SWE: Breaking Bad (Relationships)

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

The girl's got a. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com you might even be there now watching the live show. We do a live show.

Masturbating to the live stream.

Maybe you're masturbating to the live stream. I don't care what you do as long as you watch and listen to the show. Sex with Emily. You can follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily. And you can follow menace everywhere on the planet. Ymenis, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter.

Instagram's my favorite. But I've been without Instagram for like a week now and I'm wondering what.

Your postings were On Instagram. I'm on Instagram too. I was like, menace hasn't posted. Like, I don't want to post if Menace isn't posting.

I know. I customized my iPhone. I couldn't figure out how to put it back together, so I had to mail it to Las Vegas.

Annoying. And then you're without. It's a lame ass phone.

I'm using a Windows Phone, which I have no idea how to use, and it doesn't have all the apps that I use.

Yeah, that's upsetting. When are you going to get it back? Because I just can't.

And it's bright pink.

It is bright pink. On that note. No, but I should have issues. Okay, good. I miss you Instagramming. So today's show, we're going to be talking about how to recognize and change your relationship patterns. You know, we all have types of. A lot of people fall into the same patterns over and over again. And you break up with someone, you're like, I'm never going to date a guy like this or a woman like this. And then you do it again. So we have some really solid tips today on how to avoid that, the relationship pitfalls, and how to make change for the future to find who you want.

My favorite is the ones that date career criminal guys and they're like, oh, I have so much drama in my life. Well, of course you know who you were dating.

Who do you know who dates men in prison?

There's a lot of people out there that do that.

That's true. Yeah. Well, that's. We do discuss some of the common relationship patterns and then how to fix them. I don't know many people who date men who are criminals, but madness and I often differ. And that's why we have a great show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We don't hang out in the same circle of friends.

We don't always, but we love each other. How are you doing today?

I'm good. I'm good.

It's nice out here in San Francisco. It's very nice. It's going to be 70 degrees today in sunny California.

I know, it's amazing. I was enjoying the walk here twice because I forgot my keys at work and I block zone in and it's living in a major city. You gotta get used to tandem parking. And today I was like out of my head and I forgot, so. But I was enjoying the weather. The weather is really nice.

That's what. I was enjoying it too. It makes you happy? I really do. Like, I believe in seasonal affective disorder. Have you heard of that SAD seasonal affective disorder that if you live in a place that's dark and gloomy and rainy and whatever, it's gonna bring you down.

Is it true, like they said, the suicides are like, up in certain parts of the world? Yeah. Washington.

Yeah. When it's just depressing and raining. And then we go through phases in San Francisco, where it rains every single day and it's like, for a month and you're like, really? I'm like, wet and soggy and unhappy. So that's not a good time. Okay. A lot of people have been emailing about our Valentine's Day contest. We are going to contact the winners today. We're not going to announce the winners on the show, but we're going to contact you so. Because we've got to get rid of all the stuff in our office because we've got so many good items to give away. And I just want to say that if you are interested in buying anything, sex toy, porn, learning more about sex. I love the Good vibes website. It's goodvibes.com and you use gvmily15 for 15% off anything in the store. And we're lucky because we have the actual stores here in San Francisco. The Good Vibes store. Yeah.

All over this place.

I know.

Like everywhere you look.

If you come to San Francisco, you.

Have to go, there's the Good Vibes.

And there's one in Boston and a few in Oakland. So Oakland and Berkeley.

Bostonia.

Bostonia. Yeah. So it's funny, I was feeling really good because one of my interns told me today and that she shall remain nameless. That she. She was having sex with her partner and that her boyfriend. And she was saying that in the middle of it, she was like, you know what? We should pull down my boss's book. Because I wrote a book. Hot, over 200 things you can try tonight. And they actually were in the middle of having sex and opened up the book and whipped it out and did one of the positions in the book.

Wow.

Yeah. And I actually been using the book a little bit.

Where did they get the book?

I gave them the book.

Oh, that's nice.

You don't have a copy?

Let me tell you how many copies I have.

You could have gotten one at the party.

Zero.

I'll give you a copy. I didn't know you wanted.

No, no, but I should buy a copy.

I'll sign a free. Honey, I'll give you a free.

No, no.

Jesus. The least I can do is give you A copy of the book, but they're selling well. You can buy me on Amazon and some bookstores.

I refuse for you to give me a book. Like, because it comes down to, you know, I'm around a lot of bands and I support bands. And I hate when people say, oh, yeah, I really support this band, blah, blah. And then they expect to get a free copy of the cd. I'm like, that's somebody's hard work.

That's true.

Put into, like, I. I'm not gonna take a free copy.

I'll take your 20 bucks and I'll.

Give you a copy.

Okay. I feel really bad taking your 20 bucks, though. I'm gonna take your 20 bucks and buy you a drink. No, it's actually only 14 something on Amazon. This.

