Stop, Drop & Cuckold

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man e here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Ow. Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check everything out at sex with emily.com. have you been there Lately, it is awesome. You can also comment and subscribe on itunes or wherever you listen to the show. We love that. And you can find our podcasts everywhere. You can also find me on social media. SiriusXM radio stars. It's channel 109 and I'm there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific. And wow, is it fun. You guys can call in, ask your questions instead of emailing your questions. Ask your questions 889-478277. You can just go. But if you. And if you want a free trial, you're like, I don't have Sirius. Check it. It's sexdelmly.com sxm you're gonna like it. And as always, all social media. Xemily, because it's awesome. We love when you follow us there. We like communicating with you there too. You can send us messages. You can say hello, you can slide into my DMs. Alright guys, I hope you enjoy the show. I'm gonna break down some fantasies for you. Just one tonight. But I. In this continuing education that we do here on the show, it's fun to kind of highlight.

A fantasy every now and then.

Mm.

So this one is called cuckolding and it's been around for a very long time. What is this? It's like cuckolding is essentially when a penis owner or a man. But we're trying to be more. Can we.

You can gender specific.

You can be fine trying to be more gender neutral here for people. You know, a penis owner gets off on seeing their partner have sex with another penis owner, usually one that's larger and mostly has to do with the humiliation aspect of the other person being able to give more pleasure. So an example might be like you really want to see your wife. You love seeing your wife having a lot of pleasure, so much so that you want to see someone else give it to her. Someone that maybe can do it more than you can. Like maybe he's even a greater lover. And there's something up being the observer and not the person involved that just turned you on. There's certain taboo aspect to it, you know, and maybe your wife's giving you the go ahead and you found someone who agreed to do this. And while the new person is having sex with their wife, you're staring at her, she's staring at you, she's vocalizing how amazing this person is making her feel. And that's kind of what the fantasy is. That's part of it. So there's, there's some reasons why this is popular and it's also become gained some popularity recent years in the gay community, which it wasn't as much so because gay men don't have much of restrictions around monogamy. Like as far as like people in gay relationships tend to have more open. Tend to have, you know, more partners. So it's not as taboo. It's like lifelong monogamy isn't essentially a thing as much. But there's something under the umbrella of cuckolding for about like fantasies and voyeurism and group sex that can also reach in the gate. Cuckolding like with your partner and kind of include all of all of those things. So here's why though it's popular, like there's a lot of reasons the humiliation taboo.

It's taboo. It is taboo. Right. I mean that's a lot of our fanning have to do with doing something that we're not supposed to do. Right. So for heterosexual couples that can kind of break the whole non monogamy thing. Because monogamy is our standard here and we all think that we should just be monogamous. But to kind of think, well it's not really cheating or it's not really. It still is monogamy. If I'm in the room and I'm watching for same sex couples.

Done.

Yeah. More about group sex and voyeurism and so cuckolding there's something. Usually it just means that there is some humiliation, degradation, denial aspect to it, whether it's in our minds or something said aloud by our partner. So that's what it is. And here's my tips for it. Because this is 58% of men it said have this fantasy in like 20 something percent of women. So it's common. I thought this and we've had a lot of calls about this on the show and people even have this fantasy and they feel some guilt about it or shame or that it's really wrong. But the truth is like couples who have actually practiced this, have had healthy. Have healthy sex life and have reported that it actually was really when it went down well, it was executed well and there was positive side effects to it. But so first you guys talk about beforehand. You might think you have this fantasy. More people than you think have this fantasy. But. But for some it's a fetish which means that like you have. It's required each time you have sex. So you got to discuss it. You got to be like, it's just thing I want to try out or let them know what part of it like what you think it means to you and how it would go down setting boundaries and understand why you're asking for it, why you want it the best you can. Because the more you understand it and the more you don't filter yourself. If you actually have gotten up the courage, which I hope you do, to talk to your partner about any fantasy, that's not the time to be like.

I want to try cuckolding. And then she said to your wife and she goes, well, what do you picture? What's the person look like? And you've thought about the man's penis and what it looks like, but at that point you decide to shut down. And then you left her scrambling for the detail. It's like, if you're going to talk about it, talk it through in great detail, in depth. What does it look like to you? Because I think this is why a lot of sex conversations with our partners, we try and we're like, it doesn't go anywhere because we say it. We really need to have more sex. And then, and then. Okay, what should we do? Well, let's just put our calendar and then you don't do anything else. Like there has to be a lot more discussion, a lot more work involved and don't do it. Listen, you don't want to do it because like, let's spice ourselves, you know, let's spice this up. Let's invite over some dude to have sex with us. No, like you don't do any of these things. Or a threesome or have a child to make. To spice up your sex life.

