SWE: Dating Deal Breakers

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cuz my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's got a her standards. Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com where you can listen to all of our podcasts. And also, the first thing you have to do right now is sign up for our mailing list because you will see a video on the homepage and a box telling you that if you give us your email address, we will not spam you, but we will send you the five biggest mistakes that men are making in bed. Or if you're a woman, the five biggest stakes women are making in bed. After 10 years of doing the show, I want to give you a free report that I wrote out. So just check out My website. Okay, do that and listen to all of our podcasts. We've got plenty more podcasts coming. And I also want to say that I'm here with Menace and I couldn't be happier. Hi, Menace. I'm great. How are you?

I. I'm in Michigan in my mother's very large walk in closet. And it's something. It's something that I envy, but I figured it would have good sound, you know. You know me always thinking like a radio person. No, I think the clothes. Well, you said. But it is a beautiful closet and it is my dream, you know, Remember Sex and the City when the movie. Did you see the movie with Carrie? And then big buys are that. Okay. Okay, so this is one movie I've seen that you haven't. And it's actually probably the only movie I've seen in the last few years. But.

That'S the big thing. She always wants a closet because she's shoe obsessed. They buy a house together and it's the most gorgeous closet you've ever seen in your life. Anyway, that is a wet dream to me, to have a walk in closet. That's massive. So that's why I'm recording. So it's sort of sentimental. I'm home with the family, fourth, you know, fourth of July, hanging out. And it's been really good few weeks. Yeah. How have you been?

I've been good. I was in Vegas about two weeks ago, and then I was in Disneyland, Los Angeles area this weekend. And now we have 4th of July coming up. I don't think I'm going to go anywhere. I've been traveling too much. I just really want to stay home and probably drink all the champagne that I have because I'm a member now. Did I tell you what happened? So I went to a music.

Did you get arrested again?

No, I went to a music festival not too long ago. That was in Napa. It was the Bottle Rock Music Festival. And I had some time to kill. So me and my friends, we went to the Shandong winery. The people that put out, you know, Moet and stuff like that. Well, they have a winery in California. And you know when you start to drink and you think everything's a great idea? Well, I signed up to be a member. Now I get bottles sent to me every couple months in the mail. So I have like three bottles of champagne.

You don't even like wine. Did you tell them that you only like two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's?

No, it's, it's, it's. Well, it's sparkling wine. It's not, you know, they can't call it champagne, but it tastes just like champagne.

It's spark. I'm telling you, it's not bad. Champagne, sparkling wine, Prosecco, all that stuff. It's good.

So I end up menace.

You're mature, you're maturing, right before my eyes.

So I'll just have that and probably watch fireworks on tv. I don't want to go outside. It's just too crazy here. You know, they pass a law that same sex couples can get married. San Francisco has been a nonstop party ever since. It's just. It's just party in the streets for everybody.

I so wish I was there for Gay Pride this weekend. Oh, my God.

And the crazy thing is, it's. When I look at my Instagram, it's more straight people partying than there is gay people. It's insane.

I know. Well, because it's a big. Because everyone's got gay friends and we're all really excited and, hey, San Franciscans love a reason to party.

Yeah. San Francisco just loves partying.

We love partying and we love dressing up. That's just kind of our thing.

And then I was gonna tell you. Oh, yes. I'm not there, so it's very exciting. So to all my gay and lesbian listeners, so happy for you all, especially in California. And so goes California, so goes the nation, as they often say. You might not all know this, but my background is actually in politics. I was a respectable human being before I started talking about sexual. Just kidding. I am respectful. I'm a doctor now, as you know. I have my doctor in human sexuality. Also, everyone, you need to follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, which is at Sex with Emily and Menace is at Menace. And basically speaking of wine, I believe your last 10 Instagrams were artfully placed bottles of liquor. Is that correct?

Yes. I think my last one was a bottle of Dom Perignon and a dottle and a bottle of Moet.

Right.

And then before.

I can never lay it down.

Before that, I found a new drink at Disneyland. If anyone's ever at Disneyland in California, go to Disneyland, California, the COVID Bar, and order a fun wheel. It's a secret drink and it's layers of alcohol. It's amazing.

Yeah. Minus loves anything with layers of alcohol, it can never be too much alcohol. You're never like, whoa, buddy, stop pouring. Right? That's not you. That's never.

Let' keep it going.

I just can't drink that much. But I do want to come with you to the. To the Disneyland thing at some point, but whatever. You know, when we see each other again, it might happen. Madness. I've got a beef. Okay, so wait, here's my question before I pick a beef with you. Who did you go with. Who did you go with to Disneyland this weekend?

A couple of my friends from Pixar.

Okay, and what about your girlfriend?

Yeah, she came, too.