This guy who I adore, like, this guy was like my mentor who worked in television. And before that he was a bartender. And he said that people would ask him, say, hey, you know, I'm having a wedding, blah, blah, can you be a bartender at the wedding? But that's what he did as a profession, right? And he said, you know what? I'll help you move things. I'll set up chairs and tables and stuff like that. But, you know, that's what I do for a living, right? I get paid to do that.

Yeah, you should pay. Unless he wanted that to be his wedding gift to the people. Like, I'll be your bartender, the wedding. But don't. You can buy a gift. I would do that if I had no money, which I usually often don't. For wedding gifts.

Yeah. Like, you know that Pauly D. Did that for. For Kim Kardashian. Like, he usually charges Pauly D from the Jersey Shore. If you don't know who that is. He's also a DJ. He charges 40,000 dol. Dollars.

Wow.

And as a wedding gift for Kim Kardashian's 70 day wedding, he gave up the 40 grand.

And, well, it was good publicity for him too. Believe me.

He doesn't need the publicity. He has, like, a residency in Las Vegas. He makes a bazillion dollars.

How much were all these Jersey Shore kids making before the show?

Oh, probably they were, like, working at pizza parlors, right?

Yeah.

Nothing. Nothing. They weren't getting.

Jesus Christ. Reality tv. Just.

I know. I always. I. I'm afraid to look up because the newest member is Dina, who might not be the most popular member. I guarantee you she's worth a crazy amount of money. It'll make me sad to find.

It will make you sad. I Don't even want to know how much these people make. That kills me. Just for being assholes on television.

I'm not getting that. I don't know if they're assholes.

Well, they're just exposing their entire life. I guess you should get paid for that, exposing your whole life. Okay, you're right. They're not assholes. I need to watch Jersey Shore at least once. It's on my list of things to do. Aren't you glad I can engage in television conversation?

I know.

I watched the Real Housewives of Orange county last night.

I don't watch. How was it?

They're all blonde and you can't tell them apart except for there's a new brunette. And it was funny. I was actually very happy because Jimmy Jane, as you know, is one of our sponsors, but we love Jimmy Jane. And they actually had a Jimmy Jane vibrator on there.

Oh, nice.

Form three. And it was really cool. Yeah. Anyways, I was happy for them because they went to a sex toy shop and the first toy they picked out was a Jimmy Jane form three. And the woman was like, oh, this is the Jimmy Jane. So I thought that was great, Felicity. For them, I was happy.

Yeah, I only watch Atlanta and Beverly Hills. That's it.

Okay.

I don't watch anyone else.

I don't love Atlanta. They're in Africa. Get out of Africa. It's like, I don't like it. I don't like when they travel. It's like, remember when the Brady Bunch. You've watched the Brady Bunch and they used to travel. Yeah.

When they were like, Hawaii and stuff like that.

I'm like, get back to your house and California.

Forbidden, whatever.

Yeah, the forbidden tiki thing. And got an accident. Yeah. I just hated that, though. I don't know why it bugs me when they leave. Just go back to Atlanta.

But they were giving back to, like, poor communities and stuff like that. You don't like that. You want them.

Go, oh, my God. Can we talk about the Real House? Housewives of Atlanta? That one woman brought 29 pairs of shoes to Africa. Did you see that?

That was ridiculous.

29 pair. They were all dressed up. And the first question they got to an animal game reserve was, do you do hair and makeup here?

Yeah, but that was just like. That was like one of them.

Oh, man. They're crazy ass bitches.

That's not the entire cast.

They're crazy. But we love Candy.

Met Candy.

Candy. Candy was on our show. She has bedroom candy. She gave me a vibrator, which I Like the lipstick. It looks like a lipstick, but it's a vibrator. I thought that was cool. Okay, so we've got a little bit of sex in the news for you today. Okay, this is really funny because this is relevant to yesterday's show topic. We talked about grooming and what men and women prefer down there.

American Apparel goes full bush in a new ad. The floundering hipster brand most notorious for its sexually provocative advertising is back to its old tricks. This time they have an ad featuring a model showcasing a pair of see through panties and a prominent patch of pubic hair. This is fairly unusual compared to the nearly pubescent ladies of the AA brand. Usually they're very young looking women. So some women's gotta see through panties with a full bush. I wonder if it's real or if it's just like a merkin. Do you know what a merkin is? It's a fake bush.

Yes, it's totally fake.

I mean, it must be fake, right?

No one's rocking a real one.

No one's rocking a real bush. But I guess American Apparel. I like American Apparel. Do you ever go in there?

No, I'm too big for American Apparel. I can't fit in any of those really large. Yeah, they don't know. They don't make clothes for larger people. And they don't even hire larger people either.

Hate them. I'm never going there again. Forget American Apparel. Unless they want to advertise on the show, in which case, I love you. Okay, Rapper Fabulous. Do you know who that is?

Yes.

Drops 45,000 on 120 bottles of champagne inside of an Atlanta nightclub.