No.

Or to keep you. I always say child because people used to always say like, oh, you're a kid to make things better between the two of you. So don't use it to spice it up. And make sure that you're always using protection. You guys, you got a protection and you got to have an exit strategy. You want to have condoms on hand. Make sure the person's joining you has been tested. Have a safe word. All the rules I have for bringing in another person or a few people into your relationship and like know what it's going to look like after. Like what? What you know is the person leaving. Are you guys, you have to do some kind of aftercare with your partner to feel more intimate again with each other.

So I think that's something that people don't think about enough.

Would aftercare after.

Cuz like I've always thought about. So when. So it's done, the complete completion has happened.

Yeah.

So what happens next?

You're like, your Uber will be here in two minutes.

Yeah. Like, how do you. Is there a way?

No. I mean, you have to decide. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I guess I've always wondered, like, when we. Especially in these kinds of situations. So this is like a couple looking for a third. So obviously the couple are very invested in themselves and the third is like the person that's coming in to aid and some way. But I always think about, like, how does the third person feel?

Right. Well, I think that if you do it in a healthy way, no matter if it's a threesome or cuckolding or swapping, whatever, you have to like, talk all of this through and you want to know the person enough. Like, if it. Let's say it's someone you're like, let's say you've decided. Because here's the thing, James. It's different every time you bring someone in. Like, you might have. Let's say there was a third and you all had drinks together before your went to dinner or something. You met up before and you're like, I actually like this person.

Maybe it'd be hot to like, take a hot tub after and just have a few drinks and then, you know, tell them we don't want sleepovers but still hang out. Or maybe it's someone that you just met online and you talk on the phone. You're like, we're just gonna have you there and then. And then we're gonna. We're just gonna finish up and of course then we're gonna continue our evening and you're gonna leave. Like, you're going to leave. Like, let them know. So I think you gotta break it down.

Oh, so you. You have to. Because you. So the. You talk about it with your partner, but then you also, like, talk about.

With the third person.

Yeah.

Like, let them know the plan. I think we're not good at that stuff. I think we just are like, well, we got the person here and now we don't know. So I love that you asked that question because that can be awkward if you thought the person was gonna stay for a while for dinner and your husband's like, no, get him out of the house. You know?

Yeah. Because I don't know why. I guess because I. I feel like I would never be if I was going to engage in something like this. And I don't know. Who knows? But I feel like I would always be that third person. Like, I wouldn't be the couple looking for.

Yeah.

So I would want to know, like, what.

Do I just Like Irish exit. Like grab my clothes and leave or.

I think it depends. It's one time I hooked up with a couple. I did go home with a couple from the Playboy mansion.

Amazing story, by the way. What the hell?

Have I never told you that story? Maybe.

It might.

Maybe so anyway, it was fun and I didn't know them and it was a long time ago, but I went home with them and we. It ended up being amazing. And I slept in their bed in between them. And then I woke up in the morning, so I.

You slept in between them?

Yeah. It was cute. Yeah, I did.

Aw. Well, do you.

Because I'm so cuddly, I.

So were they both big spooning you or was it like a chain of spoons? Like big spoon, medium spoon, little spoon?

It was everything.

All the spoons.

All the spoons. Well, think of all the options. Usually there's just two spoons. When you add a third spoon, the possibilities are endless.

So.

Oh, that kind of sounds fun.

Yeah. Too bad we can't go. Yeah, well, we could go to Playboy.

So what if you just had a threesome for cuddling?

Literally, that's all I want right now. My tummy hurts. I just wanted to invite over all my ex boyfriends that were good cuddlers this weekend. And like, there will be no dick. There will be no penis. Just cuddle me, cuddle me, cuddle me. But then they'd want a blow job. No. Okay. So the other thing I want to say about cuckolding before we get back to this is that if you are somebody, like, do not try this at home. Here's this announcement. If you, if you are someone who has a lot of anxiety in your relationship around abandonment issues, you're worried, you know, you. You don't have great communication. You're like acting on a, like consensual, non monogamous fantasy. Might not be your jam. It could be a negative experience. So this is like, when I say you talk about it beforehand, your partner might be like, no. And they. There's different kinds of nos, though. There's the like, hey, I want to watch you have sex with another man. And she's like, ew, no. What do you mean? That's crazy. That's probably going to happen unless you sit down, you explain it, you talk about why it's hot to you, why it turned you out. Like, you need to do some work on your own before you bring it up. So like. But then once they think about it, you walk it through, and then there could still be a. Mmm. I don't think I could handle it. I think I'd be too jealous or I think it would be. So these are all the kind of conversations you have to have.

