SWE: Female Sex Lives

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge. What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding?

Oh, my God. That feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information about Sex with Emily, go to sexwithemily.com you can check out our podcast. Sign up for our RSS feed, our blog. Check out everything going on there. So, as you know, we're doing more shows now, and this is one of the shows where I interview women about their sex lives, about what they like, what they don't like, what their favorite moves are, and what tricks work for them. And today I'm talking to Hope. Hi, Hope.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Thanks for being here. Thank you. It's really good to talk to you. Okay, so tell me, how did you. When do you first remember having your first sexual experience?

I like to say 16, but it was on the cusp of 16.

What happened?

Boyfriend, parents leaving town, Thanksgiving Day, and whole house to ourselves. Even confirmed that my parents were out of town, but I still had sex in the shed.

You had sex in the shed your first time?

First time.

Was it good?

No.

But I cried and cried and cried because I wasn't a virgin anymore. So I cried. And he was feeling terrible and told me some story that how he was dying of cancer, so it was okay. And then I figured since I wasn't a virgin anymore, he was dying of cancer, which I of course, knew was a lie, we would just start doing it again.

And I loved it. Are you religious or something?

No, I was just in Texas, and we were supposed to be a virgin.

So you're from Texas?

From Texas.

Okay, so you grew up where exactly?

Dallas.

Dallas, Texas. Okay, so when do you remember having your first, like, sexual feelings? Do you remember masturbating when you were younger? How'd you learn about your body?

I remember one time being on a, like, taking a nap with my mom, being on a daybed, and she was asleep, and I remember, like, having my fist, like, just kind of sitting on my fist, and she's, what are you doing? And then I literally don't remember masturbating again.

Oh. Because she said, what are you doing? She wasn't like, oh, honey.

That's like, what are you doing? And she knew what I was doing kind of, you know, So.

I was probably in fourth grade.

Okay, fourth grade. I don't know. You're like 10. 11.

I think you're like 10 or 11.

No, that's fifth grade.

Oh, really? Okay. So I think I was probably 9 or 10.

Okay.

And then I don't remember doing it again until I was 25. I never, unfortunately, been very successful about it.

Masturbation. It's hard for you.

But can you still. It's like I get really. I can't concentrate long enough now without porn. There's no way. Like, it's just fast and then it's.

So if you watch. So you watch porn?

I do watch porn.

What kind of porn?

Pornhub.com.

Pornhub.Com.

Okay.

They should be one of our advertisers. So what's on porn? What kind of porn are you attracted to?

I was always just. I mean, unfortunately, terribly straight, but I was always just attracted to girl on girl. But lately I think because there's a lack of male energy in my life, I've been more attracted to heterosexual effects. But I'm a little freaked out about it because I want to know. I'm trying to watch the ones that only have, like, the names of people. They want to know that they're not a sex slave in Eastern Europe or wherever. So I'm trying to like, figure out who's.

It's good you've morals around the porn's.

Women are making money off.

So you can. So then once you watch porn, then you're sex toys. Or do you.

I use a vibrator.

Right. What kind?

Very basic.

I went and I went actually, like a pocket rocket.

No, I can't remember.

It's not.

I went in and I was. I went in to buy it recently at Good Vibrations. And it was really funny. Like, the woman was talking to me about. I was asking her vibrator questions and everything she asked me was. I went in looking for the rabbit, basically. And she instructed me that, like, I probably want external versus internal. Which was true.

Right. But anyway, External clitoral stimulation.

Yeah. This is all I care about. I didn't care about. She said that was what most people actually.

Absolutely 81% of women. Needle stimulation.

Okay. So that's definitely what I need. She was right. But the way she was talking to me made me laugh because she was probably 21. I was like, but I'm not a virgin. Like, I felt like I was a virgin.

So anyway, you were a virgin. Vibrator buyer. Yes.

Speaking of that.

So you. So you need clitoral syndrome, like most women need that. Like a lot of the whole elusive g Spot. I mean, we all think, oh, it's gonna be like the Holy Grail of orgasms. But really, it's like if you have a clitoral orgasm. It's true.

