Surviving, Thriving & Sexy With Dana B. Myers

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Right now I think if couples can make a date for sex once a week, that's it. Make it high quality but take the pressure off just once a week, you know, masturbate if you need more. But just once a week together I feel like is the thread that's going to keep couples kind of satiated and together and not if you're having less sex than that. It's likely to create a wedge for some distance in your relationship right now. And you don't want that.

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com find us on all social media. It is sex with Emily across The board. All right. Intentions with Emily for each show. Join me in setting an intention. So maybe when you're listening, you know, think about, like, what do I want to get out of this episode? It could be, you know, I'm feeling like my kids need me 247 right now. How do I find the me time? My intention for the show is this reminded me of this during the show. And I think, and I want to inspire you to know that if we really want to have healthy intimacy in our lives, we can't just wait for the urge to strike us. It's up to us to keep our pilots light lit. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I'm just gonna jump in now because I'm so excited to welcome my guest. I've been looking forward to this one because we all need to chat about this. We all need her help. And this is honor of Mother's Day and for all the people out there, Dana Myers is here. She's here to help us talk about, well, a lot of things. Some of the challenges that mothers are facing right now. We want to help you during sex and dating and relationships. And what are couples facing? Like, how can we deal with our quarantine squabbles right now? How do we even make sex interesting during a global pandemic? Well, I've known Dana for years. I'm a huge fan. She's an entrepreneur and author of media personality, founder of Booty Parlor, and creator of the Satisfied Mama online course. We need that more than ever now. Dana Meyers, thank you for joining me.

Thanks for having me, hon. It is always good to see you and be with your crew. It's awesome. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. I love to see your face. I mean, usually we could do it in person. This is sort of our annual, like, what can we do right this time of year? Mother's Day. And now there's a lot more to talk about. So how have you been doing there in Florida with your two kids and your husband? Tell me everything.

Moms are struggling. You know, we've lost the alone time that we had, you know, assuming your kids are in school. And I think a lot of moms are feeling the same kind of acute pain that they felt in their early postpartum days, right when their kids need them 24 7. And so suddenly, this freedom that we had gotten used to kind of reclaiming our life, our energy with the kids at school, now that they're not at school, are. It's almost like as if the taps of our freedom and our sensual Inputs got, you know, squeezed tight. Right. So when all this started happening, I thought, why do I feel so unsexy? And it's because I lost my me time. I lost my ability to go to my pole dancing studio and, you know, get my mojo on. I lost my girls nights out. I got swarmed by my kids. I'm now suddenly around my husband 24 hours a day. And, you know, you need that space to create erotic energy. So I felt like this total shriveling up of my vitality and my energy. And then all the moms I was talking to, they all felt the same thing. And then everyone stopped having sex. Well, all the parents. All the parents stopped having.

We're talking about. Exactly. Parents stopped having sex. But I'm hearing, you know, sex is. Sex is down. Sex. Sex is down.

Sex is down.

Exactly. Like sex is down. It's not canceled like everything else, but it's down. And people are not as inspired to. To do it. And you're right. We need. So, Dana, how have you been making this space with two young kids at home and your husband? Because, you know, you're always an expert at helping couples figure all this out, but right now, how do you make the space if you're doing it? We gotta learn from this. Yeah.

So, you know, you have to get real strategic. I sort of put on my, like, general's hat, you know, and I get my math out, and I sort of, you know, make my military plan to get some alone time for myself and then also some privacy for my husband and I. Last week, I was feeling super irritated and frustrated, and I texted my best friend. I said, I really hate my husband right now. And then the next line said, and for no good reason, right? And then, you know, about half an hour later, I was tech supporting my son, and I got really fed up, and I couldn't finish the tech support. So I called Charlie in, my husband, and he came and he looked at it, and then he came out and he said, you know, I know that I shouldn't have been, you know, seen your text, but I saw that you texted your best friend and said you hated me. And I thought, oh, no, you know, this is the problem, because now my passwords are on my kid's computer. So my text had come up, and in that moment, what I realized I hated him again for no good reason. But I hated life because I had no alone time. And it all kind of fell into place for me at that moment. It was like, I need to connect with Charlie, but I need alone time. And so it all came out in that moment of communication where I was just like, I don't feel sexy. I feel locked up, I feel irritated 24 7. I'm doing more dishes than I've ever done. I need some alone time. So would you just take the kids out for 90 minutes? I don't care if you have to stand, you know, dodging people in masks, get them away from me, and then I will think I'll hate you less. And.