Okay. Yeah. Cuz I mean, I figure maybe that's really what it is. People are like, so we never talked about sex. And then I brought up our sex life, and I was like, I want you to fuck another man.

Boom.

I would be like, hold on.

Yeah, yeah, Boom. Exactly. This is the problem. So. So how can you ease this? Okay. Okay. Thank you. This is not like, hey, we've never talked about our sex life in 22 years. Would you mind having sex with the gardener? He's hot.

Oh, my God.

Although I would. My gardener is hot. I swear to God. Yesterday, when I was sick, he was gardening and I was sleeping sick on the couch with the light. I was sleeping in the middle. Sick, sleeping. Sleep is slipping. Sick and sleeping. And the sun was coming in. I think I looked beautiful and sick because the sun was coming in and the curtains were open and he was gardening and I could hear him. And I looked up and he looked at me, and I'm like, no, he didn't see me yet. I mean, I didn't. We didn't make eye contact, but he's super hot. Garden. Anyway.

Anyways. So.

Someone'S trying to have a sexual.

Fantasy conversation in their parlor.

Sand this.

Loving this.

You can't. You can't quiet laugh on the radio. If you're gonna laugh, you have to.

Like, reject your quiet laughed. I did quiet laugh because it was gonna be a really loud laugh and.

You didn't want it to disturb the neighbors.

Go ahead. What was your question?

How do you ease. How do you ease them into the fantasy?

Okay, this is how you do it. You're like. You realize you're like Tim, right?

Who called?

You want to spice it up? You haven't talked about a while, and it's been 22 years. He can't be like, you know what would really help? He has to say, let's pay. I really. This is what I was gonna say to Tim is that and everyone who's been in a relationship where you've never talked about it. I.

Gotta put this out there. Love our sex life. Love you. You're beautiful. You're amazing. Our sex life's awesome. I happen to know. I've been listening to this show every night. It's like brainwashing me. And what she's taught me is that, like, oh, sex doesn't get great. Sex isn't actually even gonna work. There's a. You know, unless we prioritize it and we talk about it. And I've never been in a relationship babe, that I've talked about it. Have you? No. You neither? Okay, cool. We're in the same place and I don't even know what that really looks like because I love you and sex is great, but I know that we gotta get on the same page with it, we gotta prioritize it. And I wanna find out, like, what turns you on. Like, do you have any fantasies you wanna share with me? You know, there's two kinds of fantasies, babe. There's the kind that you don't have to share with me, that you'd like to just think about. And there's the ones that you actually wanna try. Like, do you ever think about being with another woman? Have you thought about that? Have you thought about having sex outdoors? Like, let me know. She's like, well, oh, yeah. And then you just start having it and you're like, I want to prioritize it. So that's it. And then you can even do a thing where you say, let's swap a bucket list. Let's make a bucket list. Let's each write down three things that we want to try in the bedroom and swap that list. That's a great place to start. And then you've started your conversation and then you keep talking about it. Keep talking. And then you're like, you know what? One that I didn't have on the list. Now that we're getting all frisky and we're getting more sexual and we're opening up and we're prioritizing our pleasure, and we realize that sex has unlimited potential and that not only can our friendship get better in this 25 year relationship, but it's actually possible for our sex life to get better in 25, 30, 40, 50 years if we just talk about it and prioritize it. What I want is to cuckold. That's when you bring it up. No, I mean, I was continuing, but yeah, but you build it. You don't just drop it. But you.

So even on the.

This doesn't take long, you guys. It's okay if it's been 20 years or 10 years, or even six. You've never talked about it. You can start tonight when you're driving home. You can have that exact conversation. Gee, I don't know. Some way. But it works, I guess. Even if you want to do it preventively because you don't want to. Like, you know, it's great now, but, like, you see what could. What happens to people. Don't talk about it. Bring it up.

You wouldn't put it on the initial sexual bucket list. You like. You're like, start basic.

Yeah, put it on the initial bucket list is what I'm gonna. For most people, if they've. Most people don't know cuckolding.

They don't. They would be like, what? Also, fun fact. There is no H in that word.

Cuckolding.

