middle. So I just truly was using it like my regular one. And then I found out, oh, my God. Bonus. It's the vibrating mesh sponge. I will try this and have an orgasm and get clean. It's just. It's brilliant. So thank you.

It's so discreet and I love that about it. You could have it. You know, your kids aren't going to know what it is. The bullet is so hidden inside. But it's such a strong bullet.

I know.

And you can. You can use it by yourself. You can use it with your partner. It's a great, very great. You know, perfect for the college dorm. I mean, you can take it to the shower. Nobody's gonna know. Once the water's on, you can't hear the vibrations anyway.

Oh, my God. That's. Wait, Julie, that's genius. My niece is going away to school and I'm gonna get her this as a graduation present for the dorms. It's brilliant. I've never even heard that before. Okay.

Yeah. To relieve all the stress of those finals and, you know, starting school.

It's amazing. No, you're right. Cause they have to hide it all. And then the other thing that I love is all the suction cuffs for the shower. Like, how smart is it?

You know, it's great when we look, you Know, people have sex in the shower. We think it's the number two place where people have sex. And we found that people with kids love to have sex in the shower because the shower makes noise. You actually can get some privacy from your kids in the bathroom. And you can get in there and you can be clean. You know, it's a great place for backdoor play because if you're kind of squeamish about clean, do it in the shower. You can wash your hands, you can wash each other. You know, you've got that water to rinse everything away, so you don't have that stress. So we kind of see that for the shower you need lube because that's hard. It's hard to stay wet in the shower. Things dry out. You need leverage. You need something to hold on to. Because who hasn't pulled down a shower curtain rod?

Exactly. There's all these stories like, I got a concussion. I'm like, no, just get these cuffs for your shower.

Yeah, I remember that in college. Like, so embarrassing, right?

Amazing.

You know, lather the whole clean part. Staying clean, feeling clean.

So, yeah. And the other thing about sex in the shower, and then I want to ask you about all the fun products you have coming out. But the wrap up for sex in the shower, is that the reason why it keeps coming up more is because it's summer and it's hot and everyone's like, what do I do? And I'm like, have more sex in the shower and then buy these products for your shower. So if you guys, everyone keeps asking me, that's what you do. Get hot and dirty in the shower. Okay, Julie, so listen, tell me about the new products coming out. I'm so excited.

We're so excited. We've got lots of toys for backdoor play in the shower, which is a great place to experiment with that. We've got a great silicone slapper so that you can have some fun with sensation play in the shower. We've got our existing great handles and footrest. So if you want to try, like the rock climber position where you've got your hand up and your foot up and your partner's grabbing you from behind.

In the shower, you've got all that.

Leverage for great thrusting without breaking tiles or shower heads.

Oh, my God. I don't even know about this one. I used to be a rock climber. I can assume the position.

Exactly. Assume the position.

Wait, you have to get these to me. This is amazing. Okay, what else, what else? Exciting.

And then we've Got different things for different sensation. Like we've got the vibration. We've got some warming liquids. We've got again, the anal stuff. We've got some handcuffs. So if you want to play with some suction cup neoprene handcuffs, there's just a little bit of everything to keep it hot and keep it safe and keep it fun in the shower. Or like you said, it's hot out this summer. Get in there and cool down. Take a nice cold shower and, you know, heat up your insides.

Exactly. I love it. Julie, I remember when I don't even think I knew you yet, but when you guys came out, I was like, this is the most brilliant. Like, because up until that time I was like, I know it's dangerous. Sex in the shower is overrated. And I'm like, no. Now there is a line of toys for to make it better. So it's genius.

It's great fun. It's a great way to connect with your partner or even just with yourself. There's plenty of things that you can use by yourself or with your partner.

Right.

Or with multiple partners.

Exactly. Have an orgy in the shower.

Right? You just need to be in a shower.

Yeah, exactly. Whatever you got to do.

Maybe not at the gym though, Right.

Although it's la. I hear some stories about some, you know, crazy orgies in the gym. You never know. I know. Well, I am excited. I wanted to. And Tom did a great show. If you guys, if people are listening, your brother Tom was on the show and he just told us the whole history, which I love of your company and how it got started. Thank you for joining us today. This is awesome.

It was great. Thank you so much for having me. I always love catching up with you.

