Surprise Orgasms & Summer Sex Talks

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. This is Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm bringing you summer highlights of sex in the news. Because, hey, what better way to welcome in the fall season than by reflecting on the hottest happenings of 2019? Plus, I'm answering all of your sex, dating and relationship questions. Topics include from summer penis to accidental orgasms to non consensual choking. Was all the heat that this summer brought us? Was it really hot? We'll find out. Video chat. It's ideal for first dates, but maybe not the best way for figuring out if you're actually sexually compatible. So you haven't talked about sex with your husband in years and there's quite a lot to unravel. Where do you begin? And how to find the common ground on your sexual experiences and make it the best sex yet. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them.

In a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much.

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. if you've not been to our website, you will love it. Plus you can find me on SiriusXM radio. It's Stars channel 109 Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific. It's been amazing. You guys should check it out. You can get a free 30 day trial at sex with emily.comsxm or just call in 889-47-8277. You can find me on all social media. It's at Sex with Emily across the board. All right guys, than for listening, enjoy the show. We got some news. Some good bet news.

Good job, Jamie.

It's my favorite thing in the world.

All right, okay. Does summer penis exist? The truth about men looking bigger in the heat. You just made me want to talk like that after that news thing.

I like it. I'm into it.

Okay, so you guys, here's the deal about your penis, okay? There's a whole debate. As the temperature rises. Some men swear, they swear the heat has a very flattering effect on their penis. They think it adds inches in length in length and girth down below. So there's a phenomenon. Guess what they call it? Summer penis. I could think of a better name for that. But anyway, summer penis is a temporary penis fluctuation thanks to the heat and warmth and gives you a months long leg up on shaft size. In a world of growers and showers, consider it nature's way of bringing some equality to packages everywhere. So then, you know, it goes on and says that some men are saying, yeah, my penis is consistently larger when I look in the mirror in the summer. I've had bigger measurements taking in the summer. And I mean the truth is you're out more in the summer. You're hiking, you're swimming, you're going for long jobs, the blood is pumping and that's typically going to mean that you're going to have a seemingly larger penis and a larger erection because as we were saying earlier, we're talking about gainswave. Like so much about the penis is erection and having a healthy erection is about blood flow. So, you know, then there's some debate back and forth. But the truth is it does make sense that if a man's penis that the size, the size of a penis can increase and decrease as the result of a relaxation and contraction of the tiny little blood vessels that comprise on the inside of the shaft of the penis. So when they're warmer, it's going to increase relaxation, which increases the blood flow, which means the longer, fuller experience. So more heat, more flow. More butt flow. Bigger penis, bigger peen, they call it in the article.

Bigger pee.

I mean, and your testicles absolutely do hang a little lower when it's hot. So, I don't know. I mean, I guess I feel like if you want to look larger also, and there's some debate, I don't know if it's going to be so much that you're all of a sudden going to have this penis confidence. But it's a good thing to know.

How many men are walking around, like, showing off their flaccid dick, though, is my question.

I don't know. But maybe even when it gets larger, when it gets erect, it's also bigger.

Oh, okay. Interest.

Well, but maybe you guys. The other thing I thought of. I thought of. You know what? You know, the thing about summer is that you might also be swimming. It could be colder. You know what happens?

Think women know about shrinkage.

How do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

Do women know about shrinkage? What do you mean, like laundry?

No, like, when a man goes swimming afterwards.

It shrinks. Okay? That's where actually, in our opening hour show, we're like. It's like laundry. It shrinks. But shrinkage is a thing. And in that episode of Seinfeld when George is like, I was in the pool. Cause a girl walks in on him and his penis is small. So there's also the shrinkage factor that can happen in the summer if you're in the pool. So just know that. I guess it grows. It shrinks. When your pizza is cold, it will shrink. It'll happen.

So this is supposed to make them feel better. Like, as opposed to the winter time when it's cold or when they're. Or maybe, maybe, hopefully they're just in warmer pools, warmer water.

Yeah, yeah. And it's just warm outside and you're running around. So I'm just saying it's a thing. So if you've been feeling down, which you never should about your penis size, because we got you. We talk about this all the time, you guys. You know that you are the one. You. You are more concerned about your penis than anybody else's. Like, we're not tripped up on. I mean, some people might be tripped up on size. But the majority of women or people who are with penises that I've heard from are not. Are not caught up in size.

Have you ever been with someone that was like, insecure about their penis size?

Yes, I have been like, how did you. I believe that. Well, I believe I started my. I believe that's why I have a show. I dated for two and a half years and it was small and he was a premature ejaculator.

Oh. So there's two things.

There was a twofer. And I often wondered if they were connected because he was insecure about his penis size and then therefore would prematurely ejaculate. I don't know. I think they were connected. But I was. I was way too. I did not have enough knowledge to know what to do with that situation. So. Yeah, but I honestly, there was other things that were. I don't know, it was a long time ago. There were other things that were good about it. And we did kind of learn and I did get the book the Multi orgasmic Man for him. And because that was a book that was out, I was like, we should work on it. But then I remember getting bummed because he wasn't working out and he wasn't doing the exercises. I was like, you got to do those stop start method things. You got to do those exercises. And he wasn't. He wasn't really willing to do them. So. Yeah, and I have been. I mean, I'm trying to think overall, I think guys know, but I'm telling you, this guy went off, got married, he happily married, got kids. Like, I feel like for me, there was other things, and I wasn't even looking for a serious thing at that time. But it's not a deal breaker. It is not the end of the world. There are. It is actually, for. For many women, they don't even notice. They don't care. They're like, I get off in other ways. And remember, the G spot is only an inch and a half inside anyway. So it's not about the depth. It's not about how deep you can go. And if anything, we hear that girth is where all the magic. If we want anything, it's not length, it's girth.

