SWE: American Gangbang

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the.

Same motor as the Mimi, which you've.

Heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet. And it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera.

Using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for.

20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r.

A so if you've been looking for.

A toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's got to have her standard. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com you can listen to the show. Become a Friends with benefits member. We appreciate all of our Friends with benefits members. You know, it's really easy to do. It's $4.95 a month. It comes out to like 20 something cents a day, which is nothing for free sex advice. And we promise that by listening to the show you will improve your sex life because millions of other people have and we want you to be one of them. So we appreciate your support of the show. It's been a great week of shows this week. If you missed anything, we've talked about relationship patterns. And Kelsey, what was our other topic the other day? Relationship patterns. And can we remember?

Oh, we didn't do just the tip yet, have we?

No, we're gonna do that next week. Just the tip.

It's actually oral sex tips.

Oral sex tips. And then we've got destructive relationship patterns. We also talked about this week, if you've missed that. And then we talked about the. What was it? Breaking old patterns in relationships and manscaping and grooming.

Oh, yeah, grooming.

One of my favorite topics. I love grooming.

What did you decide after grooming?

We've heard from a lot of listeners about the grooming. Like, they decide, like, a lot of, you know, that there's trends out there that people think they should groom, they should trim. I didn't come to any new conclusions on my own, but I think a lot of listeners have been emailing me and saying, like, I like it trimmed, I like it shaved, I like it whatever. And I just think it's a personal. Oh, we should talk to her. We have a special guest today. Let me tell you about today's show. Sam Benjamin is the author and he's a former porn director. He wrote a book called American Gang Bang A Love Story. And let me just read you a quick excerpt about it from his bio, which I thought was very illustrative about the book, which is. Benjamin worked in porn for three years, became rich, spent a summer living inside a porn mansion in Malibu, found porno love, broke his heart, aged, burnt out, quit the business, escaped to Southeast Asia, fasted, got boils all over his body, cleared his head, atoned for his sins, returned home, applied to graduate school. It kind of goes through this whole. His whole book. Right. I think that's a good description of what happens to you, Sam. So we're going to get into that. We're going to talk about his book and what he goes through. And we're going to talk about just some issues around porn. We get a lot of emails from listeners who, you know, a lot of men and women have struggles around porn. They do. They talk about. A lot of men are like, you know, feel conflicted about their use of porn. And I think women. There's a misunderstanding about it, which I think there's a lot of healthy things about porn, healthy sides to porn. And there's also some darkness. And Sam gets into that in his book and we are going to get into that shortly. Now, we'd also like to talk about Adam and Eve, if you would like to buy any sex Toys. And Kelsey, what would you recommend off the top of your head?

There's the butterfly, the Venus butterfly.

Right.

And they also have the, of course, the Hitachi magic wand.

Right. Which is the rabbit gateway into sex. Was the Hitachi magic wand.

The rabbit collection is always good. Any of the rabbits, I would say. Pocket rocket.

Pocket rocket is a great starter. Is a great starter. So you get 50% off most items. Free shipping, a free gift, a mystery item, and the Kim Kardashian sex dvd. We can't forget that you just use coupon Code Emily at checkout, which is awesome. 50% free shipping, all that stuff. We love that. We love Adam and Eve. So. Okay, so we've got a little sex in the news that we're going to get into here. Okay. There's going to be a male version of the pill. A male version of the pill might truly be in sight. And a team of University of Kansas School of Medicine and nationally recognized center of research into male contraceptives is working to be among the first to put a new generation of products in the market. Men taking gamma Gamin dazzle. Gamin dazzle. Whatever. I'm not saying it right, but it doesn't matter because they won't ever call it that. A pill would essentially be shooting blanks. The expectation is that men, in taking the pill would experience no change in their libido. And if they stopped taking it, they would regain full fertility within a few weeks. Finally. But I wonder if men will actually take responsibility for help.

I don't think they're gonna take it on time.

They'll forget. You can barely take it on time.

I can barely take it on time. And I'm kind of like a dude sometimes, right?

Exactly. But I think it's amazing. It's about time. If this really happens. We've been hearing about this for years, but will men really. Will they really take the pill? They should have to take it. But this is what I hate. There's no side effects, women. We have a million side effects with the birth control pill. And they finally made a pill for men where there's no side effects except for that they're shooting blanks.

I don't know. I think that the side effects for women are mostly positive, though. You, like, don't get pregnant. Your boobs get bigger.

That's true. My boobs were like, don't. My body changed. Right. I, like, became like, my. My boobs grew two sizes. I think my boyfriend fell more in love with me the summer that I was taking birth control because My breasts were so large, it was sort of like my friends thought I got a boob job. That is one of the benefits. But it also, I think can have some negatives too, like, I don't know, emotional stuff and stu go through for the pill. You have any negative side effects?

I don't know. I've been on it for like since I was 16, so I don't really know.

Okay, maybe you are just the way.

You are, but some people have really bad reactions to it. I just feel like if, if a man was taking a pill like that would be hard to trust him having sex with him. Like, did you take your pill?

Right, exactly. It'd be a strange thing. But I think it's time. I think the time has come. Okay, this is another news story that is a little bit disturbing. Nicaraguan. Nicaraguan man dad filmed taking 16 year old son to a brothel to become a man. So he. I've heard this story before of a man taking his son to a brothel to become a man. But he actually filmed it, which is disturbing. On his birthday to do with his virginity. It isn't shocking that this happens, but it isn't often that the entire trip is documented on video. In the video, Don Cesar and his son Juan walk through the brothel, protection in hand, thank God, in search of a prostitute. For Juan's first time, the choice is made. He enters a room and not long after emerges from behind the tin door with a big smile on his face and followed by his presumed first. So this man filmed his son. That's disturbing. I wonder what it's for. Is it for posterity or did he like post it on YouTube to make money? I'm not sure about that story, but that is a little disturbing to me. But you can check it out on our website.