I know, me too. And I'm going to see you soon. We're going to hang out and you're going to show me all the toys and we're going to take some great videos so people can see what's coming up.

Excellent.

Okay, thank you so much, Julie. I'll talk to you soon. Bye. I love talking to Julie from SportsSheets and if you're not inspired now to go out and get like a vibrating mesh sponge so you can have an orgasm and be hang out in the shower. I think it's a good one. But also I didn't even get to talk to her about her positioning straps. If you guys, Tom was on the show who also who's her brother, but he talked about like the G spot link and doggy style straps which again, they're always innovating. If you haven't found a G spot yet or you want a mix of your doggy style, you just got to check out all their cool products. So thank you, Julie. That was awesome. If you guys want to know more, click on the sports sheets banner on my site and send me any questions you have.

So, you guys, we are going to be taking your calls here. So we've got Nancy. She's 26 from North Carolina, and she wants to talk about increasing her libido and intimacy when she's dealing with a partner's illness. Hi, Nancy.

Hi.

Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling in. Tell me how I can help you today.

The reason I'm calling is my husband and I, we've been married for. Been a little over two years now, and we've always had a really great, amazing sex life. But my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple years ago, right before we got married. And since then, he's had surgeries, he's gone through radiation, and he's still currently doing chemo. And he's just. He's gone through so much, and he's still going through so much. So I feel really selfish and insensitive for even feeling like this, but I really miss having sex with my husband. I mean, we went from sex seven or eight times a week to maybe once or twice a month. And our lives now are just starting to get back to normal. And I really want to talk to him about what we can do to maybe improve or.

Just start up again, maybe get back to where we were. But the main reason we haven't been able to do it is seizure medications has completely affected his libido. It completely blocked it.

Right.

So I want to find a good reason, like, good way to broach the subject without making him feel like I'm not happy or there's something wrong. I mean, he's my best friend.

Right.

Of course.

Well, my heart goes out to you both, and I'm sending much love your way because it's not easy to. It's not easy at all to handle. He's been going through this for a few years now.

Yes.

Okay.

He had the initial surgery to remove the tumor. It's gonna be three years ago.

Okay. I mean, so it's really common. I mean, that the medications and the chemo and the radiation are gonna have a devastating impact on his sex life right now and his libido and everything. And so I understand that you're feeling. Of course you've been there for him, but it's okay. Like, so I wouldn't beat yourself up that you're feeling desire and that you wanna be with your husband and have sex with your husband. You love him. The last thing I want is for you to beat yourself up and feel like you're not being a great wife right now. I think what we're talking about is, of course you want to have sex with him, but right now, you know, he's recovering, and so I would think the conversation would be about how to kind of just enhance your intimacy even without intercourse right now, but start with, like, the. The cuddling and the kissing and massage and connecting again in that way. I'm not sure how much of that you've been doing. Can you let me. Can you tell me about that part? Yeah.

I mean, we're. We're the couple that never got over our honeymoon phase where always holding hands and kissing, we make people want to throw up.

It's just.

He's the love of my life. I know that it's completely stupid of me to even think this, but it's just. And I know. I know that it's the medication, but it's like I'm starting to maybe take it a little personally.

Oh, okay.

I know that it's not the case. I know 100% it's not the case, but it's just. I don't know, it's starting to get to me.

Oh, honey, I understand. Have you had any therapy to talk to anyone about how you've been feeling these last few years? I'm sure you've been taking care of them and had to put a lot of your life on hold.

Yeah, I mean, we're.

We're both.

Luckily, our careers are both pretty open, so we have a lot of flex time, and he was going through a little bit of depression when he was first diagnosed, so we've been through therapy on and off for that, but we haven't. I haven't really gone one on one and talked.

I think it's really important because I know that, you know, being the spouse and having to take care of you think like, that you're not making time for yourself because you just feel like that would make you feel selfish and it's wrong. And I feel like right now more than ever, you really do need to take care of yourself because there's been a lot going on. I mean, emotions and it's scary. You know, he's your best friend. He's your. He's your husband, he's your. He's your lover. And so, and he's recovering right now, which is great. And you guys are gonna have, you know, a great life together moving forward. But right now I feel like it's gotten to the point where you're feeling a little bit even resentment and a little bit rejection, even though you know it's not really true and you know it's not rational. And I love your self awareness. I have to say that you, you really, you're a good person and you're loving and the fact that you're even self aware of this is amazing. And I feel like it's not even so much about the sex as it is about you accepting yourself right now and understanding really what's been going on with you because you probably haven't any time to feel your own emotions because you've been the caretaker and this hasn't been an easy time.