What I did was 90 minutes. Which, look, in pre pandemic life, that's like a scrap. That's like a morsel. But now 90 minutes of alone time is like, oh, my God. So I meditated, I danced, I masturbated, I had two orgasms. I read my book, I wrote in my journal. And that 90 minutes of alone time to nurture myself and kind of really tune in and figure out, okay, where is that sensuality again? Like, I know it's still there. I've got to kind of fight through and shine it up. And I did. And then I was able to sort of come back to my relationship and be like, okay, let's have sex again. Let's make a date for it.

And then you make a date.

I mean, right now, I think if couples can make a date for sex once a week, that's it. Make it high quality, but take the pressure off just once a week, you know, masturbate if you need more. But just once a week, together, I feel like, is the thread that's going to keep couples kind of satiated and together and not look, if you don't have, you know, if you're having less sex and that it's likely to create a wedge or some distance in your relationship right now. And you don't want that.

There's so much to unpack with that. Dana, first off, my best friend every day is like, I friggin hate. And she says his name. Like, she text. She calls me like, I hate him. I'm like, well, you hated him last week too. And the truth is when she feels better, and then they'll make you just need to have sex. We've been best friends for 30 years. And she's like, you're a rock, right? But we forget. We forget. And I love that you're just like, you know, that had to happen. And then you kick them out and it's an hour and a half, especially as busy moms like, you have time. And you're like, I don't deserve it still. So just dropping into your self Love practice is incredible. You know, how do we do that?

It takes discipline. And look, I've been, you know, practicing this kind of a self love ritual for a good 20 years now. So I know, like f. The dishes, the dishes can wait. Don't fold the laundry, don't pick up anyone's shoes because your whole family's leaving their shoes everywhere. You want to kill them. So don't do any of that and just find a way to transition yourself. I'm always talking about the transition.

Let's talk about that. Because I think we all deal with that. I've had to put. And it's discipline too. This is what I've been really been working on. Especially when we're all home. It all stretched into one long day. One long 60 million days we've been at home.

It's really thinking, okay, what do I need? Like, what are going to be those triggers to light me up and get a little slight spark? Maybe it's a physical, you know, you need that physical spark. So maybe just plant yourself in front of the mirror and put on some tunes and just start doing some hip circles. You don't have to do a full performance, but just start doing some hip circles and seeing if you can bring some blood flow into your pelvic area, you know, where it needs it the most. Like see if you can bring the energy into it. Or maybe you're more visual, you know, and you want to look at some porn or you want to look at like half naked pictures of your favorite fantasy celebrities who, if you got a hall pass, that's the one you'd want to, you know, make love to. So thinking about, okay, what is it that's going to turn me on? Maybe it's erotica. Maybe it's smoking a joint. Maybe it's massaging yourself but really proactively, not waiting, not being reactive and being. Well, like, is the desire just going to strike me out of the sky? No, it's not.

No. But we all think it's going to. So it's like what I love about the self pleasure practice for all of us is that sex begets sex. So you're gonna. If you feel good and you feel those pleasure hormones, you have an orgasm, you're gonna, you're gonna remember why it felt good. But we, it's weird. We weirdly, it's like every month with pms, you're like, it's terrible. I think I'm always at it. And then every month you're like, yep, that's what it was. So it's almost like, know that if you're not craving right now, your libido is low. That give yourself some pleasure. That works.

Yeah. You know, it's like a little mantra. Don't wait, create, you know, Just don't wait. Create it. So do what you got to do. And you're so right. It's muscle memory. If you have an orgasm with yourself, you know, and also, like, use your voice. Like, we have so many emotions to express right now. Like, I'm telling you when I'm masturbating right now, you know, thank God the neighbors are, like, a ways away because I am, like, screaming at the top of my lungs, like. Like, just, like.