That is very true. Because you like to feel filled.

Filled up. Yeah.

But then Kegels help with that.

Kegels help you fill. If you bulk up your pelvic floor muscles, you bulk up this holiday season with your Kegels. I got an iPhone app called Kegel Camp and you can download it on your iPhone and then it reminds you to do them twice a day. In three weeks or a month, you're going to be having a lot stronger orgasms.

I just, I just thought about like if there was like an like a, like a woman's section or like a vulva haver section of the gym where like penis havers could not go. And it's just like a workout class of doing kegels and different weights. And it's just like I think there should be.

I mean I have the kegel balls when I got the weighted balls, like that was the changer for me and the apex and the gym. Oh, speaking of the gym, our next one. Okay you guys, speaking of the gym, we got some more sex in the news for you. You can also call us keep holding, calling-894-78277. Accidental orgasms are real. And here's how they happen. So I got interviewed for a story with by Refinery29 a few weeks ago and they were like, Emily, well what's an accidental orgasm and how does it happen? And so it ended up being this, this an article here. And essentially what it is is they happen in non sexual situations. Like you could be in physical therapy, you could be working out, you could just be laughing really hard. You could be in a hot tub. A lot of people have accidentally orgasm while exercising and that is called a core gasm.

Ooh.

And I actually when writing this article I realized that that' had a chorgasm.

Really.

I used to go to the, and this was years ago. I would go to the gym and they had those thigh machines where you could the abductors. It wasn't the thigh master. It was like those abductors and inductors.

Oh no, I know what you're talking about.

You could make it go. You could push your legs together or apart.

Yes.

So when I was doing the one where they were coming together, I can still remember this coming. It would take coming together. I would do it for like two seconds. I was like. And I, I was on that machine. I was like, this is amazing. And it was like the quickest orgasm I ever had. And, and it was because you are, that you are working those pelvic floor muscles. So there's two ways to actually have an like a, or several ways you could have an accidental orgasm. But that's because I was working and I at the time I didn't know that it was my pelvic floor muscles or why. But that's one of the reasons. And the other times it can happen is because, hey, you guys, your clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. So if there's friction, right? Like when you're. Maybe you are doing yoga or, you know, you are. You're. It's rubbing against your, you know, you're doing something where your fabric is rubbing against your clitoris. So maybe you're wearing like, you know, underwear, you're biking or you're. You're running or there's some kind of just. Just friction.

So I'm surprised I haven't laughed myself into orgasm because I feel like I laugh all the time.

I know.

And then I'm masturbating all the time. So I would feel. Feel like at one point, I feel.

Like you're right for that.

I'm gonna try. But then would that be we? I don't know. I always think about when you laugh, like during sex, and you don't want to make it seem like you're laughing at the person, right?

If you're laughing during sex.

Well, yeah. Cause like, what if I just tried? Like, what if I figured out I could do that and then I tried to do that to help me further along?

I'm not even laughing. Sex. I'm like, this is not about you. I'm thinking about something else. Yeah, you just let them know, which is that.

Is that actually something good to say? I'm thinking about something.

No, don't say that. I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at me. Maybe it's because if you just start laughing in the middle of sex, you know, he's gonna think you're laughing about him. But the other thing is. Okay, so exercising could be tensing and releasing your pelvic floor muscles. You could be lifting weights, doing crunches. In fact, you guys, here's a great incentive to do your sit ups because that's the most common way people had them doing their sit ups. I know. And then what else does it say?

I guess I'm going back to the gym now.

See if you need an incentive.

So. But what do you do, like, with your face?

Just gotta get that. That O face down. You gotta get that poker O face. I mean, I don't know. I could do. I think I was just like, I'll do 10 more sets here. I'm not getting off. I'm. No, I'll be here for you.

I'm not getting off the machine, but I am getting off.

You know, if you're right. Exactly. I'm getting off and not getting off.

Right.

James, the line just like starts Building behind you. And it's like, been an hour, and Emily's just having 17 orgasms on the machine.

It was amazing.

I hope you wiped it down.

No, I did. It wasn't like. It was. It was fun. And they'd be like, you know, people like, can I work in your set here? Have you ever been a gym person? Like, let me work in your set. Oh, no.

What is that? Oh, no. Explain that to me.

They're like, way behind you. Yeah. It's annoying when you're using a popular machine at the gym. Like, I. You know, when you're lifting weights and you go in, people like, you mind if I walk in with you? Because you're doing a. You're doing. You're using a machine and you're doing three sets, so you might stop. And then, like, you stop for 10 seconds and they're like, you mind if I work? And then you gotta wait for them to do their set.

No.

If they're gonna ask, you can't say no, though.

You can't really. You can't be like, no.

You can be like, actually, I'm sick. You might not.

Oh, is that what you say? That's good.

Well, it depends how much time I have. Right?

Exactly. So can I. Working your set. And then I would definitely say no. It can also happen when the base gets turned up. Riding a roller coaster, using a weed whacker, and even skydiving.

A weed whacker.

And please don't be embarrassed, you guys. I mean, with all the nerve endings and the pressure and the friction, like, I think it should happen more often. I want a vehicle like a nipple orgasm. I know. I feel like it will.