Our biggest issues right now, we, he, we have an 11 year age difference between us. We met when I was in my early 20s and he always, I mean it was love at first sight, so it wasn't really that big of a thing. But he's always thought that 20s are for having fun and one night stands and just getting that all out of your system until you want to settle someone. So he kind of feels that me taking all this on and dealing with all this, it's kind of, I guess ruined my 20s.

But he tells you this, he thinks this or you think he thinks? No, he thinks okay, and it's not true. How do you feel?

Every time I subject he's a little, he becomes a little sad because he says that I shouldn't have to be going through all this. But I mean, if I were to go, if I, if I had to go through any of this, it would be with him.

Right? Okay, so you guys are both really in love with each other. And I feel like what's going on is that you both have like this guilt, you both love each other so much much that you're really both feeling guilty. You know, you're feeling guilty that you're not doing enough. He's so worried about you losing your twenties and you're worried about him having sexual pleasure right now and being happy again and realizing that you know how much you love him and you guys are going to be okay and you are going to get through this. And it sounds like he's in recovery right now.

There's not really a term, you're never really in remission from brain cancer.

Right.

But he's still, he's still going through Chemo.

So right now it's very uncertain. You really don't know what's going to happen. And so I really do feel like this is the time for you to get. To get therapy or for you both to go back in a couple's therapy now, because I feel like we've. You've got the guilt and the shame and the worry and the fear and all around this that I think that there's insecurities building up and resentments that you might not be able to break through this without getting, you know, help and a way to navigate this. And I know there's like, a lot of treatments available in the hospital, too, for patients and for family. And there's like, courses they teach to classes you can go in, teaching about sexuality and how to touch again and what, you know, the impacts of the medication, all that. Like, have you. Have you looked into any of those resources?

We've gone and we've tried to switch up the medications, but that hasn't worked. We haven't really gone back to therapy in a while, just basically because he's not really in a depressed state anymore. It was more towards the initial shock of the diagnosis.

I feel like you have to slow everything down right here. You don't have to solve everything. And I think just having a talk with him about it and saying, God, I really love connecting with you. What about, like, mutual masturbation? I mean, maybe not with the magic wand, but you could start with like, some couples toys because, you know, give them a massage and really reconnecting with each other's bodies using some like, you know, feathers or ticklers and just getting sensation back and connection, which will heighten your adrenaline and will, you know, connect you guys, I mean, through. Even if you have an orgasm, you know, through the cortisol, like, you kind of need that spike right now. You need that intimacy and you need that connection. I don't even know if it has to be a big conversation. Do you think you'd be open to that even if you just started and say, you know what? I just want to connect with you again, like, I want to touch you or I want to masturbate and look at you and look into your eyes? I mean, what if you just started small with some. A few things like that to kind of reconnect on an intimate level?

I think that might work.

Okay.

I don't think you'd be into a conversation. I think the conversation would just end up in a different conversation.

Right.

But I think that was a little more lovey.

Dovey towards him. He needs that. Yeah. I think that you both need that connection again. And we forget. It's like you're in your head because you're worried and you love him and you're thinking, what can I do? And, you know, a lot of times we try to figure out sex problems in our mind, in our head, when really it's like, how does your body feel when you're sitting there and you look at him and you come home tonight and you think, you know what? I just want to touch you. I want to hold you. Like, I want to give you a massage and have some warm oil and just look at you and connect. And probably fewer words and more touching, because if you guys start. Yeah, that's what you gotta do. Okay.

Yeah.