Okay, trying to think. The weekend. Any big plans for the weekend? It's Friday. Free Friday show. Thanks everyone for listening. You know, we do do three shows a week. Three to four shows a week. So if you're getting the show right now, it's free Friday. We're psyched you're here. But you can also listen to more of our shows if you become a Friends with Benefits member, which we appreciate. But it is the weekend. I'm so excited. I'm dog sitting nice. Not only can I not handle one dog, the dog that I have, but I'm taking on another dog. Yeah, where.

Where has the dog been lately?

The dog is with a dog walker. She gets much more love during the day with a dog walker and. But then I'm watching my friend Ruby's dog, who's a lot more mellow than my dog, which is good. And that's what I'm doing. Watching Dog going to the Beach. It's like 75 degrees here today. It's amazing.

Yeah, it's gonna be nice this weekend, too.

I don't think so. Unfortunately. That always happens in San. Like, we have these beautiful weeks. We're all working, and then, like, Saturday comes and it's freezing and miserable. But anyway, I'm gonna be watching a dog and hopefully going out and seeing friends and doing fun stuff like that. Okay, let's get into emails, because I've got an email that's relevant to Sam, our author here, and let's see if you can help us answer this. So let's move Sam into the picture. If you're watching, you know, you can listen to the show, but you can also watch the show. You can watch it. Here's Sam. Say hi. Let's hold up a copy of your book. Hi, Sam.

Hey. Thank you so much for having me on the show.

I'm so glad you're here. It's called American Gang Bang. A Love Story. Am I holding it up on camera correctly? Can you read it? Okay. Where can people buy your book?

Oh, I don't know. Barnes and Noble, Amazon, the usuals.

The usuals. The usuals. Okay, so here's. Okay, thank you so much, everyone, for emailing us@feedbackexwithemily.com you can also write from our website. Just go online and email us there. So there's an Ask Emily button, and you can just send us your question. And if you're a Friends with Benefits member, we actually answer your emails first. You get direct response from me right away, and I'm like your personal sex therapist. Coach. Relationship coach. If you're Friends with Benefits member. Okay. Hey, Emily. I'm a new listener to your podcast, but so far, and so far, I'm loving it. Keep up the good work. I had a question regarding the golden shower. My boyfriend really enjoys it, but for me, it completely destroys the moment and turns me right off. Since he's so hard on himself about it, calling himself a freak and feeling guilty that it turns him on, I try to take baby steps towards doing things that please him in the bedroom. How should I deal with his recurring pleading for me to wet my panties in front of him? And is it wrong for me to deny him those sort of things completely? Any help is greatly appreciated. Sign Bri. Sam, I'm going to turn this One over to you.

Oh, thanks so much for doing that.

Yeah. What do you think about this? A golden shower? So can you explain what a golden shower is?

I guess it's just a guy who gets turned on, you know, by urine. The smell or the drip, or just the fact that somebody will go that far to please him and indulge him.

Right. So he wants her to urinate on him. Okay. And so she's conflicted by it, and he's conflicted by it. Right. So can you talk a little? Because you talk about that in your book. We've got some.

Yeah. The first video I ever made, the guy was super into urine, you know, and he was. He was turned on by it. So in terms of advice, I guess it's like, how much do you like this guy? How sexy is he? What are you getting out of this exactly? Is it enough for. Obviously you don't like it that much.

Right. She's not that into it, but she likes. She loves her boyfriend, so it destroys the moment. It turns her off. Have you ever seen in your experience that, like, people can kind of come around to it, or it's either there or it's not?

I think it's either there or it's not. And these are the certain things you do inside of a relationship for that other person. My question to her is, what's he bringing to the table?

Right, Exactly.

Is it enough?

Is he doing stuff for you? Like, maybe there's like a tit for tat. Like, is he going down on you as much as you need? Like, what do you need to get off? How do you, you know, orgasm? What brings you. Is there any fantasies that you have that you're like, fine, dude, I'll let you urine on my face, but however. Or I'll urine on you, whatever it is. But. But. But I'd really like you to, you know, dress up as a kumquat or something. I don't know what turns you on, Bri, but make sure that it's not just about him. Because a relationship, you have to have two people. You getting. Getting turned on and getting their. Getting their fantasies met or their desires met. And so I would just turn the question back to him and make sure that you. Because maybe if you feel it as it's more of a give and take and not just I'm pleasing him again, or I was really in the moment and I lost it. Maybe there's a way that you guys can create this new sexual dynamic where you are also bringing stuff to the table because I think that's a really good point. Shouldn't just be about you, Bri. Okay, let's get into your book here, Sam Benjamin. Okay, so like I said, you worked in the porn industry for three years. So let's start with some background. Why porn and how did you get into it?

Okay, well, when I was in college, I was an arts major. You know, I caught the art bug, and I was like, I want to graduate and be, you know, a professional, working, creative person. That's my birthright.

Right.

My only problem was I wasn't that good at, you know, drawing, painting, printmaking, sculpture, etc. So I had to figure out, like, you know, what could be an art that I could do and make money. And then all of a sudden, it was like, oh, porno, right?

Everyone makes money in porn and they're all bad artists.

