Summer Sex Vibes

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I assumed that I was somehow broken because I wasn't having orgasms through penetration. I really thought, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, like, why am I broken? And come to find out, like, within the first month of doing this show that, oh, oh, I get it, nobody's. Only 20% of women are having orgasms that way and all we're seeing is penetrative sex being the standard. You know, we equate the penis to the vagina, when really, if we think about it being accurate, the penis and the clitoris are way more accurate. Similar makeup, similar rectal tissue. That's where really the pleasure centers are. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. What would the world be like if we didn't have shame about sex? Can you imagine how different your life would be if you were told that sexual pleasure was healthy? If you were given the memo early on that masturbation was legit? Self care and that sex itself was joyful and good for you rather than a one way ticket to STIs and unwanted pregnancy. Well, today's show is all about being the change we want to see in the world, becoming people who are conversant and comfortable discussing sex. Because this is how we evolve people. Plus, I take your calls why using toys during sex is the literal best what the hell is a loop shooter? And how to lovingly, persuasively ask your partner for more oral I'll write Intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting Intention what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is to empower you to talk about sex in a comfortable way. If you feel nervous discussing it, you're so not alone. We weren't set up for success, which is precisely why this show exists. By listening to these episodes and being part of the sexual Me community, you are doing your part making sex a normal, healthy and shame free topic in our day to day lives. Please, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article 6 Hottest Masturbation Moves is up at sex with emily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. Also check out my TikTok it's sex with Emily and there'll be lots happening there soon. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily or call my hotline 559-talk-EX or 559-825-5739. All you gotta do is include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Do you ever wonder why we don't want to talk about sex? Like, why is it so hard to even say the word sex? Why is it so taboo? If you think about like every time I tell someone what I do for a living, I think it's getting a little better. But I'll say sex with Emily. That's the name of my show. And they go, oh, you talk about sex. And there's definitely a judgment. You know, I'll be at a party and I'll say, oh, I'm a sex therapist. And then there's the people who are like tell me everything. And then there's the people who are like, I'm gonna go refill my drink. Those are the people that don't want to talk to me about sex or that are uncomfortable like, if you think about it, we're here because people had sex, right? In the traditional sense of the word. Intercourse happened, sperm fertilized egg, and then baby came out. But yet not only don't we feel comfortable talking about it, but we don't teach it in schools, at least not in a way that's accurate. So currently, 24 states in the District of Columbia mandate that we teach sex education. 34 states say, you know, we gotta teach HIV education. And so every state has some kind of guidance how and when sex education should be taugh. But it's up to the individual school districts. But only 13 states require that sex ed has to be medically accurate, right? So there's actually facts. So what are we supposed to do? Why should sex be comfortable then to talk about? And then if we grew up in a home where it was not talked about, maybe we grew up in a religious background or culturally shame for talking about sex. Or we grew up constantly hearing that sex is wrong or it's only for procreation, or wait till we're married and touching ourselves and self pleasure is taboo. Why would we be set up to talk about sex? We wouldn't. My sex ed was in seventh grade, and it was a mixed class of boys and girls. And all I remember is some kid raised his hand and said, can we have sex under water? That's all I remember. The teacher, like, shamed him and said, like, that's a bad question. Listen, here's the rules about talking about sex. There's no bad questions. We all have questions around sexual. People always say, who's your audience? I was like, it's literally everyone. You know, I hear from people who are 18 to 83, and what I realized is a lot of us have the same questions. Sometimes there's like the first infraction, right? When we're kids, maybe we were touching ourselves, right? We had our hands down our pants, or we were rubbing up against the bed and we might not even remember it. It's like our first offense. Maybe we were five years old and our grandmother walked by and said, stop touching yourself, or that's private, or that's disgusting, or don't do that. And then that becomes our baseline for sex. It just takes one person shaming us for us to feel that it's somehow wrong. And we're thinking, oh, you know, maybe as a kid, we're thinking, oh, but that felt good. Or maybe we went to some repeated learning place where they kept saying, you know, if you masturbate, you're gonna go Blind or it's really shameful. And maybe we feel bad about our bodies, right? We think, well, I've heard about this sex thing. You know, I don't love my body and I don't want anyone to see it. And it's also really confusing messages because people are like, oh, but we're so much more