Yeah, cuckolding. A lot of people think there's, like, an H in it.

All right.

Like, you're holding a cuck. Cuckold.

That's quite a cuckold you got there. Although that should be a word. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back. We're gonna get into your calls.

Okay, let's talk to Sheila. She's 41 in Colorado, and her husband's being a jerk, and she doesn't know what to do about it.

I hate that. Hey, Sheila, thanks for calling.

Hi.

How are y'?

All? Good. So good. Okay, tell me. Here's the deal. Okay?

First off, I love you guys, and I hate when my kids in the car with me because I can't listen to you because.

My son's like, what?

Sucks?

Yeah. I'm like, what?

What?

No.

Okay. So anyway, I went on vacation for nine days with my son. We had a great time. Everything was awesome. Came home and, you know, did my unpacking, getting ready for school to go rolling again, and, you know, just everything. So Sunday, got home after the whole day was over. I got all my stuff done, got ready for the world, and then, you know, got in the shower, got myself all nice and shaved. I was, like, ready to roll with my hubs, and we had the most amazing night. And then today, he's, like, being a total dick wad, and I'm so over it. Like, he's just. He's like, you wouldn't even hang out with me on Sunday. And I was like, what? I. I'm just.

Wait. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, he's being a jerk.

All right.

Being a jerk and just, like, going on with. I'm like, dude, we had a blast Sunday night.

Okay, Sheila, wait. Hold on. So you were gone for nine days with your son without your husband?

Mm.

Okay, so you came back, and the first time you saw him, which was last night or the other night? Right. Sunday night. You said you had amazing sex. You had amazing sex, and, oh, my God, it was great, great, great. Because, you guys, it's like, that's like the chemistry. That's the bonding thing. Like you had to do that was like eating. Like you had to have great sex because you've been separate. But it sounds like there's the. Now he's like, okay, we got that out of the way. Something happened. Was he pissed he wasn't on vacation? Was. Did he find something where you were with. Well, is he never not been this jerky before?

Yeah.

Well, you got.

Okay, so is he being a jerk in a way that he's not. He's not been a jerk before?

No. He kind of does this almost every time we go on vacation. But I'm at this point right now because I went with my best friend on vacation with her kids and my kid, and we had a blast, and it was all awesome. And he's planning a vacation on his own. We do stuff together, too, don't get me wrong. But, like, this was just happened to be. It worked out. And I feel like.

Yeah, tell me.

Huge. I kind of feel weird and used and I feel like something's going on. I don't. We live in tiny, tiny towns, so I know he's not, like, messing around on me. I know that's not the thing.

Has this happened?

Find out about that.

Right. Exactly. Wait, has this happened? Has this happened every time you go away?

Pretty much. It's either while I'm away, he turns into a total weirdo when I go or when I come home or before.

And then does it go away in a few days. What's his love language? Do you know his love languages? Is his love language quality time?

No, his love language is.

Honestly, he's just a selfish little man.

Well, here's the thing. I'm just wondering.

I love him so much.

I know you do.

How long have you guys been together?

We've been together for 17 years.

Oh, okay. So it sounds like. It sounds like there's some needs that might need to be filled when you're gone. And he needs some extra attention right now because you were gone for nine days. And he might know how to tell you that he needs that from you. And he might get bummed out when you leave. And maybe his quality. Maybe he listen when people really. When he craves time with you even though you've been together for that for so many years. 19 years. You said 17. 17. Yeah, my brain.

17.

17 years. Like. Like, he. He cr. I mean, he. Right, me. That's a big change. Like, to be gone for nine days, the house is full with you and your son, and then you're gone. So he's having a reaction to that. And he needs something that, like most of us, we don't articulate the things of what's going on, what he needs. He might not even know he needs it. Maybe he just needs some extra time with you. Like, just the two of you. Something special that's just. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it sounds like if this. I mean, what I love here is that there's a pattern. Like, you didn't call me before the trip and say I needed to hear this. Yeah, this is exactly it. He just. There's some adjustment.

Go to the grocery store.

Get him.

I'm going to the grocery store right now. Because I was like, I'm going to the store.