Like, I'll be perfect.

Right. So it was a little bit of your ego kind of saying, like, okay, I'm not. It seems like a lot of you. This is a lot about your ego. Right? I mean, like, trying to please it. Trying to. Not, like, trying to figure out your own demons.

And I wanted to make money, and.

You want to make money, and I.

Wanted to have sex. And I was 23, and I wanted to have adventures. I grew up in kind of like suburban North Carolina.

Okay.

With slightly overprotective Jewish parents.

Oh, I can relate.

Never had a teenage rebellion or anything like that. I was like, I think I'm 23 and I'm ready to go crazy a little bit.

Were you watching porn yourself at the time?

I watched a little bit. Very little bit. I started to get interested in college, and I watched some really good pornos and really bad, and the worse, the better. And I started to do some video art stuff where I used the pornos as found footage and re edited them and inserted my own subtitles. Just try to get cheeky with the genre.

Exactly. But also, you started out, it says that you really wanted to create a different kind porn, which I've heard before. People are like, I'm gonna. And I've met a few porn directors like this in my time that. That I was actually on his porn set. He's like, I'm gonna be different. I'm gonna make porn that is good. It has a good story, it has a good plot, and it's really gonna help people with their sex lives. And I'm gonna be different. I'm gonna be a pioneer in the field because all the other porn is crap. So did you kind of Go in like you're kind of young, idealistic. I'm gonna do it right, Pothead, you.

Know, acid head, like going to Burning man and feeling like, why are we degrading our women in our sexual films? We could do so much underheaded. So I was like, there's a lot of opportunity inside of this genre.

Right.

So then what happened? So you tried, you set out on your journey to make this kind of porn. And what happened to you along the way?

Oh, twists and turns and like, I don't regret any of it. I would say that I'm a failure as a pornographer, you know, I wasn't that good at art. And then I figured I wasn't that good at porn, you know, actually either. However, what turned out is that the value of the journey was actually that it became an anthropological kind of adventure. I was like, this is a whole world that I can explore. And it turned out that I started keeping a journal online. This was before the word blog was as useful. And that turned out to be my contribution.

Right. Which really was creating art. And your own. This book is art.

Thank you.

I wouldn't beat yourself up. So even though you didn't start on your initial goal of making the different kind of porn, you did have success, commutative commercial success.

And I did try to make some different porns. The first nine porns of my career were independently produced movies that I made in Santa Cruz and sold on ebay, which was kind of a growing commercial phenomenon at the time, this early 2000s. And then only when I moved down to Los Angeles about, about a year later did I hook on with the mainstream porn industry and start producing the kind of slop that I had reacted against.

Right, exactly. Isn't that funny that we do that? It's sort of, it's. It's ironic, but in a way you get in it and you're like, that's how I'm going to be successful. But will you still. It sounds, I mean, you've had a lot of trials and tribulations during that time.

I was like an undercover sleuth.

Right, exactly.

In those days.

But you enjoyed yourself along the way.

I loved it. It was absolutely amazing.

You had some good sex.

No, not that much good sex, I'll be honest.

What about your obsession with porn stars? Having sex with porn stars, it was.

Like, God, their legs are so pretty. Like, I can't believe it. Like, oh my God, these. And then it's just like the sex is hollow eyed and like freaky.

Actually. Right. You're like, oh, but then, but then it's. You describe in a moment in the book when you're having sex with Kate that it was like you felt that it was. Which is young. I mean, you were young, like, feeling like we had a connection. Did we have a connection?

Awesome. Yes.

Kind of like how men feel at strip clubs, right? Like they're like, I think she really likes me. I think she's going home with me because she took my number and I got her number and.

Yes. But actually my experience with Kate Frost. God bless you, Kate. Where are you now? At Bunny Ranch? We don't know. That was actually like the one, like so hot. Like the. The top of my head exploded and my chakras blew apart and it was like, hey, I was right. I can get into. Because a big part of my reason to want to work in porn any in the place was the sex.

Right, Right, of course. Because you also felt like you didn't get that in high school. Maybe when all the other kids were. There was some kind of something about your emotional. Your maturity.

Are you trying to say I was a nerd in high school?

You said that, you know, it was all the football players and whatever, and they were the ones that were going to get paid.

I'm Jewish. Okay. So I grew up in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

There's no Jews there. I'm Jewish too, but I grew up with lots of Jews.

Yeah, exactly.

Which is not any better.

Did you grow up in the bay?

No, in Michigan.

Okay.

Suburb of Detroit. Lots of Jews. But you grew up right. Jewish kid. Not a lot of Jewish.

American eagle khakis, you know, tuck the front of your shirt into you. I tried.

And you've got the fro.

Yeah. You know, it's just different. Different world. So. Yeah. And I've always been like, okay, I love women, but like, I really love hot women.

Right, Right.

I just wanted that. I was trying to go for it.

You or any other man on the planet. Like, raise your hand if you're a man who wouldn't want to have sex with a porn star at least once.

Right. So I was trying to follow the logical road to my dream and it was just too logical. It was too straight.

Right. Really? Okay, so wait. So here's my question for you. You say in the book that it presents me with a vision of myself that I didn't like much or respect.

And this is the end.

This is the end.

That's my wrap up sentence.

That's your wrap up. Okay, I'm sorry. That is your Wrap up sentence. But can you just talk about. Well, I guess we could get into that after. But talk about amateur porn first. We'll get into that later. That was the wrap up. You talk about amateur porn. Why do you think? Because that seems to be what porn has become. Like everyone's making a porn. Like Kelsey's gonna make a porn. I was joking. Uh huh. She's whatever. But why, why do you think the explosion of interest in amateur. Because it's so easy and anyone can do it or like what do you think there is about amateur porn versus more professional stylized porn?

