Success (Stories) w/ Emily

First of all, you sound like a different man. You sound like a young man, and you have this lift in your voice, and you were just like a different person. And because you said, I just want to please a woman, I've never even done that, and now you're like, you've been busy with all these women. I'm just— you are my hero.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I love giving my best sex and relationship advice, so it's truly rewarding when I hear back about how my advice has helped you Tap into more pleasure, have those difficult conversations with a partner, stay in relationships that you thought were going to end and they didn't because you were brave and you talked to your partner. Well, today's show is all about your success stories. It's a super inspiring show. Some of you gained closure with an ex, you tried swinging and you found that it actually works, and someone else is looking for sex after a life of not having any. Each of these people have taken big step towards changing their lives. So hopefully this is going to inspire you to create your own success story. I also answer your email questions about what to do if your boyfriend won't communicate openly with you about your sex life, and you've tried, you've really tried. How to be more confident rocking the cowgirl position, and what to do if mismatched libidos is making you feel super insecure in your relationship. Intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention. It really helps when you set one and you think, this is what I want to get out of the episode. So it could be, I want to know How listening to Sex with Emily Morse can help me improve my sex life and my relationship. My intention is to inspire you to either A) call in, email, write in with your question. I promise you it's going to help you. It just does. You're going to move along wherever you're stuck or take one piece of advice from today's show, just one, and implement that and put it into your relationship or your sex life, put it into practice and see where it takes you. All right, enjoy the show. Let's talk to Julie Forty in California. Hi, Julie.

Hi, Dr. Emily.

Hello. How can I help you? What's going on?

Okay, let me give you a little bit of a backstory. I met this guy 17 years ago, was my first true love, first mind-blowing orgasm. Sex was amazing. Um, because of financial difficulties, our relationship didn't last. We both went our separate ways. I'm still in contact with his sister. You know, I've had other relationships, but it's been 15 years now since we've been broken up, and I don't dream about him, but when I do, it's because something has happened to him. The first time, he got into a car accident. A few years later or so, he broke his nose. And just recently, he was quarantining for COVID, and in that time, his brother had passed away. And so my question is, how do I thought— to me, I think it's a weird connection.

Yeah.

We actually talked just recently and it was a good talk, but now I can't get him out of my mind. Everything reminds me of him and I don't know if that's good for me. I don't know, you know, it's just driving me crazy.

Yeah, no, Julie, it sounds like it. Have you seen him in 15 years or you just talked to on the phone?

No, like I said, I'm friends with the sister, so I may have seen pictures of family events and he may have been in them.

Okay, got it.

But since we broke up, I have not had one word with him up until like a week or two ago.

And how did you know then that these things happened to him when you had a dream about him?

I would ask his sister, is he okay? She would just tell me.

Here's the thing, I feel like it's funny that you're, not funny, but interesting you're calling about this because a lot of people email me and call about sex with, or dreaming about their ex, not necessarily, sometimes sex with their ex, but I would, well, my belief is that when we dream about an ex, it's oftentimes because that relationship represents a part of ourself that maybe we are feeling really connected to, and maybe it's your youth or it was really young love, And so we want that thrill again. We want that excitement, but I don't believe that it's necessarily that you should be with him. And so if you can somehow get peace that there's some kind of maybe soulful connection you have, you had, you know, your first loves, you know, I always think that my love when I had, when in my early 20s was just, it was so pure and so raw. I'd never loved that much as an adult. And so I don't think it's about him. Per se, but it was about me at that time and learning to love and being away from home. So I don't know what it is for you, but unless you want to see him again or you, you know, but even then, I actually just don't think it means what we'd like to think it means. I mean, are you asking me like, does it mean you should be with him? Or—

I don't even know that. I just think it's like, how do I stop thinking about him now? Because we haven't had a conversation in years.

Well, how come?

Yeah, like a text conversation.

Would you ever want to call him or see him?

We did have a phone conversation.

Okay, how was that?

It was good. It was just like we talked about the good, we talked about the bad. So, you know, we had some laughs and I shed a couple of tears, you know, talked about our relationship.

Well, why don't you see it? Would you ever want to see him? Would you ever want to just get coffee with him, or?

I would. However, he's like, I don't know why I'm talking to you, but I am, you know?

Yeah. Well, do you want to see him or do you not? But you— because, because there's a few ways to go here. You could just call him and say, I think we should meet up and see, you know, see if there's a connection. If he's not in a relationship and you're not in a relationship and it wasn't abusive or toxic Who knows? You hear things like that all the time, that people go to their high school reunion 30 years later and fall in love with their, you know, high school sweetheart again. That could happen. But if you're telling me you don't want to do that, then I would start a practice of every time you think about him, let's think of a thought that you could replace it with, like, "I am deserving of great love and passion," or, "I will find my love, you know, my partner," or something like that that you could replace it with, because then eventually you can retrain your brain. Um, but if you also think, well, maybe I should just meet him up and see what happens, you know, you could try that as well. So decide which way you want to go with it. I don't— yeah, okay, I don't see any harm in meeting him.

