Sugar, Spice & Everything Naughty

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh, my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, which is actually an extension of this show with useful information to help you out. You can also find us on social media. It's exwithemily, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, across the board. Really, wherever you are on social, we're there. Same with our podcast, you guys. You could find us on Spotify, Google Play, iHeartRadio, SoundCloud, and of course, on itunes. We love when you comment and subscribe on itunes. It's fabulous. It makes us so happy. Right, team? I'm here with my team.

It does.

Yay. Hi, Jamie and Sarah.

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello, hello. We are here today to talk about many things that could help your sex life and help you this month of October, which is the Halloween month, right? Like, you go into the stores and all of a sudden you're like, really? Already? Like, there's the, you know, the candy corn and the paper, you know, skeletons and whatever happens. So we want to make it, but also Halloween. I think that's what the paper skeletons remind me of. One called Seymour Bones that my friend's dad for years used to send us in college. One of those paper skeletons that you hang up. And we would call it Seymour Bones. And I had a very emotional attachment to him. So anyway, we do a lot of budget, and when we're kids, it's like the best time of year. Halloween. So exciting. And then you get older and you're like, oh, I gotta go out. I gotta dress up. And for many people, for many women, you know, it was like, oh, I wanna dress something really sexy, something really out there that we might not wear other days of the year. So, um, we're gonna talk to you about how to maybe find something sexy or something that actually feels true to you and kind of have. Have a dual purpose. What are you guys thinking about Halloween? Anything yet? Anything on your radar?

I don't know. I just like this time of year. I love scary movies, so I just feel like I have, like, an extra excuse to watch them during this month. My dad makes the house look really, really cool for Halloween.

You're one of those homes. I love that.

He used to do a lot more when we were younger, and now that we're like, both me and my brother out of the house, it's like just these pumpkins, but it's like a really cool display of pumpkins. So it's just. I don't know, it's fun and I do like dressing up.

Yeah, yeah, it's fun. Fun, fun, fun. Okay, so we've got some. Anything with you. Sarah, how do you feel about Halloween?

I like Halloween.

It's fun. I like to do spooky things. Pumpkin carving's always cool.

I like pumpkin carving. We could pumpkin carve. Oh, I was thinking that I got one on my. Someone there's a politician in my neighborhood who every year drops off a pumpkin. Like I got a full blown pumpkin that's cool on my porch. And I was gonna bring it to the office. I thought we could make use of it.

We should. We'll carve some kind of like vibrator into it.

Something. We could get clever. We certainly could. But when we're adults, you know, you still can't escape. But Halloween's around and I like it. I like going to a fun party with friends. But I think there are some cool things you can do if you're in a relationship or just dating or even with your friends. It could be fun. Adult Halloween activities. Haunted houses. Do they have fun haunted houses in la?

Yeah, there's a lot. They're, I mean, well, in la it's cool because you can go if you want to. You can go to Universal Studios or, you know, you can go to Six Flags or not Scary Farm as they like to call it. Universal is probably the best because it's movie quality, right? So those are always really fun to do.

Oh, you can go there and see a movie.

No, at Universal they do. It's called Haunted Horror Night. So they. The park closes at like 6pm and then it reopens at night. And it's like they have like people dressed up in movie quality, like monster scary type things. It's not for the people that are faint of heart. Like literally it's very like people chase real people, chase you with like chainsaws and like things and they don't touch you. So that's like the thing if you're scared. The thing to remember is they are not allowed to touch you. It's literally just to scare you. And you go on these mazes so you walk through these things and they're like movie themed. So there's like Friday the 13th or there's like this year they have Stranger things or it's fun.

Okay, that's fun.

But there's also just random Halloween haunted houses around.

What I like about that is because we were. We always talk about how couples who do something like that sort of produces a lot of adrenaline with each other. Can be like a fun event, like skydiving. But you don't have to skydive. You could see a scary movie or go to a scary themed event, and that, in turn, can enhance your connection. Funny enough, being scared out of your mind with your partner is like a connecting experience.

Yeah. And I feel like if you are really scared and your partner's really good at comforting you, that's just, like, a good thing to know in general for other things.

And then if your partner is the one running with their eyes closed, you know, and not comforting, that's also a good thing to know.

Right. Because then you're like, okay, like, if this was a real situation.

Exactly. If there's a real thing going down now. I know. Carrie, pepper spray. Carrie, pepper spray. For sure. Okay, what else? We got our pumpkin patches.

Yeah, there's some, like, tame things. It doesn't have to be scary. Like, pumpkin patches can be fun. Hay rides, things like that. I mean, just going to a Halloween party to dress up.

Well, you know what's funny, though? When I was in college. Back up. It was not sexy. Like, sexy Halloween is like a newer, ish thing. I think that we were more being judged around. Like, you'd be judged, I think, or it just wasn't a thing. Like, you wouldn't walk around. How I get. I didn't know that in the 90s. No. It was like, I. I should bring in. Because now that I'm going through the garage and cleaning out. I was a crayon one year. Like, I was wearing all blue, and then I had, like, made, like, a blue cardboard, you know, hat. Like, so cute. Yeah. Like, I was a crayon. All my friends were crayons. Like, the five months. And then one year, I was a bumblebee. Like, I was in a black velvet thing. Like, nothing sexy. Okay. This wasn't like that in the 90s.

Which is funny because they do make sexy bumblebees.

Well, now you could be a sexy bumblebee. But we were not sexy. I was not sexy. There was nothing sexy. There was no skin. Skin bearing. Like, it was just not a sexy time in that way. We thought. I thought I was cute and attractive maybe at the time, but no, no, sexy Halloween is probably in the last 15 years.

Okay.