Oh well, there's the technological innovations that have come across in the last couple years making it possible for anybody to be their own pornographer.

We could do it now with my iPhone. Right?

Yeah. It's absolutely crazy.

I'm not saying we should.

Right. If you look back to the 1980s, like the only porn that we're gonna see are these big box VHS kind of semi mainstream releases. And then just with the developing technology, it's created this whole new pool of talent which a lot of people like, you know.

Right. Why do you think they like it though? Because it's real. It's like why people like reality tv. I sort of relate amateur porn to that.

Don'T you think? In a way, like people are like, I can relate to that. I can see that I have those flaws. I have the. I can relate to you or you're much more effed up than I.

There's also this Emily, like if in these days, in the search, in the days of Google searching, if your thing is like black teen fetishist with, with, with one arm, you can just type that in and you can find some example of it.

You can find whatever it is you're looking for with porn. So in your experience though, do you feel like you were making. So talk about some of the kind of porns that you made, let's see, were they like following your own? I know that you kind of got off track and it didn't start out like being this, your own vision of what you thought porn would be. But was there stuff. Did you find yourself gravitating towards you did. Towards things that you were interested in or did you.

Yeah, here's a, here's a good example from the early years when I the rose was not. The bloom was not off the rose. I was like, music and porn is really bad. And then I had this idea, I'm hire a funk band to serenade this like honeymoon couple while they actually have sex. And See, what is the interaction between music and sex? And I rented a sound studio in San Francisco, this place called Secret Studios, and I told them I was recording an album there. And I brought in this three piece funk band and this woman named Jessie and her husband Sam, who was like a postal worker. And we did it up. We shot an amateur porn there and it was all secret. And I jumped in at the end and it was just this whole 23 year old adventure.

You jumped in at the end? So you were. How many porns were you actually in?

Maybe like five or six.

Okay.

Something like that.

And how. And talk to me about your experience being in it.

I had an amazing experience in May of 2000 when I took part in this movie called Bitch Brawl Wrestling that this awesome pornographer named Duck Dumont, he's since deceased, he was producing this fetish video about, like female domination. So all I had to do was, like, go into a wrestling ring in my underwear. This is when I'm younger and bigger. Imagine that. And get dominated by this woman, Janae, who I'd used in my first film to dominate this guy Dennis and urinate on him, et cetera.

Okay.

And then she was sitting on my face naked, like. Oh. And. Yeah.

Is this when you were penetrated from behind?

No, that was another movie.

Oh, sorry, I got him confused.

But she did strap on a dildo at the end because I lost the match. So she strapped on a dildo at the end and she like violated my mouth. And it was. She was really hot, Right. I was like, I'm in San Francisco in a boxing ring getting my mouth fucked.

Yeah, right. I mean, you did it. Like, it, like it really was an anthropological experience for you in a way, like you threw yourself into it. What can we talk about, though? We talk about this a lot on the show, that a lot of men feel like if they do get penetrated from behind, like with a strap on or with a dildo or anything, that it makes them gay. But there is a lot of pleasure. Did you experience pleasure?

Yeah, it was bomb. It was fun. The trick, guys, is that just make a hot woman do it and it's all good. And you're like, wow, my ass is a pleasure zone.

Exactly.

This is what I've been trying to tell men forever, that your ass is a pleasure zone and you're ignoring it because you think it's gonna make you gay or it's gonna hurt or it's whatever the.

Emily, I just had this crazy experience in November. This woman, it was the first groupie of my life. This woman read my book and she contacted me on Facebook. I was like, okay, wow. Let's definitely meet up. This is awesome. I was like, I've been dreaming about this. And long story short, I don't want to be too graphic or whatever, but go for it.

You're in touch with Emily.

Her whole thing was she was like, I read about in your book how you got fucked in the ass by this girl wearing a strap on. And like, so are you still into that? And I was like, well, to be honest, I haven't really experimented in since the time. And that was 10 years ago. And she was like, I want to suck your dick and like put two fingers up your ass. And I was like.

What time?

At 3 o', clock, right?

Sure. And man, I'm telling you, my head exploded.

Wow.

It was really. It was cool.

That is really cool.

And I never would have brought it up myself unless she did.

Right. Okay. Do you see this woman or was just like a one off experience?

It was a one off. I would have loved to make it a two off or three off. But then she was like, I fell in love with somebody, et cetera.

Yeah, I know, right? But you had that experience.

I had that experience.

Still trying to just tell so much about the experience.

One experience.

I know. I love it. Okay, so just saying that, like. And if you are gonna try something like that at home, use lots of lube and ease into it slowly. And there is like the male prostate, which can give you much, much pleasure that you are not. Try it once. If you've never done it.

Try it once.

Try it one time. You can start with a finger. You can start with a butt plug. Or you could start with a strap on dildo.

Kelsey's like looking over here. She's not really approving right now.

No, she is. I was just.

I was just thinking about it, like, I don't. I don't know.

What.

The whole butt stuff scares the shit out of me.

Does he really. To do that with a man.

I don't.

Yeah.

I don't want to like, stick my finger up a guy's ass.

Right, I understand. You could shower together first.

Yeah.

Make it a more. Yeah.

I don't know. I just feel like such a prude.