I want to be walking along the street and just be like.

Right, I'm gonna start walking. If my legs go up closer together.

You could have a moxie in your pants.

Oh, see, you know what? I'm just gonna idea for the weekend. I am just going to try it out and just bring it to the day party I'm going to tomorrow.

Darty.

The. To the Darty. To the Dager.

The Dage. I've never heard now, but day party is a Darty.

Yeah. So I'm gonna. Yeah, you know what I'm gonna try. I'm not gonna tell any of my friends, and I'm gonna just be randomly on my phone. They're gonna think I'm on Instagram and I'm using the we can act.

She can use a weekend. She can use an app to control her vibrator. I mean, I guess that's not accidental, but it's still a party. It's still a party in your pants.

It is a party in my pants. Out and about. Oh, my God. I'm actually really, really excited.

The moxie is genius. Genius. All right, guys. And so, okay, here's something else that's happening in the world. Choking.

Choking during sex. Non consensual choking is un. The rise. And so, yes, it's true. It's true that it is. And I gotta tell you, even watching that new show the other night, which has made me think of this euphoria, everyone's say, everyone's at Twitter, everyone's buzzing about that. Is that.

Okay, gotta go back here. My. My computer just. Okay, so it's more. It's. It's a most popular porn move, probably. And a recent study suggests some people are replicating in real life and some are doing it without asking their partners if they're into it first. And then seeing that scene in Euphoria, which is a new HBO movie, which is HBO series, which is kind of amazing, and you're like, oh, does that happen? But they're high school kids. And it turns out the most common age for doing it. It says that this behavior was more common with younger people. 13% of sexually active girls age 14 to 7 reported being 13 to 14 to 17 reported being choked without consent. And so I'm not saying like some women love consent. Love consent. We all love consent. We love. Being choked can feel really good because you're temporarily like, you have to be doing it right to you guys. You just have to be careful. But it feels. It's the domination effect. It's like kind of a little bit blocking your ability to breathe. But this is where it makes me nervous because you could actually pass out. We've seen a lot of stories like that.

And so I think the point here is that some women might like it, not like it, but it definitely is because of porn. And then it's like women. The other thing that's disturbing about this is that there was a study that Debbie Herbendeck did, and we love her. She's at the Kinsey Institute. She said she did a study, situations with a Bunch of People. And she found that 24% of adult women surveyed said they had felt scared at some point in their lives during sex. Scared during sex, compared to 12% of adolescent women, 10% of adult men, and three points out of adolescent. And so I just want to say this, is that when they felt scared during sex, women felt scared because of Rape, sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, fear of rape or assault, coercion, pressure to unprotected sexual. And then the men who said they had felt scared, and it was like.

10, 15% said they felt scared if the condom broke, Right. Wasn't that. There was one other thing. I don't remember. Maybe I heard this in the talk or something.

It was like. No, it was. Oh, it was the one the condom broke. And it was something else. If, like, they. They felt like the woman didn't like them or something. Yeah, like the partner, like, didn't like them or that they're. They're. They weren't performing well enough.

Right.

Like they lost their erection.

Yeah, exactly. So men scared, like, women are like, I'm going to get raped and assaulted, and then they're like, the condom could break and I didn't perform well. And like, so we have a lot of fear. I mean, that's, you know, that's a real thing. So I guess I want to say this is that it's absolutely. Choking during sex is linked to porn consumption. I'm certain about it. And I think that. But the interesting twist on this, which is why I think even if you're a parent of kids, right, you're listening to this. I think this is huge. Reddit, there was a Reddit thread that found that men wrote that choking was expected. They thought their partners would judge them negatively or even dump them if they didn't do it. And they thought that girls are all seeking this kind of rough sex. And if the guys felt if they didn't get in the first few sessions, the girl would dump them.

What?

Yeah. So you just try it out and she says no, then you don't do it again, like, what's the problem?

But this is what they believe, so I'm not speechless. Right. So this is where. Communication breakdown. I think that, like, I could see that if some, maybe only one person needs to tell a young guy this, who hasn't been with that many women, he'll remember that, like, all girls like choking. And what else are you gonna know? You see porn in every porn, maybe. Listen, porn is like your things on Netflix. It probably said it does say, you might also like. Right. You suggested titles. So maybe you watched one choking video, and then every single porn you watched there was choking. So you all of a sudden, that was sex you ever saw. You thought, well, if sex goes down, I must choke. So I think that this is just a really important point here because I feel like this keeps coming up. And now that there's this study, have this conversation removed from your sexual encounter. In fact, ask your partner if you want to choke them. Like, hey, are you into choking? Like, why can't you just say that casually ahead of time? And, you know, and the other thing is, if your partner doesn't enjoy it, if your partner, like, does enjoy it, ask if you could simulate it. Like, maybe you could be like, they're like, I don't like it. Well, maybe you just want to put your hands around their Chuck your. Your thro. And that's hot. But you don't want to actually squeeze. So find out before you guys, like, find out and have the conversation. And like, and then if your partner says they want to, why not practice ahead of time? Like, and there was another thing here. A woman dated a man who liked being choked, so she asked him to show me videos of how he wanted it to make sure I understood smart. That's what we always say. Show your partner what you want. And conversely, if your partner. If you're not getting what you want from your partner and you've been like, I've asked them to initiate. I've asked them to go down to me, collect some data, pull some clips from my podcast where I describe it. A lot of couples listen to this show together. Like, find resources, find books, find movies that demonstrate what you want because your partner.