Yeah, and that's the thing, I brought that up to him and he hasn't responded to that.

Oh, okay. Well, it sounds like you want to meet up with him, so I would just— you have nothing to lose here. I mean, yeah, maybe he could reject you. Maybe you won't even be attracted to him. But to me, if you're both single and you had talked on the phone for a few hours, maybe he's fearful too. Maybe he has— who knows? Maybe he really is in a relationship and we don't know. But it could be helping you face your fear.

True.

I would just push it. I don't— maybe he didn't really think you wanted to. Maybe he's got something he's shameful of. But it sounds like you guys are still connected in a way. I mean, I would love to have coffee with my ex from 15 years ago. I think it would be a blast. So not even because I want to be with them. I just think it's part of our history, which is why we often never forget our exes because we bonded, we loved, we connected. You share so much with people that you love. And so I think it says a lot that they just don't go away, right? But sometimes, you know, we attach to meaning when we don't have to. So I say you got nothing to lose. You're a grown woman. See what happens.

All right, hopefully you want to hear back.

Let me know. I'll call you back. Please do. I'm here for it. We are all gonna wait to hear back from you, okay? Lucky for us, Julie did call back. Here's her update a few weeks later. Hi, Julie. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

Hi, Emily.

Hi.

I don't know if you remember, I called about 2 weeks ago.

Um, yes, I remember you were like psychically figuring out and then talking to his sister.

Yes, so I reached out and, um, I said, hey, I'm gonna be down in your area, you know, showed him the confirmation to the hotel that I'm staying at, not to have sex with him, just, but just to talk, right? And he would see my messages and unfortunately he never responded. So I take that as a sign, and I enjoyed myself with a king-size bed, some masturbation, some self-love, and, you know, see, just as a closure to that.

Oh, Julie, good! I'm so glad. That's really healthy. So it was like a healing for you. I love that you're like, well, this didn't work out, he didn't get back to me, but it's closure. And that closure was you celebrating yourself. By giving yourself love, masturbating in a hotel room that you were there by. I love it.

You know, I wasn't waiting for him to call or come to the hotel. I just kept doing, you know, ordered some tacos and some tequila. And, you know, if he showed up, great. If he didn't, I still did what I wanted to do.

Yes, Julie, that's it. That's the Julie that's gonna find your man and your person. When you keep taking charge of your own life and you take your pleasure into your hands and you let go of things that no longer serve you, we clear space for new things to come in— new people, new places, new opportunities.

I'm excited.

Good, you sound excited. Tacos and tequila, you're my girl. I love it.

Really, I learned a lot, and I think that's why this experience was a little bit easier to deal with. I empowered myself not to let him have control of my feelings. Like, I still had an orgasm with or without him.

Yes.

You know, and, um, you know, I owe that to you because I didn't think that— the old me would have been in the hotel room crying and continuously texting them, I know you see my messages, why don't you— why are you ignoring me? But I was like, okay, You know, and I kept doing my thing. I kept doing me. And I think I, I owe that to you because listening to you after, you know, almost 2 years, I've grown. I've learned more about myself and how to make myself happy. So it's a learning process.

It is, right? And you're 46 and you're learning that, you know, we're never done. Julie, thank you for that. Just Seriously, thank you for saying that. And I'm so glad you found the show. And it's just a choice, right? Like you could, you're right. Like a lot of women would be like, what is it that he rejected me? What did I do? Is it because I'm too this or too that? And we'd start going on a journey in our head that's not healthy, but you turned it around and turned it back towards yourself and gave yourself love. Like that's, I mean, that's what it is. We have a choice in those moments.

Yeah.

To go down that road of like negative self-talk and rejection or like, nope. Not my— not mine. That's not my business. Not my— I don't know what happened there, but what can I do to make me feel good right now? Give it back to me. So that's really healthy, Julie. I'm so glad you found the show.

Thanks.

Okay, Julie, stay in touch. You keep going, girl. Thanks for your call. All right, let's talk to Mark, 54, in New York.

Hi, Emily, how are you?

So good. How about you, Mark?

You know what, I'm good. I called a while back and my wife and I had ventured into the swinging arena and I thought I'd give you an update because it's been so beneficial to what we're doing.

Oh my God, tell me everything. Yes, Mark, tell me everything. I love a good happy call here. What's going on?

I guess what we've been able to do is finally talk about what we want, like fantasy stuff and things like that. Before that, we didn't say anything about that.

Okay, you never talked about your fantasies or what you were into? No.

And you know what, we've been able to go for what each of us is into, and it's, it's been just fun. What happens is, I think I'm more on the voyeur side because I love watching her just being so pleasured.

It's hot, right? That's great. Yeah, so you guys hadn't— okay, so you learned that that really turns you on. What turns her on?

I think what turns her on is being with multiple people. She likes maybe being the center of attention.

Yeah, okay, and you're cool with it?