Like, I think it's like ripping a band aid off. You just gotta do it. You just gotta stick your fingers in. Like taking the band. I'm just saying. I don't know. Okay. I gotta talk to you about Good Vibrations because that was kind of pivotal moment for you. The book when you're young and you're just starting out and you're doing some exploration and no better city than San Francisco. And you walk into a Good Vibrations, which is an amazing sex positive store in San Francisco. And they have a store in Boston and they just opened up one in Oakland. And it's just, it's the most warm, cozy place to go for sex information. And they make you feel so good. You can go in there with any fetish, any desire, and they're like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, we got a toy just for that. And they just. I love Good Vibrations. And so it was kind of pivotal for you. So what's your been your experience working with them? Good Vibrations?

Good Vibrations is just the standard that everybody's trying to get to.

I know no one's gotten there.

It's sex positive. It was super interesting for me because I had, by the time I worked for them, I was in one of their first pornos that they made. I'd been down in LA for a while, so I'd gotten. And I'd worked on a bunch of sets as a behind the scenes guy shooting for Sin City and the erotic networks. Some other companies too. So I got a real taste of what sex industry was like in LA and how the performers were treated. And then when I went up to actually perform in the movie for the sex positive industry up here, it was, it just felt more like a team, a team experience.

Right. And they care more about your. Yeah, it's like people are just, just not treated like objects as much. And it's. I can imagine it'd be a better experience. But if you guys want to check out Good Vibrations, they've got toys, they've got porn. You can look, search by porn for couple. We're getting some of this. But like porn for couples, porn for women, porn for whatever fetish you have. And they sell amazing sex products. And if you use coupon code GVMILY15, you get 15% off anything. And it's@goodvibes.com. but I love when you talk about Good Vibes because that was my first sex toy experience. I moved to San Francisco and I'd never been in a sex toy store because they were all kind of in Michigan. They were all kind of seedy for like old men taking quarters in the machine or whatever. There wasn't like a great sex toy. And I walked in there and I was like, yeah, I'd like to explore my G spot. And they're like, oh, we've got something for you right here, this toy, you know, they're so like, you know, just positive and they walk you through the experience and it's good all around. Okay, so this is something Kelsey came up this. So she wanted to know you made a film of yourself. You talked this at the beginning and you said that you sent you the first film you made. I believe that you sent, for an additional cost, a used pair of your own underwear that you jizzed into and then sealed in a Ziploc bag. Is that true? Did you really do that?

This is totally true. I mean, what happened was I'd made two films before that. One was the one that featured the peeing. And then the second one was that the one with the funk band. Second one did a lot better than the first one, I'll tell you that. Because as I've written the book, the true urine aficionado is hard to please.

Ok, and you did it. That's success along the way.

It was cool. Yeah, it was great. But I wanted to play with my formula and see how I could make some more money on this eBay, send VHS masters through the mail. So I decided to do one that would appeal to the gay gentlemen out there. And so I made my own sort of jack off video, which was me, you know, lifting weights and, like, eating grapes off the floor in my kitchen in Santa Cruz and doing yoga and playing basketball. It was retarded. But yeah, yeah, I did. I offered an extra bonus thing. I was just trying to be an entrepreneur. And when the orders came in and I had one to fill, it was like, here I go into the, you know.

Yeah, you did it. Okay, that's very creative. We just want to give you points for creativity here. We were wondering, and she's like, is that real? So we just wanted to know.

So Kelsey did that. I had a good lead on cheap underwear in Santa Cruz.

Okay, good. Exactly. Okay. So what about gonzo videos and porn? Like, gonzo porn? Why do you like them so much? Why do you think they're so. Can you first explain what it is to our listeners? Gonzo versus other kinds of porn?

Okay, awesome. Yeah. So gonzo basically stands out from. In opposition to mainstream narrative porn where there's a story being told. Gonzo is mostly handheld. It's mostly plotless. And oftentimes it uses the director as a sort of a stand in for the voyeuristic desires of the viewer. And so there's a certain closeness to it that I think that a lot of the viewers relate to. And it heightens kind of the sexual.

Tone of the video. But also the thing that I like is that in the gonzo videos, you're a little bit closer to a documentary. Feel like all porno in a certain sense has a documentary aspect to it because the narrative tissue that they try to create is just so bad. It's like stories created by people who can't write very well, being shot by people who can't light very well, et cetera. And in the gonzo, that's all dropped. And if you watch a couple of the films, you might even cobble together a certain sense of who these actresses are, why they're there.

And is that still your. Do you still watch porn? Is that still your preferred?

I don't watch that much porn anymore, except from a historical standpoint.

Right.

Well, I created this lecture in the fall to try to promote my book called A brief history of Porn, where I weave together non explicit clips from pornos from like 1960 until today to try to give the viewer a sense of the trajectory of the genre. So I. So yeah, I've been sitting at home and like smoking pot endlessly and watching these horrible movies from the 70s and 80s and 90s and trying to find cool clips that people will enjoy in a video lecture. But in terms of masturbating and watching porn, I don't have Internet at my house right now.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, so it's like, use the old brain.

On purpose. You don't have Internet?

Yeah, on purpose.

Because why? You just want to try to live.

That sort of saves me like two hours a day.

Yeah. Why? Because otherwise you'd be watching porn. So do you think you have a bit of a porn addiction?

Mm, maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, a little bit, I would say.

How do you know? I always tell people, like, you know, it's an addiction.

Do you have a food addiction?