sexual now. You know, there's sex everywhere. Kids are seeing porn at 8 years old on their smartphones and on their iPads. So we're so hypersexual in America. But the truth is, yes, we see more sex everywhere. We have more access to sex, but that doesn't mean that we are hyper educated around sex, that we are sexually healthy. You know, like, sexual health and wellness is such a strong emerging category right now everywhere. Especially, like, you know, go to, like, the drugstore now and you see, like, there's a sexual health and wellness aisle. Like, that wasn't even allowed before. And sometimes they even sell vibrators. When they started selling vibrators at Target, it was like a whole thing. Right? But why don't we. Why is it so not safe? I mean, you're listening to the show because you want to get the information. So I think it's important to, like, look at our own selves and think, well, yeah, I'm really not comfortable with it. I don't tell anybody that I listen to your podcast. You know, I wouldn't tell my friends. And I always encourage you. I want you to be that person in your friend group. If no one's ever talked about it, why can't you be the one who's like, you know, I realize we've never talked about sex, but what's your views on it? How important is pleasure in your life? Do you masturbate? What's your sex life like? So one of the problems for not talking about sex is that as a result of never hearing anyone talk about it, not our neighbors, not our parents, not our friends, we tend to look at what we do see about sexual. We look at porn and we think, oh, well, that must be how sex happens. Which you all know, if you've been listening, that, you know, what we see in traditional pornography is not an accurate representation of how sex actually should happen. We don't see safe sex. We don't see the warmup. We don't see the awkward moments. We don't see people using protection. We don't see them using lubrication. People go right into anal sex without any warmup. Women are having orgasms in porn without any stimulation. I Mean, none of it makes sense. Cause it's performative. It's actually fiction. Learning how to have sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and the Furious. It's just not accurate. So we're looking at all these things, and then we make assumptions that our neighbors must be having great sex. Because they never talk about it. They seem so happy. I see them walking around the neighborhood and they're holding hands. They're the happiest couple in the world. And then we compare ourselves to porn, to our neighbors, to this ideal that sex is pleasurable for everybody. And everybody must be having orgasms all the time. I mean, this is where I started with my show, was that I assumed that I was somehow broken because I wasn't having orgasms through penetration. I really thought, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. Like, why am I broken? And come to find out, like, within the first month of doing this show, that, oh, oh, I get it. Nobody's. Only 20% of women are right? Only 20% of women are having orgasms that way. So then I started to unpack it, and all we're seeing is penetrative sex being the standard. You know, we equate the penis to the vagina. When really, if we think about it being accurate, the penis and the clitoris are way more accurate. They have similar makeup, similar rectal tissue. That's where, really, the pleasure centers are. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. The penis has 4,000 nerve endings. It's not about penis and vagina. So then all of our focus goes towards penetration, penetration, penetration. And then all the other stuff is, like, tossed aside. Like, we stop kissing when we're in relationships for a long time. We stop finding out what pleases our partner. We don't, you know, seek information about it. So we just don't know. We don't know what we don't know. Maybe we had some kind of trauma growing up. I think it's like three out of eight women have had some kind of trauma in their life. You know, a sexual assault or sexual trauma. Men have this too. If we've had a trauma and we've had some assault or abuse, we're certainly not. Not only are we not comfortable talking about sex, but we're not even comfortable being sexual. And as a result of that trauma, we might have shut down. We might have decided that we are just not sexual, or we're not open for business ever. And we fake our way through sex. And that's part of it as well. And Just so you know. You know, trauma is such a, you know, a huge beast. It's like if we have experienced any sort of trauma, we absolutely need to seek therapy about. We need to work that through because that just kind of sticks with us throughout our lifetime. It just sort of unfortunately gets louder and louder. We might be uncomfortable with pleasure also. Let's just talk about self pleasure and masturbation. When I was growing up and I kind of think it's the same right now because I've been spending a lot of time talking to my friend's kids and my own kids in my life about sex, that it's always glorified male masturbation. Remember American Pie? It was all about male masturbation. You're always seeing men masturbating, men masturbating, but you never see women masturbating. You never glorified it. So it's really shameful. I recently did a zoom call with a bunch of 18 year old girls, women asking them about sex. And they were all friends, but they also were a little bit uncomfortable talking to each other about masturbation still. Because it again, still feels shameful and wrong. And we're just uncomfortable with the notion of pleasure, right? And not even just with masturbation, but in life we think, well, I don't