I've got bottled up anger and fear and panic, and I'm holding it in my body. So I'm kind of using my orgasms as to, like a cleansing, you know, ride. It's like a cleansing joy ride.

It's a release. Use your voice. It's so healing to lose, to use your voice. And I think that maybe we sort of train ourselves that it's not sexy or someone's going to hear us, but it is such a.

Use our voice in a certain way, right? Like in a performative way like that, you know, that we see in a lot of traditional porn, but just, you know.

No, just find your voice. That took me a while too. Like, that started. It took a while, but then when I did, I'm like, oh, this is like this guttural, deep. It's the best.

I love that you're saying, let it roar.

Dino, your kids are at home. How are you having, like, a date night? I keep getting asked that too. Like, what do we do? How do we. We don't want to just watch Netflix. We don't want to just do that. What do you do?

What we've been doing a lot of is Zoom double dates with friends, which is really fun. So we'll make a nice dinner. You know, we'll make some strong gin and tonics because, you know, I need them to be strong right now. And, you know, my kids are 6 and 9, so they will. I can say, like, okay, it's 7:30. I'm gonna put a movie on. You watch a movie for a couple hours, and then I'll, you know, we'll sort of have our Zoom date. Then I'll come in, I'll do like a quick tuck in. I'll negotiate with them, right? I'll be like, I'll let you watch for extra. But then you're not getting Any books, you're going straight to bed. So I'm making plans to manage my energy so that I know I'm not going to get exhausted having to like tuck in and read books and blah, blah, blah. It's like, quick tuck in, night, night. Then I still have energy to come back and the gym and tonics will have been working and then the kids are in bed and they're asleep and then we'll have sex. But on those days, this is so important. I am managing my energy. So I will take a 20 minute nap with my earplugs in so I can't hear my kids. I will again. I won't do too much laundry that day. I won't overwork myself because I'm thinking, okay, I need to manage my energy. I need to be present tonight. I want to try to bring my fun tonight for the sake of me and for my husband.

Because I think a lot of people are going to come out of this wanting a divorce.

Yeah, well, that's what they're saying. They're saying they, you know, if you look at China, there was like so many divorces after this. But my sense is that if you're a couple, that there was already cracks in the relationship and you weren't.

Yes. Can turn into caverns pretty freaking quick.

Exactly. So what do we do about that though?

You're not having any fun together and then you're also not having any sex together. And let's face it, like 90 of our sources of external fun are gone. Date nights, movies, concerts, shows, you know, parties with friends, double day. All that is just poof. So the fun is gone. You don't have kind of that third person which is fun in your relationship.

Third is fun. We were all having a threesome with fun and now Covid it up and just the two of us.

We were. Where did fun go? Yeah, yeah. Threesome with fun is gone. There's no fun. I had four concerts I was going to like in the last few months wherever people have tons of things they're missing. But I'm like, oh yeah, it's on my calendar. I'm like, oh, that's not happening. And so, yeah, finding this fun and then also like a little bit of right. Don't you think? Like taking the pressure off ourselves. So it might not look like how it was before. Oh, but the other thing is, you know that sex, just making sure you have intimacy, like redefining what that means too, because maybe it's not. It's not just the old in and out like there's other ways to intimate. Redefining, redefining, readjusting to what it actually is now under the circumstances. Sense sounds fun.

Yeah. And you know, one of the questions because a lot of couples are like, well, how do I broach that? Like, you know, my husband, you know, he's penetration every time he wants to finish in the same way every time. But I might not be into that, but I still want to connect intimately. And the question to talk about is how can we co create a sex life that feels compassionate and exciting right now? And I always say the right now are the most important two words. Collaborate is pretty important, but the most important two words in that sentence because right now looks so different than two months ago and hopefully looks so different than maybe two or four or six months ahead. So right now intimacy can mean something different. And can we be compassionate about it each other and about what each other needs and wants and you know, one another's boundaries right now or willingness. And then it becomes a collaborative conversation instead of a pressure and rejection cycle that, you know, is really easy to fall into.