I—

you know what, I'm cool with it, and it's, it's just been a lot of fun for us, and we've done, you know, we've done it maybe 4 or 5 times, but What's also great is just talking about that and it kind of like feeds our own fire.

Yeah, like talking about what happened, like you're like, that was really hot when those— to watch you with those people the other night or whatever happened, right? Yes, like secrets.

Yeah, it becomes our— and she, she kind of gets turned on by it too. Like we've never done it with like other, just another male, but recently we did and I think I've never seen her so turned on.

Yeah. How long have you guys been together, Mark? I want to just know, how long were you together before you opened it up and started swinging?

Oh, we were together maybe 22 years.

Wow, that's amazing. Would you ever have thought a year ago that it would have happened?

No, and it happened by chance on a boat. Oh, so it was, uh, I don't drink, but Jen does, and she was a little bit buzzed. And we went back into the boat, and there was another group kind of in the front of it that were playing around. So we just stayed where we were in our area and just started doing our own thing. And next thing I know, there was people joining us.

Wow. Oh my God, so it's really turned around your sex— how was your sex life before that? Before you started bringing other people?

You know what, it was more, uh, it was more vanilla and becoming less frequent.

Yes, and now I'm sure— see, Mark, this is— people think, oh no, I can't handle it. It's not for everybody, right? There's some people who won't— they won't be able to handle it. But you know, you're able to discuss boundaries, and there hasn't been any jealousy or anything like that?

There hasn't, because we did, we did discuss what we were okay with, right? And really, there wasn't a lot— there wasn't a lot of things that were totally off limits. But we were together, we have to, you know, we're always in the same— in the same situation. So that was—

yeah, I'm happy for you, Mark. I, I just— I love to hear these stories because I know they exist, and then I just think that for some people— yeah, it's true, a lot of people like, I couldn't imagine it if my partner ever did that, I would leave. I mean, obviously you'd have to both be on the same page, and for many people just outside of their realm of possibility. But listen, if people are having great sex and they want to be with other people, you know, I just, I just think sometimes it can be that spice you need. It's variety. It's hard to be with someone, the same person for 22 years and to keep it hot. I mean, I'm not saying swinging is the only answer, but variety. And so this is just another form of variety and novelty and trying something new. It's great, Mark. I love it.

It really is. And I always appreciate your advice and your, your pi— you're just a breath of fresh air.

Thank you, Mark. You know, I feel the same way about you tonight, so thank you.

Oh my gosh, that's awesome.

Really? Have a good night.

I already am.

It sounds like I already am. Thanks, Mark. It's all great. Thank you. Yeah, appreciate it. So good. See, he called in 6 months ago, they were thinking about swinging. 22 years together and now they're still learning. I mean, that's the really cool thing about your sex life is that it's not static. It's not in just one place. It, it, if you, there's always layers to peel from it. You can always start peeling back the layers, like the layers of the onion. There'll always be more if you both choose, the both of you in a relationship choose to, to explore and to be honest and open. Let's talk to Jeff, 70, in California. Hi, Jeff, what's going on?

Hi, Dr. Emily, how are you tonight?

Good, Jeff, how you doing? Thanks for calling.

Yes, I was listening to your show last night about, um, being afraid of the vagina.

Okay.

And yeah, I'm definitely afraid of that sucker. Um, I was drafted Yeah, when I was 19, and I was a virgin when I was drafted. And I— shortly after I was drafted, I went to Vietnam and I became a POW, and I was beaten, stabbed, and, um, knifed. I have no fingernails left, and I was beaten so bad that I've never been able to perform sexually. You know, certain body parts don't work anymore. And so I've been a virgin. I'm 70 years old now, and I've been a virgin for 70 years. And I've tried to be with women, but yeah, they, they scare away really easily. And so I've never even been able to, uh, perform like oral sex on a woman. Because they take one look at me and run. I don't know what I can do to, you know.

Yeah, they just run. So that's— yeah. So is it more like they look at you, are you saying like when you get undressed, or when you— how far along does it, does it get with women that you date?

Just about the time I get my shirt off, because I'm, I'm scarred from neck to toe. It's pretty scary.

Yeah.

And, you know, and then they see my fingers. I have no fingernails, you know, it's kind of— my fingers look kind of bad. Oh, Jeff, yeah, you know, and I try and I try to explain to them what, what my situation is, but, you know, they seem fine with it at the beginning, but as soon as it starts getting, you know, undressy, so to speak, uh, they're like, oh my God, I'm out of here, bang, out the back door they go, right?

And so, wow, Jeff, so that's happening.

I'm just wondering if you had any thoughts on what I could do, you know, to Now, I have a question first, though.

Is this— how many— does this happen to you like every single time? Because sometimes we say it happens all the time, but things happen to us like once or twice. Are you saying that like every time, or did you just stop kind of trying, which I would understand that as well?