deserve pleasure. Or pleasure's gonna come after I work, after I get these 10 things done, or after I put the kids to bed, or after I accomplish all these tasks, well, then I'll allow myself over to pleasure. But just the whole concept of pleasure and even giving ourselves pleasure is just something that we don't feel that we deserve again, we feel it's wrong. I even had someone call into the show saying that every time she masturbated, maybe it was a man. I hear this from everybody actually, that they feel this shame. It's like a shame over. They're like, there was something somehow wrong with me that I just masturbated. And there's a lot of reasons for that too. It's because it's secretive. A lot of times we do it in secret. We're hiding it from our partners. Maybe our partner banned pornography from our life. A lot of you email me and call about this. You're like, my partner told me I couldn't watch porn anymore. So now I'm like in the basement or I'm in my car. You know, if you grew up, every weekend you were going to some religious institution or your family was saying, don't masturbate, don't masturbate and you could be 30 years later and you're masturbating. There's still that echo, you know, we talk about in your brain that's like, this is somehow wrong. This is shameful. This is dirty. It's okay to have an orgasm, and it's okay to have pleasure. Doesn't feel right. So why would we talk about it? I never heard anyone talk about it. Even though what my mom said and what I find now is that a lot of parents do the same thing is they say, oh, we're very open in our household about sex. Oh, I told my kids, if they have any questions, just ask me. We're very open. And my mom was the same way. She says, if you have any questions, Emily, ask me. But the problem is, as kids, we don't know what the questions are. We assume that we know everything about sex. We're like, yeah, you make babies, and there's something about it that is super taboo. And I'll do that when I'm an adult, right? So, like, we don't even know what the questions are. And so with my mom, too, she just said that I didn't know what it was, and I just assumed that I knew everything. And so it wasn't until, you know, much later, till I was 35, when I started the show and I started asking the questions, and we just make assumptions that we all just know. And what I found, too, in talking to a friend's son, who's 17 years old, very smart, he's very studied, got all A's at school, very hard worker. And his mom said, would you mind talking to him? He had some sex questions. And I just. He's not comfortable talking to me. And we got on the phone, and he said, you know, he was having some problems with performing. I said, but do you watch porn? And he said, I do. I do. I said, okay. And I gave him my whole porn thing that. No, shame on your porn game. But just so you know, that's not accurate. Like, that is not how real sex happens. There's bits and parts of it that happen, but it's not the whole, like, knowing what your part, you know, he was with a woman, like, knowing what turns her on, knowing what makes her feel good. And he said, okay, fine, Emily, I hear what you're saying, but if porn isn't real, then just direct me to the place where I can watch real sex. Like, where's my real information so I'm not learning this misinformation. Cause he's like an academic, you Know what frustrates me is that I wish there was a place that I could send everyone's kids and send all of you to be like, this is accurate. And so, I mean, that is also one of my missions, besides a lie about every nightstand, is to create some kind of sex network where you're seeing this accurate portrayal of sex that's not boring. Not like those old movies that are like, the penis goes into the vagina. It's like, no. Like, people laugh and they joke and condoms fall off and you don't get hard, you don't stay hard, you don't have orgasms. You know, you have pain. You know, so many women have pain. And here's the other thing, is that we kind of suffer silently through bad sex and through pain. You know, 80% of women are going to experience pain at some point in their life. And of those women, they're never going to talk about it because, well, since we don't talk about it, they don't realize that they're not alone, that there's so many other women that are still silently suffering, but they're never sitting down with their friends going, so I had this really painful sex experience last night that we assume that since we haven't heard it or seen it, that we must be alone. And so that's why I want us all to just kind of look at why. What's keeping me from talking about sex? Is it shame? Is it trauma? Is it my upbringing? Is it because I don't love my body? Is it because I feel like I don't have the answers? Like, what is it that is your roadblock to pleasure? Because pleasure is our birthright. We all deserve pleasure. We all deserve to have really healthy sex lives. We wanna be accepted for our sexuality and our fantasies. I mean, sometimes the shame goes into, well, I don't wanna tell my partner I'm bisexual, or I don't wanna tell my partner that I wanna wear women's underwear. But I'm a man. You know, there's all this shame around what actually turns us on, our fantasies and our desires. We're like, well, I can't get turned on with this kind of sex. So it's just all. If we started talking about sex from the jump, and we started to talk about sex when we were even kids, and it wasn't shameful. That's why I want you to start today. Think about, what are my roadblocks? Why am I not talking about it? And how can I challenge my beliefs around sex and talking to people? I Love about sex and make a change for the better.