And he didn't even. He didn't even buy. I saw the photo of it. He didn't even buy the good champagne. I mean, Moet is good. It's all right. But you would think you would buy my favorite Spade champagne, which is my favorite, which I never even had before.

$45,000 on 120 bottles of champagne. It was first friend. I wish I was his friend. I would just say, dude, I'll take the money, not the alcohol. And yeah, he bought Moet.

And I don't think that he has that kind of money to be dropping like that.

Yeah, I mean, dude, his.

Should be sending supplies to the kids in Africa.

Yeah, well, no, he has a baby's mama too, and she's on the that one reality show, Hip Hop Wives.

Oh, I've never seen that one, which I love.

She's on there. She's cute. I like her a Lot. Yeah, but he's not. He's not with her.

Because I'd be pissed if my rapper baby daddy came home and said, I just dropped 45k and I saw that receipt in his pants or something. Oh, yeah, I'd be pissed.

Hopefully. He's. He's probably taking care of his kids. Yeah, I think he has a couple kids with this girl.

But what is the point? I can't even go off on it.

Why?

This seems like a waste to spend that much money on alcohol.

That's nothing. There's.

Although you probably do that because you love alcohol.

If I had enough money, maybe. But there's this guy who. He's this high roller in Las Vegas, right? And his name is Don Johnson. And he's such a high roller everywhere. He goes to every club, the DJ will stop the music and will say, the real motherfucking Don Johnson is in the house.

Okay.

Have you ever heard Deadmau5? Deadmau5 is this giant DJ. He paid Deadmau $5,000 to play Bon Jovi at this club.

Wow.

He's just that. But anyway, so if you google this guy, the real mother effing Don Johnson, right? He has this bottle. There's a picture of him holding a bottle. That's spade champagne that I'm always talking about, but it's the oversized bot bottle. And it was a hundred and twenty thousand dollars. And he's just like spraying it all over the place.

This makes me nauseous.

But do you ladies find that hot that are not gold diggers?

No. I'd be like, I could buy some shoes here with this stuff. I could buy some bags and shoes. That just kills me. But people have so much money that they. It doesn't mean anything to them.

Yeah. Like, do you think any girls out there that are non gold diggers, they like. I don't think that guy's a douchebag. I'm not saying Don Johnson's a douchebag, but the person that's, you know this throwing money all over the place. Because I really want to hang out with Don Johnson.

So I'm not going to talk trash him, but I just hope that he does a lot of good human service for humanity. Like he gives money back and has charity.

People that are usually like, they're that crazy with money do give out a lot of money.

I hope so. That's all I want to say is like, if you could do that with. You could do whatever you want with your money. If you want to spray champagne on strippers, Boobs or whatever you do. But just give some money back. We could use a lot of money here at home in America. Not even going off to Africa.

Yeah.

And at sex with emily.com and we need the money. Become a Friends with Benefits member. You get four shows a week. You get many perks. We answer your emails right away. And it's $4.95 a month. It's like 25 cents a day. It's nothing. And it really helps us.

I know there's something highlighted there that says 49.95. And I know that's very scary. You don't have to pay that.

It shouldn't default towards that. We gotta change that.

We've been trying to change that for a while. We understand. 495.

And you get a month free.

Yeah.

So please become a Friends Benefits member. Please. We love you. Okay. The porn industry might ditch LA over the new law requiring condom use. So do you know this whole debate that's been going on in the porn industry for years now, the porn industry says, you know what? We get everyone tested and we shouldn't use condoms because it doesn't look good for porn. It's not hot, it's not sexy. But, you know, opponents of that say, hey, that does not promote safe sex. And so they're saying, you know what? We're gonna leave LA because there's new health regulations that came into effect in Los Angeles would require porn actors to use condoms while shoot. And they claim that using condoms hurts film sales and they're considering relocating, which would impact the $4 billion and 10 to 20,000 jobs in LA.

They would just go to Nevada or Arizona. That's right next door.

Yeah. They wouldn't care. But what do you think about that when you frequently, infrequently watch porn and you see. Do you ever see condoms in it?

No, I don't.

Right. They usually don't do it. And they say that not using. Yeah. Condoms and porn reinforces the idea that the best sex is unprotected and discourages porn use. So I can see that. That's a really tough argument. I get. If you're the porn director, you're like, oh, let's stop here and put on a condom. But you can just stick that, you know, stop the. We don't have to show the shot of him opening up the pack of condoms.

Yeah. I think it's up to whatever, you know, it all goes back to. It all goes back to parenting. You know, I'm saying it does. If you're if. If you're a parent that keeps on blaming everybody else except for yourself on what your child does because they're having unprotected sex because they're watching porn, why is your.

Your kid watching porn?

Watching porn?

Yeah. Put the lockdown on the kids. Yeah.

Why aren't you having the conversation with them? I hate.

Because parents are so.

They never take the blame for anything.