Exactly. I, you know, when you get kicked down so many times, yeah, uh, you just kind of give up. You know, I go to— I go to the bars, you know, and I know I'm like the guy that sits in the back corner with these head down, you know, and just watching everybody else have fun. And I, I listen to your show lots and lots and lots of times, and you know, the things that guys can do to give women pleasure, I mean, damn, I'd like to do that, but nobody wants, you know. And I thought about the prostitute thing.

Well, I mean, it's the kind of thing where, I mean, I ain't gonna put my mouth down there, you know, where Yeah, yeah, no, I understand that. So you're just more interested in the, or maybe oral sex and giving pleasure. And I mean, I think you could be upfront with women and just say that I want to cuddle and I want to, you know, get to know you and stuff. But I feel like it's, it's a matter of getting comfortable with somebody and building, like, starting to build a relationship with them, even if it's a friendship, or just starting to get comfortable with women again. Because like you said, you know, with all of these sexual patterns that we set in our life, sometimes things just happen once and then it becomes our pattern. So I don't know the last time this happened to you. I don't know how many times, but I just feel like it could be about just going out and getting to know somebody. And then if they know your situation, you could, you know, not take your shirt off the first time and say, I'm just really interested in giving you pleasure. That's really where I get off, you know, giving you pleasure and not making it about sex, not making it about the intercourse. If they just know what they're in for, like, I think a lot of us are really just— a lot of us just crave companionship. Because you can kiss, you can touch.

Yeah, I've done that, and like, you know, it always ends up bad. But I've listened to your show, and I, I think if I ever was able to get to that part, I'm sure she would feel quite well, because, you know, yeah, I feel like I'm an expert now.

Well, from all the advice I've heard you give, you would if you've been listening to the show for a while. Everyone who listens to Sex on the Beach should be excellent at oral sex. Right? With the Sex with Emily badge of oral sex honor. Well, Jeff, I love that you've been listening and, you know, we do talk a lot about just getting back out there and the confidence and there's like dating apps. I don't know, you're 70, you sound like a really nice guy and it's just about taking— when you take your shirt off. So to me it's like, well, leave your shirt on and say, I want to give you pleasure. I am a Sex with Emily certified expert. I got these You know, this mouth, I've got this great lube, come to my lair. I mean, I just think that it's, it's that fear. I think of someone walking—

I'm a graduate of the Dr. Emily Morse School.

Yes, exactly, Jeff. You are, you are graduate. You've been listening. And so I believe that you can turn this around and come in with a different attitude without the expectations and let people know. People say all kinds of things on apps. Like they can just say like, I'm just looking for casual sex. I'm looking for a threesome. You could say, I am looking to please you. I'm not in a place where I want to be having intercourse right now. Yeah, I don't want to be the receiver, but I love giving you pleasure. I'm looking— and then say, do a regular dating profile, what you're into and who you are and what makes you happy, you know, just like how people do. So yeah, Jeff, so I think I'll try some—

mom might try one of those dating apps, try some apps.

And be upfront.

Yeah.

So let's reframe how you're thinking about it, Jeff. And I love that you are, are gonna reset right now, cuz I'll be thinking about you and I'm here to help.

We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna try, see, see what happens.

I'm here for you. You can even call and read me their dating profile. I will help you. Okay, Jeff, I got you.

Okay, Dr. Emily. Thank you, honey.

Thanks for calling. So good to talk to you. Have a good night. We were so moved by Jeff's call. You should have seen us all in here. Like we were just at the edge of our seat and his story. Made it even better when he called in to give us an astounding update. When we come back, we'll hear what happened. Hey, Jeff, it's so good to hear from you again. Tell me what's going on.

Hi, Dr. Emily. Thank you for taking my call.

Of course.

You advised me to, you know, try some dating sites on the internet. Well, I went kind of a different direction, and I went— I went to a singles club. A singles club.

Nice. Okay, it all works. That's all good.

And I'm here to tell you, Dr. Emily, things really took a weird turn. Um, I got with a group of women that, uh— now this is going to really sound kind of weird, but this one lady that I hooked up with, she understood you know, everything that I was going through. And she liked to acrobate for me, in front of me, for me.

Okay.

And as it turned out, as it turned out, she had some friends, girlfriends, that, um, actually, I guess they have a little club or something. I don't know. But yeah, I've been pretty busy.

Oh my gosh, Jeff, you're amazing! You are rocking my world! Because when we talked, you're like, they've run away.

What's really weird, Dr. Emily, is I've, you know, even though I can't, I cannot perform at all whatsoever, not, you know, absolutely can't perform at all, I get— when, when this happens, when these women do this thing for me, yeah, I'm— I get these really weird muscle tensions.

Yeah, muscle spasms, kind of. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Well, not a spasm, but just everything seems to like tighten up.

Wow, does it feel good at all?

Weird feeling. But yeah, this one, this one lady, she like brings a freaking suitcase full of toys with her when she comes.

Wow, wow.