Okay. So, Madis, I've got a huge bone with. To pick with you, and it's been simmering.

All right?

And I'm so glad that we're talking, because I really feel like you've been hypocritical. Why? Because you and I have had an ongoing conversation forever since Facebook was invented. So I don't know how many years it's been now. Like, you know, six or something.

Yeah.

Or since we started talking about it. And we always talked about Facebook status, relationship status. And I always said, I don't care if I'm dating or not dating. I don't want everyone to know my Facebook status. And you would say to me, you're just a player, Emily. You're just a player. You want to leave your options open. If I'm in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. Menace, if you go to your Facebook page right now, what does your relationship status say?

It doesn't have one.

Oh, interesting. But you do understand you can select it from a dropdown menu and. Menace, question number two. How long have you been with your girlfriend?

There hasn't been a.

I don't think there's like, an anniversary date or anything like that, so I couldn't exactly tell you the actual time.

Okay, so I could tell you because I'm friends with you and I've been following from what you tell me, which is basically nothing, but I think it's been at least two years.

Really?

Yeah. So I'm just saying, menace, if you would like to defend yourself on the Facebook status thing, because I think you know all people.

You know what? And I know you're not coming up with this by yourself. It's either some listeners emailing you or your dumb assistants or interns or whatever bringing this up now. I'm telling you, I.

What'd you say? They're my assistants. Bringing it up.

Yeah. It's not you. You're not thinking about this.

How do you know?

I know for a fact because that's not you. You don't care about that stuff.

I do care, Menace. We talk about this all the time.

Okay? I.

My situation is a little bit more complicated because of uh huh.

More complicated. Okay.

Because it involves work and stuff like that. That's why. But if it, if it did not, it didn't involve that, I would totally put my status up.

Are you sleeping with your intern?

I think that I am not. But I totally think, I totally think that you should, you should totally put your status on there.

Oh, okay. So how many, after how many months of dating do you think someone should put their status on?

What? I mean, whenever they feel comfortable putting.

It on there, I think. Unless you're married and even then I don't care. Who the hell needs to know your relationship status?

You're just putting this on me because you're probably dating somebody and they're probably pressuring you to be in a relationship.

No, I'm not dating anybody.

I was dating and you're, you're projecting onto me. That's what's going on.

I was dating somebody, but I'm not anymore. Yeah.

So anyway, why that, why that happened? Because they want to get serious or no?

Yeah, I mean, kind of. It's funny how my life is Groundhog Day. I mean, literally, you know, But I think we all have issues in life patterns and relationships that we're trying to break. And honestly the best thing. And I haven't been seeing him that long, few months. But the best thing to do when you do break up with someone or when you do is, is to not just jump. Because a lot of guys and women start, you know, just like banging someone else right after they're done with that person just to, so they can numb the pain. I think it's good to stop and think about what did I learn from this person? Why was this a good relationship? Why was this bad? What do I want in my next partner? Cause we have all those answers, you know. Which brings me to a very important point. Today's show is about red flags and deal breakers. One of my all time favorite topics because it first of all comes up all the time about people are like, do you think, cause women and men, we talk about it, we're like, well, do you think this, you know, does this a bad sign? Is that a bad sign? And I'm here to tell you, and if you've been listening to Sex with Emily for years, you know that I always say my mom says the issues you have in the third date, you have forever. And I kind of believe, I do believe that's true. Maybe it's on the third date, maybe it's the first month. But we're going to try to show you Some sex deal breakers, some dating deal breakers, and just what you should look for, some signs. We're also going to be reading the emails that you sent to feedback at Sex with Emily. I love hearing from the people all the time.

And just to recall, just to recap, I would like to say that I believe if you're perfectly happy in a relationship, you should totally put it out there. Who cares, right?

But Menace is not perfectly happy is what he said.

There's not that I'm not happy in my relationship, but there's, you know, outside forces hinder me from putting all my, my relationship stuff out there. But I totally would if I could.

Okay, so you really want to. You're actually upset that your Facebook said, okay, let's just move on from this. Yes. But let us know what you think of Facebook statuses feedbackexdelmy.com because to me, the worst thing in the whole world is when. The day that you change it. You know what I mean? Everyone's like, whoa, they're not together anymore. And then you are telling every single person you ever met that you just broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Why do they need to know that when you do that, when that happens, you know, dudes are. People break up with them. They don't want even their roommates to know.

Do you know what? It's perfectly awesome because then it makes it so much easier for the transition because so many people hit you up. They want to go out. Some guys that have been like pawning after you forever, they're like been pussies the whole time. They never wanted. They never had the balls to talk to you. Now they're like, all right, I'm going to stop wasting my time. And they're just going to hit you up.

Oh, that's a good point.

Yeah.