They don't want to talk about sex. You know what? That's the parents who aren't even talking to each other about sexual. Yeah, exactly. Those are the parents who are probably not having any sex and are maybe, I don't know, religious. I told you, I had so many friends growing up. Religion really can have a huge impact on your sex life and who you are in the world. And if parents just feel like it's not right. Like I had a friend in college, freshman year, she was really wanted to get birth control. So she talked to her mom about it. Her mom was like, nope. Like, you know, like, I don't believe in you. She's Catholic. And so it's tough. It's a tough place to be. So. Okay, I've got some emails for us.

What do you got? I love hearing from the people.

I love hearing from the people too. Okay, everyone, thanks for emailing us. Feedbackexwithemily.com youm can also just directly email us on the website Ask Emily. There's an Ask Emily page. And just send us your questions because we like to answer them. And if you're a premium friends with benefits member, we answer your questions right away. I'm like your. I'm like your on call sex coach. Relationship coach. That's me. C' est moi. Okay, the first one's about the penis pump, which I've brought up several times that I have a bunch of them at my house, so. Hey, Emily, this is Tanner. Getting back to you about the penis pump. I'd be very interested in testing out for you guys to see if it works. The other question, whether would you rather get a hand job or a blowjob? If the wind was offering me just one, I'd have to go with a blow job. But I think the hand job is so good because you are not doing the work. You have another interesting. You have another person rubbing your dick from Tanner in Wisconsin. He's a premium friends with benefits member. Okay, I'm sending this guy a penis pump and menace won't use it. I asked him to use a penis pump. I want him to. Tanner, you're gonna have to docum your growth. You're gonna have to get a ruler.

Yeah. Send pictures to Emily. Feedbackexcellemily.

No, I don't need to see it. I just like to see the numbers on your ruler. Is that what you use, a tape measure? Do you. Have you ever measured your penis? Have all guys measured their penis?

I think at one time, yeah. I think I did it when I was a teenager.

I'm sure, like, if I was a dude, I'd measure my boo. I'd measure my boobs, I'd measure my penis.

But I haven't. I haven't.

Not lately. We could do that one day in the show. That'd be fun.

That'd be great.

Yeah. You can whip it out. Yeah. I'll send you a penis pump. A tanner. You have to get back to us. Okay. And how it grows or not grows. Okay. This is about fetishes. Emily, first of all, I'm new to your podcast and I'm enjoying it. I just listened to the F is for fetish episode, and I disagree with you with the definition you used. I say it that way because I don't know if it came from you or another source. Regardless, that episode defined a fetish as something needed to achieve climax. I have a bunch of fetishes, and I've been in touch with them for a long time in a completely unapologetic way. Most of my fetishes are related to spanking, bdsm, domination, submission areas. Regardless, while I do get extremely turned on by them, I'm dominate. I am capable of being aroused by things as simple as missionary position sex with girls that turn me on. I also recall you talking about a kinky girl in LA who's frustrated with dating sites. There is a fetish site called FetLife F E T Life, and I've met more quality women on FetLife than I have on Match.com and I've been on Fet for a much shorter time. Hope that I'm helping Jim in Laguna Beach, California.

Laguna.

So what we talked about, we did a show last Friday about fetishes, and he's right. And the common definition of a fetish is that the person needs that thing, like a foot or needs to be spanked or needs to be peed on to have sexual gratification. And he's saying that's not the way for him. And you're right. There's a lot of debate out there in the community, and if I came across saying that was the only way, I apologize. But it is very.

More common Than not, they say that it is like that person without that thing, they won't be able to have sexual satisfaction. And then FetLife, that is such a great suggestion. We did have a woman email in and say, and I'm gonna email her about FetLife. Cause I totally spaced on it. I have a friend who's actually is on FetLife all the time. And it's a kinky website. And it's kinky. It's for kinky people who wanna get into other stuff and who wanna get into kinky life. And it was a woman in LA who said that she was finding that she was really kinky. And a lot of the guys she was finding on the traditional dating sites weren't down with that. And she just wasn't finding the right guys that were sexually compatible. So FetLife is a really good alternative. Thank you so much, Jim in Laguna Beach. That's awesome suggestion.

I have a huge fetish for women that, you know, can support themselves and pay bills and cook dinner. That's the biggest fetish I have.

I know independent women.

I'm totally into women like that.

I know, me too. I'm into men like that too. I get it. That's funny. That's a good fetish menace. Okay, my girlfriend. This one was just one sentence email. Dear Emily, my girlfriend doesn't agree to have sex with me. What do I do? So I don't know. I mean, dude, this email is just whatever. She doesn't agree to sex you. I don't know. You got to give me more information here. I can't really answer this, but what do you do? You don't force it upon her. You talk to her about why she won't have sex with you. Maybe she's not that into you. Or, you know, talk to her. Talk, talk, talk. Communication is a lubrication. People do not talk. You know, turn around and say, why wouldn't you have sex? Is she afraid of it? Is she not turned on? Is she a virgin? I. I can't really. This email's just sitting here. I can't really help you with that.