You actually probably are communicating more right now, not less. You probably have those skills. Although we still get frustrated and hate our partners. So what are some of the ways of couples didn't have this, the ones that we already thinking might be heading towards divorce? Are there any like ways that you found like that you guys have been able to deal with like resentments? We all have resentments, but how do we really. Resentments just become devastating in relationships? Resentments are what kind of.

I'm always talking about resentment and how that's like the biggest libido killer and it's on the opposite side of the spectrum from attraction and affection.

You know one thing I always Resentments. Let me say that again. That's great. Hold on, I want to. Dana Myers. Resentment is the other side of attraction. Like if you are resenting your partner, they didn't help, they didn't do this, they didn't show up in time. They're not doing all the things that you're pissed about. You're not going to be attracted to them. Like, you're just not. Like that cancels it out. It's like pulling, pouring water on your attraction. There you go. It's out. The fire of your attraction just went out. Okay, I love that. So what the hell do we do? How do we not be resentful? There's so many reasons why you're not.

Already talking about resentment in your relationship if it's not already you know, a hot conversation in your relationship, you've got to bring it up, and you've got to say, you know, I'm feeling resentment. If I'm feeling it, I imagine you're feeling it back to me as well. Right. You always have to hold up the mirror and make sure you're not being the dick who doesn't, you know, look at herself.

And, you know, you say, I'm feeling unsupported. Would you help me with the kids every Saturday? And just really think, what is it that I need to help reduce the resentment? Is it more childcare? Is it more help around the house? But being really specific. Specific about your needs? And I always say this tool. I'm sure I've said it on your show. And asking, saying, would you or will you? Because it poses an opportunity for your partner to be your hero. Instead of saying, can't you just take the kids for an hour?

And they're like, how come you never take the kids? Right, right.

They're subconscious. They're like, well, of course I can. You questioning my ability. You know, it doesn't give them a choice, but would you? It's like, yeah, of course I will. And it's brief and direct. And you start airing out your resentments, asking for help in a proactive way, in a way that your partner can respond positively to. And then you start getting that help. And then you say, okay, what can I do? How can I make your life better? You say that in return. And once you get that conversation going, you start to air out some of the big resentments. And then what I say is, just do a resentment check.

Once or twice a month. And that's just like, hey, I'm resenting you because of this. And it could be the silliest things, like, I swear to God, poor Charlie. I was like, I am resenting you because I do not like the way you are loading the silverware into the dishwasher, and I want it loaded this way. And I've asked you twice, and you're not doing it my way. And I'm really resentful.

That's annoying. Nothing more annoying than that. What do you say?

It is annoying. Thank you. But at the same time, harboring resentment on it is even more annoying than the fact that they're in there in the wrong way. So just getting it out. And with practice, your partner can start to receive that without being defensive. And then you can also start to receive their feedback without being defensive. And then suddenly, you're just airing it out, and you're able to move on. You know, you fight fast, you forgive, you move on. You air out the resentment, you move on.

All right, we're going to take a quick break. And we come back even more with Dana Myers.

My friend Dana Meyers, Danab Myers.com is hanging out with me right now. She knows all about how to get your mojo when you're a mama mommy mojo. She's founder of booty parlor. She's got a course, satisfied mama online. And we are talking about COVID motherhood. Keeping it hot during COVID And if anyone knows, Dana's got some great tips. What the hell do we do?

What are we doing?

How do I really, if we're bored right now, yeah, we're not feeling it, but we're so close. We seem all the time, it's not hot. There's no space. There's no time for me to get turned on. You know, what do we do? Yeah.