So interesting. Yeah. So anyway, that was that. But Right. We all like. But what I like about this is dressing sexy is. Is not to do it just to do it. Just because you're like, okay, I'm gonna go find the sexiest thing I can. I'm gonna wear no clothes. I'm gonna wear these thigh highs and some bustier. But you don't really, like, feel like it's you. You're just doing it to go out maybe, and be sexy. But I think it'd be fun to find something that actually speaks to you in a sexy sense, because it could also be a great gateway into, like, role playing. Like, I love role play, and I think that role play is effective for so many people and so many couples, but they just. There's a huge barrier to entry. Like, you were like, I would know how to start. It'd be weird if I showed up as the mailman one day. Like, how do I just show up and do that? So. So I think if you are in a relate. Like, I just. After I was reading this, like, I texted my boyfriend, I'm like, let's dress up together. Because I think that can actually be fun to play it together.

So you go out to a party as a couple's costume, and then you come home and you keep on partying, but in the bedroom. Yeah, I like that idea a lot, because then it's like, for the people that are like, well, I don't want to just, like, go out and get, like, a costume of some sort for no reason. And not that roleplay needs a costume, but it makes it a little bit more fun. And so this is kind of like your excuse. You're like, okay, like, we can get into this kind of role throughout the party, in a sense, like, because people are like, oh, I knew what your costume is. And then you go home, and then you're like, okay, let's continue this. And it doesn't have to be this, like, super elaborate, like, great sketch, I think, either. I think people put too much pressure on themselves for roleplay.

No, but if you're like, doctor, patient, you could be like, I think I feel my forehead. I think I have. I think it's. I have a flu coming on. You know, it's like, done. You're in. Doctor, doctor. I think that people just realize once they get over that hump that it's actually really fun to kind of step outside yourself.

Let me take your temperature.

Let me take your temperature from behind.

Oh, okay. So that's just some. It's another. It's another fun way. If you're just gonna sit home and you don't feel like doing anything. You're like, oh, it's annoying Halloween. But just maybe even something Sexy. You already have. Like, go out and do something fun.

What would. What would your ideal couple's costume be?

Oh, God. Now I know I've been thinking about that, like, because I'm trying to think of what my couple's costume would be.

Maybe since we went to Greece this summer, some kind of, like, Grecian goddess or something.

Yes, exactly. Aphrodite. And so funny side note, being Greece, like, you'd meet someone, she's like, hello, I'm Aphrodite. Like, I'm. You know, they'd have all the. You know, I'm Pegasus. I'm like, really? You are all you people. So, yeah, that's gonna be able to do. Since it's also thematic. What about you guys? What would you do?

Oh, for a while, I've been thinking about, like, doing a Catwoman slash Batman kind of thing. Wonder Woman kind of thing. And then you get to, like, play with that idea of, like, light BDSM or, like, I don't know, it's an excuse to do something dominating. And play with leather.

Yes. So play with leather. I like it.

I'm not really sure. I haven't. Like, this is gonna be, like, my first Halloween where I have a partner. I don't think we're gonna be doing a couples costume either. But I think I always thought it would be really cool to do. And I know this is kind of, like, cliche in the sense of, like, the Friends trope, but I think it'd be really cool to do, like, the Leia and the Princess Leia and the bikini thing, though, with, like, Han Solo.

Yeah. What do you mean Friends trope? They did it on Friends.

Yeah, Like, Ross. It was, like, Ross's, like, fantasy to have. Oh, yeah, what's her name? Shit, I love this show.

Rachel.

Rachel. I can't even believe I did that. Shame on me. Anyways, Rachel dress up as it. And then she does, and he's like, almost can't even do anything because he's so taken aback by.

Yeah. Like, some kind of fantasies that you both have. Right. Like, dress up. Like, that would. I could see that happening, actually, if you're really into Star wars or something. And if you're not into costumes, you can still role play. If you don't want to go out and buy a costume, you can just make up your own scenarios. It's really just about acting as if you're someone having a dialogue that you're someone else.

Yeah. Just, like, the thought of it, it's fun. Like, I. I'm not super into the. I like lingerie, but I'm not super into, like, coming into a character kind of sense. But I do like the idea of, like, you know, someone comes into your room, it's like this sexy stranger, but in a sense, like, it's like an intruder, but it's like. Gives you that sense of danger, but it's like, fun.

That is fun. Yeah. Danger. Master slave.

That could be cool too, if you're like, want to kind of test the waters of some BDSM aspects. Do a master slave type situation.

Like, your only purpose is there. Like, if you're the slave, like, your only purpose is to serve. Serve their pleasure. And it's kind of hot.

That is hot. That's a great scenario right there. There's also some Halloween fetishes you may never have heard of. This might inspire you in for Halloween or for life.

That is cool. I didn't even know that there was, like, Halloween themed.

I know, I know. Here you go. There's spectrophilia, and this is a paraphilia in which a person's. A person experiences sexual attraction to and sexual arousal by ghosts, spirits and specter figures in mirrors. They get really into this fetish and they claim to have sex with ghosts.

I mean, if that's your thing. That's super cool. I just. Like, how. I just wondered, like, how do you even know that you're having sex with a ghost? Like, how would that feel? Would it just be really cold? Can they get erections when they're spirits?

Right?

Is it.

You can't really get your heart, your hat, your hands around them either.

Right.

Not a lot of cuddling with a ghost.

Like, do you think it just kind of fills your body as a spirit and then, like, you have an orgasm?

Yeah, maybe, like, the ghost did maybe have that orgasm. It says it's because we have. Humans have been obsessed with understanding their place in the world and life after death. And per the nature of fetishes, you know, if it exists. In the case of ghosts, if it doesn't exist, a human can develop a sexual interest in. In it. So we just kind of get our brains, link up something, and then eroticize it. So ghosts? Why not clowns? I found this interesting cholerophilia. A lot of people freaked out by clowns, and it can get kind of hot. So this involves sexual attraction to clowns, mimes, and jesters, just to name a few.

So be my nightmare.

So there was an evil clown epidemic that was all over the news.

Yeah, the people were, like, just coming out of forests that.

Yeah, See, now I have one. Just reading that now I'm afraid of a scary clown. So I'm not into that, but.

Right, but if you are, it's cool. It's just. Oh, my gosh, no.

Are you afraid of clowns?

I mean, I'm not afraid of them out. I'm not afraid of them now. But when I was younger, I was terrified of clowns.