Yeah.

So did you first. Do you remember when you first had. You're your very first orgasm?

Yes, but this is a really weird story. People are gonna think I'm being facetious, but I'm not. I remember.

Okay.

I remember having my first orgasm sometime at, you know, 16, I guess, probably with the boyfriend.

Oh, you did? So during intercourse with your boyfriend at 16? That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely talked to him a lot and that was. But when I was 13, my mother. I was going to a parochial school and it was in Texas, and I was asking questions about is Jesus Christ personal savior and all of that. I was asking if my brother and sister were going to go to heaven.

My mother got really freaked out by my line of questioning and took me out of the parochial school and put me into a prep school, thank goodness. But anyway, meanwhile, I had gone to this Bible camp, which she was also a little bit freaked out about. But later I realized when I had an orgasm having sex, that when I was saved, it was an orgasm. And I am. I'm not being. People think I'm being like, when? You kidding me?

I felt saved, but I was like.

You know, it's kind of a revival. Literally, like, you know, come down, accept Jesus Christ if you believe in Jesus. I remember just. I remember that euphoria and that feeling. And then later on, at 15, when I was having sex, a sexual orgasm, I really. I knew it was exactly the same feeling. Like that euphoria and that orgasm.

Wow, that's easy to make that connection.

I mean, to me that I'm going to. And I'm not being like. I'm not.

Are you a religious person now at all? No. No. Okay, so you had this revelation about orgasm. So you are easily able to orgasm then during. During intercourse, when you're having sex with the man?

Yes, but unfortunately, I'm rarely very present. I'm usually fantasizing.

Really? So you're fantasizing about. What do you fantasize about? The last person I was dating, I.

Was actually present pretty much, which is odd.

So you really. Can you go there? So in your mind you're having sex with someone and you're fantasizing about. Are you fantasizing about, like, porn you watch or someone you know, or a situation that, like, you never want to happen, but you just like to fantasize about It.

I'm usually. I think I'm fairly dominant in life, so I'm usually fairly submissive. And so it's usually someone during sex or submissive I'm getting. No, no, not during sex. I'm not submissive. I'm in my fantasy.

In your fantasy, you're submissive.

Like, I mean, they're getting paid or.

So you're not even thinking about the person you're with, but you're thinking about this scenario of, like, maybe they paid you and you were.

I think, unfortunately, I think when I think about. Yeah, when I start. Like, when I. When I start dating someone.

You're present, I'm present. And then for how long? How many months? I always say six months to a year, if you're lucky.

If I'm lucky?

Yeah, if you're lucky. Maybe it's more like three months.

And then. Although, in the end, I feel like the last person I was having sex with, I was pretty present in that without him. But I really do think anatomically it worked better for me. So that's not something.

What do you mean, anatomically it worked better?

I just think that it was like a better.

He was a he. And I feel like. I think I was more present sexually with him. I don't think I had a great. I wasn't. Unfortunately. I don't feel like I was totally available emotionally.

Ain't it always that way?

But I do feel like physically I didn't have to go into a fantasy as much orgasm.

Oh, wow. So do you think it was because anatomically you fit together. I think there's probably some intimacy there too.

Yeah. I probably should have explored the intimacy more.

But you weren't able to go there. That's okay. So where are you at now? When was the last time. What was the best sex you ever had? If I said to you, Amanda. Sorry, I'll cut that. If I said to you Hope.

If I said to you Hope, what's the best sex you ever had? Like, what comes to your mind? What happened?

I think I would probably think about.

I think.

Fortunately, I think I would think about several different, like, experiences. But I think I've had a lot of good sex, which I'm happy about with. With people I've been connected with. So I can think of some really fun experiences.

Just one describing.

One was someone I was on a trip with in Thailand. And we were really at each other's throats and it was raining all day long and we were just had sex all over this room. Lots of crazy brute and like destroyed the room. And it was just sexy and fun.

Right?

Ridiculous. And that was fun. And then there's been other. I don't know. I've had a lot of good breakup sex, I guess.