Okay. There's a lot free advertising.

Yeah.

It's like online data. Yeah. It's like using Facebook to get laid. I get it. Okay. So I've actually met us been traveling a lot the last few weeks as well. I was in Chicago. I had a little bit of work there, but I also met up with. Which I know you love Chicago because I always think about how you love the women in Chicago.

Amazing.

But I met up with. I know I met up with three, my best girlfriends from college and we always meet once a year even though we all live in different places. San Francisco and Chicago and Michigan and I'm in la. So we met up and it was so interesting because they actually, they're all married. Shock. And they all have, like two kids. And it was fun to talk about it because they are actually having all. After 10 years of marriage, they're all having, like, good sex. Not their marriage isn't perfect. Marriage takes work. But they're having sex. One of them, for her husband's birthday, she's learning how to squirt.

Women can learn how to female ejaculate. I get that question a lot.

It's urine.

We've had that. To me, that's very thoughtful. That's the gift that keeps on giving. Okay. The other one said, oh, this same one who's learning to squirt says that she's done the whole, like, they go to the bar together and they pretend to pick up each other as someone else. I know that to everyone that sounds really silly, but it's kind of hot. Like, you're like, hey, what's your name? And I know, but because, Menace, you haven't been in a long term relationship, but it works. But the other friend of mine was upset because. And this is so interesting. Or this was only her gripe with her husband. They still have amazing sex. But she said to me, the problem is sometimes he comes home from work and she's been like, with the kids all day and cooking, and he just grabs her and he goes, I want to f you. And she's like. He's like, I just want to f you. And she's like, and the kids are hanging on her and she's making meatballs and she's like, and you need a new Vine. That's what she said to him. And then he starts grabbing her and she's so not warmed up. And she said she's told him time and again that she needs him to kiss her neck. Her massage, whatever, but guys don't remember. So again, big theme of sex with Emily is like, like foreplay and warming your partner up, especially if she's a woman.

We.

We don't go from zero to 60. We are not warmed up right away. And they've been together 10 years. And she was like, should I be? He was trying to be nice by saying, like, I want to f you. And. And she goes, get a new line. So here they are, not communicating. He's feeling rejected. It's not that she doesn't want sex. She just wants to be warmed up.

So interesting. So I thought that would be just.

What I. I'm telling you right now, you're going to hate me for this. But they, they spent an entire week on this on the Howard Stern show. You got to listen to Howard Stern is hilarious. It's on Sirius xm. I listen every single day. And they did a whole thing about squirting because one of the guys on the show, he absolutely loves it. Right? And they did an analysis. They brought in a doctor.

They.

They got a per. A girl that can squirt. And the outcome was that it is the same consistency as P. That it is P. It is.

It is not. It is not. It is not P. It is totally not. Who was this? It was a doctor. I'm a doctor too.

This is. I don't think you're the same kind of doctor that can go in a lab and then. Do I understand.

It is not the same consistent. I mean, there is controversy of it, but it's not the same consistent. Women can squirt.

I believe that it's P2.

Okay, well, of course you would menace because that's your knowledge. But it's not true. Another thing I think you'll appreciate, which we haven't talked about away in a while is my dog. My dog, my dog, my dog. She went away for the summer. No, she went away for the summer. She's with her baby daddy at camp in San Francisco. For the summer. Yeah. Too much going on, traveling a lot.

She's never coming back.

She's coming back. She's coming back in two months. But I thought you'd appreciate that. And also anyone who's going to AVN in Las Vegas this year. Have you ever been Madison January?

I have never been.

I'm going to be the keynote speaker.

What? No way.

Yeah. Dude, you got to come hang out with porn star. It's the Adult Video Awards or whatever. It's pretty cool.

Is too, I believe.

Exactly. It's always the same time as CES or whatever it is. So yeah, that's cool. And then I want to say, so I have to move again. I've been in two apartments now in Los Angeles, but I have to find a one year. Yes. You haven't seen my second place yet. But I have to move again in two weeks. And you know that all my sex toys that I get every single day in the mail. Like literally I've been getting shipments. I had to get a 5 foot by 5 storage unit filled with sex. Like that's just filled with sex toys in la because I couldn't fit in my house anymore. So I just shot a video. It's on YouTube. Go to my YouTube channel, YouTube.comsex with Emily. We're start putting up a lot more videos, but it's frigging hilarious. All the stuff I get sent to me and all the random stuff I get sent to me but some really cool stuff. I show you my favorite favorite toys from Good Vibes. That's where you should buy your products. Goodvibes.com use coupon code GV Emily for 20 off orders of 100 or more. And I'm obsessed with the Lilo line right now. I love the JJU J E J O U J E J O U E. Remember the Mimi I loved? Well, now they've got a rabbit. It rocks my world. But you guys can just email me if you want to know what toys they want. Also if you go to my website and click on the Good Vibes logo, it'll take you to my picks page on their website because there are so many freaking amazing toys coming out. Yeah, I'm going to another sex conference called and me and Burbank next week in two weeks which I'll even have more sex toys coming to me. I don't know what to do. Like I need a two bedroom apartment next to store toys.