Yeah, same.

And I just remember going to my neighbor's door on Halloween and he was wearing a clown mask, but he was doing like a double headed clown mask thing. Like, it was two people and it was scary and he was walking really weird and I freaked out and I like, ran away and he like, the neighbor felt really bad about it. But I'm like, you know, three years old. It's like, like traumatic. I was like, yeah, you got like.

The big feet and the big nose. Like, who decided that clowns were cool for kids anyway? Like, there's nothing. They're just fun. I think they're more for adults because as a kid you're like, what? Like, I like that you're blowing up a balloon and stuff. That's the fun part. You know, they blow up balloons. Clowns, they. They. People would hire a clown to come, but otherwise they're scary. The big feet, the nose of things. Okay, there's also. What else? Domination. This is another one. Halloween. Lots of costumes involve dominatrix or submissive characters. It's the perfect time to experiment with this fetish. Very 50 Shades of Gray. And we know that we. There's so much out there that you could get for something kinky a la 50 Shades.

Yeah.

When I'm down for that latex, that.

One I'm down for.

I'm down. You know what? I could be like a Grecian goddess. Beady dominatrix, perhaps. I like combining things. Yeah. Like, I. For many years, I was Queen Midas. Like, everything I touched turns to gold. I was all gold. Even though it's not a thing. I like being like, no, that's cool. Princess and Queens. It was cool. Maybe I'll bring it back.

You could be like, instead of wearing like a white toga, it's like a black toga.

Yeah.

Leather. Yeah. I have all these things. Slate. I do at home. People said, I think I'm gonna.

That's awesome.

I know I should. It is hot. Okay. I'm really excited now for Halloween. Okay. Exhibitionism. So we all know people are wearing less clothing on Halloween, but if you're into exhibitionism, As a fetish. It's the perfect time to do it because it's about getting a reaction from an unsuspecting person seeing you naked, which is not necessarily consensual, so. Which is why this is better as a fantasy. This is a really common one. People having sex in public or going to play parties and wanting people to watch them having sex in there or even in their backyard, because it kind of like, unless your neighbors are looking, but just this thought of, like, that you could get caught.

Yeah, definitely.

You guys have any of that in you?

Yeah, I've. I haven't ventured into that in quite some time.

Well, now you've, like, 16 roommates. You could just do it in the living room.

Yeah, but I mean. I mean, I'm not. I'm not gonna. I. I have had sex with other people in the room.

Right.

And not. Not, like, cared.

Got it.

So.

Okay.

Yeah.

But I like this idea, too. I do. Exhibition. That can be. That can be hot and fun. Having sex with pumpkins because they're shaped like buttocks. They're good for carving holes into. They're firm on the outside. They're squishy on the inside and have a hard phallic stem. Jesus. Everything's phallic. You'll find phallic. Phallic symbols and everything, Right?

Yeah, I mean.

I bet. I guess it's, like, squishy.

I can see, like, that's why you're bringing the pumpkin to the office.

Well, no, now I'm not bringing the pumpkin to the office. Like, now I don't want to come back and it's all mashed in. Somebody had sex with the pumpkin. I'm like, I just wanted to make seeds. Now I can't. They're tainted. Like, what happened? No. Hands off my pumpkin. Hands off my free pumpkin. Okay. However, the smell of pumpkin.

Good transition.

Not just penetrating a pumpkin that turns people on, but the scent of pumpkin. I think that's true. Pumpkin candles smell good. The smell, though, of pumpkin blindly selling it. Oh. So the smell, according to one clever study, had men blindly sell different scents while measuring their penis growth, marking their arousal. And they found that pumpkin, when combined with another flavor, was the biggest turn on. So rub pumpkin spice in your body.

That's what I was gonna say. Maybe there is something to this, like, pumpkin spice craze that takes over during this time.

Exactly. Like Starbucks has their pumpkin thing.

They're really wanting you to get it on.

They drag it on until December. Right. Like, even after.

They'Re a business, they're like, people love these pumpkins. The only thing that I like, the only thing that I'm obsessed with quarterly or like for holidays is Cadbury eggs. Like, I get excited when Cadbury eggs come out. And every year it's a little sooner. Like they're April's, is, is Easter, but they come out in like February, like right after Valentine's Day or during. And they're just. I used to hoard, I used to like stock up on them. And the day of Easter, they're on sale. You can like anyway. I love that.

No, they're really good.

But pumpkin's good too. I'm cool with that. So basically we're just saying have some fun with that. You can't escape it. Like, I feel like. And you know what? I love that we're talking about this now is because I think even last year I don't remember what I was doing. I was like, I'm just not gonna do anything. I'm busy, I'm not gonna go out. And I realized that it's just something fun. It's something different whether you're in a relationship or not. You know you're gonna be going to a party or going somewhere or even if you go to a fun movie and it's a night that most people are like having fun. They're on board, they're getting outside of themselves, they're acting as something else, as someone else. And it's just, it's fun. Like you're letting go. And I think a lot of us are high strung, uptight, anxious, much of the world right now. And if you can just kind of let go and have a good night and then turn into something sexy when you're like deliberate, intentional with what you decide to wear and present, it could be a whole different kind of evening. And maybe come home with some Milk duds or something. Yeah, they're my favorite candy. That and Cadbury Eggs. Gotta say. Okay, moving on. These are the messages most likely to turn people off from dating you. I mean, it makes sense that this is a whole art now and there's a whole theories and philosophies behind texting. Because it used to be like, what do you say on the first call? Like, what are you going to talk about? Should you call someone? No, no one's even calling. It's like the messages, it's all about the text messages. So here's six things most likely to put a potential date off in the early stages of dating. But before I get into this, can you guys tell me, have you ever been in a relationship or things are going along with someone new and you're like, oh, God, no, not that emoji or not that text. I'm done. Like, is there anything in your mind that you think that could really piss me off if someone text that or said that or just maybe excite you? Either way.