You should throw uses is what I say.

What does that mean?

The peace sign.

Oh, the peace sign.

Yeah.

See you later.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I mean, if she's your girlfriend and she doesn't want sex with you ever, that's a problem. But if she's a virgin, we've talked, we had a lot of shows about virgins and about how you got to ease into it and maybe lots of foreplay. And talk about her fears. And don't just stick it in. Use lots of lube. Go slowly.

It was so funny. I. I watched Harold and Kumar, the most recent one, last night, because I was just in a laughing mood. And Neil Patrick Harris, what he was doing on there, it was so hilarious. He was saying that he was pretending to be gay to get chicks.

So he was like, what is Harold and Kumar?

Harold and Kumar. There's a. There's a film series.

Okay, I've heard of the film series. Right? Yeah.

Harold and Kumar. But anyways, Neil Patrick Harris, you know who that is?

Yes, I do.

Howser. He has been in all the movies.

Okay.

And you know that he came out as being gay?

Yes.

In this most recent one, he says that they show him, like, making out with guys and all this stuff. And then when the cameras are away, he's actually into chicks. He's just doing it to get chicks.

Oh, that's funny.

It's pretty funny.

That's funny.

That was something I just wanted to show.

Did you laugh?

I did laugh pretty hard. Because.

He plays, like, the best straight role for a gay guy.

Right.

He's on How I Met yout Mother, where he plays, like, a total man whore.

Yeah.

He is just so good at that.

That's great. Yeah. Cause he's gay. That's a good. Do you like that show? It's popular. Yeah.

I haven't really watched it that much.

I went on a date once with one of the guys on the show, but I won't say who.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Okay. Intimacy at 51. I'm a new listener.

Neil Patrick Harris is who you wanna deal with, right?

Nope, he's gay.

I'm just kidding.

Okay, I'll tell you after. I'm a new. It wasn't a date. It was actually more friends that we should meet. Cause we'd like each other. And it was more of a working thing, not a date. So I'm wrong. Intimacy at 51. I'm a new listener and I love your show. I'm 51 and have only had two sexual partners in my life. Both women and both relatively casual. I haven't dated in many years, but more. But I haven't dated in many years more. But have recently been joining groups and getting out more. However, I fear that my past patterns of avoiding intimacy may thwart my attempts at healthy and lasting intimate relationships. I think how to reinvent your intimate life would make a good topic a good show topic. Thanks for the show. You are absolutely, positively adorable. It's Deborah from Kansas. She's a premium Friends with Benefits member.

Yeah, I was about to say, I go, that's weird that it said only with women. I thought it was a guy.

Yeah, me too. Both women. And yeah, she's lesbian. Right. That's cool. Deborah, let me tell you this. That's what our show topic is today. So that was a great suggestion. And it's funny because I actually came up with this topic a few weeks ago, talking to one of the interns about it, about that. We all go. We all have. I think what she's talking about is that she has a lot of patterns in the past of avoiding intimacy. And so right now, let's just get into the show topic. Going to answer your question, Deborah, with an entire show topic. So thanks for emailing us. All right. Okay. So what we're talking about today is relationship patterns that we fall into, why we fall into them, and how to break them. So do you have any common patterns with women? I mean, not everyone has them, but a lot of people do. Or in your past?

No, but you say I do. But I. I don't believe I do. You're like, oh, you only go after women that are into you, and you wait for them to come to you. And I don't believe that's true.

I learned that from you.

No, I believe that I do go. I do go after them, but I'm not, like, pouncing on them. Like, not. I think there's contact with me and them. I show some kind of interest, but they have to show interest back before I actually go for it.

Right.

Like some girls, you know how guys, they can't read it. They can't read if a girl likes them or not, but they'll just keep on going for it.

Exactly.

If I can't read if they like me or not, then I. I'm not gonna go for it.

But here's why that's a problem, because we've talked about this in the show, that a study came out a few years ago that said that men actually can't read the signs from women, that they actually have, like, their brain functioning, maybe their cognitive functioning, they are off. They can't actually pick up signs from women. Like, it was a scientific study and it said that, like, men are getting. Women are lobbing cues at them, like, I like you, I like you, I want to sleep with you. And men just don't pick up those signs. They're not as adept at it as women are picking up signs from men.

Unless it's Like a.

Unless they hit you over the head with their vagina.

That's usually the girls that I probably go after.

Yeah. So I think that you just said to me something earlier in the show that you would like a strong, independent woman who pays the bills. That's not the kind of woman maybe who's gonna throw herself at you. I don't know why. Or maybe not. You get. The more I feel like that typically in the past that you've been with women who are a little more needy and who need you more than you need them, and they don't respect your career. You're a guy who. Your career is your number one thing. You like to work. You don't want anyone saying you're working again on a Sunday. And so you need someone who's got her own life and who doesn't give up all of her stuff just to be with you. She doesn't, like, stop seeing her friends and whatever, and she becomes enmeshed. That's one of the patterns that we're going to talk about. So I think that's. That might be your pattern that you. That you're with women. But I'll talk about mine. All right, My pattern. I felt, God, I've done it all. But I dated a series of Irish Catholic alcoholics. Okay, that was a very specific pattern. But, yeah, in my 20s, I used to do that.