I can't believe we're moving so much.

I know. Well, I'm almost done.

It's crazy.

I'm almost done. I know. Well, I'm gonna sign it. I'm gonna sign a year. I'm gonna sign a year lease right now. So that is the thing that's gonna happen. Yeah. And you'll come down, stay with me. It'll be super, super, super fun. But yeah. So there's that. And that's what I got for you. We can move on to the emails from the people which I love hearing from the people. Feedbackexwithamily.com okay, here we go.

I am.

Going to read them when my computer.

All right.

Doesn't.

Once you get them.

Out, there we go. Done. Okay, so emails. The deal is. Here we go. Dear Emily, the deal is I'm a 32 year old widow. It has been over a year since my husband's unexpected death and now I believe I'm ready to date or move or more like have sex again. We had an amazing sex life. I don't want to be in a relationship, just someone to have sex with who won't want to take up all my time. I have two kids and someone to go to go to when I get my urge. I honestly don't remember how to be single and get guys or even attract them. I don't consider myself ugly. I do attract them. I see them looking but somehow they don't Come up to me. Here are my dilemmas. Number one, I work at a company with mainly girls. Number two, when I'm not at work, I'm with my kids. Number three, I like a guy, a potential hit, but I think he's married. Number four, I think this hit likes me too. So I asked if I could have one of his guys check a problem in my home. He offered to come and check himself out. He's offered to come over himself. I feel really attracted to him and really want him. What do I do to let him know this? How do I act when he comes to my home? How can I tell if he's digging me and not just being nice? P.S. he's really hot. Thanks, Deb. Okay, so the deal is with this, I know you want to have casual sex. Wait, did it say in here? Because when I read it earlier, unless this got edited, that he's married?

It didn't say that, but. Oh, he's married. Sorry, it did say that for some reason I didn't read. Okay, so here's what I got to say to you, Deb. I'm sure he's hot and he's married. I told. First of all, I'm going to break this down. You're 32 year old widow and you had amazing death and you're probably amazing. Sorry. You had amazing sex and the death of your husband is traumatic and I'm glad to hear that you're ready to date again. But I just. The last thing I want you to do is to beat yourself up for not feeling like you even know how to date again. Because you know, you feel like you don't know how to attract them. But that's all in your mind. Because the truth is you can learn those skills. You are out of practice. You were in love, you're married. And the dating muscles and the how to attract someone muscles, how to get guys muscles, they all have to be like exercised again. And that comes with like you know, the atrophy after a while. If you're married. Like you know, you think about the people who are married for 20 years, they get divorced, they don't know what to do or whatever it is. So I would say just start, you know, being more approachable. Start commit to three times a week you're going to, I like to say every day. But you're just going to start talking to a guy. It doesn't matter if it's the bus driver or someone you're interested or not. You're just going to start practicing. Or better yet if it's someone you're interested in, do that. But. But put yourself in situations where you can even just smile, say hello, how's your latte? Whatever it is, lots of traffic today, huh? It doesn't have to be any pickup lines. It's just that you have built all this fear and put all this energy around talking to men. And that's going to be really scary. Which it might feel that way at first, but you will get used to it and make yourself approachable. And here's another thing that people who single listening to this and you're wondering why you're single. If you're on your cell phone, that is like Menace. Although he has a girlfriend, so it doesn't matter 247 whether you're socializing or wherever you are. If you're on your cell phone, you've got your headphones in, you are not approachable. You're not going to meet anyone. Those guys are probably staring at you because you're looking down at your feet. You're playing with your iPhone and you don't. And you don't look approachable. So smile, keep your head up, pay attention to what's going around you. Observe your surroundings. That's the best way to strike up a conversation with someone. Wow, I've never seen a dog that big or whatever it is. You know what I mean? Pay attention and put your cell phone down. However, I love Deb that you want to have casual sex. Thumbs up to you. But he's a married guy, so I don't like that he's married. And if he, if he's, if he's not married, go for it. You think he's married? He probably is married. So I wouldn't say that would be the guest. Best guy to have casual sex with. What do you think, Menace?

Yeah, I think, yeah, definitely that, that, that's not the, the greatest choice out there.

Also not the best choice.

Yeah. And then also just, you know, never be afraid to go take some risks with people that are not married.

