SWE Quickie: Breaking Bad Sex Habits

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Everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Today's show, we're bringing back the Sex with Emily Quickie. So a shorter show, but just as fulfilling. I love that you're also committed to kicking bad sex and dating habits. So I'm reading the responses to our spring cleaning contest. I think you'll be as inspired as I was just reading them to make some changes in your sex and dating life. Thanks for listening.

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my, do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry, it shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can easily subscribe to the podcast. Check out our social media @sexwithemily across the board. I love hearing from you. And hello to all the Sex with Emily listeners. So welcome to this week's quickie, super satisfying podcast, but a a little quicker. What this is gonna be about, we did a contest. We did a spring cleaning contest. Thank you to Magic Wand. Someone's gonna win the Magic Wand. And our question was, we put out to my listeners, I said to you guys, what bad habits are you gonna give up and how? What sex and dating habit do you wanna get rid of this year? Do you not wanna continue with this behavior? And I was so blown away by your responses. They were so good that I was like, this should be a show and I wanna read these. And, and I was inspired and I think that they're, they all kind of check these boxes of things that I think a lot of us could you could kind of take away and might, you might hear it and think, yeah, you know what, I want to get rid of that too. So I'm going to read them and then we're going to do another quickie next week and I'm going to announce the winner. So thanks everyone for emailing me and sending in your responses. Okay, so here's the first one. I'm a serial internet app dater and always end up having sex with guys straight away. This hasn't been working for me for years. You'd think I'd get the message already. So this is my bad habit I want to clean out and try to slow down a bit, form a connection, and then have some mind-blowing sex. Love, Nicole from New Zealand. Okay, I love this one because I think it's important in dating and sex, you know, in relationships, to make the rules that work for you. I love, Nicole, that you recognize what wasn't working and you made the change. Because people are always asking me— I had a woman ask me the other night, I was out, and she goes, do you think I should wait, you know, to sleep with someone? You know, I, I just started dating again. She's divorced. I'm like, there are no rules. Like, how do you feel when you wake up in the morning and you've slept with someone when you just met them? For some people, men and women, they're like, it's amazing, I love it, it feels great, there's no strings attached, great sex, and now I'm gonna go for a hike. And I didn't think about it. And for other people like Nicole, you thought it's not working for you and you're making a change. So remember, we get to set our own rules and what works for us. And I love Nicole that you were able to self-reflect and make that change. So love that one. Okay, here's another great response. I met a guy a few months ago, and after sleeping together pretty early on, I realized he was different. He took me on dates, met friends, co-workers, we'd cook for one another, all the datey type things. He was open and honest about how he doesn't want a relationship and how he couldn't be emotionally vulnerable to me. I realized in that moment that emotional vulnerability is something I want to find in a partner. I want the chance to find someone I wanna open myself up to with as much as I did with him, and I want to receive that back. The biggest part of my goal is recognizing and letting someone go who doesn't want that emotional vulnerability with me. Rose. Okay, Rose, I love this. It sounds like you had an aha moment, and I think this is great cuz maybe you were at a point when you did just kind of, you were like, you know what? You know what, I'm gonna be the cool girl. I don't need emotions from anybody because I, you know, don't wanna be vulnerable. And you realize, I think this comes with dating and growth, that you're like, you know what, actually that's not working for me anymore. So I just love that, you know, you were like, wait, wait, stop. Ah, no, I want a guy who could be emotionally available. I got it. I've been there. I love it. Okay, next one is, I have recently gotten out of a very abusive, manipulative relationship with a man to whom I was engaged to. I'm only 20, but we had a house together and we were trying to have a baby. I had a few days to myself to breathe, think, and listen to your podcast. My head was full of all these ideas about being single, discovering myself, how I deserve to have sex and shouldn't be stuck in an engagement at 20 with someone who withheld sex from me as a means of control, and overall enjoying life, my sexuality. I immediately started the long, long, long— lots of Gs here— breakup process, and