Yeah. I mean, it kind of. It really does kind of depend. I think, one, you have to get used to someone's texting style because everyone is different as far as texting. But my main thing that when I pay attention to texting, that has been like, just. I guess it wouldn't be like one specific image or different thing. I don't like when someone uses too many emojis. Like, if they're always like, emojis are for specific things and it should not be in, like, every single text. And then it just gets too much. And then I'm like, what are you really. Like, what are you asking here?

Right. Exactly. Use your words.

Yeah, I'm very into the using the words kind of a thing.

Right. Anything. You're pretty good, Sarah.

With things that I don't like. As far as text, I don't know.

Yeah. Is there anything that you're like, we could read some of these, see if they jog your mind here, see how these make you feel. So these are the six things most likely to put a potential date off in the early stages of dating.

Okay. Receiving just one answer to a number of questions asked in a previous message from 40% rude. So, like, that is rude. But let me. Let me understand this. Like, what if you're like, hey, hope you're having. You know, how. How'd that meeting go last night with your boss? So I was thinking this weekend maybe we could get. Go to the movies. Are there movies you wanted to see? Or maybe get some dinner. And she's like, meeting was great with boss. And like, that was the end of the. Like, you don't answer the other questions. Is that what they're saying?

Yeah, that's what they're saying.

You're avoiding the questions that you actually. Or is it that you're busy and you don't have time to answer?

I don't know. I mean, it really. I think it depends. I think when this one. What they're saying is like, if they were like, hey, so we're. If. Are we still going to your friend's house next Saturday? And if so, like, what do I wear? And what time are we going? And they're like, we're going at Six. And that's.

Oh, that's annoying. And then you're like, what do I wear? Where do they live? How long?

Because then you have to repeat yourself, which is annoying. And then also, I just think this is annoying. I don't care if you're. I'm dating.

I agree.

Or anything.

Like.

I would like that. Yeah, I agree. Okay. Receiving too many messages is the second most. Second largest offense here. 35% of people. Too many, like, a barrage of texts. Like, you wake up, you had a great date, and they're like, am I gonna see you again? It was really fun.

I think this could be two different things also. It could be, one, receiving just too many messages in general before you've responded. And two, some people, that's just how they text. So it kind of depends. Like, you. Like I said, getting used to people's texting style. So they're just like, something that could have been in one text. And send, like, four.

My friend used to do that. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Each word was a. Yeah.

And especially if you're on the phone and you're doing something else and it keeps popping up and you're like, oh, my God, it's getting so annoying.

Like.

I think that's a good point. I think it's good to be mindful around your. Like, I don't do this, but I would like to be more mindful about. Okay, no, but think about it beforehand rather than just like, oh, and this and this and this, and just kind of think about what you're gonna say and then. And then text it along. Not too many cheesy selfies. 34%.

That would be weird. Yeah.

I don't know. I. I've had guys send me cheesy. Like, we've said before, I think that women are just a lot of us. We know the art of the selfie. We know the light. We know how to do it. And I think guys, sometimes they're not. Like, they're okay. I've been on the apps, the swiping, and you're like, really? Like, you could have. You're wearing through. You're in your hat and sunglasses and your backs. To me, like, what? They don't know. Or they all have their earbuds in. So just, like, you know, cheesy selfies. A random cheesy selfie. What is it? Like, bodybuilding?

I don't know. I don't know. I think it's like, hey, I bought milk. Like, cool, right?

It's nice to know.

I don't know. I Think. I think this is also maybe. And I'm just speculating here, if it was, like, one cheesy selfie, that's fine. But if you're, like, always sending me cheesy selfies, I'm gonna be like, okay, this is kind of weird, bro.

Like, right? Okay. So taking too long to Reply to messages 33%. Will you hate when people take too long? I know.

It depends. It depends because I sometimes take a long time. Because it depends. Like, I get it. Like, when you're doing something, you're busy, you see it. You're like, I'm gonna get back to it. You don't get back to it, or you're busy, and you're like, I'm definitely am gonna get back to it and get back to it. But if this is constantly. You're constantly taking forever to respond to me. I feel like you're doing it on purpose, and I don't like that.

I think in the early case. So I have to remember that we're talking about the early stages of dating.

Yeah.

So in the early stages of dating, if you're into somebody, you're going to text them back. Like, we all have our phones with us 24 7. And so I have to think that unless someone's working, like, in the emergency room, or they're flying Doctor in the emergency room, or they're flying somewhere, but even then, you can text and they have a pattern of, like, waiting a few days or a few weeks. The message that anyone would get is like, you're not into it or you're dating a bunch of other people, in which case, I wouldn't say just bail on that person, but have a conversation and be like, for me, what's important is, like, to hear back from you and, like, don't wait, like, six days. It just feels bad. It does. It's disrespectful. If you're into someone, like, I do that with friends. I don't text them back, but they know. See, they know my texting style. They know that, like, I'm not going to hear back from her. Like, I might need to call her. I might need to send smoke signals, and maybe she'll get back to me. But when you're dating someone, like, text back. Poor grammar. 32%.

Yeah. I don't like that.

Right.

And in my case, it's everybody that has had poor grammar that I used to talk to. They were terrible people.

Oh, really? Look at that. So bad people, bad grammar.

Maybe. I don't know.

Wow, Interesting. I Never heard that one. So poor grammar. Yeah. Yeah. That's tough when, like the there and the there. They get those wrong using pet names such as BAE or babe.

Not in the early stages.

Don't prematurely babe me. Like, we just. If we went on one date and you're like, hey, babe, I had a guy do that once. He rang the doorbell and it was our very first date. I was in San Francisco and he rang my doorbell and he's like. And I was like, I had an intercom. Like, hello. He's like, hey, babe, I'm here. I'm like, you don't even know me. You can't. Babe. Then he babed me all night and then I said goodbye to him at the end of the night and that was it. He could babe the next one. I understand that. Okay, top five most off putting emojis. The poo face.

I like that face.

You do?

See, See, I don't know about in early stages of dating, I guess. I don't know.

I don't know.

What context is this? Exactly?