I'm like, oh, it just happened. Okay, perfect. Listen, you got to go back. Okay, well, he doesn't even know either. He's probably cranky. You were gone. You missed whatever. We don't know what is. But go back, do. I'm glad you're leaving, because you can now you can go back and breathe. You can breathe in the car on the way home. Like, deep breaths. Like, four in, four out. Inhale, exhale. Like, then it resets, and then it's going to be like, you know what? I don't. I don't want to fight this. Like, I'm so heavy back. Like, let's just tell me what you need right now. And if you say, I don't know, they'll tell me. Like, try to have a different kind of conversation where you're listening and just kind of. You know him well enough, if you let him talk and let him figure out what it is that he needs. Yeah, you gotta listen. You gotta listen. I know. We don't do that. And I don't listen enough either. I get it. We gotta listen. I mean, I listen to you. It's my job, but otherwise, I don't listen to anyone. So I just listen to you all. You're lucky. So, yeah, you got it, Sheila. I feel you. It's a pattern. I see it. Listen, and then they literally call me back because I think that's what it is, and then he'll figure it out, and then you'll be fine and you'll actually have a breakthrough. I think, too, with him. Because it's gonna be a different. It's not gonna be one thing.

Any intimacy tonight?

What'd you say? Excuse me? Intimacy.

I said, should I try to. Intimacy.

I'm sure that. That I think you. Well, Not. Don't lead with that, because then you'll never have the conversation that you need to have with him.

Don't lead with it.

Yes, of course he's your husband. If you want to have sex with him after 17 years two nights in a row. Yes. Have sex with him tonight. Have sex with him tomorrow night. I'm not gonna never tell you not to have sex unless you're in pain.

Okay. All right.

I love you, girly.

I love you too, Sheila. Thank you.

Thanks for talking it out with me.

Yeah, girl. That's what I'm here for. Seriously, that makes so much y. Bye, Sheila. Thanks for calling. Let us know what happens. Honestly, that's what it felt like talking to Sheila. That's. Cause when I'm not with you guys, I'm talking to my friends, and they're having the same conversation. Michelle, you came over the night before I left for Mexico, and I think three calls in a row where friends were like, this happened. That happened. I talk it through. So in a way, I'm your best girlfriend here, but I kind of know what I'm talking about. I do know. I know what I'm talking about. Unlike your best girlfriends, who have their own agendas sometimes.

Yeah. You have better advice.

Yeah.

I do have to say real quick to Sheila that she is not alone in this situation. Whenever my mom goes out of town and my dad. And I'm with my dad, he is such a brat. And he. And. And he's a completely different person when my mother's not there. And then when. And they've been together for 25 years, and. And then when she gets home, I mean, she. He's not a jerk to her, but, like, while she's gone, he's a jerk to me and my sister, and it's a completely.

Yeah.

When they're separated, it's a different.

Yeah.

Brain chemistry.

Okay, let's talk to Kenny. He's 34, in Arizona, and he called in about a month ago about his fantasies, and he wants to report how it went after telling his wife.

Hey, Kenny, this is what I'm talking about. Hi, Emily.

Now, this whole sex crisis. This whole sex crisis actually kind of affected me back in the beginning, before I started listening to you, and I kind of went out on the limb. I went out on the limb before, and, like. And my wife and I had had good sex, but, you know, you can always make sex better. So I went on. On a limb, and I bought her a vibrator for Christmas.

And.

Then we kind of start moving forward. And then I called in about a month ago and told you that I was writing down all these fantasies that I had.

Yes.

And I told my wife about it, and I let her. She asked to read the book.

Okay.

That I've been writing.

Okay.

And I come home from work the other day, and.

I see her, how I present it and everything, and I'm like, oh, my God. I know what to do from here now. And it was amazing.

Like, she was set up.

Any of this would have happened.

Wow.

If I didn't listen to you.

Oh, Kenny, I'm so happy. That's amazing. So she was reading, like. Yeah, keep going.

Yeah, she was reading. She.

She.

She read it in a way. You wrote her.

I remember this.

Yeah. It was the best thing ever. I was. I want every man to be like, every person. Human. Write down your fan. It's so hot. If you're a writer or you. Even if you're not, just you explain to her something that you wanted or several. You wrote a book, Kenny. You're like the next Fifty Shades.

I probably wrote about 20. Yeah, I wrote about 20 different, you know, things that I just had in my mind. And I. Like I said, I come home from work, and she's. I mean, it just played out verbatim, like, everything that I had.

You got to tell me what, Kenny. Either you're gonna have to read part of it right now, which. I actually want to hear it if you have some on you. I do. I'm not kidding, Kenny. You can call back, pick a chapter, but. Or tell me what the scenario is, if you don't mind, because you keep saying she was like. Was she, like, on the bed waiting for you? You know, what was the scenario that. You knew that that meant she's down for sex right now? Dtf.