So I'm sending love to you. Please take it slow. Baby steps. You don't have to solve it all right now. And whenever you're in your head worrying about the next step, I would just try to get into your body and connect with them. And I'm sending you both a lot of love.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Thanks, Nancy. Bye. I'm so glad that Nancy called in, because I think a lot of us can relate to having crisis in our relationship or, you know, someone gets sick or, you know, get a family member and someone we love. And it's really. Can be challenging on so many levels, and we're not taught how to deal with it. So we think, okay, I'm there for my partner, but everything else should be working out in our lives. No, I mean, that's trauma in your life, and that's change, and that's, you know, she's going through transition, and it's confusing, and there's a lot of emotions involved. So I think by taking baby steps and taking care of each other and not trying to make it all better at once when things are rough and we're really struggling to put our sex lives back on track, sometimes we have to take our sex lives off the table and say, you know what? We don't have to have intercourse right now, but what we can do is cuddle, connect, massage, look into each other's eyes and go back to those. Those roots of that early connection that you had and just kind of, you know, you got to stoke the fire of intimacy as well. And so that's what you just gotta do here. Sending love. Okay, we've got Jack. He's 29 from Fort Worth, and he has some questions about dating a bisexual girl and dating straight women and some differences between the two I can imagine. Hi, Jack, how's it going?

Thanks so much for taking my call.

Thank you so much for calling in. Let's talk about this. Tell me everything.

So I was dating a girl that was bisexual, long distance for probably about a year. Really great relationship. But, you know, distance made things really tough. So I ended up moving on to kind of other girls. But we were, you know, really open. Open and honest about everything. And there wasn't really anything that was hidden or insecure, you know, or sexual wants. And so I started dating this other girl that I've been with now for about a year and a half and she's a lot more, you know, possibly inexperienced. She hasn't dated a lot. She only dated one guy all the way through college. So I'm probably only her second, you know, long term boyfriend ever, despite being in her mid-20s. So there's a lot of dysfunction kind of where we just don't. We're not open about what we want sexually at all. Usually due to like judgment or she gets kind of upset when I bring up kind of risque stuff or talk about other girls at all. So I just didn't know if you had any advice for, you know, getting things out in the open more. It's really tough to go from a girl who's pretty much open to everything, you know, to more. A little repressed.

Yeah, exactly, that's. That's quite a leap there. And we tend to do that sometimes in relationships. We break up with someone and then the pendulum swings way in the other direction because we're like. Because maybe there was something about that past one that you might have wanted a woman. I don't know what you were looking for the next one. But the point is our challenges tend to, tend to go back and forth so we can learn from them. So here's the deal. If she, she doesn't have a lot, she hasn't had a lot of partners. And I heard some kind of, I heard some judgment in that from you. Just like she's only had two partners and she's in her mid-20s. And I just want to say that's kind of normal. That can be sort of. I hate using the word normal, but typical from what I'm hearing a lot these days. This is a woman that you found in your attracted tour. You've been with her for over a year, you said.

Yeah, about a year and a half.

Okay, a year and a half.

So she's great. And about every other aspect because that's the one thing that's been kind of holding us back.

Right. Well, sex is big that often. Right? Well, here's the thing. This is what I always say about sex. People say, emily, sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. I'm like, no, no, it's not the most important thing. But when there's a problem with sex, it takes up, like, 90% of your problems. So even in the relationship, you know what I'm saying? Like, if you don't have an issue, you don't have an issue. If your sex life is great and you guys are communicating, but the fact that you're not being. Your desires are not being fulfilled sexually by this partner, it's a problem. So, yeah, everything's great. And you guys love hanging out, and you're best friends, and your family loves her, and you see yourself having six children with her. If you're not enjoying the sex and you're not on the same wavelength, it's gonna take some work. All I can say is that if she, you know. Have you ever talked to her about sex?

Not often. She gets a little bit. You know, like I said, it's a touchy subject.

Right.

She's. She had some, you know, issues growing up that she doesn't like talking about it that much. And there's just a lot of jealous.

She's had some abuse. She's had some abuse. Sexual abuse?

Not sexual. I think physical. From her dad.

Okay.

So there's just already a little bit of touchiness there. She thinks I was, you know, reckless and on the bad side when I was in college just because I was with a handful of girls, didn't have one constant partner the whole time. And so it's just a really tough subject to bring up. And so to go from a girl who was comfortable bringing in other girls for the bedroom to, you know, her, it's. It's tough bringing anything up at all.

Right, so it sounds like. Okay, so there's a lot of things going on here, and I'm thinking, what. What do you love about her? You think she's the one?

Her intelligence, her beauty, her. You know, she has a great, huge heart. We have a lot of common interests. There's so many different things about her that make her a 10.

Mm.

So, yeah, I hope she's the one.