Yeah. No, I mean, I don't, but no. But a porn addiction, I always say, is like when it, it reek, when it wreaks havoc on your life, like when you can't go to work, when you like, you lose your job, you lose your girlfriend or your boyfriend or whatever it is and it, and it's a problem. But if you watch porn every day and you're still living your life in a very healthy way, a balanced way, there is nothing wrong with watching porn every day.

I completely agree. I would put the limit on it. Like, are you spending more than half an hour on porn tube then? It's annoying, probably. But are you. Is it just a cool, fun thing that you can do it like 5:30pm and then go like go to the gym.

Right?

Okay.

Yeah, I often. Well, I don't watch. I need to watch more porn. It's like been on my list of things to do because I don't. And I have this. We used to have the sponsor, Fire tv. Have you heard of them? F Y R E tv. They're like the Netflix of porn. And they gave me this porn box with 20,000 porn titles on it. And it's just like this box connects to my television. I know.

Look at your eyes.

You want to come over, right?

The next man who gets you as his girlfriend is going to be blessed.

I know. Seriously, it's true. And I need to watch it more and I just don't make the time. I just started trying to watch television.

And porn is getting better. Recently they started filming really well, I think.

So what would you recommend? What do you think?

Just on principle, I think it's cool that they started putting a lot of money into movies and they create these like, like high budget satire movies for the most part. Jamie Waxman and I were talking about it.

Okay. She's co author of my book Hot Sex.

Jamie is like, you gotta meet Emily Moore. She's hot. You need to go up to San Francisco.

Oh, that's awesome. I'm so glad you're here. Right. It's great. So, but the. What was he gonna say? Porn and then satires are gonna. Satire. Right? Okay.

People are sinking like millions of dollars in to create these Star wars satire. What was the one I saw? Bewitched.

Oh, they're recreating Brady Bunch.

And porn is uniquely set. It's uniquely appropriate to make satires because as you watch the regular film, Star wars, tell me you're not thinking about, well, what do they look like exactly? Porn supplies.

There's like porn for everything. Every, every, Every interest. Right. Every. Whatever fetishes.

And these movies are good vibe movies, not good vibrations, but they're not like, you know, pull the bitch over to the side of the room and like slap her around. Like all the satire movies are kind of respectful.

Oh, that's good. Because you do talk a lot about those kind of porn that are pull the bitch around and slap her and stuff. Can you talk about the role of like domination and humiliation in porn?

That was the LA that I somehow find. I think it's, it's actually shaped up a little bit better.

Really.

But when I was down in LA from 2001 to 2003, just the atmosphere was a little bit dark.

It seemed like it was. Yeah, it was very dark and see. But can you talk about why? I don't know the psychology behind that?

I don't know. I'd just be positing my amateur theory just like everybody else.

Do it. Do it better than my theory. I don't even have a theory. No, I probably do.

Amateur alert.

Okay.

The people who get into porn often come from really difficult family backgrounds. Either like an absent father or, you know, mom who partied with them. A lot of. Lot of friends who are actresses in the porn business have told me, like they did drugs with their mom.

Right.

Or they come from like a tough, like, religious background and they didn't have sex till they're 18. Anyway, there's just a lot of shame.

So that is true because that is sort of the stereotype. But I know if menace was here, be like, a lot of women in porn are just doing it. You know, they had effed up childhoods and whatever. Not that you can't swear on the show, but we don't often swear. You can swear, but no, they F'd of childhoods or whatever. And you found that to be true, that a lot of the women who are acting in these porn films do come from sort of more sketchier backgrounds?

Oh, yeah, well, there's always exceptions that'll prove the rule. But man, I'd say from the women that I found and tried to date, sometimes, you know, it was difficult to create that trust bond anyway that leads to people who may even seek out atmospheres on set that are. That are more degrading because there's this draw towards re traumatization that I found in porn.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

So what kind of porn are you interested in now? Would you say?

I'm not. I hate porn.

Oh, you're not. You hate porn now? Exactly. It seems like you've gone through all of them, sort of.

Yeah. All the phases of porn.

Yeah. It's been 10 years, you know that I've been very involved in the. In the skin industry. And now I'm starting to come out and feel like, how can I affect a positive change outside of smut? But at the same time speak to the large level of interest that is available for around sex.

Right. I mean, what do you think about the Internet? Important. So you were working on it, right. Like in 2000 when it was really exploding. Right. Online pornography. So what do you think about the reach has had in our culture right now that you can access porn and young people are learning a lot about sex, which I think Is problematic in many ways.

I'm bummed about it because I'm an old time crotchety purist about movies should porn movies should have like, oh, 80 minutes to them and five scenes and an attempt at a plot because it's so campy and delicious. Now it's mostly scenes that get produced and it's like the cum shot.

You mean they're just like, let's just get right to that shot.

Or they're just mostly like one scene, one sex pairing. It's not. We really are not using the movie as a model except for these satire movies that referenced before.

So.

There'S less art, I think, involved in the porn industry these days.

Right. Which is what you start out to do and which is why you started out into it to be this artist and. And you feel like it hasn't really. Do you think it'll ever happen?

It's pretty difficult. I think it's pretty difficult to create like a convincing narrative when 60 to 75% of your screen time is dedicated to people having penetrative sex.

Right.

Story doesn't move on. And that's the real handicap that.

Filmmakers, good and bad, are faced with when they have to go out and create a sex film.

I thought you did something noble, that that's where you started, even though that's not where you ended up, that you wanted to make this different kind of porn.

Thank you. I can see there's this like underlying subtext. You're like, sam, don't feel bad about yourself.