Irish alcoholic.

Not a Catholic.

Right, okay, exactly. Maybe they were just Irish alcoholics. I don't know. But that was a pattern that I did. No, but I also had patterns of. Well, let's read some of the common patterns here. And I can relate to them. So basically, every time we break up with someone, we often say to ourselves, I'm not gonna do that again. I'm never gonna date this kind of person again. But sometimes the next breakup comes around in the next relationship, and we're like, damn, I did it again. Like, you hit yourself over the head and you keep doing it over and over again. So you get caught in these patterns, and it can be super, super depressing because you blame yourself and it makes you harder to rebound, and then it makes you harder to find new people. So here's a few relationship patterns that we fall into. Okay? These are common. I can relate to all of them, and I've probably done all of them at one point in my life. Mistaking love for physical attraction, neediness, and the need to be rescued or rescue. Need to rescue or be rescued. So this. This is examine. This is examine how you desperation. How your desperation Affects your possess your perception. So what you should do is look how your desperation affects your perception. So you might be so desperate for physical attraction and it might be so needy that you are not looking at the relationship as a whole. You're just needy and you want to be with someone. So that's what you should examine. The next one is choosing emotionally and physically unavailable people in relationships. I've done that. I've dated people who are not emotionally available. And what they say you should do is examine your fear of intimacy. So oftentimes we date someone who's a mirror. So I did date a string of guys who were emotionally unavailable, but really I think I was emotionally unavailable as well. So I'm saying why doesn't he change? Why doesn't he change? We tend to project onto people, but when really it was myself. So if you're choosing someone who's emotionally unavailable, look at your own fear of intimacy. I think I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of opening up. And I might have dated people who are not available. Another thing is that we pick people who treat us poorly by being punishing, critical, controlling or demanding. And in this case you should examine your low self esteem. So a lot of women who are in abusive relationships and men have a low self esteem. So women who are, you know, just, they're just not feeling good about this so they feel like they deserve it and it becomes this vicious cycle. And obviously we can't delve into all these today and I'm lobbying some pretty heavy things here. But it's true that if you don't feel that you're deserving wherever that comes from and self esteem is so huge in why a lot of people don't have good sex and why they have bad relationships because they don't feel like they deserve someone good. So another one is losing interest in our own personal interests and activities and becoming enmeshed with the one with the one person with one person and we lose our own interest. So people who lose two friends like this, like they get a girlfriend or a boyfriend and you never see them.

Again, they take off.

So they have to examine their own boundaries. That person has to say, what are my boundaries? What, what, what will I put up with and won't want to put up with in a relationship because I, I.

Like hanging out with people, you know, Right. I hate dating somebody that doesn't have friends that they hang out with on a daily basis.

A woman without friends is a huge sign. Or a man without friends, you gotta, I mean that's a really big one. If you start dating someone and they have no friends, like zero or like one friend you kind of hear about, but you never meet, like some phantom friend. That's a huge red flag for me. If a guy's like, I don't really make friends. I mean, you gotta look at who they. And then they're gonna lob onto all your friends. So that's someone who, yeah. Has to examine their boundaries. So another unhealthy habit in relationship is staying in and returning to unhealthy relationships. So you keep going back to the same person over and over again who isn't right for you. And that means that you should examine your fear of loneliness, that you might not want to be alone. So you keep. And you keep thinking that you're not gonna find anyone better and you're just lonely and you just keep going back because you remember the good, not the bad. And you get back together with them again and you realize it.

Well, that. That's a perfect example.

They.

I don't know. I pretty much think it's true now that Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together, are dating because they both worked on each other's songs. Like, that's.

That's what I know. Exactly.

Crazy.

I know.

So she's probably just, you know, thinking about the good times and not the bad times.

Exactly. And we tend to put our past relationships on a pedestal. You break up with someone and then. And then you're like, for all these reasons, you have a horrible breakup. And then like a few months later you're like, oh, but he was so great in bed. Or he was really funny, or he always took me to nice, you know, nice restaurants. And then you forget all this bad stuff. So pay attention.

It's so funny. I was watching Cheaters before I came over here and there was this one. They're interviewing the girl and this girl was like, drop dead gorgeous, like super hot, right? And she expected her boyfriend of cheating on her. I'm like, who would cheat on this babe? I was like, who would cheat on this chick? And I saw. I saw a picture of this guy. He looked like a total loser, right?

Self esteem.

And he.