So is this a way that you can use porn to your advantage?

Yes.

In, like, these small.

This is where porn works. I think it works for couples to demonstrate what they like. I just don't like it as a learning tool and as a. As a. As an ongoing substitution for real sex. Because eventually what happens is for a lot of men and women, but they keep raising the bar so they're like, well, yesterday it was choking, and now it's like, you know, something way more extreme. And they keep upping the bar on the porn. They have to watch that make. Because they won't get. It's like your threshold gets higher, so you have to keep raising the threshold of what's really kinky to you. But then what happens for these people who watch porn that they have to keep, like, you know, it's like, extreme. Like you. It's like drugs. Like, you do a drug, you smoke cigarettes, you smoke one or two, and then eventually you're smoking a pack, because to get the same high, you got to keep going. It's like kind of like that with drugs. Porn essentially is a drug like that. And then what happens is when you keep raising the bar of what you you know the threshold. Then having sex with a human that you know that might just be regular, normal sex isn't as interesting to you. So that's when it becomes a problem when you can't actually even get it up or get turned on by your partner or any future partners.

I mean, I just. Especially if you're someone that's having casual sex, how terrifying would it be to have someone just randomly grab your throat? You're like, I. Like, I don't even really know you.

Yeah, that happens all the time, though. I mean, for me, all guys always choke me.

They do not ask.

I mean, they're not pressing hard that I can't breathe, but sometimes I've had to, yeah, pull their hand back a bit because it was too much. But they've never asked me, wow, but.

You said, okay, but how do you feel about it?

I kind of like it. But if I had a bad experience where somebody was too rough, I probably wouldn't like it.

So it's like, scary.

Just so happens that, like, these guys have not been rough with me, but one time it's immediately too hard. I'm going to be like, oh, I hate this now. Probably, right?

Or you could just show, right? No, it's true. I mean, it's like, I'm not saying, like, I think that's happened. I'm sure that has happened to me where guys, like. But at first he says, but guys I've been with have said, can I choke you? Or like, is that. Do you find that hot? Or like, if I, like in the morning.

Yeah, same. I've had that. I've had more people lately ask if I'm into that. So I think even it's just coming up still, like, even if they're not doing it, which thank God, but they're still asking about it.

Exactly.

And I mean like, yeah, I'm with you. I don't mind like a little light pressure in a sense or more just like of a firm holding. But I'd. I. And I do like rougher sex, but not in that way. Like, I want to breathe because I like breathing deeply because then I orgasm better.

So I feel like they.

They need to use their words. But it's nice that they're just. I feel like they're putting it there lightly to like test you. But I'd much prefer to be asked like you're telling me to do Emily.

Yeah, and maybe. And maybe you could. They could put it there and then maybe a way, if you want it, you could put your hand over It. And then show them that it's. That you would be into it. And then if not, you move their hand away. But, like, you could still get your needs met, but just test the waters. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break, and we come back. We're gonna get into your questions.

We have Sam, who's 55, in Maryland. He says the girl he's seeing is not too good at sex.

Oh, Sam.

Hi there.

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm so good. Tell me everything. Like, what do you mean? When did you find out?

Well, I'm in Marilyn. She's in London. And I met her online. And I went to see her in April. And, you know, I was very much a gentleman and was over there for pleasure and business, and then knew I was going to come back in June. So, you know, we had planned to spend some time and actually, a hotel in a nice, you know, area.

Okay.

I Skype. I Skyped her every day for five months. We had a nice, you know, online relationship. She's a very, very sweet, nice person. 49, had not had a relationship.

So you Skyped her. Let me just get real quickly, Sam. So you met her and nothing happened, just a connection, and then you Skyped for five months.

Okay, got it. I'm just catching up. And then you saw her recently? Got it.

Okay.

Probably.

Yeah.

Probably the nicest person I've ever met.

Got it.

But she's more religious than me. You know, she goes to church every day. So anyway, the moment comes, and I, you know, I mean, I've had sex with people in my life. I'm divorced and all that, and it was as if we were both 15 and didn't know what to do. I swear to God. I mean, I knew what to do, but she was absolutely horrible.

Yeah.

And I just said to myself, this is a deal breaker. I cannot deal with this. I mean, and it was like, you know, like she was a nun her whole life or something. I just felt terrible. And I told her, you know, an hour ago, I said, look, I just can't do this. I mean, I don't feel anything between us. I feel like a friend.

And then what happened?

She didn't know what to do.

Right.

It was like, no pushback on anything, any position. She didn't know what to do. And I felt like, wow, at my age, you know, should I really have to teach somebody all this? I mean, she's a sweet, nice girl.

No, but, Sam. Okay, yeah, let me stop. You. Let me stop here. Sam. I get the Whole thing. So you better watch. Here's. There's a lot of things here. You met her once, you had a connection, you didn't have sex, and then you spent five months Skyping, which is time. You're never gonna get those hours back by the way of not meeting her. And this buildup that she's gonna be amazing and there's gonna be connection and all that stuff, and then you have sex. You're like, ugh. It was not what I expected, which I get it. But also, it was one time you were with her. Now, you can't guarantee that. Like, first. Never.

The first time I was with her, I was with her five days in.

A row, and it was all bad. Okay, well, what is it? I got it. So she probably. You said she's. She's. Comes from a very religious background. Here's the thing. Just because someone's at a certain age or even if someone has slept with so many people, unfortunately, are not indicators of them being great in bed. So if she's got hangups around sex, she's had some trauma around sex, she could make it very easily make it to 49 without becoming. Without knowing her own body and without feeling comfortable in bed, which is why I have a job here, because we're not being those people. So. So I'm sure she probably took. Was hard for her to hear. So is your question just. Do you have a question or you're like, did you do the right thing or.