No, I know, because I'm so. I. I guess I've been through that too. In my 20s, I had a different struggle, but I was very much like, searching. I'm a seeker, I'm a searcher. Like I'm always trying to. To figure things, figure myself out and how do I factor into this? And you know, I just have always been on this journey of figuring out like, who I am through using other tools. Like, I worked in politics for a while and I, you know, working in sex and looking at your. And so I'm like, don't be so hard. Yeah, I just, I recognize that. Don't be hard. Cause we're all so hard on ourselves. We all think we should be doing something better or we're not good enough at anything. And I'm just saying you're doing a good job and you wrote a really good memoir.

Thank you. I appreciate your support and approval of my porn journey.

I do. I told you, I don't judge. I'm the least judgmental person when I.

Was younger, and I was really involved in it up to my neck. I felt like there was, like, 10% of women or 15% that I would meet would have this, like, approval thing. Yeah, do your own thing. And then, like, the rest of them would kind of be like, look at me. Mm. You're on the other side. You've been playing for the other team.

And then I think, didn't you think at the time, then this isn't the woman for me? Like, if a guy doesn't approve of what I'm doing now, talking about sex and the guy, just think, you're not the guy for me.

I did. But I'll tell you what. It was difficult to date while I was involved in the porn.

I was gonna ask you about that.

That's pretty hard.

So it was just because. Would you, like, not tell them what you did? Were you like, I'm in the movie industry?

No. I have an honesty disease. So I'd, like, tell them right away, like a total idiot in the bar. So I'd be like, what do you do? And then I'd open up for this, like, 15 minute monologue about why you.

Were doing it, why it felt good.

As in, like, stay away from me, basically.

Right.

Were you really thinking that? Like, because you were so conflicted, like, the guilt. Like, you talk about a lot, a lot about, like, the guilt and the. You know, the pleasure and the guilt, like, that whole conundrum. And I think a lot of men can relate to that. Watching porn and then feeling super guilty after making porn, even within your case and feeling guilty. So what do you think it is about that internal struggle that people have around porn? It's like, you feel dirty, you feel good, you go back to it.

Yeah. There's this, like, really degraded quality to the product that you're consuming. And there's, I think, an unconscious feeling of, I deserve this.

Right.

You know, like, this is all. This is all shit, and this is me. This is gonna be like my. This is my sex life that I deserve. And then if you go in, you reiterate that feeling 20 times over. If you. If you rent 20 porn movies.

Right. Well, what about the healthy. The healthy impact of porn? Can you talk about that? What do you think is, like, the positives?

I don't have any kids.

Right.

You know, there's a lot of time that I needed to have some sort of sexual experience. Needed. Okay.

What do you mean?

I just. Any. Any guy out there will let you know I'm going to not exist in a positive way I'm gonna go hit my head against a wall if I don't, you know, ejaculate.

It's a really.

Right. So it's a real.

So it's awesome for men, like, studies did have, you know, they say, like, it's. Men need it, and. And, you know, they need it for, like, a healthy release or for whatever it is more so than women. And that women should kind of be more understanding and more. More lax around their, you know, partners when they, you know, who are watching porn and they.

I've been so grateful so many times that porn exists. And I get to look at this incredible, gorgeous body on a screen. I'm like, wow. Because it lends a lot of specificity to this kind of amorphous fantasy that's bumping around in your head and just kind of blows your mind and. Yeah, I feel a lot of gratitude sometimes that sex films have been out there.

Yeah, exactly. No, I can totally. I totally get that.

Plus, you get to see some really odd things sometimes. Some of it is ok, some of it's not okay, but it all has kind of like this documentary feel to it that this is human sexuality writ large on a screen. And there's something special about that.

I think so, too. I mean, I think it can be a great way to learn about what turned you on and what doesn't.

A horror movie has fake blood, but a porn movie don't have fake anything.

Exactly.

That's true.

That's true. Kelce, did you have any questions for you?

I think you pretty much covered it. I was just. I mean, I feel like with porn, I don't know. Like, my boyfriend, he showed me a video, kink.com video, if you're familiar, obviously. And it was this, like, bar trash video where this girl, she, like, talked about her experience first that she liked being, like, publicly beat and then, like, fucked pretty much. And it was like, really? I don't know, but. And he, like. He likes that kind of stuff, and guys like that kind of stuff. And, like, is it, like, bad to, like, like that kind of stuff, you.

Know, to see a woman humiliated or beaten on film?

Or is it even bad for, like, a woman to like that? I mean, if it's something that, like, people find desirable, is it completely, like, terrible to put that in film?

Right. Yeah. And see, that's the cool thing about pornography is that either way that you come out on the side of that ethical, you know, conundrum, porn is so provocative that it brought up that point, you know, it gets. It Gets kind of gets the mind moving.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that. I don't know, I guess I always think about the women. We have a lot of listener. Men. Male listeners to the show. And that I. And I do get a lot of emails from women who are, you know, conflicted by it. And they say, you know, I don't understand why my partner, we're having great sex. Like, why does he even need porn? Like, what is the reason if we're together? Like, does it mean that he wants me to have, you know, blonde hair and fake boobs?

No, he just wants. In his mind, he wants.

Explain that to the women.

He wants 10 women. A guy wants a harem.

He wants a variety.

And the cool thing about pornography is that he can just have you.

Right.

And he can have his fantasy life.

Right. And the fantasy life is completely healthy for men and for women. I think that's why women are getting a lot more. In the last decade, there's been so much porn. Especially, I guess we live in the Bay Area, but it seems like there's so much porn here for women. Like, there's a lot of women I know who are just making porn. So it's like, it's. It's equal. It's a rich equal opportunity. A lot of women love gay porn. A lot of my friends, like, a lot of. I've never been into it. A lot of penis. You get two for your money.