Was kept on saying, oh, I gotta leave. I'm supporting somebody that's innate aaa. And then so they followed him going to like aa and he was hooking up with this busted chick. Like, this chick was nasty. He was cheating on his girl with. And he was like going out and getting drunk with this girl and like hooking up and stuff like that.

Yeah. And you think, why is this hot.

Chick, like even dealing with any of this?

Because. Low self esteem. Yeah. She doesn't think she deserves anything better than that. And that can come from your. A lot of times low self esteem comes from, from our childhood and the way we were raised and we were. Self esteem is not something that we're born with. Like, you gotta work on it. You gotta. You know, I've. I've had low self esteem in my life and worked on it, and I still get insecure about things, but you have to recognize where it comes from and that you were all worthy of having a healthy relationship.

I definitely don't. I'm not into the girl that, you know, thinks that, oh, she's drop dead gorgeous.

Right?

No, not. That's not self esteem. That's stuck up. Like someone that has a balance.

Right.

If a girl, if a girl says, hey, look at me, I'm hot kind of stuff.

Right.

Immediately, I don't want to deal with that.

Right. No, I understand. I understand that. Okay, so then we've got a few types of typical types of men. There's the man child. He's stuck in the Peter Pan syndrome, never wants to grow up. I think there's a lot of those guys in San Francisco. They often talk about that here, that it's like men know and women too. And maybe I fall into that category. You do? I do. Okay, fine. This guy or woman is clinging to his glory days when he was less, life was less complicated and responsibility was minimal. I think in San Francisco, it's just, it's not about marriage and commitment, at least for my group of friends or a lot of them. Like, it's just more about having fun, living your dreams, living life. Just living life, man. Let's play Guitar Hero. Then there's the player. They're the bad boy.

Yeah.

This guy's constantly looking at every female but the one he's with. He ogles at the barista, the woman at the bus stop, and his buddy's wife. He's constantly competing for your attention. And that gets old really fast. So these are typical guys. There's the cheapskate. We know what that means. There's the mama's boy. When a man is delighted on being weighted by his hand and foot by his mother. That's. I've dated those kind of guys. There's selfish guys, there's possessive guys, there's the victim.

Selfish guys. He will never put you first and you always are trying to change him to think he'll put you first. Possessive Guys like, where have you been? You can't wear that in public. Why are you doing this or that or the victim. He's always complaining about why he couldn't get ahead. It was his boss's fault. It was his mom's fault. It was his friend's fault. I hate the victim. The victim mentality is a vicious one. Don't you know a lot of women or men like that who are like, bad day at work. Hate my boss, hate my life. Like, okay, so for women, there's like the romanticist. She lives in a life of like, Lifetime movies and thinks everything's gonna be perfect. There's an insecure woman. She starts out because she seems nice and she's accommodating and treats men well. But then she might start calling you 10 times a day and being a little obsessive. There's the tease. She flirts with everyone. So I guess this is the female equivalent of a player. Okay, so this is some solutions, how to break these patterns. So we've identified some of the patterns. And the thing is, is you have to. Your practical mind might be telling you, I want to stop this pattern. I'm going to start dating different types of people. And it's really hard just to say that without doing the work around it. And this really works because if you try to talk yourself into liking the nice people, you're not going to. You can't just say, I'm going to change. You have to do some work around it. So the problem is that the thing you have to look at is that relationships are a mirror. Do you know what that means? Like, it's a mirror that if you have emotional baggage or issues or hurts and you make negative assumptions about you and your life, you'll be attracted to people who have the same level of insecurity. So a lot of times we blame our partner for things that we actually for having possessing traits that we actually have in ourself. So, for example, a guy who is kind of a player. I might have dated players. I've been known to be a player. So the guy that I date who's always ogling other women, I'm like, I kind of want to sleep with every guy I date too. So we recognize those traits in the person. So just everyone in life can be a mere choice. Usually the person that you can't stand in your office. Let's just take this away from relationships. This hap. Many people are mirrors in our life. If there's someone in your office that you can't stand you're like, he's always. He's cheap or he's late or he doesn't pull his weight. You might find that you have some of that in you. So it can be a mirror. But if you're willing to work on this stuff and get rid of your insecurities and your baggage, then you will be home free. Okay, so let's talk about some things, about changing your patterns. Okay, so first, identify your pattern. Do any of these make sense to you?

They all make sense, but I don't think I have any of those patterns.