Okay. That's true. Oh, and another thing that works, and this is crazy. You're gonna like crazy Crazy Girl. You're gonna laugh at me. But like, I swear to God, this has happened to me. So, you know, Crazy Girl is one of our good friends Crazy Girl products.com youm can check out their website or just click through my website. So they have this pheromone infused by body spray for women, right. And I've had it for a while and like they had their for sheets and like Pheromones. People are like, really? Does that work? Blah, blah, blah. Well, I've been using it in, I've used it over time, but never consistently. It's like you spray it on, it's like really luxurious oil. And I'm telling you, every single guy that I come into contact with tells me that I smell amazing. And I feel like there's been more men coming off to me and I've not changed anything else. If anything, I've gotten older. But I smell really good because of their pheromone infused stuff. So check out Crazygirlproducts.com use Emily 25 for 25, 25% off any of their products, which you will love all of them. And their diva dust is like sparkly and you put it all over your body and you look amazing. Okay. Dear Emily, my wife does not feel any excitement during intercourse and does not enjoy it. But she loves my sex with fingers. She gets orgasms with finger play and sucking the nipples after a long foreplay. I am highly roused and can't last longer than a minute. How can I make her happy through intercourse rather than finger play? I love to get and give the oral sex, but she hates it. Please help. I would appreciate your response. Thank you, Matt. Wow. Okay, we've got a lot going on here.

First of all.

She doesn't feel any excitement during intercourse, which is common for women to not. They don't feel excitement, but they don't have orgasms because their clitoris is not getting enough rub, it's not being rubbed enough. It's not being, you know, either she could use her fingers or a sex toy or you could use your fingers. So I think why not incorporate your finger plate and knock and nipple sucking into intercourse so you could be having sex with her and play with her nipples and she can have a nipple orgasm. Or you can put the fingers, you know, do it all during intercourse. Rub her clitoris while you're having sex. That will make her experience more pleasurable. And as far as oral sex, if she likes finger plays so much, stick your fingers inside of her to stimulate her G spot while you lick her clitoris, which is pretty frigging cool and it can feel amazing. So you said that she loves to get and give the oral, you said that you love to get and give oral sex, but she hates it. Again, not talked about all of our good friends, but I can't help but mention, you know what menace mask sexual flavors, which I honestly believe is gonna, is gonna be the greatest invention in the world. When people discover it and actually realize that men are start gonna. Okay, if I could tell you that you would start getting oral sex menace on a daily basis, or any guy listening who's not getting it because of this one invention, when you go out and buy it, when you want to know what it is, what could. What could make you get more oral sex? You'd want it because that's what dudes want. Mask sexual flavor strips. M A S, Q E. They mask the taste of semen. So giving sex, oral sex is more pleasurable. So maybe Matt, your. Your. Your woman doesn't like performing oral sex because she doesn't like the taste of semen. There's a lot of women who don't. And that is like the number one complaint of women. So comes in four flavors. It's like a breath strip. You put it on your tongue and she can't taste semen. Fine. And you'll get moral sex. So those are my. Those are my things for you. I would not. I would not get upset that she. I wouldn't say that she doesn't feel excitement during intercourse. Again, I would try to do what you can. So she is feeling excitement. Especially. Especially if she orgasms through her nipples. I mean, that is the second most common orgasm. And I still don't know many women who have had them that way. I mean, a lot have, but I certainly haven't. So I'm jealous. So I'm working on it. I am working on it. I have all these sexual goals that I'm. I'm doing. So a nibble, Having a nipple orgasm is one of my goals for 2013. So I will. I will let you all know when that happens. Okay? Dear Emily, I have a sex tip I want to share. When you go down on a girl, whatever your routine is, mix it up now and again with this. I will suck on the clitoris, drawing it into my mouth, and will lick all the way around it. And as I move my tip of my tongue to the tip of the clit, I will slide the flat, rougher, bumpy top of my tongue to the top of the clit. And depending on the girl and her likes, sometimes I will gently hold a clip between my teeth. Also, I've always gotten. Oh, God.

What are you doing?

What did you do? That was so amazing. Thanks a lot for your show. Love it, Tim. Okay, Tim, that's amazing. Yes, yes, yes. You have to mix it up. Every woman is different. We are like snowflakes. And every single thing that you mentioned there, like, turned me on. Because a Lot of guys or women who's ever performing oral sex in you, they kind of stick to one thing. And I love that you go all the way from the bottom to the top, the tip of the clit to the bottom of her. Her vulva, and you slip, flip your tongue around.

This is all amazing. I'm reading it again. I love it. He puts the clitoris into his mouth and licks it between his teeth. That's so friggin hot. But don't bite it. Anyway, I love tips from the listeners, so send us your best sex tip anytime. Feedbackexthelmy.com.

I'm sure you have a lot of oral sex tips you want to.