Exactly. Like, why are you sending me the pooh face? Like, right, that. Yeah, this. I mean, it's an interesting one.

Yeah.

The aubergine, which is the eggplant.

Oh, why don't they just call it eggplant?

Apparently aubergine is the color.

Oh, 17.

I had to look it up.

I think it's funny, but I get it. The devil's smiling. 8%. These are off putting the arm muscle. 8%. A lot of guys do the arm muscle. They're like, had a really good day. Arm muscle. Like, I'm strong.

I don't think I've ever had a guy send me that. I think it would be off putting, though. I'd be like, okay.

I'm like.

And be like, we can do it too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rosie the riveter. But I'm a dude. Okay. The stick out tongue wink face. Yeah, I don't like that one. That one creeps me out. My friend Mary sends it to me all the time and she'll just be like, that was funny. Like Mary. That creeps me out. And I don't know why. Anyway, that's a friend. Okay. Used to flirt. These are the top ones. Used to flirt. Which I agree with. I feel like these are the top five. The blowy kiss face. The blowing kiss face. That. That one's pretty. Like, benign. Like, I do that to friends. I do that to love. The love. Hard eyes. The winking face. The lip kiss. The stink. The stick out tongue wing face. So 13% like it. Other people think it's off putting. You never know. Just so you know.

Yeah, I feel like people put that. Whenever I think of the stick out tongue wink face, I think of someone like saying something kind of snarky and then putting it. That's what it makes me think of.

That's what it is. So that's what Mary mean. Because she's not doing it to be like she'll say something funny. She thinks it's a funny one. And then I'm like, I don't know.

Yeah, it's all about the crying, laughing emoji.

That's my favorite one. That is the best one. Cause that just says it all. It really does. You're like, this is a funny thing. I mean it to be funny. Or I love when someone does it back to me because I was so funny.

Exactly right.

I love earning the crying face emoji. So happy. I'm like, I've had a good day. Our work here is done. I've been funny. One more thing I want to add is about texting styles in a relationship. When you're dating someone, I think that these days there's nothing wrong with saying like, hey, just so you know, I don't often get back right away or it's so much easier to pick up the phone or during the day it's super busy. Or like just because texts can also be misconstrued. Right? You can think that. I mean, I've heard from so many friends, like, what do you think this person meant by this? I'm like, probably that he's going to the store and we'll see you soon. Like, what else could that mean? But people are like, but he said soon and you know, just all, all these things. So I think.

No, I agree. It's like everyone has a different texting style. Like the guy that I'm seeing, I had to ask him just because of he's very short in his text messages. But sometimes I feel like, I don't know. And maybe I was just also just feeling needy at the time, but I asked him, I was like, do you, are you annoyed? Like, do you think it's annoying when I text you? And he's like, what? What do you, what do you mean? And I was like, I don't know because sometimes I've text you something and I think it's like really funny and you're just like, like such a dry response or just like aha. And I'm like, not even ahaha. And so it's like, to me, that makes me feel like I texted you. And you're like, oh, what is she saying now? And he's like, no, no. Like, that's just, you know, that I'm not very like a texter. And I was like, I guess. I guess I was like, just add another ha.

Add the crying face emoji.

He doesn't do any emojis. He's never once in his life, I don't think used an emoji.

Okay, got it. I think you're right. I think that's a good conversation to have, though, and let him know. And he was like, no, it's fine.

Yeah, clarify.

Yeah, I did that too with Ben when we. He would always send me things all day long that were funny and interesting and lots and lots of texts. And I was like, I just can't if I'm texting all day. Like, I'm not where I can't get back to you. So I finally said to him, I said, are you cool that I'm not going to text you? He's like, oh, no, I didn't remember I sent those. I was just. It's you. Do you. So it was like a really good. Now I see texts from him, and I don't always feel like, oh, I got to get back to him. I'm like, he doesn't. He'll just keep. It's fine. So be clear, you guys, bottom line, the more we can communicate about these things, the better. All right, you guys, let's move on to some emails. Yeah. How do we feel about that? Let's answer some questions from the people. Thanks, everyone, for emailing us and thank you for supporting our sponsors. We're going to take a quick break and be right back.

Okay, guys, onto emails. I am on with Sarah and Jamie. Sarah's the newest member of our team. Hi, Sarah.

Hi.

H. Hi. This is fun to have you here. And Jamie just celebrated her three years at sex with Emily yesterday.

I did, and it's been a wonderful three years.

Just want to say, dude, you're just. I just. And Michael has been with us how long doing sound? Two years. I mean, this. And Ken, Three years. Almost like I'm just telling you guys, it feels amazing to be. To have such support and such an amazing team. It was a dream of mine to someday build a team that was actually people that I looked forward to working with that were smart and creative and brought so much and were just as excited as sex family as I was. That has happened. So I'm grateful we Are grateful to my amazing team.

Yes.

So fun. Okay, so now onto your questions. I love answering them. So if you want a question answered on the show, text ask Emily all one word to 797-979. Fill out the short form. Check yes if you want to be called or go to my website, sex with emily.com. click Ask Emily tab. Include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, who wants to read the first email?

I'll do it.

Go ahead, James.

Okay, so this is from Ann, 37, in New Jersey. Hi, Emily. My husband and I are working on marital issues in counseling. One thing we've discussed is not enough frequency in our sex life. I've started listening to your show masturbating more, and we've had good sex recently. Now I feel turned on every day. Only my husband said he can't perform that often. He needs a few days to recharge. Is that normal?

