SWE: Nice Guys

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

Hey, Menace, what's up?

Hi, how you doing?

I'm good, how are you?

I'm good. Sorry, I was tweeting. I was letting everybody know to watch.

Okay, everyone should watch. And soon you'll be able to see Menace.

Soon. It's not that he's not cute, it's just that we don't have a camera yet. Oh no, I'm not cute, and I need to get a tan.

You with the tan. I'm gonna buy you a tanning gift certificate.

I saw a video of me the other day, really pale, and I took a bunch of photos last weekend. Pale? No, you're not. You're not pale. I'm pale compared to me.

I live in San Francisco, it's never sunny. I'm not like laying in the sun.

You look like you went to the Bahamas compared to me.

Okay, well, maybe, maybe. So tonight, minus— it's Friday. Happy Friday. Yeah, so tonight I'm having drinks with Greg. Yes, from Fernando and Greg, and you're invited. Are you coming?

I I believe I'm coming.

Ah, we're gonna get drunk in the Castro.

I know, that's the best place to get drunk.

I know, right? It'll be so fun. We're gonna go in the Castro District, which is predominantly the gay district in San Francisco. It's near my house. And we're gonna get drinks at some fun place I've never been to.

Yeah, Greg knows how to drink.

Does he?

Yeah, he can drink. I've gotten drunk with him before because we work for the same company, so we go to company parties and stuff like that. Fun! So he's a joy to be around.

I've only met him— he has a really popular radio show called Fernando and Greg in San Francisco. And he was on the show a few months ago.

Yeah.

You can probably find that show somewhere on the website.

It was a really good show.

It was a really good— people love that show.

Yeah.

He's hilarious.

When, uh, are you going out on a date without a gay man?

Um, without a gay man? I'm not. I don't have any dates set up for this weekend.

No way.

Swear to God.

No, uh, cabin getaways?

No cabin getaways, no dates for this weekend. Um, the guy that I went out with from LA last week called me yesterday. He called me, he did not email me, he did not text me, and he asked me, like, He didn't— he said he might be in San Francisco in a few weeks, then we're gonna go out again. He seemed nice. It was like a very brief conversation, but at least he called. I appreciate when a man calls these days.

You didn't say, oh, I can maybe go to LA? No, he didn't.

Well, he did ask if I was gonna be in LA anytime soon, and I do need to go to LA, but I'm not gonna go for him. I mean, no, I'm not, I'm not. I mean, I don't know. How about you? Any dates?

Uh, no, not this weekend.

Next weekend?

I gotta clean.

I gotta do a lot of cleaning. Oh, 'cause you've been so busy.

I've been busy and my place is a mess.

Right. Okay, well, last night I was visiting with a friend of mine. Visiting, hanging out. And she— I want to see what you think of this. She was laughing 'cause she's dating a guy who's 10 years younger. So he's in his 20s, she's in her 30s. And he said to her, "My mom told me that it used to be that girls didn't call boys. Is that true?" And She— because he was like, girls always call guys and guys always call girls. Yeah, but don't— I don't know, I think I, you know, my issue, I don't call guys right away when I'm dating. I'm not gonna pick up the phone and call my LA date.

Yeah, but I don't think people care anymore, but we are still like—

but I'm still in that like generation where I'm like, I don't want the guy to call me the first few times. But then I got in that debacle a few months ago with that guy I was dating for 3 months, and apparently he pointed out to me that I never once called him first. Yeah, and so I guess I still have this thing in my mind like, I want the thrill of the chase and blah blah blah.

And it's not that I wanted the thrill chase. I just was like magic unicorns.

I still wasn't sure that we were to get— I don't know, I just, I don't know. So I was just wondering, like, how do you feel if a girl calls you?

I like—

oh, she likes me?

No, I— well, I assume no one girl likes me because that's how I stay, that's how I stay out of trouble, you know? That's how I don't waste my time. Okay, but I just believe, uh, it's good that girls call guys now because, you know, we are raising a generation of pussies with the internet. Where we're becoming socially awkward. And please, women, call guys if you're into them. Call them. Don't say, oh, I want him to chase me, because he's not gonna chase you. All right, I think there's a little bit like, let him call you at the beginning, and then you're gonna end up banging some guy that you don't like.

Okay, well, that's a good point. That's gonna bring me to the topic of today's show. Okay, today's show is we're gonna be reading your emails that you sent to feedback@sexwithemily.com, or right now it's so easy on my website, you can just hit Q&A and you can fill out a form and you can— there's a Q&A section and you can email me that way as well. And some of the topics in your emails today include asking people out, metrosexual versus retrosexual, swingers, being open sexually after divorce, vaginal suction pumps, women orgasming early, and what happens when your friends start dating. But then the topic that I thought you'd find interesting is our sex tip topic is how nice guys can finish first without being a jerk. And then I added like Menace. All right, no, I'm kidding. But how— but we were talking yesterday about how, you know, you think guys have to be a jerk. Yeah, guys, you think that guys—

no, I didn't say that.

And I'm going to talk about how guys can be asshole-like but still get the chicks and be the nice guy. And we're going to get into that.

Did I say that? I say that's the easy way, that's the easy way out, but there is other tactics and I express those other tactics.

Okay, we're going to get into more tactics. Listen, I did not listen to you. Whatever. We're gonna get into that later. So yeah, that's what we're doing. We'll get sex in the news.

There's nothing else next week you're gonna do? No other plans?

I got next week, let me look at my calendar. That's too far away. That's too far, it's way too far in advance. But next week, I have no dates. I need some new people in my dating pool. Should I date online just for fun?

Yeah.

Everyone's doing it. My friend on JDate that I talked about, she's got like 100 dates lined up.

Of course, because there's a million guys to every one girl on those things. I know, it could be a good thing.

I'm trying to think, like, I don't have my guy in LA, my ex that I used to sleep with has a new girlfriend, so we're not like hanging out.

Oh, what's this new thing that I keep on seeing advertisements for? It's called It's Just Dinner.

Oh, or It's Just Dinner, or It's Just Lunch.

Yeah, It's Just Lunch.

I actually know a woman who does that. So that's a dating program in San Francisco.

Do they pay women? Because they were talking about making money, I think I saw it on Facebook or something like that.

No, It's Just Lunch is a dating program where you just have lunch. They fix you up, and I think it's a table with like 6 people, where it's like 3 guys and 3 girls.

Yeah.

And then you get to all meet each other and have lunch, and it's just lunch, like no pressure, no pressure, no pressure, just lunch.

I don't like— I don't like that how it's— how it has 3 people.

Okay, maybe it's 4.

No, no, I just don't like—

you can pick, you're like, oh, that guy's hot.

Yeah, but then I feel like I have to, you know, sell myself in front of all these other people.

But you would just sit there, be quiet, and be cool guy.

Oh no, I don't I don't know, I would have to feel the vibe.

Right.

But I'd rather just be one-on-one because then I can probably win them over.

Right. There might be a one-on-one. Well, with dating there's one-on-one. So my friend's doing all these coffees with guys. She's not doing dinner. She's doing like coffee, coffee, coffee. But she canceled on some guy yesterday because she's kind of a big canceler and he's like, thanks a lot for making me waste my night. But she canceled 5 hours early and he was pissed.

For coffee?