Right. Write it all down. I always agree, you gotta write it down, even if it's ugly. Like, the ugly truth. Like, write down what your patterns are and give it a name that describes it, and then say goodbye to it. Write it down. So, like, I'm dating guys who are, you know, cheap, and they're mean to me and they're rude and they don't give me enough affection or whatever it is. Just write all your ugly, ugly stuff that you've been attracted to, and then you say goodbye to it and you say, you know what? I'm done. You can have a ceremony. I have a friend who once jumped off a plane. Literally, she jumped off a plane with a list of everything that she wanted to get rid of in her life. Like, all the negative stuff that was holding her back. So you could burn the piece of paper. I know you're looking at me like it's very Northern California. And then you identify new, new patterns. And then you really have to spend the time like, what the hell do I want? Because if you're stuck in a pattern and you don't know what you want, you're not going to get it. You know? Like, oftentimes you're like, I wish this would change. I wish that would change. You're just complaining. Do you know what you want? Have you spent the time, you know, like, so dream big. Like, expand your thinking. Let your imagination go wild. Write down everything you want in your work, in relationships and family and all that stuff. Like, everything that you think that you want in a new person. And then you gotta focus on it. Create a book. Write down your dreams. Fill the pages with pictures representing what you want. Devote five minutes every day to looking at your book and seeing what you want. If that's coming true, if that's coming true for you. I know this sounds hokey, but I'm telling you, a lot of relationship coaches talk about if you're not finding the love you want, it's because you don't know what you want and you keep getting stuck in these things. So write it down. Spend time, spend a half hour on Saturday and do it every day. Do one inspired action that moves you towards this goal. So do something towards what you want. If you want to meet like a, you know, a nice guy, like say, you know that guy that asked me out? I might. He doesn't seem like my type, but like, banish that and give him a chance or her chance.

You would have so much fun if you just gave me a chance. Ladies out there, I'm just letting you.

Know right now because it's true. If you narrow your dating pool to the people that you're only physically attracted to, like physical attraction, sometimes like, we're like, oh, but I'm not attracted to that person. You're going to totally narrow your pool. You're going to think, I can't be attracted to the people. But you can't. You actually can be because. Yeah, so that's what people think. They think that, like, I have to have a physical attraction. But you can learn to be attracted to other people. You are just stuck in this pattern.

Yeah.

And then pay attention, Pay attention to all the people in your life. And you're like, that guy asked me out or that woman asked me out or I met this person. I wouldn't normally think they're my type, but I'm gonna give them a chance and then look at your list. Does this person meet all the bottom line issues and the things that I want in a person? And then surround yourself with people. Keep you. Let your friends know, let them in on it and be like, you know what? I'm looking for this kind of person or that kind of person. I'm looking for a woman who has all these trauma. Do you know anyone? And you start talking to people.

What's the list of traits you're looking for personally?

Yeah, thanks for asking. I'm looking for someone who is.

Emotionally available. He knows his issues. He's done his work on himself. He knows who he am. Like, and when I say done his work, I mean like, he's had therapy or he's. Maybe he's just mature.

You're looking for a guy that just had therapy.

Yeah, he's had therapy.

He has to have therapy.

He's had the dones. I don't care if he went and climbed up upon a rock in India and sat there for a month or.

Did something that he.

Or he just knows who he is. Maybe he didn't need therapy, but he's fully aware of his strengths, his weaknesses. And he's like, here's who I am. And he's honest and he's super honest and truthful about who he is. I think I'd also like someone who is, who's passionate about something. Like, he's not the victim. He doesn't hate everyone. He definitely doesn't hate his mother or his job or his whatever. I mean, he just, he loves what he does. And if he doesn't like his work that he loves, you know.

Windsurfing or something, cars, I don't care. He's got passion. I would like to be with someone who is funny. Every girl says that. But something makes me laugh. He's light. He's just not a depressed person. He's light and he's funny and he makes me laugh and he's smart. I want to be with someone who challenges me emotionally and psychologically. Like I, you know, I. Who just isn't on the like, who brings something different to the table. And I would prefer.

Like, how's that he's successful so far in his life. Like, I don't mean even financially, although that would be really nice. But like he's experienced some success and he's not still struggling to figure out who he is.

Where is that guy? Everybody? Feedback.

Email me feedbackexdelmly.com what do you. So you said that you're looking for a woman who is.

Yeah, just independent. Somebody that I don't have to support. Somebody that does have a lot of friends.

You know, that likes to go and.

That it's easily entertained. I hate when I feel like I have to entertain somebody all the time.

Right.

I hate when I, if I go to a party and I start talking to somebody for a long time and she's like, oh, you're not paying any attention to me. And she's getting upset because I'm talking with people. I hate because I'm like, look, I see you every day. I don't see these people every day. Like, so you can't get upset when I'm having a lengthy conversation with them.

That goes back to independent. Like an independent woman who's comfortable with herself and has high self esteem would like you'd walk into a party and you wouldn't see her for an hour because she's chatting up your friends or whatever. That's the kind of girl you want to be with. I agree. A guy who's. I need independence. Like, yeah, someone who's comfortable and walk into a room and doesn't need to hold on to your hand the whole time and isn't like where'd you go? You ditched me when we got to the party. I hate that.

Hate it.

Totally agree. So hopefully this was helpful everyone. We're going to post some of this on the website because I think it's a useful information because we all get second patterns. SexWithemily.com follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, everywhere in the universe. At Sex with Emily you can find MenaceWhitemenace Yup. And yeah, that's what we got for you today. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com there's one overlooked mineral.

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