Really? Oh, good. Like after you break up or when you're breaking up.

Like, I tend to.

Make these big statements like, this is over. And then that's. Then that's always the best sex.

That's the best sex. So maybe do you do that repeatedly in relationships? Kind of like, this is over, let's have sex.

No, unfortunately, it's just more.

No, it really is over.

Really good. Unfortunately, then that creates the regret cycle of, oh, that was so good.

Do you think that we're meant to be monogamous with one person for the rest of our life?

No. I mean, it's getting more comfortable as I get older, the idea of that, obviously. But no, I don't think it's natural.

So have you been married before? I have. You have. And how was that? What happened?

I was really immature and I got married because I was.

I just felt I'm fresh off the boat from Texas and I felt like that's what I was supposed to do and married a really nice man. I wasn't. I don't think I was terribly present and I'm definitely scared of. I feel like I should get married again. But it definitely is something that's nerve wracking to me.

Okay.

And I feel societally I should ask in that.

Right. But you don't mean. You might not want to. I do.

I would like to work through my commitment issues and if I can, then I would like to. But if I can't, I think I would be wise to stay away from it.

Okay. What is the. What is your biggest turn on sexually? Like, if you think like, what could a guy do that would be your biggest turn on if he. Blank. Is it even. It could be like a sex move. Like, I love when a guy holds my hand behind my head. Or I love when a guy kisses my neck. Or, you know, is there anything that a guy does that every time you're like, oh, that is the move?

I think, I think I like. No, I think. I think I like what somebody else would be. Like, the last person I was having sex with, he just like did this thing. He was like, like, pick up. I can't even say my bottom. You know, it was like so sexy to me the way he would like, grab my ass.

He'd grab your ass?

Yeah.

I love when guys grab my ass.

But I've never had anyone else. I may have had other people do other things I loved, but I've never had anybody do. So I guess I like naturalness and authenticity and I don't like laughing during sex but I only like to have sex with people who I find humorous, you know, but not taking that into sex.

Right.

So.

So what would be a turn off? What would a guy do that you were like, oh my God, did you really just get in bed with your socks on or something?

Someone who was really like tied to one position? Not tied, but really. I dated one guy and he was really good looking and then after like third time I realized he. A couple of people I've dated, including my ex husband actually I think that latently they felt sex was dirty. And that's a turn off to me. Like when you can tell that person like isn't that there's something, there's something.

What do you mean he felt sex with you as dirty?

He didn't have to remember but when we were dating there was somehow there was some association with him and I think his dad was secretly gay and so he had like some issues around.

Again I don't mean that tonight, but for some reason for him like he had some experiences I think he basically dragged out of him after years and he kind of walked in on his dad and stuff and I still don't know the hecks of it, but somehow he, before we were really together he felt like it was. I don't know if it was a clean phobe or what, but just didn't feel like it felt very safe. And then I dated another guy who I never like it wasn't. I wasn't with him long enough but I knew it was something I wasn't interested in because he was so uniform about it. And I could tell he also felt something was dirty about.

So really they feel like it's dirty about. They feel like they're not sexually. So maybe you're looking for someone who's more sexually open.

Yes.

Okay.

But not like, but I'm actually pretty. I'm certainly not a. I don't like. I mean I have no like fetishes or anything like that now.

I don't either but I always wish I did. I always wish I had a fetish. I'm like, it'd be so fun to have like fetish. I never had one. I'm like, I want one so bad. Okay, so what about oral sex? Do you like. First let's talk about, do you like receiving oral sex?

Yes, but I Find it much more intimate than intercourse. So I like receiving an act. I'm comfortable with somebody.

Okay. So it's not like first date or second date, third date, whatever.

It's not like before you sex with.

Someone before you'd have intercourse, before oral sex.

I would give a blowjob before I'd have sex with somebody.

Right.

But I would rather have sex with them before they went down on me.

Do you. Okay. And so when they do go down on you, is there a certain, like, technique or anything that you like? How would you describe what you like?

Unfortunately, this is why I'm straight. Like, I can so not imagine going down on someone. So I think I'm always astonished that someone is not bothered by it.