No, they were going to go out for dinner, I think. Actually, no, they were going out for an early— like, no, they were going out for coffee because she only drinks coffee. And they were going to go out for like a 6:30 coffee and at noon And then she canceled and he sent her a really pissy email like, "You messed up my night." Good. So I was like, forget it, you just learned this guy's not— 'cause she suggested another date, like another time.

What did she end up doing that night? She was going out with another guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, see, how did I know? You women are so scandalous.

She's going out with the guy that she's dating, but she's also dating on JDate, but he doesn't know that. Why? Why? Because she's not so into the guy that she's dating.

Then stop dating him.

Oh, she likes him sort of. You know how that is, you just kind of hang out with someone for a while until you don't, until someone else comes along.

So bad.

It's not that bad, that's life.

It's terrible.

I've done it. I don't do it anymore.

Women are gypsies and the devil. That's what I want to say.

Women are the devil and gypsies?

Yeah.

What are men then? Men are assholes and jerks and liars. Just kidding, I love men. They are none of those things. Okay, so what else? I'm trying to think what else. Did you see the clip I sent you?

What's the clip?

Can we talk about that? I mean, I feel like it's like—

I don't know if you Can you? I mean, it's your thing. You talk about it.

But I feel like everything's real and I feel like you guys can all follow me along in this process of it. And, um, I don't think there's a problem talking about it.

You sure? I mean, did you talk to— did they say it was okay? I signed a contract.

Yeah, signed a contract. It's done.

It's gonna be in the news.

It's cool.

It's going to be in the news or it's been?

It will be in the news like next week.

Next week? Then we should wait.

Okay, we're gonna wait. I won't mess it up. I won't mess it up. Okay, but there's some exciting stuff happening with Sexademic. I know friends with benefits is super exciting and you're all really excited about that, but there's there's going to be even more exciting things that are happening soon. Okay, okay. So, and we've got new videos on the site every day. We've got like 4 new videos up there, and we've got a poll which I will get into in a second. But we could get into some sex in the news.

Okay, is it more wiener talk?

No more wiener talk. Has anything else happened with him in the last 48 hours, 24 hours?

No, nothing's happened.

I haven't like— I didn't keep up with it. Okay, okay, okay. Controversial judge may lose his job from distributing condoms stuffed acorns.

Condom stuffed acorns.

I don't really get it. Isaac Stolfus, a judge from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

I didn't know this is not real. It is real.

It is real.

It is not real.

It is real. He's a judge from Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Could lose his job simply for promoting safe intercourse. He lives in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Can we have one of the interns to look up to make sure?

They did look it up. They found it for me.

In a court. Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, he He claims to hand out condoms in his courtroom all the time to help emphasize how important sex is in preventing unwanted pregnancies and STDs. He should be considered an empowering role model, even if his way of distributing them is a little nutty. Besides, what are all these uptight people doing living in a city called Intercourse anyway? It is totally true.

Imagine if you're the only person in Intercourse, Pennsylvania that's not having intercourse.

I know.

Like, how much does that suck?

I know. In Michigan, there's a town called Climax, and we used to always go past it. We used to always drive past it, my cousin Lizzie and I, and we would— who was on the show the other day— and we'd go We were going fast tonight.

Wow.

That was really funny. Lots of towns have weird names. So yeah, he's handing out— I don't— why are people so upset that people hand out condoms? It's like, oh, I, you know what? I wasn't even thinking of having sex, but now that I have a free condom, I'm going to go get laid.

I'm going to go do it. Yeah.

Hand out free— people need more condoms. I'm actually out of condoms. Like me, I used to get free condoms. I'd be all the time like, I need condoms. Everyone needs condoms. No one gives me free condoms. Yeah. Because they expire too. Do you know that condoms expire and you have to check the expiration date? Yeah.

You just find this out? No, but I'm just telling people as a thing.

If you've had condoms forever and maybe you haven't gotten laid in a few years, like throw away your condoms and get new condoms.

Yeah, you gotta get those $75 condoms though.

I know, we talked about that a few weeks ago. Someone's making like $75 condoms. So we need a condom sponsor. I'm just putting it out there. Trojan. Trojan. I'd love a condom sponsor.

Oh, the Durex Pleasure Pack.

Oh my God, totally. Durex, the Pleasure Pack.

The Pleasure Pack. Remember what that Shondorf—

Shondorf Gardos from mypleasure.com.

Yeah, he designed something for Durex.

Exactly.

Remember, he's your way in.

I know, you're right.

Hit him up.

Oh, got a column. Write that down.

Say we need condoms.

Okay, we need condoms.

We need to make it rain condoms.

Sex with Emily condoms and sex with Emily lube. That's coming soon.

It has to be high quality though, because I see those—

would I do anything not high quality? Yeah, I'm the most high quality chick there is. Okay, right? Lady Gaga tells— and then it's like, you're so classy. Lady Gaga tells teenagers not to have sex. What? She says her teenage fans should abstain from having sex for as long as they can. Although she is comfortable talking about her own sexual experiences and bisexual tendencies, the Born This Way singer doesn't want to hear her teenage admirers just jumping into bed with anyone. Instead, she wants her fans to remain chaste until they're completely comfortable with losing their virginity.

So I commend that.

Yeah, I do too. I think young kids should wait as long as they can before they have sex, and they should use protection from the first time to the last time. But I'm not afraid to talk about sex. Sex is not wrong. Sex is real life. I don't see sex sex a bad thing, to be a bad thing. And what I love, the— my famous— her— the best quote in here is that she says, and this is what I believe, and this is one of my main reasons why I do this show. So Lady Gaga and I are like on the same page. Gaga believes sex is a driving force behind everything in the world and behind music. And she says sex is an inspiration for all of her songs, like something sexual. And I believe that people don't look at how sex permeates our culture, but it's like why we buy a certain car or why you wear that shirt today. I'll get laid. I mean, I really like everything. All the decisions that we make in our life, a lot of them are about sex and sexual tension and sexual tendencies and just like wanting to be desirable, wanting to be desired by other people. I think that, you know, sex is—

I think that's what everything leads to, to agree with you, because I've tried to express this to my friends before. I'm like, why do you guys want to make so much money? Yeah, cool, they want to have you know, nice, like, electronic things and stuff like that. But they do want to be flashy to attract more women, to get laid.

Everything, everything that men do is about getting laid at the end of the day. And it's true that women, biologically, evolutionarily speaking, we are programmed to look for men who can be caretakers. So we're obviously attracted to men who have more money and who have, you know, some women are, 9% of them, a lot of them are. They want men who can be the caretaker and they want to have babies and they want, you know, the guy to stay home. I I'm not necessarily that woman, but I'd say that most people are.

Just all your friends?

Just all my friends. No, my friends aren't actually.

I love how— I love when women talk about other women. They go, it's not me, but I know a ton of girls like that.

Dude, I dated guys with so much money that I—

No, I'm not talking about the money thing. I'm just talking about stuff like in general. I'm like, oh, I know a ton of girls. I'm not a slut, but I know a ton of girls that are sluts, right? Like they always say, I know people like that, right?

My friend, my friend. Yeah, exactly. But I think that, um, the money thing is, is interesting. And I do think that a lot of men— and I think that we do look— here's my thing about guys with money, because even like the older you get, it's like, it's not even that they have money. I think it's more of like successful— like, yes, women are attracted to money, but I think there's something about success and about a man who owns who he is and he owns his job and he loves what he does and he's successful and he's powerful. And that, that is just attractive. Like, a guy who just like owns his life and owns his work and has— is responsible and all that stuff is just attractive. And that if that happens to money, well, bonus. But usually it does, like it correlates.