Um, so. So I came. I get home, and.

And I walk in, and she's kind of, like, propped up on the. In the corner of the couch on a sectional and everything, and she's wearing a black lace bra with black lace panties, and her hair's down, and it's in. It's over her chest, and it's kind. It's kind of just covering her breast a little bit and everything. And. And she's just got this seductive look in her eye, and there's, you know, the ambiance is there. The candles are going. There's music in the background, which kind of threw me off when I walked in the store.

Right. Because she's never done this before. How long have you guys been. Yeah, you guys have been together how long to set the stage here.

We've been together for. Going on nine years. Been married for six.

Okay, keep going. We're with you. So you had written about, like, her sitting on the couch wearing black.

Wearing.

Yeah, wearing black lingerie and everything. And.

And then. So it started out on the couch. It started out with foreplay on the couch and everything. And then. Then we. Then sex started out on the couch, and then we moved from sex into. Into the bedroom. And.

In this scene, I guess you call it, I wrote about how she got her vibrator out, and then there was, like, mutual masturbation going on, and it was so hot. Oh, my God.

This is genius. This is the most genius way anyone's ever gotten their partner to use vibrator. Because you made it hot. You wrote about it, and you had bought it for her four months ago, and she never took it out of the drawer. And.

Ugh.

Keep going. This is good. You guys. Do you guys all following what happened here? That he wrote it out and it happened. Cake.

I like it too.

She studied this. She studied this. She studied it like she didn't miss a step that I wrote.

Wow, that's. That's really hot.

Even after, like, the. After the mutual masturbation, she reaches under her pillow and grabs a pair of handcuffs. Whoa.

Was that in the story too?

Yeah, that was all part of it. And everything.

She did the whole thing. Wow. And it was hot for both of you?

Everything that I read out, yeah, it was amazing. And then afterwards, when we're just both completely exhausted, we actually talked about it.

Wow. About how great.

She said about how great it was and that how much fun it was.

It was fun. It wasn't that hard. Right?

Like.

Right. It was fun. You guys got to play together again. You did something different than, you know, rolling Whatever was happening before this probably just.

Yeah. I mean, we just, you know, like.

It wasn't that before.

It definitely wasn't that. No, but.

Before it would. I was, like, 98% of the time. I was always the one who had to initiate sex.

Yeah.

And everything. And. And I. You know, if that's the way it was gonna be, then, you know. Okay. I'm fine with that. But I told her, you know, it's okay for you to, you know, want to have sex with me.

Right.

You know. Yes, we want.

We both didn't know how to initiate it, so you. You gave her the plan. You gave her the tools. You, like, wrote it up a story, and she could have, and she was like, Yeah, I actually agree. That's hot. I think a lot of us just. We all just want to know what to do. We all just want goddamn instructions. How do I initiate sex? What is a turn on? What feels good? How do I give good oral? Like, we just want an instruction manual. And essentially you wrote out what felt good to you. And now I'm hoping, Kenny, like, you've. She has permission now to figure out what her fantasies are. I mean, that maybe that was part of her fantasy. You know, who knows? You guys probably talked about this, right?

And. And I told her if there's. If there's stuff that, you know, if you have your fantasies and everything, you can, you know, we can swap this and turn this all around again.

Yeah, I think it's a whole new world.

I mean, I'm.

That's.

It is. And like I said before talk, before you came on the air, you know, there wasn't a lot of this, like, sex talk and everything. I was, to a degree, I was a little intimidated by my wife. Like, well, what if she doesn't want sex tonight? But I really want sex and everything. I'm not gonna force it on her because that's just rude.

Right.

You know, so it was kind of like, okay, do I do this? Do I not do this? Or. And everything. I was too much in my head.

Yeah, exactly. That's. Our head is our worst. We all cock block ourselves. You know, essentially we're in our heads. We really do. We are all in our heads. Kenny, you're so right. You're like, you want to be a good husband and you want to force it. So. So that's what was going on. Pre sex with Emily, pre November, I guess, when you started listening, right.

So you had been married and it was just kind of like you were nervous to come home and what's going to happen? And then you were. It was good. You were having it once or twice a week or she wasn't initiating. And.

Yeah.

Now look at you, Christian Grey.

Yeah. And it was. Yeah, yeah.

So, I mean, it was 50 Shades of Kenny.

Thank you, Kenny. This is so inspiring. I hope. I hope everyone's inspired by this. Go write it down. Share it. And she was cool. Yeah. Thank you, Kenny. That was. Kenny's. My hero.