I'm just starting to feel free from it all. That was major declutter number 1. Next, I completely decluttered the house. I asked myself what brought me joy and what didn't, and I sold, sent to charity, and dumped so many things that were just cluttering my life. I've now immersed myself in the things that make me happy. I'm meditating, I brought some sex toys, and I'm in the process of moving a house to somewhere that's really central. I just want to thank you for your podcast. You genuinely and truly are one of the initial reasons I had the courage to end the relationship. I am thankful every day I found the strength to stick up for myself and follow through with it. I listen religiously, and I'm hoping you start doing a third show soon. Guess what, Elizabeth from Australia? This is the third show. I don't even know that you said that there. That's so funny. This is the third show. So yeah, thank you, Elizabeth. This was amazing. I'm, first of all, I'm so proud of you. It is not easy to leave a house, an engagement with a guy, and especially in these abusive relationships, oftentimes, you know, we're in them, we don't realize that we're in them. So I'm so, so proud of you and that, you know, all the steps that you've taken and that you were able to get out and pull back and reflect and that the podcast helped you and figure out like what is next for you because breakups are never easy. And, you know, being in this, you know, vulnerable place emotional abuse, all that stuff, the fact that you were able to stick through it because remember you guys, I know some of you might be— this might be triggering stuff for you guys. Maybe you're like, I'm gonna do it. It's not gonna be easy, but if you think that you need to break up with someone, you're probably right. So thank you, Elizabeth, and keep me posted on how it goes. I wanna hear from all you guys because also here's another thing I wanna say. There's a lot of power in writing things down and like, like the fact that you took the time, you said this is what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna ditch these habits and you sent it to me. I actually wanna hear from all of you and I wanna know, did you stick with this? How's it going? If you need a little encouragement, we can talk about it on the show. But I think just making that verbal commitment now that I'm reading it, hopefully that'll solidify it for a lot of you who made these commitments and also for people just listening. Next one is: What I need to declutter my sex and relationship life of is my ex. I'm always going back there. Why, why do I do it? I'm always going back for ex-sex and it needs to stop. I need to dump him from my life completely, but I just can't help sleeping with him. I don't know how to get rid of him for good. Amanda, 30, Queensland, Australia. God, all you my Australian listeners, you guys are amazing. I have to come visit you. Okay, Amanda, um, I hope you got rid of your ex. Like, dump them. Why do you go back to it? Because it's the last person that you're with. It feels good, it's comfortable, and like a very— like, it's almost like an addiction. Like, it's an— it's an— it's an unhealthy attachment we have to something that just— we thought that made us feel good, or it made you feel good at one time. And I've been there, I've done that. And then, you know, sleeping with the ex, I've like thought about the ex. And so the more distance you get from it, the better you'll feel, I promise you. And I mean, I've even gone through this with friends. Like, you're still checking out his Instagram page. And I— she's like, my friend said to me, stop, like, for a week. And I did. I thought about her. I made the commitment. And the more, like, I stopped looking at stuff and reaching out to him and not returning his texts— this is a while ago— it really, it really, like, it did help me. But it's like quitting anything. If you've ever quit cigarettes or any kind of habit, it's the first few days are hard, and you need to develop circles around you of people that, you know, make you feel good about yourself. But you can do it, Amanda. I know it. Hopefully someone else is going to delete, defriend, and declutter their ex now too. Okay, I love this one. Emily Morse, I'm gonna stop trying to have sex with my girlfriend of 4 years without the presence of lube. Omar. Omar, yes, please, please, please stop doing that. Got it. I love it. You are helping me, Omar. You are helping me get one step closer to my dream of a lube on every nightstand. And you know the lube I love? I love Joe Lube, you guys. We have all of them on our website. We've got the flavored lubes, we've got the silicone lubes, we've got the water-based lubes. Check them all out on our website. Why have sex without lube? You guys, life is too short. Here's another one. I must say, while you do make it sound easy, some old habits do die hard. However, I know that a substantial part of the battle is having the mentality to rid oneself of those habits that no longer serve us. With that being said, the one profound habit that no longer serves me is self-doubt. I want