Yeah. And it's more focused on the men and porn. Like, a lot of the guys are just like, these big guys that are not really that appealing for women a lot of the time.

Do you get turned on by gay porn?

I've seen it a couple times and I've liked it. I don't know. I'm not really that into porn, but I'll watch it with my boyfriend once in a while.

But I think it's healthy. I think couples sometimes can come together over porn rather than, like, battling each other over that. Not that the man can't still have his experience on his own, but it can be a healthy tool in relationships.

What to you would be the perfect porno? What do you want out of it?

Oh, my God. I'd like more plots. I think I'd like to. I get into the plots and the characters. I'm a chick. Aren't most chicks down with plots? So I think, like, what kind of.

A plot would be sexy to you?

Oh, God, you know, seduction, teasing, cheating, boyfriend, not cheating. How about ask me some questions that I can answer. That's easier. That way you paint my perfect porn. Ask me.

Let's see. Do you, like. Like the cop scenario? Like, pulling you over, kind of abusing his power, that type of thing?

That'd be hot.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can get into that.

Okay, okay.

The cop.

Let's paint a picture with that. So do you want just the guy, or do you want the cop to have, like, a female counterpart in the.

You know, that'd be kind of hot. Yeah, a little threesome action going on in the background. Yeah, I could see that.

So we have that power dynamic, and that's like a big part of the pornhouse. Do you want some humor laid in there?

Sure. I'm funny. Funny. I'll be. Humor. Yeah. Am I in the porn now?

I'm in the porn.

I'm in the porn. It's not even the porn I'm watching. Like, I'm. Because in my head, I'm going, oh, my God, the. The cop's pulling me over. This is what he looks like. The woman is a blonde for some reason. Like, I've already gone there.

Total opposite of me.

Okay, awesome.

Yeah, that's what I would like.

And then in terms of the graphicness of your porno, do you want, like, it to be soft core? Do you want to see some penetration in your porno?

Yeah, for sure I want some penetration.

How much?

A lot of penetration, but I want teasing. I want a lot of oral sex, a lot of foreplay. Maybe be tied up. Well, they've got. They're cops. They could put me in a handcuff. Cuffs. Okay, can you direct this for me?

This is good. I'm directing it right now.

Okay.

Now, in terms of the cum shot, we're coming to already, like, do women want to see this, like, really graphic thing, or do they want it to be, like, implied with music and stuff?

Yeah, I don't love to see the. I don't love the cum shot on the face. Like, to me it's like, too much. I don't know. I just. That doesn't turn me off.

That's some other part of the body. Maybe, like, stomach or stomach or.

Yeah, breasts, but, like, on the face. And. Not that I would be opposed to that. I don't know. I did that. That's not really necessarily what turns me.

It's a strange thing that's cropped up, you know, in the past, like, 10 years or maybe like 15 years. Like, talking about anthropological type, like, why is it. Why did that happen? And why is it, like, it's in every porn now? Every Scene, right?

What, the facial. Mm. Why is that? Because it's more about the. I mean, it's more like the power trip, right? It's about the power and degree.

My friend Brandon. Yeah, exactly. My friend Brandon Iron is like, you see a woman and he has issues.

Who doesn't?

He's awesome. He's like. And her face is so beautiful. And you're just like, I want to make you a little less beautiful.

That's a great explanation of it. I love it. Right? A little less beautiful with my calm all over your face. Exactly. This is awesome. Sam, thank you so much for coming on the show. This has been great. Sam's book, Sam Benjamin. It's American Gang Bang. Gang Bang. A Love Story. It's interesting title, love Story, because it doesn't really feel like a love story. It's your love hate story, really. But I like that, you know, play on it. But it is sort of a love hate story that you have in your own personal journey. But can I ask you that question again that I prematurely ejaculated on you earlier when you say that it presented me with a vision of myself that I didn't like much or respect. So just at the end, like, you're. You didn't really love who you were when you were in it, but now looking back on it, it was like a good, like, you went through it.

Glad I did it. I'm glad I got out when I did. You know, when the challenge started to.

Be over and, you know, and you produced art. Yeah. Here comes the art out of trying to make art. This is art. This book is art. And it's a great read. It's a great lowercase read, right? No, don't beat yourself up for it. It's art. It's a book. What's next for you?

I'm ghostwriting a book. This. Hopefully this year. You know, it's a gig. And then I would like to write another book.

Yeah, I read an interview that you said that you'd like to get into something else, like another industry. Not porn again, obviously. You've been there, done that, but may get into something else.

I have an idea to write a book about the neo hippie movement and try to see what's been going on specifically in the last five to 10 years.

Okay. The neo hippie movement.

Explain well, what's going on at the rainbow gatherings in Costa Rica and what's happening at the pot farms in Mendo County.

What's going on at the Esalen Institute.

Yeah, I saw your video at the Esalen Institute. That's a great place. Love it. Okay, well thank you Sam Benjamin. Thanks everyone for listening to and you can find your book on Amazon and where else?

You said your bookstores.

Bookstore. Just Google it. American McGann. You can buy. Everyone knows how to work the interweb these days, right? Okay. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. You can find us on Facebook and Twitter Sex with Emily and on Instagram now. Thanks so much for listening to the show. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com there's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep.

Sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health. Magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which.

Absolutely supports a healthier sex life.

Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed for so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50 off and here's a bonus. Use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia.

For sponsoring this episode.