So you're watching that? I mean, Jeff, wait, okay, so let me back up because you were like, first of all, you sound like a different man. You sound like, you sound like a young man, and you have this, this lift in your voice, and you were just like a different person. And because you said, I, I just want to please a woman, I've never even done that. And I said, you know, there's a lot of women that just want to be pleased. It's not all about a working penis, and you can still pleasure and give pleasure, and now you're like, you've been busy with all these women. I'm just— you are my hero, Jeff.

Yeah, there's, there's been a few that have let me, um, enter into the, the giving of oral sex too.

Okay.

You know, but I get more, I get more fun out of watching them.

Wow, watching them masturbate. Yeah, or watching them together.

Kind of a, kind of a whole different world for me, and it's really exciting.

Wow, Jeff.

I wanted to thank you for, you know, turning me into that kind of direction, you know, as far as putting myself out there where I, you know, I was too afraid to do that before. And now you've given me some— you have given me some, you know, some sense of life, I guess you would say. Thank you.

Oh, Jeff, thank you. I mean, that, that's the thing, like, I just gave you some suggestions, but you, you were brave and you took the step. and that's all it is. And Jeff, I'm so overwhelmed with joy for you right now.

I tell them before we get going, you know, I explain my situation and what my body looks like and everything, so I tell them, I say, "Hey, let me go get into something more comfortable." So I'll go put on my pajamas, I'll go put on some pajamas, you know, and it's a little bit more relaxing for me.

Great.

And, you know, they can't see everything, so—

Wow. Okay, well, you know, who knows? I'm telling you, I know that you've had that experience, but I think like one step at a time. Time, but it sounds like you're making— you have some relationships and you have some pleasure and you're feeling things in your body that you probably haven't felt before.

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of scary.

It's scary or good scary or just like, I can't believe it's possible?

Both.

Okay, well, go easy, you know.

But I think that's more scarier because it's something that, you know, I haven't ever experienced, ever.

Okay. But it's not painful.

It's just a new experience. No, it's not painful at all. It's kind of a—

You know, people with disabilities can learn how to have orgasms, even if they don't have genitalia that will allow them to. I remember, you know, learning this in even in grad school, in my sex grad school about people with disability. I remember there was a man, a quadriplegic who, who had, couldn't, didn't have any sensation below his waist, but he ended up learning with a partner how to, when his ear was touched, just lightly in his ear, he would have an orgasm that way because really, sex is energy, arousal is energy, and so we have all these nerve endings, right?

I can't have an orgasm at all. My prostate's gone. It's history.

Well, you could still learn to experience pleasure though. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't think that your nerve endings are dead. I'm just saying that there's just—

I was gonna ask you about that. I was just listening to you. Talking about some kind of a pump.

Well, I was talking about— oh, a penis pump. I mean, a penis pump is okay. The penis pumps have temporary results. It's also a blood flow thing, but I mean, sure, you could try it. A penis pump starts to— because listen, it is blood flow. It might feel good to you. There's a lot of things like penis pumps. They're essentially— use them in the shower and they go around your penis and they apply pressure. To your penis and it can allow it to experience, you know, it's kind of like a massage for your penis, but it also helps to stimulate blood flow. If you haven't touched it in years, I mean, without a prostate, can actually—

that can actually happen to somebody?

You can actually feel pleasure. Yes, you can feel pleasure without a prostate. You can. There might still be some nerve endings.

Why the hell hasn't nobody ever told me this before? I'm 70 years old.

Oh God.

Well, I'm telling you because people don't know. Because you know why? Because doctors, like MDs that you go to see, you know, I don't want to say they are also heroes and they do a lot of great work in medical school and it's a lot of time and energy, but they actually, what I know from a lot of friends who are doctors, they only, they have like a sex education training, sex ed for like a half day. They don't even really talk about this stuff, so we're really focused on other things. Even without a prostate, you could still have pleasure is what I'm saying. There's a lot of nerve endings on your penis, even if it's, you know, you have challenges with it. You can, it's a concern, I understand that, but I believe that everything's possible. And I also believe that a lot of sexual arousal and desire is in our head. We think that we have to just, you know, that it's just one way, but you could start to thinking about it or seeing a specialist that maybe we could work on it. And let me look into it for you a little bit. There's some hormones you could take. There's some other things you could do. I don't think that this is over now. Look, you're starting to feel things that you haven't felt before. Let's just go with that right now. Right?

Some exciting stuff going on there.

I'm feeling that.

Yeah, I mean, just because you can't ejaculate does not mean you can't have an orgasm. All right. Thank you for calling. I love that you called. Please call back in. I'm here for you. Okay.

You're helping.