to rid my mental psyche of all too paralyzing habit of not believing in myself enough. If I can do that, everything in my life will improve, including better sex. Eric. Eric, you're so right. You're so right. Self-doubt, it could be— it's a process. It's easier said than done. And, you know, here's some tips just to get rid of it. I just was thinking about this. I was like, what do I do to get rid of negative thoughts and self-doubt? So I think all of us can relate to the fact that we have these voices in our head that say, like, you'll never be good enough, you're gonna fail, you know. And it can torment us. Like, when we're trying something new, there could be a voice says, oh, you won't do that, you won't follow through. And I could say, you just think positive, happy thoughts, you know. But But sometimes that doesn't always work out either. We need a little bit more. So the first thing I would say is identify your self-doubts. Like, help to write them down, reframe them. I think writing things down, you guys, there's so much power. Like I said, like writing down these goals that you have. Think about it, like when you're writing down this negative thought and you're like, okay, I'm gonna fail if I ask this girl out, you could say— or you might be thinking, I'll never meet someone— you could re— you could change that thought and say, I haven't met anyone yet. And then you can keep reading these, like write down when you have these negative thoughts and then reframe them. And get rid of the negative people in your life, the people who bring you down, the toxic people. Recall times when you've succeeded in your life too. This is for Eric and everybody. Like, if you have these thoughts top of mind, it'll help lift you up when you're doing all the self-doubt. You're like, but I did get through this, and I, you know, I did, you know, had my boss gave me a raise. There's a lot of successes, right? We are— even if they're little things. Like, I'm so goddamn happy it took me 3 months to get my car fixed, okay? Like, I had a dent in my car and I was like, I gotta get it fixed, it's driving me crazy. I finally did it. I feel proud. Went to the post office, I had packages in my car, and I was like, I did it. You know, sometimes it's Little tiny things, and you're like, I got through today, I made these things happen. Write it down, make it happen. You guys can get rid of self-doubt and the negative thoughts. We can all do it. Okay, here's the last one. I want to kick the habit of having sex in bed while the TV is on. It feels so impersonal, and it becomes a habit of have dinner, get into bed, and watching the telly, and then if the TV show finishes, we fall asleep. Georgina. Okay, Georgina, this is a great one. I think everybody get rid of the TV in the bedroom. So many couples, they just kind of cuddle up to the TV instead of, you know, cuddling up to each other, and we all know what that's doing. It does kill a lot of our sex lives. I know you I love the television. Um, there's nothing wrong with watching your favorite shows together on the couch, but let the bedroom be the place for intimacy and sleep. And another thing I want to add to this is the cell phone in the bedroom. That's also a bad thing. I've just started to actually charge my cell phone outside my bedroom, and I bought an alarm clock because I realized that I'm— and just me, even when I'm dating though, I've done that. I'm on my phone and I'm staring at my phone and it's a distraction. So I think all electronics out of the bedroom will help, will enhance your intimacy, and you also have better sleep. It's just much more relaxing. So everybody, move your TV out of the bedroom, or Georgina, I love this commitment. Let me know how it goes. So you guys, I really love these because you guys were so— all these responses were amazing. We're going to do another show with this next week because you guys were like so reflective, insightful, and you're ready to throw out these habits. And I just think, again, I was inspired and I hope you were as well. And our winning response was not highlighted today, and I'll be sharing the winning response with you next week during part 2. So now that you made this commitment, please let me know how it's going. Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Keep us up to date. Include spring cleaning follow-up so I can quickly locate your updates, and And I will report back to all of you and I'm here for you. I'm your champion. I'm your coach and I'm right alongside you. So yeah, you guys, life is all about self-improvement. We just want to keep moving forward. I promise you it's good for us. It's good work. So thank you everyone for emailing us and sending in your responses. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Helena, producer Lark, Jamie, and Michael. They're awesome. And thanks everyone for following me on all social media and listening. And to all the new listeners, we've just had so many new listeners the last few months. It's amazing. Welcome to the Sex with Emily family. Thanks so much for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.