I was amazing.

That was amazing. That was 889-478-2777. So to back up, if people gotta wrap, let me explain to you what happened. So Kenny called in a few months ago. A month ago.

About a month ago.

A month ago. And in December, he's like, I don't know what to do. He started listening the show in November. Never heard anyone talk about sex. He was in a relationship like you. I'm gonna say the like you, most of you are in a relationship are like, ah, sex. It's good, we're doing it. I love my wife, I love my husband, love my partner, but it's okay. And then he started hearing me talk about it, and then he thought, well, I'll buy her a vibrator for Christmas. So he buys her, and I might butcher some of this. But he bought her a vibrator for Christmas. He did. And he calls in early March, so he probably calls a month ago and he says, emily, I don't know what to do. I bought her vibrator. She's not using it. And, you know, I'm trying to spice it up. And so I decided, you know, I'm gonna write it out. And he started writing fantasies. He started writing down his fantasies, like erotica. And then I think at the point when he called, had he just given it to her? He wasn't sure what to do. I'm not even get there. But I think he said to her, I think he was asking, do I just give him to her? Do I? And I said, I think you don't just land. I don't think you just say, like, here you go. I didn't know it was a novel at the time. I think you just first open up and say, you know what? I really want to talk about our sex life and making like all the things I tell you all make it great. And I guess she probably said, yeah, I'd love to read what you wrote. And then she had some fuel and ammunition. She had some instruction, she had some guidance. She knew how sex works. That in a way, this is why everyone loved 50 Shades of Gray, for example. Erotica is totally underrated, I think. And there's not enough of it because. And you could write your own. You guys. No one's caring about your spelling errors. Even if you're a great writer. No one cares. Like you could speak it out into your phone and Siri or whoever do it for you. But what I'm saying is that we. Fifty Shades of Grey, it wasn't that it was a amazing, you know, well written book or novel masterpiece. It was that women were reading it and they. They were able to on their own and they were hearing things and reading words about being, you know, many women have fantasies, the feminine fantasy to be submissive in the bedroom. Not that we want to be locked up and use hand. Sometimes we do. We want to be spanked, but we want someone to be dominant over us. Just a fantasy we have. And so in that book that happened, you saw how could I have? Was very romantic. And it was just accessible on. I think it was the first book erotic on the iPad or whatever it was that you could hide it. But people got into it and it was words. Brain is the largest sex organ. And so when we're just coming home to our partners night after night, we're like trying to figure it out. You want to partner, initiate. We don't know what to do. A lot of times your partner's not initiating or they're holding back because we're in our heads and we're worried. So Kenny, he had to do all the initiating and he was worried that he had to do it wrong and still in his head anyway. So there's a lot of responsibility, often on one partner over the other. The other one's just worried that they're not. And one's worried that they're doing it wrong. We're all fucking in our heads, and we are. We are keeping ourselves from. We are putting ourselves in this sex crisis dungeon.

Yeah. And I think the cool part about Kenny's situation is that he wrote it as kind of like about him and his wife.

Yeah, exactly.

So she was able to read it and literally put herself into that situation and like, think about it from her own imagination. Because I think with watching. With some people who don't prefer watching porn, it's. Cause they don't find the right kind of porn. And then it's hard for them to see the people and then put themselves in that place.

Yeah. Thank you, Jamie. He was like, wear that black underwear and bra and put your hair in front of your breasts. And I picture come walking in the door and you're sitting on our couch very specifically. And then we go up into the bedroom. There's handcuffs. Like, it's. And it was. Heard their names in it. So she didn't have to think. Worry that she wasn't blonde or she wasn't, you know, particularly skilled in some place. It was like about the two of them, which I think that fantasy, you guys, is so healthy. It's actually people who have a healthy fantasy have a healthy sex life. It's a. They're intertwined. And so I think if you can. When I say to you, talk to your partner about your fantasies and you don't know, this would also be a great jumping off point with Kenny to say, maybe you write it with your partner together. Why don't you guys, if you guys are that kind of couple and you don't know, maybe together, you figure out what the fantasy is.

Mm.

I'm just trying to come up with ways to kenny ize it.

All right. Should we take this email?

Yes. I've been wanting to read this.

Okay, so this is from Michelle, 50, in Wisconsin. Dear Emily, I'm happily married to my husband for almost 30 years and want to take him to a strip club where we'll both get lap dances. We've discussed this for a few years, so why not actually do it? I have gone before but never had a lap dance, and I always end up feeling uncomfortable because there's not that many female spectators. I'm not into women, but I think it could still be a turn on. I feel bad for the women working there, etc. How can I get past that and just have fun?