Well, yeah, did I do the right thing? I mean, I just told her. I didn't tell her she was horrible in bed.

I told her.

I said, you know, I just don't think. I said, I just don't think we're compatible.

Right.

You know, and in all the departments, I mean, she was very much a hovering, you know, smothering kind of person. I'm very autonomous with my time and all that. And so I felt a lot of pressure from that as well.

Yeah.

And I think that was partially due to the long distance thing, but you add the. The bad sex on top of it. I just felt incredibly guilty because she's an incredible.

Well, you shouldn't feel guilty, Sam. You talk. You met her once, and you Skype for six months. So I don't think you should feel guilty. I think that you're 55 years old. You've put in the time and the hours, learning about sex, learning about your body, how to communicate, and, you know what you like at this point. So I think it's nice that you let her know Right away. Listen, this. Thank you, Sam, for the call. The sooner that we know that we're not into someone, of course we feel bad. If you're a good person like Sam and he's meeting another nice woman, we're always going to. We're not going to feel great. It's never easy to let the person down. But at least you did and you didn't string around Stringer along any longer. And you didn't say, you're bad in bed. You just say, I didn't feel a connection. Let her, you know, you're not responsible for her emotions, but you can treat her very well. You could do it in a kind way. And then you can hopefully not string along and let it be done.

Yeah, but what are your, what are your thoughts, though, on the whole? Skyping for every day?

No, you know that I am so anti. Like, I. Listen, guys, I'm listen. This happens all the time, you guys. We build up something like, in fact, people have called in and been like, told me all about a relationship. Now I've learned to spot it after this many months, but I'm like, back up. Have you met yet in this year that you're. You know. Because sometimes I'm hearing things like, oh, well, we've just been Skyping or FaceTiming. I'm like, that is not a relationship. You have to meet somebody. If you meet someone and you find them interesting, you can't wait six months till you see them again. You can't wait three months till you see him again. You will never get that time back. You will just be on phone and sure you can. Maybe they're great conversationalists, but it's not until you get in the room with someone and you're naked or you're making out that you actually know if there's going to be a connection. That's the other piece of the puzzle. And it's just not going to get. You're not going to know until, like, why spend all this time? Because then the more time you're spending just talking and not meeting like that, you're going to have more time to fall in faux love with this person you don't really know yet. And then you're going to be, boom, find out in one second. It doesn't work. And like I said, you can't get that time back. So meet sooner than later. And also, even this goes for the dating apps. Don't be texting with someone. You meet a dating app for three weeks. I say three days. And then meet with them or move on. It's a waste of time. You don't need someone else to text and to connect with who you don't actually know.

I feel like people like the texting, though. They do, because I've had a few people that I'm, like, texting with, and I'm trying to be like, well, yeah, let's go do this, or let's make a plan. And they just keep texting me, but then they get mad that I'm not. I'm, like, at work during the day and not texting back, right? I'm like, I'm busy, and it's. And I'll tell them, like, sorry, I'm really bad at texting during the day because I have a busy job. And then I'm like, but you're also not trying to hang out with me, so I don't understand. Like, I don't need. I told someone once, I was like, I don't need a texting buddy.

Right?

I don't even like texting in general with my friends. It's just memes and meeting up.

Yeah, right here's a meme. And, like, when am I gonna see you? Exactly. So then you're like, yeah, let's meet up. I think that's okay, you guys. And I think that people will appreciate it. Maybe the more that people spoke up and said, can we just make a plan already? You know? But, you know, then you'll weed out those people, and if they don't answer even to that, then you move on. You block them. You unmatch with them. Because there are some people who I think we. There are many people we hear are just on the apps for, like, that serotonin rush or that dopamine hit, like, oh, someone match with me. And it's just like, they're playing a game on their phone. But those aren't the people you want to spend time with.

What are, like, some other ways that people can kind of get that ego boost without doing that?

Oh, God. I mean, ego boost, like on a dating app or, like, because I feel.

Like that's what people do. They're like, I just want to know that people are into me, but out.

Into public and start talking to people. I'm telling you, I get just as much satisfaction walking into a party or going somewhere where I don't know anybody, and I connect with men and women, and I have a great night, maybe because I'm not as focused on, like, I need to find a man to complete me, which I've never been but it's very. The more the. The big best way to fill that up is authentic conversations in public with humans. Like, anyone can be a witty texter because you've, you've. It's the art of texting. You've been doing it a lot. But how are you in person? I'd like to know that. And it's so much more satisfying because you're getting the whole entire visceral experience of being with a human. And when I leave a party or a dinner, when I've met new people, I'm high like I am. So it is such a great feeling to meet new people and have great connections. And when you're shining from that, because that's a real thing, that's when you're going to be attracting in the right people that you actually want to be with some faux person you're texting.

You really are, though, when you come into the office after you've, like, been on an interview on somewhere else or you, like, had a really, like, good lunch with, like a friend, you haven't seen you, your like, whole demeanor is different. You're just glowing and you're, like excited and psyched for the rest of the day.