Okay, good question. So first of all, I want to say to you, Ann, I love that you're masturbating more and that that means that you want more sex because sex is top of mind. So I think that's great. So your husband, on the other hand, he's saying that, you know, he's just not ready. So here's the thing about the refractory period in men. Unless you're like, you know, under the age of 22 or 25, many men can just keep going again. The refractory period takes a lot less time, meaning the period in which he can get an erection again. So. So after orgasm. So he might not be saying he's ready mentally. I'm not so sure. You're 37. He's probably about the same age. I would think technically, he should be able to go again, but maybe if he really feels he can't, like, if we're talking about, number one, that he can't get an erection. Like, he's like, babe, I want to have sex every day, but I can't. Well, then that's something I would say. He should go talk to his doctor, get his hormones checked. I mean, men at 40, like, when they hit 40, their testosterone does take a nosedive, But I don't think there's nearly enough information about hormones, the hormonal impact on men and women, and the impact on sex drive, which is something I'm personally delving into so I can start to bring more information to the audience. So that could be one thing. If you're taking a few days, you know, that is a Little bit longer. So I would say get its hormones checked. And then you could still, I mean, if you still want to connect sexually, it doesn't have to be penetration. There's a lot of other ways you guys can connect intimately. You know, sex without penetration, oral sex, all that stuff.

He is saying that he says he can't perform that often and needs a few days to recharge. So. Or it could be the refractory period. But I think you're right, it could be also mentally, maybe he just has like a lower sex drive. So it's not just that he like physically can't get an erection. He just, his sex drive is lower, which. So you just kind of have to think about way. Because like, maybe, you know, she, he's. She's like, hey, like, how about you just go down on me? Or can you at least hold the vibrator for me? Or whatever. And he's just like not into it.

Right. Well, that's a good point. There might be some other things going on because typically he probably can get. Get hard. But what I think is also for men, a lot of times when there's a lot of stress or anxiety, especially around money or their career or their job, that's gonna have a direct. It's like a direct link to their penis. They're like, I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I can't feel, I'm not into. So if that's going on, that could also be it as well. But I think that if you guys talk about it and you're like, hey, listen, babe, I want sex more frequently. What can we do together? And I think some of these intimacy building things, massage could really.

Yeah.

Help. Okay. Sarah?

Yeah.

Why don't you read the second email?

Okay. This is from Sean, 30, from Australia. Hi, Emily. What is your opinion on sex workers? Is it a good way to scratch your urges if you don't have a partner? Thanks.

Okay. John, My thought on sex workers are, you know, that's a personal choice. It's a personal decision. And it's definitely not for everybody. So just make sure if you do see a sex worker, you know, you know, all the necessary precautions, that there's someone that they're, you know, they're tested and there's no abuse going on and it's all consensual and all those things. I'm wondering if there's something going on with you. Like, I'd love you to scratch that. It's with somebody, you know, with someone that you actually like, Someone that you know and that you could build a relationship with. Unless that's something that you're not looking for right now. If there's not a place in your life to kind of build a relationship or to meet somebody, I think it's a, it's a real way to do it. Like, you definitely could hire a sex worker and you could have sex and then temporarily that it should be scratched. But what happens for a lot of people is they go to see sex workers and they want more and more and more and it could become sort of a. I don't think it's often just a one off thing. For many men, women, it's a way to have sex without intimacy, without emotions. And so I'm just wondering if this might be something for you to look at right now about you, Sean, and what you really want and if there's things that you want to work on for yourself to be able to build a healthy relationship with someone. But I'm not going to judge you. You know, if you to go see a sex worker. I mean, people do it all the time. But you're young, you're 30 years old and you know, I think it'd be great if you could find some, some lasting connections.

The people that you know, it kind of just depends on really. I think like you said what that's for, like if you, if you can just like, if you just do it once and then you're like your urge is scratched and then you go and find and meet someone, that's great. But if you're trying to look at it as an alternative to meeting people in general, I mean, that's still your decision. But you shouldn't give up on just trying to find an actual real connection after a while. Like don't make it become like a huge, huge habit. But. And also I like that you brought up that it's consensual and there's no abuse going on to make sure that it's like the sex worker, she or he, whoever you're trying to look for, is someone that like is doing it by choice and wants to be there.

Right, exactly. So all those things, you know, under consideration, Sean.

So yeah, go ahead and scratch that it once, maybe see, see how it goes down, but then kind of turn the lens towards yourself and see what you might need to work on. Okay, I could read the next one from Shannon, 22 in Pennsylvania. Emily, do you have any experience with vaginal steaming? I recently heard about this and want more information. How to get into it, what spices to use, if any. At all, what products are needed, et cetera. Does Yoni steaming live up to this height? Okay, it's funny because. So vaginal steaming or vagina steaming did sort of come into the, you know, press, I think, with Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop. I think she talked about sitting on her throne. There was, like, a throne, and she got her vagina steamed. And, you know, apparently it depends on what they're using to steam your vagina. It's controversial because anything that you put inside of your vagina, you got to be careful. We don't know what herbs and spices, and you can Google it. And there are some ways to, like, do vagina steaming at home, but there are lots of things that could impact your ph balance. But there is no scientific evidence that it works. Like, it has all these claims that, like, it could help with hormones and improve fertility, and I don't know that that's true. It could. Again, anything that you intentionally are doing to your vagina, here's what I like about it. If it's, like, a pretty innocuous place and they're not blowing a bunch of stuff up you and, you know, it's clean. Focus on our vaginas and our vulva, since we're so disconnected. And you're like, I'm gonna do something special for myself, and I'm gonna put some steam up there to increase blood flow and, you know, and just kind of feel better and feel like I'm connected. Cause I could feel some action going on down there. Like, that could be helpful, but not because you think that you're somehow disgusting or don't smell right. Or there's something wrong with you and that you need to go clean up. But I think if it's a way to connect spiritually, it's fine. But I've heard mixed things about it.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think I personally would want to do it. I just feel weird about having. I don't really like having a lot of, like, heat down there. Like, if I use, like, I like to cool things down. Like, I like using ice cubes. I like using, like, cooling lubes and clitoral gels and stuff like that. And, yeah, I think you would have to really research what they're blowing up there, right? Yes.

But I think that if they're. You're doing it a reputable place. Like, I like the V spot. Medispa. It's in New York. And I know they do vaginal steaming, and I love these women, and they know what they're talking about, they're like Queen V's. So if you wanted to try it out, I would check that out or check out their website, see what they use. But you know, I don't think it's going to hurt you, but I don't think it's going to be the answer to whatever you're seeking. Jamie, you do the next one.