Well, I hope so too. So here's the thing, Jack. Have you guys ever had sex that you would, you know, that was satisfying, pleasurable for her?

Yeah. I mean, she orgasms every time, and so do I, but it's very vanilla I would say.

Right. And so, see, okay, so there's a few things. If she's had some abuse or she's got. Even if it wasn't sexual abuse, but she's got some stuff going on with her dad and childhood. That's stuff that, if you think that's tied into her sexuality in some way or her sexual desires actually do, this kind of thing is. Right. So if you know this, it's not anything, Jack, no matter how much you love her and talk to her, that you're going to be able to heal for her. She's going to have to do some. Some work, some therapy, because this, you know, trauma doesn't heal itself, unfortunately, over time. The longer it goes, the. The more it exacerbates. So she's not going to be open to talking about it. She has unresolved trauma in her life. Okay, you got it. And if her dad was a player and she's kind of like she has jealousy issues because of her dad, and you're saying, you know, she's jealous of you, it's like that's another layer. And all the things that you've told her about your past, that's why I always say more mystery, less history. You don't have to tell her about your crazy college days, but we all do that. I get it. People ask us and we tell, but then it comes back. It comes back to our face. So I feel like every couple, it's your duty. If you're together, you can blame it on the show. You're listening to the show that you guys need to talk about sex. I mean, it's important. And you can just say to her, I really feel like I want to have this deeper connection with you where I feel like you are having as much pleasure and I'm having pleasure as possible. I want to feel connected to you. And then you might have to explain to her what that means. Like, if she thinks, well, God, Jack was with all these chicks in college. He wants me to be bisexual, and he wants me to be, you know, walk around with, like, I don't know what, like a collar on. I mean, she might not know what you're even into, and so it might scare her. And so the conversation would have to be, do you ever fantasize about anything? Is there anything that you think about when you're, you know, does she master. I don't know if she masturbates, but does she have any fantasies or, like, let's make a sex bucket list and trade of, like, things that we could try this summer when we're on a road trip, you know, kind of make it a discussion that you guys have. But I'm not sure she's there, so she might shut you down, right?

Yeah, I know she doesn't masturbate on her own.

Okay.

You know, I try to get her to do some adventurous stuff, but I'd like to open the door to that. You know, that's a gateway, possibly, to, you know, being more open sexually. I'm. You know, I'm willing to try anything.

Right. Well, I think it's just a. It's. It's literally a light, casual conversation at a time that you're not. You're not in the bedroom, you guys are hanging out, you're having dinner, and you're like, I really love you. I want to connect with you. Intimacy and sex is really important to me. You in no way want to shame her, make her feel bad that she's not pleasing you. Tell her you love being with her. It's so hot. And I thought we could, you know, talk about what else we could do because sex is so important and see what she says. And if she just shuts it down, you might not be able to get her to talk right now in this point in her life, but you got to try. You also have to pay attention to her actions and her words and see if you think there's going to be a change. And if not, you might have to make a tough decision, Jack.

Okay. Well, I really appreciate the advice. Yeah, I know that goes. You know, when you're not satisfied, that can lead you to stray in other parts. And so I think about the ex a lot because she's the last one who probably truly satisfied me, and so I don't want to go down that route. Even so, I think I need to fix things or.

Yeah, you got to fix it first. And if you really put the effort in, you really say, you know what? I took the time in. You know, we went to therapy, we talked about it, we tried doing things, and it's just not working. Then, you know, you try, but, you know, you got to put a limit on it, too. Like, I'd give it like, six months and be like, I'm gonna try really hard for six months, see if I can have some movement. If not, you know, you reassess. But good luck to you, Jack. Thank you so much for calling in. Let me know how it goes.

I really appreciate it.

Of course. Sending love. Bye. Okay, Jack, I think a lot of us can relate to this, right? Everything's amazing, but the sex is a problem. What are we gonna do about it? And I understand you guys in these relationships, here's how it could go. Jack, I understand that she's beautiful and she's smart and she's everything that you want. She's a 10. But the sex, right? If the sex isn't working for you guys, you got to try it. I understand you're going to talk to her about it and help her get therapy. That will be huge. And then pay attention. If she's not willing to go to therapy and the changes don't happen. Sex is important. And so you're going to have to take care of yourself. And you might have to say goodbye. So remember, sex matters. Okay, we've got Scott, he's 36, he's from New York and he's got some masturbation questions. Hey, Scott.