Yeah. So, you know, again, I'm always about, like, what's the most practical and strategic way? Because all the sort of ooey, gooey sensual inputs that we're used to just aren't available to us right now. Nor is the space from our partner, as you just mentioned. As I said earlier, like, planning to have sex once a week I think is really effective. It's not too much, so it takes away the pressure. And the point of planning it is that you're like, okay, I know when it's coming. Now I can think about what might want to wear, how might I want to feel, what might I want to try. You bring in this level of anticipation and planning. It's like, oh, I'm going to a party, right? So you want to pick your dress. You're this, you're that. You want to pamper yourself before. I mean, I literally think of sex as I'm going to an event, right? So a way to kind of bring newness is with that ritual in yourself because look fateless. We haven't been dressing up lately, right? So get dressed. Go through your lingerie drawer. Pull out something you haven't seen in a while, you know, and be kind to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror. Also ask your partner to, like, spruce it up a little bit as well, because, like, it's something that also down. So ask. This is what I've heard.

A great pair of boxers or trim or grim, so that you both kind of feel as though the other one is making an effort, right? And then you're putting in a little bit of, like, Pampering and preening and prepping and picking an outfit that feels really good on your skin so you're starting to warm up in your body. And then when you're in there, don't just go to the same 1, 2, 3, kissing, touching, penetration, we're done. I get to go onto Netflix. Like, if you're there, your goal should be to make it high quality sex.

If you're gonna do it, make it high quality.

You showed up like, go get it, get it, girl. You know, so what can we do to make it high quality? And especially now, like, adding in a little bit of fantasy, of novelty, of imagination. We all just want to get out, right? And the way to do that is through our imagination.

So.

And I'm not saying you have to go like crazy extreme fantasy, but I call it sort of fantasy light or playing with erotic energies.

And.

And so Charlie will be like, what are you in the mood for, love? And I'll just kind of say, you know, whatever. I've been thinking about, like, I want to wrestle. And. And it was that I'd been, you know, watching blow on whatever channel that's on. And I like the physicality of it and outfits. I wanted, like, some more physical body to body contact energy. Almost like the wake me up.

Yeah, exactly.

That was just the energy I wanted.

Right.

So that created just those four words, I want to wrestle. That created, like, a newness between us and a new energy in that sexy moment.

You know, I was wearing. Everybody's wearing pajamas, right? We're all buying pajamas on Instagram late at night, right? Ooh, that looks comfy. I'll buy it.

Exactly.

And so I got these new yummy pajamas, and I'm all slinking around the house in my jammies. And he. Charlie was like, all right. So our weekly sex date comes up and he's like, well, what are you in the mood for? And I was feeling my body in these jammies, and I was like, I want you to pet me like a cat. And it was just, again, that phrase just set the tone. It was a different energy. And so it doesn't have to be like, crazy positions or whips and chains. It's just thinking about and expressing some new energies that you could bring into the bedroom.

Yeah, I love this because we're all thinking like, it's so true that it's just without the space, we start getting lazy. We start thinking like, oh, we're just going to get over with. And. And we have to like, it's like your kids playing, right? They have the imagination. They're, you know, they're playing, like, you know, fantasy games or whatever. And that's what we're kind of saying as well. If we all know we can't leave, we don't have the space. But your choice is either to figure out a way to bring that energy right now and make your sex interesting and different by just even setting a tone is a lot better than saying, well, I'm just going to resent my partner. Partner, we're not going to have sex, or it's going to be the same old boring sex, and then we're gonna get divorced because it's miserable. No, like, let's just. We're just saying it's like a matter of even. Just thinking about it ahead of time, even for an hour, or even saying, babe, it's been really, you know, right now, it's been a really rough week. Saturday night, we're doing it. The kids are going to sleep at this time. And even saying ahead of time, thinking to yourself and saying, putting on your schedule like it is like something else. You're planning for a Zoom birthday party, for example, you'd probably send that person a present. Whatever. We're. Your kids are doing their homework. How do we plan for sex? And so by planning for sex, because I'm imagining some people thinking, well, I wouldn't even know what was on the menu, or if my partner said, I wouldn't know, pet me like a cat. But that sure sounded good, Dana. So, you know, I guess for some people, it's like even thinking about, oh, I guess I could think about what I want to wear is great, what I want to. What positions I want to try, or getting curious about it. Like doing some research, getting a book, reading erotica together, getting inspired sexually, because it really is our mind, our brain is the largest sex organ. So right now, more than ever, we have to get creative with it. We really do.