All right, this is from Tim, 51 in Indiana. Emily, great show. And I look forward to listening to them every week on the Differently disabled show with Andrew Girza. A 27 year old virgin guy from Kentucky wrote in about having insecurities around having a slight small flaccid penis. This is a huge issue for some men. Guys are not erect all the time and many men, myself included, do not like our penises being seen. While it is not at its best, this is especially the case when we are growers and not showers. I know that women do not think about penis size nearly as much as men do. But as a man, it's hard to think that a woman will laugh at us or leave us if they see our small, shrunken, flaccid penis. How can we as men overcome our insecurities? I read somewhere that 85% of women are happy with their male partners penis, but only 30% of guys are happy with the one they have.

Well, I think just knowing that stat clearly isn't enough, Tim, because you just read like you, you understand that 85% of women are happy with their guys penises, with their male partners penises. So you already know that and you know that men aren't happy. So you have all the data here. So I think that there is a lot of, there's a lot of stigma, there's a lot of talk and emphasis around penis size. But I can tell you because you're asking basically how can you overcome your insecurities? And I really think the best way to overcome your insecurities is to truly be vulnerable. When you're with a partner, you could even like say something. You could even be like, I know and it's flaccid. Look, I mean I think that when we're vulnerable and we're real about our biggest insecurities, I think that's how you overcome it. Other than, other than that, you just kind of keep telling yourself and like looking at your penis and when you're masturbating, God, look at my penis, I love my penis. Like that's, it's all these messages. It's really just falling in love with your penis. And sharing your insecurities with others, like, and having confidence in yourself overall will help with everything.

When you're in your next sexual experience and you're confident in yourself, regardless of your size, that's gonna. Your partner's not gonna notice that at all. And if they do, there. There's something in themselves that. That they need to work on. Because if they. They're gonna be rude at you and throw that at you, that's. That's something that's on them.

Yeah.

And I gotta say, like, seeing somebody grow is really cool.

It's hot.

It's hot.

It is hot. Like, to me. So the reason why we were talking about this on the show, and it sounds like you're saying, like, on the Andrew Girza show, we were talking about it, but you still didn't. It sounds like it still didn't resonate with you. And so I just think, yeah, the good points are, like, the. The women that you're with, if she's like, oh, my God, it's so flat. Like, that's not your chick, that. That's not your person. Because it's true. Like, I've never in all the penis, and I've seen a lot of penis, you know, hey, I've done a lot of research, and I've never once been like, oh, my God, his flaccid penis, like, it doesn't even register.

I don't know any female friend or gay male friend that I have had that has ever been like, that guy's penis was so small when it was soft.

Right.

It's also like, what are you gonna do. Do with a soft penis?

It's right.

Like, what am I gonna do with it? I'm not gonna. I mean, besides try to get it hard. And then when it's hard, it's bigger. And even if it wasn't, it's like, you know, it's not all we just put. It's just crazy how much pressure we put on the penis itself. And it's like just same thing. Women have insecurities about their boobs or their stomach or stretch marks or whatever. It's like, just kind of like, bear through it.

Right.

Eventually you gotta love yourself. I like how you said, look in the mirror.

Mm, yeah. Look in the mirror.

Yeah. Just kind of like really look at.

It and be like, look at my hard, beautiful penis and myself. Is that what you're saying? Look at me when you're masturbating. It's really hot. You guys. I think we downplay the importance of, like, Watching ourselves have sex, even when we're masturbating or with a partner. Like, it's really hot when you see what your body can do and just like, learn to, like, fall in love with your own, with your penis right now. Like, that's what it. And once you love it and you're with someone, you're gonna be like, you won't even be thinking about these things. Like, you're just not with someone right now. And so it's so easy when we're not with someone to think about all the reasons, Reasons why someone won't love us. Like, it's literally the way our minds, our brains are wired. Unfortunately, it's not like you're so great. You're. That's why we. That's why I have my show. That's why we all have each other and therapists. Because I think our brains just, evolutionarily speaking, we're evolved to think about what's wrong so we can protect ourselves from the environment. So we have to constantly be thinking of what's wrong. Because there could be a wild boar coming in, seeing our family. So do we see something, you know, and eating our kids?

I love that.

No, but seriously, like, there could be something happening in, in the. In the wild. And so we have to constantly be. Is our roof gonna fall in? Are we gonna have enough water for the kids? And so that is why we are adapted towards finding what is wrong and so we can keep flipping. And those are our own stories and they're not necessarily true. So we're here to tell you. Flaccid penis. While it's a thing, it exists like a flaccid balloon. Like, I'm not looking at a balloon that hasn't been blown up, saying, you will never blow up to be. You will not be a good looking balloon. Like, I would never give that to anybody. You balloon, you terrible balloon. Like, I didn't even try to blow you. Like, it's just the same. So. Yeah.

And most guys, I think, are growers and not showers.

They are. Do you remember that Seinfeld, when he's like, I was in the pool. Do you remember that?

Yeah.

When George gets out of the pool and there's this girl he's dating and she sees him out of the pool and he's like, I was in the pool. Because he also gets shrinks in the pool. Okay? So I think that's enough flaccid penis for the day. You guys, we love your penis penises way more than you do. We just want you to catch up with us. Okay. You want to read the next one? Sarah?

This is from Carly, 32, Orange County. Emily. I'm a divorced mom of two little boys, 6 and 3. I got divorced just over a year ago. Three months ago, I went on my first date in 10 years. A mutual friend of several other friends who I had never met before. And we've been casually dating ever since. I actually really like this guy. But when we see each other, we go out. Restaurants, bars, concerts, and all different things. We usually end up spending 48 to 72 hours straight with each other. Going out, hanging at each other's places, movies, in bed. Everything a couple would do. But then we won't text or call for like a week at a time. Then another 48 hour session. This seems to repeat over and over. I haven't dated in 10 years. Is this a new normal thing or is this just one dude? For all I know, he could be dating other people or no one. I want to enjoy the ride and be chill, but I really enjoy this guy. Do I just accept that this is how it is and let things unfold naturally? I would like this to turn into a more exclusive relationship, but I refuse to be that girl who asks all those questions.