Right.

What did they do?

Right. They're not bothered by it, but doesn't turn you off, I guess.

I like a sense that. That goes back to, like, the clue. Clitoral similarities. Right.

If they're good at, like, getting it. What about with, like, their tongue? Like, if they fast or slow or, like, feathery or what is there, I.

Think a little like a little pressure.

Pressure? You like more pressure?

Oh, my God.

Do you know that I had an interview a few weeks ago with a woman named Charisma? I did a similar show, and she actually has had sex with men and women, a lot of men and women. And she was saying she has a special chin trick. So if you're interested in that show, it's Charisma. It was like 15 episodes ago. You can go. Or 10 episodes ago. And it was really funny. And she's like, women go crazy for my chin trick. And I like. It was an oral sex chin trick.

That's good.

Yeah. It's funny that you mentioned the chin because I had not heard that before, but that was the chin.

I think that was the last person I was with who had the good.

Ass grabbing.

Right.

Ass grabbing is hot, right?

Oh, my God.

The younger men. Do you date younger men?

Typically.

When I was younger, I dated older men and I have been dating younger men.

How many years younger than you?

My age now.

How many years younger?

I was going to, like, I would say the last. My last serious relationship. Last two serious relationships. They were, I guess last three were 10 years younger. Two of them. And then accidentally I dated someone who is, you know, pushing 20 years younger.

And I was 20 years younger, but.

I wasn't comfortable with that.

I really wasn't. But what was the sex like with him? Like, was it different than being with older men? Like, he was 20 years younger.

Ironically, for me, it was. It was great. Like, he was. He's fantastic. But it was. I think he was much more capable of being committed to the relationship than I was. And so it reminded me of. I felt panicked about it, I guess. So it was. Tex himself was great. He's amazing. But I was scared to. I was scared to get my heart broken, basically.

Right. Right. Okay. So you've never. Have you ever been with a woman?

No, no, I've been with. Guess I've been with a woman and man, but we haven't really been together, so.

No. Okay. And what is your. Is there, like, what's the worst move a guy can make?

A head push? Like.

Right. We were talking about that. Like, when a guy is like, you're pulling on the guy and he like, boom. Puts your head down there. You're like, I know you're hard. I know I can do this. That it's an option to give you blood job right now, but please don't push my head down there. I don't even like it when they put their hand on your. On your.

You know, Hope.

Why do you think oral sex is power? Performing oral sex?

Why do things power? I think it's. I just enjoy the. I do like it. I like it more.

I have to admit.

I like it more in the beginning than I do as a relationship tends to dwindle.

Right. That's what they say. People get married or they commit and they stop preferring oral sex. Yeah.

I was dating someone once who we were. He was kind of the end of another relationship, and we were mad love. And he was like. He literally said to me in his naivete, which was interesting because he wasn't that young, saying he's like, I get a blowjob every day. I'm like, really?

He said he wanted one every day.

And he's like, I can't believe I'll get a blowjob every day.

And you were like, that's not gonna happen.

I mean, I was fair enough to say that's not gonna happen. Which probably wasn't very. You know.

Do you. What do you. How do you feel about the testicles? Do you incorporate them into your blowjob making?

Yes, I do. Although I've had, like. I have to say I found them pretty. All fairly normal. But I remember two people, one that had just like, these crazy, baggy testicles and one way bigger than the other, which was very, very strange. And then there was another guy I dated who was in fantastic shape, and he was really. He was fairly young. And he was.

A little bit repressed, but really cute, but a bit repressed. And it was strange because his balls were just. He had a really nice penis, but his balls were like rock hard and tight. It was weird.

Do you play with them? Do you lick them? Do you. What do you do with them?

I would say I'm gentle with them for sure.

You're gentle. You have to be gentle, right? Yeah, I agree. Okay, so what's your favorite position for sex? Where are you more likely? How are you more likely to orgasm?

On top.

On top. Is it more of a clitoral grinding back and forth or not?

I really wouldn't orgasm so much on the bottom.