After the break, I'm answering your questions.

Let's talk to Sarah, 35, in Arkansas. She has some fun summer sex stories. Yay, Sarah, tell me everything. Okay. I've been married for 13 years. This summer. We've got three kiddos. And we're actually closing on a new home tomorrow. And it has been really fun to just have to know that, like, okay, these are the last few nights we're going to have in this house that we've lived in for almost a decade. And let's just have some good sex to kind of commemorate the. All the love we have for the house. It's been really good. That's. And then we're gonna have new house sex. Tell me about one memory from your old house to celebrate the. The old house sex. Anything fun? What'd you do?

Yeah. So one of the first things that we did in the. In the old house was kind of christen each room minus the bathrooms. Cause, you know. Yeah.

So that's a really good memory. That's a good thing. Yeah. We're just looking forward to making those memories and christinating the new rooms. I love it. Sarah, congratulations. Really. Buying a house is a big step. A new house, a new chapter. It is. So congratulations, and here's to many more years of great sex. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for calling. Let's talk to Jonathan, 45, in Iowa. Hi, Jonathan. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Yes. Actually started listening to you actually probably about two weeks ago. I'm actually working in Iowa, helping try to get people's lives back together after the big storm. But caught on to some of your old episodes. But I just want to make a comment for all the males that listen out there and go ahead and back you when I say that using sex toys on your female partner is wonderful and great. I just want to tell all the males that in my 20 plus years experiencing sex through marriages are through women using sex tools. I look at them like, and I tell men this all the time. Or my friends, it's like working on your car. You know, you got different tools for different jobs on a car. You shouldn't feel intimidated. And your number one, of course, is to pleasure your other partner regardless of what you use.

Exactly. Jonathan. The job gets done.

Yes, the job gets done. And there's different toys, there's different stores you can go to. You can probably remember. Well, I don't know. I'm probably a lot older than you, but back when I was younger, you know, going to a sex, you know, adult toy store was sort of creepy and had a lot of strangers hanging around there and guys in trench coats. But now you got adult stores that are cleaner than some of the Walmarts and targets you go into, so.

True.

That can help you, you know.