Share too, but just a lengthy list. I'm working my books, so I don't want to give away all my secrets right now.

Okay, Exactly. You don't want to give it away. I know, menace. Okay, so. Dear Emily, I cheated on my wife about 10 years ago. My wife found out and I denied ever having sex with a woman. We went through marriage counseling and we sort of mended our marriage. But recently she has started to ask me probing questions again and is insisting we go back to counseling. I suspect she thinks counseling will bring out more of the story, but at this point I feel it wouldn't really help our marriage only heard it. We also have a couple kids together. Do I confess more or stay the course with my previous story? Thanks, Donovan. Okay, Donovan, here's the thing. I do not think you should tell her it's been 10 years.

But a lot of resentment has built up from her. Obviously, whatever you did, you thought she was convinced of it has not. You've never been able to rebuild the trust in your relationship. So I would say go to therapy. If she's dragging you to therapy, there must be other issues going on too. It's not just about this instance 10 years ago. If you have kids, I understand for a lot of people that's an impetus to stay. But I don't know if it's the best. I mean, I just think that you have to go into counseling and again, I don't. I think you should say to her, I've told you what happened 10 years ago. Not that I'm telling you to lie. Okay. I just think that it could. It happened 10 years ago. It does. You didn't tell me that you've been cheating for the last 10 years, so I assume that you haven't been cheating. But I can't tell from your email if you even want to be in this relationship. But if you do. I would go into therapy and say, let's start working on the real issues. Not something that you perceive to have happened 10 years ago. What do you think, Menace? Do you think you should tell her?

No, it's ten years ago. What? It's not gonna do any good. What. What is it gonna do? And she's gonna be like, oh, you've been lying to me for 10 years. You know?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's gonna be that. I mean, if you think she doesn't trust you now, you've never. Donovan, you've never, for 10 years, you have failed to build up her trust. You failed. She doesn't trust you. And I'm not saying it's your fault. She might be paranoid. Maybe her dad cheated on her mom. Who knows? Maybe she's got abandonment issues. Whatever it is, you guys have issues that you have to work on in therapy. And let me tell you this. This is a service announcement for every single person listening to the sex assembly show. If that. If you say to me, oh, we went to therapy once, twice, didn't work, whatever, that doesn't count. That's like saying, I went to the gym twice this year. Why is my ass still fat? No. Therapy is the kind of thing that you have to commit to for at least six months to a year with your partner to work through issues. Therapy is not a magic pill. It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen with two sessions. Getting off my therapy soapbox now. That's what I gotta say. Yeah.

Well, another thing is.

What do you think?

I've never met any man in their entire life that has gained anything by giving any women any extra information. I'm sorry.

It'S.

I agree.

Totally gotten burnt.

We've all gotten burned. Oh, my God, it's so funny.

For the rest of your life.

It is the worst. It is the worst thing. Especially that numbers thing. Oh, it's funny. So also, everyone, just so you know, I'm on Loveline with Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood every Thursday night, 7 to 10pm Pacific Standard Time. You can look at. You can check it out online for free@loveline, lovelineshow.com and then there's podcasts available and stuff. So it's really fun. We get callers and all that. But the other night I went off on my rant and I was like, loveline, if you don't know it's a radio show, it is on a lot of stations, so check your local listings in San Francisco. It's on your station Madness. Right at midnight.

It's all. It's all across the country.

It's all over the country. But the point is, I went off on my rant. I was like, okay, I don't know why people ask how many number of partners you've slept with. It is a lose, lose situation. You are never going to win this conversation. Your partner will always hold it against you. They'll think you slept with too many, too little. You're a slut. You're not experienced. And the men, they cannot picture that many penises being inside you beside their own. They don't want to hear about it, even though they ask. It's like a masochistic question that I think nobody should ever ask.

Yeah, I don't want to know nothing about your past at all.

Dr. Drew agreed with me. I don't want to know. The past is past, people. Bye. Bye. If your partner asks you this question, a lot of people ask me, just say, you know what, honey? I'm focusing on the amazing sex that we're having now and what's to come in our future. My past is past. That's what you gotta say. So let's move into our topic that I adore. Because it's just. It's just like, I feel like I spend so much of my life, which is my choice, because I love what I do. I help people with sex and relationships. Hearing about, oh, my God, I saw this at the beginning. Why didn't I pay attention to the red flags? Or here's my deal breakers, or not even knowing what their deal breakers are until after they date someone for two years and they're like, oh, I should have seen that comment. So we're going to talk about some of the common ones and how you can recognize it. I mean, I've been guilty. I've dated people for at least. I think I've, you know, at least the gap of time. Like, it used to be like, I would date someone for two years. That was wrong for me. But now it's just like two months or two weeks. So I think I've gotten better. But, you know, red flags do breakers. You know, you're probably not taking your friend's advice. And we always say this menace that, like, we all ask our friends for advice or many people do, and, like, nobody seems to listen to their friends.