Of course. All right, so now we're going to get into some of your emails. I love hearing from you. You can always email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Com, or just go to our website. Have you checked out our new website? We just launched it, and there's a form there that makes it easy for you to send it along. As always, just include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And I'm cool if you change your name. All right, this is from Emily, 24, in Boston. Hey, Dr. Emily, first off, I want to say I'm a new listener, but that ever since I found you via Masterclass, my life has dramatically and positively changed. My self-confidence in the bedroom has gone down in recent years due to, due to an emotionally abusive relationship. But after listening to your podcast, I even started from the 2011 episodes. It started to make me feel comfortable again with my body and my sexuality. I haven't felt this sexy or horny in so long, and I often feel really excited to masturbate, try new things, and explore myself again after listening to your tips and advice. So thank you so much. But anyways, as much as my confidence has improved, as comfortable as I'm starting to feel about being horny and exploring myself, I have a lot of insecurities I'm trying to put out of my head every time I get back into the bedroom with my boyfriend. He's expressed in a not Emily-approved way, LOL, that he was unsatisfied with how lacking our sex life was, how he wanted me to spice things up in the bedroom, specifically requesting I get on top more often and be dominant. Here's the thing, I used to love being on top and being dominant and aggressive, but I've been so out of practice and very, very rarely ride him or dominate him. Super insecure about doing it. Before I found your podcast, which has truly been a saving grace, I was watching porn to try to learn how to ride a man, which made me more insecure. So it kind of set me into this spiral of lacking self-confidence in this skill and being legit, legitimately afraid of doing it. With all that being said, and I'm sorry this is long, I have a simple question for you. How do I confidently ride a dick? I know it's supposed to be good when it feels good for me, but it doesn't really feel good for me because I'm always so in my head during the times I'm riding. If you have any tips how I should approach it, how I should lower myself onto it, do I grind, do I bounce, how the heck am I supposed to do reverse cowgirl? I would be infinitely grateful. I want sex to continue to be something I love, that I'm not insecure about or scared of, but I'm still pretty young, so by listening to you and gaining these insights, skills, and tips for being confident in bed are lessons that will last me a lifetime. I hope my confidence and knowledge about sex and sex positivity will only grow more listening to your podcast. Thanks for everything. Hoping to hear back from you. Best, your fellow Emily. All right, Emily, thank you for this email. Well, first, thank you so much for letting me know how the show's helped you, and you've really done your your homework. You are an A student for listening to the podcast and improving self-confidence. But there's only so much we can do by listening, right? Eventually we have to try out the things that scare us, and it sounds like one of those is taking control of your own pleasure in the bedroom. And this comes with practice, and you are young. We don't come out of the womb knowing how to ride a dick. It takes practice. And especially now, Emily, that you have the confidence in your body, this is just another this is just another hurdle. Just think of this as like another thing. It might be awkward at first, but just start doing it. You wanna just start trying out being more dominant and getting back on top. First off, here's how you could think about it. You could say to him, okay, I'm ready to get back on top, but how about we're in it together? Because the pressure of feeling like I have to perform while I'm taking my training wheels off is a little intimidating. And sometimes just by Just by saying, will you support me in this? Can we like communicate with our eyes? Can you tell me what feels good? Might give you a little bit more confidence when the act happens. Now, before that, you can practice in the bedroom by yourself alone. Use a vibrator, practice putting like a magic wand or an insertable toy or any clitoral toy like into a pillow and then grinding on it. And seeing how do I want to move on this thing? That's why I recommend getting a dildo or like an insertable vibe. Like the We-Vibe Brave is a great one and you just like stick it into the pillows and you literally mount it and ride it and just see what feels good to me. The key here is finding the right angle, the right depth, the right speed. And so when you get on top of him, I think you want to go slow. You want to really move and start breathing into your body and saying, what feels good to me? Now, you could do it where your knees are on either side and you lower down onto him. And then a lot of it is a back and forth motion. I don't think the bouncing up and down— well, it looks good in porn— actually feels good for either party. His penis can slip out. It's not hitting your clitoris. Or any of your hot spots. So I would try to go slow, find the right angle, move your hips in circular motions and go slow. You can also grind. Maybe you do a grinding back and forth because remember the clitoris, it really helps with the clitoris to be stimulated. So you could stimulate yourself with your hands. He could stimulate you with his hands. You could also use a vibrator on your clitoris. He could play with your breasts. So think of it like a joystick pattern, like you're going back and forth and side to side. You could do it in a circular motion, like where you're going around to one side and then you're slowly moving around the other side. I've even heard people say like draw a W where you're with your hips. So first you're going up, then you're going back, then you're going forward, like literally drawing a W or an M going in a circle. You could also squat on your hands and feet, but you're not using really your leg motion. That also allows you to grind more. And when you're doing this really mindfully, you can tell him, I'm gonna slow down and I'm gonna breathe, and I'm gonna try to find the angle and the depth and the speed where I feel like I'm hitting my spot. You could, you could also lie in his chest and rub your breasts against his chest, a little bit closer motion. So you're sort of hold, it's a lot more intimate. You could try again, like grinding and then moving up and down while you're sliding on his