Exactly. Oh, my God, Jonathan, you got to come work for us. This is amazing, Jonathan. It's true, though. Yeah, I know. I grew up in Michigan and there was this one off the highway. I think it was called, like, Pink lady or something. I don't remember what it was called, but it was so sketchy. It was like pink and black. It was. I was driving to college. It was like a pink light flashing with like a naked woman and then. Yeah, same thing. Like men in trench coats. You have to go to the back of the store. I was. It was so titillating. No, they're like beautiful stores that you walk in. It's like, totally fine. There's so many toys. Yeah. And it's just another tool in your toolkit. In your sexual toolkit. Exactly, Jonathan.

Yes.

Thank you.

And the other thing too is I just want to say yes, lube's important. Instead of having one lube on your nightstand, you should have multiple lubes because there's different lubes for different situations.

Exactly. Oh, my God. Love this. Jonathan, what's your favorite lube? Do you silicone or water based?

To be honest with you, my favorite lube is whichever lube the woman I'm with feels comfortable with. Because not all women are the same.

True. There's some great water based ones. Some women are more sensitive. Thank you, Jonathan. You sound like a very evolved open. I wish that. You know, I hope a lot of men are listening to this and they're inspired right now that it's all just sex. It's all about pleasure. Why not do what makes everyone feel good? Okay, this is from Instagram. Our Instagram is Sex with Emily. It's from a female and she says, is it okay to always bring a clitoral vibrator into the bedroom if that's the only way you can finish with a partner? Love this question. So many women I know just keep their vibrators to themselves and we leave it in our little drawer, you know, but in our nightstand. And we're like, well, I have to just either fake this orgasm or pretend it's okay that I didn't orgasm. But I know there's this little powerful little magic right next to my bed, but I don't want my partner to feel bad about it. I don't want to feel shame. What is wrong if that is the only way you can orgasm? You're having an orgasm. Does it matter how it happened? Can we please let go of the fact that every orgasm is supposed to happen with a penis inside of a vagina? If I'm telling you it only happens 20% of the time, why are we so caught up that that's what it is, that's how it has to happen? I say, yeah, what I'm telling you is that you definitely want to talk to your partner ahead of time and say, hey, you know, I've got this toy. It feels really good. What I do is I'll be like, check out my toy. Like, right when we're starting to, like, fool around. And then I pull it out. I'll just say, look at this toy. And first off, so many men that I'm. They're expecting, like, a huge, giant dildo. It's going to be bigger than them because that's how they picture vibrators. Then I turn it on, and then I'll, like, slowly, like, I'll get out some massage oil, and I'll start to move it over their body, like, over their chest. I'll start to tease them with it. I'll make out with them, and then I'll, like, have it on their neck. And I just. They're like, whoa, that feels so good. Because vibrations feel great all over your body. Our bodies are covered in nerve endings, so why just rely on our hands, right? Don't do that either. You could just use. So I just show them, and then I'll tease them. I'll use it on. Maybe on their shaft. If I'm, like, going down on them, I'll, like, tickle their balls with it. I'll use. You know, it's like it becomes our toy. We're doing it together. Then when we're starting to have, you know, penetrative sex, should it happen, then we're still using the toy. It's still my hand. And then I'll like, okay, and here's how it goes on my clitoris. And that's how you do it. And I can't imagine that that should be a problem. So to answer your question, Amber, female from Instagram, I think it's always okay to bring it into the bedroom as long as you introduce it. You don't just, like, sometimes I think, you know, think about it. Anyone gets up in the middle of sex, you're like, what? What happened? What are we doing? Like, you have to have it out already. Let introduce it to them, right? It's like going up to a dog or something. You know, you go up, you know, like, warm them up. You just go up, pick up a dog. Why? This is my analogy. But you're like, hey, come here. Like, you smell my hand. Like, let me pet you. Same thing. You're like, look at this toy. Isn't it cute? Like, this little pink? And then you show it to them, and they're like, oh, yeah, that's fun. Show me that. And it feels good to them. So if it feels good on them, they're not gonna care that you're using it. Hector, 32, in San Bernardino, California, he has a question about lube shooter tips. And you're probably going, what the hell's a lube shooter? Well, you