Yeah, Humans. I love the humans. The human connection. I love people. I love my people. I love good conversation. And people excite me, you know, and again, that might not be for everybody, but I. But I believe if you're just home texting and you think that's a real, you know, hit on your psyche or that feels really good. Try the real thing. We have Brenda, who's 47, in Pennsylvania, and how can she have more sex with her husband? Hey, Brenda, tell me what's going on. Hey, thanks for calling.

Hi, thanks. First time listeners.

Welcome to the show.

Yeah, I'm actually. Thanks. My name's Linda, actually.

Okay. Hey, Linda.

Thanks. I'll just give you a brief history. When I was single, I always felt very sexual and I felt, you know, good about myself and my sexuality. And then I got married and.

My husband wasn't an overly sexual person and it was different from the previous relationship, relationships I had been in. So I think because of that, we kind of got out of the.

Got out of the habit, so to speak, because it was never overly sexual to begin with.

Right.

And then I had two children, vaginal birth.

So I feel a little different down there. And I think if you put all of that together, it's like we haven't had sex in a very long time. And it's almost to the point. Point now, where it feels a little awkward.

Yeah.

Because it's been so long, and he's, you know, he's never been overly sexual. And the other part of it is he's always premature, ejaculated.

Okay.

Well.

Okay.

I haven't had an orgasm with him in years.

Okay.

And so there's.

There's kind of a lot to unpack. Welcome to the show. I mean, this is what we talk about every night. Linda. I'm just trying. There's a. There's a lot to unpack here. So. So you've been together how long?

Let's see. Married in 2007, about 10 years, something like that.

And you have. You have two kids. Okay, so. So here's the thing. Have you guys. First of all, have you talked to him about it? Have you ever said, I'd like to kind of figure out what's going on with our sex life?

I've brought it up in the past, but it's been a long time since I brought it up again.

Right. Yeah. So one of my things here as I talk, one of the main tenets of the show is I always say, communication is a lubrication. And the more we have to get comfortable talking to our partners about sex. And just so you know, Linda, you're not alone. Most people are not. Which is, you know, why I am here every night. Because it's just like. Or we think we have. We're like, oh, well, I did it once. Like you just said, this is all very common. And then you think like, oh, I brought up a few years ago. And then there's so much time has passed. But, you know, you still want to be with your husband, right? I mean, I'm not hearing, like, you're not at the end of your. You still love him and want to make this work, right?

I still love him. Yeah. Yeah. Mm.

Okay. So I know you keep saying he's not very sexual and he's a premature ejaculator, which don't go well, hand in hand. Like, he probably is. Like, I'm not sexual because I'm a premature ejaculator, perhaps.

Exactly.

Yeah. No, I know. I did. I. I dated premature ejaculator for two years in my early 30s. And. Yeah, so it's tricky because. Because you're just like. It's just. You get used to it, and they say they're going to do something about it, and they don't. He bought the books, he did the thing, and he didn't actually follow through. So. Because. Because solving or curing. Premature ejaculation takes work. And a lot of times it is a mental thing. It's not physical. But you have to unlearn what you've already learned about sex. And you got to practice edging and all these things. But really it sounds to me like what might be really great for you guys is a sex therapist in your area. Now hear me out for a second. It's because I feel like there are so many components here and you guys have never really connected sexually since the beginning. You haven't had a lot of orgasms. Because I could. And I think they could help you around this language figure out like they could help him with his, with his pen because he's got to do some masturbation, some stop start method, and you have to figure out how you can feel sexual again. Like, are you, are you still masturbating or pleasing yourself?

I do, yeah. When he leaves town.

Okay, so. Because I feel like. I mean, I feel like there could be a lot of things going on. You said your vagina never felt the same after childbirth. That's the same for a lot of women, right? Like urine, your incontinence, or there's pain or the orgasms are different. And there's a lot that you could do now for that. So I'm assuming that's what you mean. Correct. Like it just. Do you like, sneeze and pee?

I stay pretty active. Like my body's probably in better condition than it was pre kids. I stay active that way. But yeah, I definitely noticed. Like, plus, you know, his penis is not the largest either. I wouldn't call it small. It's probably average, right? I think because of my vaginal changes after childbirth, that's also affecting, you know, like being able to feel down there.

Yeah. Okay.

Yes.

So there's like less sensation, I think. Do you guys like use lubricant? Do you guys warm up? Do you, do you bring a vibrator into the bedroom?

I gotta be careful with the lubricant because we put too much. Then it's like, then I don't feel a thing, you know? So you can use like a tiny amount, but yeah.

Okay. So you can't even feel it. What about like, I mean, I'm sure that he wants to please you as well, so I would think, I mean, also, like, did you, I guess you wouldn't have had orgasms with him? Because if he's a premature ejaculator, does he go down on you or do orgasms from his mouth or his hands?

No. He. We haven't done that in years. And to be honest, I mean, that wasn't always my favorite anyway. Yeah, I liked it, but it wasn't. I liked the actual sex more.

Right.

You know, prior to him.

Right.

And that's how I had my orgasms. I've never really had an oral orgasm.

Okay.

So.

Yeah.

So for 11 years. And so before you married him, he was premature ejaculating.

Yeah.

Okay. And he's your age? 47.

About.

He's like. Yeah, a couple years old.

Okay. I mean, the thing is, like, I feel like. Have you guys ever had any kind of therapy?

We started to.

I want to say, when we were wanting to try to have kids.

But.

We only went, like, once.