Yeah.

A guy who's, you know, the older you get, successful. Like, you know, in your 20s, like guys you're dating, like, are, you know, don't have jobs or whatever. Not always, but sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. So Lady Gaga. And then she says, yeah, it's an inspiration for everyone.

I love her. I really do. I think that she's, she's doing amazing. Like, people that don't really know a lot about her, they'll blow her off as like some weirdo pop star. But if you really like look into the core do some research about Lady Gaga. She is pretty amazing.

Yeah, I think so too.

And I know I always say I meet celebrities and they're awesome. I'll tell you when a celebrity is a dick. But I've hung out with her before and she is—

when did you hang out with Lady Gaga?

She came by my work and hung out and she just came out before, like, she was—

she like, she had a couple singles out.

She wasn't huge. No, she just came to hang out with—

she was cool. She all dressed up crazy.

Uh, not too crazy. There's a picture of it on my Facebook if you want to go facebook.com/whitemenace. Find me there.

Become friends with Menace. Whitemenace.com.

And, uh, you'll see me there with her.

Everyone should go to whitemenace.com.

I know, it's huge. I have so much non-sex-related—

We gotta connect your website to my website. Put it on the list. Yeah, done.

Unfortunately, mine's a corporate website, so you have to pay to be on my website.

Really?

But I'll figure out a way.

You have to pay to be on your website?

You have to pay to, like, put banners on my site.

Oh.

It costs a lot of money. I cost a lot of money.

I know you do, honey.

But I'll, uh—

I can't afford you.

I'll see if I can work—

I can't afford you.

I'll see if I can work something. So that's why, like, why do I go— I actually had a listener one time from Sex with Emily ask me why I don't have— I did.

I get it.

I did on my old site.

Right.

But then I had to go to my corporate one.

Right.

And my corporate one, you gotta pay to go.

But we're gonna do like a little photo shoot and have a Menace Emily page. 'Cause we're so cute together.

What kind of photo shoot? Hey.

I don't know. What do you think? I don't know. What do you think? I'm just kidding. It could get fun. Um, an interview— you just want to make a sex tape? No. An interview with the hooker teacher. Okay, if you read the news, you know it's not all that uncommon a school teacher turns out to be a sexually active woman with a history of sexual activity and promptly loses her job for it. So there's been all this stuff in the news lately about like, you know, former stripper, former pinup girl, you know, former Playboy model, or a woman who sleeps with her students. Like, there's teachers, that's a little separate, but you always hear about teachers losing their job. But this woman is a hooker. They're calling her the hooker teacher because in 2010 she wrote for the Huffington Post about the time she'd spent as a sex worker. 2 weeks later she was on the COVID of the New York Post under the headline "Hooker Teacher." And now, more than 8 months later, she lost her job, can't get another job. She's got 2 master's degrees and 8 years of work experience, and she's been subject to an intense slut-shaming campaign and cannot find a job.

Well, that's cool, but she was still a hooker.

Like years ago, she wrote—

that's awesome that you have all those degrees, but you're still— you still let people sleep with you for money.

Just like the guy in Real World who did porn. Like, people do things for money.

That's cool, but you know, you don't have to go to the Huffington Post and tell them about it.

I know. I mean, it actually wasn't a bright— her brightest move. Yeah, like if she's a teacher and that's really where she's all about and she got the master's degrees, I would let that leave. Yeah, in this day and age, it's like everyone wants to express everything they do online.

Yeah.

I can't imagine why. Um, no, I do that.

Check us out on sexwithemily.com.

Have you been there lately? Have you seen my new site? Tell me, everyone, I want to hear what you think of the new site. Do you get it? Like, and if you have any glitches or any issues with it, you have to let me know because we're fixing it.

Like browsers, I know certain browsers had, uh, issues. They should be— they— I'm sure they were fixed.

It kills me.

What? No, that's just because the, the site was only like a week and a half old, but, uh, I emailed back with them and everything's all good now.

Okay, good.

It's all good.

I hope everyone understands like the whole friends with benefits thing and all that stuff. Okay, and then we have a— okay, so we have a poll. We have some emails too that we can get into. That's our Sex and the News today, unless you had any sex in your own news. Okay, we have a poll that we put up on the website 3 times a week. So here's our latest poll: what is the sexiest place to be surprised— oh, did I read this one yesterday? To be surprised by a hot quickie? This is the final result.

No, I'll let you proofread that, but I want to— I'll let you see. Okay, that— but I do have Sex and the News. You just reminded me. The— did you know about all the, the, the Playboy Clubhouses? Like, you know, back in the day in the '60s and stuff like that?

No.

So Playboy had all the Playboy Clubs.

Okay, right.

You can join.

Yeah, the models would—

yeah, and you had the business people come by and all that stuff. Well, now they're doing a TV show based around those times. The original one was in Chicago, right? So what you did was you paid to be part of the club and you can take, you know, if you had, you know, a business meeting or whatever, you can take your clients with you inside the club. You got your own key, and the bunnies would just hang around in, in their bunny outfits and serve you drinks while you're having a meeting.

So they're resurrecting that, or it's a fiction? It's a, it's a, uh, like a— it's a—

it's gonna be a TV show based around those times. No, it's not a reality show, but they did— they had them all over the country. They did close them down, and they reopened one in 2006 in Las Vegas, but it's not really You know, it doesn't really go to the, the actual times, right? You know, where it was really classy, you know, you just had— and, uh, you know who was one of them that worked in the New York one?

What?

Uh, Bunny was, uh, the girl from— who sings the song about the pussycat? Long time ago. Uh, Blondie.

Blondie, really?

Yeah, Blondie was original Bunny. So if you Google Blondie and the Playboy Bunny club. Okay, you'll see, like, she was beautiful. She wasn't blonde at the time. She had, you know, yeah, she wasn't blondie, but check it out. It's really cool. So that's my sex in the news.

Thank you, Manosphere on Sex in the News. I appreciate it. I don't have any sex in the news of my own. All right, I haven't had sex.

And oh, and one more thing, speaking about Vegas, I really want to do a show from Vegas. Okay, let's go, because I was— can we do that?

Can you make this all happen in Vegas?

I would have to do it like a recording. Oh, but I do know studios out there. Yeah, I can make it.

I know studios there too.

I can make a call.

I was on a show there once. Yeah, okay, because I was—

because we're recording at Stitcher.com. Sorry to get off on a tangent. We're recording at Stitcher.com, which is— they let us use their studios every day. It is an app that you can download for your smartphone and you can listen to our podcast. And also, who's on here is Kevin Smith. Now, hey, remember I was telling you like a couple weeks ago I want to do a show from Vegas, right?

Right.

Well, guess what Kevin Smith's doing? What? He's gonna start recording a podcast once a month in Vegas starting in August.

So can we go be on it? Or we do our own?

I don't really do— I don't really have a personal relationship.

I know he's doing one.

I'm just saying he's doing one in Vegas because it would be super fun.

So yeah, we would have a blast. Vegas, so wasted. Oh my god, so wasted. I think we should go. We keep talking about our live shows. We're gonna be drunk. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. We haven't done it.