Hey, how are you?

I'm wonderful. Great to talk to you. Let's talk about masturbation. Let's talk about masturbation. Tell me what's going on. It's my favorite subject, one of them.

So, yeah, I just had a question because like the first time it happened, it happened by accident. And basically I was in bed beside my wife and, and was having some fun by myself because she was sleeping, not in the mood. And all of a sudden it was closer than I thought it was. And instead of trying to come all over the covers, I just squeezed it so it wouldn't come all over the sheets and stuff. And then I noticed that it didn't come out at all. So I was like, oh, that was actually kind of cool. So I've done it again since then and I've done it here and there since then and never had any issues with it. But I wanted to know if that causes any problems.

You know, it really doesn't. I mean, I have to say that this is actually a process. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculating and men can also ejaculate without having orgasm, which is much rarer. So there's a lot of men who are trying to become multi orgasmic or men who are premature ejaculators. And it's a practice that they go through. So it actually is healthy. There's nothing wrong with it. And you'll probably find that you have more sexual energy. Right? Like holding it, holding it in and like not not letting yourself ejaculate can kind of give you still a great satisfying sensation because you're not going over but you're still holding inside. Right. So I think that it's actually a practice for. A lot of guys would like to do this and they talk about doing it, but it is a practice and it's healthy. Unless you start feeling, experiencing any pain at all, which doesn't sound like it, right?

Yeah, no, no pain at all. I just, I get the pleasure of an orgasm, but not all the work of the cleanup. And yeah, it's nice.

Okay, good.

So you think that that could be a path towards, towards multiple orgasms as well, though?

I mean, yeah, there's a lot of men that do this, do this practice because they learn this through sex therapy. And there's like a squeeze technique. Like when you're doing your Kegel exercises too. It helps you do Kegel exercises. It help men's like, learn ejaculatory control. And it's kind of like this for a lot of men. They start having sex, they start masturbating and then they stop. You know, you stop and you kind of go down by squeezing the base of your penis when you feel ejaculations like about to occur. And then you just kind of let those sensations subside and you start over and you repeat the cycle. And there's a way that you go up and down, up and down, and then you still don't have to ejaculate. But there's a way to kind of understand your body's rhythms and you could learn to be a multi orgasmic. I feel like if you're doing it and it feels good, there's a lot of guys who like email me and they like want to experience it and they're like, I don't have the time. I'm like, listen, it's a practice, right? And it's, it's worth it because it feels good. So I think this is a good example, Scott, for everybody. There is a book, the Multi Orgasmic man, and some other resources that I will actually attach in the show notes.

Awesome.

Okay, awesome.

Well, I guess I know what I'm going to try tonight.

Okay, good, good, good, good. Let me know how it goes. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, keeping the sheets clean and having new sensations. Yeah, you're welcome. Bye, Scott.

Thanks. Have a great day.

You too. It's interesting because I do hear from a lot of men, like, what's with multi orgasms? Like, how can it work? And yes, women typically are multi orgasmic. You know, even more than that, we can have several orgasms. For men, your refractory period is a lot longer. And it, you know, yes. It takes a while. And guys think, well, I'm older now, or I can't get hard three times like I did in my 20s. But it's actually a practice. You actually can do anything you set your mind to. It's just like becoming good to the gym. You guys are like, oh, if I went to the gym once a month and lifted weights, you probably wouldn't see a result. If you go a few times a week, you're going to see results. It's the same thing with these masturbatory practices that we talk about. So doing the edging and learning your body better for men and for women will come back in spades. You might be having multiple orgasms where you know it. So I love that he's already doing that naturally. Scott, that's great, you guys. There's no end to your pleasure. Our next call is Lauren. She's 22 from Florida. And there's an age difference that's turning out to be a problem in our relationship. Let's talk about it. Hey, Lauren. Hey, Emily.

How are you?

Hi. I'm good. How are you? Thanks for calling.

I'm good.

Thanks. Thank you. Absolutely.

Thanks for having me on the show.

Of course. Let's talk about this. Tell me everything.