Aw. Okay, I like this question. Okay, Michelle, it sounds like you guys have a really great relationship, and I love that you've been talking about it and that you, you know, that you've discussed it and you want to do it together. I think that's great. So I think as far as, like, here's the thing. Go to strip club. Think of it like an experience. Like, they are there. Like, you are helping them. They are there to make money. They make money by getting lap dances. If you could just be connect, be as connected with your partner, your husband as possible when you get there and just enjoy it and just not work because you're in your head, what are people gonna think? And, you know, you're the spectators. No one there is looking at you going, look at that. Everyone in a strip club is there. Believe me, if they are looking at anything, it is not you getting a lap dance. They're looking at the women. They're looking at the dances. It is not about you. So that's one place where I think you could let yourself just get into this really fun new experience that you've never done in 30 years. These are the kind of things that can truly spice up. These are the things that can spice up a relationship. One thing like this, and then you guys could try something else, and next time you have sex, you'll be talking about it in the bedroom. So. And I don't think you feel bad for the women working there these days. You know, she. A lot of strippers I know and dancers. It doesn't have the same, like, connotations as it used to. You know, I think that they make really good livings and they're enjoy. Maybe they're there because, you know, I don't know. I don't think there's a lot of different reasons. But most people I know dance and they look back at those years when they were doing it as like, fond years. They made the choices, they made good money, and then they get out of it or they're in forever. And it's a beautiful way to express themselves. I think you can't know. You can't know and you can't bother yourself with. I think that this is probably one of the things that you probably do in your sex life overall. And you're probably. You're a pleaser, I'm sure. And you're like a very caring woman with an open heart and you're worried about everyone else around you but your own pleasure. So you guys need to go to this strip club and relax, have a couple drinks, just get into your body with your husband and have fun with it. Wear that sexy thing that you haven't worn in a while that you've been kind of holding on to. You've been waiting for a night. Do you. Because let me tell you this. Couples who try new things together and play together, couples who play together, stay together. And it's true. Because what I mean by that is, like, you guys need the novelty to keep yourselves connected. And when you do something novel in a relationship, whether it's skydiving or going to a strip club or, you know, cooking together, that's all going to fire those same love hormones, chemicals, and the sex chemicals that are going to connect you, the bonding, and it's going to be thrilling. The dopamine. And so that's what you need. And this is kind of. I love that you're a little nervous about it, but let's just get you. You out of your head into the moment that there's no risk. You're going for a night and then you're gonna laugh, dance. And what if you really like it? And then you go home and you guys can talk about it in bed. It becomes like your dirty talk and it becomes like, remember that time we went. And then maybe you'll go back or maybe you'll learn how to give him his lap dance. That's really hot to, like, learn. That's what I was doing in those strip dance. The Sheila Kelly who does the dance workshops for women that I was talking about earlier. Like, they teach you how to. It's all women, but they teach you how to move and be in your body. It's native, like the S curve of your body and learning just how to walk and talk and feel sexy. And so that's what it's about, like being in your body and being in the moment. And it's hot. To give your partner a striptease. Give them a lap dance. You don't have to be perfect. Just they're gonna appreciate the gesture and something different. This is another great thing to practice on your own. Like, give yourself a lap dance, like when you're at home and tell you to look in the mirror and be sexy and look at yourself. How would you move? How would you dance?

Yeah, I don't think you should dry run.

Don't dry. Yeah, don't dry run. Don't dry run. Because then you'll get in your head and feel insecure about it.

Practice.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Take those notes, you know, just like little mental notes of what they're doing on stage or on the lap dance and be like, oh, I liked what she did when she was moving that way. Let's see how it looks like. Yeah, yeah, take it. Take it into the bedroom.

And exactly when she's getting the lap dance, kind of be like, oh, what's she doing here? That feels good. Because really, a lot of it is a feeling thing and what to do in the moment. So I think the more into it you can be and the more turned on you are in the moment, the more your husband will be. And it's going to be an awesome night, Michelle. So let us know how it goes. Shows. They're in Wisconsin. All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed the show today. I love hearing from you. So let me know what you like, what kind of shows you'd like to hear more of. What are you into? Even if you don't have a question, just let us know. I'm always trying to make it a show that feels good to you and to everyone here at the Sex Family. Family. By the way, they're awesome. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackextemily.com.

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