Let's do it.

Plan it. Well, the calendar, okay, okay. So our new sex poll is: what's your favorite fantasy? I want everyone to go vote on this right now. Watching your partner have sex with someone else, having sex in a public place, being dominated during sex, or threesomes. What's your number one fantasy? Everyone go to my website and vote, and we'll be reading your results on Monday.

What's your number one fantasy?

My number one fantasy is watch your partner have sex with someone else. No. Have sex in a public place, done that. No. Be dominated during sex. I like to be more dominated during sex. Yeah, yeah.

Put in your place.

Threesomes have done— I mean I, if I have to pick, yeah, no, yeah, I like to dominate, but I like to, I like to, I like to be, to dominate sometimes too. But I think I like to be, out of all of those, if I had to pick, because I've done the threesomes, I've done sex in public places, and I, I actually, I don't want to get into it, but yeah, so I would say being more, more dominant because I'm dominant in my day-to-day life. So like to be dominated is hot, I think.

Cool.

What about you, Manus? What would you choose on that list?

Uh, I would probably pick dominated.

Really?

And then probably threesome.

Okay, right, threesome.

I mean, every guy wants a threesome.

Every guy wants a threesome, I know.

Yeah.

So those are, uh, that, that's our poll. So go to our poll every day. We're gonna have a new— every 3 days a week we're gonna have a new poll. And I got a new blog post up and all that stuff.

So what's up in the mail? My favorite. I want to hear what people have to say.

Okay, Menace. 8 months ago I started a new job. There's a girl there who I'm interested in. I want to ask her out, but I don't want to embarrass myself. If I get turned down because I still have to work there, and I don't want to be that guy. Yeah, we've had small conversations, enough convos to be nice and not to look like I'm interested. I need to get to that next level because I'm suffering over here. How can I break the relationship ice without looking like a perv? P.S. Love the show and Kegel Camp. Kegel Camp is my app for the iPhone, which you should all download now. And that's from Stan. Okay, Stan, um, I think that you should just start talking to her. I mean, you just gotta— you can't overthink this. Like, I think guys think either I'm into this girl or I'm not into this girl, and if I'm into this girl, then I need to act a certain way. I just think just start treating her like a friend. Just be normal. Like, just, just don't overthink it. And he wants to know if he has to ask her out. He should just be like, hey, we should go grab a drink, don't you think? Well, Mendez sleeps with everyone in his office, so he could—

yeah, but I wouldn't— I wouldn't make that like, we should hang out type thing. I don't do that.

I just wait.

You just wait for them? I wait for them to say something.

So every guy—

to be safe.

So you're sleeping with everyone in your office, and, and you're saying that they've all come to you?

I swear. Yeah.

Well, then you're a pussy.

Why am I—

why don't you ever make the move?

Because I don't— I'm— because to be safe.

Well, this, this is wrong.

There's so many, like, sexual harassment suits out there. It's very hard for a guy.

First thing, he's got to be careful in the workplace. That's true. It's I'm assuming they're colleagues and he's not her boss.

Yeah.

So, um, and he's had enough conversations to be nice. And I think that the next level is that he's just gotta say, do you wanna grab a drink? Hey, what are you doing after work? Let's grab lunch. How about lunch? You want— I'm gonna need a sandwich on the street. Let's get a sandwich.

It is okay. Lunch could be kind of—

How about lunch? How about like we get lunch?

You can say, oh, where are you going for lunch? You wanna— Yeah.

You don't wanna go— Oh my God. They have the best Thai food next door.

That's, that's safe.

That's legit. And then they get stuck.

Don't go for like the after work special.

Okay.

So let's just say— Go with the lunch first.

Stan, ask her to lunch. Yeah. Every day we gotta take a lunch break, except for me. I don't And I think lunch, just like casually, hey, let's get lunch. That to me is benign. That doesn't say like, I want to fuck you, I want to have sex with you right away.

Yeah.

That says, let's go grab lunch and be friends and then see what happens. See if you connect, see if there's a love connection. But don't— but it's also—

but you have to make it like it's not—

he's freaking out, he's nervous.

So you got to make it like it's not a big deal.

Exactly.

The lunch is not a big deal. Oh yeah.

You got to be like totally cool.

Like, oh, going into lunch, you want to roll or what? Yeah. You know?

Yeah.

And then she goes— Now I'm like, all right, cool. And then it's no big deal, right?

Exactly.

That's how you gotta be. But yeah, no, because look, the way I play it like that is because it's so hard for a man because you can get busted for anything. Just for doing that, like, you can have a sexual harassment lawsuit filed on you like nothing if you're a guy.

Yeah, but not if they're going out for Thai food for lunch.

I know, that's why we recommend that. So that's why I don't say, oh, let's go have a drink on a Friday night.

Right.

You know, don't do that. Don't do that.

Okay.

Play it safe with the lunch. Get a feel of how, you know, how far you can go with this chick.

Exactly. Okay. I think that's good. Good advice. Okay.

Stan, I've known people that get fired.

So you have known people get fired, but isn't it usually when it's like their subordinates and it's like the boss and the subordinate?

Like what if you're calling? Yeah, it's calling. I know colleagues that have gotten fired.

I'm surprised you haven't gotten fired yet for that.

Because I told you how I do it.

Oh, because the girls come to you.

Yeah, I wait for them to say, hey, what should I do?

Because you get a psycho chick bunny boiler who pretends she didn't come to you and— What are you talking about? Okay, did you ever see Fatal Attraction, the movie? No. Oh, so good. I'm bringing up a movie reference.

All right.

So in the movie, Glenn Close plays the boss, or I think she works with Michael Douglas in it, and then at the end she becomes totally psycho And she like, they have this affair and then he tries to end it and she goes to his house. They have a pet bunny rabbit for their kids and she boils the bunny.

What?

So I, we, my friends and I always joke like, oh, she's psycho. She's a bunny boiler.

That's pretty disturbing.

You never heard that? You never talked about it?

No.

It's a good movie.

You should watch it.

You should watch it, Menace, because you might have some bunny boilers in your future.

Hell no, dude. I ain't getting down with no bunny boilers.

Okay, you think she's no, you didn't think she was a bunny boiler. She was, she was like, cool and she was his boss.

Yeah, but that's any— that's any— that's any chick though. It doesn't matter if she's at work or—

you— or— or dude could have a bunny.

Or dude— I know dudes that I think that are super cool, and then they, they get one drink in them, and then you think they're like the Unabomber.