Agree, agreed.

Like, especially when my female friends. I've spent hours ad nauseam telling him, like, talking about the relationship. And maybe the fact that he cheated on you once is not a good example. And that he or she on you once is not a good sign. And the fact that he has failed to pay child custody and that he has a restraining order against him or whatever it is, and they're like, really? But he's so nice. Like, they don't listen. So you don't take your friend's advice. But my mother taught me early on that the issues you have on your third date, you will have forever. And I didn't want to believe her, but I've dated. The more I date, the more I've been in relationships. I realized that she was right. And yes, maybe it's not the third date, maybe it's in the first month, but people just pay attention to the red flags. Real life is not a frigging romantic comedy. If you hated the person, the beginning, you're gonna hate him at the end. And the same thing that bugged you in the third date when they made you split the check and give them, you know, $12.62 for lunch. You know your lunch date and hand it over for your turkey sandwich. You're still not gonna. You're still gonna. He's still gonna be cheap or she's gonna be cheap. So the problem is, the reason why they say love is blind is because it's easy to ignore the red flags when your new love interest seems attractive and easy to talk to. And we also make up excuses. And it's blind because our. We're. The chemicals are going crazy in our brain. Oxytocin. We're having great sex. And haven't you done this, man? It's like. Like there's been, like, glaring red flags that you've overlooked?

No.

Never. You've never, ever broke up with someone and said, oh, my God, she was that same at the beginning. Why did you know? Never.

No, no.

Seriously, you've never. Okay, so why did you break up with your last girlfriend?

Why did I break up my last girlfriend? Because she's crazy.

Okay. And was she not crazy until the week you. Till the day you broke up with her?

No, she was a little bit, but not, like, in the. Initially. In the beginning, I think.

I disagree.

Okay.

Anyway, whatever. Typically, it's just, like, the things that are bothering you. I'm not saying you can't work through them, but, you know, you're drawn to the person. And another mistake is people say, well, you know, I love this person, but I think I can make them change. If only they were, you know, had a different job, or if only they said, I love you more, or if only they Gave me back massages every night. Well, if only they grew up or got a stable job or got their roommates to move out. Here's the thing. A lot of people think that they're going to change their partner, but people have to want to change themselves. People do not change on their own. So an alcoholic, for example, might say over and over again they're going to quit drinking to please other people. But it will never happen unless they really want to. So if they talk about how miserable their life is, they're probably not going to be any less miserable when you're together. But the only difference is that you might be miserable too. I mean, haven't you been with a complainer medicine? They're like always a complainer. Yeah, this is what I'm saying. And then you're like, no, I'm gonna make him happy. I'm gonna take care of what, everything he's complaining about. No, you're not. They're complaining. We all want to be someone with someone who is positive and brings out the best in us and who actually wants to be with you. So if they tell you on the first date they're not looking for anything serious, believe them, because everyone's gonna show you who they are. So here's some of the common first date deal breakers or deal break red flags, whatever you want to call them, that you can look out for and menace. Do you have any that you'd like to add? Like what comes to your mind? Like you have a date with someone and she shows up on the date, or you go to pick her up and blank, what happens? Why is it a deal breaker?

She already shows up. I mean, if she's running like super late, I would cut it off too.

Really? I know. I hate ladies.

Oh, totally.

A lot of women are late. A lot of women are late. And men. But we take longer to get ready.

Yeah, I just kind of blow it off.

Okay, so some of the things are deal breakers. He or she has low self esteem. How can you tell? Well, you can tell by the way someone talks, holds themselves, talks about their job, talks about their life.

He or she brings his mom to your first date. Do you remember that happened to me?

What?

Years ago, I had a blind date with a guy who was coming in town to San Francisco from la, when I live in San Francisco. And he was like, he called me, we had a date to go to the museum and then he calls me back 10 minutes later and I didn't answer and he's like, oh, do you mind if I Bring my mom on the date. She's in town too.

Weird.

Of course I said yes because I thought it'd be great for. For the show and it'd be good. You know, you can tell a lot by how a man treats his mother, how he's gonna treat you. But anyway, don't bring your mom on the first date. Poor hygiene. That is the number one killer. Killer. Killer for people's sex drive and why they're interested in people. No common interests. Drunk. Gets too drunk on the date. Has bad breath. Answering the phone during the date. Tardiness. Doesn't have a plan. Rude to the waiter. My mom always told me that too. If they are rude to the waiter, they're probably rude to other people.