Okay. Well, I mean, Brenda, here's the thing. I feel like there's a part of you that's, like, checked out. Like, I feel like you're like. I don't know, it's been so long. And I feel like you have kids, you're in this relationship, and that therapy is going to be, whether it's sex therapy or marriage and family counselor, that. That to bridge this gap right now, there's probably a lot of other things that have been going on that you guys need, like, a third party, you know, a therapist that you're going to commit to once a week for at least three months. And it's going to. It's going to catapult your relationship to the next level. Either you're going to find out that you're going to make it. You can make it work and you're going to learn new communication tools, or you're going to learn that you can't. But I feel like if you keep saying it's been a long time and the premature. Like, I feel like that it. That's going to be your best bet if you. Especially if you haven't done it, and then find. But. But. Brenda, be care. Linda, find someone who's really good. Like. Like, people sometimes are like, oh, it's. It's kind of like dating. Like, I would say, like, get a recommendation from a friend or meet two or three and just find a good person. Because I. I just feel like there's a lot here and I. Yeah. That would help you guys figure out what you're gonna do, because there could be some resentments. There could be, you know, a lot of stuff that's happened. So I think that's gonna be your best bet.

Okay, Sounds good.

All right, Linda, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Good luck to you. Let me know how it goes. It's tough, you guys, because here's the thing. I could go into each one of those, right? Premature ejaculation. I mean, it's a practice. You gotta, you know, you gotta do. Stop start meth. You gotta, like, learn your ejaculatory control so you no longer come too quickly. But it takes. It could take months. He's gotta do his Kegel exercises. Like, I could treat him. He has to do his Kegels. He has to, you know, practice breathing during sex. He could take promescent, which is the, like, quickly absorbing delay spray that helps you last longer in bed. That's what promescent is. And be sprayed on 20 minutes before sex. Could have told you this as well, Linda. That's a quick fix. Per messant that lasts makes sex last longer. Men who use it last, like 70% longer in bed. But there's also the fact that it's. It's a little bit smaller. She's having the vaginal weight. So then I'm like, okay, well, she could go sit on the kegel chair. She could go to the btlm, Stella. She could sit on a chair and get her pelvic floor stronger again. She doesn't like oral. She doesn't like oral. Usually that's one of your best tips, is you come first, you finish first, you have him go down on you. But if she's not into it. Yeah. So then I would also say that she could get a toy. She get the Rave by We vibe, which is a great. I call it the G spot gps, but I just feel like their communication. She sounds like she has one foot out, and it's been so long that therapy is going to be the best bet. And if you guys are sitting there shaking your head or I'll never go to therapy. I believe that not only does every human need therapy, but I believe that every couple needs it. At some point in your life, you're gonna need it. And why don't you wait till you're not in a crisis? That's what I say.

All right, we have Richard, who's 39, in Illinois. It says, trying to get my boyfriend to be more voyeuristic slash adventurous.

Hey, Richard, tell me what's going on.

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

How you doing, Richard?

I am doing great this afternoon. How are you?

I'm good, thank you.

Good, good. Thanks for taking my call.

Of course. I want to help you spice it up. So tell me what's going on.

Oh, man. So this is a rough one. So Alex and I have been dating for a good six, seven months or so. And, you know, we're really into each other and things seem to be going very well. But I'm a lot more experienced than he is, and it's just. It's been very hard to get him to open up and to be receptive to, you know, some of the ideas and the things that I have that I. That I would like to perform with him and do. So I don't know.

He's.

He's actually here with me.

Oh.

And we were. We were driving down the road.

Oh, I love it, Richard.

We might just call in.

This is perfect. This is like my dream. I love it.

Alex. It's okay.

Hey, Alex.

Hey.

Hey, Alex. Oh, my God. This is amazing. Okay. I love that you're both on the phone. So how old are you, Alex?

I'm 26.

Okay, got it. So I would say here, what's going on is that you probably don't have as much experience figuring out what you want in bed and what feels good to you, so it would be hard to just jump on board with what Richard desiring. Is that true?

Yeah, I mean, I guess you. I guess you could say that. I mean, I'm. I'm open, but I just. I just want to ease kind of like closer into those things. It just. It's just kind of in a weird spot.

Got it. How long have you guys been together?

And I try not to put it in the weird spot, just so you know.

How long have you guys been together? Thank you, Rich. I appreciate that. How long have you guys been together?

About six. Six, six months or so.

Yeah.

Seven months. Yeah, we don't really keep a date. We. I mean, we've just taken things pretty casual and just been hanging out.

Okay, well, so tell me some of the things, Richard, for example, that you're craving sexually in this relationship.

Well, so I really like to be voyeuristic. And so we. We live in downtown Chicago, and I've got a eighth floor balcony, and I like to be out on that balcony and kind of showcase down to, you know, where folks, you know, if they wanted to look up or across the building that they could, you know, they could see us and maybe provide them some pleasure, you know, by seeing something that they might enjoy.

So that's, you know, that's something that I really enjoy is. Is being seen.

Right, Got it. So, Alex, how does that feel to you? Like any part of that. Is that something you could see happening in the future, perhaps?

Yeah, I mean, I enjoy, like, seeing, like, I guess, the vision of that and, like, being open and, like, with people, like, I guess, hearing and seeing us. But, like, it just. It just is kind of. I mean, I'm open, I guess.

Yeah, right.

But that's a lot in Chicago. What if your family's walking by? What if something happens? Like, you don't know, it's like, your town, so I get that. So maybe you guys. I mean, what I always suggest is that couples kind of work these things out, like, through dirty talking. I mean, like, right now, I'm picturing you. And we're on.

Yeah.

Have you done that yet?