Yeah, I know, I know. You're right, you're right. You never know. Be careful. Be— everyone be careful out there. Hey Emily, I'm Reese, 19 years old, and live in the UK. I've been listening to your podcast for some time now, and I love them. Your show offers a great insight into a subject that often isn't discussed socially and for that I want to say thanks. I know you've touched on the subject many times, but it's still an issue for me. Recently I've grown more confident. I have no issue in approaching a girl I want to talk to. I mean, what is there to lose? My problem is in the bedroom. I love foreplay and I love teasing and pleasing a woman. Giving oral sex is a big turn-on to me. However, when it comes to having sex, I always end— I always seem to end far too fast. Therefore, even though technically I'm not, I still classify myself a virgin as I have not enjoyed or had steady intercourse. I've been given the advice to just bite the bullet and go straight for intercourse, which I have tried and failed every time. Plus, it's not that hot to skip the buildup and expect her to start having sex with me straight away. I've been to doctors, tried a penis ring, tried breathing techniques, but nothing seemed to work. I want to go out and enjoy myself, but this is a huge issue for me. It is what stops me from doing more than just talking to women. I've lost my confidence with talking to women taking women back to my place. What should I do? Reads from the UK. Well, Reese, it sounds like you've gone to a doctor. That's great. And I think a lot of when men have like premature ejaculation issues— I mean, isn't that what he's saying, right? That he— I think that a lot of it is psychological, that it happened once and he's creating this to be this whole drama in his life and it's freaking him out. So one thing I would recommend is, is there's a great book, and I know this has helped many men and it's like the most recommended book, it's called The Multi-Orgasmic Man. It's by Montauk Chia and Douglas Abrams, and it's a really, really popular book. And I know men personally, and a lot of men, a lot of sexologists recommend this book. It has a lot of techniques for you, the exercises that you can do that can help you and gain your confidence back. Because it sounds like you've gone to a doctor and done all the stuff, which I appreciate, but you also have to just like re— it's like retraining your mindset because you've created this, that it's become this whole drama. And I think that, um, check out this book and see what you think. And just don't be so hard on yourself. And just because it happened if you once or happened twice doesn't mean it's going to always happen. And you're, you're young, you're still learning. He's 19. Don't let this be your thing. Don't let this become about what you're about.

I think also that, uh, you should try a test. You know how we do the 36-day challenge type thing? Maybe you should masturbate every day. Yeah, for 30 days.

I think so too.

Try to build up a tolerance.

Well, that's what the book is about. The book teaches men how to get to the point where they're about to orgasm but they don't actually orgasm, and they learn to train themselves to stop at that point. Yeah. It's a really, really good book. It's been around for a while and it's just, it's helped, you know, thousands of men, hundreds, millions, I don't know. It's sold so many copies. It's been around for like 15 years, 20 years, and it's a great, great book and I would recommend it.

Pregaming, buddy. Pregame.

Men, it's pregames.

Pregame.

What if you don't know you're gonna have sex and you didn't pregame though?

Then you're screwed.

No.

Then, you know, maybe have a couple, a little nip of this, a little nip of that.

You and the alcohol medicine.

I'm just saying I promote alcohol. Alcohol is a wonderful thing, unless in moderation.

Do you really think you have better sex when you're drunk?

Mm, do I have better sex? I enjoy sex more when I'm drunk, yeah.

Have you had sex sober?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

But I enjoy it more when I'm drunk.

You do? Do you remember it?

Yeah, of course I remember it.

Oh, okay, good.

Yeah.

Because sometimes you think you're having great sex when you're drunk, but you're actually drunk.

Yeah.

And you don't remember it.

I think it feels better. You don't think so?

I don't get that drunk.

We're not promoting for people to get wasted.

No, no, no, no. I think, I mean, I have so many sober friends for some reason. I have a lot of sober friends and they think sex is so much better when you're sober.

They just can't handle their shit, that's why.

I know, but whatever, they don't drink anymore and they're like, sex has gotten so much better since I've been sober. I think—

Well, they have to say that.

No, it's true. You become more sensitive to it.

Well, they probably were blacking out and they can't remember.

See, I think maybe you use alcohol because you're nervous. And it gets your—

it—

you might be— it gets— it lessens your inhibitions.

It makes me more into it.

Okay, man, it's whatever works for you. As long as you're having sex, that's good.

Yeah.

Hey Emily, I've been listening to the show for a few months and I finally got a question for the show that I've never heard discussed. I'm a sophomore at Madison and recently been struggling with this identity problem. I feel that today's men can classify their masculinity on a On one end of the spectrum is the metrosexual. By metrosexual, I don't mean more fashionable, but also better at expressing their feelings. These are the nice guys that sometimes lack confidence, romance, and other dominant but attractive traits. Think Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg. Then there's the retrosexual, a return to more classic values in which the man is confident, sexual, and romantic, but doesn't believe in expressing all of his feelings all the time. Think Don Draper from Mad Men or Han Solo. Okay, I understand that the vast majority of men are some kind of hybrid between the two. However, I'm interested in knowing which of the two camps do you think girls prefer. Do you think this world needs more sensitive guys or more confident guys? P.S., I love when you call men as honey at the beginning of a statement. It only happens once in a while, but the sentence that follows the honey is always entertaining. Keep up the great work on the show, Mike.

When you say honey, that means you're pissed at me.

When do I call you honey?

When you're mad at me for something?

Okay, here's the thing.

You're like, no, honey, honey, honey, listen, listen. That's how you do it. I do? Yeah.

I didn't even know I was doing that.

I'm not listening to you.

That's so cute. Okay, good, fine, whatevs. Okay, so I think, no, okay, your question is a great, actually I think this is a very well-written, great question, and I don't, I think that he's going through an identity problem and he wants me to answer it for him, and I don't think that the world needs one or the other, more sensitive guys or more confident guys. I think that you need to figure out figure out who you are and what kind of guy you are, and you shouldn't try to be like anyone else. I think that the secret to life and the journey in life is becoming more of who you are by just accepting yourself and doing work on yourself and figuring out like what kind of guy you want to be and being that guy. I don't think that there's like a demand, like a spectrum, like some women like, you know, guys who are more sensitive. Some women— I always dated like, I went through a period where I dated guys who were super sensitive because I wasn't as much. So like in my 20s, I was like, I would date guys who were are like— people always laugh that they had— they let— they— sometimes we date people that complement like what we're missing. So we tend to like date— like, I wasn't as much of a typical female. Like, I, I didn't cook, I didn't— I wasn't as nurturing. I think I am more so now. I don't cook still, but I'm more nurturing and more— so I would date guys that were super sensitive. And I think you just kind of like something that, that fills in your gaps, kind of like what you lack. But I, I'm not going to give you an answer here what women want more, because I think that like that's what makes the world go around. There's someone for everyone. And I think that your work is figuring out, Mike, what, what, who you are, like what kind of guy you are. But I think that's in your 20s, you go through identity crises in college. And I remember being in college and thinking like, God, am I more of the hippie chick? Am I more of like the athlete? Am I more of like the sorority girl? Because I was in a sorority. So I remember like you feel in your 20s, I remember this thing that you have to kind of choose, but then the older you get, you just sort of realize you are who you are and you just kind of fit into whatever. And so I think that you just rather than looking it that way, just kind of start working on yourself and figuring out who you are.

Yeah, I started— I don't know, honey, what— I don't know if it's a confidence thing, uh, that girls like, but I started making the statements lately that I've— I think I'm in the happy state of like what I'm doing, that I just— I don't care to impress people anymore, right? Like, I, I don't care if people like me. I don't care if you know, I have to do certain things to get girls to like me. And girls have been seeming to really dig that attitude that I—

Yeah, no, it's confidence. We're gonna get into that in a minute. So coming up is our segment that is how nice guys can finish first without being a jerk like Menace.

Yeah. Oh, really?

No, but how nice guys get— and I think that it is— there's so much— I mean, the number one thing that I think that women always say they find sexiest in a man is confidence. Confidence. And so you're in a really good phase in your life, like your career, your ticket is booming, you're super successful. And yeah, that's hot. I mean, I think— and you're comfortable in your own skin. I mean, that's the thing, it's like the guys that aren't quite comfortable in their own skin yet, like it's just not as attractive to women. But women— guys who are like, I know what I'm about, I got my stuff together. Even if you don't, you fake it till you make it.