chest. So those are some of my tips for you to get comfortable with it. I think full transparency, being honest, practicing on your own and not giving up because it takes a little bit of time. Now, once you, you get this motion, then you can practice the reverse cowgirl if you'd like. That's more about kind of spinning around, or you could get off and then remount him. Or you could spin around and you could kind of lay back with your head back on his chest. And then you start kind of sliding up back and forth on his penis. You're still not bouncing in this position, but if you're lying with the back of your head on his chest, then you could use your hands to push you up and down. But let's start with cowgirl. See how that goes. And you don't have to get on top and then dominate. You could get on top and dominate him by saying, touch my clit, rub my breasts, use some lube. And if you start to get frustrated, you can just take a few deep breathers, have him get back on top of you. But the more you can do it without the anxiety and the worry, and the more you can bring him into your experience, the more likely you are to give yourself permission to learn how to enjoy this experience. So deep breaths. Practice this when you're masturbating as well, and have fun with it. Okay. Okay, thanks for the email, Emily. I appreciate it. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, I'm answering an email about what to do if your boyfriend will not communicate openly with you about your sex life, even if you've tried and tried and tried. All right, this is from Kayla, 26, in Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've really enjoyed your podcast, and it's helped me with discussing my sex life with my partner. We've been together 2 and a half years. And over the past 6 months my partner has stopped trying to make me orgasm as often as they used to. Normally I give oral to him and then we have intercourse. However, it lasts less than 5 minutes. I was becoming unsatisfied as our sex life to me used to be great. On top of that issue and a new birth control I've been on, my sex drive began to decrease, which is abnormal for me. My partner brought up how he felt that he can no longer make me orgasm, and I explained to him what turns me on and how important it is to have foreplay before sex, as I can't orgasm with without it. We actually had this talk about 3 times, but nothing changed. It has always been outside the bedroom, and I've been using your tips regarding time, tone, and turf. Well, last night he was very clearly upset and brought it up right after sex that he feels he does not make me happy in the bedroom. I told him I felt it wasn't appropriate to discuss it at this time. He kept bringing it up, so I was getting to the point where I did have to explain to him that I tried to be honest several times and tell him what I need in order to have an orgasm. But if nothing has changed, I'm still not gonna have one. What do you recommend I do? It's been frustrating for both of us. I don't know how many more times I have to say it to him. He refuses to talk during sex. I try to lean him towards foreplay, moving his hands, or tell him before we get started, but he doesn't even listen to the conversation. Do I wait to see what happens after this last conversation? Do you have additional advice? Thanks for your help. Oh, okay, Kayla, this sounds really, really frustrating. And yes, it does sound like you're taking my advice about doing it outside bedroom. Timing, turf, and tone. You do not want to have it when you're having sex, after sex. You know, only if you're in pain should you actually say like, ouch, or can we try another position. But when you want to have a productive, constructive conversation about the mechanics of your sex life, you do it outside the bedroom. Okay, so you have to have a conversation with him again outside the bedroom. And I know you're really frustrated and you've done it 3 times, and I don't even say you wait. It sounds like the last one was really contentious. So this one's a little bit different. This one says, listen, I know we both love each other. We've been together 2 and a half years. We both want to have great sex. We want to feel good to each other. I know it's frustrating for you that I can't orgasm. I'd love to know that we're both working on our sex life together. Now, I've let you know that I will not orgasm without foreplay. For example, and then you lay out specific examples. I love when we make out. When you slowly undress me and go down on me and give me oral for at least 20 minutes, I feel so much more relaxed in my body. And that's how it's going to happen. When it doesn't happen, I'm not able to have an orgasm. You get frustrated and I'm not really sure what to do. And so I'm thinking you could help me problem solve. So maybe you could start by repeating back to me me what you just heard me say. Now, this is a practice. This is a communication practice, and I don't want it to sound like you are belittling him or, you know, by saying repeat back to me. But I think it's really important here because it sounds to me like something is getting lost in translation. So you could say, does that make sense to you? And then see what he says. Oh yeah, foreplay. I did foreplay. And you could say, no, this is— this is— I'd love you to repeat it back to me. And then I want you to tell me what you need And then I'll repeat it back to you to make sure that we are hearing each other and we're on the same page, because I'm just not sure what to do. You know, if we're not able to both be healthy contributors to our sex life, I'm not sure where to go from here. And you can tell him that it's frustrating, but I really need you to keep it so it's a little bit more collaborative and inclusive. And what can we do rather than allowing your frustration and blaming him? Because I know that's how you feel. 