know that I'm a huge fan of lube. I think that lube is so underrated and that a lot of you just don't have lube. You don't have quality lube. You. You know, you only use it if there's a huge problem. But I believe that every sex act is highly improved by adding a few drops of lube. Well, he said, my wife and I have recently been having a lot of pegging sex lately. Meaning that she is penetrating him with a dildo in his anus. That's what it means. I just recently heard the relax, it's just anal episode. That was the first time I've heard about lube shooters. My question is, when applying the lube, do we insert it all the way in me and then eject the lube? Also, for the lube tablet, what brand do you suggest? All right, I wish I had a lube shooter here, but I don't. But that was a really fun episode. Relax, it's just anal. We had Alicia Sinclair on from BE Vibe. Her company is all butt plugs. She's literally like, nope, I'm not gonna do anything but butt plugs. I'm gonna do a loop shooter, and I'm gonna do it right. So a loop shooter just kind of looks like a syringe, but it has lube in it. So you fill it up with lube, and you can use this in your vagina as well. But if you put it in the anus, you want to go about halfway in, and you want to fill the lube shooter up halfway as well. You put it halfway in. You want to put it all the way in, and then you just kind of slowly release it, and then there's like, no mess. There's no cleanup. You know that you are well lubricated because remember, remember your anus is not self lubricating. And so that's when tears happen. That's when anal sex can be super painful. So you want to always prepare for anal. And I love the idea of a loop shooter. And you can get loop shooters for like 12 bucks in some places, which isn't a problem at all. That's 12 bucks for a loop shooter. I have a loop shooter at the office. That's another reason to go back to the office. I want to get a loop shooter and I want to try it. Let's do this email from Abby. She says, I've been dating a guy for about five months and everything's going great. For the most part, I. I trust him. I believe we've created a strong foundation, although there's one thing that I cannot figure out, how to navigate. He doesn't like being told what to do while the sex is good. I feel like I'm putting in more effort. He's only gone down on me once, never tries to pleasure me in other ways besides with his penis. I've tried to tell him these are the things I would enjoy, but nothing's changed. How do I get him to put in more effort without him feeling like I'm telling him what to do? Let's break this down for Abby. I love when you guys start out like everything's great. I love when they're the best person ever. But there's one thing now, to me, this isn't just one little thing. This is a big thing. I understand that there's a lot of people and I don't want to just say men, but in this case, I'm just going to say that. Don't want to take directions. I believe in some way it's because many men might feel. And women feel this too. Don't get me wrong. We don't want feedback when we're trying to be sexual because we feel that it means that we are somehow broken and men have so much. Or we're like failing in some way or we're less manly. And my heart goes out to. Men say this all the time. Because you have so much pressure in a heterosexual relationship, traditionally. Now times, they are changing. But you have to make the first move. You have to plan the date. You're supposed to know what you're doing sexually. And then someone says to you, oh, babe, I want this, I want that. And then you're like, don't tell me what to do. I know my Way around your body and what I want me. I'm thinking that's what it is. I have to think that's what it is. Like, you can tell me if you ever not wanted to take instructions from someone and why in the bedroom? But, Abby, you feel like you're putting in more effort. You probably are. And the fact that he only goes out on you once and you've told him. It's not that you're telling him what to do. Like, let's. Let's break this down. I'm telling him what to do when he doesn't like it. I'm going to change the language here. You're not telling him what to do. You're having a healthy conversation about your sex life, which you should be doing five months in. You should be doing it five days in. And you're like, yeah, you know, this is. You know, hopefully we say it this way. You know, it's really hot when you go down on me. I love it. That's like one of my favorite things. And by the way, for the majority of vulva owners, oral sex is one of their favorite things. Something with the external stimulation is what's going to do it for women. If you're talking about orgasms, you're talking about the most pleasure. That's where all the nerve endings are on the outside of the vagina. Problem is, a lot of people don't have this information that only 20% of women are going to orgasm from a