Yeah, of course, right?

Yes, like that.

So what are you looking for now? What type? Out of those ones?

What are you looking for? Okay, um, confidence or, um, I'm looking for a hybrid.

Pussies. What?

I'm looking for a hybrid.

Hybrid.

I think I'd like the hybrid guy. I want— I mean, I want everything. I want a guy who is super confident, but I also want a guy who can like deal with like sensitive things. Like if I'm having issues, I can talk to him about it and he's not going to be like, really, are we talking?

How much— how much talking do you have to do?

I love when you want me to quantify everything. Men is always like, okay, so how long is the foreplay? Play? How long is thing? Not every day. I'm not a needy chick. I'm not needy. I don't need it that much. But when I want, when I do need it, I want, I want it. Like, I want a guy who can like listen and be sensitive and not try to fix. That's what men do. They're like, oh, she's got an issue. So all of a sudden their fix-it hat, their little construction hat goes on. They're like, must fix this situation. And a lot of times women, we just, we just really want you to listen and hold us tenderly.

If I listen, do I get to have sex with you afterwards?

Yes. Yes, for sure. Oh my God, you know what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah, but well, I mean, is it guaranteed if I sit there and listen to you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, are you gonna have sex with me?

Yes, because I'll be so turned on that you are so sensitive and warm to my needs. Oh, okay. Yes. Do you just have no desire to listen to a woman?

I mean, they—

What? They go on and on? What, they're annoying?

They just go on and on and on and you give them advice and tell them—

They don't listen.

They don't listen. It's just so annoying.

You know what it is?

It's so annoying.

This is so the crux. This is one of the major crux of the male-female, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Women, we just want you to listen. We want you to like, we'll tell you about our bad day or our shitty boss or bad boss or whatever. And we don't want you to try to fix it, but men go into fix it mode. We want you to listen and we want to know that you hear us, but we don't necessarily need you to fix it. But men, like your brains are all about fixing the problem. Yeah. And so women want you to listen.

Can you get naked while you're talking? Sure. Sure, you'll just be—

I'm always naked. I can make it. Yeah, I'll get naked and I would talk about it.

That would really help the situation.

Maybe that's a good compromise, right? But then never have the cover— like, in bed though, like after sex, bad time to have a conversation.

Men feel so trapped.

I know, they're like, oh man, I just want to go to sleep and watch SportsCenter.

Get the hell out of here.

Serious conversations in bed after sex, but before sex maybe, um, or, you know, a whole different time at brunch. Brunch. Hey, Emily and Magnus.

Who has brunch?

I have brunch.

I know.

You don't have brunch?

No, I don't have time for brunch.

What about lunch?

Lunch? Uh, I had— my, my buddy was visiting from Arizona and he brought a burrito to my work and that's the only reason I had lunch. I usually don't have lunch.

Ever?

Uh, ever. So maybe like, I probably won't eat till like 3 in the afternoon.

Okay, got it. So, but brunch is a weekend thing.

Thing.

I do brunch on the weekend with my friends.

That's amazing that you have time to do that.

That's on the weekends. I barely do, but I like to. I actually have a group, my cabin friends, we go for brunch a lot on Sundays. I actually have a brunch this Sunday with some relatives. How about that?

How about this lunch?

Brunch is my favorite meal because you know why? Because you get— okay, I love brunch.

Do you still have lunch if you have brunch?

No, no, no, no, because it's a brunch. It's breakfast and lunch. You don't have like brunch and then lunch.

So it's one meal for two meals?

Yeah, but it's a big one. So this is what I love. I love that you get—

No, brunch is appetizers.

No, it's not. Menace, what planet?

I thought that's what brunch is.

No, brunch is eggs and bacon and toast and orange juice.

That's breakfast.

Yeah, but brunch is more like a bigger breakfast and a smaller lunch.

I'm all about brinner. You know what brinner is? It's breakfast dinner.

You can do whatever you want. But you know why I love breakfast food or brunch food? Because there's so many different things. There's like the toast and the eggs and the bacon and the potatoes, and then the orange juice, the coffee, and the water. And I love having all those choices.

Just like this thing called breakfast.

It's like brunch.

Okay, it's called a late breakfast.

Yeah. Hey Emily and Menace, I just heard you mention my email about swingers and them not all having ponytails.

Lies.

My husband will never have a ponytail. His job won't allow it, and they are tacky. We've been into swinging for 2 years.

Yeah, but when you're at your swingers party, you are rocking the leopard skin pants and the extreme V-neck shirt.

Not necessarily. We only—

And you're overly tan.

We only soft—

And he's wearing an earring.

Why are you doing this?

I'm just breaking down—

Swingers.

He might not have a ponytail, but he has.

You've never even met a swinger.

Yes, I have.

No, you haven't.

Plenty of swingers. I hang around you.

Hey, I got invited to a swinger party this Saturday night. I— you think you hang around me, my swinger? I got invited to a swinger party this Saturday. Of course.

How do you get invited to swingers parties all the time? Because you hang out with swingers.

Some. Yeah, I mean friends.

I've seen your swinger friends.

They're cute. That one girl's cute. No, she's not. What? Okay, whatevs. Okay, listen, so can I finish this? I, I know a lot of swingers. I live in San Francisco. Whatever, I do a sex show. They come around.

There's a San Francisco A lot of them. Oh God.

And they're the— you know what the thing about the swingers is? You think that swingers, like, menace, the stereotype, they all have ponytails? No, no, no. Swingers are your next-door neighbors. They're the ones you're swinging with. The ones that you the least— the people that you least think are swinging are swinging.

Why do they— all the swingers I meet, they look weathered. You know what I'm talking about?

No.

Like they've been through some shit.

Well, because they've been through a lot of sex. Yeah. I don't think you're right. What do you—

you don't think I'm right, but I am right.

You're not right.

Okay, well, let's get some swingers on the line.

Why don't we just read this email for a second?

All right.

Okay.

And I'm not bagging on this email, I'm just talking about everybody else.

We've been into swinging for 2 years.

Yes.

We only soft swap, and there's more normal everyday people that swing than you can imagine.

What the hell is soft swap?

I don't know.

Well, just making out?

We meet all different— we met all different swingers when we went, when we went to Hedonism 2 different times. They were It's— think that's a place, uh, hedonism is like a resort. Maybe they range from cops, teachers, military, bankers, doctors, etc. Swinging actually brings a little spice to the relationship. It's not an everyday thing for us, more so summers when the kids see Grammy and vacations. Not sure what kind of swinging update you want, but I'll be glad to share whatever you want to know. A loyal listener, Allison in Virginia Beach.

Thanks, Allison.

I want to get more swingers on the I go, I have had swingers on the show, and I mean, we've done 200 and God knows how many shows.

If you're a swinger, why be married? Why put a label on things, you know? Why, why put your status on Facebook if you're a swinger? If you're hooking up with other people, why even—

I mean, you have your partner, you have your partner, but why are you even having like, you know, it's the human condition that you're going to want to have sex with other people. I know that you think that you're not going to want to.

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying why even get married?

Well, they have kids.

Uh-huh.

When the kids—

because that's always a good reason to get married.