So, yeah, there's a bit of an age difference, which doesn't really bother me. That's more like something that I'm into. It turns me on. I've never really had, like, a memorable experience with someone in my age bracket or even, like, my remote age bracket, so I just tend to go older. But I've come across and, like, I haven't been just as a little bit older, but it's not like a big deal, but, like, I know what I want for my future, and I want to be a wife, and I want to be a mom. So, of course, then the conversation of kids comes into play. And, like, in this situation specifically, I've pondered this idea for a few years, but I've never really been in school and I've been busy. So, like, I haven't really given it much thought. Not that I'm trying to have kids tomorrow by any means, but just kind of like something that.

Yeah, you know, you want kids. You're 22. Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. Right.

But not.

I mean, not tomorrow, but yeah, right, right.

But you want kids. You're 22, and he's. What? How old is he?

He's 39.

He's 39. Okay. He's 40 and you're 22.

He has one. He has one child.

She's 12.

And he's kind of just like, you know, I'm just too old to have kids. Like, he doesn't want to have any more, which is kind of upsetting, and not just specifically for him, but just, like, in general. Like, I feel like other girls that are in my situation are like, you know, this is super bummer, you know? So I was just wondering, like, is there any tips you could give me and to, like, maybe open up this conversation more and, like, help someone be more. How long have you guys had the idea?

Okay, so he's 39, and he's got one kid, you said, Right. And how old?

She's 12.

She's 12. Okay. And you? And he says, I absolutely. And how long have you guys been together?

Not very long, but we just clicked really well. We had really good chemistry. I mean, like, the sex is very unbelievable. Like, it's amazing. And so that's why I think now I'm thinking of these things more than I have before in the past, because I've never met someone that makes me feel this way.

You know, I get it.

So I'm not gonna, like, force someone to have kids with me. You know what I mean?

Right.

But I feel like just some tips to, like, open up the conversation and.

Help it flow a little better to.

Okay, so I know. I get it, and so have you. You've already brought it up, and it didn't go well. He's like, I don't want kids.

I mean, it's not that it didn't go well. We had a discussion.

Got it.

Good discussion. You didn't shut it down. But, I mean, I don't think.

But you want to. Okay, I see. So you want to figure out if he. If he might be open to it, but open it in a way that's kind of casual. This is my advice always. You don't want to be like, we need to talk. I want kids. You might not want kids. What are we going to do? Ah, no. So you want to just be like, you know, I'm so loving our time together. This is so hot. This is great. And I. You know, you're such an amazing dad. If he is. Does he seem like. Like a great dad?

Yeah.

And you can just let him know that, you know, I. I know we've kind of talked about this, but I know that I definitely want kids. And, you know, you said you weren't sure. How do you feel about it? Really? Like, do you think that you would want kids?

Well, and, like, the Thing is, and what we've talked about it a few times and like, that's kind of what I said is like, look, we're having a really good time together. I really want to enjoy the time that we have together now. If it's not going to work out in the long run, like, it is what it is, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. But.

And what do you say to that?

I just.

And I mean, we agree, but it's like we don't really want to see an end, you know, but at the same time, it's not something that I want to give up. It's something that's really important to me. I love kids, you know, I want.

To have my own kids.

Lauren, listen, you've been together less than a year. You're 22, he's 39. He's already has a 12 year old. You guys are in such different places right now. And you're 22 having the best sex of your life with him. And let me tell you, you will have such amazing sex with, with other partners. I think maybe going a little bit older is great, especially as a woman. You know, men take longer to mature. In some ways they learn about sex later. And I think you're having your first amazing sexual experience because you actually, guys you were dating were 22, like, couldn't even find your clitoris. I get it. But there's more men out there like this who will be more age appropriate. You'll be on the same wavelength, you'll be going through the same things in life and he's going to want children. You don't want to have to have these conversations early on in a relationship. I mean, as far as trying to convince someone against what they already want to do, I mean, you could keep talking about it with him, but if he's already said he's not sure, and I'm worried about the age difference, like, I don't think you're going to be able to convince him. And I want you to separate the.

Amazing sex more like in a broader sense. Like, not just him specifically. I know what I like, and I like men in an older age bracket.

Okay.

The likelihood of me dating someone that is my age, even close to my age, by like 10 years is not likely.

Okay, so you could date someone who's like 35, who's like, yeah, I have a kid, but I can't wait. I really definitely want to have another kid because being a father has been an amazing, you know, gift in my life. But if he's kind of like, nah, I'm not sure. I don't think so. Probably doesn't. Probably. I mean, right? But you could find out more. But I'm telling you, he's not the last guy on the planet who is 10 years older than you who's gonna want to have kids with you. Believe me. You sound really.