Well, we're actually parked over at a truck stop right now off the side of.

Well, that would be good. Oh, my God. I think you got to do it. Yeah.

I was.

I was kind of hoping he might give me a hand job while we were, you know.

Great.

We could.

We could touch each other a little bit.

Yeah. Why not? And that's the same. That's the same kind of thing. You could get caught. It's not like all your neighbors are looking, so. Would you be open to that, Alex?

Yeah, I mean, that's. I'm definitely open.

Just.

Yeah, I mean, I'm in.

I don't know why I shouldn't. I should have asked you first, Alex, because, like, here's the thing. What's keeping you, Alex? I don't want to push it. Tell me what part of it. Maybe if you don't, and that's okay, too.

So, I mean, it's. It's just. Well, I guess I'll just tell you, like, beyond. This is very. He's definitely much more enthusiastic and, I guess, larger downstairs, and I'm not really that. And that's where we've kind of had to overcome some things.

Okay.

So that's kind of. It's just. It just is very intimidating.

So it's painful. Is it painful or you're just not sure what to do? Like, if he wants you to give him a hand job right now?

No, it's not painful.

It just is. I get. It's just intimidating when. When he, you know, takes his pants off and I kind of compare myself. It just is very different.

Huh. You don't feel okay. So. So, Richard, what do you think about that? Like, you.

Well, I love his little past.

I think it's terrific. And really, it's not about the size as much as it is the openness to be able to enjoy each other and, you know, just let our. Let our pants down and our Tops off. And, you know, just. Just go at it like, you know, like it's nobody's business and we don't care who's watching.

Yeah, no, I see that. So interesting. Alex, that was really brave that you could go there because I have to say, maybe that's when you're underlying. You know, maybe something happened to you when you were younger. You always felt like that's your deficit. Like, how could anyone want me because I feel like I have a smaller penis. And then to see his is bringing.

No, no, no, it's. It's nice. I mean, it's almost a mouthful, so it's very nice.

Right. Okay. I'm not asking you though, for a second because Alex is the one who. It might. He might want to do all these things with you, and he doesn't know what's holding him back. So I'm just saying to Alex, do you think that's. That maybe every time it comes down to having sex, you're thinking, oh, no, I'm somehow my. My penis is inferior.

Yeah, I mean, kind of, but. And I don't know, I guess your advice to, like, in our relationship, would it be okay to like, bring in like, toys or something?

Yes.

I feel like that would make me feel better and there would be like. I mean, I could get something that's big, but I mean, is that something that you would suggest?

Yeah. I love a huge fan of toys. What kind of toy were you thinking? Bigger. For you. For what kind of sex? For penetration? For.

Yeah.

Vibration?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, like bead style stuff.

Oh, yeah. Anal beads. Butt plugs. We just came back from a butt plug convention. I mean, it wasn't really. But there was a lot of butt plugs and anal beads. We love be vibe with B.

Yeah, I mean, why don't you guys play around that too? That would. Listen, I feel like. I feel like you guys have been together for six months. It sounds like you will really want to make it work. And what I'm hearing here is that you both like each other and, and you. You want to put some effort into this. And so like I always say, communication is a lubrication. I'm so glad you guys are talking about this right now, but I feel like, Richard, there's got to be a little bit of slowing down and like, figuring out what Alex needs to feel safe with you and to feel like he can be. Get his needs met. And then once he feels that's happening, he'll be able to kind of come around to what you want you know.

It'S just so hard for me to hold back. I mean, he's such a sexy man, and I love to. I just, you know, I. The urge hits me and I just. I have to. I just. I have to do it and. Well, I want to just.

Do what, though? Have the sex out. You can still have sex with him. Do what? You mean like ravish him?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

I'm.

I'm very dominant in nature and very aggressive. And so, you know, it's. It's. And I don't do that in a demeaning way to him at all. But it's more of what we can just make sure that. You know what.

I want to know what pleases Alex. Yeah. Alex, do you know what you're craving in the bedroom? That's not happening right now.

I guess just, like, a soft touch that.

Exactly. You need to be warmed up. You need some foreplay. You need to be softly handled. Okay, I get it. I. Dude, I. That's. I feel it. I feel you. That's how a lot of us feel. So it sounds like Richard, what Alex is saying is that he needs a little bit of warmup time, a little bit kissing, a little bit of making him feel accepted and loved and worshipped. And like, even though, you know he's got some things about his penis, doesn't feel so great about it. So. So whatever you could do to make him feel. And also, that's just how we get warmed up sometimes. So it sounds like, Richard, you're really, like, aggressive, and you want it and you're dominant, but he's just not there yet. Maybe you could just learn to slow it down. Okay, good. This was great.

Yeah.

Feel like we've learned a lot here.

He's a beautiful man.

I get it.

No, but I think he wants. Thank you for calling, you guys. This was amazing. See, when couples call in, magic can happen. I just need Richard to listen more to what Alex is saying because he's already saying that he's doing it. He's. Yes, budding. Did you hear that? I had to hang up because Richard's like. But I do tell him that he's so beautiful. No, he's asking you to slow down. Make out with him. Touch him slowly. Don't go right for his penis or his anus. And, you know, make him feel special and make him feel adored and make him feel cherished. And he's like, I do that. I'm using it with words. So gotta pay attention to each other. Also, couples calling in. I love this idea. We've talked about this. When you call in, we can really help you guys together. Okay guys, thanks for listening, for sharing the show, for letting us know how you feel about it, what you want, sending your questions. I love you all and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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