No, but yeah, it is a good reason. Some people want kids. Listen, Menace, some people want to have kids and they want to have sex.

You can't have kids without being married.

You can, but what— so what? You can be married and just— the man—

am I making your brain explode?

Yes. Stop talking for a second. I think that's—

I keep on winning the conversation.

You're not winning. You're just talking about it because you're talking over for me.

No, I, I, I proved the point. You can have kids without being married, correct?

Right. But you're having a problem with their choice of being married. Swingers—

I'm not having a problem. I'm just saying why. That's not saying because people want to be wrong to be married.

There's nothing— they're mutually exclusive. Why, why could— why can't you want to be married? I love this person, my primary partner, but I want to bang the neighbor too. What's wrong with that? To say if they all agree, it's my part.

You see, you, you said partner. Well, okay, my primary partner. Why isn't just be partner? Why go through the whole ceremony?

There's nothing wrong.

That too is part, and then I'm just out banging other people.

Like, you know, doing it all the time, these people.

This is my main, my main—

listen, if we talk about the sex is the main thing that we just earlier talked about, how sex is like the driving force of everything. Lady Gaga said so too. It's the main force of everything we do. That for people, for some people, to say that 'til death do us part, you're gonna be the last person I bone for the rest of my life, just doesn't work. It's not realistic. That's why people cheat. That's why the numbers are up for cheating, that men and women each cheat like 50%.

It is possible though.

To what?

To have a normal marriage and not bang.

Of course, I'm not telling people that, oh, you should go out and bang. A lot of— most people don't.

I'm saying if you're gonna do that, then just don't get married.

Okay, I hear you. I hear your opinion. I don't agree.

So you should get married and then go bang other people. I think it's a waste if you just look at the money factor. I think it's a waste of money to have this big ceremony where it's supposed to be this lifelong commitment. But, but men, I can be committed to you for life without being married to you.

But they're mutually— you can be committed to life, they're mutually exclusive.

How are they mutually exclusive when they're out banging other people?

Because they're married, it doesn't matter. You can be married but you can also be banging other people and it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean like you, you shouldn't be married and banging other people.

Did I— again, I didn't say they shouldn't be married. I'm just trying— I'm wondering why, why even do that?

Because they want to be married.

That's the part.

Because they really, really want— they love this person, they want to be with this person. But eventually you're married for a while or whatever, or maybe—

I'm telling you, when I love people, I go and bang other people. That's when I— that's how I show I really love them.

You haven't been with anyone long enough that you want to bang other people. People, maybe. What's your longest relationship?

2, 3-year relationships.

Okay. Did you ever cheat?

No.

Good. Good for you. Okay, should we get into some sex?

Have you been in a relationship where you haven't cheated? That's what I'm saying.

Um, I have been in a relationship where I haven't cheated. I, I was— I'm okay.

What? We should go to the next email. Next email. We'll get back to it later.

I don't cheat. I'll let you gather your words and we'll get back to it. Okay, I see.

That's what I'm saying. Don't commit, and then you want to never be called a cheater. Is it getting hot in here?

Yes, I, I used to cheat. I cheated. I've never been caught. I did cheat in my past. I do not cheat, nor do I commit right now.

Yeah, so then you can never be caught.

I'm gonna commit. When I do commit, I won't be a cheater. I'll just be a swinger. Okay. All right, um, I'm trying to think if we should— how— if we should get into some sex tips. I think we should because we've got 10 minutes. All right, ready?

Yes.

Does everyone notice that our Friends with Benefits shows are now an hour long every single friggin' day?

And they're video podcasts.

And they're video podcasts. Right now you might be listening to this on iTunes, but if you go to my site and you sign up and you become a Friends with Benefits member, you will see this show, everything that's going on. You can see me, eventually you'll be able to see Menace, and we just— I mean, just if you support the show and you like it, if you've ever gotten one sex tip from the show that worked for you, become a Friends with Benefits member.

It's $5.

$4.95 a month.

$4.95 a month.

Psychologically, that's less.

Yeah, but I'm just, I'm just thinking, it's just 15 cents a day. One sandwich for, for Emily. I say this every day, one sandwich for Emily, nothing for me.

I was thinking this morning it could be like a sandwich, or it could be my muffin and my coffee I get every morning.

Yeah, because that's not every— not even every morning, once a morning. I'm— once a month.

Once a month. If everybody's listening bought me my coffee and muffin or a sandwich once a month, I I'd be psyched. That's all I want.

And if you can't pay $499 a month, $95, $94.95 a month, I'm, I'm dead serious. If you cannot pay that, then you shouldn't be listening to this podcast. You should be focusing on other things.

Okay.

I don't think that's a wrong statement. No, I think that you should not be sitting around and listening to a podcast. I think you should be working on other things. Things to better your life, and then come back to the podcast.

And then come back to the podcast when you have the $4.95. Exactly. I appreciate it. Okay, and soon I think they're gonna be getting PayPal. That'll be easier for everyone, right? That's credit card. Okay. How nice guys can finish first without being a jerk. All right, like menace. I added that, but I didn't mean you're a jerk. You're not a jerk at all. No, I don't think you're a jerk at all.

You hate my guts today.

I love you. Why is it that nice guys finish last? Why do nice guys think they need to be jerks to get girls? There is some truth to women wanting the bad boy. Well, here's how you can be a nice guy and finish first. First, let's look at what bad boys are like. They can be unpredictable, fun, mysterious, spontaneous, and most importantly, show a lot of confidence.

Wow, that doesn't sound like a guy you would want to date at all.

They, they only rule— the only rules they obey are their own, and they don't let anyone control them. These are like what sounds like a boar. No, this is what—

I am just commenting on what you're reading. Don't get upset. Just keep on reading.

Those are some That's— those are like what bad— those are like traits of bad boys, okay? Some reasons girls give, women give for liking bad boys: women feel safe and protected, he's not boring, never a dull moment, bad boys are charming and lustful, he's no mama's boy, makes women feel incredibly beautiful during sex, brings out the true dominant and submissive roles men and women are biologically programmed to display, he's robust and competitive. Positive. Bad boys do not come across as desperate. So those are some typical traits that girl— women are attracted to in men.

Okay, so do you have a list on why you shouldn't date them?

I— no, no, no, no. Okay, here's some tips for how nice guys can kind of adopt some of these traits without being a bad boy, and they can finish first. Okay, number 1: be spontaneous. Try suggesting activities that you don't normally do. For example, try something new that you always want to try or someplace you've never been and experience it with her for the first time. So that kind of keeps it exciting. You're like, hey, let's go to the— well, I don't even know what would be spontaneous and fun. Let's go to the— let's go to the—

because you go to freaking, uh, what, art shows?

No, no, but here's one thing. My— I had a guy once, and I thought it was kind of cool. This guy that I— the guy that I go to the cabin with, my ex-boyfriend, but he's now like one of my best friends. But our first date, he's like, let's go to the driving range. I was like, okay, I've never done that before. Like, I'm not—

the gun range?

The driving range. The driving range. Hitting.

Gun range.

No, hitting golf balls.

Yeah, but look, what about take her— no, take her to the gun range. Screw golf balls. Take her to the gun range, then you look like a badass.

Girls don't want to shoot guns like boys.

Yeah, they do.

Some. Yeah, your chicks, not mine.

Imagine.