I've never, like, clicked with someone quite this way. And I felt this way. And like, everything, it's just great. Like, the sex is great, the conversations are great. His humor is great. He's great. So it's like, wow, this is awesome. Let's see if this could work.

You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I totally get it. And okay, listen, I don't mean to say, like, you should dump him. You should, like, if he doesn't want to do it. But you're saying. No, I'm saying that you should have these honest conversations because you also don't want to pressure him. But you're saying it's about. Not just about this guy, you're saying it's about any guy. And I also think that it can. Even if guys want kids. So let's say this. I'm just saying a. Dating in general, you know what you want. But when you first go out with a guy, like, early on, I think that to say, like, the first date, like, if you don't want kids, you're out. Like, I think that you just want to get to know someone on the first few dates. Okay. Like, it's totally okay to mention that, but.

Right.

Because guys, even. Even if you're like, I want a relationship and I want kids, it'll scare guys and vice versa. If a guy said that to me, even if it's what I wanted, I'd be nervous. But. So I'm just saying you want to get to know them. You want. But this is with this guy. You've been dating him for a while now. The sex is amazing. But you also, you know, you also want to enjoy your life and know that you're in a relationship that could go somewhere. So you do have to find out this answer. And it would have to be without shaming him, making. Making him feel bad, but really just opening up and saying, have you ever thought about, you know, so when you think about having kids again, how does that make you feel? Like, just casually, I mean, just really just ask him in a way that's not threatening and without pressure. And if he's just like, yeah, I thought about it. I really don't think so. Then you'll know. But, you know, why don't you give it another month, another two, and just see if nothing changes in three months. I think it's really important in relationships that, like, don't have, like, a major problem, you know? But you're like, it's good, but, I don't know, you got to give yourself a deadline because you'll look up and it'll be three years, and you'll be like. He told me when I was 22 that he didn't want kids, and I'm 25. So I would say if in three months from now, write this on your calendar. Three months from now, there's no change, you're not sure, and you don't have your answers, then it's time to move on.

Right?

How's that? You've three months to get the answer from him.

That might be easier said than done, but.

Well, I mean, I just. Okay, well, I think that you. I don't think so. I actually don't think it's easier said than done to kind of have an active conversation about something that's really important to you. You gotta.

Let's.

Good practice.

Sure.

Yeah. It's good practice to talk about what you want. It doesn't have to just be kids. I mean, are you. You're having an amazing sex. I'm just trying to give you perspective. I'm not saying he can't be the one for you, but you're 22. A guy is, like, ravishing your body and giving you orgasming, understanding orgasms, and he's understanding what you like, and he's, like, reading your body language, and he's turning you on. And that's really hot when that happens, because it doesn't happen all the time. And it probably hasn't happened to you ever. So I just want you to separate the amazing sex from the guy. Like, these are experiences you could have. Again, I'm not saying I don't know if he's the one. Yes or no. But you can have these experiences again and just pay attention to that, because you'll find that right. Okay. Thank you, Lauren. Let me know what happens. I think it's good at deadlines. Stick to it. Okay. Bye, Lauren. Lauren brings up a great point. Who can relate to this? Look at your relationship right now, and is there a problem you've been having? And you're like, oh, my God, it's been a year and he still has a. Stop drinking. Or she still hasn't made time for me on the weekends when I want to see her or our sex hasn't gotten better. I think that life goes by and you can spend half your relationships trying to get out of them. So setting deadlines and saying, you know what, this is how I feel now and three months from now I want to feel this way. And you write that down because then over the next three months you have little mini goals. Well, I want to talk to my partner about this and I want to make sure that we, you know, have a threesome by Tuesday. You know, whatever it is, set minor goals and you'll make big progress. I love talking to you guys. These calls are great. Please everyone remember to go to our website. Go to the askemily page and then you can fill out the form. You can check if you want to be called. You can also text us 797-979-text Ask Emily one word. Can't wait to hear from you. And thanks everyone for following us on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. I'm all up in that stuff. Exexwithemily and thanks for shopping with us and hanging out. I I love you all. Thank you for listening to the show. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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