'Cause it is frustrating. Maybe he just doesn't get what foreplay means. Maybe he doesn't, maybe there's something about foreplay. You could say to him, babe, you can be honest to me. It's confusing to me because I really thought that I've said it, but I will totally take responsibility if maybe I haven't been as clear. Let's work on this together. So maybe something will come out from this. He'll say, well, foreplay doesn't turn me on when I'm going down on you. I mean, it doesn't turn me on. Oh, we're always in a rush. I mean, maybe more will come out. And then what you have to do, Kayla, is listen to him and say, okay, so what I hear you saying is there doesn't seem to be enough time for us to have foreplay. Now that's just my example. So this is how everybody can have healthier conversations is when we become active listeners, we repeat back what we heard, and then we come up with a solution. Now, maybe he just needs more information. A lot of couples listen to my show together. I hear from you every day. You either bookmark part of a show and you send them a clip, or you listen while you're making dinner together. And then also the important thing is find out what he needs from you. As I said, there might be something else going on that we're not sure, but you can tell him how important it is to you to have foreplay, to feel like he's invested in your pleasure, and it doesn't feel like you'll be able to get back to a healthy sex place if this healthy communication and listening doesn't happen. Now, you also said that it's about the birth control. If that's truly what's going on, remember, we all have the right to go back to our doctor, go back to our gynecologist, and try another non-hormonal birth control. Try something that maybe doesn't give you that side effect. We do not have to live with the side effects of these medications. So go back, back, listen, be calm, and then see where it goes from there. And listen, if he just doesn't want to listen to it, he doesn't want to make a change, you have every right to say, well, then I don't think this relationship is working. We all deserve partners who are invested in the sexual health of our relationship, and if he is not, I say it's time to walk. This next email is from Steve. Dear Dr. Emily Morse, good morning. I listen to your show and I love all your advice. I'm very attracted to my wife. I wish she was more attracted to me. When we make love, it's spectacular, usually 3 to 4 times a month. I wish it was more. I've hinted but have not been successful. She's going through menopause and says it's part of the reason and is taking supplements. She tells me she loves me, but we're not having sex as much as we'd like. Please advise. All right, Steve, first off, I love that she let you know that she's experiencing some menopause symptoms, and a lot of that can be loss of libido and dryness, and it might be some pain. Now let me go to this. You said that you hinted, you hinted to her that it was more, but you actually need to tell her. You actually need to talk to her about it. You need to have healthy communication using the 3 Ts: timing, tone, and turf. Do it outside the bedroom at a time when you're hanging out and you are being, you know, you're chill and you're curious and your tone is light. And collaborative. Tell her how much you enjoy the sex you're having, and you hear what she's saying about menopause and how she's not as much in the mood, and you love that she's taking supplements, but you feel that when you're not connected intimately, it's really hard for you because you miss it and you love the intimacy. So you could ask her what she recommends. Maybe you could get curious and say, when are you most in the mood for sex? Tell me about the most memorable time we've had sex, and I'll tell you And then you can break it down together and see, well, what happened in those evenings? Was it— I just asked someone the other day and they said, oh, it was when my partner slowly undressed me and he licked my nipples and he took time and, and then he told me how hot I was. And, you know, it's things like that. Most of us, many of us, all genders have responsive desire. It's not spontaneous. We don't walk around, just it hits us over the head that we're in the mood for sex. We need to understand our desire cycle, arousal, what gets us going. And it's a, it's a conversation you have several times, you know, download our pleasure planner. It's a new download on our site, sexwithemily.com. Just look for pleasure planner. It's free. And it's a guide for everybody, whether you're in a relationship or not, to look at the questions like I'm asking you here, Steve, where did you have pleasure last year? What worked for you? What didn't? How are you going to plan it in the future? You might find that when she takes a bath and she has time to relax, or she uses her vibrator, That's when she's most in the mood. Find out what it is. And for many couples, it's scheduling sex. It's like, maybe she says, well, on the weekends, I feel more in the mood. Well, then you know Saturday morning or Saturday night or Sunday, you're going to have sex and then you look forward to it. Maybe she can start to do some of the things that actually get her in the mood. Maybe she needs to work out, make sure the house is clean. Maybe she wants you to give her a massage. So just finding out when she's been the most turned on and what's gotten her there. Might help as well. Sharing fantasies, downloading our Yes, No, Maybe list is helpful for so many couples. So understanding it changes, your sex life will come back, and let her know that you are a willing participant who loves her and you want to find a way to keep the intimacy alive and going and how important it is, and you're willing to support whatever needs to happen so you can continue to connect on that level. All right, Steve, thanks for your email. I appreciate it. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode. It was really fun for us to hear your success stories, to hear that you took some advice, you went, you implemented it, and then what you learned from it. And so I'd love to do more of these episodes. So feel free to email me and let us know how the show's helped you. And also, I think it really helps our listeners to see that it's possible that wherever you're at now, sexually, you can move the needle. You don't have to stay there. And the only reason why you're stuck where you're at right now is because you haven't taken the next step. Maybe you haven't had that difficult conversation. You haven't looked at what your roadblocks are. So I just want to tell everyone again, all my listeners, how much I love you and I appreciate you, because without you, we could not continue into our 16th year doing the show. And your success is is everyone's success because you're an inspiration. And I just thank you for being open, for being honest, for being vulnerable and sharing your stories with me and the listeners. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays, and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all @sexwithemily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating, or relationships, email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Sexwithemily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific, and call me 888-94-STARS. That's 888-947-8277. Get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com/sxm. You can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com/emilymorse. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.