I don't. But you usually would say. What percentage of time do you orgasm during sex? During intercourse?

70%, probably.

That's good. But if you don't, are you bummed or no?

It depends. If the last relationship was in, we were having so much sex that I. I do feel like I'm a one. I'm a. I never have been a believer in the multiple workouts. So maybe it's just envy, but I'm. I don't even get it right. So I'm a one orgasm person. And then my mind checks out immediately.

And then you're done. You're like, what's on tv?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, pretty much. I mean, pretty much. I would rather either orgasm simultaneously or have the guy orgasm first. Because once I orgasm.

Right, right, right, right. So what's your experience with sex toys? You said that you had. You have one only. One?

Yeah, one only. And I don't really care about sex toys when I'm in a relationship.

It's. No, you don't. It's only when you're alone. So you don't use. You've never used it with a partner.

Okay.

The craziest sexual experience was you had sex where I think it's most.

I'm not saying it's the craziest, I guess, but it was the most dangerous. Dangerous in the communist China. Crawling over Bob Fur.

But you didn't get shot at or anything? We did not.

But there were later. We did see people with machine guns patrolling the area. So it was not smart.

Do you ever play props or dress up when you were someone? Yeah. Do you ever like, get dressed up? Like lingerie or.

Yeah, I like that. I miss you.

I pre dressed up.

Yeah, definitely. Again, what we talked about, not unfortunately, like you were saying, unfortunately fetishy.

But do you wear lingerie? Special things for your guy?

Yeah, just like.

Like you know, do you feel that men appreciate lingerie? Because I have a thing that, like, some guys just don't even notice. Like, you go shopping and you're like, my bra and panties match today. And they're like, they just want to have sex with you.

I think that they say they, like. There's people, I think people who appreciate it in theory, but I think very few. I actually don't like the guy that really appreciates it. You know what I mean? Like, it's funny why I like the guy who appreciates in theory because I think they're the same guy that, like, really appreciates that you're well dressed or have a great dress on. But anybody goes back to the fetishy thing or anything. If somebody really, really cared about the garter belt or something, that would make me crazy. Like, I want him to find me sexy as a package, not sexy as a product.

So how does the guy make you feel? Sexy?

I do feel. A friend of mine, because I. I guess by saying I don't really. I don't like, like false flattery or something, but I do, like, sort of uncontrolled. Oh, you're so sexy.

You're so sexy. You're so. I was never say, a guy could never tell me how hot I am. Like, too many times.

Yeah. But it's weird. A friend of mine said we spoiled the other day because I was laughing, saying I didn't want to sex them. Like, he didn't even. He didn't even, like, he didn't make me. He didn't tell me a sexier thing. But I hate people who would. I hate people who are gratuitously complimentary.

So it has to be the right mix.

It has to be genuine. It has to be authentic. It has to be.

Like, you can tell when a guy's authentically really into you.

Yeah.

Not like you're like, oh, my God. That's the whole, like, where you. It's just chemistry where you feel like you're having. It's chemistry. Yeah.

Isn't it hard to find chemistry?

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is. When you find it, you know it, right?

Yes.

Okay, well, thank you so much for this. This interview. Hope I really appreciate you sharing your sexual exploits. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, everyone, for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithamily.com so you know I'm obsessed with candles, right? Have you ever heard of massage oil candles? Okay, so get this. I always light candles when I'm enjoying a glass of wine with friends and recently they were over and I lit three candles for my new line called Emily and Tony. My skin felt really dry so I went ahead and poured some of it on my hands and I gave myself a quick massage. My friends were stunned that I did this and immediately were obsessed and here's why. See, these candles are really aromatherapy massage oils that when warmed like a candle, they melt into the most luxurious body oil that is super hydrating, leaves your skin feeling and smelling amazing and it's perfect for massaging your partner or yourself. You can use it during foreplay. And you know me, I'm a firm believer in foreplay. They come in delicious flavors like creme de vanilla, cocoa and Fougere. Not just that, they look great in your home. So help us keep this podcast free. Check them out today@emilyandtoni.com and you're welcome.

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