Help.

I would love to know your advice on what to do.

Okay, Carly, all right, so first of all, I get it when you haven't been dating for 10 years and you popped out now and like, everyone's on the apps and there's texting, like, it is a different world. So, yeah, there are some guys that are like this that just kind of want to hang out and not text, but not all guys. So I don't think it makes you, like, uncool to bring it up. You've got two kids. I'm sure you're a single mom and you've got a really busy life. So when you see this guy, like, you can only make time for certain people in your life. When you, you have kids in a full life, I think that you have to let them know what you expect and what you're into. If you guys have been spending a few 72 hours together a few different times, and then you don't hear from them, I think it's totally okay to say, like, oh, okay, listen, so love these weekends we're spending together. And let's talk about what else we're doing. Like, are we in this exclusively? Are you seeing other people? I just think we have to talk about it. And if this isn't okay with you, he's like, yeah, of course I'm seeing other people. Well, then, you know, like, I think right now is when you have to ask these questions and find out. Because if you haven't discussed it at all, he might be wondering why you're not contacting him. He might be wondering if you're seeing people on the weekends that you're not together. So I think just saying, like, this is really fun. What are you looking for right now? I'm having a good time with you. Are you looking for a relationship? You get your information by asking the questions. But I wouldn't say this is normal. I say this is typical. Like, it can happen with certain. Some guys are like this, some women are like this, and some are more like, hey, let's nail this down. When am I seeing you again? So I think it's across the board.

Yeah. Don't think that you're. You have to hide how you feel and what you want to seem like you're cool and chill because then you're not. You're doing a disservice to yourself and your kids.

Carly. You have to know, like, what weekends are planned, what days you're gonna see Em. Like, it's just not as loose for you. And it is cooler to. I think it's actually cooler to be like, hey, so what's. I used to think that I used to think I spent a lot of time thinking about or not wanting to be needy. I mean, I really wasn't needy. The truth is I really was busy and independent, but I was not the one to be like, what's the status? Or I was like the cool girl. And just. Because I just never. It was always my biggest fear to be that needy person. But now I realize, like, in different stages of life that it's actually just makes so much, so much more mature. And there's no game playing, there's no wasted brain space wondering what it all means when you can just find out. And the good thing about asking, asking someone, what does this mean? What's our status? Are you seeing other people? You find out right then and there so much about the person, the relationship. If they're like, no, oh my God, I'm saying, dating 10 people, this is none. Then you know, then you're out. So you just find out. Like, I wish I would have known better communication skills early on because it just really helps. Like, because there are things that you think, oh, I could never. Yeah, like you're sleeping with someone. Like, why could you never ask someone questions?

Exactly. And then you. Then you Know, like, you're in or you're out. Exactly.

Okay, the last one. This is from Alex, 24, in Los Angeles. Hey, Emily. I love the show, and it makes for an insightful car ride every day. So my girlfriend, 23, and I just finished college, and our sex life was amazing. We share a strong connection mentally, emotionally, and physically. And shaking the sheets was more frequent now that we're back home. We have yet to have sex, and it's mostly because we don't have a private place. But she sees getting a hotel or going on a weekend trip as tacky and a waste of money. Not to mention her grandma is a major cockblock. Oh, those grandmas. Because it is improper for a lady to be alone with a man if they aren't married. How can we get our sex life back on track?

Well, I think, you know, I understand the grandma. There's a lot of parents and grandmas that they don't want their kids, they don't want them sleeping with someone else. But I think, first of all, a weekend away or a night away is not cheesy at all. Long weekend.

Yeah. That's fun.

That's like the fun part.

It's tacky, I guess, in the sense of, like, you're doing it just to have sex, if that's how you feel. For me, that still sounds like a great weekend. Just to get away, just to have sex in a new place. But it could be just, like a fun thing. You go into a new environment, you guys are going out and doing. Having fun, and then you go back to, like, a hotel room to have sex.

Right. Like, that's totally. Even if it's like a. Whatever you can afford. Yeah, it's an Airbnb. You can probably get a room for a night in la. Like.

Yeah. And if you're truly from la, there's so many camping places and cool places you can go to. Yeah, there's like this little spot in Refugio where you can see the Milky Way and the stars at night. Like, why not go there and, like, you can bang under the stars in the Milky Way. That's kind of hot.

Yeah, that's cool. I didn't even know about that.

That's really cool. Really fun. That's a really good idea. I think that you guys could have. Yeah. Get creative here and also ask friends if they want you to house sit, dog sit, cat sit. I think people also, like, on Craigslist or wherever, they're always looking for people or friends. So put it out there. Like, I'm Way willing to do that. And you could have sex in someone else's bed.

Yeah, not mine though, I guess. Plan around, like, when people are going to be home. They can't be home all the time. Maybe the grandma. But like, you know, there's got to be out of the two places that you have sometime when someone's not home. You can also just.

I don't know, like, if you're up for it. Because this is the thing. The alternative right now is no sex at all, which is obviously not fun. So try sex in public. It might not be as, like, amazing. It might have to be quickies.

But you are legal. But you could get away.

Yeah, it's not legal, but you got. You got to be smart about it. It's not legal necessarily. Necessarily, but.

Or in a truck if you got like an SUV in the back. Yeah, I've done that. Like, I slept in boyfriend's suv. I don't know. We were camping. Like, put some blankets down.

She's gotta get creative.

She should be part of this talk with you too, and not just shooting things down. So maybe you guys could brainstorm together.

Yeah. Cause also the only other thing, it's like, if she's like, not coming up with ideas, like, there might be some other issues that you don't know about.

Right. So you guys in the same town? Is she in LA as well? Is she seeing other people? What's happening? The deal? I don't know. We don't know. Make sure it's important to her as well. So much easier that way when you both have the same goals for sex. Okay, guys, that was fun. It was already over. All right, thank you so much to Jamie and Sarah and Michael and Ken, who's not here.

Thanks everyone. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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