I thought that was cool because he wasn't like, let me take you to dinner. He was like— I'm like, here's a guy who's clearly interested in me. He's like, let's go to the driving range. And it was cool. And then he like put his arm around me and showed me how to hold the stick. What's it called? The putter? Hot.

The driver.

The driver. Yeah, it's hot. Okay, try waiting a while before you call her. This is a move. Let her keep guessing whether you'll call or not.

That's what I'm saying, don't show them too much attention. And you were shooting me down yesterday.

In general, women love a challenge and they don't want a man that's too easy for them to catch. But don't wait too long. You're not actually trying to be a jerk, so don't call every day. Like, okay, here's an For example, my friend who's done JDate went out with a guy last week. They had coffee, it was good, she's not sure how she feels. He has texted her every single day since their date. Oh no. And she's done. She's like, why are you texting me every day? That's overkill.

Yeah.

But if he called her once and asked her out again, maybe if he waited a few days and called her, that would be good. But like, that was overkill. So there's kind of a middle ground here, okay? So maybe you don't call the next day but you call like a few days later. Be the man. You wear the pants when you're on a date. Take charge, but don't push it. Remember to plan ahead so you can always have a backup plan in case something goes wrong. Always be adaptable to different situations. For example, if she hates a certain type of food, be the man, take control.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Be fun and generous. Remain light-hearted and upbeat about things, or basically be more open. Don't act like a nervous or needy guy, even if you feel that way. When you're on your date, the key is to not let it show. So I'm not telling you to fake it, but in a way I am. Fake it till you make it. If you're nervous, don't let that show. Nervous, it's like, it's, it's like women can, I can tell when a guy's nervous. Like some guys have these habits when they're nervous and they, I, I have a joke with my friend that my best friend who's the one on JDate that we always like think that there's some guys have this nervous yawn. Like when they're talking to you on the phone, they're so nervous and they're like, yeah, I'm just hanging out. And it's like this nervousness. Like we can tell when you're nervous. Nervous. So just practice being confident.

I want to go back. This is kind of like a confidence thing, is never ask them, 'So what do you want to do? What should we do?' Exactly. Never do that. You'll never get an answer from her.

You'll never, ever, ever, ever get an answer. It's so true. Okay, pay attention and communicate. Nearly all women prefer to communicate verbally and love a good listener. This is where most guys, nice guys, shine. You'll impress her by remembering important things about her, for example, favorite color, pet's names, favorite If you're looking to meet a woman online, check over a profile to come up with questions you can ask about what interests her. This is huge. Okay, let me tell you about this. I had a boyfriend and he's still like the max, the LA guy that I don't sleep with anymore, that we're friends, whatever. He always— he has this knack that he always remembered little things about me that made me feel really good. And he'd be like, you know, he'd buy something in his house that I liked, or he'd say— he just would remember my stories that I would tell him. He'd say like, oh yeah, like that. He's like, yeah, like in second grade when you did that thing. Like, I'm like, you remember that? And he just always had these little things that made me feel special and that he, like, was listening and that he remembered. So to, like, pick out those little things, and it's not like you're, like, stalky or you're like, I remember everything you say, but he would just do funny things. He's like, hey, why are you— like, you know, we went to a movie once, and I can't sit still in a movie, as you know.

Yeah.

Because we went to a movie once, Mendes and I, and I didn't sit still in a movie.

And you never— you didn't shut up. You were, like, talking through the whole movie.

What was the worst movie ever made?

Made. Yeah, but you don't talk in the movies.

I know, but it was bad.

I don't care if it's bad. I know you don't talk.

Madison and I haven't gone to a movie since. Yeah, but anyway, he was embarrassing.

It was like oppressing people.

Things about me, he was like, oh my God, you've not— you've moved around the whole time like you were like a jumping beat. Like, he just always— I can't explain. I'm trying to explain it here that just like the guys that pay attention to you and who you are and they point out things about you, little things about you that they're like, that's cute how winkly old nose, or you can never find your phone. For example, I lose my phone like 10 times a day, and he's like, can't find your phone again? I don't know, just notice things.

Yeah, I had a girl who told me like 9 years ago that the Pixies was her favorite band. She only told me one time.

And now what?

Then the Pixies came to town and I got her tickets to the show.

This is the girl like 3 years ago?

No, no, no, there It was— this is a while back, and like a couple days before, like, oh, I got you tickets to the Pixies because I know you like them. And then she like couldn't believe that I remembered because— oh, see, that would make me feel so good.

That would make me feel so good. Okay, here's an interesting fact: the older women get, the more they want to date the nice guy. What do you think about that? And also, standing up for yourself. Dating a woman doesn't automatically mean you have to stop doing what you love. For example, if you already planned on going out with your friends and she wants you to do something with her instead, it's okay to go out with your friends. So don't dump everything. Don't drop all your plans for her, okay?

Can I ask you something real quick? Yeah, sure. We only have a few minutes left, um, because I think this kind of goes into the, to the nice guy thing. Is this real life? Does a chick really want to sleep with you when she says, I don't want to sleep with you right now with you because I really like you, because you're like a nice guy, you know?

What do you mean?

Do they really want to sleep with you eventually, or are they just saying that just so they don't have to sleep with you right then? Because you hear about that all the time. I I really want to sleep with you, but I really like you.

Well, guys say that to girls all the time too. Like, I think—

what?

Well, guys—

a guy is not sleeping with a girl, he's saying that? That—

no, I've heard that before. Okay, you're saying if a girl says that, is she just blowing you off, or is she really like you? Maybe it's case-by-case basis. Maybe she really does like you.

I mean, maybe she likes— but my friends always say, so you're, you're saying if I was an asshole right now then you would be sleeping with me. But since I'm a nice guy and you really like me, then I'm not getting laid.

Well, I think a lot of women and men should and do delay sex when they really like someone. They're like, oh, I really like this person, and maybe you could go somewhere, and there's no reason to rush that.

We need to switch the wording around though when women say that. Okay, because it really throws guys off, because then it makes—

then they're like, oh, I'm the nice guy. Yeah, yeah. I think that she probably means and doesn't want you to like blow her off if she slept with you on the last night. That's what I think. Okay, then we got a few, um, social— we, uh, posted this on Facebook today, and, uh, Facebook and my Twitter, which is Sex with Emily, and we got some responses from listeners about what they think about nice guys finishing last. The question was, do nice guys always finish last? What do you think? Let me know. Okay, so someone said no. Uh, Morris— Maurice said no, only the ones who— that have no love for themselves and hide behind the mask of being nice. You are what you think. Loving myself doesn't mean cockiness, it's just an aura that you walk with, and at the same time you are kind, and the real nice guys finish first. Another person, Jack, says, a great deal of energy and focus goes into finishing last. I would think that should be considered nice. Yes. And then DJX911 says, not always. Asshole card and the nice guy card both usually have success, depend on the girl. Got to know how to play the game. For real. For real.

You gotta play the game.

We're out of time. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. This episode is brought to you by one of our amazing sponsors, Masked Sexual Flavor Strips. They enhance your sexual experiences with the taste of strawberry, mango, watermelon, or chocolate. It's kind of like a Listerine strip but for sex. So if you like sex and you want to make it even more enjoyable and you like hearing Sex with Emily for free, check out mask at sexualflavors.com. Enjoy the show. I promise your sex life will improve.