Asking inappropriate questions, such as, have you ever had anal sex? Now I had that asked to me when I was on the Bravo series Misadvise on my first date, if you recall. Oh, no, no. He said to me, what's up with everyone in anal sex? And yes, I have a sex talk show, but that was hilarious. Okay, so other deal breakers for these are relationship deal breakers.

Not these are he or she cheats on you, doesn't want to spend weekend nights with you. Lies. Constantly neglects you in public or in front of the friends, doesn't introduce you to their friends, has weird friends. Now that one is an interesting one that people. There's a debate over that. I believe you can tell a lot about a person by their friends, by who they choose to spend their time with. So I'm saying weird friends. Maybe you just don't click with their friends. If they're cheapskate, they split the bill with the calculator. They don't spend any money on you at all. Anger management problems. This is a huge one. They get mad at strangers. They get mad at you, obviously, if they're abusive physically or emotionally. A drug or alcohol addiction, not a good thing. Someone with underlying issues. Like I said, Kai always say issues with insecurity, confidence, and is sexy. Okay, so these are some sex deal breakers. Menace. This is all good for people because people might break up when they hear the show. They might be like, oh my God, this is a deal breaker. And I didn't even notice it. And you can, you could pipe in if you disagree. Not enthusiastic. I've heard that the number one success to a successful blowjob for many men is enthusiasm. Like, or even anything in bed by a woman and a man is that we want you to be into it. Would you say that is true?

Yeah.

So if you're not enthusiastic. That could be a deal breaker again. Bad hygiene. Never wants to have sex or give oral sex. No foreplay. Going right to the sex. Always want to do the same sex positions, never changing it up again. I don't think that's a total deal breaker because that comes with communicating with your partner and buying my book, which is amazing, called hot sex. Over 200 things you can try tonight. You can buy it on Amazon. Go through my website. Ejaculation etiquette. What if you get a surprise facial? That could be a deal breaker.

You should just welcome. No, that shouldn't be a deal breaker.

If they don't ask first.

Oh, come on. What is it gonna be?

I don't want a guy to come.

Is it gonna be a deal breaker for you?

I think on the first ejaculation, if he gave me a facial, as they say, that would probably be. It depends.

Probably not. No, probably. I mean, unless we were, like, into some, like, crazy, kinky, amazing chemistry, and he was like, you know, we caught up in the moment. Not that it's bad to ejaculate on your partner's face. I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying, you know, without asking or preparing the person. Okay, that's what I got to say about that. And then we have a funny post that we use. I love this. This is that we asked a lot. Bunch of people on Twitter and Facebook and some of the decisions, some of the things that people were saying. Never date someone whose idea of a good time is taking your Midol after all the booze is gone. And never date someone who won't make a decision without consulting their mother. Never date a man who hates his mother. And never date someone who's broken but can somehow pay for large quantities of weed. So I'd love to hear from you. Let me know what you all think. And menace. What else with you? Anything else you'd like to add here in this moment in time? So good to talk to you today.

Yeah. The only thing I'd like to add, like I always like to say on the show is just. Just go for it. Nothing bad's going to ever happen to you. You know, I used to be a shy person, but you just get over.

It, you know, because just.

Just go for it. You're not going to die. All right, I'm sorry.

You're not going to die. And then you're not going to die.

And you're going to save yourself a bunch of time, too.

Exactly. Because there's Men that go through their 20s, their 30s, their 40s, they can't talk to women. It's like their biggest fear. It's like public speaking. And the only way to get over it is to practice, practice, practice. I mean, it's your shy guy. And now you have like a million ladies who want you.

They do. They're always like, menace is hot. Menace is hot. Menace is hot.

I guess, I don't know. I don't act like that. But I just, I'm just not afraid to talk to anybody anymore is my thing.

I know, but you got up your confidence by practicing and you got rejected. Right? Menace before. And it hurts at first for a little bit maybe, maybe it feels stings. But you get used to it. Life goes on. Everything in life is breaking old habits and learning new patterns and learning new behaviors. So that's how you're going to find the person you love. And one thing I want to say earlier is that someone said in the email and I wanted to get back to this, this woman said she has two children she can't date. Why don't you start taking your kids to like kid friendly groups to the park and talking to people you know, everyone has excuses and I don't believe anyone's goddamn excuse why you can't meet anyone because there are so many single people out there. It's your fault if you're not meeting someone. That's my story. Okay? Men is so good to talk to you.

You too.

Thanks as always. Love you much, Lee. Thanks everyone for listening to sex with Emily. Remember, support our good buddies here. Support Good Vibes.com. go on my website, buy a sexy toy for your partner. Mask. Oral sex strips. If you want oral sex, that's sexualflavors.com and Crazy Girl products. Great gifts for your your partner. She smells amazing and you're going to want to sleep with her even more than you already do. So thanks everyone for listening to sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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