penis. So it just. He doesn't know any of this. He's like, the majority of men who haven't listened to the show, who haven't ever researched on their own, they're just going off of porn, and they're going off of what they might have learned from a friend or what they've seen. That penetrative sex is the magic. Like, that's what we're all working towards. Foreplay is just that it's four before the sex, before the sex. It's not the actual sex. Foreplay, the boobs, you know, playing with the breasts, going down. That's just a warmup. That's the appetizer. But the magic is in the penetration. Penis goes into vagina, and that's where it happens. Now I understand why that is a belief. I understand why people feel that way, because that's all we see. Like, in fact, we say penis vagina when really it's penis clitoris. It's penis clitoris. The clitoris is where most women are going to have orgasms and pleasure. So Regardless, your boyfriend is still believing this old model. And this is what makes sense to people. They're like, well, this is what's going to happen. So you just have to educate him. Abby. I would say outside the bedroom, you guys know, like, I believe the best conversations about sex happen with timing and tone and turf under consideration. You want to do it at a right time, when you're not stressed out and fighting about something else, or you're frustrated that your partner didn't do something. Right time when you're not hungry, you're not anxious, you're not pissed off. And then your tone is always curious and light and say, you know what, babe? This is. Oh, God. Our sex has been. You know, I so love when we're, like, making out. Things are great. And you know what? I really. I know I've told you this, but what really gets me turned on, like, what I fantasize about when you're not here, is the way you go down on me. It is so hot. That thing you've done that one time you did it, whatever. But you don't want to be like, you never do it. I've told you this five times. Because nobody changes their behavior that way. They just don't. The second you get that tone, because I'm talking about tone, it's curious, it's light, it's not nagging. It's not saying, you never do this and you don't do that because that puts our partner on the defensive. Defensive. And then it's turf. It is outside the bedroom. It is not. When it happened again, he just stuck his penis inside of you. He did three pumps, he came and he rolled over. And you're like, you know what? I really wish you would have gone down on me again. And I know that's when you want to have the conversation because you're frustrated. Has to happen later. That's my advice for you, because you're asking me, abby, how do I get him to put in more effort without him feeling like I'm telling him what to do? Well, you could even say to him outside the bedroom, let's talk about our sex life. It's been five months in. You could even say to him, here's a great icebreaker for this conversation. What's your three most memorable times you've had sex? And then guess what, Abby? You can say to him, well, here's mine. One of them can be that time you went down on me. And then you could even from there say, and I really love when you go down on Me, I mean reinforce it in an environment where you're exchanging information and you're having a healthy conversation. That's when our partner can start to hear us. That's when we can start to have healthy conversations around sex rather than the ones that are just go nowhere and we feel like our partner's not listening to us again, you know, I genuinely believe that we're all good people, that we all come onto the planet. We all born to this earth, we're good people. If we're in a relationship with someone, why would we be in a relationship with someone deciding that we're gonna be a bad lover? Like, I'm gonna, I love this person. I'm gonna be with Abby, but I'm just not gonna get meet any of her needs. I'm never gonna go down on her and I don't care if she is an orgasm. Like, I don't think that her partner is walking around thinking that Abby highly doubt it. But the disconnect is that there's just not enough information that he has and education around. Like what works for you? And I'm not even saying this as every woman like, what Abby works for you. What's a big turn on? And I think that we have to all remember that our partners are not mind readers. They're maybe assuming on what little information they have about sex is what's going to turn you on. And most of the time, again, everything we mostly learned about sex until this point isn't true. It doesn't work. It's not working for Abby. So what is the one thing that you want your partner to do more of now? It could be in the bedroom or anywhere else. What's that one thing that you want them to do more of that they're not?

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackswithemily.com.

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