Yeah.

I love all the ideas.

Yeah. You know, I spend a lot of. A fair amount of my time, you know, personally, I get this is what I do professionally, but personally, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about my own sex life and, you know, keeping it interesting because I'm in it to win it. I would always rather choose pleasure and, you know, let's make it great. And the flip side of that is that you want to, like, also save this inner space.

To know that, yes, you want to make it great, but it doesn't have to be the best sex ever. Like, you can allow some room for error as well. You know, you can both maybe show up and you think it's going to be great sex, but you're actually both really tired, but you still make it through. That's still something to really be proud of, because you both put in, in an effort to stay intimately bonded during this really, really difficult time.

It is. That's. It's all great points, because you got to. If. Because once you let it go for a week or a few days, whatever your regular schedule is, it's hard to get it back. Keep it going.

10 days.

It's like exercise. So this is my question for you, Dana, too. Like, what about Mother's Day? Like, what. What do you want for Mother's Day? What's a great gift? What. What could we do for moms now who have, like, triple duties, you know, than they had before? What's the best gifts right now?

I mean, you know, I don't know if this. This view is widely shared by my inner circle. I don't know if it's as. As widely shared with mothers who may be more maternal than I, but I just. Right now, I just want a break from everybody. I. I would love to, you know, have breakfast with the kids. And then I would just be so grateful to receive, like, from noon until six, just alone. And of course, the challenge is like, you know, where's he gonna take them? I don't know. I don't really care, as long as it's somewhere else. And with that here to read. I want to put her around the house alone. I want to bathe. I want to masturbate. I want to meditate.

I want to, you know, I gotcha.

Really unwind. I want to really unwind.

Yeah, that's. I think that's what a lot of us need right now. I think that's brave asking for it, because I was thinking about, like, my mom was always, you know, when you're a kid, you think, oh, she wants to be with me all day long. You know, she wants me to do all these things for her. But, yeah, at the end of the day, you just probably need time. And now more than ever.

Yeah. Smart thing, I think. You know, I know that I am a much better mother when I have the alone time that I need and deserve.

Dana, it's so inspiring. Tell me what people. Okay. How can they find you right now? They could take your course. Is your course out right now?

Yes, I just. Actually, I just launched it today. It's a brand new offering based on, you know, what's been going on and everyone was sort of just saying, like, how can I access my desire at a time like this? And how do I find that attraction to my partner at a time like this? And, like, why is it even important to keep intimacy alive? And that's when I realized, like, I need to. To do something for people. And so I put this bundle together. It's three central movement videos. It's three sexy meditations to kind of get your mind in a more central space. And then it's. It's Basically, I chose 10 lessons from my Satisfied Mama course. Like, the 10 most effective lessons to help with the very acute problems we're experiencing right now. And it literally, like you were saying, people don't know, like, where to start with creative ideas. It's all mapped out in there.

Oh.

Seven different sexy experiences that you can try out in the bedroom. There's at home dates.

Oh, dang.

It's all these great online resources, like my best resources, plus a guide to. I call it Survive, Thrive, and keep intimacy alive during COVID 19. And so it's live now. It's available $97. So it's like quarantine pricing. Because I know that people are. I know.

Yeah. That's awesome, Dana. And you're so fun to watch and you're so inspiring. Like, I love. I love learning all this stuff from you. It's inspiring. And I think that we all need that right now. I love that.

It's like literally your guide to keeping your sex life alive. For sure. Yeah.

Okay. How can we get. How can everyone find it? And we'll put it in our show notes as well.

Yeah. Awesome. It's Danab Myers.com thrive.

Okay, we're all going to be thriving now. Dana, thank you so much for being here. I love seeing you.

Thank you for having me. I love seeing your face. I can't wait till I'm in la. We'll do an event together, something fun.

Yeah, I would love that. We need your help, Dana. You can find her. Also databmiers.com and all of a Dana Meyers, xoxo on Instagram. All right, guys, thanks for listening to the show. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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